PREVIOUSLY ON WHISKEY ON THE ROCKS
The Russians have launched a potential attack against Sweden,
A 262-foot Soviet submarine is 150 feet from land
inside a restricted military area,
-What do you call this? A picnic? -Are you ready to cast the first stone?
Assume attack formation,
[Henriksson] At war with the Soviet Union with a Bolshevik-hating chief,
I don't think it could get much worse,
These are my orders, Hold the border,
We have a buffoon for a prime minister,
[phones ringing]
We have three surveillance planes over your goddamn submarine,
We need to know if it is carrying any nuclear missiles,
[bangs table]
Go to hell!
Go to frequency-hopping,
-We only use that during war, -[Karlsson] We are at war,
[Bortnik] If the Swedes attempt to board the submarine,
you'll have to blow up that piece of shit with yourself still onboard,
[screaming]
THIS SERIES IS INSPIRED BY A TRUE STORY
SOME CHARACTERS AND LOCATIONS HAVE BEEN ALTERED
FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY
QUITE A FEW, TO BE HONEST,,,
CITY HOTEL KARLSKRONA
[General Lagerkrantz] Damn Bolsheviks,
And that goddamn Commander Karlsson,
who managed to issue military orders in collusion with the PM,
As if the communists would yield to some light artillery,
-Or what do you say, Håkansson? -It's Martinsson,
This is the deal, If we let civilians rule,
they'd drive this country to ruin,
And that upstart commander is not to be trusted either, No,
-Calling the sheep farmer,,, -Yeah,
-What a fucking joke, -Indeed, Yes, it's,,,
-[knocking] -Great, He's here,
Who?
The expert, Börje Ljungklint, from FOA in Stockholm,
-The expert? -Yup,
Welcome to Karlskrona,
-Come on in, Börje, -Yes, Thank you,
That's,,, two Börje,
This is my colleague, Martin Håkansson,
-Håkan Martinsson, -Right,
-I'll take those for you, -Right, Okay,
[Håkan clears throat]
-[Lagerkrantz]Well,,, -Be careful!
Well, these instruments are for detecting gamma radiation,
-Yes, -If there is any,
And how close to the sub do you have to be to detect radioactivity?
Well, with this tiny instrument, I probably have to be onboard,
or at least right next to the sub,
to detect if there are any nuclear weapons onboard,
I have to scan over quite a large area, so it'll take a while,
And a while is,,,?
Well, upwards of one hour,
-An hour? -Yes, half an hour,
Goddamn it,
[Lagerkrantz sighs]
So what do we do now?
You pour us some coffee, Håkansson, I need to think,
Uh,,, What,,, um,,,
Do you take sugar in your coffee?
No, but I'd love a dash of milk,
Right,
I'm done thinking,
Mmm, But we'll wait for the cover of the night,
Uh, right, it's,,,
It's already dark outside now,
-Even darker, Håkansson, -Martinsson,
[knocking]
General, I came as soon as I could,
-At ease, -As soon as I could,
Very good, Hammarberg, I know you're a rock in a stormy ocean,
Come on in,
General, I'm with you and my elite unit is with me,
When you need us, just say the word,
I'm bringing two civilians?
-Um, what? -What the fuck, Börje?
[stammers] Hi, Well, my expertise may be of some use,
And I'm backed by tons of skilled officials,
I can kill with my bare hands,,, if needed,
[echo of sonar]
[background chattering]
[exhales] Dimitry, wake up,
Apparently, the captain received orders from the high command
to blow the submarine to high hell if the Swedes capture it,
What?
[Popov] Mmm,
Is there enough green?
Yeah, I suppose so,
Uh, Captain, is my makeup okay?
-It's not makeup, It's camouflage, -Right,
So what do we do now?
Decisiveness is a virtue, Martinsson, Now, show some courage, ability and vigor,
Take your gear and get in the boat,
From now on we operate in total silence and darkness, Is that clear?
-Yup, Understood, Captain Hammarberg, -Good,
-Brr! It's cold, -Civilian, stop whining,
Mmm,
-Uh,,,, Total silence, -What's that?
What about the total silence?
That was just a test, Just a test,
It was a test,
Row, Martinsson,
Row?
-[Ljungklint] Captain, I feel a bit-- -[Hammarberg] Shh!
The bobbing is making me a bit nauseous, I've always been prone to motion sickness,
-I think it's my balance-- -[whispers] Focus on the mission!
