Come, come, Up, up, up,
Wild, Bring up the caboose, No dawdling,
Wasn't Jesus Jewish?
Why yes, he was,
So, if we're Catholics, and we try and be like Jesus,
then why aren't we Jewish?
Well, that is no concern of yours,
Now, go along, then,
Catch up to the other girls,
You didn't answer my question,
♪ All the nonsense in your head ♪
♪ These days it gets so loud ♪
♪ Best you put it to rest ♪
♪ Mama says it won't be long ♪
♪ 'Til I get along with myself ♪
♪ I guess, I guess I never am ♪
♪ But it's all just as well ♪
♪ I'm gonna pull it together ♪
♪ Tuck me down until I get better ♪
♪ 'Til I get better ♪
♪ You know I'm gonna pull it together ♪
♪ Shake me out, I wanna get better ♪
♪ But I don't know how ♪
♪ Oh, please, oh, please, settle down ♪
♪ She said to me as I spun out ♪
♪ Off the handle again ♪
♪ I never was a good friend ♪
♪ In all my attempts ♪
♪ To kick myself out of this ♪
♪ I fell, I fell right on it ♪
♪ Tripped on that silver lining ♪
♪ I'm gonna pull it together ♪
♪ Tuck me down, until I get better ♪
♪ 'Til I get better ♪
♪ You know, I'm gonna pull it together ♪
♪ Shake me out ♪
♪ I wanna get better ♪
♪ But I don't know how ♪
♪ Hey kid, you've been down ♪
♪ You've got yourself some good company now ♪
Something else that's weird but true
in the day-to-day trenches of adult life,,,
There's actually no such thing as atheism,
There is no such thing as not worshipping,
Everybody worships,
The only choice we get is what to worship,
And a compelling reason for maybe choosing some sort
of God or spiritual type thing for worship,,,
Agnes, you gotta come out and look at these tomatoes,
They're huge!
Be it J,C, or Allah,
be it Yahweh or the Wiccan Mother Goddess,
or the Four Noble Truths, or some inviolable set
of ethical principles, means that pretty much anything
else you worship will eat you alive,
Please come out to the garden, now,
All right, all right, I was just trying to unwind,
Your idea of unwinding is most people's idea of winding
themselves up into a frenzy of fear and self-loathing,
Oh, my God,
Yes, A thousand times yes,
We gladly accept,
Who's we?
That's a perfect segue, actually,
Um, I wanted to talk to you about something,
Turns out, looks like, by the way, I'm pregnant, Surprise,
Yeah, I'm pregnant,
- Really? - Yeah,
Agnes! Welcome to the family, Agnes! Wonderful,
Ah, to life!
To life! L'chaim!
L'chaim, I'chaim, to life!
You're all here,
Oh, Glaucia and Abe didn't make it
because Glaucia has a new serum launch,
That's tonight,
All right, you get the moment,
Do you want to put some pants on?
Yes, Yes, I'd like to go put on some pants,
Thank you so much, Thank you,
You know what, Ruthie?
- What? - We're going to be grandparents!
Who hired the photographer?
My mom,
You could have warned me,
I asked her not to do it,
I was about to shower, but you rushed my process,
I'm sorry,
Oh, Levi, it's so beautiful, Thank you,
We're doing it,
Wait, having the baby, or getting married?
Both,
I'm glad you're glad, because up until right now
I was completely freaked out about it,
If you don't feel like you're ready to have a baby,
I get that,
No, no, I mean, strangely, I want to,
Have it,
You have to be completely honest,
I am being honest,
Do you?
I do, I want this baby, I feel,,,
I don't even know if there's a word for how I feel,
What were you going to tell me about?
This class or something?
Oh, um,,, I enrolled us in Journey Through Judaism class,
Meets every week, you can get the whole
process started, especially if we want
to have a wedding before the baby comes,
Wait, wait, wait, What,,, what process?
Your conversion,
I'm converting?
Yeah, I'm,,, I'm pretty sure we talked about this,
No, So,,,
Okay, you know how I went
to Catholic school, right?
And I had all the Catholic sacraments,
except marriage, and so, if there is a God, she probably
already sees me as being part of the Catholic persuasion,
and beyond that I'm a devout atheist, so,,,
Which is why we're taking the class with the wonderful,
intelligent, sensitive, feminist,
the incomparable, Rabbi Cohen,
I know it's going to be a little awkward,
but I love my family and this is really important to them,
Your parents love me, Parents generally love me,
Yeah, I know, of course they do,
And it's the 21st century,
I mean, we don't live in the shtetl anymore,
I have a cousin, Jake, who is totally estranged
from the family all because his wife didn't convert,
Totally estranged or, just, they're a little upset?
Totally estranged,
Once you convert, you will be my Jewish wife,
Our children will automatically be Jews,
We don't have to be conservative or keep kosher
and all that stuff, it's just that my mom
and my dad want to know that
their grandchildren are part of the tribe, officially,
And, in Judaism, one's Jewish identity
is seen as passed through the mother,
That's a lot, Yeah,
The conversion can be symbolic, They love you,
I love you, More than anything,
I'm asking you to do it for me,
To marry the man of my dreams? Seems like a small sacrifice,
Eat, My, Ass,
If I put it in my batter, it would make
my batter bitter, but a bit of better butter,
that would make my batter better,
so Betty Botter bought a bit of better,,,
- What are you doing? - Warming up my instrument,
Okay, let's go,
- Are you ready? - Let's,,, Yeah, let's do this,
All right, Great,
And,,,
Action,
Gimme my money, dawg, I need my money,
Eat, My, Ass,
Cut, Cut, cut, cut,
Are you actually going to do it like that?
Well, how would you do it?
Well, I mean, I might do it kind of like, uh,,,
Eat my ass,
Okay, thanks Daniel Day, but I think
I'm going to stick to my version,
Can we do it one more time? Like, a few more times? Please?
- Please? - We're going to be late
for our first meeting with the Rabbi,
All right,
- One more time, You ready? - Okay,
Yeah,
And,,, action,
Eat, My, Ass,
Back to one, We gotta do it again, that was your fault,
It was kind of brilliant,
- You can't cut me out? - No,
Oy gevalt, Rabbi Cohen, we are ever
so sorry for being so appallingly late,
That's okay, come on in,
You can hang your coats over there if you're warm,
Oh, I'm,,, I'm a bit chilly, actually,
so, I'm,,, I'm going to keep mine on for now,
So, Rabbi,
What do you think about the Maccabees?
The Maccabees?
I was just reading this article online that posited
that the Maccabees, when you really get down to it,
are not unlike the Jewish Taliban,
Oh, wow,
Well, uh,
that statement could be construed
as wildly antisemitic,
I just wanted to get your scholarly, rabbinical opinion,
I think the question here is, uh,
why we'd be making that comparison in the first place?
Right,
Um, I'd love to be the one to smash
the glass at the wedding, if possible,
If not, that's also completely fine,
It has traditionally been "the man" who smashes
the glass at the wedding,
However, my partner and I both smashed a glass
at our wedding, so, it's a Choose Your Own Adventure
kind of thing as far as I'm concerned,
That's what I said,
Oh,
Your hair's falling out,
Oh, wow, um,,,
did you know that female pattern baldness affects one
in five women under the age of 35?
- Oh, - It's,,, it's tragic, really,
I'm so sorry about that,
Um,,,
Is there anything, uh, we can do to prepare
for our first class next week?
Oh, wow, our 45 minutes are up, unfortunately,
Levi can fill you in on the rest, I think,
Uh, I'm late for a bris, so, I've got to scoot,
Enjoy the bris,
Thank you, I always do,
- Bye, - See you next week,
Bye,
Let's go sit in the park and share a cruffin,
On the house, I can turn tricks for baked goods,
I'm just going to have something at my desk later, okay?
I messed up, didn't I?
No, It's all good, We'll have another meeting,
I've got to get back to the office,
I'm drowning in depositions,
What are you going to do for the rest of the day?
Hmm, after school, Before that, no idea,
Why don't you go by Maude's, see if she's got any new projects?
Maybe you could read for something, right?
- Love you, - Love you, too,
They're uneducated, self-loathing,
antisemitic, philandering Hollywood pricks,
that don't know the first thing about the theater,
Oh, sh,,,
Come bearing lunch, No cursing, no cursing,
I'm on a cleanse, A verbal cleanse,
It's been a rough day and I'm looking for a little calm,
Did you take your meds today, sweetheart?
