It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there\'s a family guy
Lucky there\'s a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He\'s,,, a,,, fam,,, ily,,, guy!
( sighs )
Peter, this is ridiculous,
I know you\'re upset about losing your job
but you\'ve been sitting on that couch for two weeks,
I have not, Lois,
He\'s right, It\'s actually been more like, uh,,, ( grunts )
Yeah, 13 days,
You at least have to do something
other than sitting there eating,
All right, all right,
Brian, let\'s go for a walk,
( crying )
Meg, sweetheart, what\'s wrong?
My life, that\'s what\'s wrong!
I was totally humiliated
at school today,
Okay, we\'re going to do
a little informal survey here, kids,
Would those of you who are going away
for spring break please move to the left of the room?
Oigan! ¿¿Quienes que van a "Spring Break" pasen
a la izquierda, por favor?
Oh, Meg, what do those kids know?
They know how to have a good time,
Well, so do we,
I\'ll tell you what,
How about you and I have
our own little spring break?
We\'ll go to that fancy new spa
that just opened up in Warwick,
Massages and facials, ah! It\'ll be great,
What do you say?
Well, I guess it couldn\'t be worse than last year
when we all went to Sea World,
And how long has this been going on?!
( sighs )
You know, Lois is right,
I\'ve been out of work too long,
Well, I think you should find something
you really enjoy doing,
Take those guys out there, for example,
Where?
Oh, yeah, now, that\'s a job,
Fresh sea air, working outside,
That\'s how a real New England man makes a living,
Well, maybe that\'s something
to think about, Peter,
What\'s that, Daddy?
Well, that\'s Mercury, Jake
the planet closest to the sun,
What it\'s doing down here by the wharf
I haven\'t the foggiest
but we should probably ask a scientist,
I\'m a guy, you jackass!
Ah, yeah, that feels good,
Chris, don\'t forget to mist under his chins,
( gasps )
Oh, boy, Lois, it\'s a real mess down there,
I\'m afraid I\'m not going to be able to do this
in the time I quoted you earlier,
Chris, shut the hose off for a second,
Everybody, I have an announcement,
I am going to drop this weight and rejoin the workforce,
I have decided to become a professional fisherman,
What? Why a fisherman?
It makes perfect sense, Lois,
You know how much time I\'ve spent on the ocean,
Wilson!
What are we going to do now?!
Wilson!
My name is Voit, dumb ass!
Hello, Doreen?
Yeah, I\'m still over at the Griffin job,
Um, listen, tell Walter I\'m not going to be able
to make it to the construction site,
So, um, I don\'t know--
have him send Frank or Glen or Harelip Steve,
I know, it creeps me out, too,
So you think I can find a boat here, huh, Joe?
Oh, yeah, You wouldn\'t believe
what we confiscate from these crooks,
Welcome, We open today\'s bidding
with this pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute,
50 bucks!
She had 9 S,T,D,s,
45 bucks,
And when we caught her, she wet herself,
50 bucks,
Excuse me,
Are you going to sell anything that\'s not gross?
And now our next item,
Please direct your attention to this photo of a beautiful
40-foot fishing boat,
Oh, man, that\'s perfect,
$12,000,
-$13,000, -$25,000,
Sold for $25,000,
Yes!
Aw, crap!
Thanks,
And now the actual boat itself,
Do I have an opening bid for,,,
$50,000,
Sold for $50,000,
Good for you, Peter,
( wood clacking )
Congratulations, You\'ve just bought yourself a cursed boat,
-Cursed? -The last captain
of that vessel lost his life
and it weren\'t no accident,
His name was Salty
and he was devoured by Daggermouth
the man-eating bluefish,
You want to buy that boat?
Go ahead, take it
but don\'t expect me to fish your dead body from an angry sea
that gave you fair warning,
Are you up for bids, too?
You are just precious,
Are you going to miss me?
Only until I go to the newsstand
and buy a Hustler,
( both giggle )
All right, I left you the number for the spa,
See you in a few days,
Not if I strangle myself
with a seaweed wrap and die,
( chuckles)
You are dark!
