I mean, honestly, why should you even care about me?
You've suffered through enough
of these stories, haven't you?
Privileged, upper middle class man-child
goes on emotional journey of self-discovery,
God, I'm sick of this shit myself,
It's like, dude, you don't have any real problems,
so you made some up,
I guess if there's one saving grace,
one reason you should hear me out,
it's that there's been no self-discovery,
It's just been me taking a Molotov cocktail
and burning down what could've been a pretty good life,
and that's always fun to watch, right?
I know you wanna hear how I fucked it all up
as long as it's not happening to you,
Now, you're probably wondering
how the money-maker went out of business,
so why don't we get that out of the way,
So we gather these coconuts
and we fasten them to the long bamboo poles, right,
and we created this makeshift pontoon boat,
and with that we were able to kinda navigate our way
through the cove and the channel,
and there's these amazing sea turtles
that came up to the boat,
but we had to get back to the island,
'cause you know, some guys were hurt,
Two double Jack and Coke's,
Oh, I'm fine with my vodka,
Take the drink,
I'm being nice,
Okay, thanks,
Today, buddy,
Oh, did you mistake me for the bartender?
And here, I mistook you for the guy warming my seat,
You're the guy she's been talking about,
The one she's never met anyone like,
I hear that and I think, that sounds like a challenge,
Yes, I am the Bowser, the Big Boss,
the Lancelot atop his shining horse
that you must joust for her hand in marriage,
You're right, this dude's weird as hell,
I like it,
Aha, she likes it,
Looks like you've lost this round
my honorable sparring partner,
Time to give up the throne,
Are you serious?
You're gonna go home with this clown?
Okay, you're no fun anymore, dude,
I want my seat back and my date back,
Don't think so homes,
She told me you two just met,
That means this piece is fair game,
This piece, the fuck you just call me?
Oh, lovely Sierra, it's not this gentleman's fault
his mommy never taught him how to talk
to such a fine piece of ass such as yourself,
You think you're clever, huh?
You think you got this sorted out, don't you bruh?
Yeah bruh, kinda looks like I do,
I think you need to get the fuck out of my face,
I think you need to take a time out at another table
and think about the hurtful things you've said here today,
We should find him a friend though,
or he's gonna look a little silly sitting all alone
all red in the face like that with his eyes quivering,
- How do you do that? - I am serious, bro,
Oh, yeah, I can tell and that's your issue,
You need to lighten you load, man,
All these unresolved anger issues and excess testosterone
are driving you nuts, no pun intended,
I mean they say the male menstrual cycle doesn't exist,
but walk a mile in another man's jockstrap and then speak,
You know what I'm saying?
You need to find a place to put all this passion,
blow off some steam,
Personally, I recommend getting laid,
but not looking great for you, is it?
I have a number for a great therapist you could call,
Oh, man, I really didn't see that coming,
That whole thing you were doing,
I thought you were constipated,
Is he fucking serious?
Is he high?
Hey, do you mind if we exchange insurance info though,
My face is kind of how I make my living,
and I think you might've set me back a bit here,
Should teach you to keep your mouth shut, you dumb fuck,
Later, bro,
Oh, hey, my place or yours?
Rain check?
Bye, Felicia,
Yeah, it seemed funny at the time,
but now I'm actually screwed for work,
I mean, I could try and book roles as an MMA fighter,
or a professional whack-a-mole player
who only plays with his face,
or someone who thought giraffes looked cuddly,
but didn't account for their enormous kicking power,
but these are all very niche roles,
and the making a living thing
is just the tip of the iceberg,
So, before you get inside my head,
lets take it back to the start of the week,
and talk about how we got here,
Noted, so the primal scream works,
but the cold water in your face isn't a personal favorite,
What are you gonna do next,
put a horse mask covered in fake blood under the sheets?
Fake blood?
Oh my God, it's day four of this shit,
I think we're past the theatrics,
Can't you just whisper sweet nothings
into my ear or something?
Baby, I wanna give you a special gift this morning
for being such a good boy and doing
a proper morning routine with me,
Are you ready for it?
It's the gift of Jazzercise,
Come on, buddy,
Come on, keep up,
But like I said, she doesn't understand
because she just sits in an office all day,
so she thinks I have it made going to New York,
or London, but what she doesn't get is
that I'm in the hotel working on my presentation,
or I'm in the boardroom, and I only get like 72 hours
max to explore the city and just have some me time,
so it's just, it's not what people think it is, you know?
Yeah, yeah,
That's why I'm so happy the culture is changing,
you know, it used to be all yoga, spinning classes,
but now it's so common to see these
pure meditation classes just creeping into the curriculum,
Like, it's the perfect way to just get some silence,
- clear your mind,,, - Yeah, yeah,
And it's a dream in the morning 'cause the only thing
you can hear are the sound of the sparrows,
Or are those Blue Jays?
Don't open your eyes though mister,
that'll defeat the whole point,
I didn't open my eyes or my mouth,
Then who said that, hm?
Not me, must have been a Blue Jay,
Okay really, stop talking now,
you're messing with my focus,
Have a nice day at work,
You too, big guy!
First day, so exciting!
Don't think I'm going easy on you
just 'cause your mom got you this job,
It's true this business is filled with nepotism,
but even the best of them got to where they got
from tongue-tickling the golden frenulum,
if you know what I mean?
It's hard to not know what you mean,
Don't interrupt me, all right kid?
I'll lose my train of thought,
What I'm saying is, feel lucky I'm willing to take you on
and actually compensate you,
There's plenty of schmucks out there trying to learn
the business that would do this for free,
My mom said you weren't paying me,
I am paying you in the invisible currency;
exposure, access to my contacts,
I spend a decade building my entire network
and you just get to hop on the gravy train?
You're welcome,
- Thanks, - Yeah, no problem,
Look, you scratch my back, I'll scratch wherever you'd like,
I'm a generous guy,
Did you bring the stuff?
Stuff?
The stuff, the fuckin' stuff I told you
to bring on your first day!
Yeah, sorry, for a second I thought
we were doing a drug deal, you know?
You asking if I brought the stuff, the alley,,,
Why are you still talking?
Why?
Show me what you got,
Yeah, um, I got the Moleskine, a pack of HB pencils,
a roll of quarters,
- and a lighter, - Nice,
And a copy of Hemingway's "A Moveable Feast,"
All right, good start my little scavenger,
Light me up,
Let's go,
Good start,
I promised myself, the moment I get my own assistant,
I ain't lighting my own cigarettes,
That's peasant shit,
You're probably wondering about the other stuff,
It's a little cryptic,
Jacob, I'm the last of a dying breed, all right?
I'm not a publicist who sits in his office
and diddles his phone all day,
I'm out in the streets,
Smelling the constant
turnover of youth like a bloodhound,
But I am not a six-headed Hydra,
I need someone taking notes,
That's what your pencil and Moleskine are for,
Oh, I mean, I have an iPhone,
It has a notepad,
You know at the four star sushi restaurants in Japan,
when a sushi chef is in training,
he only gets to make egg sushi for the first three years
before he touches any fish,
So Jacob-san, you are now in training,
and your little iPhone is the fishy, no touchy,
Which brings me to the roll of quarters in your pocket,
Oh, that, no, I'm just happy to see you,
No, but you will be,
So any time you need to make a phone call,
you find a phone booth and you use your quarters,
Yes, sir,
Ah, don't call me sir, all right, buddy?
We're friends now, all right?
We're teammates,
Get off me, Jesus, you actors are all such queers,
I actually have a girlfriend,
Yeah, I have a beard, you are a beard,
Okay, uh, speaking of which,
you never explained the Hemingway,
Oh, give me that, yeah,
I couldn't find it at the bookstore,
so I was just hoping you would,
Good job, grasshopper,
All right,
By the way, is there like a set schedule for this job
or do we just go until whenever?
'Cause I have a commercial shoot in a few hours,
You're a PA too?
You're trying to make a career out of being an assistant?
No, actually, I'm the talent,
Yeah, and I'm Paris Hilton,
- What is,,, - No, you never watched it?
- What is? - Her and like whatever,
They used to do that "My Simple Life,"
- Paris Hilton, - No?
Ah, forget it you're you,
Hi Jacob, welcome,
Like we talked about, this is for the new cafe section,
Today we're just focusing on store brand cookies,
You think you can handle that?
Yeah, I think so,
Good, okay, we're gonna start with a wide,
so just keep it nice and natural,
We'll be shooting MOS, so I'm gonna be talking
to you while we're rolling, all right?
- Sounds good, - Camera rolling?
Rolling,
So Jacob, just go ahead and walk out of frame,
Come back in, open the cupboard,
and take a bite out of the cookie, nice and natural,
Go ahead,
Uh, hang on,
What was that?
What?
The look that you made on your face right now,
What, what was that?
You said to act natural,
so I was just doing what felt natural,
What?
Well, if I came home and there was nothing in my cupboard
except for a single plate with a cookie on it,
I'd be confused but also pleasantly surprised, so I,,,
Yeah, no, no, no, no,
What I mean to say is, he's extremely relaxed,
He's just a guy after a long day eating a cookie,
He's not over thinking it,
Yeah, there's no emotional journey that he goes on
because of this cookie,
He just eats it,
Exactly,
- Okay, - Let's try it again,
- Camera rolling, - Yeah, rolling,
Action,
Cut!
Delete that last take,
Delete both of those takes, actually,
Jacob, if I were to use that last take in the commercial,
what kind of a message do you think that's gonna send?
