I need a father who is a role model,
not some horny geek boy
who is going to spray his shorts whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school,
What a lame-o,
Someone really should just,,,
put him out of his misery,
You want me to kill him for you?
Yeah,
Would you?
My name is Lester Burnham,
This is my neighborhood,
This is my street,
This,,,
is my life,
I am 42 years old,
In less than a year,
I will be dead,
Of course,
I don't know that yet,
And in a way,
I am dead already,
Look at me,
Jerking off in the shower,
This will be the high point of my day,
It's all downhill from here,
That's my wife, Carolyn,
See the way the handle on those pruning shears matches her gardening clogs?
That's not an accident,
Hush Bitsy!
Hush, What is wrong with you?
That's our next-door neighbor, Jim,
And that's his lover,
Jim,
You spoil her, Bitsy, Me,
No bark, Come inside, now,
Come on, Yes, Inside, Good morning Jim!
Good morning Carolyn,
I love your tie!
That color!
I just love your roses,
How do you get them to flourish like this?
Well, I will tell you,
eggshells and Miracle-Gro,
I have never heard that, Man,
I get exhausted just watching her,
She was not always like this,
She used to be happy,
We used to be happy,
My daughter Jane,
Only child,
Janie is a pretty typical teenager,
Angry,
insecure,
confused,
I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass,
but I don't want to lie to her,
Jane, honey, are you trying to look unattractive?
Yes,
Congratulations, You have succeeded admirably,
Lester, could you make me a little later please,
because I am not quite late enough,
Nice going Dad,
Both my wife and daughter think I am this gigantic loser,
And they are right,
I have lost something,
I am not exactly sure what it is, but,,,
I know I didn't always feel this,,,
sedated,
But you know what?
It's never too late,
to get it back,
Hello,
This is Lester Burnham from Media Monthly magazine,
I am calling for Mr, Tamblin please,
Well, we are all under a deadline here,
You see, there is some basic information,
about your product launch that isn't even covered in your press release so I,,,
Yeah,
I c,,, can I ask you a question?
Who-Who is Tamblin? Does he,,, Does he exist?
Because he doesn't ever seem to come in,
Yeah, Ok, I will leave my number,
It's 555,,,
01
99,
Lester Burnham,
Thank you!
Hey, Les,
You got a minute?
For you Brad, I got five!
So, yeah,
I am sure you can understand our need to cut corners around here,
Oh, sure,
Times are tight, You got to free up some cash,
You got to spend money to make money, Right?
Exactly,
Like the time that Mr, Flournoy used the company MasterCard,
to pay for that hooker and,,,
she used the card numbers and stayed at the St, Regis for what was it, three months?
That's unsubstantiated gossip,,, That's 50,000 dollars,
that's somebody is salary,
That's somebody who is going to get fired,
because Craig has to pay women to fuck him!
Jesus!
I mean calm down,
Nobody is getting fired yet,
That's why we are having everyone write out a job description
mapping out in detail how they contribute,
That way management can assess,
who is valuable,,,
and who is expendable,
It's just business,
I have been writing for this magazine for 14 years Brad,
You have been here how long? A whole month?
I am one of the good guys Les,
I am trying to level with you,
This is your one chance to save your job,
There is no decision, You just write the damn thing,
Well, you don't think it's weird and kind of fascist?
Possibly but you don't want to be unemployed,
No, well alright, let's just all sell our souls and work for Satan
because it's more convenient that way,
Could you be a little bit more dramatic please,
So, we finally got new neighbors,
You know, if the Lomans had let me represent them instead of the Real Estate King,
that house would never have sat on the market for six months,
Well, they were still mad at you for cutting down their sycamore,
Their sycamore?
Come on, a substantial portion of the root structure was on our property,
You know that,
How can you call it their sycamore?
I would not have the heart to just,
cut down something if it was not partially mine which of course it was,
Mom, do we always have to listen to this elevator music?
No,
No, we don't,
And as soon you have prepared a nutritious yet savory meal that I am about to eat,
you can listen to whatever you like,
So Janie,
how was school?
It was ok,
Just ok?
No Dad,
it was spectacular,
Well, you want to know how things went in my job today?
They ave hired this efficiency expert,
this really friendly guy named Brad,
How perfect is that?
And he is basically there to make it seem they are justified,
in firing somebody because they could not just come out and say that, could they?
No, no, That would just be too honest,
So they ave asked us you could not possibly care less, could you?
Well what do you expect?
You can't all of a sudden be my best friend,
just because you had a bad day,
I mean hello,
you have barely even spoken to me for months,
What? You are Mother of the Year?
You treat her like an employee,
What?
I am going to get some ice cream,
Janie,
I am sorry I,,,
I have not been more,,,
available,
I am just,,, I,,,
You know, you don't always have to wait for me to come to you,
Oh great,
So now it's my fault?
I didn't say that, It's nobody's fault, It,,,
Janie, what happened?
We used to be pals,
I will sell this house today,
Welcome,
I am Carolyn Burnham,
This living room is very dramatic,
Wait till you see the native stone fireplace!
A simple cream could really lighten things up,
You could even put in a skylight,
Well, why don't we go into the kitchen?
It's a dream come true for any cook,
Just filled with positive energy?