Uh, Peter, you still haven\'t told me how you expect
to pay for that boat,
Don\'t worry, Brian,
There\'s got to be a hundred banks
that\'ll give me a loan,
Oh, wow, so you can really give me loan?
I sure can,
You see, Mr, Griffin, what sets us apart from other banks
is that other banks are banks,
Now, I trust you have collateral,
Um,,, I got three kids,
( chuckles )
I\'ll take \'em, Just kidding,
Or maybe I\'m not, Sign this,
Here you go, Good luck,
So, what do you want on your thigh?
I want a skull,
Okay, well, I can draw Kermit the Frog,
How about a nice Kermit the Frog?
No, I want a skull,
Okay, well, I\'m going to go ahead
and do Kermit the Frog,
Mom, this is so lame,
Come on, Meg, try to have fun,
I promise after a few days here
you won\'t even remember the word spring break,
( sighs )
How about some TV?
This is MTV and we\'re rocking at spring break,
Hey, this is VH1 and we\'re rocking at spring break,
,,,leaving thousands injured, For CNN, I\'m Bernard Shaw,
Keeping it real and kicking ass at spring break!
Woo!
( sighs )
There she is, boys
the S,S, More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman
And The Incredible Hulk Put Together,
Yes, she\'s a fine vessel,
Welcome to the wharf,
The name\'s Hennessey,
Hi, there, Peter Griffin,
My friends call me Peter for short,
I\'ll let you in on a little secret, neighbor,
The best fishing is at latitude 42, longitude 71,
Keep that to yourself,
Oh, wow, thanks,
Hey, I\'ll see you, fellas,
I got some fish to catch,
Ah, let\'s see,,, "latitude 42, longitude 71,"
This is it, What the hell?
Papa, he killed Mordecai, the dancing Yiddish clown,
Stop crying,
You just became a man, now act like one,
Hey, Hennessey, what\'s the big idea
sending me to that bar mitzvah?
\'Cause I don\'t like you and I don\'t like your face,
We don\'t need any more fishermen
crowding up this wharf,
Oh, well, fine, Hennessey,
You want an enemy, you\'ve got one,
Fine!
( grunts ) There we are,
So, Steve, you ever think of growing a mustache?
Nice fish you got there, Griffin,
What are you selling?
Your bait?
Um, nice face, Hennessey,
Yes! Me one, you zero,
Hey!
Wow, So, how do you do it?
Oh, you\'re very nice to ask,
Well, first I hang the old worm out there,
They usually go for it,
So, I jerk them around a little
they fight for a while
and then they just lay back and accept it,
How about we get together later?
Um, okay,
( laughing)
What the hell?
Oh, damn it,
( car door slams shut )
( gasps )
Hey, what\'s going on here?
Peter, did you read the fine print
on this loan contract?
Um, if by read
you mean "imagined a naked lady," then, yes,
Peter, listen,
The bank\'s taking all our stuff,
And according to this
if you don\'t pay them within 48 hours
they get the house, too,
Oh, boy! I get to go live at the bank!
Meg, did I ever tell you
that if you\'re on birth control
and you take an antibiotic
it makes it not work?
Because no one told me,
( laughing )
I thought you should know,
Look, Mom, I don\'t really feel like
talking right now, okay?
Fine, I just don\'t understand
why we had to leave the spa so early,
Look, I just want to go home
and spend the next three days in solitary confinement
where I belong,
Well, I tried,
MEG: Mom, what the hell
are we doing here?
This is where you wanted to be, right, honey?
Yeah, but not with you,
Hey, did you hear what happened
to that dude from U, Mass?
He got so drunk he fell off his hotel balcony,
He\'s in a coma,
Oh, man, I want to party with him,
You know it! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Woo! Woo! Woo!
Hey, look, Meg made it, you guys,
Yeah, and she brought her mommy,
( all laugh )
Oh, my God,
Come on, Meg, get out of the car,
Like the kids say
"Up your nose with a rubber hose,"
Ha, ha, ha, Whoo!
