HE PANTS
HE SOBS
CHILDREN LAUGH AND SHOUT
Look at me, Daddy!
Oh, wow, honey, amazing,
Come on, Here we go, We're here now,
Do you wanna go on the swings? Yeah? On the swings,
Yeah! There you go,
Right, off you go!
Quickly, SHE CHUCKLES
Cold,
HE MIMICS A SHIVER Yeah,
HE MUMBLES
What age is your little one? He's five, Harry,
Hi, Harry, This is Charlie, She's five too,
Hey, Charlie, PHONE RINGS
Do you live nearby?
Yeah, yeah, You?
Yeah, just over by the big church,
I love it round here,
It's a great community, I never wanna leave,
Yeah, Oi! That's my swing!
Whoa, whoa, Don't do that, please,
Get off the swing, it's mine, No, no, please, please,
Leonardo, get back here now! I think your dad's calling you,
Leonardo, get off! Sorry about that, mate,
No, it's,,, it's,,, it's fine, We've been on it for ages,
SMACK Argh!
What are you doing?
I'm sorry, What did I tell you?
I'm sorry, Don't do that again,
Shall,,, Shall we go home and have lunch, Harry?
Let's go get your big sister,
I can't believe you did that!
Call the police,
Oh, I,,, I don't think we need to do that,
You need to get your missus under control, mate,
She's not my wife, I don't know her, He just hit his son!
You just hit your son! Yeah?
What you gonna do? SHE GRUNTS
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Whoa, hey! Mate, please,
Get away from me! What you doing?
Oh, no, no, no, MAN GRUNTS
HE GASPS Jesus!
Please! HE GASPS
HE PANTS
Daddy forgot Violet, Silly Daddy!
Violet?! Violet?!
Have you seen,,, Have you seen a little girl anywhere?
What age is she? She's,,, She's nine,
She's nine, Oh, Violet, Sweetheart!
Did you see the attack? I did, It was horrible,
I can,,, I can tell the police all about it,
Why didn't you do something, man?
What? Like intervene? Look at her,
I,,,
I,,, I could,,,
Excuse me, Excuse me, Cross, cross, cross, cross,
Fi! Fi!
John? Take the kids, Take the kids!
What's going on? I've got to get out of here,
John?
Where are you going?!
BREATHES SHAKILY
PANTS SOFTLY
BREATHING QUICKENS
Sorry! Oh, Jesus, Fi!
I really need to pee!
CHILDREN YELL IN BACKGROUND
Oh, so, the neighbours have invited us over for dinner,
Which neighbours?
The Christians, Oh, God!
Yeah, Oh, and get this, turns out,,, she's a vicar,
A female vicar? It's like we never left Dalston!
Can we swear in front of her?
Can we,,, Can we mention we have gay friends?
Oh, I love it when you're wet, It reminds me of our first kiss,
John! Stop it, The kids might come in,
We should find time tonight, Oh, there's too much going on,
I want you to handcuff me to the bed and do anything you want to me,
We've got dinner with the vicar,
After dinner with the vicar,
HE SIGHS We'll be too tired,
Remember I'm seeing that therapist today,
Who's looking after the kids? You are,
I'm working! Fi, I told you about this last week,
I've got a meeting with the publisher
and I'm already behind schedule,
And when are you gonna move these boxes?
OK, I'm sorry, I'll do it today,
So what am I supposed to do?
Take them with you, Don't be ridiculous!
You don't take your kids to therapy!
Just stick them in front of a screen, It'll be fine,
It's what you usually do,
We're going out now! Hurry up, both of you, come on,
Stop messing around, No! I wanna stay at home!
John? Harlequin caught a mouse,
Eurgh, That's not a mouse, That's a rat!
Get away,,, Don't touch it!
Come on, Get,,, Get away,
Get in the car, I believe we're having dinner tonight,
Finally, a chance to get to know each other better,
Get in the car! Yeah, looking forward to it,
On your feet! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Stop fighting, Fingers, No!
Would you care to come along to my Bible group beforehand?