And you will be surprised how much a ceiling fan can cut down on your energy costs,
You know, you could have some fun backyard get-togethers out here,
The ad said this pool was lagoon-like, There is nothing lagoon-like about it,
Except for maybe the bugs,
There are not even any plants out here,
What do you call this?
Is this not a plant?
If you have a problem with the plants, I can always call my landscape architect,
Solved,
I mean, I think lagoon, I think waterfall, I think tropical,
This is a cement,,,
hole,
I have some tiki torches in the garage,
Shut up!
Stop it you weak! You,,,
baby shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
Who are you looking for?
My parents are coming tonight,
They are trying to, you know,
take an active interest in me,
Gross, I hate it when my mom does that,
They are such assholes,
Why can't they just have their own lives?
What makes you sure she wants us to be there, did she ask us to come?
Of course not,
She doesn't want us to know how important this is to her,
But she has been practicing her steps for weeks,
Well, I will bet she is going to resent it,
and I am missing the James Bond marathon on T,N,T,
Lester,
this is important,
I am sensing a real distance growing between you and Jane,
Growing?
She hates me,
She is just willful,
She hates you too,
Excuse me, Sorry, I am sorry, Pardon me,
Hi! Patty!
Now, for your halftime entertainment,
Rockwell High's award-winning,
Dancing Spartanettes!
We can leave right after this right?
Shit, They are still here,
Janie!
Hey, I really enjoyed that,
Congratulations, honey, You were great,
I didn't win anything,
Hi, I am Lester, Janie is dad,
Hi,
This is my friend, Angela Hayes,
Ok,
Good to meet you,
You were also good tonight, very,,,
precise,
Thanks, Nice to meet you Angela,
Honey,
I am so proud of you,
You know, I watched you very closely,
You didn't screw up once,
Ok,
We have to go,
So what are you girls doing now?
Dad,
We are going out for pizza,
Oh really? Do you need a ride? We can give you a ride, I have a car,
You want to come with us?
Thanks, but I have a car,
You have a car, Oh that's great, That's great,
This,,, Janie is thinking about getting a car,
too soon, are not you? Dad!
Mom is waiting for you,
Well, it was very nice meeting you, Angela,
Any friend of Janie's is a,,,
friend of mine,
Well,,,
I will be seeing you around, then,
Could he be any more,,,
pathetic?
I think he is sweet,
And I think he and your mother have not had sex in a long time,
It's the weirdest thing,
I feel like I have been in a coma for about 20 years,
and I am just now waking up,
Spectacular,
I am so sorry my dad was weird tonight,
That's ok,
I am used to guys drooling over me,
It started when I was about 12,
I would go to dinner with my parents,
Every Thursday night, red lobster,
Every guy there would stare at me when I walked in,
And I knew what they were thinking,
just like I knew guys at school thought about me when they jerked off,
Vomit,
No, I liked it,
I still like it,
If people I don't even know look at me and want to fuck me it means,,,
I really have a shot at being a model,
Which is great,
because there is,,,
nothing worse in life than being ordinary,
I really think it will happen for you,
I know,
Because everything that was meant to happen does,,,
eventually,
Asshole,
Hello?
Why did you call me?
I didn't,
Well, my phone just rang and I answered it, and somebody hung up,
And I star 69 and I called you back,
Well, I was in the shower,
Gross!
Ricky!
Breakfast!
Be right there,
Mom,
Hello,
I don't eat bacon, remember?
I am sorry, I must have forgotten,
What's new in the world, Dad?
This country is going straight to hell,
Are you expecting anyone? No,
Hi,
Welcome to the neighborhood,
It's just a little something from our garden, Except for the pasta,
We got that at Fallaci's, Right,
It's unbelievably fresh, You just,,,
you drop it in the water, and it's done,
Jim Olmeyer,
Two doors down, Welcome to the neighborhood,
Colonel Frank Fitts, U,S, Marine Corps,
It's nice to meet you,
This is my partner, Jim Berkley, but call me J,B,
Hey let's cut to chase, ok?
What are you guys selling?
Nothing, We just wanted to say hi to our new neighbors,
Yeah, yeah,,,
But you said you are partners so,,,
what's your business?
Well,,,
he is a tax attorney,
And he is an anesthesiologist,
How come these faggots always have to rub it in your face?
How can they be so shameless?
That's the whole thing, Dad,
They don't feel that's anything to be ashamed of,
Well it is,
Yeah, you are right,
Don't placate me like I am your mother boy,
Forgive me sir for speaking so bluntly,
but those fags make me want to puke my fucking guts out,
Well me too son,
Yeah, Me too,
I am serious,
He just pulled down his pants and yanked it out,
You know, like say hello to Mr, Happy,
Gross!
It was not gross,
It was kind of cool,
So did you do it with him?
Of course I did,
He is a really well-known photographer,
He shoots for Elle on like a regular basis,
It would have been majorly stupid of me to turn him down,
You are a total prostitute,
Hey,
that's how things really are,
You just don't know because you are this pampered little suburban chick,
So are you,
You have only been in seventeen once and you looked fat,
So stop acting like you are goddamn Christy Turlington!
Cunt!