I cursed in front of a first-grader last week
and I still feel guilty about it,
I've been Hail Mary-ing non-stop and it's not helping,
You pray?
Well, I'm superstitious, so, as you can imagine,
religion is very triggering for me,
Now I'm about to be a role model 24/7
because, guess what, I'm pregnant,
Terrific,
Oy vey, you got yourself knocked up? Seriously?
What,,, what? Of course they'll forget you,
The successful ones, they always do,
Didn't I write all the tech avails in an email?
Well,,,
What is the point of email
if nobody reads the whole thing?
Louise!
I'm going to have to ask,,,
I'm,,, I'm getting another ca,,,
Louise!
Oh, screw it,
I mean,,, Where is my intern
and what is her name?
That,,, that,,, that zounderkite,
We had to let her go,
Budget cuts, We don't have interns anymore,
What is a zounderkite?
How is that because of budget cuts
when we never paid the interns?
And if you're going to be restricting my speech, my dear,
I am going to have to get creative, sweet cheeks,
Zounderkite means idiot,
And the intern's name was Anya, or Avra,
or Omelette or some fakakta name,
Well, where is that freaking piece
of paper with all the tech avails on it?
Oh, oh,
Lane Bryant, laced brazier, $12,99,
Huh, you know, this seafoam green color
would look great on you,
Oh, thank you for the cheesesteak,
Your Reuben's on your desk, Shel,
Would you like to see the brazier
I bought on macys,com last week?
Please don't flash me, Maude,
Not today,
Whoo!
Oh, you,,, You've lost your sense of fun,
Where's the old Agnes? I miss her,
Maude, is there anything I can read for?
I'm desperate for a role, One line in anything,
Nothing, Nothing,
You're not diverse,
Directors want diverse, and not pregnant,
Yeah, Oh, oh,,, casting,
Willhelm, I freaking told you, read the freaking email, okay?
Yes, I love Morgan Freeman, too,
okay, but even if it wasn't
because he was already booked
for the next ten pictures,
he would not do your rotten turd of a movie,
Why? Because he's a movie star! That's why!
Ugh,
Here, have a bite,
I,,, I don't want a bite,
You're pregnant, have a bite,
All right,
My bad, Um, hey, I'm looking for drama,
Right this way,
Agnes!
Hi, Hello,
Sparrow, come, it's time to go,
No, Dad, Sandy just dropped me off,
I know, I made a mistake,
You've got your ukulele lesson in,,,
In ten minutes,
I know I overbooked you, Come on,
Dad, get it together,
Agnes, do you want to meet my pet wig?
I brought her in especially for theater games today,
Her name is Marianne,
Hi, Marianne,
Honey, look, I'm sorry, all right?
We'll reorganize your schedule tonight
and, uh, we'll be back next week, yeah?
It's surprising how many extra-curricular
activities a seven-year-old has,
I want to do the dating game, I don't want to go to ukulele,
Dating game! Dating game! Dating game!
Dating game, what's that, a teaching method
I'm not aware of? Yelling at the teacher?
Yell at the teacher!
Time is money, ladies,
Indeed, Come on, baby, we gotta go,
Come on, come on, come on,
Okay, Thank you, It was nice to meet you,
Nice to meet you,
Be well, everyone, Next week,
- Bye, Sparrow, - Bye, Sparrow,
See you next week,
Okay, how about we play First Female President?
I feel like the dating game isn't
really socially relevant or P,C, anymore,
Dating game! Dating game! Dating game! Dating game!
All right, welcome to the dating game,
We have some beautiful candidates here this evening,
First, I'd like to start off with our bachelorette,
Please introduce yourself, bachelorette,
Hello, I am Ms, Mustachio,
Ms, Mustachio is so excited to meet her soulmate today,
Uh, Ms, Mustachio,
what is your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Probably birthday cake, cookies and cream and strawberry,
Three flavors, everyone, Let's meet the candidates,
We have this fine, young gentleman, What is your name?
Mr, Robot,
Do you have any hobbies, Mr, Robot?
Uh, not swimming because that would break me,
and I don't have a hobby and I just jump in butt,
Okay, All right, it's getting late, Kids are tired,
I told David that Levi's fiancé isn't Jewish yet,
but she will be,
Yeah, Agnes is determined to be as Jewish
as she possibly can be,
Abe and Glaucia just joined our synagogue,
They got off the waiting list yesterday,
How's Agnes?
Good, Uh, she just had a big audition,
Well, for what?
Film, I think?
Uh, what,,, what's the role?
President, Of the United States,
Oh, that's perfect,
- I hope she gets it, - Me, too,
And she's excited about converting?
She's thrilled to convert and happy about it,
And she's feeling well?
The pregnancy's going smoothly?
Um, so far so good, I'm on my way uptown to the office,
Priya said you had the Smithfield chemical file,
Yes, yes, Handle with care,
Thanks,
I'm getting old, Levi,
It's good to know that our clients
are in such capable hands,
Uh, both of my boys becoming men, getting married,
carrying on the traditions of our people,
So glad we didn't have to go through
the drama of Uncle Josh's family,
They were just,,, Uh, they were devastated
when Jake didn't marry within the faith and then, uh,
whats-her-name wouldn't even convert,
- Maureen, - What?
Maureen, That's Jake's wife,
Oh, yes, yes, of course, Uh, she's an Irish Catholic,
Oy-oy-oy-oy,
So, you and Agnes, uh, will be making an appearance
at the Feltshew shiva, uh, on Sunday?
Yeah, uh, who died?
Shmoo?
No, no, no, no, Bubbie Feltshew, Great lady,
Yeah, she was, A lot of chutzpah,
Daphna will be there with the Levinsons,
Why are you telling me that?
Well, because, uh, you were friends
and, uh, lovers for a very long time,
I thought you might like to know,
Lovers?
Dad, Daphna's my ex,
I don't want to hear about her,
Roger that, All right, see you in court tomorrow,
Okay, I'll see you in court tomorrow,
- Take care, take care, - Bye, Dad,
Ah,,,
Oh
Yes, yes, Your Honor, how are you?
I've been so furiously busy with my new web
series on yoga-lates,
and the serum launch, of course,
And now with the two weddings,
the one in Lisbon and the one here in Brooklyn,,,
It's exciting,
So exciting,
Um,
can I ask you a question about your business, Glaucia Eduarda?
It's actually Glaucia,
Eduarda,
That's what I said,
And my business is a top 500 company,
and requires no quotation marks,
Oh, I did,,, I didn't,,,
mean to put,,, I didn't put quotation marks around it,
I just said,,,
Mm, I guess it was your tone, then,
Agnes, uh, by the way, don't mention
Abe and Glaucia Eduarda going to city hall,
Why not? I was going to tweet it,
Shout it from the rooftops, Abe and Eduarda got hitched!
It's Glaucia Eduarda,
They got engaged right after we did, Whoo-hoo,
Well, we completed the administrative procedure,
But we don't want this to detract from the main event,
We only went to city hall to expedite the process,
First of all, I don't understand the whole
detracting from the main event thing,
And, um, secondly, I thought you were going to elope?
We wanted to embrace our Jewish identities,
and celebrate with the family,
In the faith,
Hmm,
Oh, did you guys hear that Glaucia Eduarda
was actually offered a role on a pilot?
I mean, they basically just wanted her
to play herself and,,, And rep her brand on the show,
My patients are too important to me,
Patients?
I thought,,, I thought you were a yoga teacher?
That's merely one aspect of what I do,
Do you follow me on Instagram?
No, no, no, I don't, um,
engage with,,, the social media,
And why is that?
It makes people depressed,
It's generally not good for you,
That opinion is actually just a symptom
of an overall intellectual backlash,
Well, it's not really an opinion, its science, but,,,
Mm, agree to disagree,
The entertainment industry is fun,
but it's not serious enough for me, at least,
And the way they treat women in Hollywood,
it's savage, isn't it?
You know what? I think that women
in Hollywood have never been more empowered,
Hmm,
I think that, Because,,, a lot of reasons,
For example, I auditioned to play
a very strong, powerful, confident
strong, woman,
A sex worker who,,,
makes tough choices based on difficult economic realities,
How was your day, Levi?
