[ALL GROANS]
Monica, that was the best Thanksgiving dinner ever,
It was so good, I think you killed us,
I couldn't possibly eat another bite,
I need something sweet,
Does anyone wanna watch TV?
GROUP: Yeah, Sure,
Monica, your remote doesn't work,
Phoebe, you have to lift it and point,
Oh,
Oh, forget it,
Hey, you know what we should all do?
We should play that game where everyone says one thing they're thankful for,
Oh, I… I am thankful for this beautiful fall we've been having,
-Very nice, -Sweet, Joe,
Yeah, the other day, I was at the bus stop,
and this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere,
and blew this chick's skirt right up,
Oh, which reminds me, I'm also thankful for thongs,
It's not so much an underpant as it is a feat of engineering,
It's amazing how much they can do with so little material,
And the way they play with your mind, I mean, is it there? Is it not there?
Are you aware that you're still talking?
Is anyone thankful for anything else besides a thong?
Huh, I don't know what to pick,
Am I more thankful for my divorce, or my eviction? Hmm,
Wow, see, and I didn't think you'd be able to come up with anything,
I'm sorry, It's just this is the worst Thanksgiving ever,
No, no, no, I am the king of bad Thanksgivings,
You can't just swoop in here with your bad marriage,
and take that away from me,
You're not gonna tell the whole story
about how your parents got divorced, are you?
GROUP: No, no,
Come on, I want to hear it,
It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without Chandler bumming us out,
It's a tradition, like the parade,
If the parade decided it was gay, moved out and abandoned its entire family,
Now, Chandler, dear,
Just because your father and I are getting a divorce
doesn't mean we don't love you,
It just means
he would rather sleep with the houseboy than with me,
More turkey, Mr, Chandler?
You're right, yours is worse, You are the king of bad Thanksgivings,
I don't know about that, I've got one that's worse,
Really? Worse than:
[IN SPANISH ACCENT] "More turkey, Mr, Chandler?"
Did the little rich boy had a problem with the butler?
Yes, mine's worse,
[GUNFIRE AND BOMBS EXPLODING]
More bandages! More bandages!
Please, can I get some more bandages in here?
This man is… Aah!
Oh, no,
In this life, Phoebe,
Oh, this life,
Oh, okay, No, Chandler's is worse,
Man, it must be so cool remembering stuff like that,
I don't have any past life memories,
Of course, you don't, sweetie, You're brand-new,
I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving,
-Oh, let's not tell this story, -Oh, come on,
Oh, no! I know! I know!
It's the one where Joey got Monica's turkey stuck on his head,
-What? -What?
Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?
Hey, it's not like it sounds,
It's exactly like it sounds,
JOEY: Hello?
Hello?
JOEY: Phoebe? -Joey?
What's going on?
[PHOEBE GASPS]
Oh, my God,
JOEY: I know,
It's stuck,
PHOEBE: Step, How did it get on?
I put it on to scare Chandler,
Oh, my God, Monica's going to totally freak out,
JOEY: Well, then help me get it off,
Plus, it smells really bad in here,
Of course it smells really bad, You have your head up a dead animal,
[KEYS JINGLE]
-Hey, -Hey,
Hey, did you get the turkey… Oh, my God!
Who is that?
JOEY: It's Joey,
What are you doing? Is this supposed to be funny?
No, it's not supposed to be funny, It's supposed to be scary,
Get that off now,
JOEY: I can't, It's stuck,
Well, I don't care, That turkey has to feed 20 people,
They're not going to eat it off your head,
Hold on, okay? Let's just all think,
Okay, I got it, Phoebe?
All right, You pull,
I'm gonna spread the legs as wide as I can,
[JOEY LAUGHING]
-Joey, now is not the time, -JOEY: Yeah, Sorry, Right, sorry,
Okay, count to three, One, two three,
[CHANDLER YELLS]
JOEY: It worked, I scared you, I knew it, Ha, ha!
-I'm over here, big guy, -JOEY: Yeah, you are, Ha, ha!
I scared you, Whoo!
[CHUCKLES]
You did look like an idiot,
Hey, I wasn't the only one who looked like an idiot, all right?
Remember when Ross tried to say "butternut squash,"
and it came out, "squatternut bosh"?
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, that's the same,
That's it, That's my worst Thanksgiving,
Oh, wait, That can't be the one that Rachel was talking about
because she didn't even know that that happened,
-So, what's yours? -CHANDLER: What was it?
Um, I really don't wanna tell this story,
Oh, come on, Monica,
Reliving past pain and getting depressed is what Thanksgiving's all about,
You know, for me, anyway, And, of course, the Indians,
Look, of all people, you do not want me to tell this story,
What is that supposed to mean?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Monica, I think Rachel's here,
MONICA: I'll get it,
-Happy Thanksgiving, -Not for me,
Chip and I broke up,
Oh, Why?