I am so sick,
of people taking their insecurities out on me,
Oh, my God,
That's the pervert who filmed me last night,
Him?
Jane no way, He is a total lunatic,
Do you know him? Yeah,
We were on the same lunch shift when I was in ninth grade,
and he would always save the most random, weird things,
And then one day,
he was just like,
gone,
And then,
Connie Cardullo told me that his parents
had to put him in a mental institution,
Why?
What did he do?
What do you mean?
Well, they can't put you away just for saying weird things,
You total slut,
You have got a crush on him, What?
Please! You are defending him,
You love him, You want to have, like 10,000 of his babies,
Shut up,
Hi,
My name is Ricky, I just moved next door to you,
I know,
I kind of remember this creepy incident where you were filming me last night?
I didn't mean to scare you, I just think you are interesting,
Thanks,
But I really don't need to have some psycho obsessing about me right now,
I am not obsessing,
Just curious,
What a freak,
And why does he dress like a Bible salesman?
He is like, so confident,
That can't be real,
I don't believe him,
I mean, he didn't even like, look at me once,
How did you get in the Army?
Sergeant, I got three reasons for being in the Army,
First, I am patriotic, Second, I love my country,
And third, they nailed me,
Hey,
What's going on here?
Bend all the way down, Here comes the Bull of the Woods,
I am sorry, What?
Mom, nobody said anything,
I am sorry,
Everyone here is with their spouse or significant other,
How would it look if I showed up with no one?
You always end up ignoring me,
Now, listen to me,
This is an important business function,
As you know,
my-my business is selling an image,
and-and part of my job is to live that image,
Alright, honey do me a favor? Excuse me, Sorry,
Would you just say whatever you want to say and spare me the propaganda,
Alright,
Hi Shirley!
Listen, just do me a favor,
Act happy tonight,
I am happy honey,
No you are not,
That's Buddy!
Buddy,
Buddy!
Hi, Buddy!
Good to see you again,
It's so good to see you too Catherine,
Carolyn,
Carolyn of course,
How are you?
Very well, thank you,
Hello Christy, Hello,
My husband, Lester,
It's a pleasure,
We have met before actually,
This thing last year,
I think Christmas at the Sheraton,
Oh yeah,
It's ok, I would not remember me either,
Honey, don't be weird!
Alright honey, I won't be weird, Ok,
I will be whatever you want me to be,
Well ok,,,
We have a very healthy relationship,
I see,
Well, I don't know about you guys, but I need a drink,
Put a little more in there cowboy,
Excuse me,
Don't you live on Robin Hood Trail?
The house with the red door?
Yeah,
I am Ricky Fitts, I just moved in the house next to you,
Hi Ricky Fitts, I am Lester Burnham,
Hi,
Mr, Burnham,
Do you party?
Excuse me?
Do you get high?
You know I, I probably would not even tell you this if I were not a little tipsy but,,,
I am in complete awe of you,
I mean,,,
your firm is hands down the Rolls Royce of local real estate firms and,,,
your personal sales record is,,,
It's very intimidating,
You know, I would love to sit down with you and just pick your brain,
If you had ever be willing,
You know, I suppose,,,
technically, I am the competition but,,,
I mean,,,
Hey I don't flatter myself that I am,,,
even in the same league as you,
I don't,
I would love to,
Really?
Absolutely,
Call my secretary, Have her schedule a lunch,
I will do that,
Thank you,
Did you see that movie where the,,,
body is walking around carrying its own head,
and then the head goes down on that babe?
Re-Animator,
Look, I am not paying you to do,
whatever it is you are doing out here,
Fine,
So don't pay me,
Excuse me?
I quit,
So you don't have to pay me,
Now leave me alone,
Asshole,
I think you just became my personal hero,
Doesn't,,,
that make you nervous, just quitting your job like that?
Well, I guess when you are all of,,,
what 16,,,
Eighteen,
I just do these gigs as a cover,
I have other sources of income,
But my dad interferes less in my life
when I pretend to be an upstanding young citizen with a respectable job,
Lester?
What are you doing?
Honey this,,,
Ricky Fitts,
This is Ricky Fitts,
I am Ricky Fitts, I just moved into the house next to you,
I go to school with your daughter,
With Jane?
Yeah, Really?
Jane,
Hi,
I am ready to go,
I will meet you out front,
I am in trouble!
Nice meeting you Ricky Fitts,
Thanks for the,,, thing,
Anytime, Lester!
If you want any more,
you know where I live,
Shit, They are home,
Quick, let's go up to my room,
I should say hi to your dad,
I don't want to be rude,
Nice suit,
You are looking good Mr, Burnham,
Last time I saw you, you looked kind of wound up,
Is that root beer?
I love root beer, don't you?
Hey, Hi, Mom,
Hey, You remember Angela?
Yes, of course,
I forgot to tell you, she is gonna spend the night, Is that ok?
Sorry about my dad,
Don't be, I think it's funny,
Yeah, to you, he is just another guy who wants to jump your bones,
But to me, he is just,,,
too embarrassing to live,
Well, your mom is the one who is embarrassing,
What a phony,
But your dad is actually kind of cute,
Shut up,
He is,
If he just worked out a little, he would be hot,
Shut up!
Oh come on, like you have never sneaked a peek at him in his underwear?
