Bang on time!
Thank you for choosing Hamid Taxis,
I hope the trip was as beneficial for you
as it was for us,
However, we won't be seeing you soon,
Sorry, I have to take this,
Who can it be?
Hello? Unc?
Uncle Hamid?
Who's this?
Eddy, your nephew,
Hey, what can I do for you?
I need the taxi or I'm a dead man,
Sorry, you're dead then,
Uncle Hamid, don't do this to me, It's really important,,,
Junior, I'm losing you, I'm in a tunnel,
What tunnel?
Anyway, the telephone's broken,
It's bust!
It's you who draws wee-wees on my ride?
Here, take that!
The next person who I got,
he'll have me to deal with,
Got that?
5 years our Most Wanted and I collar you,
- You just got me promotion, - Bullshit, You got the wrong man,
One week earlier,
Tell it to the Chief,
We'll take a shortcut so we don't keep him waiting,
Like I give a bag of dicks,
If that's how it is,
Do you mind a little music?
Gimme a break,
Let's do this,
Don't say your forgot your seatbelt?
How can I put it on handcuffed?
- What's the idea? - A problem?
What the heck! No!
Hold on tight!
What do you want?
Damn, wrong way, U-turn!
Stop!
Stop! I did it!
It was me! You win!
Slow down!
What's wrong with it?
Eyes on the road!
I'll talk, It was Jimenez!
- Tell me,,, - Don't take your eyes off the road!
It was him all along,
Look, no hands!
Just knees!
Use your hands!
What else? His address?
Hotel Paradise, Saint-Denis!
Room 312!
Like the trip?
No, don't!
Watch me,
Just the one hand!
Next delivery?
- On Saturday, - What time?
3 o'clock,
You aced it,
Say hi to the camera,
Shit!
Chief, guess who's Cop Monthly cover model,
Yours truly,
That's worth a transfer to a SWAT unit,
Sit down, Marot,
I'll gloss over what your vehicle costs
in rubber after every mission,
- Only tires, - There's a more serious issue,
Go ahead,
Do you know Christelle Bucherot?
Christelle? I've known quite a few Christelles,
The Christelle Bucherot
you spent last night with,
Christelle!
Of course!
How is she? I had to leave early,
Shut it, Marot,
Who's Commissioner?
The Commissioner?
Our Commissioner?
Our Commissioner is Jean-Bertrand,,,
Bucherot,
That's right, Bucherot,
That's funny, same last name as Christelle,
Could be they're family or,,,
even married?
She's his wife,
She kept that quiet,
Your excellent record kept you in law enforcement,
but the Commissioner ordered your transfer,
Not to a SWAT unit, I guess?
No, not at all,
Community Police,
In Marseille,
Marseille down south?
That's pretty inconvenient, Living in Paris,
it's a long,,,
Marot, deal with it,
Dismissed,
Heart of stone,
Marseille,
All good? Settled in?
I guess,
Meet the team,
You'll feel better then,
- Sure? - Sure, A crack team,
Hyper-dynamic,
Hotshots, To begin,,,
The big guy over there,
with a beard, looks a bit weird,
That's Menard,
Menard puts the fun in police,
It doesn't show, but he's cool, open-minded,
A goofball, always pulling pranks when he's bored,
He's easily bored,
Red alert! Let's move out!
What do you think this is? A hookah bar?
Menard, you bastard!
They take midgets in the police?
Sylvain, show some respect, We don't say midget,
Alright,
We say little person, It matters,
So, the midget's name is Michel,
He's crazy about anything miniature, model toys and so on,
He doesn't look like a Michel,
I know, yes, His real name's Abdelrahman,
Since he converted to Christianity, he goes by Michel,
- Really? - Absolutely,
He's born again,
He celebrates every feast day, Easter, the Ascension,
Pentecost, Christmas, Nativity scenes everywhere,
It's tough,
And when he sees nuns, he freaks,
He's unstoppable,
Radicalized?
It's exhausting, seriously,
And over there,
the pervy-looking guy, that's Regis,
Don't make eye contact,
No eye contact?
- No, none, Please, - Really?
Regis has a thing for espionage,
He began spying on his wife, She left him,
- No kidding, - Right,
No eye contact,
He's our ace geolocalizer,
He is?
Any girls in the unit?
I was coming to that,
You'll love this,
At 3 o'clock,
A sight for sore eyes,
- Sandrine, the bombshell of the unit, - Bombshell?
Watch out, she's a maneater,
Miss Community Police pageant winner,
2013, 2014, 2015,
She's something else,
Yup, something else,
- Heavy-duty, - Very Heavy-duty,
Check that out!
Alain,,,
With regard to vehicles, how are you equipped?
- You're into cars? - Yes,
You're in for a treat,
Hungry, right?
This is Unit 14, we're gonna hit the beach,
Aren't you kinda missing a door?
Sure, it's in the shop,
People forget door maintenance, It's crazy,
You're shitting me!
No, it's in the shop,
I'm all bent out of shape here,
Don't start,
I'm not taking no shit,
- You watched the game? - No time,
The game? Did you see the game?
I didn't, That's my girlfriend, sorry,
Yes, sugar,
How's my little Eddy bear?
Good, With a fare right now,
I'm home alone, Daddy's away,
Stop by for a little hug,
Whoa, she's hot to trot,
I told Rene I'd stop by to discuss the game,
That was yesterday,
Yes, but no,
Ok, you're right,
Your buddies can cheer you up,
How come, cheer me up?
I'm done, Eddy, You're funny, adorable, but it's over,
I need a man,
The man of my dreams,
You need what? The man of your dreams?
Who took you to see Marseille in the semi-finals?
Lameass game,
We didn't even sit together,
Your seat was free,
I want a man with projects,
with ambition,
My project for gluten-free shisha is in the pipeline,
Just needs a green light,
You don't get it,
Try this,,,
I don't want a super-sub,
I want a striker with the skills to get behind the defense
and score from every angle,
Clear now?
