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Holy Shit!
Dear friends, welcome!
People of Blastetten, on this festive day
I, Horst Wolf, bid you welcome,
But today I do not matter, today is all about you!
Today I say: Tally-ho! Blastetten!
Let's bang the big drum and begin construction
of our splendid luxury resort hotel
right here on Ebersberg-hillside,
The most terrific building project
our picturesque region has ever seen!
Providing jobs, booming tourism, and shitloads of tax revenue!
But it's not only my achievement,
We also owe it to our investor, Mr, Takeshi from Japan!
Now let's welcome on stage
chief architect and good pal, Frank Lamm!
I am here!
Where are you hiding? - I'm in the porta potty!
Horst!
Let's smell him out, shall we?
Frank? Come on out, buddy!
Help!
Taken a cup too much, already?
Help!
What the hell?
Alright, but you won't escape this stage twice, Frank,
So what's today?
Our cornerstone ceremony!
The concrete mixers are running, We will pour the foundation,
But to build something new, the old has to make way,
To create space for our luxury resort
we sadly have to demolish
my family's old mansion,
My dad's house, So sorry,
How to do it, you ask? Dad? How do we tear it down?
With the biggest bang! We will blow it up!
Shit,
At 2 p,m, sharp,
The Japanese like German punctuality, It will be a spectacular firework,
2 p,m,
Shit!
Now enjoy the buffet! We spared no expense,
There's even sushi!
I'm off searching for my pal, Frank,
Mary,
Accept call,
You want me to play Music?
Accept call!
Playing favourite music,
Stop music!
Accept! Call!
This is Frank Lamm's architect office, Please leave a message,
Frank? Please pick up the phone,
Don't leave me hanging like this!
What did you mean,,,
you don't want to have a family right now?
Why am I still doing this? This is full of shit!
Mary, I'm off, Let's talk later,
Can you stay please?
The party already started,
Horst and I have to check the construction site again,
Don't come there, Just stay home,
You make me feel shitty,
PIN false, Attempts: 2
PIN false, Attempts: 1
Phone locked for 1 minute,
Cheers dear friends!
Tally-ho, Blastetten!
In half an hour, we blow it up!
Remember that trivial slander on part of the yellow press
and Ministry for Environment?
Old news! I have resolved the matter,
We came to a peaceful agreement,
Im a great conversationalist, you know?
All's well that ends well,
Me and my family have been living
in harmony with nature ever since,
Rabbits, quails, boars, gotta love 'em!
Horst Wolf appreciates nature!
Tally-ho!
Well, that's a surprise!
It's Frank! It's our achitect,
Let me hand the mic to our dear
investor, Mr, Takeshi, Arigato!
Horst! I’m inside the porta potty!
People are waiting for you, Frank,
Help me, I'm severly injured,
Stuck in a porta potty, at the Ebersberg-hillside,
What? How? We detonate any minute now!
Don't know, Must have fallen, An accident!
I can’t move,
But the phone works? You called the police?
Not yet, My arm, it's - Horst, please
Please help me, Quick,
Got it, I'll handle it, Stay put,
Mary, listen, If this project goes well
then we finally go on holiday?
then I get a bigger project!
But just a few days off -
I know, But it's work first, understand?
I'm right here!
Inside the blue porta potty!
Horst!
Help me!
Get me out! I can’t go much longer!
Bleeding to death in here,
Hey! You there!
Help me!
Help me! Who are you?
What are you doing?
I'm calling the police now,
Not good,
911
This is the Blastetten police, Huber speaking, Howdy!
This is Frank Lamm, I had an accident
I'm stuck inside a porta potty at the
Signal lost
Hello? No, please!
Dear friends, worry not, Horst can explain everything,
Your phones are no longer working,
Because of the blasting operation, Extremely sophisticated stuff,
And we don't want to tamper with the radio technology,
Well anyway, safety first, There's a interfering transmitter,
a signal jammer, in play now,
Unfortunately it prevents any calls, wi-fi and the likes,
Think you can cope with that for a few minutes?
