PREVIOUSLY ON WHISKEY ON THE ROCKS
[soldiers chant] Kill! Kill! Kill!
This is it,
[Karlsson] The Commander-in-Chief,
Apparently, he's preparing an unsanctioned attack on the submarine,
Well, I'll be fucking damned!
Swedish warship!
-Go! -[men] Go!
-Training exercise Matryoshka is halted, -Good,
So, all that really remains is the questioning of the captain,
I'm going to dress up the submarine's KGB officer as the captain,
-Who are you? -Most people call us KGB,
Drop it!
-Ah! -[Svetlana] You idiot!
-Ah! -We're the CIA,
A defecting KGB officer will be extremely valuable to us,
Oh, my God,
The submarine is armed with nuclear weapons,
NATO has doubled its fleet at the border,
where the Soviet fleet is already positioned,
The submarine's captain has been given orders to blow it up if anyone approaches,
Also, both Reagan and Brezhnev are ready to attack
which could lead to a full-blown nuclear war,
THIS SERIES IS INSPIRED BY A TRUE STORY
SOME CHARACTERS AND LOCATIONS HAVE BEEN ALTERED
FOR REASONS OF NATIONAL SECURITY
QUITE A FEW, TO BE HONEST,,,
THE GOVERNMENT OFFICES STOCKHOLM
It is a serious violation of Sweden's sovereignty and territorial integrity,
What's even more serious,
and what I'm now for the first time sharing with the public, is that,
that according to the investigations that we have undertaken
that the Soviet submarine
is highly likely armed with nuclear weapons,
With even higher probability, a probability bordering on certainty,
we can say that there is uranium-238 onboard,
And no one has been able to think of any other reasonable use for the uranium,
This means that what we're actually facing
is the most flagrant violation of Swedish territory
since the Second World War,
[sighs] Did I miss anything?
Nah,
[Thorbjörn] Are there any questions?
[laughs hysterically]
-Shit, that's cool, Håkansson! Huh? -Yeah,
This is it, you know?
Now even the sheep farmer knows that there are nukes onboard,
We've waited for this our whole lives,
It's time to beat the Russians once and for all, [breathes heavily]
Are you ready to go to war, Håkansson? Are you?
Yes, I,,, I am, But,,,
No buts, Håkansson! No buts, Let's go!
[engine sputters]
No, [nervous chuckle]
-Step on the gas as you turn the key! -Yup,
[engine starts]
-There you go, -Yeah,
-Now, drive! -Yes, Woo!
I've informed Commander Karlsson that he may commence Operation Tow-out,
So, in a couple of hours, we might be able to relax, if we're lucky,
What's the matter, Ola? You're all pale,
You almost look like someone tried to stab you with a knife,
-Or a syringe, -What's that?
Evi and I are getting divorced,
She thinks I work too much,
I'm really sorry to hear that,
I've squandered her away, Thorbjörn,
Domestic politics can be strenuous,
World politics even more so,
And now it seems that the submarine's political officer,
Lieutenant Tarasenko has decided to defect,
Oh, really?
When were you planning to tell the Soviet ambassador?
Well, it seems I won't need to,
She has already ordered Mrs, Tarasenko and their newborn baby to Sweden,
They're holed up in a room at the Sheraton as we speak,
Tarasenko defects, a senior political officer in the Soviet system,
and the Soviet ambassador brings his wife and kid here and reunites them?
It's called horse-trading, Ola,
Invented by us in the Farmers' League sometime in the '30s,
-It's give and take, That's all, -Right,
You take a defector, whatever use we have of him,,,
-And what do you give? -The submarine, of course,
Tarasenko has already leaked like a broken sieve, so we have everything we need,
If you like, I could take care of Tarasenko and his family,
Well, that would be absolutely brilliant,
Do you think you could hide them so that no one can find them?