Crystal clear,
I have Brazilian roots,
My father's from Caracas,
Brazilian? I call BS!
I'll light your fire,
I'm blazing, If I call the firemen,
it won't be for a calendar,
Are you nuts?
- I've got this, - What have you got?
You've got nothing, You're a menace!
I like you, Sylvain,
We'll make a great team,
Yeah,
Don't get too attached, I'm joining a SWAT unit,
I won't be in Marseille long, actually,
Dream on,
In the bus lane, He's mine!
Cool, right?
- I'll come with, - Eat up, it's good,
Community Police!
Pull over,
What the,,,
Pull over, man!
The dipshit'll move,
Stop, dipshit!
Holy shit!
You lunkhead! You whacked a copper!
He stood there like he owns the road,
Baby!
Sweetheart! Pussycat!
No!
- Why you? - I'm ok!
You did good but in Marseille,
nobody stops for the Community Police,
He's mine,
He's mine!
Leave this to me,
- Don't come, you'll slow me down, - I'm coming!
Careful, Seatbelt, Sandrine!
This gets my juices gushing!
Come on! You guys, go ahead!
I'll stay at the scene, keep an eye out,
Let's hit it!
Dodged that bullet,
And now he's angry,
No kidding,
You hothead!
2018 and they block lanes like that!
To stop us, Is that normal?
- I got the uber-dope, - Sorry?
I feel sick,
Let me concentrate, Sandrine,
Damn car's so slow,
Help me!
What's the deal?
Sandrine, counter-balance us,
I'm trying,
- Much better, - I'm slipping,
We'll flip!
Shit, the cop car's crabbing!
Counter-balance us!
1, 2, 3!
Keep to your side, ok?
Here they come!
- I feel sick, - Me too!
I'm gonna repaint your car,
I just had it cleaned,
- Gonna vom, - Puke?
Here it comes,,,
Raining back there?
I feel sick,
- Alright? - Don't ask,
- Feeling better? - You laughing like Ajerk,
Vandal!
- I feel sick, - No, Sandrine,
- Not in the car, - Gonna barf,
I don't feel good,
Gonna barf!
Him again?
Let's see if you know Marseille,
Ok, Sandrine?
Look out!
Take a dip!
Cream cakes!
Look!
Make an effort!
- C'mon, Sandrine, - Sylvain!
Push my butt!
Too late, guys!
Welcome to Marseille!
Community Police! You're loopy!
What's gotten into you deadbeats?
It's his first day in Marseille,
We know who you are,
A two-bit supercop from Paris,
Look,,,
This is Marseille,
Butt out and we'll get along,
Got it?
Enough,
I'll kill him,
- I know, - I'm just saying,
No, keep calm,
Cut it out, Sandrine,
Ok, pumpkin?
- I'll tell him, - We just let it go?
You want a surprise? Here I come,
No way! My bag!
Help, anyone!
Sugar baby!
It's me, sugar!
Hanging out by the gates, Surprise!
I'll open up,
No, don't!
That's just great,
A great day!
You want the man of your dreams?
Coming right UP!
How about some Beethoven?
What?
A film about dogs? Buzz kill,
The original sucks,
Leave the music to me,
Feels like the painting has eyes,
That's Daddy, by a famous artist,
Alright,
And the statue?
That's Daddy, too,
It's a beauty,
Yeah, sure is,
Solid,
Fire, Behind you,
- Do something, - I'm no fireman!
- Put it out! - What with?
That's perfume!
Save Daddy's portrait!
I've got it!
It's hot!
Untie me!
Eddy Maklouf, untie me right now!
The chandelier's falling!
Eddy, untie me!
Hello there,
What the fuck is going on here
Not what you think,
His voice reminds me of EA Sports, it's in the game!
You look better in the flesh,
Super elegant,
Red alert!
I'm back! It's been so long,
I feel so good,
Opening retirement homes
and gay weddings, the fun soon wears off,
What I need is action in the field,
- Right? - True, Mr, Mayor,
In the field, Listen up, ladies and gents,
We have more than a situation, A severe problem,
This time, no Chinks, no Santa Claus,
no Bosch, no Belgians even,
Worse than that,,,
It's,,,
Blacks, sir?
No,
I know,
- Arabs, - No, sir,
- Roms, sir? - No!
For goodness' sake, Eye,,,
Eye,,,
Ice cream?
Put her on parking violations,
Don't play games with me, No way,
Eyeties! You know, Italians!
Eyeties, of course! He means a gang of robbers,
Five heists in jewelries in and around town,
They struck again today,
The device,
Ladies and gents, we have 5 days, Cinque giorni!
Until the eyes of the world are on Marseille,
For the MUCEM exhibition of diamonds, jewels
and tutti chianti!
I won't let us be humiliated,
Catch them, tail them, find the Ferraros
and bring in the eye-witnesses who heard everything,
Could you see that?
One last thing,
As you know, my poll numbers
aren't great, huh?
I won't let the Federal Police tread on our toes,
This is a case for Community Cops of Marseille,
Is that an understand?
Yes, sir!
Good, I have named this operation
Operation Vaffanculo!
Mr, Mayor?
You speak Italian?
No, why?
Maybe choose another name,
I really liked it actually,
Vaffanculo,
Let me think, give me a second,
Got it!
I name this operation
Operation
Mafia!
We're not equipped for these missions,
And outnumbered,
Like King Charles at Poitiers versus the Arabs,
He kept 'em out!
We can't do less,
And where's our supercop from Paris?
Here, Mr, Mayor,
- Quentin! - Sylvain,
Miro?
- Marot, - Same difference,
- I'll introduce you, - Really?
Marin will lead this mission,
bringing his expertise
to our beautiful city, Right, Marteau?
I should point out I'm just passing through,
Very soon I'll join a SWAT unit,
Great idea and an excellent reason
to wrap up this mission, Ghislain,
- Really? - Absolutely,
Synchronize watches!