I bet he has got a big dick,
You are so grossing me out right now!
If he built up his chest and arms, I would totally fuck him!
♪ La, La, La, ♪ I would!
♪ La, La, La, La, La, La,♪ I would suck on your dad's big fat dick,
and then I would fuck him until his eyes rolled back in his head!
♪ La, La, La, La, La, La,♪
What's that noise?
I swear I heard something, Yeah,
That was the sound of you being a huge, disgusting pig,
No, I am serious,
See?
Oh, my God,
Jane, What is it?
It's that psycho next door,
Jane, what if he worships you?
What if he has got like,
a shrine with pictures of you surrounded by dead people's heads and stuff?
Shit,
I bet he is filming us right now,
Really?
Welcome to America's Weirdest Home Videos,
Ricky?
Coming, Dad,
You know I don't like locked doors in my house boy,
I am sorry, I must have locked it by accident,
So, what's up?
I need a urine sample,
It's been six months already,
Can I give it to you in the morning? I just took a whiz,
Yeah, I suppose,
You know,,,
Well,,,
Good night Son,
I have been waiting for you,
You have been working out, have not you?
I could tell,
I was hoping you would give me a bath,
I am very, very dirty,
What are you doing?
Nothing,
You were masturbating,
I was not,
Yes, you were,
Alright, so shoot me! I was whacking off,
That's right, I was choking the bishop,
Chafing the carrot you know,
saying hi to my monster,
That's disgusting!
Oh, excuse me, but some of us still have blood pumping through our veins!
So do I!
Really?
Well I am the only one who seems to be doing anything about it!
Lester, I refuse to live like this,
This is not a marriage!
This has not been a marriage, for years,
But you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut,
Well, guess what? I have changed,
And the new me,
whacks off when he feels horny,
because you are obviously not gonna help me out in that department,
Oh I see, You think you are the only one who is sexually frustrated,
I am not? Well, then come on baby, I am ready!
Don't you mess with me mister,
I will divorce you so fast it will make your head spin!
On what grounds?
I am not a drunk,
I don't fuck other women,
I-I don't mistreat you, I have never hit you,
I don't even try to touch you since you made it abundantly clear,,,
just how unnecessary you consider me to be!
But,
I did support you when you got your license,
And some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours,
So,
turn out the light when you come back to bed, ok?
It's a great thing when you realize
you still have the ability to surprise yourself,
Makes you wonder what else you can do that you have forgotten about,
Hey, guys!
Lester,
I didn't know you ran,
I just started,
Good for you,
I figured you might be able to give me some pointers,
I need to shape up, Fast,
Are you looking to just lose weight or do you,,,
want to have increased strength and flexibility as well?
I want to look good naked,
What is this?
Fucking gay pride parade?
Hey, Ricky,
My entire life is passing before my eyes and those two have barely broken a sweat,
Sorry, hi,
Lester Burnham, I live next door, We have not met,
Colonel Frank Fitts, US Marine Corps,
Well,,,
Welcome to the neighborhood, sir,
Ricky,,,
I was thinking about the,,,
I was gonna,,,
the movie we talked about, Re-Animator,
Yeah,
You want to borrow it?
Ok, it's up in my room, Ok,
Come on,
Can you hold this for a sec? Sure,
I don't think my dad would come in while someone else is here,
but you never know, What is this?
Urine,
I have to take a drug test every six months just to make sure I am clean,
Are you kidding? You just smoked with me last night,
It's not mine,
One of my clients is a nurse in a pediatrician's office,
I cut her a deal,
she keeps me in clean piss,
You like Pink Floyd?
I like a lot of music,
Man, I have not listened to this album in years,
How much do you want?
I don't know, It's been a while,
How much is an ounce?
This is totally decent and it's 300,
This shit,
is top of the line,
It's called G-13,
It's genetically engineered by the US government,
It's extremely potent, but a completely mellow high,
No paranoia,
Is that what we smoked last night?
This is all I ever smoke,
How much?
Two grand,
Jesus!
Things have changed since 1973,
You don't have to pay now, I know you are good for it,
Thanks,
There is a card in there with my beeper number,
Beep me any time, day or night,
And I only accept cash,
Now I know how you can afford all this equipment,
When I was your age, I flipped burgers all summer just to buy an 8-track,
That sucks,
No, Actually, it was great,
All I did was party and get laid,
I had my whole life ahead of me,
My dad thinks I pay for all this with catering jobs,
Never underestimate the power of denial,
What the hell do you think you are doing?
Mom is mad,
Bench presses,
I am going to whale on my pecs, and then I am going to do my back,
I see you are smoking pot now,
I-I am so glad,
I think using illegal psychotropic substances
is a very positive example to set for our daughter,
You are one to talk, you bloodless, money-grubbing freak,
Lester, you have such hostility in you!
Do you mind? I am trying to work out here,
Unless you want to spot me,
Lester,
you will not, get away with this!
You can be sure of that!
That's,,,
what,,,
you,,,
think,
My job,
consists of basically masking my contempt,
for the assholes in charge,,,
and at least once a day,
retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off,,,
while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble hell,
Well, you obviously have no interest in saving yourself,
Brad,
for 14 years I have been a whore for the advertising industry,
The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing,
Whatever,
management wants you gone by the end of the day,
Well what sort of severance package is management prepared to offer me,
considering the information I have about our editorial director,
buying pussy with company money?