[knocking]
[Barbro] Please excuse me, gentlemen, but the Soviet ambassador is on the phone,
And, Thorbjörn, don't forget to wash your hands,
Damn, right,
Hello there,
Hi, I must admit that you're extremely professional on TV, Thorbjörn,
Why, thank you, thank you,
Now that Lieutenant Tarasenko and his family are in your safe hands,,,
you should be able to allow the submarine
to return home with the rest of the crew, all in accordance with our agreement,
As you know, a sheep farmer always keeps his word,
The secretary of state will handle the Tarasenko family,
as I have another urgent matter to attend to,
-What? -More like who,
SECRET ARMY BASE
-[Lagerkrantz] Attention! -[boots stomp]
At ease!
-Do you all know your roles? -[men] Yes, General!
Excellent, So, the entire operation depends on the element of surprise,
I have one minor question,
Colonel-in-Chief, have you gotten the green light
from the government on this operation?
May I remind you that I am the country's commander-in-chief?
Meaning I'm in charge of our country's entire military, of which you are part,
Any more idiotic questions, before we change the world order?
No, General,
Good,
What a fucking idiot,
T-twerp,
[Lagerkrantz] The first group will approach by land,
Group two will join them in dinghies,
The frogmen will then get on deck undetected on the starboard side
and quickly enter the sub, where they will capture the crew and bring them ashore,
Any questions?
Hultman!
Yes, [clears throat]
How are you thinking the frogmen will get up onto the submarine?
If it's slippery, that is, Do we bring ladders? Is that the idea?
Uh, and if so, how do we bring them with us?
Right,
I will now return to the naval base to keep up appearances,
We don't want anyone listening in,
so all communications from now on will be via field phones
and my eminent second, Håkansson,
Your orders are commence Operation Reveille,
And take no individual initiatives,
Those are up to me and me alone,
-Understood? -[men] Yes, General!
Excellent,
-Martinsson, -Mm?
You hold the fort here
Connect to the phone pole, and then I'll call you on this field phone
from that portable phone device,
What?
Enough,
[clears throat]
General, I would just like to tell you
that it has been a great honor for me to serve alongside you,
And,,,
Well, that's all I wanted to say, No more,
"For Sweden with the times," Håkansson, Today, we're making military history,
you and me, then we'll get medals from the King,
dinner at Operakällaren, the whole shebang,
This will be a story to tell the grandkids,
-Yes, -Let's fucking do it, Håkansson!
My name is Martinsson,
Håkan Martinsson,
[phone rings]
Yes, hello?
[Martinsson] I can inform you, Mr, Prime Minister,
that the Commander-in-Chief left Hästholmen four minutes ago
and is headed to the Karlskrona naval base,
Thank you, Håkansson,
My name is Håkan Martinsson,
How damn hard can it be to learn my name?
-Jörgensson, -Hello, it's Tobbe,
-Hey, it's time, -Okay,
Release them,
Damn asshole minister,
A hip-hop, the hippie, the hippie, To the hip, hip-hop
You don't stop the rocking To the bang-bang boogie
Say up jump the boogie To the rhythm of the boogie, the beat
Now what you hear is not a test I'm rapping to the beat
And me, the groove, and my friends Are going to try to move your feet
KREMLIN, MOSCOW
-[phone ringing] -Why won't you pick up the phone,
you stupid cow?
Hello?
Comrade Andropov, Admiral Kalinin here,
We're ready for the rescue mission,
Awaiting orders,
And how is the diplomacy going?
[Brezhnev] Diplomacy?
What kind of a horseshit word is that? Diplomacy,
Go into battle, damn it! Carry out my devilish plan!
Call me and report when it's done!
Of course, Comrade-Secretary General!
That's it,
This is how things should be resolved,
We have orders to carry out Operation Devilish Plan,
-What? -Sound the alarm!
[alarm sounds]
Listen to my command!
Take our entire fleet and advance on the submarine!
We're bringing our comrades home!