Oh, my day was pretty good,
Uh, we had one witness kind of get cold feet,
so we're going to have to rethink that strategy,
but, otherwise,,,
Oh, here you go,
Oh, no, sadly I,,, I cannot imbibe,
I am,,, with child,
Of course, Mazel, mazel,
How brave of you two,
Yeah, no, it wasn't really brave,
it was just more careless,
Stupid,
A little bit spontaneous, is what I'm trying to say,
and, uh, what I'm really trying to say is that
it wasn't planned, so,,,
as you might have guessed,
Um, okay, well, in the spirit of giving up
on my dreams, will you please pass me one of those,,,
- breads? - Mm,
These are actually buckwheat naan toasts,
Better for the baby,
Oh, so it's, like, all seeds,
Yeah, It's healthy,
Not,,, not really bread,
You'll get used to it,
Mm, Delicious,
Mm, You have two of those in the morning,
a little espresso,
Keeps you, uh, regular,
Mm-hmm,
What's for dessert?
Hibiscus ice cubes,
Mm,
Sheer arrogance,
The hypocrisy,
Who cares?
We get to live our lives, we get to be together,
You and me and Ernie and the baby,
Fortune 500 company?
Give me a break,
We only have to sit through one
of those dinners one time a month,
You gotta learn to put things in perspective,
You're right, You're so wise,
Yes, I am,
Oh,
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, Let me help you up,
Stay away from me, you dirty shiksa,
Whoa, lady, you're the one covered in garbage, okay?
Let me help you up,
Whoa, Jesus Christ, lady,
We're trying to help you, all right?
That's your problem,
Jesus Christ,
He's Jewish, he's a member of the tribe,
Don't waste your breath, These people think I'm an animal
because I'm not orthodox,
- That doesn't make any sense, - I know,
It's an extremist cult, it doesn't need
to make any sense, In fact,
the more irrational, the better, Let's go home,
Okay,
Any progress with the masterpiece?
Right now it's just an empty canvas,
I'm thinking of keeping it that way,
Ah, yes, The minimalist approach,
The highest form of cubist abstraction, The penultimate,
You know, my dad says a lot of writers
experience periods of intense inactivity,
But even if you're not putting pen to paper,
your mind is working,
It may feel like you don't exist, but you do,
You're all perfectionists,
That's your problem, Me, I'm just,,,
completely out of ideas,
I'm completely boring,
That's silly, Frankie,
You're a fascinating, multi-dimensional woman,
Agreed, And you look stunning today, by the way,
I haven't washed my hair in two weeks,
Do you know what Margaret Atwood says about perfectionism?
That it slowly, quietly kills you?
Yes,
If I waited for perfection
I'd never write a word,
So, procrastination is really just a bad habit
that stems from a desire to not fail,
Exactly,
Why don't you just Jackson Pollock that canvas?
Show it who's boss,
Your idea of what I do is hilarious, So actor-y,
Jackson Pollock is so old,
He's deceased, actually,
I think it's an accurate reference,
I mean, the term "action painting"
was basically invented for him, so,,,
At least you get to be, I don't know, physical,
You get to punch out those letters on the keyboard,
Plus, acting is very physical,
If only someone would allow me to do it,
Allow you? Come on, Agnes,
Push that rock up the hill yourself,
Put your big girl pants on and get on with it,
Make your own opportunities,
Maybe we should swap for a week,
You give me your act two,
I'll lend you the keys my studio?
Hmm? Hmm?
Oh, Frankie, Sparrow and I made something for you,
Oh!
Ah, it's very on trend, I love it,
Oh, fudge,
Frankie almost said the "F" word,
Then she didn't, She said fudge,
Can you teach my Zumba class for me tonight?
Sudima has an opening,
It's an all-female production of All My Sons, and I completely
forgot about it, but I promised her I'd go,
She's been working on it for years,
Okay, but,,,
Fabulous, I'll text you the deets,
Oh, my God, Uh,,,
Frankie, take Leah and Henry to the office,
Call 911 and then Sparrow's dad,
You're going to feel a lot better soon, I promise,
Hey, where is she? How long was the seizure?
- Did you time it? - It was about ten minutes,
She went with the E,M,T,s
and the school nurse to the hospital,
Okay,
And now shut up and eat,
You should be grateful I cook for you,
When I was in the Le Mont, we had the most gorgeous crêpes,
Honey with powdered sugar for breakfast every morning,
And the sweetest, freshest mangos you ever tasted,
And where is my Beefeater Gibson, straight up?
You ungrateful American snob, Huh,
In Poland, you are lucky you get moldy potato for breakfast,
Oh, cry me a river, you old windbag,
Oh,
♪ Oh, my darling granddaughter ♪
♪ Oh, my darling Agnes, dear ♪
♪ Don't get lost, stay here forever ♪
♪ Darling, please don't disappear ♪
Your dinner's in the fridge,
This time, please share it with Fred,
You hear that now? Share it with Fred,
I thought you were going deaf,
Well, only selective hearing,
Pa, look at my finger,
Oh, Oh!
Congratulations,
Frederick, my little girl is getting married
to a lovely man,
Ah, good luck,
I've been married four times, each one more
disastrous than the one before it,
Don't listen to him, It's exquisite,
The ring, Wowee,
Levi's a lucky man,
And, by the way, I'm also pregnant,
- Ah, - Oh, my goodness,
Congratulations, my dear,
That is wonderful news,
Children are an absolute blessing,
They are? It is?
Because I was kind of freaked out initially, but,,,
Because it wasn't planned,
Yeah, The best things in life are not,
Uh, how's the play going?
I don't want to talk about it,
Oh, You must persevere, my dear,
No daughter of mine, especially a grand one,
gives up,
You know, you do realize I am your only living offspring,
so, maybe it might have been
a good idea if mom had given up
her singing career and all the drugs that went with it,
You and your mother are not the same person,
She was vulnerable to certain pitfalls of the business,
but you've learned from her mistakes,
You come the way you come,
You're saying I'm crazy so I should just lean in?
I think you're an artist,
And everybody's a little bit crazy,
Never trust anyone who claims to be normal,
Well, I love you both, but I gotta run,
Where are you off to now?
Zumba class,
Wh,,, Wh,,, Zu-Zu,,, What,,, what's a Zumba?
Um, it's like dance,
- I think, - Oh,
- Bye, - Bye bye bye,
- Bye-bye, my darling, - See you soon,
Love you,
I,,, I do the Zumba pretty well,
I bet you do,
Zumba,
Hello, ladies,
Sexy gay man,
Uh, my name is Agnes and I will be
filling in this evening for Frankie,
This is what I like to call,
um, radical acceptance Zumba,
Which is to say, it's not exactly kosher Zumba
or Zumba as you may have done it before,
Rule number one: there are no rules,
There are no right steps, there are no wrong steps,
Simply steps,
Uh, what about stretching?
Stretching is not a part of our fitness philosophy here
at radical Zumba because we simply do whatever we want,
I want you to laugh,
Cry, burp, fart, scream, whatever
feels right to you in the moment,
Don't hold back, okay?
Because this is your time, ladies, and sexy gay man,
So, leave your Lululemons at home
because this is an authentic,
screw the patriarchy, women's lib kind of workout,
I would say burn your bras, but don't do that,
because the only person that hurts is you,
Bras are important, We need all the support we can get,
The world will try and knock you down,
but today we are building ourselves back the fudge up,
So, work it, Show me what you got,
Leave it all on this dancefloor, right here, right now,
Because life is short and cruel,
so let's have some freaking fun for once,
Are you on the schedule next week?
I was teaching a Zumba class,
You do Zumba?
I do now,
Hello, everybody, and thank you for being here,
We are so thrilled to have you
at our Journey Through Judaism fall semester,
My name is Rabbi Jane Cohen, I'm new at the synagogue,
and you all are my first Journey Through Judaism
class ever!
Come on, Oh, yeah,
Wow, okay, so, b'ezrat HaShem, which means
"with God's help," let's get to the point,
Tachles,
for those of you who don't know, means, uh, getting to the point,
Getting to the quintessence of something,
It's something Israelis say when they want
to say "get to the point," essentially,
Okay, I am repeating myself,
Yeah, let's, uh, hm-mm,,, We're,,, we're,,, we're going
to start every class with our weekly simchas and sorrows,
A simcha, for those of you who don't know,
means "a little joy,"
Something small, can be anything,
Uh, does anybody have a simcha
they'd like to share for the week?
