♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪
♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪
♪♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪♪
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there\'s a family guy ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there\'s a man who positively can do ♪♪
♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪
♪♪ He\'s,,, a,,, fam,,, ily,,, guy! ♪♪
Hi, Chris,
( breathing heavily )
H-Hi, Barbara,
I\'m having a birthday party next week,
I was hoping you could come,
Oh, no!
Someone peed in my pants!
( giggling )
You\'re funny,
Well, I hope you can make it,
Your friend\'s birthday party
sounds like fun, Chris,
Yeah, but I hope for your sake
the cake\'s better than the last party I went to,
( screaming )
Oh, God!
Coconut,
I want to get Barbara a really nice gift,
What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg?
Oh,,, well, my boyfriend, Prince William
got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara
and this wonderful scepter,
( tearful laughter )
( sobbing )
She needs to get laid, big time,
Listen, Chris, I read a book
saying that women are from Venus,
All right, so here\'s what you get her:
thick layers of sulfuric acid, viscous surface rock and coronae
which seem to be collapsed domes over large magma chambers,
Here\'s five dollars,
Well, that\'s okay, Dad,
I was thinking about getting a paper route
so I could pay for Barbara\'s gift myself,
Oh, well, I think that\'s very sweet, honey,
Oh, boy, I remember my first job,
I was in a folk music trio,
Hey, how about "Here\'s To You, Mrs, Fleckenstein?"
Yeah, You\'ve been pitching that for an hour
but it\'s just not a very attractive name,
Oh, oh, fine, fine!
And I-I suppose we\'re also not going
with "parsley, sage, rosemary
and Lowry\'s Seasoning Salt"?
( scoffs )
That\'s it, I\'m going to \'Nam,
Well, hey, there, young fella,
Bringing me good news today?
What?
Come on over here, son,
Hand me the paper so I don\'t need to use my grabber,
Mm, That\'s a nice muscley throwing arm you got there,
Uh, thanks,
Got a nice tip for you right here in my pocket
but my arthritis,,,
Why don\'t you reach in there and fish it out for yourself?
Oh, that\'s okay, mister,
I don\'t collect till the end of the month,
I\'ll see you tomorrow,
( quietly ): Weird,
I hope you like it,
Wow! Perfume!
That is so sweet,
It\'ll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor,
I guess that means
you\'ll smell like bourbon and Vicodin,
That\'s very thoughtful,
Can I spray some on you?
Ow! My eyes!
They\'re beautiful,
Oh, just get away from me, Chris!
( sobbing ): I\'m so awkward!
Hey, Muscley Arm,
Why the long face?
Oh, it\'s this girl,
I can\'t talk to her,
It\'s like girls are a different species or something,
Aw, who needs them?
You like Popsicles?
Well, sure,
Then, you need to come on down
to the cellar,
I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles,
Mmm,,,
No, thanks, I got to get going,
Oh, don\'t make me beg now,
( laughs )
You\'re funny, Bye,
Get your fat ass back here,
This is a holdup! Open the register!
I can\'t, It only opens when you make a sale,
All right, then give me one of them horoscope scrolls,
And some Skittles,
Financial transaction benefits you today, Ooh!
Weird,
All right, a bike!
I\'m out of here,
Now, son, your parents are on their way
but since time is a factor here
we\'d like to get a positive I,D,
as quickly as possible,
Are you sure he can\'t see me?
Absolutely, Chris,
You\'re 100% safe,
Okay, That\'s him, Number Six,
Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys,
Yeah, I\'m here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin,
Uh, he\'s here to finger the guy
who held up that convenience store,
M-Maybe you\'ve seen him,
His name is Chris Griffin,
No, wait a second,
I think I got a picture of him somewhere,
Here-Here you go,
Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that,
I got a ton of them at home,
In-In fact, I was going to throw that one out anyway
\'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule
and a list of his fears all over the back of it,
Oh, we\'re so proud of you, Chris
for helping to put that horrible man in jail,
Geez, you-you couldn\'t have said it was Celine Dion, huh?
O-Our one chance to put that showboating, Canadian wench
behind bars, and you blow it,
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to:
By-By the third season
I was completely wasted all the time,
I-I\'d lost all control of my bodily functions,
They had to cut the crap out of my fur before each taping,
But, uh, would I do it all again?
We interrupt this program for a breaking news story,
We now go live to the Rhode Island State Penitentiary
where Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is standing by,
Tricia?
Tom, I\'m outside this maximum-security facility
where a ruthless thug has engineered a daring escape,
Sir, do you have any plans
now that you\'re out of jail?
Yeah, I\'m going to go bang my girlfriend
and then I\'m going to kill Chris Griffin!
Good Lord!
Can they really say "bang my girlfriend"
on TV?
You want to remove us from the area?
