HUMMING
WHISPERING
SILENCE
Hello?
EXCITED GIGGLING
Who\'s there?
WHISPERING
GASPING
WHISPERS: Hi,
Hello,,,? Oh! He spoke to me! He knows I exist!
MIKE: They\'re early! Alison, I can see their car!
What is he talking about?
Our first guests, down at the Gatehouse,
The Gatehouse?! So exciting, Oh!
Do you want to go, or shall I?
But who are they? Is there a vetting process?
Shall we go together?
Er, sure, Yeah, Or is that creepy?
Oh, Er,,, You go, You go,
Good luck, OK, All right, Won\'t be long,
What are their connections? What is their circumstance?
Or are you just inviting people in willy-nilly?
I quite agree, Fanny,
They\'re just coming for their holidays! Their what?
I mean, I can show you their booking if you really want,
I\'m sure they\'re a lovely couple,
It\'s their anniversary,
Oh! Hello?
Dirty weekend? Don\'t even think about it,
What? They\'re the first ones to leave a review, OK?
It has to go well, Just leave them alone,
All right, all right, all right, fun police,
What is she thinking? Honestly!
REPORTER ON TV: The body had been remarkably preserved
over the centuries in the ice,
Using state-of-the-art 3D modelling,
researchers have been able to create this image
of what the iceman would have looked like,
PRESENTER: And viewers can see the full story
in tonight\'s special, The Man In The Ice,
I know that guy! CAPTAIN: Huh?
FANNY: ,,,with me, Robin, Honestly! I swear on my life,
PAT: You\'re dead, mate!
I mean, it could be anyone, They all, y\'know,,,
They what? Look the same?
I didn\'t say that, You do tell a lot of tall tales, truth be told,
Look, I met the guy,
When? Where?
Well, I don\'t know,
It was long time ago!
Hmm,,, I met him!
ALL: Ooh,,,!
It is exciting meeting someone off the telly, though, isn\'t it?
You know, someone famous?
I actually met Bobby Davro in the changing rooms
of the Thimbleby Leisure Centre,
I lent him my talc,
Mm, I met Field Marshal Harold Alexander,
Bally hero, Anyone else?
Byron, Was a tosspot,
I suppose if I\'d lived a little longer,
I might have met someone interesting,
I met the Elephant Man, THEY GASP
Elephant Man?
What? You met John Merrick? What was he like?
Rather boring, Couldn\'t see the fuss,
Hmm, let me see,,,
How about,,, the Queen?!
ALL: Ooh! Very good,
Beat that,
Henry VIII,
ALL EXCLAIM
Even better, Touche,
I think Humphrey takes it,
How did it go? Did you show them round? Yeah,
Did they like the bottle of wine?
I don\'t know, They didn\'t drink it in front of me,
Well, how did they seem? They seemed,,,
,,,all right, Yeah, They didn\'t really say much, to be honest,
Oh, Probably waiting for you to get out
so they could get it on!
Do you think they were disappointed?
Maybe the photos make it look too good,
Or maybe they just had a long journey, So they were tired,
I don\'t know! Well, did they ask for anything else?
Just extra pillows, Great, Cool, Yeah,
Well, we can do that, I\'ll just go to the basement and get some covers,
OK, Alison?
I\'ll come, too, Oh! Erm,,,
Extra pillows?! Who do these people think they are,
the Princess and the Pea?!
What? I knew you\'d regret this, Alison,
You\'ve got a couple of perfect strangers
in the servants\' quarters while you, the lady of the house,
running around after them like the maid,
The world\'s gone absolutely topsy-turvy,
They\'re on holiday, that\'s all, And they\'re paying us,
Exactly, You\'re the staff,
Oh,,,
Ah! I\'d love a little holiday, me,
What be "holly day"?
You mean you\'ve never been on holiday, Mary?
Don\'t think so,
Oh, Mary! Where do I start?
Can I come with you to see the guests?
Erm, it\'s a bit,,, I kind of want to be able to concentrate,
Come on, then, tell us, What did he say?
He said hello to me, Well, he said hello to both of us,
Well, he was looking at me, Was he? Yeah, I don\'t know he was,
Does he look as good in real life?
All right, He looked better, if anything,
He\'s so elegant, the way he moves, in\'t he?
Really, like, demure, like a,,, flamingo or something,
Yeah, ALL: Ooh!
Are you talking about Thomas? Yeah,
I just wish I could get to know him, I reckon he\'d be really
sensitive and attentive,
Yeah, careful what you wish for!