Yeah, I'm running a bit late,
Don't forget what happened to Jonah,
He kept running away from God and ended up in the belly of a fish,
HE CHUCKLES
You get going, I'll take care of this guy,
Put it in! No, never!
# ,,had a farm Ee-eye, ee-eye, oh
# And on that farm he had a cow Ee-eye, ee-eye, oh,,,
# Baa-baa here, baa-baa there
# Here a baa, there a baa Everywhere a baa-baa
# Old MacDonald had a farm
# Old MacDonald had a cow
# Ee-eye, ee-eye, oh,,, #
Right, can we turn the music off now, please? - No!
Shush!
Why did we move here? I miss my friends,
You're the worst daddy in the world and I hate you, You're evil,
Thanks, Harry, That's really nice
Harry, Daddy's not EVIL, He's just useless and old,
HARRY CHUCKLES
So, what is it you'd like us to work on today, John?
You mentioned an incident in London?
I don't know if I'm comfortable talking about that,
We don't have to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable,
You mentioned intimacy with your wife has been an issue,
Shall we start there instead?
When did you last do it?
Been a while,
Why did you stop?
Did,,, Did something happen?
This morning,,,
,,she tried to grab my penis,
And why did she do that?
Well, she was trying to initiate sex,
I was erect,
Perhaps she thought that YOU were trying to initiate sex?
Given your,,,
,,your tumescence,
Well, I'd been,,,
,,masturbating in the shower,
Were you thinking about your wife when you were masturbating?
Does anyone think about their wife? JOHN CHUCKLES
Do you think about your wife?
I'm,,, I'm not married, so,,, HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Fergie,
Hmm?
I was thinking about Fergie,
HE STAMMERS
Fergie? You know Fergie? She's a MILF pop singer, American,
Oh, God, right!
For a second, I thought you meant Sir Alex Ferguson,
JOHN CHUCKLES No, no! God! No, no,
You also could've meant the Duchess of York,
Sarah Ferguson, yeah, That would be,,,
Yep, ,,quite an orgy,
THEY CHUCKLE
MILF stands for "Mum I'd like to fuck",
Yes,
Shall we talk about YOUR mother?
I don't think we're there yet,
OK,
MUFFLED CRYING
SHUSHING What's the matter, Harry?
Oh, come and give Mummy a cuddle, He's been crying like that all day!
Have you checked his temperature? I think he's not well,
I couldn't find the thermometer, SHE SIGHS
Look, do you mind if I go for a run?
Could you make me a cup of tea before you go?
Oh, love, Love, Harlequin!
Come on,
How was therapy? Fine, yeah,
Did you tell him about,,,?
Well, you don't just leap into the serious stuff in your first session,
It's like a first date,
You keep your cards close to your chest
before they see the monster inside,
Did you tell him what a monster I've been?
At some point, we are gonna have to talk about this, John,
TEASPOON RATTLES
Thank you,
Oh, we need cough medicine for Harry,
Right, fine, I'll have to run tonight,
So you have enough energy for a run, but not for sex?
I feel,,, old and shit,
You're gorgeous,
Oh, erm, can you check if they have oat milk?
DOOR SLAMS
TYRES SCREECH
DOORBELL CHIMES
Excuse me, Sorry,
DOOR CHIMES
No! Angus, no! All right, darling!
Angus, get out! Ah, come on, Dinnae be weird,
You've been told!
I just want my ice cream, right? No!
Put it back,
How many times do you need to be told? Put it back,
He said if you come in here, I can't serve you,
Aye, well, bring him out, so I can talk to him,
You're barred!
ANGUS CHUCKLES Barred from the Co-op?
Uh-huh, You cannae bar somebody from the Co-op! It's the Co-op!
Angus, I'm not allowed to serve you, Wait, wait, wait, Look, one beer,
No! One beer!
I won't even take the ice cream, I'm not serving you,
THUMP
You believe this?
Bitch won't serve me,
SHE SCOFFS
Probably best to leave it, then,
You got a problem with me, pal? SHE SIGHS
Leave it, Angus,
No, no, No?
It just,,, sounds like you've got a problem?
No,
Gonnae fuck off, then?