Well, what happened?
You know how my parents are out of town, and Chip was gonna come over?
Yeah, yeah, And you were gonna give him, you know
your "flower,"
Okay, Monica, can you just call it sex?
It really creeps me out when you call it that,
Okay, and by the way
while we're at it, a guy's thing is not called his "tenderness,"
Believe me,
-Hi, -BOTH: Hi, Rachel,
RACHEL: Happy Thanksgiving, JUDY: You too, sweetheart,
Hey,
JACK: Oh, Hi,
Uh, everyone…this is Chandler,
My roommate and lead singer of our band, [CHUCKLES]
Ross?
Oh, This is Monica,
Hi, I'm Ross' little sister,
Okay,
I'm so glad you could come, Chandler,
We've got plenty of food, so I hope you're hungry,
Oh, Mom, no, no, Chandler hates Thanksgiving,
and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food,
Oh, Well, I'm so glad you brought him here, then,
Hey, Chandler, um…
If you want, I can make you some macaroni and cheese for dinner,
As long as the Pilgrims didn't eat it, then I'm in,
[LAUGHS THEN CHOKES]
Damn it,
So, uh, Rach…
Does it… Does it feel weird around here now?
You know, since I've been away at college?
Oh,
No, not really,
That's cool,
So…
Ugh! I cannot believe Chip dumped me for that slut, Nancy Branson,
I am never going out with him again,
I don't care how much he begs,
I think his begging days are over, now that he's with Nancy Branson,
You know what? I've just had it with high-school boys,
They're just silly,
They're just silly, stupid boys,
I'm gonna start dating men,
Uh, I'm sorry, Judy,
I couldn't find that bowl you and Jack were looking for,
Call them Mom and Dad, you loser,
Monica,
Hey, Chandler?
Did you like the macaroni and cheese?
Oh, yeah, It was great, You should be a chef,
Okay,
Guess what,
All this stuff about Nancy Branson being a slut was all a rumor,
Chip dumped her, and he wants to come over to my house tonight,
-Oh, that is so great, -RACHEL: I know,
Oh, gosh, Listen, if you and Chip do it tonight
um, promise me you'll tell me everything?
Oh, totally, totally, It's not that big a deal,
We already kind of did it once, you know,
I know, but this time you're gonna definitely know whether or not you did it,
I know,
Oh, and Chip promised that this time it would last at least for an entire song,
So I'm thinking of asking Rachel out tonight,
You know, maybe playing her that song we wrote last week,
-"Emotional Knapsack"? Right on, -Right on,
Oh, uh, but don't take long, okay?
Because we're testing our fake ID's tonight,
Right, Clifford Alvarez?
Listen, Roland Cheng
if things go well, I may be out with her all night,
Dude, don't do that to me,
Oh, no, It's cool, you can stay here, My parents won't mind,
It's not that, I don't wanna be stuck here all night with your fat sister,
Hey,
Monica, why don't you finish off these pies?
I don't have any more room in the fridge,
No,
No, thank you,
Well, Judy, you did it,
She's finally full,
I called you fat?
-I don't even remember that, -Well, I do,
I'm so sorry, I really am, But, come on, I was an idiot back then,
I rushed the stage at a Wham! concert, for crying out loud,
Oh, I can't believe you called her fat,
I can't believe you let George Michael slap you,
I am really sorry,
That is so terrible, I'm so, so sorry,
Actually, that's not the Thanksgiving I was talking about,
-Yes, it was, -No, it wasn't, It was actually…
Thanksgiving's over, Get ready for Christmas,
Who wants to get a Christmas tree?
Oh, no, I have the cutest Christmas story,
We wanna hear Monica's Thanksgiving story,
Fine, all right, Mine had a dwarf that got broke in half,
But, you know, whatever,
So, Rachel, your mom tells me you changed your major again?
Oh, yeah, I had to,
There was never any parking by the Psychology building,
-Hi, Rachel, -Oh, hi,
-Wow, Love your new nose, -Jack,
What? Dr, Wolf son's an artist,
He removed my mole cluster,
Want to see?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
No, God, Please, let me,
-Hey, -Hey,
-Happy Thanksgiving, -Hi,
God, your hair sure is different,
Yeah, we were just talking about that,
Can't we can't believe how stupid we used to look,
So, uh, where's Monica?
She's upstairs, Monica,
Come down, everyone's here,
Ross, Rachel and the boy who hates Thanksgiving,
Hi, Chandler,
Oh, my God,
What's the matter?
