Look, there she is,
- She's here, Mrs, Garfield, - Whoa, people, please,
This is a private home, Give the family some space,
Joe, what are they all doing here?
Ma'am, Mr, Garfield just won the party's nomination for president,
Everybody gets in line, from the sewage worker on up,
New York and its purse strings are closed,
- I'll prepare one of my memorandums, - And break skulls if you have to,
They want to reform the party out from under us, let's oblige them,
We'll sit on the sidelines, hands in our pockets,
and deliver their sorry-ass ticket to Kingdom Come,
Four years, they'll be begging us for Grant,
This whole debacle will die a fucking footnote, if that,
Understood,
Gentlemen, where is your candidate? Where's Garfield?
He left for his hotel, Senator,
What the hell is he doing there? Go, Get him here, now,
- You, go, get him back here, - Right away, sir,
These delegates are getting restless, They want to go home,
We need to put forth a running mate, and we need to do it now,
Well, I, for one, say we ought to nominate Senator James Blaine,
- That's your brilliant idea? - You're the best man for the job,
That's an insult, It's the vice presidency,
Besides, Garfield's coalition and my own are one and the same,
I've got no extra support to give him,
No, for us to have any chance at eking out a win in November,
we need New York,
- Sir, I-- - It has the largest vote share,
Biggest donor base, control of the papers,
You can't seriously be suggesting we offer the position to Conkling,
His politics are the definition of corrupt,
- He's a cancer on our party, - We don't need Conkling,
We just need his machine,
Someone who knows where the bodies are buried and how best to loot them,
Might not be above a shameless appeal to personal glory,
Someone who can command the right kind of influence,
A collector for the New York Customs House,
through which three-quarters of all federal revenue is amassed,
Negotiates a complex network of job appointments,
Ah!
His generosity repaid in the form of,,,
Bless you,
,,,party contributions,
Whatever his moral leanings,
he's one of the more effective civil servants in the bureau,
Give him another one,
And exceedingly popular, to boot,
Besides, there's no place where the powers of mischief are so small
as in the vice presidency,
Arthur!
Chester Arthur!
Come here! Come here, you big old son of a bitch!
Who will be the one to tell Garfield?
Well?
Has Ohio made their offer?
They have,
Thank you, Tony,
What are the bastards willing to trade
to get my name on the ticket alongside Garfield's?
What?
For God's sake, wipe that dumb look off your face and tell me,
The Ohio men have offered me the vice presidency,
Sir,
I'm serious,
They offered it to me,
You?
Yes, sir,
They offered the second-highest office in the land
to a customs collector for the Port of New York?
Huh,
This smacks of Blaine,
Well, in that case, you ought to drop the damn thing
as you would a red-hot shoe from the forge,
I sought you to consult,
Consult? What is there to consult about?
There's something else to be said,
You know me,
You know I have not been right since my Nelly passed earlier this year,
Jesus Christ,
I feel,,,
I've lacked purpose, as if a ship without a rudder,
The office of the vice president is a greater honor than I'd ever dreamed of,
Chester, dear friend,,,
if you wish for my favor and respect,
you will contemptuously decline it,
Senator Conkling,,,
I shall accept the nomination,
And what's more,
I shall carry with me the majority of the New York delegation,
Oh, shall you?
Fucking ape!
Get out,
I'll be glad when you're dead You rascal, you
Excuse me,
- There he is, - Jeez,
James, you said it'd be a light reception,
Jim, meet your running mate, Chester Arthur,
I've heard lots of nice things,
Ah,
Yeah, you-- you two,
you're gonna get along swimmingly, I'm sure,
Ladies and gentlemen, my fellow Republicans!
Here's to a winning ticket!
Thank you,
Thank you, thank you,
Oh, oh,,, I,,, Mm,,,
Don't trouble with it, We'll bring another glass straightaway,
Thank you, Frederic, And I'll take another copy of the paper,
I'll see to it myself, Mr, Guiteau,
Oh, and maybe this time I'll try the Madeira,
Excellent choice,
- You like the man? - Yes, he's wonderful,
A congressman from Ohio,
Good morning, ma'am,
I'd like to put in for a word with James Garfield, the candidate,
My name's Guiteau, I'm an old friend of his from Chicago,
I'm very sorry, He isn't here now,
Oh, that's fine, that's fine, When do you expect him back?
I have a couple other appointments today, but I can move things around, and,,,
What do I know? Nobody tells us volunteers much,
Well, maybe I should just, uh, go upstairs and double-check anyway,
- For both our sakes, - Hang on! Mr, Cousteau!
