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-[indistinct female voice] -[radio chatter]
[female newscaster] Have you heard this crazy story?
[male newscaster] Up next,
APR is under fire today--
-[male newscaster 1] APR is-- -[male newscaster 2] APR--
[male newscaster 3] APR is under fire today
for a recent interview that went disturbingly south,
[male newscaster 4] ,,,disturbingly south,
[deep music]
[Allen] Hey, Mark,
Long time no see,
Hi Allen,
[Allen] How's newfound fame been for you?
You know, I was just talking to my producer, Kim, here
about how your episode
was our most downloaded to date,
Oh, yeah,,, it--
Things have been strange, I guess,
Cool, man, Hey, hold on a second,
And we will start this live stream shortly,
Okay,
Hey, does he seem off to you?
-What do you mean? -[Kim] I don't know,
He just seems weirder from the last time we interviewed him,
Show's called U,S, Sane,Kim,
everyone we interview is a little off,
Remember, that's the point,
[podcast announcer] This is U,S, Sane,
Hello, all you crazies out there,
Allen here,
This is a special live edition of U,S, Sane,
We're steering away from our normal podcast format
to bring you this special live update episode,
You all remember my friend, Mark
from our Halloween episode titled, "Follower,"
Please stop now if you haven't checked it out yet,
it's definitely our spookiest episode to date,
Yeah,
[Allen] So, Mark,
you emailed us stating you have an update to your story?
I do, Allen,
First, briefly remind our listeners about your story,
Well, [grunting softly]
Allen, I,,,
A few years ago,
I started noticing this
shadowy figure that followed me around,
Yeah, yeah, and I-- I think what we all found
the creepiest about it, about the whole thing,
is that this so-called follower
actually appeared in some of your photos,
I-- You know, I think I actually have one,
[Mark] I really want to, uh,
I really want to thank you for all of your help,
Ever since you interviewed me,,,
I've received countless emails from people,,,
[exhales heavily]
,,,just giving me their theories and,,,
just comforting me with kind words of encouragement,
That's great, That's great to hear, Mark,
So, you have an update for us?
Yeah, I do, Allen,[laughs]
A week ago, I,,,
actually,,, [nervous laugh]
,,,finally found this follower,
and I-- I currently have him trapped in my basement,
Excuse me, what?
Would you like to see him?
Uh, hold on a second, Mark, You did what?
Here, here, just-- Let me show you,
[deep music]
[deep music continues]
[female voice] Mark? Hello?
-Can anybody hear me? -Uh, Mark? Mark, Mark!
-Let's uh-- -[female voice] Mark!
[Allen] Let's--
[Mark] I finally confronted him,
Like they told me to,
-Who-- Who told you? -[woman shouting indistinctly]
[Mark] Our fans,
[woman shouting] Can anybody hear me?
I need you to listen to me, Mark,
Everything's going to be okay,
Whoever you have
is not,,,
the follower,
[woman] We can help you,
I'm just done,
[woman] Hello? Mark?
Mark, why are you doing this?
Mark, please let me out,
[breathes heavily]
I finally got what I wanted,
Listen, Mark--
I've already called the police on myself,
I-- I know,,,
[whimpering] I--
I know that--
I have to be the one to stop this,
-[woman continuing to cry out] -[Allen] Mark,
Please stop,
Don't-- Uh, don't do anything stupid!
This story needs the ending it deserves,
-[Allen] Mark! -[officer] Police, open up!
Stop this!
-[officer] Come out, now! -[Allen] Mark?
Come back,
-Come back, -[officer] Open up!
[Allen] Stop this,
Mark?
Shit!
[officer] He's got a gun!
-[Allen] Come back, come back, -[officer] Put the gun down,
-[Allen] Mark, Mark, stop this, -[officer] Put the gun down,
[Allen] Hello, everyone, and welcome back
to U,S, Sane, on American Public Radio,
the show where we interview,,,
strange people doing grand things,
I'm your host, Allen Wolfe,
Everyone who works with me
knows I keep a box in my office,,,
full of letters from potential guests
asking if they can be on the show,
Usually, I get about a hundred a week,
I get a-- I get an email,
I print it out, and I put it in the box,
Mark's letter sat in that box for,,,
months before I decided to interview him,
I never should have interviewed Mark the first time,
let alone a second,
I ignored my gut telling me not to
for the sake of entertainment,
I failed you, listeners,
How bad is this?
