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Ah, Alex,
Paul,
So, Are there any rules?
Rules?
Ground rules,
Anything I should know before we start?
Oh,,, not really,
It\'s more or less,,,
It\'s more or less up to you,
Oh, Right, Right, I\'m a customer,
Yeah,
Though in my profession we say that the customer is always wrong,
That\'s a,,, it\'s a therapists\' joke,
So, Do you recognize me?
No,
I\'m sorry, Should I?
Well, I was told you\'re the best,
A man in tune with everything around him,
So, Yes, I guess you should,
Thank you but I do think that in this profession
the best is really a matter of personal opinion,
No, No, No, The best can be established by facts
and figures,
You\'re the best, I did my research,
A couple of former patients
someone else who knew you from graduate school,
Does that pressure you?
Is it important for you to know that I am the best?
Yes, Now, It\'s nothing personal,
I always go to the best:
dentists, Mechanics,
You know what they say:
"Save now, Pay later,"
Hmm,
So what do you think being the best therapist entails?
Do you recognize me?
No, I don\'t,
Ok, Let me help you:
The madrasah murderer,
Does that mean anything to you?
No,
It wasn\'t that long ago,
The U,S, Navy aircraft hit a target on the outskirts of Baghdad,
Naval intelligence identified the structure
as an insurgent safe house, A bunker,
Turns out it\'s a madrasah,
Let me tell you what that is,
It\'s an Islamic religious school,
Boys like bees in a beehive, Studying the Koran,
Sixteen of them, Dead,
Rings a bell?
Yes, I remember that, Yes,
So that\'s me,
I flew that mission,
The madrasah murderer,
So,,, do you surf the net?
Pff,
Well, Somehow,,,
Well, Not really somehow,
Let\'s call a spade a spade, A leak,
Probably another intelligence fuckup,
Anyway, I was identified as the pilot in that mission,
And my photo was placed on fundamentalist websites,
And I\'m not talking outer zero,
I\'m talking websites that are asking for my head on a platter,
Offering up the heavens and forty virgins
to anyone who will slit my throat from ear to ear,
Here,,,
Now, It\'s not a recent photo,
It\'s a photo taken when I was eighteen,
On a high school trip to Europe, Holland,
That city with the miniatures?
Ahhh,,, Ultre? Utrecht,
That\'s right?
Yeah,
So while I\'m sitting here talking to you,
A million fanatics are downloading my portrait
and printing it out as a dartboard,
Silly mohterfuckers,
So, Why have you come to see me?
Wo, Wo, Wo, Wo, We\'ll get to that,
Now, So you\'re probably thinking:
"What\'s it like?"
He flew this mission
and he flew back,
"And he saw the bodies of those children on CNN,"
And you are probably trying to figure out,
"What went through his head?"
Let me tell you:
After that kind of mission, I don\'t watch CNN,
I go to sleep,
I\'m dead tired,
And you\'re probably dying to ask
how I can sleep nights,
Ok, How do you sleep?
I sleep very well, Thank you very much,
Knowing it was mission accomplished,
And with a great precision, Let me tell you,
See, I followed my orders,
Which were: Hit my target and hit it on time,
Time and target,
Do you know we have to hit our targets
within two seconds of the estimated time?
It\'s surgical,
And that\'s,,, it\'s one small window
and I have never missed it,
If I had, If I had failed that task,
I\'d be in trouble with my superiors,
With my conscience,
And with the system,
But I hit my target,
So I sleep like a baby,
How many children died in this mission?
The media puts it at sixteen,
And the air force?
The Navy, Doctor, Listen,
The Navy says nothing, Why should it?
We\'re not in the business of body counting,
We\'re in the business of hitting our targets,
We don\'t look back over our shoulder, Believe me,
We\'re out there doing our thing
so you can sit here in peace talking to people for a living,
Hmm,
So when did you hear that children had been killed?
The following afternoon,
I heard it on the internet,
And what exactly did you hear?
Anything specifically that you remember?
Like what?
Listen, It\'s not like there\'s time in the day to be surfing the net,
This was a moment I got away,
There\'s a lot of stuff to keep me busy,
What kind of stuff?
Mission review, Aerial photos,
Video, Just data, Stuff,
Preparation versus execution,
Every tiny technical aspect of our flight
is recorded and analyzed by the man,
There\'s nowhere to hide,
And that\'s the way it should be,
It\'s just stuff, And more stuff,
It\'s like when my mother died,
My father had a year\'s worth of stuff to deal with,
Last will and testament, Her office, Her garden,
A lifetime of photo albums,,,
And every time I talked to him,
And asked how he was, I was expecting,
You know, That he\'d break down, Finally,
"It never ends, Alex, It never ends,"
Your mother left such a mess,
"She didn\'t know she was going to die,"
I mean, That\'s all he\'d say,
And after less than a year, He met another woman
and got married, Just like that,
So how did that make you feel?