Well, I,,, I have to,,, You have to fuck off, aye?
I need cough medicine for my son, He has a cough,
All right, aye,
Aye, see, if I cannae have ice cream,
you cannae have cough medicine, so,,,
Angus! Fuck,,,
,,off!
I'll just leave this, That's good,
I'll just leave this here, Aye, just leave it there,
HE SNORTS BACK PHLEGM
Oh, where are you going, eh?
Hey!
Hey, where do you think you're going, eh?!
Ah, here, that's a nice motor, by the way,
JOHN STAMMERS
Jesus, Can I get a lift?
Here, Oh, here, Open the door,
Here! Open the door!
Oh, fuck, Where do you think you're going?
ANGUS CACKLES Where do you think you're going?!
Eh? I'm coming to find you! I know where you live!
- You better watch your back, mate! - Watch your back!
ANGUS CHUCKLES
ANGUS YELLS
Fu,,,
You fuck off,,, prick!
HORN TOOTS
Prick!
Me, me, me! DOORBELL RINGS
Just do it the once, No more than once,
Hello!
Hello, Come on in, Come on in,
It's lovely to see you, Welcome, guys,
Thank you so much for having us!
Oh, please, come in and make yourself at home,
Come on, And you must be the lovely John,
Why's she kissing Daddy? Come on in, Come on in,
Tommy's just in there, He's finishing off with the Bible group,
Go on, off you pop,
Who have we got here? So, this is Harry,
,,gambling, cursing, stealing, fornicating,
Or trying to fornicate, anyway, CHUCKLING
So, why did I come to believe?
What was it that finally convinced me?
Well,,,
this guy,
This guy,
Jeffrey Dahmer, of course, Dr Harold Shipman,
Fred West, Peter Sutcliffe,
A host of others, How could such evil bring me to God?
Because as far as I could tell, their evil was of a magnitude
that couldn't be explained away by science or psychology,
"Oh, he had a domineering mother,"
Or, "He experienced rejection at an early age,"
No, Does that explain
ripping a man's heart out of his chest and eating it
or defiling the corpse of a cheerleader?
Through these apparent monsters,
I came to believe in the existence of perfect evil,
And if perfect evil exists,
then so, too, must perfect,,, good,
Ultimately, every killer desires to be discovered,
John, meet the boys! This is Bobby,
Hi, Hi, Brick,
Malky, Hello,
Take a pew,
I don't remember Jeffrey Dahmer in the Bible,
No, we are a Bible group,
but truth be told, we've been getting a bit bored of the Bible,
So many times you can trudge through Leviticus,
What do you like to talk about? Football,
Women, Cars,
It's a safe space, Well, safe for us anyway,
THEY CHUCKLE Oh!
One more chap you haven't been introduced to,
Good evening,
I'm Williams,
I was in at the bathroom, And your name is?
So, Angus just attacked you out of nowhere?
You wanna talk about serial killers,
it was like having Ed Gein coming at me!
CHUCKLES Ed Gein! Angus is like Ed Gein!
Gein is the one that Hitchcock based Psycho on, wasn't he?
Yeah, that's right,
Yes! John loves horror movies,
I can't stand them!
Why watch something that keeps you awake all night?
Maybe that's why you never sleep, Huh, maybe,
Honestly! Anything with a haunted doll
or a creepy child, I am there!
Satanic cults, Oh, I adore Satanic cults!
Ladies and gentlemen, your local pastor!
LAUGHTER I do,,,
Well, I mean, I do feel sorry for poor Angus, though,
Oh, here we go, No, I do,
He's all alone up there in the woods,
MIMICS DELIVERANCE BANJO TUNE
It's not funny, Tommy, As a child, he obviously had difficulties
that were never properly addressed, And he was tormented at school,
It's just,,, I'm sorry, but having a difficult childhood is no excuse
for violently harassing a young woman
working a minimum wage job,
It's just not, Oh, I do admire Catriona,
Ooh! She's just this young woman and she supports herself with two jobs,
She's a fantastic example to the community,
And our son, Cameron, he's had a crush on her for years, hasn't he?
