- LIFT YOUR LEG UP,
- THIS SEAT TAKEN?
- WHAT'S GOOD TO EAT HERE?
THE CHOCOLATE EXPLOSION CAKE,
THAT SOUNDS-- THAT SOUNDS GOOD,
OR NOT,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YOU LOOK GOOD,
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- OH, I'M JUST DOING PRESS FOR MY BOOK,
I'M DOING A TOUR,
CRAZY TIME, ACTUALLY,
I WAS AT THIS PARTY LAST NIGHT
WITH ALL THESE FAMOUS PEOPLE THERE,
PRINCE PLAYED AT IT,
IT WAS PRETTY--
PRETTY COOL,
- OH,
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? - JUST WORK,
- WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO AGAIN?
- ANALYTICAL PROCESSING,
DATA MINING,
IT'S REALLY MORE, UM, PREDICTIVE ANALYSIS,
- DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?
WHERE'S HOME AGAIN FOR YOU?
- SEATTLE, - RIGHT, SEATTLE,
- YOU?
- NEW YORK,
- YOU READY, SIR?
- HEY, UH,,,
I'M GONNA GET THAT CHOCOLATE EXPLOSION CAKE,
AND, UH, YOU KNOW WHAT? MAKE IT TWO,
ONE FOR THE LADY OVER THERE,
- NONE FOR ME, THANKS, - NO, GET A--
- NO, ONE IS FINE, ONE IS FINE,
- OKAY,
WE CAN SPLIT IT IF YOU WANT,
- HEY, - HEY,
- I GOTTA GET DOWN TO THE LOBBY, SOMEONE'S PICKING ME UP,
I'M SORRY, DID I WAKE YOU?
- NO, NO, IT'S FINE, FINE,
I LEFT MY NUMBER FOR YOU,
IF YOU'RE, YOU KNOW, IN NEW YORK
AND WANNA GIVE ME A SHOUT,
- I'M NEVER GONNA CALL YOU,
- OKAY,
HAVE A GOOD DAY,
- YOU OKAY?
- YEAH, YEAH,
- I BROKE UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND,
NOT FOR YOU, OBVIOUSLY,
WHY DID I--I DIDN'T--I DON'T KNOW WHY I JUST SAID THAT,
- WELL, I'M MARRIED NOW,
- YEAH, I FIGURED,
HEY, HOW WAS YOUR WEDDING?
YOU HAVE FUN?
WERE THERE A LOT OF PEOPLE AT THE WEDDING?
GRANDMAS, GRANDPAS?
YOU HAVE A BAND OR A DJ?
YOU LIKE TO DANCE?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?
YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GONNA CALL ME, YOU LIED,
WHY'D YOU CALL ME?
WAS IT THE PENIS?
- IT'S HANDSOME,
IT'S A HANDSOME PENIS,
IS THAT WHY?
- THAT'S IT,
- WHY'D YOU CALL?
- MMM,
HMM,
- WHAT?
- TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF,
- LIKE WHAT? - ANYTHING,
- YOU WANNA KNOW MY FAVORITE COLOR?
- YOU LIKE YOUR WORK? - YES, I LOVE IT,
- WHAT?
- COME ON,
- YOU WANNA KNOW MY FAVORITE COLOR?
- NO, I DON'T WANNA KNOW YOUR FAVORITE COLOR,
TELL ME-- TELL ME--
- WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING?
- DO YOU HAVE A MIDDLE NAME?
- MM-HMM, YES, I DO,
- ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME? - NO,
- YOU'RE JUST GONNA KEEP TURNING OFF THE LIGHT?
- YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA BREAK THE FUCKING LAMP OVER YOUR HEAD,
- OKAY,
FINE, YOU GET ONE QUESTION,
ONE,
- HOLD ON, I'M THINKING,
ONLY ONE?
HEH,
- DON'T PUSH IT,
- NO, NO, I GET ONE QUESTION, I GET ONE QUESTION,
- WELL, TIME'S RUNNING OUT,
- TURN THE LIGHT OFF,
- TURN IT OFF? - TURN IT OFF,
- IT'S GOING OFF,
- WHEN'S YOUR NEXT CONFERENCE?
YOU GOT ANY BROTHERS OR SISTERS?
ARE YOUR MOM AND DAD STILL TOGETHER?
ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN?
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A RONALD REAGAN FILM?
DO YOU LIKE VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE?
VANILLA,
CHOCOLATE?
WOULD YOU RATHER BE EATEN BY A SHARK OR DIE IN AN EARTHQUAKE?
- SHARK,
WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE THE SUPERPOWER--
- I DIDN'T EVEN FINISH WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY,
WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE THE SUPERPOWER TO FLY
OR TO TURN ME INTO A BUFFALO?
SEE YA,
I, UH-- I READ YOUR BOOK,
- OH, YEAH?
- IT SURPRISED ME,
- IT'S JUST A BOOK,
- IT'S NOT JUST A BOOK, IT'S A BESTSELLER,
- IT'S IN EVERY AIRPORT,
- YES, IT IS, YES, IT IS,
- I REALLY LIKED IT, - GOOD,
- YOU'RE A VERY GOOD WRITER,
- YES, I AM,
- I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT, - NO, I KNOW,
I'M GOOD,
NO, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE IT,
THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU,
I, UH, UM,,,
I MET SOMEONE, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND,
IT'S, UH, NOT A SERIOUS THING,
I JUST WANTED TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,
THAT--UH, I DON'T KNOW THE RULES,
- WE KEEP ON DOING THIS,
AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE HER FOR ME,
MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEAVE HIM FOR ME,
- OH, MY GOD, I GOTTA GO,
WHAT AM I DOING HERE?
- HAVE A GOOD FLIGHT, - SEE YA,
OH, MY--
OH, SHIT, - HELLO?