Which I think would interest the IRS,
since it technically constitutes fraud,
And I am sure that some of our advertisers and rival publications,
might like to know about it as well,
Not to mention,,,
Craig's wife,
What do you want?
One year's salary with benefits,
That's not going to happen,
Well, what do you say I throw in a little sexual harassment charge to boot?
Against who?
Against you,
Can you prove that you didn't offer to save my job,
if I let you blow me?
Man,
You are one twisted fuck,
Nope,
I am just an ordinary guy,
with nothing to lose,
Yeah!
Carolyn,
Buddy,
I am so sorry to have kept you waiting,
Christy left for New York this morning,
Let's just say things were a,,,
little hectic around the house,
What's she doing in New York?
She is moving there,
Yes,
We are splitting up,
Buddy,
I am so sorry,
Yes,
According to her I am,,,
too focused on my career,
As if being driven to succeed is some sort of a,,,
character flaw,
Well she certainly did take advantage of the lifestyle my success afforded her,
Oh, it's for the best,
When I saw you two at the party the other night,
you seemed perfectly happy,
Call me crazy,,,
but it is my philosophy that in order to be successful,
one must project an image of success,
at all times,
What are you doing?
I was filming this dead bird,
Why?
Because it's beautiful,
I think maybe you forgot your medication today, mental-boy,
Hi, Jane,
Look, I want you to stop filming me,
Ok,
Well, whatever,
This is boring, Let's go,
Do you need a ride?
Are you crazy?
I don't want to end up hacked to pieces in a dumpster somewhere,
It's ok, I will walk,
But thanks,
Yes see? He doesn't want to go anyway,
Come on, Let's go,
Come on, Jane,
I think I am gonna walk too,
What?
Jane, that's like almost a mile!
God! I love it!
You like getting nailed by the king?
Yes, I love it!
Fuck me, Your Majesty!
Who is the king? You are!
Who is the king?
♪ American woman ♪
♪ Stay away from me ♪
♪ American woman ♪
♪ Mama let me be ♪
♪ Don't come hanging around my door ♪
♪ I don't wanna see your face no more ♪
♪ I got better things to do ♪
♪ Then spend my life growing old with you ♪
♪ Now woman ♪
♪ I said, Stay away ♪
Smile, you are at Mr, Smiley's,
What?
Would you like to try our new bacon and egg fajita,
just 1,29 dollar for a limited time only?
No, but thank you,
I would like the Big Barn Burger,
Smiley Fries and an orange soda,
Please drive up to the window, Thank you,
Smile, you are at Mr, Smiley's, That will be 4,98 please,
Would you like some Smiley Sauce?
No, no, no,
Actually, I would like to fill out an application,
There is no jobs for manager, It's just for counter,
Good,
I am looking for the least possible amount of responsibility,
I don't think you would fit in here,
I have fast-food experience,
Yeah, like 20 years ago!
I am sure there have been amazing technological advances in the industry,
but surely you must have some sort of training program,
It seems unfair to presume I won't be able to learn,
That was exactly what I needed,
The royal treatment, so to speak,
I was so stressed out,
Know what I do when I feel like that?
What?
I fire a gun,
Really?
Yeah, I go to this little firing range downtown and I,,,
just pop off a few rounds,
I have never fired a gun before,
Well, you have got to try it,
Nothing makes you feel more powerful,
Well,,,
almost nothing,
So, do you like your new house?
I like it,
The people who used to live there fed stray cats,
so they were always around,
and it drove my mother nuts,
And then she cut down their tree,
Is that a funeral?
Yeah,
Have you ever known anybody who died?
No,
Have you?
No,
But I did see this homeless woman who froze to death once,
Just lying there on the sidewalk,
She looked really sad,
I got that homeless woman on videotape,
Why would you film that?
Because it was amazing,
What's amazing about it?
When you see something like that,,,
it's like God is looking right at you,
just for a second,
And if you are careful, you can look right back,
And what do you see?
Beauty,
Mom?
I want you to meet somebody,
Mom?
Yes,
I want you to meet somebody,
This is Jane,
Hi,
Oh, my,
I apologize for the way things look around here,
This is where my dad hides out,
I take it he has got a thing for guns,
You got to see this one thing,
My dad would kill me if he knew I was in here,
Did you steal his keys?
No,
One of my clients is a locksmith,
He was short on cash one night, so I let him pay me in trade,
Turn it over,
Oh, my God,
It's like official state china of the Third Reich,
There is a whole subculture of people who collect this Nazi shit,
But my dad just has this one thing,
What's wrong?
Nothing,
No, you are scared of me,
No, I am not,
You want to see the most beautiful thing I have ever filmed?
It was one of those days,,,
where it's a minute away from snowing,,,
and there is this electricity in the air,
You can almost hear it,
Right?
