رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال
♪ I'm living in two worlds ♪
♪ Dividing my time ♪
♪ Unhappy in your world,,, ♪
Hit me where it hurts,
♪ When I'm in your world ♪
♪ I just pretend ♪
♪ That I were really happy ♪
♪ Though I don't fit in,,, ♪
Hit me where it hurts,
♪ I'm heading in two worlds ♪
♪ Where do I belong? ♪
Hit me where it hurts,
♪ Unhappy in your world ♪
♪ And lonesome in mine ♪
♪ I'm living in two worlds ♪
♪ Dividing my time,,, ♪
Hit me where it hurts,
♪ Unhappy in your world ♪
♪ And lonesome in mine ♪
We're behind, so we really need to get you
in hair and makeup and on set as soon as possible,
And remember we have that FaceTime session
with the new director of the Sony franchise,
Plus, you have a phone interview with In Touch Weekly at 1:00,
There's your new first team rehearsal right now, with stand-in,
And we're gonna do a table read of all the rewrites
later at lunch, And don't worry,
we're gonna get you that kale Caesar, no croutons,
And we need to do a face cast after that,
Plus, we need to book in some time for a photo shoot,
And I'll put that on your schedule,
There's a doctor coming to check the rash
that you got from the prosthetic you wore yesterday
and to give you a B12 shot,
Do you need somebody to run lines with you in hair and makeup?
Do we have any spare humans?
But we do need to get you into hair and makeup,
Yeah, we really need you to go
into hair and makeup right now, Miss Black, like now,
Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you!
Fuck my life!
Okay, hold the work please,
We're gonna do our first team rehearsal again with the stand-in,
All right, everybody set?
Okay, action,
I have the ring right here,
I took it off grandma's finger while she was dying,
Well, almost dying,
My bitch sister's at a party,
She doesn't even know I have it,
She's never gonna get her hands on it,
Aah!
That hit me where it hurts,
Okay, That's a cut on rehearsal,
Okay, guys, That was great, Looks great,
Andy, could you try and take that pull back like 10%,
little bit slower? Thank you,
- Excuse me, Barbara, - Yeah,
I know Candy, and she's gonna want to stop
at the arm chair,
So, um, maybe we could move the mark over,
Uh, yeah, yeah, Sure, Thanks Paula, I'll tell camera,
Oh, great, Thank you,
Have we got Candy on deck?
Gotta go, gotta go,
You were great in that last film you did,
Oh, thanks,
I'm actually an actress myself,
- That's great, - Don't get me wrong,
I love being a stand-in,
Candy and I have been together for years,
and she's the best,
It's just that my true passion is acting,
What's your secret to success?
If you don't mind me asking,
I guess I believe in boundaries,
professional boundaries between professionals,
That's probably my whole philosophy,
I was just looking for an acting agent,
and I don't suppose,,,
Oh, No, I have to,,,
Louis, Louis, what actual fuck do you do for your commission?
Well, then get your client out of her trailer
and onto this set,
What are you talking about? I love Candy,
but I can't wrangle her
while I'm trying to direct this picture with half a crew,
Louis,
Well, what do you want me to do?
You want me to call Melissa McCarthy's agent?
Just get her out of the trailer,
Candy, its Louis,
Buddy, Barbara's been giving me a really hard time,
But you know what? Fuck her!
Okay? What do directors even do? Right?
They just,,, They tell people to do things they were already gonna do
and then take credit for it,
So, don't do this film for her, Do it for me,
For us? Huh?
Because I believe in you,
Come on, buddy,
Um, you also owe me money for that movie
that you did in Barbados that you don't remember making,
So what do you say?
No! Fuck off!
So, that's a start,
So, I'm gonna head back to set
and let Barbara know that this went well,
And I'm confident that I will see you momentarily,
Fucking,,,
do something,
Candy,
Candy, it's Paula, your stand-in,
Listen, I have to tell you something,
I just overheard Barbara saying they're going to fire you
and hire Melissa McCarthy,
Well, good luck to her,
Well, the thing is, I don't look anything like Melissa McCarthy,
She'll bring her own stand-in,
and then I'll be out of a job, so,,,
Please come out,
Please?
For me?
Okay, everybody let's flush this turd down the toilet,
Okay, Chop, chop, Let's go,
Picture's up, We are going right for a take,
Everybody, last looks please,
Okay, come on, Clear the set, We've been ready,
Come on, We need first team on our marks, please,
Okay, Everybody off the set now,
Can we have a slide-in?
Vivian, we can see you,
Back off three feet,
Mark it, Thank you,
And,,, action,
I've got the ring right here,
I took it off grandma's finger while she was dying,
Well, almost dying,
My bitch sister's at a party, She doesn't even know I have,,,
Oh! Oh, my God!
- Jesus Christ, - Oh, my God!
- Cut! - what the fuck?
What the hell? What are you doing?
Why didn't you hit her with a bottle?
- She really hit her? - Yeah, with a fucking marble cat,
Sorry, I didn't have breakfast, Nobody got me breakfast!
- Okay, - I'm not myself when I don't have breakfast,
Can we get first team some food, please?
Are you okay?
No, Barbara,
I'm not fucking okay,
How the fuck would you feel
if some stupid bitch smacked you in the head
with a fucking marble cat?
I didn't realize,
Oh, didn't realize?
"Oh, I didn't realize," Bullshit!
I should kick your fucking ass,
Here, genius,
Fucking cat, bottle,
Bottle, cat,
One of them is meant to be smashed over a head,
And the other isn't, See?
I'm so sorry,
Don't be fucking sorry, Think,
It's my blood sugar, I didn't have breakfast,
God, you're pathetic, Somebody get her a fucking egg white,
I bet you're on a fucking diet, right?
You know how to diet? Eat a fucking pizza and do an eight ball,
Hey, fuck you! Don't walk away when I'm fucking talking!
Don't fucking walk away from me when I'm talking to you,
Do I have to do all your jobs for you?
Would that be better?
Okay, Like, just, I helped everyone,
And then if you had to fucking do anything,,,
How about,,, Would it be better if I took this bottle
and smashed it over my own fucking head?
- I'll take care of this, - Would that be good?
It's not funny, None of this is fucking funny,
And none of you get to fucking laugh
unless I'm being funny!
And this, assholes, isn't fucking funny,
Candy, how about we take a walk?
Louis, get the fuck away from me,
Because if it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't be doing this crap,
Sorry, Barbara, but this is shit,
It's not shit, This is an alternative type of quality,
It is shit, and you're shit, and you're shit,
And you're all fucking shit!
Oh, my eye! Oh, my God!
