- Thank you for purchasing this tape,
crafted to aid you with sleeping disorders
and ensure a restful night,
If you are listening to this,
it means you have exhausted your usual methods,
Counting sheep, meditation, and masturbation,
This is insomnia,
Insomnia is a serious concern that if neglected,
can lead to emotional distress, mental and physical decline,
various forms of madness, and even death,
So, what makes this treatment method special?
It's all about you,
In your dreams, you can be whoever you wish,
be your own hero,
Now, feel your eyelids grow heavy,
and let the rhythm of my voice
serenade you into a state of pure relaxation,
And soon enough, you'll awaken rejuvenated,
and filled with positive vitality,
Now, attune your inner vibrations
to the serenity of silence,
Often, all it takes to gracefully drift into sleep
is soothing, relaxing music,
Are you prepared? Or perhaps you're already snoring,
Just kidding,
Here we go,
♪ Moments in silence when lose their meaning ♪
♪ All disappearing, unheard ♪
♪ Even in silence, let's go on believing ♪
- There,
The orchestra is playing,
I'm sure that will make it easier,
- I don't know,
- Oh, come on!
You'll be able to fool everyone,
- But I don't want to fool anyone,
- Dr, Fabricius said that you need to get out at one point,
and I agree with him,
- I wish I hadn't come,
- Oh, nonsense!
Oh, there,
That's the song you like so much,
Oh, come on in before it's over,
- Welcome back, Miss Bea,
- Miss Bea,
We have sorely missed you,
I have your old table reserved, if you would,
Some champagne to start with?
- Yes, please
Relax, Bea,
- Look at them,
They all know,
They all long for something to happen,
- Nothing will happen,
- I'm sorry, I can't,
- Fight it,
Bea, fight it,
- Perhaps it was too early,
but you've shown immense improvements during the last month,
- You're fooling the both of us,
- Oh, come now!
In time, you will learn to control it,
- I don't want to control it,
I want to be free at last,
Doctor,,,
Be honest with me,
Can you cure me?
- To be honest,,,
I'm not even sure your problem lies
within the capabilities of psychiatry,
- Are you finally ready to call this problem
by its proper name?
A curse,
- I'm confident all you need is a good, long rest,
Why not leave town for a while?
- It irritates you, doesn't it?
Gives you a headache,
Can't wait for me to go,
- It's just,,,
I've never been much of a music lover,
- Spare me the explanation,
I will go,
Perhaps we'll meet,
Perhaps,
"Nora dear,
I know now that this torment will never end,
I brought this on myself, and I would need to end it,
Don't look for me, You won't find me,
Let this curse die with me,"
Yes?
- Sorry, miss,
An unscheduled stop,
We appear to be snowbound,
- For how long?
- I really don't know, Miss,
It may take a while,
- Look, I have a request,
- Of course, Miss,
- This letter,,,
Could you post it somewhere very far?
At the terminus,
- Yes, of course, but why?
- What is this place?
- It used to be a very popular ski resort,
- A hotel?
- Yeah, many years ago,
I really don't know how they manage now though,
Do you know that new, posh resort up the road
one hour away from here?
With all the nightclubs and concert halls,
luring the rich people,
I really don't know,
But, but, but,,,
But you're not planning to get off here, Miss?
- This might be my final destination,
- But, the darkness! And the snow, Miss!
- Miss?
- May I also see today's paper?
Seems to be interesting,
- Anything else, Miss?
- Perhaps some more wine,
What the heck,,,
Bring me the whole bottle,
- Is Miss quite sure?
It's getting rather late,
- Ooh, la la,
Afraid you'll have to carry me to bed?
- Really, Miss?
Comedy music?
- Look, I'm sorry,
I can't control it,
Honestly, I meant no offense,
- None taken, I'm sure,
- Hello?
Excuse me,
Sir?
Do you hear it?
- Do you?
- I hear nothing, Miss,
- Exactly,
Silence,
But how can that be?
- Why shouldn't that be?
- I had forgotten how beautiful it is,
I haven't heard it for a year,
- I'm glad that you enjoy it,
It's all I ever hear,
- How I envy you,
But what do you mean?
- A bomb, in Guernica,
- You were fighting in Spain?
- Should have killed me, but didn't,
Took my hearing though,
- You,,,
You're deaf?
- As a stone, Miss,
- But how could you,,,
- I get that a lot,
It's not very difficult to read lips
once you've had time to train,
- So, you don't hear?