- NO, IT'S NOT WORTH IT, IT'S NOT WORTH IT,
DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT,
NO, DON'T DO IT!
- THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
I USED TO BE IN, LIKE, A SPECIAL ED, UM--
I'M SERIOUS,
LIKE, A SPECIAL ED MATH CLASS, AND, UH--
- THEN, LIKE, THIS WAS LAST YEAR?
- IT KIND OF SCARRED ME FOREVER,
AND THERE WAS THIS ONE KID, TIMMY ECKENSTERNER,
AND HE WAS A TOTAL FUCKING FREAK OF NATURE,
AND THERE WAS THIS WONDERFUL GIRL, MARIANNA STEINS,
- SHE WAS BORN WITH A HOLE IN HER HEART,
- WHAT? - YEAH,
SHE WAS, LIKE, A LITTLE THING WITH AN AFRO, AND SHE WAS--
SHE WAS A NEIGHBOR, MARIANNA STEINS,
- DID SHE SURVIVE, OR DID SHE DIE?
- NO, SHE SURVIVED, SHE'S STILL GOING,
SHE'S A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING,
BUT THE KIDS MADE FUN OF HER AND THEN MADE FUN OF ME
'CAUSE I WAS HANGING OUT WITH HER, YOU KNOW?
- WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON YOU EVER KISSED?
CHRISTIAN IVESON,
- IVESON? - BRACES,
HE HAD BRACES, I DID NOT,
- DID HE STICK HIS TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH?
- MM-MM, NO,
HE WAS PRETTY WIMPY,
- HOW ABOUT THE FIRST TIME YOU HAD SEX?
- MM,,,
- HOW OLD WERE YOU?
- 18, COLLEGE,
ALL MY FRIENDS, THEY ALL HAD ALREADY HAD SEX,
SO I ALSO FELT PRESSURE 'CAUSE I WAS, LIKE,
THE ONLY PERSON, YOU KNOW, THAT, LIKE, HADN'T DONE IT YET,
- WHEN WAS--WHO BROKE YOUR HEART THE FIRST TIME?
- ASHLEY LUDDEN,
SHE WOULD NEVER SLEEP WITH ME AND I REALLY WANTED TO MAKE--
LIKE, I WAS, LIKE, "WOW, WE'VE BEEN DATING A LONG TIME,"
I WANTED THIS TO BE THE FIRST GIRL I SLEEP WITH,
- YEAH, - THIS IS GONNA BE SPECIAL,
- AND THEN SHE BROKE UP WITH ME AND FUCKED HALF THE SCHOOL,
- REALLY, SHE DID,
- NO, - YEAH,
IT WAS LIKE-- I DON'T KNOW, I TURNED ASHLEY
INTO A COMPLETE SLUT,
WHERE WAS THAT ASHLEY? WHERE WAS THAT ASHLEY?
YOU EVER HAVE AN EXPERIENCE WITH A GIRL?
- MM-MM, - NO?
OH,
I DID WITH A GUY, - YOU DID?
- YEAH, WHEN I WAS A KID, - YEAH,
- WE'D PLAY, LIKE, G,I, JOES AND THEN I'D GET SHOT,
AND HE'D NURSE ME WITH A BLOW JOB, YOU KNOW?
- WOW, - YEAH,
AND I WAS SO YOUNG, I COULDN'T EVEN COME,
I GOT A BLOW JOB--
- THIS IS NOT GONNA MAKE YOU LIKE ME,
- YOU HAVE, LIKE, THE BLOW JOB CHRONICLES,
- THE BLOW JOB CHRONICLES,
MY FIRST BLOW JOB,,,
STARTED WITH A BOY,
I'M THE KING OF MONACO, SO FUCK EVERYBODY,
I'M THE KING OF THE SERENE REPUBLIC OF SAN MARINO,
I'M THE KING OF LICHTENSTEIN,
- DO YOU WANNA BE MY PRINCESS?
I LEFT MY CROWN AT HOME,
- EXCUSE ME? - I LEFT MY CROWN AT HOME,
- OH, TERRIFIC,
CAN WE GET TWO MORE OF THESE, PLEASE?
BRING THE PAIN!
- I DON'T THINK YOU FEEL ANY PAIN,
- DRINK UP,
- AAH!
- WHAT PART OF THE HOTEL IS THIS?
- WHAT FLOOR ARE WE ON? GO!
OH, NO!
- AAH! THEY'RE COMING AFTER US!
- THEY'RE GONNA GET US! - COME ON, LET'S GO! RUN!
RUN! - OH, MY--
YOU FEEL THE PAIN NOW?
- OH, GOD, GET UP, OKAY, COME ON, COME ON!
- THIS WAY, THIS WAY! - THEY'RE GONNA GET US!
COME ON!
- WHAT'S YOUR ROOM NUMBER? - NUMBER,,,WHA--
IS THIS ME?
COME ON, GET IN, GET IN,
- I LOVE YOUR FEET,
WHEN I SEE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, AND I LOOK DOWN,
AND I SEE UGLY FEET, I GET VERY TURNED OFF
AND VICE VERSA,
IF I SEE GREAT FEET, AND THEN I LOOK UP
AND SEE AN UGLY WOMAN, I MIGHT BE EXTREMELY TURNED ON,
- OH, OH, OH, - WHAT?
NO, IT'S GONNA--WHAT? - IT'S GOOD, IT'S GOOD,
- YOU DON'T LIKE THAT? - NO, THAT'S GOOD,
- THIS NAIL IS SO SMALL,
IT LOOKS SO SAD, THIS NAIL,
BUT YOU HAVE TO--DON'T YOU FEEL FOR THE UNDERDOG A LITTLE?
- I DO, - LIKE, POOR LITTLE GUY?
