Come on,
Fucking useless,
Hey, hey,
Come on,
Come on, you son of a bitch,
Fuck,
Any old storm, any old port
Life is long, love is short
You'd better get a woman Get a woman if you can
If you can't get a woman Get a clean old man
Do they hang too low? Do they swing to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Swing 'em round your shoulder Like European soldier?
Do they hang too low in the mornin'?
Any old storm, any old port
Life is long, love is short
You'd better get a woman Get a woman if you can
If you can't get a woman Get a clean old man
I'd like to open up the floor to deliberations,
I would like to deliberate on the topic of Brother Charles,
Yes, I too would like to speak on the subject of Brother Charles,
Must we do this every single week?
Charles, it is only through the practice of receiving our peers
that we can hope to achieve spiritual perfection,
His behavior has been a matter of grave concern,
He'll often speak ill of the cooperative, take more than his fair share at meals,
I caught him spying with lust upon Joseph and I in the greenhouse,
- Esther, you fucking wish, - Charles!
With deference, Elder Noyes,
I will not stand by idly and accept this slander on my name,
not when I have pledged myself to God as I have,
Do you doubt the principles of our community,
this church that's given you a home these past five years?
I'll admit, I-I-I fear that the culture of free love has grown perverse, yes,
He's just upset none of the sisters will share an experience with him,
Is that true? Have not one of you had a desire to know this man?
They've devised a nickname, sir, with regard to Brother Charles,
What sort of nickname?
"Charlie Get-Out,"
I would sooner not be loved than by any of you harlots or sinners,
I made a mistake thinking I could ever reach enlightenment at a place like this,
Menial farm work and-and-and casual fucking may satisfy this bunch,
but there is a greater destiny out there for me,
Mark my words,
My name will be known one day all across this country,
Laugh away,
But remember, he who laughs last, laughs best,
I'll be glad when you're dead You rascal, you
Hmm?
There's my cheerful husband,
We'll only stay an hour, I promise,
This is your night, Enjoy it,
Mr, President,
Mr, Douglass,
I'd like you to know Blanche K, Bruce, senator from Mississippi,
Oh, I believe we met briefly in Chicago at the convention,
You were for Grant, if memory serves,
I will not dare deny it,
Those I represent cannot afford to lay all their chips on an underdog,
Were I faced with your stakes, I probably would have made the same bet,
Let it be water under the bridge,
Ah,
I admired your strong words during the campaign,
I only hope they will be paired with even stronger action,
The Black man held the line for you in the South, and at his own peril,
I needn't remind you just on whose tab we owe our champagne tonight,
I haven't forgotten,
Our administration will be staffed solely with the most progressive, qualified of--
Greetings, you bastards,
I am skunked,
Your drink of choice, Mr, Vice President?
Sausages!
- Senator Blaine, Mrs, Garfield, - Oh!
Crete, have you met Kate Sprague?
Not in the official sense, but I've heard truly impressive things,
Mrs, Sprague, will the governor be joining us in town tonight?
- Oh, he's detained, sadly, - Oh,
Back in Rhode Island,
Roscoe's graciously offered to escort me to the ball,
I would be rude not to ask after your wife, Senator Conkling,
She's minding the homestead up in Albany,
The climate this far south never much agreed with Julia,
- Mr, President, - Oh,,,
Would you excuse me, gentlemen?
