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Andrew gave me an ultimatum:
Either we get married or we split,
Do you have any idea why Andrew chose this particular time?
We were having dinner and he said: "I don\'t know what I want,
I just know I don\'t want this on and off thing,"
So I said to him: "Sure," and then, "Let\'s just decide,"
So you were the one who came up with it?
No, No, No, He had this thing with this on and oh
the ultim,,,
I love you,
How long have you felt like this?
A year,
You\'ve become the center of my life,
Laura, I\'m your therapist,
I\'m not an option,
Kate!
What?
Can you come here a minute?
Argh, This thing is,,, this thing\'s clogged up again,
Can you do me a favor?
Can you call the plumber,
Tell him to come over here,
Get it fixed?
I\'ve got a session starting in about a minute,
Ok, But you realize he won\'t be able to come today, Right?
Just have your patients go to the downstairs bathroom,
Oh, Christ!
You can\'t be bloody serious!
Why not? What is the problem?
It doesn\'t matter, It\'s ok,
What is the big deal?
There\'s no big deal! I\'ll do it myself,
Never mind, I\'ll get, Dennis, That handyman guy
to come over and do it,
Oh, Yeah, Well, Good, Dennis will fix it
and then it\'ll just get clogged up again next week,
It will be fine, I promise you,
What is the matter with you?
There is nothing the matter with me,
I\'ve got a session starting in a minute, Please!
Ah,,,
Oh, Yeah, You\'re finished with me now,
Ok, I forgot, I should go,
Ok, So I said yes,
To Andrew,
We already set a date,
It\'s going to be the third week-end in June,
You know, Everybody gets married in June,
So,,, so you\'ll be a summer bride,
Evidently so,
Well, Congratulations,
Thank you,
So, Are you happy for us?
Is that important to you?
Well, If you\'re going to be a guest at our wedding
you\'d better be happy for us,
Andrew and I wanted to invite you,
Your wife too,
But you wouldn\'t come, Right?
Would you? No, Of course you wouldn\'t,
But we did actually talk about it yesterday,
Right after I said yes, We started making a guest list
and for a few minutes there, You were on it,
Wait a minute, You said yes just yesterday?
Yeah, I couldn\'t make up my mind,
It took me a few days to get over the other night
and our session,
I wanted to calm down first,
Andrew was cool with that,
He said a day here or there wouldn\'t matter
as long as I was moving towards a decision,
You know, He\'s very happy that you\'re helping me,
For a while there he thought he\'d made a mistake
recommending that I come see you,
He said that, But he thinks you\'re an amazing therapist,
And that his instincts were just right,
And that you\'re on our side,
What?
Ufff,,, I guess I\'m just trying to get used
to the change in tone,
You\'re speaking in the plural,
Well, I\'m going to be a "we", An "us", Aren\'t I?
You say that like you\'re not so sure,
No, I\'m sure,
You know, Paul, I\'m generally open to your interpretations,
But right now it just seems like you\'re trying to be a bit of a,,,
Killjoy?
Killjoy, Yes, Something like that, So don\'t,
Since, Joy is a very rare thing when it comes to me,
What?
I\'m,,, I\'m just wondering if you came here today
determined to demonstrate that joy,
Specially after last week\'s events,
I\'m asking myself if this isn\'t a bit too fast,
If you haven\'t perhaps taken a shortcut,
You think that I\'m faking this?
That I\'m actually totally depressed?
Well, Maybe it\'s you that\'s faking it, Hah?
I mean, That "congratulations" was a bit labored, Don\'t you think?
I don\'t know if you know anything about scuba diving?
They have this thing that\'s called the bends,
It\'s something that happens when the divers
come up to the surface too quickly,
It\'s really dangerous, It can explode your lungs
from the sudden changes in pressure,
Anyway, It seems like there\'s a huge gap
between the depths that you reached last week
and the heights at which you are today,
I\'m just trying to adjust myself
so that I don\'t, I guess, Come to the surface too quickly,
Do you dive, Paul?
Yes,
I, Well, We used to,
Who\'s speaking in the plural now?
I can\'t imagine you diving,
Where did you go?
Mexico, The Caribbean?
Are you interested in scuba diving?
I\'m a certified diver,
I know what the bends are,
No, Seriously, I dove a lot before I met Andrew,
He hates it, He\'s claustrophobic,
It\'s nice to find we have something in common, You and me, Isn\'t it?
Where are you now, Laura?
I just had a scary thought,
I just, I don\'t know, It\'s silly, But
beforehand, When you said your lungs could explode,
I don\'t know, It\'s just, The thought that something might happen to you,
Yet, You\'re the one who ascended so fast,
You know what, Paul? I don\'t want a depressing session,
I want a happy session,
I came with good news, So show a little support,
Ok,
Ok, Yesterday, I was at Natalie\'s,
You know, Andrew\'s ex, And Gary, The husband,
The ones who had a baby a few months ago,
And they keep calling, You know, To invite us over,
And I keep avoiding them,
But yesterday when they called to invite us over for brunch,,,
Well, Anyway, Gary makes dim sum,
I swear, Paul, He has those bamboo steamers and everything,
So I said to Andrew: "Ok, Let\'s go,"
I mean, He\'s been so sweet to me all week,
I thought this is the least I could do,
So his agreeing to postpone the ultimatum,
That disarmed you?
