Court mandated four sessions,
If he fails to meet any of the requirements
of his probation, it would be revoked,
See, I don't know what you're looking for,
I'm not a mind reader,
I'm not looking for any one answer,
So, if you want to get into my,,, My grief, my pain,
it's just not there,
It's a process, not a puzzle, I'm not trying to pick a lock,
Why does it bother you to open up to me?
'Cause I've been fucking pummeled
every time I've opened my mouth for the past four years,
♪ You may have the dollar on your side,,, ♪
♪ Oppression ♪
♪ You shall learn to fear me ♪
♪ Yes, you will, oppression ♪
♪ You shall fear me ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Yes!
- How's the week been? - Uh, good!
Yeah, I've been swimming a lot, which is nice,
Trying to get back in shape,
And I'm-I'm sorry about last week, too, yeah,
- It's fine, - Such a,,, I-I don't know, I,,,
I'm ready to move forward,
So, swimming?
- Anything else? - Um,,,
You know, taking stock,
Just finally getting a chance to step back,
take a deep breath, "Wow, okay,
Here I am, This is my life,"
How did I get here? And what can I do
differently going forward?
And where did those questions take you?
Well, basically, I made a mistake,
I feel like my job now is to make it right however I can,
That means living my life in an honest way,
You know, maybe staying away from elements
that made me drift, you know, um,,,
off track,
But also,
how can I put some good into the world?
How can I leave it better than I found it? I mean, look at you,
You know, you help people,
You get people healthy up here,
Up here,
What's my "that"?
You know, what's my way of chipping away at the pain
and the things that aren't right? And, you know,
I've been thinking a lot about single-use plastics,
Hm,
It's crazy, I know, but they're, they're terrible,
So maybe that's an area where I could lend a hand,
Now, you said something really interesting a second ago,
"How did I get here?
And what can I do differently going forward?"
And that's exactly what I'm here to help you explore,
and I think those two ideas are intertwined,
Oh, completely, yeah,
So, starting with how you got here,
what did you come away with?
What I came away with was,,,
that was a different guy,
I no longer relate to that person,
You know, this experience,
you know, going away for a while?
It's changed me for the better,
You think the time in prison was good for you?
Because I know you had some trouble,
Growing pains, An adjustment,
I see what I did was wrong, and, uh,,,
I'm never going to do it again,
It's time to let go of the past and look to the future,
Well that's a big shift from last week,
You know, letting go of the past, which I whole-heartedly
endorse, is different from
- ignoring it and,,, - Oh no, I,,,
I own it, I did those things,
I just don't need to dwell on them,
You know, I'm grateful to you,
For helping me see that,
And I am so grateful
we have these sessions together to,
you know, take that even further,
Okay,
So, what,,, Ooh! Shit!
- Ah,,, - You okay?
Uh, sorry, It's a,,,
It's a back thing, Uh,,,
I took an online exercise class,
and,,,
tweaked something, It's fine,
Uh, so tell me about the time inside,
How do you think it transformed you?
Uh, well, it's just
an unpleasant,,, You know,
it's a place you don't wanna return to,
You sure you're alright?
Would it bother you terribly if we switched seats?
I-I just think maybe the couch would be better,
- Oh, no! Uh, yeah, Sure, - Thanks,
- It'll pass, It's just,,, - Right,
Just seizes up, and it'll subside,
- Sounds like a pinched nerve, - Oh!
- Hm, - I got really into bodywork
for a while,
You wanna see if I can loosen you up?
No,
- Okay, - It's fine,
Just keep talking,
or don't talk,
Just need a second to breathe,
Uh, is this chair higher up?
- I don't think so, - I feel so powerful,
"I'm the captain now,"
You see that movie? Tom Hanks, Somali pirates,
"I'm the captain now!"
- Is that better for you? - Oh, sorry! Yeah, Mm-hmm,
So, where were we?
Mm, exercise,
You're pushing yourself, but what were you pushing towards?
Or more importantly,
what were you pushing away from?
Don't get it twisted,
That's still my chair, even if I'm sitting over here,
You know, tell me, Brooke,
have you had any interesting dreams lately?
