Mum, why don’t you have winter pants on?
THE MISSILE
No, no!
Wait here, Just don't go anywhere,
No!
Fucking hell! – I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, It was me,
I hope no one got hurt,
That goddamn window costs ten grand,
I made sure it was tied up,
With this?
Would it be okay if I came tomorrow to settle this?
I've got my kids in the car there,
Marja-Liisa! – What?
Get the details from this genius, Call Kalevi,
I can't stay, I've got a belt test,
Well, Come tomorrow, and we'll see,
I don't really know how it happened,
Yeah,
Yeah, I won't do anything,
I'm sorry,
Why don't you tell him to suck his dick?
It pisses me off when you just giggle with him,
You don't have to apologise, he's the shitass here,
I love that bow,
No, really,
Should we take that in a bit?
He used to beat you up, – Hush,
Hush what? – One moment,
It was my fault too, And he wasn't that bad,
Yeah, so he gets to strangle you
and kick your ribs in and your collarbone,,,
I told you, he's not that bad, be quiet now,
Well, you've got two years to learn
before he's released,
This goes round the thigh,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm late,
I'll just fix these and go to the laundry room,
What's that,,,
Your neighbour's Kerttu hit Jonna with her spade,
By accident, of course, Then they apologised both,
This is the third time this week,
it can't always be an accident,
Jonna must learn to defend herself, too,
You have to know when to say "don't",
I said to her "don't",
Good for you,
Mum! Hungry!
Mum! Didn't you hear? We're hungry,
Not potatoes again!
Hi,
I thought I'd work for you
to pay you back that way,
We have no work to offer you,
Hey, let that machine be! - I'll do anything,
I can write, too, – Okay,
There,
And yes, damn expensive, it was,
Hey, hey, Tyyne's working on that,
Janne, don't, not that paper,
Right then, thanks,
I'm sorry,
Alright then, which papers have you written for?
I wrote poems in high school
for a pony magazine,
And then I've written letters, kept a diary,
and one thing published in your paper,
A death notice, I wrote a rhyme for it,
I'm sorry,
At ease!
Right – dress!
Eyes – front!
At ease!
yesJa te ljublju,
I so love it when you fly on your back,
Did we get him laughing yet?
yesLittle piglets Hinku and Vinku wondered
yeswhere Watergoblin was hurrying with his tangle-tail,
yesWatergoblin sniffled alone on the shore,
yesThe considerate piglets gave Watergoblin
yesa comfort flower,
Virpi does our accounting,
Tyyne foreign news and ads,
Right, Well, Esko's made a mess here again,
Numbers and titles from here,
They need to be just right,
Another bloody fight at City Council,,,
Do I have to call a guard or the police?
Throw me out after a couple of weeks
if I'm of no use,
Do I have to go down on my knees?
For God's sake, don't!
Plenty to do in the archives, I've got this bad back,
For God's sake, don't,
Seat secured, – Well?
What is it?
You got your period or something?
It's alright, neither have I, - Just leave it,
You try to cheer up your mate
and see a face like an elephant's cunt,
"Calves got loose esc aped from the paddock,
someone had left the gate open,"
Jesus Christ, what a load of crap,
Who gives a shit?
Coffee,
Oopsie-daisy,
You girl, listen,
Come and wipe this off,
You got paper towels here? - For God's sake,
In the toilet, for sure,
Fuck, what a heartburn,
So what do I,,,? – Come on now,
Our dog Musti could handle this, and so can you,
Go, go now!
If nothing else helps, show him your cleavage,
Feminine wiles,
Go, go!
Hi, – Hi,
Is that your tractor there?
It's mine, yes,
Should you get a pencil?
I'll go and ask,
"Matti Nevala stood in the snow
like a lonely, grieving advent candle,
He looked sorryfully at his melancholic tractor
that longed for home,"
What a hell?!
Tractor…
…into the ditch…
No bloody poems, only what happened!
Just what happened, and where!
Christ on a bike! But this is good,
Or at least good enough,
Can I go now?
You thought you'd pay back the ten grand with this?
No, but I've got my sister's wedding so,
Could you pay me something in advance?
Oh, in addition to you paying for that window
you want me to pay you for writing me pony poems?
Goddamn this, too,
Well, write some story then,
A filler for the holiday issue,
Some 400 words, and we'll then see what happens,
About that wedding? - No, make up some story!
Some piece of news,
But write just what, where, when, who, and so on,
Surely you can't just make up news,
Nothing happens here anyway,
Last year's most-read story was about
Aimo Pirttikoski losing a sock in the hole
in the ice at the Yläkemijoki ice fishing competition,
Alright,
Merry bloody Christmas then,
Thanks, - Say hello to the kids,
Thanks!
Lovely socks,
Christmas killing!
Illu!
Illu! – What?
Check the radar! - Oh shit!