- Absolutely nothing,
- But how can it be that in your vicinity,,,
- What?
- My name is Miss Clement,
Perhaps you've heard of me,
I'm afraid I made headlines on several locations,
- Oh, yes, Miss Clement,
The heiress to the Clement millions,
The girl who spooked the horses at Ascot,
- Animals don't like me,
"The devil's mistress,"
Ever since-
- Ever since the composer, Ronier, your,,,
- You can say it,
My abusive lover,
- He was killed, wasn't he?
- Yes,
- Shot,
By you,
- It was ruled self-defense, I thought,,,
I thought I was free,
But since that date,
as if his blood infected me with his devilish music,
it became his curse and my punishment,
Who are you?
- No one, really,
My dreams of being a violinist shattered in Guernica,
- What's your name?
- I'm Damian,
- I'm Bea,
I don't know how this is possible, but,,,
But with you, I feel free of this endless Dance Macabre,
- I would love to hear that music,,,
- But I can't let you go,
I need you to give me silence, forever,
- I'd gladly share it with you,
- Are you staying here?
- In the cheapest room,
- Would you,,,
Stay with me tonight?
- If you want me to,
- I want you to,
It's dark,
Your eyes are closed,
How easy it makes that,
Damian,,,
I love you,
I'm yours forever,
You give me silence, I give you my love,
You've saved me,
Nora!
- Bea!
- And when the gentleman arrives,
show him here immediately,
I have his tickets,
- Yes, of course,
- What?
Bea,,,
- Yes,
Yes, it's true,
- But how? Since when?
- Since I've met Damian,
- Who is he?
And why this mysterious telegram
to take the first train and meet you here?
I didn't even know you were planning to visit this resort,
- I wrote you a stupid letter last night,
- What letter?
- Oh, it's probably still in mail,
but everything has changed since yesterday,
Nora,,,
I'm so in love,
- I'm happy for you, of course, but,,,
What do you know about this man?
- Only one thing,
He took Ronier's cursed music from me,
Forever,
- And where is this mysterious stranger then?
He should be here any minute,
- I wanted to be at this concert so very much,,
Now that I can really enjoy music again,
- Yes! To hear Fritz Kreisler himself play,
its worthy, the long trip,
- And he was ready to accompany me,
even though he won't be to enjoy it,
- Why not?
Who cannot enjoy it?
Oh, it begins!
- I'm sorry Miss Clement,
It somehow slipped my mind,
- Yes?
- Was the gentleman you are expecting called Mr, Damian?
- Yes, he is,
- I'm so sorry, but he won't be able to join you tonight,
- Oh, I'm so sorry, Bea dear,
- How do you know that?
- He called the theater a while ago,
and I happen to answer the telephone,
- But what do you mean he called you?
- He asked me to give you a message,
It was rather strangely, "Thank you for the music,"
- Enjoy the concert, ladies,
- But it can be right,,,
- I'm sure he'll meet us afterwards,
- No, no, That he called here,
- He couldn't have,
Nora, you see, he's,,,
- Still awake?
Don't worry, I shall soon put you to your rest,
Silence doesn't work for everyone,
Often, one needs a reassuring background of familiar setting
to help you feel sheltered and safe,
What setting do you most enjoy?
Is it the laughter of children on a summer beach?
Is it a litter of kittens mewing happily?
Is it watching a fun, old horror film at midnight?
Ah, that's it,
Let's make it a vintage horror flick,
with all the familiar tropes,
Witches, demons, and damsels in distress,
Perhaps you are a dashing young hero with curly hair,
saving her from the clutches of evil,
- "I wish to God that I were wrong,
I wish that these were just foolish fancies of an old man,"
- I hope this row doesn't bother you, sir,
Everybody just wants to get drunk tonight,
It's this awful shooting star in the skies,
- Oh,,,
My dear,
I was young once,
Let them enjoy life, while they can,
- Need another?
- Well,,,
I'm afraid I'm running short on coins,
- What if it was on the house?
- Now, my dear, why would you do that?
- They say you are the town's astronomer,
- Astronomer, astrologer, alchemist,
But what use is that to you?
- Perhaps you can tell me my future,
- Oh, my dear,
Sadly, a fortune teller, I am not,
- Men come here to drink, to fight, to make love,
I haven't seen one who comes to write,
- Some secrets are too heavy a burden
to carry them to your grave,
- Secrets?
Care to share?
- Alas, I cannot,
Not yet,
- You!
