My parents are getting a divorce,
They have not informed me of this
and sadly aren't even aware of it themselves,
but it's inevitable,
That's mom, Laurie,
She works at a pet store,
After her mom died of lung cancer five years ago,
she gave up smoking and turned into this fitness nut,
Who is always experimenting
with the latest fad diet,
Her current obsession?
Kize bars,
With all natural ingredients from five continents,
Kize bars?
That's dad,
Phil,
As long as he can remember,
he's dreamed of being a musician,
Like most artists, he works in the food service industry,
He also has a somewhat different attitude
toward health and fitness than mom,
While they share few common interests,
there is one thing they both love to do with each other,
Mm,
- What are you doing? - I have an ingrown,
Wait, are you clipping your toenails on the floor?
I can't see in the bathroom,
You could throw a towel down so it collects the nails,
Phil, I have to go to work,
Okay?
Just, just, I don't know how to use a swifter,
What do you, how do you now know,
it's a swiffer, first of all!
I swear,
I know you think I'm out to get you
and I wanna grab your balls and put 'em in a,
what is that thing?
A nutcracker,
Okay,
I think that you ended up doing it on purpose,
That's my opinion,
She can't just lay the compliment in there,
She has to undercut it somehow,
and so I walk away feeling worse than without-
- at least I, at least I gave you a compliment,
I'd rather not have the compliment,
You didn't give me one,
What do you think?
But aside from the verbal sparring,
there's little else they have in common,
In fact, at this point,
it's almost as if the only that connects them
to each other is me,
I met Erin two years ago,
The first thing she said to me was,
"I'm obsessed with serial,"
I replied, "I'm pretty big into French toast,"
It was months before I realized
she was talking about a podcast,
I cannot imagine two people more wrong for each other,
I know, Damien,
It's like, you want to know what yesterday's argument
was about?
The usefulness of the electoral college?
The recycling not getting put out,
Aren't you supposed to do that?
I am, but I forgot and they were arguing over who forgot
to remind me,
It's like every day they find something
to argue about that's completely ridiculous,
Wow, sounds like a broken record,
I know!
It's so annoying!
You know, sometimes I just wish they'd get a divorce
so we could all move on,
You don't mean that,
I'm kidding,
- Ha, - Kind of,
I really don't know why they got married
in the first place,
- Um- - hey, Damien,
- Erin, - Hey!
Mind if I join you guys?
Oh,
Sure, take a seat right there,
Cool,
- So- - who's the girl?
What?
Isn't that why you're talking to us?
What do you mean?
I bet you it's leanne kolb,
I was going to say leanne too,
How'd you guys know?
I dunno,
Maybe it's because you blindly follow her
like a zombie after ze French class every day?
- No I don't, - Oh,
Then why'd you walk into the girls' restroom last week?
Okay, fine!
I am crazy about her,
When I see her it's just like, um-
- like, you can't put it into words?
Yeah,
You guys are good,
Well, it's $50 plus whatever expenses we incur,
Whoa,
But, you can get her to like me?
Like, like-me like-me?
Oh,
No no no no no,
What?
I, I thought that's what you guys do?
No,
That's what Chris kovach said,
And Neil rylance,
Yuri, Yuri, you've been misinformed,
Yeah you can't make someone like someone else, Yuri,
Haven't you seen "hitch?"
The movie?
"Hitch?"
No?
Wow,
So what do you guys do?
We create opportunities,
And for that you charge $50?
Plus expenses,
So?
Shall we give it a go?
Okay,
- Who is she, Mary poppins? - Well, you know,
Uv rays, global warming, the sun,
What happened to your shirt?
We just saw you at lunch?
We made red velvet cake in home-ec',
Great, trade with me,
C'mon, let's go, let's go,
Okay,
Yep,
- And- - uh, Damien?
You're killin' me, man,
There we go,
Here you go,
Oh my god,
She's coming!
- You're good, you're good, - Button it?
No, you're good just like that,
Fold the sleeves,
Oh,
Okay!
Did you guys steal her umbrella?
Briefly borrowed it,
Mm-hmm,
Shall we?
Here is your weapon of choice,
You'll need this,
You'll know what to do with it,
You know what?
I don't think I like her anymore,
Yeah you do,
Oh come on,
Just give him a chance,
There we go,
You wanna?
Mm-hm,
- Yes I read the email, - Okay,
And what did the email say?
It was you being like, "yeah, I guess she's okay,
She's so, she's like sort of pretty,"
What?
That's not what I said!
Oh, you said you didn't like my dress to the funeral,
Are you out of your mind?
- No, yeah- - I don't even remember it,
I wish I had recorded this conversation,
I listened to the one episode you recommended to me,
and it was just, it was all right, it wasn't the best,
I'm sure there's better one's, but it was like-
- hey heads up,
Yeah, that's not happening,
Dream on, lover boy,
That is mean,
You're mean,
- Oh, oh wow, that's- - I thought it was
just pringles in there,
Nope, it's uh, yep,
Coins,
I was about to be disappointed,
And it's quarters!
$50 plus expenses,
- Thank you, - Well I'm glad
we could be of service,
Thank you guys,
Oh,
Well that's new,
- Not a single dollar bill, - Nope,
I guess we'll count them?
Hey!
To what do I owe the pleasure?
Can I have the keys?
I gotta make a deposit,
Mm-hmm,
Here you go,
- Oh- - mom,
- Here, - Thank you,
Hi!
Oh, looks like someone got away,
What can I say?
She doesn't like to be tied down,
"Losey,"
It's just an obscure world war ii reference,
Robert m, Losey, first American casualty?
Not so obscure,
Wow,
Aren't you something else?
God,
Can you believe this creep?
Of course he sees the ring, and yet, he doesn't even care,
It's no wonder why half of all marriages fail,
Shit,
What the heck?
2004?
They said they got married in 2003,
- Hey, uncle Rick? - Hey, Damien!
Hey man, what the hell are you doing out here?
- I- - get in here, brother,
- I just- - all right, what's up, man?
Uh, wanted to ask you something in person,
Ask me what?
Did my parents have a shotgun wedding?
Ha,
They did, didn't they?
- Um- - I, I found this,
They said they got married may third, 2003,
but this marriage certificate says 2004,
which is, seven months before I was born,
I-
- I always wondered why they eloped,
instead of just having a wedding, but I, I get it now,
This explains so much,
Hey, I should get back,
It's good seeing you,
All right, man,
Love you,
I'm Dr, Roger eggbert,
Dean of the university of southern California,
Hey,
Ugh, not this pinko,
- What are you- - hey!
Do you guys want to see a movie today?
Erin gave me passes that expire this weekend,
Wouldn't you rather go with her?
No, no,
It's raj's birthday today,
I just thought we could see it together since,
we're a family-
- sure,
- I mean- - yeah,
No, yeah yeah yeah,
Sure,
What do you want to see?
I dunno, it's up to you guys,
Oh, you know what looks great?
What?
- "Last night at noon," - What is that?
It's this new Terrence malick movie
with lupita nyong'o, Tom courtenay and Michael Shannon,
- Oh my god, - Looks awesome,
He's in ninth grade, and I get headaches when I nap,
Okay, well, what do you want to see?
Um, how about "hunted and gathered?"
I'm not going to see a vin diesel movie,
Why?
I can't understand anything the guy says!
He's constantly mumbling,
"Yo yo yo,"
You know, it's all about the family,
Yo, it's about the cash, trains, cars-,,,
That's a bad, that's a very bad impression,
It's spot-on,
At least people actually know who vin diesel is,
I definitely can't hear you with peanut butter
in your mouth,
That makes me sound more like him,
You're eating it out of the jar?
Lupita won an academy award, okay?
Kize?