Unidentified target from bearing 045, altitude 2600,
Target flying into heading 225,
Scramble Charlie seven two,
Charlie 72, calculating target's flight path,
Climb to 3000, Increase speed to Mach One,,
Target from bearing 045, Heading 225,
Nothing in sight here,
I got it now, I'll be on its wing soon,
Fuck, they fly low,
Faster, Mum! – Faster!
They fell asleep,
Mum! Where are our toys?
Marke and Raija came over,
I hope they won't be staying for too long,
yes,,,the US-Soviet began in Geneva
yesone month ago on limiting
yesthe medium-range nuclear weapons in Europe,
By Finnjet from Travemünde,
The trip dragged on a bit as,,,
yes,,,that the actions of small states
yesand the ordinary citizens' will for peace
yescan also influence international events,
Did any of you hear the bang?
Oh hell! Mother, I got my period!
Christ's blood! – She had her mensas, – Put this on,
Help, - I won't! What's that?
Raija, help me, - Get away, I won't put that thing on,
There's the Karelian spell, Stop the blood,,,
Blood from bleeding,,,
No, get me that pad now, really,,,
Kaisa, I'll check if I've got any,
Check quick, - Rabbit pelt's the best option,
The spell's better, - We had some in that cupboard,,,
How's it possible?
A house full of women and not one menstrual pad,
How about this? - No, I won't use any such thing,
You've got to use something, – Put that…!
yes,,,in disarmament efforts, and especially
yesin the pursuit of reducing nuclear stockpiles,
What's this? - Well what does it look like?
No way in hell do I want to read this now,
You can't go to court with him,
he'll squash you,
You always start to cry
and then he accuses you of everything again,
We have the medical report, He can't get the custody
while he sists in prison, for God's sake,
Tapio will roast her,
Niina doesn't know how to defend herself,
Niina, you're like a worm
that can be run over with a bike
and you go: "Splat, I'm minced meat,"
For fucking real: my wedding starts in an hour,
I don't want any fucking divorce dispute!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to,,,
Don't fucking always apologise!
And you've got to film it, - I don't know how,
Don't be so helpless, Woman, learn it!
Janne pinched me! - Jonna started it!
Go and see where Pa is,
You can't see partisans at all at first,
You remember what they did to Grandma, don't you?
Hey Dad – don't!
Pekka, careful with your suit,
Well now, what? - Let's go inside,
Let me now, I'll look at it,
It must be hard to be at other people's wedding
as your own marriage turned so ugly,
And you press that,
How can you ever love anyone any more?
Hey, Those high heels make you
tall and nice, Hilkka,
By the way, did any of you heard
a crazy bang the day before yesterday?
Jussi, join us on elk hunts too, - Sure I will,
Tapio was in your elk posse too, right?
Now who are in your posse?
Esko Nivala, at least, and,,,
Did anyone hear a,,,
Did you hear
that Niina got a job at Lapland News
and already wrote her first story?
Tapio will want to see the children, won't he?
That is one bige sausage,,, There,
Niina, what was the story about?
Tell us, tell us, – Tell us,
A tractor had driven into a snowbank in Ranua,
Good that you were there
so we got to know that important piece of news,
It is difficult to get to study journalism,
When I went to study psychology,
it was really difficult,
And Tapio will be here soon,
You'll have to start to think about,,,
Now, mother! – What? Jorma Kuoksa told me,
that he'll be out soon, didn't you know it?
For good behaviour, I heard, – Come and play!
Did you take those out of Grandma's sewing box?
Listen, I've been terribly sad
and bothered about your bunny,
No one fed it,
Well, I was eight, Kaisa five,
Aarne maybe one,
One time when I came home,,,
It was barely alive,
So I killed it,
Put it out of its misery,
Asta won't manage there alone,
You mean you killed Mussu?
Well, what?
No, it's just that Hanski just told me
that she killed Mussu, – What?
You mean…
Wasn't it with Dad when it died?
What, does he wear a diaper or what?
Maybe it was one of her stupid gaslightings again,
Let's not tell Kaisa about it
so it won't ruin her evening,
What's that crowd?
Nazi swine,
Hey, for real now, Focus, you can do this,
Right, hi, Esko,
I think I found a story I could write,
So would you call me tomorrow to 7-5-2…
yesNorwegian radio has just reported
yesthat a Soviet cruise missile
yesstraying off its course had flown
yesover Finnish and Norwegian territory on 28th,,,
Don't turn it up, don't,,,
yesWe will get a report from Ulla-Maria Johansen in Oslo,
yesThe Norwegian Defence Forces believe
yesit was a Soviet tactical cruise missile
yeslaunched from a ship at,
yesentering Norwegian airspace
yeson Friday last week,,,
Father, it's some misunderstanding,
There's nothing to worry about,
Now late Pekka Råberg sunk his snwmobile
in that swamp and, and there,,,
Morning,
Any of you hear that really loud bang
on the night between Friday and Saturday?