Mr, Cousteau!
Oh, Senator Blaine!
Just the fellow I was hoping to speak with, Uh, Charles Guiteau,
I read every word of every speech you've given,
- Is that so? - Yes,
And I especially admired the way you tore apart that rascal Conkling
on the House floor back in '66,
The singed cat and the Bengal tiger,
I was quicker in my youth and far better at making lifelong foes,
A great oratory should inspire such depth of feeling,
It's-- it's a lesson I incorporate into my own rhetoric,
and I think you'd really enjoy this sermon I composed on behalf of our man, Garfield,
See, I was an early booster of his back in Chicago,
With your endorsement, I'd love to join the fold
and start stumping on the roster and getting the word out,
Have you any sort of following?
I'd say, moderate to considerable,
in between my essays and the lecture circuit,
And I run an independent paper in Illinois, The Theocrat,
Oh,
"Guiteau," that's French Huguenot, isn't it?
Yeah, you got a good ear,
Well,,, ,,,yes,
Indeed, uh,,,
Sad to say, our roster is pretty much full at present,
Uh, we'll make sure this goes through the proper channels, nevertheless,
Keep up the good work, Guiteau, Your support means the world to us,
You didn't even write,
I learned you won the vote from the, uh, people on our lawn,
And now you would have me believe, like some fool,
that a man just falls upward toward a presidency,
You looked me in the eyes before you left for Chicago
and you swore that we were past this,
And I let you go,
I know,
- Do you,,, do you know? - I,,,
What it did to us the last time you ran off to Washington
in search of glory?
I'm sorry, Crete,
New York is a long ride from Ohio,
We need to get your things sorted,
I have no plan to go to New York,
I've already told them that I intend to do all my campaigning from home,
I am in the middle of many projects,
I am building an ugly table, for example,
Where better to get to know a man than from his front porch?
Do you know what I see when I look at you?
Because it's not some big general or a congressman,
Or a president,
You see the boy you knew at college,
mopping floors to pay his tuition,
And sneaking the editor of the paper love poems in Latin
just to watch her blush,
Mm,
Your poetry was terrible,
Well, it seemed to have worked,
If I am to do this, we do it together or not at all,
I've read everything on the man I could get my hands on,
Did you know that he was born even poorer than I was?
His father was dead at two,
Mother couldn't afford shoes for him until he was seven,
Like, destined to-to-to-to-to drown anonymous in some Ohio ditch
until he stepped up onto that stage in Chicago,
All he needed was four and a half minutes,
Four and a half minutes to secure his place in the annals of history,
to-to-to-to rise above his station from a pauper to a king,
I mean, how the fuck does that happen if not for an act of God?
- Mm, - And he's left-handed too,
We both are,
Never seen someone get so hot and bothered over a politician,
Myrna, I want to invite you to the rally in October as my guest,
All the party bigwigs will be there,
- What's Chester Arthur doing there? - He's the vice presidential nominee,
Had a regular who went by that name once, It can't be the same guy,
I'd have a better chance of being vice president than that big idiot,
I'm telling you, Myrna, there is,,,
an energy in the air since Garfield came into being,
And I feel, for the first time in years, that we're on the precipice of something,,,
,,,desperately exciting,
Yeah,
Okay,
But I've got my eight o'clock,
Oh,
This is twice what we agreed on,
I know, I know, but,,,
may I just sit on the bed with you a minute more?
- Here you go, young man, - Mr, Garfield thanks you for the bread,
- Thank you, - Martin, if you could, Thank you,
A humble gift for the next president,
Oh no, come on, goat,
I must admit, it's strange to be received this way,
on the front porch of a politician,
Well, I've always rated myself a fairly bad politician,
With respect, Congressman, mm, all of us here,
we are used to hearing a lot of talk from men in power such as yourself,
We soldiers didn't put our lives on the line
for a Republic that'll deny us freedom at the polls,
Furthermore,
that will impugn us with literacy tests the proctors themselves can't pass,
I know words won't mean much right now,
but I swear this will be part of my fight,
On my honor,
We fought together, gentlemen, for freedom, not poll tests,
I'd rather be with you and lose than against you and win,
You truly are a bad politician,
- Oh, Mr, Cousteau, you shouldn't have, - It's the least I could do, Evelyn,
Everybody knows the volunteers in the Women's Auxiliary
keep the lights on in here,
Matter of fact, I was just remarking to Senator Blaine
last night at the Gaiety Club that--
Say, that old sourpuss, is he in yet?