Losey guy!
It should be good,
Everybody put on your wetsuit,
we're going to make sure everything works out okay for you,
I'm not sure if we have something to fit you,
Why would you follow him?
Okay, so, here's what I was thinking, all right?
We set my mom up with someone, she's happy,
We do the same for my dad, he's happy,
Then I'm happy, we all win,
Tie this for me?
Yo, no, literally, though, you should see this guy,
He is perfect for my mom,
Same cheesy taste in movies, same politics,
He's a history buff, a jock, he's even a dog owner,
Wait, you don't own a dog,
Yeah, because my dad's allergic,
Oh, this guy eats kize bars,
Seriously, kize bars,
I'm pretty sure they're the only two people
on the planet who can stomach those things,
Well, I don't even think you've even had one of those,
Literally, I'm, I'm telling you this guy's got way more
in common with my than my dad will-slash-ever have,
I'm assuming he's attracted to her seeing
as I caught him creepily flirting with her,
Everyone is attracted to your mom,
She's gorgeous!
Yeah, that's why I'm saying we find someone
for my dad first,
No no no no no,
I am not helping you with this,
C'mon!
We do stuff like this all the time,
Mm-mm,
I can't do this without you, Erin,
Damien,
I get it, okay?
I used to blame myself all the time
for my parents' problems too, but,
really, you don't want this,
I promise you,
Yeah,
Well, your parents are where I got the idea from,
I see how happy your mom is with kunal,
And your dad and Mara seem really happy together,
You know, I'll have to get braces again,
Wait, what are you talking about?
Well, apparently I've been grinding
my teeth together when I sleep,
I had to get a mouth guard,
My dentist?
He was like, "what do you have to be so stressed out about?"
I don't know, maybe it's because I come home
every day my parents are at each other's throats,
I can't take it anymore, I'm sick of it,
Thanks!
Cute hair,
See, that is what I want,
Look,
My parents were in much worse shape than yours, okay?
They were constantly arguing and sleeping
in different rooms, I mean,
they were hiding things from each other,
Hey, wait, whoa,
What do you mean, what do you mean hiding things?
My mom opened up her own bank account
that my dad didn't know about,
and my dad was seeing a psychiatrist
that my mom didn't know about,
Look,
I know things seem bad between them right now,
but believe me they could be much, much worse,
Tell your father thanks for me,
that he forgot his phone
and I had to drive all the way out here,
Wanna bite?
Never,
Are you sure?
C'mon,
No, no,
Get that thing away from me,
No, oh, god, it smells good,
No!
Stop, please,
Just, phone,
Dad,
Okay,
What happened?
How could you quit your job?
Would you calm down?
No!
Back to my original question: How could you quit your job?
Can you go to your room?
No, stay here,
You've been lying to us both, face it like a man,
He gave me an ultimatum,
Okay?
He was gonna promote Joyce to assistant manager
because he's with her, which meant I was gonna have
to manager, or he was gonna let me go!
So I, let me get this straight,
You quit your job, because he was trying to promote you,
and give you more money?
Am I hearing that right?
Laurie, if I took the job I'd be working
like 55 hours a week,
Oh,
And then you won't have any time
for your music stuff, right?
Way to take the initiative, Phil!
You know somethin'?
While we're on the topic of keeping things from each other?
Is there anything that you want to tell us?
What are you talking about?
Gee, I don't know,
What could I possibly be talking about?
I don't know, Phil, what are you talking about?
What is this?
Huh?
How long has this been going on?
Bet you didn't even quit,
Well, I just want to say,
I still feel really conflicted about this,
Noted,
Hey, look, I, I'm glad you're here,
Really,
I told you, I, I can't do this without you,
What do you think?
I'm not sure any of these women are your dad's type,
Well that's a polite way of saying
there's no way they'd be into him,
- I didn't say that, - Well I'm saying it!
I mean, look at them,
Look at those guys,
They probably have six pack abs an, you know,
go to the dentist,
My dad can't even tie a tie,
He can tie a tie,
Yeah, not without consulting YouTube,
I'm just saying, if we're gonna find someone
for your dad, then we should go some place
where we can find someone like him,
So you're saying like a shaved ice truck?
I meant someone who's been married?
Okay, so, like, like your parents did,
Uh, okay, uh, where do divorced women hang out?
You know what next Saturday is, don't you?
The frickin' bake sale,
The bake sale fundraiser was like a modern day cotillion
for the divorced mothers of patient hearts prep,
Giving them the perfect opportunity to become acquainted
with the divorced fathers of patient hearts prep,
I knew convincing dad to come along
wouldn't take much arm twisting,
Hey, dad, wanna go to a bake sale?
Yeah,
So, Erin, how's eighth grade been treating you?
Ninth grade, dad,
Oh,
I don't think I realized you were a year ahead of Damien,
She isn't,
Let me just give you a little cashola,
- Oh, I have money- - no no no, it's fine,
This is my lucky two, so,
Um, how much is this stuff?
It's different for each stand,
Where is the atm?
Past the koi pond, right next to the Blackjack tables,
There is no atm, dad, it's a school,
Okay, funny guy,
Uh, I'm gonna have to go move some funds around,
All right here, take this,
I owe you 17,
Okay,
Let me get the two back, two back,
Um, dad, I'll give it to you later, can you just-
- I need the two it's lucky!
Wow!
All right, let's get this over with,
Whoa,
What are you crossing out?
Uh, those who are married or are already in relationships,
Didn't Ms, Taylor just get divorced?
Yeah, but, according to her happen profile,
after 16 years of marriage,
all she wants now is an nsafwb relationship,
All genders welcome,
Well, okay,
Yeah!
Which leaves us with six women,
Kinda feels like a school dance,
The way it works is, the boys move
to the prettier girls first,
And once those girls decide, they move onto the others,
May wanna cross off Ms, Ryan, too,
Okay,
How about Ms, Trevino?
She's a corporate attorney,
Your father wouldn't have to work?
I don't think my dad's my dad's much
of a corporate attorney type,
Okay,
Then how about Ms, Collender?
Owns a vintage clothing store,
Would you really want to be step-brothers
with Malcolm and ren?
Fair enough,
How about Ms, Boggs?
Well hey, she's not that bad-looking,
Is that all you guys think about?
- No, - Okay, good,
'Cause I think she's very pretty,
And, she's a computer programmer, which is kind of creative,
like your dad,
I mean, of course, you'd have to be step-sibs with Carly,
I could make that work,
Nobody's perfect,
Wait, what'd she make?
Uh, Reese's peanut butter cheesecake,
My dad loves cheesecake and he loves peanut butter!
He puts it on cereal,
Oh, yeah, I've seen him,
I think she could be the one,
Great, where's your dad?
I dunno, uh, you stand guard,
Any of these dummies move in on her,
punch 'em in the crotch,
Will do, dude,
Dad?
Peanut butter cheesecake,
Hey, dad, you gotta come outside,
What're you doing?
- Dad, - Hang on a sec,
It sounds much better,
Dad, there is some chocolate peanut butter cheesecake
that you have to try,
Peanut butter?
Uh, hang on a second,
It's my fault,
Your dad heard my awful playing and came to the rescue,
I don't want to keep you,
No, no no,
We almost got it,
I think you got it,
All right, great job, dad,
Let's go,
- That was remarkable, - Thanks,
Hey Mr, Cross!
Well, why don't you join the school play?
They're looking for a pianist,
What?
What's the show?
"Guys and gals,"
You mean "guys and dolls?"
No,
Definitely not,
We can't afford the rights to that,
Ah,
You know, I actually played sky Masterson in high school?
Hey, great story, dad, let's go,
Really, I played Sarah brown in college,
Get outta town,
- Are you serious? - Yeah, mm-hmm,
Oh my god!
