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- [WHISPERING] Jamie,
- Jamie! - No!
- Jamie, no!
Jamie!
- Please, no, don't do that, please,
Oh, my god!
- Jamie!
[woman crying]
- Jamie!
- No! No!
Jamie! - Jamie, no!
- Jamie!
- [WHISPERING] Jamie,
[dramatic sting]
- [gasping]
[crying]
[dramatic music]
- [spitting blood]
- No,
You gotta stay with me,
It's over,
We made it,
- I'm sorry,
- No,
No,
[sobbing]
No,
[melancholy music]
[ethereal sighing]
[sizzling, whimpering]
[breathing hard]
[fabric tearing]
[mysterious music]
[grunting]
[door rattling]
[banging]
[tense music]
[chainsaw whirring]
[panting]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING, SIREN WAILING]
- Miss, put the weapon down,
- Put your hands up,
[somber music]
- Jamie, can you tell us anything
about what happened tonight?
Who was that?
Jamie,
Jamie, can you tell us anything about what
happened this evening?
[car door shutting]
- [breathing shakily]
- Miss,
It's over,
[car engine starting]
[revving]
- We're here on the scene of a brutal massacre, which
has left four people dead and a community rocked by grief,
What began as a Halloween party in this cabin in the woods
ended in a bloodbath, with police responding
to a call made by sole survivor identified as Jamie Lancaster,
It was outside this peaceful cabin
that Ms, Lancaster was taken into custody just moments ago,
leaving behind a harrowing mystery,
Police investigators are now combing the crime scene
for clues as to what really happened on this fateful
Halloween night,
[somber music]
[villainest, "rapture"]
[SINGING] I never thought the world would end
I thought our love could last
I'm sorry all the things I promised
Never came to pass
[music continues on radio]
- Excuse me,
- Miss, suspects are advised to refrain
from speaking until they have been formally processed
at the station,
- Suspect?
No, there's been a mistake,
I'm the victim,
[laughter]
[handcuffs clinking]
- What?
[dramatic sting]
- Interview commencing 10:46 PM on Monday, the 31st of October,
Suspect's name is Jamie Lancaster, aged 32,
No previous record,
Ms, Lancaster, you are here because you've been arrested
on suspicion of mass murder,
- I didn't kill anyone,
- Mm-hmm,
[sighs] The bodies of four victims
were found at the crime scene,
All but one of them were eviscerated,
Two were even missing their heads,
Jamie, I'm just here for the truth,
no matter how strange or bizarre it is,
OK?
[mysterious music]
- OK,
- [roaring]
- [screaming]
- What the hell was that?
- You just said--
- All right, let's just start from the beginning, OK?
Ah-- before the screaming,
- Got it,
[ZEITGEIST ZERO, "SATANIC SEX WITCH"]
[kissing]
- Hey, Ooh,
- Hey,
- You got a little--
- Yeah,
- A little-- you're welcome,
So was I right?
- About what?
- About you having fun tonight,
- Playing Spin the Bottle with your old college friends
at a rundown cabin in the woods?
It's not exactly my ideal Halloween,
- OK, sorry,
Then what's Jamie's ideal Halloween?
- Well, how about you and me--
- Mm-hmm,
- --curled up on the sofa, pizza, plus some wine,
and a really shit low-budget horror movie?
- OK, yeah,
That does sound good to me,
[kissing]
- All right!
Listen up,
Firstly, thank you for coming and showing your beautiful
faces here tonight,
It has been too long since the old gang got back together,
- Fuck yeah!
- Secondly, thank you, Daniel, for bringing your rather
wonderful girlfriend, Jamie,
She really is perfect,
Now, on to the big reveal,
[latch sliding]
[ominous music]
- Wait, what's going on?
- It's OK, It's OK,
It's cool,
- Just a little privacy so we can get on
to the real reason we're all here tonight,
[dramatic music]
[thunder rumbling]
- The Eldritch Blade,
- Holy shit, Danny!
You actually pulled through!
- Hey, hey, be careful!
That's 500 years old,
I need to return it to my guy at the university
first thing tomorrow morning-- without a scratch
is what he told me,
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
- It looks kind of fake to me,
Are you sure you didn't get duped again, Danny?
[blade clicking]
- Oh, it's the real thing,
[laughs]
[eerie music]
Let's summon a monster!
- Seriously,
You're not telling me you actually went along
with all of this, right?
Fuck off,
[ominous music]
- Ah!
[panting]
[chanting in latin]
- [groans]
[chanting in latin]
- No, I'll pass, - Jamie--
- No, - --come on,
- No,
- Daniel, it's fine,
Jamie has a different part to play,
[thunder rumbling]
- Wait, what do you mean?
[dramatic music]
- [gasping] No!
[thunder rumbling]
Daniel!
[blood spilling]
No!
- [gasping]
- No, Daniel!
No!
[crying]
- [chanting in latin] - No!
[dramatic music building]
[chanting in latin]
- [screaming]
[knocking]
- Sorry,
One moment,
Come in,
[door opening]
[mysterious music]
- Did I miss anything?
- No, we were just getting to the good bit,
[smooth music]
Continue,
- As I was saying--
No! No!
[chanting in latin]
- [screaming]
[splattering]
- [sobs]
[creature growling]
- [choking, coughing]
[tense music building]
[screaming]
- [roaring]
[munching ravenously]
- [screaming]
[crying]
[screaming]
[man vocalizing]
- [snarling]
- [screams]
[screaming]
[blood spurting]
[man vocalizing]
[percussive music]
- Help me!
[screaming]
- [whimpering]
- [screaming]
- [snarling]
[crunching]
[chewing]
[growling]
- [gasping]
- [growling]
- Daniel!