Bichon, time?
- 14:12, - 12:05, perfect,
Antipasta! Avanti!
Have a good day,
Well?
Didn't I say you'd like it here?
I'm on the Italian Gang,
Bring them in and I'm out,
For sure,
Found anything so far?
Their M,O, is a new Ferrari for every heist,
Top of the range,
Ferrari California, Ferrari 458,
I won't catch them in our Dacia,
You think so?
One thing's for sure,,,
If Daniel and Emilien were here,
it would be different,
Who?
Daniel and Emilien,
Whatever,
You're saying you don't know Daniel and Emilien?
No, sorry,
Folks in Paris know them,
The Mercedes Gang? Ring a bell?
Bank robbers, late 90s?
Exactly,
Daniel and Emilien caught them,
No kidding,
Same goes for the,,,
The Japanese,
The Santa Claus Gang, The Belgians,
Daniel and Emilien,
Emilien, what a cop!
Brainpower, I couldn't keep up,
Wow,
And Daniel,
What a driver!
A magician in his taxi,
It wasn't a taxi, it was a rocket,
A torpedo!
Blink, you missed it,
No, you shoulda seen it,
He'd fold out the glovebox,
push buttons, flick switches and then,,,
The taxi rose off the ground,
It was transformed,
A new registration number, so you know,,,
Go Marseille!
That taxi was just wow!
And when he took off,
he tore rubber off the road,
I see,
No, you don't,
He pulverized speed cameras,
They fell over when he passed,
Over 300 km/h!
Faster than bullet trains,
They even went to Paris, You know how?
Air-dropped with a parachute
from a military plane flown by Daniel's father-in-law,
They were in the air!
The taxi floated,
Swear to god, I heard all about it,
He deployed the wings because of the,,,
- Wings? - He deployed wings!
As Gibert is my witness!
- Listen up! - Sorry,
That taxi, where is it?
Dunno, Emilien left the force,
And Daniel lives in Miami now,
I dunno,
Maybe we can find out through,,,
Daniel's nephew,
But he must be a nephew by marriage,
He's weird, not like Daniel,
I don't want a partner, I want the taxi,
True,
We gotta find it,
With the taxi, I bag the Italians,
You bet, Italians, Scots, everyone,
I feel better after that,
- Really? - Yeah,
Here's the thing,
I think Daniel and Emilien, it's outdated,
Like Starsky & Hutch, Cagney & Lacey, Tom & Jerry,
Their time is over,
Now it's time for Tresor & Marot!
Yeah, sounds good,
I'd struggle on my own,
You're not on your own, I've got your back,
You've got mine,
- Thanks for that, - No prob,
- I couldn't do this on my own, - For sure,
Now there's two of us!
We're twice as strong,
We're invincible,
Totally,
- What are we? - Invincible!
It's not serious,
Tomorrow I'll be up and at 'em,
Back on the case,
Alain and Sylvain, 2 aces in one hand!
Too right,
Rest up,
Hurts,
You ok?
Chief, we tracked down the hit-and-run perp,
And we tracked down Daniel's nephew,
Alright,
- A name? - Eddy Maklouf,
They're namesakes,
I'm guessing same address?
Wouldn't that be pretty incredible?
You dorks, they're the same guy!
I like when you bawl us out,
Beat it,
No way!
1, 2, 3!
Stop that,
It's an armored door!
Looks like wood,
I'm on it, chief!
Sandfine!
Motherfucker!
- Police! - You maniacs!
Can't you knock? It was open,
It's burning!
It's stinging!
Officer, why did you do that?
He was aggressive,
It's burning!
It's stinging!
Officer, I'm sorry,
Driving in a bus lane, hit-and-run, speeding,
Not to mention attempted murder
of a police officer,
I'm in a bad place,
Same here,
On the verge of burnout,
My girl just dumped me,
The upside is,
you'll get time in jail to recover,
For sure,
Deal for you,,,
You find the taxi, I wipe the slate clean,
Not bad?
No, yes, I can't,
The taxi, we sent it back to,,,
Algeria,
Algeria?
200,000 on the clock,
so we sent it to my Unc in Algeria,
Can I offer you a deal?
A kind of counter-deal?
What do I have to lose?
Let's say I find the rocket,
We could team up, Like in Bad Boys,
You're Will Smith, I'm Martin Lawrence,
No, there's no way we're teaming up,
- No, - Too bad,
We could've taken down the Italians,
Come again,
I know all Marseille,
I thought, maybe I could help,
I'd put my Uber buddies on it,
But apparently,,,
No way,
With all due respect,,,
Your crew,,,
The bottom of the barrel,
Now that's very unfair,
Unfair?
My team is dynamic,,,
Hawk-eyed, Nothing escapes them,
You bet,
Morning, chief,
Morning, Menard,
Using Sandrine's photo,
I made a composite of our suspect,
Eddy Maklouf, 25,
Marseille's worst-rated Uber,
That's just,,,
Morning, sir,
Morning,
He won't escape our eagle eyes,
Let's roll, people!
I feel no pain, Let's go,
Let's catch him!
Grab your guns and nunchaku!
I'll start up the minivan,
What is that?
Marseille Goes Green
Ms, Minister!
Knock it off!
Sorry I'm late,
And now, photo!
High times!
Excuse me while I make a speech,
As you all know,
people's major concern in Marseille is ecology!
I'm extremely proud to introduce the ultimate weapon
against canine excrement,,,
KK2000 poop rider!
Strike up the band, you blockheads!
My fellow citizens,
we'll stop hosing down the Marseillaise,
I mean, Marseille,
We'll vac it up with KK2000
and its capacity
of 35,000 dog poops per day!
And per night!
All collected,
crushed and compacted
to end up
in this awe-inspiring tank,
Mr, Mayor, sorry,
how is the tank emptied?