Okay, Um,,,
Well, the other night,
I dreamt that I was
remodeling my house myself,
But when I tore down the walls,
I realized I didn't know how to do the things that I had to do,
And then I woke up and I was relieved
because I didn't have to do any of that,
Mm,
Uncle Touchy stayed over sometimes, didn't he?
Now, it's your turn,
Okay, sure,
Uh, I do have this thing where it's,,,
guess you'd call it a nightmare, the content of which
- is utterly meaningless, - I'll be the judge of that,
No, it's abstract, Just,,,
random nonsense, but every time, I wake up like, bam!
My heart's pounding,
fucking full sweat,
like a gun had just went off next to my head,
How often is that?
I don't know, two times a week,
Sounds like PTSD patients I've treated,
- No shit, - Hm,
And you said
- the content is,,, - It's nothing! It's just an image!
One time, it was The Beatles' "White Album," just the cover,
spinning in a gray void, I woke up screaming,
Once,,, Oh, this was recently, actually,
It was two identical Art Garfunkels
giving each other head,
I have to be honest, I have no idea what to do with that,
And this wasn't current-day Garfunkel,
It was, you know, mid-'60s, peak afro,
Oh God, I don't know if that's,,,
Is that offensive? Afro?
- Not to me, - Alright, I can't keep up!
Anyway, I met him once,
- Garfunkel? - Yeah, When I was a kid, like 10,
- My parents knew him? - W,,,
Why don't we get back to the waking up terrified?
Yeah, it's wild,
I can't really think of many times
in my waking, real-world life,,,
where I've been that afraid,
Trauma can be acute,
Sudden, A car crash,
Sometimes, it can be drawn out, like,,,
I don't know,
prison, for instance,
Yeah,
It-it wasn't really for me, It wasn't like,,,
I mean, I wasn't raped, just to get that out there,
Well, I'm glad to hear that,
But, having the experience of
your whole world disappearing,
of incarceration, that can be traumatic in and of itself,
Yeah, I found it more,,,
boring, Which is good, right?
I mean, you never wanna say,
"Man, I had such an exciting day in prison,"
Tell me about the monotony then,
You don't want to hear about the monotony,
I know it's only our second session, but,,,
I feel like I can say with some confidence
that you have a pretty lousy gauge
of what I will and will not
find interesting,
Fair enough,
I spent most of the time in my cell,
Kept to myself, It was fuckin' dull,
You know, keep your head down, stay out of trouble,
- get into a rhythm,,, - You didn't though,
But you didn't keep your head down, stay out of trouble,
Well, you know, I sort of fell apart,
- but we talked about that, - Not really,
- Uh, I just freaked out, - Out of nowhere?
Basically,
Work with me, Colin,
Well, when I got in, my lawyers and everyone,,,
you know, it was like play it out, fly under the radar,
you'll get out early, and so on,
And I was perfect for six months,
I mean, gold stars all around,
- And then? - So,
they have this computer lab sort of thing
with the world's shittiest desktops,
You can surf the internet,
Email family, No pornography, sadly,
But this is a privilege for the, ahem, well-behaved,
So, for whatever reason,
I decide to go on and see what, if anything,
people are saying about me,
And the first thing that pops up is this tweet,
This screed from this disgruntled tech writer,
This god-awful woman I'd met a handful of times,
and she had written this thing about me,,,
that was not kind,
And I flipped out,
It's like my blood was on fire,
What did it say?
Oh, I don't know, It-it just bugged me,
you know, 'cause it wasn't true,
and everyone was jumping on board,
"Fuck yeah, Fuck that guy,"
You know, I couldn't do anything,
It was like everything I had built for 20 years was suddenly,,, pfft!
Well, wasn't that true the day you were arrested?
- No, this was different, - What was different about it?
Well, I don't know, you know,
when Martha Stewart went to jail, no one was like,
"That bitch can't cook!"
You know? No one said
her fuckin' centerpieces were dog shit,
- So it was about your work? - Yes! Me, my work, yeah,
Taking my entire personhood and dragging it through
three feet of rancid medical waste
just for the sheer pleasure of it,
And that's when you started acting out?
- File said you assaulted a guard, - I spit in her face,
- That is an assault, - Sure, and I'm not,,,
I'm not defending it,
It's just assault sounds, to me, like punching
or groping and,,, There's a backstory,
It was this guard, She's Puerto Rican,
Came from nothing, and I was trying to help her out,
You know, give her some business advice,
Useful information on how to manage her money,
We were friendly!
