♪ Mysterious instrumental music ♪
♪ Tempo picks up ♪
♪ Music becomes more chaotic ♪
♪ Ominous sounding music ♪
♪ Suspenseful music continues ♪
♪ Pink panther- suspense type music ♪
♪ Suspense music continues ♪
♪ Uptempo Agatha Christie style suspense music ♪
The day ended like any other day, traffic from hell
after another dreary temp job, Accountant temp work is
a long slow death,
Windowless rooms, mindless data entry,
and rooms with no heat, I'm not a vampire,
Accountants are not faceless drones,
Though to be honest, the clowns they signed me to today
were a bunch of lifeless number crunching zombies,
Oh well, home again, home again, chickity chick,
♪ Mysterious music ♪
Home, be grateful for what you have, that's what I say,
Hi sweetie, watch the plastic,
Honey, what are you doing?
I couldn't just sit around anymore,
so I had to do something,
You're repainting the house,
I'm not so sure paint's gonna help this place,
Still got a lot of prep work and taping to do,
how was your day?
It was fine, any luck on your end?
Nothing, no, no meetings,
Uh, your brother called,
What did Charlie want?
What he always wants, another conspiracy story,
I hope he's not back together with Vanessa again,
She's not as weird as the last one,
True, she was a tramp,
The word is skank, Shell, he's too odd for a tramp,
Anyway he said he couldn't make dinner
tomorrow something about a meeting or something,
Hmm,
And so all was normal,
Bill half reading, half watching his geek show
on some Roman legion blah diddy blah, that's my man,
One of these days I'll have to call the cable company,
They cancelled our service but never actually turned it off,
Eh, screw em,
He hadn't written a note in so long,
Bill was such a romantic before the job trouble,
"Roses are red, violets are blue, we maybe poor"
but I so love you, yours through eternity, Bill,
Aw, I love it Bill, thank you,
I love you too,
We're gonna work through this, just like everything else,
And I know your next job is right around the corner,
You are too good at what you do for it not to be,
Hey did you get the detergent?
♪ Dance club music ♪
Hey, you think I should get one of these?
What? What are they hawking now?
Waiting for it's next meal,
Do something, be the hunter, with hunter's friend,
the all new, all natural, and all organic male enhancement
from Somoco Inc,
Bill you hunt just fine,
Did you get the, uh,,,
Detergent, yeah it's on the washer,
Like I said, same old, same old,
♪ Upbeat plucky music ♪ We're connected,
we finish each other sentences,
nothing could keep us apart,
Damn spiders!
Ugh! I hate creepy things, Bill,
Yeah, I'll clean that up,
♪ Mysterious instrumental music ♪
Amazing how fast eight years goes by,
♪ Mysterious music ♪
Honey, can you go check the backdoor, see if it's locked?
I think there's some kids out there or something,
Okay,
Probably another opossum, don't worry sweetie,
I got this,
Turn over, you're snoring again,
Bill?
Ah!
Here's a tip, someone breaks into your house,
the first thing you grab shouldn't be a puzzle box,
No one is afraid of puzzles, anyway I keep going,
I figure a stupid homeless dude broke in for food
or the flat screen, And that's when I see them,
I look down, it's Bill!
You ever have a dream where you try to scream
but nothing comes out, Bill lay dead,
He killed him with our only decent carving knife,
♪ Tense music ♪
It keeps coming so fast!
It was like a deranged shark,
Everything blurred as I passed out, but I swear
I thought I saw him take a bite of the brain,
Each side found itself trapped,
After several weeks of skirmishes and faltering end
runs, the southern forces began to rally
on the night of the ninth,
Bill?
By morning, the northern generals realized
they were facing possible defeat,
Beginning with a volley of cannon fire,
Can you close the blinds Shell?
You've been a busy bee, look at this place,
Can you turn off the lights, I'm just so tired,
Aw, of course you are sweetie, what time did you wake up?
I had the craziest dream last night,
I-uh-It's more of a nightmare really, I never have nightmares,
Last night you were dead and I- Ooh,,,
Boy, I need some coffee and aspirin bad,
You want me to make you some?
Mm,
Crazy stuff,
♪ Mysterious music ♪
Bill, why did you?
Bill, sweetie?
We gotta talk,
Bill, wake up,
Bill, oh my God, get up Bill,
You're hurt, oh my God, Bill, wake up we're gonna take
you to the hospital, please don't die on me baby,
You're so cold, oh my God,
I'm so-, in-, see and-, oh - ♪light music ♪
Oh hi, Shell,
Hi
I'm so tired, what time is it?
Oh right, yeah I think I can explain that,
it's all a little blurry but,,,
Honey, you look like crap,
and that wound is horrible what happened?
Oh this, it doesn't really hurt or anything,
But, I am quite tired,
You're so cold, I mean really really cold,
No, no, no it's okay I'm fine, no blanket,
Maybe just some hydrogen peroxide or something for this,
Maybe the Jenson's dog bit me,
I'm pretty sure that's a-
-a human tooth,
Your wound looks really bad, it's gonna need stitches,
Let's go to the ER,
On a Sunday, it'll be a horror show, weirdos,,,
And doctors we can afford, let's go,
Okay, I'm gonna need a minute,
♪ Mysterious music ♪
Bill?
I ate him for you,
I could've sworn I killed him,
and that's when I called you,
Okay, I thought that you were making this up,
but he's actually sucking the thumb,
Do you have any rope, duct tape, a machete?
I should get his C-PAP mask,
His sleep apnea is not the issue,
He could die in his sleep,
Shelly, he's sucking a thumb that isn't his,
Yes, yes but,,,
Where is the rest of the corpse?
That's a good question,
All I found was a suit, no bones no blood,
no wallet, nothing, but I did find this,
Okay, that is disgusting,
Guy never brushed,
Okay, when he wakes up we are going straight to the hospital,
Yeah and then they ask what happened and call the police
and he goes to jail for murder,
Cannibalism as self defense,
Semantics,
No it's like stand your ground, only eat your ground,
Okay, with no body once he's done with dessert, he's clear,
And then what, I tell the doctor that he got bit by a dog
or an opossum?