I have no idea,
It says, "eating this cookie makes
"me wanna blow my brains out,"
Well, I wouldn't say it that harsh,
But yeah, that's kinda what we're seeing here,
Jacob, do you even like cookies?
Yes, I like cookies,
Good, because for a second I thought we hired someone
for a cookie commercial who doesn't like fucking cookies,
I'm sorry Jacob, she's just really passionate,
Why don't we try to find something in between,
Can we get a new hero cookie please?
This is just for the wide,
This is gonna be a long day,
Thanks for seeing me so much later than usual,
Oh, I've only been up 16 hours, what's
I'm right there with you,
Cassie was in Full Metal Jacket mode this morning, day four,
You actually went through with that!
Well, I for one think it's a good thing,
Join us in the land of the living, Jacob,
A little vitamin D won't kill you,
Are you kidding me?
Look at this skin, I'm a direct descendant of Count Dracula,
No, you are a direct descendant of
enough to pay for your therapy,
Oh, thanks, mom!
Yeah, I guess it's a fair trade for the unpaid
internship she got me,
Oh, right!
How was the first day?
Oh, let's see,
Fine gentleman named Anthony made me pay
for his mid-afternoon beer because he
forgot his wallet, listened to him make sexual overtures
to his female clients on speakerphone
and read him Hemingway out loud
between calls for inspiration,
Okay, let's come back to that,
How are you and Cass?
I don't even think I'm on her radar anymore,
It's like I've dissolved into nothingness,
Is that what it's like with you and your girlfriend?
No,
No, most lesbians I know are pretty drama-free,
Jacob, that's nonsense,
We're like any other couple,
We just work through our stuff
and we're there for each other,
We don't just ignore each other,
Like Cassie ignores me,
Well, yeah,
I'm sorry, but you've been coming here every week
for what, three months?
You obviously wanna make a change with her,
but I keep hearing the same thing every time,
That's what you get paid the big bucks for, to listen,
No, I get paid the entry-level bucks to listen
and then provide solutions,
Well, then let's go, Dumbledore,
bewitch me with your wisdom,
Are you calling me Dumbledore because he's gay?
Oh my God, spoiler alert,
Look, you tell me about your life,
and you actually open up,
And that's more than I get from most of my clients,
But I want you to go a step further,
I want you do something about your problems,
Yeah, and what is that?
Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it,
I'm not gonna silver spoon you, Jacob,
You get enough of that from the other women in your life,
Low blow,
All right, fine, you're right,
I'll get outta here, you get some sleep,
Really?
You're setting me free early?
Yes, but I'm booking you for a couple days from now
so we can talk about some solutions together,
Coffee's on me,
Deal,
Oh, yeah,
Oh, don't move,
Oh, yeah, be my statue, Jakey,
I've known her since we were kids,
and she has the attention span of a squirrel monkey,
which is perfect because now she'll be surrounded
by them in the jungle,
She thinks she can just fly the coop whenever she wants,
but now she's almost out of money
and she's stuck in Costa Rica,
That sounds nice actually,
With her brother,
And it's just weird because they're like
beyond attached at the hip,
It's like they're the same person,
She even says, "Aaron and I are the same soul,"
and they're just so touchy-feely,
Like, I'm not saying there's anything going on there,
but I think there's something going on there,
You would know,
What, how would I know?
I kissed my cousin once, I tell you that in confidence
and now you're making chippy little comments,
What, no,
You would know about Sylvia because you grew up with her,
Right?
Speaking of which, last night, amazing,
Like, really, really good,
But you know how you told me to tell you
if I ever wanted anything like different?
Yeah,
Well, sometimes I just find when I'm getting close
to the edge, it helps if I can just concentrate,
That makes sense,
Like, I really just need to be able to get in my zone,
Pass the arugula,
Sure Kanye, so, spit it out,
What do you need from me?
Well, if you could just like not talk,
and when I close my eyes, don't ask me to look at you, okay?
I think in order for me to really get there,
I just, I need total silence from you,
- And total darkness? - I know,
you like to keep the lights on,
I mean, I don't blame you,
but just like, for me,
Why don't we just do a role play where I put on
a Morphsuit and we can pretend I'm a human dildo?
Would you be into that?
I don't know, just spit balling,
Good evening, folks,
Let's get down to it, shall we?
That fact that you were accepted into this course,
means you already have some experience
in the industry as an actor,
But if you really want to catch
a casting director's attention, you're going to need
to tap into other parts of yourselves,
Young lady, I wonder if you would hop into the hot seat,
Kendall, when I came in I noticed that you
and your classmates were sitting in silence,
So I'm sure you had plenty of time to think,
I'm gonna turn the camera on and ask you to tell me
what you were thinking about,
That's a bit personal,
Acting is a bit personal,
Okay, um, but I can't remember,
Take a moment to think if you like,
and share only what you feel comfortable sharing,
I, I was thinking what a privilege
it was to sit next to actors who obviously
take their craft very seriously
or else they wouldn't be here,
and how great it is that we can
work together towards succeeding together,
Okay,
Very nice, Kendall,
Thank you,
Jason, you're up,
Jason, you seem like a thoughtful young man,
Perhaps you can tell me what you were thinking
just before I walked into the room,
I don't know,
Nothing much, just observing,
But I can tell you what's going through my mind now,
Oh, please,
I heard you were very experimental, but honestly,
I don't know what the hell this has to do with acting,
and what I do know is that we're a third of the way
through our hour with you and it feels like
you're just burning the clock,
Very nice, thank you, Jason,
Jacob, you're up,
Go ahead,
Well, what was I thinking?
I was thinking, well I was feeling like
I was having an existential crisis,
This knot in the pit of my stomach like,
it's so confounding to me,
If I want something to work this badly
why can't I just be relaxed?
Why do I have to have a nervous breakdown every time
I'm able to do something about the thing
that I care about most?
I was thinking, why are we all so quiet?
What is this, the first day of math class?
Why can't someone just speak up and say,
"Hey, what's your name," or "How was your day?"
Why can't I be that person?
I mean even if I'm not able to say anything right in my
regular life, you'd think I'd be able to take advantage
of the first five seconds of meeting someone new,
where they've give me the benefit of the doubt, but no,
Sorry,
No, that's quite all right,
Thank you, Jacob,
There are countless actors just like you,
who can book bit roles or commercial gigs,
But you want to carry a film on your shoulders
and be seen by audiences, not just art houses,
- Correct? - Yes, please,
If you want to be sought after with consistency,
you have to embody something greater
than your selfish aspirations,
Okay, you're getting way too metaphysical for me here,
Plus you couldn't even get a sound proof room?
There's been a crane outside all day,
Look, if you're honestly not happy with the course,
please feel free to take advantage of the refund policy,
All right, carry on,
If you want to be riveting,
you must radiate a certain aura,
You must vibrate at the frequency of truth,
Truth is like a lightning bolt,
shocking an audience out of its slumber and into a fervor,
Give them truth and they'll hang onto every word you speak,
follow every flick of your eye,
But an artist cannot convey what he does not possess,
Audiences, producers, casting directors,
they will sense it from you and want more of it,
even if they can't put their finger on why,
Speaking of why, why haven't we done any scene work yet?
I mean, that was a brilliant speech, don't get me wrong,
but how are we expected to learn
if we can't get any hands-on training,,,
The exercise we did earlier was the beginning of that,
And look, if you can't bring that kind of honesty to bear
in a class of three people,
you're never going to be able to do it on set
with 30 crew members staring at you,
I feel you,
Jake, what you showed us earlier,
is that something that comes naturally to you?
The oversharing?
No, no, um, I guess, I guess being in this environment
and around other actors brings it out of me,
It's like a safe space for me,
Hey, don't make fun of safe spaces,
I, I wasn't,
- I was being sincere, - Yeah, I'm sure,
My, sparks flying,
For next class, I want you to prepare a monologue,
any subject so long as it's about you and your life,
You're gonna have to work on developing your own
voices before you do any character work,
Okay?
Jacob,
Robert,
I'd sooner you called me Mr, Williams,
At least for the moment,
I really hope we can get to the point
where I can call you Robbie,
I'm sure you would,
Snide little bastard came after me, didn't he?
Jacob, how can I put this without, what do the kids say,
gas lighting you?
Gassing me up?
That's the phrase,
Listen, I can see you have that quality
I spoke of during class, but I've taught myself to see it,
To the untrained eye, you're just more kindling
for the headshot bonfire,
So, how do I get there?
How badly do you want it?
It's all I care about,
Then take drastic measures to deepen yourself as a person,
and it will come through clearly in your performance,
But don't wait,
The whole journey thing is just bullshit in this game,
You either radiate the X factor, or you don't,
Okay, Simon Cowell, thank you,
I knew I shouldn't have worn this gray T-shirt,
Who's your favorite Beatle?
Enough,
Or I'll make you deliver your monologue in a posh accent,
Let's explore that further,
this self preservation instinct,
Were you always like that?