Simple, Hit this button and,,,
A Kleenex for Ms, Mister!
Heavens above!
Don't move or it'll,,,
It'll seep,
Hey, sugar, it's me,
You don't call me, I keep calling you,
I'm still your Eddy bear,
so call whenever you want, I'm worried you're,,,
I'm worried,
Incoming call, Maybe that's you!
Hamid, What now?
You got the car?
Yes, we're picking up the car,
What number?
What number container?
6-6-8
668,
Send cream cheese,
That one,
You asked me for so much, I can't add cream cheese now!
And Honey Puffs,
On my mother's life,
I sent Honey Puffs with a bee on the box,
I gotta go,
I'm with the police,
Medicare? I'll ask them to send you a card,
Pain in the butt!
1, 2, 3!
The famous taxi!
- So it was all true, - You bet,
Would I lie to you?
My uncle's a Marseille legend,
What's this pedal do?
The brake, I guess,
Flip the wipers to get rid of the dust,
Yeah, sure,
- That's the blinkers, - I know,
Sorry, are you sure you can drive it?
What?
Know who I am?
I am Eddy Maklouf, nephew of Daniel,
a living legend in Marseille,
Driving is in our genes,
So, yes, I'm sure I can drive it!
- Let's go, - No, not let's go,
You,,,
I'll pretend I didn't hear,
Ok, let's roll,
I love that sound,
Hold onto your hat,
- Stalled it, - No!
You stalled,
It is in fact centrifugal force
propelling us forward,
Did those genes skip a generation?
You're stressing me out, I can't concentrate,
You have a license?
- What? - A driver's license,
Sure, I have a license for automatics,
- License for What? - What?
My license for automatics,
Sure,
Automatic transmission,
This is manual, I can't drive it,
There's an extra brake pedal, only softer,
- That's the clutch, - Sure,
So you can't drive,
Can,
Can't,
Mr, Mayor?
Gibert here, Listen up,
The calzone's out of the oven,
I repeat, Jot it down,
The calzone's out of the oven,
Sorry but,,,
I don't get it,
Eyetie attack!
So, red alert!
518, Paradise Street, Got it now?
Avanti, Tonio!
Not being pessimistic, but it's a trap,
With Gibert on the case?
A trap? What are you saying?
Obey!
What's going on?
I'll drive,
I never drove it!
Sylvain, I'll soon get the hang of it,
Sorry, I'm no instructor,
Just a couple slaloms,
Music?
There's just this old CD,
Let's hit it,
Red alert!
Morons! What morons!
Start up, pile up,
Gold medal stupidity,
Let's move it, we're wasting time!
You two over there, let's go,
Fast!
Ms, Minister, stay and rest up,
Impossible,
Enjoy the sea air,
I'll enjoy Paris,
Of course, Ms, Minister,
No arguments!
To the airport, fast!
Yes, ma'am,
Those eyes are lethal weapons, Tchikita
Hair as long as Nikita
Nobody cheats her, nobody beats her
Tchikita, Tchikita!
What are we waiting for?
Bichon, back off!
Can't you see you're interrupting?
I was into it,
Let me finish the song, I love this track,
You worry me, reacting like that
when my inspiration flows, Not good,
- Sorry, - Very sad,
- Watch it, - I didn't think,
Whatever you do, don't think,
Spare us a catastrophe,
Listen and do nothing,
Don't say a word,
- No comments, - Ok,
Even that's too much!
We're on a mission,
Don't let me hear
the fly fly and the dragonfly kiss it,
Nothing at all,
Maximum concentration,
Just what I said, jack 'em
and snag the Hummer,
Why the long face?
Scared?
Did I ever drop you in shit?
Just once?
Bro, 2 months in the slammer,
Where you worked on your pecs and a rap album,
Besides that?
That villa,
Easy, you said, Lots of gems,
12 pitbulls got a chunk of my ass,
It grows back,
Do you trust me or not?
Not,
- You don't trust me? - No,
Trust me, yes or no?
Yes,
Go jack the SUV and bring it to me,
Go, badass!
Not now, bro, Not,,,
A time for everything, and a home too,
Nice and quiet,
Get out now, lady, No joke!
I'll blow your tires out and smoke ya!
Don't mess with me!
Friend of yours?
No, I think he's carjacking us,
Time to play dirty,
He has a nerve!
This is a heist!
Hands up!
Jewels in the bag!
Get down!
- You good? - Sure!
- I have A question, - What?
Which unit teaches cops
to drive like this?
This isn't the airport road,
I'm following the police, Could be a shortcut,
They're all following,
Call him,
On our way,
We're ready,
They exit with the loot,
I block them with the Hummer,
and then,,,
Finito!
La Traviata!
Make it snappy! Give me that!
Twitching!
Mafia!
It's me, guys!
I never saw a French taxi move so fast,
That hurts!
Wanna play?
Let's play,
I'm toast if you crash,
How many?
Speed limit's 50,
Deep breaths, keep calm, we're good,
I'm very calm! I am calm!
All these cars weren't part of the plan!
They're too fast for us on main roads,
Shortcut coming up, Go left,
- When? - Now,
Game over already,
Next right,
We're too dangerous here,
No prob, I'm on it,
Get your hands off me!
Hey, Eddy,
I've got it,
Listen up, Eddy's incoming,
Go inside!
You too, guys!
Fun fact, Marseille began here,
Does he give a damn?
Jesus!
So ugly,
Yellow Ferrari bombing through the old port,
Interested?
Thanks, Baba,
- The old port, - Where?
Down the back streets,
No time,
What's your plan?
Shortcut, you said,
Not this one,
Hold on tight!
This is wrong,
You thought our race was run?
Cool, let's play,
Watch out, we'll hit it!
Or maybe not, We're good,
We had them,
Now we're chumps,
Don't make a drama out of it,
Tomorrow, this'll be forgotten,
Unforgettable!