I mean, how much should I expect to get sued for?
Did you even mean anything that you said earlier
about failing the listeners?
Mr, Franklin would like to see you,
[female newscaster] In an effort to distance themselves
fromU,S, Sane's reckless interview style,
APR has already parted ways with Allen Wolfe,
[female newscaster 2] American Public Radio
released a statement saying, quote,
"As we continue with our internal investigation
regarding Mr, Wolfe's reckless actions,
our thoughts and prayers
go out to Mr, Bowers' family,
Here at APR, no one's life should ever be put
in harm's way for an interview,
[female newscaster 1] Police are still investigating
how exactly this event transpired,
[male newscaster 1] Bowers could be seen
on the livestream talking about having someone
locked in his basement,
[male newscaster 2] At first, some thought this was a hoax,
[female newscaster 1] However, it quickly became clear
that this was real,
[emotional music]
♪
[sighs]
[suspenseful music]
[crickets chirping]
[Kim] Is everything okay?
Oh, yeah, As good as things can be,
Do you want to,,, talk about it?
[Allen sobbing]
Aw, it's okay,
-It's okay, -[Allen sobbing]
-[sobbing continuing] -Oh, Jesus,
I guess that's one place you can keep your awards,
I may move them to the shallow end,
Who knows?
-Thought you might want this, -I don't, thanks,
I don't want anything to do with this,
Okay,
You're going to make it to the end of this,
It isn't going to be a smooth ride,
but you will, and when you do,
you're going to need a redeeming story,
And maybe, just maybe, your redemption
is in that box,
Okay, we have a P,O, box,
[Allen] Ooh,
Mine is from some lady, named Josie,
Claims her birdfeeder is haunted by--
Oh, my God, Allen,
Listen to this,
"Dear Mr, Wolfe,
My name is Don Thomas,
Before my wife Jean died,
she would listen to your program every week,
She was a huge fan,
[Kim exhaling]
I, on the other hand, find you annoying,"
Great, That's great, Kim, trash it,
"With that said,
I think I have something living in the woods
near my house that might pique your interest,
What I'm asking you to help me with is dangerous,
So I've attached a check for $25,000--
Holy shit,
There it is, Okay,
[chuckling]
"In the woods near my house lives a beast
with a thousand eyes,
If you meet me at my P,O, Box,
I will take you to the beast and kill it,
A hell of a story awaits for you if you accept my offer,
I'll sign the check if you accept it,
-Are you in? -[Allen scoffs]
Jean would have wanted this,
P,S,
I'll be at the post office in Hobart, Oklahoma
every Wednesday,
If you show up, I'll pick you up,
I have no phone, so it has to be this way,
I can't promise you that I won't have killed the beast
by the time you answer either,"
Signed, D,T,
[scoffs]
What do you think?
First of all, a monster sounds like
fairy tale fantasy bullshit,
You're not seeing the real story here,
Which is?
That you would be interviewing
a recently widowed man
who's making his dead wife's dying wish a reality,
which is to hang out with Allen Wolfe,
-[laughs] -Her favorite host,
The recently fired, internationally acclaimed
podcast host, all while monster hunting!
When you say it like that, it sounds decently poetic,
Listen, it's your call,
You can also just sit here and do nothing,
Perfect chance to have a kick ass comeback story,
APR'll be begging to have you back,
Okay,
-Okay, -Really?
Yeah, it's the perfect way to get my mind off
a potential lawsuit with APR,
[Allen scoffing] Hobart, Oklahoma?
Here we come,
[Kim chuckling]
[laughs]
[ambient music]
[ambient music continues]
♪
As I sit here,,,
waiting to see if this Don Thomas does show,
or even exist I question,,,
"What am I doing here?"
