OCTOBER 1981
THE COLD WAR RAGED BETWEEN THE US AND THE SOVIET UNION
THE WORLD WAS ON THE BRINK OF NUCLEAR WAR
WHAT THE WORLD NEEDED THE LEAST WAS AN IGNITING SPARK
THAT SPARK CAME,
BUT FROM AN UNEXPECTED PLACE,
THIS SERIES IS INSPIRED BY A TRUE STORY
SOME CHARACTERS AND LOCATIONS HAVE BEEN ALTERED
FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY QUITE A FEW, TO BE HONEST,,,
U 137 (S 363) HEADING FOR KALININGRAD, USSR
[grunts, pants]
Lucky break, The captain gave the go-ahead,
[sighs] Let's toast to you and your daughter, Tarasenko,
Give us a speech,
-Come on, guys, Speech! Speech! Speech! -Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!
Shh!
Comrades, dear friends, today is a special day,
Today, my beautiful daughter was born, I've never been prouder,
And on my birthday, no less, [chuckles]
LIEUTENANT TARASENKO, KGB
Long live Secretary-General Brezhnev,
Long live the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics!
-Cheers, Comrades, -[all] Cheers!
Attention!
[hatch opens]
Do you know what the meaning of life is, Comrade Lieutenant?
-Comrade Captain, -At ease,
Answer the question, Lieutenant,
-To serve the Soviet Union, Captain! -Come on, Don't be a fool,
Sure, you're from the KGB and our political officer,
But on board, I'm in charge,
-Do you smoke, Lieutenant? -No, Comrade Captain!
Of course you do,
All right, sit down, Here,
The meaning of life, Lieutenant, is daughters,
You know, sons are nothing but trouble,
They drink, fight,
Nothing but disappointment, but daughters,,, Yes,
Well, guys, let's raise a toast!
What the fuck is this, Lieutenant? Milk?
Come on, guys! Fetch something stronger,
-[chuckling] -What the hell?
That's it, guys, I'll leave you to it,
But before I go, I will say this,
I have decided to grant Lieutenant Tarasenko leave of duty,
Sub-lieutenant Kuznetsov, set course for Klaipėda,
Yes, Captain!
We'll drop him off there, Questions?
None whatsoever, Comrade Captain!
Thank you!
Well, then, celebrate the occasion properly, guys,
I hereby declare a truce in the Cold War from now until 0600 tomorrow,
To your health, guys!
No, no, Someone must be on watch,
-Understood? -Yes, Comrade Captain,
Right,
-Cheers, submariners! -[all cheer]
Ew! Vodka with milk!
[background laughter]
Boys, They are still boys,
Great, glorious guys, You, run along and celebrate,
-Look at him, He got a cigar! -[laughter]
Come on here! Come on here!
Igor, you want some bacon?
[laughs]
-[Popov] You've changed the course, right? -[Kuznetsov] What?
-[Popov] Captain's orders, -[Kuznetsov] Son of a bitch! That's right,
-Okay, Here we go, -You need to find out the coordinates,
Guys, a party without dancing is no party,
-Hey, I'm working here! -Sergey, didn't you hear me call for you?
The Cold War is on hold, Let's go!
Coming, coming,,,
There we go,,,
Done! Implement,
-Sergey! Sergey! -What?
-Is this a five or a six? -Just do it!
Come on! Close the door so we don't disturb the captain,
[chattering and laughter]
THE NATIONAL BORDER
[weather forecaster] ,,,or moderate gale, Gåsefjärden, south-westerly breeze,
The Öresund Channel and the southern Baltic Sea,
stiff westerly breeze, tonight, increasing to strong winds,
Hanö Bay and southern Öland, strong gale, moderate visibility,
THE JANSSON BROTHERS - FISHERMEN
-The flag? -It's down,
All right,
That's this day behind us, then,
Well, it was no worse than yesterday, Or what do you think?
No better either, if you look at it that way,
Are you sure?
-What? -The flag,
I'm just going to check something,
Christ,,,
The meaning of life is daughters,
[laughter, chattering]
[vomits]
-To my daughter! -Cheers! Cheers!
-May she grow up happy! -[all] May she grow up happy!
-Press it down! -[raucous laughter]
[cheering, calling out]
[roars]
[laughter]
[plays upbeat melody]
[all chanting]
[raucous yelling]
[laughs]
-[Popov] Sergey! -[Kuznetsov] Not now,
I'm going to hit the bullseye,
-[Popov] I looked at your coordinates,,, -Not now!
[Popov] Comrade, it's not clear how you calculated the coordinates,
We're still heading east, right?
-[tremendous bang] -[grunting]
-[heavy rumbling] -[yelling, screaming]
[whir of engine]
[distant bang]
What might that have been?
Uh, Olofsson doesn't haul up his boat at this time of the year, does he?