Yes, ma\'am, This criminal
will stop at nothing to find your son,
So, we\'re placing your family
in the witness protection program,
Oh, is Europe an option?
I say, I\'ve always wanted
to spend a year in Prague teaching English,
You know, slacking off a bit
but really getting to know myself,
Well, until we catch this guy
you\'ll be relocated to the Deep South,
( all groaning )
The Deep South?
Isn\'t that the place where the black guys are really lazy
and all the white guys are just as lazy
but they\'re mad at the black guys for being so lazy?
Jenkins and I have been assigned to live here
and watch your house while you\'re gone
even though he\'s a slovenly liberal
and I\'m a fastidious conservative,
( singsong : I smell a sitcom,
I suggest you start packing immediately,
I can\'t believe I have to change schools because of you,
This is all your fault, Lardo,
Me? I had nothing to do with it,
No, I meant Chris,
Oh,
Yeah, Lardo,
Look, everybody, here we are,
The town of Bumblescum,
This is our house?
Oh, come on, Meg,
I bet if we fixed it up a little bit
it could be a piece of crap,
Ugh, what\'s that smell?
It\'s either bad meat or good cheese,
There\'s a penny underneath that couch,
( screams )
Somebody\'s in the closet!
You know you\'re a redneck
when your gun rack has a gun rack on it,
You suck!
Oh, my,
Well, it\'s too hot to cook anyway,
Peter, what\'s the upstairs like?
There\'s a crunchberry underneath the fridge,
Mom, Chris found a jar in the basement
and it has a hand in it,
I\'m going to plant it and see if a human grows,
Well, at least the TV gets decent reception,
Huh, Must be some kind of nature show,
( screaming ): Help, help!
Get it off! Get it off!
MEG: Great,
We\'re here five minutes
and Dad gets mauled by a rodent,
This place is horrible,
Okay, now, everybody calm down,
We don\'t know anything about this community,
I bet if we explore the town
we\'ll each find something about it we like,
You know, that\'s a great idea, Lois,
I just got to hit the can,
I think there\'s just an outhouse, Peter,
Hey, uh, Lois, I don\'t get how this works,
It\'s just a hole,
I don\'t think it goes anywhere,
No, it definitely doesn\'t go anywhere,
Ugh! Oh, God!
Oh, it\'s everywhere!
Aah, it\'s in my raccoon wounds!
Oh, God!
Excuse me, do you have an ATM?
Over there, ma\'am,
How much you want to take out?
$40,
There\'s a service charge of a buck fifty,
You\'ll accept?
Yes,
Mmm,,, you smell like the inside
of my mama\'s purse,
( laughs weakly )
Thank you,
What are those dulcet tones?
Why, this is the music of the angels,
What is that magical device?
Banjo,
Pluck that string,
( note plays )
Oh, I feel so deliciously white trash!
Mommy, I want a mullet!
All right, that about does it,
Isn\'t she beautiful, Brian?
The Duke boys would be proud, Peter,
Yeah, and you got to get in
through the window like this,
Okay, now you,
Oh, sorry,
I forgot to roll yours down,
You all right?
Hello?
Wake up, sleepy head,
Hi,
Are you mad at that pond?
Shoot, no,
\'Course this pond did kill my grandpappy,
He saw his reflection in the water
thought it was him and drowned, trying to save himself,
That\'s why my mom doesn\'t let me look in the toilet,
I\'m Sam,
I\'m Chris,
Sam, come on in now,
Well, I got to go help my daddy bring in the mud harvest,
Nice making your acquaintance, Chris,
Oh, my God, I\'m drowning!
RADIO DEEJAY: And that was Merle Haggard
with "I Kissed My Sweetie With My Fist,"
Coming up next,,,
All right, there\'s one,
Let\'s jump that,
Yeeee-haaw!
Oh, that was great,
Hey, next time, let\'s get Meg to be Boss Hogg
and Chris can be Anus,
Enos, What did I say?
Anus,
( laughs )
All right, class, we have a new student joining us,
Everyone, please welcome Megan Griffin from the North,
Ooh,,, Aah,,, Ooh,,, Aah,,,
What\'s it like up there?
Y\'all got them talking pictures?
And flying machines?
And perfume for your armpits?
We sure do,
Ooh,,, Aah,,, Ooh,,, Aah,,,
All right, class,
That\'s enough questions for Megan,
Time to hand back last week\'s spelling tests,
And it looks like Oinky set the curve again,
Oh, dang it,
That is some smart pig,
Good thing I copied off of Oinky,
Ta-dah!
Possum surprise!
Actually, I made it with Shake-\'n\'-Bake,
And I helped,
Kids, where\'s your father?
PETER AND BRIAN: Yeee-haaw!
Oh, Peter, what the hell are you doing?
I\'m blending in,
Relax, Lois, It\'s not our house,
Well, I\'m glad you\'re having fun
but we need some money coming in,
Have you thought about looking for a job?
