MONICA: Come in,
I've been waiting for you,
RACHEL: Hi, I just…
Ah! Oh, my God! Monica!
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry! I was… I was taking a nap,
Since when do you take naps in that position?
Tell me you were waiting for a guy, Please tell me,
Yes, I was, A guy,
From work,
I'm seeing a guy from work! Ha!
[GASPS]
That cute waiter guy from your restaurant,
The one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta?
Aha, That one!
Give me a second, I'll be out of your hair,
I'm just going to grab a jacket,
When I get back, I want every little detail,
[KNOCKING]
Maybe that's him,
Okay, um… Okay, um…
It's just Joey and Ross,
Why aren't you at the movie?
We were, but Ross was talking so loud on his phone, they threw us out,
I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!
-He's talking to London, -Did he get in touch with Emily?
No, He's calling everyone on her side of the family
hoping someone will help him get in touch with her,
I don't care if I said some other girl's name, you prissy old twit!
Ross,
Way to suck up to the family!
[LAUGHING]
I'm so glad you're all here, My office finally got wrinkle-free fax paper!
-Hey -Oh, no, no! Vomit tux! No, no! Vomit tux!
Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned,
Vomit tux?
Who vomited on…
You know what? What you up to, Joe?
They're doing this telethon thing on TV,
And my agent got me a job as co-host!
That's great!
A little good deed for PBS, plus some TV exposure,
That's the kind of math Joey likes to do,
Oh, PBS!
-What's wrong with PBS? -What's right with them?
Why don't you like PBS?
Right after my Mom killed herself, I was in this bad place, you know, personally,
So I just thought it would make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street,
Because they were so nice when I was a little kid,
No one ever wrote back,
A lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs,
All I got was a lousy keychain, and by that time, I was living in a box,
I didn't have keys!
I'm sorry, Pheebs,
I just wanted to do a good deed, like you did with the babies,
This isn't a good deed, You just want to get on TV, This is totally selfish,
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
What about you having those babies for your brother?
Talk about selfish!
What are you talking about?
It was a nice thing, but it made you feel good, right?
Yeah, so?
It made you feel good so that makes it selfish,
Look, there's no unselfish good deeds, Sorry,
Yes, there are totally good deeds that are selfless!
May I ask for one example?
Yeah, it's… You know, there's…
No, you may not!
That's because all people are selfish,
Are you calling me selfish?
Are you calling you people?
Sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't exist,
Okay?
And you know the deal on Santa Claus, right?
I'm gonna find a selfless good deed, I'm going to beat you, you evil genius!
[PHONE RINGS]
-Hello? -Hello, Ross?
Emily?
Oh, my God! It's Emily!
It's Emily, everyone! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Hi,
I'm only ringing to say stop harassing my relatives, Goodbye,
Wait! Okay, okay, you can hang up, but I'll keep calling everyone in England
if that's what it takes to get you to talk to me,
Really? About what?
Look, you're my wife, We're married,
You know, I love you,
I really miss you,
I miss you too,
Well, at least I think I do,
[WHISPERS] She's talking,
[ALL CHEERING]
When you said "the deal with Santa Claus," you meant…
That he doesn't exist,
Right,
Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend?
Yeah, she might have mentioned him,
So, Mon, when are we going to meet this new, secret waiter man?
He's really shy, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet,
Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet,
I don't care, I wanna meet this guy who's the best sex she ever had,
Really?
That's what you heard? You said that?
I might have said that,
[LAUGHING]
Why is that funny?
Because I'm very happy for him,
And you! You lucky dog!
-Hi, -MONICA: Hey,
Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship,
-That's great! -Yes!
In London,
-What? -She wants me to move to London,
But you live here,
You know that,
What are you gonna do?