You're, like, famous!
- No, - That's huge!
Nah,
But, Mr, Logan's carpal tunnel has flared up,
so, we are looking for a replacement,
Mmm,
Well, I was kinda lookin for somethin' part-time,
but, uh, I don't know,
I feel like it would be weird if I'm in it and Damien isn't,
Oh, well he was thinking of joining, weren't you, Damien?
You weren't at auditions this week?
Oh, well, he's just being shy,
You know, he was talking to me about
how he'd never been a part of a play before
and he thought it'd be really interesting
to be part of one now,
So,
Well, I'm sure you could probably
use an extra stagehand, right?
Yeah,
Yeah, we could always use more stagehands,
I could be a stagehand,
Of course you can,
Great!
Okay, and, are you, available?
Uh, um, yeah,
Sure,
- Okay! - Why not?
- Cool! - It'll be fun,
- Yeah,
- Awesome, - Cool,
Okay,
- So, sky Masterson, - Yeah,
Totally played it different than Marlon,
- Oh, - Yeah, I mean,
he was like, so low energy-
- yeah, - In his performance?
I figured, what if you played the comedy?
That's an interesting choice,
Uh-huh,
You have tapes of this?
- Oh my god, yes, - There's no way,
She's way out of his league,
Well, some women are into artsy guys,
And she practically lit up
when I suggested he join the play,
I think she has a crush on him,
I think you're certifiable,
Yeah, and I think you're bad at telling
when a girl's into a guy,
- What are you talking about? - Nothing,
What about Ms, Boggs?
You got me so excited for her,
She's far more realistic,
Yeah, what about her?
I know, they're exchanging phone numbers,
It's great,
If I'm doing this play, so are you,
Okay, sounds like fun,
You're so annoying,
So, have you registered for scuba diving lessons yet?
Yeah,
Took like half the money I made this year,
Wow,
Well, isn't your mom going to think it's a little weird
you signed up, especially when she sees
who the instructor is?
She doesn't know I paid for them,
Oh,
Touché,
Thanks for bringing me,
Someone's nervous,
Oh, no I'm not,
I'm excited, that's all,
Good morning!
Some of you may be able to surmise,
I suffered a minor case of the bends recently,
It's my fault, I ascended too quickly,
But the good news is, the doctors say,
a few more chemical peels, you'll hardly be able
to see any scarring,
Ha!
I'm just kiddin' ya,
Haha,
See, I'm perfectly fine,
Here, you know what?
Just in case,
You might need that,
Just kidding,
It's perfectly safe,
Scuba diving is absolutely one of the safest
things you can do, when performed correctly,
And that's why we're here,
To learn how to do it correctly,
See?
This is just makeup, it's perfectly fine,
Welcome to frank's underwater sports, I'm frank,
All right, first question I have for you guys is,
who here signed up alone?
Anyone, anyone?
Exactly,
No one did,
Partly because you were required to sign up with a partner,
but also because, like life,
scuba diving is much more enjoyable when experienced
with a partner,
So let's go around and let's meet everybody,
How about you guys first?
Hello everyone!
I'm Susan, this is my husband Doyle,
Our daughter is taking us to the Caribbean
for our 40th anniversary in July,
So, that's why we're here,
Wow,
The Ruby anniversary, huh?
Congratulations,
- Thank you, - How about you guys?
Hello,
My name is xi and this is my wife Cheng,
Hi,
She signed us up, without me knowing,
Okay!
Glad to have you with us,
Hey,
Wait a minute, bone dog boutique, right?
Yeah,
Losey dog?
Yes!
Uh, folks, listen,
For any of your pet needs, go to bone dog boutique,
- run by- - oh!
Laurie if I'm correct?
Good memory,
And this is my son, Damien,
Damien, nice to meet you,
What brings you guys to scuba class?
Well, Damien here won first place
at his school's geography fair,
and the prize was lessons for two,
Okay, Magellan,
Let's see if I can stump ya,
What's the capital of, Singapore?
Singapore?
Dang!
I thought I'd get you with that one,
Nicely done,
Okay, let's get in the pool!
Feel like I zone out,
Yeah, rather than like hammering just feels so violent,
Have you never used a hammer before?
Oh, two times a day for two minutes,
That's a toothbrush,
No, no,
This is new, but, I think I'm getting the hang of it,
Oh,
Does that say hollub outside?
Hollub prep?
The montagues to our capulets?
The glinda to our elphaba?
The javert to our Jean valjean?
Does that ring a bell?
Hm?
They're only our big drama department rival,
- Oh no, - Who's that?
What are you wearing?
Did you take a shower?
Mm,
You shouldn't have to think,
Ah, and great,
You're wearing socks and sandals,
And they're, you got different pairs of socks on!
What are you doing?
Will you relax?
You sound like your mom,
Phil!
- Hi, - Hi, how are you, vivien?
It's Robin,
Is it really?
Mm-hmm,
Oh my god, I'm sorry,
- I- - it's okay,
Sorry about that,
I'm terrible with names,
It's fine, it's fine!
I, I, I'm always screwing up,
It's all right,
So wait, I'm sorry,
Is it, which one is it?
Is it Robin or vivien?
It's Robin,
Mm-hmm, that's what I thought,
- Yep, - I got this,
- Okay! - All right, Robin,
I'm gonna get to the piano,
Okay,
Unfortunately, that was just the beginning,
He was a disaster,
He was rude,
He was disgusting,
Excuse me,
And, he was obnoxious,
So, "guys and dolls" is based on,
"The idyll of miss Sarah brown" by Damon runyon,
Now the tone of-
- actually, that's not entirely accurate,
It also borrows heavily from "blood pressure",
which is another short story by Damon runyon,
Sorry, go ahead,
Thanks, Phil,
Now, the tone,
The tone of-
like, really obnoxious,
I'm sorry,
There's also elements
and characters from other short stories of his,
most notably, "pick the winner",
Anyone?
D,r, Is one of the best authors I've ever read,
Shel silverstein is a poet, ugh, phenomenal romance novel,
And I have a signed copy of it by his brother,
"Where the sidewalk," is it begins or ends?
- Ends, - I never read shel,
Where the sidewalk ends" it's a very good book,
And like, the legs sticking out-
there were so many things
wrong with him, I didn't know where to begin,
So I decided it was best to start with the superficial,
It's fine, you can just-
hey, not bad,
I suppose it's an improvement,
Okay, here he comes, here he comes,
Hopefully he takes advantage,
Phil, hey,
I got it!
Nope,
It was under my shoe,
You just ate that off the ground?
Okay,
That was, um, it wasn't, that was good!
Wow,
Things are going better with your mom,
So,
Nice work today,
Thanks,
Some of us are going to doms for happy hour
if you're not too spent?
Hey, it's been a while since you had a cheat day,
Guess who!
Hey, Tasha,
What are you doing here?
Got off early,
Thought I'd surprise you,
Are you upset?
No, I'm not upset,
Hi, I'm Tasha,
Hi,
Oh, uh, Laurie,
My son,
- Three, four, five, six- - oh,
It's okay,
Let's try it again,
- Five, six, seven, eight, - What was I thinking?
Of course he'd have a girlfriend,
Well, maybe they're not serious,
Yeah,
All this time I thought my mom would be the easy one,
Well, then it's a sign your parents
are meant to be together,
Stop it,
You know I don't believe in signs,
- Hey, Erin! - Hey!
Um, Jason is having a, uh, crawfish boil
at his dad's warehouse tonight if you're interested?
Sorry, Lou,
We already have plans tonight,
Thanks anyways,
Yeah,
Okay,
Sure,
No problem, sorry,
Hey, what plans?