- IT'S ODD THAT YOU HAVE-- YOU HAVE NO NAIL THERE,
IT'S KIND OF--
IT'S KIND OF FREAKISH, IT'S GETTING KIND OF SCARY,
- SHUT UP AND PAINT IT,
- IS IT THAT YOU--DID YOU DANCE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?
- YEAH, - YOU DID?
- MM-HMM,
- LIKE BALLET? - MM-HMM,
- REALLY?
DID YOU DO MODERN DANCE? - MM-HMM,
- JAZZ? - MM-HMM,
- DID YOU EVER BREAK-DANCE? - MM-MM,
- BAREFOOT POLYNESIAN HULA? - MM-HMM,
- I'M SO BAD AT THIS, - MM-HMM,
WHAT DO YOU EVEN LIKE ABOUT ME?
WOULD YOU TELL ME?
- YEAH, SURE, - OKAY,
DO IT,
- YOU WANT ME TO--
YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU?
- YEAH,
- UM, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- LIST-- LIKE, MAKE A LIST,
- LIKE, A TOP TEN LIST? - YEAH,
- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DO, I CAN'T SUM IT ALL UP,
- IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE,
UM, I THINK YOU'RE A VERY SMART WOMAN,
WHICH ISN'T SAYING MUCH COMPARED TO ME,
BUT IT'S GOOD, VERY GOOD,
UM, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, THAT GOES WITHOUT SAYING,
SEXY,
I LOVE YOUR EYES,
GREAT EYES,
UM, I LOVE YOUR MOLES,
UM,,,
YOUR,,,
THE WAY YOU-- YOU WALK,
LOOK GOOD DOING IT,
UM--
- I FEEL,,,
REALLY UGLY,
JUST A HORRIBLE PERSON,
BUT THEN,,,
I LIKE YOU,
I GO TO SLEEP, AND WHEN I WAKE UP,
I CAN'T CONCENTRATE AT WORK,
I CAN'T--
I LOVE HIM,
I THINK,
HEH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK,
- YEAH,
YEAH,
I KNOW,
WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT ME?
- IT'S OKAY, GO AHEAD,
SEE, IT'S HARD, IT'S NOT EASY,
- I LIKE YOUR LAUGH,
- I LIKE WHEN YOU CRY TOO,
BUT I DON'T LIKE WHEN YOU'RE SAD,
BUT I LIKE WHEN YOU CRY, THERE'S SOMETHING--
- HOW ABOUT BOTH AT ONCE? - WHEN YOU LAUGH AND YOU CRY?
- YEAH, YEAH, I LOVE THAT,
CAN YOU TRY-- CAN DO YOU DO--
AND WHEN YOU LAUGH, YOUR NOSTRILS KIND OF FLARE,
- THEY'RE--THEY'RE ALMOST LIKE BREATHING RIGHT NOW,
- IT'S BEAUTIFUL,
THAT MIGHT BE MY NUMBER ONE, - OH, GOD,
BYE, - BYE,
DON'T GO, - YEAH, LET'S LIVE HERE,
TAKE ANOTHER FLIGHT,
- I CAN'T, HE'S PICKING ME UP FROM THE AIRPORT, I GOTTA GO,
BYE, - BYE,
- I LOVE YOU,
NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS,
RECIPROCAL OR OTHERWISE,
- YES, - YES?
- I LOVE YOU,
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE, THAT'S WHY I'M DOING THIS,
WHAT ARE WE DOING?
- WE'RE--
I DON'T KNOW, YOU TELL ME,
- I DON'T KNOW,
I'D LIKE TO KNOW,
- WE COULD KEEP MEETING, - YOU MEAN CHEATING,
- YEAH, I SUPPOSE,
- WELL, LET'S CALL IT WHAT IT IS,
- I WANNA KEEP DOING THIS,
I'M HAPPY, NO, I'M HAPPY,
OKAY,
YEAH, WELL, I'M STILL WORKING THROUGH THAT SECTION,
OKAY,
THAT'S AWESOME, WARREN,
BYE,
- SO? - SO HE LOVED IT,
- I TOLD YOU, HE'S A GENIUS,
- NO, HE LOVES EVERYTHING THOUGH,
THAT'S HIS WAY,
HE'S VERY-- HE'S ALWAYS VERY KIND,
- NO, NO, I'M TELLING YOU, THIS IS THE ONE,
- THIS THIS THE ONE,
IT'S BETTER THAN THE FIRST ONE, COME ON, TRUST ME,
I KNOW,
- I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT,
- I KNOW I'M RIGHT, - TO MY SECOND BOOK,
- HMM, - YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL,
- SO DO YOU,
IN A MANLY WAY,
- GIVE ME A KISS,
GIVE ME A KISS, - LISTEN,
- I WANT A KISS, - HEY, LOOK OVER THERE,
- HEY, WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING, WE'RE GONNA CLIMB THAT TONIGHT,
WE'RE GOING NUTS TONIGHT, WE'RE GONNA EAT,
WE'RE GONNA EAT LIGHT,
- WE'RE GONNA HAVE A NICE DESSERT,
WE'RE GONNA GET DRUNK ON WINE,
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA FUCKING DANCE,
SERIOUSLY, I'M GIVING YOU A FUCKING NEW YORK TOUR,
IT'S STARTING TONIGHT, STARTING TONIGHT--
- NO, I'VE HAD DINNERS WITH SO MANY PEOPLE FROM NEW YORK,
I'VE WORKED THESE OFFICES, YOU GOT RECOGNIZED TODAY,
- THAT'S SO RARE, IT NEVER HAPPENS,
- I KNOW, AND YET, I MEAN, YOU KNOW,,,
IT'S NOT SAFE,
- I UNDERSTAND,
I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD FEEL PARANOID,
NEW YORK'S A BIG CITY,
I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S GONNA RECOGNIZE YOU,
IF THEY RECOGNIZE YOU, WE CAN BE FRIENDS,
WE CAN BE FRIENDS WALKING AROUND NEW YORK CITY,
- I KNOW, I KNOW, LOOK, I HAVE AN IDEA,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE SORRY,
JUST GIVE IT A CHANCE,
- DOES IT INVOLVE FOOD?