No, no, as far as I can remember, I was a calm kid,
But one day when I was like 11,
my dad sat me down and said,
"Son, you're gonna be a man soon,
"and that means it'll be your job to be the rock,
"and that means never showing you're scared,
- "even when you are," - Oh boy, that'll do it,
And I wasn't scared, I was just a dumb kid,
But he looked past me and said,
"Jake, there's nothing to be afraid of, anyway,
"You need to pick your fears apart
"until they have no power over you,
"Go ahead and tell me something you're afraid of,"
And I didn't want to disappoint him so I made something up,
Right, yeah,
I said, global warming,
And he goes, "Jake, that's just something that politicians
"made up to push their agendas,
"and just because small things might happen
"like the San Andreas fault line cracking
"and California falling into the ocean,
"it doesn't matter 'cause you're safe here in Canada,"
And I told him "Dad, I wanna move to California
"to become an actor,"
And he said, "Well, Al Gore is winning in the polls
"right now and he cares very much about global warming
"so either way you'll be fine,"
Hm, how inconvenient,
Ha,
And then goes, "Jake, I'm on a roll, give me another one,"
So, I said, "Well I've heard a lot about STD's lately,
"so I think I'm gonna wait until I'm married
- "before I kiss anyone,,," - Aw,
I was 11, shut up,
And he says, "Jake, that's just a bunch
"of right-wing propaganda,
"We never used protection in my day
"and I left plenty of orgies unscathed,"
Wait, you were 11 when he said this?
Yeah, he doesn't sugarcoat,
Then he goes, "I've done my research,
"and there's nothing you can catch down there
"that you can't get rid of, except for herpes and warts,
"but there are special groups where you
"can date other people who have those,
"so either way it's nothing to lose sleep over,"
So I take it you and Cassie use protection?
Every time,
Yeah, I guess that talk was a turning point for me,
because by trying to help me not be scared,
pops passed along his own neuroses of playing out
every possible best-worst case scenario,
And you've been walking on eggshells ever since,
Sometimes I think you must hate listening to me,
It takes so long to dig through my fragile male psyche,
No, actually, I find guys are straightforward in therapy,
They just repress all day and come in here
- and gush it all out, - Really?
- Mm hm, - Huh,
Well, I'm gonna work on my straightforwardness,
and maybe one day I could be one of your guy friends,
More straightforwardness would be good,
For you, not for me,
I mean, for me too,
But mostly for you,
Yeah, you're probably right,
I'm dying out there with Anthony,
This guy actually makes me light his cigarettes
and hold an umbrella to shield him from the sun,
Oh, when you clearly need it more than him,
No, no, no, you don't understand,
Listen to this,
So, he tells me he's gonna show me what
it's like to really get access to the best clients,
So, we wait outside an audition room
and prey on girls as they come outside,
I mean, he literally said, "Jakey, Sandra is the casting
"director for this project and she's a total bitch,
"so they're all gonna be a mess by the time they come out,"
Hm, good guy,
And sure enough, one by one he picks them off
and smooth talks these poor actresses into giving
me their Facebook info so he can introduce them around
at some industry party later that night,
Oh, well, at least he's a generous creeper,
That's the thing, he told me after they'd all left
that he was just gonna ditch them as soon as he got inside,
and that he's only using them to get past the bouncer,
I'm sorry, remind me why you're working for him again?
My mom says he knows a lot of people in the industry,
and he promised to introduce me
to his contacts if I proved myself,
Mm hm, just like he's going to introduce
those girls to his contacts?
Ah, good point,
You are definitely going to have
to assert yourself more, Jacob,
That's what all the signs are pointing to,
Maybe,
Maybe it'll help me come up with a monologue
for my next Advanced Acting class,
Oh, right, how'd that go?
With that Robert Williams guy, right?
He basically just told us we were all good enough actors
already and in order to level up
we needed to emit an aura of truth,
Maybe what he's getting at is that if you can be
more honest with yourself you stop creating stress
inside yourself and would come across better on camera,
Okay, but how to do that?
I mean, everything you ask me,
I just you what I'm really thinking,
Isn't that what you mean?
Yeah, but that's here,
You need to extend that to the rest of your life,
Solutions, remember?
Solutions, yeah,
But what are you saying?
Well, if you can say what's on your mind
in the rest of your life, maybe this aura
will just come to you,
I can't just speak my mind,
Half the things I think are batshit crazy,
No, that's fine,
There is actually a school of thought that's becoming
popularized in the psychotherapy community
called the mindspeaking method, where you,
well, its what it sounds like,
you just speak your mind at all times,
That's terrifying,
Solutions, Jacob,
I don't want you to need therapy forever,
Just think of it as playing a character,
A character, I can play a character,
And except the character is you,
Wait, wait a minute,
Look, you have nothing to worry about,
you're so diplomatic,
It's like telling a quiet person to be loud,
In their mind, suddenly they're shouting,
but to you they finally sound normal,
Okay, but I'm gonna think about how to approach this
and I'll start in a week,
Jacob, come on,
My anniversary dinner with Cassie is tonight!
And I got a callback for a decent role for once,
it's in a couple of days,
Then that's the perfect opportunity to tell Cassie
all the things you tell me about her,
And congrats on the callback,
Thank you,
It's now or never, Jacob,
That's pretty much what Robert said too,
Oh, that's how you know,
Okay, fuck it,
If this is what it takes to be the actor
that I need to be, then I will do it,
One week of this mindspeak thing,
What is it again?
You just say whatever you're thinking all the time,
to whoever you're with, no matter the consequence,
Oh shit!
Come on, you're too nice,
Swing the pendulum,
I don't think you could take it too far if you tried,
Iris, if I have one strength,
it's that when I commit to something, I commit all the way,
I've never seen this side of Jacob,
Have a nice dinner with your girlfriend,
and remember, you're just playing a character,
in the movie of your life,
Oh, my God, Jacob, this is so lovely!
I only did it 'cause I'm too cheap
to pay for a restaurant,
And is this all vegan, too?
Oh gosh, Jakey, you tried so hard,
This is so cute!
You know me, Captain Tryhard,
Um, but if you don't mind, I'm just going to, sorry,
Your cooking is always so flavorless,
Have a seat,
Oh, okay,
I'm just not used to you making an effort,
I got a little flustered there,
I don't make an effort?
Well, not one that I can see,
So if you do make one, it's like, an invisible effort,
Maybe we have different definitions of effort,
What do you mean?
It's the little things,
Like, I know you don't like making a scene in public,
so I decided to have our anniversary dinner at home,
Oh, my God, Jacob,
Finally,
Scarlet said she thinks you never asked just
'cause like your parents are so screwed up and you were
too scared to settle down, but I knew it was coming,
And look, I don't know if I can say yes right away,
'cause there's still a lot you're gonna need to work on,
but let's just say I'm open to it,
Oh,
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, I ruined your big moment,
Go ahead, ask!
I live for moments like these,
You live for getting dumped?
What?
We're done,
I mean, after you hear what I have to say
you probably won't wanna stay together anyway,
So, let's just pretend you're dumping me,
Jacob, I don't know what happened to you today,
but it's not fair for you to take it out on me,
- especially tonight,,, - You're not listening,
You never do,
You're supposed to be the person I'm closest to
and sometimes I wonder if we've ever
had a real moment together,
So to be real, I've grown to kind of hate you,
And don't get me wrong, I love the you that took pity on me
in high school and loved me even when I was a total dork,
But somewhere along the way I became your bellboy,
your chauffeur, your social media consultant,
and I hate everything about our relationship now,
I hate those matching sweatsuits
you bought us without asking,
I'm not a prop for your selfies,
I hate the way you grow out your armpit and leg hair
every November to protest my mustache,
My charity mustache,
I hate when you open your mouth
really wide to put on mascara,
I hate when you stick your hands literally down my pants
to warm them up when we get inside during winter,
You make my penis hate you, is that what you want?
- Jacob, stop,,, - No, I'm not done,
I hate the way you cover your boobs with your hair
and sing songs from "The Little Mermaid,"
That's not cute,
I hate when I try to have sex with you,
you tell me you're too tired and then I wake up
in the middle of the night to the sound of your vibrator
and you telling me you needed to masturbate to fall asleep,
That's happened five times in the last month,
I hate when you call me sport, or dude,
or bro, or buddy, or any variation of what
my guy friends call me,
You're not my guy friend, you're my girlfriend,
Or you were and now you're not,
Good luck finding another girl like me,
Oh, I hope I don't,
You can sleep on the couch tonight,
That's where you'll find me till the end of the month
if you have any accounting or social media inquiries,
These avocados are too salty,
I already salted them,
You just added more,
Yo, this guy has no pull, no pull whatsoever!
And I swear if he takes another one of my clients,
I will personally, personally make sure
that his name is worthless in this town,
and he can go back to Bucharest or whatever shit hole
that inbred came crawling out of,
Anyway, let me call you back,
- Hiya boss, - You're late,
And you're a sad little man,
'Bout time you learned to talk some smack,
Or else this business will chew you up like dog food,
Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie,
or are you gonna bite?
Are you auditioning for the "Reservoir Dogs"
stage play or something?
Nope, but sometimes I wonder if you are,
All right relax, I wear a suit like once a week,
I'm talking about Sopranos wiseguy accent,
You said you grew up in Toronto,
where the hell did that come from?
I did, but I'm from Woodbridge all right?
Woodbridge is the Jersey Turnpike of the GTA,
Grab your Moleskine out,
Ah, shoot, I left it at home,
Well then go back home and get it you clown,
There's a lot of valuable information in there,
Yeah, like all the Facebook names of the actresses
you're trying to fuck?
- What? - You shouldn't trust me
with such valuable information, Tony,
I don't know if someone spiked your soda water
or your balls finally dropped,
I bet you that's what it is,
- Here, let me cop a feel,,, - Keep your hands to yourself,
you little pervert,
Whoa, I'm just having fun, this is fun,
Where the hell do you get off talkin' to me like that?
- You're a fucking bum, - Wow,
I, I, I don't know what's crawled up your ass
but I'm willing to give you the benefit
of the doubt for the moment,
Believe me, your mom's gonna be hearing
every single word about this and I'm gonna,,,
Okay, good,
Go ahead and tell her,
Tell her everything, Tony,
Matter of fact, take this,
Write down everything I'm about to say,
I don't wanna be misquoted,
- Watch what you say next, - Or what?