And this bag was just,,,
dancing, with me,
Like a little kid, begging me to play with it,
For 15 minutes,
That's the day I realized that there was this,,,
entire life,,,
behind things,,,
and this incredibly,
benevolent force,,,
that wanted me to know that there was no reason to be afraid,,,
ever,
Video is a poor excuse, I know,
But it helps me remember,
I need to remember,
Sometimes there is so much,,,
beauty,,,
in the world,
I feel like I can't take it,
And my heart,,,
is just going to,,,
cave in,
Oh, my God, What time is it?
Sorry I am late, No, No that's quite alright, dear,
Your father and I were just discussing his day at work,
Why don't you tell our daughter about it honey?
Janie today I quit my job,
Then I told my boss to go fuck himself,
and blackmailed him for almost $60,000, Pass the asparagus,
Your father seems to think this kind of behavior is something to be proud of,
And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a fucking prisoner
while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink,
How dare you speak to me that way in front of her?
And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me,
on the same day that you lose your job!
I didn't lose it, It's not like whoops! Where did my job go?
I quit!
Someone pass me the asparagus, please,
And I want to thank you,
for putting me under the added pressure,
of being the sole breadwinner now,
I already have a job, No!
No! Don't give a second thought as to who is gonna pay the mortgage,
We will just leave it all up to Carolyn!
You mean you are gonna take care of everything now, Carolyn?
Yes, I don't mind, I really don't,
You mean, everything?
You don't mind having the sole responsibility?
Your husband feels he can just quit his job,
and you don't,,, Will someone pass the
Ok guys, I am not gonna be a part of this, fucking asparagus?
Sit down!
I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist,
You two do whatever you want to do,
whenever you want to do it, and I don't complain,
Now all I want,,, You don't complain?
Please! Excuse me, excuse me!
I must be psychotic! If you don't complain, what is this?
Yeah, let's, let's, let's bring in the laugh meter
and see how loud it gets on that one!
You don't,,,
Don't interrupt me, honey,
And another thing,
From now on, we are going to alternate our dinner music,
because frankly, and I don't think I am alone here,
I am really tired of this Lawrence Welk shit,
Go away!
Honey, please let me in,
Look, I-I wish that you had not witnessed that
awful scene tonight but in a way, I am glad,
Why? So I can see what freaks you and Dad really are?
Me?
Oh, God,
Christ, Mom,
No, I am glad because,,,
Because you are old enough now to learn the most important lesson in life,
You cannot count,,,
on anyone except yourself,
You cannot count on anyone except yourself,
You know, it's sad but true,
And the sooner you learn it, the better,
Look, Mom, I really don't feel like having a Kodak moment here, ok?
You ungrateful little brat!
Just look at everything you have!
When I was your age, I lived in a duplex!
We didn't even have our own house,
You little bastard!
No, I just, I just want,,,
How did you get in there?
How? How?
Come on, get up!
Come on!
Get up!
Fight back, you little pussy!
No sir, I won't fight you!
How?
How did you get in there?
I picked the lock, sir,
What were you looking for?
Money?
Are you on dope again?
No sir, I wanted to show my girlfriend your Nazi plate,
A girlfriend?
Yes, sir, She lives next door,
Her name is Jane,
This is for your own good boy,
You have no respect,
for other people's things,
and for authority, Yes, sir, I am sorry,
Ok, just go around doing,
whatever you feel like!
You can't!
There are rules in life,
Yes, sir,
You need structure, yeah,
You need discipline! Discipline, Yes sir,
Thank you for trying to teach me,
Don't give up on me Dad,
Ricky,,,
You,,,
stay out of there!
I got to say Miss Burnham,
when you first came here, I thought you would be hopeless,
But you are a natural,
Well, all I know is, I love shooting this gun!
♪ Don't tell me not to fly, ♪ ♪ I have simply got to? ♪
♪ If someone takes a spill, ♪ ♪ it's me and not you? ♪
♪ Don't bring around the cloud ♪ ♪ to rain on my parade ♪
♪ I am gonna march my band out ♪
♪ I will beat my drum ♪
♪ And if I am found out ♪
♪ Your turn at bat, sir ♪
♪ At least I didn't fake it, ♪ ♪ Hat, sir ♪
♪ So what? I didn't make it ♪
♪ Nobody ♪
♪ I said nobody ♪
♪ Nobody ♪
♪ Had better rain on ♪
♪ My parade ♪
What?
Whose car is that out front?
Mine,
1970 Pontiac Firebird,
the car I have always wanted, and now I have it,
I rule,
Where is the Camry?
I traded it in,
Shouldn't you have consulted me first?
Let me think,
No, You never drove it,
Have you done something different?
You look great,
Where is Jane?
Jane not home,
We have,,,
the whole house,,,
to ourselves,
Christ, Carolyn,
When did you become so,,,
joyless?
Joyless?
I am not joyless,
There happens to be a lot about me
that you don't know, Mr, Smarty Man,
There is plenty of joy in my life,
Whatever happened to that girl,,,
who used to fake seizures at frat parties when she got bored?
Who used to run up to the roof,
of our first apartment building,,,
to flash the traffic helicopters?
Have you totally forgotten about her?
Because I have not,
Lester, you are gonna spill beer on the couch,
So what? It's just a couch,
This is a 4,000 dollars sofa,
upholstered in Italian silk!
This is not just a couch!
It's just a couch!
This isn't life!
This is just stuff,
And it's become more important to you than living,
Honey, that's just nuts,
I am only trying to help you!