[ambient music]
[exhaling]
[trilling lips]
[deep breathing]
Yes, his letter said to be at this
post office on Wednesday,
And yes, it is in fact, Wednesday,
However,
as I sit here, it hits me,
Just how naiïve am I to believe that--
-Yes? -Check,
Check what?
It's-- it's fine, I-- I don't actually--
Follow me in my green truck,
What green truck?
-[Kim] How'd it go? -Hey, so I met our guy,
[Kim] Awesome, How is he?
He's not the friendliest,
[Kim through static] I'm sorry, What?
You're breaking up a little bit,
-He's not the friendliest, -[Kim] Wha--
In fact, if I end up disappearing,
well, it was probably him,
[Kim] Allen, I can't hear anything,
[line beeping]
Cool, Into no man's land,
[indicator ticking]
Everything good?
Grab your stuff,
This is where you come with me,
Your car'll be fine parked here,
Where are we?
Here, put this blindfold on
and get in the back of my truck,
What?
I can't let you see where I live,
I-- I'm going to need more information than that,
I don't owe you anything,
I didn't force you to come here,
I offered you my story and you accepted,
Now you're here,
You'll do as I say,
No, [scoffs]
I'm sorry, I'm not going with you blindfolded,
You're wasting my time!
Wait,
Look, I don't like you,
I hate your show,
I find you,,,
smug, and I don't believe
any of that empathy you shit out on the air,
Other people do, but I don't,
I see right through your act,
My act?
You're an entertainer, and that's it,
All you care about is telling stories
and getting more people to listen to you,
Forget this,
I didn't drive to the middle of nowhere to get attacked,
Yeah, good! Leave!
My story's too good for you anyway,
Okay,
You really think you have me figured out?
Let me explain this so you can understand,
'Course I do what I do for views,
I would be a legit crazy person if I made a show
no one wanted to listen to,
You think I got where I am
by not caring about my listeners?
I have my show because I care about--
Had,
Excuse me?
You had your show,
Last I saw, you don't anymore,
So, yeah, I don't like you,
but my wife really did,
Because of that, and only that,
I think it's fitting that you be the one to tell my story,
So I am not here to be your friend
or to hold your hand,
If I can get my wife's favorite show back,
that's what I'm going to do,
And I believe that my story can do that,
It's up to you,
[Don grunts]
[suspenseful music]
[suspenseful music continues]
I'm currently in the back of this truck,
Blindfolded,
Not a clue where I'm going,
♪
Anything for a good story, right?
♪
Ah, I just hope I haven't made a mistake,
♪
[Don] Okay,
Why do you have a P,O, Box if you have a mailbox?
Why would I want people to know where I live?
Grab your shit and follow me,
I'll show you where you'll be sleeping,
To your left,
Make yourself comfortable,
Here's a towel,
Cool,
I know it ain't much,,,
but it'll do,
Let me know when you get settled,
I'll show you around,
You hungry?
I'm good,
Thought you said in your letter you don't have a phone,
I don't,
That one's hooked directly to the shed,
Jean used to use it to let me know
when supper was ready,
I'm just going to point out the elephant in the room,
Why is this house empty?
I decided to downsize after Jean died,
I don't like clutter,
I mean, there has to be a limit to--
-You like the Twilight Zone? -Like the show?
My uncle was a set decorator on the Twilight Zone,
He gave me this when I was much younger,
It was prop in a famous episode,
What episode?
Does that matter?
I just thought it was interesting,
Cool,
Let's get going, shall we?
Ah, don't touch that switch,
You got it?
Okay,
[sighs]
[Don] Two things we need to get straight,
First, no cell phones,
Why?
I don't want you knowing my location, that's why,
I don't get service out here,
[grumbles]
This is stupid, I couldn't get maps out--
-The quicker that you-- -Fine,
I'll give it back to you before you leave,
I assume you planned on giving it back,
The second thing you need to know
is that this entire place,,,
is boobytrapped,
So, now you got the basics,
Hold on, boobytrapped?
Like, homemade bombs and shit?
Some of 'em, yes,
Are you telling me this--
this place contains
random things that could kill me?
How is that the second most important thing to tell me?
