-[alarm blaring] -[prisoners clamoring]
-[siren wailing] -[guard] Break it up!
[dramatic music]
[all clamoring]
-Come on! -Go, go, go!
Come on, Donny,
-[whistling] -Break it up!
What are you guys doing?
[all clamoring]
[squishing]
[all groaning]
[Pablo] Oh, man, you crushed Donald Trump,
Come on, Milo, let's do it again,
Fatass here killed my roach, eh?
Fatass? Who you calling fatass?
Besides, there is no gambling,
Who's gambling?
Look, I'll double the bet,
All I know is that my cockroach Joe Biden won,
and all those cigarettes belong to me, huh?
Oh, how you gonna sleep at night
knowing that you won by cheating?
I'll sleep just fine, ese,
Well, at least let me use, uh,
Hillary, my secret weapon,
Hillary can't run,
Why? 'Cause she's a woman?
No, because she's a cricket,
-[cricket chirping] -[guard] That's enough,
Besides, you're getting out today,
Really? Hey, I almost forgot,
Fellas, if I may have your attention,
let me just say that, uh, I will be out today,
And while I'm out there, I'll be thinking of you,
Not only that, but I'm willing to
run a few errands for you fellas,
Perhaps I can drop by and, uh, do a conjugal visit or two
with the girlfriends, the wives,
I'll only stink the tip in, not the whole chorizo,
Just, uh, I don't wanna spoil them, all right?
So, you let me know, give me an address, and I'll be right there,
I say you don't go visit my old lady, ese,
Oh, all right,
I won't drop by and say hello to him,
-[inmates laughing] -[inmate 1] Oh, snap!
[inmate 2] Oh, shit,
Excellent performance there, Pablo,
Yeah, I was in rare form, wasn't I, Father?
Sad form, I'm afraid,
How many times have you been here?
Oh, I don't know, Who's counting?
[scoffs] Well, the court does, for one,
Yeah, well, I guess I am institutionalized,
I'm a lot like you, Father, We just joined different gangs,
-The church is not a gang, -Well, I don't know, Father,
There's a lot of similarities, The Twelve Apostles,
that sounds like a great name for a gang,
Uh, you know, they're the OGs,
And, uh, come on, you guys have, uh, uniforms,
you have a meeting house, you have a shot caller,
I'm serious, Pablo,
A zebra can't change its stripes,
You're not a zebra,
More like a burro,
Look, I've been around the block a few times,
and one thing that I've learned is that the truth
is not all that important,
In other words, fake it until you make it,
You never made it, pendejo,
Look at you, Look what you've become,
You're hopeless, Pablo, You're hopeless,
Don't lose hope on me, Father, I'll be back soon,
-[lighthearted music] -[both laughing]
All right, wake up, Girl Scouts,
It's inmate 4962, ready to blow this birdcage,
-Uh, let's have my clothes, please, pronto, Remember,,, -There's no clothes,
,,,I want it lightly pressed, and no wrinkles,
And, uh, hurry, I'm late,
-There's no clothes, -I said I'm late,
I got a date with your sister, Would you hurry?
I saw you come in with no clothes,
-You see-- Have you seen any clothes? -No, I--
Never saw one-- I didn't see any clothes,
No, no, no, don't get funny, If you want me to,
I'll go out like this,
Uh-uh, no can do,
Those belong to the state,
You can't leave the premises with those,
Oh, yeah? Well, what am I supposed to do?
Go out there butt naked?
Hang tight,
-Here we go, -[laughs]
-Stand by, -Give him the priest's clothes,
-Priest's clothes, -Are you serious?
I can't wear priest's clothes out there,
It'd be sacrilegious, but--
Come on, Pablo!
I just heard you say you're just like Father Tom,
These clothes are better than the thongs
and black fishnet stockings that you wear at home,
[guard 1] Get the hell out of here!
[guard 2] I don't know how he knows,
I didn't tell him,
["Sinner, Not a Saint" by Little Willie G,]
[police siren wailing]
♪ Hey, little girl I tell you true ♪
♪ I'm as mean as a cobra through and through ♪
♪ Don't care to be called what I ain't ♪
♪ I confess I'm a sinner not a saint ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey hey, little girl ♪
♪ Don't you mess around with me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm just a sinner not a saint,,, ♪
Uh, you play pretty good,
Are you blind from birth or uh, or uh, self-abuse?
I'm blind, I'm not deaf, asshole,
The Lord's gonna heal you, son,
♪ If you fall into my web you're gonna cry ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey hey, little girl ♪
♪ Don't you mess around with me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm just a sinner not a saint ♪
♪ Oh, yes, I'm a sinner ♪
♪ In my book, that's a winner ♪
♪ I live by my,,, ♪
Damn, Güero, I can never depend on you,
Hey, where's my money?
You can see, It's a miracle!
And I can see you ain't no preacher either,
-Where's my money, asshole? -Yeah, yeah, your money,
Uh, I gave it to him,
He, he's got it,
-What money? -I'm good,
♪ Don't care to be called what I ain't ♪
♪ I confess I'm a sinner not a saint ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey hey, little girl ♪
♪ Don't you mess around with me,,, ♪
-And then there's these guys, I just,,, [continues inaudibly] -Mom,
-And then they call me mamacita, -Mom,
-Mom! -And I'm just like--
Sofia, what do you want?
Don't you see I'm on the phone with your tía?
Drink your Slurpee,
[speaks in Spanish]
♪ Hey, hey, hey hey, little girl ♪
♪ Don't you mess around with me,,, ♪
[laughing]
Really, here,
[laughing]
♪ For me there's nothing better I follow to the letter ♪
♪ That's do unto others for they do it to you ♪
♪ If you come a-knocking at my door ♪
♪ Don't say that you didn't know the score,,, ♪
-[drink thuds] -[gasps] Oh, my God!
-[screams] -Here, Communion, boy,
Yeah, you're gonna be all right, He's a--
You're a lucky man, God bless you,
Why didn't you do something?
[speaks in Spanish] That's the man of God,
♪ Just like a spider lures a fly ♪
♪ If you fall into my web you're gonna cry ♪
-[indistinct announcement on speaker] -♪ Hey, hey, hey, little girl ♪
♪ Don't you mess around with me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm just a sinner not a saint,,, ♪
Good God,
What are you doing in an alley like this, my child?
-Headed to work, -Work, huh? Well, uh,
-what, uh, sort of work are you into? -What do you want me to be into?
♪ If you come a-knocking at my door ♪
♪ Don't say that you didn't know the score ♪
♪ Don't care to be called what I ain't,,, ♪
[dog snarls, barking]
♪ Hey, hey, hey hey, little girl ♪
♪ Don't you mess around with me,,, ♪
-Oh, padre,Father, Father, -[mumbling]
No, no, I need to confess,
-I can't, I don't have time, -Where do I confess to?
Look, give me 20 bucks and I'll absolve you,
-T-- twenty? -Yeah,
Órale,It went up?
-Yeah, yeah, -Okay, check it out,
Look, you know, that bitch deserved to die,
-I don't wanna know, -Okay,
Lord, forgive this man for, for whatever he did,
Hey, remember, you can't tell nobody, right?
-You can't tell nobody, right? -Ah, not a word,
Órale!I'm saved!
For 20 bucks, you can come get saved, eh?
Hell yeah, Grandma, I'm coming,
I'll be there in a minute,
before I kill this other bitch,
-[woman] Please forgive me, -[Pablo] Oh, you're forgiven,
Let's have the $20,
The Lord knows what you did, Lay off the Aqua Net,
Put it on your hair, No, no-- Don't sniff it,
-Yes, sir? -Padre,I smoke scante,
We all do, ese, [speaks in Spanish]
-I've been bad, -Oh, yes, you have,
Yeah, start being good now,
-Next? -I'm not a Catholic,
I'm just following that girl,
I don't blame you, Get over there, Keep the $20,
-You're gonna need it, [chuckles] -I killed a man,
♪ I'm just a sinner not a saint ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey hey, little girl ♪
♪ Don't you mess around with me ♪
♪ Cause I'm just a sinner not a saint ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey hey, little girl ♪
♪ Don't you mess around with me ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm just a sinner not a saint ♪
-What do you-- Whoa! -Mr, Valenzuela?
Look, I gave to the homeless already, man,
I'm Officer Ramirez, I'm your parole officer,
How do I know, uh, you are who you say you are?
Let's see some ID,
[whimsical music]
Good enough?
Wow, you even look sloppy on your ID,
What do we got here?
-Where? -Right here,
Mm,
[Pablo] Hey, Hey, that's my sandwich,
Don't take my fucking sandwich,
Forget about your fucking sandwich, all right?
Are you undercover?
No, Why do you ask?
You dress like that all the time?
Yeah, What's wrong?
-Really? -Who are you?
The fucking fashion police?
No, no, I guess standards are down all over, All right,
Enough about me, Why are you not out there looking for a job, sir?
Hey, it's tough out there, man,
You wanna go back to prison, sir?
You think you could do that for me?
-It might be the best, -Shh, shh, shh,
What have you got here?
Oh, that, that's marijuana, It's legal now,
I'm not against this,
I have glaucoma,
I taught a course on this,
Yeah? You did-- They teach that?
-Mm-hm, I taught it, -Really?
Yeah, I had 420 students,
Wow,
-Mm, -Okay, puff-puff-pass,
[croaking]
[groaning]
I think I see Jesus,
-This shit's good, -Yeah, I know,
Let me, let me have a puff,
Here, uh, uh, let's smoke together,
-Yeah, can I smoke with you? -No! You're on parole, stupid,
You're stupid or what?
What?
-[coughing] -Oh, man,
That's wrong,
-That's a pizza? -[Pablo] Yeah, Yeah,
I'm so hungry,
Thank you, He'll pay you,
You don't take my pizza, my joint and my sandwich,
you fat fuck!
Nothing wrong with my hearing,
I want you to report to Mama Love's house now
or I'mma put your ass back in prison,
Shit,
Oh, I got a tip for you,
[upbeat music]
[horn honking]
[brakes screeching]
-[laughing] -Pablito!
[Pablo] The usual suspects,
-Hey, -When did you get out, man?
-Hey, look at that, You wanna, you wanna ride? -Oh,
Hey, bro, you go to Target, you gotta return 'em, bro,
[laughs] I ain't got time for that,
Hey, has anybody here seen Güero?