Oh, and if you could, um, introduce yourself and tell us
why you're here, enrolled, that would be great as well,
I,,, I,,, I'm Virginia,
And I found out on ancestry,com that I'm half Jewish,
Mazel tov,
My simcha for the day is that,
yesterday, I became a grandmother,
Lovely, A baby is a blessing,
The highest blessing, Mazel tov,
Any sorrows?
I have sorrows, My name is Zeynep,
I am from Istanbul,
And I am curious about the Jewish and I,,,
I want to convert to the Jewish because of rich history,
Uh, my sorrow is: my ferret, Yasmin, died this morning,
Tragically,
Uh, she got stuck in the, uh, how do you call it, the,,, the,,,
The escalator machine at the grocery store,
Uh, it was a mess and, uh, she,,,
Lots of blood and, uh, her body was taken
away and, uh, I will never see her again,
I am so sorry, Zeynep,
Speaking of,,,
unfortunate female figures that we will never forget, um,
let's just get to our first parsha,
Um, the story of Rachel and Leah,
If you will please turn to page 94,
You will see there that Leah,
one of the matriarchs of the Jewish people,
is described as tender, because she had been crying,
Why is that, do you ask?
Well, Leah had been consigned to marry Esau,
Jacob's older brother,
Now, Esau was the more aggressive,
less desirable of the two brothers,
He was a fan of hunting and brothels,
Jacob, on the other hand,,, Iconic Jacob,,,
He was a real mensch, the tzadik,
the righteous one, if you will,
In other words, God's personal emissary, that's,,,
Rabbi, didn't Jacob and Esau's father, Laban,
get involved?
And I thought,,,
Yes, yes, he did, and I was just about to get,,,
And what about those, uh, slutty slave women who come
later in the story, like Zilpah and Bilhah?
Yes, Zeynep, they do,,, They were just about to come,
I mean, I guess now that we're on the subject,
Bilhah and Zilpah are,,,
I think she's hitting on you,
That's because I'm ridiculously good-looking,
Can't a guy take a theology seminar
without getting ogled and objectified?
I guess not,
Agnes, Levi, everything good over there?
Yes, I'm fine, we're fine,
Thank you, Rabbi, please continue, Hashem,
Oh, Hashem,
Okay, uh, where was I? Yes,
Do you know what Hashem means?
Uh, I thought,,, I don't know but I think
it means peace be with you?
No, it,,, it means, uh,,,
Okay, uh, this,,, this is something
I usually say for my first-graders,
Am I going to have to separate you two?
- No, Sorry, - Won't happen again,
Great, Uh,
Jacob, Esau, Rachel, Leah, family drama,
What could be more Jewish than that? Page 95,
♪ I just wrote another song for you ♪
♪ But you're from a different country, babe ♪
♪ And we both know you're not the same as me ♪
♪ I know you don't understand this song ♪
♪ Even though you're good, and you sing along ♪
♪ With me, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ There's something when I open to your eyes ♪
♪ Oh, when I look into your eyes ♪
♪ Reflection of the big blue sky ♪
♪ Coming straight into your eyes ♪
♪ For you ♪
♪ There's something about the way you're staring ♪
♪ Something that seems so unfair, but you ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ All I need is one ♪
Good morning,
Last night was incredible,
It was, Just thought we should sleep for five more,
What if I make iced cappuccinos?
- Hmm? - Come on,
Get up, We're going shopping,
For what?
A kiddush cup,
A what cup?
A kiddush cup, It's for wine, but also for prayer,
Kinda, Come on, let's go! Kiddush cup!
Whoa, this place is fantastic,
Thanks for having us,
Look at these,
Beautiful,
Are you one of these hipster artists?
Yes, sir, I believe I am an artist,
Ah, What do artists do all day?
Well, that's a good question, Um, depends on the artist,
For example, my namesake, Agnes Martin,
used to read murder mysteries and work
in her garden for most of the day when she wasn't painting,
- of course, - Can we look at this one?
- Right? Okay, we'll take it, - Yeah,
Enjoy,
Oh, I will,
Bring me home a donut?
This is Williamsburg AA,
It's lemon-ricotta cronuts or bust,
I just don't understand why you insist on fasting,
You eat 11 meals a day and you're pregnant,
I'm fine, okay?
I just want to do this Yom Kippur thing properly,
Let me do me,
What is Yom Kippur really about?
Okay, it's the day of atonement,
We all know that the Jewish faith
has long been associated with a deep sense of guilt,
Shoutout to the Jewish mothers,,,
Are you familiar with that?
So, now I have Catholic guilt and Jewish guilt,
We're trying to in here,
Sorry,
Self-awareness, which, though rather unpleasant,
can lead us to grow and self-improve,
Shoutout to my Jewish mother in the room, But,,,
this shame thing can also paralyze us,
It can deafen us,
Guilt blocks us,
Hmm,
Back in ancient times, all the way back,
back to Israel, the high priests would
lead us in ritual animal sacrifice, believe it or not,
Because in Judaism, in order to atone,
you had to give up something that's valuable to you,
That's why we fast,
But this line of thinking can be a slippery slope,
so, we, the Israelites, decided to draw the line
at child sacrifice,
Yeah, we called it Moloch,
Believe it or not, many of the neighboring tribes
regularly sacrificed their children to Moloch,
but we, the Jews,,, We drew up laws against it,
Not us, not Israel,
Israel, the word itself means "one who wrestles with God,"
This has given us an identity as the chosen people,
Exceptional, yes, but burdened
to live honorably every single day of our lives,
My question is: how can we possibly live
in that light if we cannot confront the darkness?
You know what?
I wasn't gonna,,,
but I am gonna say it,
We need to talk about Palestine,
We're afraid to talk about Palestine,
and even worse, we're afraid to listen,
Why ruin a dinner party, or a sermon,
by broaching this sensitive topic?
Why offend my only living grandparent? Why go there?
Because if we strive, as Jews, for tikkun olam,
to heal the world, we need to confront the issues
that threaten to destroy it and us,
There are way too many of us who pick a side,
Who teach our children, as I was taught,
to pick a team and stick with it,
To defend that team no matter what,
We want to win, and we want the other team
to lose, so, what do we do?
We bind ourselves to an absolute confidence,
the supreme sense of righteousness,
The chosen people, superior, arrogant,
We, as American Jews, need to rid ourselves of this arrogance,
Because we don't know what it's like,,,
to be, what, a Palestinian orphan,
terrified to walk to school alone,
An Israeli mother sending her teenage daughter
off to join the endless wars of the I,D,F,
A Palestinian refugee in Lebanon, homeless,
jobless, stateless, separated from his family,
We need to accept that our understanding
of this issue is limited, and that's okay,
And we can disagree, and we can argue,
and we can fight, but I'll tell you what we're not going to do:
we're not going to deny anybody else's humanity, okay?
'Cause we've been there,
There're still people all around the world, in every country,
including this one, who do not see us as human,
Who hate us for being who we are,
Every single person in this room has something that could be
used against her, whether it's her gender,
her sexual orientation, her skin color, a mental disorder,
a physical disability, everybody has something,
So, I'm asking you, today,
to open your hearts and your minds,
And to beg you not to sacrifice yourselves,
your friends, your family, or your community
upon the altar of ideology and division,
Because that destruction is a prayer to Moloch,
What's up?
I'll be right back,
Agnes!
Make sure you eat enough,
You know? No more fainting,
- Mm, - Mm,
That's a fun ensemble, Agnes,
Very, uh, chic,
Thank you, Glaucia Eduarda,
This is my, um, Yom Kippur ensemble,
You know, we were very, uh,
intrigued, by your Rabbi's service,
She's very,,, modern?
It wasn't really a typical Yom Kippur sermon,
How's the struggle with the acting career going?
Great, Um, you may now address me as Charlene,
I got the part of the crack whore,
Ah!
Wow, Congratulations,
You know, actually, uh, Glaucia Eduarda
has almost completed her conversion,
I mean, she,,, She's done, like, everything,
Mazel,
Erwy Felstein from the Schneider's
more conservative synagogue said I was
the best student he's ever had,
When you do the mikveh, are you planning to be naked
in the mikveh?