Shelly, this bastard was trying to kill you, okay?
Bill was just protecting his wife,
He ripped the guys brain out and ate it,
I saw him,
I need a drink,
Oh shit!
This guy just tried to eat me, did you see
this bastard is trying to eat me,
Dear, dear wake up dear come on,
I seem to have fallen asleep again,
Jesus, it smells like you ate the ass end of a cow Bill,
No, a banker I think,
Don't,,, Don't worry guys I'm really feeling much better,
like I just drank 10 Red Bulls, I feel invigorated, strong,
You also smell strong honey, so why don't you go
take a shower and we can talk about why you ate a banker
when you're clean,
Oh, uhf, yeah that's not right, ugh,
I'll be back,
I'll take that dear, oh!
I warned you about marrying him,
Oh there's a little bit of banker still back there,
There we are,
He saved my life, that is love,
Twisted sure, but love,
Shelly, what are you doing?
Okay, Looks good, that looks good, alright I got this,
Cleaning is not the answer,
He's obviously just fine,
Listen, he's humming, what sick man hums in the shower?
Ow, Hey, ow, Jesus,
honey did you turn the water heater up?
Wow this water is crazy hot,
No dear, you okay?
Yeah, I'll be fine,
Uh, a little early for that don't you think?
You know, you better double bag that,
you don't want the neighbor's dog getting after it,
So he got a little hungry,
Yeah,
finger licking good,
Funny,
Okay, so it wasn't a dream, that guy really did attack me,
Shelly stop look, this is what happened okay?
Some ass wipe busts into your house and jumps you
alright, the blood, Bill ripping the guys brains out
and eating them,
no, stop, that never happened,
Look, okay,
Bill despite being a lazy ass, jumped the guy,
Ok, Cuts his hand off, and then you know just used it
as a chew toy,
Oh god,
Okay but the dream is just your PTSD dealing with
seeing all this shit alright?
Now there's some naked one handed weirdo
running around town,
Right, a naked one handed man,
You can't explain this away,
I don't know, what-
Bill's subconscious told him to eat it?
What are you trying to say,
you trying to say Bill's a cannibal?
Die you piece of shit!
It did happen, it did it did!
I told you, Bill is a cannibal!
No, Bill is not a cannibal,,,
he's a zombie,
Light,
I am damn hungry though?
Sweetie, we got any meat, I feel like meat,
Ever have a craving for meat?
Man I could eat a moose,
Beer, yes,
Ah, hot, hot it burns, these are spicy,
I think they've gone bad,
Oh god beer's gone bad too, yuck,
Ah, maybe just some meat,
Yeah,
Bill, that is raw sausage,
Okay now that's gross,
Why don't you go put some clothes on
and we can figure out what to do, okay?
That is disgusting, you need to get him
to a doctor,
Or one of those guys in the white hazmat anthrax suits,
I can hear you Carrie, I am standing right here,
♪ Plucky music ♪
I'm fine, I'm just gonna turn on the history channel
and watch the Nazis lose again,
According to the science channel,
nerves can stay alive for days,
Shelly, I think he was bit okay?
That means he's infected as well,
A cannibalism virus, that's SciFi channel,
or Fox news,
What, what are you gonna say?
We've got this murderous hand
we're just shoving into the disposal?
Well then what do we do, we should call someone?
No,
You called me, okay, that's as far as this goes,
What are you gonna do, call the police, yeah right?
I don't know Carrie,
Hey!
We quit together, remember?
Tummy,
Okay, that's it, done, no evidence, no nothing alright?
Uh huh, Deal?
Uh huh,
Valium's still in the bathroom?
Upper cabinet left,
♪ Scary dramatic music ♪
The mission was a complete success
thus ensuring the destruction of the Nazi rail gun
and the threat to England and it's allies,
Join us next week as we explore how the Allies
broke the enigma code and how a single spy named Garbo
deceived the entire Third Reich on the beaches of Normandy,
♪ Upbeat Pink Panther type music ♪
Hey, what happens next?
We're out of raw meat and Jimmy Deans,
I'm fine, just tired is all,
I know what I am,
We are all animals deep down and last night,
when our lives were on the line I went primal,
Just total caveman, that's it, yeah,
it's the true caveman diet,
Yeah, is that uh, is that National Geographic,
or was that like Discovery Channel diet?
I'm serious, someone was attacking my woman,
My woman, so I took them out, bam,
Yeah, more like chomp chomp, where's the ketchup,
It's not funny,
It's okay, go ahead and laugh, I know who I am,
No one touches my baby,
No one,
You're really cold,
Jesus, you're sticky and clammy too,
No, stop it, you guys are the ones that are hot,
Your hands are scalding, What?
Just stay there, I'm getting the thermometer,
Well,
Whoa, whoa, take it easy tiger,
I'm fine,
Aren't you doctor mommy?
I think it's broken
Here let me,,, Let me see, You try,
I don't,
We're going to the ER right now,
Poison!
Spit it out, spit it out!
Ah! Hot, hot, it burns,
Carrie go get the ipecac, it's on the top shelf
next to the Valium,
Got it,
Don't swallow, just rinse,
Oh, honey!
Oh god, too hot, too hot, what was that?
Jesus Shelly, no more water,
It's straight from the tap,
See it's just fine,
Ah Jesus,
Ah,,, That's better,
Shelly I couldn't find it,
It's in the, uh,,, Fine you watch him,
♪ Ominous organ music ♪
Carrie, guys I'll be right there,
Bill!
No, no eating Carrie, oh my god, oh god,
No, bad, did you do this?
No, no she fell,
I swear I don't know what came over me,
I'm just so damn hungry,
She was lying there bleeding and I just,,,
- Hello? - Hello,
Hello,
This is a courtesy call from your gas company,
Without further payment, your service at one, one, four
south milo street will be,,,
That sucks,
Carrie, easy,
You were going to eat my brains,
No I was a little out of my mind, I was just so hungry,
You expecting someone?