If you'd finally give me that kiss
I'd see that you get a bang,
I heard that Aune Feodorov
had seen the meteorite,
Thanks,
Hanski,
May I use the phone? – Morning,
One moment, please, - May I use the phone?
There's no way I can let you call from here,
Asta? May I use the phone?
Don't give her anything now,
Since we can't know for sure what it is
we'll call it for the time being
an unidentified flying object,
The Inari UFO,
Major, sir, – Who are you?
First Lieutenant Repola, Lapland Air Command,
Perhaps we should be prepared for everything,
Now, if it is a medium-range cruise missile,,,
First Lieutenant Repola,
Dismissed,
Get going,
Major, sir,
Your father shat on the tape player last night,
We put Souvarit on so he calmed down a little,
Asta there put it in this plastic bag,
It should be washed in the back room there,
You can then make your call,
Right,
Hi,
What?
Nothing, I just said hi,
Well, hi,
They're having a meeting in there,
I'm sorry,
It wasn't me, it's my father's shit,
This thing played Modern Talking's
"You're My Heart, You're My Soul"
and he hates it,
Hey!
What's happened here?
Your things are on my father's grave there,
Take them away,
What? - Take your tools off that grave,
Why? They have to be somewhere,
Take…
Your dad's not around to see them, is he?
Niina Kuittinen here, hi Aune,
Oh, Hi, hi…
I'm sorry, I can't speak Sámi,
Aarne!
How come you speak Sami?
I had a Sami girlfriend,
My sister is doing a story for the newspaper,
I guess you'll want to hear about the meteorite,
Everyone got the S-300 in front of you?
V-82 warheads,
Who's got the info on them?
If it had been fired from a Tupolev
our radar system would surely have detected it,
That, that also supports
a launch from a submarine,
Forget the fucking submarines now,
that's not where it came,
Well, like hell I won't forget them,
See, we got the info that it's not possible,
But it's not,,, – Bloody idiot!
What did you say? – Bloody idiot,
You will apologise,
The microfilms will take some time
as they come from Helsinki,
I wonder if I got my underwear on backwards,
doesn't fucking fit at all,,
Plenty of room in front so that my balls hang
like Christmas balls and too tight at the back,
Rolling up in my crack all the time,
But he said it's some flying object,
What if it was an SA-5?
It's not, they would've said so,
You saw it on the radar yourself,
Yes, but radars are,,,
What radars are,
It can be one, - Can't be,
It can be, - Can't be,
They said that…
Well sure it can be,,, - It can't be,
You're it,
Kai is it!
yesThe Border Guard still hides the info,
yesthe exact number of searchers has not been,,,
Hanski!
yes,,,or what they are looking for in the terrain,
yesPeople here have wondered
yeswhy the locals weren't warned at all
yeswhen the foreign flying object disappeared
yesfrom the radar screen last Friday,,,
Now I've interviewed all the locals,
My, but this place is packed,
So many Majors
ja mingeid kindrali-asjapulki ka,
So this must be pretty serious,
Vodka and scotch, and sautéed reindeer,
Now we have to find out
what type of missile it was
and if it remains intact,
But still…
It points at…
Hi,
Are you alright?
How did that happen? – Here you go,
I'm sorry,
And thank you,
May I intercourse you…
I mean, interview?
Thank you,
Why did Aune's house almost blow up,
and she says the light still stings her eyes?
And why did the Drakens fly so low,
or were they the Soviets' own planes?
The fact that they flew so low could mean
that it was a medium range SA-5 type missile,
They fly very close to the ground
and aerodynamically they…
Why are the First Lieutenants here
and why don't the authorities say anything?
Is it intercontinental?
Does it have a nuclear warhead?
If it was an SSN-3 type missile,
it too could in theory carry a nuclear warhead,
There's certainly not a nuclear warhead!
For God's sake!
You see, I was thinking
that we'll do a lighter story, like,
Interview a taxi driver, for instance,
and ask him what's it like to drive
the Army guys and foreigners around,
What they think about us Finns and…
We could be facing a major disaster,
And you want a story about what
some foreigner think about us?
People are interested in
who are these folks buzzing around here,
Half of Lapland's population
may get serious radiation damage,
and with that wind direction,
some Swedes too,
But we won't write that sort of gloomy stuff,
Not until we know for sure,
Let's interview the locals first,
Well, I already did, I told you so,
Well, we won't write anything
about the nuclear warhead thing at least,
Was it three or two-bladed?
Two, see, a really old thing,
And it had, as they used to… - Hi,
E400 had to wind it around the wheel
every godforsaken time by hand…
Niina Kuittinen from Lapland News, hi,
A couple of questions about that missile,
Is it possible that it carried a nuclear warhead
and what type of a missile do you think it was?
Why does such a pretty girl ask so difficult questions?