- Run!
Run!
- 999,
Hello?
[tense music]
Can anyone hear me?
Hello?
- [growling]
[chainsaw whirring]
- Jamie?
- Time to send you back to hell, you ugly son of a bitch!
- [roaring]
- [shouting]
[intense music]
[blade clicking]
[chainsaw humming]
- [roaring]
- [crying] No,
Stay with me,
It's over,
We made it,
- I'm sorry,
[chainsaw thudding]
- OK,
I think we've heard enough,
- Wait, what?
- We already know the rest,
No need to go over what happens next,
- That's it?
- We've got everything we need,
- You said you wanted the truth,
I've told you what really happened,
- And it's a great story,
But it's not very original, though, is it?
- A cabin in the woods?
A ritual that summons some kind of monster which conveniently
disappeared,
Oh, and a chainsaw,
I mean, come on,
It's been done,
- This isn't a fucking joke!
[somber music]
Those people tried to kill me tonight,
Now they're all dead, torn apart by something
that I will have nightmares about until the day I die,
And the man I love, he sacrificed
himself to save my life,
If you don't believe me, then believe this,
Whatever power--
[dramatic music]
--brought that monster into our world is still out there,
More will come,
And if we don't stop it, we are all going to die,
[laughter]
- Oh?
[knocking]
- I'll take it from here,
- Yes, ma'am,
- Can I get you a drink--
tea, coffee, anything?
There are four dead, and the door was locked from the inside,
You were covered from head to toe in blood,
Forensics have already confirmed matches to all
four of the victims,
And when our officers found you, you
are holding the murder weapon
- No, no, I was just telling the others about--
- It's OK, it's OK,
I believe you,
I believe you didn't mean to do this,
You lost control,
Maybe it was a-- a mental break, or you smoked some wacky baccy,
Or maybe you thought those people in costumes
were actual monsters,
Either way, outside of an insanity plea,
you are going to prison for a long time,
Now, how about that tea?
Two sugars?
[door clanging]
- Fuck!
[upbeat music]
- [snoring]
[mysterious music]
[yawning]
[sighs]
We're alone,
What's your name?
- Jamie,
- Oh, that's a pretty name,
I'm Big Jenny,
And you wanna know why they call me Big Jenny?
- No, thank you,
- Oh!
Are you nervous, my little love?
No need to be nervous,
Big Jenny will look after you,
[door clanging open]
[women chattering]
[women laughing]
[door clanging shut]
[lock clicking]
- This can't be happening,
It can't be,
- What's up with you?
- I'm in a jail cell charged for drunk and disorderly,
My last night of freedom, and I'm locked up because of you!
- How is this my fault?
- You downed three bottles of vodka--
- [laughs]
- --flashed your tits to the bar staff, and pissed in the corner,
- [chuckles] When you gotta go, you gotta go,
- It was a five-star restaurant!
- Not anymore,
[laughs]
- This was the one night that was meant to be about me,
- Ugh,
It is always about you, love,
Did you even consider what I wanted to do tonight?
- It was my hen party!
- Yeah?
Then why are you acting like such a fucking cock?
- Yeah,
[distant sirens wailing]
- Unbelievable,
- Hey, look,
Oi,
What's your name?
- Jamie,
- Cristy, this is Jamie,
- Hi, Jamie,
I'm Crystal,
This is Chelsea,
And that fucking mess over there is Ruth,
- Oh,
Hello,
[vomiting]
- And who's that?
- Forget about her,
She's just an ungrateful bitch!
So, what are you in here for then?
- Multiple homicide,
Excuse me, Officer,
- Oh, it's Dennis,
[chuckles] And we're not really supposed
to talk to the suspects, so yeah,
- I need to talk to your boss,
- Look, I-- I can't really--
- We are all in danger,
[tense music]
You need to let me out there,
Please,
- Look, whatever happened to you, whatever you did,
You're safe now,
You're in a building full of highly trained professionals,
You're protected by the finest parts of British steel,
And as a last line of defense, you have me,
Nothing gets past me--
- Wahahaha!
Yeah, ho ho!
- [groans] Get off me!
Wanker!
- Making friends with the criminals are we again?
You know this one's a murderer, right?
Oh, she didn't tell you,
Oh, that's right,
It's because she didn't kill anyone,
It was the monsters,
You think appealing to his good nature
is going to get you out of here,
- Well, how about I show you my good nature?
- Oof!
[laughter]
- [clears throat]
Sergeant,
Constable, report,
- Everyone's been processed, all the paperwork is being filed,
and all the personal effects have been properly
stored and cataloged, I'm done,
Can I go to the party?
- Absolutely not,
You're still working off your punishment
for having failed your driving test again,
- I would have passed if it wasn't
for that maniac who cut me off,
- Yes, and they still haven't got that poor kid's bike
out from under the wheel arch,
- [grunts]
- Tough luck, mate,
- Yes, well, everything seems to be in order here,
Now, if you don't mind, I have a party to go to,
[smooth music]
- Don't worry too much, mate,
I have the perfect job just for you,
- [grunting]
- [snoring]
- You don't have to do that,
[upbeat music]
Ah!
- You know the drill, boys,
Well, if it isn't the Brothers Grimm,
- Oh, hey, Casey,
Whoa!
Hey,
I heard you needed some assistance,
- Yeah, what do you need?
I'm up for anything-- spitballing
ideas, formulating motives, [WHISPERING] testing theories,
- Mopping up,
- Mm-mm-mm
[pail clattering]
Ooh!
- Don't even think about it!