Mrs, Sprague,
Mrs, Garfield,
Good to have you out and about, Blainsy, You've been sorely missed,
Political cockroaches like you and I, Roscoe, we can only stay in exile so long,
- Did you enjoy the president's speech? - Bleeding heart vaudeville,
Crow on about reforms, fetch good press,
I suspect some of it may be sincere,
Yeah, well, I could give a fuck,
You'd better remind our man Garfield just who it was
that saved his campaign at the 11th hour
while he was off slinging pig shit in Ohio and you were licking your wounds,
New York doesn't work pro bono,
He can grandstand all he wants, but we expect to be remembered,
Lighten up, Blainsey, Our side won,
Roscoe, I'm ready to start dancing,
Then dance we must,
Mrs, Sprague, give my best to Governor Sprague,
Oh,
I love it when old men are catty,
Oh, Here we are,
- Thank you, - Oh, happy to be of service,
Then I don't know what you're doing here,
Oh, this city still manages to bring out the worst in people somehow,
I blame the formal attire,
It makes it, uh, awfully difficult to use a toilet,
That's funny,
You should try on a bustle and then let's talk,
I don't know what I was thinking,
I'm not built for this sort of world,
Well, as my sister always likes to say, the world is what we make of it,
And there's no use giving up before we've even begun,
Not sure I caught your name,
Charles Guiteau,
I'm proud to say I'm one of the men that helped make your husband president,
Oh,
Yes,
That makes much more sense,
Speaking of which, I ought to hunt him down,
Oh, no, wait, wait, wait,
Oh, oh, sorry, No, no, I'm not, I'm not--
I just-- I-I-I-I would love a moment with him is all,
To conduct a post-mortem on the campaign to see if I can be of further help to him,
Please?
I will be sure to let him know,
- Have a nice evening, Mr, Guiteau, - Ma'am,
Because they look so neat
Oh, them golden slippers!
Oh, Mr, Vice President Arthur, sir!
Hey!
We really gave those devils a taste of our medicine back in November,
eh, my old friend?
Oh, I can't tell you, sir, the pride I felt that night
when the numbers came in for us,
To be a force in a great movement much larger than myself,
- Shit! - Indeed, indeed,
And we have a rare opportunity, don't you think?
To effect the kind of mandate that only comes along once in a generation,
- I gotta tell you, sir, I'm ready, - What's it now?
I'm ready to be called up, sir, in an official capacity,
I would very much like to be part of this organization,
Mm-mm!
Hm! Okay, yes,
Yes, sir? Yes?
That's splendid! That's splendid news!
I had a sense you would agree, We'll make an unbeatable pair, you and I,
I wonder where I could be used for the greatest public benefit,
Um, some consulate, perhaps, to strengthen our ties with Europe?
I have a little French, My name is French,
Okay, okay, okay, listen,
I need you to do something for me, Something very, very important,
Anything, anything,
I need you to find the sausage man,
The sausage man?
You, there!
May we examine your invitation to tonight's event, please?
I'm the Vice President, you fuckin' pricks,
Apologies, sir,
We mean this fellow with you,
We discovered a broken window in the East Wing
and have reason to suspect someone snuck in,
Your invitation, please,
This is not what it appears,
Let's take it outside,
No, let's not take it out-- No, get your hands off me,
Sir, will you please tell them that I belong here?
Get your hands off me!
Sir, will you tell them who I am?
I don't have the slightest fucking idea,
No!
Get off the-- Hey!
- Careful! - Stop! What are you doing?
Get off the bike! Get off!
The dog does not belong here!
Ooh!
Take the dog out!
- Stop! - Can't we keep him?
Will you stop?
Stop!
Conkling wants Secretary of State,
Oh, does he?
The senior-most role in my cabinet?
We wouldn't have won the election without him,
God knows I wasn't much help in Maine,
Oh, stop it,
Well, I've drawn up my own list of appointees,
Here, have a look,
Me,
I need a Secretary of State I can trust,
I'm dealing with a rogue vice president, as it stands,
I'm honored, Mr, President,
But for your sake,
I ought to reject it,
- You're the best man for the job, - Of course I am,
All the names on your list are, and not one of them is remotely viable,
These are all progressives, avowed enemies of the spoils system,
They won't even get hearings,
- Conkling owns a third of the Senate, - His hold isn't so firm,
I believe some may be swayed,
All due respect, Mr, President,
there are none who can be swayed,
They are all cronies bought and paid for by the New York State Customs House,
- When did you get so damn cynical? - I'm a realist,
There is no one alive who hates Roscoe Conkling as much as I,
But as long as he holds three quarters of our federal revenue hostage,
he is the party,
No, he's not,
The people are,
And I swore an oath to them when I took this office,
It's time to put an end to the era of the power broker once and for all,
He won't go quietly,
That's why I'm asking for help,
We die, we die together,
Excuse me,
Excuse me, sir,
Um, I demand an audience with the president,
You'll have to wait your turn,
No, I don't think you understand, I'm not one of these people,
My name is Charles Guiteau, I was a campaign notable in New York,
I was a notable too, in Michigan,
Sir, the Knights of Peoria have raised over $450,
Hold on, these men have not-- And I've got a--
The president wants you all to know he values your time,
Just,,, be patient and keep to a single file, please,
I'll be right here! My name is Charles Guiteau!