I was surprised,
A whole life together, And not a single tear,
Hmmm,
It\'s interesting that you compare
the death of your mother
with this mission that you\'ve just flown,
That\'s very clever of you,
But there\'s no relation whatsoever,
My mother\'s death was the most traumatic event in my life, So far,
That mission was just another mission for Alex,
There\'s no comparison,
Anyway, Look, That\'s over
and I\'m back now,
I\'m back in my home base
and now I\'m on R and R,
What kind of things do you do for R and R?
Don\'t try and get ahead of me,
I\'m a runner,
I was a hell of a runner in high school
and I\'m still a pretty good one, For an old man,
So I run
with my fairy friend,
It\'s this gay guy who could kick your ass at any sport,
And does he have a name, This friend?
Mmh, Daniel,
Daniel,
We\'ve been running together for a long time,
Between six and ten miles
depending on whether one of us is on his period,
Only this time I challenged him a little,
There\'s no real good running in the Middle East,
Not for the U,S, military,
Unless you want a roadside bomb to blow your balls off,
So I wanted to do some serious running,
So I said: "Let\'s go for fifteen,"
Then after fifteen miles I said "twenty",
Now, He didn\'t want it,
But I said: "Ok, I\'ll go on my own,"
So he followed,
I said: "You know?
Only six more, And it\'s a marathon,
Let\'s do it,"
He wanted to stop,
The little bitch,
But I wasn\'t going to stop,
No stop,
We were out of water, We were on fumes,
At twenty-two miles I had a heart attack and died,
A textbook case, Straight out of med school,
Enlargement of the left ventricle,
In accordance to the family history on both sides, Fatal,
According to the EKG and according to statistics
I had a 97,3% chance of dying,
Or 2,7% chance of living,
Anyway, Dead,
You,,, you actually died?
In the clinical sense, No pulse, No brain activity,
Total clinical death,
But here I am,
Now I\'m going to disappoint you, Doctor,
Don\'t you want to know why I\'m going to disappoint you?
Let me help you out:
The light, The tunnel,
My whole life flashing before my eyes,
That\'s what you are interested in, Right?
No, I wasn\'t,,, I wasn\'t actually thinking of that at all
but I am interested, Please tell me,
Hey, I couldn\'t give a shit about it either,
But that\'s all everyone wanted to know about,
My father, My wife,
Just everyone, Everyone wanted to hear
about the goddam tunnel,
I say it\'s bullshit,
Do you feel that maybe you disappointed people
by not having that experience?
That maybe in some way you failed to deliver the goods?
Nobody really knows what was going through my mind
during those last few moments,
As soon as there was no more tunnel, No one was interested,
And what was going through your mind?
Oh, I knew it was happening, You can tell,
And you\'re afraid it\'s the end,
And all that time, Until I lost consciousness,
All that time, I don\'t know, Maybe seconds,
Maybe half a minute,
All that time I kept trying to figure out if I had a hard-on,
See, I don\'t know how I remembered this,
Something my grandmother told me
when I was in high-school,
And she said when Grandpa died
she found him lying naked in the bathtub
with a huge erection,
Now, He,,, he was ninety-two years old,
She hadn\'t seen an erection like that in twenty years,
She liked it,
She said that was God\'s final gift to a man,
A dead man\'s boner,
They call it angel lust,
Anyways, So I\'m lying there,
And I\'m thinking about that story
and I know what\'s happening to me
and I said to myself: "God Almighty,"
Just don\'t let me have an erection right now,
Not a hard-on,
Because if you had an erection it would mean that,,,
That would mean that I was dead,
Ah,
And your friend Daniel was with you throughout this?
Yeah, Resuscitation, CPR, Yeah,
Daniel\'s a doctor, I forgot to say that,
Oh, For a minute I thought you were going to say something else
that perhaps your fear of an erection was associated
with the presence of your friend Daniel,
Excuse me?
Don\'t you think you\'re exaggerating a little?
Look, I explained something simple,
A dead man\'s erection,
What\'s that got to do with Daniel?
Well, Maybe I didn\'t make myself clear earlier on
when I was talking about the customer always being wrong,
What I meant was that sometimes
the patient hides thing from his therapist
from himself,
And so part of our job is to uncover
the things that we hide,
So my secret is I\'m afraid of homosexuals?
No, Not necessarily, But I just wanted to clarify that,
Yeah, Ok, That\'s neither here nor there,
- I want to get to my point, - Go ahead,
I didn\'t have the erection,
So you can relax,
But I tell you, I remember
very vividly that moment
just before passing out,
Before loosing consciousness,
"Loosing consciousness", That\'s a funny expression,
Why do you think that\'s a funny expression?