- Oh, yeah, thanks,
- I had to confiscate the whole lot from last month's
Renaissance fair,
- Wait, this is actually real?
- Razor sharp, so I'd appreciate it
if you don't spill any more blood on my floor,
- Speaking of which, uh, maybe you should get to it,
- [WHISPERING] Wanker,
[squelching]
- So, these are the victims of the monster?
Well, the only monsters I know are the ones
I put behind bars every day,
- [snorting]
- [sighs] Now, if you really want to help me,
this is the most interesting piece of evidence,
- Oh!
Wait, whoa is this the thing she was making all the fuss about?
- Dennis has a thing for the homicidal brunette in cell 3,
- Well, your new girlfriend said this thing
was used to summon a monster,
- Huh,
Well, I read the transcript,
Isn't this meant to be some kind of sword or something?
- Well,
[tense music]
It's some kind of a five-symbol combination lock,
[keyboard clacking]
[computer beeping]
The only problem is, there's about 45,000 potential
combinations,
- [whistles] That is one hell of a bike lock,
- But it's not unsolvable,
The symbols are a match for an ancient hieroglyphic writing
system,
Just like those found in the tomb of a long dead civilization
from ancient Mesopotamia,
- That checks out,
- You lost me at hieroglyphics,
- It's odd,
The entire civilization was wiped out about 4,000 BC,
It's a fascinating culture, though,
- Huh,
- They actually worship a deity from beyond our plane
of existence, one which they prophesied would bring
about the end of the world,
Oh, there's even some modern-day cults based on this stuff
- Yeah, one filled with mummy's boys and basement dwellers,
I bet,
[keyboard clacking]
So have you got the combination or not?
- Well, I've built a database from all the available source
material, and I'm running a decryption program,
That should identify the most likely combination of symbols,
- Oh, that will unlock this thing?
- Mm-hmm,
- Monsters or not, that thing screams
do not open in a demonic end of days kind of way,
- So I'm going to head to the party,
Rumor is there's going to be cake,
I thought maybe you'd want to come with me?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
See you later,
- You won't regret it,
[upbeat music]
[keyboard clacking]
[indistinct conversations]
[woman laughing]
[door opening]
[shutting]
- You wanted to sign off on the evidence from that drug bust
last week, - Oh, thanks,
Just leave it there,
- It turns out they were cutting the stuff with baking soda,
Greedy bastards,
Great for cookie, though,
- How did he get to this?
She was someone's baby girl once,
[sighs deeply] You do everything you
can to set them on the right path,
But in the end, all you can do is hope they turn out OK,
- Your boys are good kids,
They've got a good mum,
Tough act to follow,
[clicks tongue]
[chuckles]
Ain't just them boys that need your love,
We all do,
[door opening]
[horn tooting]
- Surprise!
[cheering]
- You do know it isn't my retirement for another month?
- Well, we only had the budget for one part of this quarter,
It was a toss-up between Halloween and Christmas,
[keyboard clacking]
[mysterious music]
[door banging open]
- Gov told me to take over,
Go and enjoy the party,
- Yes, mate,
- Just make sure that they save me a slice of--
[door slamming shut]
--cake,
[exhales]
- He's back,
Rent-a-cop,
[laughs]
- [mocks laughter]
[clears throat]
- Help!
Help, she's not breathing!
- [laughs] No,
- Get over here!
Fucking get over here!
Please!
Fucking please! - Oh, shit,
Uh--
- Come on! Hurry!
[keys jingling, lock clicking]
Fucking get over here!
Please!
- Stand back,
- Please hurry,
She's not breathing,
- Hey!
Hey!
[women laughing]
Can you just stop it?
If you stop it now, then I'll--
- Oh, woo!
- [groans]
- Can you just--
I need the keys,
- Ruth, come on!
Catch! - Ruth?
Ruth, is it? Give me the keys, please,
- Ruth, now!
- Ruth, if you do this, we'll just
forget the whole thing happened,
- Ruth, give me the fucking keys!
- [screams]
[tense music]
Fucking hell, Ruth!
You really are useless,
[keys jingling]
- What do you think you're doing?
- I'm getting the keys,
- You better not be trying to escape,
- That wouldn't really help my case, now, would it?
Besides, like you said, whether anyone believes me or not,
I'm safe now,
I don't plan on running,
- Well, I don't believe in monsters,
But for what it's worth, I believe you,
- [gagging]
- Careful, Romeo,
You know, she's a killer,
- Besides, we've almost finished decoding the combination
on that cool dagger we found in the cabin,
We'll know the truth soon enough,
- What?
- Uh, the keys?
Forget what I just said,
Get back to getting the keys,
- You can't be messing around with that thing,
- Forget what I just said,
The keys-- let's get back to that,
- You have to stop them, - How?
- Better than watching one of my soaps, sis,
[laughs]
- Wait,
What are you talking about?
- The Eldritch Blade,
It's a dagger or sword,
I don't know what it is,
But it summoned a monster that killed everyone at the cabin,
- Whoa, whoa, slow down,
We're just trying to figure out how it works,
Nobody's going to open it until we know what it is,
[dramatic music]
- [exhales]
[tense music]
Hmm,
[computer tones]
[sighs]
Hmm,
Fucking--
[ominous music]
[clicking]
Oh,
[mysterious music]
- [SINGING] For she's a jolly good fellow
For she's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny
For she's a jolly good fellow
[light flickering]
For she's a jolly good fellow--
- You were this nutter
- And I thought I was the one that was hammered,
[laughs]
- To anyone who's listening, you have to help us,
We are all in danger,
- Dennis?
What's going on?
- Uh, nothing, Larry,
We're all fine down here,
Thanks,
How are you?
