♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪
♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪
♪♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪♪
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there\'s a family guy ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there\'s a man who positively can do ♪♪
♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪
♪♪ He\'s,,, a,,, fam,,, ily,,, guy! ♪♪
WHOO-HOO! BABY!
12 IN A ROW!
WOW, YOU MUST HAVE HAD A GREAT BODY
BEFORE IT WENT ALL FUN-HOUSE MIRROR ON YOU,
I CAN\'T BELIEVE HOW TERRIFIC YOU LOOK,
THANKS,
I\'VE BEEN TAKING TAE-JITSU CLASSES,
YOU SHOULD COME WITH ME SOMETIME,
I\'D LOVE TO,
OH, THE BABY\'S KICKING, WANT TO FEEL?
SURE,
OW! OW!
OH! YOU ARE FREAKIN\' DEAD, KID,
PETER!
Meg: OH, I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR,
ME, TOO,
THE SUMMER TOURISTS ARE GONE
AND WE FINALLY HAVE THE TOWN TO OURSELVES
BEFORE THOSE IDIOTS FROM NEW YORK SHOW UP
TO WATCH THE LEAVES CHANGE
AND TAKE OVER THE WHOLE PLACE,
( gasps )
( horns honking )
LEAFERS!
HOLY CRAP, WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!
-WHAT ABOUT THE BOAT? -LEAVE IT!
HURRY, PETER,
THEY\'RE ALMOST HERE,
WE\'RE TOO LATE,
YO, MATTIE, CHECK OUT THOSE COLORS--
YELLOW LIKE A TAXI
ORANGE LIKE THE BALL AT THE KNICKS GAME
AND RED LIKE THE SAUCE ON MY MAMA MIA\'S GOO-GOTS,
YEAH, AND BROWN
LIKE THE GUYS I DON\'T PICK UP IN MY CAB,
BEE-UTIFUL,
( all scream )
Good evening,
Tonight\'s top story: Quahog is infested
with loud hairy creatures also know as New Yorkers,
They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage,
I think I speak for all of us
when I say that New York and everyone from there
can fornicate themselves with an iron stick,
( horns honking )
WE\'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR CHURCH,
MOVE IT! DAMN LEAFERS,
CHRIS, QUIT IT,
MOM, CHRIS PUT HIS FOOT ON MY SIDE AGAIN,
I CAN\'T HELP IT,
I HAVE THESE LONG DANCER\'S LEGS,
MOVE IT!
MEG, STOP YOUR WHINING,
CHRIS, STAY ON YOUR OWN SIDE,
LOIS, FOR GOD SAKE, GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOME PARENTING,
IF YOU KIDS DON\'T KNOCK IT OFF
WE\'RE NOT GOING TO McDONALD\'S AFTER CHURCH,
-MOM! -MOM!
DON\'T WORRY, WE\'RE GOING,
B-B-BUT,,,
YOU DON\'T GET TO SUPER SIZE,
OH,,,
OKAY, YOU CAN SUPER SIZE
BUT NO APPLE PIE,
OH, COME ON,
OKAY, YOU GET AN APPLE PIE
BUT YOU CAN\'T BLOW ON IT,
PETER, DON\'T CONTRADICT ME IN FRONT OF THE KIDS,
LOIS, BROTHERS AND SISTERS FIGHTING
IS AS NATURAL AS A WHITE MAN\'S DIALOGUE IN A SPIKE LEE MOVIE,
WUSSUP? CAN I GET TWO SLICES OF PEPPERONI?
( snarling and growling )
WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?
DAMN NEW YORKERS,
THEY TOOK ALL THE GOOD SEATS,
AREN\'T YOU PRECIOUS?
( hissing ) ( screams )
( laughing)
SOME OF MY NOVELTY ITEMS
WERE PROVIDED BY JACK\'S JOKE SHOP
OF SOUTH ATTLEBORO, MASSACHUSETTS,
REMEMBER, IF IT AIN\'T FUNNY, IT AIN\'T WORTH JACK,
I\'D LIKE TO WELCOME
ALL OUR OUT-OF-TOWN PARISHIONERS,
MY COUSIN, FATHER SAPIENZA
IS IN FROM NEW YORK TO SEE THE LEAVES
AND I\'D LIKE TO INVITE HIM
TO DO THE OPENING PRAYER,
YO, GOD IS GOOD, HUH?
