The butcher, the banker The drummer and then
Makes no difference what group I'm in
Let's pick up the pace, fellas, Clear all this stuff on out of here,
Yo, Rico! Get moving,
There is a blue one Who can't accept the green one
For living with a fat one Trying to be a skinny one
Different strokes for different folks
And so on, and so on And scooby, dooby, dooby
Who the fuck is Charles Guiteau?
Guido, Gui, Gui,,, Guiteau?
Guiteau,
- That's French, isn't it? - Only by name, sir,
I'm as American as any man,
Born in Illinois, er, Michigan, Wisconsin, New York,
Hmm, so you've uprooted often then,
I go where the opportunity leads,
You sit before us today
having been found guilty of false pretenses,
It was a misunderstanding,
Um, an honest mix-up between tenant and landlord,
And evading your arrest as well,
That's not how I recollect it,
We have a letter from your father,
From my father?
He says you've long been estranged,
That you were occupied upstate
with the Oneida free love colony,
Well, he'd be mistaken,
The suggestion alone is ludicrous,
To speak candidly on behalf of the panel, Mr, Guiteau,
you seem to us a liar and a fraud,
We fail to see how you've served
as anything more than a drain on good society,
A drain?
A drain on good society?
That's, well,,,
No, that's not right,
That's not how this is-- this is supposed to go,
No, sir, uh, you, you sit there and you ask me to prove my worth,
Well, let me tell you,
I sit now in the same position as any one of our forbearers,
Are we not a nation built wholly
from rogues and migrants and freethinkers?
Isn't that the whole point of this thing?
Here and only here, a man can be anyone,
He can amass a fortune, He can influence millions through--
through words or action, his-- his name ringing down through the ages,
Not a drain, no,
Not a drain but a credit,
Hell,,, under the right conditions,
he might even be made president,
I'll be glad when you're dead You rascal, you
When you're dead
And in your grave No more women will you crave
I'll be glad when you're dead You rascal, you
I'll be oh, so glad When you're dead, you rascal, you
I'll be so glad when you're dead You rascal, you
I'll be standing on a corner full of gin When they bring your dead body in
I'll be glad when you're dead You rascal, you
- Hey, Dad, - Yeah?
Mom says it's breakfast,
Just a couple more,
Hey, Mollie,
What would you say to a new bedroom?
One you didn't have to share with two younger brothers?
I'd be overjoyed, in theory,
But seeing as it's taking you nearly a month to build a picnic table,,,
Hey, now, that's not just any table,
That's a feat of modern engineering,
Right, Like your, uh, irrigation dam that flooded Mom's garden with sewage,
I might have flown too close to the sun on that one,
Oh,
I didn't hear you come in last night,
He was where we left him, Working away on his table like a madman,
No great wisdom has been without a touch of madness,
- Well, good morning! - Hey!
Good morning, Good morning, Good morning,
Show of hands, who would like their eggs poached?
- I'll take our soft-boiled, Dad, - Uh, I'll take mine poached, actually,
- Pancakes, - Pancakes,
Oh,
- Mollie, - Good morning, Joe,
I hope I'm not interrupting a family meal,
I'm just here to drop off mail, Letter for the congressman,
- From John Sherman, - General Sherman's little brother?
And the treasury secretary,
Says he's gonna run for president,
He wants me to nominate him at the convention next week,
The party refuses to reelect Hayes,
They want their weight behind a different candidate,
Not Grant again,
Grant's very popular,
The public still sees the man who won the war,
They turn a blind eye to the scandals,
And New York has its claws in him,
They parade him around their banquets like some puffed-up old totem,
That's no way to talk about a war hero,
And you would be there to,,, to give a speech?
I'm sure I'm not the first he's asked,
Any politician with aspirations would be crazy to go up against New York,
Mm-hmm,
But he knows my ambitions are more earthbound,
- A perfect man to throw to the wolves, - Mm-hmm,
So what's that twinkle in your eye?
- Oh, - It's a few light reads from your pile,
I can't have you falling behind,
Very considerate,
Whatever you do out there, don't forget this,
You have my word, darling, I swear,
Mm,
All right,
Franny?
Charlie!
Franny!