- IT'S GONNA BE GREAT,
- IT BETTER BE, LIKE, THE GREATEST IDEA EVER,
'CAUSE I'M REALLY, REALLY INTO MY IDEA,
- ♪ OOH SO EASY
♪ I GOT YOU WRAPPED
♪ AROUND MY FINGER
♪ OOH YOU'RE SO EASY
♪ I GOT YOU WRAPPED
♪ AROUND MY FINGER
♪ I GOT YOU
- IT'S TOTALLY AMAZING BECAUSE THE FACT THAT THEY
GAVE ME MORE THAN ONE TEAM THIS TIME
MEANS THAT THEY SEE ME AS SOMEBODY WHO, UM--
IT'S GOOD,
IT'S JUST--IT'S REALLY, REALLY, REALLY GOOD,
AND IT MEANS I HAVE THE POWER
TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING FOR ONCE,
THE ONLY PROBLEM IS AARON,
FUCKING AARON IS GONNA TRY AND FUCK THINGS UP FOR ME AS USUAL
'CAUSE HE'S ALWAYS JEALOUS,
NOW IF WE MERGE, THEN I'M GONNA BE IN A POSITION
TO RUN THOSE TEAMS TOO, SO--
I'M COLD,
I CAN HANDLE HIM,
NOW I JUST GOTTA KICK ASS,
THEN I COULD PICK MY PROJECTS
AND ONLY REALLY ANSWER TO CHARLIE,
IT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO ANYWAY,
AM I TALKING TOO MUCH? I'M TALKING TOO MUCH,
- NO,
ARE YOU OKAY? - YEAH, NO, I'M FINE,
- IS THIS YOU STONED?
- HEH,
- YOU GET ALL PARANOID AND DISTANT?
- I'M FINE, I HAD A THING,
- WITH HER? - NO,
- YOU CAN TELL ME ABOUT HER, - NO, IT'S NOT HER,
IT'S JUST-- IT'S NOTHING,
- WHAT?
- MY BOOK GOT KILLED,
LIKE, REALLY KILLED,
REVIEWS WERE--
IT WAS LIKE I MURDERED THEIR CHILDREN OR SOMETHING,
- YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU JUST GOTTA MOVE ON,
IT'S YOUR SECOND BOOK, YOU KNOW?
- MOVE ON, MOVE ON TO WHAT?
IT'S--NO ONE'S GONNA READ MY BOOK NOW,
- WELL, I THINK IT'S GOOD,
NOBODY GIVES A SHIT,
I MEAN, NO ONE CARES,
YOU KNOW, I WANT TO DO SOMETHING IN MY LIFE,
I WANT TO--I WANT-- YOU KNOW, I WANT--
- COME ON, YOU'RE JUST STONED,
COME ON,
- I WANT WHAT I DO TO MATTER, WHAT I DO MATTERS!
AND I DON'T WANT TO JUST MOVE WIDGETS AROUND,
- YOU MEAN LIKE INSURING THE CONTINUING GROWTH
OF MAJOR CORPORATIONS?
- HEY, WITHOUT YOU, WHO WOULD EXPLOIT THE PEOPLE,
RAPE THE LAND, AND MAKE BILLIONS?
- THAT'S NOT VERY FUNNY, - ACTUALLY, IT IS,
- I'M PAID FAIRLY FOR THE WORK I DO,
- WHAT?
HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS BARELY EXIST OVER THE POVERTY LINE,
- MAYBE I DESERVE MORE,
MAYBE MY CONTRIBUTION TO THE HEALTH OF THIS NATION
IS ACTUALLY WORTH MORE,
- DOLLARS, RIGHT? IT'S ALL ABOUT DOLLARS,
- YEAH, ACTUALLY, IT IS,
- YOU DON'T CREATE ANYTHING, I MEAN, WHAT YOU DO--
YOU JUST MOVE NUMBERS AROUND,
- MM, - RIGHT?
- I CREATE EFFICIENCY,
WHICH CREATES WEALTH, - FOR WHAT?
- FOR MONEY,
- IF YOU DO IT FOR THE MONEY, THEN YOU'RE JUST A WHORE,
- I DO IT JUST FOR THE MONEY, - SERIOUSLY,
WOW,
LOOK AT YOU, YOU BOURGEOIS PIG,
- LOOK AT YOU, YOU COMMIE BASTARD,
- SERIOUSLY, - SERIOUSLY?
- YEAH, - OKAY,
SERIOUSLY, I THINK THAT LIFE IS FUCKING SHORT,
AND WE'RE ANIMALS, AND WE HAVE TO FUCKING FIGHT FOR OUR FOOD,
AND THE WEAK DIE, AND THE STRONG SURVIVE,
- WOW, WHO ARE YOU?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?
- YOU'RE LEAVING?
- NOT EVERYONE GETS TO JUST LAY AROUND
AND HAVE THEIR FUCKING FEELINGS ALL DAY LONG, OKAY?
AND, YOU KNOW, GET TO SORT OF TURN EVERYTHING
THAT THEY THINK OR THEY SEE INTO SOME MEANINGFUL REFLECTION
OF LIFE,
THAT MAKES THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE,
IT'S JUST A BOOK,
NOVEL IS ITS LENGTH AT 139 PAGES,
AT LEAST ONE ONLY HAS TO SUFFER THROUGH IT BRIEFLY,
IT'S NOT JUST A BOOK,
- WHY WOULDN'T YOU? DO YOU LOVE HER?