- Hey, that's enough!
You will not get rid of me so easily,
Now, drink your wine,
while I get rid of these troublemakers,
- Yeah!
- No swords in the tavern!
Get out! Everybody!
That's enough! The tavern is closed!
Get out! Off with you!
You, you, you, you, Out!
And you, you in the Russian Army, get out!
Out, now!
- Ooh, surely, I can stay?
- Not tonight, darling,
I don't feel so well,
- "Life's fleeting brevity is sacrificed
to its crushing vanity,"
Ah,,,
Would you care to join me in that drink?
- Oh, I feel a little off color,
Now, good sir, share your secrets,
- Shared secrets are a double burden,
And words can be more dangerous than soft,
- Fret not,
I kick men thrice my size from this very tavern every night,
Words do not scare me,
- You're new here in town, aren't you?
- Been keeping that inn for the past year now,
Never seen you here before,
- Never been here before,
However, it was my grandfather
who frequented this tavern in his day,
and it was he who told me a story
that made me come here tonight,
- About this very tavern?
- Mhm,
- Go on, good sir,
Make my blood curdle,
- It happened when my grandfather was a young man,
75 years ago, one eve, very much like this,
the maid locked up for the night,
Now, she was no wallflower,
but a strong-willed woman, much like yourself,
and like yourself, she lived above this tavern,
- Me likes her already,
- When she had locked up, she fed the poultry,
and returned to wait for her husband,
But this was to be like no other night,
for this was the night of the appearance of the comet,
- Best stay back,
Stay back, I tell ye!
I shan't take no tomfoolery now!
No!
Please, no!
- Do not, sir, end there,
How do you know such things?
- A random passerby heard the tavern wench's screams,
- Your grandfather?
- Is this where you live, Agnes?
Above the tavern?
I do,
- Lock your chamber door,
Do not open it for anyone, or anything,
I should stand guard till morn,
till your husband gets back,
- Kind sir, those demons,,,
- I don't know what they were,
but they were surely not demons,
Go,
Agnes!
- She was found dead in her chamber
with her unborn child cut from her belly,
- Is that the chamber that I occupy?
Oh, Lord, protect us, no,
Who were they?
- None knows,
But these creatures were never seen again,
And yet, my grandfather never stopped looking for them,
And now it is time for me to assume his work,
- Now?
But why, after all these years?
Is it because of the shooting star?
- You're right, my child,
This comet returns every 75 years,
- And with it, the demons?
- I thought they might, but the comet is almost gone,
and they're nowhere to be seen,
- But why did they want the child?
- Have you ever wondered why this tavern is called
the Badburn Inn?
- I have, but to none seems to know that,
- I do,
Before this cabin was built,
this was the spot where they used to burn the witches,
- You're having me on, sir,
- One night, one and a half centuries ago,
a particularly malignant witch
was burned at the stake in this spot,
Now, she was said to have consorted
with a Prince of Darkness, who got her with child,
- She was with child?
- But this was no ordinary human child,
The witnesses saw it glow in her belly,
like a furnace from hell,
So, this witch was captured and condemned to burn,
- Thus it is decreed that thou, Minerva,
who has consorted with the devil,
shall be purged by fire,
and thine ashes shall be cast upon the sea,
The flames that doth engulf thee shall stand as a warning
to all who dare to tread the path to darkness,
- Give us a kiss,,,
- Let these flames,,,
- Will you?
- Cleanse our community,
Purifying it,,,
- You know you want to,
- From the stain of vile witchcraft,
May we emerge from this trial stronger, united,
and more vigilant than ever before,
There is no limit to thine evil witch,
Hast thou aught to say,
ere we commit you to the trust of God?
No fire destroys the child of the Master,
One day, when the star returns,
this child shall be born,
and he shall wreak havoc upon the world
as no child has before!
- What art thou waiting, man?
Do thine duty!
Do it, now!
- So, these demons might not be demons at all?
- I've come to think they are not,
I think they are trying to undo a disaster,
But this child might one day unleash upon the world,
The child that's destined to born here
in the year of a comet,
- So, do you think that these creatures
might come from the future?
- I have a reason to believe that,
This is the only real evidence
of a story I told you ever taking place,
- Now, I understand why you have been observing me
the whole evening,
But, fear not,
These demons will have to leave empty handed,
- How's that, my child?