Just don't flip that switch inside,
and you'll be fine,
Keep in mind that if it is red,
you could be dead,
Just stay with me,
You'll be fine, Oh, and here,
If the shit hits the fan,
I wrote up a set of guidelines
for you to follow,
-Follow? -Yeah,
So, you don't get blown up and shit,
D-- don't worry about it,
I'll show you where most of them are,
The ones I remember anyway,
There are ones you forgot about?
Ugh, damn stray cats keep knocking my shit over,
[Don grumbling]
[chime sounding]
This is where I build all my traps,
Can you elaborate on the traps?
Elaborate how?
I don't know, Why are there traps?
There's a giant beast that lives in the woods,
My plan is to lure it to my house,
trap it and kill it,
[Don grunting]
Is this a trap?
No, Why would you think that?
I don't know, I mean-- It looks--
What is wrong with you?
[Don mumbling absentmindedly]
[mysterious music]
You know,
for a guy who doesn't like clutter,
this place says differently,
One thing you'll find out about me, Allen,
everything I have around me at any particular moment
is there for a very specific purpose,
[sparks crackling]
So, Don,
you promised in your letter
I was going to see
the monster you were hunting,
Well, yeah,,,
I ain't no artist,
But I sketched this,,,
the last time I saw
Eye,
-Eye? -That's what I call her,
[sighs]
I remember the first time I saw her,
She was,,,
beautiful,,,
in some way I,,,
can't really describe,
[screaming]
I can't wait to kill her,
Man,
I think it's funny you wrote your letter to me
on a greeting card,
Why is that funny?
You're an interesting guy, Don, but,,,
[coughs]
,,,I don't take you for the greeting card type,
They were Jean's,
She had a bunch of 'em left over,
She was the kind of person that cared
when nobody else did,
I'm just trying to get rid of them,
Huh,
Everybody needs a plan B,
That thing doesn't look like it's been fired in years,
Trust me,
She's old,
but she'll still get the job done,
Oh, hey, before I forget,
[Don grunting]
What is it?
No, no, What is it?
It's bait,
It's got a bell on the other end,
There's two kinds of people in this world, Allen,
Those that wait and those that can't anymore,
[Don grunting]
This beast took my cattle,
I am done waiting on this fucker,
Monster took my livestock,
cancer took my wife,
[grunting]
You do the math,
I've got nothing left to lose,
-[Don grunts] -What is that?
It is time to do some monster huntin',
Monster hunting?
What does that entail?
This thing starts beeping,
you just follow me?
Follow you?
What would you be doing if that starts beeping?
Running like hell back to the house,
So I saw you had a horse,
Do you ride?
My family had horses in Agoura Hills growing up,
Horse ain't mine,
It just showed up one day and wouldn't leave,
I decided to build a fence around it
so it wouldn't get hit by a car or truck,
I don't give two shits about that horse,
Gotcha,
So what's the plan here, Don?
-'Cause right now-- -You know what, Allen?
You talk too much,
Let's try not for a while,
You do realize I'm interviewing you for a podcast, right?
I don't care how you choose to tell the story,
[birds chirping]
[crickets chirping]
[grunts]
No luck today,
I'm going to bed,
What?
[Don grunts]
[Allen sighing]
I'm here now,,,
on the farm,
Alone,
Don--
Don called it a day and,,,
he's asleep now,
He's very--
There's something about him, I can't--
I can't tell if he's lying,,,
to me, he's lying to himself,
if he believes all of this,
It's so weird,
It's creepy in here,
All the walls are empty,
He claims it's boobytrapped,
[sighing] Well,
there's not really anything more to do here,
So,,,
calling it a night,
Day one on the farm,
[TV characters] Mildred, dear,
You're not well,
Now, take your medicine like Dr, Hellinger prescribed,
Oh, Nick,
You talk and you talk,
but you're just like the rest of them,
I don't have to listen to you, Mick,
You know why?
'Cause you're a-- you're a--
well, you're a moth!
[screaming]
[announcer] Stay where you are,
You're watching Mildred Moss,
Only on--
[crickets chirping]
[exhaling]
-[crickets chirping] -[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Hey,
♪
[mysterious music]
Don?
♪
Don?