Hell, It must have been a glass fragment,
- Oh, fuck, - Oh, my God,
- That wasn't my fault, - No, It was not,
I didn't mean to,,,
I got out of the way, I'm sorry,
I was aiming for him, not her, everybody,
I just,,, I just got out of the way,
Are you filming this with your phone?
Are you filming this? Did you send it in already?
Is the damage done?
Louis, shit,
Call Publicity, We've got another fucking scandal on our hands,
No, She's fine, She,,,
It was an accident,
All you crew members I just talked shit about,
I have an idea,
How about if every one of you
had just a moment of your life that you didn't want anyone to see,
and then it's out there, Does anyone know what that's like?
Because when you sign up for this fucking job,
you just have to spread them wider
and say, "That's right,
I'm on the fucking gynecological table of life,
Look fucking down my goddamn shaft,
Look at it, Shine your fucking light in there,"
Well, let's walk outside, take a breath,
They'll figure out if she can keep working,
And in the meantime, why don't we talk about anything else?
Shit,
Fuck, God damn it,
Fuck, fuck, fu,,,
That infamous incident from five years ago,
signaled the end of Candy Black's stellar career,
And today, Hollywood's class clown has fallen to a new low,
Yeah, Miss Black has been on trial
for six counts of willfully failing
to file federal income tax returns
for amounts totaling $6,3 million,
It's been a stunning fall from grace
for one of the most successful female comedy stars of all time,
Of course, beloved by audiences,
But Candy's career took a nose dive
after her onset meltdown,
She's become one of Hollywood's most famous recluses,
hiding out in her Long Island estate,
rivaling Howard Hughes and Greta Garbo
for her reluctance to step back into the limelight,
Candy Black did not appear in court today,
And in fact, she has not been seen in public at all
for the last five years,
Her attorney's claim she was too drunk to file her taxes,
So a judge has sentenced her to 90 days in rehab,
Coming up next, we have a top mixologist
to show us Candy's shockingly powerful highball whiskey cocktail,
- Hey, - Hey,
What you up to?
I'm watching dumb online news,
That stuff's toxic, It's all noise,
Yeah, I know, You're right,
Getting rid of my TV was the best decision I ever made,
I never watched it anyway,
And I banned myself from going online
till I finish a first draft of my book,
So, how's the new table coming along? Use pine?
Fuck pine, I chose cedar, obviously,
Did you use a rasp on the legs?
No,
A riffler and some spoons blades,
I wish I was with you right now,
We could see just how sturdy that table really is,
Yeah,
Me, too,
Look, uh, there's something I need to talk to you about,
Okay,
Things are just pretty crazy right now
and I might not be able to,,,
I don't think I'm gonna be able to talk to you for a couple months,
A couple of months?
Two or three at the most,
Wait, why? Where are you going? Why can't we talk on the phone?
I can't tell you, but, um, after this hiatus,
I just want to pick up right where we left off, And, um,,,
I just need you to know how important
this relationship is to me,
What relationship? We've never even met,
And now you're telling me you have to go away
and there's nothing you can do about it?
Look, I think,,,
Okay, Well, I don't know why you're doing this,
I felt like we were finally getting somewhere, but,,, whatever,
Anyway, I gotta go,
Hey, can't sleep in your car around here,
No, of course not, I wasn't sleeping in my car,
I,,, I just pulled over for a little power nap, That's all,
Sure, lady, Gotta move your car along,
Street cleaning starts in ten minutes,
- Hey, - Hey, Louis, I need a favor,
I was just about to call you,
I was thinking for the press statement, something akin to,
"I'm ecstatic to have defrauded the federal government,
and I'm looking forward to doing enough drugs
to kill Charlie Sheen and his sponsor,"
- Whatever, - Buddy, I'm joking,
I don't have to tell you that I don't have to tell you that I'm joking,
Look, I wanna go on record here and let it be known
that I know we haven't talked in bit,
but I'm sorry about the way things ended up with us,
Uh, you were an asshole, I wasn't at my best,
And that's why we're good together,
So let's do more of it, Trilogy Artistic wants you back,
Louis, Louis,,,
And maybe rehab is a good thing,
You know? It's like a judge-mandated vacation
where you come back, lie to the public,
Then we go back to fucking them straight in their wallets,
Louis, listen, I need some contact information,
Okay? Someone I used to work with,
Do you remember my stand-in, Paula,,, something?
Look, remind the director,
the right one blows at the wrist
and the left one blows off at the elbow,
Okay,
They're ready for you,
Hi, Terry,
Are there, um, any auditions available today?
Oh, they're auditioning stand-ins now,
I've got a few inquiries for background stuff,
Oh, I don't do extra work,
Why, you think you're better than us?
You know, one time, doing a Candy Black vehicle,
and this one, little miss stand-in,
doesn't even join us for lunch,
Has no trailer, just sits in the corner, eating a burrito,
Nice,
- Uh, Paula? - What is it?
There's another e-mail here from Lewis at Trilogy,
They need someone to play Candy Black in a reenactment,
And they want you to go to the producer's house
for an audition,,, right away,
They want me?
- Yeah, - Wow, Oh, my God,
That's amazing, Everything's coming up Paula,
Hey,
Oh, my God,
Sorry, I had to lie to get you to come out here,
I didn't recognize you at first,
Well, I stopped going to my colorist,
around the same time I stopped looking in the mirror
and leaving the house,
Come on in,
I guess the stand-in work's kinda dried up,
- Sorry about that, - Oh, no problem,
- Want a drink? - Sure,
So, what are you doing for a living these days?
Well, actually I'm working in a nursing home,
Oh, that must be very rewarding,
Well, it depends on how you feel about cleaning up human shit,
It's not bad actually, but they cut my paycheck,
So, I fell behind on my rent,
and my landlord's kind of a hard-ass,
and I lost my apartment,
So, I'm sort of living in my car,
Oh, shit, I'm sorry,
No, don't feel bad for me,
I feel bad for you, with that insane verdict,
I know, I didn't get my tax forms in on time,
So fucking what? The IRS isn't going to get a new coffee machine,
Exactly, And who cares if you have a drink now and again?
I don't even party anymore, It's just I was so messed up for so long, no one cares,
Well, you shouldn't have to go to rehab,
Oh, I agree,
But unfortunately I do,
Unless someone else goes in my place,
How do you mean?
Someone who looks a lot like me,
What?
When I said I had you in mind for a part,
I wasn't bullshitting, I'm the part,
And you're the only one auditioning,
Think of it like a stand-in job for a rehab movie,
Except there's no cameras and no movie,
Oh, my God,
I mean, that would be,,, could be highly illegal,
Technically,
Do you actually think we could get away with it?