The water is dead fucking calm, Martinsson, row,
Let me know when we're coming up on the target,
Coming up on the target,
Where the hell,,,
-Captain, I think-- -Shh, Total silence,
-Total silence, Ljungklint, -Yes, but--
-Captain, I think-- -Shh,
Civilian, what don't you fucking understand?
[banging]
-[alarm blares] -Alarm! Alarm! Battle stations!
-What the,,,? -[Hammarberg] Back up, Back up, back up,,,
-Come on! Hurry up! -[alarm blares]
Comrade Captain, the Swedes are trying to board,
What do we do?
Don't let them onboard,
[background chattering]
-Shoot them if you have to, goddamn it! -Understood,
-[Hammarberg] Why didn't you say anything? -I tried,
[Hammarberg] Turn, Turn around,
-Huh? -Turn around!
[alarm blares]
Hurry up! Hurry up! Come on!
[submarine siren blares]
-Retreat! -Yes,
-[Martinsson] Start the damn engine! -[officer] Goddamn it, stay alert!
Why don't we just,,,? Let's put our hands in the air and surrender, huh?
-[siren blares] -Fucking Lagerkrantz,
-[Hammarberg] Don't shoot! Abort! -[Martinsson] I'm panicking!
[Hammarberg] Fishermen! Fishermen!
-Fishermen! -We're fishermen!
Don't,,, Don't get water on the bags!
[Hammarberg] Fucking piece of shit engine!
[Ljungklint] Careful with the equipment, Yeah,
-[engine starts] -[Hammarberg] Yes!
THE SOVIET EMBASSY STOCKHOLM
-Kosygina listening, -[Brezhnev] Who?
Kosygina listening,
[Brezhnev] Yes,
-It's me, you fucking asshole, -[clickety-clack of typewriter]
You spineless toad,
It's an honor that you remember me,
The damn Swedes attacked with a rowboat,
Tell their hog-nosed prime minister to surrender, Understood?
-I think I understand, -That's it,
-And-- -I don't have time for you anymore,
I need to go take a shit,
Fix this issue so I can communicate better
with the moron on the sub,
[disconnect tone]
[sighs]
Ah, Good morning, Ola, Welcome, You're bringing me the latest news?
-I'm angry, I think, -How come?
Did you order them to board the submarine without consulting me?
-What? -The Russian ambassador,
she claims that Sweden attempted to board the sub last night by rowboat,
What did you just say?
I'm going to tell him a thing or two,
-Who? -Lagerkrantz!
[telephone rings]
-Yes? -[Barbro] They've called again,
asking for you,
Who?
Reagan, Brezhnev, Solveig,
Shall I call them back in said order?
No,
Could you have them bring the car around?
Are you going somewhere?
Yes, To the Soviet Embassy,
Call them to let them know I'm on my way,
Why do you recall me to Stockholm in the middle of an ongoing invasion?
[Thorbjörn] Well, I just have one little question,
-Yes? -What are you up to?
What do you mean?
Don't act stupid,
I think there's only one person on this planet
who could come up with the bright idea
of attacking a Soviet submarine in a rowboat
and that's you, Börje,
What were you trying to do?
I tasked an expert from FOA, Börje Ljungklint,
with measuring radioactivity,
-As if one Börje wasn't enough, -Please, Thorbjörn--
Prime Minister Fälldin,
But,,, [sighs] for fuck's sake, Mr, Prime Minister,
we need to know if there are nuclear weapons onboard,
And you decided to find out without speaking to me first?
Or to the secretary of state,
or to Commander Karlsson who's in charge of the operation?
You're always busy,
That, that, that,,, That's called a coup,
-But, uh,,, -You will not approach the submarine
with your measuring instruments again without my approval,
Is that clear?
Yes, damn it,
Good, Börje, Good,
Then we've reached an understanding in the matter, You're dismissed,
Or as we civilians say,,, get lost,
-[Martinsson] General, what do we do now? -We attempt to approach the sub again,
-But the prime minister said-- -He's a sheep farmer, Håkansson,
Right, exactly, A sheep farmer, that's what he is,
-That's right, -Yes,
It's Martinsson, but,,, Yeah,
[Thorbjörn] Thank you for seeing me without prior notice,
-The prime minister is always welcome, -Thank you,
Not least in these troubled times,
Please, have a seat, Mr, Prime Minister,
[Thorbjörn] We don't know each other, but we have actually met once before,
Uh, the welcome banquet at the State Department
when you were just new, Miss Ambassador,
-I remember very well, -You struck me as both wise and likable,
but most importantly, you speak Swedish,
-[chuckles] -Even though, without boasting I can say
that I'm decently skilled at quite a few things,
I must admit that languages are not my cup of tea, so to speak,
[both laugh]
I also don't like involving interpreters in conversations,
Some things are best sorted out one-on-one,
But now both Reagan and Brezhnev are hounding me,
and so far I've managed to elude them, but it won't last much longer,
The situation we're in feels too important
to let confusion of tongues play a part,
I understand,
Like I said, wise and likable,
By the way, how come you speak Swedish?