I'll probably wear a one-piece,
Show some modesty,
Mm-mm, No, No, no, no,
Because I read that in order to be, like,
officially, really the most Jewish
you can be, you gotta be totally nude,
So there's no barrier between you and God,
You know, and then you gotta lather yourself in olive oil,
It's a whole thing,
That's not a thing, Agnes,
Is it, like, Greek Orthodox, or,,,
No, it's a thing,
I read it in this very important
and sacred Talmudic text that I have here,
So, I'm going to do it right when I mikveh,
And I am gonna lube up in my birthday suit,
Chag sameach,
Ah, here comes the lox,
- Here comes the lox, - Morty!
Wow, that looks great, Dad,
There it is, there it is,
Beautiful,
An hour waiting at Zabar's,
- Worth the wait, - Worth the wait,
Do you think it's this hard to assemble a crib?
I hope not, I think this is my favorite holiday,
What does it mean, Sukkot?
Well, sukkah means booth, or tabernacle,
Um, and Sukkot literally means "feast of the booths,"
It sounds better in Hebrew,
Yeah, "feast of the booths"
doesn't really roll off the tongue, does it?
Mm-mm,
Jews really need to do a better job marketing their holidays,
If I had known about this when I was a kid
I would've made Nate build one for me,
Sukkot,,,
is supposed to be all about the beauty of impermanence,
It's supposed to teach us to love
what we have while we have it,
What do you want to be for Halloween?
I want to be skinny and fat Karl Lagerfeld,
Karl Lagerfeld had a fat phase?
Oh, yeah,
Big time,
♪ You got the love, huh, yeah, you know we do it better ♪
♪ You got the love, huh, yeah, you know we do it right ♪
♪ You got the hook, huh, oh, you know we play it better ♪
♪ You got the hook, yeah, oh, you know we play it right ♪
Great job, You are all getting very good at that,
Come on, Jews,
All right,
Now that we've made it through the High Holy Days,
I'd like to take this class to address a pair
of emotionally charged topics,
Anti-Semitism and the Holocaust,
Raise your hand if you've ever experienced antisemitism,
We're told now that antisemitism isn't prevalent,
at least not in our liberal elite circles
and the safe haven of New York,
Hitler used dog whistling to unite his base,
To unite the Nazis against the Jews,
To fan the pre-existing flames of racism and ethnic division,
When the conservative politicians of today reference,
for example, the liberal media,
who exactly is it do you think that they are referring to?
The Jews,
That's who they're referring to,
And look, I don't want to sound alarmist,
but if the purpose of studying history is to teach
us lessons about the present, we must never forget the past,
And we must, as Jews,
but more importantly as human beings,
keep holding that mirror up and demanding
accountability from our politicians,
demanding an end to centuries of structural racism,
and demanding justice and equality
from all intuitions, great and small,
Thank you, that was so inspiring,
I wasn't done, but you're welcome,
- Sorry, - Sit down, Agnes,
Okay,
Oy vey,
All right, who's doing their Davar today?
Sumi, thank you, The floor is yours,
I love you,
I'll be your director today,
Nice to meet you,
Oh, hello,
You know, I've always wanted
to try my hand at making movies,
So, you,,, better be good,
No, seriously, don't screw this up,
She's really down and out, like some pimp has cut her up
real good, so the blood needs
to start here and come all the way down here,
And make it as thick and horrible as you possibly can
so that it shows up really good on camera,
Thanks, Orato,
You know what, um, and make sure you don't
forget to black out the front tooth,
All right, sit still, please,
- Like this? - Don't talk,
And try not to breathe so much,
Great,
I'll see you guys on, uh, set, in ten, for rehearsal,
Thanks, Orato,
Out walking the streets so late?
How'd it go? The filming,
It wasn't so great,
Oh, bet you were fantastic,
How,,, how are you feeling, my dear?
Mm, I'm okay, I guess,
How's the play going?
It's not, I gave up on it,
But the first act was so brilliant,
The,,, the denouement at the dinner table flows
so naturally into the final act,
You must ride into the pain,
It's the only way to get to the glory,
What's the point, Nate?
Even if I finish it, no one's gonna read it,
What am I supposed to do with it?
Rent out a dilapidated old theater
with money I don't have and put it on myself?
Exactement,
Face the music, Nate,
I'm gonna end up like one of those nutso mimes
muttering to myself in Times Square and,,,
My poor, illegitimate child will pretend not to know me,
Your child will be very legitimate,
You're getting married,
I haven't been to Times Square in a while,
It sounds wonderfully macabre,
You're not disappointed in me?
No,
You don't think I should've gone
to grad school or law school or,,,
med school? I got an A in biology,
You hate hospitals, and you cry every time
you get your blood drawn,
It's the lighting,
Hospitals have terrible lighting,
You don't think I'm wasting my expensive education?
To waste a great talent like yours would be a crime,
We need art, Now, More than ever,
What do you want for Christmas, Pa?
To chase you around the block,
That could be arranged,
Merry Christmas, by the way,
Merry Christmas,
My darling,
Christmas can be a challenging
time for those of us who have converted
or those of us who are partnered with someone
who loves Christmas and is used to celebrating,
I mean, Christmas is everywhere,
The ads, Santa, Mariah, let's talk about it,
How are we feeling? Yes, um, Mary, then Jordan,
Yes, thank you, Uh, hi, Uh, well, I,,, I love Christmas,
The pine needles,,, it's all so magical,
Getting to bounce on Santa's lap,
And,,,
The Christmas tree is an affront to everything I believe in,
If I, a proud Jewish man, were to allow Mary to have one
in our apartment, I'd be letting down my ancestors,
My grandfather was shot into the Danube
by the Nazis because he wouldn't conform,
Because he wouldn't hide his menorah,
So, if I buy a tree, it makes his death in vain,
That makes no sense, Jordan,
You should let Mary have her tree,
Okay, hold on, Agnes, Jordan, say more about that,
And why is that, Agnes?
Well, it makes her happy, Isn't that worth something?
Making the person you love happy?
And, secondly, Christmas trees
are rooted in Pagan ritual, so they have absolutely nothing
to do with Jesus Christ, who was actually born in April,
not on Christmas Day,
It's secular capitalism at work,
Of course, Christianity has co-opted
some of those traditions, but that's beside the point,
And thirdly, with all due respect, Jordan,
your grandfather was shot into the Danube not because
he was religious, but because he was ethnically Jewish,
The Holocaust was about ethnic cleansing,
Hitler didn't care what you did for the holidays,
Do you think that, uh, we can take the Christmas tree
down before my parents come over tonight?
Are you kidding me?
I'm fine with the tree, I like Christmas trees,
I love the way it smells, but my parents won't get it,
Especially because they think you're converting,
I am converting,
Right, that's the confusing part,
Christmas can be a secular holiday,
Well, no, it can't, Not for everyone,
Oh, my God, You sound like Jordan,
Seriously?
Yeah, I don't know, this is all just
very confusing for me right now,
How so?
Could you just pass the pepper, because we have to pepper them?
Can we just keep it simple
and take the tree down?
They come over, we put it back up when they leave?
When are you going to stop trying so hard
to please your parents?
I love my parents,
And I love you and I wanna keep the tree up,
Fine! Then keep the,,, tree up,
Fine, We're keeping it up,
Jesus Christ,
This is green,
- What is,,, - Yeah, it's green tea,
It's green tea,
Take a glab,
Oh, you know what, I already have a stack,
- but I'll take another one, - Yeah, pass them on,
Why not? Why not? Hey, is Agnes doing okay?
She's never okay, I don't know, I don't know,
Agnes, that's the dessert!
I thought it was a breadstick,
It's a salted quinoa straw for the agave caipirinhas,
Sorry, I'm starving,
She's the only person who's
never heard of a salted quinoa straw,
- I know, I know, - It's always about her,
You,,, you,,, Yeah,
Sorry,
I don't know where Abe is getting that,
because we don't have a tree,
Uh, we're not celebrating Christmas,
we don't intend on celebrating Christmas, our children are not
gonna celebrate Christmas, and so, that's all just,,,
It's made up,
All right, well, uh, Glaucia Eduarda
and Abe have already thought about Hebrew schools,
- That's great, - Can you believe it?
She's not even pregnant, as far as I know,
- Hi, Morty, - Oh, Agnes!
Are you having a good time?
No, as it turns out, Can I talk to you for a minute?
Yeah,
What's up?
You lied,
What are you talking about?