He'll know who I am,
- Sir? - Yes,
As your private secretary,
I would strongly advise you to reconsider meeting with constituents today,
I've made up my mind, Joe,
An elected official, no matter the rank,
isn't worth his salary if he can't find time for the people he serves,
Calling hours are open to the common man five days a week, though,
I don't know about you,
but I'd rather spend time with the common man than politicians,
Darling, might we at least pay for some form of protection?
We haven't vetted any one of these men or frisked for weaponry,
Oh, nonsense,
Assassination can no more be guarded against
than death by lightning,
It's best not to worry too much about either one,
I didn't vote for him,
Mr, President, I come before you today with a special request,
Mr, President, I don't beseech you lightly,
but on behalf of all God-fearing whites,,,
Minister to Belgium?
Denmark,
He sees himself on the Supreme Court,
No, I cannot read, but I am a quick study,
There is the small matter of my criminal record,
Might I bend your ear about the Jews?
Heck, mister, just put me anywhere that you please,
As long as it pays,
They're relentless,
Shall we put a pin in it for today, sir?
Are there that many more out there?
Oh, Jesus,
Brazen office-seekers,
The scourge of every president from Washington on,
Not after we reform civil service,
Seeing as though I got you on the spot,
you think one last brazen seeker could steal a minute of your time?
Just so long as there's a drink involved,
- A senator always comes prepared, - Hm,
Folks, I'm afraid today's calling hours for the president have come to an end,
But never fear, they will resume tomorrow, and every day hence, Thank you,
Can I at least get a number in advance to secure my spot?
Fuck,
Hello, Levi, You know why you've been called to the morgue this evening?
Believe me,
- I didn't-- - Accept a job from Garfield?
Because I'm pretty fucking sure that's exactly what you did,
A good one, too,
Secretary of the Navy,
I know how you love your boats,
How could you possibly know it was offered already?
Mr, Vice President?
I don many a hat,
You'd conspire to torpedo your own president's agenda?
There is no agenda, Just two types of men with very contrary ideas on government,
Navy's not the job for him,
If I were you, I'd stay right where you are in the House,
Would you concur, Vice President Arthur?
Hm, House? Yeah,
House is a much cozier prospect for Mr, Morton in the long term,
In the long term,
So, this is what we're gonna do,
I made this decision wholly of my own volition
without any outside influence at all,
- Family time is very important to me, - Bullshit!
- Tell me what Conkling said! - All right,
Could you help me understand, because less than 24 hours ago,
you sat in that very spot
and accepted the post gladly,
I'm sorry,
Good luck with your search,
He's gonna kill as many of your appointments as he can
until he gets what he wants,
Senator Allison, also here to speak with you, also says it's urgent,
There goes your treasury pick,
- We need to get ahead of this now, - Ahead of it?
It's like he's got a copy of the jobs list,
Didn't that only go out to key White House personnel?
Yes,
Forgive me, am I interrupting something?
Mr, President,
To what do I owe?
Well, I believe we've been long overdue for a candid dialogue,
May I?
So, have you been enjoying your duties at the White House thus far, Mr, Arthur?
My duties?
I wasn't aware I had any,
The Vice President's job is purely ornamental,
Kiss babies, attend functions, play Santa at the holiday party,
Normally that's true, but have you been down to the Capitol lately?
I do my best to avoid that fucking shithole at all costs,
Fair enough,
except are you aware we currently have a deadlock on the Senate floor?