[crickets chirping]
♪
[suspenseful music]
[birds chirping]
[groaning]
[yawning]
[mysterious music]
Morning, Don,
The horse is gone,
[Don] Yeah, I saw,
Well, I guess it's good you didn't get attached, huh?
Hey, is there any--
[emotional music]
Today's going to be the day, Allen,
I can feel it,
♪
[Allen] As I sit here,,,
in silence,
I look at Don,,,
and I wonder,,,
what led him to this point?
Is the monster even real?
Or is Don lying?
Is this just one big joke?
Even if the monster showed up now,,,
Don is sound asleep,
He almost looks dead,
Don?
-Don? -I need to shit!
[Allen] I'm not sure how much time has passed,
Don has disappeared,
I'm sitting--
No, that's stupid,
[sighs]
By the Woods,
Take eight,
I'm not sure how much time has passed,
Don has disappeared,
I'm sitting here,
Not knowing what to do,
Still, no Eye,
[suspenseful music]
Don?
Don, your box is beeping,
[suspenseful music]
Nope, [exhaling]
Don?
[suspenseful music continues]
[flatly] Don?
Don?
♪
Don?
[Don exclaiming]
What?
[Don wheezing]
What?
We got visitors, Allen,
I think they're here for Eye,
I ran off somebody in a hazmat suit
and he dropped his walkie-talkie,
What?
I think this is bigger than we thought!
How big are we talking?
Oh, we're talking big,
[man] We've captured the last of 'em,
Is it all clear to leave, over,
[woman] Uh,
we have a problem over here,
I just ran into Berret, and he is saying,
here, let me-- let me hand my walkie over to Berret,
he clearly doesn't have his, just a second, okay?
[Berret] Uh, hey there, We have a problem, over,
[man] What's the problem, over?
[Berret] I was trying to retrieve the tracking device
for number H78 and I ran into, uh--
A crazy man with his pants down began chasing me,
[man] I'm sorry, Come again, over,
[Berret] A man with his pants down,
He came out of nowhere and began chasing me,
I think he knows about H78, over,
[woman] I was scouting
and I saw a house not too far away,
Maybe it belongs to him, over?
[man] Get back to the trailer,
We'll investigate, over,
-[Don] Shit! -[woman] Copy that, over,
[both panting]
[suspenseful music]
[both panting]
[gears squealing]
[Allen panting]
Don?
[Allen panting]
Don, what's going on?
[Don] Gimme a second, Allen!
♪
Don, should I be doing something?
[Don grunts]
[Allen panting]
Damn it, Don, What the hell is going on?
[Don] This, Allen, is what you paid
your admission to see,
So stop your bitchin'!
Uh,,,
Everything's all set, Look here,
I've got every trap from here to Timbuktu on
and ready to fire,
They're all sensor activated,
but I can also activate 'em by--
Wait, Hold on, hold on,
You don't have a cell phone, but you have this?
I never said I wasn't tech savvy,
Everything I have has a purpose!
[Don vocalizing] Oh, yeah,
Like Jean would say,
"It is not dress rehearsal anymore, Don,
It's show time, damn it!"
Minus the damn it part, of course,
Don,
-I don't want to die, -[Don shushing Allen]
Come on, you bastards,
Make the first move!
Come on!
[scoffing]
Allen, here,
In case we run into trouble,
you have this, and that envelope I gave you
about things going south?
-Might want to keep that close, -Don?
I don't want to do any of this,
[man] We know you're in there, whoever you are,
Come out now and we can talk,
[Don chuckling]
[man] This is something you think you understand,
but I can guarantee you that you don't,
Just come out so we can talk,
[Don wheeze laughing]
Let's just talk to them,
This doesn't have to be a battle,
You're right, Allen,
It doesn't,
All those sensors,
they're also voice activated,
-Don, -[Don chuckling]
Stop this,
[Don chuckling]
[Don groaning]
So here I am,
Listen,
You got something I want,
It's that simple,
and you are not leaving here till you hand it over,
Don! This is stupid,
We have no clue who these people are,
[man] How much do you know?
[walkie bleeping]
I know this much,
you're trespassing on my property
and you are in possession of something
that I have been trying to trap for some time,
[man] Is that all?