Well, "Loosing" consciousness,
It\'s an expression my father would use,
Everything in terms of profits and loss,
Fits him like a glove,
So something about how you described your last moments
is equated with your father\'s seeing things in terms of profit and loss?
Is that,,,
OK, With all due respect, I think we\'ve come to this
way too early, All this stuff about the father-son relationship
I don\'t think it should come up so soon,
Do you think it\'s too soon?
No, Forget what I feel,
I know it\'s too soon,
I want to know what you think,
So you are testing me?
I think I\'m entitled to some testing,
I\'m paying for it,
Actually, Alex, I think you\'ve been testing me
since you walked through the door,
You\'ve asked about me and my reputation,
You ask, You practically demand, That I ask you
certain questions that you think I am dying to ask,
It\'s really important to you, I think,
That I adhere to certain standards that you set
before you walked through the door,
And what\'s wrong with that?
Look, I did my research,
It\'s a one and a half hour drive to get here,
And I\'m paying you good money,
And I\'m expected to tell you, A perfect stranger,
The most intimate things about my life,
Plus, There are risks here,
It\'s not like the Navy
is going to give me a medal
for spilling my guts in here,
I\'m not going to open up to you
just like that, Without knowing what you are,
And what do you expect to find, Alex?
How are we going to know that I\'m a good enough therapist for you?
I\'ll know, According to your opinion,
My opinion of what?
Of the issue I came here to talk about,
But I\'ll come to that in a minute,
It has to do with what happened to me
after taking me out of the freezer,
The freezer,,,
Oh, You mean,
You mean that you were grounded,
No, Literally frozen,
They froze me,
The mobile intensive care unit arrived
and they put me in a suit
that freezes you,
They got one out of Presbyterian
which is no more than three quarters of a mile
from where I collapsed,
And their ER is tops,
Let\'s go back to this,,,
We\'re getting there,
You have no patience!
I was told you were a good listener,
Now look, It works on a very simple principle,
It reduces the shock to the body\'s systems
by dropping the body temperature,
So how long were you,,,
In my case, Forty-eight hours,
It\'s a record, There is no history
of anyone who\'s been in that suit
for such a long period of time,
I guess I went a long way up that tunnel, Eh?
The tunnel that wasn\'t there,
No, Unfortunately not,
So, Tell me what you remember
about these forty-eight hours,
Mostly I remember a terrible fatigue,
Because that\'s why they call it "dead tired",
It\'s physical, But mainly mental,
Exhaustion,
And I remember very clearly
the relief I felt
when I succeeded in coming back over into the world,
You say that you succeeded
in coming back to this world,
Did you feel it was under your control?
What are you trying to get at?
I\'m not trying to get at anything,
But what you\'re describing
is a strong will to live,
I mean, During this experience
there was a decision to go on living,
Yeah, I guess you\'re right,
Yet, Despite having made this effort
to live, Everybody is disappointed,
Yeah, Listen, It\'s not everyday people meet
someone who\'s come back from the dead,
It\'s a one in a million thing,
And if you don\'t supply the goods, Then,,,
I have never spent a day in my life in a hospital,
You get it? Never,
So perhaps your anger isn\'t directed
at those people who were interested in the tunnel,
Perhaps you\'re angry at yourself, Alex,
How your body betrayed you,
I mean this is a systems failure
that was not supposed to happen
to somebody like you,
Hmm,
Listen, I have a brother who\'s not too bright,
He\'s a real-estate agent,
Whatever, Anyway, He\'s a great athlete,
And he once proved to me,
And he does research, Believe me,
That all the great quarterbacks in the history of football
were also the best looking,
Namath, Staubach, Cunningham,
They are all really good-looking people,
See, The best-looking students in the class
are often great athletes,
You know why that is?
I have no idea,
Well, It\'s got nothing to do with sports, Really,
When they got their gift
from God, The Father, Or whatever the hell
doles out the talent,
They got the whole package:
beauty, Talent, Character,
That\'s how it is,
It\'s an evolutionary thing,
So how\'s your football?
Ah, Football\'s not my game,
Running, Of course, Wrestling,
Pole-vault, Once upon a time,
But now I am part of a military elite,
Athletes may be popular
but we are the crème the la crème,
See, What you have to understand
is you\'re talking to a person here
whose whole life was perfect,
People in my line of work
are born to excel, To be perfect,
It wasn\'t our choice,
It was life that chose us to be the best,
And what does that mean
"life chose us"?
Yeah, You don\'t become a fighter pilot
suddenly at age twenty,
At age seven or eight, When you\'re in the third grade
you know you\'re talented,
You know you are headed somewhere special,
You are going to be the best,
And it all lays out, Right in front of you:
Top grades, Varsity letters,
You name it,
See, I\'m a top gun grad,
You understand that?
That training is not for pussies,
So if you don\'t achieve your personal best
are you disappointed in yourself?