As a girl, I was trained to infiltrate the Swedish government offices,
My cover name was to be Rose-Marie Ekdahl,
Uh,,,
You're kidding?
Not at all,
Some candor can't hurt when we're one misstep from war,
I'm under pressure from Moscow,
I believe you understand, Mr, Prime Minister,
We, um,,, You and I both,,,
We're under pressure, but from different directions,
Comrade Brezhnev, he's displeased, to put it mildly,
that you attacked us with a,,,
with a rowboat last night,
Well, not as displeased as I am,
I've inherited an idiot as commander in chief,
And no more rowboats, I promise,
Are you a country girl originally?
Yes,
I'm from Kolga, a small village in Estonia,
-Agriculture? -No, sheep,
Aleksandra!
[chuckles] What?
[reporter] Here is the commander-in-chief arriving from Stockholm
to address the highly serious situation that has arisen in Karlskrona,
I find it strange that Stockholmers
and fancy folk can't travel by train and bus like regular folk,
[report continues on TV]
Yeah, [stammers] It's strange, It is,
Yeah,
[Lagerkrantz] Do you even realize what's at stake?
The Bolsheviks will seize Sweden to impose the dictatorship of the proletariat,
Norway and Denmark will follow, It won't take more than 15 minutes,
Yes, but are we really sure,,,
I have to prove that the sub is armed with nuclear weapons,
Or I'll never convince them,
-Who? -Fälldin and Ullsten,
Right, Yes,
The rowboat wasn't exactly a smash hit,
There was nothing wrong with the idea, You couldn't navigate,
That's why we have to trick them, Not sneak, just trick them,
General, can't you just ask them if they have nuclear weapons?
-The Bolsheviks? -Yes,
There's a reason why I'm the general and you're my second,
Listen, We have to get very close,
long enough for Ljungklint to be able to do his job properly,
-How long did he need? -Thirty minutes,
That's half an eternity, goddamn it,
[breathes unevenly]
-How is he doing? -Who?
Ljungklint!
Well, he easily gets motion sickness,
-[stammers] How are you doing? -What? No, I'm okay,
-You're okay? -Yeah,
He's okay,
[Thorbjörn] Allmoge sheep, Gotland sheep, Dalapäls sheep, Finn sheep,
Helsinge sheep, Klövsjö sheep, fur sheep,
which are easily mistaken for Gute sheep,
Roslag sheep,,, I mean, I can keep going all day, It's,,,
In the Soviet Union, we have more than 25 breeds
and 40 million sheep in total, in all our time zones,
Comrade Ambassador, Comrade Brezhnev is on the phone,
Tell him I have an audience with the king or something,
If it's important, ask him to send a fax,
Should I lie to the secretary-general?
Can't you see that I'm busy?
I see that now, Apologies, Comrade Ambassador,
What was that about?
Apparently, Brezhnev is in a hurry, but he'll simply have to wait,
Now, where were we?
I believe we were talking about sheep,
[chuckles]
KARLSKRONA AIRBASE
If we could just openly offer the Russians something they really need,
what the hell, pizza or anything,
Do Russians really eat pizza, General?
-I've got it! -What?
A radio mast, We offer them a radio mast
so that they can communicate with ships in international waters and with Moscow,
We'll install it on the hull, That'll take at least half an hour,
Well, or it, uh,,, Well, I'd say it takes 10 minutes tops,
At least half an hour, I said,
Absolutely, But if they can communicate with other ships
and Moscow, is that really such a good thing?
They can anyway, by telegraph,
But direct calls? Has the prime minister signed off on this?
Can you just stop going on about him all the fucking time?
What about the secretary of state?
Who gave Ceausescu the Order of the Seraphim?
Secretary of State Ullsten is a communist,
Are you sure of that, General?
Didn't he work for Nelson Rockefeller in New York for quite some time?