No one's seen my face in years,
and I could have had work done,
Your face is as good as mine,
I'd do it myself, but there's someone,,,
there's something very important
that I have to take care of,
And I'd offer to pay you money,
but I'm kinda broke right now,
If I did it, could we go back to the way things were
and I could be your stand-in again?
Hell no, I'm through with acting,
Why? You're the best,
The best?
At being hit in the face by ladders and watermelons?
You're the queen of comedy, You're Candy Black,
Not anymore,
I don't want to be an actress,
And I sure as fuck don't want to be famous,
Being famous is like being in the back of a sports car,
driven by a bunch of dicks,
My whole career was a mistake,
I got my first acting job
because I was working as a carpenter on some awful comedy,
I was rigging stunt tables,
And one day the lead actress just never showed up,
It turned out she died, an overdose,
That should've been a warning,
Anyway, they needed someone to get planked,
And I said, "Sure, I'll do it,"
Anyway I'm sick of that shit,
Unlike you, You always loved being on a film set,
Yes, I did,
Listen, I'll do it,
I'll do the rehab thing,
Yeah? Amazing,
But my price is, when I get out,
you take an acting job and make me your stand-in,
Deal?
Deal,
Come on, Candy, give us a picture,
So, um, I don't have to go away after all,
I'm,,, I'm so relieved,
That's amazing, I'm happy we still get to talk,
So, how's your book coming along?
I've given up trying to write in my apartment,
It's too distracting,
I found this bar around the corner that doesn't have Wi-Fi,
So it's the one bar in Brooklyn not full of hipsters with laptops,
- Hmm, - Though I did see one with a typewriter,
Well, I can't wait to read it,
I've been reading that Shaker book you recommended,
I just love how self-sufficient they were,
It's, like, they grow their own food
and made their own buildings and furniture,
That's my dream, is just to get off the grid
and move to a small town,
Well, let's just fucking do it, then,
- Yeah? - Yeah,
Yeah, Have you heard about Pleasant Hill?
It's one of the biggest Shaker settlements,
We can open up a furniture store
and have a cute little apartment above it,
Yeah, Yeah, And they've got some amazing cedar and maple trees up there,
I'm looking at my Papa Bear chair right now,
Our Papa Bear chair,
Thinking about you carving a love seat
out of a beautiful piece of cedar,
Your sexy wood talk is giving me wood,
Oh, really?
Although we should probably meet face to face
before we run off together,
Guys, are we ready to start the meeting?
Candy, would you like to kick off the sharing?
Would you mind if I didn't?
Perhaps you could tell us all about your rock bottom,
Well, I haven't really had a rock bottom,
So, maybe someone else in the group who has should share,,,
Candy, it's important to face the facts
that our disease causes us to make some terrible mistakes,
Yeah, like that piece of shit movie you made
about the girl who gets super strength when she gets high,
Excuse me, it was called Pippi Bongstocking,
and it wasn't a piece of shit, It was good,
She got the munchies and she ate a whole building,
- It was fucking stupid, - It was a gingerbread house,
and it was fucking hilarious,
People, could we bring the focus back to recovery, please?
Thank you,
This must be a real wake-up call for you,
a big Hollywood hotshot,
Yeah, I've never cleaned a table before,
It's a real eye opener,
Everybody's freaking out, and I'm just, like, "You guys, calm down,
She's just, like, a lady, A lady who takes a dump,
Every day,"
I might've seen maybe one of your early movies,
but I never saw any of the sequels,
and I definitely never read that Vanity Fair profile piece about you,
Um, I didn't want to mention this in front of everybody,
but I'm Barbara Cox's assistant, The director,
Oh, Barbara, Yes, of course,
She's always been very nice to me,
Oh, my gosh, She's the best, She's actually paying for me to be here right now,
Is it because she got sentenced to rehab
and you took her place?
What? No, girl, that is crazy,
I kinda had a breakdown a couple of weeks ago,
You know what? Here's a tip,
Don't mix Fentanyl, bennies and heroin,
- Did anyone ever tell you that? - No,
Look, I know you're not supposed to have contact with the outside,
but Barbara messaged me about you,
She wants to know if you're up for doing a cameo in the Saddle Up reboot,
- Really? - The only thing is,
is that it films in a couple of weeks,
and I feel like you're still gonna be in here,
Oh, shit,
Well, listen, not a big deal,
Take it from an old pro in the rehab motherfucking game,
If you can convince the ladies with the clipboards
that you are serious about your road to recovery,
they'll send you home early,
Okay, Would you tell Barbara I'm up for it?
- But I have one condition, - Girl, name it,
Do you remember my old stand-in?
Oh, my God, Yes, How can I forget her?
She's such a fucking loser,
♪ I love you, I hate you ♪
♪ I'm on the fence It all depends ♪
♪ Whether I'm up or down ♪
♪ I'm on the mend, transcending all reality ♪
♪ I like you, despise you Admire you ♪
♪ What are we gonna do When everything All falls through? ♪
♪ I must confess I've made a mess of what Should be a small success ♪
♪ But I digress At least I've tried My very best, I guess ♪
♪ This, that, the other Why even bother? ♪
Okay, my name is Candy, and I am an alcoholic,
And my story is that I love drinking booze,
In fact, it's my favorite thing to drink,
And when I've drunk enough booze,
I do terrible things, like falling over,
Or I'll drink more and then say terrible things,
like "get lost" or other things,
And sometimes I'll pee all over myself and other people,
And that's who I am,
I am a booze-loving, foul-mouthed person
who says and does wrong things and, uh, pees on themselves
and doesn't always clean it up,
Thank you, Candy, I know that was hard for you,
Well done, Well done,
You've really turned a corner,
Who's ready to share next?
Come on, Candy, give us something,
You should probably stay until the bottom-feeders leave,
Really?
That would be amazing,
Sure, Pick a guest room, I've got, like, 13,
So, the most incredible thing happened at rehab,
- You got a job offer, An acting job, - Yeah,
The director Barbara Cox asked for you personally,
and they need a stand-in,
So your comeback starts now,
They want you on set Friday night,
- I can't do it, - What?
I can't do the film,
We had a deal,
I'm not doing the film
because I have something really important that night,
A date,
With who?
A guy, Steve,
And he doesn't know I'm Candy, the actress,
He thinks I'm Kathy, the carpenter,
- The what? - It's a long story,
I set up a profile on this website for woodworkers,
Carpentry Talk,
It was a nice vacation from,,,
,,,the old movie star, Missy,
I felt like,,, I feel like I'm more myself
as Kathy Tyler, carpenter,
than I ever did as Candy Black, asshole,
Kathy Tyler?
