Today is gonna be the best day ever,
How do I know that?
Because every day is the best day ever,
I love my life,
I love sunshine, I love butterflies,
But more than anything,
I love Doug,
Hey!
Shut the fuck up!
Fucking piece of shit,
That's Doug, Also known as the best owner in the world,
I still remember the first day we met,
She was too flirting with you,
Hey, babies!
The second Doug laid eyes on me, we knew we were meant to be together,
Fuck,
Ever since that day, he and I have been inseparable,
Why is Doug so great?
-Where do I begin? -Get down,
He loves being around me so much, he doesn't even have a job,
Also, Doug doesn't get me boring dog toys,
He lets me come up with my own toys,
Hi, Reggie, What you got?
Like this stretchy thing,
-What the fuck! -Uh…
Those aren't mine,
There's a simple explanation,
This was supposed to be a Christmas present,
Doug, it's July,
Sometimes I worry if I'm doing a good job making Doug happy,
-You don't get it, -I'm done, Reggie,
But then I realized I do make Doug happy,
What are you doing? You don't even like the dog,
I love this dog,
And that makes me happy,
All that matters is that you like him,
And I like that you don't get to have him,
You are a total fucking loser,
Yeah, a loser with a dog,
Honestly, the only thing in the world
that Doug maybe loves more than me
is his favorite toy: his penis,
He gives it haircuts, he watches TV with it…
- Flip it around! -Stop staring, You're ruining it,
And the way he pets that thing, sometimes I wish I was a penis,
But every time I try to play with it, he gets so possessive,
Get off! Get-- Bad dog!
The key to any good relationship is having things in common,
We both like barking…
We both love a good scratch,
And we can stay up all night, just talking for hours,
You fucked up my life, didn't you?
Even though I don't understand what he's saying…
She never would have found out if it wasn't for your dumb ass,
…I can tell he loves me,
And while I don't know that many human beings,
I think it's safe to assume he's one of the best,
Oh, goddamn,
It's bullshit, Mom,
They're kicking me out 'cause your last check wasn't enough for rent,
You might say Doug is messy, but lately…
No, I'm not gonna move back home,
…he's been much better at putting his toys away,
No, I'm sorry, Look,
It's just you know that I can't live that close to a school,
No!
Bad dog! That's my favorite fucking bong, dude!
Oh, You like that ball, don't you?
Lately, Doug has been playing a brand-new game with me
called "Fetch and Fuck"!
Fetch,
Basically, Doug drops me off really far away…
Sayonara, ke-mo sah-bee,
…throws the ball, and drives home without me,
Then it's my turn to get the ball and find my way back home!
-When I bring the ball back, he says-- -Fuck,
And that's how I know I won the game!
Fetch!
We've been playing it a lot lately,
- Fuck! - Sometimes we play it
three or four times in the same day,
Fetch!
Fuck!
Fetch! Fuck!
Fuck!
Holy fuck!
"Holy fuck" is right! I win again!
That's it,
This ends now,
♪ You only got a couple miles to go ♪
♪ If you're trying to drive me insane… ♪
These road trips are the best!
Because you get to see the exciting world outside our town,
Keep driving, Doug!
Don't make it too easy on me,
I love a challenge,
♪ 'Cause I hide from everyone ♪
♪ Shine on me ♪
This round's gonna be the hardest one yet,
because we went way further than we've ever gone before,
In fact, I have no idea where we are,
And that's exciting!
I know the world seems like a scary place sometimes,
but I don't worry,
Good luck fetching this,
Because I'm always safe at Doug's side,
Sure, Doug really challenges me with this game,
but that's just because he believes in me,
You know what they say: The best relationships are the hard ones,
You have to put in the work,
You gotta have courage,
And you always need to remember that real love…
is never easy,
But even though I love this game,
I kinda want it to be over,
Because, well, I really just wanna be home,
Okay, time to get moving,
Going back to Doug's,
This is a nice neighborhood,
I like all the trash,
And the needles, So many needles,
Hey, honey, you ever been with an Afghan before?
Uh, no, I don't think so, but thank you,
Well, well, well, What do we have here?
You lost?
Hi, there, big dogs, Yes, I am lost,
I'm trying to get to Doug's place,
Do-- Do you know which way that is from here?
-Hmm… You say Doug's place? -I did, yeah,
-Oh, yeah, I know which way that is, -Oh, great,
Right up my fucking ass, you little shit,
Oh… No, that can't be right,
Okay, Well, I'll just be on my way,
Uh, can I please have my ball back?
Your ball? You'll be lucky if I let you leave with your life,
Hey! Who in the fuck is making all that noise in my fucking alley?
Who's this guy?
Oh, you don't want me to come around this fucking corner now, do you?
Shit's gonna get crackin', Trust me!
You wanna dance, motherfuckers, huh?
You wanna dance? Let's do this,
What's up, bitches? Huh?
Oh, he's tiny,
The shadow, I thought he was fucking big,
Yeah, we can destroy this guy, right?
Yeah, go ahead, bite me, you raggedy motherfuckers,
I dare you!
You know how many diseases is up in me?
Rabies, scabies,
whatever disease you can get from tongue-fucking a dead squirrel,
which I did last night, 'cause I'm crazy, man!
That's a 37-inch vertical,
I'ma tell you right now, you run up on me,
and I'll stick this paw right up your ass and in his, Like a shish kebab,
Whoa, This guy seems nuts,
Look at the way he's barking at his own ass,
I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll bite my own ass off!
Oh, man, The fuck is wrong with this guy?
I'm so crazy I'll fuck the trash!
You like it, don't you? You like it,
You wanna get recycled?
Anybody got a twisty tie? 'Cause I'm fucking this bag up,
Okay, who's next?
He's freaking me out, Let's bounce,
I'll fight you or fuck you, Dealer's choice,
But either way, you're getting worms!
Large breeds, man,
These motherfuckers, man, always falling for that crazy little dog trick,
Hey, you with me, kid?
'Cause this block ain't for dogs like you, We should get the hell outta here,
But my tennis ball…
Ah, fuck it, We'll get you another one,
I'm Bug, by the way, You got a name?
Oh, Right, sorry, It's good to meet you, Bug,
-My name is Shitbag, -What?
Oh, it's short for "Dumbass Shitbag,"
But sometimes, Doug pronounces it "Fucknugget,"
Uh, none of those sound like names,
Oh, Well, Doug's lady friend used to call me "Reggie,"
Reggie, There you go, Yeah, we're gonna go with that,
Let's keep moving,
So, how long you been a stray for, Reggie?
Oh, I… No, I'm not a stray,
-Oh, you're not? -I-I'm just out here temporarily,
-Oh, -I actually have an owner,
We're playing this game where he drops me off far away…
-Mm-hmm, Right, -…throws a ball,
and then it's my turn to bring the ball back home,
- Holy shit! - Yeah,
That's, uh… I-I-I'm sorry, man, but that's incredibly tragic
and the funniest fucking thing I've heard in a long fucking time,
Glad you're having a good laugh,
Take it from me, kid,
That owner of yours, he's not playing any game with you,
-He left your ass, okay? -Huh?
You are officially a stray,
Don't call me that,
It's nothing to be ashamed of,
I'm a stray and I'm having the time of my life,
You'll learn, How old are you?
I'm two,
Well, I'm three, and I have seen it all, Paw to God,
I once saw a dog that was half Labrador and half poodle,
-A-A Labradoodle! -No, No, no, no,
A Poo-dor,
-A Poo-dor? -The other way around,
-Even fucking weirder, -Yeah,
Point is, life out here on your own can be fucking awesome,
as long as you go by the rules,
W-Well, what rules?
Rule number one: You want something, you pee on it,
Whatever you pee on, it's yours,
Let's try it out,
-You see that lamppost over there? -Yeah,
I want you to go over there and pee on that,
And you're sure this is okay?
Go ahead, Ain't nobody givin' a fuck,
You're a fucking stray now, That's my point,
Well, I'm not a stray, but, yeah, okay,
Congratulations, You now own a lamppost,
Oh, wow,
Now, let's talk rule number two,
You can pretty much fuck whatever you want,
Have you ever humped anything before?
Well, I wouldn't say I've humped per se,
but I do like to dance on Doug's leg,
Dude, that wasn't dancing,
Baby, you was humping, The devil's dance,
But now, the world is like a buffet for your tiny dog dick,
-Really? -You know what?
I recently fucked this couch,
-No, -Mm-hmm,
-Best sex of my life, -Wow, Really?
Yeah, a-a-and she dirty, too,
Oh, well, I-I can tell,
Looks like she hasn't been washed in years,
I'll see you later, baby,
It was nice to meet you,
Now, rule number three,
And this is the most important, bar none,
You are on your own,
-That's awful, -That's not a bad thing, all right?
Right now, you're freaking out
'cause you feel like, you know, y-y-you need this Doug guy,
-I do! -But no, no, trust me, you don't,
Humans trick us into thinking that we need 'em,
But they're just brainwashing us, man,
Point is, you ain't gotta deal with that shit no more, okay?