Because she's absolutely gorgeous!
She certainly is,
Oh, also, I saw this in the shop,
Uh-oh! Rebecca's bete noire, Who killed Suzie Bissett?
Malky runs the murder tour,
What, is it real? Sadly, yes, it is,
Suzie Bissett was murdered here in Coldwater,,,
When was it, darling? Must be 25 years?
Thereabouts, yeah, Do they know who did it?
No, they never caught the killer,
I mean, it was widely assumed that it was her boyfriend or her,,, pimp!
What was his name?
Brodie,,, Dwyer, That's it,
She was the local prostitute, so it could've been anyone,
You're meant to call them sex workers,
I think it's shameful that Malky tries to make a profit from it,
I've told him that, Good,
Because it gives a terrible impression of Coldwater,
Like we're a den of ultra violence!
It's actually really quiet here, Well, quietness is what we're after,
John was always attracting trouble in London,
Well,,, I wouldn't put it like that,
You were always getting into violent confrontations
with dangerous men!
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, that'll be the boy,
Has he forgotten his keys again? Will he ever remember them?
Never remembers the keys, doesn't matter where you put them,
Where's your key? I don't know,
We've got guests, Come and say hello,
Cameron, this is John, Fiona,
Hello, Hi,
Aren't you gonna say hello?
Oh, get off his back, Tommy!
Do you want some dinner, darling? No, thanks, Mum, I've eaten,
Nice to meet you, John,,, Fiona,
Will you just give him a break?
He's just a bit shy around strangers, Tommy,
I'm just gonna check on Harry and Violet,
He's a really sweet, sensitive boy, actually,
'Hey, watch what you're doing, dude,
'You're gonna take my head off,'
What you watching?
I didn't know you were famous! Oh, no, I am not famous, Seriously,
Come on, We've googled you, Fiona,
We've seen the photographs, MIMICS BEEPS
We did have lots of famous people coming to the restaurant,
Rebecca tells me you're writing a book?
Yeah,,, Oh, God, who knows if anyone will actually read it,
But,,, FI CHUCKLES
Erm, I have a publisher
and a pressing deadline, and it's all very stressful,
Oh, it just sounds so exciting and glamourous,
Oh, no, it's really not,
I'm more impressed that you're a vicar!
Crikey, no! No, no, no, no,
My life is very dull, I'd wager, compared to yours,
I wish someone would pay me to write a book about my life,
Yes, I could tell some stories,
Yeah,
Yeah, I've just got in,
My dad's got the neighbours round,
The ones from London,
Aye, yeah, he's old,
Dresses like a teenager, but he's well into his 40s,
A bit of a loser,
What, the Co-op?
Angus Gillespie?
What did he say to him?
CAMERON CHUCKLES
As I said, a loser,
Can I help you?!
Sorry,,, I just,,, John?
Can you give me a wee hand?
Rebecca says I burn everything, I insisted on cooking anyway,
Listening to your wife talking about her fancy restaurant past
is making me a bit nervous,
Don't worry, She's not judgmental about other people's cooking,
I'm not worried about your wife, I'm worried about mine,
I can't have her taking the mickey out of me every day
for the next month!
I think I can fix it, Yeah?
Mm-hm, Have at it,
Yes, cheers, Cheers, cheers, cheers,
Do you know what, Fiona, I was thinking -
you should really come to church some time,
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Well, we,,, we don't believe in God,
Neither do I!
LAUGHS What?
Nooo! No, but don't tell Tommy that!
He's still a firm believer, bless him,
You see, for me, it's more about,,,
Well, it's more about being a part of a community,
Oh, And if there is a God,
God is people,
So what do you do for a living, John?
Er,,, nothing,
I look after the kids,
Full time?
Yep, Oh, Good for you,
No, seriously, Cameron hates me now,
cos I was never really around much back then,
You've got a hot tub!
SHE GASPS Get in!
Can I? Yes, get in!
Oh, here we go,
I wish there was water in it, No, there's no water in it!