Oh c'mon, I was saving you,
From what?
Ow, ow, ow,
Apparently Jason throws good parties,
I'm sure they're like every other ninth grade party,
They start with bad karaoke and end with an awkward game
of spin the bottle,
Yeah, we always skipped those,
Yeah, you're welcome,
Anyways, I'm not really in a festive mood tonight,
Okay, um,
well, want to see "return of the undead 3"
or something?
I do, just, just not on opening weekend,
Three, four, five, six,
Don't worry, Jason,
You'll get it,
Okay, everybody, circle up,
We're done for the day,
All right,
Got one more announcement,
It's taking me a little longer to finish painting
these backgrounds, so, we're going to have
to postpone to April 14th,
Sorry, guys,
Good job,
April 14th!
What?
That's the day I graduate from scuba class,
Well, class is in the morning, play's at night,
It's fine,
You're missing the point,
We're on the exact same schedule now,
So what?
Are you saying you think it's a sign?
No,
'Course not,
You don't believe in signs,
Right,
Yeah it's, uh, it's an encouraging development,
Don't you think?
So,
Party?
Fine,
Where's Lou at?
Agh, come on!
He likes dirt,
- He's dirty, - Dirty,
Welcome to the rest of your lives,
Oh, god,
Just take this,
Holy crap,
Who is that guy?
That's Jason's dad,
The divorce hasn't been easy on him,
I can see that,
He's doing a lot better than his ex,
She got a tummy tuck, rhinoplasty and a boob job,
And then afterwards, she got addicted
to the pain killers and now she's in rehab,
But she looks amazing,
So good,
That's super depressing,
Hey, karaoke,
Let's go!
My parents went through a rough time
when they split up too,
Oh, man,
I don't even want to think about what would happen
if my parents broke up,
And were alone?
What do you mean?
C'mon, you've seen my dad,
The guy can hardly take care of himself,
Well, your mom seems pretty stable,
Please,
Look what happened when my grandma died,
She got all ocd about exercising, eating, kize bars!
I'm not even sure what's going on with her, really,
Honestly, left to their own devices,
I'm not sure what they would be capable of,
That's why I can't let them end up alone,
Yo,
Uh, we're gonna go upstairs, soon as my dad passes out,
Sup, guys?
Um, y'all playin' that game?
- Are y'all coming? - Erin!
You should totally come,
No, sorry,
I think we're good,
Aw,
Are you scared that someone else is going
to kiss your girlfriend?
She's not my girlfriend, okay?
We're just friends,
Yeah, they're just friends,
Chill, bro,
Yeah, okay,
Enjoy your crawfish,
Well, I think I'll play,
What?
Uh, could you excuse us for a second?
- Hm? - What are you doing?
Well, I've never played before!
So,
Let's just get out of here,
Well, if you don't want to play you don't have to,
If you're, I dunno-
- if I'm, if I'm, what?
If I'm scared?
Damien, it's me,
It's fine!
It's fun, it's fun,
'Kay, fine,
Uh, yeah I'll play too,
Let's, uh, spin this bottle,
No,
Yes!
Ah, wow,
Very funny,
Hey,
We're all friends here,
Especially you two,
The hell is this?
Close one, right?
Thought you had a reservation?
Yeah, she canceled it,
Do you want to grab lunch?
I don't know what's close,
We could go to the soup place?
I know you love their croutons,
Hey, look who it is,
Hi!
You guys just finish playing?
Uh, no, there was a snafu with our reservation,
What about you?
We're about to play now, if she ever shows up,
Ah!
There she is,
Guys?
This is Kayla, my sister,
Kayla, Damien and Laurie,
- Hi, - What happened to Tasha?
Does she not play tennis?
- Oh, god, - All right,
She does, but, uh, Tasha and I are no more,
It's a very difficult time for all of us,
Stop it,
Hey,
Do you mind if we play doubles?
All right, let's see what you got,
- Great, - Okay,
All right, what you got?
Come on, frank!
Yes,
And then we went to ruggles
and they ordered the exact same thing,
The fiesta salad with the chicken breast,
No cheese, no croutons, no flavor at all,
Huh,
Fascinating,
They are so similar,
they even grit their teeth the same way when they swear,
Uh-huh,
That is not even the best part, though,
Oh, there's something better than the swearing?
Yeah, frank said he's throwing a party after graduation,
Mm,
I think that could be the best time to, you know, take it
to the next level,
Ew,
Of course, that, uh, still leaves my dad,
Well, I mean, you know, he's not doing that bad,
He stopped calling her vivien,
Yeah, I guess I'm just worried he's going
to get stuck in the friend-zone now,
What do you mean?
Well, you know,
When two people become friends it's, just,
impossible for them to become a couple,
You think it's impossible?
You don't?
Well, if two friends can get along well,
then they should get along well as a couple,
It's like they say, you wanna marry your best friend, right?
I mean, in that case, you and I should go out, right?
What are they looking at?
Oh my god,
Oh,
Christine ferkel's boobs,
When did this happen?
Well, they started coming in last year,
we had pe together,
It's like I'm looking at a completely different person,
It is unexpected to say the least,
What?
That could be it,
What do you mean?
If my dad can show Ms, Scarpinito,
like a, whole 'nother side of him, something
- that she hasn't seen before- - uh-huh,
Maybe that'll change the way she looks at him, and get him
out of the friend-zone?
Okay, but what side of him?
One, two, Three, four,
Five, six, seven, eight,
One, two, three, four-
- agh- - it's okay,
Uh, let's, try it again,
Quit it,
Is everything okay, Erin?
Yeah!
Uh, yeah,
Everything's, everything's fine,
Okay!
Hi,
Um, suggestion,
I was wondering if,
maybe, maybe Mr, Cross could demonstrate for Jason?
Huh?
Well, you played the part in high school, right dad?
Well, I mean, it was a totally different play,
Yeah, but it's the same choreography, right?
Well, no,
Well, it's not exactly the same,
That was "guys & dolls",
This is "guys & gals",
Jason could find it helpful?
I don't know,
I don't think it's a good idea,
If it helps Jason's performance, it couldn't hurt to try,
Dad, why don't you give it a shot?
You could do it with Ms, Scarpinito,
I-
- I mean, I guess we could try,
All right,
Let's do it,
Go easy on me,
Okay,
They don't look like friends anymore,
Was that helpful?
- Mm-hm, - It was fine,
You know, I'm really happy we're doing this play together,
I don't know if I should go with the rancher,
or, you know what else looked good?
It was the b-e-l-t,
Can you just pick something, please,
- Bacon, eggs, lettuce- - excuse me?
It takes you forever to make the simplest decision,
It's not "Sophie's choice", it's a meal,
Just pick something,
Ah, Damien,
I know you wouldn't believe it,
but your mom wasn't always like this,
Mm-hm,
There was a time your mom was actually pretty frickin' cool,
Sometimes, we would come to diners,
kinda like this one, and, this woman would
just blurt something out, and we would just stage a fight
in front of the whole place, and everyone would just be,
like, staring at us,
What d'ya mean he's not my son?
He looks just like me!
Look at the coif!
Look at his earlobes,
They're gonna believe you,
I'm so sorry,
Well, Damien, your father, didn't always used
to be like this,
Oh?
He used to fog up the bathroom, and leave me haikus
on the mirror,
He used to do a lot of stuff like that,
He was more than just fun,
Are you ready?
Um, actually, I'm sorry,
I need a couple minutes,
I got it narrowed,
I'm just not sure if I want to go breakfast
- for dinner- - mom!
Mom, could you move?
I need to use the restroom,
Oh,
I'll be right back, tell me what I missed,
- Give me all your money! - Ah!
Oh!