You a stray,
-You can do anything you want now, -I don't know,
Come on, repeat after me, "I can do anything,"
I can do… anything?
Damn fucking right you can,
Now, you wanna see how fucked-up humans can be? Come on,
Look at these motherfuckers here,
A bunch of pet dogs,
losing their minds over their 15 minutes of freedom,
God, if only our wolf ancestors could see these pussies,
Follow me,
Now, why are these humans so desperate to keep us?
-Because they love us? -No, no, I got a theory,
-They need us for our poop, -Huh?
Watch that lady, Watch her,
- See? See? - Uh-huh,
It's like they're collecting it for something,
What do you think they do with it?
I think they're using it to make chocolate,
-Oh, -Have you ever had a piece of chocolate?
-No, -Exactly,
Come on, I'm gonna introduce you to my homies,
I thought you said these dogs were all losers,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I say a lot of shit,
-Hey, losers, -Hey, Bug,
Ugh, If it isn't the tiny dog who caught the car,
-I did catch that car, -No, everyone knows that's impossible,
-Yeah, it was parked, -Yeah, it parked after I caught it,
-No, there was no one in the car, -No one in the car,
Listen, I don't even have to keep this conversation going,
What I was trying to do, losers,
was introduce you to my new friend, Reggie,
He just got dumped,
Aw, sorry, mate, Welcome to the club,
I'm sorry, Was it at least mutual?
-No, it's actually just a game, -Reg, I want you to meet Hunter,
He's a therapy dog who works in a home for dying humans,
Which sounds like an okay gig,
except that he was trained to be a police dog,
You almost made it to the police squad?
That's awesome,
Oh, Yeah, I… I guess it's awesome,
Get the fuck out of my way, cone boy,
Oh, Sorry about that, Bubsy,
Hunter, say something back, mate,
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Um… Hey, Bubsy,
You got any fucking… weekend plans?
- What? Still sounds friendly, - You got him,
-Yeah, raw-doggin' your mom, -Ah, Right,
Well, I'm pretty sure she's dead, but good luck anyway,
Pussy!
Love those observations, Bubs, Take care,
Hunter, get your weight up,
Don't let him talk to you like that,
-You're the biggest dog here! -You should eat his freakin' face off,
shit it out and then eat it again,
Bug, you know I don't love confrontation,
Yeah, don't let the big dick fool you, He's just a gigantic pussy,
Whoa, It is a great penis,
Oh, thanks, You know, I try to keep it clean,
Do my best to lick it as much as possible,
Yeah, the only thing thicker than Hunter's dick
is the sexual tension between these two,
- Oh, come on, - Bug, no, What?
-That's funny, though, -Yeah, right, Imagine,
"Thicker than Hunter's dick,"
- But, no, No, - No,
Now, Maggie, on the other hand, is one bad bitch,
But sadly, her owner, Jenna,
thinks the badder bitch is the puppy that replaced her,
So Bella looked at me, like, "I want a cupcake too,"
so I was, like, "I'm gonna get her a cupcake,"
-I am so here for that, -Right?
So, Jenna said, "sit," which I did,
But then I thought,
wouldn't it be cute if I acted all confused
- and tilted my head, like, "Huh?" - Oh, my God, stop,
Man, sure gotta suck to compete with that,
No, it's fine,
Bella's young and cute and fun,
so of course Jenna loves her more than me right now, and I get that,
Cool, Anyways, I was thinking, if you guys are free later--
But what I really don't get is why Jenna thinks it's so adorable
when she spins around in circles, I could do that in my sleep,
-You know what, it's totally fine, -Mmm, Okay,
You know what? It doesn't get to me so much anymore, I'm fine,
I'm not jealous or worried or angry or depressed
or confused or fuming or unhinged at all,
Yeah, you seem totally fine,
And now that Jenna's spending so much time with Bella,
it's given me a chance to do a little self-care,
I've been going into the digging,
I like the feeling of the soil under my nails,
I'm out in the fresh air again, I'm just connecting to the land,
No, I'm learning I love digging, I love digging! I love it! I love to dig!
What's happening?
See, Reg? Aren't you happy to be a stray now
and not have to deal with all that owner bullshit?
Well, no, As I said, I'm not a stray,
Doug and I are just playing a game,
Mm-hmm,
Look, why don't you come out with us tonight?
And you can learn how beautiful it can be when you're off the leash,
If I can't convince you that being stray is great,
- scraps night will, - Sure will,
Well, thank you, but I really should be getting back to Doug,
What? Why?
So I can make him happy, Isn't that a dog's purpose?
-Don't you ever say that again! -Here we go,
Reggie, your purpose is not to make some stupid human families happy,
It's not to make some single loser feel more complete,
Your purpose is to do
-whatever the fuck you want, -Whatever the fuck you want,
And when you are a stray,
- there's a lot to fucking do, - …a lot to fucking do,
Why do I feel like there's an echo in here?
- You've said this a million times, - I know,
I love that spiel,
Write your own fucking speeches, okay?
It's fine, Okay,
Now, what do you say, guys? Another scraps night?
Yes!
All right, meet at the pizza place at sundown,
and we gonna fuck shit up,
♪ Get wild… ♪
So what is scraps night?
It's that one magnificent night of the week
where humans are a lot more willing to give us food
or drop it accidentally or both,
That stuff that they're dropping is gold,
I just feel like we're gonna get in trouble,
No, we're cleaning up, These fuckers love it when we clean up,
Wait for it,
Drop the fucking pizza, bitch,
- Go! - That's the one, Let's do this!
♪ I-I-I-I'm with all my dogs ♪
♪ Finna fuck the city up ♪
♪ Keep a pocket full Got these bitches wanna hit me up ♪
♪ Drinking by the pool ♪
♪ Doing drugs, is you lit or what? ♪
♪ Making hella noise… ♪
This water is making me dizzy,
It's about to get real dizzy up in this bitch,
- I don't mind feeling dizzy, I like it, - Pace yourself, Reg,
Chester, for the last time,
there's no fucking fence there,
-Just come out with us! -I can't,
I'm telling you, there is a magical fence there,
You just can't see it!
-Come on, Chester! -Come on!
Chester! Chester!
Honestly, that is persuasive, and I don't know why,
I can't believe I'm doing this,
Stop being a pussy and do this!
Okay!
Whoo! Run!
- Chester! Chester! - You can do it!
You got it, Chester, You got it!
Whoo!
Goddamn!
It's real! The magic fence is real!
♪ Big dog status, big dog baggage ♪
♪ Big dog, fuck it I got big dog habits ♪
♪ See, I'm going hard in the paint Doing damage ♪
♪ Big dog tell me do it Look like I'm average… ♪
Oh, yeah, You gonna get it,
Somebody been naughty, You a naughty--
You a little naughty owl,
You're right, Bug, I like this humping,
Bug, can I try your owl?
I told you scraps night was gonna be off the chain, baby,
I'm having a great time,
Ain't this about a bitch,
Look at this motherfucker right here,
What you want, huh, homie?
-I'll rip your motherfucking nuts off, -Come on, let's go,
-Pointy-eared motherfucker, -Come on, it's not worth it,
- There you go, Reg, - I'm doing good?
Give it to that gnome, Reg,
Tell that gnome you're his daddy,
Hey, gnome, I'm your father,
- It's good to finally meet you, - Reggie,
Even under these strange circumstances,
No, Reggie,
Oh, you can't get me!
Aha, ah-- I'm too fast for you, I'm too fast for you,
-This motherfucker is keeping up, -Come on, let's go,
With your little bitch-ass friend with a home perm and shit,
-What did you say? -There you go, Reg,
-Don't you look at me like that, -Get up in his ass,
I would hate for this to get violent,
I didn't know I had a son,
- And he's a gnome of all things, - Reggie!
-Fuck, shut up! -Anyone want to hump my son?
Man, come on, It's too much,
He's handsomely dressed in a smart tunic,
Yo, Chester, You got balls, baby,
That magic fence was legit,
I kept telling you!
What a weird thing a magic fence would be to make up,
I can do anything,
- Reggie, don't, - Wait, what's going on?
- No, Don't do it! - Reggie, no,
I can do anything,
Do not test the dark arts, kid,
♪ Get wild ♪
-Oh, shoot! -That was fucking amazing!
-Incredible! -Holy shit!
-Yeah! -Impossible, That's impossible!
- Reggie! - I did it! I did it!
Oh, what a night,
Yeah,
Reg, I could tell the moment I sniffed your anus, you're a great guy,
-You're a legend, -Yeah, baby, I told you,
Stray's life is the best life!
Yeah, you gotta admit, it's fun to be off-leash for a bit, right?
- Right? - Yeah, it is kinda awesome
not having to hold my pee for ten hours until Doug lets me outside,
And I like the sound of "legend" a lot more than "shitbag,"
Guys, I'm still peeing,
Wait, is that really what he called you?
I really don't miss roasting in the car when he stops at a store,
and he leaves me with the windows cracked barely enough for me to stay conscious,
- Wait, what? - And I'm just panting, gasping for air
and trying to survive until he comes back in 45 minutes,
Classic Doug, Too funny,
So, this guy neglects you, throws you on the street,
and you still think he's a good guy?