Yeah, sure,
I was there,
Every heist, something happens,
This time, the Minister,
Before, an accident downtown, A pileup outside police HQ,
They have a police mole?
What now?
We boost up the taxi,
No more humiliations!
I'll take you to the best auto-shop in Marseille,
- Yeah? - Trust me,
Let's go,
Michel, warm up, I need you in midfield,
Best auto-shop in Marseille?
- Seriously? - It's family here,
- Your sister? - Sure,
Were you adopted?
No, why?
Just asking,
- Hey, - Hey there,
I hope you didn't drive it
or Unc'll kill you,
We nearly die, she worries about the car,
She speaks her mind, let it go,
Dammit, I'm gone,
We recommissioned it,
If you tune it up,
drinks on me at the old port,
Keep your lame pickup lines for girls in Paris,
This is Marseille,
It takes more originality to buy a girl a drink here,
I'll give it a tweak
to be in shape tomorrow,
You like dolphins?
- I saw your,,, - Sure,
Me too,
It's not the coach, it's the players,
They play the way they're told to play
by the coach,
I own my bar, Chez Rene,
The staff mess up, I kick 'em out,
She hasn't replied all day,
I'd send a smiley, but which one?
Either the "no problem" smiley,
You know it, with the guy like this?
Or angry smiley,
With the mouth like this,
So you left me,
I can't choose between them,
Too bad there's no Algerian smiley,
Like this,,,
Same for chicks, but with a perm,
Whaddya think?
Really? You're asking me?
2 hours sounding off about your shorty,
I'm losing my mind here,
Rene, I need more ice here,
Right with you,
Sylvain, this is Baba,
my best buddy,
Or so I thought,
- Seriously? - Yup,
Over to you, man, I'm done, Good luck,
Goddamn!
See you, Baba,
Thanks, bro,
You'll run out of friends,
The Uber driver HQ?
Problems?
My girl, I mean, my ex-girl,
She blew off our talk tomorrow
to go to a party,
She's out of my league,
Girls that like me usually
have missing toes or mental issues,
I get the picture, Does your sister,,,
The one and only time
a pretty, smart, sweet girl shows any interest in me,
what do I do?
I spend all day at Rene's talking soccer,
Yup, that's dumb,
Does your sister,,,
It's dumb?
That's how you cheer me up?
I'm just saying,
Does your sister,,,
What's the plan with the Italians?
We infiltrate Italian crime circles,
Any contacts?
The only Italian I know here
is Rachid,
Is he,,,
His mom and dad are
like Italian?
His mom and dad are deadbeats,
He's not Italian, he's,,,
- See? - Got it,
Here, he's Italian,
He's from here,
If you,,,
Sure, I got it,
I'm like Rachid, that's not Italian,
He has an Italy shirt, Del Piero,
But that's it,
Rachid!
He's the shit,
You Iazyass scumbag, I told you, never call me Rachid,
What do you see on the tables?
You see couscous? Tagines?
No, pizza and bruschetta!
The name's Ricardo, dammit!
- Who's that? - Him?
Rachid-Ricardo, meet my friend Sylvain
from the police,
Everybody thought she was older,
not just me,
- It's not about that, - She looks 40, at least,
Not at all, Zip it, not a word,
It's alright, I've got it,
I've got it,
I know why you're here,
- You can't know,,, - I know,
Come with me,
No, it's not about that,
Place your bets! Let's break the bank!
That's very interesting,
That's not it either, Rachid,
14! Unbelievable!
- Why are You here? - Not for that,
Holy shit!
There you are,
I guess it's pointless saying I'm a collector,
Awesome, it's Iraq!
I'll close my eyes to this,
Tell me about the Italians,
What Italians are you talking about?
Eddy, put that down!
Ok, ok, sorry,
Ferraris, heists, Italians, Know them?
If I say yes, I'm in shit,
So no, don't know them,
You think I could,,,
No, put it down!
- Hands off! - Ok, sorry,
The feds will love your casino,
- You Know them? - They stopped by to eat,
- Pasta, - Don't bullshit me,
No Italian comes here for pasta,
You sold 'em weapons?
What? Yes or no?
Yes, no, some,
Which?
Little ones,
Small stuff,,,
Harmless weapons, Very harmless,
- Yeah? - Yeah,
No, this way, Look here,,,
Whassup, huh?
- What's there? - Where?
- Through the wall, - What wall?
He's got a nerve,
Naughty neighbor, Who knew this was here?
It's for the restaurant,
- Really? - Yes, the restaurant,
This is where we grow herbs,
Those are special herbs, like organic herbs,
We have rosemary, thyme, emmenthal,
And some?
Some weed,
Slow down!
I put it in salads!
- The Italians left with guns? - No, not at all,
I had to deliver,
Where?
Far, far away,
A racetrack at Vauvenargues,
- We've got them, - How come?
They're not robbers, they're racers,
What's the difference?
I'm a racer, too,
Tell him to put back my herb,
- It's parsley, - Hardly,
It's parsley and it's mine,
Put it back,
- Rachid, come on, - Hands off basil!
Faster through the curves,
Too slow!
On my mother's life, I feel sick,
Call your sister for me,
Now?
Right now!
Rocco!
Who the hell is that?
What do we do?
Shut it,
The hot guy with the taxi, remember?
No one of that description, sorry,
She hung up?
- She does that, - Call back,
- What? - Call her back!
Sylvain, Community Police,
I'm on a track taking down two Italian beauties,
Any advice?
Got you, Go into Setup,
Select Race mode,
No, not Race, Eyes on the road,
I'm with you,
Set Turbo to 1,3 bars,
Redispatch braking 65% front,
35% rear,
Now floor it, Which pedal?
I've got that,
Now we're talking,
We make A great team, Right?
Wrong,
When I'm done, I'll call,
There's no need,
A tough cookie,
Ready?
Stop it, Sylvain, please!