Hey, look, everybody
it\'s Spuds McKenzie,
( yelling )
( dog growling )
( yelling )
Well, that\'s the last of the furniture,
( sighs )
No TV, I miss my friends,
John Ritter and Florence Henderson
and Alfonso Ribeiro,
Is he the guy from Silver Spoons?
Um, uh,,, no, he was on French Prince of Bel Air,
Fresh Prince,
Fresh Prince of Bel Air
but, you know, I don\'t know if was also on--
Hey, Alfonso, Yeah?
-Were you on Silver Spoons? -Yes, I was,
Oh, there you go,
Come on, just a little higher, honey,
Mom, I don\'t think I can,,, ( choking )
Hey, who\'s holding Lois?
I don\'t know,
Some dude named Mel,
This is Carson Daly
and we\'re live here at Spring Break,
Who wants to party?!
Okay, one, two, three, four, five,
Okay, we\'re going to need cake and juice for 14 people,
All right, now let\'s go to Tom Green
who\'s going to do something really outrageous,
Does anyone out there like me yet?
Can I stop this?
Hey, what the hell are you doing in my house?
Your house?
This is my house,
My wife and I bought it from the bank,
But I still got another day to pay back the loan,
The bank said it wouldn\'t matter
because you\'re a fat, deadbeat loser,
Fat, deadbeat loser?
Well, sir, while I may not agree with what you say
I\'ll defend to the death your right to say it,
There we are-- its a Van Gogh print,
Isn\'t it beautiful?
Oh, yes, I\'ve often fantasized
about what this house would be like
with more culture,
The port is quite good, Yes, quite good,
Most certainly, Indeed,
What year is it? \'51,
Ah, Delectable,
Indeed, Yes,
Oh, dear, What is it?
-I\'ve spontaneously combusted, -Oh, it\'s quite all right,
It\'s quite all right, I\'ve grown tired of living,
Very good, then, Indeed, For the best,
Is it raining again?
Hey, did you hear the one about us?
Wow, you\'re such a good dancer,
Way to go on that beer bong,
Yeah, no fake, No fake,
Mom!
Hey, what are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
I\'ve been waiting out here for hours,
What?
You were supposed to pop inside real quick
and find someone who looked enough like me
so I could use their ID,
And then you were supposed to come out
and give the I,D, so I could get inside,
( chuckling ): What?
God, it\'s like talking to a three year old,
Oh, you know what?
You need to learn how to loosen up a little, toots,
Yeah, I get the feeling you\'re loose enough for the both of us,
What? Nothing,
That\'s right, nothing,
Don\'t you sass me,
( phone rings )
Good evening, Stevenson residence,
Chris, honey, we\'ve been over this
a thousand times,
It\'s pronounced Griffin,
Hi, Mom,
Hi, Chris,
Put your father on,
Hey, Dad,
And the French guy says
"Deodorant? What\'s that?"
( all laugh )
All right, all right,
I\'ve-I\'ve got one,
I\'ve got one,
Um, okay, two men are standing at the pearly gates,,,
Oh, God, wait, how did that one go?
Well, anyway, it turns out they\'re Siegfried and Roy,
I\'m no good at telling jokes,
Dad, it\'s Mom,
Oh, God, please be Somerset Maugham, Please be Somerset Maugham,
Hello?
Peter? Damn,
I was just calling to check in with my boys,
See how you guys are doing,
Oh, uh, we\'re fine,
( laughter in background )
What\'s all that noise?
Uh, nothing, Nothing,
LOIS ( on tape ): Peter I need you to take out the trash,
Okay, Lois,
Lois, I got to go,
Holy crap, Brian, what am I going to do?
Lois is going to be home in a couple of days
and we\'re getting kicked out of the house tomorrow,
What do you suggest?
Get out your ring,
Peter, that\'s not going to,,
Come on!
BOTH: Wondertwin powers, activate!
Form of,,, steam!
Peter, we got these in a box of Frankenberry,
A jackal! Jackal! It\'s a jackal!
It looks like a jackal! Jackal! Jackal!
It\'s a Jackal! Jackal!
Time!
It wasn\'t right the first time you said it
why the hell would it be right the next ten times?!
God!
