♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪
♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪
♪♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪♪
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there\'s a family guy ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there\'s a man who positively can do ♪♪
♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪
♪♪ He\'s,,, a,,, fam,,, ily,,, guy! ♪♪
A tragic accident today in the North Providence area,
A family of four lost their lives
when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine
exploding on impact,
( snickers )
Do you find this funny, Tom?
Oh, no, no, no,
I was remembering I accidentally put my shirt on
inside out this morning,
It\'s fine now, though,
S-so wh-what were you saying about a f-fashion show?
Chris, turn the TV off,
We got to find an anniversary gift for Mom and Dad,
Don\'t look!
We\'re shopping, we\'re shopping!!
Oh, kids, you don\'t need to do anything special
for our anniversary, just your father,
I hope he doesn\'t wait
and get your gift at the last minute again,
My goodness, a human thumb,
Where did you ever find this?
It was on E-bay,,,
( throws up )
Oh, God, call an ambulance!
This year, instead of exchanging gifts
I told him it\'d be nice
if we could just spend a romantic day together,
Oh, dear, I think we all know what that means,,,
Boy-yoy-yoy yoy-yoy-ying!
Gross,
Hey, fellas, guess what,
I got us a tee time tomorrow at Barrington Country Club,
Barrington, wow,
I\'m in,
Uh, Peter, tomorrow\'s your anniversary,
Ah, crap,
If Lois finds out I\'m ditching her to play golf
she\'ll hit me with a frying pan,
Which is why I\'m going to drink this frying pan antidote,
All right, hit me with this,
Didn\'t work,
What the hell?
"Lois, it\'s an anniversary scavenger hunt,
Your first clue is at the Quahog Mini-mart, Love, Peter,"
Oh, how fun!
All right, gentlemen, before you tee off
here are your complimentary monogrammed bag towels
a sleeve of balls
and this mobile ball cleaner,
( swooshing and squeaking sounds )
Clean as a whistle, sir!
I\'m not going to get short by touching your spit, am I?
You\'d be the first, champ,
Well, it\'s about time,
Sorry, fellas, I\'m not going to be able to play,
Loretta\'s mother is in town
and we have to go buy new sheets for the dog bed,
Cleveland!
I mean the pull-out sofa bed,
Cleveland, this is Barrington,
You could be the first black guy ever to play this course,
People will be impressed,
Hey, a black guy! Ooh, fun!
Come on, Cleveland,
Maybe we should play another time,
Screw that,
I busted my ass keeping Lois busy so I could be here,
Now let\'s grip it and rip it,
The Fed is going to be lowering rates
so get your money out of T-bills
and put it all into,,, waffles, tasty waffles
with lots of syrup,
Waffles! Buy waffles!!
All: Waffles! Waffles!
Okay, kids, keep your eyes peeled for a clue,
Now what Jughead has done here--
and it\'s really quite ingenious, actually--
is paint pupils on his eyelids so he can sleep through class
without Miss Grundy being any the wiser,
( cackles ): He\'s sleeping!!
Mom, I found Dad\'s first clue,
I can\'t believe your father organized this,
Usually, he can\'t even handle simple tasks,
Peter, why is there a diaper in the lamp socket?
Oh, Lois, he\'s done it again!
Wait a minute,
( electrical buzzing )
Ha!
Peter, let\'s pack it in,
There\'s too much water out here,
Yeah, let\'s hit the bar, huh?
Oh, come on, there\'s worse things in life than rain,,,
like, eh,,, like spiders,
Oh, he\'s behind the door,,,
( coughing )
Peter, he\'s bothering everyone,
Say something,
I\'ll kick his ass, someone ought to kick his ass,
Don\'t go in there!!
Peter,,,
All right, give me a Kleenex,
I knew he was bad!
I knew,,,ahhhh!!
Out of me way, they\'re after me Lucky Charms!
I paid him ten bucks to say it,
Classic,
We\'ll be in the clubhouse,
Go on, run away,
More golf course for me,
That was close,
Huh, that looks dangerous,
Somebody\'s going to get hurt,
Ah, it\'ll be fine,
( gasps )
Both: You again?
Oh, Death, please don\'t take me now!
Relax, you\'re not dying,
You\'re just having a near-death experience,
Oh, thank God,
Oh, yeah, thank God,
Thank God I get to hang out with a fascinating gent like yourself,
So wh-when am I going to die?
About two years after your wife divorces you,
What the hell are you talking about?
Lois\'d never leave me,
She\'s been crazy about me since the night we met,
Oh, my God, that\'s me,
Look how thin I was!
My, this is certainly a beautiful night,
I love looking at stars,
Say no more,
Peter, wait,
"Very interesting,,, but stupid!"