Oh, thank you, There you go,
May I join you? Yes, it's lovely,
SHE COOS
And that there, that's,,, that's Tommy's shed,
Now, a word of advice,
never get John a shed if you ever wanna see him again,
I mean, he practically lives in that shed,
Heaven knows what goes on in there!
I don't think I want to know, THEY GIGGLE
Listen, I've gotta ask you, why,,, why did you move here?
Well, cos I thought it was the perfect place
to write my book, that's all,
John was OK with that?
Yeah! John wanted to move here more than I did,
He couldn't wait to leave London,
I'm really glad you're here,
Aw,
So, how was therapy?
Williams told me,
He was all excited cos he hasn't had a new client in years,
And he said it was someone who'd moved into the area recently,
So, come on, who else could it be?
OK,
I'm a nosy bugger, aren't I?
Sorry, I can see you like to keep your cards close to your chest,
No, I think I'm quite open, really,
So, why did you come here?
To Scotland? Mm,
We've always liked it here,
And we decided it was time for a change,
Because,,,?
Well, I mean,,,
Just people don't suddenly change unless something's wrong or,,,
,,I don't know,
Well, I,,, I,,, I have this,,,
I suppose it's a kind of,,, PTSD thing,
Ah!
I haven't really slept since it happened,
Since what happened?
Oh, wh,,,
When I was in London, I was in a play park with the kids,
And this man, he,,, he hit his kid,
This woman intervened,
And, erm,,,
,,he hit her,
He kicked her in the stomach,
And I ran away,
I ran away, and I left Violet behind,
I abandoned my,,,
I abandoned my girl,
They'll grow up knowing their father's a coward,
I don't believe that for a second, Look at today, how you intervened,
You let Angus take out all his rage on you,
instead of young Catriona,
You're a good man, John,
Would you pray with me?
Er, what? Will you join me in prayer?
Ah, no, I, er,,, I'm not a,,,
No, Why not?
I don't pray,
Would you like to try it?
Come on, don't make me look like a fool in front of the big man,
JOHN CHUCKLES
Thank you, Lord, for bringing John and Fiona,
and their children into this community,
Thank you for John's honesty and his friendship,
We come before you tonight, Lord, to ask for strength,
For humility,
We remember that when you walked on the water
and you asked Peter to join you,
he needed courage before he could take the first step,
I swear he's burnt this dinner, I knew he would,
I should never have let him bloody cook! Come on,
We ask you for that same courage,,,
,,that you showed your disciple, Peter,
Amen,
I'll go and check on the children,
Amen,
Mwah! Thank you so much,
You're welcome,
Oh, look at these precious little angels,
I wish we could have another, Come on, then,
Hey! Stop it, you,
You'll wake the bairns!
"Bairns," Listen to you, Thanks for having us tonight,
Listen,,,
,,call me anytime,
Thanks, Tommy,
Watch the steps,
Put me down! Night, night,
I can walk by myself! All right, all right!
Thank you, Night, night, Good night,
Bye-bye,
Oh, come on, A lot to talk about!
So, listen to this, she told me she's an atheist,
JOHN SCOFFS Rebecca?
Yeah! Oh, well,,,
I thought you'd be more surprised,
Well, I imagine most vicars don't really believe all of it,
The Virgin Birth, The miracle of the 12 fishes,
12 fishes? She was probably saying it to seem normal,
The last thing those people are is normal,
Well, I liked them, Seriously?
Didn't you?
I love Rebecca, I think she's mad and she's funny,
Well, I love Tommy,
He's so comfortable in his own skin, He's authentic,
I get the impression,,,
,,you're not a fan,
He makes my skin crawl,
Come on,
Do you think we should go to church?
I think that praying's done something to your head,
Well, I did get something from it, What?
I don't know, just a feeling,
Like someone was looking out for me, Mm,
Can I tell you what I got from it? What?
I liked seeing you on your knees,
Fi,,,
Ah, fuck, Fi, Fi, stop, stop, please,
Fuck! FUCK! I'm sorry,
We don't have to actually do anything,
It's just nice to be close,
We can't leave,
Hmm? We can't go back to London,
Why are you saying that?
Because I think you're already considering it,,,
No, I'm not, ,,if it doesn't work out,
If what doesn't work out?