Hancock is outspending us by a two-to-one margin,
The South is plying him with cold, hard Dixie cash
in hopes of turning back the clock,
We need big-ticket New York donors,
Arthur, are we boring you?
- What? - Oh, for fuck's sake,
Do you think we put you forth for vice president based on good looks?
I already told you fellas, I've done all I can,
Raffle off some Cabinet post to a Vanderbilt,
Such spoils were how Conkling won his elections in the past,
but it is also true--
Would you get your feet off the table?
- Mm,,, - Thank you,
Your running mate, James Garfield, won the nomination because it turns out
that the people actually want a government that they can trust,
They see the old ways as cynical, corrupt,
Yeah, and they're how we've stayed the majority party since the war,
But rather than harp on us, Senator Blaine,
you might want to consider spending more quality time in your home state,
That Maine special election you have next week
is far from a sure thing, I hear,
If the governorship goes to the Democrats, we're screwed in November,
My friends tell me that Hancock's camp gains ground in New England,
Mr, Arthur, I am New England,
The Northeast will come in solid, I'd stake my career on that,
No, the matter at hand is our game in New York,
If I may,,, I was just walking by, and I couldn't help but listen in,
Have you tried an appeal to rank and file donors?
Garfield is the people's candidate,
and, uh, he gives voice to the proletariat class,
And if every worker in America were compelled to chip in a dime,
you'd easily make up the deficit and empower a whole new voting bloc,
Who is this man?
What is he doing here? Why is he still talking?
Oh, I'm a friend of Senator Blaine's,
I was just in the area,
and I figured I'd swing by and check on the status of my speech,
Your what?
My speech, the stump speech that I intend to give in,,, in October at the rally,
- You very kindly offered to take a look, - Did I?
Cousteau, sir,
The Huguenot,
Oh,,,
Hold on a minute, Have we met before?
Uh,,, have we? I don't believe so,
Yes, I never forget a face,
Was it not your ass I kicked outside of the Standard Club in Chicago?
Think I'd remember that, huh? Might we have met in Newport?
Perhaps you summered together in the Mediterranean,
I think not, Our tastes are not quite as Greek as yours, Senator,
I'm sure it'll come to me later on,
It was Chicago,
- But on the topic of my speech, - Uh,,, it's still under consideration,
Wonderful, By whom?
Him,
Oh! I've actually taken the liberty of producing a few extra copies,,,
No, that won't be necessary,
,,,for you fine gentlemen,
We're quite busy,
What did I ever do to you, Senator?
You think me such a fool that I don't feel you mock me?
Why would you treat a person with such contempt
when-- when-- when he only asks to lend a friendly hand? Mm?
Do any of you have any idea how many more of us there are?
Like me,
Who have never had a taste for politics till now,
I came all this way because James Garfield is pushing
the most progressive plan this country has ever seen,
I'm here because I believe in change,
And all I ask from you
is a chance to prove my worth,
So bring me in, However you see fit,
And put me anywhere, And I'll work like a dog for you,
I will! I will!
I can make an impact,
Mm-mm-mm!
He made off with a small fortune
from his sister and her husband in Chicago,
A Mr, and Mrs, Scoville,
Mr, Scoville is awfully concerned about Charlie's well-being,
Mm,
Well, like I said to you gentlemen,
that wee toerag cleared off weeks ago,
So, unless there's anything else I can help yous with,
I have ten minutes to spare,
A farm boy like you know how to work one of those?
I've sent a telegram or two,
Sir? The special election results from Maine, they're in,
Maine falls for the first time in 30 years,
Two thousand votes,
Jesus,
Gentlemen, I am truly sorry
that I could not deliver a better omen for November,
I believe that I would prefer to perish in private, Good evening,
What now?
We get fucking sloshed, that's what,
Myrna!
- What? - Hurry up,
Ugh! Calm your loins, big lad,
That's your best throw?!
Hey, Guiteau! Wait right there,
Guiteau!
Hey!
Give it up, Guiteau!
It's over!
Guiteau!
Oh!
- Hit her! - Guiteau!
Hey!
- Hey! Who let your mug in here? - There! Come here, Charlie boy!
What's the meaning of this shit?
- This man is wanted in Chicago, - That's a lie!
- Oh yeah? You're not Charles J, Guiteau? - No, I'm not!