- 'Cause I'm make sure,,, - You're gonna what?
Fire me?
It's kinda hard to fire me from an unpaid internship,
isn't it, Tony?
Especially when you haven't gathered any documentation,
a social insurance number, nothing,
You know what, I've been trying to figure out
what's the most appalling thing
about this little arrangement of ours,
It could be watching you yell into your cell phone
and then brag about your mastery of technology
in the same breath,
Or the way you fake smile to every potential client
and turn around and talk to me like I'm a shit stain
on the bottom of your shoe,
You'd never have the balls to talk to anybody like that
in any other scenario, so I'm pretty sure you just
hired me so you could feel like you have some power
in your life since you clearly have none,
Or maybe it's the fact you're a closet homosexual,
which I mean, I'm actor, I get it, it's fine,
What I'm not fine with is you implying the only way
to get ahead in my career is by doing people
like you sexual favors, or playfully grabbing my cock
and balls, all the while hitting on actresses,
whoa, excuse me, potential clients,
trying to live up to some macho self image,
Or maybe the worst part is hearing you rant
about doing business your way, outside the box,
when the reality is, you're a fuckin' failure,
and the only reason I can come up with to tell myself
why I've spent this long as your little bitch
is so that I can learn what to never, ever do,
Very nice,
You ungrateful prick,
You can see yourself to the door,
The door of your nonexistent office?
Or was that coming, like my cell phone privileges?
- Leave, - Okay, here I go,
Oh, gotta take this,
Keep walking!
Hey, can you tell my mom I'm not gonna be home for dinner?
Yeah, just write it down with all the other stuff,
Day two!
Okay, this is just store brand coffee,
so it shouldn't take nearly as long as last time,
Can we turn the lights down?
My eyes kinda hurt,
Jacob, that sense of humor of yours, is quite lively,
but it's not why we hired you,
We just want to keep it natural,
Keep it generic,
Are we gonna go for a take,
or can I squeeze in a power nap?
Okay, camera rolling?
Um, yeah, rolling,
Jacob, whenever you're ready,
Mm, this coffee looks so deliciously generic,
I'd love to try some but I should probably get a lid
like a normal person so it doesn't get cold,
Cut,
Jacob, this is not the time or place
to practice your line reading,
Just drink the coffee,
Jake, there's no lid on the cup
because we wanna use the actual coffee in the shot,
So, can we just do it again, and this time for me,
just take a sip and put it back down,
See, that's how you talk to the talent,
Please roll right now, Jim,
Camera rolling?
- Yeah, rolling, - Action,
Cut, I liked it,
- Are we good? - Better,
But, Jacob, we need you to be a bit more natural,
Yeah, you mean the way he brought
it up to his mouth, right?
- Yeah, let's do it again, - Yeah,
This time more smooth,
But wait, let me think about this,
How do I drink coffee when I'm by myself?
Is it like this?
No, I think it's more like this,
No I, I just sort of turn at the elbow,
I don't, I don't raise my whole arm,
- It's a little more,,, - All right,
- Yeah, - Mm hm, mm hm,
- It's just, yeah, - Hm, um,
Coffee's getting cold, guys,
- Wait, - Uh, yes, okay,
For this take, let's just do whatever feels most natural,
Whatever feels natural?
- Yes, - You sure about that?
Well the client seems to think
there was something wrong with that last take,
They're looking for something a little more authentic,
I'll try my best,
Great, okay,
Action,
Tell the client that's what came naturally,
Oh, and hang on, I got this,
If I had, excuse me, I'm working on my line delivery,
You're fired, you're fired,
God, I can't stand that guy, but he's so fun to imitate,
Goodbye, Jacob,
Oh, it's okay, I've decided commercials aren't for me,
I hope you can sleep at night
after pulling a stunt like that,
Thanks!
I think I'll sleep like a baby,
Can you keep it down?
I'm trying to sleep,
Oh, sure, but thanks to you my body clock is programmed
to wake up in four hours to do a hybrid
jiu-jitsu, Jazzercise, and Buddhist chanting class,
so I don't wanna hear any complaints,
Good night, love,
Monologues, who would like to go first?
I'll get it over with,
Wonderful, thank you, Kendall,
So, months ago I found out that these Syrian refugees
were coming to like, resettle here or whatever,
but then like I,,,
Can you stop saying like every two seconds,
it's just super distracting,
Okay, thank you, Jacob,
So, as I was saying, I wanted to do something good
for the Syrian refugees, but then like,
sorry, then I totally forgot about them,
I mean, because I guess I never really met any,,,
Yeah, not 'cause you're a bad person or anything,
Are you saying I'm a bad person?
No, no, I never met any either
and I totally forgot about them, too,
Right,
Then I saw a family of them of them on the subway,,,
- How do you know they were,,, - And then there was this,,,
Syrian, you just assumed?
No, I didn't just assume that,
I didn't just assume,
There was a guy who was calling them a bunch of terrorists
and they were telling him that they were trying to flee
the terrorists where they come from, in Syria,
and then that made me think
these are the people that I wanna help,
that I wanna give a voice to as an artist,
The people who are under-represented
So you got up and told that guy
to shove it and take a hike, right?
No, that's what I was getting to,
that I felt like I let them down,
because I didn't do anything,
and how that made me wanna help them even more in this work,
and that's what I was trying to say in my monologue,
Which I guess I'm done now,
Thank you Kendall, very good,
Jason, you're up,
Please, Jason,
Um, I didn't have to dig too deep for material,
because uh, since the first class
I've been having a rough couple of days,
Oh Lord, tell me about it bruh,
Um, I've been having a real hard time at auditions,
and trying to hold my tongue
at the notes they're giving me,
especially how ridiculous these roles are getting,
Yo, so, just tell 'em to stuff it, fam,
I did that last night at a commercial shoot,
It felt amazing,
That's cool man,
So, next time just ask yourself, what would Jacob do?
So, what, you think you're Jesus now?
I dunno dude, but there is a Jacob in the Bible,
maybe the Jason part got cut out,
Okay, as I was saying, it just used to be that
the casting calls for a young black male was
for some stupid role like the token black guy
or two episodes as the gay soccer player on Degrassi,,,
Yo, you went out for that, too?
I mean, I kissed my guy friend to prep for that,
I didn't even get a call back,
Yeah, Jacob, this is meant to be a monologue,
- not a dialogue, - Sorry,
So, as I was saying, it just seems that they're getting
real aggressive with the stereotypes,
and now they call me to audition for a drug dealing,
rapping, football player with dreadlocks,,,
Yo, let's be real though,
That sounds like a dope character though,
Not if it's the only thing
you're getting called out for though!
So, find a way to show 'em you can do more, dude,
Yo, I peeped your demo last night, that shit was tight,
See, that's easy for you to say,
You look like you were built in
the lab by the ghost of Hitler,,,
Oh, okay, enough, boys,
Enough,
Jacob, batter up,
I'm not even blonde,
Please spit your gum out before
- you begin, Jacob, - Oh, sorry, I'm not,
I just, I pretend to chew gum when I'm nervous, so,
Little bit of mime work,
Yeah, um, okay,
The truth is, I've completely lost my way,
I feel like one lie you tell yourself piles on
and becomes a thousand and before you know it,
you're the type of person you once hated the most,
Completely unrecognizable to yourself
in the blink of an eye,
But the evils that have overcome me are insidious
because they're not obvious,
I not an abuser, a serial killer, or a rapist,,,
Uh, excuse me?
What?
Can I get a trigger warning next time?
- Are you serious? - Yes, completely,
I didn't know people said that in real life,
Um, what I mean is, I'm not a bad person,
I just let a bunch of little things add up
and become this clusterfuck where there
used to be some clarity,
I focus on looking cool instead of being cool,
I shut my heart because I tell myself
there's no sense in getting hurt,
and I'm completely dismissive and ignorant towards
people that I have nothing to lose by doing so,
Normal, human sins you could argue,
but I'm better than that,
and yet I let it get the better of me,
And I have no idea where to go from here,
There you have it,
Wonderful,
Thank you, Jacob,
Ah, let me get that,
I don't want you to throw out your back,
Do I really look as old as I feel?
Do I really look like I was made in a science lab?
No, you're not that handsome,
Good thing, too, or that's all you'd be known for,
I wanted to ask you, do you have any advice for me?
Yes, be better,
Try harder,
I do scene work every day,
and I have a huge callback in a couple hours,
I don't mean as an actor, I mean as a person,
Ah,
Look, you're already one of the most talented
actors I've taught in years, but that isn't enough,
People have to feel a difference when they meet you,
They have to see it in your eyes,
They won't cast you tonight because you tick their boxes,
they'll cast you because it feels right,
And then they'll change whatever their boxes say
so they can persuade themselves that you ticked them,
ickity-tina-the-tinese-tickin',,,
No, Jacob, it's great that you're expressive,
but sometimes you make me feel that you've snorted
a line of Adderall before you came in here,
An actor can only command attention
if he can command himself,
Yeah, okay, but have you ever considered
you're maybe taking this a little too seriously?
I mean, I wanna play dress-up for a living, man,
And you know, I'd love to think it's as deep
and meaningful as you try to tell me it is,
'cause it makes me feel so special, but,,,
Yes, but you want to make a decent living
from playing dress-up, don't you?
Have an actual career instead of a two-year hot streak?
Support a family?