No, Shelly, tell them we're eating,
Okay,
I know you're home guys, come on, I have a key remember,
Don't make me call the sheriff,
Just pay the rent,
I'm sorry, I'm indisposed,
Don't make me call the sheriff, just pay the rent,
Any part of the rent, You're three months back,
You were trying to break into our home,
No, well yes,
The lease says I can for just cause,
So just let me in Ms, Sampler,
Guys, go hide, I'll handle this,
But we don't have the money,
Don't look at me,
Carrie, wipe your nose,
And Bill, your ear is leaking,
You guys, go, go, go, go go!
Alright, I'm calling the sheriff,
I'm sorry for the delay Mr, Scourge,
I had to get presentable,
I know we owe you a little money,
Yuck, what are you doing?
Who said you could paint?
There goes the security deposit,
What we have here Ms, Sampler is an impasse
that can only be resolved with the payment of money,
You're coming in here to steal something weren't you?
You're not a nice man,
I'm not the thief here,
I pay my bills, it's time for you to pay your rent or else,
On Friday you're gonna be four months behind,
N-No, Uh,,,
Y-you said three months a-and we don't have it Marvin,
May I call you Marvin?
No, no you may not call me Marvin,
Fine, fine, maybe we can make a deal,
Do you have any gold, jewelry, maybe an expensive watch?
Where's your husband?
No he's out on business all day, making money,
Oh yeah, you know a little makeup - you could be
a very pretty woman, you know you got this little
naughty librarian thing going on,
I find it very intriguing,
Uh,,, Okay you need to go now,
Like you said, I'm not a nice man,
And I'm not leaving 'til I get something,
I'll write you a check, post dated,
No, I'd rather collect now,
Whoa, looky here,
Why would you hold out on me?
That's not-uh,
There's enough money here to cover your rent,
So we just have to deal with the late penalty charges,
we can barter for those,
No, hey, hey, get-get off of me,
Nobody touches my wife,
Honey, honey- you just ate a guy,
Close your eyes baby,
that much meat would make anybody sleepy,
Always liked Italian,
Your husband just ate a man in like 10 seconds,
He is impressive, sanitize when you're done,
that's a food prep area,
I deserve a cut of that, this is gonna scar me for life,
There's mouthwash under the sink,
Six hundred, 20, 40, you might want to floss,
♪ Tense music ♪
I shoved both bags to the bottom,
Dumpster was full,
I feel filthy,
I think we need to face facts,
Yeah,
We need to call the cops,
Bill is a zombie,
Carrie what do I do?
We tie him up and we get help,
He's the love of my life,
He's sick,
He protected me,
Shelly he eats people,
like-like,,, really fast and licks his fingers,
And the rent is taken care of maybe forever,
He ate the landlord before he went to the bank,
I don't think that counts,
Good point, I'll make a deposit in the morning,
Shelly you,,, you are married to the living dead,
He's a zombie or a cannibal, either way this is wrong,
And you're the zombie expert,
What are we gonna do when he attacks us?
That is impossible, Bill would never touch me,
We have been together since the seventh grade,
Okay, this is gonna be really hard for you
but we have to drive a stake through his heart,
That's vampires!
Okay, then we gotta crush him in a printing press,
or chop off his head, I don't know,
Ew and that's robots, and I will not kill Bill,
Put the mace down,
Do you think the Rolex is real?
No, Hmm,
Okay there could be more zombies coming right now,
I mean this-this could be like a whole zombie invasion,
No those diamonds are real,
Well whatever the case, Bill is our protector,
He is my zombie bodyguard,
Yeah, until he's hungry again,
Okay I'm telling you this right now,
I'm not going to be someone's last supper,
Carrie, I married him for better or for worse,
that means whether he has the flu
or the hunger or something gross like that skin
rotting off disease,
Ebola?
My husband is in there, and when he wakes,
♪ mysterious music ♪ he's gonna want to eat,
I'll be right back,
♪ Upbeat dance music ♪
Alright, there you go,
Thank you Jack, you guys are a lifesaver,
seriously though,
No problem,
May I help you with your meat?
'Scuse me?
Don't often see a milf like you
on a Sunday buying so much meat,
A what? Who even says that? I'm not even a,,,
None of your damn business,
I find a few gray hairs on a woman sexy,
Really?
Think you could satisfy a deep animal hunger,
or are you just a flabby hunk of meat?
Are you some kind of freak?
What no, I,,,
Yes,
Yes I am,
And I need to feed a deep hunger,
♪ Upbeat suspense music ♪
Bill?
Oh hey, Tex, take it easy there,
I'm gonna go freshen up,
I see your husband isn't home,
My husband, how did you know I was, oh,
Or maybe he is home, and likes to watch?
I'm a modern guy, we can even take turns if you like,
Look this is a big mistake,
Oh no mistake,
♪ Scary, dramatic music ♪
Yeah, mistake,
Bill, honey when you're done, put the clothes and stuff
on the table, and can you please fold it this time?
Oh, and I bought you these!
Who's is that?
Nobody's!
Oh Jesus, not another one,
There's nothing to worry about,
Oh there's something to worry about,
Freak bit me when I fell down,
Bill, you bit another woman!
Come on sweetheart, I,,, oh wow that is pretty deep,
It wasn't me, sweetie it wasn't my fault,
♪ Mysterious serene music with body crunches in background ♪
Great, now Carrie's the living dead,
God damn it Bill, she was my best friend,
Honey, honey, it was a nothing bite,
She's not my type, come on pumpkin,
Anyone else that you've bitten and forgot
to tell me about?
I've only been a zombie since last night,
What it's a good cut,
What is it, what do you guys have some sort of
dog hearing now?
Yeah,
It's like a weird,,,
They're calling us,
Who's calling, I don't hear anything,
The zombies,
They're calling out,
Lock the doors, we've got company coming,
So what do we do now?