Güero's inside,
Hey, be careful with Mama Love,
-Just don't let her get on top, -[chuckles]
Prison love, bro,
[snoring]
Look at you, you sloth, working hard,
Oh, shit, I didn't know they let old putos like you in here,
Apparently, they do, You're here,
Ah, come on, bro, Let's,,, [laughs]
[speaks in Spanish]
Well, well, well,
-[Pablo and Güero chuckle] -Is it who I think it is?
-Oh, my God, Pablo Valenzuela, -[chuckles]
Look at you,
-You don't change, do you? -No,
No, I'm not talking about physically,
I'm talking about mentally,
You just never change,
[laughing]
Oh, you got your side show with you,
-Yeah, -Guanale Lupe,
No, that's not my name, My name is Güero, Mother Love,
[speaks in Spanish]
-Man, forget all that, -Stupid bitch,
-Excuse me? -I said you look 36,
Oh, okay, Yeah, well, I'm out anyway,
Come on here and give me some love, [grunts]
-Let me catch you, boy, before I catch you, -[Pablo laughs]
[Güero] I always wanted a threesome,
[Mother Love over PA] Attention, all new degenerates,
Get your no-good lazy asses up
and into the living room in five minutes
for orientation,
Hello, I'm Pablo Valenzuela, I might be a little late,
There, there I am, right there,
-Thank you, -[chuckles]
Yeah, we'll be out of here in no time,
[whispering] How long you been here?
About ten years,
-Ten years? -Yeah,
I'm telling you, this guy's got this woody,
Right? I mean, real woody,
I mean, it's like, huge, You know--
Hey, hey, listen up in here!
Y'all must not know who I am,
It's your girl,
Yeah, Mama Love,
Some of y'all know me, some of you don't,
I'm gonna be your mama up in here, You hear me?
This is my house, and I got rules, huh?
Some of y'all think I don't see you, but, huh,
when I take these glasses off, I see you,
I see you too,
Hold this for me, baby,
I am the boss, the boss lady, You hear me?
Any rule that I make, it goes,
Rule number one,
no profanity in this house,
-unless it's me, huh? -[mouths] Fuck you,
And I don't wanna see you drinking,
you better not be smoking,
no vaping, no nothing,
Hold on, That's, like, four rules in one rule,
It's my rules,
I don't have no problems kicking you out, You hear me?
What I say, go,
Shut up and pay attention, will you?
Will you stop now? You gonna be kicked out of here,
Can I punch my clown?
Hey, shut up, man,
Well, you've been doing it,
-What are you slapping for now? -[snickers]
And you're not gonna disrespect me, You hear me?
Man, I'm just saying, you think just because
you paid your debt to society, you're good?
No, you're not good,
You're good when you get out of my house,
I'm Mama Love,
Mama Love for a reason,
Cause I would love to kick your ass,
-Oh, excuse me, Lord, -No, no, no,
No cussing, huh? You said,
-Mm-mm, -[Mama Love] You're welcome to be here,
but you gotta follow the rules,
After breakfast, I expect each one of you to get up
and go look for a job,
I've got companies that are willing
and ready to hire you,
But you gotta get up and go,
Pass out these flyers for me, baby,
These companies are working,
willing to work with you,
Each one of you,
Make sure you give him two,
You ain't getting no lunch,
-Mm-hm, Yeah, -[muted]
-[birds chirping] -[gentle lullaby]
[all snoring]
[snoring]
-[alarm beeping] -Mm,
[farts, grunts]
[groans]
[grunts] Hey, good morning, Reverend Willy Dollars,
You know what? [chuckles]
My dollars is on the way,
Send them blessings my way,
Amen, [chuckles]
Ooh, [chuckles]
[all snoring]
[laughs]
Ooh,
In the mighty name of Jesus,
[siren blaring]
-Jesus! -[screaming]
-[siren continues blaring] -[shouting]
[laughing]
[Mama Love over PA] Good morning, residents,
You know what time it is,
It's time to get up,
get out and get a job,
That's right, [sing-songy] Get up, uh,
Get on up, uh, Get up,
[normal] Let's do it,
[all groaning]
-[Pablo] Hey, where's Güero? -[man 1] He's in the room, doing your old lady,
-[man 2] Yeah, he's pounding your woman like a door, man, -[Pablo] What?
Well, well, what's going on here?
Fifty Shades of Stupid?
Really, Lucy?
You couldn't wait three months?
Three months, bebé?
I wouldn't wait three days,
But don't worry, bebé,
Let me finish with Güero and I'll be yours,
Or better yet, join us,
Yeah, Pablo, come on,
Get in here, bro, It's nice,
All right, all right, all right, We're, we're cool,
Uh, I'm not jealous,
I can do better,
No, I can't,
[comical music]
Pablo, Pablo, wait,
[Pablo] I can't believe you porked my old lady,
[Güero] Speaking of pork, let's get some tacos,
[Pablo] Okay,
[Martin] All are welcome here,
We have the rib of Adam and the rack of Eve,
♪ We want our baby back baby back, baby back ribs ♪
Don't listen to them!
[Arthur] Tender ribs from the Lord!
That's right, we've got the biggest racks you've ever seen,
All kosher meat,
Get behind me, Satan!
[speaks in Spanish]
-You're in purple! You're dinosaurs! -Gimme your tacos!
-Are you even legal? -[screaming]
[Güero] You're gonna love this, Pablo, Look at this,
It's like hometown buffet, but free,
[Pablo] Oh, the memory of it has changed,
Wasn't that place some kind of porn, uh,
planned parenthood thing?
[Güero] Yeah, it was, Got shut down
by the health department,
They ran out of mops and--
But they made it a church 'cause they figured
everybody was already kneeling,
Now the Lutherans have it,
[Pablo] Lutherans? What are Lutherans?
[Güero] It's the largest splinter group
from the Protestant Reformation program,
They follow the teachings of the 16th century monk,
uh, Martin, Martin Luther,
Martin Luther Vandross,
-Oh, I mean, they believe in Christ, right? -[Güero] Oh, absolutely,
Yeah, but it's a kinder, gentler Christ,
He's not nailed to the cross, He's up there with Velcro,
Yeah, come on, Let's eat, Come on,
[Pablo] Oh, you know a lot,
-Yeah, they believe in tacos, -What?
Yeah, they got to make the quota,
And competition's fierce,
Tacos are the devil,
That's why they resemble the private part of the female,
Don't listen to them, We have tacos,
Brave Lord, with the wood of the cross!
Yes, indeed! Yes, we do!
Well, I just got out of jail, so, you know,
I really want a taco now,
[sizzling]
[man] Tacos?
[speaks in Spanish]
Did I tell you or what?
Yeah, yeah, thanks a lot, You're a big spender,
Hey, anything for you, You're my friend,
Plus, you just got out of prison,
How long were you in this time?
You know, part of my life sentence
-is on the installment plan, -Huh,
Hey, who are those guys over there?
Jehovah's Witnesses,
All they give you is a hot pocket,
-but they do home delivery, -Mm-hm,
Who's that Asian guy dressed like a carrot?
[Güero] Fuck him, That guy's a jerk,
He's a vegan, He shaved my head
and dropped me off at the airport,
[Pablo] Mm-hm,
[speaks in Spanish]
-Oh, some Mexican guy, -Mm-hm,
I don't know, Güero, you know, I've been thinking about it,
Uh, we've got to find,,, [sighs] some other scam, man,
I can't continue to be going back to prison, I'm too old for that,
What's the matter with you? You getting soft?
We go in prison, we get out of prison,
That's how we live our life, bro,
Not no more, I don't mind the going in,
It's the getting out that's a lot tougher,
with these new three-strike laws,
Nah, it's all the same, Don't worry about it, man,
-We're good, -We're good?
-We're good, -So, so your whole philosophy
is wrapped around-- What are we gonna do the rest of our life?
Come here and eat free tacos?
Tacos! Tacos are the devil!
[Pablo] Sometimes I think you're just pulling my leg,
I know you're smarter than that,
We should think about tomorrow,
Tomorrow, I'mma come back and get more tacos,
You're hopeless, But the tacos are good,
[vendors] Tacos! Tacos! Tacos!
Ooh, that one's got a hair on it,
-Come on, sucker, -[laughs]
[rooster crowing]
[snoring]
[alarm beeping]
Oh, damn, I gotta get up and find a job,
[groans, speaks in Spanish]
[organ music]
Father Perez was such an incredibly generous man,
He collected hundreds of thousands of dollars through his television show
to give to so many charities and to do the work of the Lord,
And he was such an animal lover,
Mm,
Yes, Father Perez has passed,
But soon, there will be another merciful soul
that will come to take care of us all
and lead us to our path to the Lord,
[all] Amen,
♪ You gotta work ♪
♪ Then get that money get that money ♪
♪ You gotta work ♪
♪ Then get that money get that money ♪
♪ Work, work ♪
♪ Get that money get that money ♪
♪ Work, work ♪
♪ Get that money ♪
[organ music]
Excuse me, Are you here for the job?
Oh, yeah, Yeah,
Which one?
Uh,,, Hm?
The priest or the janitor?
Oh, what pays more?
I don't really know,
Oh, it's okay, I, I can do both,
What order do you belong to?
Order?
Uh, restraining,
Uh, do you do confessions?
Oh, I'm no snitch, but I have, one time,
Do you have documents?
[stuttering] Documents? Uh,,,
Paper, You got papers?
Hey, I was born here,
-Great, -Yeah,
Welcome to our church of pain and suffering,
-Oh, -Mostly suffering,
Oh, I know about that,
I suffer from hemorrhoids, That's suffering,
I have the squishy kind,
but I'll tell you about that later,
Yeah, Follow us,
Okay, follow us,
-Sure, -This way,
[whimsical music]
This is Father Perez's office,
Spent a lot of time in here,
These are your clothes here,
-Oh, -I got your laptop,
-Where's the laptop? -Right here,
[Pablo] Oh,
Everything you need to know
about Father Perez is in that laptop,
Okay, Uh, you wouldn't have the password, would you?
The password is pain, ampersand,
suffering, capital S,
Oh, I should have guessed, [laughs]
We're so happy to have you,
Yeah, Mr,, uh-- Your name again?
-Pablo, -PadrePablo,
-Yes, -Father Pablo, welcome,
We'll give you time to get acquainted
with the office and get comfortable,
-Okay, -And if you need anything, just call us,
Oh, I will, I will, yes,
And Jack here will keep you company,
Jack, huh?