- I'm barren,
My womb will never bear a child,
And I'm the only woman in this house,
- Perhaps then, I can put my mind at ease,
- I'm sure you can,
- In that case, fair maiden,,,
There is no reason for me to protect you from any demons,
- Did you hope there would be?
- I hoped to God I was wrong,
And,,,
It appears I was,
- Have a safe night, sir!
But I'm not,,,
Now, off with you,
I have a tavern to open,
- Can I come back tonight?
- You can come, until I get tired of you,
That might take a while,
- Come on, we still have time,
Time for a quick one?
- Shite!
- This dream was sponsored by NAPocalypse,
♪ Keep that NAPocalypse ♪
♪ Sleep at your fingertips ♪
♪ Run, run, run ♪
- When the world wreaks havoc,
NAPocalypse ends it all,
Still awake?
Don't worry,
Imagine yourself in a most beautiful garden,
hidden in the far away mountains,
where every flower is like a dream,
Their sweet fragrance makes your head dizzy,
You just want to lay down on the fresh petals,
and purr like a kitten,
And in the middle of that magic garden, there's a well,
Its cool waters have a taste of kiss from your first love,
of youth and beauty,
- Mind you, this isn't the Grand Hotel or anything,
We're just a wayward village inn,
We haven't had a visitor for, whew,,,
The best part of 10 years,
So mind you, the food is probably not what you're used to,
- Smells just fine,
- Imagine that,
A young woman, traveling all alone,
- Women do travel alone,
After all, it is the 1900s,
- Yes, but you're not from these parts, are you?
- No, I'm from Prussia,
- Fancy that,
Can you say something in Prussian?
- What should I say?
- Well, how about,,,
"It's so beautiful here in the mountains,"
- Oh, lovely,
So, you'll be taking the morning coach to the south?
- Yes,
- And will your family be meeting you there?
- I don't have any family,
- Oh, dear,
How can that be?
- Well, if you must know,
my father died and left me some money,
So, I decided to travel,
- You should go to the castle,
- I should do what?
- Go to the castle, tonight,
If you hurry now, you'll be back before sunset,
- I feel rather tired,
so I might head to bed very soon,
- Do you like art? Old master paintings?
- Of course,
- There you go,
The Count has a unique collection of portraits,
All the ladies of the castle that ever lived,
They say that they're the most beautiful ladies
that have ever been captured on paintings in the world,
- Really?
- Mm,
- And the Count,,,
He's so charming, and very cultured,
He always welcomes visitors, especially pretty ladies,
- I really don't feel like walking,
- Oh, it's just 10 minutes walk,
You go straight out,
and you walk through the meadow of flowers,
Just imagine!
All that beauty,
The low sun paints the meadow with gold,
You slide your fingers over the sleepy flowers,
sending off swarms of butterflies,
Maybe you pick a bunch,
The smell of lavender and summer sunset,
The wind ruffling your lovely hair,
And then, the castle, with a special garden,
Just imagine,
- Oh, I must have,,,
- You were just daydreaming, dear,
- But it felt so real,
- It's just in your imagination,
Maybe it's the hunger,
Eat your lovely porridge,
- Imagine that,
A young woman, traveling alone,
We haven't had a visitor here
for the best part of 10 years now,
You must find us terribly old fashioned,
- I am merely passing through,
- Aren't we all, my dear?
And yet, tempted to stay,
- To stay?
- You haven't seen our garden,
It's the most remarkable garden,
- I really think I should be going,
- And here we are!
Our gallery of beauties,
All the ladies of the castle,
dating back more than 400 years,
- That's truly amazing,
- I tell you, you would be amazed,
- This is the most remarkable collection I have ever seen,
Who painted these?
- My ancestors,
The men in our family have the talent
of capturing female beauty,
- But they all look so sad,
- Oh, no,
They have found peace in our secret garden,
- But who would paint an empty chair? Why?
- Oh, this is my painting,
It's not finished yet,
I never quite found the perfect sitter,
Would you see yourself sitting in that chair?
- Me?
- Yes, Imagine yourself sitting there,
- I think I really should be going,
- Humor me,
Imagine yourself in a perfect garden,
where nothing ever bothers you,
where time stands still, where you'll find eternal peace,
Our garden is a very special one,
It has a fountain of eternal youth,
As long as a maiden end as it willingly,,,
The fountain will never run dry,
- Am I imagining this?
- No, I am,
Oh,,,
The fountain runs again,
- How did the fresh streams
of that magical fountain make you feel?