It's my real name,
Louis came up with Candy Black,
Anyway, I met Steve on this website,
He's the first guy that's ever not seen dollar signs and billboards
before they actually see me,
All we do is talk about furniture,
Anyway, we've been talking about meeting up for months,
and Friday night is our anniversary,
Well, why don't you just tell him the truth?
And then you could reschedule,
Tell him I've been lying to him every day for a year?
I can't do that on our first date,
It probably would make him happy,
It's like buying what you think is a Ford Focus
and then finding out it's a Maserati,
I can't ruin this relationship
so you can get your old job back,
I went to rehab for you, We had a deal,
I know, I'm sorry,
I want my old life back,
Look, I'm sorry, I know this is really shitty,
- I just,,, - So, what is your master plan?
How long are you going to be Kathy the carpenter?
As long as I want,
I mean, don't you want Steve to know who you really are?
Kathy is who I really am,
RIP, Candy,
Long live Kathy,
Hey,
Wow, you look great,
What's the matter?
It's from Steve,
What does it say?
"I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you in person,
but it's simpler this way,
The truth is, I'm married and my wife,,,
,,,found out about us,
Even though I love you, I love her more,
I know that doesn't make sense right now,
I can't see you or speak to you or message you anymore,
She's reading all my messages,
So please don't try to contact me,
So sorry, It was great getting to know you,"
Oh, sweetie, That's terrible, I'm so sorry,
At least he bothered
to write you something long
and eloquent and beautifully written,
I knew it was too good to be true,
I knew it,
Gosh, married this whole time,
And he never mentioned it?
What a lying sack of shit,
Well, maybe work will make you feel better,
Hello?
Sorry, I had to call you, I'm here,
Uh, I know you're scared, I'm scared, too,
But if you don't come meet me at this bar,
I'm gonna call you every hour on the hour until you show up,
We have to talk in person tonight,
Have fun on your date,
Oh, it's not a date,
I'm telling someone to get lost,
Kathy?
Steve?
You look about as nervous as I feel,
So I figured it must be you,
Hmm,
Hi, Hi,
Um, you know, I made a bet with myself
over whether or not you'd make it,
And it looks like I lost,
Or won, depending on how you look at it,
I hope you're not disappointed that I don't look like a chair,
- No, no, - Okay,
You look great,
Thanks, You, too,
What I can see of you,
Kathy,
Hello,
Do you have a cold? 'Cause your voice,,,
You sound like,,,
No, this is me,
This is the real me,
So,,,
How's life,
Oh, uh, well,,,
I haven't made much progress on my book,
um, since last we spoke,
Oh, no, I get the same way with books, You just lose the thread,
I only got halfway through Gone Girl,
Good one,
It was good, I just got really busy,
Um, but I,,,
The reason why I haven't been able to focus on writing my Shaker book
is 'cause I've just been so damn nervous about today,
Me, too,
I mean, this last year talking to you
has been one of the most wonderful,
intense, life-changing experiences I've ever had,
We shared so many details about ourselves,
Things I've never even told anybody,
And I just,,, I needed this to be real,
It is real, right?
Yes, it is real,
It is totally real,
It's great to finally see your face, Kathy,
There's something really important I need to tell you,
Yeah?
I changed my cell phone number,
- Where have you been? - Hmm,
Getting you a pizza, I thought it might cheer you up,
Ugh, You're awfully fucking chipper,
- Oh, this is supposed to be amazing, - Yeah?
Shaker furniture is so hot right now,
Do you mind if I borrow it?
It's Louis,
Why is that asshole calling so late?
I bet it's important,
If you're so fucking interested in it, you answer it,
- Hi, Louis, - Hey,
So, The Today Show wants a one-on-one interview,
Oh, um, okay,
And Warrior Water, which is this new water
that I guess wants to fight other waters,
has offered you a bunch of money just to drink the water on camera,
I'm talking low- to mid-six figures,
What do you say?
Okay, wait, just,,, hold on a moment,
Sure, Take all the time you need,
Look, I know you didn't want to do that movie,
but this isn't acting, This is just you being you,
No,
Now that it's over with that worthless cheating asshole,
you have nothing to lose,
How about the fact that I don't give a shit?
Well, you can't just stay here and rot,
You have to get back out there,
And these days, an interview is what you do
when you're famous and you've done something wrong,
You make penance with the nation,
Exactly, Fuck that,
We had a deal,
And if you're not gonna get me my old job back,
then you should give me half the appearance fee,
Okay,
I'll do the interview,
Good,
But no comeback,
I'm doing this for the cash,
To pay you what I owe you and then you can go fuck yourself,
- Louis, we're,,, - Yes,
I'm in,
- Yeah? - It's great to be back,
Oh, it is good to have you back,
Thank you, Louis, for believing in me,
Candy,
The car's here, It's time to go to the studio,
You're gonna miss the interview, This is important,
So what? I don't give a shit about that dumb interview anyway,
Well, you should!
All you have to do is say the word "sorry,"
It's not brain surgery! What is wrong with you?
If it's so easy, you go fucking do it,
Well, Candy on behalf of all of your fans,
I'd like to just say welcome back,
It's great to be back,
You've had your share of well-publicized troubles,
But your recent court case must've been very difficult,
Yes, it was,
Was it at a low point or was it a turning point?
You know, in many ways,
I think it might've been the best thing that could have happened to me,
And I think that going to rehab
was a real life-changing experience,
I hope you don't mind my asking you,,,
the hat and the glasses,
It does look like you're trying to hide something,
Well, I've had some cosmetic surgery in my, um, facial area,
Would you be comfortable taking off the hat and glasses?
Well, you look great,
That wasn't so bad, was it?
If you don't mind, I'd like to bring out someone that you know,
You haven't spoken to her in several years, though,
This is the actress you struck during your onset meltdown,
Jenna Jones, Yes, I've been looking forward to speaking with her,
- Hi, Savannah, - Hi,
- Hello, - Hi,
You've only ever communicated with me through your attorney,
So I wanted to talk to you in person,
Candy, you settled Jenna's suit for an undisclosed amount,
It was $300,000,
Undisclosed until now,
- The eye patch, - It's medically prescribed,
It's not Pirates of the Caribbean,
and it has seriously impacted my castability,
Jenna, is there anything you would like to hear from Candy today?
Yes, I want to hear her say she's sorry,
I don't want to hear her say
that the payout somehow makes it okay,
Or that she's got some disease that makes her drink
and do terrible things,
You're right, I owe you an apology,
and I am very sorry for hurting you with that ashtray,
And that same thing goes to everyone else I've let down,
including my fellow actors and stand-in
and my fans who believed in me,
even when I didn't believe in myself,
Wow, Is this a whole new Candy Black we're seeing?