I bet if I talked to Carol and Susan
I could convince them to move to London with Ben,
I'm sure your ex-wife would be more than happy to move to another country,
so you can patch things up with your new wife,
It could happen,
How you doing? Welcome, Good to see you,
This'll be your phone,
That's great,
But I'm not really expecting a lot of calls,
No, you answer it and take pledges,
But I'm the host,
No, Gary Collins is the host, You'll be answering the phone,
You don't seem to understand, See, I was Dr, Drake Ramoray,
Well, here's your phone, doctor,
I can't believe I can't find a selfless good deed,
You know that really old guy that lives next door to me?
I snuck over there and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop,
But he caught me, and he force-fed me cider and cookies,
Then I felt wonderful, That old jackass!
Maybe Joey's right, Maybe all good deeds are selfish,
I will find a selfless good deed,
Because I just gave birth to three children,
and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey's right!
Hey, Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question?
-Sure, -If you're cooking on the stove
does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?
RACHEL: Chandler,
Is he?
I think I'm going to respect the privacy of my new, secret boyfriend,
Why?
If this guy was me,
and it's me who'd learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had
I'd be going like this:
All right, Emily,
As much as I love you
I'm sorry, I can't move to London without Ben,
I understand that would be difficult,
Would you consider moving here? You were moving here anyway,
Why can't you just do that?
I don't know, It's just…
Okay, okay, but I know that even though I've been a complete idiot up till now
you have to come here,
You have to, so we can work this out together,
All right,
All right? Did you just say "all right"?
I did, Now I'm the idiot,
Emily, that is so great!
It'll be great!
We're going to be like two idiots in love!
[LAUGHS]
Ross, there's one thing that really scares me still,
-Yes, tell me, -You have to understand
how humiliating it was for me up on that altar
in front of my entire family, all my friends,
I know, I am so sorry,
And then, after deciding to forgive you
seeing you at the airport, catching our plane with her,
Again, very sorry,
I mean, I can't be in the same room as her,
It drives me mad thinking of you being in the same room as her,
Emily, there is nothing between Rachel and me,
Okay?
I love you,
All right,
I'll come to New York and we'll try to make this work,
That is so great!
As long as you don't see Rachel anymore,
I asked Emily if she would come to New York,
And she said yes,
MONICA: Great! -No, no, no,
Only if I promise never to see Rachel again,
MONICA: What? You can't…
What did you tell her?
I told her I'd have to think about it,
I mean, how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a decision?
I'm actually asking you!
Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore,
She's one of your best friends,
But he can't not see Emily, I mean that's his wife!
-That's true! -Yeah, right?
But you've known Rachel since high school
and you cannot just cut her out of your life,
-That's true! -MONICA: No, you cannot,
Thanks for the help, Problem solved!
[PHONE RINGS]
-Hello? -Hey, Mon,
Oh, hey, Joey, We've been watching all day,
When are you gonna be on TV?
There was kind of a mix-up in my agent's office,
but I'm still on TV, and that's good exposure,
You're not on TV,
Oh, okay, How about now?
Yeah! There he is! There he is!
JOEY: Hello, New York!
EMERIL: Maybe just put the whole duck right in there, Who cares?
-Now I got the legs, -Aw! Aw!
How many times have I told you guys to never watch the cooking channel?
-Hi, Chandler, -Hey,
Listen, I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day,
That was yours?
We used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars,
Williams-Sonoma, fall catalog, page 27,
Expect it in 4 to 6 weeks,
Hey, Joey's gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day,
We have the whole place to ourselves,
Yeah, so?
Just thought maybe you'd want to book some time with "the best you've ever had,"
You know what, champ?
I think I'll pass,
-Why? -Why?
What's your point?
[PHONE RINGS]
PBS Telethon,
Hey, Joey,
I just wanted to let you know that I found a selfless good deed,
I went down to the park and I let a bee sting me,
What good is that going to do anybody?
It helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends,
The bee is happy, and I am definitely not,
You know, the bee probably died after he stung you,
Damn it!
Back on in 30 seconds, people!
Excuse me, would you mind switching with me?