I am quite sure you feel unburdened,
Your heart lighter,
but your eyelids even heavier than before,
You feel the weight of a happy, fulfilled life,
Like a sweet burden of love that everyone feels for you,
because you are worth it,
Let me teach you a good trick
to make your brain purring sleepily,
like a kitten playing with a new toy,
Imagine yourself speaking
and even thinking in a strange language,
Imagine yourself being very, very old,
and looking back at your younger days,
and all the adventures of your youth,
- Oh,,,
- Marzanna!
Oh,
- Welcome to the B-side of the sleep cure tape,
and thank you for being with us
to enjoy Dr, Sander's Sleep Cure,
guaranteed to put you to rest,
♪ Sleep well ♪
- Approved by Mr, Sandman,
Let's celebrate this moment together
by remembering the most beautiful moments of our life,
Let me take a guess,
It's being in love!
Perhaps even confessing your feelings to your chosen one,
making your intentions known to her, him, them,
Try to capture the essence of that single fleeting moment
when he, she, they said "yes",
Hold on to it, relive it,
Over and over and over,
- Hello, No one is available to take your call,
Please leave a message after the tone,
- Good evening,
Detective Sander here again,
I wanted to personally confirm
that you are no longer considered a suspect
in the investigation,
It has been proven that you were indeed in St, Petersburg
until February 10th,
However, your husband was last seen on the 6th,
when he received a registered package,
We investigated the package,
and discovered that it was in fact sent by you
from an auction house in St, Petersburg,
The item was allegedly a expensive antique mirror
that belonged to none other than Rasputin, the warlock,
We weren't aware that your husband
had an interest in antiques,
but that's beside the point,
We're doing everything we can to find him quickly,
Don't lose hope,
- Until the silver tarnishes,
may the chains keep you bound,
Oh, by the way, darling,,,
There is someone behind you,
- Ah, the sweet memories that allow us to sleep,
Still awake?
Don't worry,
Sleep is at your fingertips,
Everything you've ever dreamt of
is at the reach of your hand,
Love, happiness, money,
Let's try some number counting, but not just any numbers,
Imagine you're counting the winning numbers of a lottery
you've always yearned to win,
In your current state of lucid dreaming,
you are one with the universe,
You are tapped into the universal well of knowledge,
Now is the time to manifest the numbers
that win the next sweepstake,
Say them in your mind, and see them come true,
And go!
- 3,
- 2,
- 21,
- 25,
- 17,
- 45,
- Oh, fuck off,
- 56,
61,
83,
- So, I repeat,,,
Today's winning numbers are,,,
2, 25, 45, 56, 61, and 83,
Those of you who got all six numbers right,
the universe will provide with six months supply
of the frequencies between 311 and 392 hertz,
The same reward will today be bestowed upon those
whose efficiency factor for the week is higher than 180,
Please receive,
Well, what about those who have failed
in their duties before our universe?
The bottom margin for the week has been set at 92,5,
That means if your efficiency factor shows below that,
there will be a punishment in store for you,
The unachieving citizens will be deprived
of the frequencies between 415 and 554,5 hertz
for two weeks,
Let that loving punishment motivate you to do your duty
before our universe,
Be ready to relinquish,
- I told you so,
Why can't you contribute like all of us do?
How come I'm able to maintain a hundred,
and you can't even drag yourself up 92,5!
Look what you've done now!
Now you've upset the baby!
My mom warned me about you,
That you were gonna turn out a good-for-nothing layabout!
Am I supposed to keep the family going?
Oh, perhaps I should go back to my parents!
At least they're proper citizens!
My dad has done 175 point weeks in his day!
That's something you wouldn't dream of, would it?
- Thank you, fuckin' universe,
- Truly,,,
Is there a sweeter sound than the laughter of a child?
Well, yes,
The sweet sound of snoring,
And that's where we're headed, to a land of dreams,
You're listening to Dr, Sanders Sleep Cure sessions,
scientifically proven to end your life of insomnia,
Imagine this tape as your golden ticket to dreamland,
The VIP pass to a red carpet
of Academy Award ceremony of sleep,
We're not just talking about any old sleep,
we're talking about a sleep so deep,
even your dreams need a GPS to find you,
Truly,
This is the Slumber Nirvana,
with its endless Garden of Eden,
- God damn,
There's something in my boot,
- What? Like a pebble?
- More like a,,,
Bullet,
Yeah,
Two millimeter Kolibri,
- Oh,
- Not enough to kill a man,
sure enough to be a pain in the,,,
Boot,
- Do you wanna pause for a moment?