- Coming back,
- No, there's no need to come back!
Larry?
- Ooh,
He's in trouble now,
- [SINGING] For she's a jolly good fellow
For she's a jolly good fellow
Which nobody can deny
[clicking]
[ominous music]
Say all of us
So say all of us
[clicking]
- Ouch!
[monster rasping]
[groaning]
[rumbling]
- Is this an earthquake?
[tense music]
- I don't like this!
- [snoring]
- Ah!
What do we do?
- It's already too late,
[man vocalizing]
[percussive music]
- [gasping]
- [laughs]
[women screaming]
[coughing]
- Are you OK?
- I think so,
Is everybody all right?
- I think I banged my head,
- [crying]
[slap]
Get away from me!
- Big Jenny all right?
- [snoring]
- Hey, you all right over there?
[ominous music]
I'll take that as a yes,
[monster growling]
Uh, what was that?
[door creaking]
[dramatic sting]
Ah!
- Sorry,
- [clears throat]
- This is Officer Larry,
We lost power in the holding cells,
Come in,
[screaming on radio]
Can someone please-- ah!
Ah!
[squelching]
- Larry?
Larry?
- Can't see a fucking thing,
- [chewing]
- [groaning]
[WEAKLY] Help,
Help me,
Oh, god,
[groaning]
- [gasping]
- H-- help me,
- Larry!
- Shh,
- [growling, munching]
- What are you doing?
- Shh,
I think it's blind,
[larry coughing]
If we all stay quiet, maybe we can--
- [screaming]
[dramatic music]
[splattering]
[screaming, growling]
[screaming]
- Help,
[screams]
[moaning]
Help me,
[screaming]
[squelching]
[keys jingling]
- Open up,
Open up!
[growling, gasping]
- [snarling]
[screaming]
- There's an emergency fire axe under the desk!
[dramatic music]
- [shouting]
- [munching]
- [grunts]
- [growling]
- [screaming]
- [growling]
[screaming]
- [roaring]
[somber music]
[ripping]
- [growling]
[panting]
Believe me now?
- Oh,
[vomiting]
- That was amazing,
- More like fucking incredible,
You just dropped your way out of a giant fucking slug,
- Yeah, and I threw up again,
- [sighs] I'm sorry I didn't believe you,
- None of us did,
Why would we?
No offense, but you did sound like a natural nutter,
- Guv?
Melvin?
Anyone?
Shit,
- Well, that's just fucking brilliant,
Cheers for that, love,
- She literally just saved your life,
- Don't you start,
None of us would even be here if it wasn't for you
and your fucking wedding,
- That's not true,
- Adults are talking,
Go find your bucket,
- There's strength in numbers,
There's the entire local police force upstairs,
We need to go and find reinforcements,
- And get eaten by another one of those things?
Nah, I don't think so,
We're staying here,
- You're so smart, babe,
- Ruth?
- Actually, I was going to go--
- Now,
- OK,
- Ruth, you don't actually have to go,
- Shh,
[door squeaking shut]
- All right, this isn't getting us anywhere,
Can we just please--
- Oh, here he goes,
Officer Sexy thinks he's in charge,
- Now wait a minute, I'm just trying to--
- Give it a rest, Crystal,
He's just trying to help,
- Trying to help? Like he helped--
- Yeah, trying to help,
Like I've even come across anything like it--
- Oh, you shut up,
- --train for this at the Academy,
- Listen to me!
I have already survived this thing once,
and I have every fucking intention of doing it again,
Dennis is right,
We cannot do this on our own,
We need to find the others, get our hands on the Eldritch Blade,
and send these fucking monsters back to hell,
[clapping]
- Little kitty's got a scratch,
But if you want to fight a monster, you need a monster,
- Um, sorry,
We'll be fine without you on this, OK?
- Little pig, little pig,
- Unnecessary,
- Are you sure?
- What do you guys think?
- I think he could be useful,
I mean, he looks strong,
- He looks dangerous,
What's he even here for?
- I don't know,
But he's got a bad reputation around here,
- Then he should stay locked up,
- I don't know,
- You should let him out,
He can't be any worse than what's outside,
[tense music]
- OK,
[clears throat, sighs]
[keys jingling]
[lock clicking]
[mysterious music]
- Your weapon,
[bones crack]
[running footsteps]
- Son of a bitch,
- Maybe he's gone to get help!
- Please come back,
- No!
Stop!
[tense music]
[lightning zapping]
[monster shrieking]
- What the fuck?
[crying]
[monster growling]
[lightning zapping]
Ah!
[sobbing] Help me,
- [growling]
- [screaming]
[screaming]
[monster growling]
[rock music playing on radio]
[tires squealing, brake squeaks]
- [sighs]
[distant alarm blaring]
[humming]
[car door slamming]
[cup clattering]
[ominous music]
- How much further?
- [shivers]
- Dennis,
- Sorry, sorry, I was just still thinking about--
- It even ate him whole, - I know, right?
In one bite, - Didn't even touch his sides,
- [whimpers]
- Guys, focus,
- Yeah, sorry,
The office is over here,
[door creaking]
No,
Ugh,
What the--
[tense music]
[gasping]
- No,
This was a mistake,
We have to hide,
We have to--
[screaming]
- [grunts]
- Melvin?
- Ow,
Thanks for that,
[banging]
You can come out now,
- [panting]
- Governor, you're OK!
- Why are the detainees out of their cells?
- Oh, oh, we were attacked,
Jamie saved our lives,
- Well, I'm glad you're OK, but we
need to remain in control of the situation,
[door opening]
- Ah!
