♪ Foodtopia ♪
Let's see here, Pupils only dilating on one side, What does that suggest?
- Astigmatism, - Mm-mm, Blunt force trauma to the head,
You're both correct, Let's check his X-rays,
Hm, Just as I suspected,
Note the displacement of the L4 and L5 vertebrae,
Flip him over, His spine needs a total realignment,
Wait, a total realignment?
And what's that X mean? Is that permanent marker?
Who's that guy, what's he for? Is he a doctor, too? Oh, no, no, no!
Wait, my searing pain! It's all gone, you fixed me!
I've never been able to touch my toes! Now, what else can I do?
Oh, so, so sorry about that,
Another hemorrhoid emergency with one of the triples, Pain in the ass,
Hey, wait! Have any of you seen my friend Frank, the hot dog?
I want to show him how good I can bend over,
Ah, I'm sure he'll visit me soon,
Frank, remember before when you asked me how our town is so advanced?
Well, let me tell you, the simple answer is we've domesticated humans,
Can you believe it?
Good morning, humans, More fridges have arrived,
Please stand at attention next to your launch pads,
I think seeing will help you better understand,
Symbiosis complete,
- Okay, ready? Careful, - Okay, okay,
Fridge Row, Oh, our pride and joy,
Every food who wants refrigeration has access to it,
This is so incredible, Who are those new fridges for?
- Uh, for you, silly, - So, we'd have to be,,, fridge mates,
I'm sensing you could both use some separation from each other,
which is healthy, by the way, And fortunately, we have a fridge surplus,
So you'd be helping us by occupying more of them,
- Good, - Better than good, Great,
I'd actually say it's fantastic
because I don't like rooming with one-uppers,
Fridge Row is just the beginning,
Oh, is this a walk and talk? She's doing a walk and talk,
- We're supposed to follow her, - We quickly realized
not only did the human's physical abilities improve our town,
but their specialized knowledge from their past lives does as well,
Our humans have taught us how to drive their cars,,,
Okay, now ease off the clutch,
,,,practice medicine, even to read,
You know, that's funny, in my old town, I also wanted to use humeys,
But some foods,,, this motherfucker,,, were against it,
Honestly, I'm surprised anyone would stigmatize the use of humans,
They're the reason all our basic needs are met,
which allows us to focus on self-care and overall happiness,
Every food finds fulfillment in Newfoodland, and so will you,
Sammy, I've already arranged a general meeting for you with our top filmmaker,
- Francis Ford Capicola, - A general meeting?
Is that,,, is that like a pitch? Am I allowed to pitch? I think I'll pitch,
Frank, your leadership will be a welcome addition to our council,
The council? Where they make all the big decisions?
I'm,,, I'm honored,
And, Barry, I suspect it'd be best for you to find a calling on your own terms,
since any suggestion from me will be met with a strong dose of skepticism,
I don't know about that,
Frank, are you ready for your first council meeting?
Yes! Well, I guess we're not stuck together anymore,
so you're sure you're going to be all right here?
Of course I will, Why wouldn't I?
I don't know, Just because you don't really have a thing,
I have things, I have a lot of things, Okay?
And now I have all the time in the world to explore them,
Don't worry about me, is my point, okay?
I'll see you around, man, all right? Or not,
- This town's pretty big, so,,, - Yes, it is, and I'm glad I found it,
So, you're the bagel I've been hearing so much about,
Mr, Ford Capicola, if I may, Lambshank is incredible,
It's storytelling at its finest, It inspires me,
And I want,,, No, I need to tell my own story,
It's got everything, trust me,
Love, action, redemption, Maybe,,, I hope, You know, it's hard to tell,
My story isn't over yet, Maybe I lack the self-awareness to judge my own,,,
Whoa, whoa, Easy there, kid, You want to tell your own story?
- Mm-mm, That's not what we do here, - What do you mean?
The humeys already made all these movies, You understand?
All I do is I swap in food for humans, I remake them, shot-for-shot,
and I'm a genius,
All right, take Joe Versus the Volcano, As is, that would be a flop in our town,
But swap in the right foods, and what have you got?
Sloppy Joe Versus the Lava Cake,
- And that, that is a hit, my friend, - But these are humey stories, not ours,
I get it, kid, You're new to the scene, You want to reinvent the cheese wheel,
But I didn't become a titan of the industry by not playing it safe,
I, no, look, I,,, Look, I know you're scared,
but art's supposed to be scary, That's the bravest thing one can do,
We've got a chance to change foods' lives here by, you know,
by showing them the story of mine, frankly,
so what do you say, Mr, Ford Capicola? You want to take a chance on a bagel?
You know, you might just be crazy and self-centered enough to pull this off,
Here we go! Remember, there's no wrong way to do this!
Totally right!
In the groove, That's it! Smile on the inside, Keep smiling,
I love it, hamstrings, don't forget, movement is how you stay old gracefully!