Italian cars are fragile
but you guys won't break 'em like that,
You're trespassing,
What do you want?
The streetcar last time pissed me off,
so I decided to practice,
Who knew you were running 'em in?
We were wondering, the red one's pretty
but you put a Fiat 500 engine in it?
Nah, it's his wife's,
You need horsepower to suit the mullet,
Rocco!
You're very arrogant,
But you drive good,
I'm throwing a party tomorrow,
You wanna earn more than a taxi fare,
stop by, meet some people,
If I'm in the area, I will,
Taxi drivers make the best racers,
You know,
they go like a cab out of hell,
He's not coming,
Job done,
Why isn't he coming exactly?
He's coming!
All work, no play?
You never work?
Sometimes, I brought you flowers,
What for?
Try them in a vase,
Thanks,
Girls like flowers usually,
I planned a surprise
but I'm getting bad vibes,
I'll forget it,
Sorry to bother you, Bye,
Don't take it like that,
Explain, I'm a good driver
but you're no series model,
You must be a prototype,
I'm struggling on the specifications,
Lights come on, but why?
Not enough oil in the engine?
Low visibility due to no washer fluid?
Running on empty?
I get the picture, Done?
Yeah,
Gimme 10 to get ready,
- That works with Marseille girls, - Calm down!
Watch out!
There we go,
I hope you know what you're doing, I hate surprises,
This one, you'll never forget,
- You ok? - Sure,
What are you up to?
Ever swim with dolphins?
Shit!
- Ok? - What was that?
Help!
Warning Dangerous Species
Turns out the dolphins aren't here,
We need to go
just over there around the,,,
Count me out!
It's only water, come on!
You're gonna let a fish scare you off?
I don't mess with seals, Cool it!
Further investigation
reveals that 6, Olive Street belongs
to one Mrs, Hotassolli,
She's Italian,
maybe doesn't realize her name,,,
Moving on, Menard,
The villa was rented by Antoinio di Biase,
aka Toni Dog,
An Italian rally champ in the 2000s,
One day, he quit autosport and cozied up
to the Naples mafia,
The other guy you met was most likely Rocco di Biase,
Mullet like Steven Seagal?
More like Kanye,
know what I mean?
His credits include assault and armed robbery,
There you go,
Yes?
Morning, Did you draw the drawings? They rock,
I appreciate it, Actually, I used the photos
to trace the drawings, It improves the,,,
Good work, Menard,
We'll find clues at the party,
Any volunteers?
Who volunteers?
I saw you, Sandrine,
Ok, come and wait in a corner,
Michel, you,
so we're inconspicuous,
A midget, but not your partner?
You're not coming,
I have basketball practice,
Excuse me?
Basketball, With the parish club,
Can you?
I have loads of drawings to do,
My hand outline project for the washroom,
I'd also like to sketch Sandrine,
or capture as we artists say,
But I'll need extra paper,
Larbi, we'll need earpieces,
Let's go,
Gotcha!
That's today's prank!
You look like fools!
Great,
Can you hear me?
I'm right here and I'm not deaf,
- In your earpiece? - Ok, sure,
Good evening!
- Appetizer? - Not hungry, thanks,
Not even an oversizer?
- You? - I said I'd come,
- And the 'stache? - Donnie Brasco, Undercover,
We're infiltrating,
Yes, we're infiltrating all over,
Are you with me? Eyes off the prize,
I'm on it,
What's our mission?
Slip in, find clues,
slip out,
That's right,
Ok, 2 teams of 2,
You, me and Michel,
Where is he?
Ok, 2 teams of 1,
Doesn't work,
one-man teams, solo teams,
Are you scared?
Bullshit, I'm not scared,
The Italians are pretty big guys, though,
Is that what Uncle Daniel would say?
Hit a sore spot, right?
It's reality,
On my mother's life,
I'm gonna get clues outta there,
- Love the energy, - Me too!
That's good,
Do it!
Sandrine, do you read me?
In position, chief,
- I'm Michel, - Cynthia,
- Good to meet you, - Likewise,
You know Cartagena?
It's magnificent, Just like you,
On my mother's life!
What are you doing? Come on,
Go away,
Excuse me?
Go away, I said,
We're not here for fun, Let's go,
I said, go away!
We can keep this civil, too, without losing our shit,
I apologize,
Where were we?
Where?
In his office, On my mother's life, I've found clues,
I'll call you back,
You here, Maklouf?
Hiding in garbage to get in?
Me in garbage? No way,
The reason I'm here is a secret,
A secret? Lactose-free shisha maybe?
You have a nerve, It's gluten-free shisha,
Secondly, it's an ambitious plan I'm working on,
Wait!
Don't tell anyone I told you, ok?
I'm working undercover,
For the police,
It's insane,
I teamed up with a guy called Sylvain,
What's really funny
is that for a second I really thought you'd changed,
What you got?
- What now? - My girl's here,
With guys
who are like totally hot and buff,
Show me the clues fast!
Just like I told you,,,
That wouldn't happen to be the rock they plan to steal?
You nailed it,
Yeah,
Good job, It's their next target,
Next target, for sure!
People coming,
Here,,,
Watch me, Easy does it,
Ok,
No noise,
- Push! - I can't do it,
- Move your ass, - It's too high!
Go lower then,
Not there!
- Where? - Look!
I dunno,,,
Start the conversation,
Evening, gents,
Evening,
So, where we at?
We're good and ready,
Shit!
You've been very efficient
but this time it's Cassiopeia,
the world's biggest diamond,
There is no room for error,
Trust us, we've got it,,,
Diamond ETA?
It arrives around 11:00,
By helicopter from Geneva,
Leave the police escort to us,
Perfect,
About the payment,,,
Don't worry,
It will happen 24 hours after the op,
Ok, that's great,
It's always a real pleasure working with you,
Call us anytime you want,
Crazies!
What do we do with them?
Smoke 'em,
Very good,
Shit!
Yes?