Oh,
[donkey braying]
[birds chirping]
[organ music]
That concludes our reading
of all the begats in Genesis,
Simply my favorite,
Just wonderful to hear about all those people
having fun in the Old Testament,
[laughs]
Ah, it's usually so violent,
Let's take a look at our board,
-[bell dings] -[heavenly music]
Oh, thank you, Brother Chuy,
for your $2000 donation,
It will be returned to you,,,
,,,in blessings,
Look at that, $2000 in less than,
what, half a second?
The Lord knows your needs, Chuy,
As do many others,
But He will provide for them,
-[bell dings] -Oh, look!
Another donation,
[laughs]
Even bigger,
Blessings,
Holy shit, this is a cash cow,
My brothers and sisters,
the Lord appreciates all your contributions,
Please call the number on your screen
and the Lord will bless you,
I said, the number on your screen,
Brother Juan?
[laughs]
You piece of shit,
put the goddamn number on the goddamn screen!
[both laughing]
Ah,
Thank you, Brother Juan,
Bless you,
He's got a temper, huh? [laughs]
My fellow sinners,
remember to call this number and make your contributions
to help us spread the word of God
and his loving, patient mercy,
Until next week, at the same blessed time,
[organ music playing]
[gentle chime]
Cut,
[speaks in Spanish]
I'd hate to be Juan,
[laughs]
[speaks in Spanish]
-Priest got crazy, -Ooh,
I can't believe there's that kind of money in this thing,
[Perez] Where's my wine?
Oh, my chest,
[groaning]
[body thuds]
[flat tone]
Oh, man,
♪ 'Cause I'm wrapped up tied up ♪
♪ Tangled up in Jesus ♪
♪ And I don't wanna get loose,,, ♪
Hey, show time, You ready?
Of course I'm ready, Just watch and learn,
Uh, listen, put 20 bucks on Holy Moly
at San Anita on the fourth,
[tense music]
[Chato] Listen, you son of a bitch,
If I don't have that money by four o'clock,
I'm gonna cut your balls off, cram 'em down your throat,
Do you understand? You're gonna pay--
What kind of filthy talk is that in front of our daughter?
I'm, I'm sorry, honey,
I was just taking care of a little business,
Father Perez's show is about to start,
I'll deal with you later,
Okay, Thank you,
[whimpers]
[cheerful theme music]
How are you? How you doing?
Uh, uh, those of you who have tuned in
expecting to see Father Perez,
I'm sad to, uh, let you know
that Father Perez is, uh, no longer with us,
And, uh, he was a good man, so I think it's only proper
that we should have a moment of silence for him,
Okay?
All right, that's enough,
Anyways, remember that no gift is too small or too big,
We need to continue to give,
and give very, uh, uh, generously to this work,
The work of the Lord is very, very expensive,
You know, these nuns aren't cheap,[laughs]
Hey, Brother Juan, hold the camera steady, damn it,
And, and Güero, put the number
-on the screen there, -What?
-Right, uh, uh-- -What'd you say?
-The number on the screen, -Oh, sorry,
Put it on there so people will know where to send the money, Sorry, folks,
Now,,, [clears throat] to continue the Lord's work--
Not your number, stupid!
Oh, what do you want? To send the money to your cash?
You trying to cut me out?
That 1800 number,
Anyways, what we're saying here
is that you need to give a little extra
to, to, to have, uh, better employees here,
-And, uh,,, -[mouths]
I'm surprised you didn't say, "Hi, Mom,"
I mean, can you be a bit more professional?
Hi, Mom!
He doesn't have one,
Let the Lord shine His light on you
and not the one from the cops,
-You know-- -Go, Raiders!
All right, you Raider fans? Give, then, all right?
We got a, we got a Raider clown here,
-And now the bilingual show, [speaks in Spanish] -Chicharrón,
[speaks in Spanish]
That was a little public service announcement in Spanish
for you bilingual people, okay?
Man, we got bills, We got this, uh,
this, this studio here, [clears throat]
I have to borrow some money for my tíaCuca,
-so, uh, remember,,, -[laughs]
,,,when you give to us,
you're giving to yourselves,
-I don't want to watch this, -[TV turns off]
This is, uh, Preacher Pablo, telling you that, uh,
the Lord knows where you live, so give until it hurts,
Hasta la vista,
Oh, I put the wrong number up,
-Start, Do it again, -Some other,
some other charity is going to get the money
just because you couldn't get it right,
I'll get it right, Relax,
-[crickets chirping] -[Pablo] Damn, man,
it seemed so easy, Güero,
We've fucked it up big time,
-Yeah, it's over, -Let's do it again,
What will we do different this time?
Well, for starters, don't sing and dance,
-You look like an idiot, -Me? You're the one
that pulled your pants and showed your ass
-to everybody, -I'm trying to get laid, vato,
[distant police siren]
Hi, folks, I am Peter Jay Piper,
your Pillow King,
Sleep is so important,
-We spend one third,,, -[actor groaning]
,,,of our life sleeping,
so having the proper,,,
What kind of filth are y'all watching?
Porn,
Do you know what time it is?
-Time to eat, [laughs] -Ha!
It's time for Pastor Willy Dollars,
Whoo, The Lord is my Shepherd,
I know which channel I wanna watch,
Ooh, Lord,
♪ Make your way to Jesus ♪
♪ I'll see you on the way,,, ♪
Whoo!
♪ You know He's here to stay ♪
♪ When you give to Willy Dollars ♪
♪ You're giving to the Lord ♪
♪ When you give to Willy Dollars ♪
♪ You know He'll give you more,,, ♪
Ooh, that man is so fine,
He run chills up and down my spine,
He dressed to the nine, y'all,
When I say he clean, he clean like a washing machine,
Mother Love, if we gotta watch some kind of religious program,
can we watch at least Touched By an Angel, or something like that?
I'm watching this girl get touched by her uncle,
Now, he is blessed,
Whoo! Amen!
-Amen, -[woman moaning on laptop]
Yeah, that ain't holy water,
I'm glad it turns you on, but--
Oh, there it is!
-Oh! -[exclaims]
-That's gonna burn our eyes, -[singing continues]
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah,
-All right! Give me-- Knock that shit off, -[singing stops]
Hello there, brothers and sisters,
Now, I know y'all are here to see me, Willy Dollars,
-[cheering on TV] -And I wanna let y'all know that God is glad to see you,
'cause He got great things for you,
I'm talking about great,,,
-[crowd cheering] -,,,wonderful,
Hey, look at that,
You can smell the chocolate milk, [grunts]
-[applause] -Before we begin church,
I traditionally like to pay homage to the Lord
by singing a hymn,,,
,,,for Him,
[Willy] ♪ God is good ♪
[all] ♪ God is good ♪
♪ I say, God is good ♪
[all] ♪ God is good ♪
♪ Mm-hm ♪
[all] ♪ Mm-hm ♪
♪ Surely ♪
[all] ♪ Surely ♪
-♪ All the time ♪ -♪ All the time ♪
♪ I say, I say, I say I say, I say, I say ♪
[all] ♪ I say, I say, I say I say, I say, I say ♪
-Whoo! -Whoo!
-Shit! -Shit!
-[applause] -[Willy] Right,
Before we get down to it,
I wanna let everybody in here know
-that God is handing out blessings, -[congregation agrees]
-God gives, -[woman] Mm-hm,
-I say again, God gives, -[congregation agrees]
The question is, do you?
Now, you will notice a lot of my parishioners right now
walking around with the collection plates,
You will also notice that they have chip readers, AAA,
credit card machines,
That's 'cause, as of right now,
not just God and the church, but Willy Dollars hisself,
is accepting not just cash,
-Diner's Club, Discovery, American Express,,, -[whooping]
,,,Mastercard, Visa,
Apple Pay, Cash App, Zelle,
and sex!
-[choir whooping] -From men and women,
As we get ready to roll here,
before we really get deep in this thing,
I gotta take care of a little bit of business,
[man] Yeah, take care of that business, man,
Look at him, Look how fine he is,
Ooh, Lord have mercy,
Now, this time last year,
y'all put Willy Dollars in a Cessna,
Now, I thank you,
I thank you and I thank you,
But quite frankly, you can't have Willy Dollars
rolling around here on propellers,
The Lord say, "Willy, you need a little jet,"
[Willy laughs]
I said, "Oh, Lord, as you show,"
And that's when God got a little upset with Willy Dollars,
He said, "Nigga,
don't you ever question God!"
-Güero,,, -[Willy] Question God,
,,,does that preacher look familiar to you?
-The Black guy? No, -[Willy] The thing here
about this little jet, it's got to have speed,
-I'm talking about speed, speed, speed, -Holy shit, That's Smokey, man,
'Cause I got to get to these sinners quick,
'Cause these motherfuckers-- Can I get a amen?
[all] Amen!
Smokey! I did time with him in San Quentin,
That fool owes me $300,
I saved his ass from MS-13, was gonna kick his ass,
[Güero] That can't be Smokey, Smokey can't even talk
-or dress himself, -[Pablo] That's Smokey!
I don't know who that is,
but I'll tell you this much,
I heard that same sermon from another dude,
That's stealing, and that's wrong,
,,,God, what you saying, God?
God say, "Mamase Mamasa Mamacusa,"
-[choir whooping] -Are you sure that's Smokey?
Yeah, I'm sure, Does a pope shit in the woods?
-Bear, You mean bear, -Pope, bear, same difference,
We're gonna, we're gonna see him tomorrow,
-Are you down? -Oh, yeah, I'm, I'm down, Yeah,
Send me $10,000,
your date of birth and your Social Security number
or you gonna be deader than a motherfucker,
Yeah, that's a man,
Oh, good Lord, I done worked myself up into a frenzy,
I feel like taking a tomato juice bath
with two butt-naked bitches, some chitlins and some pussy,
-[applause on TV] -Whoo! Amen!
Amen,
[cheers and applause]
[organ music playing]
-[Mama Love] Look, don't be disrespectful, -[Güero laughs]
Do not ever disrespect Pastor Willy Dollars
in this house right here,
-Pasta? -You hear that?
Pastor,
[organ music]
Praise God, our new father,
[Pablo] Yes, sisters, but right now,
I'm looking for Father Willy Dollars,
Willy Dollars?