I mean, I know him, He\'s one of my best friends,
I could definitely introduce you to him, if you like,
What?!
That is such a good idea, Kitty, He would love that,
Are you serious? Really? My Lord!
In real, real life? I can\'t believe that,
WOMAN CRIES Are you all right?
What happened to yous?
Just excited, Yeah, Yeah!
ROBIN GRUNTS
I just remember his name! The guy from the television,
What was it?
Hat,
Sorry, "Hat"?
Hat,
Like,,, a hat?
Yeah, but this was before hats,
Well, they\'re not going to find out his name
by studying his bones, are they?
This doesn\'t prove a thing, Robin,
His name was Hat!
Oh! I remember now, we make a trade,
He give me furs and I give him special tool,
CHUCKLES
It was a stone tied to a stick! He\'s so naive,
You can say what you like, Robin, but it\'s hardly evidence, is it?
Hmm? Ach!
EXCITED WHISPERING
CAPTAIN: Ooh! Alison! Bogeys at six o\'clock,
Oh, they\'re with me, Hiya, Thomas,
Hi, How are you doing today? All right?
Er, yes, thank you,
So, these guys are really, really big fans of yours,
and if it\'s not too much trouble, they\'d like to meet you,
Really?
I was,,, meant to start working on a new,,,
,,,but,,, but it\'s fine, it can wait, Bring them forward,
Come forward,
Yes, that\'s it,
Hi, Hello,
Can I just say, I think you\'re amazing,
We think you\'re amazing,
Really amazing, Thank you,
Can I ask you a question?
Er, yes, quickly, Be quick,
What\'s your favourite, erm,,,
,,,animal? That\'s a good one,
Probably a wild tiger,
Yes! I told you!
I told YOU that! Yes? You?
Er, wh-wh-what\'s your favourite colour?
Burgundy, big time,
No way!
Alison? Yeah?
What the bally heck is going on?
Ah, They took a bit of a shine to my painting of Thomas
in the basement, Right,
And now he\'s some sort of demi-god?
They love him, What\'s wrong with that?
It\'s absurd! I mean, look at him,
Alison, could we have a picture with Thomas, please?
Er, yeah, all right, OK,
Very well,
Can you do that?
OK,,,
In-between you both? Yeah, yeah,
Oh, yeah, Oh, Yeah,
Er, did you mean a painting?
Oh, yeah, Doesn\'t have to be a big one, Yeah just a little one,
No! What\'s the matter with her?
Cow, She\'s not doing the painting?
For goodness\' sake! Don\'t ask, don\'t get,
Yeah, exactly,
She\'s not doing them today, guys, She\'s not doing paintings,
What about tomorrow? You\'d have to ask about tomorrow,
I will,
MAN GRUNTS RHYTHMICALLY
Oh-ho-ho! Didn\'t take long!
Wha\'?
GRUNTING CONTINUES
Ah!
GRUNTS Oh!
Great minds, eh? Er, well, no, no,
I simply wanted to see who was lording it over Alison,
Well, I\'ll let you know when the action starts,
I told you, I\'m not remotely interested
in watching this man and his wife in the throes of marital,,,
FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
Oh!
Your pillows, I\'m Alison, by the way,
Shameful! Simpering like a servant!
Hello? Hello!
,,,and I said we were happy to have them, and if there\'s
anything else they need, they should let us know,
Right, And what did he say?
He said they would let us know if they need anything,
OK, so,,, what\'s the problem?
I just,,, I didn\'t get a good vibe, Like, they didn\'t seem,,,
,,,happy, What, like he was rude?
No, just, like, weren\'t,,,
,,,holiday-fied,
Really? Well, do you think there\'s something wrong
with the room? Maybe those photos do make it look too good,
Maybe, But what if it\'s nothing to do with the room?
Then that\'s not our fault,
Yeah, but we want them to have a good time,
Yeah, but we can\'t make them have a good time,
If they don\'t have a good time, they won\'t leave a good review,
Yeah, Well, what do we do?
Maybe you should go, I am not asking them if they\'re unhappy,
No! But just, y\'know, kind of go in
under the radar, just see what\'s up, Ah, Right,
Like, "Here\'s another pillow, in case six isn\'t enough,
"Ooh! Are you depressed?"
Yeah, Maybe it\'d just make things worse,
Yeah,
SHE SIGHS
This is hard, Yeah!
