God dammit, They\'re not coming, Again,
Computer, turn off the mariachi simulación,
I should hope that you\'re all going out to get more Miller L-l-l-lights
for Tuesday Taco Night Thing,
Oh wait, that was tonight? Aw, I could\'ve sworn that was on Monday,
It\'s always on Tuesdays, and you\'ve missed the last tres,
We know you\'re just trying to trick us into hanging out with you,
No! I\'m trying to trick you into learning about ship repair,
How many times do we have to ghost on you
before you stop with the taco thing?
Oh, you\'re coming, Nuh-uh,
Oh, you\'re gonna come so hard you\'re gonna beg me to stop,
Yeah, you wish,
We\'re going to Conner Miller\'s birthday party,
His mom is rich, and his dad\'s trying to be a novelist,
so I bet they get in a big fight,
There\'s gonna be a magician,
It\'ll be my first autograph in my awesome Magician Autograph Journal!
Magic is stupid,
Maybe I\'ll tag along just so I can explain how he\'s doing his tricks,
Please don\'t come, You know, I don\'t think you\'d like it,
It has nothing to do with chores or yelling,
Um, Korvo, you don\'t really do well in a social setting,
It\'s kinda like your thing,
Hm, your reverse psychology has worked, Terry,
Nothing will stop me from joining you at this child\'s birthday party,
Ahh! Yay, Korvo!
What a waste of paper,
The only good ceremony involving children is the Jewish one
where they cut off the penis,
Am I right?
Slow down!
Just a slow-down ray, No big deal,
Magic, Magic, Magic, Magic, Magic,
On the nose much?
Magic! Magic!
Rabbit was hidden under the table, Dumb,
Fake thumb,
Foam ball in the armpit,
Mouth full of flags,
This is so stupid, anyone could do this,
I could do this,
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,
Until the asteroid hit,
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds,
We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet,
That\'s right, I\'ve been talking this whole time,
I\'m the one holding the Pupa, My name\'s Korvo,
This is-this is my show, I just dropped the Pupa, Do you see me?
This is ridiculous,
I hate Earth, It\'s a horrible home,
People are stupid,
They\'re always talking about how they love their family,
but they\'re never making their family gigantic,
They\'re all normal sized,
If you like something, you should be trying to make it gigantic,
All right, be sure to share,
Make sure the lower levels get Reese\'s and don\'t hog the Skittles,
Yumyulack, I\'m heading out,
I like to get to school early
so I can watch the teachers drink in the parking lot,
Oh hold on, I just want to put my latest victim,
I mean specimen, in there too,
Wait, I know her,
Is that the lady who puts her dog\'s poop in the mailbox?
Ugh, I wish,
It\'s just the waitress from the Benihana over by the strip club,
Why is she going in the wall? I thought she was a nice one,
I said I didn\'t want shrimp!
If I was allergic, I could have died! Is that what you want?
Of course not, I wish everything lived forever, You know that,
Oh my god,
Where the fuck am I?
Welcome, citizen,
Hey, hey,
get away from me,,, Ahh!
Whatever you got in your pockets is ours!
Wallet, gum, key metal,,,
She\'s got Tums! Ow!
We could do this the easy way
or the toothpick way,
Your choice, This isn\'t over,
Everyone runs out of fancy toothpicks at some point,
Come with me if you want to live,
That\'s from Predator, It\'s from the Terminator,
Oh, crap, really? \'Cause I\'ve been saying that for weeks,
Are you sure? I\'ve seen that movie a hundred times,
We should go, Ugh, I\'m such an idiot,
What\'s up, Korvo? Do you want to resume, um,
correcting any inaccuracies in the cross-galactic navigation matrix?
No, I don\'t have time to relax,
Today we need to find out how I can be a magician,
Isn\'t magic,,, lame?
If magic is lame, then why do you have a quarter in your hologram?
What? Get the fuck out of here, Wow,
Exactly, Okay, I need to be the best magician I can as fast as possible,
Is this some sort of emotional arc?
A magician never reveals his motivations,
Let\'s get started,
Calculating wonder,
Done, I\'ll teach in the form of Earth\'s greatest illusionists,
Houdini, Copperfield, and Mystery,
the pickup artist from The Game,
I can escape anything and neg anyone,
You\'re not as hot as your friend,
Which part is Copperfield?
The other two personalities ate him,
Can I please just get a regular tutorial?
Fine, Processing,
It seems like you should combine simple tricks
with what you\'re already great at,
Cooking salmon? Ugh,
Computer, lower impatience expression by 25 percent,
You should incorporate advanced technology into your act,
Combine alien technology with sleight of hand,
a show like that would blow people\'s minds!