We sit quietly and hope they move on,
I smell at least 10,
At least,
You can smell them too?
It's a cross between smell and hear,
Yeah one bite and you can smell too,
I'm good,
Ah, way,,, way too hot sweetie,
I'm getting sleepy,
Well, you ate all the food she bought,
you should be in a meat coma,
You ate all the steaks,
I was hungry,
Call Larry's,
Meat pizzas?
Meat pizza delivery men,
No, and besides, Larry's only uses delivery girls,
This whole eating other women thing
is really making me uncomfortable,
You want me to eat men?
Hm,
Wait, where are you going?
My husband and my best friend are hungry,
Call Charlie,
No, you are not eating my brother,
No, he could help us, he's into all that
government cover up, UFO conspiracy crap,
maybe he knows something about this,
About zombie cannibalism conspiracy,
We're not zombies, this is something else,
He's right, Zombies are mindless flesh eating zombies,
but you guys aren't mindless,
Except when we eat,
My brother will know what to do,
Charlie, Shelly, yeah, listen I need you to get,
get down here asap, yes it's an emergency,
And I need you to bring meat, Uh,,, bring 20 steaks no, no, no
40, 40 steaks big ones, yes, yes,
And it's an emergency, chop, chop,
I need you to get down here, I have cash, yes, yes,
No it's not a party, it's serious,
Oh, you guys eat brains right?
Bring some calf brains,
Shoot, he hung up,
Okay, I am going to go powder my nose
and you guys guard the house,
Put the couch back, I am not living this way
zombies or no zombies,
♪ Tense music ♪
I will not live this paranoid life,
Everything has to stay normal,
You think you have it bad?
My body's so cold I could chill a beer with my tits,
If I had any,
What we need is a doctor or a specialist
or one of those guys from the government, the CDC,
Yeah, Yeah, I've been vegan for five years
and I just ate a calf,
It's like this uncontrollable,
Charlie better get here soon,
Okay guys I'm gonna say it again,
I think that we should go to the ER and just risk it,
Yeah we got to the ER, we're unnoticed, we have cash,
we'll have a snack,
What?
We'll only eat the dead ones,
When I was eating that guy, I felt strong,
The hunger makes you feel like
you're all steroids and power, unstoppable,
Yeah, Charlie better get here soon,
Fine what we need is a distraction,
Oh, I know what,
I won again!
Is that actually working for you?
Oh, It's meat-ish parts,
Charlie!
I told you he'd make it,
Hello, I'd like to tell you about something
that could change your,,,
Dear, it's men, salesmen,
Mormons, should I invite them for dinner?
Mormons, very clean,
Organic,
Hey, sorry, sorry I'm late,
I, uh, I got everything you asked for,
Sorry fellas we'll have you for dinner another time,
So hopefully this will be enough,
Whoa, what the hell?
How much do I owe you?
250 plus gas and what the fuck?
290 actually with taxes an-and mileage, 300 is easier,
300 is easier,
Or 350 if you include snacks and whatnot,
definitely had snacks,
And then Carrie started eating raw meat,
and that was it,
Now you tell me this is a curable African heart of
darkness amazon river zombie infection virus thing right?
Well they're not eating the styrofoam so it's not Pika,
It was very smart of you to call me first, not the cops,
I mean this is the hallmark of the agency all over it,
Then you know what this is?
Probably, yeah, my sources hear things,
Some outbreaks here and there,
a couple of CDC coverups in Seattle and Chicago,
This isn't swine flu,
Or that that Stica,
Zika, no, this is night of the living dead
That is to say, private sector, that is to say, the government
covering up it's ass,
Come on Charlie,
This is what I do, alright, I am a geek for this shit,
The geek, and now you two and my sister, this is so cool,
We might need to cut their heads off,
No! What?
Honey, put the plastic in the recycling,
You can't recycle styrofoam,
Yes you can,
No you can't, Shell but it doesn't matter,
I feel like we have two options here,
Either we blow this thing wide open or we run,
Now what happened to the infector?
The what?
The infector, the originator, the prime,
the one that bit Bill,
We uh,
We disposed of it,
Okay, do you have anything left, a finger?
Not so much,
Fine, how long between feedings?
I don't know, they ate before I called you
but they seem to be getting hungrier now,
faster for sure,
Okay, you come with me,
There's some kind of an antidote,
or an antivirus thing right?
Okay, um no, we need to cut their heads off
before the next feeding,
My husband and my best friend are in that room,
no head cutting off,
There has to be something else,
Okay, okay, okay, I'm gonna go back to my place,
get some supplies and some notes, my research,
I'm taking Carrie with me,
Why?
Zombie bodyguard to fight against Zombies,
and men in black,
We gotta fight fire with fire,
I mean we don't know who else is infected out there,
Carrie, you're coming with me,
Sis, lock up behind us, and if Bill gets hungry,
No!
Then you need to find an overnight butcher that delivers,
Let's go,
Carrie, no eating Charlie, he's our only hope right now,
I'm so tired, why am I going with the geek?
You're the muscle,
♪ Ominous music ♪
They're out there, not moving, still,
Sweetie, you have any, want me to make you something?
Not much of an appetite, thanks,
I don't hear anything Bill,
It's like they're sleeping,
quiet,
Right, the sleeping dead,
We are gonna get through this together,
Charlie, he's going to figure this out, he's has a lot of,,,
He's an idiot,
He's gonna come back, no, only Carrie's coming back,
Bill, we are not gonna fall into negativity,
This is hard enough without those,
I am not gonna fall,,,
We are going to be alright,
We can do this,
Yes, Charlie's gonna come back,
We will get through this, we will work it out,
I'm sure he's got a geek buddy that knows a guy,
that knows a guy,
All we have to do is love each other,
Ow, shit you're so hot,
You're so cold,
Maybe, ♪ Emotional music ♪
I know, yeah, kinky right?
The glove is fine,
Just being careful, See?