There! You see?
Tossa de Mar,
Paradise,
But that\'s across the seas!
You must have journeyed for days and days!
Yeah! Get him in the Datsun, Ten-pence piece for the toll,
Blue Riband in the glove box,
Status Quo in the tape deck, and you\'re on the motorway,
Now, you need to get to the airport
at least four hours before your flight
so you can check in your bags and go through passport control,
Passp,,,?
Passport! Passport, yeah,,,
Yeah, yeah, It\'s an official document
given to you by the Government,
It offers you protection as a British citizen
should you get into any trouble,
Troubles?!
Yeah, like, y\'know, if you lose your luggage, say,
or, erm, find yourself
in the middle of a military coup and need to be evacuated,
Oh,,,
But that only happened once,
Now, duty-free!
We\'re talking gin, Toblerones, fags, if you smoke \'em,
He had a tattoo!
Hat, he had a tattoo on his back,
Mm,
Sailor, was he? Or a convict?
What was it?
It was like a big X,
X marks the spot!
Where was the treasure? In his bottom?
PLAGUERS LAUGH
He\'s so funny! He\'s so funny!
He\'s so quick!
Look, his name was Hat, gave me this fur,
had a tattoo on his back,
Again, Robin, this proves nothing,
Yes, I mean, you could tell us he had a,,,
He\'s going to say something funny again, Listen to this, Shhh!
Shut up! Oh, here it comes!
That\'s spoiled it now!
Whatever it was, it was going to be funny,
Yeah, definitely! And clever, too, probably,
Why are they here?
Why are you here?
Why are you fawning over this man?
What has he done to earn your admiration?
Well, he\'s famous, in\'t he? My mate said he was famous,
Yeah, I said that,
Oh, good grief!
I mean, if you\'re going to adulate somebody,
at least choose a person of merit,
a person who\'s achieved something, Churchill, Monty,
Lord Brigadier Sir Anthony Bartholomew Raisinby Jones,
Who? Who?
Heroes,
Men,
I need some air,
Oh, I think he\'s off,
I wonder where he\'s going,
Maybe he\'s hot and he needs to take his top off, Don\'t, don\'t!
Oh, it\'s relentless!
Guys, I think Thomas needs some space,
I\'m afraid he\'s very busy
and he cannot be disturbed while he works,
so that\'s enough for today, thank you,
What?
He\'s very busy,
Ohhh!
You all right, Thomas? Oh, Alison,
you\'ve no idea what it\'s like to be pursued endlessly,
obsessively, objectified, harassed,
given no space,
Yeah, that sounds like hell,,,
You look radiant today, by the way,
SPORT ON TV
JULIAN: Crikey, this is depressing,
Yes, I thought my marriage was cold,
See? This is what happens when you get to know each other too well,
No mystery left, no spark,
A fine excuse, I\'m sure there\'s plenty of spark
under the surface,
Well, it takes two to tango,
Hmm,
Oh! Seriously? It\'s half nine!
Which is a perfectly acceptable time for a lady to retire,
You would say that,
And what exactly do you mean by that?
Well, you\'re a square, aren\'t you? Just like her,
Oh! You\'ve never known how to handle a woman,,,
OWL HOOTS
Tea and coffee there,
Oh, Mary! Holiday breakfasts! Heaven on Earth!
You can have cereals and a cooked breakfast,
And pastries! You have to make sure you time it right,
because they leave the cooked bits in the serving trays,
so you\'ve got to go up when a fresh batch of scrambled eggs go in,
Then you\'ve got to pounce!
Otherwise you load your plate up with sausages and beans
and so on, only to find you\'re stuck with
the cold, milky scraps at the bottom of the tray!
Oh, no! Yeah,
Anyway, after breakfast,,,
,,,it\'s off to the beach!
Yay! Weather permitting,
Oh, yeah,,, Yeah,
They\'re not talking to each other,
Right, Something\'s definitely up,
I mean, maybe they didn\'t sleep very well,
I told you we should have tried that mattress!
You\'re joking! That mattress is better than ours,
It cost more than the TV,
Well, hopefully this\'ll cheer them up,
Oh, my God! Full of conversation this morning,,,!
Ha! Ready and waiting, if there\'s a conversation to be had,
Oh, really? I hadn\'t noticed,
Maybe if she took her head out of her smartphone for one second,
he might think it was worth saying something,
She\'s busy,
Leave your work at home, love! Supposed to be on holiday, yeah?