You know, I thought I was helping,
She tells some higher-up
I was trying to bribe her, That she,,,
You know, I wanted something in return,
which is completely,,,
'Cause what could she do? She's nobody,
Best case is she does the opposite
of what she actually did do,
and tells her superiors I'm a model prisoner,
which I fuckin' was, by the way,
So my lawyers get word that this will
compromise my case for early release,
I spit in her face,,,
Which added time onto my sentence,
just a few weeks, but still,
Yeah, That is when my behavior
deteriorated a little bit,
What did that look like?
Like a 50-year-old man having
a thorough emotional disintegration,
And what did that look like?
You know, honestly, I,,,
I find this difficult to even,,, even think about,
Because?
Well, because it's fucking embarrassing,
Shame is powerful, It's a tough one,
But, rarely does it ever sound as bad
when said out loud as it does in your head,
so can you push through it?
I was a screaming mess,
I wouldn't put my clothes on, I wouldn't shower,
I shit all over myself, all over my cell,
I was like an animal,
And then, when I was at my lowest point,
pancaked 10 feet below rock bottom,
I got my ass kicked by another inmate,
Did the two of you have a history?
No, no, I never spoke to him before,
This guy?
He was always looking for a fight,
PJ,
Nickname short for Pineapple Juice, The, uh,,,
"legend" about him was that he'd gotten in initially for,,,
Stealing a can of pineapple juice
from a convenience store,
He only got a few days, but once he got inside,
he kept getting in fights and, you know, more time, more time,
more time,
And, you know, I'm stuck in there,
And all these people are saying shit about me on the outside,
and I can't do anything,
I feel completely fucking powerless,
And that's when I pass Mr, Pineapple Juice
on the second floor walkway, and, um,,,
He just sort of bumps me out of the way, and I just,,,
It was like somebody
reached into my brain
and plucked a string,
- I went nuts, - You provoked him?
I told him his mom
sucked dog dick, something like that,
A man with that kind of reputation?
These things happen fast, The words come out
before you know it,
I mean, I guess I must've known on some level
that he was going to do something,
But I didn't know he was gonna throw me over a railing,
That's horrific,
Yeah, you have no idea,
I had some cracked vertebrae,
The doctor said if I'd landed at just a slightly different angle,
it would've been lights out,
Call me crazy, but I think we stumbled on
the source of your bad dreams,
Uh, yeah,
Colin, that is,,,
I am so sorry you went through that,
Thank you, but it's fine, I was okay,
When you were talking about what lead up to the altercation,
you mentioned,,, feeling powerless?
- And that you couldn't do anything, - Oh, yeah,
That asshole lady in the tweet,
what people were saying about me,
Yeah, I had to get outta there, and anything I did to accelerate
that process only prolonged it,
Yeah, and then you provoked a fight with the guy,
Were you, maybe in some way, trying to take back control
of what people were saying about you?
Do you mean like, "Colin Craft,
victim of a brutal prison attack, poor guy"?
Mm, no, no, no, I'm not that clever,
I don't know, Colin, You seem pretty clever,
I'm not that clever,
And you don't remember what it was
that this woman wrote?
Oh, let me think, It was like,,,
Um, "Colin Craft is,,," And this woman,
she has considerable influence in the tech world,
She's a tastemaker of sorts,
even though she's a myopic nutcase,
Oh, and she's a star-fucker, too,
Yeah, every time the company du jour
has a software update,
she's falling over herself, praising their
"vision for the future," And I'm like, oh, fuck you, They,,,
You know, they made the send button bigger!
Whatever, And, you know,
when I was riding high, she was at
all my birthday parties, all my,,,
It doesn't matter,
She wrote this thing, Um, "Colin Craft is,,," No,
No, "Colin Craft
has never been convincing as a visionary,"
Something like that,
"A broken clock is right twice a day,
"Colin Craft was right once,
I'm not holding my breath for a second stroke of good luck,"
- Wow, - And it went on,
It went on, it kept going,
"He has the same nose for business
"that an average street vendor has
"for hocking knockoff handbags,
"No one should shed a tear for this con man,
"who is now doing a sabbatical in Club Fed
on the taxpayers' dime,"
Something like that,
She pulverized me,
Now, I don't say this
often in clinical settings, but,,,
Fuck!