You have no idea how glad I was to know that you were safe,
This business is bad for my health, and I ought to settle down
and put in the work and earn my way rightly,
And no more habits,
Well, you have a room at our house for as long as you need it, You know that,
And perhaps George could see
if there's a clerkship open in the patent office for you,
Patent law is a business for those who lack their own ideas,
I'm sure I can never be fulfilled there,
But look, I have a new concept,
It's a newspaper format,
And it's something good, something honest,
Something that will give voice to the common man,
The Daily Theocrat,
- That's a nice name, Charlie, - I know what you're thinking,
But I still have a few friends left in Chicago,
Men who maybe see value in such a thing, and if I can amass the seed funds,,,
And of course, I would need my sister to run the arts page,
But that's,,, I mean, that's ridiculous,
I haven't picked up a brush since I was a teenage girl,
And it was your dream, wasn't it?
- Welcome to Chicago, Congressman, - Thank you,
- What is that stench that hurts so bad? - Uncle Charlie!
- Oh! What's that disgusting stench? - Uncle Charlie!
I'm coming to get ya!
I can smell,,,
Charles,
Hello, darling,
How's the patent game, George?
Good,
I'm sure you're curious why I'd ask you to speak on my behalf,
Well, I saw you once on the floor of the House
before you left for Ohio,
How you talked, how they listened to you,
Mr, Sherman, I can assure you I'm no different than any other man,
Oh, don't be modest, You're a fighter,
You survived the river of death,
My brother talks about how you boldly shirked your general's orders,
how you rode headlong into rebel fire,
You helped save Tennessee for the Union,
Oh, that's too generous,
There was no heroism in it,
- I was moving on impulse, - But for a greater good,
You're not afraid to do what's right,
Hm,
Listen,
I'm under no illusions about my prospects, I'm gonna lose,
But we might at least be able to push the party toward reform,
lest we yield to the majority view
that two terms' worth of Grant's grift and corruption merit another,
Hmm,
Two-thirds of all federal revenue flows through the port of New York,
Roscoe Conkling, he controls New York,
He's got the party by the balls,
And I guarantee you that within a week,
he will have Grant selling offices to the highest bidder,
But if his is the popular will,,,
Is it?
Thank you,
Hello, sir,
My name is Charles Guiteau, and I'd like to apply for a credit loan,
Oh, no,
I remember you, sir,
It may have been four or five years past, but I remember you clear as day,
You must have me confused with some other patron,
I have never been to this establishment,
Yes, you certainly have,
You're the gentleman that threw the paperweight,
That doesn't sound quite right, I'm sure I'd recall--
Well, that was clearly a throw performed by a right-handed man,
and I am a lefty,
This bank wouldn't know a sound investment from a copper penny!
And I feel sorry for you, most of all,
Oh!
Get to walking,
Mr, President!
President Grant!
Mr, President! President Grant!
President Grant! Mr, President!
Oh, forgive me!
I'm one of your biggest boosters, sir,
All my life, I've been following your career with great interest,
and I would like to,,, Sir!
Oh, Senator Conkling, sir!
I'm a great admirer of your work in New York,
Oh, you don't say, That's kind,
Yes, and I'm eager to, uh, punch my ballot for your ticket come November,
I'm designing a newspaper, see, and we plan to endorse your whole slate,
- Senator, - Nice to see you,
Oh, hey! Please, uh, be respectful and give the senator his space,
- I'm serious! It's an awful pain, - Senator,,,
Um, sir, I was hoping you might find time to have a chat with a party faithful,
I know a handsome pub nearby with malts,
I would love to have a malt, but I fear I'm all booked up, Mr,,,
Guiteau, Charles Guiteau,
All I ask for, sir, is an opportunity,
I've had some good ideas I worked out in my spare time
on how the president can expand his message to the common man,
That happens to be a topic
my friend Chester here is very passionate about,
Oh, so,,,
Hit the road, chief, We ain't buying,
You're a very well-covered fellow,
Oh!
Oh, so you deny he made off with those $60 from our drawer
the last time he blew through town?
That could have been a burglar, The police report was inconclusive,
How is it you're the smartest woman I know, but when it comes to him, you're--
Charlie has never had it easy, George,
Father was especially hard on him,
Blamed him for our mother's illness, and he had that awful stutter,
He joined a sex cult, Frances,
That was purely anthropological,
- Oh, come on! - It was research for an aborted book,
George, you cannot ask me to cast my own brother out on the street,
I won't do it,
I don't plan to just sit idly by as he breaks your heart again,
- Is that what you're afraid of? - I have some very good news,
The bank has approved me for a loan,
Oh, Charlie! Is this for your newspaper idea?