Don't,
Why?
It's weird watching myself,
I don't like how I look,
Can't believe you don't know how beautiful you are,
Look,
I am not gonna sit here for that shit,
How does it feel now?
Fine,
You don't feel naked?
I am naked,
You know what I mean,
So tell me about being in the hospital,
When I was 15, my dad caught me smoking dope,
He totally freaked and decided to send me to military school,
I told you his thing about structure and discipline, right?
Well of course,,,
I got kicked out,
Dad and I had this huge fight,
He hit me,
And the next day at school, some kid made a,,,
crack about my haircut,
And I just snapped,
I wanted to kill him,
I would have killed him,,,
if they had not pulled me off,
That's when my dad,,,
put me in the hospital,
They drugged me up and left me in there for two years,
You must really hate him,
He is not a bad man,
You had better believe I would hate my dad if he did something like that to me,
Wait,
I already do hate my dad,
Why?
He is a total asshole,
He has got this crush on my friend Angela and,,,
it's disgusting,
You would rather he had the crush on you,
Gross, No,
But it would be nice if I was anywhere near as important to him as she is,
I know you think my dad is harmless,
but you are wrong,
He is doing massive psychological damage to me,
How?
Well now,
I too need structure,
A little fucking discipline,
I am serious though,
How could he not be damaging me?
I need a father who is a role model,
Not some horny geek boy who is gonna spray his shorts
whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school,
What a lame-o,
Someone really should just,,,
put him out of his misery,
Want me to kill him for you?
Yeah,
Would you?
It will cost you,
I have been babysitting since I was about ten,
I have got almost 3,000 dollars,
Of course, I was saving it up for a boob job,
But,,,
You know, that's not a very nice thing to do,
Hiring someone to kill your dad,
I guess I am not a very nice girl then am I?
You know I am not serious right?
Of course,
You know how lucky we are to have found each other?
Remember those posters that said:
Today is the first day of the rest of your life?
Well, that's true of every day except one:
The day you die,
Jane, hurry up,
I have got a very important appointment,
Mom, is it ok if Angela sleeps over tonight?
Well, of course, She is always welcome,
you know I thought you two had a fight,
I have not seen her around here in a while,
What?
I have been too embarrassed to bring her over,
Because of you,
and that way you behave,
What are you talking about? I have barely even spoken to her,
Dad! You stare at her all the time!
Like you are drunk!
It's disgusting! You better watch yourself Jane,
you are going to turn into a real bitch, just like your mother,
Fuck,
You ready to go?
Oh, don't need a ride,
I am going in with Jane and her mom,
Morning,
Hey, Ricky,
How is it going?
Pretty decent, Mr, Burnham,
Hey, hey,
I need that Super Smiley with cheese ASAP please!
You need more than that, my little hombre,
Oh yeah, What's good here?
Nothing!
Oh then I guess we will just have to be bad, won't we?
I will have a Double Smiley sandwich,
curly fries and a vanilla shake, Make that two!
That will be $7,98, Please drive up to the window, Thank you,
I think we deserve a little junk food after the workout we had this morning,
Did you know that? Thank you, I am flattered,
Smile! You are at Mister Smiley's!
Would you like to try our new beef and cheese pot pie on a stick?
Just $1,99 for a limited time only?
We were just at a seminar,
Buddy, this is my,,, Her husband,
We have met before,
but something tells me you are going to remember me this time,
You are so busted,
You know this really doesn't concern you!
Actually, Janine is senior drive-thru manager,
so you kind of are on her turf,
So,
this makes sense,
Oh, Lester,,, Honey, it's ok,
I want you to be happy,
Would you like Smiley sauce with that?
Lester, just stop it!
No, no,
You,,,
don't get to tell me what to do,,,
ever again,
I am sorry,
I guess we should cool it for a while,
I am facing a potentially very expensive divorce,
No, No, I understand completely,
In order to be successful one must project an image of success at all times,
Stop it, Stop it,
Shit,
I have to run next door,
Jane left her geometry book in my bag, She needs it to do her homework,
So you and psycho-boy are fucking on a regular basis now, right?
No,
Come on, you can tell me,
Does he have a big dick?
Look I am not going to talk about his dick with you, ok?
It's not like that,
Not like what?
Doesn't he have one?
Why don't you want to talk about it I mean,
I tell you every single detail about every guy that I fuck,
Yeah, and maybe you should not alright?
Maybe I really don't want to hear about all that,
So now that you have a boyfriend, you are above it?
We got to get you a real man,
You got any papers? Yeah,
In the cigar box right over there,
You know put up a fight dude, You are such a pushover,
No, I can't, really no, Ok,
You should learn to roll a joint,
Hi, Where is Mom?
Don't know,
Hi, Mr, Burnham,
Hi,
Look at you,
Have you been working out?
Some,
You can really tell,
Look at those arms,
You like muscles?
I should probably go see what Jane is up to,
Where did you get that?
From my job,
Don't lie to me,
Now, I saw you with him,
You were watching me?
What did he make you do?
Dad, you don't really think me and Mr, Burnham,,,
Don't you laugh at me!
Now I will not,,,
sit back and watch my only son become a cocksucker!
