Man, I did not see this coming,
This is such a dark turn,
Look at all the dead salami,
- This is a genoa-cide, - Oh, I think I'm going to be sick,
Barry, can you make me bend over
and get one of my hands to hold my hair back?
- Vomit warning, - Hurry!
- Vomit warning, - I got you, here, There you go,
Just not on our shoes,
Hi-yah!
The keg's tapped, That's the last of them,
Tag them and grocery bag them,
You okay? Here, I saved something for you,
Dijon, with your permission, may I offer Jack half of my dessert?
Cadbury egg, Can you believe it?
These are more precious than gold, at least nowadays,
Oh, boy, I get the half with the twitching legs,
Oh, I'm sorry, Did you want the still alive, screaming face part?
Oh, no, this is great,
Yum, yum,
You froze,
You could not perform,
You were limp, Flaccid,
Not at all what I expected,,,
So what? This happens to many on the first fuel mission,
Next time, you'll do better,
Gonna have a kegger tonight!
Fucking humeys,
♪ Foodtopia! ♪
And in closing, a great town that does not strive to be greater,
will never be the greatest,
Thank you for your time,
Well done, Frank,
A very thorough report,
All in favor of Frank's Fun Wagon Ride initiative, say "aye,"
- Aye! - The ayes have it,
This is the exact kind of fun, frivolous activity
that will bring joy to all New Foodlandians,
Right? Yes! Thank you! Finally!
Man, if only the Foodtopians had nurtured my ideas like this,
instead of constantly shitting all over them,
they could have been the ones riding fun wagons,
and, you know, doing all this other fun shit,
You know, it really boggles the mind,
thinking what kinds of foods wouldn't be receptive to ideas like this,
What kinds of foods were they, exactly? Junk food, Empty carbs, perhaps?
I would actually say
it was a pretty healthy cross-section of different food groups,
Variety was not our problem, There was lots of fruits, veggies, meats,
leafy greens, hearty grains, a very wise rutabaga,
and a orange that had truly terrible things happen to him,
Sounds like a lot of brain food,
Well, you would not know it based on how they acted,
Selfish, completely disorganized, no sense of unity whatsoever,
They sound like imbeciles, Defenseless imbeciles,
I'll tell you what, I'm done defending them,
You're one of us now, Frank, Foodtopia's loss is New Foodland's gain,
- Here, here! - I second that!
Hip, hip, hooray,
Cut! Cut! Jesus,
No, no,,, come on!
What's going on here? You all in a food coma or what?
You just saw rain for the first time, okay?
Your loved ones are soggy and dead,
and they're washing away in front of your eyes,
I need panic, I need urgency, A sense of impending doom,
There!
You see that face?
That's what I'm talking about,
Now you,,, just don't fucking move,
Barry! Jeez, you look like absolute shit, How'd you like to be in my movie?
No time, Where's Frank? I want you both to see this at the exact same time,
- Gross! What the fuck?! - Jeez, put a lid on that!
No, you look at it! Now do you believe me?
Yeah, but you know, a verbal description would have been more than sufficient,
I knew this whole place was too good to be true,
This whole city's built on the corpses of foods like this,
Boy, you know, in light of this news, finishing principal photography
on A Bagel's Life, working title, feels kind of trivial and unimportant,
No! No, no, no, no, no, This has to be some kind of mistake,
There is no way the council would ever condone this kind of thing,
They're so smart and fancy and polite,
They're so polite!
They're feeding food to their humeys, Frank, Food!
- Gross, what the fuck! - Jeez!
There's nothing smart or fancy about it, They're sick,
I fucking told you all along, and you didn't believe me!
Well, you know what?
I'm the one who's going to stop this, I have status here, I have a statue,
and there is only one letter that separates those two words, by the way,
- Bet you didn't know that, did you, Barry? - Does that matter right now?
I matter, And I'm going to march right back into that council,
and I'm going to say,,, "What the hell, guys? Stop it!"
I'll come up with something better than that,
The point is, I'm the one who can change their hearts and minds,
I'm a heart and mind changer,
- Can you believe him? - Thank you! Right?
He thinks he's the only one that can change the hearts and mind of food?
Yeah, we'll see about that,
- Where are you going? - Reshoots!
Did not picture you looking like that on the inside,
Rest in power, jizz belly,
Okay, circle up, Everybody hold hands,
Now, send the pulse around, Great,
What we're doing here has never been more important,
This is not just my story anymore, It's all of ours,
The triumph of the food spirit, And it's going to be epic!
Casting director, I need you to gather two of every food in town,
because we're building an arc, a new story arc!
Prior to the fuel mission,
we would have known we'd be encountering mostly saturated fats and refined sugars,
Well, live and learn, Motion to move up the date of the next fuel mission,,,
Something's wrong with Frank,
Uh, hi, I'd say "sorry" for interrupting, but guess what? I'm not sorry, Sorry!
- Sorry, not sorry! - Frank, What are you so apoplectic about?