I sure hope so,
Buddy, That was fantastic, I love it,
I love the smile, The whole face,
- Thank you so much, - Don't worry about it,
And I'm getting a lot of appearance requests,
Award ceremonies, a fan convention,
I mean Comic-Con-level, fun, fun stuff,
- Ooh, - People love a redemption story,
Oh, your car should be here any minute,
Do you mind if, um, if I get a selfie,
I'm Simon, My boss at the PR firm, he'll love it,
And he will get us more clients, you know?
- Sure, - Yeah? Oh,
I would really love to tag you in it,
Um, but I realized that you're not on social media,
- Yeah, no, - You should definitely consider it,
'Cause it's a great tool for touching base with your fans,
You get that personal connection,
And if you're too busy, my agency can always post for you,
We're a one-stop shop, right?
- Really? - Yeah, yeah,
I mean, if we get you on Twitter,
you'll have a million followers overnight,
Although it's more about Insta right now,
Because people love you, They love you,
They've never stopped loving you, They,,,
They're waiting for that comeback,
They wanna see it on the stories,
They wanna see it in the snaps,
You're a star, You are,
Hey, maybe I should ride with you to the next spot,
I just wanna make sure you get there okay,
Oh, sure,
It was really nice meeting you,
In fact, this whole day has been wonderful,
That is so great to hear,
Louis warned me that you weren't really into interviews and publicity, but you,,,
That's the old me,
I hope this isn't inappropriate,
but it would be amazing to keep this going,
Maybe over dinner or something, Maybe,
It's an interesting offer, I'd be delighted to entertain it,
Hey, Candy, love the new look,
Oh, thank you,
Hey there, Candy,
- Um,,, - In the future,
I'd advise you to check your boundaries,
It's great to see you, I was gonna call you,
- So this is great, - This is nuts,
Are you looking forward to getting back into making movies?
I can't wait,
Listen, come inside and I'll explain everything,
Okay, my car's right here,
My first Instagram,
No wonder you never invited me over,
Kathy the carpenter would have had to build
a hell of a lot of end tables to afford this place,
Um, look, I just wanted you to like me for who I am,
And you're the first guy I've dated
that hasn't seen dollar signs and billboards
before they've seen me,
And I know that doesn't excuse what I did
and I shouldn't have lied,
I'm sorry,
I've been saying sorry all day and it's been working out great,
Normally, it's the carpenter who pretends to be a movie star,
not the other way around,
It's like buying what you think is a Ford Focus,
but finding out it's a Maserati?
I'll need to check under the hood first,
Would you like to come inside for a drink?
Sounds good,
- Actually, forget it, - What, why?
I forgot that I'm doing work inside the house,
Construction work, So we can't go inside,
I'm sorry,
Well, let's go to my place,
Why don't we,,, Why don't you sit on my lap,
on my Hans Wegner Papa Bear chair?
You don't remember?
That's one of our first phone sex sessions,
It got you all hot and bothered,
Oh, right, The phone sex,
You know what? I just want to forget about all of that,
I wanna start over from scratch,
I really found myself warming to her, I like her,
You know what? She looks amazing,
I mean, she must've gone to a really good doctor,
Yeah, she looks so good,
And that nose and the veneers are perfection,
I need to know who did that nose,
That is definitely a Jason Diamond nose for sure,
You know, it's not just physical,
There's kind of a glow that's emanating from within,
And I mean, she used to be real nasty,
Well, it worked, They like your face,
I noticed I've got a Twitter account now?
Louis started that, I hope it's okay,
I could give fucking two shits less,
All right, I'm gonna transfer 250 grand into your account,
- Thank you, - You were right,
It's the least I owe you for what you did for me,
Well, you're free to go,
Job well done,
Louis is getting a lot of offers for personal appearances,
He's talking about an apology tour,
What?
It's a sort of stage show,
where you go around to different TV stations apologizing,
The fees are pretty great,
Couple of weeks of personal appearances,
and you could clear out all your debts,
I could stand-in for you, We could split the fees,
And as long as the money's coming in,
who cares if they get the real deal?
Sure, Why not?
Besides, you seem to like being Candy
a lot more than I ever did,
She got a regal quality to her as well,
Yes, Like classic Hollywood glamour,
- like Marilyn Monroe in All About Eve, - Ohh,
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize,,,
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,
Well, that's what I'm most sorry for,
Whew, Hard-core apology porn,
Isn't it true that you've been called
part of the irresponsible selfish liberal elite?
One hundred percent,
I sincerely hope to one day receive the public's forgiveness,
and I am so sorry,
Candy Black is here tonight to apologize,
Love an apology, Yeah!
So, our next guest is Candy Black,
She is here to say she's sorry,
I'm just sorry she's been gone so long,
and we're so glad she's back,
Come on out here, Candy,
You have a message for those fans who are at home?
Besides "Go to bed,"
Say it on that camera right over there,
- Right, this one? - Sure,
Okay, Girls, do your taxes,
Please do you taxes, Whatever you do, girls,
And I'm sorry to everyone,
I am very sorry,
Well, thank you for that apology, Candy,
I think if more stars were like you,
Hollywood would be a better place,
Hmm, Well, I'd say you haven't changed a bit,
but that'd be a load of bullshit,
- Barbara, - Look at you, You look great,
Thank you, It's so wonderful to see you,
You, too, You know,
I'm actually right in the middle of shooting that movie
my assistant told you about,
You know, the Saddle Up reboot,
- Oh, yes, Ingrid, - Yeah,
- How is she doing? - Oh, she's great,
Greatest assistant I ever had,
especially now that she's not tossing the pills back
like they were M&Ms,
Hmm, Well, I do owe you an apology
about that cameo, I couldn't do it,
And it was an amazing offer,
Well, you know, the offer still stands,
- Yeah? - Yeah,
I mean, we replaced you with someone,
but it didn't work out, to put it kindly,
and the studio wants to reshoot it,
So come on, It's only gonna be a day's work,
Wow, Just,,,
You know, I haven't acted in so long,
And I thought that I would just stick to personal appearances,
you know, do the apology tour stuff,
You know, any asshole can be a celebrity,
You're an actress, and a gifted one,
Stop apologizing, start acting,
Thank you, Barbara,
Hi, Sorry to disturb you, I couldn't help but overhear,
and I just wanted to say I hope you take the role,
I know it's a big choice, but I, for one,
would be so honored to see your comeback,
You're such an inspiration to me
and to every other young actress I know,
Thank you, My whole goal is really to be someone who,,,
I'm done,
They made us sit through five hours of awards
before they even start the first fucking course,
Ta-da,
Wow,
It's an authentic Shaker ladder back chair,
It's a really nice chair,
Thanks,
So, what are your plans for the rest of the day?