Jesus! What is it with you?
I swear to God,
I will throw you out of this house and never look at you again!
You mean that,
You are damn straight I do!
I would rather you were dead than be a fucking faggot!
You are right,
I suck dick for money,
Boy, don't start!
2,000 dollars, I am that good,
Get out!
And you should see me fuck!
I am the best piece of ass in three states!
Damn it, get out!
I don't ever want to see you again!
What a sad,
old man you are,
Get out,
Mom,,,
I am leaving,
Ok,
Wear a raincoat,
I wish things would have been better for you,
Take care of Dad,
Disinvesting problems of power
and removing their ability to make us afraid,
This is the secret to Me-Centered Living,
Only by taking full responsibility,
for your actions and their solutions,
will you ever break free from the constant cycle of victim hood,
You are only a victim if you choose to be a victim,
We all have the power,,,
I don't think we can be friends anymore,
You are way too uptight about sex,
Just don't fuck my dad, alright?
Please?
Why not?
Dad,
leave us alone! It's me,
If I had to leave tonight, would you come with me?
What?
If I had to go to New York to live,
tonight, would you come with me?
Yes,
You guys can't be serious!
You are just a kid,
and he is like a mental case,
You will end up living in a box on the street,
I am no more a kid than you are!
We can use my plastic surgery money,
We won't have to, I have over 40,000 dollars,
I know people in the city that can help us to set up,
What, other drug dealers?
Yes,
Jane, you would be out of your mind to go with him,
Why do you even care?
Because you are my friend!
She is not your friend,
She is someone you use to feel better about yourself,
Go fuck yourself, psycho!
Shut up, bitch!
Jane! He is a freak!
Well so am I!
And we will always be freaks, and we will never be like other people,
And you will never be a freak because you are just,,,
too perfect!
Yeah, well,
at least I am not ugly,
Yes you are,
And you are boring,
And you are totally ordinary,
And you know it,
You two deserve each other,
Jesus, man, you are soaked!
You want me to get Ricky? He is in Jane's room,
Are you ok?
Where is your wife?
I don't know,
Probably out fucking that dorky prince of real estate asshole,
And you know what?
I don't care,
Your wife is with another man and,,,
you don't care?
Nope,
Our marriage is just for show,
A commercial,
for how normal we are,,,
when we are anything but,,,
Jesus man, you are shaking,
We really ought to get you out of these clothes,
Yeah,
It's ok,
I,,,
Just tell me what you need,
It's ok,
I am sorry,
You got the wrong idea,
I refuse to be a victim,
When this becomes your mantra,
constantly reinforcing your new,,,
I refuse to be a victim!
I hope you don't mind if I play the stereo,
Not at all,
Bad night?
Not really bad, Just,,,
strange,
Believe me,
it could not possibly be any stranger than mine,
Jane and I had a fight,
It was about you,
She is mad at me because,,,
I said I think you are sexy,
Do you want a sip?
Sure,
So,,,
are you going to tell me?
What do you want?
I don't know,
You,,,
don't know,
What do you want?
Are you kidding?
I want you,
I have wanted you since the first moment I saw you,
You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,
You don't think I am ordinary?
You could not be ordinary if you tried,
Thank you,
I don't think there is anything worse than being ordinary,
I refuse to be a victim,
Lester,,,
I have something I have to say to you,
Are you scared?
I don't get scared,
My parents will try to find me,
Mine won't,
This is my first time,
You are kidding,
I am sorry,
I still want to do it,
I just,,,
thought I should tell you,
in case you wondered why,
I was not,,,
better,
What's wrong?
I thought you said I was beautiful,
You are beautiful,
You are so,,,
beautiful,
And I would be a very,,,
lucky man,
I feel so stupid,
Don't,
I am sorry,
You have nothing to be sorry about,
It's ok,
Everything is ok,
I was starving,
Do you want me to make another one?
No, no, no, I am fine,
You sure?
I am still a little weirded out but,,,
I feel better,
Thanks,
How is Jane?
What do you mean?
I mean,,,
how is her life?
Is she happy?
Is she miserable?
I would really like to know and,,,
she would die before she would ever tell me about it,
She is,,,
she is really happy,
She thinks she is in love,
Good for her,
How are you?
It's been a long time since anybody asked me that,
I am great,
I have got to go to the bathroom,
I am great,
Man oh, man,
Man, oh man, oh man,
Oh, my God!
I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes
the second before you die,
First of all,
that one second isn't a second at all,
It stretches on forever,
like an ocean of time,
For me it was,,,
lying on my back at Boy Scout camp,
watching falling stars,
And yellow leaves
from the maple trees
that lined our street,
Or my grandmother's hands,
and the way her skin,
seemed like paper,
And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's,
brand new Firebird,
And Janie,
And Carolyn,
I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me,
but it's hard to stay mad,
when there is so much beauty in the world,
Sometimes I feel like I am seeing it all at once,
and it's too much,
My heart fills up like a balloon
that's about to burst,
And then I remember,
to relax,,,
and stop trying to hold on to it,
And then it flows through me like rain,,,
and I can't feel anything but gratitude,,,
for every single moment
of my stupid little life,
You have no idea what I am talking about, I am sure,
But don't worry,
You will some day,
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