Especially if we served salmon at intermission,
The Duke says you\'re late on our Skittle tax,
All I could find was a Junior Mint,
Keep walking, don\'t get involved, What the hell is this place?
This whole world is a prison created by alien kids,
It\'s made up of a system of connected terrariums,
Those guys are enforcers,
They\'re part of a martial police formed by the ruler of the wall,
I\'m guessing that\'s The Duke?
It\'s pretty complicated,
Is he like The Duke of New York from Escape from New York?
Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, it\'s exactly like that,
Oh, I forgot about that movie, Yeah, It\'s exactly the same,
Jesse, the girl alien, gives us candy and little gifts,
And then The Duke hoards and distributes that,
and that\'s just, you know, that\'s how he keeps control,
Yeah, you got it,
Why is this rope so minty?
Because it\'s floss, We use what we have!
My pants are from a Polly Pocket,
Go ahead, pick a card,
I will now turn these cards into 56 different extinct animals,
I believe this,,, is your card,
Korvo, that was amazing!
When did you become a magician?
I\'ve been secretly learning so you guys would love me!
Well, it worked!
We should go out for pizza and talk about how great you are,
Hm, no,
You know, I thought I learned magic to get your attention,
but that\'s just not enough anymore,
You\'re all too provincial and lame for me now,
You\'re intoxicated with fame off one performance?
Yes,
But we\'re not like even, like, a little provincial,
Where\'s he getting this bullshit?
Now that I\'m better than you, I\'m going to become
the greatest magician of all time,
and you will collectively be portrayed as the first wife
who didn\'t believe in me in my biopic,
I always stop the movie at that point,
so I assume it goes great for the protagonist
after he cuts ties with his friends and family,
Enjoy being left behind!
This is just like the time when I married Ansel Elgort,
The little scamp, He\'s lucky he got away,
I loved him so much, Ugh, why can\'t I call him?
I got you a meeting with the biggest magician talent scout
in the world,
Ha! She lives in a one-bedroom apartment above the Wendy\'s by the train tracks,
I\'m not ready, I-I don\'t have a wand o-or an assistant,,,
I really only needed one of each,
How about your next trick is not complaining for once?
Fuck you, computer, Words can hurt,
This is the marketplace,
If there\'s something you need, you can barter for it here,
What do people trade with?
Well, mostly whatever they had in their pockets when they got shrunk,
If you had cargo shorts on, you\'re basically rich,
Suburban dads and lesbian dog walkers live like kings in here,
You know, your hair is pretty valuable,
We could probably trade those bangs in for some Mikes,
maybe even an Ike if they\'re in season,
Enrique? Don\'t eat that,
You know it gives you the sugar shakes,
Sugar shakes?
Yeah, we don\'t know the word for diabetes,
It\'s diabetes,
Oh yeah, S-I\'m sorry, I\'m losing my mind,
I haven\'t had a vegetable in months,
Dad, come on, just a sip,
Did you find any insulin? Down at the drop zone?
Sorry, man, Everyone who came in only had breath mints and Chapsticks,
Damn, We\'ve got Chapsticks for days!
Look, we\'re gonna make it work, I promise,
Your dad is gonna be okay,
If this man is diabetic, why does he keep eating chocolate?
Well, the only food they give us is candy,
Sometimes they\'ll drop in an apple or a cocktail onion,
but it\'s very rare,
We have to figure out how to barter for insulin from The Duke,
He can get anything in here,
Man, he is really going to town,
Dad, stop! You\'re not even hungry!
If you thought I was any old magician,
I hate to burst your balloon,
End of trick,
The real magic was in you the whole time,
Now, now clap,
Pass, What? W-why?
You\'re less "abracadabra" and more "average cadaver,"
You got no personality, kid,
I-I-I could try to build a device that steals other people\'s charisma
and then inject it into my body like chemotherapy,
You\'re a sad blue creep with no hair,
It\'s not gonna happen,
You\'re a sad blue creep!
What are you, crying?
I-I\'m not crying, you\'re crying!
Well, this is creepy,
Yeah, this level is run by the Bowinian church,
It\'s the religion that worships Jesse,
the girl alien who gives us food and medicine,
She\'s the one with the bow
yeah, oh, hey now, that\'s why they call it the "Bowinian Church,"
Okay, I just got that,
There\'s already a whole religion?
How long have you people been in here?
Time moves differently in the wall, It changes a man,
Wait, the aliens can control time?
No, no, It\'s more like a metaphor,
Just, look, we eat a lot of candy,
and that makes everything weird,
Plus, there\'s no calendar or clocks,
Think of it like Vegas, Okay, could you just go with it?
Okay, geez, It tracks,
I\'m afraid we have nothing to spare,
Our insulin is derived from the mold we grow on old Twizzlers,
We only have enough for the flock,
That\'s bullshit!