Well, would he rather be with his wife
or going off on his bicycle?
She may as well be working,
if he\'s more interested in that contraption,
Anything else I can get you? BOTH: No, it\'s fine,
No, Nothing more, thank you, OK,
I\'ve got some intel, Ooh,
Ah, that\'s enough butter, thank you,
Oh! There he is! There he is!
Oh, my goodness, the dew is still upon the grass,
and already they come for their pound of flesh,
KITTY GIGGLES
Katherine, would you be a darling and detain them
while I compose myself? Of course!
Right, morning, everyone,
Thomas will be able to do some meeting and greeting shortly,
so if I can ask you to please form a queue,,,
Actually, I\'ve slept here, You pushed in,
No! No! All right, we all get a turn, Will we all get a turn?
ALL MOAN
Robin! Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!
SILENCE
You heard lady! Form a queue!
Why are you stood in front of me?
Excuse me,,, All right!
It\'s empty, you know, All this,
They don\'t know the first thing about you, Thorne,
They\'ve just formed this,,, infatuation
based on an image,
They\'re waiting on the stairs,
I thought you could have an hour now
to relax and then a meet-and-greet with the fans,
which will take you up until Food Club,
or I can get you out of that, if you want,
Wonderful, Kitty, I don\'t know what I\'d do without you,
No, it\'s a pleasure to be on the team,
Ridiculous!
You mustn\'t be so jealous, Captain,
Believe me, you wouldn\'t want this,
It\'s a tiresome consequence of the life of a successful artist,
They don\'t care about your art!
Faradiddle, sir! They love me for my poems,
Tish-tosh!
Fine, We\'ll prove it,
Katherine, change of plan,
Tell the creatures I shall give a recital in the ballroom at noon,
Then we shall see!
Mm, And then we\'ll see,
And then,,, we will see,
You\'re insane, No way, It\'s like vandalism,
Or they can have a miserable time and leave a crappy first review
and ruin our B&B before it\'s even started!
What kind of review would you give if the host slashed your bike tyres?
Not slash, Gently puncture,
What?
We\'ll make it look like a stone did it, or something,
And then we\'ll offer him a repair kit
and he\'ll think we\'re really helpful,
It is not our job to fix their marriage,
But imagine if it worked!
It would be the best holiday ever,
It\'s a small misdemeanour for the greater good,
HE SIGHS
Fine, But you\'re doing the tyre, Yes!
I forgot to mention, you\'ve got to get up early
to put your towels on the sunbeds
before you go to breakfast, yes,
Now, I like to go for a dip first,
before I put my sun cream on,
otherwise you just wash it off,
And believe me, you don\'t want to have sunburn! No!
Daley got it so bad once, we had to cover his whole body
in bicarbonate of soda! And that were on t\'first day!
So we had to keep him in t\'shade until we went home,
And then, a week later, he shed his skin like a snake!
And then there was the holiday where we all got food poisoning
from the dodgy beach melons,
Or the one where someone pinched me wallet
and the police accused me of lying! And,,,
And come to think of it, Mary,
holidays are a bloody nightmare!
Keep clear!
They\'re nothing but stress,
Sorry, Sorry,
Still,,,
,,,sound like an adventure to me!
I never did leave my town of birth, so,,,
What, not once?
No, never, no,
No,
Was a life of toiling the land for us,
you know, outside all the day, planting, harvesting,
fetching water from the well and logs for the fire,
Teaching the childrens how to weave baskets
five potatoes high!
Feeding the livestock and picking fruit,
Oh, and pressing apples for the cider,
Sometimes would my husband go to the lake to fish,
and then I would join him
and prepare a fire to cook the catch,
And then would we huddle under a blanket and eat
as the sun sank beyond the trees
and the birds sang for their bedtimes,
Well! Mary,,,
,,,one day of your life
sounds like my perfect holiday,
Five stars,
Oh, Well, I suppose it was all right,
Up to a point,
Sure, Sure,
SHE CLEARS THROAT
AIR HISSES
I hope you\'re right about this,
Mm,
ALISON EXHALES
Oh, it\'s so exciting!
Do you have a ticket? I didn\'t know we needed,,,
Well, they\'re make-believe, so,,,
Thank you! Ticket, please,
Thank you!
