PREVIOUSLY ON WHISKEY ON THE ROCKS
How close to the sub do you have to be to detect radioactivity?
[Ljungklint] At least right next to it,
Alarm!
Retreat!
Shoot them if you have to, goddamn it!
The Russian ambassador claims that Sweden
attempted to board the sub last night by rowboat,
What were you trying to do?
We need to know if nuclear weapons are onboard,
Is it armed with nuclear weapons?
Honestly, I don't know, We need to buy some time,
[Henriksson over megaphone] Hello! We have provisions and supplies for you!
May we come onboard?
No Swedes get onboard, no matter what!
You ask for an audience with me, stating a request to have a radio mast built,
You just bought us two more days,
I've got it! We offer them a radio mast so they can communicate with Moscow,
Captain! Captain!
-I'll blow this piece of junk to hell! -Captain!
[grunting]
You'll all be court-martialed! Sons of bitches!
THIS SERIES IS INSPIRED BY A TRUE STORY
SOME CHARACTERS AND LOCATIONS HAVE BEEN ALTERED
FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY
QUITE A FEW, TO BE HONEST,,,
THE GOVERNMENT OFFICES STOCKHOLM
[Monika] You know how important hockey practice is to him,
I said I'm busy, The prime minister and I have our hands full with that submarine,
I've got a visitor, I don't have time for you anymore,
[hangs up telephone]
That was my husband, He's always trying to shirk his responsibilities,
How may I help you?
I'm Aleksandra Kosygina, ambassador of the Soviet Union,
I'm here to help you and the prime minister handle that submarine,
[telephone rings]
Sorry, I have to take this,
The Government Offices,
You can't call me on this number!
I don't know! I guess they're in the hallway,
-Give me the phone, -Sorry?
The phone, Give it here,
My name is Aleksandra Kosygina,
ambassador of the Soviet Socialist Republic,
Myself, Prime Minister Fälldin, and Mrs, Monika Björk
are actively working to resolve the unfortunate conflict
that has arisen between our countries,
May I therefore ask you to shoulder your responsibility as a father?
Sounds good,
Comrade Brezhnev sends his regards and thanks you,
Thank you,
The prime minister,
Of course,
[reporter] The Russian submarine is basically on land,,,
[Thorbjörn] You look a little worn, cool Ola,
Still having a tough time at home?
[Ola] I guess you could say that,
How do you and Solveig make it work?
Oh, my beloved Sollan,
Maybe it's because we share a lot of interests,
-Sheep? -Exactly,
I'm her ram, and she's my ewe, [chuckles]
Well, I don't think I'll use that analogy at home, It'd only end badly,
[knocking, door opens]
Your visitor is here,
Madam Ambassador, may I introduce you
to Sweden's prime minister Thorbjörn Fälldin,
and Secretary of State Ola Ullsten,
Welcome, Madam Ambassador,
[Aleksandra] Gentlemen, thank you for seeing me,
[Thorbjörn] No trouble at all, Please, have a seat, Madam Ambassador,
I believe I know what this is about, but would you care to explain
what's on your mind in greater detail?
Firstly, I'd like to say I'm sorry
for this unfortunate incident between our countries, Mr, Prime Minister,
Secondly, I'd like to get straight to the point and suggest
that you provide my stranded countrymen with a radio mast,
To enable direct communication and thereby improve safety,
everyone's safety,
With all due respect, Madam Ambassador, what Sweden is facing right now
is the greatest violation of Swedish neutrality since World War II,
What we need, first of all, is an official apology,
Second, we need to be allowed to inspect the submarine,
Third, we need to question its commander,
We've learned that the Swedish Commander Karlsson
has not been allowed onboard to even speak to the captain of the submarine,
That is unacceptable, I think,
Yes, Yes, Yes, absolutely,
And that thing about installing a radio mast,
well, I'd say that's something we need some time to think about,
I have to say, that's some quick thinking, Mr, Prime Minister,
[reporter on TV] A Swedish vessel is alongside the sub,
and they seem to be mounting some kind of radio mast on the tower,
It appears to be Swedish citizens, who've been granted permission to,,,
[Lagerkrantz] Alpha to Beta, come in, Håkansson, how's it going?
Beta to Alpha, over, Uh,,,
Well, the antenna was done 10 minutes ago,
Could you hurry up a bit? Over,
Ljungklint, how much longer do you need?
No idea, but could I have a few more minutes?