- MM-HMM, OF COURSE I LOVE HER,
- THEN DO IT, - YOU WANT ME TO DO IT?
- I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO ANYTHING,
- YES, YOU DO, YOU WANT ME TO DO IT,
- NO, I WANT YOU TO DO WHAT YOU FEEL,
- YEAH, YOU KNOW WHY? - WHY?
- BECAUSE YOU--
YOU WANT AN OUT, THAT'S WHY,
- NO, - YES,
- I'M SAYING, IF YOU LOVE HER, IF THAT'S TRUE,
THEN YOU SHOULD ASK HER,
- WHY AREN'T WE TOGETHER?
- WE ARE TOGETHER,
- WHY AREN'T WE LIVING TOGETHER?
- WHAT, YOU MEAN LIKE, TOGETHERTOGETHER?
REALLY, LIKE, HOUSE AND CHIMNEY
AND PICKET FENCE AND THE DOGGIES?
LET'S SEE, UM,,,
YOU HAVE A HUSBAND,
- YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, - YES, RIGHT, I FORGOT,
THERE'S THAT,
HUSBAND, GIRLFRIEND, HUSBAND, - I'M SERIOUS,
- GET A DIVORCE,
- YOU WANT ME TO GET A DIVORCE? - YES,
- DO YOU SERIOUSLY WANT ME TO GET A DIVORCE?
- YES,
- BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED,
AND I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD,
- LOOK AT ME!
- IS ANYBODY DOING IT BUFFALO-STYLE?
- HOW'S THINGS GOING DOWN THERE?
YOUR LIVES TURNING OUT JUST THE WAY YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD?
- HUH?
- YOUR LIFE'S TURNING OUT JUST THE WAY YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD?
- NO! - I KNOW!
IT'S A FUCKING PUZZLE!
- HELP ME PUT IT TOGETHER!
SHH,
HOW WAS IT?
DID YOU HAVE A BAND OR A DJ?
- UM, WE HAD A DJ,
- WERE THERE A LOT OF PEOPLE THERE?
- I THINK 70-SOMETHING, 75, - OH, YEAH?
AND IT WAS AT NIGHT, RIGHT? ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU SAID?
- YEAH, IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT,
IT ACTUALLY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BAD WEATHER BUT--
IT SOUNDS CORNY, BUT IT WAS KIND OF A MAGICAL DAY,
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I BELIEVE IN IT,
THE WHOLE THING AS AN INSTITUTION,
BUT I ACTUALLY HAD A FUCKING GREAT TIME,
- MM,
- I NEVER GET HER ANYTHING OR--
I BUY HER PRESENTS, BUT I TAKE HER TO THE STORE,
AND I ASK HER, YOU KNOW, PICK OUT WHATEVER SHE LIKES,
AND SHE HATES THAT, SO I SURPRISED HER WITH THIS,
I GOT--I GAVE HER MY GRANDMOTHER'S RING,
WHICH WAS--IT REALLY MEANT A LOT TO ME
'CAUSE I LOVED MY GRANDMOTHER, YOU KNOW,
SHE PASSED AWAY A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO,
SHE JUST--SHE WENT NUTS, SHE LOVED IT, YOU KNOW?
WHAT?
YOU MAD? - NO,
- YOU ASKED, - I KNOW, I SHOULDN'T HAVE,
- WE COULD NEVER BE MARRIED, YOU AND I,
- OH, YEAH? - NO,
- WHY NOT?
- WELL, YOU HATE THE WAY I STAY UP LATE
AND KEEP YOU UP LATE AT NIGHT WORKING,
- WHAT ABOUT HOW EARLY I HAVE TO GET UP?
AND HOW EARLY I FALL ASLEEP?
- THERE YOU GO, THAT'S ANNOYING,
YOU GO TO BED AT 8:30 AT NIGHT, GRANDMA,
- YOU HATE HOW I AM COLD AND WITHHOLDING,
- NO, - COME ON,
- NO, I DON'T,
- A LITTLE BIT, - HERE'S THE THING,
I SHARE A LOT WITH YOU, AND I TELL YOU A LOT
ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME, AND AT THIS POINT IN OUR,,,
WHATEVER WE ARE, WHATEVER THIS IS,
I PROBABLY OVERSHARE, BUT I TELL YOU A LOT ABOUT
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME,
YOU, I DON'T KNOW, IT'S A MYSTERY,
SO EVERY NOW AND THEN IT WOULD BE NICE
TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU WERE THINKING, YOU KNOW,
- YOU'RE RIGHT, WE COULD NEVER BE MARRIED,
- YOU'RE MAD NOW?
- NO, I'M FINE,
- YOU ALWAYS LIKE TO FUCKING REWRITE HISTORY!
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, AND THEN YOU ACT--
YOU REPLAY IT BACK IN YOUR OWN FUCKING WAY,
AND YOU ALWAYS PAINT ME OUT TO BE THE FUCKING ASSHOLE,
DO YOU NOT? - WELL, YOU'RE BEING AN ASSHOLE,
- I LIKE SPENDING TIME WITH YOU, I'M SORRY!
I LIKE FUCKING SPENDING TIME WITH YOU,
- ME TOO, THAT'S ALL I WANT TO DO,
- YEAH, - THAT'S ALL I WANT TO DO,
- OKAY, I KNOW, IT JUST--
- I JUST WANNA KNOW THAT YOU'RE THERE FOR ME TOO,
- I KNOW, I KNOW, IT'S JUST WHEN I'M OUTSIDE--
WHEN I'M ALONE, WHEN I'M AWAY FROM YOU,
AND I WANT TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH YOU,
AND I TEXT YOU, AND I TRY TO FIND YOU,
AND THEN YOU'RE NOT ANYWHERE-- I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE--
- YOU KNOW WHAT MY LIFE IS LIKE!