Yeah,
We may not have another moment like this, alone I mean,
I love you so much,
I guess I am hungry,
We can order in, you don't want to cook in this kitchen
anyway, we'll call Larry's,
Sure, but,,,
this is not gonna be our last night together,
Ah, a little hot,
It's just the nose, yeah that's better,
♪ Upbeat mysterious music ♪
Ah, you're a reader, derivative,
What, you read Isaacs?
It's nothing original, What? A girl can't read?
No I just never pegged you as uh,,,
A reader?
Don't pretend to know me conspiracy boy,
You mind if I look around?
Sure, mi casa es su casa,
Have any snacks?
So what exactly are we looking for?
I have notes on a program called Y38,
it's a subprogram of MK Ultra,
I'm a zombie because the CIA used LSD on hippies
40 years ago,
Not at all, it's a sister program,
♪ Scary music ♪
Okay, I have all beef hotdogs in the fridge,
Okay, continue with your weird ideas,
Okay, so not for sure but this has to do with spores,
See in the spring especially after a long hot winter,
thank you global warming, proceeded by extreme fire
seasons, we get this kind of an event, see, that we're
in right here,
What full moons or sun spots?
Exactly, that's the key,
Sunspots? Yeah, so we get these
dust storms off the Sahara that go across the Atlantic,
ergo higher hurricane seasons,
Well that would be great, it would clear it out,
Right, but that didn't happen so here we are,
In your apartment,
No, Sutters Mill, spring of '91, the Waco coverups,
Waco was a bunch of religious nuts,
Air France plane landing in Brazil,
Everything destroyed, nothing recovered,
Why, because they were already dead,
This goes way back,
Bombay, India '42 there's a huge outbreak
then flooding covers thousands,
that is how the spores get spread,
But one infected survives, he stows away to Europe,
German scientists capture him then after World War II,
we get the scientists, then we make our own lab
and bingo, it's simple stuff,
Hey that's my survival,
Yeah it is, never mind, you enjoy,
Uhm, so with your case it probably started with that lab
in Ames, they have really lousy security,
everybody knows that,
You come prepared, impressive,
Boy scout,
Girl scout, special ops, Marine,
Semper Fi, alright that means that you get to carry
the heavy one,
Right, zombie marine, that's really, oh, I actually have
to get something hold on,
Hey, so I figure we ditch Burbank,
and then we can just take the five
♪ ominous music ♪ up towards Sacramento,
There should be plenty of places for you to feed up there,
Then once we take it on that way,
And the zombie ex-marine is staring at me,
Explain, now,
Okay, that's not literal, like obviously
that's not literal, this is, just, okay so hypothetically
yes, but honestly that's more for like mummy living dead
than it is like zombie living dead,
Like clearly I didn't, that's not for you,
I would never do that to you, you're too beautiful,
Let's get back,
Good, good plan, You know,,,
Hey, we can stop by a butcher along the way
and just get you a snack or whatever,
Honey?
Yes?
Sweetie,
What dear?
We need to talk,
I'm right here dear,
I think we need to,
What dear?
We need to,
We need to what?
We need to get a plan, like a really good plan,
First of all, I will not have you going around
eating people all willy nilly,
Besides being gross, we can get into a lot of trouble,
This is all new territory for me,
There's gotta be better ways to attack your hunger,
What we need is appetite control,
It's an animal thing,
♪ Upbeat music ♪
Roar, Roar,
Uh, I'm not sure now is the best time to,
Mm hmm, look at that, seems like nature has other plans,
No biting,
Seriously,
I'm gonna bite you,
♪ Shots of my fire water ♪
♪ In the morning with my perfect hangover ♪
One, two, three, four, five pizzas,
Salami,
Oh, just the one had cheese huh?
Yes ma'am, don't get much call for that,
You throw interesting parties,
It's an Andrew Zimba bizarre parties,
But ma'am you forgot your change,
Just keep it,
Good, good, brains, want some brains?
No thank you, you enjoy really,
What is it Bill, is it bad brains?
Oh no, use this,
It's the meat, it burns,
Try some liver,
No, no cow parts, I need brains, human brains,
No Bill, fight it, damn it, hold on,
I'm sorry, there was one more,,,
♪ See the true color ♪
♪ I don't think I can get enough ♪
♪ You're my perfect hangover ♪
Yeah, pizza girl, not a chance,
♪ You're my perfect hangover ♪
So Shelly, how was your weekend?
Oh you know, same old same old, had some friends for dinner
at least my husband did,
My husband, the man I married, the love of my life,
likes to eat human brains, who knew,
Bill! Bill wake up there's another one,
Come on it's us!
Shelly let us in,
Hey sis, made it as quick as we could,
We don't have much time,
But,
Yeah we'll we're being watched,
There's two guys in a car across the street,
Agency moves fast,
We need to get her fed as soon as possible and,,,
Hey pizza,
Ooh, brains and liver,
Wait did Bill eat the pizza girl,
she was cute,
She was an orphan, don't worry about it,
They'll be back and I'll be ready,
Okay, machete boy, put that away,
You said agents, what agents?
There's only three types of people out there, now,
One, the zombies, two, the agents who hunt the zombies,
And three?
The food, us, humanity, the food,
Put that away,
Fine, I'll do Bill, you do Carrie,
What, the salami wasn't good enough for them?
He tried, but all of the meats made him sick,
I see,
Okay well then he's advanced farther than I thought,
See, the virus mutates his whole system
until he becomes full zombie,
I thought, well, I hoped that it would be a 72 hour cycle,
but he's now progressed to the point where he can't
digest anything other than human flesh,
So we're in real trouble,
♪ Intense music ♪
Ew, it's sausage casing, Ugh,,,
When they eat, they're mindless, they're like sharks,
I'm so tired,
Charlie, take her to the bedroom,
What is it the girl scouts now?
Shelly?
We can to this the hard way that's up to you,
We know about the landlord, I have a warrant,
Where are you, where's the warrant?