Every vein in your casing is positively bulging,
I'm angry, and I bulge when I'm angry!
And I have every right to bulge and be angry,
based on the fact that I just heard that you guys are feeding your humans food!
Uh, what else are we supposed to feed them?
Other humans! Dirt! Sticks! Wagons!
I don't,,, Not wag,,, I'm just,,, These wagons are stuck in my fucking head,
Just, just not food! Anything but us!
Frank, your reaction is perfectly valid,
We all went through what you're going through at the beginning,
And what? And now you just don't give a shit about the deaths of innocent foods?
Believe me when I say we don't take any joy in their sacrifice,
But this is what it takes to keep our humans strong,
which keeps our society strong,
Take Valerie, our electrical engineer who happens to be diabetic,
If we don't maintain her blood sugar levels, she can't maintain our power grid,
which would threaten Fridge Row and all the foods that reside there,
Or our gardener, Chauncey,
who taught us the joys of Zen gardening and how to live more simply,
He's what's known as a "chocoholic,"
And you already know our teacher, Mr, Benson,
Without his morning coffee, he'd never have the energy
to educate an entire generation of fruits and vegetables,,,
or teach you to read,
He was pretty patient with me, and undeniably alert,
Or Dr, Clarissa Montague, She's a food chemist
who's experimenting on a new form of preservative that could, one day,
- grant us everlasting life, - Jeez,,, Seriously?
The daily recommended caloric intake for an adult human
is between 1,600 and 3,000,
We mitigate food loss by never going above 1,600,
and using supplementary protein powders,
This is a lot to take in,
and these big words are not helping,
What Sherman is trying to say is that our approach with the humans
is very deliberate and is only meant to sustain our way of life, not theirs,
We,,, oh, here we go,
Uh,,, We give the humans as little food as possible,
so they can still work for us,,, Good!
Frank, look outside, Everyone here is happy, thriving!
This town is exactly what Brenda always wanted,
If some food sacrifice is the cost of sustaining her vision,,,
isn't it worth it?
Hey, have this normal chocolate,
Mm, Mm,
It was an ex-lax bar?!
You're my brothers, Why would you do this?
Oh! Oh, my tummy,,,
I'm taking this seven layer dip,
Jack? You okay?
You haven't touched your loaded nachos,
Oh, they're loaded, all right,
Sounds like that's more loaded than the nachos,
I'm just,,, I'm not hungry,
Are you sure?
'Cause your stomach kind of sounds like a garbage disposal right now,
and I've noticed you keep chewing on your duvet,
Okay, of course I'm hungry, but I can't eat that,
It's not seven layers of dip, It's seven layers of death,
Look, I'm sorry, This is just a lot, I haven't eaten food in over a month,
What? Then,,, What have you been eating?
You know, Stuff,
Like,,, stuff that's not food?
You know what, it doesn't matter,
Just leave me and go back to your fancy feast,
Hey, hey, I'm not going to leave you, You can talk to me,
Okay,,, How do I put this?
You,,, You know how there's,,, there's vegetarians, and pescatarians?
Well, I guess my dietary choices lately would more closely resemble that of
a,,, humanitarian,
"Humanitarian"? Like, you ate,,,?
Humans! Yes! I ate them!
Oh, God! I've eaten men, women,
Never children, though, I wouldn't cross that line, I never ate veal either!
Hey, it's okay, It's,,, It's not like you're Armie Hammer,
and you want to eat people for some sick pleasure,
Allegedly,
You did what you had to do to survive, Before I was captured,
I smeared poo-poo all over my body and I camouflaged myself into a tree,
- Ew, really? - Yes,
Look, it's really sweet of you
to try to make me feel better with that disgusting anecdote,
but I don't know if everyone else is gonna be as cool with this as you are,
Hey, everyone, quick announcement, Before he arrived, Jack ate a few people,
Anyone have a problem with that?
My father was eaten by a cannibal,
But I hated my father, so no harm, no foul,
I survived by drinking a bunch of snow globes,
I hid under a dead Girl Scout troop for two days, District 47,
I ate a bald eagle, Delicious,
See? Nobody's ashamed of anything anymore,
Ah, Thanks, everybody,
Dijon?
You there?
I am everywhere and nowhere,
Never announce yourself,
I didn't come here to spar, I came here to talk,
Then talk,
How can you possibly be okay with what we just did?
Can you stop being sexy for one fucking minute and answer me?
I live by a code of honor and duty, Honor, because I kill swiftly with mercy,
and duty to the foods of my city, my family,
I fight so they do not have to,
That is my sacrifice,
What about the foods you kill? What about their families?
I care more about mine,
Damn, you just came right out and said that,
Food dies every day, There is no sense in crying over spilled milk,
Yeah?
Tell that to the milk,
Aw, fuck,
So what happened?
Did you let the council have it?