No way, I'm in the shot, man,
-You've been here all day! -I'm taking pledges,
And we're on three, two…
Welcome back to our fall telethon,
If you've been enjoying the performance of Cirque du Soleil,
and you'd like to see more of the same kind of programming, it's very simple,
All you have to do is call in and pledge,
and at that time tell one of our volunteers what type of programming you…
Okay,
That's it, I cannot make this decision, It is too difficult,
So I'm just going leave it entirely up to the gods of fate,
A Magic 8 Ball?
You can't make this decision with a toy!
It's not a toy,
I don't know what else to do!
I either keep my wife and lose one of my best friends,
or I keep my friend and get divorced for the second time before I'm 30,
So if anyone else has a better suggestion, let's hear it,
Because I got nothing! Don't be shy,
Any suggestion will do,
Okay, then,
Here we go,
Magic 8 Ball
should I never see Rachel again?
"Ask Again Later,"
Later is not good enough!
"Ask Again Later,"
What the hell?
This is broken! It is broken!
Let me see,
Will Chandler have sex tonight?
"Don't Count On It,"
Seems like it works to me,
[PHONE RINGS]
PBS Telethon,
PHOEBE: Hi, Joey,
Hey, Pheebs,
I'd like to make a pledge,
I would like to donate $200,
Two hundred dollars?
You sure? After what Sesame Street did to you?
I'm still mad at them, but I also know that they bring happiness
to lots of kids whose moms didn't kill themselves,
You know, so
by supporting them, I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not happy about it,
So there! A selfless good deed,
And you don't feel a little good about donating the money?
No, it sucks, I was saving up to buy a hamster,
A hamster? Those things are, like, 10 bucks,
Not the one I had my eye on,
It looks like we have surpassed last year's pledge total,
Thank you!
And the pledge that did it was taken by one of our volunteers,
Oh, boy! And may I say, one of our sharpest dressed volunteers,
Mr, Joseph Tribbiani!
PHOEBE: Oh, look!
Joey's on TV!
Isn't that great?
My pledge got Joey on TV! That makes me feel so…
Oh, no!
Look
maybe I got carried away before, but there's something you gotta know,
If I'm the best, it's only because you made me the best,
Keep talking,
I was nothing before you,
Call the other girls and ask,
Which wouldn't take long,
But when I'm with you, and we're together
oh, my God!
-Really? -Oh, my God!
Now, I understand if you never want to sleep with me again,
But that would be wrong,
We're too good,
We owe it to sex!
Well, if we owe it…
Oh, my!
When is Joey gonna be home?
I was kind of hoping we could do this without him,
No, no, no! Leave the gloves on,
But I just cleaned the bathroom,
-Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves? -Yeah,
All right, Let's show them how it's done,
Okay, Ow!
-That wasn't part of it, -I know,
[KNOCKING]
Hi, You ready? We're going to be late,
-For what? -For Stella, remember?
She's getting her groove back in 20 minutes,
Yeah, I totally forgot about that,
Mind if I take a rain check? I'm waiting for a call from Emily,
Sure, I guess,
Hey, I hear you don't have to go to London, Yay,
It's not that easy, There's still a lot of relationship stuff,
Like what?
Just stuff,
You know, kind of what Emily wants,
Why don't you talk to me about it? Maybe I can help,
No, no, you can't help,
I mean, I kind of have to do this without your help,
Well, I…
I know you can do that too, I'm just saying if you need somebody to talk to…
Hi,
Thanks,
Ross, look, whatever this relationship stuff is that Emily wants
just give it to her,
The bottom line is that you love her,
So just fix whatever she wants fixed,
Just do it,
[PHONE RINGING]
You're going to have to try, You'll just hate yourself if you don't,
[PHONE RINGING]
Come on, answer it! It's driving me crazy,
Hello?
Hi, sweetie,
Good,
Look, Yes, I've been thinking
about that thing you wanted me to do,
and I can do it,
So will you come to New York?
[WHISPERS] What?
-Never done that before, -Nope,