The bank manager himself came in, and he shook my hand,
Which bank was it, exactly?
George, please,
I'm joking, I'm joking,
We're all very proud of you, Charlie,
How about a toast? To The Daily Theocrat,
May mention of its name
strike fear into the heart of every Tribune editor,
The Daily Theocrat,
- The Daily Theocrat, - We always knew you had it in you,
I, uh,,,
I appreciate you hosting me in your home, George,
And I've been thinking, um,,,
about how I might be of use here,
Longer term?
And we've had our differences, that-- that's clear,
But it would mean a lot to her, I know, if we could be friends,
There's only one way this story ever ends for men like you,
And we both know there's only one thing you can do for your sister,
You were in the war, Mr, Stockton?
Aye, Michigan,
Seventh Volunteer,
The Seventh,
That would've put you at Antietam,
Antietam, Chantilly,
Lost my two boys at Cold Harbor,
I'm so sorry,
War is an awful business,
Would you do it again,,,
if you knew everything you stood to lose?
My boys stood on the front line,
They saw what was coming, and they held their ground,
They died for an idea,
An idea bigger than them,
Bigger than any man,
- Hmm, - Well, I'd best be going,
You ought to use this bed,
Just till sun up,
I wouldn't deny a man his berth,
I insist, I have no use for it,
I have a task that requires my renewed attention,
Thank you,
First up, Representative Joy speaking for Senator Blaine,
Christ, Blainsy, when's your man due back at the morgue?
Does anyone else perceive a draft?
Christ,
I shall propose as candidate
he who's commonly called James S, Blaine,
And my middle name is Gillespie, you insipid twat,
I think Blaine would be a very good president,
Indeed,
Mm,
Senator Conkling speaking for President Grant,
I'll see you again in four years,
When asked whence comes our candidate,
we say from Appomattox!
Show me a better man!
I dare you!
Name one and I am answered!
Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant!
Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant!
Grant, Grant!
Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant!
Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant, Grant!
Appomattox,
- It's got a certain ring to it, - Yeah,
Thank God Lee didn't surrender at Foggy Bottom,
Heh,
Haven't seen you on the floor in some time, Jim,
Farm keeping you busy?
Well, a touch of the earth every now and again
can prove a kind remedy, Senator,
Oh, I manage to get my hands dirty from time to time,
Good to have you back in the fold, Jim,
You had lots of promise once, We like you,
Not just me, the president too,
He says he can see you making a real impact,
Interior, maybe? Land Bureau? That sort of thing?
I'm hardly qualified for that job,
You own a fucking farm, don't you?
If you'll excuse me, I'll be late for my speech,
You shouldn't have come back, Jim,
Pardon me?
Take it from someone who's been at it a while,
Go back to Ohio, Enjoy your quiet farm,
You've got too much heart for a business this filthy,
Tears you apart,
Hell, it's got to,
A man like you?
You'd be dead before you hit the ground,
Congressman Garfield speaking for Secretary Sherman,
This should wrap it up,
Thank you, Mr, Chairman,
Mr, President,
Friends,
Today I have sat by and borne witness
to the shows of many big men,
I've bore them with a deep,,,
disquiet,
This assembly seems,,,
It struck me as a human ocean in tempest,
I've seen the sea lashed in a fury, flung into spray,
but it is not the billows,
rather, the calm level of the tide from which we draw its depths,
Are we in oceanography by mistake?
That is to say,
it is not your present temper
that marks the pulse of the people,
Not here, in this turbulent hall,
do we stake the destiny of our republic,
Where else would you have it be?
Not here!
But by the millions of firesides that have endowed us on their behalf,
Those citizens guided by a love of home and country,
weariness for the past,
but hope for the future,
It is with them that God prepares his verdict,
Lest we forget ourselves that not two decades ago,
this same republic bore with it chains of bondage!
Men's souls paralyzed,
the demon of slavery preying upon the virgin West,
and it was our party,
and a great man who stood here before many of you today,
he stood in this very spot, and he kindled a light,
A light stoked from embers
that would come to consume every shackle and slave pen
in a fire of freedom,
We should join together in lifting into the firmament of the Constitution
those immortal pillars of justice and truth,
That every man is equal and free,,,
Come on!