I also know that you are not leaving here
without handing it over, and that's for damn sure,
Don!
[man] Is that a threat I'm hearing in your tone?
[Don laughing]
I don't know if you noticed, but I'm not carrying a gun,
Now, shouldn't you be more worried?
I don't know,
maybe the thing that I'm threatening you with
was meant to stop something much bigger than you?
[suspenseful music]
Showtime front!
Show-- God!
Shit! Shit!
Showtime front!
[suspenseful music]
Hey!
[Don yells]
I think,,,
I think it just might be best if I go home now,
[loud thumping]
[Allen] I've met some unique
and odd people doing this show,
But Don takes the cake,
He really is the craziest person
I've ever met,
There's no way any of you are going to believe me
when I tell you what I saw today, [chuckling]
It's like something out of a science fiction movie,
There were these masked people,
almost like they work in Area 51 or something,
and they were,,,
well, I don't know what they were doing,
The truth is, I don't know what I'm doing here,
I can't tell what's a bigger mystery,
If the monster is actually real,,,
or if Don,,,
is,,,
I just can't read Don,
I keep trying to find meaning within Don's story,
but I just-- I can't,
Maybe there's no meaning,
Maybe this whole thing,,,
is crazy,,,
random,
and nothing else,
As far as,,,
do I think the monster is real?
The answer is no,
I think in stories,,,
there's always more than meets the eye,
In this case,,,
there's nothing more to see here,
[Allen] You good, Don?
I'm good, [clearing throat]
Wonderful,
Never been better,
Don?
[Don] Let it be, Al,
Just let it be,
Everything was for nothing,
Did great,
Do you want to talk?
Don, do you want to talk?
[Don] What I would like is for you to shut the fuck up,
I,,, struggle,,,
with staying in the moment,
Jean would remind me,
She'd say, "Come back,"
When she saw me daydreaming,
She'd keep me grounded when I'd wander,
When she died, everything that--
that-- that kept me grounded was gone,
It didn't matter what things I had anymore,
I couldn't--
Oh, God, There I go again, I--
I lost track of where I was going,
I can tell you this, though,
The things that hurt the worst
are the ones that you don't see coming,
-[Allen] I would like to add-- -No, I know-- I know--
I know what I was going to say,
The boxes,
When Jean got sick,
she decided to leave me these things
for me to find, long after she left,
And I put 'em in these boxes,
And they'd,,,
bring me back to reality when I'd wander,
which I often do,
Jean told me, she'd--
she left me 52 things,
One for each year we were together,
I still haven't found number 52, [laughs]
I see these boxes scattered around,
and it's-- it's kind of like
Jean is watching me,
Does that make me weird?
You're weird, but that's not the reason,
[Don laughing softly &amp; sniffing]
In fact, that's probably
the most normal thing you've said since I met you,
Well, [sniffing]
Where do you think number 52 is?
Honestly, Allen, I don't think there is a 52,
Jean's sense of humor,
[exhaling hard]
Are you good now, Don?
Yeah, I'm good,
Tomorrow I'll take you back to your car,
Sounds good,
[metal box clanking]
I never did tell you why I wanted
to kill Eye so bad, did I?
You said it was because she ate your cattle,
[laughing] No,
I was going to get rid of the cattle
and move away from here anyway,
Then why did you want to become a monster hunter so bad?
Monster hunter,,,
never thought of myself that way, but I'll take it,
No, the reason that I wanted to kill Eye so bad--
Shit,
Has that been on the whole time?
[ominous music starts]
[screaming]
[Al panting]
Don,
Don, are you okay? [sniffing]
[rumbling sound]
[breathing heavily &amp; grunting]
[struggling &amp; crying out]
[screaming &amp; panting]
[grunting &amp; groaning]
[panting]
Okay, okay, [panting]
[operator] 911, What's your emergency?
Yes, yes, Yes, I--
[crying out]
[911 operator] Excuse me, sir?
[groaning in pain]
[911 operator] Did I just hear gunfire?
[Allen crying out]
[911 operator] Sir, are you okay?