Oh, man, I am screwed,
I\'m going to lose my house
and my boat and everything,
How am I going to come up with 50 grand by tomorrow?
You could whore yourself out to a thousand fat chicks
for 50 bucks apiece,
Or 50 really fat chicks for a thousand bucks,
What? Don\'t look at me like that,
Fat chicks need love, too,,,
but they got to pay,
Ah, what is this?
Sea water, Courtesy of that gentleman over there,
( laughing )
You need 50 grand, Griffin?
Well, I got a suggestion for you,
Why don\'t you kill Daggermouth?
Maybe I will, Hennessey,
OLD MAN: You\'d be buying yourself a one-way ticket
to a watery grave,
Daggermouth is the meanest, most ruthless creature
that\'s ever inhabited the sea,
Legend has it he dwells out by Fish Stench Cove,
He\'ll kill any man that comes near there,
I saw him once,
Sure, I\'m blind in one eye
and my other eye was infected that day from picking at it
and I was tired
and I\'d been swimming in a pool with too much chlorine
and that was the hour my glasses were at Lenscrafters
but I seen that fish!
Well, if there\'s 50 grand in it
I don\'t think I got a choice,
Well, you could whore yourself out
to a thousand fat chicks for 50 bucks,
No, we covered that,
You ain\'t got a chance, Griffin,
Daggermouth killed my friend Salty
and he was twice the fisherman you are,
And half the weight,
( sizzles )
Hey, no, No, Hot,
He\'s right, Peter,
It\'d be suicide to go after that fish,
There\'s got to be another way,
We could have a bake sale,
Oh, now see, I think that\'s a neat idea,
No, I am not going to let my family live on the street,
Not even if it means
ending up like Seamus here,
Now, if you\'ll excuse me
I have a date with destiny,
So, were you, like, in an accident or what?
No, Me father was a tree,
What\'s wrong with me?
I got to be crazy to think I can kill that man-eating fish,
I mean, what the hell am I doing?
Hey, hey, hey,
Come on, Peter,
What kind of talk is that?
Yeah, you can do it,
Who\'s my big, brave boy, huh?
Me,
Who\'s my big, brave boy?
Me,
( blows raspberry )
( laughs )
-This sucks, Mom, -Meg, stop moping,
These are the best years of your life,
Now, let\'s get up there and live a little, huh?
Mom! I look like an idiot,
No, you don\'t,
Come on, Just move your hips a little, like this,
( chanting ): Lois, Lois, Lois, Lois,,,
( chanting ): Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg,,,
-( all chanting : Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, -Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg,,,
Attagirl, Shake your moneymaker!
Oh, my God! It\'s a chick!
Ay, Dios mio!
Una chica!
All right, everybody, This party\'s over,
Hey, why do you cops
always have to kill our buzz?
He used a teenage colloquialism,
Get the tear gas,
Not so fast, big guy,
What are you guys doing here?
We\'re going to help you kill the fish,
But this is going to be dangerous,
We could all die,
Oh, come on, You\'re our best friend, Peter,
Besides, I can remember a time
when you saved all our butts,
( muffled ): Uh-uh! Uh-uh!
Hyah!
Yeah, too bad I didn\'t get there till after the sodomy,
All right, let\'s go kick some fish ass, eh?!
( all cheering )
I can\'t believe I just showed everyone my tater tots,
Worst of all, now I\'m going to have a police record!
Now, Meg, if you\'re going to grab ahold of life
you\'ve got to expect to get your hands dirty
once in a while,
It was kind of cool that people noticed me,
That\'s the spirit, honey,
Okay, One, two, three, tuck and roll!
Ah, We\'re right on course, guys,
Give me another beer,
Ah, You know, these are the precious moments--
the four of us out at sea
miles away from civilization tossing back brews,
Amen, Got that right,
Hey, hey, you guys, Here\'s one for you,
Let\'s say none of us were married,
If you could have any woman in the world
who would it be?
Mariel Hemingway,
-Ah, come on! That\'s not -a very good choice,
She\'s so jagged,
No, no, I think she\'s very attractive
in a classical kind of way,
Yeah, but you could cut a roast on her face,
I would go with Margaret Thatcher,
Margaret Thatcher? Margaret Thatcher?