- Why?
- To remove the bullet,
- It takes more than a Kolibri to stop me,
Nah,
We need to reach the Ministry before it gets dark,
- Do you suppose there's someone there though?
The whole place looks rather abandoned,
- There's always someone at the Ministry,
Wait,,,
- What?
- The bloody thing has grown,
- The Ministry?
- The bullet,
Bloody hell!
I think it's four millimeters now,
Oh, no,
Eight millimeters,
A good thing I got it out in time, huh?
- That's weird,
- Weirder things happen in war,
- I mean, it might sound stupid, but,,,
Can it be that we're both dead?
- That's what occurred to me,
And I think I might have killed you,
- I probably killed you,
And for that, I'm truly sorry,
It was nothing personal, I,,,
I only carried out a couple of bombing raids before,
- Water under the bridge,
- I think I was shot down,
And then it all becomes a blur,
Perhaps I'll have the answer at the Ministry,
- They better,
- Is that it?
- Oh, yeah, There it is,
Good old Ministry,
Seems to have taken quite a beating,
- Was it there a minute ago?
- What was that?
- Just someone meeting a horrible end,
Did it scare you?
- No,
I've heard worse screams in this war,
Stop it! Stop it!
I don't like it! Stop!
- Ah, there you are,
- Actually, this scares me more,
- What?
- The silence,
- Why?
- I've heard it once before,
- When?
- A few years back,
- Where?
- The noisiest of all places,
The Grand Casino of Monte Carlo,
- Why were you there?
- It was an intelligence assignment,
Monaco was officially neutral,
and so it was teeming with spies,
I was sent to rendezvous with an agent,
and then I saw them,
Four people, just staring at me,
And there was this silence,
And then they were gone,
As if nothing had happened,
- I say!
You there,
The Ministry is closed,
if that's where you think you're going,
- Uh, we heard an awful scream,
- Yes, you were supposed to,
You do realize you're dead, right?
- We do,
This must be hell,
- Why must it?
- Because he killed me, and I killed him,
So, we must suffer,
- Catholic, eh?
- Well, you did not kill him,
- So, I'm not a murderer?
- Not so fast,
You,,,
Killed four people when you bombed Monte Carlo,
and accidentally hit the casino,
- Oh,
I'm sorry,
- As are they, I'm sure,
- But he still killed me, right?
- No,,,
I did,
- You're not a soldier,
- With this,
All it took was one signature,
I never left my desk,
- So, it appears I didn't kill you after all, right?
- Oh, dear chap, this one can't be killed,
- Every soldier can be killed,
- This one just dresses up as a soldier,
I think you should go,
You give me a headache,
- Dresses up? Who is he?
- You better not look at him,
- Don't turn around,
He just feasts on your fear,
Go,
A good riddance,
- You said "it", Who was he?
- A scavenger,
Nothing but a lowly delivery boy,
- Delivering?
- Those I have killed, so they could kill me in return,
- I'm not gonna kill you, sir,
- No,
Eventually, they all will,
You all will,
I guess I deserve it,
- So, when did he, "it", bring you your last victim?
- 40 years ago,
- And how long did it take for him to kill you?
- 40 years,
He killed me five minutes ago,
You heard my scream,
- So, this really is hell?
- Mm, I don't like that word,
I prefer to think of this place as a kind of extinct Eden
in its expired, barren beauty,
Well, I suppose we better go then,
- To the Ministry?
- Yes, where else?
- You said you killed me, but I can't seem to recall you,
- Ah,
We never met face to face,
You were just statistics,
Whereabouts did that happen?
- It's all a bit blurry at the moment, isn't it?
You were a POW,
and I was the administrative clerk
in a place called Auschwitz,
It will all come back to you,
We have all the time in the world,
- I'm speaking very softly,
because it has been scientifically proven
that 99,8% of those having listened to this tape so far,
are enjoying the sleep with the purity of 97,6%,
And wake soon, having their energy restored by 96,5%,
Oh, that bittersweet moment
we need to say goodbye to our dreams,
to these miniature and unique fairy tales,
where we find ourselves as heroes or villains,
cast in the most magnificent situations,
Oh, sweet sleep,
Stay, stay for another second,
just for a fleeting second,
- Woo!
- Ahh!
- Oh, fuck!
- No!
No swearing,
Please, I hate swearing,
- I'm sorry, Number One, Sorry,
- So?
Anything?