No, No! It\'s not,,,
How much longer do we have?
We\'ve got time,
I\'ll tell you when it\'s time,
Ok, So here\'s my point, Finally:
I came here to get your advice on something,
Sure,
I decided to go there, To the target,
You understand what I\'m talking about here?
You mean to the site where you dropped the bomb,
To the school,
Madrasah,
I want to go back there, I want to take a look around,
To the place where the children were killed,
Correct, And, Listen, I know what you\'re thinking,
So let me straighten this out for you:
I don\'t have a guilty conscience, I already told you that,
I sleep well at night, Very well,
But why would you want to go back?
I\'m interested,
From the moment I came out of that freezer
I knew I wanted to go back,
And it came up in a conversation
I had with Daniel when he came to visit me up at the hospital,
He thinks, Who knows, That I\'m going to freak out or something,
He thinks it\'s a crazy thing to do,
And he said I need to see someone first,
Psychologist,,, psychiatrist,
Don\'t you think it\'s dangerous?
Not at all,
No, I don\'t really think anyone would recognize me,
But your picture is on the internet,
No way, You saw the picture,
It\'s totally ridiculous,
My mother wouldn\'t recognize me from that picture,
Not even Michaela,
Who\'s Michaela?
My wife,
And what does she think of all this?
What\'s she got to do with it?
Well, Don\'t you talk things over with your wife?
Listen, You know what? This is not for me,
All this "what do you feel? What do you think?"
I asked you something,
I came to you to consult about something very clear and specific,
So you want me to tell you that this desire of yours
to go back to where the bombing took place
is a good thing?
Ok, Yeah, Yes,
Do you want me to take responsibility for this visit?
Ok, Do me a favor, Don\'t make me into an idiot,
What are you trying to tell me,
I\'m not taking responsibility?
No, No, I\'m just going back to something that you said earlier on,
Remember you said that life chose you
to be a member of an elite?
That it wasn\'t your decision?
Maybe that\'s an attitude you\'re comfortable with,
You\'re comfortable with it
because you don\'t have to make any decision,
It relieves you of responsibility,
Your commanding officer, He makes the decisions,
Conveys them to you,
And you execute them,
Wait, Are you trying to tell me
that I\'m asking you
to be my commanding officer?
Ok, I\'ll buy it,
So, Are you willing to be my CO,
For a hundred and fifty dollars an hour?
I don\'t think I\'m qualified for that,
But would you agree to be your own commanding officer?
Oh, Listen, You know what? Just leave it alone,
I can see I\'m not going to get anything useful out of you,
And you\'re supposed to be the best,
But I\'m not the best, Alex,
Maybe you\'re the best,
But I\'m not,
Think about the ramifications
of what you\'re about to do,
You\'re going back to a place
where you dropped a bomb,
Sixteen children were killed,
Your face is on the internet,
And there\'s a price on your head,
So wait, Wait, Now you\'re saying that you agree
with Daniel that I\'ve gone crazy or something,
Well, How would you feel if I did agree with Daniel?
How hard is a straight answer?
I\'ve got a plane to catch,
Why, Where are you going?
Are you not listening to me?
I am going back there,
Non-stop, DC to Frankfurt,
Then Frankfurt-Amman,
Thursday morning, By charter, To Baghdad,
You\'re leaving tonight?
Good morning, Doctor!
I\'m going back as part of a church group, A charity,
We\'ll be visiting those neighborhoods,
No, No, This is not part of Navy protocol,
Let me ask you something:
When you were running with Daniel,
Was it twenty-two miles?
How long did that take?
I don\'t know, Almost three hours,
Daniel wanted to quit,
He\'s always going on about
your optimum pulse during exercise,
And he thought we shouldn\'t go over eighty-five percent,
You know what I find interesting?
That shortly after you complete this mission,
You go on leave
and, Against the advise of your best friend,
Who also happens to be a medical doctor,
You work yourself up into a state of extreme exertion,
It\'s as if you were avoiding going back to active duty,
No, I have no problem flying again,
In fact, I\'m dying to get back into action,
Aha,
Do you not see a connection between your collapse
and what went before?
Now, I know you say you don\'t have any guilt feelings
but don\'t you think there\'s a strong desire there
to atone for your actions?
Do you have any coffee around here?
I could use a good cup of coffee,
Um,,, our time is up, I\'m afraid,
Come on, I still got a couple of things I want to talk about
I\'m happy to see you again,
You know, I think it\'s important that you keep talking about all this,
Ok, I\'ll keep that in mind,
I better pay you now,
Who knows how this little trip will turn out,
Are you serious about traveling today?
It\'s this way,
I\'ll write you an invoice for the,,,
Don\'t worry about it,
Aren\'t you going to wish me luck?
Yes,
Good luck, Alex,