Monica, which of all of this kitchen stuff is mine?
This bottle opener,
-And… -And it's a magnet,
Look at that,
How weird is that? You know, you're moving in with me,
and you have the one thing I don't have, Ha, ha,
It's like, in a way, you complete me, Huh?
-Kitchen, -What?
You complete me kitchen, matey,
-Ross, I know what you're thinking, -What?
That she's gonna move in with you,
and then maybe fall in love with you, and then
when she finds out you're already married, oh, she'll be happy,
You know? You're just… You're very sad,
Oh, my God,
I see what this is, You are in love with Rachel,
-What? -Of course, It all adds up,
I mean, you're obsessed with her, It's always:
"Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?
Ross, why are you moving in with Rachel?
When are you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?"
-You want her, -No!
[PHONE RINGS]
Uh-oh, Saved by the bell,
Hello,
Hey, Rach, Aren't these candlesticks mine?
No, no, I bought those,
-Oh, right, I forgot, -Yeah,
[WHISPERING] That you're a liar,
No, no, that's great, I'll be there Monday,
And thank you again,
Okay,
Um, that was the head of the paleontology department
at NYU,
Wow, What did he say?
Uh, remember that paper I had published last year on sediment flow rate?
-Well, they loved it, -Well, who wouldn't?
I know!
Anyway, they asked me to be a guest lecturer,
I mean, it's temporary, but if they like me, it could lead to a full-time job,
How great would that look on the mailbox, huh? Professor Geller,
Yeah, Professor and Mrs,
And Mrs,?
Oh, yeah, you know, you and Ross are still married,
What?
Just kidding,
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, God,
Saved your ass,
-Hey, -Hi,
-Hey, -What's the matter?
Well, [CLEARS THROAT]
-You know that psychic I see? -Yeah?
She told me that I'm gonna die this week,
so I'm kind of bummed about that,
-What? -I know you don't know about readings,
but that one is pretty much the worst one you can get,
Phoebe, that's crazy,
I can't believe she'd say that to you?
Yeah, honey, you don't believe her, do you?
I don't know,
She, you know, said that I'd have triplets,
but she also said one of them would be black,
CHANDLER: Oh,
Just out of curiosity, did she tell you how you were gonna go?
No, because she didn't tell me I was gonna die till the end of the session,
And I was not gonna waste a whole other hour there,
I mean, I've only got a week left, you know?
I've really gotta start living now,
-Hey, everyone, -Oh, hi,
-Hey, -Hey, Well, today's my first lecture,
and I kind of wanted to try it out on you guys, Do you mind?
No, that'd be great,
Okay,
[SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT]
"There are three primary theories concerning sediment flow rate,
Each of these theories can be further subcategorized into two…"
Oh, this is it, This is what's gonna kill me,
"… Subcategories, The first of these subcategories is…"
JOEY: Um, Ross? [CHUCKLES]
Are there, uh, naked chicks on that piece of paper?
No, Why?
Well, I just never seen a guy stare so hard at paper
that didn't have naked chicks on it,
Oh, okay, Okay,
"There are three primary theories
concerning sediment flow rate,
Each of these theories
can be further subcategorized into…"
Why don't you open with a joke?
Open with a joke? It's a university, not a comedy club,
Wait a minute, hold the phone,
You're not talking about Chuckles University?
Okay,
GROUP: Come on, we're kidding,
You know what might make it less boring?
Thank you,
Some, um… Some visual aids,
Oh, oh! You know what's a good visual aid?
Please don't say naked chicks,
Why not?
I don't even know why I bothered to even talk to you guys about it,
You know, I'm just gonna do it on my own, with no naked chicks,
That's the way I did it till I was 19,
-Hey, -Hey,
Any good mail?
Yes, you got something from the Screen Actors Guild,
Ooh, it's probably a residual check, Hey, can you open it? I got…
-"Benefits lapsed," -Hmm, That's weird,
I don't remember being in a movie called Benefits Lapsed,
Okay, it's not a check,
They're saying your health insurance expired because
-you didn't work enough last year, -Let me see that,
All right,
Oh, I can't believe this,
This sucks,
When I had insurance, I could get hit by a bus,
or catch on fire, you know?
And it wouldn't matter, Now I gotta be careful?
I'm sorry, man, There's never a good time to have to
stop catching on fire,
All right, well
I guess I gotta go get a job, I'm gonna see my agent,
Okay, make sure to look both ways before you cross the street,
[MIMICKING] "Make sure to look both ways before you cross the street,"
-Hey, -Hey, Pheebs, you're still alive,
How are you feeling?