AND HE EXPECTS US TO BE GOOD, AND IF YOU\'RE NOT
HE\'S GOING TO COME DOWN AND BUST YOUR FREAKIN\' SKULL, AMEN,
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU\'RE TALKING TO?
YOUR GOD AIN\'T TOUGHER THAN ME,
YOU CAN\'T TALK TO THE FATHER LIKE THAT
YOU STUPID GAVONE,
I OUGHT TO COME OVER THERE AND BREAK YOUR FREAKIN\' ARM,
YOU WANT TO GO, TOUGH GUY?
I\'LL SNAP YOU IN HALF
LIKE AN ALMOND BISCOTTI FROM BELARO\'S ON 51st STREET,
BEST IN THE CITY,
FELLAS, THIS IS GOD\'S HOUSE
AND THE PATRIOTS KICK OFF IN ABOUT 45 MINUTES
SO COULD WE MOVE THIS ALONG?
PATRIOTS SUCK!
( gasps ): BLASPHEMY!
( screams )
IT BURNS! AH, GEE!
"HOLY WATER"?
WHERE\'S THAT ACID I ORDERED?
HEY, GUIDO, WATCH THIS,
( whistling and whirring)
WHOA! I\'VE GOT TO LAY OFF THE COFFEE,
HOT-CHA-CHA, CHA-CHA!
THAT\'S JACK\'S, EXIT 14 OFF 295,
TAE-JITSU IS ABOUT POWER FOR YOUR BODY AND YOUR MIND,
DON\'T BE AFRAID TO FREE THE BEAST INSIDE YOU,
LEFT KICK! RIGHT KICK!
PUNCH COMBO! STOMP!
BEAUTIFUL! AGAIN!
LEFT KICK!
WOW, YOU\'RE DOING GREAT FOR YOUR FIRST LESSON,
I\'M REALLY CUTTING LOOSE JUST LIKE JULIE ANDREWS
IN THAT MOVIE WHERE SHE SHOWED HER BREASTS,
OH, MARY, YOU\'LL NEVER LEAVE US, WILL YOU?
YES, THOSE ARE LOVELY
BUT IT DOESN\'T QUITE ANSWER OUR QUESTION,
JETS RULE!
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU\'RE GOING, WILL YOU?
HEY, HORACE, PUT THE PATS GAME ON THE TV
AND GET ME A FEW BEERS, HUH?
SORRY, PETER, SOMEONE STOLE THE REMOTES
AND THE KEGS, AND I\'M NOT SURE
BUT I THINK I\'VE BEEN SHOT,
YEP,
HEY, PAL, WATCH MY SEAT,
I GOT TO BLEED THE LIZARD,
( unzipping and tinkling)
PUBLIC URINATION IS JUST WRONG
EXCEPT DURING THE MILLION MAN MARCH
WHEN PROTESTERS BURNED OUR PORT-A-POTTIES,
THEN I USED MY STREAM OF JUSTICE TO PUT OUT THE HATE,
I DON\'T KNOW, FELLAS
I THINK THERE\'S POTENTIAL IN THIS CROWD,
( snickers )
HEY, HONEY, WHY DON\'T YOU TURN AROUND
AND SHOW ME THE LOWER EAST SIDE?
( deep voice ): SURE,
WHOA! TRANSVESTITE! BACK OFF!
WAIT A SEC-- PRE-OP OR POST-OP?
PRE-OP,
WHOA! TRANSVESTITE! BACK OFF!
YOU\'RE RIGHT, THIS PLACE BLOWS,
WE GOT TO SEND THESE STRAP-HANGERS
BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM,
DON\'T WORRY, I GOT AN IDEA
AN IDEA SO SMART, MY HEAD WOULD EXPLODE
IF I EVEN BEGIN TO KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT,
( Peter yelling )
I AM A MAN-EATING TREE,
GO BACK TO NEW YORK OR I WILL EAT YOU
JUST LIKE I ATE INSANE NEW YORK ANCHORMAN DAN RATHER,
( spits )
AND LOOK WHO I HAD FOR DESSERT:
ASEXUAL FORMER MAYOR ED KOCH,
( spits )
LEAVE MY LAND
OR I WILL SMITE YOU WITH MY POWERFUL LIMB,
WHAT? ARE YOU NUTS?