You said we didn't celebrate Christmas,
I just said that to keep everybody happy,
You know, we can obviously do whatever
we want to do in private,
I don't want to live like that,
I don't want to lie, Can we just go home?
I'm the best man, Agnes, I can't just leave the wedding,
So, we have to stay for the entire reception?
Yeah, I don't want to just rush out on these guys,
I feel like I'm always rushing,
Rushing out? We're never rushing out on them,
Oh, and thanks for defending me back there with breadstick-gate,
It's not a big deal, Agnes,
Yeah, it didn't have to be a big deal until Abe made
it a big deal by calling me out in front of everyone,
Those two are the most self-absorbed
people on the planet,
He's my brother, and I love him,
Glaucia, I have to learn to accept,,,
Look, I know when you needed to get sober he helped you a lot,
but if he can't be there
to celebrate your successes and the happiness in your life,,,
What are you even talking about?
And why would you bring that up right now?
I,,, this,,, I can't do this anymore,
What are you saying?
This, You clearly want nothing to do
with my family and our traditions,
Oh, my God, that is so wildly unfair,
I'm literally in the process of converting to your religion,
It's not just a religion, Agnes,
That's the thing that you don't understand,
To me, being Jewish is a huge part of who I am,
It's about family, it's about bread-breaking, tribal unity,
I know all about bread-breaking,
We broke bread at the convent all the time,
- I love bread, - It's not a joke, Agnes,
So, we can't even laugh anymore?
I'm the one who's bending over backwards here,
solely because I want to be with you,
Do you know that 72% of modern Jews
are intermarrying, by the way?
What the hell does that mean?
It means a lot of people do it,
so don't just bail because it gets challenging,
I'm the one who's bailing?
Let me give you a statistic:
the last Holocaust survivors will be dead in a couple years,
And that's relevant to this conversation because?
How do you not understand how that's relevant?
Is this about Israel?
It's about terminal, ethnic identity,
- What? - Herbert Gans,
He's on the syllabus, why don't you read it?
Wow, That's really condescending,
It's not a good look on you,
You know, this is why people don't do this,
I didn't get it before, I thought,
"This is so messed up, you can't decide who you fall
"in love with," but now it's starting to make sense to me,
Maybe this is all just a little too hard,
What about our baby?
Maybe we co-parent,,, the baby,
We shouldn't just get married because of the baby,
that never works,
Maybe co-parenting would be better because
we wouldn't be fighting all the time,
We're there, so, um, I think I'm going to go now,
You should stay and we should talk about it,
No, I'll make it easier for you,
We're done, Crisis averted,
So, now you can be free to go and marry Daphna
and have lots of Jewish babies,
I don't want to marry Daphna,,, You need to calm down,
I'm perfectly calm!
Agnes? It's Fred,
What's wrong?
Your dziadekpassed away last night,
In his sleep,
They say it was natural causes, no disease, no pain,
I'm very sorry for your sadness,
You must be present with the pain of the loss,
Do not avoid it,
Agnes, are you okay?
Oh, God,
Everything's gonna be all right,
How do you know that?
You have to have faith,
It's okay,
Levi,
Levi!
Levi? Oh, my God, what a coincidence,
Oh, my God, Daphna, I am actually so busy right now,
What are you doing here?
Oh, Glaucia told me you were living in the hood,
How fun was the first wedding?
It was great,
Oh, I am so sorry to hear
that you and Agnes broke up,
Thanks, yeah, it's been rough,
You know, I've gotten really deep
into Kabbalah recently, and everyone's born
to be the hero of their own lives, right?
And I just think it's really important,
as a Jewish woman, to raise one's own children
according to one's own faith, right?
Sorry, um, what?
Oh, about raising children in the faith?
Well, according to one faith, right?
Um, you know what, I have to go,
I have got to get back to the office,
Oh, sure, yeah, I'll come with you,
Okay,
So, yeah, all this, like, modern,
liberal Judaism, uh, uh, like taking bits and pieces
of what one likes, like celebrating Christmas, you know,
is not right,
Key topics in the ongoing
debate about the global climate crisis,
including carbon offsetting and carbon taxing,
investing in renewable energies and fracking,
As these leaders negotiate compromises and tariffs,
environmental agencies urge this council,,,
reminding us that when it comes to the global temperature,
every degree counts,
But as they struggle to find common ground,
many are left wondering: how hot is too hot?
The U,S, Secretary General hopes to achieve
a successful negotiation,,,
Hello?
Hey, it's Everett,
You're coming over to my place for a glass of something,
And maybe a jam session, who knows?
We'll see where the night takes us,
Um, I'm sorry, I,,, I can't, I'm, uh,,, busy,
Get off the couch now,
I'm texting you the address,
catastrophic
environmental disaster,
You know, in recovery, we have a saying,
I know all about the sayings,
Well, when a person shows
you who they are, believe them,
So true,
I have an idea, Um, can we forget about earlier today?
Hey, look, what,,, what happens in the honeywagon
stays in the honeywagon,
Listen, I just want you to be okay,
I didn't know that you were going through any of this stuff,
I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather,
I'm an unwed mother-to-be and an orphan,
Little orphan Agnes,
Hmm,
All right, listen, screw the labels,
And I'm sorry, I,,, I shouldn't have said,,,
That wasn't funny at all,
No, I thought it was very funny,
Did you ever have a relationship with your father?
I met him once, He's nice enough,
He's a vagabond, sort of,
He never wanted to have a child, so,,,
And what about your grandmother?
She died about a year after my mother overdosed,
Technically, it was cancer,
but I think it was grief,
I think you're really talented, Agnes,
And you can have a solid career,
you know, in this, if,,, if,,, If that's what you wanted to do,
You don't have to say that to me,
I know I don't have to,
How's that fiancé of yours?
We called the engagement off,
Um, I don't know what's going to happen with us,
He's on a date right now with a Jewish woman,
so there's that, and this baby is on
its way whether I'm ready or not,
You know, after my wife, um, passed away, uh, Sparrow and I,
we, uh,,,
we started going to Sunday Mass,
At first I just,,,
I couldn't really connect to any of it, but,,,
I'm actually finding some peace,
I went to Mass once a week for 13 years,
Never brought me any peace,
Hey, listen,
I, um,,, I want to thank you,
For what?
Sparrow, she told me that she could hear you talking to her,
And that she felt safe,
Look, I'll never be able to thank you enough
for what you did,
I just did what anyone would do,
No, no, not anyone,
You know, a lot of people they, um,
they freeze up in situations like that,
I remember the day that she was born,
You know, she had to spend, uh, three weeks in the I,C,U,
She was blue, And so tiny, oh, my God,
And she was so beautiful,
She already had a full head of hair, even then,
I was constantly traveling,
And ever since then I've been trying to make it up to her,
And Sparrow, she's, uh,,, she's a kid,
so she's already forgiven me for my,,,
my terrible parenting so early in her life,
Um,,,
She's exceptional,
Yeah,
Do you have, um, any plans after this?
Yeah, I have a couple more dates,
Oh, this is,,, Is that what this is?
I don't know,
Just thought you were a jaded, rockstar dad taking pity on me,
Oh, you think I'm jaded? That's a bit of a cliché, no?
Clichés are cliché for a reason,
Right, Well,,,
I do not pity you,
I like you,
Whoa, whoa,
What's up? You okay?
Um, nothing, I'm,,, yeah, I just, I,,,
I think I'm going to be sick,
- Physically ill, - Uh,,,
Oh, my God,
Um, all right, well, the, um,,,
the bathroom is,,, It's down the hall to the right,
Oh,
Agnes, are you okay?
Never been better,
All right, come on, Get up,
And what if this is where I belong?
Come on, let's get you to bed,
Is your blood sugar low? Do you need a snack?
This is where I deserve to sleep, I'm a toilet person,
- No, come on, - I'm a sewer lady,
Come on,
Where are you taking me?
I'm putting you to bed, I'm picking you up,
Putting me to bed, eh?