- 37-37 split of support, - Hm,
In that rare situation,
the Vice President is deputized to act as the tie-breaking vote,
And in the case of my appointments--
I am the difference between them being blocked and going through,
Mm-hmm,
You have an opportunity now to exhibit genuine leadership,
Come on,
I'm no leader,
And even if I were, my politics are not your own,
Let's not be under any illusions here,
I was only ever offered this job as a means of kneecapping Conkling,
You're right,
And it was a stunningly stupid calculus,
You are, without a doubt,
the least qualified candidate on Earth for this role,
And if I had my say,
I'd have tapped just about anyone else over you,
At least that was my initial view,
But since your selection, I've had a chance to do some reading up on you,
I was surprised to learn, for example, that you were once a respected lawyer
before Conkling and the Customs House,
Your clients were the poor, the weak, the disenfranchised,
Early in your career,
you represented a Black woman who'd been thrown off a streetcar,
I can't figure why a man like that would pivot to machine politics,
Yeah,
One can only punch up and lose so many times,
Better to be within the system than perpetually without,
And now that you're within?
Once he has finally seen the summit,
what does Chester Arthur actually stand for?
Mr, President,
Oh, Senator,
Roscoe,
Word around town is you're having trouble holding on to some of your appointees,
Yes? What is it, do you think, with men losing their spines lately?
Quite the epidemic,
Ever a pleasure, gentlemen,
Perhaps you'd have greater success
directing your search elsewhere,
New York, maybe,
Poor bastard,
He has no clue he's already dead,
- I think that might be it, - Excuse me, Forgive me,
I just wanted to ask,
will calling hours be on time this morning?
Only because I wish to plan my day accordingly,
I'm afraid the President won't be taking any other meetings today, sir,
Won't?
Well,,,
I-- I've been waiting here for hours,
and you said yourself, yesterday,,,
I need you to know that I was a booster from day one,
I have stumped for him,
I've delivered speeches in front of crowds,
and I have notes of commendation,
James Blaine,
And Chester Arthur,
Ask any one of them, they'll tell you about Guiteau,
- Guiteau? - That's me, Guiteau,
I understand, sir,
If you come back next week, I will ensure you meet the president,
Until then, I will place your application on special file for consideration,
That's splendid, Splendid! Ha!
- Uh, next week, you say? - Yes,
Um,,, next week, Yes, I should be able to make myself available then, Thank you,
All right, so Robert Todd Lincoln for secretary of war,
Your new friend, Senator Bruce, for treasury regist--
What about, um, Hunt for the Navy?
Claims court judge, and he has that thing on his chin?
That one, the-- the-- the billy goat,
- Not a bad idea, actually, - Hm,
I'm sorry, isn't the First Lady slated to host Wives Club this evening?
No, I told them you were taking over, so just strap on a bonnet,
For the record, Rutherford Hayes's wife was so much nicer than you,
Have we lost you, Jim? You need some coffee?
I just can't drive it from my brain, that smug look Roscoe gave me earlier,
He's enjoying himself,
A wretch like Conkling can only be stamped out
by matching him blow for blow, fight fire with fire,
My husband is a famously poor hater,
It's true,
And I deprecate war,
but if it's brought to my door, the bringer will find me at home,
Dear Franny, my sweet sister,
I'm sorry to have left you last spring without a proper goodbye,
but I write you with wonderful news,
I've been promised a post in James Garfield's White House,
Can you believe I staked my bet with a winning horse?
This president is a man who remembers his friends,
and oh, did I ever keep the faith!
The probable placement, as far as I can gather,
is some sort of foreign consulship,
I think I'd lean towards something in Paris, or maybe Vienna,
I'm so excited,
I'm already in the thick of learning German and French,
I often think back
to those dark days trapped under father's roof,
That laugh of his haunts me yet,
Well, this will show him, and the rest,
The downside to being abroad, of course,
is I won't be able to visit with your family for Christmas,
but I'll be sure to mail my gift,
Which reminds me, will George prefer his restitution in cash or check?
I'm so close, Franny, I promise I'm gonna make it right,
And then I'll be worthy of your pride,
I will earn your love,
Until next time,
au revoir and auf Wiedersehen,
It was only a matter of time before Conkling sent one of his thugs,
Is now a bad time?