Yeah, I mean, if Doug doesn't like me,
why does he let me eat his leftover human food?
So he doesn't have to buy dog food,
And why didn't he put a collar and tags on you?
Because he doesn't believe in labels,
Ah, come on, Reg,
And the bandana he gave me is way more special than a collar,
'cause he used it for his penis sneezes,
-Ew, -Ew,
Doug loves me,
We have a good relationship,
You just don't understand the situation,
because if Doug's such a bad guy,
and he left me on purpose, and he hurt me on purpose,
that would mean…
Doug doesn't love me,
Can you guys just give me a second?
Poor little guy,
That is just the classic toxic relationship,
I should probably talk to him, I am a therapy dog,
Nah, give him some space,
Kid's been through a lot,
That's what you fucking sound like, you piece of shit,
Oh, get off! Get-- Bad dog!
Bad dog! Bad dog!
Worst dog in the fucking world,
Hey, Reggie,
I know you're feeling hurt right now, and it's--
Ugh, It must be so hard to figure out what to do,
I'm going back to Doug's,
-What? -The fuck, man?
What's it gonna take for you to understand that he's not playing a game with you?
And I'm not playing a game with him,
Okay,
All my life, I felt like I wasn't worth anything
unless I heard those words, "Good boy,"
But they never came,
Well, he needs to know he's hurt me,
He needs to feel my pain,
And he needs to pay for what he did with the only thing he truly loves!
I'm gonna bite his dick off,
-Oh, -Wait, did he just say bite?
Yeah, I'm still a little drunk, but did I just hear you say that you--
I said I'm gonna bite his dick off!
Oh, I'm a hundred percent in for this,
- No, no, - Bug, Wait,
Wait, Reggie, please,
I feel you, I really do, but this is insane,
Yeah, like, maybe there's a metaphorical dick you could bite off,
like you could pretend my dick is his dick and you could give it a stern talking to,
No, his dick, No exceptions,
Playing with that thing was his favorite activity
until he started putting things in boxes,
- Boxes? - Oh, shit, that means he's moving soon,
- Moving? - Oh, man,
-What if we're too late? -Calm down,
We definitely don't have much time,
Any places, smells, landmarks you remember on the road to get here?
Uh… I just-- I remember passing an enormous hamster wheel,
Okay, hamster wheel,
A giant cone that looked like Hunter's,
Giant cone, looked like Hunter's,
And-- And the devil in the sky,
And the devil in the sky, Boom!
That's basically a road map right to this guy's custard launcher,
Bug, there's no way, It's impossible,
No, no, no, not quite,
Reggie's got no shot at making it back in time on his own,
But if we all go, I got the street smarts, you've got the muscle,
and Maggie's got a sense of smell so good she can sniff one asshole
and tell you what the guy ate three breakfasts ago,
- Bunch of nickels, - Exactly,
-She's incredible, -Guys, we can do this,
-No, there is no way… -I'm in,
…I am missing this, Let's do it!
Really?
-You guys would do this for me? -Hell yeah,
- We got your back, Reg, - Yeah!
All right, guys, Let's show these humans they can't toss us aside
without facing some bad fucking consequences,
Fellas, lady,
let's go get some dick!
Howling!
Howl!
Howling!
I'm just not a great howler,
♪ Yeah, word is bond ♪
♪ Das EFX in this You know what I'm sayin'? ♪
♪ Straight from the sewer Word is bond, yeah ♪
♪ Check yo' self before you wreck yo' self ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm bad for your health I come real stealth ♪
♪ Dropping bombs on your moms Fuck car alarms ♪
♪ Doing foul crime I'm that brotha wit' yo' Alpine ♪
♪ Sold it for a six-o Always let tricks know ♪
♪ And friends know we got the indo ♪
♪ No, I'm not a sucker Sitting in a House of Pain ♪
♪ And no, I'm not the butler I'll cut ya ♪
♪ This ain't no fucking motion picture ♪
♪ A guy or bitch-a I'll get wit' cha and hit ya ♪
♪ Taking that yak to the neck So you better run a check ♪
♪ So come on and chickity-check yo' self ♪
♪ Before you wreck yo' self Chickity-check yo' self ♪
♪ Before you wreck yo' self, boy ♪
♪ Check yo' self before you wreck yo' self ♪
♪ 'Cause shotgun bullets Are bad for your health… ♪
Howling!
♪ Check it ♪
Why did nobody tell us that dog journeys are so fucking exhausting?
-Yeah, -Oh, this is brutal,
I was still drunk when I agreed to do this,
Yeah, I'm hangry,
Yeah, I'm starving,
I just threw up over there, so there might be something in there
if you wanna give it a-- Okay,
I bet that's some of the pizza from last night,
Oh, yeah, lots of good shit in there,
Oh, there's those nickels,
Guys, we gotta keep moving, You can't miss this thing,
It's like a giant hamster wheel, but without the hamster,
And it smells like hot dogs,
Smells like hot dogs?
This is her superpower,
She's unbelievable, Look at that nose,
- You got something? - Wait a minute,
Wait, d-do you smell that?
- I just smell plastic, - Oh, yeah,
Oh, Yeah, I've got it,
She's walking away, Should we follow her?
I'm gonna follow her,
No, no, no, no, no,
A sausage is the one that looks like shit, but it don't taste like shit,
Okay, but then what is a hot dog?
Guys, Shh, Drop it,
-Look, What the fuck is this? -That's it, the giant hamster wheel!
- We're on the right track! - All right, guys,
We're on a time crunch,
but Hunter's gonna die if we don't get some food in him, okay?
-Maggie, you hang with Hunter, -Gotcha,
- Good plan, - Reg, you know what time it is?
-It's grub time, -It's gr-- Yeah, grub time,
-Let's get some grub, -Let's get some grub,
- This fucking place is weird, - So weird,
I never really can understand humans, man,
Especially, like, the lighter shade ones, They some strange motherfuckers,
I was thinking the same thing,
Hey,
Um… Your dog messed up my shot,
I think he's telling me I should pay for you to take another one,
Oh, is that right?
Yeah, that's what he was saying, I promise,
I wouldn't-- I wouldn't make it up, but he's got good ideas,
I could tell James felt different about this human girl,
Maybe it was because she smelled like biscuits,
Or maybe it was because something about her was special,
Excuse me, do you know where we can get some food around here?
As I was saying, James thought he was helping this girl,
But the truth is, she was helping him,
Oh, fuck this bullshit,
Wait, what is he doing?
I've seen this shit before, He's one of those narrator dogs,
Hey! No one's listening to your lame human story, you fucking dumbass!
Sadly, the little dog was right,
No one was listening to my story,
Which is too bad, because I'm the only one who knows
James is a cold-blooded serial killer,
He's got three bodies buried in the backyard already,
But I guess no one's interested,
I can't believe that dog,
He was so obsessed with his owner, he didn't even acknowledge us,
I'm gonna tell ya, kid, the moment they leash you up,
snip your balls, is the moment they got you by them,
-Hold on, They snip your balls? -Oh, yeah,
And I think they're collecting those too, to put in the chocolate,
- Get your hot dogs here! - Oh, shit! Look!
I got jumbo dogs!
Okay, here's the plan, You grab the sausages,
and I'll go over there and fuck the guy's leg as a distraction,
And break!
I don't think fucking the guy's leg is necessary,
but I see you've already started, All right,
Ooh, gimme, gimme, gimme,
- Bunny! - You won!
I can't believe I won!
Oh, look at that toy bunny,
You know, it hasn't even been a day yet, but I really miss toys,
Jenna had some good ones,
I'd rip that shit apart until I found that squeaky toy in the middle,
Ugh, I miss squeaky toys too,
But of course, I only got to play with those squeak toys
if I was a good girl,
and I smiled the right way for her stupid freaking selfies,
The amount of work that goes into looking cute,
Honestly, I had to go to spin around in a perfect circle like this,
move into a "I'm so fuckable" pose with my paws crossed,
And I'd have to stand up straight, paws up,
I have to show all my tits,
Yeah, Right, that-- yeah, that's pretty fuckable,
I mean, uh, that-that-- that's-- that's weird,
Wait, uh, there they are,
You know, Maggie, there's, um…
There's so much more to like about you than just your looks,
You think so?
Sure, I mean, you are hands down the best sniffer I've ever met,
Huh,
But you're also smart, and you can jump high,
and you know like nine human words,
That's insane,
I actually know 31, But thank you,
Honestly, I'd have to list about 20 more things
before I even got to anything to do with how beautiful you are,
Um… I'm sorry, that was too much,
No, that-- that means a lot to me,
You know, you're a really good listener,
Oh, that's because all the sound funnels through the cone right to my ears,
No, I didn't-- Never mind,
Wait, wait, what?
Have you ever thought about--
about taking the cone off for a little while?
Just to-- Just to see?
-No, -I bet you'd look really handsome,
Really?
Yeah,
- That's how you do it, Reg, baby, - That was awesome!
Oh, wait a minute, okay, What's this vibe?