- With all due respect, this isn't like anything
you've dealt with before,
- Well, ain't that the fucking understatement of the century,
- Sergeant, we need to keep a level head,
- You saw what it did to them,
Simmons, Davis, and Gordon,
- Bob,
Bob, Did they get Bob?
What about Bob?
- You're standing on him!
- Oh, yeah,
- [gagging]
- What did this?
- So much screaming and so much frosting!
- Sorry, did you just say frosting?
[splat]
- [growling]
- Oh, fuck!
[spraying]
Oh!
[screaming]
- Walter, no!
- [screaming]
[exclaiming]
[screaming]
- Oh, no,
Hey!
No!
- [growling]
- [screaming]
Oh!
[screaming]
- [laughs]
- Take this!
[explosion]
- Did anybody else see the--
- Monster cake?
Yeah,
- Oh, good,
It wasn't just me then,
- 90% baking soda,
Thank god for shitty drug dealers,
[DRAMATIC MUSIC, THUNDER RUMBLING]
- So the blade emerged after they turned these dials,
That's when the monster showed up and the whole nightmare
dimension thingy outside,
- But you used it to get rid of them,
if I have everything right,
- My boyfriend did,
He changed the combination, stabbed the monster, and poof,
everything went back to normal,
- Did you see the combination?
- Casey,
- Yeah, yeah, she was decoding it on the computer,
Maybe the answer's there,
- Then that's the plan,
[spoon rattling]
I say we take the fight to these bastards,
grab whatever weapons we have, and go
batshit crazy on their asses,
[thud]
- How much sugar did she put in that?
- I don't think that was sugar,
- Oh,
- All right,
We are going to fight our way to the forensics lab,
get the dagger, and put an end to this nightmare,
You're not the final girl anymore, Jamie,
This time, we all survive,
[exhales]
- Let us take this one, boss,
[soft music]
- [sighs]
I guess you aren't kids anymore,
- Don't worry, Mum,
We still need you,
You're gonna be with us every step of the way
- Melvin, look after your brother,
There are weapons in the lab,
Protect yourselves,
Stay safe,
- Don't worry,
We got this,
[dramatic music]
[growling, screaming]
- We don't got this!
We don't got this!
- Run, Preston!
- No, not yet,
[screaming]
[suspenseful music]
- Be ready,
Who knows what could be waiting for us inside?
On three,
1, 2, 3,
[shouting]
- Oh,
- Well, look who decided to finally show up,
- Chelsea!
You still alive,
- Blair, you're OK,
- Sit,
- I'm glad you're OK, Ruth,
- No thanks to you, leaving us to rot in that cell,
- You demanded to stay in there!
Look, this isn't gonna to us anywhere,
Where's Casey? - Who?
- Labcoat, goggles, has this cute, nerdy thing going on,
- We haven't seen her,
Oh, hi, I'm Ruth,
- Hi, Ruth,
I'm Melvin,
- Hi Melvin,
Are you OK?
- I am now,
- What?
- Really?
Really?
- Where's the Eldritch Blade?
- It was right here,
- We've got another problem,
Looks like someone smashed up the computer,
- Oh, what the fuck are we gonna do now?
- Ugh!
- Hey, let me take a look,
- I'm fine!
Sorry,
We were just so close,
- Um, excuse me,
I can probably fix that,
The motherboard seems intact,
I just need to repair some of the ATX cables
and then reseat the RAM module,
And a simple bios flash should be
able to restore whatever software was already running,
- Ruth, how do you know all this?
- Oh, I have a master's in computer engineering,
- Nerd,
[laughs]
- Then there's still a chance,
- Ready to fuck shit up?
- Hell, yes,
- We'll go find your friend Casey,
With any luck, she'll still have the Eldritch Blade,
- And if she doesn't have your weird dagger thingy?
- Oh, either way, we'll find it,
- Ah!
[groans]
- Blair, you stay here with Ruth,
Protect that computer at all costs,
- Who put her in charge?
- Shut the fuck up, Chelsea,
- Are you sure you wouldn't have been safer
staying with the others?
- Mum!
- Don't worry,
These guys bro with him,
- Ah!
- That doesn't fill me with confidence,
[computer humming, gasping]
- [laughs] You did it!
You're amazing!
[kisses]
- Oh,
[computer beeping]
This might take a while,
- At least I've got good company,
- [chuckles]
- I'm gonna go check the corridor,
- Babe, don't go,
Look what I just found,
- Save me some,
[door slams]
- Let's keep this hen party going, ladies,
[casey humming eerie tune]
- Casey,
- Shh!
- Hello?
- Casey, you in there?
- Come here, Melvin,
Come here,
- Oh, I don't think I'm allowed in the women's showers,
Remember we had that HR briefing about it,
- Melvin, I need you,
- Pfft, Trap,
- Oh, yeah,
- Well, we have to help her,
What if she's hurt?
- You go first,
We'll hide and watch your back,
- Why me instead of Davis?
- We need the strongest and bravest person
to take the lead on this one,
- Yeah, that's true, actually,
I should go first,
[grunting]
[thud]
- For protection,
[ominous music]
[water running]
- Casey?
Casey?
Are you decent?
- [SING-SONGY] Melvin,
[moans]
- Oh,
- Melvin,
Come to me,
[moans]
- Oh, this is a trap,
This is definitely a trap,
Oh, god,
- [moaning]
- Oh, god,
- Melvin?
Melvin,
- This is where I die,
- [moaning] Come to me,
[moans]
- Oh, it's a way to go,
Hi,
- Come to me, Melvin,
[moans]
- [moaning]
- You want this, don't you?
- Yes, I-- I would love that, thank you,
- Come here,
- No,
- Come to me,
- No, no, no, no,
- Come to me!