GIVE ME THAT BRANCH,
OH! GET OFF OF ME,
( yelling )
WHY, YOU,,,
OH, MY GOD!
STOP FIGHTING, ( yelling )
( groaning )
HOLY CRAP,
OH, MY GOD,
MOM, YOU COULD BE A WORLD CHAMPION
AND NO ONE COULD HIT YOU BELOW THE BELT
\'CAUSE GIRLS DON\'T HAVE ANYTHING DOWN THERE,
CAN YOU TEACH ME TO KICK ASS?
OH, NO, I DO NOT CONDONE VIOLENCE
AND I AM NOT GOING TO BE RESPONSIBLE
FOR BRINGING FIST FIGHTING INTO OUR SCHOOLS,
GEE, LOIS, CAN YOU HEAR ME ALL THE WAY BACK THERE IN THE \'50s?
OH, THAT WAS LAME,
OH, POOR PETER,
I EMASCULATED HIM IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE,
I THINK HE\'S REALLY UPSET,
Peter ( on bullhorn ): GATHER \'ROUND, EVERYBODY,
TEN BUCKS IS ALL IT TAKES,
STEP RIGHT UP AND FIGHT MY WIFE,
( gasps )
COME ONE, COME ALL,
SHE FLOATS LIKE A BUTTERFLY
AND STINGS LIKE WHEN I PEE,
PETER, I AM NOT A SIDESHOW ATTRACTION
AT LEAST NOT ANYMORE,
ME LIKEY BOUNCEY! ME LIKEY BOUNCEY!
I WANT YOU TO GET RID
OF ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW
\'CAUSE I AM NEVER FIGHTING AGAIN, EVER,
COME ON, CHRIS, WE\'LL HAVE TO GO TO PLAN "B,"
( crowd murmuring )
( growls )
OH, NO! AH! OH, GOD!
OH, MY GOD! HELP ME!
HELP ME, FOR GOD\'S SAKES!
HE\'S GOING TO KILL ME!
HELP!
( gasps )
DON\'T WORRY, IT\'S A TRAINED BEAR,
HE\'S IN NO REAL DANGER,
( grunts )
OH, HE\'S TEACHING A CLASS,
I-I CAN\'T BOTHER HIM NOW,
SURE YOU CAN,
HEY, HEY, RALPH MACCHIO,
MY WIFE HERE NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU,
THERE YOU GO, HONEY,
WHAT IS IT, LOIS?
I, UH,,,
I DON\'T THINK I SHOULD DO TAE-JITSU ANYMORE,
I\'M AFRAID I\'M GOING TO HURT SOMEONE,
BUT, LOIS, YOU\'RE MY STAR PUPIL,
I WANT YOU IN MY ADVANCED CLASS,
ADVANCED CLASS?
NO, NO, NO,
I\'M TRYING TO QUIT,
WELL, FINE, QUIT
BUT GET USED TO PEOPLE WALKING ALL OVER YOU,
W-W-W-WAIT, HOLD ON THERE,
NOBODY WALKS ALL OVER MY WIFE \'CAUSE I WON\'T LET THEM,
PETER,,,
QUIET, LOIS, MEN ARE TALKING,
SHE LEARNS THINGS EVENTUALLY,
IT JUST TAKES HER LONGER,
COME ON, HONEY, WE\'RE OUT OF HERE,
IF YOU HURRY, I\'LL LET YOU TRY ON HATS,
I WON\'T LET YOU BUY, BUT YOU CAN TRY THEM ON,
I\'LL DO IT,
( grunting and growling )
( yells )
OW!
( crying )
STEWIE, YOU WANT TO SWING?
YES, WHY NOT?