Well, you never know with Olofsson, but,,,
this late at night?
Right, how about a round before we turn in?
I have to get up early tomorrow, so, uh,,,
No,
-Take the small skiff, -I don't trust the big one,
I'll check the pistons tomorrow while you're away,
[grunts]
-Have you set your alarm? -Yeah,
-Good, -[grunts]
-[yawns] -[grunts]
-Good night, -Good night,
[rumbling]
[panting]
This is what I call a party!
Are,,, are we in Klaipėda already?
Woo! [laughs]
[birdsong]
Nope,,,
[pants]
No,
Nothing in that net today,
But I wasn't expecting there to be anyway, [sniffs]
The wind's completely wrong, It's the north-westerly,
Right, Let's check the other seven, Bettan,
Ah, You're not cold, are you? No,
-Off we go, [sniffs] -[rumbling]
[rumbling]
Popov?
Comrade Captain,
Uh, no severe hull damage, but she's firmly aground,
Full astern,
I said full astern!
[rumbling]
[Popov] Comrade Captain, should we telegraph for help?
We? I decide what to do next! And you shut up!
Uh,,,
Comrade Captain,,,
I told you to shut your mouth,
Oh, no, we're not going over there today,
We'll check the other seven
-some other time, -[engine starts]
[Captain Peskov] What was that?
Did anyone spot us?
-[Harry] You're back early, -[Gustav] Well,,, [sniffles]
-[Gustav exhales] -Let me guess,
Nothing in net number one, and nothing in number two or three either,
No, Number one was empty, You're right so far,
But, uh,,, I came back home after that,
There's a submarine on Torhamnaskär,
On Torhamnaskär? What's it doing there?
I didn't want to go up and ask,
-I think it's foreign, -Foreign?
So that's what, made that noise yesterday?
Should we call someone?
Well, we have a phone line now, so let's put it to some use,
-Who should we call? -Well,,, someone,
-Maybe Björklund at the Home Guard, -Oh, no, Not Björklund,
Not until he returns the hammer he borrowed,
Uh, that was 20 years ago,
Then it's about time, isn't it?
[Monika] Fine, I'll pick the kids up then, since your job clearly is so important,
I just work for the prime minister,
[phone ringing]
I don't have time for this anymore, Someone's calling on line two, Mm,
-I have to work, Bye, -[phone ringing]
-The government offices, Good morning, -[Gustav] Well, uh, good morning,
This is Gustav, Gustav Jansson, and,,,
I was out on the water this morning,
Well, before dawn, You want to get started early,
Emptying the nets takes time,
and you don't want the fish to get stuck in the nets and die and such,
-Sorry, to whom may I connect you? -Well, you see, my brother Harry and I,,,
We really don't want to cause any fuss,
At first, we thought we'd call the Home Guard,
but Björklund is their boss,
But we don't exactly see eye to eye with each other, Um,,,
Since quite a few years back, actually, but I'll spare you the details,
Kindly state whom you want to speak to and what this is about,
It's about the emptying of eight nets,
And now, this morning, I could only empty one,
For starters, the wind wasn't right,
But there's also a,,, a submarine blocking the other seven,
Well, we thought the prime minister might want to know seeing that,,,
-Your name was Jansson? -That's correct,
Mr, Jansson, can you even grasp how busy the Prime Minister is?
Well, I,,, I don't know if I can, Should I be able to?
Probably not, So I suggest that you toughen up
and try to empty the nets without the prime minister's help,
If the wind turns, things usually work out, Right?
And in the event that a submarine, a carrier or perhaps a mermaid pops up,
just ask them to move, because the ocean belongs to everyone,
Goodbye! All right, Goodbye,
[disconnect tone]
Uh,,, Uh,,,
Well? What did they say?
Uh, well, they said they thought it would work itself out if only the wind turns,
-In what direction? -They didn't say,
I say we call the newspaper, and maybe they'll write about it,
Then the prime minister might read it if he has the time,
We can't stand here all day calling people left, right, and center, Huh?
We should've never gotten a phone! I knew it from the start,
Right, well, we still have seven nets to empty out there,
It'd probably be best for business if the submarine disappeared,
Yes,
-[alarm dings in background] -Hey, nitwit, where are we?
-Uh, halfway up on land, Captain,,, -That much I understand, you idiot,
Which country are we in? If we're in the USSR,
maybe we'll get off easy with 30 years in Siberia,
Answer me, goddammit!
Where are we? Where?
I,,, I didn't finish the calculations,
We've been working all night,
but I estimate that we are about 162 nautical miles
west of Klaipėda, Comrade Captain,
-We're in Lithuania? -Yes, Lithuania,
Or rather no, Comrade Captain,
Apparently, we're in,,, Sweden,
Sweden? Shit,
Shit!