( laughing )
Oh, my God, I love Arte Johnson!
Then why don\'t you give him a kiss, heh?
Oh, Peter, get away from me!
Come on, come on,
Stop it, stop it,
Oh, my God!
( tires screeching )
( crashing )
♪♪ Oh, baby, I love your way,,,♪
Oh, Peter, I hear music,
Yeah, me, too,
From now on, this\'ll be our song,
( "Baby, I Love Your Way" playing )
( explosion )
( groaning)
I\'ve never met a guy like you,
You\'re so full of life,
( wolves growling )
( man screams )
It\'s like I can really be myself with you,
I\'m so happy,
Ah, man, she was beautiful,
You know, this looks awfully familiar,,,
Wait a second, I remember this,
That\'s me,
Look at all that hair,
I can\'t believe I thought that looked good,
I must\'ve been high,
I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt,
I love you, Peter Griffin,
Look at that, huh, huh?
There\'s no way she\'s going to leave me,
Now put me back in my freakin\' body, all right?
I can\'t put you back until you have a revelation,
You know, one of those things that changes your life,
Oh, to hell with this, I\'m going home,
What are you doing?
You can\'t get in that way,
I\'m sure as hell not going in the back door,
Oh, crap, I don\'t have time for this,
Listen, I\'m late for an appointment,
You don\'t want to follow procedure, fine,
Stay here in limbo,
No, no, no, wait,
I don\'t want to be in limbo,
Okay, it says the next note will be right under my nose,
( bell rings )
Announcer: And they\'re off,
And quick out in front
Silver Dasher, followed by My Nose,
Aha! Hold my purse!
What\'s Mom doing?
I\'ll tell you what she\'s doing,
She\'s screwing up my 6-2 quinella, damn it!
My Nose out in front, followed by Sea Biscuit
followed by Some Crazy Lady
followed by Middle-Aged Housewife
followed by Wait A Minute, Who\'s That?
followed by Silver Dasher,
And now it appears there\'s a woman chasing the dogs!
( dogs barking )
Let\'s go, kids!
Lucky, tell the boys in Kansas City the bet\'s off,
Too late, Stewie,
The fix is in and the noodles are boiling in the pot--
boiling, I tell you,
Wait a minute, I got it, I got it, I figured out my revelation,
Uh, God loves a working man,
No!
The Shadow is, in reality
Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man-about-town,
No!
Crap, I\'m late; I\'m in big, big trouble,
Geez, you\'re pretty shook up about that appointment of yours,
You\'re Death, what are you afraid of?
Where the hell have you been?
When I said lunch, I said noon, not noon-ish,
Sorry, Ma,,,
Sorry!
Is sorry going to reheat the casserole?
So who\'s your friend?
It\'s a work thing, Ma, near-death experience,
Where are you going?
I got to take a leak,
Don\'t forget to zip up your fly,
If you don\'t zip up your fly, a seagull will get you,
God, she\'s a pain in the ass, I wish Dad was still dead,
Lois\'s dad was a pain in the ass when I met him,
( doorbell rings )
Hi, Can I take my tie off yet?
Oh, Peter, you look so wonderful,
You aren\'t nervous about meeting Daddy, are you?
Oh, you\'ll know when I\'m nervous,
Father: Lois!
( passes gas ): Now!
Lois, take the rap for this,
I only get one chance to make a first impression,
( sniffs )
Hi, Daddy, that was me, and this is Peter,
Hey, Mr, Pewterschmidt,
What are you feeding this gal?
Peter Griffin, Can I take this freakin\' tie off?
It\'s a pleasure, Peter,
My daughter is quite taken with you,
And I\'m taken with her,
I mean, look at her,
Show us front and back there, Lois,
And don\'t think I don\'t know where that comes from,
That\'s some world-class juice
you got brewing in the old flesh balloon down there, Carter?
I\'m going to get my purse,
All right,
Based on what you\'ve seen with your wife
what can we expect in terms of droopage here?
Are we talking a slight slope
or the full-blown fried eggs
hanging on a nail thing?
Peter, what do you think of this bronze statue?
It\'s nice,
It\'s early Etruscan,
Oh, get out of here!
No, seriously, Oh, that\'s great,
( sputtering and coughing )
Hey, look, a manatee,
We can use it for soup,
Ensign Glen Quagmire; welcome aboard,
You picked a great day to get rescued,
We were just about to sing a song about mopping,
( breezy show music plays )
♪♪ We\'re mopping the deck, which is Navy for floor ♪♪
♪♪ And when we\'re done mopping, we\'ll mop it some more ♪♪
♪♪ Swab means mop, deck means floor,,, ♪♪
Could you tell me when you\'re leaving to go back in time?