Yeah! Right?
And that last line? I mean, I'm-I'm-I'm living in cinder block hole,
cut off from everybody I know, completely miserable,
She makes it sound like I'm in a fuckin' hammock!
Me and the, you know, American Psycho Wall Street crowd
trading stock tips, That fucking cu,,,
See, this is the type of situation where I would
- use a certain word, - Mm,
I appreciate the restraint,
And out of everything that she said, it was the Club Fed line
- that got you, huh? - Shit, everything got me!
You know, I did something wrong, this is my punishment,
I'm enduring it,
And people are out there saying it isn't that bad?
And then you picked a fight
with a man you described as a psycho,
And these things don't seem related to you?
Like I said, I'm not that clever,
- And even if I was, it didn't work, - What do you mean?
Because I read the shit they were saying
about me online after, and it was all like,
"Oh, he had it coming," And praising the guy
who did it, That sort of thing,
That must've been painful,
And after that?
After that, I went back to my trance,
The monk with manners,
And then this fuckin' pandemic comes around,
and the whole world gets locked up,
and I get set free,
What was it like being inside when it hit?
It's terrifying,
Old fuckers are dropping like flies,
I got some heart stuff,
Nothing scary, a little arrhythmia,
Probably from doing too many stripers as a young man,
Uh, my lawyers, they jumped on it, and voilà,
That's how I landed on your couch, or in your chair,
Well, it could've been worse,
I mean, it is a comfortable chair,
And when you read the things that people said about you,
after you got out of the hospital,
why wasn't your blood on fire anymore?
'Cause it didn't matter what I did,
Didn't matter if I got my ass kicked in prison
or if I was sitting on a beach in Tahiti,
The world had made up its mind about me,
I mean, not unlike you,
I've made up my mind about you?
Yeah, it doesn't matter what I say in here,
I mean, it matters, but not to you,
Not to you personally,
You took one look at me, had it figured out,
I don't think I have you figured out,
I don't think I have anyone figured out,
To be clear, I don't think you have me figured out either,
Also, I'm not talking about what makes me tick,
I'm not talking about what my issues are,
I just mean me,
You made an assessment of my character
when I walked through the door, and so it doesn't matter
if I recite Shakespeare or smear shit on the walls,
- Colin,,, - Oh, I'm not saying this
from a place of hurt,
I-I'm not offended,
This is, I think, one of my healthier mindsets,
I cannot change the way people look at me,
It doesn't matter what I do, so fuck it,
Fuck them and fuck you, I mean,
not really, but, you know, fuck everyone,
It's all a fuckin' wash, so let's just move on, right?
- There's a lot to unpack there, - But I am right,
Yeah?
From a mental health professional standpoint,
I am not in control of what other people think about me,
First of all, "fuck everyone" is not what I would refer to
as a healthy mindset, Second, it sounds like
you're abdicating responsibility,
Your actions aren't neutral,
Well, of course, I mean, if I shoot someone
and people don't like that about me, it's not because
they have to work out their hang-ups about murder, Obviously,
But I didn't shoot anyone,
I'm just a privileged white guy,
And what do you imagine that means to people?
That I didn't earn anything I had!
I'm sexist, I'm racist, even though I've given money
to the NAACP every month for years,
Long before any of this,,, But, you know, I can't say that,
And, of course, it'd be fuckin' gross to say that,
I don't disagree, Patting myself on the back,
you know, "virtue signaling,"
but I also can't correct the misperception,
or that means I'm silencing minority voices,
So, yeah, My actions aren't neutral, but guess what?
No one's looking at my actions, They're looking at my face,
It's just at a certain point, you really do have to
throw your hands up and just say, "Fuck it, I can't win,"
So we're back to feeling powerless,
- I am powerless, - Well, Colin,
the one time you felt powerless,
you acted out, self-sabotaging,
and putting yourself in real physical danger,
So how can we avoid that outcome?
- I don't know, Klonopin? - Maybe you don't have to be
so concerned with how you are perceived,
That's easy for you to say, No one hates you,
Listen,
You have been through a profound shift in your life,
You were top of the mountain,,,
the man in charge,
Now you've been knocked down a peg or two,
Feels like a lot more than two,
And the world looks different from where you are now,
Don't you think the world looks different
than it did four years ago?