Where's Tarasenko? -Over there, sleeping,
Oh! Comrade Captain, old chap,
I'm not your damn chap, You're the political officer, idiot,
Get up and do your job! Understood?
Uh, according to my calculations, we are 19 nautical miles into Swedish waters,
That's six nautical miles from the city of Karlskrona,
Son of a bitch,
[Tarasenko] Why are we here?
We're supposed to be in Klaipėda for my leave,
You can forget about your leave, dumbass!
You'll be court-martialed!
Someone fucked up the coordinates,
Someone?
Uh, it might have been me,
Shit! Goddamn it!
Karlsgryne?
Karls,,, Karlskrona, Karls,,,
-[woman] Evening Post, Bengtsson speaking, -[Gustav] Well, Good morning, Mrs, Editor,
My name is Gustav, uh, Gustav Jansson,
And I,,, I was out this morning emptying the nets, and,,,
Never mind, I'll get straight to it,
My brother, he says you'll give us a reward of 50 kronor
if we tip you off that there's a foreign submarine on Torhamnaskär,
Is that correct?
[knocking]
[heavy knocking]
Enter,
[door opens]
[clears throat]
You called for me, Comrade Captain?
I need you to send a message to Moscow,
Navigational system out of order, Stop,
Swedish territorial waters, Stop,
Possible diplomatic complications, Stop,
And add our coordinates,
-Is that all, Comrade Captain? -Isn't that enough?
Should I congratulate Comrade Brezhnev on his glorious anniversary?
Not at all, Comrade Captain, I was just thinking,,,
What were you thinking? What were you thinking, huh?
Comrade Captain, as far as I know, the navigational system isn't broken,
Then make damn sure it's broken,
Understood!
[glass smashes]
[sobs softly]
[sighs]
THE KREMLIN MOSCOW PEACE TO THE WORLD
You move like a child, Hurry up,
LEONID BREZHNEV, SECRETARY-GENERAL
So, that means the operation has failed?
Answer me, you sons of bitches!
[clears throat]
-It has, Comrade Secretary-General, -[click of typewriter]
Actually, no, Comrade Brezhnev,
Everything was going according to plan
until Captain Peskov got stuck on that rock,
[clears throat]
If the Secretary-General allows it, I will try to explain,
Explain it, so that a senile idiot would understand,
Um, Operation Archipelago went according to plan,
All participants nearly,,, nearly achieved their goals,
The only thing that remained was to place radio beacons and mines,
For reasons still unclear to us,,,
Captain,,,
Peskov decided to change course from Kaliningrad,
thereby entering territorial waters,
And this is when you suspended the operation?
I'm afraid so, Comrade Brezhnev,
You two cowards can leave,
And the puppy will stay here with me,
Mm,
[door closes]
-[glass thumps on table] -[Brezhnev grunts]
Well, what's your name?
Oh, never mind,
Puppy it is,
I'm having a hard time remembering things lately,
Like that guy's last name,,,
-What is it again? -Peskov,
-Who? -Captain Peskov,
Um, what about him?
He's the one that's run the sub aground in the Swedish archipelago,
Then he'll be court-martialed, Listen,
What does what's-his-name know about all of this?
-Who? -The cowboy,
-The cowboy? -Yes, the cowboy,
[Reagan] Have you heard the story about three dogs?
No, Mr, President, Please, do tell,
Well, there was an American dog, and a Polish dog, and a Russian dog,
And they were all having a visit, and the American dog
was telling them about the way things were in this country,
And he said, "You know, you can bark, and then somebody comes along
and gives you some meat,"
And the Polish dog said, "Well, what's meat?"
And then the Russian dog, he said, "What's bark?"
-"What's b,,," -[laughter]
Pull!
[gunshot]
-[Reagan grunts] -[aide] Nice shot, Mr, President,
What do you mean? I missed one of 'em,
[aide] Because, you know, when it,,,
Mr, President, look over there, Is that the General?
All right, let's go,
Looks like General Cooper's up early this morning,
-Mr, President, we have a situation, -What's going on, General?
The Russians have launched a potential attack against Sweden,
As far as we know, they've made an insurgence
close to Sweden's largest naval marine base,
Potential?
I assume those bastards have nukes involved,
The situation is still a bit unclear, Mr, President,
Well, let's go clear things up, then, Get the choppers ready for Washington,
And get me the Swedish prime minister on the phone!
Absolutely, Mr, President,
[phone ringing]
[bleating of sheep, lowing of cattle]
[Solveig] Honey, will you answer it?
[Thorbjörn] Yeah!
[phone continues ringing]
Hello, Thorbjörn speaking,
THORBJÖRN FÄLLDIN, PRIME MINISTER
-Hello? -[disconnect tone]
-[Solveig] Who was it? -No, I was too slow,
They'll call again if it's something important,
[distant bleat of sheep]