This isn't a warrant,
Read, all of it,
What kind of FBI agents dress like Mormons,
Where's your bible?
Well come in then,
So, where's your husband?
Ah ha,
He sure is a sound sleeper,
This says that you have presidential authority,,,
To acquire, restrain and detain with prejudice,
Deny nothing, we know everything,
We know about the dead delivery girl too,
What a waste,
Look this is about survival, you want to live
you'll do exactly as I say,
No, no, no she'll do nothing of the sort,
I know who you are,
And look, you even match, that's so cute isn't it Shell?
Hm, and we know you, Charles Benjamin Ford,
College dropout, conspiracy blogger,
fired by Best Buy for using store computers
to hack the NSA,
Is that where you got the big screen TV?
Not the time Shell, super not the time,
A lie is a lie Mr, Ford,
Look I expose agents like you online every day,
Alright so what's the lame name of your crappy
black ops operation,
I think he said FBI,
I don't think he said anything,
We didn't say FBI,
Look, this right here, this is straight off
an HP color printer, fake,
So who are you guys anyways,
Beat 'em,
Which one you want me to start with?
Start with the female,
Oh god what is wrong with you guys?
Hm, must be that one,
Winner winner chicken dinner,
Come on zombie, there you go, come on that's right,
Come to daddy,
Come on!
What did you do to Charlie!
Oh come on, it's just a few thousand patriotic volts,
He's gonna be fine,
Back off!
Hm, Stockholm syndrome,
No Bill stop it!
There you go,
Bill!
He's a zombie ma'am, what am I gonna do, kill him?
He's already dead!
You should thank us, it was only a matter of time,
We're gonna take him to some place safe,
Watch your hands,
No,
♪ Upbeat music ♪
I'll cut your head off, bitch,
Carrie! Nobody calls my friend a bitch,
I hope you like barbecue!
They just don't carry much cash around huh?
Yeah well, I feel like moneys probably not an issue
now that you know, we, they killed two federal agents,
What federal agents?
I don't know what you're talking about,
You know, phones can be traced on or off
as long as the battery is still in,
Really, NSA,
Semper Fi who ha,
Blank cards, are they credit card thieves?
I don't know,
Probably opens some unmarked door in some unmarked office
in the basement of an incredibly dangerous building,
I don't know, he was a spook, a spy,
Was he some sort of a Bourne dude?
You know this isn't over yet, right?
Okay, well what do we do?
Well what do we know?
Well, they knew about the whole zombie thing
before they got here,
Right, I mean Jesus, look at their weapon of choice,
You know, Shell we probably don't have all that much time
so I need you to think,
Have you seen anyone who looks like those guys
around the neighborhood over the last couple of days?
You mean Mormons?
Well,
I thought you were done with those,
Just two,
And under the present circumstances,
I think I have earned these,
Think I've earned it too,
Apparently zombies have a hard time with doorknobs,
Oh my god! Oh, I know what this is!
They want an army of undead killers that you can't kill!
All of the rumors are true,
Man that taser really takes it out of you,
Oh, you must be starving dear,
Here let me get you that brain the agents brought,
You want me to heat that up for you,
♪ Upbeat mysterious music ♪
♪ Plucky music ♪
I thought I heard somebody at the back door earlier,
More agents?
No, zombie, agents prefer the front door,
You're just gonna eat that,
Mm, I can share,
No, thank you,
I'll take some,
Oh, my little sleeping beauty awakes, I got you,
You know you guys are so cool for putting up with us,
I gotta say when I was lying there, half electrocuted
to death on the ground watching you devour that guy,
it was uh,,, pretty gross,
I thought you were amazing and strong and fast
and oh my god please get that out of my face,
that is a human brain,
Zombie, big one,
I just figured you could eat it when you woke, dear,
Right,
I got this,
I'll tenderize him, you eat him?
Uhn-Uhn,,, You enjoy your brains, we got this,
♪ Upbeat tense music ♪
That's my man,
Charlie, I gotta say, in the past I always thought
you were kind of a,,,
Crazy person, like a nut job?
Yeah, let's go with that,
Guys?
Watch the potted plants please,
Oh my god, that was just incredible,
Nicely done,
That last one tasted like chicken,
Guys, I have a plan,
Let's get Carrie,
Okay, we all know that the buzz in the chatrooms
was aliens, then ISIS, then NSA, but everybody was wrong,
it's you guys, it's zombies,
This was your cover story,
mad cow disease in Wyoming last month,
One of you guys must've gotten out,
Wyoming? None of us have ever been
to Wyoming,
Look, I was a vegetarian until Bill bit me, okay
I mean the occasional double cheeseburger if I was drunk,
but,,, a vegetarian,
Okay, stay with me, I mean that a zombie
got out or a lab tech was bit or whatever okay?
But now it's spreading,
You were bit, and then you bit her and then who knows
how many the original bit,
Okay whatever, what's the cure?
There is no cure for dead,
Then where are you going with this?
You were right when you said Bourne dudes earlier,
but imagine an army of Zombie Bourne dudes,
Alright, no way, I'm gonna be an undead killer for anyone,
Alright, I already served my country,
I'm confused, I know we're zombies when we eat but
now I feel normal,
Cold, and a lot stronger, but normal,
My guess is that the designer virus blends with your DNA,
but stay with me, a secret army of undead troops
who can march into a firefight and before CNN gets shot one,
Bam! They've killed and eaten the enemy,
Then that's what we do,
♪ Upbeat rock music ♪ Bill you grab the plastic,
Charlie the duct tape,
Carrie, get dolled up we're having guests for dinner,
This one looks absolutely delicious,
The nerd is mine,
50, 150, 200,
Look at this cheap bastard, one debit card
and a Subway coupon,
Oh, feel this leather, oh wait? Uh-huh,
Uh-huh,
Oh, Bill you guys almost done in there?
Oh god, I'm so tired, so full,
Take the bedroom, you know the drill,
I want my 25 percent of that,
Yeah, yeah, I'm tapping one of us,
I don't know about this plan,
How do we know when we got them all?