I\'LL HAVE A GO AT IT,
PERHAPS A QUICK STRETCH FIRST,
( cracking )
OOH, DAMN,
MUST HAVE PULLED SOMETHING PLAYING HOOPS LAST WEEK,
I KNOW YOU\'RE NOT PUTTING THAT ROCK UP FROM HERE,
YOU AIN\'T GOT NO J,
YO, MAN, THAT\'S TRIPPIN\',
BROTHER, PLEASE, YOU\'RE THE ONE WHO\'S TRIPPIN\',
GO ON, CRY HOME TO YOUR MAMA,
SHE WAITIN\' FOR YA,
NOW, DON\'T MAKE ME
PUT MY SIZE 13s UP YOUR NARROW ASS!
I DON\'T SWEAT, YOU, BRING IT ON, BITCH,
NOW, HOW YOU GOING TO ACT?
GEEZ, BRINGING THAT TRASH IN HERE,
THIS IS MY HOUSE,
EXCUSE ME, WE WERE ABOUT TO USE THAT,
YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE, LADY,
YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES,
EITHER MY BABY SWINGS FROM THIS JUNGLE GYM
OR YOU DO,
OOH, LOIS, SOMEONE\'S WEARING THEIR OVARIES ON THE OUTSIDE,
SHE SAW ME WALKING TO THE SWING,
YES, YES, SHE SAW YOU, EASY, NOW,
NOBODY WALKS ALL OVER ME,
THOSE DAYS ARE OVER,
LOIS GRIFFIN DEMANDS RESPECT,
( Stewie screams )
( grunts )
( sniffs )
OH, I SMELL A MESSY DIAPER,
GOD, WHY DOES THAT TURN ME ON?
HOLD IT, MEG, THOSE TWO ARE MINE,
WHAT?
THAT\'S RANDY AND THAT\'S FRED,
RANDY IS THE MESSY ONE,
FRED\'S VERY NEAT,
WHEN YOU GET THEM TOGETHER--
HOO-HOO!-- HOLD ON TO YOUR SIDES,
NICE TO MEET YOU BOTH,
( gasps )
MURDERER!
STOP IT! BOTH OF YOU!
STARTING NOW, YOU TWO
ARE GOING TO LOVE EACH OTHER,
NOW, STAY THAT WAY,
IT\'S GOING TO BE WEIRD TO POTTY,
SHEESH, LOIS, LOOK AT THE GARBAGE
THOSE DAMN LEAFERS DUMPED ON OUR LAWN,
NEW YORK POST, NEW YORK MAGAZINE
THE NEW YORK METS,
PETER, I\'M SICK AND TIRED
OF HEARING YOU WHINE ABOUT THE LEAFERS,
TAKE SOME ACTION,
FREE THE BEAST!
( crowd gasps )
( Lois grunting )
THAT WAS STRANGELY AROUSING,
OW!
( grunting )
HELLO, 911?
IT\'S QUAGMIRE,
YEAH, YEAH, IT\'S IN A WINDOW THIS TIME,
WOW, LOOK AT THEM RUN,
WAIT A SECOND, BRIAN,
THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA,
THE DRUNKEN CLAM?
WHY COULDN\'T WE GO SOMEPLACE FANCY
LIKE THE OLIVE GARDEN?
OH, THE BREADSTICKS,
ME LIKEY BREADSTICKS, ME LIKEY,,,
YOU\'RE A BIG GIRL NOW, STOP IT,
HOLD-HOLD-HOLD ON, LOIS,
EXCUSE ME, NEW YORKER,
I THINK YOU\'RE IN MY SEAT AND I HAD SEX
WITH YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT,
PETER, ARE YOU CRAZY?
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
ABOUT THE SEAT
OR ABOUT MY PLOWING YOUR FATHER\'S WIFE?
HEY, OOH!
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
EXCUSE ME, IS YOUR REFRIGERATOR RUNNING?
BECAUSE IF IT IS, IT PROBABLY RUNS LIKE YOU--
VERY HOMOSEXUALLY,
WHAT?!
HOW? YOU WANT TO DANCE?
JETS SUCK, YANKEES SUCK, KNICKS SUCK,
KRYPTON SUCKS,
All: HMM?