- I KNOW THAT IT SOUNDS LIKE
I'M BEING A FUCKING PUSSY, BUT FOR ME--
- I CAN'T GIVE YOU MORE THAN I'M GIVING YOU!
I CAN'T GIVE YOU MORE THAT THAT!
- ALL I'M ASKING FOR IS A FUCKING--A TEXT MESSAGE!
A FUCKING TEXT MESSAGE!
I'M NOT ASKING FOR ANYTHING THAT FUCKING IMPORTANT!
OKAY?
I'M IN IT TOO! I'M IN IT TOO, OKAY?
I'M IN IT TOO,
DON'T MAKE ME OUT TO BE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!
- I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW--
- HOW--
- TO BE IN THIS ROOM WITH YOU--
- I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE IN THIS ROOM WITH YOU,
- I MEAN, I-- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE, I WANNA SEE YOU, I'M HERE FOR YOU,
I CAME HERE FOR YOU,
BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW--
RIGHT NOW I DON'T FEEL LIKE,,, YOU WANT ME HERE,
I DON'T FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE HERE, I DON'T KNOW--
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO, LIKE, WANT TO BE HERE WITH YOU,
I DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO BE--I MEAN,
I KNOW YOU'RE SAYING THAT, BUT I--YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE, I FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO KILL ME,
- I DON'T WANT TO KILL YOU,
I WANT YOU FULLY,
I WANT YOU-- I WANNA WALK OUTSIDE,
I WANNA BE OUTSIDE WALKING WITH YOU,
I DON'T WANNA BE IN A FUCKING HOTEL,
I'M TIRED, I CAN'T OPEN THE FUCKING--
CAN YOU OPEN THE WINDOWS HERE?
CAN YOU EVEN OPEN THE FUCKING WINDOWS HERE?
- WE'D FUCKING JUMP OUT, THAT'S WHY,
- NO, I'M NOT GONNA JUMP OUT, I WANT SOME FUCKING AIR,
OKAY, - I CAN OPEN THEM?
- OPEN YOUR EYES,
- ♪ IN A WORD
♪ IN A WORD
♪ YOU ARE LIGHT
♪ GO INSIDE
♪ BUT I CAN'T SEE YOU
♪ IN A WORD
♪ YOU ARE GONE
- I'M ON THE PORCH,
IT'S, UH--
IT'S SMALL BUT COZY,
MY HOUSE,
IT'S OUR HOUSE,
AND THERE'S ME,
AND OUR THREE KIDS ARE PLAYING OUT IN THE YARD,
AND--AND--AND,,,
I'M READING THE PAPER,
I'VE GOT MY COFFEE,
I GOT YOU,
- WE NEED A LITTLE SHED, SO I CAN DO MY POTTERY,
- YOU DO POTTERY?
- I'M VERY GOOD, - REALLY?
- YES, - YOU ARE?
- YES, I AM,
- DON'T LAUGH AT ME, - OKAY, WE'LL GET A SHED,
AND WE'RE SURROUNDED BY TREES, LOTS OF TREES,
AND A VEGETABLE GARDEN,
I ALWAYS WANTED A CHICKEN COOP,
- LET'S GET A CHICKEN COOP,
- THAT YOU FEED, - THAT WE MAKE THE KIDS FEED,
- HEY, GUYS?
MOM WANTS YOU TO FEED THE CHICKEN COOP!
OKAY,
- I'M NOT GONNA TOUCH THE CHICKENS,
I JUST WANTED A COOP,
THE KIDS ARE GONNA FEED THEM,
- YOU OKAY?
- YEAH,
YEAH,
THAT'S A NICE THOUGHT,
WE DON'T HAVE TO HAVE THE CHICKEN COOP
IF IT MAKES YOU UPSET, - NO, NO, NO, WE HAVE A HOUSE,
WE HAVE A PORCH, POTTERY SHED, YOU GOT YOUR FUCKING CHICKENS,
- YEAH, WE EAT VEGETABLES FROM THE FUCKING GARDEN,
- YEAH, THEN FUCK,
- OR MAKE LOVE, SWEET--
SWEET, GENTLE LOVE-MAKING,
GONNA KILL HER,
I WANNA KILL HER, BUT,,,
SHE WRITES CRITICS ANONYMOUSLY, THE ONES THAT KILL ME,
YOU KNOW, SHE DISSECTS THEIR CRITIQUE AND SHE--
SHE DEFENDS ME,
- WE LEAVE THEM,,,
AND WE'RE TOGETHER,
REALLY TOGETHER,
UM,,,
OH,
IT'S--
- I'M GONNA RAISE THE BABY WITH HIM,
WITH MY HUSBAND,
I'M GONNA HAVE THE BABY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A FAMILY,
AND--
- YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A FAMILY WITH HIM?
- I WISH IT COULD BE YOURS,
- I GOTTA--
I GOTTA GET SOME AIR, TAKE A WALK,
IT'S REALLY COLD,
I DIDN'T PACK FOR THAT,
DID YOU?
- WHAT? - THE SNOW,
I GOT COFFEE--I GOT, UH, FRENCH ROAST, WHOLE MILK,
- I DON'T DRINK COFFEE ANYMORE,
MY STOMACH,
- I DIDN'T THINK I'D EVER SEE YOU AGAIN,
- I DON'T THINK I CAN STAY,
THAT I WANT TO,,,STAY,
- I SHOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED HIM,
THIS ROOM IS SMALL,
- I WANNA MAKE IT WORK FOR MY DAUGHTER,
- COLOR,,, - MY PARENTS HAD A,,,
- MAKES IT LOOK SMALLER, - HORRIBLE DIVORCE,
I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT TO HER, I CAN'T DO THAT TO HER,
- WHAT'S HER NAME?