Nothing will stand in our way,
At 2 p,m, sharp - we blast!
2 p,m,!
At least you have an excuse to talk to each other, now,
But not to our architect, That one is still missing,
Guess what, Frank,
Mary, I don't have time for this, Horst is producing new ideas,
And he is sending me flowers, Have a smell,
Quite a lot of blood, Frank,
Its your blood,
Spilled it for this briefcase,
So not worth it,
Combo lock, no chance,
Whose might it be?
Can you manage? No wi-fi and all?
Vote me as mayor next month
and i'll have the best fiber optic cables of all of Bavaria installed,
Means so much for me celebrating this day with you,
Truly remarkable, The end of an era,
Mark this day! The 13th of August,
One - three - zero - eight
Let's have some more sausages!
Speaking of wieners, still no word from our missing architect Frank,
And where is his pretty girlfriend?
She's a beauty,
PAINKILLERS
No signal
Ministry for the Environment
Court order - project Ebersberg resort
Prohibited from demolition blasting
on the 13th August,
All this - illegal!
poses disturbance to wildlife ecosystem
mating season of the Edelweiss owlet
endangered species
Edelweiss owlet
That eco slut wants to shut us down because of a darn fucking bird!
I’ll show her,
It's Dörte Green speaking, Ministry for the Environment
About your scheduled demolition,
Miss Green, Horst will be in touch shortly,
No he wont! Horst Wolf doesnt give a shit about the Edelweiss owlet,
Anyways, our urgent motion is in court,
The judge will surely halt your project,
Let me be crystal clear,
I detonate in close communion with nature!
It'll be just like rolling thunder,
The birdies and the bunnies they wont even notice,
Just like the Ministry for Environment,
We cannot postpone!
Under no circumstances! Understand?
We dont do it today, at 2 p,m,
and start construction tomorrow
the investors will drop out!
I need my cornerstone ceremony!
Otherwise they will blow our deal!
This house - has to go! Do you hear me? It has to go!
Don't worry, Horst, It's all according to plan,
Right,
By the way, This Miss Green, From the ministry, She here?
No,
Well, I better call her then,
No! Don't!
Our urgent motion is in court, Your construction will be halted,
The investors will drop out! We cannot postpone!
2 P,M, Today!
ECO_SLUT,MP4
Miss Green, your statement?
Well, Horst Wolf will have to respect
nature and the protection of species,
Tally-ho, Blastetten! What a joke!
He needs to shoot stuff? Fine,
But he won't shoot the Edelweiss owle
Nor will he blow up its habitat,
Ministry and judge agree on that,
Horst Wolf would sure love to have a quiet mating season for himself,
Though his rifle seems jammed,
Good hunting,
Shit,
Miss Green!
Can you hear me?
Are you conscious?
Thats the danger signal, folks,
The explosives are now live,
Spoil yourselves! Chin-chin! Here's to being alive!
I am sure Frank is tearing himself apart to be with us soon,
Well, he's got 16 minutes left,
Sixteen minutes,
That's plenty of time,
What will you do with your time?
Frank Lamm - world's greatest architect,
What are you drawing?
Is that you?
That's some ugly-ass sketch,
Makes no sense,
Don't forget to sketch Horst,
He knows I’m in here,
Life aint no bed of roses, Frank,
Come on,
He doesn't see me,
Miss Green, can you hear me? Dörte!
Don’t worry! I’ll get us out of here!
Hang on!
Enjoying the show? Of course you are,
How about we build a little private runway for Blastetten?
The pilot's a good friend of mine,
Louie! Up there! Loop the loop!
Dörte! Have no fear! No fear,
On that note - let me introduce another very good friend,
Bob - the demolition expert!
The most Bavarian blaster there is!