Alright, boys, let's all ht the sack,
Night,
Hi, - Jonna has had a bad day today and Pa's
been wanting to go into the potato cellar all evening,
Oh yes, they found your makeup bag,
How about tomorrow? – I need to see the dentist,
I'd have to do a couple of interviews tomorrow,
We can't leave Pa alone now,
And you have to be here with the children,
Can't you take them along?
This is really important now,
You mean I'm to take care of the clients
and take Pa and the children to the dentist?
No, I don't have the time, we're on our honeymoon,
Welcome, And…
Yes, thank you,
We got journalists here today from Germany,
Sweden, Norway,
They are TV people, the BBC and NBC are coming,
And they will need helicopters,
See that you don't get in their way,
But you're not in the way,
You can come to the sauna with me and Jaakko,
Yeah, no, it's just a bit of humour,
Enjoy your sauna,
You do know that I was
in the Intelligence during the war, don't you?
,,,sweats so much as this,,,
Any room for one veteran?
Oh, right, sure,
Väyrynen, – Who?
Minister Väyrynen, – How you doing here, boys?
Looking good,
Paavo,
You were in my dreams last night,
Repola will remember
that the idenfication flight visibility was zero,
It was a bit dark there, but in the main,,,
Visibility was zero, no observations was made,
Right,
Tervist, ja tere tulemast Soome,
You know each other too, – Yeah, Reino is my Pa,
What? – Nothing,
I'm sorry, I didn't recognise
that it was you who helped me
as you're not wearing anything now,,,
Or you are, but with no sleeves
and the uniform had those sleeves,
Hi, Right, those foreigners
have rented a large Finnair plane,
You left your towel, sir, – Thanks,
Greetings from the sauna, – Thanks,
yesThe Norwegian PM Kåre Willoch
yesconsiders the case very serious,
yesIt has come to light that he was informed
yesof the missile as early as 28 December,
yesThe search is ongoing,
yesbut it is highly unlikely that we will find
yesthis unidentified flying object,
yesSo you're not talking about a missile?
yesWe can't know for sure what it is,
yesBut several different experts have commented
yesthat it was a missile,
yesWe can't know for sure,
on raketi pärast mures,
„lendavaks objektiks“ nagu UFOt,
Aga miks?
et sellele ei tohi lähedalegi minna,
kas see võib tuumalõhkepead kanda,
yesHappy hour,
Kas norralased teavad selle mudelit?
They are testing our defences
and our reaction speed,
And NATO's reaction speed too
to see if they can attack us just like that,
Is the Russian ass so sweet
that we have to lick it?
This will not end well, no,
oma riiki tungida,
ja sellepärast me neid lakumegi,
Jah,
So, what did they say?
Yes? - I guess I can't talk to you
as you're writing that story,
Then the payback is we're going down here,
And fast,
Who do I have to call about this?
Could you just make sure
no one stores any stuff
or spits on my father's grave?
Of course he is,,,
You think he'd be lying alive there in the graveyard?
Hi, is this Radiation and Nuclear Safety Authority?
Right, I'm looking for a person called Mailis Ahmo,
nuclear physicist,
yeskukkus Gröönimaal alla,
yesMissile doughnuts 2 marks
Hey, we could write about these,
Could the Russians have shot it down themselves?
This is good! Marja-Liisa has written
many stories with recipes…
I heard that a couple of fighters
took off in Rovaniemi to chase it,
It is obvious that the Finnish government is lying,
These are awfully good,
How come Mauno spoke about cruise missiles
a couple of days later in the President's speech?
And he didn't know, a coincidence?
What are you laughing at?
A nuclear war is no laughing matter,
A good journalist can't be paranoid,
You've got sugar,,,
A good journalist can't hide from the truth
behind some doughnuts
or socks in a hole in the ice either,
Want me to tell you what's paranoid?
The old and stiff leadership of the East,,
And their nuclear equipment is at least as old,
An accidental nuclear war
would be a pretty shitty thing,
The Radiation Safety Board
would have issued several warnings
if there was anything, - I called them,
and I was told to look up
the Thule accident in Greenland in 1968,
Listen, these could really make a good story,
Do you know the people who make these?
Doughnuts always have their own little secrets,
Right, what about Iceland?
Greenland,
One Yank plane with nuclear weapons
made so long flights
that one of the pilots wanted
a rubber pillow under his ass
so it wouldn't go all numb,
One flight got cold like hell
and they raised the temperature,
The ass cushion caught fire,
and with it the whole plane,
Yeah, and then it crashed down on the ice,
loaded with four 1,1 megaton hydrogen bombs,
Plutonium spilled all over, and whoopsie-daisy,
Then they had to clean up like hell,
And now the Danes who were dragged there
to clean up the contaminated snow,
we'll see what happens to them,
Oh, hell!
We can't print gloomy stories ike that,
No, Esko, that's what we have to do!