You\'re afraid The Duke will be pissed if he thinks you\'re competing with him!
We should just take it,
I\'ll pray for your father,
I knew they wouldn\'t help us,
Religion\'s such bullshit, Wait!
Take this, What is it?
It\'s a Slim Jim,
It\'s barely two snaps long, but it\'s gotta be worth something,
Use it to trade for what you seek,
Oh, I-I shouldn\'t be here, May the bow be with you,
Protein is like gold in here,
But is this enough for The Duke?
No, but I know what we can trade it for,
Tricks aren\'t enough, I have to be likable?
That\'s impossible!
I wish I\'d never learned magic!
Ta-dah! Yo! Check it out: Trash magic!
And the bouquet that turns into doves!
That then turn into pterodactyls!
Ta-dah! Ta-dah!
Ta-dah!
I-I usually only post breastfeeding reaction videos,
but this is sick,
Ta-dah!
Ta-dah! Ta-dah!
Ta-dah!
Ta-dah! Ta-dah!
Ta-dah!
Okay, this is so amazing, I can\'t believe it,
Our next guest is, he\'s so great, he\'s so great,
please welcome "The Incredible Burn Victim Trash Man!"
I wanted to be on Kimmel,
Tomorrow night, the Vegas Vegas Casino is proud
to present The Incredible Burn Victim Trash Man!
Featuring the most dangerous trick anyone has ever attempted:
leaping through a black hole!
How will he survive the gravimetric forces
as they rip his atomic structure asunder?
We\'re going to Vegas tomorrow to see Korvo do tricks!
I\'ll finally see the city of sin! Yay, sin!
I\'m gonna bet it all at Circus Circus!
And I\'m gonna rescue a sex worker!
Aw, she\'s never gonna have sex again,
Or he!
Greetings,
I am world renowned magician Wilkins Micawber,
I\'m as famous as a magician can get,
think the third Hemsworth brother, as are my mysterious compatriots,
We are here to parlay with The Incredible Burn Victim Trash Man,
Where hence ye? He\'s practicing his act upstairs,
Nobody\'s supposed to interrupt him,
I thought I smelled the stench of lesser magicians,
Listen, listen, listen, You can\'t do this black hole trick,
It\'s too amazing!
If you survive, our careers die,
I do what I want, leave me alone!
I didn\'t get their autographs!
The Incredible Burn Victim Trash Man left us no choice,
Now I know murder is frowned upon by magic law,
but I love weed and prostitutes,
So I need that money,
We\'ll make sure this is his grand finale, Of life,
Oh, now I\'ll never get their autographs,
And they\'re gonna kill Korvo!
Pretty convenient I came out here,
What is your deal today, Pupa?
Eh, you don\'t toss around a Slim Jim like this unless you mean business,
We need your Playboy, We know you have it,
Have you lost your mind?
It\'s the Girls of the Pac 10,
That would cost at least, uh, 20 snaps per Pac,
Come on, man!
Hey, I\'m sorry, but I can\'t make the trade,
It\'s one of the only pieces of reading material
that made it in here,
Plus titties, you know,
Sorry, dude, but I need that Playboy!
Pedro! What the hell? I got it,
Go!
Help! I\'m being robbed!
Ahh!
Benihana, bitch,
Mr, Korvo, could you explain exactly
what we\'re looking at here?
It\'s a Quantum Ring,
a black hole I built out of pieces from my space cruiser,
You kind of have to know a lot about physics to understand,,,
Looks like a Stargate, What\'s a Stargate?
It\'s what this is, and the fourth best Kurt Russell movie,
Then today I will be Kurt Russell, by diving through the black hole,
If I hit it at just the right angle, I should pass through unharmed,
If I\'m even a millimeter off, I die and maybe time implodes,
I\'m not sure about that last part,
So either it\'s a great show or I no longer have to pay my alimony,
I hate that woman,
This is Ted Johnson, reporting from backstage
at a magic show,
Yeah, definitely a Stargate,
Oh, oh, oh,,,
Korvo, you\'re in trouble! A-and we came to warn you!
But you stopped to get t-shirts,
It was in case we got separated in the crowd!
Magicians are gonna kill you before you do your big trick!
Oh, hm, I see what this is,
You got jealous and now you want to be part of my show,
You all had your chance to show me you appreciated me
by coming to my Tuesday Night Taco Thing,
but instead I had to throw all the tacos away,
Remember that? From earlier? No, that was like a million years ago,
You can\'t still be mad at that,
Security, I don\'t know these people, Get them out of here!
They\'re gonna do a murder on you!
I don\'t need you! This is my arc!
Wow, what did you do?
I don\'t know, I kicked him in that thing people have,
We gotta split up and find those magic murderers,
And where did all those cards go?