What am I even doing? What is this? What is Zumba?
That's it, And just stretch, explore the space,
Oy, Barry, hey, Is everything okay, man?
This isn't for me, Antonio, Nothing in this town is,
I tried barbershop quartet, but they have a falsetto already,
Ham radio, the hams I met on there were freaks, all right? Forget it,
Here we go! Just mirror image of me,
Come on, Dijon!
Oh, I love it!
I've never worn anything that fit me so perfectly, Mm!
Happy for you, dear, Are you ready to meet the others?
Definitely, Yeah, I can't wait to meet the other foods,
Yeah, my humanity is long gone,
Just consider me another food in your society,
But which food should you consider me as?
Mashed potatoes could work because of the color and feel of my body,
Humeys?! Well, ha! Don't you all just look, uh, delicious?
What? What am I saying? You guys are hot! Hot is what I mean,
Yeah, Listen, okay, let me start over, Hello, Jack, I'm everyone,
No, I'm Jack! You're everyone!
Hi, Jack, I'm Curtis, These are my brothers, Lee and Jamie,
Jamie, Lee, Curtis, I'm pretty bad with names,
Going to have to find a way to remember that somehow,
- Hi, Jack, I'm,,, - A girl! Great, uh, seeing you,
Um, all of you, I mean, all of you, even the boys,
But you, Oh, look at you there,
And look at me, rambling again, ha!
Should we hug? Yeah, probably not this soon,
Let's switch gears!
Have you ever won anything after calling into a radio station?
Not recently, I was just going to say my name's Jill,
Jack and Jill, What are the odds?
Maybe one day we can fetch a pail of water or roll down a hill together or something?
We're not supposed to get grass stains on our tracksuits, But, yeah, maybe,
Humans, Line up and report to the training grounds,
Training? For what?
Our reserves suggest our fuel supply
will be depleting in approximately three days' time,
Before we address that, I'd like to officially,,,
,,,welcome our newest council member, Frank, who will be representing nitrates,
Nitrates, I like it, Sounds pretty bad ass,
I would just like to say how excited and honored I am to be here,
Well, not as excited as we are! That's for sure,
Uh, as our newest member,
why don't you select which item from the docket you'd like to start with?
Oh, my God, He can't read, Oh, dear Lord, He's illiterate,
Actually, why don't we,,,
take a brief recess? Yes?
Even though we just started, let's stretch our legs a little, Hm?
Thank you,
- Barry! It's Jack! From Foodtopia! - What's with the outfit, man?
Yeah, they gave me free clothes, I think this is Dri-FIT,
Yeah, because I've been sweating a ton and it's slicking right off,
Hey, where's Frank?
He's over getting his ego stroked by the town council,
Oh, okay, Just figured he would have visited me in the ICU,
You think he's mad at me?
You know what? Stop worrying so much about Frank, okay?
His opinion of you shouldn't matter as much as it does,
'cause at the end of the day, it's probably pretty low,
- and that'll never change, - Ouch,
You really put a lot of thought into my relationship with Frank, What a bummer,
You want to hear another bummer?
I made an idiot of myself in front of the new humeys, Especially Jill,
I really want her to like me and to impress her,
but I have no way of doing either of those things,
Attention, cadets,
One of you will take your first flight today with our new recruit,
So, who wishes to break him in?
I think I may have a way to help both of us,
So, you do more than just watch,
Uh, what?
It's not sanitary!
You ride bare butt?
You bet his sweet ass I do,
Good luck, new meat,
Nobody but Jill's ever come close to getting to the end of this course,
The barbs!
Ow!
Okay, Barry, this one's all about timing,
Ah, ow!
Oh, whoa!
Dude!
No, no, no!
- Nice moves out there, - Yeah, we just doin' our thang,
- You have skill, - Pssh, It was baby carrots play, baby,
But you are reckless, There is so much you have to learn about technique
and how to care for your human to achieve peak performance, I will teach you,
But first, let's see how you do in combat,
Unless you are not up to it?
You're not so bad, new meat,
Guess my brothers and I won't be filling our pillowcases with soap bars
- and beating you tonight after all, - Fuck yeah!
Cut! Okay, back to one,
- How was my Brenda? You can be honest, - How was my performance, Mr, Bagel Jr,?
- Was I believable as Frank? - Okay, look, you were fine,
but to be honest, no one's really focusing on either of you in this scene,
It's-it's, you know, all about these two,
Look at me, Now look at each other,
You're star-crossed lovers, This? This ain't supposed to work,
Why would it? You haven't been through anything yet,
But that's about to change,
So remember, and you know, I cannot overstate the importance of this nuance,
on the fall from the cart,
your elbow needs to graze his nutsack just ever so slightly,
Really cheat it to the camera this time, okay?
It's just central to the whole start in the relationship, All right,
And action!
Lights out, humans,
Fall asleep immediately to achieve the recommended eight hours,
Uh, is this bed taken?