I'll give you five more minutes,
What the hell, Can't you at least give me 10?
If you really want to be sure there are any nukes,
Granted, Ljungklint, Alpha to Beta,
Apparently, he needs another five minutes here, Over,
Right, Roger that,
Have you scanned the aft as well?
But wait, Doesn't the S-363 keep its missiles in the bow?
Well, that's great! Then scan the bow, goddamn it!
Don't, Don't mess with my calculations,
[RadiacMeter crackles]
-I knew it, -Yes,
I knew it, Ljungklint! Hot damn, we've got them, hey, We've got them!
-Alpha to Beta, over, -[Martinsson] Beta to Alpha, over,
Håkansson, we've got the bastards!
-What does this mean? -This means war!
THE KREMLIN MOSCOW
[snores, grunts]
Who are you?
YURI ANDROPOV, FOURTH CHAIRMAN OF THE KGB
I am Yuri Andropov, Comrade Secretary-General,
The fourth chairman of the State Security Committee,
Uh,,,
Where are the other three?
That is more than I know, Comrade Secretary-General,
Right, we have a submarine to blow up,
That's actually why I'm here,
Blowing up a submarine armed with nuclear weapons
inside a neutral nation's territory
after we've violated that nation's sovereignty would be a disaster,
It may create more problems than it solves,
Or what do you think?
You talk a lot,
I don't understand half of it,
Let's see where this fucking submarine is,
That's the Philippines,
According to my reports, the submarine has run aground somewhere around here,
Sweden, right?
Yes,
Ah, Aren't they the ones we snatched from Finland last year?
Well, that was a long time ago, Secretary-General,
In 1809, if memory serves,
Then it's high time we remind them
who's in charge,
Yes, Yes, Comrade Secretary-General,
If you wish, you can retire and get some rest
while I carry on the job of annihilating Sweden,
And deal with any potential diplomatic complications that follow,
I didn't get half of what you said, But that's a good idea,
You take care of the sub and I'll take a nap,
I wish you a good night, Comrade Secretary-General,
[door closes]
Comrade Vasilieva, dear, would you be so kind and connect me
to our embassy in Stockholm?
To Ambassador Aleksandra Kosygina,
Kosygina speaking,
This is the acting Secretary-General Yuri Vladimirovich Andropov,
We know each other from Budapest, don't we?
[Aleksandra] Absolutely,
It's an honor that you remember me,
[chuckles]
Yes, it seems that my memory is a little better than Comrade Brezhnev's,
How is Comrade Brezhnev doing?
Well, he just pointed out our sub S 363
to be somewhere in the South China Sea,
I see,
On my end, I've established good contact with the Swedish Prime Minister,
Oh, and what's your analysis?
He is good-nature and solution-oriented,
but prepared to bite back and respond strongly if he must,
What do you suggest that we do, Comrade Andropov?
Go to the submarine and make your way onboard,
Contact me via radio when you've confirmed
that the crew's loyalty to the Soviet Union is intact,
The last thing we need right now is defectors,
What about Comrade Brezhnev?
Comrade Brezhnev is,,, sound asleep,
He won't interfere with our diplomatic efforts,
I have a few ideas on how it may continue that way,
Excellent, Comrade Andropov,
[exhales deeply]
[door opens]
Well, then, Thorbjörn,
Prime Minister Fälldin,
Nuclear weapons, Thorbjörn, I knew it,
Uranium-238, The Communist bastards
were planning to blow Karlskrona to smithereens,
But luckily, a shoal foiled their plans,
I've planned an attack for 0400 hours tomorrow,
I estimate a crew of 50 to 55,
plus the commander, his deputy, and a few officers,
We incapacitate them with tear gas, board the sub, and secure the warheads,
All you need to do now is order Commander Anders what-ever-his-last-name-is,,,
-Karlsson, -Sorry?
-Eh, Karlsson, -Karlsson,
,,,to sit down and shut the fuck up from now,
Börje, it's quite possible
that you're the absolute dumbest person I've ever met,
First, you attack a Soviet submarine in a rowboat,
Then you construct a radio link between the submarine
and five Soviet warships
and God knows how many more submarines along the Swedish border, and Moscow,
And now you're planning to sneak onboard the sub
and incapacitate the entire crew without them having time to alert anyone,
I'll have you know that my plan is airtight,
Do you know what will happen if your airtight plan
turns out to have even the tiniest leak?
No, what?