I was thinking about making another piece,
A credenza, maybe,
I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself,
I'm just gonna embrace the fact that I'm on my own
and that my so-called relationship is over,
I'm gonna go back to doing what I do best, Carpentry,
Who needs a man when you can build a dresser from scratch?
Well, sure, but you deserve a break from all this hard work,
and maybe it'd be nice to go take a trip into Manhattan
on your own and see a theater show,
With every dick-weed on the street shouting my catchphrase at me?
No, thanks,
Well, I mean,
you have to leave the house at some point,
You can't be a total shut-in,
I'm not a shut-in, I'm a woodworker,
And I'm happy in my workshop,
Well, as long as you've got me as your front man paying the bills,
Well, if you don't like the arrangement, you can always resign,
Skip the boring five-course dinners
and go back to living in your car,
I brought you a smoothie,,,
to say I'm sorry for being such an asshole,
If you want to stay home and make furniture all day,
you should stay home and make furniture all day,
Thanks,
Look, I'm sorry, It was really rude, what I said,
and you've been great,
You're basically the best friend I have right now,
Here's to you, roomie,
Roomie,
To the Shakers,
To the motherfucking Shakers,
So, I just passed the halfway mark on my book,
Congratulations,
Yeah, And guess what was playing
on the TV at the bar today?
An old movie of yours,
You played this BMXer who falls off her bike a lot,
Oh, BMX Blackout, Hmm,
Well, it was actually pretty funny,
I laughed despite the fact that I couldn't hear much of it,
Look, the other night, when we saw each other,
I'm so sorry that I deceived you,
I just didn't want to lose you,
Look, you can stop,
The truth is, I owe you an apology,
I lied to you, too,
Um,,,
My name isn't Steve,
It's Larry,
And I'm not from New York, like I said,
I'm from Ann Arbor, Michigan,
Basically, I made a mistake, which, uh,,,
sorry, I haven't talked about this in a while,
Um,,, okay,
What happened was, my friend Jerry and I
were doing Habitat for Humanity
in new Orleans after Katrina,
And, uh, you know, we were exhausted,
We needed a break, So we got really drunk,
and we were wandering the streets at 4:00 in the morning,
and suddenly I need to pee really badly,
And so I'm peeing, and I turn around,
this old lady's taking a photo of me,
And she calls the cops and I got arrested for disorderly conduct,
And the photo ends up going viral
and getting, like, 18 million hits,
For just pissing in the street?
Well, I left out sort of an important little detail,
Um, I didn't realize it at the time
because it was dark and I was so drunk,
but it turns out that I was pissing
on the new Orleans Holocaust Memorial,
- Oh, my God, - Yeah, And it gets worse,
Here, just take a look at the photo,
It's pretty easy to find, Just Google "Larry Cooper"
and, like, two million of these things come up,
Hmm,
You're pissing on a child,
- Sculpture of a child, - And you're making a Nazi salute,
No, I'm not giving a Nazi salute,
The photo was taken at the exact moment that I leaned back
from resting my head against the wall,
And the wall has names on it,
Yes, Yes, The Holocaust Memorial
is constructed from black marble,
which is almost impossible to see,
let alone read, in the dark, Did I mention it was dark?
You know, I do remember this photo now,
Yeah, of course you've seen it, Everyone has,
My friends all said, "Don't worry, Everyone will forget it,"
But they didn't,
And my name changed from Larry Cooper
to Larry the Nazi who pissed on Holocaust babies,
So, I lost my dream job,
changed my name and moved to New York to disappear,
become a face in the crowd,
I even stopped dating,
In fact, the first girlfriend I've had since this all happened is you,
Wow,
Oh, man, I,,, I feel like this huge weight has been lifted,
From now on, total honesty,
Okay, Candy?
Absolutely,
It's part of the reason why I'm so obsessed about moving to Pleasant Hill,
- Pleasant Hill? - Yeah, the handmade furniture store,
Oh, right, Pleasantville, the handmade furniture store,
Pleasant Hill,
Hmm, Right,
Just thinking about escaping to this tiny little town
where nobody's seen the stupid photo,
Where you could work on furniture all day,
and I could finish my book,
What's the matter?
Oh, it's just being out in the middle of nowhere
with no phone signal, surrounded by chairs,
Right,
I have almost four million followers
on my Twitter account,
They just opened it the other day,
And that proves to me what I've known all along,
that the public wants me to come back,
and I wanna give them what they need,
Okay,
Well, I mean, obviously I want you to be happy,
I just,,,
I guess it's gonna just take a little bit of getting my head around,
Well,,, try,
Okay, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom,
Okay,
Candy?
You okay?
Thought I heard you throwing up,
Yes, I just threw up, I don't feel well,
I,,, It must've been something I ate,
You barely even touched your food,
I know, but I,,, I,,, I just,,,
- I need to take a rain check, - Rain,,, Where? What?
- Can we pick this up another night? I'm sorry, - No, I just got here,
I'm not feeling well, And I'm gonna vomit again,
And I don't wanna do it in front of you,
I'm sorry, I'll call you,
You want to tell me why I've been locked out
in my garden house like fucking Guantánamo?
A little tip: If you're going to drug a former addict,
you might wanna up the dose,
Who the fuck was that you just kicked out anyway?
Who was who? That was nobody,
Does Mr, Nobody's car drive itself,
Okay, I was on a date,
Oh, my God,
And this date you're on,
who does the guy think he was about to get it on with?
Paula the stand-in or Candy the movie star,
Who is this guy anyway, a groupie?
Have you been rooting through my trash for cast-off cock?
He is not cast-off cock,
Let me guess, He's the man of your dreams,
The only catch is he's not in love with you,
He's in love with me,
Oh, he is not in love with you
because he's never even met you,
And you wouldn't take the hint about going out tonight, so,,,
So, why have a conversation with someone
when you can just throw them in a pile of leaves?
I thought you were my friend, roomie,
but you're just a leech,
Getting another free ride on the gravy train like everyone else,
with a slice of cock pie,
If I'm a leech, what does that make you?
The chick who worked her ass off for 20 years
making a name for herself,
You know what? You're not a leech, That was too harsh,
You're more like a coat stand made of shitty pine,
God damn it,
Everybody thinks a stand-in has it so goddamn easy,
Did you know that I can't even drive at night
because I have night blindness
from them shining those lights in my eyes all those years?
You may have made a name for yourself,
but I'm the only one doing anything with it,
I am the Candy Black that everybody's always wanted,
Uh, you're me, minus the talent,
Those fans, those paparazzi,,,
it's not you they want, honey, it's me,
Yeah, but it's me they're getting,
And without me, there would just be some sad,
middle-aged woman with a hammer making sideboards,
They need Candy Black,
They deserve Candy Black,
You think I have some obligation to my fans
to fucking distract them from their pointless, boring lives?