,,,no matter what he is,,,
,,,or how he got here,
It falls upon us
to hold ground as a party,
to show those millions of firesides,
We want a man whose life and opinions
embody all that is right and good about this place,
A man who, from a mountain's height,
looks forward,
prepared to meet the dangers to come
with dignity and courage,
God damn it!
A man who has stood the blaze of that fierce light
which browbeats us all,
but whose fiercest ray finds no flaw in his armor,
no stain upon his shield,
We want a man!
We want Garfield!
Charlie,
I speak, of course, of your servant, John Sherman, from Ohio,
His record of honor speaks for itself,
and I gladly offer him now for your consideration,
Thank you, and good night to you,
Thank you,
Fran?
Frances,
Wait,
379, That's our majority,
The crystal number,
We can count on New York and the rest,
Illinois will be solid,
I have no faith in the wisdom of delegates, Chester,
They seem to derive a unique kind of communal joy
in falling prey to human error,
Well, when we're in need of extra chuckles,
brass knuckles,
Gentlemen!
We'll now move to a vote with peace, dignity, and decorum,
Alabama is 16 for Grant, three for Sherman, and one for Blaine,
The state of Arkansas bestows all its 12 for Ulysses Grant,
It's not over yet, sir, Just in the A's,
We from Illinois have resolved 24 votes for Grant,,,
Forty-two, We're owed 42,
,,,and ten for Blaine,
Indiana goes two for Grant,
twenty-five for Senator James Blaine,
two for John Sherman,
We don't have it, It won't work,
Ohio pledges its 44 votes for the Secretary, John Sherman,
Pennsylvania will go 33 for Grant,
twenty-two for Blaine,
two for Sherman,
and one for Congressman James Garfield,
Well, someone's having a bit of fun, Jim,
Rhode Island pledges its eight--
The final count stands at 305 for Grant,
282 for Blaine,
94 Sherman, 32 Edmunds, 31 Washburne, ten for Windham,
and one for James Garfield,
- Has Grant won it? - He's got a plurality, but not a majority,
No, They go again,
You don't want Grant on this ticket any more than I do,
John, the two of us, we can put an end to this,
My men will not support you,
And even if they did,
you would still need the votes of Washburne and Edmunds,
And I will fight for everyone
if the end result is I get to wipe that smile off Conkling's face,
You should listen to yourself,
Do you honestly think you'd be any better than Grant?
I do, John, I think you'd be better than Grant,
But you have no path,
No path,
- We'll talk after this, - Thank you, sir,
Hello, sir, It's a great honor to meet you,
It was you, wasn't it?
It was me, sir, I was very impressed by your speech,
Oh, very kind,
You do realize I'm not running,
I do,
My task, as I understood it, was to vote for the man most capable,
I believe that to be you, sir,
You mistake me,
My support is for Sherman,
You can vote for him or anyone else, but you will dare not use my name again,
We're the party of Lincoln,
We ought to live up to it for once,
Fran, it was a silly mistake,
It was a silly mistake, I was-- I was only trying to be of help,
Do you remember how restless you were as a boy?
All those little wagers we'd make?
Ten cents, was it,
if you could just keep your arms and legs still for five minutes?
I always lost that bet,
And you would sneak me a dime anyway when Father's back was turned,
I will never forgive myself
for running off to school and leaving you alone with him,
No, no,
You're not to blame for any of that, No,
George spoke with a physician this morning,
The man knew of a place,
A place?
Oh,
It'd only be for a short while,
And you could come back to your newspaper afterwards,
This is what you want from me?
It's right, isn't it?
It's healthy,
I trust you,
If that's what you think is best,
My,,,
passion can get the better of me,
But it's your passion that sets you apart,
It's what makes you remarkable,
The 12th vote's in,
Grant holds and gains one,
Blaine drops to 279,
Sherman's up two to 97,
It's a deadlock,
Roscoe!
Recast our republic! This is a racket!
Gentlemen! Please!
Be not fooled by the guru with the turkey gobbler's strut!
Gentlemen!
We must hold fast as a party, Gentlemen, I beseech you,
Chairman, I beg of you,,,
Mister, please? I haven't eaten at all today,
Please, mister,
Not now,
South Carolina is 11 for Grant,
One for Blaine!
Two for Sherman!