[Allen crying out]
[groaning in pain]
[911 operator] What is your current location?
[Allen exhaling]
[Allen screaming]
-[911 operator] Hello? -[Allen breathing heavily]
[grunting &amp; manual breathing]
[911 operator] Sir, what is your current location?
[grunting &amp; screaming]
[whimpering]
[yelling]
[911 operator] Sir, are you okay?
[breathing heavily &amp; screaming]
[yelling]
Don! Don!
[struggling in pain]
[911 operator] Sir, can you hear me?
[grunting in pain]
[911 operator] Do you need help?
What is your current location?
Shit!
[gasping &amp; screaming]
[grunting &amp; groaning]
[panting]
[groaning]
[yelling]
[screaming]
[groaning]
[Allen] Okay, uh-- [chuckling softly]
What do I say?
I'm currently trapped
in a house that is a,,, booby--
-[atmospheric music starts] -Yeah,
I think Don broke something when he got mad,
Now the house has gone rogue,
[Don] If the shit hits the fan,
I wrote up a set of guidelines for you to follow,
Wait, the envelope,
Don-- Don left me a note,
for when things go south,
So you don't get blown up and shit,
The note says, number one, "Avoid every fridge,"
The word "every" is underlined,
Number two, "Avoid all gray tiles,"
Number three, I quote, "Truck will shoot at you
if you get too close and the red light is on,"
Number four, "Some doors are fake,"
Number five, "Do not let Bladey get too close to you,"
-"Not" underlined, -[Don with Allen] " Six,
find the encore button in the garage,
Bait and other shit rigged to explode, Don,"
[paper crinkling &amp; Allen panting]
Okay, Okay,
Okay, I'm going to cut the bullshit,
I have no way of getting out of here
because I have no idea where I am,
So, where does that leave me?
I might not make it out of here,
So let me leave you with some final thoughts,
Right now,,,
I'm terrified,
My actions have led me here,
And for what?
[radio cackling]
[man] Hello?
Is anyone there?
Hello?
[screaming]
[choking]
[coughing]
[man] If someone's there, please pick up,
[panting &amp; yelling]
[man] Anyone?
[struggling]
[man] I need to know if anyone can hear me,
-Hello? Yes, I'm here, -[man] Hello?
Good, Thank you, thank you, thank you,
I need your help, I'm hurt--
I'm hurt really bad,
I actually need your help, too,
I'm stuck in a house that--
[man] No, listen, You don't understand,
I-- I-- I'm currently stuck in this truck,
And it's just me right now,
Everyone I'm with got eaten,
Eaten?
[man] It somehow got loose and we couldn't contain it,
The latch on the trailer must have been insecure,
Are you one of them, those people from earlier?
[man][whimpering] I don't want to die,
What is it?
[man] It can't be stopped,
No, No, no!
-Hello? -[soft roaring over radio]
[man] No, No!
Hello?
-[roaring continues] -[man screaming in anguish]
[objects clattering &amp; Allen grunting]
[grunting]
Okay,
I made it out of the house,
But, I don't think,,, [grunting]
I'm out of harm's way yet,
If I can just,,,
[grunting] get to that truck,,,
without that light turning on,,,
I should be okay,
Otherwise, I'll be dead,
[grunting]
[low ominous music playing]
[music intensifies]
[crying out]
Okay, Okay,
New plan, [panting]
Don's envelope,,,
said something about an encore button,,,
to find in the shed,
If I can just--
Oh, shit! Shit!
Oh, shit, Shit!
Shit, shit!
[screaming]
[crying out]
[screaming]
[crying out]
[ominous music continues]
[yelling]
[grunting]
[crying out]
[panting]
[groaning]
[screaming]
[grunting]
[door thudding open]
[grunting &amp; panting]
[groaning]
[panting]
[screaming]
[breathing heavily]
[struggling]
[groaning]
[breathing heavily]
[grunting]
Okay, Don,
It's showtime, damn it!
[grunting]
Huh? [panting]
[Don from speaker] Game over, you crazy-eyed son of a bitch!