Yes, Lois, I have,
But I\'ve also thought about getting fired from that job,
Is that something you want to put our family through?
Think about that while I get myself a drink,
Ah, ah! Oh, God!
( screaming )
It\'s right up here past this clearing,
He\'s been here about three months now,
Wow!
Where do you think you go when you die?
I learnt at church that if you\'re good, you go to heaven,
But if you\'re bad, you go to a place
where the dead believe they\'re still living
and they pray for death, but death won\'t come,
UPN?
( laughing )
You\'re funny,
I like you, Chris,
I like you, too, Sam,
Want to poke him?
Do I?!
You know, it\'s true,
The best things in life really are free,
I don\'t know, Brian, Maybe Lois is right,
Maybe it is time for me to get a job,
Yeah, too bad you always blow it in the interview,
So, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
Don\'t say doing your wife, Don\'t say doing your wife,
Doing your,,,
,,,son?
Hey, Brian, look at that,
Y\'all interested?
We just take turns being the Sheriff,
It\'s real easy,
You just hang out here
eat some pie and get drunk,
Wait, hold on a second,
"Pie"? "Drunk"? "The"?
You got yourself a sheriff,
Boy, it\'s so quiet around here,
I know,
The-the phone hasn\'t rang all day,
I-I know,
There\'s nothing, nothing to, um,,,
to, uh,,,
um,,,
uh, oh, boy, what\'s the word I\'m looking for?
,,,do,
Uh, Brian, you-you\'re drunk,
You\'re drunk,
Give me your keys,
What is this, Dad?
A Southern tradition, son,
It\'s a reenactment of the Civil War,
Robert E, Lee,
I knew I\'d find you here
where they seat the sorry-ass losers,
( laughs drunkenly )
Ulysses S, Grant, you invite me to lunch
then show up an hour late, drunk?
I was busy looking for your wife to give her the old,,,
( babbles incoherently )
Sir, this means war,
I am vanquished,
I hereby declare victory in the name of the Confederacy,
( cheering )
Uh, excuse me,
Uh, I don\'t think that\'s how it happened,
I\'m pretty sure the North won,
What are you saying, fella?
I\'m saying that drunken idiot kicked your sorry asses
south of the Donna Dixon line,
We don\'t take too kindly to that sort of talk, Mister,
And I sure as shoot don\'t want
your kid hanging around with my kid,
And if you think I\'m mad now
you got to answer to them Civil War survivors,
( grumbling and growling)
Uh, uh, uh, wait!
Look over there!
It\'s a newly married interracial gay couple
burning the American flag,
Get him!
I guess we can\'t hang out anymore,
Guess not,
That sucks, \'cause I really like spending time with you,
Me, too,
( groaning )
What are you doing?
WAYLON JENNINGS: Now, them Griffin boys better grow some wings
or start flapping their arm,
Lost them!
Dad-blasted Lincoln lovers,
Anyone seen my foot?
Man, was last night weird,
I kissed a boy,
But the truth is, I really like him as a friend,
His name is Sam,
You kissed Sam last night?
How did you know?
Well, you\'re saying it out loud,
I could hear you in the other room,
The weird thing is
kissing Sam kind of felt right,
But I don\'t know if I can face him again,
Brian, what should I do?
I haven\'t been this confused since the end of No Way Out,
How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?
Oh, how do I shoot? How do I shoot?
Push "B"! "B" button!
( knocking )
Telegram for Chris Griffin,
Oh, he\'s not here,
Well, where is he?
I can\'t release that information,
Oh, uh, did I say Chris?
I meant Chris\'s sister,
Oh, Oh, well, if it\'s for Meg, that\'s a whole other story,
Here\'s her address,
What are you doing?
You were busy, so I played your guy,
Fine, I didn\'t want to play, anyway,
Well, then, it worked out for everybody,
I\'m going to draw boobs on the Etch-A-Sketch,
Go ahead, they always come out square,
Oh, hi, Chris,
Hey,
Um, listen, Sam
I like hanging out with you and all,
It\'s just that I don\'t want a romantic relationship,
But I\'d like it if we could still be friends,
I\'d like that, too,
Want to go for a swim?
Sure,
( gasps )
You\'re a girl!
Of course I am,
Oh, my God!
Warm out today,
Warm yesterday,
Even warmer today,
( playing bluegrass song )
♪♪ Met her on my CB ♪♪
♪♪ Said her name was Mimi ♪♪
♪♪ Sounded like an angel come to earth ♪♪
♪♪ Come to earth ♪♪
♪♪ When I went to meet her ♪♪
♪♪ Man, you should have seen her ♪♪
♪♪ Twice as tall as me, three times the girth ♪♪
♪♪ Girth ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, my fat baby loves to eat ♪♪
♪♪ Loves to eat ♪♪
♪♪ A big old Buddha belly♪
♪♪ And her breasts swing past her feet ♪♪
♪♪ Feet ♪♪
♪♪ My fat baby loves to eat ♪♪ ♪♪ Mmm ♪♪
♪♪ My big old fat-ass baby loves to eat, ♪♪
I got blisters on me fingers!