The whole "cook book" thing, Don't call it a "cook book",
It is a cook book, It's a culinary memoir,
I'm just saying,,,
You're not a literary talent, and,,,
and this is a new enterprise
and it's not as if you're exactly Philip Roth,
I know I'm not Philip Roth! I'm not trying to be Philip Roth,
You don't know who Roth is, Portnoy's Complaint,
American Pastoral, OK, so you do know who he is,
I can't believe you said that,
I just meant,,, I don't know what I meant,
Well, we can't go back to London
because you might abandon Violet in a play park again!
Sorry,
JOHN SIGHS
Play park was YOUR fault,
Is that what you really think?
Yeah,
Wow,
Just being honest,
Well, maybe that's the best thing about moving here is that we can,,,
we can start being more truthful with each other,
Look, I get resentful because, I mean,
you're the one who wanted to move here
and I feel like I'm doing everything, and,,,
and you don't appreciate it, I'm the one looking after the kids,
You hate being with them, I do not hate being with them,
I'm just not a naturally good father,
I have to work at it,
You ARE a good father!
But your mind's somewhere else, Look, I'm the same,
I keep worrying that we've done the wrong thing, And I'm,,,
,,I'm terrified that I'm gonna fail,
You're not gonna fail, Fi, you're not gonna fail,
And as for settling in here, we made the decision,
We'll just embrace it,
That's what winners like us do,
You still love me, don't you?
Totally,
Do you still love me?
Completely,
THUD WHISPERS: What was that?
I don't know, Well, go and see!
'I'm coming to find you! I know where you live!'
RATTLING
Oh, Jesus! JOHN BREATHES HEAVILY
EXHALES DEEPLY
ANIMAL BARKS
JOHN PANTS
UNDERGROWTH SNAPS
Hey!
ANGUS CHUCKLES
All right, big man, What you doing here?
It's me, Hey!
Oi! Hey!
Dinnae just fucking ignore me when I'm calling after you, eh?
What do you fucking want?!
Are you following me? What?
I feel like you're stalking me or something,
Of course I'm not stalking you,
Aye, well, I told you to watch your back, though, didn't I?
ANGUS LAUGHS MANICALLY
Just leave me alone,
"Just leave me alone!"
Fucking English poof,
Wanker, What did you just call me?
GRUNTING
ANGUS GROWLS
ANGUS LAUGHS MANICALLY
ANGUS GRUNTS
THUD
JOHN GASPS
THUD, JOHN PANTS
THUD
BIRD CAWS
JOHN PANTS
LAUGHTER ECHOES
John?
BREATHES RAPIDLY
Oh, God,
You're all right, Oh, God,
You're all right, HE SHUSHES
You sure no-one saw you?
There was,,, There was no-one around that I could see,
I left him without a face, He didn't have a face,
That's the dark,
That's your imagination running wild,
Have you called the police?
I'll deal with the police,
I'll deal with Angus,
I have to tell Fiona,
Do,,, not,,, tell,,, her,
You keep this secret,
I killed him,
You don't know that,
Help me,,, to help you, John,
OK?
Why are you helping me?
Cos you're a good man,
There's three steps out of this, You listening?
Shower, sleep,,,
,,silence,
Say it back to me,
Shower,
Sleep,
Silence,
ENGINE TURNS AND REVS
JOHN WEEPS
Daddy,,, I can't sleep,
Hey, you're OK, it's all right,
Come on, now,
It's all right,
Shh, Shh,
There you go,
WHEEZING AND GROANING
ANGUS WHEEZES
LABOURED BREATHING
Shh,,,
Wee Angus,
Come here,
MUFFLED GROANS
GROANING STOPS
God,,, forgive me,
Help me find a way out of this mess,
CAR DOOR SLAMS, FOOTSTEPS
THUD
# Are you washed in the blood
# Oh, are you washed In the blood of the lamb?
# Are you fully trusting In His grace this hour?
# Are you washed In the blood of the lamb?
# Oh, will your soul be ready For the mansion's bright
# And be washed in the blood Of the lamb? #
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