This is a perfect example
of what the existence of nuclear weapons means,
That all we outsiders get involved,
The Hiroshima atomic bomb was 13 kilotons,
You can now calculate how much powerful
these one-megaton hydrogen bombs were,
Yeah…
One… two…
Hundred times,
Of course it's possible
that it didn't have a warhead,
but it's still a missile
fired by another country
into our independent country in peacetime,
Do you use any conditioner?
Your ends are totally dry,
Not so fast!
Goddammit!
Thanks,
My ear's totally flattened,
You drive the mail, don't you?
Sure I do,
Well, did you see it?
I didn't really see anything,
It's perfectly clear
that someone has shut him up,
Yes, yes,
Well I don't care if it was
Niskala's moonshine vodka still that exploded,
We were still the first
to print eyewitness accounts,
Hey! You can use the tape recorder to make notes,
I'll show you,
Press here, and here,
yesThe Kemijärvi women stay on my mind
yesChristmas comes ding-a-ling,
yesthe reindeer feel like shitting…
If it had been just the moonshine
that one wouldn't be sitting there,
yesWestern media and politicians have continued
yesto reflect on the missile incident,
yesJesse Jackson,
yesthe US human rights leader visiting London,
yescalled the incident a serious warning to humanity,
yes"If the missile had flown towards the US,
yescomputers would have launched a retaliatory strike
yesand the world would've been drawn into nuclear war,"
Care for a walk? – What?
Care for a walk?
I heard a thud and then I heard CHOOOOOI,
If the radars can see 800 km across the border
I guess it must've been detected here in Finland
long before it crossed the border to our side,
Was it shot down like on purpose here in backwoods?
And who shot it down, maybe the Russians themselves?
Well, can you at least tell me if it had it?
Had what? - Well, the nuclear warhead,
Did you come for a walk with me
just to snoop on that stuff?
Well, did you come for a walk with me
just because you want
To be very honest, then yes, I really do,
Then you should go out with someone else,
not a single parent like me,
Well, I don't mind,
Oh, What? - If you have kids,
I don't mind either that you don't,
How can you tell I have kids or not?
Well, you can see that a mile away,
Niina, should you be more at home now
and not run around there in the village?
So I shouldn't work anymore?
My little Nina!
This story you wrote is really good,
Oh yes?
It's just a bit difficult
when you can't write all you know,
Peel these potatoes while you're at it,
Hi, Esko, I need to stay home today because,,,
Right, Bye,
Here comes the big beast!
Good, Janne!
He's getting good at this,
Bend your knees a bit,
Lovely tassels,
The shrapnels are moving, - I'll bring the net,
Niina, move over,
I need to poop,
yesThe bear is sleeping, in his winter den…
That was fine,
You're not listening! - I did listen!
yesThe Border Guard is prepared to call off
yesthe search unless something new comes up,,,
yesI saw the Kemijärvi women on the pier,
yesone of them had her butt backwards,
yesAnd I slipped on the soap…
Mum,
This is broken, can you do something?
You need help? - No, I don't,
This is,,, Show me, Jonna,
I'll go into the kitchen,
No you won't, I've just vacuumed it,
Johanna said that all winter gear is sold out,
especially the silver overalls,
I guess they think it can shield from radiation,
And Taxi Pena said he's got more rides now
than in ten years,
And the journalists have wanted to go
towards Lake Kivijärvi,
Why there? - I don't understand it either,
Because Jussi, didn't you say
that the target disappeared over Lake Rautujärvi?
Huh?
yesThe Soviet Union has admitted
yesthat a flying target straying off its course
yesduring a practise shoot has possibly
yesviolated Finnish airspace last Friday,
yesThe Soviet Ambassador to Finland V, M, Sobolev
yespaid a visit to Foreign Minister Paavo Väyrynen
yesearly this evening
yesto express his government's regrets
yesat the incident,
That's a Rocket Trout, They've created a Missile Menu,
Now they apologise,
They've never apologised for anything before,
Bullshit, There's something they're not telling us,
And it was no target missile, my ass,
And even if it was, how come such a big bastard
can suddenly disappear and run away?
Such thing can happen,
You mean: "Oops, we lost a missile,
can we please get it back?"
It was a show of force,
Mida see tähendab?
Venelased paluvad vabandust,
Vabandust?
et rakett laskis kogemata kaabet,
ütles täna Inglismaa ajalehes,
et lõhkepeaga varustatud rakett oli teel…
Mis see on?
Raketikala,
Hea küll, Igatahes… Hamburgi,
Rakett olevat olnud teel Hamburgi,
Weinberger väidavad,
ja pole teada, kas see kandis tuumapead,
Did you hear that, Esko? – Yes,
Tell him that trout comes from Lake Inari,
See järv on väga-väga sügav,
Aga head kalad,
kokka intervjueerima,
Mida?
Niina,
The missile wasn't heading for Hamburg, was it?