Engine room, full speed ahead!
Execute!
[ship's klaxon blares]
[Lagerkrantz sings along to music] Mission in Geneva, Moscow
We faced danger every day But life was a dance
Women and champagne Where shadows swept
What the fuck?
What the hell is this?
-I'm in the middle of a damn zoo! -[toots horn]
-[bleating] -For the love of,,, Move!
-What moron is responsible for this? -[toots horn]
For crying out loud,,,
Control your animals, you damn hillbilly!
I'm Sweden's commander-in-chief, and I'm at war!
Right, What a fucking coincidence,
-You see, so are we, -Right, and who are you, if I may ask?
We're the Swedish Sheep-Breeding Association,
And we're here on behalf of our former chairman,
We have a thing or two to talk about, you and I,
-Okay, -Get out of the car,
-But,,, -Now!
The Swedish prime minister has now confirmed
the submarine is carrying nuclear weapons,
At the same time, there are several Soviet ships,
as well as two submarines, heading towards it,
We have every reason to fear an extraction attempt, Mr, President,
Mr, President, how would you like to proceed?
Chicken race!
-What? -Let's show 'em what we got,
That's an order, General,
Yes, Mr, President,
You want to play games? I'll race you to the sub, western pigs,
THE NATIONAL BORDER U137
NAVAL BASE KARLSKRONA
What the hell is going on?
We're not really sure, Commander,
All ships suddenly went full steam ahead towards the submarine,
Send a towboat immediately! Free the submarine now!
Whatever happens, remember the prime minister's orders,
Hold the border!
[soldiers chatter and shout]
We have received new orders to hold the border!
-What? I thought we were done, -We have to hold the border!
Shit, that means we have to fire, What happens if we hit them?
We haven't even calibrated our fire yet,
Just shoot, Aim at the national border, That'll send a clear message,
[soldiers shouting and chattering]
Fire!
[whistle of missile]
We're at war,
[man] Towboat Karlshamn here,
We're commencing towing and hope to finish before anyone else gets there,
Over and out,
-[knocking] -[Kuznetsov] Comrade Captain!
Moscow informed us that they've sent all their forces to liberate us,
Comrade Captain!
-[knocking] -The Swedes are already here too!
Shit!
Comrade Captain! Comrade Captain,,,
Damn!
That spineless dickhead Tarasenko has started a mutiny!
[tremendous bang]
What the fuck was that?
[Peskov laughs drunkenly]
Captain!
Guys, we're moving!
-Hooray, guys! -Hooray!
-Yes! -Hooray!
-[Peskov laughs drunkenly] -[men cheering]
[phone ringing]
[Andropov] Comrade Vasilieva, why don't you answer the phone?
-Hello, -Commander-in-Chief!
Operation Devilish Plan has begun, but the Swedes have opened fire,
Permission to return fire,
Are you insane?
Abort the operation immediately!
I understand, Comrade Andropov,
[alarm sounding]
New orders from Moscow,
Abort Operation Devilish Plan immediately,
Execute,
[sighs] I'm going to step outside for a bit,
I need some fresh air,
Crap,
[inhales] American steel, Works every time,
Mr, President,
General Cooper,
Sir,,,
-You shouldn't, -Ah, it's those Swedes,
They got me smoking again, How far have you got with my plan?
-You mean the chicken race, sir? -Yes,
I'm sorry, sir, It's canceled,
Canceled?
The Swedes are right now towing the submarine out to international waters,
The matter, it seems, has been resolved through diplomacy,
Diplomacy?
What kind of a shitty word is that?
I think it's a,,, beautiful word,
[Brezhnev] What was it I decided
about that submarine again?
We were going to blow it to bits, Comrade Secretary-General,
Along with the crew of 56 onboard, nukes and everything,
inside another nation's territory, Comrade Secretary-General,
Preliminary reports say 50,000 dead,
Large parts of southern Sweden no longer exist,
Well, damn, how about that?