He's about, uh, 5'11",
uh, 215 pounds, dark complected,
He's a big, fat Black guy,
Aren't you a little old to be an altar boy?
Oh, uh, he's, uh, uh, mentally challenged,
I told you so,
Yeah, I'm, I'm retarded,
Uh, very honest too,
So, no Father Willy?
No, No, we do not know where Willy is, [chuckles]
-Thank you, Well-- -I know where he's at,
-[Pablo] Yes? -You can find him
on Malcolm X Boulevard
and Kill Whitey Avenue, There's a liquor store there,
They sell Mad Dog 20/20, Old English,
uh, The Devil's Lettuce, condoms,
if you're into that kind of thing,
[upbeat music]
-♪ The soul that came,,, ♪ -[piano playing discordant notes]
[indistinct chanting]
♪ Praise the Lord! ♪ Whoo! Shit!
Oh, wait a minute, What the hell?
Y'all must be the two new janitors,
Hey, we're not janitors anymore,
This is a private reverend-client session,
Client? Who's the client here?
Oh, baby, no, no, no,
A bit more like a parishioner
pre-counseling dickography,
Hey, you didn't say anything about a gang bang,
It gonna cost you more,
Well, then look, do me a favor,
Take these ten Hail Marys with you when you go to bed tonight
and you'd be well on your way to heaven,
Hell, I know I would,
Go on, girl,
-She's all sweaty, -Yeah,
She had a clit so big, I didn't know
if I was sucking dick or eating pussy,
[Güero] You don't like that?
What's he talking about?
I'm Pablo, Pablo, We were roomies,
bunkies in cell block C,
San Quentin, about six years ago,
we did time together, You owe me,
Pablo, cell block C?
Cell block C, God damn it!
Pedro, my man!
No, Smokey, it's me, Pablo, Not Pedro, Pablo,
Well, my name ain't Smokey, nigga,
It's Reverend Willy Dollars at your service,
How can I help you?
I'm here to collect that debt,
The debt? Hm,
I think I did owe you $20,
I was gonna pay you with a carton of Salem Lights,
I forget how the money work in the prison system,
-Uh, try $300, -$300? God damn, nigga,
This is church, You know, money tight here,
We ain't got that kind of bread,
Even though we did take up a collection
and we're just waiting to see how them reparation checks pan out,
-You know how it is, -Look, enough,
We know you got the money, We seen you on TV,
We know this is all a scam, so pay up,,, [speaks in Spanish]
Come on, I can smell $300 on you, Don't be like that, Give it up,
First of all, tell that thick-neck white cracker
this ain't that kind of fucking place, I ain't got that kind of money,
What the hell are you talking about?
First of all, ain't nothing wrong with anal sex,
-What the fuck is he talking about? -I have no idea, but--
Secondly, let me tell you something,
If Willy owe, Willy pay, Relax,
[Willy exhales]
Yeah, I, I ain't got none of these small bills,
All I got is these hundreds,
And we're also here for you to teach us how to be preachers,
-You know, to be our teacher preacher, -What?
Come on, you can't throw a rock in any direction
and not hit a guy named Jesús in this town,
This is Los Angeles, We got to get in on this,
Is that right? Do you feel the word? Is that true?
-Yeah, -Do you feel the call?
-I feel it, -That's good, because I teach
a secret seminar on weekends about the Lord,
But in order for you to come, you got to feel the calling,
Do you feel the calling, brother?
-Yeah, I feel it, -Most importantly,
does the calling feel you?
-Oh, shit, -Hey, hey, hey!
What the fuck?
I usually charge $500 for that,
I'm not too off, considering,
-Just be here next week, -Uh, yeah, O-- okay,
And make sure you bring that thick-neck white nigga with you,
Yeah, all right, All right,
Come on,
[whimsical music]
I'll see y'all next week,
-Thank you, -Huh,
That white boy look like he got Down syndrome,
I bet you I can fuck him out of that,
[crickets chirping]
Güero, listen to me, It can't be that hard,
Smokey is a dumbass, He's making all that money,
-We could do the same, -Yeah, but we're dumbasses,
Yeah, but there's two of us,
You really think it's that easy?
Right now is the perfect time,
-[upbeat music] -[distant gunshots]
[Willy] Brothers and sisters, before we start today's class,
I usually like to start out by reading a powerful excerpt
from the good book,
This one here comes to you by the Corinthians,
not to be confused with them goddamn Koreans,
This is IT Revelations 25:37,
-[organ music] -"Bitch, get your ass in the car,
If you don't, I'mma knock a tooth loose,"
Ike and Tina Turner,
[Bible thuds]
You know, people, when it come to the Lord,
I can give you the knowledge,
but it ain't about just the words,
It's about the style,
It ain't about how much you pray,
it's about how you look when you pray,
Now, you can't represent God looking like a piece of shit,
You can't represent God with a face like Biz Markie,
No, you got to hone that style,
You got to be cool, You got to have them,,,
This motherfucker looks like a cheeseburger, [chuckles]
[grunts] I like the suit though,
Now, the Lord is powerful,
I need you to say, "The Lord,"
[all] The Lord,
Why is the white guy in rhythm and we got three niggas here?
[louder] I say, "The Lord,"
[all] The Lord!
You got to put five-six-O's
on that motherfucker,
[sing-songy] The Lord,
Again, good job, white boy,
Now, here's the second part, the most important part,
The laying of the hands,
You got to squeeze a motherfucker's head
till they see stars,
You got to squeeze a bitch's neck
like she owe you money,
I need a volunteer,
You, Chinaman,
My name is not Chinaman,
My name's Kevin Lopez,
and I'm half Japanese by my mother's side
and half Mexican by a friend of my father's,
so I really don't appreciate being called Chinaman,
You know what? It don't even matter,
Get on up here,
-That your lady right there? -Yeah, that's me,
Yeah, Christina Yamaguchi,
Give me some booty,
[chuckles] All right, let's get back to God,
Do you believe in the Lord?
-Yeah, yeah, -Well, then let the power of the Lord
show you the power of God!
I didn't feel shit,
You know, sometimes you need a little assistance
to get his juices flowing,
So, when you get the assistance
and you get it in the power of your hand,
now tell me, do you believe in God?
-[electricity buzzing] -[screams]
[buzzing continues]
See, all God needed was a little boost,
Now, the police call this a taser,
Black folks call it a nigga tickler, All right, y'all, let's move on,
Um, excuse me, Reverend, what, what about Kevin?
-Fuck Kevin, -Uh, shouldn't we call somebody?
-911? -Bitch, are you crazy?
-[woman] Are you sure? -Yeah, I'm sure, You want some of this?
No, no,
[electricity buzzing]
It's okay, We, we came in separate cars,
Hey, uh, Reverend, looks like you're killing your faithful,
No, that's really just the Buddhists and the Muslims,
I mean, don't get me wrong, I ain't no anti-systematic,
but, you know, that ain't our demographic knowhow,
♪ Well, I'm wrapped up tied up,,, ♪
-[muted] -♪ And I don't wanna get loose Oh, yeah! ♪
-Lord! -[laughing]
[choral music]
Lord has allowed me for a second chance,
A redemption, if you will,
And let's face it, that's what Christianity is all about,
It's about forgiveness,
And if the Lord can forgive me,
He can forgive a crackhead like you,
And bring it to the Lord,
What's it gonna take?
Cash,
Don't try to hide your money from God,
God knows where you keep it,
He knows where that sock is,
He knows exactly how much money you make,
Oh, you may hide it from the IRS,
but you can't hide it from the Lord,
He knows how much you have in your mattress,
He knows how much you have given to your old lady,
Bring that cash out, We need it now,
-Redemption is what Christianity's all about, -You blasphemous Lucifer!
Oh, my God!
Please call that number, Give more,
I want you to, I want you, this time, to really, really
get your hand and dig deep,
Go down, down, down on the ground,
I want you to go balls deep like you've never gone before,
Dig into your children's college fund,
I don't care, We're gonna need it,
-Credit? Visa? -[phones ringing]
-Preacher Pablo Ministries, -[indistinct chatter]
Thank you, friends,
I hear the phones are ringing,
-and they're ringing off the hook, -[phone ringing]
-Thank you, -Hello, Preacher Pablo Ministries,
God damn it, David, Give up already! Ugh!
-It was my ex, -Ugh, he's so annoying,
You call whatever your needs may be,
Preacher Pablo is here for you, Not for me, It's for you,
Hasta la vista,
Go with God, And remember,
we take all major credit cards except Discovery,
We've had problems,
[cheerful theme music]
-[heavenly music] -[Pablo] I am your servant,
Let's get our money together
and let's make a path, a yellow brick path
-to the righteousness of the Lord, -[cell phone ringing]
-This is Preacher Pablo signing off with a,,, -[chuckles]
[Pablo speaking in Spanish]
-Did you see that? -[preaching continues]
Amazing, isn't it?
Of course you're my new money cow,
[laughs] Yes,
[door opens]
I'll call you later,
-We have to talk, -What do you want?
Did you see the show yesterday?
Are you kidding me? Of course I did,
That guy is a hit,
What about us?
What about you?
Well, they are the sons of the devil,
No, they're not, It's just that
you are the smaller show now, and that's it,
What? We've been spreading the word of the Lord
and maintaining our ratings for ten straight years,
You have grossed around $5K per show for a few years,
and that's decent,
But Father Perez was hitting the 20,000s,
That's why every time he was think of quitting,
I would flash him my tits,
-[both gasp] -But those guys,
those guys are killing it,
You can't put a price on the message of God,
And we were here first,
Take it like a man, and get out of my office,
Arthur, let's go take it like a man,
[tense music]
[sighs] Lutherans,
[sighs]
[Pablo] What's it gonna take?
Cash,
-[woman laughing] -[Pablo grunting]
[woman] Daddy!
[Pablo chuckling]
Hey, Güero, how much did we make?
$34,700,95!
[all cheering]
You know, this is easy, We should have got into
the saving souls business a long time ago,
-Oh, baby, you know, you are very sexy,,, -Uh-huh,
,,,so I need to buy more sexy clothes,
But I need some money,
I'll tell you something, You, the less you wear,
the sexier you are, but here's $200,
Run out to Goodwill and get yourself some lingerie,
You know, they only use it once or twice,
That's it? I need more than that,
All right, one more, and that's it,
Güero, this one is the best,
You are so handsome and cute,
but I want more because I see more money
-here, baby, -[Pablo] Hey, Güero,
-keep an eye on your old lady, -Yeah,
-[door bangs open] -Hey!