He even has a residency permit,
Bob, please,
Don't worry Bob, Nobody in Bavaria can speak proper German anyways,
Tell us what awaits in 13 minutes,
Tell us about the explosives,
How to level my dad's old mansion?
Fire,
Never been more sure about anything,
Lets light it up!
Give it up for Bob! The pirate from Jamaica!
Rest assured, this mansion is old and fragile, It has to go, Right, Dad
Yes, Dad, I know you love it at that retirement home,
And luckily for you - Horst is wearing the pants now!
That's lit!
Dörte! I made a fire!
Someone has to notice this!
Just great,
Can you feel it?
What now?
Frank, let's melt away together,
A penny for your thoughts,
Boy, oh boy, Your girl - she's a keeper,
Shut up!
Horst is such a flirt, Would you mind - me and him?
She needs to get laid,
Frank! Give it to me!
Work comes first!
Many apologies for Frank's absence,
He seems to be stuck somewhere
and won't make it in 10 minutes, Pity
Hello, you,
Stay right there, bunny,
Stay,
I need your help,
Yes, Delicious carrot,
Hop-hop, Bite through that cable,
No, Stay with me!
Yummy sandwich!
Alright, okay,
You wouldn't get out in 10 days
with shitty ideas like this,
Keep it rolling,
Exceptional!
Keep going,
Damn!
More than anyone could ask for,
Fresh air at last,
You little shit!
Dear friends! A solid five minutes left,
Bob's on the trigger,
Final checkup, The radio link is established,
Radio link established,
I can do that again,
You missed,
Again,
Let's take a moment to pause, reflect and look within,
Mr, Takeshi, Takeshi-sama, May I present you - Suki!
Performing the national anthem of Japan,
Dörte! Bullseye! We are saved!
Thank you, Suki, One last minute now,
All good with the explosives, Bob?
Alright Bob, this should trigger an error message,
Thumbs up from Bob,
According to plan,
The fuck?
Let's hear it! Countdown-time!
I'm inconsolable, Bob needs to examine one of the radio transmitters
Routine check, happens all the time,
Mr, Takeshi, I am deeply sorry,
A one and only delay, Don't worry,
Down here! In the porta potty!
Im stuck, Please get me out! Quick!
Bring the plasma torch! The hacksaw!
And an ambulance,
And the police,
Thanks, buddy,
Please hurry,
No one will believe this,
Folks! Can you believe it?
We forgot a porta potty at the site!
Who needs to take a leak?
I am here too, dumbass! And Dörte is tied up,
Dörte? Can you hear me?
Help is underway! We are going home!
Beat it!
Please hurry!
Horst!
Frank? Jesus! What happened?
What took you so long?
Must have misunderstood, Sorry, All this commotion, How are you?
Over there lies Miss Green, She's tied up, Maybe dead,
Yes, Can do, Wait here,
Bob? Are you okay?
The helicopter will be here any minute,
What? Horst!
The woman, She is tied up, Can you tell if she is okay?
Don't know,
Give that to me!
Don't be so fucking stupid!
Stop it!
Hand it over!
Fuck off! Leave him alone!
Call the ambulance! Now!
Right now!
Ouch! You crushed my pinkie,
Give me that!
Come back!
Stop this!
We are severely injured,
You can't just leave us here!
The police and Mary are searching for me as we speak,
Mary? She is safe with me,
I told you we need to detonate today! Nothing will stand in my way,
Should've seen my Dad, The way he looked at me,
I can accomplish greatness!
Horst, please calm down!
Me and Bob and Dörte, we are badly wounded,
It was just an accident, Everythings gonna be okay,
Now please call an ambulance and the police so we can get-
Don't you get it, Frank?
I will flatten this nightmare of a house,
This cannot wait one day more!
Mr, Takeshi won’t break off the deal because of one day,
I need a hospital, Please,
This belongs in here, right?
Cheerio, Frank!
And by the way - I don't get what she sees in you,
Horst come back! You can’t do this to us!