Go ahead,
They have a baby,
These huge eyes, I mean, The baby
is all eyes, So beautiful,
And the way he breast-feeds,
All morning he was attached to Natalie\'s nipple,
This huge dark nipple,
I\'ve never seen anything like it in my life,
And at one point she took her boob out of the baby\'s mouth
and squeezed it, And some milk squirted out,
And I look over to Andrew and he has this admiring smile on his face,
You know, Like he was looking at some masterpiece in a museum,
Like the Madonna,
What do you think he saw?
Maybe an image of you and he together in the future, Maybe?
Or maybe he just misses her tits,
No, Not really, They\'re not that nice,
She\'s changed a lot since she had the baby,
In what way?
I don\'t know, I didn\'t really know her before,
But Andrew told me a lot about her,
He said she was this wild type, You know,
Had a lot of guys chasing her,
She put him through hell,
He said they\'d go to bed and she\'d be one person
and then they\'d wake up and she\'d be someone totally new,
A free radical,
That\'s what he used to call her,
He says I remind him of her,
It\'s scary, Like this is what\'s left of her,
The front of her T-shirt soaking wet,
And nipples, Nipples, That\'s all that\'s left,
She\'s like a wild animal that\'s somehow been
shit, What\'s the word?
Domesticated?
Yeah, Domesticated, She looked domesticated, Housebroken,
She said her wildest sexual fantasy was to sleep four hours straight,
Hmm, Does that scare you a little?
My God, I\'d die if I turned into a lousy lay,
You know, Someone who gets fucked in her sleep and can\'t even remember?
Do you think that\'s what happens to people after they get married?
I don\'t know, Does it?
Is sex something you forget how to do,
Or is it like riding a bike?
I think that depends on the couple,
Of course, Sex, Ah,,, can be a subterfuge,
It can,,,
Paul!
Ok,
Ok, So anyway, When I go to the kitchen
to help out with something and, When I come back
Andrew and Gary are engrossed in this deep conversation
about, You won\'t believe this, Upholsterers,
There is this upholsterer who redid their entire living-room,
And Andrew was taking down the guy\'s number,
And I\'m like, "What are you doing?"
And he said: "Well, You know, You and I discussed,
You know, Recovering those armchairs
your dad gave you,"
I\'m telling you, Paul, We never discussed this,
And all of a sudden Andrew\'s reupholstering armchairs?
I mean, We\'re talking metrosexual,
It doesn\'t sound very much like the Andrew that you\'ve been talking about,
Exactly!
I mean, This was beyond metrosexual,
Do you ever watch the Animal Planet?
Yeah, Well, It\'s about this type of bird,
I can\'t remember the name of it,
But, Anyway, The male bird builds a nest for the female,
You know, These amazingly intricate structures,
They\'re incredible,
Anyway, The female goes from nest to nest,
You know, Checking out all her various mating options,
Trying to make up her mind,
While the male bird is desperately flapping about,
You know, Trying to attract the female
with his architecture,
You know, The nests look like cages,
Anyway, The whole way home,
I thought I wouldn\'t be able to fight this anymore,
So when we got near the house,
We were about to park, And
Andrew said to me: "Do you want to go to the movies or stay home?"
And I said,,, I said: "Yes",
And he says: "Yes, The movies?"
And I said: "Yes, I\'ll marry you,"
Yes, I mean, Fuck it,
Fuck, I\'ll marry you, Yes,
So where do you think this "Fuck it, Yes" came from?
When everything that you\'ve been saying to Andrew,
Everything you\'ve been doing for the past few weeks
has actually been one big "no",
You mean what?
You think Andrew took me there
as some sort of object lesson?
To show me how good it could be for us,
Because I don\'t think so,
I mean, Andrew is a pretty mediocre psychologist,
Would you listen to me?
I just said "yes" and I\'m already badmouthing my future husband,
You didn\'t answer my question, Laura,
Where did this "yes" come from?
You really don\'t understand why I said yes to him?
It\'s because you said no to me,
Because I said no to you?
And the whole situation is just one big fucking no,
I\'m not blaming you, I\'m not accusing you, I\'m just,,,
Did you expect a different reaction?
In your fantasy, How would I respond to you
saying that you were, Let\'s say, "In love with me",
First of all, Take the quotation marks off the "in love with me",
It\'s insulting,
And stop with the fantasy talk,
Because fantasies are for silly little girls,
We\'re talking about reality, Paul,
Which is that I\'m in love with you,
But I still don\'t,,,
That\'s reality,
I still want to talk about fantasies for a minute,
Not the fantasy of a silly little girl,
But the fantasy of a grown, Smart woman,
Oh, Please, Let\'s not do that,
That\'s beneath my dignity,
Well, I don\'t think there\'s anything beneath our dignity
if it takes us someplace our dignity refuses to go,
Remember that story you told me
about that summer when you were fifteen-years old, In San Diego?