Smell,
You said you can smell them, so smell them,
Anything?
No,
Nothing, sorry,
Yep, that was bad, sorry, I'm gonna go brush,
You know the two of you are heroes,
Saving the world from a zombie apocalypse,
They might even do a special on you guys
on one of your History Channel shows,
Maybe we should film this, make a documentary,
Post it online, no, it would attract too much attention,
You already killed two federal agents,
You mean ate,
What do you think, Mormons or zombies?
Jehovah's witnesses,
We're overdue,
I got it,
Be careful dear,
Whoa, you zapped the Jehovahs,
Oh no way guys I'm full, Bill you gotta take these,
They're not even zombies,
No, ID says Homeland Security,
Would you look at this,
Mission authorized capture prime Bill Sampler,
terminate remaining brood, cut off heads as necessary,
Guys, they're just gonna keep coming,
We have to run,
They're not taking me alive,
Or dead,
Why does it say prime Bill Sampler?
I always knew you were special,
Start talking agent double O lunch,
Careful, you're next,
Excuse me, we haven't met yet, I'm Shelly Sampler,,,
We know who you are and we know he's the zombie prime,
Why do you keep calling me the zombie prime?
Because you're the prime,
Prime what, prime suspect?
Agent Morse, serial number 4196770,
We're not talking zombie, you're getting nothing,
You will,
Let's go Carrie, you earned desert tonight!
You zombie lovers make me sick, I'm cutting all your
mother f'ing heads off,
Bon apetite Carrie,
Say nothing Baxter!
I don't talk to zombie lovers,
You already are now what's your name,
Enough, enough already,
Then talk already, relief is just a squirt away,
What are you guys, some kind of zombie lesbians?
She your zombie death partner?
I'm a meat eater,
Baxter, agent Baxter 147 okay, okay,
I work for,,,
Next dear,
Alright, it's your turn to talk,
How'd this all start?
I'm not talking,
Fine, where shall I bite first,
Alright,
It started when Baxter fed him late,
the cell was open and Norris got out,
Norris who?
Edgar Norris, the prime, well,,, the second prime zombie,
Youngstown, Ohio, the banker you ate,
The zombie that bit me?
The prime's name was Edgar,
Yes well Betabrude's first prime was lieutenant Sullivan,
but he escaped and bit the banker,
And then you cut off Sullivan's head,
Crushed in an industrial press,
Huh, Schwarzenegger fan,
So now you're the prime,
The prime, the boss, the big cheese,
You're the prime infector,
Ketchup stains are so brutal,
They tortured me, She grabbed my,,,
She was gonna eat my johnson,
Baxter you sweat like a little girl,
She grabbed my balls hard,
She got you to talk,
I thought you were hurt,
Oh yeah?
Oh no stop, oh just stop,
I'm taking you back dead or alive,
Nobody kills my brother-in-law, again,
I saw we eat them now,
Keep it together soldier,
Come on, Semper Fi!
Semper Fi,
Take them to the bathroom,
♪ Cheerful music ♪
Now be good or breakfast will come sooner
than you think,
It's ketchup!
You hear anything out there?
Good, then sleep my dear,
We're gonna have to kill them,
Maybe for the good of everyone, I should surrender
and you guys can get your lives back,
No, I will not let them turn you into some sort of
a CIA Bourne of the dead assassin,
Well then we're gonna have to run,
I pay my taxes, this is my house, I am not going anywhere,
Shelly, you're broke, you're halfway towards eviction,
and this isn't going to cover four people on the run,
What I mean is, that I am a US citizen, and I, we have rights,
Are the dead considered citizens?
Alright well then we're gonna have to make a deal,
What kind of deal?
In any negotiation, you wanna have bargaining power,
Huh,
Nobody knows we're here, their feed cycles almost up,
We're lunch!
You are a useless wimp,
Oh my god, oh a little girl squeezed my tiny little penis,
You have no idea how strong that female zombie was,
You are a useless, you're a pinko, commie sissy,
We need to talk to them and negotiate,
You know they seem kind of nice,
What are you, you don't negotiate with a zombie,
you cut their mother f'ing heads off,
How is that gonna help us now?
Who's side are you on?
I've got to get word back to headquarters,
Alright, here's the plan soldier,
What?
We let them eat you first, flail a lot, scream,
distract them,,,
Why do I have to,,,
My molar is a transponder,
Zombies can't digest teeth,
Worst case scenario they track it back to the zombie
scat pile,
Best case scenario I find some metal and tap out a message
back to base,
Where are your keys?
Oh, in my pocket,
Okay,
You're insane,
Do you want to turn out to be a zombie?
All right,
Hold still soldier, I'm going in,
I leave you alone for five minutes, kinky,
Hey guys, that's a no no,
Now, we need to talk,
In five minutes, this place is crawling with agents,
You're dead, your family's dead, your,,,
You are a very angry lady,
Take the nice one to the den,
I'm junk food, she's the tasty one,
Come on lover boy,
Okay secret agent man, you wanna live?
Here's how it's gonna end,
I am tired, hungry, and everyone else has eaten
except for me,
Now, I want my life back, and you're gonna help me,
Now, we know who you are, we know what you are,
Shelly, I'm not so sure about this,
Let's just say the government does need an agent prime?
Fine, who am I to argue with homeland security?
We are just patriotic citizens, ready to negotiate,
The agency doesn't negotiate,
Okay then,
Carrie, you do the honors, enjoy,
No, no I'll talk, I'll talk,
We want off the grid,
New social security numbers, new identities, fresh start,
And no taxes,
He has a point, paying taxes when you're dead
isn't quite fair,
We're not the IRS,
And as long as Bill is dead, you will supply him with food
for the rest of his death,
Otherwise I can't guarantee his eating patterns,
Brains, he likes brains,
Morse is my captain, I can't,
I mean if she even suspects I'm negotiating, I'm dead,
Or a zombie,
Or a lunch,
Morse is tough as nails, but she's nothing compared
to the hard ass agent we work for,
If you take us out, they'll just send more,
They'll never give up, They'll just keep coming,
They're like zombies, only from the government,
Alright fine, then he's lunch and the asshole in the bathroom
is dinner,
No, it's time for what they call in one of Bill's shows,
a field upgrade,
Upgrade, you mean a field promotion,
That requires a commander in the field to be wounded
or killed or,,,
Oh,
Baxter here is gonna be a hero,
He is gonna save the country, win a medal,
and earn a field promotion,
Carrie,
Baby, you know how excited I get when you do that,
Yeah,
No, no, no!