And it's not just about avoiding the factory line,
It's about spiritual life and death,
Okay,
You know what, I'll try to do what you said,
I'll try and push myself,
You know what, I'm gonna start right now by going
to the liquor store and then to my callback,
I don't see the connection,
Oh, you will, Robbie,
Nope, we're not there yet,
Sir Williams III,
Drastic measures, Jacob,
Already on it, chief,
I remember you, director guy,
Very important that I impress you,
Blow you away,
Not blow you, although I've been told
that's a great way to get ahead,
A head,,
Nice to see you again, Jacob,
It's Aldrin, by the way, for future reference,
and this is my casting director, Sandra,
Hello,
Wait, Sandra the casting director?
Oh, my God, I feel like I'm meeting a living legend!
Your reputation precedes you,
No, no, no, people are terrified of you,
I suppose I've earned that reputation,
Jacob, don't mind what you've heard,
I told Sandra how impressed I was with your first audition,
She's gonna give you all the time you need,
Yep,
Please, make yourself comfortable in the space,
I'm plenty comfortable, Aldy,
I appreciate the confidence,
I'm going to read as your wife,
- Are you ready? - Yeah,
Well, please begin,
How long have you been waiting up?
Long enough to read all the emails you sent this week,
make myself tea, and write 20 pages of the manuscript,
Yeah and were the emails as boring for you
as they were for me?
They were, and that's what I don't get,
How you've made it this far up the ladder
in only six months just by sending emails
to organize after work drinks,
Maybe it's because no one in politics uses email anymore,
Or like, anyone under 50,
Well, that conveniently rules out most of your colleagues,
But they're not the ones I'm worried about,
You're the one who told to use my talents
to make up for my lack of experience,
I never told you I wanted you to fuck your interns,
You're fucking ridiculous,
Oh,
Look, Carrie, I need a teammate in this, okay?
I need someone in my corner patching up my wounds,
because it's a free-for-all if we go on from here,
They're gonna tear me apart, every bad decision I ever made,
every joint I smoked in high school, they'll dig it up,
So the last thing I need is for you to be playing
the role of paranoid housewife,
You're better than that,
You're the one pulling the strings here,
I'm just the fucking mouthpiece,
I'm nothing without you,
I need you to trust me,
I need you because no one will trust me if you don't,
When will you stop drinking?
How can I trust anything you say anymore?
Come to bed,
The audit starts tomorrow, I can't stay up any longer,
Cut,
Frankly, Jacob, I figured you had that kind of range
and I was already leaning toward you, but I had to be sure,
And normally we would discuss this and get back to you,
but I wanna use the opportunity with you here to speed up
the process and discuss some details,
Yes, I must say, I'm impressed,
You didn't overplay the drunkenness,
He's a practiced alcoholic,
so he's not gonna be staggering and slurring,
so you really nailed that part of the character,
Thank you,
It probably helps I'm actually drunk,
Jacob, we're gonna have to find a way to get you
to tone down that dark humor on set,
I doubt that'll happen,
And I'm serious, I'm completely shitfaced right now,
I find that a little hard to believe,
Oh, my darling, beautiful,
but understandably mistrustful wife,
my sweet, sweet Carrie,
Believe it,
He's not lying,
I'll let you take it from here,
Jacob, why?
I need something tactile to help me drop in,
If it says I'm wearing a suit, I'd be wearing a suit,
If it said a cigar, I'd have a cigar,
It says I got drunk, so I got drunk,
Yeah, okay, but this is network television,
There's a standard of professionalism,
You can't show up drunk to an audition,
Oops,
I'm willing, we're willing to let this go,
as long as you can promise me that you
will never show up drunk again,
I can't promise that,
Jacob, you are head and shoulders above
any of the other guys we've seen for this,
Okay, you just have this thing, that they don't,
But this will never fly on a professional set,
and we are sticking our necks out for you here
by telling you that we will let this go,
So just tell me that you will never show up drunk again,
I really wanna lie to you and tell you that,
But it's part of my process to commit 100%,
And part of that, for me,
is doing everything the character would do,
Well, what if your character is a murderer?
Then I would go hunt a deer or something,
I mean, I really wouldn't want to,,,
Then why don't you drink some apple cider vinegar
before coming to work and pretend it's a Jack Daniels?
Because it's about how it feels,
It's easy to sit on the other side of the table and shout,
but emotions take time,
And if this guy's an alcoholic, I'm gonna be drunk,
Drinking, maybe not drunk all the time,
I'm not unreasonable,
Jacob, I'm sorry, I can't bring you on for this,
If you change your mind about your method,
send us an email, fast,
Not gonna change my mind, it's how I work,
It was a pleasure working with you,
You don't have to lie to me, Aldy,
All right then,
It was a profound disappointment working with you,
That's what I'm talkin' about,
- Cheers, Sandra, - You know, most actors
would kill for an opportunity like this one,
But would they kill a deer?
Didn't think so, but I would,
Best of luck, hot shot,
You know, I don't care what they say about you, Sandy,
You're all right,
Ooh, ooh, ooh, how about the ass on that one, bruh?
- I guess, - What you mean, you guess?
Bruh, I would let that thing suffocate me to death,
It's just weird to me that bums are such
a point of sexual fixation,
I mean, you sit on them, they collect germs all day,
you shit out of them, you can't have sex with them
without copious amounts of lube,
It's like the asshole is literally screaming
"Please, don't fuck me, please!"
But yeah, I mean,
butts, that's what gets me going,
That's such a, such a white boy thing to say,
You're white,
You don't know me bruh,
I'm 1/8 Trinidadian,
I'm sure your great grandmother is
Super random, but I just broke up with my girlfriend,
and I don't wanna sleep on her couch,
Can I stay at your house?
Shit,
I just quit my job and there's nothing on Kijiji,
Do you have any options for gainful employment?
Anything,
Oh, my God, dude, you are so handsome,
I mean, you probably have a great personality too,
which kinda sucks 'cause people must have
a hard time seeing that through your looks,
Well thank you, you're far too kind,
No, no, I gotta call it like I see it,
Well, I'm free right now,
how would you like to go for a drink?
Ah, I'm straight, actually,
And wasn't that your boyfriend?
Oh, no, just a friend,
and I dunno if you're straight,
That was quite the compliment you gave me,
No, I swear, I just broke up with my girlfriend,
And had a sexual awakening?
No!
I, I can appreciate a man's attractiveness,
it doesn't have to be a gay thing,
A gay thing?
You know you're in the gay village, right?
I am?
Weird, I sort of randomly wandered here,
Randomly wandered into the gay village
and started complimenting random men,
Sounds pretty gay to me,
No, I'm just a bit drunk,
Drunken words are sober thoughts,
There was no thought to what I said,
it was just pure gut instinct,
You're not helping your case,
I blurt things out sometimes, okay?
I'm trained to, I'm an actor,,,
You're really not helping your case,
How can I prove to you I'm not gay?
I think the question is,
how can you prove to yourself that you are?
Oh God, I'm so confused,
Exactly, goodbye,
Okay, goodbye, beautiful stranger,
Hello, sir,
Will you take me to California?
Aw,
Hey, yo, girl, you probably got a nice butt,
Sorry, what?
But I ain't seen it yet, 'cause you ain't passed me!
So, go on sugar, show us what your workin' with,
You're funny,
I'm really not trying to be,
I just, I need to validate my sexuality
and I have no idea how to hit on a girl,
Yeah, that's not how,
That's like a bad impression of how guys try to pick me up,
Yes, I was doing an impression of this
1/8 Trinidadian man who taught me
everything I know about women,
Wow, he sounds like a keeper,
Do you wanna introduce us?
Probably should, since I have no idea
why you're still talking to me,
- Stop messing with me, - I'm not,
I'm not, I just have no idea where I am,
but all these beautiful creatures keep
I just, I feel this need to acknowledge the beauty,
- Yeah? - Yeah,
What's your name?
Lil' Jakey,
It's my 1/8 Trinidadian rap name,
Hello Jakey, I'm Sierra,
That's my real name,
I feel like I'm gonna die soon
and I have the sudden urge to procreate
to ensure the continuation of our species,
- Oh really? - Yeah,
Completely unrelated but, do you wanna get a drink?
- Sure, - Then go get one,
You are messing with me,
I'm not, I'm not,
I'm just, I'm a closeted asshole,
By that, I mean my inner asshole comes out
of the closet when I'm drunk,
By inner asshole I don't mean sphincter,
I wanna make that very clear, mostly for my own sake,
You're so digging a hole here,
Yeah, let's go get a drink,
It's so secluded in here,
Yeah, nobody ever comes down here,
It's my favorite spot,
One vodka water, my lady,
Where's yours?
Oh, drinking is bad for you,
I thought you said you were drunk,
Yes, yeah, but I wanna sober up for what comes next,
And what comes next?
You do,
Does that mean what I think it means?
What do you think it means?
That you think I'm gonna go home with you
because I agreed to a drink,
Oh, my God, can we drop this little charade please?
- What? - Do you find me attractive?