That couple you lived with,
The ones who had no children,
David and Celia,
You said that summer was
was very significant to you,
Oh, My God,
My mother had just died, Paul,
Of course it was significant,
What\'s the point in rehashing all this,
I mean, My mother died
and I was very lucky to have somebody
take me in for a few months,
I mean, So?
Well, I just want to go back to that period
for a little bit, If you don\'t mind,
Your mother was gone,
Your mother was your last wall of protection
against your father, From your father\'s
how did you put it?
Toxic fumes,
Toxic fumes, Yes,
His loneliness, His fears,
His dependency on you,
You said that he called you up in California
and said how unhappy he was,
And how much he missed your mother,
And begging you to cut your vacation short
and come back home,
What\'s this got to do with anything?
Te cayeron bien esas personas
que eran atléticas, Saludables,
The exact opposite of your parents in every way,
And you described David very vividly,
And you said he was very kind to you,
Yeah, You know, He used to take me camping,
We\'d go surfing,
We used to just talk about stuff, You know,
Teenage bullshit,
You were very attracted to him,
He was a hunk, Yeah,
He looked like Nick Nolte,
They smoked a lot of grass,
A lot of grass,
I smoked with them, It was my first time,
And when that summer was over,
They said it was a shame they couldn\'t adopt you,
They said: "We want a daughter just like you,"
Yeah, I actually asked them to see if it was possible,
If there was some legal way to,,,
But, Anyway, They just laughed at me,
They didn\'t take me seriously,
They said I was so cute,
Actually, I wanted him to adopt me,
She was great, Celia, But, You know,
I was fifteen,
I wanted him all to myself,
It makes a lot of sense, When you think about it,
You were fifteen-years old, You father was grieving,
Completely dependent on you,
David must have seemed like a life-raft,
This is perhaps what I am now,
From Andrew,
Perhaps I\'m an alternative to everything that Andrew represents:
dependency, Anxiety, And,,,
But I am not a realistic option for you, Laura,
This is a safe place where you can come,
Like David and the beach,
Yes, But with one big difference,
What\'s that?
I don\'t want you to adopt me, I want you to fuck me,
I need to pee,
Ah, There\'s a,,, there\'s,,, there\'s a problem with the,,
With the thing,,, it\'s blocked up,
I just called,,, I\'m going to call the handyman,
Ok, Well, Then, May I?
Ah,,, well,,, we\'re almost out of time, So,,,
What are we, Camping?
I need to pee,
I mean, What\'s the big deal? I am very clean,
I won\'t mess in your bathroom,
Actually, I prefer my patients to use the,,,
But you just said that the toilet overflowed,
Yeah, Why don\'t we just finish up for today?
I can owe you the ten minutes when you come back next week,
What, You\'re afraid your wife will see me?
Or that I\'ll see her?
Is she even be home now?
I mean, What, She\'s sitting on the couch with
rollers in her hair drinking beer?
Laura this has nothing to do with my wife,
Ok, Fine, Forget it, If it freaks you out that much,
Well, I bet that didn\'t come up in med school did it?
Hmm?
What to do in the following situation:
A patient in love with a therapist asks to use the bathroom,
The bathroom is out of order,
The patient then asks to enter the therapist\'s home,
What should the therapist do?
Laura, I\'m sorry,,,
The correct answer is: It depends
on what the therapist feels towards this patient,
Laura, I can see that you might interpret this as,,,
Don\'t interpret, Paul,
I\'ve had it up to here with your fucking interpretations,
You know what kills me?
That no matter what I say or do,
You see everything as more proof that nothing is going on here,
You turn me into a fifteen-year old
who isn\'t taken seriously
a silly little girl who people just pat on the head
and say: "Isn\'t she cute?"
You know,, The,,, I\'m,,,
Stop patronizing me, Paul,
Look, I know when I turn somebody on, Ok?
You know what I thought of you the first time I saw you?
What?
I thought you looked like a dead man,
I thought: "Beneath that professional exterior
is a man who\'s stopped living,"
I wanted to take your heart in my hands
and just pump life into it,
Maybe that\'s your sense of,,, err
of what happens to married people,
That they just stop living,
Maybe you\'re afraid that\'s what will happen if you marry Andrew,
Just my being here has brought you back to life,
Laura, Let\'s uhm,,,
Yeah, And you deny it,
I mean, How can something like this happen to you, Hm?
But it did happen, I know it happened, And you know it happened,
What happened?
Me and you, Paul, We happened,
And all the thoughts that you have
before you fall asleep next to your wife happened,
I think we\'re out of time for today, Laura,
Why don\'t we talk about this next week,
When you come back?
Just tell me, I think you owe it to me,
Do you want me?
I,,,
Just a simple yes or no,
No,