You can tell me that much,
Well, hardly,
It must be found as we don't know
if it's clean,
If it were a four or five megatonn
nuclear warhead,
and if it had exploded above some city,
it would have set fire
to something like 1,500 or 1,800 square kms
and those, who,,,
Did your hair get caught in your bag?
Yeah,
My kids' faces would have peeled off,
People would've melted into sticky black slime,
A cloud of smoke would've risen into the stratosphere
and stayed there for at least ten years,
You wouldn't be able to grow anything on the ground,
No food, no potatoes, no nothing,
Want to dance?
Like enjoy life to the max before nuclear war?
No, wait, – What?
Come here,
Off, Take it off!
May I try that on? - What?
Your professional jacket there,
Go ahead,
Did you know about the Russian submarine
lost in Swedish waters three years ago?
That it was loaded with nuclear weapons,
We don't know it it carried nuclear weapons,
Well what about when the Yanks
"accidentally" dropped down
four of those MK-28 hydrogen bombs?
And then three of them were found
in some fishing village in Spain,
and plutonium got spilled
over a few square kilometres,
You know? – What?
You know, your nuclear weapons talk is,,,
Oh, it's not hot and not for bed?
You know, I got a definite feeling
that some people find it hot,
What? - Admit it, you like war games,
I think the thing is that it just ran away from them,
Why didn't they then apologise immediately and say
they're sorry but they've made a terrible mistake?
It would've been such a big loss of face right away
and unpredictability gives you the upper hand,
Or perhaps they just hoped that no one would notice
and the whole thing would somehow melt away,
By the way, did you now how the Yanks,,,
Shit, no!
One of those nuclear bomb melted
into the plane carrying it,
It was in Morocco in '58,
You like to blast away,
"I'm pushing these buttons here, There, phut, phut!
I'm king of the hill, everyone else is dead,"
Admit it,
Or then it's about wanting to protect,
And who's "we"? – And then you go:
"Whoopsie-daisy, the whole human race became extinct
because we wanted to protect it a bit,"
What if there's an accident?
Well, you just have to hope
that such a terrible accident won't happen,
And to forgive,
You know, you shouldn't be immediately provoked
and think that you're under attack somehow,
But there won't be anyone to forgive anymore,
And you don't always have to understand
and forgive anyway,
You don't really think it was an accident, do you?
Should we kiss?
Why haven't you opened that?
It's from my father,
Let's open it!
He died a month ago,
Huh? Oh, shit,
You open it, We weren't on the best of terms,
Well I can't open it and you've got to open it,
It's not so,,,
that we men are us and you women are you,
That's not what I meant, - So what did you mean?
Just that people don't talk enough about the fact
that some people really like war,
Some people love conflicts and violence,
Niina…
Right,
This is not a simple case,
The Soviet apology is,,, It's a Russian apology,
I've asked nuclear physicist Mailis Ahmo
from the Radiation and Nuclear Safety Authority
to come here just in case
it is not just a target missile,
Mailis is extremely respected,
President Koivisto awarded her
The Cross of Liberty last year,
But we have solid info
that it has no nuclear charge,
I'm sorry,
The plane was late,
So,
We have two options,
If it happens to be a basic cruise missile,
It has either landed relatively intact
with no environmental hazard
or it has broken apart,
In the latter case it is possible
that very small amounts of plutoonium
or uranium may have leaked out,
What does this small amount mean in practice?
Right, so we have alpha radiation,
in practise these quite heavy particles
with helium core,,,
What fucking Soviet spy have you brought here?
I am Estonian, - So, a Soviet,
Estonian, - And she defected about ten years ago,
And then we have beta radiation,
So-called beta particle, that's a bit more pervasive,
If you get one of those on your skin,,, – What then?
Wasn't it seen flying over a lake?
You can't actually detect it with radiation meters,
because the alpha and beta coming out of it remains
trapped in a small amount of water around it,
Shouldn't we now focus on something
completely else than this sort of baloney?
What is your reliable source of information
you're talking about, Keinänen?
If it has crashed on land,
the greater danger would be
plutonium dust or small particles
escaping into nature
and people could get it in their system
from fish or reindeer, etc,
We need to check the speed of northeasterly wind,
I've eaten that Rocket Trout
from that lake every day,
Say that the speed is 2-3 metres per second,
map the fallout, and then evacuate,
For Gods sake, we won't evacuate
thousands of people just in case,
With BBC and the ABC out there
and all the world's cameras pointing at us!
Let's hope it lies there in the sediments,
But if it's badly damaged
it may also explode when raised,
And that's a major catastrophe,
Right, Should we start evacuating already today?
No fucking way!
Like I said, we have solid info
that there's no nuclear charge!
Right, from the Soviet Union itself,
We can't rely on what they say themselves,
And you are?