Guiteau, no, you half-wits! This man you have here is Cousteau,
Sure, pal, Call the guy whatever you want,
- We're taking him, - Sir!
I'm not your pal! Read a fucking newspaper!
My name's Chester Arthur, and I'll be met with some respect,
Chester Arthur?
Yeah, sure, I see the resemblance, We got Chester Arthur over here,
He is Chester Arthur,
I'm Chester goddamn Arthur, son of William Arthur,
chief collector of the Port of New York
and next vice president of you cocksuckers!
This man, what's more, is a friend of the Republican Party,
You will release him this instant,
You lay a hand on him again,
and I'll personally bring the entire wrath of New York to bear on you both,
You read me, you profligate fucks?
Yes, sir, We're very sorry, sir,
Just a simple mix-up is all,
Music! Fighting!
Sausages!
Box!
Sir, I have,,, I have no words, I cannot thank you enough,
I must repair, Accompany me,
I will, I will,
Sir, Here, sir,
You're a good egg, Cousteau,
That brash and ill-advised display
you put on back at headquarters, that stuck with me,
Oh,
Men like us,
we have to claw our way up,
- You speak a lot of truth, sir, - You're damn right I do,
- I got loads of worthy ideas to offer,,, - Yes,
I know you'll make for a fine vice pre--
Fine vice president indeed, sir,
And-- and we need voices like yours in Washington,
I'll never be vice president,
Our ticket is positively fucked,
- But you just said moments ago that-- - Piss and vinegar!
I'm first mate on a sinking ship
with a hole in it the approximate size of Maine,
Moreover, I've successfully alienated
the one true friend I had left in this world,
No! What do you mean? You have scores of friends,
You're one of the most beloved men in all of New York,
They don't like me, They fear me,
I like you,
- You do? - Yes,
In fact, I think you share a lot in common with Garfield,
You're both outsiders ascending the ranks on merit, Huh,
Also, um,,,
am I to understand that you were very recently made a widower?
My darling Nell,
Pneumonia took her from me, like, this last January or so,
And yet, you were brave enough,
while nursing a broken heart, to answer the call of your countrymen,
- Right? - Right,
I do feel that people tend to forget that part,
I happen to be shouldering a terrible weight,
You are, without q--
Without question,,,
,,,the man to meet this moment in history,
And I know that Nell would agree were she here with us tonight,
Well, that's a nice thought,
Though you didn't know Nell,
she was a fairly vocal Confederate sympathizer,
- Fuck, - Indeed,
There we go,
Well, you've given me a heck of a lot to think about this eve, my good man,
Well, I'm just glad I could be of counsel, sir,
Yes, yes,
Perhaps if I take the reins,
play an ace or two up my sleeve,
I may just be able to deliver a fighting chance for us after all,
Yes, And now that I have your ear, sir, on the topic of the rally next month,,,
You are still angling for a slot,
Wily bastard you are,
Well, it takes one to know one, sir,
It takes one to know one!
Shit, why not?
I'm sure we can find a place for you,
Consider it done,
Au revoir, Cousteau,
Guiteau, Guiteau,
Well, well, well,
They exiled you to Siberia, huh?
I have neither the will nor the capacity to show my face in Maine at present,
Here,
- Crete, - Senator Blaine,
Have we got any spare rooms left?
Just the honeymoon suite, my dear,
You made your bed, Chester, Now lie in it and shut the fuck up,
You would really rather sit by and watch your own party lose,
to suffer Hancock instead, purely out of spite?
There's only one way to save this party from itself,
- His ticket must crash and burn, - And me to burn with it,
Have you forgot that I'm your friend?
You were-- You were the first to ever believe in me,
You trusted my capabilities,
You gave me a shot in this life,
and I went out and I fucking killed for you,
And I still can,,, kill for you,
Blaine know you're here?
Blaine is out,
Wiped off the map from the beating he took in his home state,
I'm telling you, Garfield is pliable,
He can be influenced, He can be steered if needed,
You needn't waste four years on Hancock,
Not when I'm inside the White House,
Chester A, Arthur,
Vice President,
May I have your attention?
If you come from Ohio or Maine,
kindly show yourselves the fuck out,
Get the fuck out,
Round up the donor pool, Chester, We've got a rally to organize,
And could someone please go rouse that son of a bitch from his farm?
Time for him to meet his public,
Sitting here with you,
on this porch, reading our books in peace,
it's my favorite thing,
Then why go to Chicago and stand up and give that damned speech?