Yes, I goddamn do!
Bullshit! Bullshit!
I've done my service to the nation,
Entertaining the people, okay? I want my fucking life back,
What about the life you promised back to me?
Well, you seem to be enjoying your new life just fine,
I'm gonna call your groupie
and let him know whose pussy he's really chowing down on,
Give me that,
God,,, Just,,, Fine, take it!
And take your goddamn groupie,
Just get out of my house and never come back,
Ohh!
That hit you where it hurts,
Damn! Goddamn coat stand!
Fuck!
Open the fucking door!
You fucking cunt!
Shit,
Come on!
Open the door!
Come on, open the fucking door!
Police? Hi, this is Candy Black,
The actress,
Oh, thank you, It's nice to be back,
There's an intruder at my house,
She's a weirdo who's had plastic surgery to look like me,
1800 Oakwood Drive, Thank you,
Think you can steal my house?
My name, my life?
This is my fucking life,
But you weren't doing anything with it,
So maybe it's time to let someone else have a turn,
I'm fucking freezing out here,
Okay, Okay, that's it, Party's over,
- Ow! - Party's over,
- You fucking idiot, I'm Candy Black! - Yeah, sure you are,
Ma'am, we're gonna have to remove you from the property,
I'm fucking Candy Black, She's the impostor, you fucking douchebag,
Oh!
Shit!
You should be removing her, She's the impostor,
- I'm Candy Black! - Thank you,
Glad to help,
Uh, can I get a selfie?
Sure,
Great,
That scene where you and the chicken friends
had the dildo sword fight made me laugh my ass off,
Jennifer Aniston is a good friend,
Good night,
Because you're my sponsor,
Because I think that this is starting to feel like a con,
You're telling me my life is going to be improved
and better with the sobriety,
I'm not seeing any cash from that, Okay?
All I'm seeing is just a guy
who doesn't have the blistering confidence that I had
when I was shit-faced half the day,
So I'm thinking about legal action,
So you better explain your,,,
Hold on,
Yeah, I'll call you back if I want,
- Hello? - Louis?
Hey, Candy,
It's about the cameo and the Saddle Up reboot,
- Yes, - I'm up for it, I wanna take the job,
That's great, This is the right decision for us,
I'm,,, I'm so happy, And they're willing to pay your quote,
I'll get into it with them tomorrow,
Thank you, Louis, for believing in me,
Buddy, I believe in you
in a way that this business never has,
and that doesn't go away, All right?
Thank you, goodbye,
What in Sam hell,,,
Hello?
Louis! Let me in,
But wait, I,,, From the phone just now?
- Let me in! - Okay,
Oh! Hey,
Hey,
Can I stay here tonight?
You look weird, What's going on?
I just got off the phone with you,
Oh, shit, No, that was my impostor,
And she just kicked me out of my fucking house,
- Your impostor? - Yeah,
My old stand-in, I got her to go to rehab for me,
And then she kind of stayed around
and acted like she was gonna help me,
But it turns out she's just a fucking evil bitch
who was waiting to screw me over,
So, the person that I've been dealing with
these last couple of weeks doing the apology tour,
that's this chick, the stand-in? Not you?
Well, she looks like me, and she's been on TV,
So she has the officially registered version of my face,
So, this nice Candy,
the one that turns up on time
and has been bringing all this money,,,
that's not you?
No,
Okay,
I am gonna go with her on this one,
- What? - I just,,,
It doesn't matter that she's fake,
This whole business is fake,
My name isn't even Louis, It's Friedrich,
But who wants an agent named Friedrich?
So if this new you makes more money and is easier to work with,
why wouldn't I,,, Does that make sense?
So, this is that moment
where I say goodbye,
There's something really special I wanna give you,
A Shaker ladder back chair, wow,
Yes, it was inspired by the great Shaker woman,
Tabitha Babbitt, and I made it for you,
It took a lot of work and I used a lot of glue,
- Glue? - Yes,
I cheated a little bit,
Hmm, Thanks, but,,,
Things still feel weird between us,
Something doesn't feel right,
How does this feel?
- Excuse me, Can I ask you a favor? - No,
- Could you take our picture?
Say "cheese,"
Cheese,
Thanks so much, honey,
I'm Kathy,
Kathy Tyler,
How are you doing?
Good,
But this is the last night we stay here, okay?
You don't like my apartment?
Well, I mean, it's lovely,
but why stay in a shitty shoebox
when you can live in a princess' palace?
It's not that bad,
Here,
It's a key,,, for my prince,
Thanks,
Oh, but there's something you should know,
There's this homeless woman, and she broke in the other day,
- What? - Yes, I think she's a crazed fan,
And the funny thing is she kind of looks like me,
- I think she might've had surgery, - Oh, my God,
So if you see her snooping around,
just call 911, The cops know all about her,
Um, yeah, Okay,
Hey,
If you're looking for anyone in carpentry,
I've got a licensed journeyman certificate
and ten years' experience,
I'd love to get a job,
Can't answer that without seeing your work credentials,
So why don't you come back in the morning with your paperwork,
tools, work gear,
I'll see what we've got,
Great, Thank you,
It'll be good to have another woman on this team,
Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow,
Well, it's not Le Cirque,
But it's certainly nice to be back where we met, Romantic,
At least it's quiet,
Why are you so obsessed with hiding?
Don't you want to get out in the world and make the most of life?
- What are you doing? - It's okay if you want to come take my photo,
They didn't even ask,
My mom loves you,
I've watched all your movies on Netflix,
Thank you, Well, I just joined Instagram,
So make sure to tag me and become a follower,
Hit me where it hurts,
That's the Holocaust piss baby guy,
Oh, shit, Okay, I can't do this,
Stay if you want, but I'm going to go,
I'll meet you back at the house,
Wait so, the Holocaust piss baby guy
is dating Candy Black?
This is awesome,
Shit! Oh, my God!
Don't do anything, I'm dialing 911,
Don't, please, My name is Kathy, and this is my house,
I just came here to get some tools and work clothes,
Kathy, You're Kathy?
Oh, my God, Are you fucking kidding me?
Call the cops,
She says this is her house,
And her name is Kathy, And her voice,,,
- Her voice is,,, - A lot like mine?
Yes, because she's not just a burglar,
She's the con artist I was telling you about,
She doesn't sound like you,
She sounds like Kathy,
And your voice,,,
You sound like Steve,
Kathy, you,,, You're Kathy,
She's not Kathy, I'm Kathy,
I mean, I'm not Kathy, but neither is she,
- Are you Steve? - Yeah,
I mean, I'm Larry and Steve,
- Larry? - But if you're Kathy, then who's she?