- I will come to you,
- Come to me,
Come,
[kissing]
- Ugh,
[gags]
[slobbering]
Melvin!
- [hisses]
- [screams]
- [babbling]
[intense music]
- Uh, what the--
oh, god,
- [growling] - [hissing]
- Oh,
Oh, no,
Oh,
Oh, god!
No, no, no!
Do something!
[chainsaw revving]
[melvin screaming]
[monster growling]
- Sorry,
Sorry, sorry,
[grunts]
[sighs]
- Oh, Casey,
I'm so sorry,
[screaming]
- [screams]
- Go, go,
Go, go, go,
- Ah!
- Go,
[computer beeping]
- Hey, I think you should come look at these,
[door opening, slamming]
- The ugly fucker has friends,
- What have you done now?
[popping]
[chittering]
[grunting]
[suspenseful music]
[thud]
- I'll sort this,
- Crystal, I really don't think you should--
- Let her take a look,
- Hello?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC, MONSTERS GIGGLING]
[screaming]
- [shrieking]
[growling]
[shrieking]
[flesh tearing]
- [screams]
[screaming]
- Oh!
- [rasping]
[laughing]
[rasping]
- [screams] - [screams]
[biting]
- [screams]
[growling]
- Ah!
Get off me,
- [growling]
- [choking]
- Ruth, Blair, come in,
- Hello?
Ruth, yeah, who is it?
- We have the dagger,
Please tell me you have the proper--
- Oh, hi, Jamie!
Oh!
- Die!
- [rasping]
- You got it?
- Almost,
Are you going to come back?
We could really use your help,
- We can't risk leading back to you,
He's obsessed,
- Did you get that, Mum?
- I'm on my way,
[monster growling]
- Yes!
Yeah!
[error tone]
- [growling, gnawing]
- You fat fuck,
Give it to me,
- [straining]
- Give it to me!
Give it to me!
- [growls]
[huffs]
- Oh, come on!
- Yes!
[patting hands]
- Woo!
- Go,
[yelling]
[creature rasping]
- Chelsea, let's go!
- Dennis, what happened in here?
- Later, Mum!
- Close the door, Close it!
- Close it,
[door slams]
Give me that,
- Do you have it?
[monsters growling, banging]
- You do it, - No, no,
You'll be quicker,
- Show me what to do,
- That one,
[clicking]
- OK, next,
- This one next,
- OK, we need to go faster,
- Just one more,
OK, yeah,
- Wait,
Something isn't right,
- What do you mean? We did it,
You have the dagger,
You have the combination,
Just enter it already!
- No, no, we can't hold this much longer!
- This doesn't add up,
Back at the lab, these symbols, they're
all part of a ritual, a sacrifice,
- Stop fucking around!
- Let her speak,
- At the cabin, you were the sacrifice,
But they didn't kill you,
- We really don't have time for this, Ruth!
- Guys!
- Blair, you need to trust me,
It's now or never,
- I trust her,
Do it!
[clicking]
[electricity buzzing]
[rumbling]
- I'm telling you, the whole thing is gone,
I'm looking at a dirty big hole in the ground,
[thunder crashing]
[rumbling]
[clears throat] Never mind,
[electricity buzzing]
[coughing]
[panting]
[suspenseful music]
- Did it work?
[mysterious tone]
We did it,
[laughs] We did it,
- We did it, - We did it,
- Oh, my god, yeah!
We fucking did it,
- No,
- I'm so proud of you,
Both of you,
[squealing, laughing]
- Oh, you're amazing,
You didn't,
You finished,
- I'm sorry I didn't believe you,
- Hey,
We did it,
You did it,
Jamie?
[ominous music]
- [gasping]
- You're safe now,
The thing can't hurt you anymore,
It's over,
[eerie breath]
- You're right,
I'm not afraid anymore,
But you should be,
- For fuck's sake, you two, let's--
[blood dripping]
[choking]
- Jamie!
- I was never Jamie,
[clicking, eerie music]
I am the destroyer of worlds, the neverending darkness,
the abyss at the edge of the universe,
basically, the mother of all monsters,
- [whimpering]
- Not so fast,
I want to thank you all for giving me back my power,
The Eldritch Blade was the only thing powerful enough
to imprison me,
And thanks to you, I'm finally free,
- Jamie, what the fuck is happening?
- Oh, sweet and simple Dennis,
How can I help you understand?
- She wasn't lying about the monster in the cabin,
There was a monster,
It was her,
- What happened to Jamie?
- Oh,
There was a girl called Jamie who went to the cabin,
- No! No!
Wait!
[chanting in latin]
[screaming]
[blood spilling]
- But she died there,
- [panting]
[thunder rumbling]
- Isn't there supposed to be some kind of monster?
- It should have worked,
I don't--
- Did we just kill someone for no reason?
[lightning zapping]
- Only in death, her body served a higher purpose,
Behind you,
- [grunting, screaming]
[coughing]
- [screaming]
[panting]
[ominous music, screaming]
[spattering]
- Oh!
- [growls]
- [screaming]
[sobbing]
[screaming]
- Oh!
Oh!
Oh,
[screaming]
[bones cracking]
- [sobbing]
[screaming]
- Shh, shh, shh, shh,
[flesh ripping]
Hey, sweetie,
Oh,
- [gasping] Jamie?
- Wait right there,
[intense music]
[clicking]
She really did love you,
- I loved her, too,
- [screaming]
[gasps]
- Jamie?
- What the hell have you done to me?
[chainsaw revving]
- [screaming]
- Somehow the fool found a way to bind me to this mortal body,
- Ugh!