You tell your boss James Blaine is no Levi Morton or William Allison,
He will not be cowed or intimidated,
The Secretary of State post is filled,
Well, to be candid, sir, I never assumed that Secretary of State was on the table,
I'd been hoping for a French consulship at best,
- Consul-- Wait, I-- - Yes,
I'm Charles Guiteau, sir,
We worked together in New York City on a campaign,
So you're not here to cow or intimidate me?
Intimidate you? No, God, no,
I was just in the area and I thought I would stop by and say hello,
offer my company for a quick nightcap,
Have any idea what time it is?
Uh, gee, uh,,,
I,,, I'd estimate that it was half past,
Oh,,,
But if you'd just give me five minutes, sir,
to impress on you the value that a man like me could have--
Mr, Guiteau,
Charles Guiteau,
The president will see you now,
Me?
Please come in,
Is he so great in the flesh?
He's the most extraordinary man I've ever known,
Sir,
Uh, we shook hands, um, the two of us, one time before,
Back in Chicago,
I'm sure you wouldn't remember, I don't--
- I apologize, I don't think I do, - That's okay,
We're here now,
Hm,
Um,,,
Uh, forgive me,
Um,,,
You have no clue how hard I worked to get to you,
Oh,
What can I do for you, Mr,,,
Uh, Guiteau, My name's Guiteau, And,,,
All I want, sir, uh,,,
is to be your friend,
Oh,
And I-- I wrote this for you, Um,,,
I-- I made it, uh,,,
It was a speech that I gave at the rally in New York,
Why, thank you, It's deeply generous,
I mean every word of it,
It's-- You're an inspiration, sir,
Your story of ascent from poverty to the highest office in the land
has kept me going all this time,
A flare of hope at the end of a very long and murky tunnel,
Mm, Hm,
And,,,
I know, um, this may sound peculiar, but,,,
I feel in my core that I really do,,,
know you, Mr, Garfield,
I'm your man,
Help me,
Sorry?
Help me to succeed like you did,
Open the door,
Let me in, I'm-- I'm asking you to--
Well, I'm-- I'm begging you,
Tell me,
Tell me how I can be great too,
I'm afraid you misinterpret me, Mr, Guiteau,
You see, we're all only men,
It is God, not I, who is great,
Who grants us purpose,
Sir,
Hm,
There's been an incident, and it requires your urgent attention,
Uh, it's lovely to meet you, Mr, Guiteau, If you'll excuse me,
Likewise, sir, You've given me much to consider,
- Might I submit myself to be consid-- - Decisions will be made shortly,
Dad, she fainted out of the blue, She was burning up, I don't,,,
Okay, Shh,
Darling?
Why? Why is she cold?
It's malaria,
She's running hot and cold, sir,
We're doing everything we can,
Oh,
Oh, Mr, Guiteau, this letter came for you today,
Postmarked from Illinois,
Oh, Chicago,
That's my sister, Fran,
Franny,
Everything all right?
No, not really,
She's written to say that our father died this,,,
this last July, Uh,,,
Oh, I am so sorry,
July,
Now, let's see,
What was I doing last July?
I was still in New York,,, stumping for the President,
Yeah,
For James Garfield,
James Garfield,
That's what I was doing,
Hey,
Enough,
Someth--
If you're going to sit there and stare, at least help distract me,
- Hm, - Go on,
How was the rest of your day?
My day?
There was a gentleman who asked me a very peculiar question,
How he might achieve greatness, as I did,
Well, it sounds like he wanted a job,
And how did you reply to the man?
I said he'd come to me by mistake,
Jim, you,,,
Did you really?
Mm-hmm,
You need to give these people something to go off of,
You know better than anyone I'm the furthest thing from a great man,
Mm,
I realize that dragging us back into this world has taken a toll,
You're not perfect,
But this is about more than just you, isn't it?
Take that man from today and many more like him,
They look up to you now,
Well, they ought to find another altar to worship at,
I'm no one's savior,
No, Jim, you're their leader, Your job is to inspire hope,
Shh,
And make them believe,
I can't do this without you,
I'm not going anywhere,
I promise,
You're right,
You are a good man, Jim,
You are,
Now go show those bastards who we are,
Mm-hmm,
Are you sure you want to do this?