- Ah, f-f,,,
Forgive me, I've been,,,
I've been so busy attending the-
- Kardashian's wedding feast?
- No, no, no, no, no,
The maiden voyage of Titanic,
You know, the ship? The iceberg?
1912, 1,517 deaths,
- Yes, yes,
That's fine, that's fine,
But what about this one?
- Uh, I, I, I,,,
- Please, tell me you have a plan,
- Yes, yes, of course, I,,,
He will be hit by that car,
- By that one there?
- Yes, Yes, sir,
- Well, let's confirm that, shall we?
So, Number something something,,,,
- 5-0-8-4-7-8-4-
- Yeah,
Tells me you are about to assist him with this one here?
- Do I look like I have the extra time?
I need to be in Vienna,
I'm dealing with priority matters only,
Need to rewrite all of Salieri's work
to that other chap who killed him,
- But what-
- The less talented one, Mozart,
Apparently, it was decided that
he was now killed by Salieri,
I mean, why?
- We are not to question,
- Of course not, Number One,
- But what about that one?
- What about him?
- Years ahead of him,
- Can he kill this one?
- This one is not mine,
- He's mine,
- And you let him,,,
Run down to,,,
What? One second?
Good luck with that,
- Yes,
Well, the question now is,
can your man hit his man?
- Yes, please,
- Hit him?
- With his car,
- Well, we thought if your man would now step on the gas,,,
Psh!
- You're joking, right?
This is a 1974 Saab, not a Bugatti Veyron,
- Yes, I was afraid of that,
- It's a hundred feet away!
- All right,
- You might as well ask whether this pigeon could explode
with the power of a megaton,
- You're enjoying it, aren't you?
- Yes, we've got it, thank you, but the point is,
we are all going to be stuck in here for eternity
if this man isn't dead in one second,
- But how's his health?
- Regrettably perfect,
- Any live wires above?
Or explosives in his pocket?
None?
- I'm afraid we'll have to turn to higher authorities,
Number Two might be able to help us,
- Oh, please, Number One, no!
- I'm not going to spend an eternity on this shitty street
because of you!
Number Two will definitely report you,
but it's your own neglect,
- Shit!
- No, please! No cursing,
Thank you, You may go,
- Oh, no,
I want to see this,
- One,
Others,
- I wish you wouldn't always reek of war,
- Who else do you suppose is qualified?
- Yes, I know, we are sorry to disturb you in your work,
but we are facing a bit of a problem,
- I say you do,
Who's responsible for this cook up?
Remind me to report you,
- We'll deal with the disciplinary issues later,
Can you make this right?
- For your information,
I am charged with an A-level alteration,
What level is this chap? Z?
- So, who's your subject?
- It's classified, but,,,
It's Hitler,
- What? Uncle Adolf?
- I was at his 100th birthday, when I took Eva Braun,
- Her too,
- Oh, dear!
- Do they still have time to publish
their wonderful memoirs?
"Love wins all,"
- Not a chance,
- Aw!
I so enjoyed the watercolor exhibition
they did with Churchill,
- I'm sorry, and you would be?
- Oh, just a passerby,
Not involved in this blunder,
- So, you will have to deal with this, Mr, Handjob,
on your own,
I'm quite sure you know who to turn to,
Gotta fly,
- Did he mean,
- No, no, no, he wouldn't!
- That's it!
It is time to call in,,,
The Fixer,
- Oh, Oh, no,
- Isn't that a bit too hasty?
I mean, when that Hiroshima schoolgirl
run down to one second,
he took out the whole city,
- Yes, and remember that toothless crone a while back,
who even knew her?
Was it really necessary to sink the whole Atlantis?
- Well, you should have considered that
before you left young master Henchop unattended,
Now, it is down to The Fixer,
- Number One!
Long time, no see!
- Not long enough,
Sadly, this meeting is unavoidable,
- So, who do we have here?
Huh?
Uh huh, uh huh,
So, you want me to fix this?
- We need you to,
However, I would hope you could do this
without causing a global catastrophe
that requires the whole of history to be rewritten,
- Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh,
- Let me see,
- Volcano? Tsunami?
- Thank you, I'm sure The Fixer can manage on his own,
- No, but it's a good thought,
- Is there any way you could extinguish Mr, Henchop here
without causing us all due overtime?
- I don't know,
Depends how badly you want him gone,
- No need for theatricals, please,
- Hmm,
There's a nuclear power plant two miles from here,
- Here we go!