A communist, I said,
-Rockefeller too? -Well, I'm not ruling that out,
But one more thing, we need a cameraman,
Some good TV, that's never a bad thing,
And free press to put the Bolsheviks in a tizzy,
Yeah, [chuckles]
Go!
-[engine sputters] -[gags]
[Karlsson] I need to board the submarine, inspect it for weapons,
interrogate the captain, The question is how,
What if we could give them something they really need?
What do you think they miss the most onboard?
-Well, food, Warmth, -Good,
-Entertainment, -Good,
Some food can be arranged, I think they have extra blankets,
But,,, I just remembered what our own men use for entertainment,
If you run over to the barracks and flip every mattress,
I think we'll find what we need,
You're a genius, Anders,
Or an idiot, We'll see,
[Aleksandra] Thorbjörn, we must toast,
-Oh, thank you, Thank you, -[chuckles]
Na zdorovye, Mr, Prime Minister,
Na zdorovye,,,
Na zdorovye,
[clears throat] For you, from the secretary-general, Comrade Ambassador,
Thank you,,,
Comrade Akopova,
[Thorbjörn] Is it,,, Brezhnev?
Do you mind if I read it to you?
Well, we've already shared just about all of our secrets,
Comrade Brezhnev has a coarse language,
So do the sheep farmers back home, Go ahead, Read it,
"Aleksandra, you bastard,
Answer the phone when I call you, Contact,,,
that dick of a prime minister,,,
and demand they install a radio mast by the boat,
I have to be able to talk to Peskov and make him truly understand
that he should blow himself and the ship to smithereens on my command,"
Well, that was quite coarse,
I apologize for Chairman Brezhnev's language,
Never mind that, Never mind that, But this thing about,,,
blowing himself and the submarine to smithereens,,,
Just between you and me,,,
is it armed with nuclear weapons?
Honestly, I don't know,
But it wouldn't surprise me, We need to buy some time,
Buy some time?
A suggestion,
You ask for an audience with the prime minister this afternoon,
That's me, Due to the gravity of the situation,
I grant you an audience as early as tomorrow,
You state your business,
that is a request to have a radio mast built,
I promise to give you an answer the following day,
Nicely done, Thorbjörn,
You just bought us two more days,
Za zdorovye, Mr, Prime Minister,
-Skål, -[chuckles] Skål,
[Bortnik] Tarasenko!
[Henriksson over megaphone] Hello!
[Bortnik] I think they want to come onboard,
[Henriksson] Hello!
Uh,,, No, what,,, What language should I use?
They likely don't speak English,
So Russian?
You know Russian?
-No, -No, Let's try German,
Hello!
[in German] We have provisions and supplies for you!
Uh, how the hell do you say meatballs in German?
Fleischbällchen, I think,
Swedish Fleischbällchen!
-What? Cutlets? -Cutlets or what? I don't get it,
[in German] May we come onboard? Yes?
[knocking]
Comrade Captain,
Stop showing off,
Just tell me what you want,
Comrade Captain, you have visitors,
Visitors? Who?
Two Swedish naval captains from a vessel alongside us,
They want to come onboard to meet you,
Moreover, they gave us 60 servings of Swedish meatballs
with mashed potatoes, lingonberry jam and eight gallons of milk,
And this,
LAKRITS SHARIZA, SPACE GIRL
What the hell is this?
Fucking monarchists! Perverts!
What kind of a woman-hating country have we landed in?
No Swedes get onboard no matter what, You hear me?
They're bluffing! They're about to attack us!
Tell them to go to hell! Understand?
Uh, Captain Peskov sends his regards and thanks you for the gifts,
Uh, especially for the literature,
Uh,,, he said you may not come onboard,
Uh, bad stomach, Sick stomach,
Tell Captain Peskov that I'd like to meet him
when his stomach is feeling better,
Good,
Thank you,
-[♪ patriotic Russian music plays] -[Peskov breathing heavily]
♪ Unbreakable union of freeborn ♪
♪ Great Russia Has welded forever to stand ♪
♪ Created in struggle by will Of the united and mighty ♪
[Tarasenko] Captain!
Captain,
Captain!
I'll blow this damn piece of junk to hell!
We are all going to die anyway!
We're going to die!
-[Tarasenko] You bastard! -Let me go!
Help me! Please help me!
[grunting]
[grunting, yelling]
[grunting, groaning]
[Peskov] Sons of bitches!
I'm the captain of this ship, goddamn it!
You'll all be court-martialed! Court-martialed!
Sons of bitches! Bastards! [distorted echo]