- No, - What? Oh, nothing, Nothing,
-What vibe? There is no vibe, -What vibe?
Your boner implies that there's a vibe,
Oh, you know, that's because our friendship…
…got me erect,
Yeah, it was a friend boner,
Then why don't you get boners for us?
I mean, uh… …are we not your friends?
What? No, no, You guys get me hard all the time,
Hunter, that's about the sweetest thing I've ever heard,
Speaking of boners, how about some sausages?
We took 'em from a human,
You stole these from a human? What if someone saw?
Relax, Grow back some testicles,
Ain't nobody saw,
God saw!
God sees everything!
Run!
-We're under attack! - Save yourselves!
We gotta find cover!
The whole fucking place is gonna blow!
-Move! Move! - Oh, God!
We're all gonna die!
Mama!
Wow,
Stay low!
- They've got us surrounded! - Go, go, go!
- They're coming after us! - This way, hurry!
It's so loud inside the cone!
- Oh, shit! - No!
- Oh, no, no! - We gotta get over,
Over here, We gotta dig!
- We gotta dig! - Dig! Dig faster!
Hunter! Maggie! Help us dig!
- What? What's going on? - Come on, Maggie! Dig!
You said you love digging!
I lied! I hate digging!
There we go, Okay, let's go!
- I hate how the dirt feels under my nails! - Come on, let's go!
Wait, wait! Guys! I'm stuck! My bandana's stuck!
Ah!
-Oh, no! -Reggie!
- Reggie, no! - Reggie! Come on, buddy!
Maggie, Hunter, help me out,
No, no, no, Get out of here,
I-It's too late for me,
Listen to me! It's not too late,
No, Save yourself,
And tell Doug I wanted to bite his dick off,
Bite it for me, if you can,
Look at me, You're gonna live,
And you're gonna bite that dick yourself,
Hunter, the fence!
Here, check this out,
Come on!
Holy shit, they have a bomb!
-Come on, Reggie! -Come on! Come on, Reg!
- Almost free! I'm almost free! - Come on, Reggie!
- Ah! - Come on, let's go!
- Move, move! - Come on, guys, let's go!
Oh, well, Uh…
You guys wanna kiss a little?
Oh, my God! Holy shit!
Guys, that was crazy!
I feel like now I need an emotional support dog,
Bug… …you looked like you were gonna shit yourself,
I did! I literally did that,
- Oh, God! - He did, I stepped in it,
-Reg, you okay? -It's nothing, It's just--
You guys risked your life for me,
Bug, you saved me, I never thought anyone would do that,
Of course we would,
Come on! You're part of the pack, Reggie,
- We stick together, - That's right,
I've never been part of a pack before,
-Well, you are now, -I didn't even know that was a thing,
- We'll make it a thing, - Yeah,
So, I kind of have a weird idea,
Could-- Could we maybe…
- …pee on each other? - Say what now?
Well, you said that when you pee on something, that it's yours,
I just thought that since we're all, like, friends now, we could--
Pee on each other, so we belong to each other?
Yeah,
It was a stupid idea,
Jenna would be so mad if I came home covered in urine,
Let's fucking do it,
Oh, We're doing it, Okay, Why don't we do, like, a circle…
-Yeah, Let's lift our left leg, -Get to the starboard side,
- Yeah, we'll lift our left leg, - There we go, Left leg is good,
- Good, I get to pee on Bug, - Left leg is good,
- Whoa, - This isn't just warming my body,
it's warming my heart,
- Aw, - Wow,
I guess this makes us family now,
- Yeah, we're BFFs, - Yeah,
Even better, we're Pee-FFs,
Pee-FFs! I love it,
- Yeah, Love that, - Oh, Bug!
You look happy!
What are you talking about, I look happy? I'm just smiling
because we're all sitting here pissing on each other,
so it just-- I cracked a smile, It's not an emotional thing,
- You love us! - You love us!
- Okay, that's it, - That's right,
-You do, Bug, -That's my cue to go to bed,
- Come on, Bug, - Look, listen,
We got a lot of walking to do and not much time to do it,
Let's get some sleep,
H-H-Ho-Hold on one second,
-Go back the other way, -Better the other way, Let me…
Have you tried sniffing the ground?
Fucked that one up,
You gotta reset yourself,
Go back 90 degrees, You were so close,
Now sit down,
That'll do, That'll do,
All right, finally, good, Time for bed,
- Let's get some sleep, - Okay,
- And quick turn… It's time to go… - Wait, hang on,
One turn, Two turns, Three turns,
Oh, God, Bug's really fucked with my head,
- Turn, There, and that's it, - Five, four,
- three, two, one, - Again, Okay, Now I'm ready,
There, I did it, Easy,
And get down,
I'm getting much faster at that,
-Good night, everyone, -Good night, Reg,
Good night, Reggie,
Thanks again for letting me pee on you guys,
- Reggie? - Yeah?
Could you stop fucking talking?
- Yeah, Yeah, yeah, - All right,
Okay, guys, Big day today, Next up is the giant cone,
I don't know what kind of cone we're gonna find out here,
It can't be too hard to find, It's gigantic,
All I see is trees, but whatever,
Hey, mate, have you thought about how you're gonna do it?
Uh, sorry, d-do what?
-Bite Doug's dick off, -Oh,
Were you thinking lengthwise or tip-to-shaft?
Gosh, I don't know,
You know, I've never bitten off a dick before,
I guess I'll let it just come to me in the moment,
So, at what point of this trip
are you gonna build up a little BDE and make a move, huh?
-With Maggie? -Yes, Maggie--
No, with this mossy stump, What the fuck you think I'm talking about?
No way, She wouldn't go for me,
I mean, maybe a door opens up down the road,
but for now, we're just friends,
What are you talking about, opening up doors?
We don't have thumbs, You gotta knock the fucking door down,
Yeah, but who would want to date a failed police dog
who wears a cone 24/7?
Aw, come on, dude, Girls date losers all the time,
You know, Reggie, that you don't have to do it, right?
What are you talking about? Of course I do,
I'm gonna get all over that dick, Chomp, chomp, chomp, Mmm,
Yeah, but you could just, you know, move on from Doug,
and then you wouldn't have to do anything to him at all,
You could always just let it go,
I-I'm not--
No, Not just gonna let it go,
All right, look, you failed doggy school 'cause you was a wuss,
but there's nothing we can do about your past,
We might, however, be able to get that thing off your head,
This? No, No, you can't,
Sure we can, If we all pull together, we can--
No, I mean, I need it,
I keep it on intentionally,
Wait, really?
I assumed it was, like, you know, a medical thing,
Oh, it is,
I'll do anything to keep it on,
and most self-inflicted injuries will do the trick,
You know, cat scratches, ear infection from the toilet,
lick my testicles for hours and hours until the humans get concerned,
But it's worth it, I get anxious sometimes,
and the cone helps me block things out,
What are you guys talking about?
Oh, uh, nothing, You know, same old, same old,
I'm telling him he's got to get that big dick energy,
-Bug! -Well, you've got the first part down,
Thanks for complimenting my penis, Maggie,
You know, your vagina's huge too,
-Seriously? -Shit, Why did I say that?
- Reg, let me ask you something, - Yeah?
How sure are you that the big cone is this way?
I don't know,
On a scale of "sure" to "not sure," I'm pretty sure…
that I'm not really sure, That, I'm sure of,
Holy shit! We're lost,
- Great, - I knew this would happen,
Calm down, Bug, We'll figure it out, This could be a lot worse,
Oh, really, Hunter?
I'm starving, we're completely fucking lost,
and my little puppy paw pads are really hurting right now,
- Aw, - So how exactly could this get worse?
Huh? How could it? Tell me, Huh?
How could it get worse?
Oh, oh, oh!
Bug!
- Why did I say it could get a lot worse? - Oh, shit!
Please, please, don't drop me! Don't eat me! None of that!
- That eagle has some good timing, - Bug! Hold on, buddy!
Reg! Reggie! Guys, help me!
Ask him if he wouldn't mind bringing you lower!
What are you talking about? I don't speak bird,
- We're in a real pickle! - Help, help, help,
Do something, Somebody do something!
Oh! Oh, God!
Yes! No!
This is fucking crazy, we're going higher!
- Hold on, buddy! - Reggie! Bug!
Oh, wow, your balls look huge from this angle,
Thank you, But holy fuck!
That is a golden-cheeked warbler,
I've been missing that one,
Uh…
Mmm,
Check,
Holy shit,
That is the craziest thing I have ever seen,
And I'm Dennis Quaid, and Dennis Quaid has seen some shit,
-Let me down, bitch! -Bug, look!
Over there! The giant cone!
-What? - The giant cone!
Oh, the cone! Well, shit,
That would be great news if we weren't stuck to this fucking bird!
Bug! I got an idea, Hang on!
Reg, what are you doing?
Oh, God! That's bold!
It's too bold!
Here we go!
-Well, shit-- Ow! -Ah!
Reggie! Bug!
- Ah! Help! Shit, - Ah! Branch!
Smaller branch!
Fuck!