- I can make it explode,
- Mm, that will not do, Not do at all,
- I see half a million dead,
- You're just eager for more fireworks, aren't you?
- Well,,,
- Couldn't you give him a heart failure or something?
- You know, I can only change objects, not people,
That's your task,
- Well, we all made blunders in the past,
- Pfft, not me,
- You as well,
- What? When?
- I hate to bring this up, but,,,
- Well,,,
- If you don't agree to find a peaceful solution,
I'm afraid I'll have to tell on you,
- Pfft! I've got immunity,
Your reports are futile,
- I don't mean a daily report,
I mean, on the Day of Reckoning,
- You mean,,,
To Him?
Yes, to Him,
- About?
- About one poor Jew, 2000 years ago,
- Ah, don't go there,
- Who was the casualty,
when our Fixer here was too eager to extinguish a thief,
- All right, all right!
I admit that death led to an unexpected outcome,
but I would be glad if we could all just forget about it,
- Well then?
- Got it!
About two miles above us, there's a small meteorite,
dashing down towards us at 15 miles per second,
Just a fist sized rock,
It'll land in less than a second
on an empty field southeast,
No one will ever know about it,
- But?
- But halfway down, there's a weather balloon,
It barely misses,
Now, if I go back one second,
and make the wind blow the balloon off its course
just three feet,
the meteorite will crash into it,
This will break the meteorite into two parts,
One chip, the size of halfpenny, will be thrown this way,
It will land right there,
Now, taking into account the velocity of mister, mister,,,
- Can you just tell us, will it definitely hit him?
- Like a bullet, right in his forehead,
- Without causing any more damage?
- No, no, no damage,
- Thank you,
- Well, it seems you've had a narrow escape,
- Thank you, Number One,
Thank you, Fixer,
- My pleasure,
- Your pleasure is exactly what I'm afraid of,
Well, that's it, everyone,
Back to work!
- It was fun,
- Hm, cutie,
- What the fuck is that?
- Well,,,
It seems a meteorite has just hit
the nuclear power plant,
Sorry,
- Please leave a message after the tone,
- Dr, Sander, are you coming in anytime soon?
Your first insomnia patient
has been waiting for a while now,
- Just give me a second!
- Thank you for choosing
Dr, Sander's Sleep Cure,
Be sure to rewind, please,
- Doctor, you've gotta help me, I can't stay awake,
I have these dreams where I'm someone else during the day,
during the night, school, in the car,,,
Doctor?
Doctor Sander?
- Quiet, please, quiet!
Thank you,
It has come to our notion
that the current number of characters
in Dr, Sander's nightmares may not be sufficient
to secure our place in the Guinness Book of Records,
- That's not possible!
He must be joking,
- Bad news, bad news,
- Therefore, a decision is on the horizon,
Shall we increase the number of characters,
aiming to surpass the current record?
Doctors, if you endorse this motion,
signify it with a "yes",
- Yes,
- Mhm, - Yes,
- Yes,
- Yes!
- Yes, - Yes,
- Mm, yes,
- Yes, - Yes!
- Yes, - Yes,
- Uh, yes,
- No,
- What?
- Just kidding,
Yes!
- Motion passed unanimously!
Doctors, congratulations,
We have a new Guinness World Record,
♪ I want to be your breakfast ♪
♪ I want to be your brunch, ♪
♪ And I lay myself down for your lunch ♪
♪ I'll be your morning coffee ♪
♪ Sugar or saccharine ♪
♪ Evenings your Xanax, mornings Benzedrine ♪
♪ No escape, I'm your fixation ♪
♪ Haunting you, your sweet hallucination ♪
♪ In summer, your sunburn fever ♪
♪ Winter, your frostbite's pain ♪
♪ Whenever you blink, hey there, I am again ♪
♪ I'm both your brake and pedal ♪
♪ A cure and a diagnosis ♪
♪ I'm both your underweight and overdose ♪
♪ Nightly, your sleeping potion ♪
♪ Daily, your dopamine ♪
♪ I'm your hangover and your aspirin ♪
♪ I'm devoted to be your favorite sin ♪
♪ Your flu and COVID ♪
♪ Your full 20 and bathtub gin ♪
♪ I'll be your every cravings ♪
♪ Infinite smorgasbord ♪
♪ Come take a bite, and you'll run back for more ♪
♪ All your nightmares, all your dreams come true ♪
♪ I'll make them real, 'cause I will stick with you ♪