Um, hey, hey, uh, what are you doing here?
Oh, my parents decided to go out to argue for a change,
What about you?
Hm,
Um, well I'm, I'm kind of meeting someone,
What do you mean, I'm right here?
- Um- - what is that?
Makeup?
Ah, shit on a biscuit,
Here comes Lou,
Hey, Erin,
- Um- - hey,
Oh!
- I- - there,
You, uh, look very nice today,
Oh, thanks,
Thank you,
Oh!
Uh, sup Damien?
Lou,
Um, are you ready?
- Yeah, sure, - Ready for what?
Erin and I have a date!
That's funny,
No, really, what's going on?
We have a date,
Erin's dad gets free movie passes,
So,
- Oh, does he? - Yeah,
It's so awesome!
We are going to watch "return of the undead 3",
So-
- can I talk to you for a second?
- We're talking right now? - In private?
Um, it's, it's okay,
I was going to get candy from the store
around the corner anyways,
'cause it's so expensive at the movie theaters,
Really?
Candy's more expensive at the theater?
Oh yeah!
So much more expensive,
So, um, do you want anything?
I'm fine,
Thanks,
All right,
Yeah,
What is this?
What?
Oh, don't go all "black mirror" on me,
What, what's going on?
Oh, well, he asked me
if I wanted chicken fingers yesterday,
And then, asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend
and I said, "sure,"
Wow,
Sounds like he really swept you off your feet,
What are you getting?
I am getting breakfast for dinner, two eggs,
Turkey bacon, side of wheat toast, probably won't eat it,
you can have it, you always do, orange juice,
coffee, the end,
Great,
I'll have that as well,
Oh my god,
Actually, you know what?
- Now I'm reconsidering, - Oh my god,
Is this, is it out of pity?
Does he have like some incurable disease
that only you know about?
He's not dying, Damien,
Then why are you going out with him?
I don't know?
'Cause he's nice?
Oh, he's nice?
Yeah, he never has a mean thing to say about anyone, so,
Who else am I supposed to go out with?
I don't know,
I hadn't really thought about it,
By the way, I thought we were gonna to see,
"return of the undead 3" but, whatever,
guess we're not going to,
Yeah, well, I was tired of waiting for you, so,
So, I got skittles and whatever this thing is,
Oh, she doesn't like skittles,
they get stuck in her teeth,
Skittles are fine, thank you,
Um, I think we should get going,
We don't want to miss the trailers,
So, yeah,
Okay,
See ya,
Yeah, have a nice time,
Thank you so much, Damien,
- You're so nice, - Yeah, let's go,
Thank you, Damien!
You did this,
It's your fault,
We're leaving,
Honey, you coulda had a piece of bread, okay?
In 2014, Japan's ueno zoo '
temporarily closed its popular panda exhibit
to give shin shin and ri ri some alone time
to discover if they were suitable mating partners,
I'd say people really aren't that much different,
That is, can't know how compatible two people
are unless you can get them alone,
We've been vandalized,
Yup,
By a sick individual,
Somebody broke in here,
A maniac,
And destroyed all this beautiful artwork,
If I could get my hands on that sick human being,
I would wring his neck until he ceased to breathe,
I have an idea,
It's obviously the work of hollub,
Okay, now, we shouldn't blame anybody without proof,
The hollub antelopes, there's your proof,
But, hey, those ungulates want a war, we'll give 'em one,
Yes, yeah,
- Oh, - Oh, sorry,
This deserves an appropriate response, Ms, S,
No, there will be no responses,
All right,
No responses,
Renise,
Mm-mm, no, this is a minor setback,
It's fine,
I'll come in tomorrow and re-paint them,
Me and my dad can help you,
What?
I mean, you always say we should help others,
Right,
And, that's why we're gonna come in tomorrow to help you,
- Thank you, - Like we said,
Absolutely,
Okay, thanks,
Great,
Oh, shoot,
We got scuba diving practice tomorrow,
We can't, we can't make, we can't come help you,
It's been canceled,
- Was it? - Yeah,
We'll come help you,
- Hey! - Hey,
- Where's Damien? - I dunno,
Evidently his scuba class was not canceled this morning,
Oh, okay,
- You brought coffee, - Yes,
That'll be $2,
Ha-ha!
Hey, Ms, Scarpinito!
- Hey, - What's up Mr, Cross?
What's up?
I had nothing to do today, so I was like,
"why not come and help?"
Where's Damien?
Oh, he couldn't make it, man,
Oh, well good thing I'm here, then,
Let's get this party started!
Oh, what the heck?
Hey, what's up?
What's your pez-eating, pony tailed boyfriend
doing at school?
Um, what?
Lou!
He's interrupting what's supposed to be alone time
with my dad and Ms, Scarpinito,
Okay, how do you know this?
Who cares?
What, what is he doing there?
I don't know?
Maybe he went to help?
Oh yeah, 'cause he's such a nice guy, right?
Okay, is there a reason you called?
I need you to get rid of him,
How?
I don't know, call him,
Tell him you found a fou leaf clover or something,
Okay, well, I can't call him
because he doesn't have a phone,
Of course he doesn't,
I need you to go over there and get rid of him,
Well I, I can't,
I'm busy,
- Doing what? - Doing, I don't know,
I don't want to help you with this anymore,
Oh, you're telling me this now, really?
Mm-hm,
Well, I've been thinking about it for a while
and I wasn't sure of it until this very moment,
Oh my god,
Just, go over there,
Please!
Unless, you don't like being around him,
Oh, yeah?
What's that supposed to mean?
I don't know,
I figured since, you know, he's your boyfriend,
that you enjoyed hanging out with him,
Maybe I'm, maybe I'm wrong,
Personally, I could understand why you wouldn't want to,
If that's the case, I totally understand,
You don't have to,
Okay, fine!
I'll go,
But this is the last time I'm helping you,
Fine!
What's got you all riled up?
Oh, uh, telemarketers,
Oh, give 'em hell,
Goddammit!
What's wrong?
Some little bastard slashed my tires,
Oh, they, they got mine too,
What?
Just ours?
Are you kidding?
That's weird,
What, what do you mean?
Why would that be weird?
It's a little weird,
- It's not weird, - What happened?
Someone slashed our tires,
Just yours?
That's weird,
Thank you,
Okay, kids like to prank people,
It happens,
Listen, there's a bike shop across the street,
Why don't you guys go to happy hour, I'll, I'll hang here
and get the bikes fixed?
That'd be a great idea except everybody's
got plans this week,
Matter of fact, I'm heading out to go ride
with my sister's kids,
But, uh, I will see you guys next week,
Oh!
Uh, what is that?
Are you a conservative?
Uh, well, in the Buckley mold,
Not whatever they're doing now,
"Stop calling me a crypto-zazi
or I'll sock you in your face,"
An ally!
Mm-hm,
Although, I, at one point, I was a bleeding heart,
Hey, I canvased for Gore in my 20s,
I met my husband at a nader rally,
Oh, god, I was a completely different person back then,
And a few years ago, I read "capitalism and freedom"
on a whim and there was no turning back,
My entryway was John Stewart mill,
"On Liberty",
Not familiar,
Hey, schlegel's, go over there, tell them I sent you,
They're great,
And you, to be continued,
Yeah,
Oh!
You need help?
Did you get this part over here?
All right, here we go,
Oh, um, the, the brush broke,
Oh, why don't you grab a new one from the store?
I'll give you money,
That's a great idea!
Erin!
Hey, c'mon, let's go,
- Where are we going? - Uh, I don't know?
We'll find out,
Okay,
C'mon!
Okay, so, I'm heading to my place, right?
It's like, four A,M,
Hammered, right?
And outta nowhere this Jeep rolls up and this guy pops out
and points an ak47 right at my face!