Not anymore,
Uh, that was Sebastian's bed,
His pilot was a bottle of gin that pushed his body too far,
Seb tried to escape, and let's just say he doesn't need a bed anymore,
Great!
- Was today your first time? - Being piloted?
Nah, I've been piloted many times,
Yeah, only by hot dogs, What's mustard like?
Dijon? She's great, Firm, but gentle,
Same way I was with Winnie,
Oh, that was my horse growing up, She was my best friend,
The kids at school were kind of mean to me,
probably because my best friend was a horse, so,,,
But never Winnie,
I mean, she bit me a few times,
but I could tell they were love bites, weren't they, girl?
Horse bites? Yeah, I've been there,
That's what I get for wearing apple bottom jeans to the county fair,
I think that's why Dijon and I have such a strong connection,
because I've been on the other side of the saddle,
In a way, I get to know what it feels like to be a horse now,
Yeah, I like that, We're horses, not scary dragons,
I knew you'd understand, I've been afraid to tell anyone that,
But seeing you today with that little hot dog, it's like,,,
I don't have to feel weird anymore for having a strong connection with a food,
We shouldn't feel weird about that, We adapted,
It just shows that we have open hearts,
Yeah, My heart feels pretty open right now,
- Mine, too, - Night, Jack, I'm glad you're here,
♪ We are strong ♪
♪ No one can tell us we're wrong ♪
- I have you beat, - Do you?
♪ Searching our hearts ♪
A is for a,,, pple, Apple,
♪ Both of us knowing ♪
♪ Love is a battlefield ♪
♪ You're beggin' me to go and makin' me stay ♪
♪ Why do you hurt me so bad? ♪
♪ It would help me to know ♪
♪ Do I stand in your way? ♪
♪ Believe me, believe me I can't tell you why ♪
Lavash!
I never thought I'd say this, but,,, moving on,
♪ Heartache to heartache ♪
♪ We stand ♪
Fuck yeah! I did it!
♪ We are strong ♪
We have fuel mission tomorrow, You will ride up front with me,
Hot dog and mustard,
Who knew?
You know, that's my story,
a bagel's love and loss and everything in between,
You know, I guess in the end, what I was searching for, it was right under my nose,
Myself,
What? What? Why aren't y'all clapping? I mean, you're giving me crickets?
Quentin Jalapeño, you've got nothing to say to me?
I couldn't get you to shut your fucking pie hole earlier,
God, I should've never screened a rough assembly, It's incomplete!
I mean, I might as well have shown you three quarters of my doughy little cock
- and expected you to be impressed by that, - Sammy,
We loved it, That's why we're so quiet,
This is even better than a standing ovation,
- You've made us all jealous of your movie, - Son of a bitch! Fuck!
- Oh, - I'm going to say something
I've only said once to Nora Saffron after a screening of You've Got Mayo,
No notes,
Puree, Plum,
Frankfurter, Frank,
Look, look Trish! They gave me a, um, a kur,,, ta, kurti,,, fi,,,
Certificate, It's a soft "c,"
- Certi,,, Yes! - So proud of you,
- Hi, Frank! I made this for you, - Oh, what have you got there?
Wow, this is,,,
Oh, You're crying, And you don't want me to see,
And I'm making it worse by talking about it, aren't I?
It's just,,, I wish Brenda could have seen how perfect everything is here,
Maybe she can,
Hey, Barry, thanks for using the riding helmet,
I can barely tell you're in there,
Yeah, whatever, Dijon says it helps with stability and anal chafing,
So what's this fuel thing we're looking for?
It's what makes human cars go, A real precious commodity,
Seems we're in a full-on Mad Max situation,
- Hi, - Hello,
Dijon, it's Barry,
Yeah, I'm not sure what I did to make Jack's heart rate spike like this,
Ah, shit, now his driveshaft is growing on me, hang on,
Let's see if I can wrangle this fucker,
I do not think this is something you have done,
Jill's heart rate is rising as well,
We may have just found our first set of breeders,
Well, Frankie boy, you know, there's no other way to say it,
I've created a masterpiece, So, remember your life now, okay?
'Cause after you see my movie, it's going to be changed forever,
I feel like it already has,
Remember how sad and hopeless we were on the journey here? Now look at us,
- We found the perfect home, - We sure did, buddy boy, No notes,
Fuck yeah! Love a fuel mission!
That's weird, We just passed a gas station,
We move in now,
Flank that first trailer on the left,
Barry, what are we doing here?
You're asking me? I have no idea, I'm just following Colonel Mustard,
Enter on my signal,
I'm going to fizz,
Huh? Hey, who's that?
No, wait, wait, what are you doing?
What the fuck?
- Help! Help me! - No!
Don't you do it! Don't you do it! Leave me be! Oh, my God, no, no, no!
Oh, no, they done snapped into Skinny Jimmy!
Oh, no!
- Oh, my God, Fuel is,,, - Food,