What do the Swedes have to say about it?
Well, they were a bit upset at first,
but we spoke with them and they decided it was to be expected,
[chuckles]
How sensible of them,
Hm, [chuckles]
[grunts]
[coughs]
[baby crying]
[shushing baby]
Mr, Secretary, what is happening? Why are we here?
-Russia? -No, no, no, Russia!
No Russia, America,
That's right, Mr, Tarasenko, United States of America,
We would love to welcome you, far away from Moscow,
New York?
If you wish, Free country, sir,
Julia, New York!
No, Dima,
Gallywood,
Gallywood?
Hollywood!
You got it, Deal?
Deal,
[phone rings]
-[Lagerkrantz] Ow, ow, ow! I will try, -Yes, hello?
-Tomorrow, I will hand in my,, It hurts,,, -[chuckles] Slow down, Börje,
I understand that you're trying apologize for something,
but could you please be as kind as to take it once more from the top?
Calmly and clearly, please,
First of all, I'd like to apologize to you
for perhaps not always treating you with the respect that I should have,
Second, I would like to inform you that tomorrow morning,
I will be handing in my letter of resignation to the government,
Well, that is indeed a wise decision, Börje,
Thank you for your service, and of course, I will give you a glowing endorsement,
-And one more thing, -Yes,
Things worked out just fine with that submarine,
Even in your absence,
Goodbye and good luck,
If I understand things correctly, according to protocol,,,
responsibility for the submarine now returns to us, Correct?
This is the Swedish Coast Guard, You may go home now,
-Hooray! -[all] Hooray
[whistling, cheering]
Glory to our merciful Secretary-General,
A woman is everything!
Family! That is everything!
-Hooray, boys! -[men] Hooray!
[manically] Hooray!
[men chant] Home! Home!
-Home, guys! -[all cheering, whistling]
[loon calling]
[KGB officer] Congratulations on the highest decoration,
[Aleksandra] Thank you, Comrade,
The important thing was serving my beloved motherland, but thank you,
Placing radio masts in the Baltic
is a major undertaking in itself,
But I also asked the technicians to report on the state of the seabed,
Why may I ask?
Well, just imagine the future,
We could put the largest gas pipeline from the Soviet Union
along the seabed to a greedy, energy-hungry Europe,
From a military strategic standpoint, it would be brilliant,
But from an economic standpoint, simply astounding,
Well,,, think about it,
Think about it,
[Karlsson] We suspect that the former Russian ambassador
in Stockholm is not who she says she is,
Aleksandra?
She's likely working for Russian intelligence,
Nah, I think you've got the wrong end of the stick, Anders,
Aleksandra, she's now our mole in Moscow,
She called me just a few hours ago
and provided me with some astounding intelligence
concerning all the radio beacons that are now hidden in Blekinge archipelago,
which you now have to clean up,
-What are you saying? -Oh, yes,
Us sheep farmers, we stick together, you see?
She also mentioned something about a gas pipeline along the seabed,
How about it?
What do you say we discuss this over a nice lunch at my favorite restaurant?
Well, thank you, I wouldn't say no to that,
[ringing tone]
[woman] This is Operakällaren,
This is Prime Minister Thorbjörn Fälldin, I was wondering, what's today's special?
[woman] Today's special is a cured leg of lamb,
[Thorbjörn] Well, that will be perfect, We will be two,
We're on it, recording everything as always,
-[woman] Welcome, -[Thorbjörn] Thank you,
[slurping]
[sighs]
[inhales] The flag?
Yup, it's down,
[knocking]
Do you or I get it?
Both,
-Yeah, -Yeah,
Björklund! It's sure been a while,
Harry, Gustav,
The hammer,
Right,
Want a cup of coffee?
Well,,, Spiked,
I've got that sorted already,
I brought some whiskey,
Have you got any ice?
Sure, come in, come in,