First Lieutenant Repola, Lapland Air Command,
Fighter Squadron 11,
I was on that identification flight with zero visibility,
If a European paper says
that the missile headed for Hamburg, shouldn't we,,,
That's fucking Weinberger just stirring
up cold war propaganda, nothing more,
Repola,
By the way, I once calculated just for fun
how long Europe would last if a nuclear war broke out,
Here is Finland,
And here is Europe,
Now, suppose the Soviet Union starts it,
and sends from Kaliningrad,,,
We don't have time to doodle around,
That would cost two or three million lives,
It would've taken twenty-five minutes,
Forty-five minutes
and the Americans would be targeting the big cities,
And so would the Russians,
About 85 million people would have died,
In three hours, 90 million people,
Europe would virtually stop existing,
But that's all right for the superpowers,
But this isn't any nuclear plant accident,
And they are perfectly safe too,
There's never been any accidents,
So let's just take take this calmly,
Thank you, Mailis,
Dad's in the living room,
He came for breakfast,
Coffee? – Yes, please,
You take sugar? - Yeah,
I'll go and get it then,
I heard about Reino, – Niina,
We've been talking all morning
and Tapio said how sorry he is about everything,,,
I'll get you the sugar,
I sold a couple of big paintings,
Let me explain,
Haven't you explained enough already,
Right, Here's the sugar,
Want some cookies? – Yes,
Darling,
Cookies,
I'm not the same man anymore,
Come,
I'm sorry,
So,
I'll get the vase,
You are forgiven,
Thank you, dear,
Your hair has grown,
Yes, it has, It has a perm,
Daddy's become nice, He said so,
Children, shall we go to the kitchen?
Yeah, go with Grandma,
Right, and bring all the toys!
Janne!
I'll leave the cookies here for you,
Don't do that, that's so unfair,
Whose is that,,,
Who let that piece of shit in?
Kaisa… - Oh my!
Tapio!
Kaisa! - Don't!
Let go! - Darling, put the flowers in the vase!
Let go! - Or they will die,
This thing again!
Don't! – Mother!
Solve your own problems yourself!
Can't you see he won't ever change? - Mum!
Kaisa!
Open this!
Niina!
Fuck!
You fucking idiot!
Yes, go right ahead and be mad at me, dammit!
You just don't want that shit to feel bad
so you never say no to him!
You just waste your life
being loyal to someone like that, – Like that?
He's the father of my children, – So what?
So I have to try, - What do you have to do?
Understand, – Understand!
Stop that understanding
as you don't fucking understand yourself,
I had a sex dream about you last night,
Oh, about me?
Chivas Rekala, please,
Niina,
I'd say that you'd better stop this playing around,
Excuse me, what playing?
So you can concentrate on downhill sledding
and let us men take care of this,
People have to know,
People or you?
Does this thing interest you or the people?
Listen, most people coudn't care less
about anything except their own lives,
Yeah, but weapons of mass destruction are a bit,,,
Nuclear weapons don't interest people,
No one wants to think about death
or mass destruction,
We want to live under the illusion
that it doesn't exist,
That such great evil does not exist,
Let it be,
What if it had hit some city?
But it didn't,
Or a passenger plane,
No, It can't hit anything like that,
All this is just useless speculation,
Accidents happen, these things happen,
This has never happened
to any other country in peacetime,
Not to Sweden, Germany, Norway,,,
Sometimes it's just better to be quiet,
As if nothing had happened,
You don't want a war, do you?
Quite a dickhead for a man,
But Norway was immediately like, "Not this shit,"
Yes, but they don't have
1,300 kilometres of border with them,
Such aggressive border defence is not a good thing,
Some will crash borders
however clear you make them,
My Pa died,
And then my ex got out,,,
Or he came back
and wants to get back together,
I'm sorry for your loss,
And what do you want?
Do you want him back?
It's not that simple 'cause we have the kids,
And then there was all sorts of stuff,
Or nothing serious, I mean,
Hey! Well, what the f,,,
For real now! Now you have to open that,
No,
I hadn't talked to him in two and a half years,
I made it too clear where the boundaries are,
And then he fucking died,
Hi,
What?
We need to talk,
Niina, - Yes, Esko?
You can't continue at Lapland News any longer,
I just did an awesome interview
with the nuclear physicist Mailis Ahmo, she,,,
No way!
Marja-Liisa will take it from here,
Let's say that the debt is now paid off,
What did they threaten you with?
Go home, Niina,
The kids must be waiting for you already,
And then there was that, what was it now?
The ballic and vulnerable scenarios,
Alright, oh damn,
Oh shit,
Mashed potatoes and lingonberries,
Lingonberry lingonberry lingonberry…
Small lingonberry,
yes,,,found a plastic object suspected to come
yesfrom a Soviet target missile that strayed
yesinto Finnish airspace a month ago,
yesThe investigation continues with Lapland Air Command
yeshaving set up an investigation committee,
yesWidespread international attention
yeswas drawn in early January to,,,
Oh no, we'll put Batman on the case,
We'll put Batman on the case, - Into space!