- EMMA,
THAT'S NICE,
HEY, HEY, IT'S ME,
UM,,,
LOOK, I KNOW WE'VE-- WE HAVEN'T TALKED BUT I JUST
WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M REALLY THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND I KNOW YOU DIDN'T,,,
UM,,,
I KNOW THIS ISN'T WHAT WE WERE PLANNING,
AND I JUST WANT TO TALK TO YOU,
I THINK I'M--
I THINK I'M REALLY READY TO JUST--JUST--YOU KNOW,
BE FRIENDS WITH YOU OR JUST-- I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE
IN SOME SHAPE OR FORM, SO I WANT TO TALK TO YOU MORE
ABOUT EVERYTHING, SO JUST GIVE ME A CALL WHEN YOU CAN,
OKAY, DON'T FORGET TO ERASE THIS MESSAGE,
SEE YOU LATER,
- SURPRISE,
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I WAS AT THE READING,
- YOU WERE? - MM-HMM,
- I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE,
YEAH, I KNOW, I WAS HIDING, I WAS AT THE BACK,
CAN I COME IN?
- OH, YEAH,
PLEASE, COME IN, COME IN, COME IN,
WE MOVED, I'M IN PORTLAND, MAINE, NOW,
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT,
SHE WANTED TO GET OUT OF THE CITY,
AND I WAS BITCHING AND MOANING, BUT NOW I'M HAPPY,
WE GOT A GREAT GARDEN, - YEAH,
- AND, UH--
- STOP CALLING ME,
- YOU GOT MY MESSAGES? - YEAH, STOP CALLING ME,
- STOP CALLING ME, - STOP CALLING ME,
STOP CALLING ME,
- I KNOW, I MISS YOU TOO,
THERE'S JUST TWO MORE CITIES, THEN I'M HOME, OKAY?
SO DON'T FREAK OUT BEFORE I GET THERE,
OKAY, GO TO SLEEP, I GOTTA REST,
I GOTTA WAKE UP AND DO IT ALL AGAIN IN THE MORNING,
I LOVE YOU,
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
OKAY, GOOD NIGHT,
- WHEN EMMA CAME OUT, AND WE WERE IN THE HOSPITAL,
I SAW ALL THESE ROSES,
ON HER HEAD, ALL OVER LIKE HAIR,,,
BUT ROSES,
I WAS, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, LOOK,
SHE'S SO AMAZING, SHE HAS ROSES ON HER HEAD,"
IT WAS BLOOD,
I WAS SEVERELY MEDICATED,
- I'M AN ENGLISH TEACHER,
- REALLY?
- YEAH, I TOOK A--
I TOOK A JOB AT A COLLEGE,
MM,
I ACTUALLY LIKE IT, ACTUALLY,
I'M ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD AT IT,
- I BET YOU ARE,
- AND I LEAVE THERE, AND I FEEL,,,
AT PEACE,
IS EMMA'S DAD, IS--
IS HE GOOD?
GOOD--
GOOD,,,DAD?
SHE DOESN'T WANT KIDS,
I'M SORRY,
I'M SORRY THAT--
AW, THE PLANE WAS FUCKING DELAYED,
I'M SORRY, - MM,
- HI, - MM, HI,
MM, OH, YOU NEED TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH,
- OKAY,
DID YOU GET MY TEXT? - MM-MM,
- YOU DIDN'T GET IT? - I FELL ASLEEP,
- I MEAN, WE GET ON THE PLANE,
AND WE WAIT FOR ABOUT AN HOUR,
MM,
THEN WE HAVE TO GET OFF,
AND THEY SAT ME IN BETWEEN THESE TWO ENORMOUS PEOPLE,
AND THEY'RE EATING FUCKING CHINESE FOOD THE WHOLE TIME
AND,,,
DO I SMELL LIKE CHINESE FOOD?
HEY,
SEX,
BEST SEX OF YOUR LIFE, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE,
- I'M GONNA DO IT ANYWAY, IS THAT OKAY?
I'LL BE QUICK,
- I'M TAKING AS MUCH WORK AS I CAN HOME NOW BUT--
- YEAH, - NOW SHE'S NOT NAPPING,
YOU KNOW, YOU PAY SOMEONE ELSE TO RAISE YOUR KID,
OR YOU DO IT YOURSELF,
BUT IT'S LIKE, WHEN I'M HOME, I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE AT WORK,
AND THEN WHEN I'M AT WORK, I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE AT HOME,
I'M JUST TIRED ALL THE TIME,
- I BET,
- DO YOU FORGIVE ME?
YEAH, I FORGIVE YOU,
FOR WHAT?
SLEEPING? YOU WERE TIRED,
OF COURSE I FORGIVE YOU,
- ARE YOU WRITING?
IT'LL COME,
IT WILL COME,
- AHH,
- WHAT TIME'S YOUR FLIGHT?
- WHAT TIME IS IT?
I GOTTA GO IN TEN MINUTES,
- NO, YOU'RE KIDDING,
OH, MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY,
I TOTALLY RUINED IT, - OH, DON'T APOLOGIZE,
IT'S FINE, - NO, IT'S NOT,
YOU DIDN'T COME ALL THIS WAY JUST FOR SOME $40 ORANGE JUICE,
- I CAME ALL THIS WAY 'CAUSE I LIKE TO SLEEP NEXT TO YOU,
I LOVE THOSE BONY HIPS,
I'M THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING,
- MM,
- 'CAUSE I ENTERED YOU LAST NIGHT WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION,
- OH, YOU DID, - DID YOU FEEL ME ENTER YOU?
- WAS THAT WHAT THAT WAS? BECAUSE I FELT SOMETH--
YOU FELT SOMETHING?