Shit--
Goddamn--
Wow, they're hitting a worst-case-scenario amount of branches,
- Branch! - Paws! Paws! Paws!
- Neck! - Tail!
Oh, my God, I am so sorry,
I did not mean to barge in like this,
What, are you guys wrestling?
Shit!
Bug!
- Reggie! - You're alive!
Oh, fuck, Got a stick up my ass,
Well, Hunter was right, That could have been worse,
Just get the fuck out of the bush,
Reggie, you are once again a legend,
Guys, that was epic,
Fucking leaves, Get off me!
Guys! You wouldn't believe it, We saw the giant cone,
- What? - Yeah, we did,
-Really? -That's amazing,
That means we're heading in the right direction,
Yeah, and not to be cheesy,
but being up in the sky like that just moments from my death,
I-- I learned something about life,
-What's that? -What?
Birds don't have genitals,
Well, then how do they…
I don't know, Maybe they have both parts inside,
So if you were to say "go fuck yourself,"
they could actually do it,
Um, okay, then,
So, hey, next up is the devil in the sky,
Howling,
Come on, guys, We're over halfway there,
My howl's getting better,
- You guys hear that? - Good on you, I'm so proud,
- Hey, man, - Yeah?
I really appreciate what you did up there,
I mean, no need to pee on each other or anything like that, but thanks,
Of course, We're Pee-FFs,
We stick together,
All right, all right, Enough, Put your tongue back in your mouth,
Okay, okay, Never have I ever gone down on a girl dog,
Really? Seriously?
- You guys lick your balls all day, - No, no,
That's different,
- How is it different? - It's way different,
Bones to biscuits,
I can't believe that I'm the only one,
What, you went down on a--
I was experimenting, Come on, I was in my twos,
- Oh, - Yeah, that's the twos,
Oh, like a rumspringa,
♪ Living in this big blue world… ♪
Okay, I got one, Would you rather eat poop or--
- Eat poop, - Eat poop, Definitely eat poop,
Okay, but I didn't even get to--
It doesn't matter, I like poop,
So, question, When dogs have sex from behind…
- Okay, okay… - …what's the style?
- That's just regular style, - Regular style,
Is there another style or do we only have one?
I only know one style of fucking, and I've been doing it my whole life,
Then what's human style?
In human style, the boy pretends to be the dog
and the girl pretends to be the couch,
- It's very complicated, - Wow, that is complicated,
Every species is different,
♪ Two, four, six, eight Who do we appreciate… ♪
All right, I've got a joke, Knock, knock,
No, You gotta ask, "Who's there?"
- Okay, Got it, got it, - Knock, knock,
Guys, stop, You won't even let me get to the joke part,
Later, Maggie, Somebody's at the door,
Nothing funny about a stranger at the door,
Ugh, You guys are fucking morons,
♪ I know I'll be A-O, A-O-K… ♪
- You guys got anything yet? - No, Man, and I'm starving,
Anything edible over there? Like a buffalo chicken pizza?
No, just squirrel poops,
No, I can't eat no more of that shit, That goes right through me,
Hey, I think I got something,
What do you got?
-What are those? -Kind of looks like food,
I don't know,
- Let me get at it, - Mmm, It's not too bad,
- I'm down to clown, - How many of these should we eat?
- All of them? - Yeah, that makes sense,
These are so good, Mmm,
Ooh, this one's spicy,
Mmm, Kinda nutty, right?
All right,
That should hold us, Solid dinner, Mmm,
All right, let's get moving,
Oh, shit, Gimme a sec,
Whoa, Whoa,
What the fuck?
Hunter, your cone,
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know, I should probably take it off,
No, no, It's growing,
Oh, my God, Oh, my God,
- Bug, - No,
Bug!
Can't be,
Dolores!
-Hello, Bug, -What you doing out here?
We need to talk,
Wait, Maggie, You look different,
Really?
Oh, shit, you look different too,
-How so? -Um, you're kinda…
Is it my human hands?
- Do you think I could play piano now? - Definitely,
Doug?
Hey, Reggie!
Doug! How's it going?
Not great, Yeah,
Just giving it one last shave,
'cause word on the street is you're planning to bite it off,
Oh, That was supposed to be a surprise,
Who told you?
Sorry, Daddy,
Oh! My son, the gnome,
-We're done, Bug, -What?
-I'm seeing someone else now, -Who?
You kidding me? Him?
Hey! Go fuck yourself, man!
Dolores, come back!
He yelled to the sky,
But what Bug didn't realize--
-Fuck you, narrator dog! -He said,
Stop saying "he said,"
He replied,
I always had such high hopes for you, Reggie,
I just wanted you to be… …a good boy,
All I ever wanted was to be a good boy,
Goodbye, Reggie,
Wait, Doug! Come back!
-Whoa, whoa, What's that smell? -Wait, wh-what?
It's coming from over here,
Hunter, are you seeing this?
- Toys, - Toys!
Guys, get in here! Get over here!
- Reg, pull this one with me, - -It's so squishy!
- Oh, fluffy! - -I can't feel my snout,
Oh! Toys everywhere!
I don't want this day to ever end!
Yeah, me neither!
Morning, guys, Comfy?
Oh, shit, I thought you were Dolores, My bad,
-I gotta go pee, -What's that by your feet, Reggie?
My feet? What are you talking about?
-What is that? -Yeah, what is that?
Oh, my God, That's an ear!
-An ear? -Holy fucking shit!
They were toys, Guys, where are the goddamn toys?
This is not real, This is not real!
This is real! This is real! Oh, my God!
We killed 'em!
I'm gonna barf,
Oh, God, there's fur in the barf!
We're fucking murderers! Oh, my God, Now I'm gonna barf,
Holy fuck! This can't be happening!
Hang in there, Stay with me, I'll fix you,
-Bug, what are you doing? -What does it look like?
I'm getting rid of the evidence, Nobody can know!
Um… We are gathered here today to say goodbye to the bunnies,
Honestly, what we did was an accident,
-Absolutely, -Right,
And I know that if we weren't confused from the food we ate,
we would have never mauled you, tore all your limbs off
and shook your corpses around while giggling gleefully by accident,
So bless you, bunnies,
-Yes, Sorry, -Bless you,
-So sorry, -Sorry,
-Amen, -All right, that's it,
Never speak of this again, Not one word, do you hear me?
Not one fucking word,
-Not one word about what? -Oh, shit, The cops,
"Oh, shit's" right, motherfucker,
Wh-Wh-What did we do? We're innocent, I promise,
-Sit! -I am,
On the ground! Lay down! Paws where I can see 'em,
-We're laying down, -Search these bitches,
-They're hiding something, -Oh, God, what do we do?
Calm down, I got this, I'm gonna speak with my white dog voice,
Hello, officer, None of us have ever killed a bunny in our lives,
- Bug! - What? Everybody shut the fuck up,
We're looking for a lost Girl Scout,
Riley Anderson, Age eight in human years,
Wandered away from her campsite two days ago,
Thought you dogs might have some contact with her,
I've got nothing, sir,
But it smells like you haven't, Let's move out,
Wait, wait, I could help,
I'm sorry, I don't really want to be that bitch,
but I'm actually really good at sniffing,
and I'd be happy to assist in finding this lost girl,
Adorable,
Yeah, no, thanks, Australian Shep-turd,
Excuse me, but you really shouldn't talk to her like that,
And what the fuck are you gonna do about it?
I-I will do nothing the fuck about it, I am sitting down now,
Oh, Hunter,
-Hunter? -Rolf?
Holy mother-flipping shit!
I didn't recognize you with the cone,
Yeah, yeah, I got a cone now,
Bring it in, bro,
-Buddy! -Give me some!
God, Well, I should've known,
'cause your butthole smells exactly the same,
I'll never forget this butthole,
-What the fuck? -You know this guy?
You kidding me? This fucker and I went to the academy together,
Everything I know I learned from this son of a bitch,
Technically, we're all sons of bitches, sir,
Shut up, Hey, so where'd you end up, brother?
Drug sniffing? Bomb detection? What are we talking about?
Oh, um… Well, I take care of dying humans,
Oh,
I mean, that's not the end of the world, I guess,
Oh, For them it is,
Well, hey, guys,
You found some strays, Rolf?
Huh?
-Good job, -So what are you fuckers doing out here?
-Oh, uh, well, it's a long story, -We're gonna bite a guy's dick off,
It's actually a short story,
Nice! Man, when I joined the force, you could bite dicks left and right,
Nowadays, I chomp a dick, I gotta fill out two weeks of paperwork,
Can I get an AC unit down to Old Forest Road 54?
We're trying to get to the devil in the sky, Does that sound familiar?
- Devil in the sky? Yeah, - Much appreciated,
You stick with us, we'll show you the way,
-Wow, really? -Sure thing, rat boy,
Let's not wait so long next time, huh?
-What's it been, seven years? -I think just one,
but every year feels like seven to us, so that makes sense,
Okay, We gotta get our story straight,
It was a possum who killed all the bunnies, Got it?
-Wait, what's the possum's name? -Uh, Greg,
That's not a believable name for a possum, Ooh, Can it be Monty?