Remove the cheese ball from space!
No, check it out,
You have to go now,
Oh, It's okay, Daddy's gotta go now,
Bummer! No!
Kai, where you going? We're in the middle of a war,
Fuck, I said not in the face!
&lt;>To my dear Kai, waiting for our forest trips together,&lt;/i>
Downhill sledding, – Yeah, go,
Go, go!
Yeah! Let's go!
Mum goes over there,
This could be a big conflict,
Conflicts are scary,
There are other ways to be safe
than avoiding conflicts all the time,
Why doesn't Finland just say no,
this is not acceptable?
Maybe Finland is suffering
from a feeling of inferiority and unworthiness,
We somehow teach others
how to treat us,
A wise person advised me once –
to teach myself to say no in front of a mirror,
What does this have to do with anything?
She asked me what am I afraid will happen
if I say no?
I guess you somehow,,,
You're afraid you'll start to cry,,,
Or freeze up somehow or,,,
Your heart will stop and you'll be insanely scared,
Or then you're afraid you're going to die,
yesHappy birthday to you!
yesHappy birthday, Pekka!
I think they've found it now,
They're going to dive in there tomorrow,
Did you hear?
Yeah, they'll dive there tomorrow,
Yes, Go there,
Why don't you go with Jussi tomorrow?
It's -47 out there, you can't ride the snowmobile,
You've had other reporters on board, haven't you?
I can't take,,,
Sure I can take, I'll ask,
But Niina can't go there now,
No, I can't, I must find a new job,
Some cleaning job,
I'll get you the gear,
You shouldn't go near it,
The half-life of radioactive nuclides
makes a couple of metres a safe distance,
but you shouldn't go any closer,
at least not for a longer time,
What are you talking about?
Listen, you just need to rest now,
You can then come to the hotel to do the dishes,
They took some measurements yesterday,
so if there'd be any radiation I'd know about it,
The gamma won't radiate anywhere from there,
And if there's alpha and beta
they won't penetrate anything,
Whereas that gamma radiation is very energetic,
meaning it has a lot more light,
So it's very similar to visible light,
X-rays or radio waves or these,
so it's like electromagnetic radiation
and that travels over long distances,
Should you think about a little lighter topics?
How is Hilkka, has she been helping you again?
She's babysitting there now, poor thing,
Well, Tapio has actually been helping us,
Can't be,,,
I mean, oh my goodness!
You got to give the man a chance,
You still have the chance to reconcile, like,
Or go to therapy,
Tapio and I have been thinking that,,,
Don't you bloody understand that he won't change!
Oh, like you?
Listen, Niina,
See, the thing is,,, You're not up to it,
To report on the ice about some missile,
what you need is…
How the hell you know
what I need and what can do?
I know myself what I want and what I need!
And I'm not a fucking earthworm!
Well, there you are,
I've got to go to Tuulikki,
her loom is all tangled up,
No,
No, No,
Hi, Oh, you're here,
Did you have fun?
Yes, it was actually quite liberating,
You got here pretty late,
Did you come straight here?
So you came straight here?
I don't have to tell you if I came straight here,
Right, I was just worried,
I'm sorry,
I shouldn't ask questions, So stupid,
I made sautéed reindeer, it's in the fridge,
I don't want any,
But you love it,
Don't make a fuss or be difficult about this,
The kids are sleeping, so just go,
it's easier for everyone,
Niina,
I guess the kids will come to me
since you have other things,
Would you tell me who you were fucking? – No,
I don't have to tell you who I've been fucking,
I'm sorry, I shouldn't shout,
Come, let's hug,
No, I'm now telling you no, Tapio,
I want you out of my life now
and never come back,
Is that clear?
Do you understand? I'm saying no,
Niina…
yesHow did you know how to come here?
yesI came along the Turku road
yesThe Tavastland oxen road
There's nothing to worry about,
We're divorced,
Even if I've fucked all the men in the world,
it's none of your business anymore,
I'm asking you to go, And no pity party
or shouting as the kids are asleep,
Tapio, Love is not like this,
Jussi said they'll be waiting for you at 4:30,
I can't leave the children now,
Well, we're here, they will be fine,
You'll be back by ten o'clock, a couple of hours,
I can't leave them now, they need me,
Don't let him take everything from you,
The children are my everything,
How do you know how do it, Kaisa?
How do you know how be so firm,
knowing where you begin and where you end?
I haven't been forced to see so much shit as you have,
It's not as if we're now going to comfort you here,
Pull yourself together, for fucks sake!
They did a good job,
Is it normal not to feel your lymph nodes?
What's the reading? Is that like fif,,,
Why does this show fifty, and the red one too?
And why do you have those overalls?
No one else here is wearing them,
I haven't felt my lymph nodes for two days now,
Dive,
Hi,
Mum's here!
Tõlkinud Tiiu Marie Oja