It's the last option we have to get our men through,
I back down now, my government is his for plunder,
This is akin to exploding a bomb in his backyard,
Conkling will come after you,
He will use everything in his power to destroy you,
I expect it, but there's a method to quashing any hydra,
First you pick a head and chop it off,
And then,,,
you cauterize the wound before it has a chance to regrow,
Fuck!
- I bought you that set as a gift, - He has no right, the fucking cocksucker!
Roscoe!
Have you fucking heard already?
Of course, it's all over town,
He's taken the New York customs right out from under us,
the fucking son of a bitch,
We built that goddamn institution from the ground up! You and me!
No president's ever named his own collector,
That job is ours,
- Do we even know this what's-his-name? - Robertson, Moralizer, Fucking twat!
There must be something you can do,
The collector controls the ports by which 75% of all federal revenue is earned,
And who was the last collector?
You're fucking looking at him!
- If we lose control of the ports-- - We're crippled,
We are gimped, New York becomes just another state in the Union,
It's a shot across our bow,
No, it's Fort fucking Sumter,
Casus belli,
You're damn right,
Casus fucking belli,
No more pussyfooting from me,
I'm with you on this,
To the end,
Give word to all,
We go to war,
Where is everybody?
The president has suspended his calling hours indefinitely,
He can't do that,
He-- He made a promise during the campaign he would meet with his public,
You had your audience already, pal,
Go home and bother someone else,
I'm not your pal, And I need to see him this instant,
We have pressing matters to discuss,
Mr, President! Mr, President!
Mr, President!
- Go! - Step aside!
Don't you even think about it!
Put that down, you devil!
Eat shit! I'm a taxpayer!
Stop!
Oh! Oh, oh!
Mr, Secretary! My luck to run into you, sir,
Oh!
Good day, sir,
I have, here, in my possession, a note of friendship from the president,
And it's my understanding that you, as the presumptive Secretary of State,
you have a responsibility to fill the open posts in your department,
Good God, sir, Not right now, I beg you,
- No, just look here, - I beg you,
This letter is a vote of confidence,
It's a full-throated endorsement from Garfield himself
to put me right in at the-- at the French consulate,
You just don't know when to quit,
Let me put an end to it, then,
The consulship has been filled,
No, no, no, That can't be right because I've been made certain assurances,
You have not,
- Read it, - Forging documents is a crime!
You're lucky I don't march you to the authorities,
I have forged nothing!
How dare you, sir?
I,,, I can't fathom why you would talk to me like that
when all I want to do is help,
I am tenacious, I am,
I am, but I persist because I am devoted to this president,
Sir, he does not know you, nor you him,
No, you persist because you are a seeker, an opportunist, and a pest,
And you have no prospect of a job in this administration whatsoever,
Mr, President,
I write you tonight as a citizen, deeply troubled,
As you are well aware, I'm a day one stalwart of yours,
And I have been trying to be your friend,
But I do not think that you appreciate it,
You've chosen to surround yourself with wicked, vindictive men,
cold-hearted men,
who would sooner spit on those under them than offer any sort of leg up,
Was this your great vision?
More of the same?
At the expense of those poor, hardworking souls
who trusted you with their vote?
Has it been so long that you do not know that you were once one of them?
You were supposed to be the one who finally changed things,
A president for the people,
I shouted your name in the streets for months until my voice ran hoarse,
I fought for you, desperately,
But you lied to us,
All you've done is reinforce the gates,
And what is more, the blame lies in part with me,
I helped sell you,
The worst mistake I ever made in my life
was believing in you,
It's as you said in your speech,
"We stand now at a critical precipice,"
And I know history will remember us for what we do in this moment,
And I see now that God has granted me a special purpose all along,
A destiny waiting to be fulfilled,
Our nation cries out for help,
If its president refuses to heed the call,
if he will not fix us,
then perhaps,,,
perhaps it's the president himself who needs fixing most,
This here is a self-cocking, ,,,44 caliber British Bulldog,
One of the strongest ever put into the market,
We carry the handle in ivory too, if you want,
But that'll run you a dollar more than the wood,
The ivory,
It's museum quality,