- Oh my god! - Right?
I'm freakin' out,
I'm thinkin' I'm being robbed,
I just immediately grab my wallet and, like,
throw it in the Jeep,
Hit the guy in the head,
But, as it turns out,
one of their buddies had gotten robbed earlier
that night, and they were riding around looking
for the culprit,
Ended up giving me a ride back to the resort,
Coolest dudes in the world,
That's crazy,
Totally crazy,
Oh, I'm sorry,
It's fine,
So that's why you always smell like cucumbers,
You know?
I don't like the taste of them?
Hm,
But, I find the aroma intoxicating,
I don't know,
Your turn,
I'm not supposed to be smoking,
Oh, no,
What's your crazy traveling, uh, abroad story?
I have never been out of the country,
Really?
Mm,
I almost moved to Amsterdam for a year,
You would've had some stories with that one,
What happened?
Well this was back in college,
There was this undergrad exchange program
with the university of utrecht for veterinary medicine,
That's what I wanted to do,
That's one of the best programs in the world
and somehow, I got accepted,
Humble brag,
Nice,
Mm,
And then a few months before I was supposed to leave,
I ended up getting married,
And then I ended up dropping out of school,
Hm,
Oh man,
I know,
I've always planned on going back, but,
just hasn't exactly happened,
I don't know,
That was the choice I made at the time,
Fuck it,
Oh, yeah,
See, cucumbers,
Who knew?
Not bad, I might keep it,
I don't think many people aspire
to teach middle school theater,
Why not?
I dunno, I enjoy it,
But, you know, I was a drama major in college,
and then after I moved out to la,
to make it big,
and, gave it a couple years, and now I'm back,
A couple years?
Mm-hm,
- You gave it a couple years? - Mm-hm,
Wow, you really hung in there,
Okay,
Well, I'm almost 30,
And so, apparently in Hollywood that means
that you're ancient,
And we age, like, in dog years?
Mm-hm,
And not like cute little pomeranians, you know?
Like, great Danes,
It's brutal,
- Yeah, - Yeah,
Well, you have a very nice coat,
Thanks,
What about Meryl Streep?
I think she might be over 30,
Yeah,
Yep,
True,
Meryl Streep is over 30, you got me on that,
Oh, um, Maggie Smith,
Mm-hm,
Yep, yep,
Um, sissy spacek,
Whoa, sissy spacek,
What?
What's wrong with sissy spacek?
Nothing,
The opposite of everything,
No, she is, she is amazing,
"Badlands" is hands-down my favorite movie ever,
So, what about you?
Did you train as a musician?
Uh, yeah I guess,
Sure, years ago,
I was in some bands in my 20s,
I think the music would most likely be categorized as,
have you heard the "bad" genre?
Oh my god, no,
Don't say that,
It was, no, I doubt it,
Probably, probably not,
It's okay,
It's fine,
It was fun,
I had one of those minidv cams,
and I would take it everywhere with me,
because I was a total jerk, and I would make, like,
these impromptu music videos?
And they were so bad,
Radiohead we were not,
So, I guess, I dunno, I eventually I just got
into writing music, but, it didn't really go anywhere,
If I'm gonna be entirely honest with you,
I haven't, I haven't really finished anything
in a long time either,
Well, you should, you know, get up there,
Play me one of your songs,
No,
Come on,
It's so easy,
You just gotta sit up there and,
you know?
Is that what you think?
It's just easy?
Probably,
I've never played,
Okay,
Well, keep at it,
What?
Nothing,
- Nothing, - What, what?
- It's stupid- - what?
Ah, it's just been a while since,
like, I got any kind of encouragement,
My wife thinks I should just give up
on this music stuff, you know, as she calls it,
And, uh, I dunno,
Part of me thinks she's right, you know?
It's like, maybe it's time to face up to the reality?
No, god, no,
Don't, don't,
Don't do that,
You are really talented,
You just tuned that piano by ear,
- And- - oh,
No, you did!
Yeah, maybe I could try out for "america's got talent"?
Tuning pianos,
And, you know what?
People are living longer than ever these days,
So, you've still got some time,
You don't give up either,
You're still a puppy,
Okay,
Are you hungry?
I could expense something,
We could get some food in us, something like that?
Oh, shoot,
Actually, I'm supposed to pick up dinner,
Oh, yeah, sorry, you've done more than enough,
I can, uh, finish this on my own,
- No, no, no! - No, it's fine,
No no no,
Let me just, um, I just gotta check something,
- Okay, - I'll make a quick call,
Okay,
I'll be right back,
Hey, dad,
How's it going?
Good, good,
We, uh, got a lot done, actually,
Probably would have finished a lot more if you didn't bail
on us and leave us short handed,
Oh, ha, sorry about that,
I'm just kidding,
It's fine,
Um, I was actually thinking about
staying a little bit longer, to kinda help her finish up,
uh, unless you guys need me to pick up dinner?
No!
No, uh, no I think you should stay there,
'cause I left you shorthanded,
Okay, all right,
Do me a favor just tell your mom,
Yeah, sure thing,
- Hey, mom, - Hey, hun,
Uh, are the bikes ready yet?
The bikes?
They, uh, the bikes, uh,
no, no, no it seems
like a lot of the bikes in the area got hit,
Okay,
Well, I'm starting to get hungry,
so would you mind if I ate here?
Uh, yeah,
No, that, that'd be great,
I just ate and I'm going to head to the arcade,
Okay,
Oh,
Hang on,
Was your dad supposed to pick up dinner for us?
No, actually-
- listen, will you just let him know that he doesn't need
to worry about us too?
Sure!
And, perfect,
Yeah, press that,
- Right, keep pressing that, - Okay,
That's amazing,
Mm,
Any day now,
All right, you know what?
Just settle down,
The key to winning is Patience,
So, all right,
I just like to win immediately,
- Oh! - And that's not gonna happen,
All right, watch this,
It's gonna be quick like a bunny,
Okay, go ahead,
- Watch, watch, watch, - Oh!
Oh, I got it,
Oooh!
- It's gonna fall, - Hey, hey, hey!
I am victorious,
Cheater!
I am the winner, yes,
Another drink on him,
Yeah, winner sets up,
When we got home that night,
something very strange happened,
Hey!
You guys took your time,
Well, apparently, a lot of the bikes in the area were hit?
Jeez,
First it's the scenic backgrounds, then it's the bikes,
I mean, like, trouble seems to follow you wherever you go,
- Hi, - Hi, hi,
What is that?
Cucumbers?
I had a Greek salad,
Cool,
So, it looks like you're, you had a good day?
What do you mean?
Well, keyboard's out, looks like you're going
to write again, it's kind of exciting,
Are you inspired?
You know, I've been spending so much time with this play,
I haven't had any time to work on my own stuff,
Thank you,
So, what's she like?
Vivien, right?
Robin?
She's all right I guess,
Uh, like a regular, normal, average person,
Okay,
Well, think I'm gonna take a shower and head to bed,
It's been a long day,
Okay,
I'm gonna keep working for a little bit,
Goodnight,
Night,
It was the first time in months
mom and dad had gone a whole day without arguing
with each other,
You wanna jam with me?
Nah, I'm good,
Okay, goodnight,
And the ceasefire would continue
over the next couple of weeks,
Sorry, it's too loud?
No,
It sounds nice,
Oh,
Thanks,
- Mm-hm, - It looks good,
Hey, second place, Mr, Stock market wiz,
I guess all those times we saw "wolf of wall street"
paid off,
Guess so,
- So, what's up? - Nothing!
Hey, are you mad at me?