[Pablo] Hey, what the fuck?
We're in the middle of saving some souls here,
You just can't barge in here like you have an appointment,
-[grunts] -[groans]
[grunts] Fuck! Watch your bonehead,
-Let me explain this to you, -[groaning]
I'm the boss of all the TV preachers
that you see out there,
I'm the one keeping out
all the new preachers from going on air,
-[groans] -'Cause no one goes on TV and collects money
without giving me a cut,
-[Pablo] Yeah, Yeah, -Is that clear?
What the fuck are you talking about? It's public access TV--
Oh, God! You hit like a man!
[Angeles] I'm not asking,
And if you want to keep part of the money,
you're going to do as I say,
You, you mean you want your cut?
-Of course, -[Güero] How, how much
could your cut be? How much?
-You tell me, -Me? Uh, well,,,
-[mouthing] -And don't dare to lie,
All we made was, was, $4-- $4000,,,
[groans] $34,700 and 95 fucking cents,
Good,
[Angeles] Thirty-four,,,
We need to pay her,
Okay,
Here, you can keep 5000,
-5000? -What?
-No, no, no, -Relax, Okay,
Okay, Okay, I'll be nice,
I'm gonna pay for the room and the ladies,
[Pablo] Yeah? I thought they were,
they were just here for us, for free, Yeah?
I'm gonna call you tomorrow 'cause we got to work on next week's show,
Yeah, yeah, I don't think I'll be able to walk till next week,
Put some ice,
[dramatic music]
-[door closes] -I think I'm missing a testicle,
Have you seen it around here?
[groaning]
[tranquil music]
[hip-hop beats]
Sorry for the beating,
[chuckles] You need to understand
that it's really difficult to be a woman,
especially a Latina woman in a man's world,
Nothing personal, guys, but I had to assert myself,
-Assert yourself? -What are you talking about?
You beat him like he's Rodney King,
Yeah, I feel like a piñata,
Do you think I enjoy beating you up?
Yeah,
No!
I broke my nail,
Easy, guys,
Listen, I was only trying to make a point,
This is the way of the underworld,
and it is straightforward,
You make a good show, you collect a lot of money,
and I get my piece of the pie,
A piece of the pie? You, you took the whole pie,
Well, next time, I will take half,
But it is not all for me,
I need to kick back all the way to the Vatican,
Seems like a lot,
-What did you say? -Peop-- of peopl-- a lot of people in here,
And let me tell you something, You haven't seen nothing yet,
We're gonna make this show bigger than Oprah,
-You know Oprah? -[laughing] Are you kidding?
[Angeles laughs]
I still remember the first time
that I brought her to the network,
They said America's not ready for an overweight Black woman,
And let me tell you, she wasn't easy to find,
-You couldn't find an overweight Black woman? -No,
-Have you been to the post office? -Who's Oprah?
Uh, you wouldn't know, Uh, her show runs the same time as Paw Patrol,
Guys, focus,
We need miracles,
Miracles? What are you talking about?
-We're a couple of frauds, -Yeah,
I'm well aware of that,
But we get some people to act, and that's it,
Uh, miracles, come on, that's old, Everybody does that,
Yeah, everybody, but the two of you,
And we need it, 'cause it works,
Do you have a better idea?
[Güero] All right, listen, guys,
Give me some time, I'll think of something,
-[dramatic music] -[announcer] The Preacher Pablo Show
is brought to you by Imperio Real Tequila,
-[rock music] -♪ So, are you ready for the big time? ♪
♪ Ready for the spotlight,,, ♪
Blasphemous Lucifer!
♪ Just who you are ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
[tense music]
[Chato's wife] So, now you've become too much faithful, right?
I wanna hear the word of the Lord,
[Chato's wife] Oh, really?
It's not 'cause you want to watch the girls?
No, What would they wanna see in me?
[chuckles]
You're finer than all the women,
I know that,
But I'm telling you, be careful,
I'm watching you,
Don't worry,
Me? [chuckles] I don't worry,
You, on the other hand,,,
[thunderclap]
Friends, sinners, across the Southland,
welcome to the Hour of Power,
I am the Lord's servant, Preacher Pablo,
The 1800 number that you see on your screen
is for you to open up your hearts and your checkbooks
and to give generously to this ministry,
because this Walter Mercado outfit is not cheap,
The Lord needs money for His work
to clean the sins of the Southland,
I have a special message to the Sanchez family out there,
-You know who you are, [preaching continues] -He's talking about us,
[speaks in Spanish]
Sí,He's talking about us,
Yes, I'm talking about you, [echoes] you, you,,,
-[thunderclap] -,,,Sanchez family,
A terrible pox will fall upon your house,
Ooh, something horrible is gonna happen to your familia,
[speaks in Spanish]
-What? -[preaching continues]
No, he's not talking about you, darling,
Send him some money now,
[speaks in Spanish]
-I said now, -Okay, okay, okay,
-[overlapping conversations] -[phones ringing]
It's a very special evening,
An evening of power and miracles,
The Lord is gonna move through me,
It's not Preacher Pablo doing it,
Let me make that perfectly clear,
It is the Lord moving through me right up this hand
that things are gonna change,
I have four lost, filthy souls behind me,
Now, I want you at home to pray along with me,
Say "Preacher Pablo, Lord, use Preacher Pablo
to help these lost souls,"
Let me make one thing clear,
I've never met these gentlemen,
Let me ask them,
-Gentlemen, have you ever seen me before? -[quietly] No,
Who said that?
[Pablo] Uh, he's blind,
All right, let's start off with you, my brother,
Uh, I sense a sense of need,
Uh-oh, Oh, I sense you're from Compton, California,
Oh, yeah, city of Compton,
And you are looking for what, what?
-A white woman, am I right? -Uh, may-- maybe two,
Two? Don't get greedy, One of them will have to be fat,
Lord, grant him a white woman,
-Yes, [speaks in tongues] -["Hallelujah" by Handel's Messiah playing]
Uh, he says, uh, "Take yourself to Santa Clarita,
There's plenty there by Magic Mountain,"
Get going now,
All right, Uh, you, uh,
you, what is your problem, son?
Ever since I was little, everybody made fun of me
because they thought I was the Keebler Elf,
[Pablo] Well, stop making cookies, damn it!
I also see some crutches here,
Could, could you probably-- walking,
-Is there ever a problem walking? -[mumbles]
-Do you believe you can walk? -[man] I believe,[whimpers]
-Do you really believe? -I believe,
-brother! -Stand up, then, brother,
-[whimpers] -Rise,
I said, rise,
-Yeah, -["Hallelujah" by Handel's Messiah playing]
Put them crutches to the side,
To the side,
-Oh, to the side, -[laughing]
-Yeah! Yes, you've seen it, -[mumbling]
You've seen it right here,
All right,
This is making miracles, This could be you,
Oh, what do we have here? What do we have here?
♪ I just called ♪
I'm blind,
-Blind, huh? -I can't see,
-Who said that? -Uh, I'm here,
It's bro-- Preacher Pablo, How many fingers am I holding?
I don't know, I'm blind,
Where are your fingers? What are fingers?
I got ten, like everybody else,
-Crazy, -[Güero laughing]
All right, Do you believe you could be healed?
♪ I believe I could be healed ♪
[Pablo] Lord, could you help this white man
who does bad Al Pacino impressions?
Could you help him see, Lord?
What? Uh-uh, He said maybe, He said maybe,
But let, let's just see if I could ask--
Lord, please, Please help this man,
Help this man see!
-["Hallelujah" by Handel's Messiah playing] -Oh, my gosh! I can see!
-Ah, -I can see,
Hey!
-All right, -[Güero] I'm gonna go look at stuff,
[Pablo] All right, These miracles happening here, this could be you,
-Mommy, he can cure me, -This time, I want you to go a little deeper
-than before, I want you to get your right hand,,, -Yes, sweetie, I think he can,
,,,put it in your pocket,,,
Have you heard of him?
-[preaching continues] -Yes, baby, I have,
-Do you believe it? -,,,bring 'em up to the sunshine of the lights,,,
-I do, -,,,to the number that you see on the screen,
All right, Cochise, what's your problem?
Uh, I'm Native American,
-Huh? -Many moons ago,
-the white man-- -Yo, yo, yo, yo, Hold on,
Are you gonna ask me to get all the land back to you?
I can't do that, Wait a minute, You look familiar, I've seen you on the nickel,
Look here, you got casinos, Ain't that enough?
Give me another problem that the Lord
might be able to help you right now with,
My wife left me,
I said, what's the problem?
Boom, you've already been blessed,
-She's gone, -I'm healed! I'm healed!
-Yeah, -["Hallelujah" by Handel's Messiah playing]
Daddy, he can cure me,
No, you see, you don't need him, mija,
Yes, he can,
The Lord is making miracles,
as you can see right here,
-He can and he will, -This could be you,
The Lord wants you to know that there are miracles being done daily,
When you're shopping, remember
that the Lord has placed
a picture of himself on specially marked boxes
of All-Bran cereal,
Those sons of Satan are at it again,
Really? You're selling product placement? I mean,,,
-Hurry, let's go, -What?
["Hallelujah" by Handel's Messiah continues playing]
I said, let's go, Hurry,
[music swells]
It's mine! No!
[grunting]
Ow! Ah!
[news jingle music]
[dramatic music]
There is a new preacher in town,
His name is Pablo,
In just a few weeks,
he has become the hope of the faithful
who tuned in every week to hear the word of Jesus
through his show on TV,
But is he the real thing
or just another false prophet?
[upbeat music]
[coughs]
[knocking on door]
[coughing]
Oh,,, [clears throat] hello,
Are you the preacher?
Uh, yeah, I'm the preacher,
It smells like weed,
Yeah, there was a,,, [coughs]
circumcision here earlier today,
It was, it was a mess,
Oh, come on in, child,
You beautiful lamb of God,
-[door closes] -Mm-mm-mm,
So, what can I do for you?
Well, someone told me that you heal people,
You bet your ass I heal people,
Well, I'm so ashamed to say,,,
Hey, nothing shameful in the eyes of God,
Well, I'm a sinner,
-Ooh, go on, -Big time,
Mm-hm,
Anyway, I, I just haven't been on my best behavior lately,
You should tell me all about your bad behavior like a, like a confession,
-Well,,, -Slowly,
Okay, I mean, well, I sleep around a lot,
I mean, a lot,
So, I fear that
God is going to strike me with some disease,
Mm, Yeah, well, He has,
-Big boob disease, -What?