Absolutely, and on top of all the changes
in your personal circumstances,
which are monumental, the world is also changing,
Changing?
I was away four years, I feel like the prehistoric man,
unearthed from the permafrost,
But instead of, you know, ooh-ing and aah-ing
at the technology of the future, I'm getting eviscerated
by my buddy's 26-year-old wife
because I'm not allowed to say "insert appalling word
that was totally fine to say five minutes ago,"
See, I,,, I don't have an ounce of hate in my body,
I think transgender people should be able
to take a piss wherever they want,
I don't think a man should jack off
in the workplace, but the fuckin' icecaps are melting!
We got kids in cages!
You know, I'm just not sure we're,,,
we're looking at the right things at the moment,
Is that because you are
- what's being looked at? - Oh, God,
- d-don't do that, - I really am trying
to understand where you're coming from,
What felt gradual for people on the outside, and listen,
I'm not so sure things felt all that gradual from out here, too,
But felt different for you,
You missed out on some things,
And that's part of the pain of incarceration,
It's not just that,
When I went in, I was a good guy, you know? I was a,,,
And now, I'm,,,
Tell me,
I'm the most liberal person you'll meet!
I was raised in a fuckin' hippie commune, you know? I mean,,,
I-I love Black women! I've dated lots of Black women!
I never voted for a fuckin' Republican in my life!
And my company's very diverse!
For their time? Are you kidding me?
Amnesty International, Southern Poverty Law Center,
I gave more money, a small fortune,
to all these fucking causes!
Heal the Bay, and all the gay ones, It just goes on
and on and on and on, but that doesn't matter?
- No, it matters, - Well, I just,,,
I don't like not having a say in what people think of me,
I'm a good person, People like me,
Or they would if they weren't,,,
A-a-and it's hypocritical
because everyone's guilty of something,
but only some of us pay the price,
So, this cultural shift, you feel there's some sort of
collateral damage, and now, you are,,,
the victim,
Here's the thing, Eddie Murphy, "Delirious,"
That stand-up special, Have you seen it?
- Not for a long time, but yes, - Yeah, you know how many times he says
F-A-G-G-O-T in that thing?
A lot, I mean, I don't know the exact number,
but it's a lot,
But he's your fucking hero, so he gets a pass,
I'm sorry, why is Eddie Murphy my hero?
Oh, come on, You know what I'm saying,
I think you're saying that there's some sort of
- imbalance, - Look, I just think
there's a pleasure taken, a delight,
in correcting this,
You could look at those corrections
as an opportunity for growth,
Oh man,
You know, it-it doesn't matter what I say in here,
You're on their side,
Whose side? There is no malevolent force
working in opposition to you,
If you say so,
This is what I was getting at with the responsibility,
You made choices,
And I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I say that
you made poor choices, You lied to people,
You misled investors, You chose to break the law,
and you are being judged for that,
Now if you choose to remain ignorant of how people
want to be spoken to or spoken about or the things
that they find offensive, that's your choice, too,
You are not powerless,
Things were easy, but now they are less so,
Wait, easy? Wait, what the fuck do you mean?
I was referring to,,,
Oh, see, that's why you don't like me!
Because my life was easy, and yours was so hard,
Why does it matter if I like you?
Excuse me?
It is not essential for the work we do
for me to like you, or for you
to like me, for that matter,
It can actually be helpful if you
were less concerned with my opinion of you,
I'm not concerned, I don't give a shit,
People show me the ugliest sides of themselves all the time,
I can still like them,
I don't care if you like me!
Alright, I care if you sign that stupid form
that says that I can get the fuck on with my life!
So I-I can do things and make things a-and build a life,
instead of driving up here to No Man's Land
to pretend like I'm fuckin' getting somewhere!
Jesus fucking Christ!
You know, if I wanted to sit around talking about
my fucking emotions all day, I'd still be married!
Shit!
Fuck!
Oh shit!
Fuck! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry! I'm fucking,,,
Fuck! I'm a terrible person, I'm,,,
I'm the fucking worst, I'm just an evil person,
No one is saying that, Colin, Calm down,
Yeah, Everyone is saying that,
And would you look at that?
That's our time for today,
Fuck,