No,
'Cause I texted you four times yesterday,
Well, I've been a little busy, in case you've forgotten,
Okay,
Um, well did you hear about that guy that was going
to go base jumping off the empire state building,
but then he chickened out,
so then they all had to rescue him?
I didn't,
Anything else?
Okay, why are you acting like this?
- Like what? - Like this,
You're being weird,
Oh, I'm being weird,
That's funny,
I'm sorry, what makes it funny?
'Cause you're dating Lou!
That's why it's weird, you weirdo!
I'm that way,
I'm this way,
God, ever since we started going out,
you started acting like this,
Yeah, because it's crazy,
Why is it crazy?
Because it's Lou!
All right, any time anyone says something funny?
He just says, "that's lol, man,"
For the past three years he's gone as himself
for Halloween and said he's time magazine's 2006
person of the year,
And, he's a liar!
You know, you remember, last year?
He said he was dating Miranda cosgrove's sister,
and it was pointed out that she's an only child,
and he just completely denied it,
That's why it's crazy!
Okay, stop yelling at me!
I don't know why you have to be so angry!
I'm not, I'm not angry, okay?
I'm just worried,
You're worried about me?
Really,
It doesn't sound like you're worried about me,
it sounds like you're jealous or something,
Jealous of who?
I don't know, maybe, maybe you're jealous of Lou?
Of, of Lou?
Why would I be jealous of that guy?
Oh, 'cause he can flip his eyelids inside out?
Or his vast collection of cargo shorts?
I cannot think of a single reason
why I would be jealous of him,
Not a one,
Hm,
So, you're saying you never liked me?
What?
Damien, please just answer the question,
Did you like me, yes or no?
No, no,
We were always just friends, you know?
Yeah, well, I really liked you,
What now?
Oh, Erin quit the fucking play,
Yeah, two days before we're supposed to open,
What?
Life is hard,
He's taking it pretty hard?
Yeah, well, she also dumped him,
So, she's two for two this fine Wednesday!
This is so unprofessional of her,
This shit would not fly on Broadway,
Hollub would be better,
They would take care of this,
I can't, I can't,
Amateurs,
Surrounding me,
Big day today, buddy, huh?
You ready for it?
Yeah,
Whoo!
Sapa-inka, sapa-inka, sapa-inka, sapa-inka,
- Best night! - Best night!
- Sapa-inka! - Sapa-inka!
- I am ready! - I am ready!
- I am focused! - I am focused!
Hands in, on three, sapa-inka,
Sapa-inka!
♪ Take a seat, take a seat, take a seat ♪
♪ You're rockin' the boat ♪
♪ Take a seat, take a seat, take a seat ♪
♪ You're rockin' the boat ♪
♪ Take a seat, take a seat, take a seat ♪
♪ You're rockin' the boat ♪
♪ Take a seat, take a seat, take a seat ♪
Nothing wrong with wanting a little more?
That's the trouble with you birds,
You always want more,
My aunt once told me something that I will never forget,
The person you're married to today
is not the same person you're married to tomorrow,
Let the chips fall where they may,
- Hey, my boys! - Hey,
Come here,
Great job,
That was fantastic,
- That was fantastic! - Did you see him up there?
Well, no, that's the point,
Exactly,
He's like a freaking ninja,
I mean, it was like a Broadway show,
- It was, - I told you, really, it was,
Well, and, you looked like you were
really enjoying yourself up there,
You know something?
I kinda did,
Hey, Mr, Cross,
I was just wondering if you wanted
to come meet my acting coach?
- Uh, yeah, okay, - Go on, go on,
So where's this little party of yours?
Plenty mercantile,
Downtown,
Ooh, fancy,
Yeah,
Apparently, Jason's dad used to be, like,
some hot shot investor,
Really?
Well, you guys try and have fun,
You have fun at frank's,
I'm gonna go home,
- What? - Yeah, I'm tired,
it's been a long day-
- hey, did you meet Ms, Scarpinito?
Our drama teacher?
Not yet, no, why?
I, just, thought you might want to,
She's right next to dad,
Yeah, she, she's, just, really great and cool too,
That's your drama teacher?
Yeah, yeah,
I mean, everyone's crazy about her,
Um, well, I will meet her later,
Okay,
You've got a party to get to,
- I do, - Better grab those flowers,
Someone spent a long time picking them out,
And her name is mom,
Damien,
Hello,
I just wanted to let you know,
you did a not-awful job tonight,
Oh, thanks,
I didn't think much of you when we first started out,
In the beginning I, actually,
you'd make me so angry that I kept hoping
that you'd quit, or fall into the orchestra pit
and break your leg,
Why are you messing with me?
Hi,
Will you get a drink with me?
I saw a bar downstairs,
Please?
I have a surprise for you,
- Sure, - Yeah?
Yeah,
- Hey, come on in, - Hey!
Oh, great place!
Thank you,
Hey, everybody, Laurie's here!
Hi,
Hey!
Everybody's here,
Just, go dance,
Oh,
Okay, let's go,
No, I, I'm a terrible dancer,
Hey, why don't go you dance with Lou?
Yeah, but that would be, like, really awkward,
Oh, I know,
But, uh, he's a nice guy,
And he never has a mean thing to say about anybody, right?
It could be a useful experience to draw from,
If you'll excuse me?
Thank you,
Are you kidding me?
Now I feel like a fool, 'cause I didn't get you anything,
It's fine,
I just, wanted to thank you,
For everything you've done,
You don't have to thank me for that,
Yes, I do,
Are you gonna open it?
Or just look at it?
It's a pretty box,
Thanks,
Oh, awesome,
A pen,
- I- - good job,
It is a pen,
You know, for when you start writing songs again,
Oh my god,
You hate it,
I'm sorry, that was stupid,
No, no!
Don't feel bad for a second, I was, no, that's so nice,
are you kidding?
That's like the sweetest thing,
You blew my mind,
Thank you,
Nice,
Look at these guys,
What?
Who wouldn't want that?
That's 40 years and they're still, you know,
six months into my marriage,
my ex and I couldn't even eat in the same room together,
You were married?
A lifetime ago,
We were young, and didn't know or understand anything,
Like anybody at that age, you know what I mean?
Yeah,
Ah, maybe I'm making excuses,
You know, it's 20 years later, and honestly,
I still have no idea what I'm doin',
Hey, what are you doin'?
What?
Oh, you're gonna have to wait, bud,
You want me to take her?
Nah, she'll be fine,
I don't mind,
All right,
Be careful,
She's a runner,
Come here,
Hi,
Actually, um-
- have you, have you started writing songs again?
Ah, maybe a little bit,
That's great!
I dunno,
I just finished up something,
and I have no idea what to make of it,
It's probably terrible,
Mm, probably not,
And I want to hear it,
No,
You owe me for the pen, so,
- What? - Mm-hm,
Yeah, you do,
How does that work?
It, it just, that's life, okay?
Come on, you can't tease me like that,
Excuse me,
Hi, would it be okay if my-
- no no no no-
- would it be okay if my very talented friend here
played a song on your piano?
Sure,
No,
That was a firm yes,
I can't believe you,
Okay, here we go,
Whew!
Hey, there they are,
Yeah, she kinda got away from me,
You were warned,
Where is everyone?
Well, they got tired,
They're not like the cool kids,
Ah,
Yeah, well, that tends to happen when I leave a party,
Clears out,
I should, uh, I should probably get going too,
Why don't you stay?
Have a drink?