Leave him alone you zombie freaks,
That is no way to talk to a lady,
You don't scare me,
Shut up, no one likes a whiny dinner,
You interrupted my meal, I would listen hard
to whatever she says and yes, is the preferred answer,
Relax Bill, it's Carrie's turn to eat,
Baxter is looking a little stringy,
I'll soften him up,
You bastard,,,
Hold your tongue or I'll do it with my teeth,
We're gonna let you go,
We just have a few simple requests,
and everybody's happy,
You can say yes now,
Yes,
Good,
Charlie, guard her while we go get everything ready,
I can still save him,
Shut it G-man, G-woman,
You haven't been bitten,
Bill's gone, Carrie too, and your sister
she's cracked, lost her mind,
That's my sister,
But we can save her, some therapy sure,
there will be some scarring, painful,
But my team has the best lab in the world
and you can join us,
The agency needs a smart guy like you,
I could get you a level three, five clearance,
Level five, go anywhere, anytime,
It's your destiny kid, we've been watching you for years,
We know all about you,
You see things, you have what it takes, you're special,
Join us, untie the ropes,
You've got a bright future kid,
Unlimited resources,
And more,
I can even get you field work,
And access to the NSA data banks,
Don't push it kid, come on,
♪ Upbeat music ♪
Quick, where are the tasers?
You ready for this soldier?
Semper Fi,
You take the girl, the prime is mine, booyah!
Oh, booyah,
Oh jeez,
Shelly, get out of here while you still can!
Carrie how could you?
What have you done?
You and I will rule a new world order,
A powerful, invincible army of the undead,
These mortals, they're nothing, they're food,
You killed my wife,
Shelly was nothing,
She was a mere inconvenience to your path to your destiny,
Do you feel this power, this power between us coursing
through your dead veins,
Kiss me before I kill the human,
Not on my watch you freaks!
I got this, ♪ Intense music ♪
You killed my queen, prepare to die,
Baxter you killed the prime,
You're alive, oh Baxter,
Now what?
We've got to get his blood back to the lab,
we can't lose this strain,
Get the machete, cut his head off,
Morse,
Not now soldier,
The virus dies within minutes once the host fails,
What kind of kitchen doesn't have Tupperware?
Morse,
Baxter we've got to move, what?
Look, you're hand,
Son of a dead bitch he bit me,
I'm the new prime,
Okay,
Okay, get me back to the lab Baxter
you're the new mission leader, soldier,
Get me back before I turn,
Ma'am yes ma'am,
That son of a bitch,
Not now Baxter, mission, god, and country soldier,
Let the cleaners handle this mess,
Wait, what about your wife?
What kind of a partner would I be to her now?
Tell her,,,
Tell her the truth, I'm dead,
Tell her I died in combat,
It would be a privilege ma'am,
You'll make the wall of honor,
Lousy store brand ketchup,
♪ Upbeat music ♪
You came alone, risky?
Not really, I never am alone,
Well look who came for dinner,
Guys,
Good, it was good,
I like what you did with the place,
Oh, ha, very festive,
So who's birthday is it?
Hey, look who decided to show up,
You know I almost missed you,
Yeah, I bet,
Status green, repeat, status green,
Your birthday?
No sir, but nice new suit,
I just made captain, I've gotta dress like a captain,
I see everything okay,
no problems with the house, neighbors?
Your birthday?
Getting close,
I'll get it,
Nice marbling,
Organic certified, grass fed vegans,
Good, Honey, I assume you want those raw?
Baxter can I get you anything, a beer?
No, no I'm fine, let's get down to business,
Who's first?
Birthday boy?
No, not my birthday,
So how is she?
Agent Morse?
She's fine, safely tucked away in a secret lab
serving her country, never been happier,
Well, we have a little exciting news ourselves,
What no?
You've been behaving yourselves right?
You're in witness protection now,
Quite wonderful actually,
Uncle Baxter,
You sure you don't want a beer?
Yummy yummy ♪
♪ When I see you I start rubbing my tummy ♪
♪ I'm stiff as a mummy ♪
♪ You're so sweet to me ♪
♪ You got big muscles ♪
♪ I like your veins and all your corpuscles ♪
♪ Why should we tussle ♪
♪ You're so sweet to me ♪
- A hug, - A hug, ♪
- A kiss, - A kiss, ♪
What's as sweet as this? ♪
Another day of bliss around the house ♪
A fool am I,,, ♪
♪ For your lovely thigh ♪
You're my man! ♪
And you're my wife, ♪
♪ I may be dead but, you're my life! ♪
♪ Can't wait to ravage,,, ♪
Darling! ♪
I'll stuff my face like you're a stuffed cabbage! ♪
♪ Call me a savage, you're so sweet to me ♪
- Savage! - Oh yeah, ♪
Your lips invite me, ♪
♪ I admit I kind of like it when you bite me ♪
♪ Yes you delight me ♪
♪ You're so sweet to me ♪
Baby, I know my appetite gets out of control sometimes-
I love watchin' you eat baby,
But I hope you know that whenever my tummy growls,
it's only for you,
Oh, sweetie!
I feel so young! ♪
Wish you'd slip me your tongue ♪
♪ You're my man ♪
And you're my wife, ♪
♪ I may be dead, but you're my life! ♪
You're so sweet to me,,, You're so sweet to me,,, ♪
You're so sweet to me! You're so sweet to me! ♪