Look at me,
I know,
Phew! Now don't worry, folks, It's all under control, naturally,
Let us all look forward to a timely demolition at 2:30 p,m,
Thats in 22 minutes, precisely,
He can't be serious,
But I have a treat to offer right now
A little sample, a taster so to say,
Eventually Bob did allow me to trigger the dynamite myself,
Look! There! Behind the eastern wall,
There'll be an explosion, Small but fun!
Takeshi, come here,
Bob! Can you see the transmitter?
We count down in Japanese,
He's going to kill us!
The nearest dynamite? Where?
Zero!
Mary?
I missed you,
I missed you too,
I missed you so much,
Horst, I missed you so much,
Can't say no to that, can I?
Why have you neglected her, Frank?
Watch and learn, Frank,
I take you for my wife,
I want to spend my life with you,
And we will have lots of little Horsties,
Cheers!
No signal,
I'm so sorry,
Make a wish,
I love you,
I love you too,
RECORDING
Dearest Mary, when you hear this message, I'm probably dead,
Sorry I left in a quarrel this morning,
Didn't mean treat you unfairly, I never wanted that,
Please forgive me for neglecting you over this shitty project,
Now I have to pay the price,
Horst murdered Miss Green from the Ministry for Environment,
Threw her down the eastern wall, He was prohibited to detonate,
This god-forsaken project was rigged from the start, And me?
Wrong place, wrong time, So he disposed of me too,
Hate this oompah oompah music!
Splendid! Im surrounded by all my friends, handsome women,
Mr, Takeshi is happy, Dad's not, I am having a blast!
The porta potty is located at grid square 14, Below the cement footing,
Orientation, 24 degrees north, maybe 25,
2,4 meters in length, 1,25 meters wide
A fucking blue porta potty,
Thank you for the time you spent with me,
Don't forget about me,
Forever yours, Frank,
Frank? Are you here? We need to talk,
Mary!
Where are you? I saw your car,
Don't scream into the microphone,
Apparently someone needs to talk,
Frank, I need to tell you something,
Please hand over the mic, Mary,
I'm pregnant,
What?
Good job, Frank! Congratulations!
Come dance with me Mary,
Leave her alone!
Horst, don't touch me!
Leave her alone! Don't touch her!
Don't! Touch! Her!
Can't say I didn't try,
Rad!
You masochistic or something?
But you won't get out,
Open!
My dear friends,
the moment we all have been waiting for, A mere 100 seconds left,
Main wire runs along-
Holy shit!
One more minute,
Good riddance!
30 seconds!
Main wire
All together now!
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
ZERO!
Only a matter of seconds,
Bear with me for a moment,
Bob showed me how it all works,
Little Horst can do it, Just a sec,
Don't you look at me like this, Dad,
It's probably the signal jammer,
Let's switch that one off for good,
No signal,
Connected,
This is the Blastetten police, Huber speaking, Howdy!
This is Frank Lamm speaking,
I am badly injured, stuck inside a porta potty at the Ebersberg-hillside
Horst Wolf murdered my co-worker,
He also killed Miss Green from the Ministry for Environment,
Aha, listen to this! Now why don't you take a deep breath and-
It's a matter of life and death! Ebersberg site, Frank Lamm!
Horst Wolf is a murderer, I have all the evidence,
But it will soon be blown to bits! So get the fuck out here!
My gosh! You are talking about Horst?
He has gone completely insane,
Hold your horses! Murder? And there's evidence?
Plenty! And explosives! Hurry!
Got it, We are en route,
Well thank you,
Please excuse me, dear investors, Mr, Takeshi, Are you leaving already?
Back to the hotel? Of course, See you at dinner then, yes?
You love to see little Horst fail, Do you not, Dad?
I'll blow your house to kingdom come,
Look who’s calling, Frank! Better late than never!
Coward asshole,
Your demolition running smoothly?
Maybe Bob can help you? Spineless motherfucker!