- Stand up, - Evening, sir, How are you?
- What's your game? - Hide-and-seek,
With my friend, Sylvain!
Shit!
We lost,
You found us, Good job,
Shit,
Carlo,
Come down, Sylvain, we lost,
Maybe they're cool,
Ok, ok,
Boy racer!
Stop by, meet people, Here I am,
Me too,
Rocco,
Make this one talk,
Kill this one,
Maybe we could switch, Sir?
Have fun,
So,,,
Not so lippy now,
What were you after?
Don't bother, I won't talk,
It's 2 of us,
I'm not a cop, he is,
He wanted clues
about your next heist in Marseille,
Zip it!
I'm talking to him, not you,
And he found the clues about the diamond,
Your next target,
Please! It's annoying,
- Bravo, - You're welcome,
- Good job, - Thanks a lot,
Can I go now?
We've only just begun,
We've only just begun?
Was that it?
Meaning?
Michel!
Do you read me?
Upstairs hallway, 3rd door,
A goon wants to butcher us,
Get here!
Fine,,,
I'll be back,
For you,,,
I have all I need,
Thanks,
I appreciate it,
And for you,,,
You wanna play hard to get,
So I have a gift for you,
- Cool guy, - Listen up,,,
We go out the window,
Are you mad? We'll go splat!
Go splat? Are you stupid or shitting me?
Of course not,
I knew it, you're stupid,
We stay, we die,
On 3, we go out the window,
Are you with me?
- Ready? - Yes,
On 3!
Deep breaths,
1,,,
2,,,
3!
Mine's unbreakable,
I can't jump,
Mesmerizingly stupid!
Take my window,
You don't get it, Mine won't break,
I do get it,
Won't break!
Take mine if it won't break,
Jump,
He's coming!
- Here we are, - He smashed the,,,
- Shit! - Shit, he broke it!
I wanted to say, great party,
Seriously, ls the meat halal?
Pain in the ass!
Sure, you're annoyed,
He broke stuff and that's annoying,
You don't need to do that,
Who's that now?
Shout out to who?
Big up, Michel!
There you go,
Meet Cassiopeia,
world's biggest diamond,
It's the Italians' next target,
We gotta be ready,
Too much,
Bar's too high,
Call real cops,
The moles are cops,
Don't tell the bastards,
Look,
I came here with no idea
what to expect,
I saw you hating me, so I guess
I hated you too,
If I can change and you can change,
everybody
can
change!
Isn't that from Rocky IV?
Sure, keep it quiet,
Don't make eye contact,
Regis, lower your gun,
Good,
That's better,
It shows he's happy,
Calm down, Regis,
Ok, let's get on it,
- Good for you, - Yes, chief!
Squirrel approaching,
Secure the area, In position, people!
All good?
The crooked cops are here,
Yeah, be careful because,,,
As coworkers, we can't,,,
We can't do that, It's unprofessional,
For sure,
Your buddies are good?
Should be good,
You're on edge,
I am not on edge!
Do I look on edge? No,
Do you read me?
Affirmative, Tango Charlie, Over,
- I love you, - Of course,
Michel?
I'm in position,
Commissioner, good morning,
I personally supervised the operation,
Look, I brought in the slickest teams, It's perfect!
The jewel arrives from Geneva by helicopter,
which lands in the circle there,
Marked H,
It will go like cuckoo clockwork, only calmer!
Perfect,
Squirrel arriving Museum,
It's here,
Helicopter in sight,
And I'll jump her bones, Sorry,
That's not the plan,
What's that there,,,
That looks like a brone, It's a brone!
A brone?
Yes, I told you, a brone!
Always a glitch,
What's that drone?
Don't hang around, dipshit!
Yes, bad time, what's going on?
Morning, Mr, Mayor,
you have exactly one minute
to order your pilot to follow our drone,
What?
I chuckle,
If you think your pranks scare me,
you're deader wrong than wrong can be,
Is he stupid?
Sure, I guess,
Here goes kaboom!
Full of shit!
Mr, Mayor, it's no bullshit,
The device was stolen on a military base,
Let's show them it's no prank,
Carlo,
Over to you,
All units!
C'mon, relax,
What the hell!
Can we contact the chopper?
Sure,
Morning, Mr, Pilot,
Follow the drone or you're next,
Copy that,
No, dammit! What's going on?
The chopper's bailing,
What now?
Now, we improvise,
Not ok,
- Where's he going? - Stop him!
- Michel! - On it!
Here we go!
Baba, change of plan,
Clear the road,
We're chasing a chopper down the coast,
I've got it,
Cool, thanks,
Guys, change of plan,
Block access to the boulevard,
The taxi needs a clear road,
Hey! Take 5 here, please,
We're good,
What's up?
The chopper and taxi
are too fast for us,
The taxi?
He's mine,
They're dead meat,
Karim, move
or my head'll explode,
It's not me, it's him,
Too fast,
There you are!
Let's do this!
Beat it!
Lose the midget!
What are you doing?
I'll blow you away!
Got that, Knucklehead?
Hit the nose!
They're faster on open roads,
We'll see,
He's on our ass,
It's under control,
Shit, what's he doing?
You show these Froggies,
Where's the dwarf? Keep an eye out!
- Wipe off! - Get rid of him!
Playmobile officer down!
Boy racer, now you can't escape,
They're more powerful,
- I know, - So accelerate!
Faster!
Quiet, I'm concentrating,
What the hell are you doing?
Shut it!
What speed are you at?
Don't look,
If you mess up, we die,
It makes him laugh!
I saw you there, don't worry,
- Pass him up, - Shoot!
You're no cop!
No cop ever drove like this!
Shit!
Truck ahead,
- No way! - Way!
Are you out of your mind? We nearly got crushed!
Then we didn't,
Menard, you stopped our friends?
We're improvising now,
Impact in 10 seconds,
What the heck's that?
It's big,
Now!
I love you!