LIKE--LIKE--LIKE WHAT, AN EARTHQUAKE?
- NO, NO, I THOUGHT IT WAS A MOSQUITO BITE OR SOMETHING,
- DID YOU SAY MOSQUITO?
- IS THAT A DICK JOKE?
DON'T YOU HAVE TO PACK OR SOMETHING?
YOU ALL READY TO GO? WANT ME TO CALL YOU A CAB?
- HOW DOES MY PENIS COMPARE TO YOUR HUSBAND'S?
- WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO FOR DINNER?
AGAIN? NO, NO, THAT'S OKAY,
- WAIT, IS THAT EMMA CRYING?
YEAH, I HEAR THAT, WHAT HAPPENED?
WHA--
YOU DID NOT,
NO, IT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL, PUT HER ON,
HI, HONEY, ARE YOU OKAY?
HE'S NOT HIDING IN THE CLOSET, I PROMISE,
HE'S NOT GONNA BREAK INTO YOUR ROOM TONIGHT, I'M SURE,
BECAUSE HE'S NOT A TERRORIST, HE'S A LINGUIST,
HE'S A VERY NICE MAN,
AND-- OH, OKAY,
I LOVE YOU,
CAN I TALK TO DADDY?
DON'T TELL HER THAT NOAM CHOMSKY IS HIDING IN THE CLOSET, OKAY?
MM,
NO, NO, THAT'S FINE,
ALL RIGHT, I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW WHEN I LAND, OKAY?
LOVE YOU,
- YEAH?
- HEY,
- YOU GOT MY MESSAGE ABOUT CHANGING ROOMS,
- LISTEN, UM-- - WHERE'S YOUR LUGGAGE?
- I CAN'T STAY, I HAVE, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES,
I CAN'T, UH,,,
UM,,,
HE'S HERE,
- WHO'S HERE? - MY HUSBAND, HE'S--
HE'S HERE,
HE WANTED TO COME, IT WAS A LAST-MINUTE THING,
HE JUST SAID, "YOU KNOW, I'LL JUST COME WITH YOU AS,
"LIKE, A ROMANTIC LITTLE, LIKE, 'WITHOUT EMMA' GETAWAY
RIGHT AFTER THE CONFERENCE," SO I'M GONNA HAVE
THE CONFERENCE TOMORROW AND THEN WE'RE, UH,
WE'RE VACATIONING HERE IN THIS HOTEL,
SO HE'S HERE RIGHT NOW,
SAY SOMETHING, - LET'S TELL HIM THE TRUTH,
- UH, I--
- I MEAN, THIS IS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY,
LET'S JUST GO DOWN THERE-- - I CAN'T,
- WHAT ROOM? - I CAN'T DO THAT RIGHT NOW,
- OF COURSE YOU CAN, I'M GONNA DO IT WITH YOU,
- NO,
- WE'RE GONNA GO DOWN THERE TOGETHER,
AND WE'RE GONNA TELL HIM THE TRUTH,
- I CAN'T, - I'LL DO IT WITH YOU,
- I'M TELLING YOU I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW,
I CAN'T LEAVE HIM RIGHT NOW,
PLEASE?
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?
I WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS WITH YOU, BUT I JUST--I CAN'T--
- THIS IS SO STUPID, - I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW,
- YEAH, I KNOW, YOU CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW,
- WHAT ARE YOU--DON'T DO THIS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- SO STUPID, - I JUST--I CAN'T--
- I GET THE HOTELS, RIGHT? - I WANNA BE WITH YOU,
- I GET THE HOTELS, I GET YOU FOR A DAY,
I GET YOU FOR TWO DAYS,
IF I'M LUCKY, I GET YOU FOR THREE DAYS,
- WE KNEW THIS IS HOW IT WAS GONNA BE,
- I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF NOT HAVING YOU WHEN I WANT YOU,
IF I WANNA HAVE YOU, I WANNA HAVE YOU,
I DON'T WANNA SHARE YOU ANYMORE,
- I'M NOT LEAVING HIM,
I THOUGHT YOU KNEW THAT,
- DO ME A FAVOR AND DON'T SEND ME, UH,
ANY MORE TEXT MESSAGES OR VOICEMAILS,
DON'T TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME
AND HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, WANNA SEE ME,
JUST DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE, - THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT?
THAT'S REALLY WHAT YOU WANT? - YEAH,
- GO AHEAD, GET OUT,
THIS IS WHAT IT IS, RIGHT?
GO BACK TO YOUR HUSBAND,
I DON'T WANNA--I DON'T WANNA DO THIS ANYMORE, OKAY?
I DON'T WANNA DO THIS ANYMORE, - THIS IS THE SITUATION,
- IT'S NOT THE SITUATION THAT I FUCKING WANTED, OKAY?
- JUST,,,STOP, - YOU KNOW WHAT?
JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM, LEAVE,
- STOP, DON'T-- - I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU,
- GET OFF ME! - NO, GET THE FUCK--
- STOP IT, YOU'RE HURTING ME! - I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU,
I AM GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU, - LET ME GO!
- GET OUT OF MY LIFE! STAY THE FUCK OUT OF--
STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE, YOU CUNT!
YOU FUCKING CUNT!
- LET'S GO THROUGH IT AGAIN, - OKAY,
- SIX MONTHS,
SIX MONTHS, - SIX MONTHS,
- IN SIX MONTHS, WE'RE TOGETHER, - IN SIX MONTHS, WE'RE TOGETHER,
- APRIL 12, - APRIL 12,
- CHICAGO, - CHICAGO,
OKAY, - NO BACKING DOWN,
WE HAVE TO BE STRONG, FUCKING KICKASS,
FUCKING SUPERMAN STRONG,
- HEY,
YOU CAN DO THIS,
- OKAY, - OKAY,