-That's not the scientific,,, -What do you mean?
,,,term, I mean your boobs,
I've always been quite busty,
I bet, Yeah, but I can tell, as a man of the cloth,
that they're bustier than normal,
-They're filled with evil and venom, -Uh,,,
[hesitates] Are you sure?
Yeah, this is Satan at work,
I've never been more sure of anything in my life,
We're going to have to take off your top
so I can suck out the venom and evil
through your nipple,
-Okay, -There you go,
You know, [sighs] there is a very strong smell of weed in here,
Well, there's a real strong smell of a whore in here too,
You don't hear me complaining,
Excuse me?
What? What'd I say? What?
No, I mean, Mary Magdalene
was a whore, you know,
and now she's a saint, and she always had her top off,
Actually, you know what? You should get completely naked,
You know what? Take off all your clothes,
-What? Why? -Take off all your clothes,
'cause that way we can make sure
it didn't spread to any other part of your body, [chuckles]
But you said it was just my breasts,
Yeah, but what if it spread down to,
you know, the chalice?
Well, okay,
Yeah! Oh, my God!
What are you doing?
I am dancing, It's part of the ritual,
Hey, be careful,
There's me under that hair,
-You like those shoes, huh? -Oh, yeah, I do,
[chuckles]
I can get you his glove if you want,
You're kidding, They belong to, uh--
Whoo-hoo!
[laughs] Wow,
[Angeles] We're going national soon,
-[Pablo] Really? -[Angeles] No, this is peanuts,
-We can be cashing in millions, -[Pablo] Tell me more,
-[Angeles] Okay, first, what we need to do is just-- -Preacher Pablo,
-Huh? Look, look, the service doesn't-- -I need to talk to you,
Look, I don't know how you got in here,
but you're not supposed to be here,
The service doesn't begin for an hour,
Could you wait in the hall, please?
I'm not waiting an hour to talk to you,
-Oh, -I need to talk to you now,
My name is José,
Most people call me Chato,
If you haven't heard about me, she has,
José, it's been a while,
I need to talk to him alone,
Okay, he said alone,
Everybody out, That includes me,
Hey!
-Sit down, -[whimpers]
I said alone,
I'll be outside,
Stay real close, okay?
Now, how can I help you?
I have a daughter,
She's very sick,
I've taken her to the best doctors,
and they don't know shit,
Well, you've come to the right place,
because the Lord told me you were coming,
Believe it or not, I was expecting you,
I don't believe your bullshit,
He told me that too, Isn't it something?
Ow! Ow! Oh, man!
You went Will Smith on me,
You don't gotta do that,
Listen, I don't believe your bullshit,
My wife does,
Well,,,
We all have someone in life
that we fear,
I, I mean, respect,
For me, that's my wife,
Well, that's the reason I'm not married, you know, 'cause, uh,,,
I might be gay,
Shut up!
I need you to heal my daughter,
Well, you know, those are miracles that--
Miracles, they're kind of spotty,
You know, sometimes they happen,
sometimes it doesn't happen,
You're her last hope,
And I'm your last hope,
Well, uh, I'm gonna do my very best,
No!
Your best ain't shit,
-[sighs] -If my daughter should die,
you,,, will be her chaperone to heaven,
-But-- -Do we understand each other now?
No, no, let me recap,
You're saying that you're taking your daughter
to all the best doctors
and they haven't been able to do nothing for her,
but now I'm supposed to cure her
or else you're gonna kill me,
Is that pretty much it?
Wow, what a deal,
-Wow, -We understand each other,
Don't try to run,
There's nowhere on Earth you can hide from me,
Understand that,
Yeah, yeah,
Okay, Uh,,,
Hey, hey, I'm, I'm not running,
-My legs are like spaghetti, Hey, -What happened?
Well, we're not going national,
What do you mean?
-Who is that guy? -He's pretty big,
He's a shot caller around here,
Oh, my,
Do we know anybody that could take care of him?
Sure,
Who?
God,
I need a diaper,
♪ Dang, the maggot in the casket eats like a king ♪
♪ He read your headstone Come eat at Joe's ♪
♪ Fresh flesh is the special with a side of toast ♪
♪ And I ain't got no punks that can't fade me ♪
♪ Just the smoke from the tide ♪
♪ Now we're rolling up a jo' and we're getting fucked up ♪
♪ Ha, ha, yeah me and the homies ♪
♪ Are just getting high,,, ♪
[groans]
Excuse me,
[mumbles]
[heavenly harp music]
Whoa,
I've never been this high,
I gotta lay off that Ambien,
Excuse me, Excuse me, sir,
-Excuse me, pardon me, -Mm,
Señor,am I,,,
I am in hell! Oh, God! [sobs]
Hell? Why would you say that?
Because you look like the devil,
No, you dumbass, I'm God,
Come on, Everybody knows God's got blonde hair like Brad Pitt,
You racist son of a bitch!
-Man, what's wrong with you? -No, no, no, no,
It's just I never thought God would be Latino with chancletas,
-Come on, -What, you got something against Latinos?
No, no, no, I got nothing against Latinos, I'm Latino,
-Mexican, right? -Yeah, I love being Mexican,
-Do you love being Mexican? -I love being Mexican,
I love being Puerto Rican,
-Good, Good, -And I'm legal!
[both yell]
Okay, Pablo, Oh, oh,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
-[explosion] -Wow, What was that for?
The damn Russians, they're at it again,
-[speaks in Spanish] -Oh, Yeah, they got it coming,
[mumbling] Look, what are you--
You smoke? God smokes?
Oh, check it out, Check it out,
-Yeah, -Puffing with God, huh?
Okay, Yeah, yeah, yeah, That's it, That's it, man,
-It's really special, -[groans]
-What is that? -Okay, now, mira,
[coughing]
This is from Pete on 9th Street Avenue,
Lower East Side,
[speaks in Spanish]
-I heard that, -Yeah, man,
-I heard that, [groans] -Don't play, Now, listen,
Pablo,
you got some problems you need to talk about,
Oh, come on, No big problems, Just little problems,
I, I've done a little this, a little that, but nothing big,
Okay, All right, you-- I forgot, you're God, you know everything,
-Hello, -You're like the IRS,
-That's right, -Okay, so,
well, I'll never lie to you again,
You're lying right now, Pablo,
God, if I, if I could just have the Lotto numbers,
Momento,You see, this is not Sábado Gigante
-or Jeopardy,okay? -[sighs]
Come on, Pablo,
Just give me a little more time,
Time? You need time?
Get a watch, bitch, Get a watch,
Wow, I thought God was all about love and understanding,
Oh, I am about love and understanding,
But you know what? I tried with you,
Nothing works, Pablo, Nothing works,
But my mother said I was special,
Oh, you're special,
I am special?
Not in a good way,
-Oh, -No, you know what?
You out there scamming people,
I'm just trying to make a living like anybody else,
I haven't decided if you're gonna go to hell yet,
but you're close, You're close, You're close,
I believe in you, I, I wanna be like you,
I wanna stay here with you,
-All right, Whoa, -[flip-flop whistling]
[speaks in Spanish]
-All right, -You got an, you got an angel named Raúl?
Yeah, man, He's in anger management right now,
-but, you know, he's doing better, -Ah, la bodega?
La bodega,the Lower East Side,
-I heard of him, -Maybe you should talk to him,
Pablo,,,
Well, is there anything I can do to avoid going to,
you know, down there?
No, you don't have to go down,
Uh, no, I meant, you know, to Earth,
Oh, oh, oh, okay,
Yeah, you do that,
I gotta go,
I got a recall on Tesla,
There's about 14 wars going on, [yells]
-What? What? What? -Tito Puente and Celia
going out in two minutes,
-Can I go, please? -No, I got one ticket,
-You got work to do, Pablo, -I promise, I'll be better,
I'll be better, Please don't send me to hell,
Stop lying to yourself,
I haven't decided yet, but I'll get back to you,
[God scatting]
[whooshing]
God gets to hear Tito Puente and Celia Cruz every night,
Shit, that is heaven, [chuckles]
Better straighten out,
[upbeat music]
[man on radio] Latino 96,2, LA's party station
with me, the Manic Hispanic,
So, LA's own Preacher Pablo has been performing miracles
all over the place,
Now, is there nothing he can't do?
All I want is for him to make my child support payments disappear,
[chuckles]
[bartender] What you reading there, uh, Preacher Pablo?
Uh, one of those new tax exemptions
for your phony-ass little churches?
Uh, no, I wish it was that simple,
What's going on? Oh, geez,
If I don't fix it, uh, it could be my last drink,
You planning on dying soon?
Well, I'm not planning on it, but it could happen,
[sighs] Finally, some good news,
[laughs]
Uh, thanks a lot for the support,
Let me have a drink,
All right, [mumbles]
I'm gonna need cash upfront this time, buddy,
[laughs] 'Cause you're gonna,,,
-[grunts] -[sighs]
Would-be gangster or gangster, I've never heard of,
he comes over to my church, right,
and he starts threatening me
that if I don't cure his daughter
or get a miracle for his daughter,
he's gonna kill me,
-Who? -I've never heard of him,
Uh, some guy named, uh, Chato,
Ooh, Chapo, Ooh,
Not Chapo, Chato,
Chato? Jesus, he's even worse,
You trying to cheer me up?
Oh, didn't you give, uh, Angeles her cut?
I do, I do, but uh, even she can't help me,
I don't know what to do,
What? You just tell him you're a fraud,
I did, I tried to tell him I'm a fraud,
I said I don't cure people for real,
Everybody knows you're a fraud,
All you preachers are phony,
All you Bible thumpers, you little Jesus freaks,
-[mumbles] -Hey, hey, and all you bartenders
like to water down their drinks,
You don't see me stop drinking here,
Not every drink, What's her illness?
I don't know, I'm not a doctor,
You're not a preacher either, you lying ass sack of shit,
so just do a fake miracle,
Oh, man, are you gonna bust my balls
or are you gonna try to help me? Jeez,
Lucky for you, we got a lot of world-class doctors
that congregate right here at my fine establishment,
World-class doctors in this shithole? Come on,
Only doctor that's ever been here is Dr, Pepper,
Jesus Christ,
Uh, excuse me, Are, are you a doctor?