I was talking to a robe on the coat rack for 20 minutes
before I realized you weren\'t in it,
Ahh, for God\'s sake, leave me alone, I\'m working,
Don\'t yell at your mother,
If you yell at your mother
a hen will lay eggs in your tummy,
Wow, brilliantly choreographed,
That\'s your tax dollars at work,
Why don\'t you join us and see the world?
Sorry, pal, I\'ve seen the world, and its name is Lois,
How romantic,
Why can\'t you find a nice girl?
Ma, she\'s going to dump him,
Well, at least he got that far,
You know who he took to the prom-- his cousin!
That\'s weak,
Yeah,
All right, that\'s it, I\'m sick of both of you,
Come on, Peter,
Death, put your jacket on or you\'ll get frostbite,
I don\'t have skin,
That\'s \'cause you didn\'t eat your beans,
Come on, come on, get back in your big, fat body,
Why should I help some guy save his marriage
when I can\'t even get a girl?
What are you saying?
The revelation, jackass,
It could\'ve helped you save your marriage,
Oops, but too late,
Oh, and, uh, by the way, when the lightning hit you
you soiled yourself,
Enjoy,
I can\'t lose Lois,
I\'ll do anything,
What if I helped you get a girl?
Y-you think you could do that?
Sure, all we got to do is get you a little fixed up, you know,
Get your hair cut, give you a good, clean,,,
( screams )
shave, maybe some cologne, the chicks will be all over you,
Gee, y-you really think so?
Absolutely,
You got any SPF-50?
I bleach like a gym sock,
What? Death, will you relax?
I told you the beach is the perfect place to pick up chicks,
I want you to go over there
and ask those girls if you can play,
Uh,,, hey! Can I join you?
I guess, What\'s your name?
Josh,
Do you, like, live around here?
No, I, uh,,, I live with my mom,
Let\'s get out of here,
See you, Josh,
Tell your mom we said hi,
( giggling )
Man: Heads up!
How do we get up there?
Dad put grease on the pole,
Don\'t worry, Meg,
We\'ve been studying fulcrums in school,
You simply have to counterbalance the weight
at the point where the lever pivots,
Like so,
Stewie, honey, you want to play rocket ship?
-What the deuce? -Blast off!
Go on, Stewie,
Get the note for Mommy,
How dare you use me for your own personal, selfish,,,
Hmm,,, Whoo, Pull slower,
I must remember to do this again when no one\'s around,
What the hell was I thinking?
You don\'t know anything about picking up chicks,
Are you kidding?
I learned from the best,
Come on, buddy, We\'re about to anchor in Jamaica,
Aw, Craig, we\'re getting closer to Rhode Island,
Rhode Island? Forget that,
I\'m taking off for some shore leave,
Does this look like a "q" to you?
-No, -How about now?
Sorry, Quagmire,
Your crotch just looks like Lois to me,
Well, let\'s ask her, then,
Hey, Lois, should Peter sit around and mope all night?
Or should Peter go out with his buddy
and have some fun?
Huh, huh, All right,
( music playing )
Okay, That one\'s a feminist type--
she\'s into he-man-- and that one\'s mad for jazz,
Watch this,
The plight of women in this hemisphere is deplorable,
I can bench-press 800 pounds,
You, me and Coltrane till dawn, Giga-giga-gigadi!
Huh, There you go, Peter,
One for you, two for me,
You guys go on without me,
( sighs )
So why didn\'t you go with them?
You don\'t know what it\'s like when you\'re in love,
Oh, yeah? Her name\'s Amy,
She works at a pet store,
I met her last summer when her dad hung himself,
But I was too shy to ask her out,
Aah, what\'s with that mustache?
Huh? Let me see that,
Sorry, That\'s Edward James Olmos,
Here, This is her,
Ah, nice ass,
Oh, sorry, No, no,
That\'s Edward James Olmos\'s ass,
I guess I don\'t have a photo of her
but trust me, she\'s cute,
Well, let\'s go get her,
I\'m going to need that picture of Olmos\'s ass back,
Oh, Yeah, right,
Mom, hurry! I can\'t stand the smell,
I found the note,
"Go back to the Mini-mart"?
Oh, this isn\'t very creative,
Let\'s go, kids,
Mom, you remember that goldfish
we flushed down the toilet?