I guess,
- Sexually? - Maybe a little,
Okay, so, as long as I don't make you uncomfortable
or do anything completely psychopathic,
why don't we just acknowledge where this is going,
so we can get to know each other as people,
Wow, when you put it like that, I guess I can't say no,
But you can say no at any point,
and I'm totally gonna respect that,
For now though, let me just say that you
are ridiculously fucking hot,
and I'm gonna try to blow your mind even though
I've only ever been with one woman,
- You married? - No, but my girlfriend
is sleeping at home in bed,
so we should probably go to your place,
Yeah, I should probably go,
Ex-girlfriend, ex,
Totally fine,
I guess that means you're
emotionally unavailable right now,
Yes, yes I am extremely emotionally unavailable,
In fact, the only thing I'm available for
is for the pleasure of your company,
on this specific night only,
I'm lonely, I'm broken,
I'm not even sure I'll be able to perform in bed,
and I doubt we'd be compatible as friends,
so I can't believe you're still here but, here you are,
You're interesting, Jacob,
Thank you,
Ah, see, I feel better already,
I do very well with praise,
Can you tell me something else?
All right, you're probably the most honest guy
I have met in, ever,
- It's a little suspicious, - Suspicious?
Oh no, what if I have an ulterior motive,
like to have sex with you?
Oh, no, wait,
we've already established I do,
Yeah, it's refreshing,
You know what is refreshing?
Ice cold showers,
We should take one together until our organs are freezing
and we have to clutch each other's bodies
That's so weird,
But it's also kinda hot and it just makes me wonder what
other kinky tricks you've got up your sleeve,
Legitimately zero,
I didn't even think that sounded hot,
I just thought it would be cool
to create some mutual suffering as like,
as a team-building exercise before sex,
No, you are so playing with me again,
'Cause I can tell you're this little lion man,
the way you snarled at me on the street,
Nope,
My sexual spirit animal would be more like a penguin,
'Cause penguins are little perverts, right?
No, because penguins have sex standing straight up,
wearing a tuxedo like a virgin on prom night
getting busy for the sole purpose of procreation
with their lifelong mate,
Wow, you're so poetic,
That just rolled off your tongue so perfectly,
I am a cunning linguist,
I'll bet,
And you're funny, and honest,
and I can tell you're just gonna be a handful later,
Doubt it,
I've only ever been with my girlfriend,
and she would always make me lie perfectly still
like a mannequin with an erection,
Oh, my God, that's kinda hot,
If I ever moved, she'd slap me in the face,
Can I do that too?
Sure,
I'm gonna go stare in the bathroom mirror
and question my life decisions,
Okay, promise me you won't run off,
I won't,
All right, 'cause you've got this thing about you,
this vibe,
I've never felt anything like it,
So, don't stare for too long, okay?
Are you serious?
You're going home with this clown?
I mean, I could give you a number for a great therapist,
Oh, hey, my place or yours?
Rain check?
Oh, bye, Felicia,
So yeah, that's everything that's happened since last time,
That's, wow,
Come on, don't go speechless on me now,
Give me something,
I'm sorry, Jacob, it's almost midnight,
The only reason I got your text is because my last patient
was suicidal and I've been working three hours
longer than I expected,
And then I texted you saying it was an emergency,
And I felt kind of obligated, yes,
Well, I can go,
No,
No, you're here, we should talk this through,
Thanks,
Yeah, I just, feels like I bit off more than
I could chew with this mindspeak thing,
dumping everything in my life at once,
- Yeah, - And having to suffer through
these special acting classes with these special actors
who need fuckin' trigger warnings,
I mean one of them is just ridiculous,
Her name's Kendall, she's the walking embodiment
of the thought police, and you can't say anything
right around her, and I just don't get that, you know?
Why can't you just talk about things,
have a healthy discussion, lay it out on the table instead
of trying to shut everybody down into your little box,
All right,
And then screwing up my audition tonight,
Yeah,
And then getting my face knocked in,
I mean, if this swells up and fucks up my face permanently
it could seriously damage my career,
and I don't have any other skills besides this,
I mean, I could go into manual labor but look at me,
I'm like Popeye before he eats spinach,
- Jacob,,, - What?
I don't know, nothing,
I should probably get some sleep,
Oh, God,
Yeah, I'm so fucking self-absorbed,
Larissa is probably worried about you,
That's the thing,
What?
Don't tell me you guys broke up too,
- I, uh,,, - Yeah, you have seemed
kinda off tonight,
If that's what it is, you can tell me, okay?
I don't expect you to be on for me all the time,
- Jacob, - What, what is it?
I have a confession to make,
What?
I feel like I've misled you about a couple of things,
How is that even possible, you barely speak,
you just placate me while I blather on,
Well, let's start with Larissa,
What's with the air quotes?
Have names been changed to protect the innocent?
No, I made her up,
Well if fabricating a fake girlfriend
is the worst of your sins, you are absolved, my child,
Jacob, I'm straight,
And I'm single,
Okay, yep, you're gonna have to explain this one,
I've had male patients in the past who have seemed
a little distracted during our sessions,
and some have even asked me out,
which doesn't really create a professional environment
that's conducive to the work,
Okay,
So I decided a while ago to sidestep the whole issue
and told myself that if a patient ever asked,
I'd tell a white lie,
I'd say I was a lesbian with a girlfriend,
Was the lesbian part really necessary?
Yeah,
Saying you have a boyfriend just registers as
an inconvenience in the minds of certain men,
So yes, it was necessary,
Okay, you said a couple things,
Well, since I wanna get people out the door for good,
I prescribe a lot of newer methods of treatment,
some of them controversial,
but most of the time they work,
But with you, I guess I didn't really
exercise the best judgment,
Wait, what do you mean exactly?
I mean I seriously underestimated your capacity for
embodying the mindspeaking method,
I have never seen a client undergo
a transformation this extreme in such a short period,
I told you that I was committing to it,
and that when I commit to something I go all out,
I told you that,
I know, but Jacob, you have to understand,
When I hear these sorts of resolutions,
it's mostly lip service,
I thought it would help you speak up about
the things that are bothering you,
I had no idea you'd cut off
every aspect of your life like this,
And I sort of feel responsible, but,
I mean, my brain is fried,
I have no idea what else to tell you right now,
What?
How about the fucking truth then?
I'm supposed to be able to trust you, I did trust you,
I did exactly what you told me to do
and now my entire life has gone to shit,
I know, I'm sorry,
You're sorry, are you fuckin', that's not good enough,
You treated me like a guinea pig,
and now you're gonna sit there like a wounded animal
expecting me to forgive you?
Like, oh, she didn't mean to pose as a professional
and dispense terrible advice to someone
in a position of trust and ruin
their entire fuckin' life in the process,
Okay, gosh, I'll just go home,
What are you gonna cry now?
Are you fuckin' serious?
Did you need a trigger warning?
'Cause if so, just hug a fucking kitten and stay indoors,
I spill my guts out to you every week in here
and you can't even talk straight,
- That's fuckin' great, - Stop!
No, how am I supposed to trust you if you know everything
about me and I don't know a single
fuckin' thing about you, huh?
Look at you, sitting in your throne playing puppet master
with every one else's lives 'cause what,
it suits your hero complex?
Fine,
Fine, Jacob,
I'll tell you the truth about myself,
I exist because of a lie,
My mother was a social activist in the UK
and the government suspected her group of terrorist activity
even though she was completely peaceful,
And they assigned undercover police officers
to infiltrate her community and my father,
well he was one of them,
And she fell in love because she thought
he believed in their cause, and he got her pregnant,
And then testified against my mother
for being complicit in a violent protest
and she gave birth to me in prison,
So, I am the product of rape by deception,
and my father was acquitted because he was a cop
while my mother rotted away in a cell,
So, yes, maybe I need a fucking trigger warning,
And no, no, I am not comfortable laying it on
the table and creating a dialogue with anyone who asks,
You know, I used to tell myself that I got into
therapy because I wanted to make the world a better place,
one person at a time,
But now I realize I started because I was trying
to understand how my father could feel
what he did was justified and,,,
I don't understand,
I don't possess the gene to do that to someone,
He didn't pass that one along,
And I mean sure, yeah, you totally fucked your life up,
but that's a recent development,
I was born with this hollow feeling in my chest
and it has never gone away,
So, good for you,
Good for you Jacob, you learned to speak your mind,
You might need to think about
the other person for once, first,
I'm sorry,
It's my professional recommendation
you stop practicing the method,
And I need you to leave,
Fuck me, I, I,,,
Please, please get out Jacob,
Now!
You can leave it open,
Shouldn't you be at work by now?
I'm working from home for the rest of the month,
Oh,
You know, I never really appreciated this place
until I knew I was leaving,
- You're leaving? - First of the month,
I thought you'd want me to leave,
Well, this place is so Brooklyn,
I mean, it's cute, but I belong in a condo,
No one belongs in a condo,
Oh, Jacob,
- You just don't get it, - No, I really don't,
No, you never got me,
I don't wanna do this,
I'll let you get back to work,
I'm not mad,
Are you sure?
'Cause you seem mad,
And I mean, you have every right to be after I ambushed you,
It wasn't an ambush,
What happened to your face?
It's a long story,
Look, Cass, just talk to me,
I'll hear you out, all right?
Have a seat,
Jacob,
who were you in high school?
Your boyfriend?
No, no, no, I mean, before we started dating,
I don't know,
Normal, I guess,
I definitely wasn't the quarterback,
Exactly, you weren't the quarterback,
You were the drama kid,
But you might as well have been the quarterback,
What do you mean?
Well, when you were in your musical theater bubble,
all of the girls were talking behind your back,
trying to figure out how to ask you out
or get you to prom,
Because you were that one funny, handsome guy
that didn't know how attractive he was
because he wasn't getting any hero worship
on the football field,
He was practicing glottal stops
and Cockney accents in a dark room,
This is all news to me,
Of course it is,
So, when I just walked straight up to you
and asked you out without any of the note-passing,
fifth grade bullshit, a lot of the other girls were jealous
but they backed off,
And I guess I had you where I wanted you ever since,
As your invisible man-servant?