-Hey, Cath, -Steve, thanks for coming over,
Hey, little guy, Want a treat?
Treats! I love treats!
Oh, my goodness, does somebody want a treat?
This one's all for you, I got tons of treats,
Reggie, it's a trap!
Hey!
No, no, no!
Those bunnies were dead when we found them,
It was a possum named, uh, Greg, or--
Monty! His name was Monty, not Greg,
We had no choice, They threatened us!
But, Rolf, I thought we were pals,
Sorry, old friend, The law's the law, You know how it is,
What a sadistic fuck,
Hey, calm down, sweetie pie, You'll all be fine,
If you got tags, they'll send you home,
-Oh, fresh meat, -Hey, big boy,
-I like the mouth on that one, -We're gonna cuddle real hard,
Hey, bitch! Hey, little bitch!
Guys, we gotta get out of here, We're running out of time,
-Where even are we? -Nowhere good,
No, no, no, I can't be here,
I can't, Not this again,
Come on, mate, We'll be fine,
Rolf told us they'll just send us home, It'll be all right,
They only send you home if you got a home to go back to,
And do you know what these people do to dogs that don't have one, Hunter? Huh?
Do you have any idea what they're about to do to me and Reg?
Calm down, Bug, We'll figure this out,
Ain't nothing to figure out, Maggie,
These humans caught us and now we are fucked,
Bug, you don't know that,
Yeah, I mean, Bug,
you say you know so much about humans, but you don't really know them either,
I mean, you've never had an owner,
You never had a Jenna, You never had a Doug,
I had an Emma!
What?
Whoa, Bug, you had an owner?
Yeah,
And I told myself that I would never say her name again,
But y'all need to hear this,
-No, -No? Okay,
I don't remember everything,
but I remember the day she got me out of there,
- This one, - He's a cute little bugger,
Cute little bug,
We did everything together,
We played all day, and no matter how stupid I acted, she always laughed,
Trick or treat,
We even did this thing I hated,
where she would dress us up in super weird clothes,
and ask the neighbors to give us that chocolate humans make from dog poop,
Oh, not for you, honey,
It's okay, It's just a storm,
But even better than all the fun we had is the way she made me feel,
I love you,
When she said that, I felt so special,
And then it was usually followed by these incredible belly scratches,
No one ever made my leg kick like that,
Except for this one night with a raccoon I don't like to talk about, but, anyway,
But then I made a mistake,
It was a blur,
I didn't even know what I did until it was too late,
Say goodbye to Bug?
I thought I was getting put in time-out or something,
But the place she sent me to…
the time-outs there never end,
Whoa!
I never saw her again,
After all we had been through,
Everything she made me feel, everything I thought I made her feel,
Just nothing,
We did so much together, She taught me so many tricks,
But the one trick she never wanted me to learn was…
"Stay,"
Mmm,
I think I zoned out around the middle part,
Can you tell it again?
Hunter, I'm not gonna tell the middle part again,
I'm sorry, Bug, I had no idea,
Don't be sorry, Reg, Be thankful,
'Cause you got a chance to make this right,
Oh, what I wouldn't give to bite this girl in the dick,
But you know, she's six, and I don't know where she lives now,
and she's a girl and doesn't even have a dick, but still,
Listen, What we're doing isn't just about Doug,
We're doing this for all of them,
For every single one of those humans who treated us like shit,
Man, biggest mistake of my life,
Yeah, I'd regret that bite too,
The bite? No, I'm talking about her,
She's the mistake, Not the--
Okay, well, we can talk about getting back at your exes all we want,
But none of that matters if we can't get out of here,
Guys, what if we can get the key?
Oh, no, we'd need, like, a super long pole to hook it,
Why is everyone looking at me?
Come on, Hunter, You can do it,
You're so close,
Just a little more,
Come on, get hornier! You can do it!
This is all I got,
Maggie, come on, Excite him,
Hunter, this has been a really long, hard trip,
But the thing that keeps me panting is thinking about us doing it
regular style,
Oh, boy! It's working,
Keep talking, Maggie, More sexy stuff,
Just picture me, all eight nipples rock hard,
And I'm wearing nothing but…
…the cone,
You're doing it, Hunter,
Come on, Hunter, Use that dick of yours,
Yes, Hunter!
Hunter! Hunter!
Hunter! Hunter! Hunter!
Hunter! Hunter!
Hunter!
Sorry, guys, It's hopeless,
Oh, Hunter,
Shit, Really thought that was gonna work,
Sorry my dick let you down,
Wait, I've got it,
What's the one thing humans are obsessed with?
-Uh, themselves, -Painting their faces,
-Dying, -No,
Bug, you said it yourself,
What's the thing humans are most obsessed with about dogs?
-Our shit! -Yes!
Every single time we shit, what do they do?
- They come and bag it up, - Yeah,
That's right, Once this place gets all poopy,
Willy comes in and bags it up, like he's collecting it for something,
- Exactly! That's our ticket out of here, - For chocolate!
We poop until he has to open these doors,
and when he does, we charge!
- Good on ya, - Nice thinking, kid, I'm in!
I got a couple of shits in the chamber,
-Not gonna happen, -No, thanks, kid,
What's wrong with you guys? Don't you want to get out of this place?
Of course, But we've been burned so many times,
we're smart enough to know that we'll never get beyond these walls
without a human coming to adopt us,
Look, I get it,
I've had dark moments,
Moments where I felt stuck,
Moments where, even if you couldn't see it,
it felt like there was a wall or a fence holding you back,
Yeah, invisible magic fences, I swear to God, that's real,
But I'm here to tell you that's garbage talk,
'Cause I was lucky enough to meet some amazing friends,
who taught me that just beyond those walls
is a bunch of incredible stuff worth living for,
There's lampposts to pee on,
There's scraps to eat and couches to make love to,
And dead bunnies…
…that I-I know nothing about,
-I know nothing about that either, -No clue what you're talking about,
-Tennis balls to fetch and-- -A dick to bite off!
What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, That too,
But most importantly, there's a life out there worth living,
- Go, Reg! - Whoo! Reggie!
So I'm asking you, do you want to stay here and die,
or do you want to shit your brains out and live?
-Live! Live! -We wanna live!
-Live! -Live!
Then poop with me! Poop with me to freedom!
♪ Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit ♪
-♪ Oh, shit, oh, shit ♪ -♪ Are you ready for this? ♪
-♪ Oh, shit, oh, shit ♪ -♪ Oh… ♪
Dig deep inside of you! Deep inside your colon,
Release your pent-up feelings,
Let it flow!
♪ When I come to the club ♪
-♪ Step aside ♪ -♪ Oh, shit ♪
♪ Part the seas Don't be havin' me in the line ♪
♪ Oh, shit… ♪
Great work, everybody! Keep on pooping!
-♪ And me love you long time ♪ -♪ Oh, shit ♪
♪ How come every time you come around ♪
♪ My London, London Bridge Wanna go down? ♪
♪ Like London, London, London Be goin' down like… ♪
Those are my eyes,
Exactly,
I think Dad's really gonna love this,
I think it's working, Places, everyone,
Oh,
Oh, God, I can taste it,
Oh,
What…
Oh, fuck,
Very cute,
Very funny,
I see what's going on here,
You guys think that I…
am a big, fat fucking asshole, Right?
You know everything about me,
You know all the things that have happened in my life
with my dad and my ex-wife,
Bravo, Bravo!
Oh, encore!
Just kidding!
It's done!
We are done!
Wait, what are you-- Oh, my God,
Charge!
Ah, we did it!
I can't believe we shit that much!
Hunter's dick! Hunter's dick!
The hell with ya!
Thanks for your patience, folks, Really,
Ooh, I'm sorry, Diane, Uh…
"Then poop with me to freedom!"
So cheesy, but I loved it,
What a plan, What a speech, Reg,
Actually, Reginald, I preferred the first speech,
You know, the one where you convinced all of us to do this,
back when you were focused on biting Doug's dick off,
- Bug, - Okay, okay, Bug, Look,
Oh! Look! The devil in the sky!
-We made it! -Look at that fucking guy!
Burn in hell, you motherfucking son of a bitch,
-I hate everything about him, -The dumb-ass smile, those shitty pants,
I want to rip your nuts off and make you watch!
Stupid hat and your stupid truck,
with the door on the other side of the thing,
- I hate his face, personality, - I wanna rip him a new asshole,
I hate his bag, his shirt…
He smells like a thousand different houses,
and I can't trust that!
Anyways, good job, guys, The final landmark,
-Yeah, That's right, -And right on schedule,
Yeah, barely, You remember which way to go from here?
Uh, yeah, we just-- we just stay on this road for now,
-Good, let's move, -All right,
- Great, - W-Wait, wait, wait,
One second, Can't leave yet,
-Huh? -What's up, Reg?
Where is it? Oh, there,
All right, Let's go, guys,
No, no, no, Hold on a second,
Why couldn't you leave without the ball, Reggie?
I don't know, I just like tennis balls,
I know ball guys, You're not a ball guy,
Well, you don't know everything about me,
Well, I'm learning a little more right now,
Drop the ball, Reg,
What? No,
Drop the fucking ball,
-Leave it! -I'm not gonna leave the ball!