[grunting &amp; coughing]
[coughing continues]
[whimpering]
[crying out]
[coughing]
Oh, God, [screaming]
[grunting]
[struggling]
[door thuds]
[grunting]
[coughing]
[screaming]
[Allen screaming]
[breathing heavily]
Well, folks,
I don't think there's a way out of here,
[coughing]
Why am I here?
You may be asking yourself,
"How lame is this?"
This was supposed to be a story about--
about a man hunting a monster,
Instead,
I'm going to die
in the escape room from hell, [chuckling]
[grunting]
[indistinct]
What's the point?
[coughing &amp; breathing heavily]
[ominous music playing]
[moaning in fear]
No, no, Please,
Please,
No!
[whimpering]
[paper scraping]
[paper crinkling]
[inhaling]
[Jean] Keep moving forward, Don,
Life is crazy,
But so am I, for you,
Stay crazy for me,
Love always, Jean,
[paper crinkling]
[door creaking open]
[objects tinkling softly]
[panting &amp; groaning]
[Don] Six, find the encore button in the garage,
Bait and the other shit, rigged to explode,
[Allen panting]
Shit,
Shit!
[groaning]
[objects tinkling]
[eerie music playing]
[faint clattering]
[music intensifies]
[clearing throat]
Ugh, Gross,
[whimpering]
How do I even,,,
begin,,,
to describe what just happened?
[Allen grunting]
[ominous music playing]
[music intensifies]
[music fades]
[birds chirping]
[Allen grunting]
[exhaling]
[car door slamming]
[glove compartment clanks open]
[somber music starts]
[music continues]
Bye, Don,
♪
[music fades]
I'm confused,
We're having a hard time following your story,
You said that you were interviewing Mr, Thomas
for a podcast,
What about?
I don't know anymore,
[atmospheric music starts]
[music continues]
[Kim] I have no idea where Allen went,
It's like he fell off the face of the earth,
Yeah, I know,
Hey, hold on one second,
Oh, my God,
[Don] Still haven't found number 52,
I see these boxes scattered around,
It's kind of like Jean is watching me,
The second thing you need to know
is that this entire place is booby trapped,
[Kim] They loved your story, Allen,
-Are you serious? -Yeah,
I loved your story,
It's got so much heart and suspense,
It's a survival story, people love that,
It's got a bit of everything, doesn't it?
Yeah,
It was a bitch to get,
Yeah, I bet,
So listen, APR wants you back,
Oh, I don't know,
I mean, what about the lawsuit?
I have a meeting
with the board of directors at APR in the morning,
but word is that the case is not going anywhere,
[Allen sighing]
They really want you back, Allen,
They did have one note for the story,
What?
We never see the monster,
And? It's a podcast,
I know that, but,,, maybe we do, like,
a video and get somebody to animate your story,
I just-- I feel like people are going to be disappointed
if they don't get an image of the monster,
I mean, you did see it, right?
I mean, the focus of the story is Don, isn't it?
Does the monster even matter?
[laughs] Yes, Allen, it does,
Of course it matters, it's a monster story,
You can't have a monster story without a monster,
Let me think about it,
-I'll get back to you, -Awesome,
Welcome back, Allen,
Can't wait to see what your next story's gonna be,
Hey, Also, I'm curious,
this monster with all the eyes,,,
do you think there's more in the woods near Don's house?
For Don's sake, I really hope so,
[chuckles softly]
[upbeat electronica starts]
[announcer] This is U,S, Sane,
Whenever you're ready,
I'm not ready,
I have an amazing story, but I'm not,,,
ready to tell it,
[inhaling] Life is complicated,
People-- people are complicated,
You don't need a podcast host to tell you that,
People are always trying to find,,,
a meaning in life's complications,
Even when that meaning is--
even when that meaning makes no sense,
Sometimes crazy things happen,
and they add up, and they add up,
and add up, and the meaning,,,
is nothing,
That's okay,
because eventually the meaning will rise to the surface,
Maybe not in a clear, decoded way,
but it will,
In the meantime,,,
let me tell you the important facts,
and together we'll find the story,
Let me begin,,,
with a free-spirited,,,
and unpredictable man named Don Thomas,,,
and,,,
his wife Jean,
Who kept him grounded,
♪