( all screaming )
THAT\'S RIGHT, GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM, YOU BASTARDS,
WE\'LL CONCLUDE TODAY\'S GRADUATION CEREMONY
WITH A DEMONSTRATION BY THE BLACK BELTS,
OKAY, PEOPLE, LET\'S SHOW \'EM WHAT WE\'VE LEARNED,
KATHY, GET IN THERE WITH LOIS,
UH,,, I CAN\'T, I HAVE CRAMPS,
WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME UP AGAINST THE SCRUBS, JARED?
WHY DON\'T YOU BE A MAN AND FIGHT ME YOURSELF?
WELL, LOIS, THE SENSEI IS A SACRED POSITION,
I COULD NEVER VIOLATE THE SPIRITUAL BOND
OF THE STUDENT-MASTER RELATIONSHIP,
OH, THEN ALLOW ME,
All: OOH,
THE BOND IS BROKEN,
THEN SPIN THE WHEEL, RAGGEDY MAN,
GO, LOIS! PUMMEL HIM
WITH YOUR POWERFUL FISTS OF FEMALE FURY!
AND THEN, WHEN HE\'S WEARY, EMASCULATE HIM
WITH YOUR INCESSANT NAGGING,
HUH, WOMEN-- YAKETY-YAK, YAKETY-YAK-YAK,
YOU KNOW, HUH?
ENJOY THE FIGHT,
EE-YAH!
LOIS, THAT WAS AMAZING,
CONGRATULA,,,
( smooches )
THIS IS MINE,
THIS IS WHERE MY BABIES COME FROM,
And now back to the movie of the week,,,
If this glacier goes slower
than one mile a year
we\'re all dead!
Tell me something I don\'t know,
Get out of the way!
LOIS, I WAS WATCHING THAT,
WHATCHA,,, WHATCHA LOOKING AT?
THE UNDERPANTS, LOSE \'EM,
UH, ACTUALLY, I-I KINDA, I SORTA HAVE A HEADACHE, KINDA,
SEE, YOU KNOW, MAYBE TOMORROW OR, UH,,,
-TAKE \'EM OFF, -YEAH, OH-OH-OKAY, HONEY,
WHOA, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
THOSE ARE MY GRAHAM CRACKERS,
RUN ALONG, STEWIE,
DADDY HAD A ROUGH NIGHT,
WHY, YOU TOTTERING FEN-SUCKED DEWBERRY,
I\'M GOING TO GO FIND SOMETHING TO STRIKE YOU WITH,
EXCUSE ME,
GOOD MORNING,
PETER, YOU LOOK TERRIBLE, WHAT HAPPENED?
LAST NIGHT, LOIS WAS,,, THE MAN,
GOOD LORD,
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, BRIAN--
I DIDN\'T CRY,
( sobbing )
IT\'S OKAY, IT\'S OKAY,
( sobbing )
OH, NO, PETER!
STEWIE, WHAT DID YOU DO?
IT LOOKS LIKE HE FREED THE BEAST
ALL OVER THE BACK OF PETER\'S HEAD,
OH, MY GOD,
THIS IS MY FAULT,
THIS IS MY FAULT-- I BROUGHT VIOLENCE INTO THIS HOUSE,
I\'M THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD,
AHA! I GOT IT ALL ON TAPE,
Stewie: Okay, um, this is me interviewing Ed Sullivan,
W-what\'s new, Ed?
( imitating Ed Sullivan : Well, Stewie, tonight we have a really big show,
Stewie: Okay, okay, and now a word from our sponsors,
It takes a very steady hand,
Don\'t touch the sides,
( imitates buzzer ) Butterfingers,
I-I WAS MAKING RADIO SHOWS FOR FUN,
E-EVERYBODY DOES IT,
AT LEAST, E-EVERYBODY I KNOW,
SHUT UP!
NOW, STEWART, I WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS MOMMY DOLL
AND THIS DADDY DOLL
AND SHOW ME HOW THEY ACT TOGETHER,
OH, YES, VERY WELL,
ALL RIGHT, UM,,,
YOU SEE, MARGARET, AFTER 20-ODD YEARS OF MARRIAGE
YOUR CURIOUS INDISCRETIONS NO LONGER FAZE ME,
( falsetto ): REALLY? AND I SUPPOSE YOU THINK
I ENJOY HANGING ONTO THOSE HAMMOCKY DEPOSITS OF GIN SUGARS
YOU CALL BUTTOCKS?
WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT DID YOU JUST WRITE THERE?
GIVE ME THAT,
"INSECURITY"? "GENDER CONFUSION"?
I\'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO WRITE ABOUT,
LOOK AT ME-- I\'M INSANE,
I\'M MARTIN LAWRENCE ON A BENDER,
( shrieking )
MR, AND MRS, GRIFFIN
DOES STEWART HAVE A HISTORY OF AGGRESSION?
NO, NO, HITTING PETER
IS THE FIRST VIOLENT THING HE\'S EVER DONE,
WELL, TECHNICALLY, THE FIRST ACT OF VIOLENCE
WAS THAT TIME BOMB I LEFT TICKING IN YOUR UTERUS
BEFORE I CAME OUT,
HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY, LOIS,
IT\'S OBVIOUS THAT YOUR SON
IS LEARNING THIS BEHAVIOR FROM SOMEONE,
I, UH, I-I KNOW WHO\'S RESPONSIBLE
FOR STEWIE\'S BEHAVIOR
BUT IF I TOLD YOU WHO IT WAS
LOIS WOULD BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF ME,
NOW, JUST A MINUTE, ( shrieks )
THE WHOLE REASON I STARTED FIGHTING
IS BECAUSE OF YOU,
I FELT WEAK,
Y-Y-YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME,
YOU UNDERMINE ME IN FRONT OF THE KIDS
AND BESIDES, YOU\'RE NOT,,, YOU\'RE NOT EXACTLY
FATHER OF THE YEAR YOURSELF,
WELL, THERE SEEMS TO BE A LOT OF ANGER IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD,
YOU OWE IT TO YOUR SON TO LEARN HOW TO MANAGE THESE FEELINGS,
MANAGE WHAT?
I KNOW I WENT A LITTLE OVERBOARD WITH MY TAE-JITSU
BUT FROM NOW ON, WE\'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE
ANY MORE ANGER IN THIS HOUSE, OKAY?
THEN TELL CHRIS TO QUIT DRAWING PICTURES OF ME
WITH A PIG\'S BODY,
DON\'T CENSOR ME!
NO MORE ANGER!
OKAY,
THE PSYCHOLOGIST WANTS US
TO TRY AN EXERCISE CALLED ROLE REVERSAL
WHERE WE PRETEND TO BE THE PERSON WHO MAKES US ANGRY,
I\'LL GO FIRST,
( imitating Peter ): DON\'T LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, KIDS,
SHE\'S WORTHLESS AND DUMB AND IGNORE HER
AND ONLY LISTEN TO ME, PETER,
I\'M LOIS, I BRAKE FOR YARD SALES
BUT I DON\'T LET PETER BUY ANYTHING HE LIKES
LIKE THAT NARRAGANSET BEER SIGN
WHERE THE HOT CHICK HAS TWO MUGS FOR JUGS,
IT WAS EIGHT FREAKIN\' DOLLARS
AND WE HAVE A DOZEN PLACES TO PUT IT!
OOH, OOH, ME NEXT, ME NEXT,
I\'M THE DOG,
I\'M WELL-READ AND HAVE A DIVERSE STOCK PORTFOLIO
BUT I\'M NOT ABOVE EATING GRASS CLIPPINGS AND REGURGITATING THEM
ON THE SMALL BRAIDED RUG NEAR THE DOOR,
I\'M A POMPOUS LITTLE ANTI-CHRIST
WHO WILL PROBABLY ABANDON MY PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION
WHEN I GROW UP AND FALL IN LOVE WITH A ROUGH TRICK NAMED JIM,
WHOA, WHOA, PETER, CALM DOWN,
I\'M SICK OF LOIS\' ANGER MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES,
THEY\'RE NOT WORKING,
WHAT ABOUT THE WRITING ANGRY LETTERS
AND NOT SENDING THEM EXERCISE?
OH, GEEZ, I WASN\'T SUPPOSED TO SEND THOSE?
Meg: HEY, LOOK, I GOT A LETTER FROM DAD,
"DEAR MEG, FOR THE FIRST FOUR YEARS OF YOUR LIFE
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A HOUSE CAT,"
DAD!