Why the hell Margaret Thatcher?
Oh, so nobody here thinks power is sexy?
Not one of you finds power sexy?
How about you, Peter?
Like you gotta ask,
The chick with the three knockers
from Total Recall,
-Interesting, I never saw -that movie,
Hey, you know, one of them was papier maché, right?
Oh, gee! Can I change my ans,,,
of course I know it\'s paper,,, I don\'t care!
What\'s wrong with you,
So what about you, Quagmire?
Taylor Hanson,
Taylor Hanson\'s a guy,
( laughs )
Oh, you guys are yanking me!
Ha! Hey, let\'s put one over on old Quagmire!
( laughs )
No, he\'s actually a guy, Quagmire,
Wha,,,?
Well, this is insane!
That\'s impossible!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I can,,, oh, God, I,,,
Oh, I got all these magazines,,,
Oh, Go,, oh, God!
Oh, God!
This must be Fish Stench Cove,
Right now, all we got to do is find the fish,
( English accent ): I wonder where that fish did go,
A fish, a fish, a fishy, oh,
( water dripping )
I heard that when Daggermouth eats you
he devours your guts first,
I heard he doesn\'t just eat you
he eats your soul,
I heard that one of Shannon Doherty\'s eyes
is off-center \'cause it\'s trying to escape,
MALE VOICE: Welcome, gentlemen,
( all gasp )
It\'s him! Quick, shoot him!
Not so fast,
Perhaps I could offer you a glass of port
and you a glass of starboard,
( chuckles ) That\'s a little nautical joke,
I\'m a fish, you see,
I\'m also delightfully mad,
Oh, dear, Would you mind holding still for a moment?
These antique pistols take about ten minutes to reload,
Peter, catch!
Ow! Don\'t throw stuff at me, Joe,
Peter, shoot him!
Oh, yeah, Right,
( electrical crackling )
My God,
Isn\'t it amazing that that\'s what we all look like
on the inside?
It\'s a robot, you idiot,
-Who are you? -I\'m Salty,
Salty? But everybody said
you were killed by that fish,
That\'s what I wanted them to think,
I disappeared and spread
the Daggermouth rumor myself,
Why?
Merchandise,
Daggermouth T-shirts, mugs, posters
and I\'m in talks with Nickelodeon for a cartoon show,
Figured I\'d pair him with an effeminate cat,
What do you think?
-Yeah, I\'d watch that, -Sure, sure,
-Yeah, me, too, Sounds like -a good balance,
And now I\'m going to give you $50,000 to be on your way,
$50,000? But why?
To keep your mouth shut
and because the longer we stay here
the more people are going to question
how a fisherman with no engineering background
managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot,
You know, honey, I\'m really sorry for how I acted,,,
getting so drunk
and ditching you at the bar
and letting those boys take pictures of you
while you were sleeping,
I was so busy having fun
I guess I kind of ruined it for you,
( horn honks )
Uh-oh, We got company,
( horn honks )
Looks like your fans are back, Mom,
( chanting ): Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg,,,
No, I think this one\'s all yours,
Whoo! You go, girl,
MAN: See? One\'s an innie and one\'s an outie,
ANNOUNCER: And now, back to Daggermouth
and Boom Boom on Nickelodeon,
Boom Boom, did you do your exercises today?
Yes, I did 20 laps
and I\'m about to do 20 more,
Oh, you,,,!
Yikes!
Oh, Peter, I\'m so glad being a fisherman
is working out for you,
You know, I got to admit
I half expected to come home
and all our stuff would be gone
and we\'d owe somebody a whole lot of money,
How can you half expect something?
I-I don\'t know,
It\'s just a turn of phrase,
How do you turn a phrase?
God, you\'re dumb,
Thank God for that ass,
Now, come here and kiss me,
Good night, honey,
Good night, Lois,
Good night Jim and Abbie,
Good night, Good night,
( blowing raspberry )
( Peter chuckles )
PETER: Not now, Abbie,