Are you behind all this Frank? You really want to sabotage me?
Forget about your stupid hotel,
The police are on their way,
Police?
They will lock you up when I hand them the evidence,
Your Dad can come visit you in jail,
He should take back over the family business,
You obviously can't manage,
I'll stick you like a pig, Frank,
You were in way over your head - Little Horst,
Miserable scumbag, you dickweasel, you-
Frank?
Mary,
Where are you?
I'm so glad to hear you,
What's the matter Frank? Are you hiding from me?
Whats that?
I'm sorry I've been treating you so shitty lately, neglecting you,
Please just tell me what happened-
Will you marry me?
Yes!
Took your time with that one,
Mary, I have been in an accident,
What? Are you okay? Where are you?
Don't worry, The ambulance is on its way,
Frank, just tell me where-
The police just arrived, Has this to do with you?
Now they can put the psycho in jail,
Arrest who? What do you mean?
Mary, they are digging me up now,
Dig you up? Talk to me, Frank!
Thank God,
I'll have to shower before the wedding,
Sure! Anything!
I love you!
Love you too,
Both of you,
Thank you! Finally,
You maggot! I'll squash you!
I'll make sushi out of you!
Horst!
It's the police! It's Huber!
Stop this and get out! Please!
All right, Huber!
Mary,
Can you hear me? Frank?
We are not done yet,
See you in jail,
Horst, excuse the shooting but
could somebody please explain what exactly is going on here?
All good, Huber, Don't worry, You can lower your guns,
To hell I won't!
There is a body lying about,
Sheesh!
Horst murdered him,
Word?
It was an accident!
Murder!
Holy moly!
Holy shit! How are you?
A-Ok,
Better check up on Miss Green, Maybe she is alive,
Horst tied her up, Threw her down the wall,
Horst, I must take you into custody,
That won't be necessary, will it?
Think about who got you this job,
That was your lovely Dad,
He is a murderer! Arrest him!
Nonsense, Huber!
Mary? Is she alive?
She is breathing,
One more witness,
What are you waiting for?
Sorry Horst, turn around! Hands up!
What the fuck Huber? I'm almost your mayor!
I could use some help!
Don't put your pension on the line
because of a trifle like this,
Horst! Things will fall into place,
Target locked!
Stand down! The situation is under control!
Freeze!
How it will fall into place, Huber,
Please don't! Mary!
Squealing like a pig,
Get your ass over here!
You're a sick man,
We would've made a happy couple,
Still can,
You know, Horst doesn't hold grudges-
I won't leave you ever again,
Are you serious about the wedding?
Sure,
I don't want to be without you,
Happily ever after? Tally-ho!
NO! Horst! Wake up!
There is no way you can cover this up,
No matter how much concrete you pour over this mess,
What mess, Frank? It wasnt me,
Look around!
You were blackmailing me, Yes! And poor Bob as well,
Me I tried to save you, Frank,
But despite everything I did
you still tried to kill me,
Wimp!
It doesn't make sense!
But it does!
Don't you see, Frank?
In your fucked up logic, it is totally reasonable,
And you shot Huber in cold blood,
Total wackjob!
You just couldn't get enough,
Your position, the project, it simply wasn't enough,
Some people are just insatiable,
I was so wrong about you, Frank,
Yes, Makes sense,
Help! Anyone there? You hear me? This is Horst Wolf - mayor-to-be,
Frank, the architect, he's nuts,
He's on a rampage! He's taken hostages!
But don't worry, I will save them,
Horst Wolf to the rescue! Tally-ho!
United in death,
Dörte!
The Edelweiss owlet,
That dang eco slut!
The day has yet to come
when buildings yield to birds,
Don't!
Let's finish this,
Not good,
No more surprises,
It's Louie! He's doing the loop!
Vote Horst! Vote Horst!
Sayonara,
Holy Shit!
Are you okay?
I'm fine,
Frank?
Yes?
You stink,