Oh, okay,
- I'm just, I'll be right back, - Okay,
All right,
This is rough,
Just play it,
♪ Reminding myself to breathe, wind's blowing ♪
♪ So I look away ♪
♪ Keep thinkin' 'bout the whole week ♪
♪ Guess I should probably take it day to day ♪
♪ Let my mind run free ♪
♪ Keep looking for an opportunity ♪
♪ It's time to finally be me ♪
♪ And I can't let this go to waste ♪
♪ I've been livin' in a cycle that I can't escape ♪
♪ I've been trapped inside my mind ♪
♪ It's like a different place ♪
♪ Holding onto all the words I'm saying ♪
♪ Here for now, but I can see the better days ♪
♪ Keep on stressin' 'bout the future everywhere I go ♪
♪ Gotta let go of the worries that I can't control ♪
♪ Need to find out where the light's gone lately ♪
♪ We're all looking for the sunshine baby ♪
♪ Sittin' back I just think ♪
♪ Right here is where I need to be ♪
♪ Sometimes it's like I can't see ♪
♪ All the good things right in front of me ♪
♪ Life ain't always a breeze ♪
♪ From a dark night comes another day ♪
♪ Try and just let it be ♪
♪ 'Cause everybody finds a way ♪
♪ I've been livin' in a cycle that I can't escape ♪
♪ I've been trapped inside my mind ♪
♪ It's like a different place ♪
♪ Holding onto all the words I'm saying ♪
♪ Here for now, but I can see the better days ♪
♪ Keep on stressin' 'bout the future everywhere I go ♪
♪ Gotta let go of the worries that I can't control ♪
♪ Need to find out where the light's gone lately ♪
♪ We're all looking for the sunshine baby ♪
Thank you,
Cheers,
You okay?
I can't,
Laurie?
Yeah, I'm still working on it,
That was beautiful,
I'm so sorry,
Okay,
You let Damien come home by himself?
No, he disappeared,
He's a big boy,
What's that?
Oh, that?
Robin gave me this as a gift to say thank you,
She's very pretty,
- What? - Robin,
Hardly what I would call regular, average, normal,
She's very attractive,
Gorgeous, even,
Your point being?
You never noticed that before?
I suppose I did,
You never mentioned it?
Well I also noticed how much frank's breath
smelled like cucumbers this morning,
which I guess comes from that vape
I saw him puffing on, but, hey,
I didn't mention that either,
Okay, Phil,
I'm going to bed,
Everything went back to normal
shortly after that,
Oh, but there's no almond butter,
You just go to the store and get it,
No, no, I ordered almond butter,
In may, mom and dad celebrated
their 16th anniversary,
Hi,
What's goin' on?
Why don't you come sit down with us?
Is everything okay?
Is it something with grandpa?
No!
No no no, sweetie,
Grandpa's fine,
Uh, so, you probably noticed that your father
and I haven't been getting along so well for some time now?
Well yeah, you guys like to argue,
I'm used to it,
You should ask my teachers, I'm the same way,
It's part of our DNA,
It's, uh, it's a little more complicated than that,
What, what do you mean?
So we've been talking, and, we think it's best
if we took some time apart,
What?
Yeah, I found a place in woodside, and, uh,
there's a room for you of course,
It's got a pool,
And I'm gonna be movin' there,
It's gonna be okay,
We did not come to this decision lightly,
We've been talking about it for a while,
Wait, are you guys getting a divorce?
- Well, we're not- - yes,
Yeah,
Haven't been happy for a long time,
This won't be easy for anyone, we think in general,
in the long run, believe me this is not what we wanted,
I promise you,
Why'd you guys even get married in the first place?
Well, Damien-
- because, because we loved each other, sweetie,
Bullshit,
Damien!
May third, 2004,
That is when you got married,
Not 2003,
I found your marriage license,
What?
You were pregnant, that's why you got married!
Oh, honey no,
You guys lied to me,
- Honey, just, Damien- - I, I hate you!
Damien!
Could you please come back here?
- Honey, come here, - No, I don't care!
I don't care!
We can explain, we can explain!
They're getting divorced,
Oh,
I, um, I'll be right back, 'Kay?
Adnan's missed you,
Why am I surprised?
It's like, I knew this was gonna happen,
No, you didn't know,
Yeah, I did,
I was like, I wanted this,
No, you didn't,
Why'd I say it then?
Sometimes we say things we don't really mean
to make us feel better,
You're my best friend, you know that?
Yeah, you're my best friend too,
I'm really sorry,
Yeah?
For what?
Everything!
For being a jerk and for lying to you?
I knew what you were talking about,
I just, I was scared and then you were with Lou,
and I was, I was jealous,
And I was angry, I'm really sorry,
You're the last person I want to make angry,
Adnan's watching,
God, damn you,
Yeah?
Hey,
I don't hate you guys,
We know,
Can we come in?
Look, honey, we're sorry,
We were gonna tell you eventually,
But it's no excuse for us lying to you,
Open it,
You see that?
That little circular blobby thingy?
That's you,
Look at the date,
May second, 2004,
What happened the next day?
You got hitched,
Mm-hm,
Yes, we got married,
So, what?
Damien, it takes me an hour to order an appetizer, okay?
How long do you think it took me to pick out a ring?
I dunno,
Like, two months,
He already had the ring, honey,
Your mom was going abroad,
and we had this whole going-away party planned,
and I was going to ask her that night,
And I definitely would have said yes,
Listen to me,
This, this changed nothing,
We were going to get married regardless,
You have to understand,
We were crazy about each other then,
I promise you,
Like, before your dad, I had dated a lot of jerks,
Lunatics, really,
And then we met, and we just clicked,
I mean, we were so good together,
We were so happy,
And, honestly, I thought it was so perfect back then,
And, of course, I was very wrong about that,
Because, because that's when you came,
And that was when I was like, okay, this,
this is what perfect is,
And you were such a good baby,
Oh my god,
The best,
Like, all the other parents were jealous,
After six weeks you were already sleeping through the night,
Which is not normal,
No,
To the point that it freaked us out, and we would,
like, get up in the middle of the night
to check on you to make sure you were still alive,
And then we would just sit in your room,
and stare at you until the sun came up,
And things were great,
For a long time,
People change,
And, I don't-
- you, you know,
just 'cause you feel a certain way
about somebody, doesn't mean you're always gonna
feel that way,
You just have to remember to-
- enjoy it,
- Yeah, - While it lasts,
But we don't want you thinking that we were never happy,
or that, you know, we never loved each other?
Because I swear to you, that couldn't be further
from the truth,
But just in case there's any doubts,
Phil, you ready for the big reveal?
Yeah,
What do you think?
What, what?
Don't laugh,
You look great,
Honey, we just have to do your hair,
No, what do you mean?
Listen, I like to go all out!
Is it good?
- It's incredible! - I forgot the tutu,
Road trip!
- Look! - What are you doing?
Is it dada?
Ah, who's that handsome boy?
Who's that handsome boy?
He's perfect,
Hi, perfect, hello,
He said, don't kiss me, daddy,
Papa, papa, give me a kiss,
You make him,
No, give it to me,
You know what?
I'm always on camera,
Why don't you get on camera?
I'm not shy,
Oh really?
That is not funny,
A few weeks later,
we came across frank,
He seemed in good spirits,
Not bad, right?
Ms, Scarpinito resigned and moved to Los Angeles
to give acting another shot,
She was replaced by Mrs, Swobel,
Much to the dismay of the student body,
I alternate back and forth between my parents,
which is an adjustment, but I try to make the best of it,
Okay,
All right,
- I love you, buddy, - I love you too,
Be safe,
Will do,
'Kay, you ready to help me out?
- Gimme a hand here, - Let's do it,
Thankfully, some things haven't changed,
Erin and I are still best friends,
Look, I'm under no delusions here,
I know the odds of us staying together forever aren't great,
I mean, let's face it, relationships are not easy,
There's just about a million different things
that can go wrong,
So I'm not gonna worry about that,
Instead, I'm just gonna try and enjoy it while it lasts,