Then you've started a war
against the world's second most powerful military force,
Oh, is that so?
And do you know what will happen if your absolutely idiotic plan succeeds?
-Do tell, -Then you've also started a war
against the world's second most powerful military force,
With all due respect for your ability to breed sheep, Thorbjörn,
I'm a three-star general,
I have access to Sweden's finest military units,
I have helicopters, I have torpedo boats, I have depth charges,
I even have frogmen,
I have everything I need to kick the shit out of the Bolsheviks,
You know what, Börje? I don't appreciate your lack of respect for sheep breeding,
You know what a sheep farmer usually does when a city slicker has insulted him?
[groans]
You say you have everything you need to kick the shit out of the Russians?
I've got all I need to kick the shit out of you,
I've got seven years as chairman of the Swedish Sheep-Breeding Association
and connections across the country,
If you don't immediately abort your foolish attack tomorrow morning,
I'll set every sheep breeder in the country on you, Do you understand?
[Lagerkrantz exhales]
Let's choose diplomacy,
We'll hold the border, and you will hold your tongue,
Did you have to hit so hard? It actually hurt like hell,
Börje, do you remember what we civilians usually say?
Dismissed?
Nah,
-Get lost, -Mm-hm,
S,,,
Your Excellency, welcome to Karlskrona,
I'm Commander Karlsson, Anders Karlsson,
I've heard many good things about you, Commander,
Thank you, The prime minister has told me to escort you to the submarine,
There's no time to lose,
Hello, Comrade,
As you've been informed, I am the Soviet ambassador in Sweden,
My name is Aleksandra Kosygina,
With me, I have Commander Anders Karlsson,
We're here on behalf of the Swedish prime minister and Secretary-General Brezhnev,
We're here to meet Captain Peskov,
I'm sorry, but I didn't expect Moscow to send,,,
a woman, [sniggers]
The way I see it, the crew of this submarine consists of male idiots,
who caused the Soviet Union
its most humiliating diplomatic incident ever!
And so, in such a situation, why not send a woman?
Follow me, Comrade Ambassador,
The captain is expecting you,
Captain Peskov?
[exhales tensely]
[breathes unevenly]
To the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics,
Cheers, Comrade Captain,
[gulps, exhales contentedly]
I have new orders from Comrade Brezhnev,
The submarine is not to be blown up under any circumstances,
The Swedes are to be allowed onboard to inspect it,
You will then agree to be questioned by Swedish representatives,
And I will personally issue our formal apology to Sweden,
After all of this has been done,
we will humbly ask for assistance to be escorted to international waters,
Do you understand the orders, Captain?
He has my wife, He has my children, My daughters,
Who has them?
Comrade Brezhnev, of course,
[softly] But I have spoken with him,
The Secretary-General now sees the situation in a whole new light,
And I am here to convey that to you,
It's all Lieutenant Tarasenko's fault,
If he hadn't had his birthday and become a father,,, [breathes unevenly]
none of this would ever have happened,
-Tarasenko? -Yes, Tarasenko,
The sub's political officer, He has my daughters,
Tarasenko has your daughters?
Not Tarasenko! Brezhnev!
Do you understand, Comrade Ambassador?
Of course, I do,
[snivels]
One minute,
You're up, Commander,
Try German, if you can, Otherwise, I'm not sure how you'll communicate,
Where is the communication central?
I'll take you there,
Who are you?
-Drink up, -Ah, Thanks a lot,
-[Peskov exhaling] -[clears throat]
Mm, Thank you,
Have you no respect?
Right, I'm Captain Anders Karlsson,
I wish to speak with you, one captain to another,
A Swede, who speaks German onboard our submarine,
[Peskov breathes heavily]
I'm dying!
[groans]
[yells]
[Peskov pants]
-Hm, -[splash of drink being poured]
Thank you very much, Uh,,,
-Uh,,, Goodbye, Uh,,, -[Peskov coughs]
[Peskov moans]
[grunts, chews]
[Reagan] Ma'am, I have sought the Swedish prime minister twice now,
I'm the President of the United States, for Pete's sake,
I'm not affiliated with NATO, I am NATO,
So can you please tell me why I should keep your shitty, little country safe
by sending ships and aircraft from our fleet over there?
-I'm sorry, who are you trying to reach? -No, no, Listen to me, ma'am,
If your Swedish prime minister doesn't call me back right now,,,
I'll invade your shitty, little country,
I'd beat the Russians to it, How'd you like them apples?