Okay, I acknowledge I've treated you differently
than I would like to treat a boyfriend,
But I could never really relax just 'cause
I always thought you'd figure out that
you could do better than me and leave,
So, I guess I just tried to demoralize you a bit,
Insult and belittle me in every conceivable way?
Okay, yeah, that,
Yeah, you were really good at that,
But that's the thing,
I was too good at it, and that confident happy guy I met
in high school just let me suck the life right out of him,
And it got to the point where I was trying to drive you
crazy so you'd either just man up or leave,
I guess you didn't figure I'd do both at once,
I'm sorry?
Well, I'd like to think that I left because I manned up,
I've got my shit together now,
I'm in an advanced acting class,
- I just had a huge callback, - Okay, yep,
And let me guess, you found some way
to fuck them up already?
Easy,
All right, I deserved that,
Jacob, your dream is unrealistic,
You say that you want it, but do you really?
You're not practical about it,
You just go on spinning your wheels,
talking about your favorite actors
and their incredible performances,
Like, you don't even have an agent,
I'm not gonna settle for some crappy agent,
Whatever, something is better than nothing to start,
and you refuse to take small jobs
because you say that it's beneath you,
when you know that's what you need to get started, but no,
You're all talk, dude,
You know, sometimes I think I must be crazy,
because I loved you,
Maybe I still love you, I don't know,
But I must be crazy if I can love someone who can be
cut down to size by a casting director
who hasn't had their morning coffee,
I haven't had my morning coffee,
You never drink coffee in the morning,
Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out how to leave,
Okay, run along then,
The truth cuts both ways, doesn't it?
Seems so,
It's sad,
because I think you actually believe that someone
is just gonna come find you and put you on a show
just because you're just so good,
And I've realized that this, this is for the best,
Because I could never be with someone who thinks like that,
I'll get out of your way, then,
I'm glad we talked,
You, how'd you find me here?
It wasn't hard, you're always in
the same two-block radius,
Ah, it's where the magic happens,
And you're David Blaine, always on the streets,
giving the people what they want,
All right, I'm done being insulted by you,
- Take a walk, - It was a compliment,
The man can levitate,
Look, I came to make amends,
For some Polysporin?
Looks like someone beat me to the punch,
Yeah, look, Anthony,
I wanted to thank you for the opportunity,
I have realized there's probably lots I could've learned
from you and I'm sure you had good intentions,
I had good intentions, and good advice,
You just had shit in your ears,
Yeah, maybe,
I know I was pretty careless with what I said,
but I was just going through some stuff,
And mostly it's that I was being an asshole,
But still, I don't understand why you
had to be so condescending,
Jakey, your mommy got you this job, right?
Sure,
So, you have enough disposable income
to take an unpaid gig like this in your 20s
and still pursue a career as an actor,
Yeah, I guess,
Therefore you have no idea what it means to work,
Not to go to work, but to work,
You coast through life thinking it's just all
gonna happen 'cause you're a spoiled twerp,
I saw that and I was trying to help you,
Yeah, maybe I was a bit harsh, but that was the point,
Yeah, well, it backfired because now I'm disgusted by
whatever it is you do, your side of the business,
Jacob, this is the business,
This is life,
You work for someone and they treat you like shit,
you pay your dues, then you get to be the guy that puts
everyone else through the ringer,
I was just trying to speed it up for you
like my bosses did for me,
I get what you were trying to do,
but I'm pretty sure your strategy failed seeing as,
you know, here we are,
Did you want me to coddle you like your mommy?
Bullshit you and tell you that everyone
in this business is up front and that you don't have
to tell a few white lies to get ahead?
Why is it one or the other though, huh?
Why can't you work me hard but also
treat me with a little respect?
Respect is earned, Jacob,
- Why? - What?
Why is respect earned?
Why can't you just give it to me and continue to give it
to me until I do something to screw it up?
I don't know, all right?
Respect is earned,
That's what my bosses told me,
and that's what I'm here to tell you,
Figure it out,
I think you just figured it out for me,
Oh, I'm so fucking glad
I helped someone out today,
Hallelujah,
Thank you, Anthony,
- Really, - You're welcome,
Fuck,
Oh, look, the golden child has made his entrance,
Whoa, what happened to your face?
Hi guys, I'm sorry I'm late,
Jacob, we were just about to launch
into a scene with Jason and Kendall,
An actual scene, like acting?
Robert, I don't buy it,
That sounds great, but if you guys don't mind,
I'd like to say something first,
- Of course you do, - I'll make it fast,
Look, I feel like the first couple classes
we got off on the wrong foot,
Okay, I got off on the wrong foot,
I was pretty rude to both of you and I'm sorry for that,
- That's all? - What am I missing?
You were rude?
That's a great way to let yourself off the hook,
Okay, enlighten me then,
The last few days have been a blur, but I'm listening now,
Okay,
You came in here, you put on this whole little act like,
ooh, I'm such a nervous bumbling dork'
so that we would let our guards down,
and then you treat safe spaces and trigger warnings
like they're a complete joke,
which apparently gave you the grounds to interrupt our
performances and assert your dominance over the entire room,
That's an interesting interpretation,
Kendall is entitled to her interpretations, Jacob,
I never said she wasn't,,,
Okay, you know what, Robert, you are not any better here,
You're allowing his behavior to slide
because he's your favorite and then having your little
after school boys club, like we wouldn't notice,
Yeah, that shit's getting pretty obvious, you guys,
We're not hiding anything,
We're just talking,
It's not my fault if you're not able
to make friends or network,
Why wouldn't I be able to?
Because you're insufferable,
Oh, my God, and you just apologized for being rude,
I'm not saying that you are insufferable,
I'm saying that would be a reason
why you wouldn't be able to,,,
Okay, I'm just so done with your little mind games,
Can we just do the scene?
This is better than any scene you could be doing,
Okay, you know what, Robert, I think I want my money back,
It's too late now,
Look, Kendall, I'm actually sorry
and if you have something you wanna say to me,
just say it normally,
Oh, wow, of course you would say that,
Of course,
You're just trying to control my emotions,
trying to make me sound crazy,
I'm not doing that,
Such typical white male behavior,
Is that what this is about?
I'm the enemy because I have a penis?
Because of the color of my skin?
Which by the way, is the same color as yours,
No, you became my enemy when you decided
to act like a typical entitled white guy,
You didn't have to, but you did,
So yeah, that's exactly what this is about,
You know what, Robert, hold the refund,
this is getting really good,
Okay, so, you have to hide behind your identity politics
and shame me because I don't act expect how you expect,
whatever that even looks like,
I mean, sure, you have every right to criticize
my behavior, because it was fucked up,
but does it have to come with the entire weight
of collective social guilt?
Yes, it does, that's the whole point!
You have it so easy, and you don't even realize it,
None of you do,
You will only imagine what it's like
to be a woman or a minority,
You will never know what it's like to experience it,
You just get to coast through life
and doors fling themselves open for you,
- That's not true, - Okay, well if they don't,
it's not because of your gender or color,
Shit just isn't as serious for you, dude,
So yeah, when it comes down to making you
the butt of a joke, or making an example out of you,
it's your job to grin and bear it, because you can take it,
And because it will never compare to what we go through,
- Right? - What?
Don't bring me into this,
Look, Kendall, I don't wanna pick a side,
but when you pin me up against the wall and you say,
"You're with us or you're against us,"
what am I supposed to do in that scenario, huh?
Just throw in all my cards and say,
"Yep, I wholeheartedly agree with everything you say
"and I'm on your side now?"
Isn't that how cults are started?
Okay, I feel you,
And Kendall, I feel you also,
But Jacob my man, it's not like we wanna
play identity politics,
but the way how the system is set up,
people only relate to us
based off of our color, or our gender,
So, until society can make a shift,
we have to take a stance on the basis
of how we're being treated, being identified,
Yes, exactly,
I mean, how else are we supposed to do it?
Just agree with people who want to harm us
and take advantage of us?
I'm not willing to compromise when my side is right
and the other side is just wrong,
Okay, see you know what?
I can't get on board with that,
Well, then you're just as bad as he is,
What?
No, see, that is straight up childish,
You can't pigeonhole someone just because
they don't agree with everything you say,
See that's the thing, perfect reasonable attempts
for fighting for equal rights get hijacked
and turned into something that they're not
by people who talk like you,
And then make the rest of us seem like we're radicals,
- But I'm an ally! - Yeah?
Then maybe you should act like it and educate the man
instead of shutting him down,
- Thanks bruh, - Okay, you know what?
Now that we're on this subject,
you need to cut that shit out,
What shit?
Saying dope, fam, bruh, all that shit,
It's like you say it like it's some kind of
ironic joke with your white buddies,
"Oh, that's diggity dope, fam,"
but then you're stone cold serious when you say it with me,
Man, you can't get that shit past me, bruh,
Aight,
I mean, all righty,
Yeah, get used to it,
Talking real proper around me because that's how I have to
sound just so that I don't get casted
as the token black guy,
There's progress though,
I'm seeing better roles open up for minorities,
Yeah, well, I'm still waiting for a couple
more black people to win an award
for something other than playing a slave,
Okay, that's something I don't understand,
With the awards thing, shouldn't it be,,,
What, based on merit?
Yeah, tell that to the old white guys
voting for the awards,
Hey, easy on old white guys,
No, I was going to say proportionate to demographics,
Aren't like one in 10 people in North America black?
So, if there's five actors in an awards category,
isn't it fair if there's,,,
Half a black person?