Is there something on my dress?
You just… You look so different, Terrific,
That dress, that body… -Dude, -Sorry,
Yes, yes, Monica is thin, It's wonderful,
But what we really want to hear about is Ross' new girlfriend,
Oh, Mom… Okay,
Um, [CLEARS THROAT] her name is Carol,
and she's really pretty and smart,
And, uh, she's on the lacrosse team and the golf team,
Can you believe it?
She plays for both teams,
So, Chandler, I guess I'll see you at dinner,
-Dude, -Sorry,
Oh, my God,
That was so awesome,
You totally got him back for calling you fat,
He was just drooling all over you,
-That must have felt so great, -Well, it didn't,
What?
Yeah, I mean, I look great,
And yeah, I feel great, and, yeah, my heart's not in trouble anymore,
Blah, blah, blah,
I just don't feel like I got him back, you know?
I mean, I just want to humiliate him,
I want him to be, like, naked,
and I want to point at him and I wanna laugh,
Okay, That, we may be able to do,
How?
Well, guys tend to get naked before they're gonna have sex,
What? I mean, I didn't work this hard and lose all this weight
just so I could give my flower to someone like him,
Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it that, no one is ever gonna take it,
And then second of all, you're not gonna actually have sex with him,
You're just gonna make him think that you are,
-Yeah, -Yeah,
And then when he's naked
I can throw him out, lock the door,
and all our neighbors will just humiliate him,
And then you will definitely get him back,
Okay, so how do I make him think I want to have sex?
Uh, Oh! Here's what you do,
Just act like everything around you turns you on,
-What do you mean? -Well, like, anything can be sexy,
Like, um… Oh, okay, Like this dish towel,
Ooh, ooh,
This feels so good against my cheek,
And if I get a little hot, I can just dab myself with it,
Or I can bring it down to my side and maybe run it through my fingers
while I talk to him,
-I can do that, -Okay, good, good, good,
Get busy, He's coming, He's coming,
-Hey, what's up? -Hey,
I was wondering if you could make me some mac and cheese
like last year?
I'd love to,
Ooh,
I love macaroni and cheese,
I love the way this box feels against my cheek,
-Okay, -Ooh, and I love carrots,
Oh!
Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers,
Like this,
And hold them down here while I talk to you,
Um, and, you know, if I get really hot
um, I like to pick up this knife,
And, um, I put the cool steel against, um
my body,
Are you all right?
I'm fine,
-What do got? -Twenty-year-old male,
He's got a severed toe on his right foot,
Ow!
Could you please not do that feet first?
You know where his injury is, Severed toe, you just said it!
It says here the knife went right through your shoe,
Of course it did, They're made of wicker,
-Did you bring the toe? -Oh, yes,
I have it right here on ice,
Don't worry, son, We'll just reattach it and then…
-What is it? -You brought a carrot,
-What? -This isn't your toe,
This is a small, very cold piece of carrot,
You brought a carrot?
Oh, my God,
There's a toe in my kitchen,
God, I'm sorry, I'll go back and get it,
It's too late, All we can do is sew up the wound,
-Without my toe? I need my toe, -MONICA: Okay,
No, no, no, I can go really fast, Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche,
Oh, I'm not falling for that one,
That's why I lost my toe? Because I called you fat?
I didn't mean to cut it off, It was an accident,
That's why for an entire year people called me Sir Limps-a-lot?
I'm sorry,
It wasn't your whole toe,
Yeah, well, I miss the tip,
It's the best part,
It has the nail,
MONICA: Chandler…
Sir Limps-a-lot,
I came up with that,
You're a dork,
-I can't believe this, -Chandler, I said I was sorry,
Yeah, well, "sorry" doesn't bring back the
little piggy that cried all the way home,
I hate this stupid day and everything about it,
-I'll see you later, -Wait, Chandler,
Come here,
Is there anything I can do? Anything?
Yeah, just leave me alone for a little while,
[QUACKING]
Oh, I'm a duck, I go quack-quack, I'm happy all the time,
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Nice try,
MONICA: Wait, wait, wait,
-Look, Monica… -Look,
This is not gonna work,
I bet this will work,
[CHUCKLES]
You're so great, I love you,
What?
Nothing, I said you're so great, and then I just stopped talking,
MONICA: You said you loved me, I can't believe this,
No, I didn't,
-Yes, you did, -No, I didn't,
MONICA: You love me,
No, I don't, Stop it, stop it, stop it,
[YELLS]
[GUNFIRE AND BOMBS EXPLODING]
[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Gauze!
Gauze! I need to get some gauze in here!
Can I please get some more gauze?
This is getting ridiculous,