Christ, he won't quit,
By now he's promised more ambassadorships than there are nations on Earth,
What number vote are we at? 20? 21?
Thirty-four, Senator,
Senator?
Don't mind me, Jenkins, I'm just,,, staking out my rafter,
Wisconsin will give two votes for Grant,
- Shit, - One vote for Blaine,
Shit,
And 16 votes for the man from Ohio, James Garfield,
Uh, Mr, Chairman, sir,
Ohio rises to submit a question of order,
Yes, I imagined you might,
I challenge the correctness here,
Surely no man has the right to announce a person's name without their consent,
Such consent I have not given,
The gentleman from Ohio does not state a question of order,
- Mr, Chairman, I'm not asking-- - Sit down, Congressman,
No person having secured a majority, another ballot will be taken,
Thank you,
Did James Garfield, of all people, really just win 16 votes?
Seventeen, actually,
Can't forget the little shit from Pennsylvania
who's thrown in for him the last 33 cycles straight,
Get him back in line, Chester, We're not bleeding one more vote,
John,
- Oh, - Well, there he is,
The great man from Ohio, Mr, James Garfield,
I've never been so fucking humiliated in all my life,
I will not accept any of those votes,
I yield every single one to you,
It doesn't work like that, Jim,
Well, understand, when I pledge my loyalty, Mr, Secretary,
I do not waver,
Loyalty?
Nobody makes a speech like that unless he craves it for himself,
Alabama's 20 votes for Grant,
All 12 of Arkansas for Ulysses Grant, and let this thing be ended now,
- Hallelujah, - Amen,
Connecticut goes one vote toward Grant,
and another 11 for Jim Garfield,
Illinois goes 24 votes for Grant,
six for Blaine,
and seven, Garfield!
Delegates from Iowa give our 22 votes to Garfield,
No, this is a bad-faith vote, I demand a hold on these proceedings, sir,
- You're-- - We are all of sound minds, Senator,
Are you? You can kiss the deputy treasury goodbye, motherfucker,
Maine moves her 16 votes from Blaine to James Garfield!
Make the same appeal, in my name,
to Maryland, Michigan, and every delegate who has voted for me,
Six for Grant, and ten for Garfield!
Four Grant, 42 Garfield!
And by the way, 21 for Garfield!
I want all of New York,
Nebraska goes six for Garfield!
New York goes 50 Grant!
Twenty, Garfield,
Twenty votes from New York, you goddamn--
It's a free vote, Senator!
No, no, no, no, Stop! Stop it,
Stop, Gentlemen--
Sincerely, I'm very flattered, but I simply cannot--
- I cannot-- - Ohio pledges its 44 votes,,, to Garfield,
No-- Stop it, No, No!
Take it back,
It's already done, Congressman,
Oregon,,,
John, Please,
,,,six for Garfield!
John,
John!
See you in four years, Roscoe,
Vermont switches its ten to Garfield!
Wisconsin votes 20 for Garfield,
- Excuse me, Uh, what's going on? - It's Garfield,
He's making a break for it,
Who the hell is Garfield?
Order, gentlemen! Order!
Three votes for John Sherman,
Forty-two for Senator Blaine,
306 for the president, Ulysses Grant,
And 399 votes
for James Garfield, the man from Ohio!
So what say you all? Shall the nomination be made unanimous?
Gentlemen, please,
James A, Garfield of Ohio,,,
I rise to move
that the man be named unanimously as the nominee of this convention,
Hoorah for James Garfield,
the next President of the United States!
Woo!
It's yours, Congressman,
You didn't ask me if I wanted it,
Everyone wants it,
Congratulations,
What's your next move, Senator?
What else? We gut the bastard,
Thank you very much, Thank you,
Sir!
We expect great things!
And I of you,
Excuse me,
Grand Pacific Hotel, please,
Garfield! Garfield! Garfield! Garfield! Garfield! Garfield!
Garfield! Garfield!
Garfield! Garfield! Garfield! Garfield!
- Garfield! Garfield! Garfield! - Garfield!
Garfield! Garfield! Garfield!
Garfield! Garfield!
Garfield! Garfield! Garfield!
George! George!
All his things have been cleaned--
Son of a bitch!
- Here you are, my good man, - Thank you so much,
What line of work are you in?
Politics,
I'm going to help get a man elected to the presidency,
Hm!