- Whatever he did prevented me from using the dagger myself,
But my new, vulnerable flesh gave me an idea,
With Jamie's feeble body, I'd also gained her memories,
I just had to set the scene--
- Please, just come and help me,
- --and play the part of the traumatized final girl--
[sirens wailing]
- Hmm,
[camera shutter clicks]
- --bringing me right where I needed to be,
All I had to do was wait,
You humans are so curious, so easy to manipulate,
- I don't believe in monsters, but I believe you,
- We need the Eldritch Blade,
- You used it to get rid of them,
if I have everything right, - You changed the combination,
Everything went back to normal, You need to trust me,
- I trust her!
- Do it!
- Now that my powers have been unshackled from the dagger,
I will use this new form to plunge your world
into eternal torment piece by piece,
until all life on this planet ceases to be,
And I have all of you to Thank for the pain and destruction
to come,
[soft music]
- Let her go,
- Sorry, what was that?
- Let her go!
- [sobs]
- Ooh, look who finally found their voice,
A little late for character development, don't you think?
So--
- [gasping]
- --wanna go first?
[chainsaw revving, screaming]
- [laughs] Yes!
- You have the right to remain silent, bitch,
[ominous music]
- No,
- Well, that was rude,
[chainsaw revving]
- Ah! - Mum!
- No!
Damn it!
Take your brother and run!
[screaming]
[chainsaw revving]
- No,
- Not so fast, Dennis,
- You're going to fucking die for that,
- You should thank me,
I've spared your mother for what is yet to come,
You won't be so fortunate,
[dramatic music]
Time to go home,
[rumbling]
[zapping]
- Blair!
Blair!
Come on, get up,
We need to get up Blair,
Come on,
Go, go, go,
We gotta go now,
We gotta go now!
[screaming]
[zapping]
- Ugh,
[zapping]
- What the hell is happening?
Could somebody tell me what the fuck is going on?
Where's the inspector?
Dennis?
- She's dead,
They're all dead!
[sirens wailing]
- [panting]
[buzzing]
[somber music]
- This is all my fault, I knew something was wrong,
but I didn't put my foot down,
- No, it was my fault, I convinced you all to trust her,
- Oh, stop wanking each other off!
It's over,
Donnie,
Mum's dead,
Almost got eaten by a fucking cake,
You punched me in the face,
You are lovely, actually,
And you, the second I laid eyes on her,
I didn't trust a fucking city,
You didn't listen to me, You didn't fucking--
- All right, hey, - --listen to me, did you?
- All right,
All right,
- [sobbing]
- It's all about the Eldritch Blade,
- But we don't have it,
- Jamie, or whatever she's actually called,
told us the dagger trapped her in a mortal form, took away
her power,
- She was just as mortal as you and me,
- Exactly,
So all we have to do is get the dagger
and put it in the right combination this time,
- Then she turns back into being a plain old girl,
And--
- Then we kill the bitch!
- [laughs] Oh, yeah,
That's great,
How would you intend to do that without the combination?
- Because I have it right here,
- It was burned into my hand,
- The combination,
- The acid was on her the entire time,
- What?
- We get the blade, we put in the combination,
then we stab the bitch,
- Simple,
- OK, how do we get back in?
[suspenseful music]
- --around the world,
Scientists are baffled by the sudden and localized storms,
which appear unlike anything else in nature,
- Well, you weren't telling me what was going on,
- Live footage from this terrifying phenomenon,
Ladies and gentlemen, I can confirm
that the footage you are seeing is real,
The British government has ordered the deployment
of the armed forces to aid in the evacuation efforts,
with soldiers already being spotted
on the streets of several,
- We need to go through that,
[buzzing]
We need to go through that ball,
- How?
- Now, hold on,
There is no way that you're going--
- OK,
Everyone happy with the plan?
- Happy is a strong word,
- Wait, what am I supposed to do?
- Uh, go find help,
The army would be good,
- I'll see what I can sort out,
- Do you wanna drive, Dennis? - Really?
- Fuck off,
[revving, zooming]
[screaming]
[monsters shrieking]
[crashing]
[car system beeping]
- You've arrived at your destination,
- Oh, [coughing] nailed it,
[tense music]
- It's never this quiet,
- Yeah, we're normally running and screaming at this point,
- I like it,
The quiet, that is,
Not the running and screaming,
- We stick to the plan,
[thunder rumbling]
- She's got herself a little throne,
Let's do this,
[exhales]
[snapping fingers]
- Uh, I got an idea,
Oi!
- So you're the last hope for humanity then, a blundering cop
and his idiot brother,
- Don't talk about him that way,
- She was talking about you, mate,
- [sighs] You're already too late,
Soon the whole world will be mine,
- We're going to make you pay for what you've done,
- Aw,
Are we still upset about Mummy?
Oh, dear,
- [sighs] Don't talk about her,
- [laughs] Look, I do like our little chats,
but are we going to talk all day,
or should we get down to business?
- Oh, we were just playing for time,
- [grunts]
- Do it!
- Oh, shit,
[laughs]
[twirling]
- [grunts]
- Yeah!
- Oh, I actually caught it!
I--
- Surprise, motherfuckers!
- No!
- Did you miss me?
[grunting]
- [chuckles] Have some fun with her,
[laughs]
- Just go,
Go, go, go,
- Well, while they catch up, why don't you keep me entertained?
[clapping]
- [growling]
- Here's our friend I dreamt up for my little story
at the cabin,
It's only fitting that you should meet him in the flesh
so he can strip you of yours,
- [growling]
- I got your back, bro,
- I know,
- [growling]
- Oh, this should be fun,
- [roaring]
- Ruth!
- Help me!
- I'm coming!