I think you\'ll all be pleasantly surprised
during your first bowel movement tomorrow,
Oh,
And now, ladies and gentlemen, my final trick of the night!
I will be the first magician in history
to jump through a black hole!
There they are!
Uhh,,,
Oh my god, wow, Yumyulack,
you just cut those guys\' throats,
You just ended two human lives, That\'s crazy,
But you were doing it to save Korvo\'s life, man, So it\'s okay,
Yeah, it\'s okay, We\'re good, we\'re good,
Oh god, he\'s dead! My Korvy!
No!
Welcome to my humble abode,
I\'m The Duke, The ruler of shadows,
The main vein, The big boy, The top puppy,
My guards tell me you\'re interested in a swap of some kind?
Girls of the Pac 10!
What can I trade you for?
We need insulin, My dad is dying,
I\'d be crazy not to take that deal,
Hey, get some sugar shots for my friends here!
Thank you so much!
Oh, I heard about the riot you caused on level two,
You know, it spread to three levels?
I lost an enforcer trying to shut it down,
A lot of lives lost for that stunt,
It\'s not easy keeping the peace in a place like this,
Even if we weren\'t the prisoners of two alien children,
it would be hard being this close to each other all the time,
It\'s a daily struggle,
Please, Sir, I beg you to be generous,
My dad is dying,
Oh kid, I\'m not a monster,
Of course your dad can have his insulin,
Our job is to survive,
You didn\'t have to do that!
Get them out of here,
It\'s starting to smell like low wall,
Oh, an interview with Mark Cuban! Score!
Today, we give Korvo back to the great all tree,
in the traditional way as he would have wanted:
ripped apart by noble birds,
What can I say about Korvo?
Korvo was easily the least popular person in the house
and he smelled like whole milk,
but we\'re still gonna miss him,
I\'m sorry, I-I didn\'t want to do it right here,
I wanted to do it later, In a bathroom,
Korvo was mean, and being mean is tight,
That was beautiful,
You only got one bird? Yeah, they\'re hard to catch, Geez,
Man, I just wish we had gone to one of these stupid parties
when Korvo was alive, you know,
We could\'ve told him how boring this was to his face,
Yeah, even though it was clear that he just wanted to trick us
into listening to boring ship repair stuff,
it would have been nice to have him around,
That\'s why, in his honor, I have brought down his manuals,
and we are gonna read about the work he did on the ship
and start doing it ourselves,
For Korvo,
I guess we have to do that now,
Ta-daaaa!
You have to stop kicking there,
You\'re alive! Oh, Korvo, y-you\'re alive! You\'re,,,
Alive like a fox!
And you all fell for it! I Now You See Me\'d you!!
Now You See Me? The movie? With Jesse Eisenberg? Ugh,
It taught me two important things,
The best part of any magic trick is spending a ton of time and money
setting up an elaborate lie,
Family, Family?
It all happened when I ditched you guys for Vegas,,,
Yeah, you know, we were just four lonely magicians,
And then presto,
Now we\'re abraca-family,
I realized I\'d gone too far and I needed you guys,
We\'re not just a space team, we\'re also a family team,
Which is why I had to hire those magicians to pretend to kill me!
They\'re all out-of-work actors,
Don\'t say that! I love those magicians!
That\'s because in the middle of the night, I planted false memories
of them in all of your heads!
Terry, we killed two of those guys,
I-I\'m sure that was just part of the trick,
But wait, how did you fake your death?
After I was finished with Now You See Me 2,
I read the novelization of The Prestige,
The Korvo you saw die was a clone, A really good one too,
He thought he was me, and I made sure he could feel pain and-and all that stuff,
And it worked! You all totally thought I was dead and came to my party!
Good trick, right?
Oh yeah, Amazing,
Korvo, that was the best trick ever!
Was anyone else doing a trick?
The Pupa was a cardboard cutout all day?
Who even are you?
Ta-da! Bravo, Pupa! Amazing!
Best day of tricks ever!
Tricks! Tricks! Tricks! Tricks!
Tricks! Tricks! Tricks! Tricks! Tricks!
All right, enough!
Now, there are 78 parts of the lavatic reactor,
The first is the Pahoehoe funnel,
It has 72 shunts,
Each shunt must be gently jostled before you can proceed,,,
Well, this sucks,
Enrique, I\'m so sorry, I don\'t know how this happened,
You saved me, Tim,
But I don\'t know how I\'ll go on without my boy,
I-I-I just don\'t know,
Do you go to heaven if you die small?
He died small!
It doesn\'t have to be this way,
Pedro didn\'t have to die,
I have to fix this place,
How can one person change the world?
By tearing it down,
- Come on! Come on, hippo, Eat, eat! - Come on, eat it, hippo,
Fuck you, Jesse,
I love this game, Hippos!