In the guest room,
- Come on, - Vomiting pregnant lady
goes to the guest room, I get it,
Yes, you do,
Oh, my goodness, this is so heavy,
Um, oh, this is so overwhelming, What an incredible honor,
First, I'd like to thank Yahweh for giving me the gift of life,
Then, of course, the Academy, Thank you for voting for me,
And, uh, let's not forget Tilda Swinton,
my adoptive mother and best friend,
Tilda, I could not have done this without,,, Oh, my God,
I, um,,, sorry, I was going to put it back,
I wasn't going to steal it,
Best original song,
Congratulations,
Thanks,
You know, Tilda's a really cool lady,
and I'll introduce the two of you next time she's in town,
Well, that'd be great,
I have to head to set,
Okay, Thanks again,
All right, bye,
Agnes, did you have a sleepover with Daddy?
Hi, Sparrow, What are you doing here?
What do you mean what am I doing here? This is my house,
Of course, No, I'm sorry, you're right,
Um, sorry, I'm just a bit cloudy this morning,
Did you have a bad dream?
Yes, actually,
Those are the worst, but it's okay,
because you're awake now, and none of that is real,
Do you want some of my cereal?
Sure, Thanks,
Coffee?
Sure, thank you, You're a very good hostess, Sparrow,
There we go,
That's regular milk,
but we have almond, hemp and oat as well,
Regular is perfect,
Thank you,
Oh, here's a clue, Finally, This one is hard,
Yeah, But you got through the maze, look at that,
Sparrow, honey, we've got to get going,
You're going to be late,
I have physical therapy now,
And then school,
Have a great day,
I love you,
Love you, too,
Don't drink too much coffee, okay?
Daddy says it makes you crazy hyper,
and it's not good for the baby,
I went to school with him,
Hmm,
Oh,
Is that talking Ed?
Yeah, he's a journalist,
You know, travels the world telling important stories,
Does something valuable for society,
Uh, debatable,
Oh, I'm such a failure,
You seem sad, baby doll,
Really? You're so perceptive,
Why so snippy? Not so snippy, Gosh,
I'm sorry,
It's just the hormones, and,,,
well, there's a lot to be sad about,
Polar ice caps are melting, our oceans are full of trash,
my baby daddy doesn't love me because I'm not Jewish enough,
There's always something to be sad about, What else is new?
This is an awful show, What are we watching?
It's called the news, Sheldon,
It's so depressing!
Ugh!
And when is this phone gonna ring?
It'll pick up,
How are you so optimistic?
Well, what are my choices? We're here, we're alive,
To steal a phrase from Rabbi Ben Hayhay
that my Bubbie used to repeat to me
all the time:
I didn't know you were Jewish,
Hello? We're theater people,
We eat the brisket on a bi-weekly basis,
Well, I knew you were culturally Jewish, but I didn't
know you were, like, religious, practicing Jews,
We practice when she chooses,
When the spirit moves me,
We did love the music at that East Side Synagogue,
Oh,,, I miss going there,
Hmm,
Fantastic gospel singers,
The best,
Gospel? In shul?
Are you converting, Agnes? Maybe help your career,
That's a loaded question,
What does it mean? That quote,
According to the effort is the reward,
Persistence is the only thing in this life,
To survive, you,,, You,,, you keep going,
And we're rewarded, ultimately,
We're flipping channels, here,
How are we being rewarded?
Well, sometimes waiting is part of the effort,
I put in a lot of effort,
Where's my reward?
Coleslaw and a new bra,
Oh, in fact, I'm ordering you a pretty lilac one as we speak,
That'll be your reward for the day,
I don't want a lilac bra and I don't
want to eat the coleslaw,
Eat the coleslaw, Mm, isn't this something?
Makes you almost believe in God,
I believe in Zabar's,
I didn't know you believed in God, Maude,
I said almost,
♪ I see your outline in the dark ♪
♪ I can hear the blood run in your heart ♪
♪ When we're in each other's arms ♪
♪ Stillness of the night is here ♪
♪ With all the riot of our fear ♪
♪ Trying to re-open our scars ♪
♪ But nothing in this life is real ♪
♪ And time alone won't help to heal ♪
♪ We're getting to the hardest part ♪
♪ Time is running out for us ♪
♪ And all our dreams will turn to dust ♪
♪ Never dreamed it be so hard ♪
♪ It's tearing me apart ♪
♪ Must be something that I can do ♪
♪ I'm through with chasing stars ♪
♪ And howling at the moon ♪
♪ I'm done with being young ♪
♪ And waiting for life to start ♪
♪ You're not the only one ♪
♪ Who's got a fragile heart ♪
Ow,
- This relationship,,, - Actually right
when you broke up,
Oy, I am so full,
I think you're going to have to cut me out of my dress,
That's the great thing about maternity clothes,
it's all stretch,
Thank you for coming tonight,
Thanks for having me,
This was really beautiful and food was delicious,
I needed this,
I heard that, uh, because of the breakup
and the baby, you weren't going to be returning to class,
So, I wanted to offer in-person, if it's useful to you,
To continue meeting,
If you want to continue your journey through Judaism,
I'd like that,
Hey, You're gonna have a baby,
It's exciting, isn't it?
It is, but,,,
the thought of doing it on my own is,,,
Hey, you're not gonna be on your own,
Even if you and Levi don't get back together, you have friends,
You have me, I'm serious,
Babies love me, and the Schneiders will
be great grandparents,
And yeah, Levi will be a good dad no matter what,
You may have noticed that Jews make a really
big deal out of funerals and death
and dying which, to some, can seem grim, but,,,
I know, Levi's parents go to, like, two funerals a week,
They love them, It's like they have season tickets,
Okay, to outsiders,,,
especially those who grew up believing in the afterlife,
the Jewish language around death and the rituals
around grieving can seem excessive,
But for us, death is finite,
It's a full stop, Someone we love is gone forever,
That's why we mourn so much,
We're not going to see them again in another life,
With each new life we reexperience the miracle
of creation and reaffirm our covenant with God,
Death is poignant because life is fleeting,
Look, I don't know if I'll ever be
a religious person,
I don't know if I'll convert,
Um, the kind of commitment that you're
asking for, it scares me, to be honest,
but what I do know is that I want to keep learning,
And I'd like to keep studying with you if I can,
Okay,
I'll email you a schedule and we can pick up where we left off,
Get back to work,
- Great, - Until then, macaroon?
Why not?
- Cheers, - Cheers,
L'chaim,
Mm, l'chaim,
- Remember,,, remember l'chaim? - Yes,
Hey, Dad, Oh, sorry, I'll come back later,
No, no, no, come on in,
I was just, uh, finishing my morning prayers,
I have to go build a crib at home,
Mm-hmm,
At Agnes's,,, uh, in the nursery,
Um, I feel like she should stay at our place with the baby,
Ah, come on in and sit for a minute, Come on,
Okay,
Do you know what the purpose of praying with tefillin is?
To remind us of the Exodus,
Ah, for me, it reminds me of the things
in life that bind me together,
The people that ground me,
Your mother, you and your siblings,
uh, and the love that I have for all of you,
And, uh, Glaucia Eduarda and Agnes, too,
- We all love Agnes, - I love Agnes, too, A lot,
But it's not going to work,
I mean, we're going to co-parent,
but we're not going to be together,
What does that even mean?
It means we're gonna take turns parenting,
We're gonna see each other, but we're not gonna get married,
Look, Dad, I don't really want to talk about it,
Well, I,,, I'm very sorry to hear that,
Yeah, you're not thrilled that now
I can marry some Jewish girl?
No, no, no, no, no, I think you've misunderstood,
I've heard this lecture before,,,
Was I disappointed when both of my sons were
in serious relationships with non-Jewish girls?
Yes, I was, at first,
It was a,,, a,,, a fear of losing or diluting our heritage,
A fear that was instilled in me when I was a child,
My father,,,
I know, he died in the Holocaust,
and that's why I'm not going to dishonor that legacy,
What, that's what you think?
That that's what would happen if you married Agnes?
Levi, life is difficult enough,
Why make it harder for yourself?
I don't understand what you're talking about,
Do you know why Jews emphasize marrying other Jews?
To keep the tribe alive,
It's a mantra perpetuated and motivated by fear,
And making decisions based on fear can only back you up
further into the prison you were hoping to escape from,
I,,, I can see that you and Agnes are in love,
The way she looks at you from across the room, you're in love,
And you have become a man,
It didn't happen at your Bar Mitzvah,
It happened when you met Agnes,
I had no idea that you felt this way,
Well,,, come and chat with me more often,
What I have to say, it might surprise you,
When I look at you, Levi,
I am filled with nachas,
You remember that word from Hebrew school, yes?