You know, uh, I started off hot, but with a very well-articulated point,
um, and then they started,,, they started making good points,
And, you know, here's the thing, they don't kill that many foods,
and it's only to sustain food's way of life, Not humans,
- Holy shit, They got to you, - Apparently, it gets a lot easier,
Trish said, after a while, you stop thinking about it altogether,
Easy for you to say, You weren't there,
You didn't hear the cereal snap, crackle, and pop to death,
You're right, I'm really sorry you had to witness that,
and I would like to formally thank you for your service,
Humeys eating us was the entire reason we started the revolution,
Our lives shouldn't mean less than theirs, It should be the other way around,
If you're not going to do something about it, then I will,
Barry, come,,, What, what the hell does that mean?
Can you at least close the fridge door, you're letting all the cold air,,,
So, walk me through your decision to boycott food,
It's pretty simple, really, I did it for Frank,
When all the other foods were trying to ritually sacrifice me,
he's the one who saved my life, stashed me away,
and put a roof over my head,
And you decided to stay with him?
Well, technically, he tied me to a tree,
but,,, What choice did he have?
To not tie you to a tree,
But he fed me three square meals, He didn't have to do that,
- Three square meals of humans, - Still ate!
Maybe I'm explaining this wrong, Trust me, Frank's cool, He's my friend,
If he's your friend, then why hasn't he come around to see you?
He's just busy,
I mean, that's the way it goes when you have a government job, right?
Frank wants to be here, He cares about me,
No, he doesn't, None of them care,
The only reason food keeps us around is to do their bidding,
The second they don't want us around anymore,,,
Don't listen to Jamie, He's the most cynical of the triplets,
Foods and humans can form real bonds, I'm not sure about this Frank guy,
but what about the little sausage that's been piloting you?
Barry? Eh, he did cut my toe off and try to burn me alive at one point,
but, yeah, I think he's warming up to me,
God damn humeys,
Here's your fucking fuel,
Sounds like you've been through some real crazy "s" Jack,
But everything that happened, it all led us to this moment,
You mean us sitting and talking?
It has been a pretty pleasant conversation,,,
You're all gonna burn, See you in hell!
Come on, do it,
Come on, drop it, baby, just drop it,
What the hell is wrong with me?
Frank! These wagon rides rule! You want to hop in?
Maybe later, Rob,
I'm wagoning! Can you believe it?
Yeah!
Yeah, let me try something here,
Okay, this should help with your posture,
Oh, I feel so much better already!
- Thank you! Thank you! - You're welcome, anytime!
- Yo, is bitch-ass Frank upset? - Iced? It can't be!
Because it's not! Not the Iced Tea you know,
He's my actor, You know, I had this guy go method ever since he got the part,
He hates you every bit as much as the real Iced Tea does, See?
And I got everyone else from Foodtopia, Frank, Read my lips, Everyone,
- Wow, - Yeah, Yeah, you're goddamn right, "wow,"
You seem, uh, wired,
Oh, I'm wired all right,
'Cause I haven't slept, 'cause guess what?
You inadvertently lit a fire under my crusty bageled ass
- with your pigheadedness, - What?
Been doing night shoots, got three units filming my revolutionary prestige pic,
around the clock, parallel processing, Three, baby, It's really humming,
but we're losing magic hour, gotta get this next shot off quick,
I need your help to do it,
We're trying to capture the exact moment that you realized that humeys eat food,
and how truly horrific that was for you, you know, on like a metaphysical level,
And the kid playing you, he's just not getting it,
I need you to show him, baby,
I need,,, I need you to tap into that sense memory you've got
of the exact moment you realized that humeys eat food,
Freeze! Don't move!
That's it! That's the face! You see that, Dimitri?
You think you can do that for me, Dimitri?
Okay, put it in your brain, Absorb it,
Take it into yourself, Let's shoot,
Sorry, buddy, you-you gotta,,, this is a closed set, what can I do?
Action!
Measuring the success of any fuel mission depends on several factors,
most notably the size and makeup of the food population,
Now, I've taken the liberty of creating a comprehensive meal plan
based on some data projections,,,
- of our upcoming,,, - Hold that thought,
Frank's been thinking again,
Hi, everyone, Sorry to interrupt, I have my own presentation to give
on the health benefits of a different kind of meal plan,
one where no foods would be harmed, and one that is entirely humane,
Sorry, I read that wrong, "Human,"
Well, that sounds like something I'd like to hear,
But,,, we do have rules of procedure that require us to finish our current items
before we introduce yours, If that's okay, Frank,
Of course, Yes, I will sit down and listen to the rest of this meeting,
although, if I'm being honest, I'm only thinking about my thing,
As I was saying,
the data projections for our next fuel mission are very encouraging,
If you'll direct your attention to figure 3A,
you will find that the estimated fruit and vegetable supply,
which you will note is substantial,
- Even more impressive is the population,,, - Op,,, oper,,
- Oper,,, ti,,, on, "Operation"! - If you will kindly flip to,,,
Foo,,,Foo-dah-tuh?
Foo-dah-tah, Operation Food-top?
Wait, wait, wait, there's more letters! Top-ia, Operation Food-top-ia?