Because nobody was saying what needed to be said,
Not a one of them,
I waited, I waited, I hoped,
If just one other man in that hall would stand up and tell the truth,
I swear to God, if that'd happened, I'd have kept my mouth shut,
But now I have to consider the possibility
that I might be able to fix all the things that terrify me about this country,
I mean, what if you and I could actually make a difference?
"To begin in 1861, this nation was convulsed,,,"
Thank you, Frederic,
The chef braised the meat especially well today,
- I'll let him know, - Thank you,
I'd like to share a story with you all today,
The story of a hero,
Garfield has shown how a man from the humblest of circumstances
can come from obscurity to fame,
It is my great pleasure to introduce you to the man from Ohio,
soon to be your 20th president,
James A, Garfield!
Fellow citizens,
We stand, all of us today, at a critical precipice,
The elevation of the Negro race from slavery to full citizenship
is the most important political change we've known
since the origin of our Constitution,
Their advancement has improved the health of the Republic beyond measure,
But there are some among us
who still refuse the emancipated their basic rights,
We must be ready to confront this evil head-on,
to rub out ignorance and fear,
and to promote a shared wisdom in their stead
so that not only some but all may rise!
A new coalition run by the people
to safeguard America's future,
Equal opportunity as the law of the land!
Let us hold together and keep it!
Welcome home,
I have good news and bad news,
- Let's start with the good news, - We're closing the fundraising gap,
Donors are beginning to show,
Oh,
The kindness of Roscoe Conkling, I assume?
There is nothing kind about it,
He weighed his options,
He judged he's better off sticking with us than Hancock,
Is he?
One bridge at a time, Congressman,
This is the bad news, Let's get you in the house, Crete,
- China out! - Jim?
China out! China out!
China out! China out! China out!
- China out! - Disgusting!
They're asserting you wrote a letter to one H, Morey,
a Massachusetts unionist,
It says that you endorsed the importation of laborers from China,
competing for wages with the American workers,
Well, it's nonsense,
I've never even met a Morey from Massachusetts,
I didn't write it, It's a fraud,
And rife with misspellings,
We will issue a denial, a strong condemnation,
We will sue this rag, The New York Truth, into extinction,
That's it?
You're not even going to consider the toll on the workers?
Young lady, we take this stand in support of American workers,
Not those, the ones out of China,
They have as much a right to be here as anybody else,
You and Mom have said so yourselves,
It's just not a stance one can take so freely in this heated a climate,
You can't get elected alderman in America, let alone president,
if you take that stand,
But it's wrong,
Why aren't you saying anything?
He said he'd help people, fight for them,
I watched him tell a group of Black men he'd just as soon be with them and lose
than against them and win,
- Are these any less human? - Mollie,
You'd doom an entire people just to win,
I know you're angry,
I see the logic,
You can't help anyone if you don't get elected,
Doesn't mean I like it,
Harry read me a write-up from one of the papers in New York,
It had to do with your part in the war,
You always said you spent two years in a tent copying correspondence,
Mm-mm,
You know better than to believe everything you read in the paper,
But is it true, though, you fought at Shiloh and those other places?
Dad, you're the one that taught us a lie by omission is a lie nonetheless,
No, I think that was your mother,
Why'd you never say anything?
It isn't how the write-ups make it sound,
When you're there, you feel no glory,
You see no purpose,
And after, you have a choice to make,
You can let darkness define who you are,,,
or you can fill up your world with joyful things,
Things to give your life weight,
And one day you hope light will overwhelm dark,
That, uh, meaning
may come from what you saw,
Has it worked, do you think?
I'll keep you posted,
Okay,
Mm,
- Mr, Conkling! - A word!
Any predictions for today's election, Senator Conkling?
Not now, boys, Democracy calls,
Sorry,
Maryland and Virginia for Hancock, and Pennsylvania for Garfield,
I was owed Maryland, I think,
New York has come in safe for J,G, by a margin of 20,000,
That's 34-- That's 35! Thirty-five electoral votes!
Hancock has taken New Jersey,
That's a mistake, Check it again,
I said check it again, you bastard! Come on!
Can we win without Delaware?
I don't know,
Indiana,
Abram?
- He won, - Who won?
You won,
Oh my God,
We did it! We did it! We did it!
Unbelievable,
- A is this one, - Wait, so I'm doing it like this?
Look, you should try it, It's really good,
To the method in your husband's madness,
Oh,,, yes,
We got him elected to president,