Do I have to save every country myself?
Fuck it, I'll send in some ships,
Goddamn Swedes,
-I'd like to be left alone, please, -Sure,
Good afternoon, Comrade Kosygina, Andropov here,
If I understand correctly, you are already aboard the submarine,
That is correct, Comrade Andropov,
Briefly describe the situation,
[Aleksandra] Unfortunately, Captain Peskov is drunk and completely out of his mind,
He believes he can save his family by potentially starting a world war,
Comrade Kosygina, what do you propose?
Castling,
Tell me more about this plan of yours,
The situation is extremely serious, Comrade Ambassador,
On that, we can agree,
What actually happened?
As Captain Peskov already informed Moscow,
the navigational system malfunctioned, specifically the gyrocompass--
Excuse me,
You're Dimitry Tarasenko, right?
That's right,
You are a lieutenant and the sub's political officer,
which means you report directly to the KGB,
And the KGB knows exactly where your family is,
-I see what you mean, -Yes, that's what I mean,
There's talk on the ship that Captain Peskov has a serious,,,
drinking problem,
I already suspected that,
Anything else?
I believe it's vital to remain sober and frosty while on duty,
[yelling, laughter]
My objections fell on deaf ears, so to speak,
I think he was celebrating his daughters, He's very fond of them,
And all this time, you were drinking water?
Mostly milk,
Um, missiles?
Um, missile,
Um, nuclear weapons?
No,
There, nuclear weapons?
No, you can't go there,
Uranium-238, uh,,,
Uranium-238, there? There?
No, you can't go there,
Yeah,
-Hey, where do you think you're going? -No, no, I have permission,
I have,,, I,,,
-Everything is in order, I have to,,, No-- -I can't let you--
Please, Please, please, Please, please, I have to,,, I have to inspect, hm?
-I said you can't go in there! -Watch out!
I have permission! Now,,,
-Don't you understand-- -Move!
-Move, Damn Russian bastard! -Stop! Hands off!
-[Popov] What do you think you're doing? -One moment, please,
[yelling and grunting]
[Aleksandra] Calm down, men!
Let's calm down!
I am calm,
but they're not letting me inspect as we agreed, and it's unacceptable,
The question is simply whether there are nuclear weapons or not,
I hear what you're looking for,
but right now we're testing this proud crew's patience,
I promise you that, within 24 hours,
you'll either have a confirmation of your suspicions or a new inspection,
As soon as I've calmed the crew,
24 hours, Commander, Not a minute more, Please,
Twelve hours, And now I want to see the charts and the logbook,
If we hypothetically assume that the commanding officer is indisposed,,,
then who is the ranking officer on the vessel?
That'd be me,
And what would you do in that role, in the situation
that you have just described to me?
I would do exactly as you ask, Comrade Ambassador,
A wise choice, Lieutenant,
On one condition, though,
-What condition? Extra milk rations? -No,
That you invite me, my wife, and my newborn daughter to Sweden,
Why is that?
Because I will do exactly what you ask of me,
Exactly what you ask,
I need a submarine captain to present to Sweden and the world press,
A lieutenant isn't good enough,
[Kuznetsov] Look, look! Two new objects, Call the lieutenant, They're likely NATO,
As far as I can tell, you wear the same size as your captain,
[excited chattering]
Await my instructions, Lieutenant,
What's going on?
-I don't know, -Huh?
Lieutenant! Something's up,
[Kuznetsov] Unidentified vessels approaching,
Comrade Ambassador,
I think we need to leave,
[Tarasenko] Comrade Admiral, two American NATO vessels are approaching,
Action plan? Visual confirmed,
Comrades, we have a lot more firepower than the enemy does,
We have our orders from Moscow,
If necessary, I'm authorized to press the red button,
Prepare all marines to liberate the submarine
if the Americans come too close,
Execute!
NAVAL BASE, KARLSKRONA
-[background chatter] -[radar echo]
[signalman] Captain, the NATO ships stopped one klick from the Russian Navy,
Our fighters are in the air, Shall we mark our presence?
Correct, We definitely need to mark Swedish presence
to cool the situation between East and West,
Order a low flyby of the area, Over and out,
[signalman] Over and out,
So, what did Lieutenant Tarasenko actually say?
That Sweden is a beautiful country that he would love to see more of,
-Okay, What does he mean by,,,? -[roar of jet fighters]