What the hell!
What's that?
It's like hitting a wild boar,
Hey, hands off her!
Don't desire my girlfriend!
What?
I'll protect her, Don't caress her pistil,
Scram and shut your trap!
I'm fucked!
Holy shit!
Go for it!
Switchbacks make me puke,
Now I have gas again,
- Not your gas again! - Don't blame me,
They're gonna shoot,
- They're shooting! - I know,
With real bullets!
Call Regis,
What? If you want,
Regis!
Not like that, Regis at the police station,
Who looks like a sadist,
That's him,
Regis, you there?
You're on screen, chief,
You see the chopper?
Headed for a yacht 3 km away,
Their escape's by sea,
Great, we can go, Thanks, Regis,
No, no,
Move!
They'll shoot us down!
Chief?
Right here,
They'll shoot down the chopper, They'll shoot it down!
Toss the case out!
Calling your sister,
Don't hang up, Me and your brother
are in deep shit,
An 800 hp Aventador
on my ass,
I gotta lose him, How?
Listen up, Right of the handbrake,
there's the turbo booster,
One shot, Be careful,
That's not what I think?
Hold on tight,
- No! - 1, 2,,,
3!
Come on!
Sorry to burst in unannounced,
We'll take what we came for and go,
- The car's a wreck! - Not now,
It's wrecked, Wrecked!
Cuff them,
Not the girls!
- How come? - Them!
Alright!
Handies in da bacci!
It's an easy fix,
It's a wreck!
It's not a wreck, The front end took a bash,
A good body mechanic will fix that, no problem,
Pisses me off!
Who is this?
Bad line, Mr, Mayor,
Martin? How's things?
We found the diamond,
We did it,
Excellent, I can't talk now,
Can you hear me?
I've lost you,
Eddy,
Be right back,
Bravo, mission over,
No, it's over
when we catch the Lamborghini guys,
Don't worry about that,
They're waiting for us,
Don't move,
- Still thinking it over? - Sit tight!
Hey, Eyeties!
That's for Zidane!
Remember 2006?
It's our revenge,
You can swim, right?
In a pool, not the sea!
What just touched me?
Shark fin!
Stop!
Hands on the wheel, Freeze!
Just a minute,
You drive good, too,
Lt, Sylvain Marot,
With the powers invested
in me, in accordance with articles 71, 72
and 74 of the law on speeding violations,
effective immediately, I must personally seize the vehicle,
I love it,
We'll meet again,
Not running your mouth off so much now, you big blowhard!
Jerkwad!
- You got hit, - I was there, I saw it,
- In the kisser, - Sure,
Who tells Hamid about his taxi?
I gotta tell my sister,
Leave your sister to me,
I demolished the car,
I need to own up to it by telling her, ok?
Leave your sister to me,
Secure the area,
Ok, I'll keep it secure,
I have good and bad news,
Good news, I'm fine,
Bad news,,,
Relax, it's all over cable news,
Talk us through the Italians' arrest,
I was just doing my duty as a cop,
Exactly like Donnie Brasco or Jason Bourne,
I wasn't alone, Let me take this opportunity
to give a big shout-out to my friend, Sylvain Marot,
Together, we make a great team,
Thank you very much, that's enough,
We beat Bad Boys,
You can be proud of,,,
I'm Martin Lawrence, you're Will Smith,
Thanks for your trust in me,
An excellent duo of crime-fighters,,,
And Samia,,,
Your bro's on TV,
Proud of you, Samia,
I'm here thanks to you, too,
That's the thank-yous done,
And the love of my life, Sandy,,,
Shut the fuck up!
I love you,
- Your Eddy bear will always surprise you, - Beat it!
I want to marry you,
Let go of my mic,
You hear me? I love you!
That was live from,,,
The love of my life!
My Eddy bear!
Sylvain, you're best man!
Beat it!
The taxi's dead,
The taxi is history,
I can't work like this, dammit!
Islam now, In the east of the,,,
You have to go,
Get him out of my line of sight,
I'm sorry about your uncle's taxi,
Its time had come, You gave it a great send-off,
Come on, surprise time,
So, the Parisian,
happy to head back north?
I'd be happy to stay
but nothing's holding me back,
It's not like I met an amazing woman
who loves the things I love,
Who proves that the best things, you gotta earn them,
See, that is so wrong,
Sorry, you really thought that would fly?
So wrong,
I was holding myself back,
Even your voice changed,
'Cause it's from the heart, it's sincere,
You're not a bit romantic,
Sure, but the way you put it out there, it's too easy,
- Too easy? - Yes,
The shitstorm just for a kiss!
I can't imagine the ordeal to get you in bed,
You gotta earn it,
- You want to kiss me? - For sure,
Fine, down there,
That's insane, All that way?
Come on, it's only water,
When the going gets tough,,,
Maybe we could jump together,
- No, you first is better, - Sure?
Yeah,
Landed smack on your ass!
I blew out a butt cheek,
All my weight on one butt cheek!
- Come on, - It looks a bit chilly now,
I don't think so,
No way! Come back!
Music!
Mr, Mayor!
Your sash, Sorry,
My fellow citizens,
I am proud of our Community Police,
The Coco!
They unmasked corrupt cops!
Bichon, medals!
Music!
Congratulations,
Bravo!
From Mr, Mayor,
Marseille thanks you,
A big thank-you from the city,
With the Mayor's thanks,
Love ya!
Love ya, dammit!
I love you,
I'm proud of you, buddy,
Your girl looks happy,
Great, Look what I got for her,
Eddy, you stole it,
- Bullshit, - From the Italians,
And what if I did? They stole it first,
I stole a stolen ring, Equals out,
Hey, you guys having a gay old wedding?
Where you headed?
Pickup from the airport in 25 minutes,
25 minutes, easy,
If I can jump in, that's impossible,
I've got stuff to do,
The buffet at city hall,
Homemade pound cake,
Come along!