Uh, I don't know,
So, I guess Gary Coleman would be
nominated every year, huh?
Hey, don't make fun of little people,
I'm not, nobody is,
And why does it matter anyways?
- Gary Coleman ain't here, - Gary Coleman's dead,
Rest in peace, Gary Coleman,
Oh, my God, you laughed,
There's a person in there somewhere!
Fuck you, Jacob,
Okay, I'm sorry,
I don't mean to be a dick, but I don't think everything
has to be a fight,
Not everyone is your enemy,
Why can't we all be allies?
Because that's not how it works,
Not everybody believes in the same things,
I mean, most people will never fight
for equality or justice,
Most people will just make fun of it
because they can afford to,
Okay, but some people are willing to learn,
Like me,
Look at me, Kendall,
Look at me, I mean it,
If you just assume I'm against you,
how could I ever be for you, huh?
Help me help you to help me,
What, I'm confused now,
Fuck, so am I,
Aren't you exhausted fighting all the time?
Put down the sword when you don't need it, man,
Not everything is so serious,
I can have fun, just not when the people
around me are ignorant,
Really?
Because until a second ago I wasn't even sure
you were capable of laughter,
You're probably the type of person who can't enjoy
"The Sound of Music" because it normalizes Nazism
through musical numbers or something,
Actually, I can't stand it because it doesn't do justice
to the persecution of the real Von Trapp family,
See, that's what I mean,
Whatever, it's a goddamn musical,
It's the entertainment equivalent of a puff pastry,
anyone could enjoy it if they just shut their brain off,
but of course you can't if you're looking
for the injustice in everything,
I bet you the actual Von Trapp's
would love "The Sound of Music,"
Okay, I will give it another go,
But I'm not letting you off the hook, man,
Good, I don't wanna be off the hook,
Stay on top of me and my white privilege
and my patriarchal hegemony like a hawk,
But please, if I'm acting fairly,
give me the benefit of the doubt,
I can do that,
Thank you,
Truce?
- Truce, - All right, truce,
Let's do the damn scene,
Later guys, I'm just gonna hang back and,,,
Yeah, yeah, we know, we know,
Good class, friends,
Well, that was interesting,
I'm surprised you didn't stop us sooner,
Why would I?
It was all going according to plan,
What, you were trying to make us fight?
No, I was trying to create an atmosphere
where you would all let go of appearances
and embody your personal truths,
You're an evil genius,
No, I'm an aging acting teacher
who's taught you everything he knows,
You're ready for the wild, Jacob,
Don't let me go, Robbie,
I don't wanna go,
Jacob, seriously,
I heard about your audition last night,
your drunken rampage,
That's was a plum job,
Did you really show up drunk?
How'd you hear about that?
Sandra is an old friend of mine,
She's very disappointed in you,
Well, I'm sorry mommy and daddy don't approve
of my method, but like I said, that's just,,,
No, that's just the way you do things, is it?
Are you sure?
Like I told you, Jacob, it's about spiritual life and death,
I don't want you to end up like me,
You're successful,
Oh, to a degree,
But I never really pursued what
I wanted in the proper way,
And that's not just with gusto,
that's with a measure of tact as well,
So, what are you suggesting?
I'm having coffee with Sandra tonight,
and I'll tell her that you will meet
with her and her colleague, sober as a priest in church,
ready to make it up to them,
Thanks,
Don't screw it up,
You know, I always thought white guys getting jobs
'cause other white guys called in favors was just a myth,
but now I'm starting to think Kendall has a point,
Maybe you should apologize to her,
I did,
Apologize again,
You can never apologize too often,
Hey, uh, I really needed to talk to somebody right now,
If you get this, call me back,
I'm done for the night,
Okay, but can I apologize?
Just come in for a minute,
What were you like as a teenager?
I was a total loner,
I can see that,
You're not very good at apologizing,
I'm just trying to ask you some questions for once,
No, that's my job,
Can tonight be off the clock?
I am off the clock, I told you,
Did being a loner affect your career choice?
Okay, now you're just procrastinating,
You do that a lot, you know,
Well, that's what therapy is, right?
- Talking in circles? - This isn't therapy,
This is you apologizing,
Right,
I think it's time you found a new therapist,
Somehow this feels more like a breakup
than my actual breakup,
Iris, I'm sorry for blaming you for everything,
And I'm sorry for treating you like
a sounding board instead of a human being,
because even if that is your job,
you're still a human being,
You're the last stop on my apology tour because to me,
you're the most important,
Don't say that,
Why would you say that?
Because it's true,
Because you're the only person
that I've ever been my true self around,
With everyone else I'm either pushed inside
or I push out and try too hard,
But with you, I can just be,
That's part of being a therapist,
Creating a sense of understanding and
No, it's more than that,
Look, when I was a kid I used to feel this sense
of clarity and of depth and like,
like everything was gonna be okay
and I was going exactly where I was supposed to,
But now I almost never feel that way, so when I do,
I just enjoy it while it lasts,
I think of it as some kind of spiritual Alzheimer's,
I know that when I wake up that feeling will be gone
and I'll be back in my head distracted by something stupid,
Yeah, welcome to adult life, Jacob,
You don't really believe that, do you?
That's just something you're supposed to say,
I know you know what I'm talking about,
because the times that I feel like that
are when I'm here with you, and I know you feel it too,
Maybe I know what you mean,
but that's an occupational hazard,
People don't get that sense of openness
and understanding in their real lives,
so they project that feeling on to me,
So you're calling me crazy?
No, you know I would never do that,
Sure, yes, I feel it too,
- But that's only because,,, - Because you're not
actually gay or in a relationship?
Stop, that has nothing to do with it,
Then maybe it's because you're extremely emotionally
available, you've felt alone at least since your adolescence
and you've spent the entirety of your adult life
keeping people at arm's length,
but now you're finally ready to open up
and experience intimacy,
You're flipping the script, eh?
What are your rates, doc?
Oh, you couldn't afford me,
You're probably right,
You said I'm the last stop on your apology tour,
What did I miss?
Well, I guess I realized that my version
of the mindspeaking method was just me projecting
my frustrations on to everyone else without stopping
to consider their perspective,
And I'm sorry, too, for giving you such terrible advice,
No, no, you're good,
It actually worked out,
I learned a lot of stuff about Cass I never knew,
Really, are you two getting back together?
No, that's not happening,
- Why do you care? - I don't,
Okay,
Yeah, even Anthony and my classmates
seemed to open up a bit,
It wasn't all sunshine and roses, but it's a start,
And see, that's it,
There's nothing wrong with speaking your mind
as long as you take the other person into account,
Couldn't you have told me that off the start?
- I thought it was obvious, - No,
I'm sorry, I'm joking,
I don't know, I wasn't thinking,
You, me, your classmates, we're all fucked up,
We're all just trying our best,
Is that even true though?
Everybody always says that "everyone is just doing
"the best with what they have,"
but there's plenty of times when
I know I could be doing better,
but I just choose not to 'cause I'm lazy,
'cause "Game of Thrones" is on, and that's not my best,
So, if that's true for me,
its gotta be true for other people,
I don't know, it's not binary,
We all just have our basic human nature with all
its carnal drives and we have
to do our best to transcend that,
You can't transcend human nature,
- It's human nature, - Oh, you can't?
A couple centuries ago they were
burning people for witchcraft,
A few decades ago women couldn't even vote,
All of our so-called natural drives to oppress
and be violent to each other have taken a back seat
because we are evolving as a society; mentally, spiritually,
There's no reason that trend can't continue,
You should meet this girl I know,
Her name is Kendall, I think you guys would get along,
Is that the safe spaces girl?
Yup,
Well I know you don't like her,
does that mean you hate me too?
My personal feelings have no bearing
on our professional relationship,
We have no professional relationship,
I fired you, remember?
Oh, yeah,
I guess that leaves us no choice but to be friends,
Friends?
I think you just want free therapy,
Oh, I think I've learned everything I can from therapy,
Oh, I think you are incredibly cocky,
Tell me what you really think,
I think I'm about to pass out,
Well, let's go get a coffee,
Uh, are you crazy?
It's after midnight,
I know a place that's still open,
That's not what I meant and you know it,
They have the best decaf,
Best decaf is an oxymoron,
Let's go,
Okay, but this is not a date,
Who said anything about a date?
No one said the word date,
You're the first person who said that,
Okay, come on, let's go,
- So, it's like more honest, - Okay,
Even though I know it's not,
I know it's like a,,,
I know what you're thinking, and it's not a date,
I mean that's what she said, so let's just go with that,
And maybe she's right, maybe I am projecting,
I have a hard time trusting a crush on my therapist
since I've fantasized about dating my therapist
since I was 12,
What kind of 12 year old does that?
Anyway, I guess I'm my own therapist now,
and it's got me thinking,
My relationship to love is a lot like
my relationship to life,
I mean, in the back of my mind I knew my girlfriend
and I could break up and it was easier to play it cool,
so if we did it wouldn't feel like
I was losing anything too major,
But at least with love there's the chance
that it'll work out and stand the test of time,
so some people go all in,
whereas the difference is with life,
it's a guarantee you're gonna die,
So, you hold back, you let your fear consume you
so that when it's over you can tell yourself,
"eh, it wasn't that great, it was no big deal,"
You know, people always say "live life to the fullest,
"take in every moment,"
but if you do that, then when it ends
it'll be completely devastating,
The loss of something you've experienced so purely
would feel so unbearable your soul might implode,
But hey, that's probably me just being dramatic,
You gotta give it your best shot anyway, right?