It's so exhausting, waiting for death,
Oh, by the way, do you think you… [CHOKES]
Pheebs, what are you doing?
I was preparing you for… Didn't you think I was dead?
Did that not come off?
Oh, yeah, scared the hell out of me, I thought we'd lost you forever,
-Pheebs, you wanna lie down? -Yeah, thanks,
And listen, can you do me a favor?
Could you just wake me up in a couple hours,
You know, if you can,
RACHEL: Monica?
Did you take these back?
No, no, I just liked them so much that I went out and bought some for myself,
Oh, yeah, they're really great, aren't they?
-I love them, -Yeah,
Nice try,
-Hello, -Hey, how'd the lecture go?
It went great,
And I didn't need any jokes or naked chicks either,
Oh, that's great, I'm sorry we weren't supportive before,
I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself,
Everyone's all, uh, "Ross, you have to be funny and sexy,"
Well, I proved them wrong,
And now I'm gonna pass the news on to Joey and Chandler,
-That you're not funny or sexy? -That's right,
-Hey, Estelle, listen… -Well, well, well,
Joey Tribbiani,
So you came back, huh?
They think they can do better, but they all
come crawling back to Estelle,
What are you talking about?
I never left you, You've always been my agent,
-Really? -Yeah,
Oh, well, no harm, no foul,
Look, Estelle, you gotta get me some work, I lost my health insurance,
All right, first thing we gotta do: damage control,
-Why? -Well, I think, uh
someone out there
may have been bad-mouthing you all over town,
The bastard,
-Hey, -Hey,
So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow,
And I'll have my health insurance back in no time,
That's great, but shouldn't you be on the toilet right now?
-What? -What's wrong with you?
Nothing,
Well, I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before,
And then I, uh, passed out,
and, uh, I haven't been able to stand up since, Ha, ha,
But I don't think it's anything serious,
This sounds like a hernia, You have to… Go to the doctor,
No way,
If I'm gonna go to the doctor for anything
it's gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach,
That's a hernia,
Why'd I have to start working out again?
Damn you, 15s,
We're a little early, The lecture doesn't end for 15 minutes,
-Yeah, but we can sneak in and watch, -Yeah, Good,
Oh, hey, look, There's some Kappa Kappa Deltas,
I was a Kappa, Hey, sisters,
Wow, we really are bitches,
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Right, So when Rigby got his samples
back from the laboratory
he made a startling discovery,
What he believed to be igneous was, in fact, sedimentary,
Imagine his consternation when…
Oh, bloody hell,
What the hell are you doing?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Look, I was nervous,
You guys had me all worried I was gonna be boring,
I got up there and they were all, like, staring at me,
I opened my mouth and this British accent just came out,
Yeah, and not a very good one,
Will you, please…
Dr, Geller? Kurt Rathman,
I'm a professor in the paleontology department here,
Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture?
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] I'm sorry, I've got plans with my sister,
[IN IRISH ACCENT] Monica Geller,
Right, Will you excuse us for one moment?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] What are you doing?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] You can have an accent, but I can't?
[IN IRISH ACCENT] Top of the morning to you, laddies,
Would you just please stop?
[IN EAST INDIAN ACCENT] Yes,
Bombay is very, very nice this time of year,
[JOEY GRUNTING]
Hey, will you grab me a cruller?
Sit down,
-Will you go to the hospital? -Dude, hernia operations cost, like
a lot probably, okay?
Besides, it's getting darker and more painful,
That means it's healing,
Look, I will loan you the money,
Just go to the hospital and let's just get that thing
pushed back in,
Thank you, but it'd take me forever to pay you that money back,
And I don't want that hanging over my head, okay?
Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in
I can get all the free operations I want,
I think I'll probably start with that laser eye surgery,
-Hey, -Hey,
JOEY: Hey, -What's going on?
Well, Joey's got a bad hernia,
but it's nothing a little laser eye surgery won't fix,
Look, I'm telling you, if I put my hand on my stomach right here
it doesn't hurt that bad, Ah,
Hey, maybe you'll die,
Chandler, I'm scared,
PHOEBE: No, we can go together,
Just don't wait too long, though
because I'm out of here sometime before Friday,
But I don't want to die,
No, no, It'll be fun,
We can come back and we can haunt these guys,
-Give me them, -No, they are mine,
-You stole them from me, -You stole them from me,
Give me them,
You just wanna each take one?
Yeah, that seems fair, We never use them,
Look, I really need some help, okay?