A pediatrician,
Ain't nothing wrong with her feet,
[bartender] Children's doctor, you dumbass,
-May I look at those? -Yes, please,
Thank you,
Hm,
Let's see here,
She's eight,
-That's strange, -Why?
Well, where's she from?
Uh, around here, as far as I know,
-Los Angeles? -Yes, as far as I know,
Okay, she'll be fine,
-What do you mean? -Well, this is a very rare disorder,
It's rare here,
It's not taking her life
or,,, killing her,
What it is, she was probably standing on the soil
in a foreign country, like South America,
or in a tropical climate,
and the particles in the ground came up to her feet,
What the particles and the chemicals in the particles did to her body,
-You think I can cure her? -No, you can't,
But these little pills will help,
This has to be done with medical practice and healing,
I'm going to prescribe you these pills to take,
and you give her two quinines a day for six days,
and the healing will become a miracle,
-Are you sure? -Yeah, I'm positive,
Yeah, I'm sure, Yeah, I'm sure,
Uh, thanks, Doc, Is there anything I can do for you?
Can I get you a pint of blood?
Uh, maybe, uh, your own personal vampire
female, uh, nurse or golf clubs?
A Ferrari,
-[laughs] He is a doctor, -[bartender laughs]
-Thanks, Doc, Thanks, Doc, -[doctor] You're welcome,
[news jingle music]
Preacher Pablo keeps making news
as more and more people
claim to have been healed by him,
[Rusty] It's been announced that his TV show
will soon go into syndication all across the country,
Experts are saying that at this rate,
his following is growing by leaps and bounds,
He's on his way to becoming the most successful TV preacher ever,
[chuckles] Look out, Joel Osteen,
T, D, Jakes, Billy Graham, the Kardashians,
Chateau, any of those fools,
So, apparently, this is just for everybody that's not watching Telemundo?
Those freaks,
[upbeat music]
Guys, great you're here, Listen,
What about if you make Jesus appear?
-What do you mean? -I'm talking about miracles,
We need miracles,
Just like an apparition somewhere,
Come on, Angeles, don't you think that my, my sermons,
my makeup is getting more to the point, more powerful?
-It's getting old, -What?
We need something new,
What about my acting? It's pretty good, right?
Yeah, he's had leprosy,
he's been uh, pregnant twice,
He's been blind, crippled,
I beat AIDS, again,
[Pablo] Twice,
Guys, trust me on this, It's gonna be huge,
Just make Jesus appear,
I don't care where, It could be in a tree,
in a wall, in a tortilla, in your forehead,
I just don't give a shit,
You figure it out,
Well, you figure it out,
Okay, I'm on it,
One Jesus coming up,
[groans]
You know, Oh, sorry,
Keep your distance,
[whispering] She likes me,
[Pablo] I thought my makeup and my eyebrows
were opening the show up, but,,,
Hey, Angeles! And I need better hair spray,
-♪ So mentally unhealthy ♪ -♪ So mentally unhealthy ♪
-♪ I think things I shouldn't think ♪ -♪ Shouldn't think ♪
-♪ I'm on the brink ♪ -♪ On the ♪
-♪ Someone help me ♪ -♪ Someone help me ♪
♪ I'm so mentally unhealthy ♪
♪ I need a vacation from my mind,,, ♪
[speaks in Spanish]
Just like Preacher Pablo predicted, Oh!
Go, Go, tell everybody, Go!
It's a miracle,
♪ Hi,,, ♪
-[gasps] -[plate breaks]
What happened, Mommy?
[mother] Look, baby, it's a sign,
It's a sign he'll cure me,
Yes, baby, God willing,
[gentle music]
-Amen, -Amen, [chuckles]
-[dramatic music] -Well, just as predicted by Preacher Pablo,
people all around the city are reporting finding holy images,
The so-called God's messenger is asserting the belief
that he's the real deal,
More and more people are starting to believe in him
and in his power to heal,
[Dusten] People all around the city
are reporting finding holy images,
Well, not in my city, I live in Calabasas,
The only Pablo I know is my weed dealer,
He claims this power comes directly from God,
But is that true?
I went to find out,
I'm not gonna go and find out!
[stutters] Come on, We do this every time,
and it's the same thing,
I mean, they find it in a tortilla,
Why is it not always a tortilla? Why isn't it, like,
in my sourdough, you know?
[upbeat music]
-You okay? -Mm-hm,
No, for reals, a hot tub is just like a baptismal, see?
The hotter the water is, the quicker the sins wash away,
For example, the bubbles, that's the best way
-to get rid of the bad seeds, -Uh, Preacher Pablo?
I'll be right with you, I'm in the middle of a counselling, You, you have to--
Preacher Pablo, please!
I'll be right with you, okay?
Don't go away, Yes?
I'm Rachel,
Hi, Rachel, N-- nice to meet you,
Uh, what can I do for you?
This is my daughter, Rosita,
Rosita,
She has cancer, Can you please heal her?
I, I know you can, I feel it in my heart,
Uh, uh, I don't-- Look, it doesn't work like that,
The Lord does all the healing,
I, I don't do the healing,
It's somet-- it comes from above,
[Rosita] Please, Preacher Pablo,
I, I saw you on TV,
[Pablo] Well, I, I'm glad you're watching TV,
and I'm really sorry what's happening to you, but I don't have the power,
-I'm just a, a vessel-- -[Rachel] Please, please help us,
Lord gave you the power to heal,
-Can you please cure her? -[emotional piano music]
-Please, I'm begging you, -[Pablo] Not all the time,
I don't have the power, It's not within me,
It's within God,
I have no say so in it,
[Rachel] Please, I'm begging you,
You're our only hope,
[sobbing] Please, please cure my daughter,
[Pablo] I, I would like to do that,
but I don't know if I can,
I don't want to give you false hope--
-Please, Please, -I would like to,
Please don't do that, I, I would--
Nothing I would like to do more than this,
but I don't have the power, I can't,
Please,
It's gonna be okay, Mommy,
[sobs]
[music continues]
[crickets chirping]
[Pablo] I feel like shit, Güero,
[Güero] Wow, Let it go, Pablo,
Ah, I can't, you know,
I keep seeing that little girl ask me to
"Cure me, Preacher Pablo,"
And that makes me feel like such a fraud,
You are a fraud, Pablo,
Oh, I know that, but I didn't mean
to hurt anybody being a fraud,
Who told you this? Snoop? Jesus,
-Whoo! -It's good stuff, huh?
One of my parishioners,
So, we're probably going to hell, Pablo,
Who cares? We finally got money,
No more-- [coughs] No more getting tacos off of Lutherans,
We got all the chicks, we got a sweet-ass ride, bro,
I know, man, I don't know, I don't know where I came up with this conscience,
I wish I didn't, you know,
♪ ,,,that they're doing well They're gonna have judgment thrown ♪
♪ When the truth is known They're gonna be condemned away ♪
♪ You're gonna reap what you sow ♪
♪ God's gonna let you know ♪
♪ You're gonna reap what you sow,,, ♪
-Jesus, -You got that right,
-Jesus lives here? -What's all this about?
This is your future,
[whistles] Wow, We afford this place?
Hell yes,
Once we go national, this and much more,
We are talking our own private jet,
Whoa, private jet, mile high club, vato,
[mimics gagging]
I didn't know there was this kind of money in religion,
Are you kidding me?
Oh, my God,
One day I'm gonna take you to Rome,
And wait until you see the Vatican,
[clicks tongue] That's a pad,
La Basilica di San Pietro
makes this place look like a cardboard box,
-[melancholic music] -[clicks tongue]
Pretty nice box,
What's going on?
He's trippin',
[birds chirping]
I'm done,
I know you don't believe this, but, uh,
I quit, I'm done,
-No more, -What?
Who's the guy telling me, "Do you wanna eat tacos
the rest of your life? You call this successful?"
We're crooks, bro,
Don't ruin this for us,
I know we're crooks,
But,,, [sighs] I've done everything there is to, to be done,
I've stolen, I've cheated, I've lied,
but I've never taken something away from someone
that they couldn't get back,
Me going on television and pretending that
I'm in direct communication with God to take their money,
that's a new low,
I take more than their money,
I take their faith, their hopes,
their dreams, their most sacred beliefs, and,,,
[sighs] I can't do that no more,
Hey, everybody lies on TV,
Or how do you think they get us to buy their crap?
Because everything is a lie,
[Pablo] Don't you think I know that?
I just don't wanna cross that line anymore,
God knows you need the money,
because this place is not for free,
Angeles, people think I can cure them, you understand?
So does every pharmaceutical company out there,
Even when I was in jail, and I stole cigarettes,
and I lied to them about it,
I could still sleep at night,
But now I can't,
[Angeles] Oh, my God, Pablo, don't tell me that
you are the whore with a heart of gold,
Oh, I'm still a whore,
I don't know if my heart is made out of gold or copper,
but I know I have one,
And,,, I don't wanna lose that,
What a homo,
[sighs] What are you?
An honest crook?
Right now, I have no idea what I am,
But I know what I'm not,
I'm not doing this no more,
Pablo, don't say that,
You're not good for nothing,
You are amazing for something,
'Cause you suck people in,
-And that's amazing, -That's just the point, Angeles,
I don't wanna suck people in anymore,
I wish I were the best at something else other than this,
But you're gonna be okay without me,
You're like a cat, You'll always land on your feet,
You'll find another preacher that is just as good, if not better,
He might be a lot closer than you think,
[gentle acoustic music]
Hey, Gordy, have you seen the doctor?
Come on, man, I got rid of those, those STDs years ago,
I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about the doctor, doctor,
-The pediatrician? -Yeah, the children's doctor,
Yeah, he was just here, Hey, there he is,
Hey, we were just talking about you,
♪ I don't know where I'm to land,,, ♪
[pediatrician] Oh, God, I'm so sorry,
This sweet child's not gonna be with us much longer,
♪ How do I get where I'm going? ♪
♪ Could I be there without even knowing it? ♪
♪ I'm so tired of trying ♪
♪ How do I fight these tears that I am crying? ♪
♪ Gotta find the strength to push on ♪
♪ Listen to my heart and sing my song ♪
♪ Follow my dream wherever it leads,,, ♪
[Father] Son, do you need to take confession?