"DEAR STEWIE, GET OUT,"
OH, THAT\'S NICE,
MINE JUST SAYS "DEAR LOIS"
AND AFTER THAT IT LOOKS LIKE
SOMEONE JUST SPIT ON THE PAPER,
YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?
YEAH, "P,S,,,"
( sustained snorting )
OH, OH, HOLD ON A SEC,
( hawking loudly )
HOLD ON, HOLD ON, RELAX, EVERYBODY RELAX,
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I WAS HOPING IT WOULDN\'T COME TO THIS
BUT WE NEED TO GET OUR ANGER UNDER CONTROL
BEFORE WE KILL EACH OTHER,
NOW MY PSYCHIATRIST GAVE ME THESE PILLS,
THEY\'RE MOOD ELEVATORS,
I THINK THEY COULD HELP, UH,,, EVEN US OUT,
WE\'RE NOT TAKING PILLS,
IT\'S NOT NATURAL,
NEITHER IS BLEACHING THE HAIR ON YOUR UPPER LIP, MARTIN MULL,
GIVE US THE PILLS,
( chanting ): ♪♪ AH-OOM, BOP-BOP, AH-OOM, BOP-BOP ♪♪
♪♪ HEY, OH, MOTHER AFRICA! ♪
♪♪ AH-OOM, BOP-BOP, ♪♪
AH, THAT WAS FUN,
WHAT COUNTRY SHOULD WE DO NEXT?
MONACO,
OH, WAIT, THAT\'S A PRINCIPALITY,
( laughing )
YOU GUYS WANT TO HEAR
SOMETHING REALLY FUNNY?
THOSE PILLS I GAVE YOU WERE PLACEBOS, SUGAR PILLS,
( laughing )
WAIT A MINUTE, ARE YOU TELLING ME
I JUST SANG LADYSMITH BLACK MAMBAZO FOR NOTHING?
DID IT KILL YOU TO BE MULTICULTURAL FOR A MINUTE?
I-I-I DIED A LITTLE INSIDE, YES,
YOU HAPPY NOW?
DON\'T YOU USE THAT TONE OF VOICE, YOU, YOU,,,
WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO SAY, FAT ASS?
WIDE LOAD? DOUGH BOY?
COUNTRY VIRTUOSO ROY CLARK?
HOW ABOUT ALL OF THE ABOVE?
HOW\'S THIS FOR A NAME--
MS, PONY EXPRESS IS IN,
WHAT DO YOU GOT FOR ME, JOE?
OH, LET ME SEE HERE, UH, IT\'S HERE SOMEWHERE,
UH, YEAH, HERE WE ARE,
A BIG BAG OF LIVER SPOTS FOR LOIS,
YOU,,, YOU JUST HIT ME,
THAT\'S RIGHT,
YOU CAN\'T HIT ME,
I\'M A GIRL,
SOMETIMES I WONDER,
( gasps )
KICKING, LOIS?
HUH, HURTS, DOESN\'T IT?
YOU TELL ME,
OW! OW! OW!
OW! OH!
GO, DAD!
KICK HER ASS!
SHUT UP, THIS IS ALL DAD\'S FAULT,
I DON\'T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED!
( screaming )
OW! OW!
( screaming )
OOH! OW! OW!
( screaming )
( laughing)
( all laughing )
MAN, I\'M GLAD WE GOT THAT OUT OF OUR SYSTEMS,
I WONDER WHAT CAME OVER US?
MAYBE PEOPLE ARE JUST NATURALLY VIOLENT,
I DON\'T BELIEVE THAT,
I THINK IT\'S ALL THE TV WE WATCH,
THERE\'S SO MUCH VIOLENCE,
YEAH, TV IS DANGEROUS,
WHY THE HELL DOESN\'T THE GOVERNMENT STEP IN
AND TELL US WHAT WE CAN AND CAN\'T WATCH?
AND SHAME ON THE NETWORK THAT PUTS THIS JUNK ON THE AIR,
UH, PETER, PETER, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN\'T
SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT THE NETWORK,
WHY, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO, CUT OUR BUDGET?
I\'M GOING TO GO GET A BEER,