Why? Why did I have to speak in a British accent?
What do I do?
Well, why don't you phase it out? Yeah, phase the accent out,
People will think that you're adjusting to life in America,
Yeah, I mean, come on, No one will even notice,
I mean, they're probably not even listening to you,
They're not listening to me?
Of course they're listening to you,
Everybody listens to you,
Monica, do you really think I should try this phasing-out thing?
I think you look fine,
DIRECTOR: Whenever you're ready, -Okay,
Hey, Timmy,
I've got a surprise… …for you,
DIRECTOR: Hold it, I'm sorry,
The surprise is a new swing set, If you could play it less intense,
Oh, yeah, Sure, no problem, Just hold on one second,
[GROANS]
Hey, Timmy,
I've got a surprise for you,
Oh, my God!
So that's why I feed my dog Purina One,
Pick up a bag today,
-That's where you pick up the bag, -Exactly,
No, the line is, "Pick up a bag," so you need to pick up the bag,
Or I could just point to it, Huh?
Blah, blah, blah, Purina One, Point to a bag today,
-I didn't get it, did I? -No,
Yeah, okay,
Hi,
I'm Joey Tribbiani,
I'm here to audition for "Man,"
You mean "Dying Man,"
Yes,
-Okay, come on, Do it one more time, -Really? Really? Okay,
[IRISH ACCENT] Ross, this is Dr, McNeely
from Fake Accent University,
We'd like you to come onboard with us full-time,
[BOTH LAUGHING]
-Hey, -Hey,
PHOEBE: Listen to this,
My reading was wrong, I'm not going to die,
-Really? How do you know? -Because my psychic is dead,
-She must have read the cards wrong, -Oh, I'm sorry,
Ah, better her than me,
Hey, let's bake cookies!
Listen, I'm really glad you got the part,
[GRUNTS]
-Are you sure you can do this? -Yeah,
And, hey, thanks for coming with me,
And thanks again for helping me take a shower,
Now, is that "never talking about it again"?
Hey, Joey, We're ready for you,
Joey, this is Alex, He's gonna be playing your son,
Hi, Alex,
And, uh, as you can see, my hands are not in my pants,
Okay,
All right, uh, Alex, Now, when Joey says his line:
"Take good care of your mama, son," that's your cue to cry, Got it?
All right, let's do this,
Scene five, take one,
DIRECTOR: And action,
Take good care of your mama, son,
Come on, son,
Your mama's good people,
Cut,
Alex, remember, you're supposed to cry,
-Can you cry for us this time? -Okay,
All right, From the top,
Scene five, take two,
Take 36 is up,
DIRECTOR: Let's try this again,
You ready, Joe?
Uh, one thing, is it all right with you if I scream
right up until you say, "Action"?
-Sure, -Okay,
[SCREAMING]
-Action! -Take good care of your mama, son,
-Cut, -Aah!
I'm sorry, Hey, hey, Joe, why don't you lift up your shirt?
Take a look at this, kiddo,
[CRYING]
We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras!
[PHONE RINGING]
-Hello, -Hello, is Ross there?
No, he's not, Can I take a message?
Yes, this is Russell, Ross' divorce lawyer,
Just tell him that since I haven't heard from him
I assume he's decided to give the marriage a try,
Ross got married again? Aah! No,
ROSS: All right, keep going, We are phasing the accent out,
Phasing it out,
"So without retesting their results in the laboratory
the team would never have identified…
The initial errors in their carbon dating analysis,"
Were there any questions at this point?
-Yes, -What's happening to your accent?
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Come again? What's this nonsense?
[CHUCKLES]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] All right, I'm not English,
I'm from Long Island,
I was really nervous, and the accent
just, um… Just came out,
Ha, ha, I'm sorry,
So if we could just get back to the lecture,
Um, were there any questions?
About paleontology?
All right, look, I was just trying to make a good first impression,
Obviously, I screwed up,
But what you guys think of me is really important
because I'm hoping to get a permanent job here,
So if you'd just give me another chance to make a good impression…
[DOOR OPENS]
Ross, Are you crazy?
I am still your wife? What, were you just never gonna tell me?
What the hell is wrong with you?
Ugh, I could just kill you!
[BRITISH ACCENT] Well, hello, Rachel,
-You've really done this before? -Yeah, Yeah, yeah,
You just take a big, big swing, okay?
Now, don't hold back,
-Hey, -Hey,
What are you doing?
We're just celebrating that Joey got his health insurance back,
Oh, all right,