Her name's Paula and she's my fucking stand-in,
I'm not Paula, I'm Kathy,
I mean Candy, But she's not Kathy or Candy,
If you're the real deal, then what was the box office on Clown Town?
You think I sit around memorizing that shit?
168 million domestic, See, I'm the real deal,
If you're the real deal, let's have a woodwork showdown,
Break out your chisel, and we'll find out who makes the best nesting tables,
I don't have to prove my woodworking skills to anyone,
When you met her, you didn't think it was weird
that I'd had a personality transplant?
No, Well, I thought I was getting to know the real you,
I mean,,, her,
This is who you had the date with?
Here at the house?
The night you drugged me?
You drugged her?
It was just a little drugging,
You took my name and my house, and that wasn't enough,
You had to take the man I love, too?
You can't love him,
You don't even know him,
Now get the fuck out of my house,
I got what I came here for,
I hope you rot in this house,
Hmm, She's gone, The impostor is gone,
Paula, Is that even your real name?
Yes, I'm sorry,
Sorry? For what, tricking me?
I mean,,,
The time we spent together, that was real,
Just because you thought I was someone else,,,
I actually had feelings for you,
Or,,, I don't know, At least I thought I did,
You're not Candy, Kathy or Paula,
You're no one, just a black hole where a person should be,
And I am so relieved that you're not her,
Hello, I got you the car to take you to set of Saddle Up,
and it's gonna be great,
The sequel is always better than the original,
You know what I mean? Right? You psyched?
Oh, I am so psyched,
Great, Well, break a leg, seriously, Ha ha!
Multiple compound fractures,
All right, Um,,,
so excited to be working with the new Candy,
Bye, Louis,
I've imagined what this place looks like so many times,
it's weird actually being in here,
- Is that Papa Bear? - Yeah,
As a matter of fact, it is,
My chair, She gave you my fucking chair?
I can't believe you made that for me,
Well, actually it was a present to myself,
I enjoyed making it so much,
The plane work on its own is flawless,
but the whole effect, I mean,,,
It looks like it could've come out of a Shaker Society in the 1880's,
Thanks,
I think it's the best present anyone ever gave me,
Except the wrong person gave it to you,
Yeah, I guess so,
Hi, Ingrid, How are you?
Sober, Great, I'm sober and great,
Thanks again for being up for this,
We're gonna have fun, We're not quite ready,
So I'm going to set up a second team,
Just relax in your trailer,
Hey, you wouldn't happen to have some Vicodin on you, would you?
Maybe a half of a Percocet or something?
- Ingrid! - It's a bad time?
- I'll catch you later, - Ingrid!
I'm coming!
They're ready for touch-ups,
There she is,
Hey, this is Sally,
She's your stand-in on this picture,
She just wanted a chance to say hello to you,
I'm a big fan,
I have been since forever,
Thanks,
Okay, We'll see you in a minute,
Here we are,
So, um, should we just skip rehearsal?
You want to go in for a take?
Well, they just gave me the sides last night,
and I haven't had a chance to read the whole script,
So I don't know what my motivation is,
Well, your motivation is that you,,,
you climb up on this bale of hay,
and then you dive off and land on this pile of cow shit,
- The cow shit, of course, - Yep,
Um, do I really have to get up on the bale of hay
and then dive into the cow shit?
Well, yeah, I mean, that's the whole scene,
That's the joke, It's what you did in the first picture,
And anyway, this whole physical comedy stuff, it's what you do,
It's your thing, You're a genius,
Yeah, All right,
- Great, - Wonderful,
Okay, here we go,
All right, everybody, Let's get ready,
And mark it,
Okay, Settle,
And,,, action,
- Barbara, I'm sorry, - Cut!
But I can't do this scene, Okay?
I can't do it, I,,, I cannot do the scene,
Candy, Candy, please, Let's not do this again,
That said, I'll be right back,
Is that the Copley you bought in Washington County, right?
Right,
So, what are you going to do about Paula? Call the cops?
And get arrested for sending a psycho to rehab for me?
That psycho's stolen your life, Don't you want it back?
No,
So you're just gonna let her have your house,
your life, everything?
I never liked that house or that life anyway,
And what about your career?
I've been so lucky,
but I'm really excited to play myself for a while,
Well, I'm excited to finally meet you,
The real you,
This isn't how I imagined us meeting,
No, Me, neither,
But I am so happy that we have,
So am I,
How about joining me in the Papa Bear?
It's been a long time,
Candy?
Candy,
Candy!
Oh, shit, Is that Paula?
Oh, fuck,
Candy,
- Candy, - I'll deal with this,
Candy!
What the fuck? This better be important,
Look, I know that I'm the last person
you wanna speak to or even think about the fact that I exist,
And I don't blame you, but you got to do this film,
I can't do it, Everyone's there waiting,
And I want to walk in and tell them I'm not you,
And then you can come in and do the scene and nail it,
You were right,
I'm not an actress,
I'm just a stand-in,
I think you can absolutely dive headfirst
from a bale of hay into a pile of cow shit,
Oh, I can dive headfirst into cow shit,
But nobody can dive headfirst into cow shit like you,
I mean, there is only one Candy Black,
Yeah,
And I'm looking at her,
What do you mean?
You want this part so bad?
It's all yours,
And you mean it, You're not fucking with me?
Just try not to be too big of an asshole,
And don't give me that shit about not being an actress,
because you've been fooling everyone for months,
No, I'm just a coat stand,
I don't have your talent,
A talent for self-loathing
and sacrificing every ounce of dignity I have for a laugh?
You can do that,
I'm really sorry about Steve,
Maybe he's the one thing I shouldn't have taken from you,
Yeah, There's been one thing I've been meaning to give you for Steve,
Ohh! Ow!
Oh, shit,
Dude, It's Candy fucking Black,
Let me get a selfie real quick,
Heh! Enjoy,
Watch this, Hit me where it hurts,
Maybe you can help me up,
Okay, people, quiet down now,
And action,
Hit me where it hurts,
Cut,
Oh, okay, Let's clean this shit off her face,
Let's go again, We're going again, Right away,
Picture is up, guys, Picture is up,
Stop!
Happy Birthday, gorgeous,
A cupcake for breakfast?
Why not?
Now make a wish,
I already got all my wishes,
Thank you,
- I'm gonna go open up, - Okay,
♪ Can't keep hanging on ♪
♪ To all that's dead And gone ♪
♪ If you built yourself A myth ♪
♪ You'd know just what To give ♪
♪ Materialize ♪
♪ Or let the ashes fly ♪
♪ Help me to name it ♪
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