It means you're proud of me,
Proud, I,,, Proud? I'm beaming,
I'm all filled up, I love you,
Love you, too, Dad,
Where'd Aunt Millie go this time?
Mm, Bhutan,
Last time she was trying to find herself
she was gone for three years,
so hopefully I'll be here for a while,
Okay, I'm serious, do whatever you want to it,
You should see what I did to the nursery,
Seriously, Agnes, it's already screwed up,
I think it's luminous,
Do something to it, please, I'm begging you,
Okay, If you insist,
I insist,
Hmm,
So, uh, where's Levi staying?
At his parents' place,
We texted to coordinate Ernie's pickup
and drop-off schedule, but it was strained,
I'm just a terrible person who messes everything up,
Does he know about Nate?
Yes, I had to tell him,
And you're not a messed-up person, you're just having
a terrible time and a terrible wedding,
Everett texted me,
What does it say?
"I hope you're feeling better,"
I'm around if you ever need to talk to someone,
"Take care, E,"
Ooh, "Take care," Brutal,
It's like I don't know how to be without Levi,
What should I write back?
"New phone, who's this?"
It's all going to be okay, you know that, right?
Okay, what the hell did you do to my work of art?
You're kidding me, right?
Yes,
I actually kinda like it,
Yes, I think the crimson adds a,,,
A warmth to it,
- Dewy dynamic, tension,,, - Sh, sh-sh-sh,
It's okay,
- Sorry, - You can stay here,
but you have to just shut up and eat,
Roger Roger,
Oh, come on, just say it and then I'll shut up,
Over over,
Clearance Clarence,
Satisfied?
For now,
And to show our reluctance to say
this final farewell, we start with the shovel upside down,
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
No, I am not okay!
I'm dead!
No, no, you're not dead,
you're just in the grave, Um, hold on,
Help is on the way,
It's not as bad as I thought
it would be down here,
It's gonna be okay, Don't cry,
Bubbie's in a better place,
If you believe in that, I, personally, do not,
Abe and I are sorry,
Daphna's my only real girlfriend,
I had noticed that, yes,
No, no, what I'm trying to say is,,,
we,,, I,,,
We miss you,
Abe and I are working on being more thoughtful,
Levi's been so sad,
I just think that you need to go out with him and talk,
He's been smoking,
- Crack or meth? - Cigarettes,
Mm, that's good, Meth is a real gateway drug for him,
What was he addicted to to begin with?
None of your business, Well, he did a lot of drugs,
Most of the drugs slash all of the drugs
at one point or another,
Wait, what happened to your accent?
Okay, please don't hate me,
Please, But I'm actually from New Jersey,
Wait, what? Why would you lie about that?
I mean, so many legends are from New Jersey,
Cory Booker, Meryl Streep, Bruce Springsteen,
I just thought that I'd be more successful
if I had a more chic, international identity,
Does Abe know?
I came clean to him a few months into seeing him,
He understood, and supported my persona
- as a savvy business choice, - Of course he did,
I just kept thinking that if I got
ahead in my career, I'd be happy,
And somewhere along the way I forgot to be compassionate,
Or authentic,
Which is the whole point of my industry,
When you say industry,
which industry exactly are you referring to?
And I can't truly be a,,, A,,, a successful healer
without that, Without empathy,
I started therapy, finally,
I've been diagnosed as orthorexic,
It's an eating disorder,
It essentially means you eat too well,
I still don't entirely get what's wrong with that,
but whatever,
I ate a cheeseburger yesterday,
You didn't meet the blessed cow first?
I went to Shake Shack and I ate three burgers
and five orders of French fries and I just sat there
in the middle of the street just stuffing my face with meat,
That's great, That's a big step forward,
I mean, it's exposure therapy,
Sounds like you've really hit rock bottom,
I mean, we've,,, literally hit rock bottom,
Yeah, About that, Let's get out of here,
I'll give you a boost,
I should give you the first boost, Really,
No, no, don't be silly,
Wait, actually I am getting kind of freaked out
down here and I'm the pregnant one,
so, maybe, yeah, Okay,
Water on the bridge, That's the expression, right?
Under the bridge, I believe,
I'm so sorry that we lost Bubbie,
I was devastated to hear about Nate,
The idea of eternity is actually really upsetting,
I mean, the thought of all of us living somewhere else
together forever, it's not actually comforting,
even though it seems like it kind of should be,
I should've never let you leave that night,
It wasn't entirely your fault,
I'm,,, I know I can overreact and,,,
I just felt like you weren't hearing me,
You're right, I wasn't listening,
And I should've said something to Abe,
He was out of line,
I'm sorry, Agnes, and I'm sorry for asking you to pretend,
I'm sorry, too,
Glaucia and I made up, actually,
She apologized,
In the grave?
Nowhere to go but up,
Well, that's good, I guess,
Look, I don't want you to be anybody other than who you are,
And I want to be with you and with Ernie,
Please marry me,
Please, And,,,
I don't want you to convert or any of that,
I want to marry you, too,
And you should know that I've still
been taking classes with Rabbi Cohen,
and as it turns out, I'm actually already Jewish,
Nate left me a letter,
He changed his name from Wilderman to Wild
when he became an actor,
It actually kind of makes sense,
But you went to Catholic school,
He said he lived in a time when antisemitism
was even more prevalent and he thought his life
would just be simpler if he changed his last name,
You know what's funny, I went to Catholic school
only to end up at Jewish school with you, only to find out
that I was already who I thought I was, all along,
And very unimportant side note, but I made out
with, um, Everett James and puked
and, uh, slept in his guest bedroom and held his Oscar,
The award that he keeps in his guest bedroom
where I slept and where he did not,
I hate that,
You went out with Daphna,
That's actually different,
She's a stalker, She's, like, an actual stalker,
Oh, my God, you dramatize it so much,
She's not stalking you,
Agnes and Levi,
Oh, my God,
Oh, my God, It's happening,
Oh, my God,
It's happening? Call an ambulance,
We don't need an ambulance, just a moving vehicle,
Moving vehicle,
Next up we have Theodore Nathaniel Schneider
presenting on Buddhism,
We made the bald cap out of a pair of pantyhose,
I like that,
Mum, Dad, can you sit right here?
I would like to start my discussion
with the Four Noble Truths,
While prominent in the Theravada strain
of contemporary Buddhist thought,
these truths serve as an essential
and necessary function of any Buddhist practice,
I, myself, find them very useful
to combat the stress of my every day fourth grade life,
Homework, crushes, planning my birthday parties, etc,
Like when Billy Bostick makes fun of me in math class,
That's not something I'm gonna dwell on because,
if you strive to live in the moment,
as I do, then these four truths,
these four laws, or rules, I like to refer to them,
shouldn't necessarily govern to how you see the world,
We all experience anxiety, sadness and loss,
That's how we know we're alive,
And I'm here to educate you about Buddhism,
and to remind you that
spirituality is something separate,
Something personal to you,
And I'm here to tell you that everything will turn out
okay if you believe in the truth and have compassion
and just, you know, love yourself and your neighbors,
and everything will turn out as it should,
And the world will be a better place because you lived in it,
Oh, oh, you're scaring her with that nose,
Oh, Oh, I'm sorry,
It's not Rudolph, Atlantis, it's Daddy,
Honey, she,,, She doesn't look happy,
What's that smell?
Oh, Did you bring the poop diary?
Oh, Poop diary,
Do we have cloth diapers?
Weird, They're weird,
Who's winning?
Uh, so far, I am, I,,, I don't know how that,,,
- how that happens, - Here, it kinda matches,
All right, I'm going with a more traditional,
Here we go, I'm gonna get a drink,
Yeah, Eggnog,
Yeah, eggnog,
Merry Hannukah,
Hi, honey, Where ya been?
Cooking,
Really?
Oh, very good, Theo,
Well, now I'm winning,
Theo, are you robbing your grandfather blind?
No,
I gotta save that money for college,
- Woohoo! - Beautiful, Beautiful,
Merry Christmas,
I think that's all we have to eat,
What did you,,, you brought the,,,
My buckwheat biscuits,
Oh, we gotta take them out of the oven,
- They're gonna burn, - Oh, my God,
We have a fiasco,
Happy Hannukah,
Let's eat, Levi,
I owe you,,, How much money do I owe you?
About, like, a hundred bucks or something,