He wasn\'t dead,
( gun cocks )
There she is, That\'s her,
All right now, go on,
Just like we practiced,
( inhales, then exhale)
Hey, you,
Hi, I was, just, uh,,,
( animals yelping )
uh,,, and, and, uh, I was just
in the neighborhood and, uh
so I thought that, uh,,,
so, uh, you,,,
uh, I\'ll, uh,,,
( louder ): This is a bad time,
Maybe I\'ll just come back,
Who am I kidding? I\'ll never get he,
Not with that attitude,
Come on! Robert Reed got Florence Henderson
and he was one of them toe-tappin\' burgermeisters,
You\'ve got to find a way to make it happen,
So long, Peter,
I hope you find your girl,
Thanks, Quagmire,
Hope you live next door to me someday,
Hey,,, hey! Does this look like a "q" to you?
( woman screams )
How about now?
So, where is it that you need to go, my new honky friend?
Rhode Island, That\'s not to far, is it?
Nothing\'s too far away from Maxine the cheatin\' queen,
Women, That\'s not fair,
I\'m just speaking out of hurt,
That truck\'s coming up on us awful fast,
( horn honking )
Holy crap!
Do you see what I see?
I\'m afraid I do,
We\'re being chased by ghosts!
So you went through all this trouble just to see a girl?
I just did, and I\'m just a fat idiot,
What\'s your excuse, you big chicken?
Chicken? You take that back,
And make me,
I don\'t make monkeys-- I train them,
( both grunting and groaning)
Holy crap! I\'m sorry,
Did that hurt?
No, But this will!
Ah! Ah! You bastard!
( yelling )
What the hell is going on out here?
Um,,,
Actually, I, uh,,, I, uh,,,
Actually, he wanted to ask you something,
Amy, you want to go somewhere and grab a coffee?
Sure, I get off at 2:00,
Great, Uh, uh, Great,
Uh, I\'ll meet you here,
You did it!
All right!
Hey, who knows? You might even, uh, you know?
I\'m not following you,
-Intercourse, -Ha,
What are you doing here?
Loretta\'s mom was hankering for a snack
so we had to pick her up some Kibbles \'n Bits,
Cleveland!
I mean Cheez-its,
Did Peter give you a clue for me?
Peter? He\'s down at Barrington with Brian and Quagmire,
He\'s golfing?
On our anniversary?
Oh, boy, You just put Peter in a doghouse
which is where your mother,,,
Don\'t say it!
Your mother smells,
See? This is why I hate clothes shopping,
I have no ass, I\'m minus an ass,
You\'re trying too hard, Death,
She\'s not going to care what you\'re wearing,
She\'s just going to be glad to see you,
That\'s how it was with Lois,
( growling )
-( yells ) -( barking )
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
( barking ferociously )
Hi, Mr, Pewterschmidt,
What the hell are you doing her?
That\'s a long story
with some terrific performances
and a wonderful scene in a carnival
but I\'ll cut to the ending,
I want to marry Lois,
Out of the question!
Now, listen, Griffin, I want you to take this
and stay away from my daughter forever,
( gasps ): A million dollars!
A million dollars,
No deal,
Lois may be worth a million to you
but to me, she\'s worthless,
I love her, Mr, Pewterschmidt,
Oh, Peter!
Holy crap!
Back then, I gave up a million bucks just to be with Lois,
Now I won\'t even miss a lousy golf game
to spend our anniversary together,
No wonder she\'s going to dump me,
Or,,, is she?
Wait a minute, That\'s my revelation,
I got to pay more attention to my wife!
Eureka,
Now come on back to the golf course,
I\'ve got a date,
Death, wait, wait, wait,
Before we go, I need you to do me one more favor,
Peter,,,
Peter Frampton!
Oh, no! God, please, no!
I\'m too young to die,
Are you sure you\'re not supposed to be at Keith Richards\'s house?
All right, If you want to live, come with me
and bring your guitar
and bring that thing you use to make it go:
♪♪ Wa, wa-wa-wa-wa-wa, ♪♪
Hey!
( tires squealing )
How could he lie to me on our anniversary?!
( brakes screeching )
( guitar playing softly )
Frampton: ♪♪ Ooh, baby, I love the way,,, ♪♪
( music grows louder )
♪♪ I wanna tell you I love the way,,, ♪♪
♪♪ I wanna be with you night and day ♪♪
Oh, Peter, our song!
Happy anniversary, Lois!
This is the most romantic gift you\'ve ever given me,
How did you ever put all of this together?
Well, I had a little help
from a very special friend,
( song ends )
I like animals,
Uh-huh,
\'Cause they\'re like people,
Just little furry people,
Yeah, Uh, hey! You ever go on the internet?
They\'ve got some cool stuff there on that internet,
Oh, yeah, I bought these shoes
from a company on the internet
because they don\'t test on animals,
Wow, ( sighs )
You know, animals never have wars,
War is an invention of mankind,
What the hell are you talking about?
Animals fight all the time,
Not with nuclear arms,
You can\'t hug your children with nuclear arms,
Check, please,