Oh, no, Father,
Uh, I want to talk to Him directly, if you don't mind,
Well, if you need to talk, you know He'll hear you,
Yes, Father,
Hi, God,
It's me, Pablo Valenzuela,
I'm a crook,
but I certainly didn't want to hurt that little girl,
But I gave her hope, and I had no right to do that,
I gave her hope, which I think is just as bad, but, you see,
I, I thought I could cure her like that other little girl
when I went to see the doctor,
and he gave me some pills, and she got better,
and I figured I could do the same for this one,
But he said that she was hopeless,
and she was gonna die,
and there was nothing nobody can do,
So I came here, uh, to make a deal with you,
[clears throat]
Uh, why don't you take all the, uh, diseases that are bad
and, and give 'em to someone like me?
Perhaps there's another little kid out there
who, who has diseases that he doesn't deserve,
Well, how about, uh,
if you give 'em all to me, and uh,,,
,,,and then that kid could live, huh?
Well, it's a simple deal,
You can do it,
That's all I have to say,
[woman sobbing]
[sniffles]
[sobbing]
I am so sorry,
♪ Gotta find the strength to push on ♪
♪ Listen to my heart and sing my song ♪
♪ Follow my dream wherever it leads ♪
♪ 'Cause being me is all that I can be ♪
♪ Gotta find the strength to push on,,, ♪
What the,,,
Look what the cat dragged in,
-Hi, Father, -You came by yourself?
Yeah, seems like it,
Just thought I'd come by, say hello to you,
So,,, what's new with, uh, Preacher Pablo?
So you heard, huh?
[chuckling] Who hasn't?
Yeah, well, uh, I'm done with that,
Uh, no more Preacher Pablo,
Really? You made a fortune, right?
I mean, isn't that what you wanted?
Well, I thought I did, but, uh, even a crook like me
should have his limits, don't you think?
You tell me, genius,
You know, I should go on television and tell everybody
that they're free to believe in whatever God they want,
but they should never give money to people
who need their money to spread the Word of God,
God don't need your money to spread the Word,
Anybody who does that is a crook and a fraud like I was,
And you want redemption?
I do want redemption, Father, That's why I'm here,
[melancholic piano music]
To tell you that I was wrong,
You and I, we're nothing alike,
I'm a crook,
You're a holy man, a true believer, [sniffles]
And what's next?
I don't know, I wish I knew,
You're not coming back here, are you?
I don't want to, but I might have to,
People like me deserve to be here,
-Really? -Yeah,
Have you learned anything, Pablo?
I have, Father,
I've learned to never trust a big butt and a smile,
Well, that's a start,
[laughs] It's a joke, Father,
You're a tough laugh, [laughs]
So you haven't really learned anything,
I've learned that, uh, there has to be another way to make money
without getting God involved,
That's it,
You're on a good path,
I'm proud of you,
I want to be proud of me,
Keep it up, Keep it up,
[music continues]
[news jingle music]
[Rusty] Well, the self-proclaimed holy man Preacher Pablo
is calling it quits, walking away
from a very lucrative syndication contract,
It's not clear why, but Preacher Pablo's highly successful show
will no longer air anymore,
just when it was about to go national,
We tried to reach him for comment,
but we haven't been able to get a response,
[Mama Love] ♪ What a friend we have in Jesus ♪
♪ All our sins and griefs ♪
♪ We bear ♪[vocalizes]
Mother Love?
Well, dip me in buttermilk, [chuckles]
If it ain't Preacher Pablo,
Yeah, not no more,
What do you mean, "Not no more"?
You're not healing the sick, and curing the blind,
and raising up the dead?
I'm done with that,
Speaking of curing the sick, what, what's wrong with your neck?
I had a little old fender-bender,
Barely even scraped the paint off my car,
I'm telling you, Larry H, Stalker,
-you heard of him, -Yeah,
-Yeah, the one on TV, -Mm-hm,
He said he could give me up to 15,
maybe even $20,000,
Love, shame on you,
You know that's insurance fraud, right?
Insurance fraud?
Me? I'm about to get my reparations,
Well, as long as you're okay, You're not hurting or nothing, are you?
I'm okay, This is my neck pillow,
Yeah, What I do is just kind of, like,
pull it down over my titties and lean back,
Man, I get the best sleep, I'm telling you,
Man, I'm telling you, this titty pillow is the best thing
-that ever happened to me, -What, what did you just say?
I said I get eight hours sleep,
No, no, no, Before that,
What you call them?
What? My, my, my titty pillow?
Titty pillows! Mummy Love, oh, we hit the jackpot!
Forget about Larry H, Stalker,
You gonna be rich, girl,
I mean, you done messed up my damn hair,
Look at you, I done spent eight hours trying to get my hair straight
and then you gonna mess it up?
Damn you! [stutters] Excuse me, Lord,
[upbeat music]
-[rock music] -♪ So, are you ready for the big time? ♪
♪ Ready for the spotlight,,, ♪
Oh, shit!
That's right, It's me, your sinister minister,
It's Güero!
Welcome to the Church of Anything Goes,
I'm gonna be your pastor of disaster,
Brothers and sisters, this is the Church of Anything Goes!
♪ So, are you ready for the big time,,, ♪
[Güero] That's right, So, have a good time there at home,
Watch this holy show and take out your wallets,
Yeah!
-[soft music] -Hello, friends, I am Pablo Valenzuela,
the inventor of Pablo's Pillows,
Now, before you turn the channel,
you're gonna say to yourself, "I'm up to here with pillows,
What's this? Everybody's got a pillow,"
My pillows are different,
These pillows are made
right here in America by Americans,
Some of you are saying, "Wait a minute, Pablo,
Are they made overseas by Chinese slave labor?"
No, Karen, no,
These are made right here in America
with American slave labor,
Don't take my word for it,
Let's go to some testimonials,
Pablo changed my life,
Pablo's Pillows will save you,
My neck don't hurt no more, but let me tell you something,
I ain't slap a bitch in three days,
Not one-- Bitches, have I slapped you?
-[woman 1] No, -[woman 2] No!
Pablo's Pillows, baby,
Stop slapping bitches,
I go this way,,, [speaks in Spanish] And I feel good, homie,
And check, and check this out, Boom, peeky-boo, [whistles]
They're there to comfort me, homie,
And sometimes they get a little hard,
so, yeah, you soften 'em up like that,
and they give the love back, homie,
And even when my lady's like,
"Hey, I don't wanna talk to you right now,"
I'm like, "Well, I don't wanna talk to you either,
'cause I have Pablo's Pillows anyway,"
And it's like a second honeymoon to me
because I have something to do on the flight,
-Thank you, Pablo, -Thank you, Pablo's Pillows,
[music concludes]
[choir vocalizing]
[upbeat music]
♪ Gather around all you lonely souls ♪
♪ Take a look at my pretty watch ♪
♪ Yeah, it's made of heaven's gold ♪
♪ Got a cherry right there on top ♪
♪ You say you wanna take a holy vacation ♪
♪ But how much you gonna spend? ♪
♪ But listen to me a second I can promise you ♪
♪ Salvation in the end ♪
♪ Why you wanna even try and put your price ♪
♪ On your eternal life? ♪
♪ Baby, let me give you some of my advice ♪
♪ They're gonna help you see the light ♪
♪ You've got to gimme gimme, gimme, gimme ♪
♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme gimme, gimme what I need ♪
♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme ♪
♪ Gimme, gimme everything ♪
[song ends]
[upbeat music]
♪ Put your hands together one time, uh-huh ♪
-♪ Redemption ♪ -♪ Uh! ♪
-♪ Redemption ♪ -♪ Whoo ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
-♪ Redemption ♪ -♪ Let's go ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
♪ You're mending my heart ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
♪ I gotta get started ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
♪ I'm free to be me ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
♪ I wanna be, got to be ♪
♪ Took a couple of wrong turns, maybe ♪
♪ But I had to figure out what wrong to take from ♪
♪ Which is the wrong route? ♪
♪ 'Cause I know just what you're thinking is crazy ♪
♪ See, I've had my share of downs ♪
♪ Been through the ins and the outs ♪
♪ Ups and downs ♪
♪ Give it just a little more time ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ And I promise ♪
-♪ It'll all work out ♪ -♪ Redemption ♪
♪ You're mending my heart ♪
-♪ Mending my heart ♪ -♪ Redemption ♪
-♪ I got a new start ♪ -♪ Got a new start ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
-♪ I'm free to be me ♪ -♪ Free to be me ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ I wanna be, got to be ♪
♪ Haven't always made the right choices ♪
♪ But you know I put in all of my time ♪
♪ Now I gotta find my way out ♪
♪ Before I go out, huh ♪
♪ Out of my mind ♪
♪ See, I've had my share of doubts ♪
♪ Been through the ins and the outs ♪
♪ The ups and downs ♪
♪ Give me just a little more time ♪
♪ And I promise it'll all work out ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
♪ You're mending my heart ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
♪ I got a new start ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
♪ I'm free to be me ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
♪ I wanna be, got to be ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
♪ You're mending my heart ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
♪ I got a new start ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
♪ I'm free to be me ♪
♪ Redemption ♪
♪ I wanna be, got to be ♪
[song fades]
["Gotta Serve Somebody" by Bob Dylan]
♪ You might be an ambassador to England or France ♪
♪ You might like to gamble You might like to dance ♪
♪ You might be the heavyweight champion of the world ♪
♪ You might be a socialite with a long string of pearls ♪
♪ But you're gonna have to serve somebody ♪
♪ Serve somebody ♪
♪ You got to serve somebody ♪
♪ Serve somebody ♪
♪ Well, it might be the Devil ♪
♪ Or it should be the Lord ♪
♪ And you're gonna have to serve somebody ♪
♪ Serve somebody ♪
♪ You might live on a mountaintop ♪
♪ You might be from flats ♪
♪ You might be a gangster boy wearing baseball caps ♪
♪ They might call you widow ♪
♪ They might call you scar ♪
♪ You just might be covered with tattoos ♪
♪ All over your arm ♪
♪ But you're still gonna have to serve somebody ♪
♪ Serve somebody ♪
♪ No matter where you're from ♪
♪ You're gonna serve somebody ♪
♪ Serve somebody ♪
♪ Well, it might be the Devil ♪
♪ Or it should be the Lord ♪
♪ And you're gonna have to serve somebody ♪
[song ends]