A drop more of the \'shine, my dear?
Yes, please,
You know, the kids are going to be
at that town social for a while,
I think I know where you\'re going,
( laughter )
( yelling )
Oh, God!
( phone rings )
Hello?
Hello, Mrs, Griffin?
Yeah, Shh! Shut up!
You guys, shut up!
Yeah, hi, this is the FBI, calling from your house,
Oh, God, oh, God!
Hi, how is everything?
Good, good, real good, real good,
Listen, uh, promise you won\'t be mad
and it\'s probably nothing,,,
Giggedy-giggedy-giggedy,
,,,but, um, you know that criminal who\'s after your son?
Yeah, he might know where you guys are,
What?
Peter, that criminal
is on his way here to kill Chris!
We got to call the Sheriff,
Holy crap, I\'m on it, Lois,
( phone rings )
Sheriff\'s office,
Yes, hello, this is Peter Griffin,
I\'d like to report a dangerous criminal
who may be coming into town,
I\'m sorry, could you repeat your name?
Yes, it\'s Peter Griffin,
G-r-i-f-f-i-n,
Wait a minute, you\'re the Sheriff?
Hang on one sec, honey, I\'m on the phone,
Who\'s that? My wife,
Peter, Chris is in danger,
Do something,
Round up a posse,
Yeah, well, see, I kind of pissed off the whole town
at that Civil War reenactment,
Oh, what are we going to do?
I don\'t know, Lois
but I feel lower than a bowlegged caterpillar,
( chuckling )
Now here\'s Roy,
( music plays )
Sure is a ding-dang of a hoedown,
Nuh-uh, this here is a hootenanny,
-Hoedown! -Hootenanny!
( grunting )
Thank you, thank you very much, thank you,
Oh, and to the owner of a John Deere tractor
you\'re parked on top of a pig,
John Deere tractor on top of a pig,
Sam, can I talk to you?
Sure, but why aren\'t you looking at me?
Well, that\'s the thing, um,
I\'m no good at talking to girls,
That\'s why I ran away from you,
Well, you didn\'t have trouble talking to me
when you thought I was a boy,
Yeah, that\'s true,
Just pretend I\'m a boy,
Okay,
You want to go down
to the Old Town Bridge and make out?
Yes, sir!
And in the city
glasses are considered really sexy,
( oohs and aahs )
Dang, I hope her brother
don\'t already have dibs on her,
Meg, where\'s Chris?
That criminal\'s here, and he\'s after him,
He\'s down by the Old Town Bridge,
You know, my brother is the one he\'s here to kill,
( Southern accent : My daughter
would absolutely love you,
You\'re so cute,
You\'re like a skinny Garth Brooks,
Aha! I got you now, Griffin,
( squeals )
Not so fast, buddy,
Who are you?
Oh, you can call me Officer T,J, Hooker,
Sheriff Officer T,J, Hooker,
And this is my deputy, McMillan and Wife,
Well, I hated T,J, Hooker
and I never actually saw McMillan and Wife
although I was aware of it,
Anyway, you\'re dead!
Ha, you\'re mine now, fella!
( yelling )
Ahh! Dad!
Help! Help! Dad!
( gunshots )
You folks all right?
Wow, you guys saved our lives,
And after I said that all Southern people have bad teeth
and suffer from the gum disease known as gingivitis,
Well, we take care of our own
and as long as y\'all live here
y\'all are Southerners, too,
Wow, thanks,
It\'s our pleasure,
Sam, I\'ll see you at home,
You know, I think the lesson here is
it really doesn\'t matter where you\'re from
as long as we\'re all the same religion,
It was great having you in class, Meg,
Thanks,
I\'m really going to miss everybody,
We didn\'t have no money for a present
so we all just spit in a jar,
I can\'t believe you\'re leaving,
Me either,
I\'ll be sure to write,
And I\'ll be sure to learn to read,
The next time I see a dead guy
I\'m going to poke him
twice as hard for both of us,
Oh, it\'s so nice to be home,
You have 113 new messages,
Oh, my,
HERBERT: Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh,,,
hmm,,, where the newspaper boy was,
( beep )
Haven\'t seen a newspaper in a couple days,
Wondering if you\'re ever going to come back,
( beep )
Guess who?
Sorry to leave you so many messages,
Just lonely here,
Thinking about the muscley-arm paperboy,
Wishing he\'d come by and bring me some good news,
( beep )
Where are you?
( beep )
You\'re starting to piss me off, you little piggly sumbitch,
Call me,