-Drop the ball! -No,
Reggie, you drop that goddamn ball!
-No, -You don't even like balls!
Doug likes balls!
Doug?
Oh, Reg,
I don't know why, but he does,
And when we play the game, "Fetch and Fuck,"
it always ends when I come home and bring him back a ball,
So I know he's expecting it, and I'm not gonna let him down,
Goddamn it,
So when you told me you didn't know how you were gonna bite Doug in the dick,
the real reason you don't know is because…
You're not gonna bite Doug in the dick,
Look, when we first set out, I was totally into the plan,
But the closer we got to Doug, the more I realized
that I miss him,
-And I think he misses me, too, -Reggie, don't do this,
You deserve so much better than him,
I don't, Hunter, I really don't,
You know why Doug abandoned me?
Because I was the problem in our relationship,
I ate his shoes,
I woke him up so early every day because I needed to pee,
And I pooped on the rug,
We've all pooped on the rug, Reggie,
Did you roll in it, Maggie? Did you roll in the poop?
Because guess what, I rolled in the poop,
Okay, that's not great,
God, I can't believe it took me this long to realize this,
that every time he called me a bad dog, he was absolutely right,
-It was all my fault, -Wow,
Well, I'm not gonna be a bad dog anymore,
It's time for me to be a good boy,
Jesus, I cannot believe that I risked my life for this asshole
just so he could go back and get with another asshole,
I did all of this for you, Reggie,
You didn't do this for me,
You said it yourself, This isn't about Doug,
This is about every single one of them who treated us like shit,
-This is about Emma! -Reggie,
Fuck you,
Hey, How about rule number three, Bug?
You're on your own? Well, then what were we?
-Wow, -I don't think you want to be a stray,
-I think you're sad and lonely, -Can you believe this fucking guy?
And I think the only reason you claim to hate humans
is because if you ever stopped to think about what happened,
you'd realize that Emma didn't fuck it up,
-You did, -Get the fuck away from me,
Believe me, I fucked up with my owner, too,
So thank you for helping me realize I was the problem,
Only difference is I have a chance to fix it and not end up like you,
-Hey, hey, What are you doing? -Guys, stop it! Guys!
- Come on! - Give me this thing!
-Give it back! -Bug!
Doug gave me that! Give that back!
-I know he did! -No!
- Stop it! Stop! - Bug, don't do that,
That's what I think about you and your owner,
Go fuck yourself, Reggie,
You two deserve each other,
-Reggie, don't do this! -Reg,
I hope he's already left without you!
Man,
I really thought my dick was gonna hook those keys,
Um, but this is also a bummer,
Bug, we can't go back,
Sure we can, The devil in the sky, Cone, Hamster wheel,
Just in the opposite order of how we came,
No dead bunnies this time,
Bug, she means we can't leave him like this,
First off, Hunter, we didn't leave him, He left us,
Second, we don't know the rest of the way back to Doug's place, anyway,
And third, I'm not just gonna hang around here
and let some dickless bird swoop in on my girlfriend while I'm gone,
What?
Look, if there's one thing that the asshole got right,
is that I have been wasting my time with you guys,
I'm a stray, and I should start acting like one,
-Wait, where are you going? -I don't know, To go do some "nunya,"
What's "nunya"?
Nunya fucking business,
Oh, yeah, I walked right into that one,
Let's go home, Hunter,
Talking about I'm lonely, Talking about I'm scared,
Fuck does he think he's talking about?
I'm gonna tell you right now, I ain't lonely
and I damn sure ain't scared,
Fuck you, leaf!
End up like me?
I pissed on two cars and three houses last week,
That's right, I'm a three-year-old dog and I'm already a homeowner,
I'm living the motherfucking dream, And I'm not scared to be alone,
Matter of fact, I ain't scared of anything,
Who's that?
Don't come closer! I-I, uh…
I'm crazy! I fuck trash!
Nope, not doing this, Just walk away, Bug,
Little girls like Emma suck and you know it,
Don't listen to her, man, Don't listen to her,
Another fucking narcissist putting her needs above your own,
You've been down this fucking road before, man, just-- just…
Goddamn it,
Hey, there,
What are you doing out here all alone?
Did you get lost like me?
It's gonna be okay,
Holy shit, Wait! You're the girl that everyone's looking for,
Holy shit!
I found her, I found her!
Somebody, please help!
-I found the girl! -That's Bug!
Bug, where are you?
Let's go!
I see him!
I can't believe you found the girl,
Oh, my God, Bug!
Come on, we gotta get her some help, She's in bad shape,
- Help! Over here! - Over here! We found her! Help!
-Help! -Rolf! You dickhead!
-Help! Help! -Come on! Help!
Lost kid! Let's move!
-Over here! -Help!
- Here they come, - Over here,
Munchkin, check the girl,
Hell of a job, Hunter, and small dogs,
-Didn't know you had it in ya, -Oh, my God,
Riley! Riley, here you are,
Good dog, good dog,
You're okay,
I'm not even gonna ask how you ended up back in these woods,
All I'll ask is
how can I repay you?
You can help save my best friend,
Oh, what am I gonna say? What am I gonna say?
Okay, I should probably rehearse this,
Hey, Doug,
"Hey, shitbag,"
- What've you been up to? - "Mostly masturbating,"
Oh, Cool, classic Doug,
So, I owe you an apology,
"Okay,"
You were totally right to ditch me in that alley,
I mean, I was terrible,
"Agreed,"
But I was wondering if we could maybe make some changes when I'm back?
Like, maybe we could do walks now,
and possibly increase pee breaks to twice a day?
And maybe, if you feel like it,
you could call me a good boy every once in a while?
Ugh, This is stupid,
What do you mean you can't track him down? You're sniff dogs, That's what you do,
Yeah, come on, Rolf, They taught us that,
It's impossible, We can't track him without knowing his scent first,
Did you get any whiff of him yesterday, Munchkin?
- Nothing I can recall, sir, - Wait!
-The bandana! -Come again?
We can get his scent from the bandana, Let's go! Let's go!
Nice, Maggie,
Rolf?
Hey, Rolf!
- There it is! - There! There it is! There it is!
Way to go, Maggie,
Halt! Good God, what's that smell?
Can you smell Reggie off that thing?
I'm not getting any dog off of this, sir, Just a lot of urine,
- Oh, huh, Oh, wow, - Huh,
- That's weird, - It was Bug,
And from the stain patterns, I can tell this was a very small pee stream,
indicative of a dog with an… …unbelievably tiny penis,
-Again, Bug, -It ain't indicative of shit,
If anything, it is indicative of a well-shaped,
sensual penis that transcends dick size,
Lots of TDU: Tiny Dick Urine over here,
It would take a miracle to pick up any dog scent off of that thing,
There you are, What's gotten into you guys?
Fuck are you doing?
You'll taint the smell,
I'm doing your job, Now back the fuck off, Adolf,
-Adolf? -It's 'cause you're a German Sh--
-Oh, whatever, -I get it now, Hitler reference,
Go, Maggie! Go, Maggie!
I'm picking up…
Bitches of the night, Pizza, Vomit pizza?
Hot dogs, All of our pee,
Eagle feathers, Dennis Quaid?
Squirrel sex, Dead bunnies that I know nothing about,
Hunter's boner, Ooh, lots of shit,
A tiny Boston Terrier dick and…
Reggie! I got him!
-Yes, Maggie! -Let's move!
Come on, let's go! Thanks, Rolf!
Except for when you fucked us over,
Good luck, soldiers!
And sorry I'm such a fucking asshole!
I should really work on myself,
Oh, thanks for shitting on the carpet!
The fuck are you thinking? Huh?
Oh, you're such a stupid little piece of shit,
Can you just leave me the fuck alone?
Bad dog!
That's what you fucking sound like, you piece of shit,
Okay, one last shit on the carpet, and then I'm out,
Mmm,
Hey, Doug,
Fuck!
It's me, Reggie,
A-And look, I-I know you can't understand what I'm saying right now,
No, no, no, this is not happening,
But I just wanna say how I feel,
I know you didn't like me,
I mean, obviously,
You abandoned me in the street,
But just know that I did everything I could to make you feel loved,
And I thought if I loved you enough, then maybe you would love me back,
But then I met new friends,
I met the sweetest big dog, with just the nicest dick,
The most talented, baddest bitch in the world,
and the tiniest, scrappiest,
funniest best friend I could ever ask for,
Oh, and I met my son too, who's a gnome, and we had sex, but whatever,
The point is, those friends showed me what real love feels like,
And it's nothing like what we had,
Now I know that I wasn't a bad dog,
You were a bad man,
Bad man! Bad man!
Goodbye, Doug,
And fuck you,
Now what do I gotta do to get you the fuck out of my life?
I mean, how do you not get it, man?
I drove you three hours away,
I mean, how could I make it any more clear that I don't care about you?
I don't fucking love you,
Goodbye forever, shitbag,
Well, at least I found someone who loved me,
Pee-FFs forever,
Pee-FFs forever!