EXCITED CHATTER
And now the moment you\'ve all been waiting for -
an audience with Thomas Thorne,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Sh, sh, sh, sh,
Hmm,,,
This first poem,,,
,,,is called Misty Glade,
Misty Glade! It\'s good, that,
CLEARS THROAT
I hear the running water
It rushes to be with the sea
And so it is with me
She stands among the birch and elk
The cobwebs shimmer,,,
Where are the cobwebs? I don\'t know,
Maybe in the branches of the birch and elk,
The dew dresses the forest floor
A crystal carpet
And here a door! That once,,,
A door in the woods?
I think it might be a metaphor, like an opening of some kind,
Not a real door? Cease,,,
,,,the chatter,
Thank you,
I\'ll start again,
I hear the running water
It rushes to be with the sea,,,
CHATTER A verdant spr,,,
That\'s not how I read it,
May I finish? Is this going to be long?
Cos I need the toilet,
Is it meant to be more abstract?
I\'m sorry, I just don\'t get it,
You\'re not supposed to get it, you philistine wazzock! It\'s art!
Yeah, but it\'s confusing, So confusing!
It is ambiguous, If you don\'t like it, get out!
Fine, I will, No worries, mate,
It\'s rubbish, anyway, I don\'t like it here, anyway,
Sorry, but that\'s really rude, You\'re the wazzock!
CAPTAIN CLEARS THROAT
Ah! I\'ve got a poem,
There once was a poet called Thomas
Who suddenly found himself famous
Thought it was grand
Until then, he find,,, found,,,
Well, I can\'t do it!
The point is, I was right, hmm?
Hmm! Good, Carry on,
Well, I liked it,
You\'re sweet, Kitty, You don\'t have to pretend,
No, really! I especially liked the one about the egg,
It\'s funny, I don\'t like eating eggs, but I like poems about them,
What was next? I think the diary\'s clear now,
Yes,
HE SIGHS
HE HUMS
Alison?
They\'re coming back!
Awww! It worked!
Looks like it, Yes!
Thanks, guys,
No problem, You\'re welcome,
Sometimes, all it takes is a little bit of connection,
Isn\'t that right, Julian?
Took the words right out of my mouth,
Hello! Anniversary is back on!
JULIAN CHUCKLES
ROBIN: Everybody, come quick!
BOTH CHUCKLE HAPPILY
Five stars, here we come,
REPORTER ON TV: Scientists have learnt a vast amount,,,
Oh! This again, is it?
I\'m telling you, it\'s Hat!
The 3D modelling may have revealed a picture
of what our mountain man would have looked like,
but what else can we learn about him?
How might he have sounded, for example?
He would have been very resonant
in the chest, and using this model
gives us a very good idea of the vowel sounds
the vocal anatomy could have produced,
GRUNTING
ROBIN GRUNTS
Oh, that\'s very good!
He did have stupid voice,
Incredible to hear him almost speaking to us across the millennia,
And is there any significance to the tool that was found with the body?
The edge-it! That\'s what I gave him! I told you!
MAN ON TV: There\'s some debate around this,
Perhaps it was something ceremonial,
Or perhaps it was a practical tool for opening hard shells,
Yeah! It was a tool for taking furs off of idiots,
We do know this was a ritualistic society, as is evidenced
by the tattoo on his back,
Yes! In your face!
Well, I never! My goodness!
Well, clearly we owe you an apology, Robin,
Well,,,
,,,I guess so,
REPORTER: But one thing the experts agree on
is that the cause of death was likely hypothermia,
If this man had been wearing the kind of furs
you would expect of this time, he would have been well protected,
Those, of course, would have been preserved with him,
so we can only speculate as to why he was out here without his furs,
Poor man,
It would have been a,,, ,,,cold, lonely death,
You know, actually, I don\'t think it is this guy,
That\'s not Hat, No,
Yeah, he had a very different tattoo, now I think about it,
It was more like a little cross than an X,
I don\'t know who this guy is,
I think we should watch The Wire,
I want to watch The Wire, Anyone?
Hmm,,,
PHONE CHIMES
Hmm! A review,
"Lovely house, Pleasant stay, Wi-Fi was patchy, Three stars,"
Ohhh, for fu,,,
♪ Fa fafa Fafum fafum fafum,,, ♪
Morning! Hey,,,
What are you doing here?
I wanted to hear some more about
Lord Brigadier Sir Anthony Bartholomew Raisinby Jones,
Really?
Oh! Excellent,
Well, erm, fascinating chap, really,
Yeah, I met him at headquarters,
He went on to Africa, I think,,,
He really got in amongst it, Really?