Ruth!
- Isn't this nice?
The whole hen party back together again,
- Surprise,
- Not you, too, Crystal,
- [sighs] It's just like old times, babe,
- Yeah, except technically, we're now dead,
- Yeah,
My fucking neck is killing me,
- I'm sorry this happened to you,
I really am,
Just let Ruth go,
It's me you want,
- Oh, here she goes again,
It is always about you!
I've been your best friend since we were six years old,
- Maybe now's not the time for this conversation,
- And now you want to replace me with this nerd?
[laughs] I don't think so,
You are--
- Oh, my god,
Can you just shut the fuck up?
Can we just fight?
[suspenseful music]
- Yeah, with no weapons,
Just bare knuckle, bitch!
[clattering]
- You get her, babe,
- [shouting]
[grunting]
Ugh!
- Yes!
- A lucky shot,
- [growling]
[upbeat music]
- [grunts]
[grunting, growling]
- [grunting]
- [roaring]
[grunting]
[straining]
- [roaring]
- [shouting]
- I've always thought you should have been head bridesmaid,
Crystal,
- Shut up,
Wait, what?
- You've always been the prettiest and the smartest,
I know that you think that, too,
- Yeah, obviously,
- Are you really going to let Chelsea
take all the glory for herself?
[chelsea shouting]
[grunting]
- Wait here,
[shouting, grunting]
Wait a minute,
Look after this for me,
- Well, that was easy,
[intense music]
[grunting]
- Ah!
[groaning]
[straining]
- [roaring]
[grunting]
- [panting]
- Come on, girl,
- Ah!
- I didn't think you had it in you,
You're finally stepping up,
Too late,
But at least you'll die on your own two feet,
- Whatever happens to me, you're already dead,
- [chuckling] You know your problem, Blair?
You're so naive,
- [grunting]
[clicking]
- [growling]
[grunting]
- Ah!
[grunting]
Whoa!
[upbeat music]
- [shouting]
- [growling]
- [grunting]
Ah!
Ugh!
[straining]
[shouts]
- I'm afraid you're not going to make your wedding,
- Oi!
- Hmm?
- Heads up, bitch!
- Oh,
[thud]
- Wow,
- Catch!
- [exclaiming]
[grunting]
[panting]
- Well, that was fun,
Round two?
- I love you, man,
- I love you too, brother,
- Hey!
- [growling]
- Mind if we join the party?
- Are you OK?
- Yeah,
- [growling]
- [grunting]
- [growling]
- [grunting]
- [growling]
- No!
[dramatic music]
- I have lived for eons, consumed countless worlds,
I will not be defeated by a witless--
- Oh, shut the fuck up!
- [screaming]
[zapping, thunder rumbling]
[screaming]
- It's over,
- We did it,
[laughs]
- We did it!
Oh, yeah!
[laughter]
- Oh, she'd be so proud of you,
- Both of us, man,
- [laughs]
- This should have been yours to begin with,
How about it?
Have a bridesmaid?
- You're going to make me throw up,
- [laughs]
- No, I'm being serious,
- Oh,
- It's sad, really, when you think about it,
She was just a girl who got possessed
by a monster at a cabin in the woods,
It really makes you think,
- Yeah,
Should we get the hell out of here?
- Fuck yes,
[somber music]
- Well, what now?
- Therapy,
[laughter]
[shouting, chainsaw revving]
[guns cocking]
- Get down,
- Fire!
[gunfire]
- Hold fire,
- [gasping]
[thud]
[dramatic music]
- She's not going to get up from that now, is she?
- You brought help!
- I brought up the army, fella, yeah!
[laughs] The brass wants to speak to you two, yeah?
- I'm impressed,
You just closed a class IV dimensional incursion
with no training,
Who's in charge of this unit?
- My brother, Dennis Landry,
- Well, Inspector Landry, with limited resources
against all the odds, you just saved the world,
I represent a division of the armed forces which deals
with these kinds of threats,
We've been fighting a secret war against the monsters
for centuries,
What you faced tonight is nothing
compared to what's out there,
But now, with the Eldritch Blade in your hands,
we finally have a chance to turn the tide,
We need an experienced team who can face these threats head-on,
We need you,
So what do you say?
Are you ready to get started?
- Uh--
[villainest, "rapture"]
[SINGING] I never thought the world would end
I thought our love could last
I'm sorry all the things I promised
Never came to pass
A force of nature so complex
We'll never understand
But the rapture's gonna be a party
If you take my hand
I shoulda have noticed
And got me some recognition
For talent I can only assume I have
I gotta control this
Sign terms and align conditions
Perfection in my victory laugh
Now I'm ready to own it
Make short work of the competition
The world his got to learn to pay up
I never would have known it
The luxury only given
To those who have the time to wake up
Don't call me naive
It's not nice to make assumptions like these
I just want to live my life in peace
While friends surround me
I never thought the world would end
I thought our love could last
I'm sorry all the things I promised
Never came to pass
A force of nature so complex
We'll never understand
But the rapture's gonna be a party
If you take my hand
Apocalypse noted
My head can't relax, stay buried
When everything around it's on fire
I know I've been quotes
I told you that I'd be ready
That the end is something I have desired
But now that I'm shown it
The fault in what I believed in
I don't wanna face it alone
The future encoded
Locked tight in the highest building
One day we will claim as our home
One day we can lead a Fast &amp; Furious style family
And we'll drive into the sunset
With our fortune in the backseat, baby
I never thought the world would end
I thought our love could last
I'm sorry all the things I promised
Never came to pass
A force of nature so complex,
We'll never understand
But the rapture's gonna be a party if you take my hand
[somber music]