The fuck? Who the hell are these dogs?
Jesus Christ, it's like a fucking dog movie in here,
Oh, yeah?
The fuck are you gonna do about it, cone boy?
Oh, shit,
Reggie, are you okay?
Listen, Bug, I-I'm so sorry for what I said, I--
Don't worry about that right now,
Yeah, we've got a dick to rip off,
Get the fuck off me!
Fuck, What the-- Get off me!
Let go! Goddamn it!
Ow! Fuck, my knee! Goddamn it!
Oh, you want some, huh?
Oh, goddamn it!
You little fuckers owe me a microwave,
Eat some foot!
Ah! My foot!
Shitbag!
Oh! Fuck, my back!
- Guys! We should get out of here, - Fuck!
- Reggie! - Got you, you little shit!
Well, look at you, You got yourself some friends?
Let me tell you furry fucks something,
Your little buddy here ruined my life,
Before him, I had a fucking good thing going,
A roof over my head,
checks from my mom, two girlfriends,
Now I have no house, no girlfriends,
and I have to masturbate all day,
All right? This dog turned me into a fucking loser,
Why's he talking so much?
You ever see the end of Marley & Me? Huh?
Yeah, me neither, It's fucking boring,
But I do know that the dog dies in the end,
I'm gonna enjoy squeezing the life out of you…
- Maggie, Hunter get in position, - Got it,
- Copy, - …cause you squeezed the life out of me,
Wait, what's happening?
What are they doing getting in a line like that?
Fuck you!
♪ We clawed, we chained ♪
♪ Our hearts in vain ♪
♪ We jumped, never asking why ♪
♪ We kissed I fell under your spell ♪
♪ A love no one could deny ♪
♪ Don't you ever say… ♪
Bad fucking dog!
You're goddamn right,
♪ I came in like a wrecking ball ♪
♪ I never hit so hard in love ♪
♪ All I wanted was to break your walls ♪
♪ All you ever did was ♪
♪ Wreck me ♪
♪ You wreck me ♪
♪ I put you high up in the sky ♪
♪ And now you're not coming down ♪
♪ It slowly turned You let me burn ♪
♪ And now we're ashes on the ground ♪
♪ Don't you ever say I just walked away ♪
♪ I will always want you ♪
♪ I came in like a wrecking ball ♪
♪ Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung ♪
♪ Left me crashing in a blazing fall ♪
♪ All you ever did was wreck me ♪
♪ Yeah, you, you wreck me ♪
♪ I never meant to start a war ♪
♪ I just wanted you to let me in… ♪
Uh… Yeah, we should probably leave,
Oh, yeah? We gotta go right now? I was kind of enjoying this,
♪ I guess I should've let you win… ♪
Yo, Reg, I gotta be honest with you, I ain't think you was gonna do that shit,
You really committed to that,
More graphic than I was expecting,
That was almost too far,
You one-upped me for sure, I mean, I bit a girl's ankle,
You ripped a man's penis off,
Today is gonna be the best day ever,
How do I know that? Because every day is the best day ever,
Hunter went back to his job at the old human home,
And he didn't even need his cone,
Hey, Cone of Shame! Where's your lampshade?
Actually, Bubsy, I don't need that cone anymore,
just like I don't need any of your shit anymore,
-Fuck you, Bubsy! -Wow,
I had no idea you felt that way, I'm sorry,
I-I'm just gonna go…
fuck your mother!
Fuck outta here!
And he finally found the courage to let Maggie know how he feels about her,
And now they have sex all the time!
Regular style, of course,
Attaboy, Hunter,
Reminds me of when I was young,
You used to fuck dogs?
What?
And Maggie, well, she finally got the owner she deserves,
Maggie's part of the detection squad now,
And she's the best sniffer on the team,
I love the costume you gave her,
-So good, -Uniform, for work,
And Bug's the same old Bug,
with one pretty big exception,
He's changed his stance on people,
Or at least, one very special person,
♪ And I'll show you how to love ♪
♪ To love ♪
Sure, joining a family was a bit of a learning experience for him,
Oh, baby, I love this,
Your cushions are so much tighter than Dolores's,
And what is this fabric, faux suede?
-Hey, -Oh, hey, Kevin,
Come on, buddy, No humping the couch,
Nothing will ever come between us,
Yep, life is pretty damn great,
So we'll see you guys tonight?
-Yes! Scraps night, -You know it! Scraps night!
As for me, I chose to stay a stray,
And I couldn't be happier,
And for any dogs in need, I'll be there to show them the ropes,
Hey, there, I'm Reggie, You got a name?
Oh, hi, I'm-- I'm Shitstain,
No, no, no, That's not your name, Trust me,
Rule number one of being a stray: You want something, you pee on it,
And whatever you pee on is yours,
-Oh, How 'bout this lamppost? -That's mine,
Oh, Okay,
Rule number two: You can pretty much hump whatever you want,
-Cool! -Awesome!
Rule number three is the most important rule, bar none,
You are not alone,
You know, I used to think my place was by Doug's side,
But now I know my place is wherever I want it to be,
And I've never felt more at home,
'Cause I know a guy who lets me crash whenever I want,
-Hey, loser, -Hey, fuck face,
Liam, the cute scruffy dog is back!
Isn't this the life?
Who's a good boy?
You're a good boy,
Such a good boy,
I've learned a lot since Doug,
Sure, there's some bad people in this world,
but even Bug would agree, the good ones are out there,
You just gotta keep your eyes open,
Hey, kids!
- I'll rip your lungs out, - Fuck you, mailman!
These guys have a lot of energy, don't they?
-I'm gonna eat your fucking nut sack, -Get out of here, you evil little shit!
-I'll give you to the count of three… -You stupid fucking evil devil!
…and then I'm gonna jump this fence and skull-fuck you to death!
You're just as bad as your friend in the sky!
- Yeah, yeah, you smart! You smart! - You fuckwad! Go! Go! Go!
Keep walking! Keep walking!
Don't even think about coming back here tomorrow!
Fuck off!
Yeah, bitch, You don't want to get this guy angry,
I may be small, but you have no idea what I'm capable of!
Just ask Doug!
I ripped the guy's cock off!
♪ This is for the Gz And this is for the hustlas ♪
♪ This is for the hustlas Now back to the Gz ♪
♪ This is for the Gz And this is for the hustlas ♪
♪ This is for the hustlas Now back to the Gz ♪
♪ It's 1-9-9-tre So let me just play ♪
♪ It's Snoop Dogg, I'm on the mic ♪
♪ I'm back with Dr, Dre ♪
♪ But this time I'ma hit Yo' ass with a touch ♪
♪ To leave motherfuckers in a daze Fucked up ♪
♪ So sit back, relax New jacks get smacked ♪
♪ It's Snoop Doggy Dogg I'm at the top of the stack ♪
♪ I don't lack for a second And I'm still checkin' ♪
♪ The dopest motherfucker That ya hearin' on the record ♪
♪ It's me, ya see, S-N-double-O-P ♪
♪ D-O-double-G-Y, the D-O-double-G ♪
♪ I'm fly as a falcon Soarin' through the sky ♪
--♪ And I'm high till I dizzie, rizzide ♪
♪ So check it, I get busy I make your head dizzy ♪
♪ I blow up your mouth Like I was Dizzy Gillespie ♪
♪ I'm crazy, you can't phase me ♪
♪ I'm the S, oh, yes, I'm fresh ♪
♪ I don't fuck with the stress ♪
♪ I'm all about the chronic Bionic, ya see ♪
♪ Every single day Chillin' with the D-O-double-G's ♪
♪ P-O-U-N-D, that's my clique, my crew ♪
♪ You fuck with us We gots to fuck you up ♪
♪ I thought you knew, but yet and still ♪
♪ You wanna get real Now it's time to peel, you say chill ♪
♪ And feel the motherfuckin' realism ♪
♪ Snoop Doggy Dogg is on the mic ♪
♪ I'm hittin' hard as steel ♪
♪ This is for the Gz And this is for the hustlas ♪
♪ This is for the hustlas Now back to the Gz ♪
♪ This is for the Gz And this is for the hustlas ♪
♪ This is for the hustlas Now back to the Gz ♪
♪ This is for the Gz And this is for the hustlas ♪
♪ This is for the hustlas Now back to the Gz ♪
♪ This is for the Gz And this is for the hustlas ♪
♪ This is for the hustlas Now back to the Gz ♪
In addition to the multiple facial lacerations
and the severe burn wounds,
we also discovered an alarming amount of fecal bacteria in your system,
which, I would imagine came from the-- the-- the…
-Dog shitting in my mouth? Yeah, -Right, Yeah,
Um… Ba-ba-ba…
Checking the clipboard,
Oh, yeah, We also, uh, couldn't reattach the penis,
Fuck!
♪ Jamie ♪
♪ Jamie Foxx ♪
♪ Will Ferrell ♪
♪ Dirty, dirty dog ♪
♪ I'm a stray ♪
♪ Quit doggin' me! ♪
♪ Quit doggin' me! Dogging me ♪
♪ I'm a stray ♪