I'm hungry!
I'm studying!
You've got a leadership challenge test,
no one studies for that,
You're the one who doesn't study,
I hate you!
I feel sick!
I want my little quilt,
You're wrapped up in your little quilt,
I meant a metaphorical quilt,
I've got a group assignment with a bunch of losers,
Who would you work with anyway? You don't like any of them,
With those I dislike the least,
Alright, what's up with you?
I don't know,
I feel sick, I don't want to do anything,
Seems like I'm going to get a mean flu,
What if you're pregnant,
I don't know, I'm fed-up with college, I don't want to do anything, I'm broke,,,
But yesterday you got yourself some Burger Queen,
I only do that when I feel sick, okay
Stop going through my Feikbook,
But I've already seen mine too many times,
Feikebook is dead,
But it has the best dog pictures,
Alright, I'll go buy stuff,
INSANE FLU SYMPTOMS
Our sponge is gross,
And I need Pecsi to survive and face these assholes,
Bring me a gift?
Like what?
A reason to live,
OK,
OUTSIDER GIRLS
We've played the crap out of this game,
Totally,
Maybe we should play the Alien one,
I already did, it's not that cool,
And who did you play it with? Do tell,
I've got a life besides you, you know?
Besides, unlike others, I can't flunk out of college,
I'm not digging this whole vibe,
What's wrong?
I haven't had my period,
Since when?
A while,
How long it's "a while"?
Do you remember the party where we went as Britneys?
I was dressed as Goony Chonga,,,
I know,,,
Well, it was that night,
NINE WEEKS EARLIER
I don't get it, Why would people get ready for the apocalypse?
Dude, they buy containers to fix them up as weapons-filled bunkers,
Why do they want to live in a fucked-up world?
Same as when there's a power cut, It's fucked up,
It's called survival instinct,
Looting pharmacies,
Clearly, it's the most clever apocalypse move,
True that!
See? You'd be among the survivors,
Me? No way, I'd kill myself right away,
What about your survival instinct?
I don't know, but I'd do anything to avoid it,
Wait, wait,,,
When though? We danced all night,
It was one of the times I went to the bathroom
But you went way too many times,
Well, one of those times,
Why are you bombing my selfie?
I don't know, in case your beauty is contagious,
Silly boy,
- How are you? - Drunk, You?
Single,
How bold and beautiful,
I ran into Gabi, are you both dressed as Britney?
She's Goony Chonga, not Britney, you ignorant,
Wait for me?
I'll go pee and then you're going to give me a joint,
I texted you about it,
Are you kidding me?
I'm freaking out, I'm going to kill you,
I'm the one freaking out and killing myself!
Let's go buy a test,
- Don't you have class right now? - Let's go buy a test,
You know what?
There is no way I'm pregnant, maybe I'm just under a lot of stress,
Remember when Britney's sister got pregnant?
She was like 16,
Damn,
I cannot pee,
This should help,
Can I ask you a question? But don't be mad,,,
Did you fuck him in Nico's room?
Girl stop!
Help me pee!
NICO'S ROOM
You are definitely, on the top three hottest girls I know,
Look, I kind of support his top three theory,,,
Because if he tells you you're the "top one",,,
how can you believe that?
And "top two", what the hell, dude? There's always someone before you,
However, "top three" is like an elite of the three hottest chicks,
Since when do you agree with Matías?
Dude, I'm only doing a syntactic analysis,
"Syntactic analysis,"
Girlfriend!
Remember when we went to Fantasyland?
No,
Why do you get Alzheimer's when you're stressed out?
I do remember,
When we hid,
Who told you raising your legs makes you pee?
The internet,
Ugh, gross I peed my hand,
- How long does it take? - Two minutes,
Oh, that's fast, I thought it'd be more dramatic,
I don't get how this stuff could possibly not be vegan,
Are the other ones made of llama or dog fetuses or what?
Did two lines mean pregnant?
Or maybe the liquid that reads the hormones is animal-based?
Who the fuck cares about that?
Calm down, I know what we're going to do,
Let's sing a two-minute song
- as a distraction, - I don't know any song,
Girl you know every single song!
Imagine if you were just as good for college, you'd do great,
Damn it, I'm pregnant,
For fuck's sake,
Everyone is staring at me,
No one is looking at you,
What are you looking at?
Love, let's calm down, OK?
All we need to do is ask some folks cryptically
- where we can get abortion pills, - Right,
In a cryptic way, yes,
Dani got an abortion, right?
- I think it was expensive, - Fuck, you're right!
Well, I don't remember, But text her,
Having a baby is the best excuse in the world though,
Like “I can't go to work because my kid is sick,"
"I can't go to class because I have to look after my baby,"
"I can't go to your lame party because my kid is sick,"
Think about it, Even I could benefit from that,
Like, "I have a friend who has a kid,"
Girl,,,
Do you realize how awful it would be to get caught,
Getting jail time,
not being able to get an abortion
and then they make you have a baby in jail!
It'd be even worse, girl, I'd have to look after your baby
while you're having a blast in jail,
Hey, no one is "having a blast in jail"!
OK, sorry,
Are we going to Pao's later?
I don't want to go,
Come on, I'm pregnant,
Come on, it didn't take you long to use it as an excuse, Cheeky,
A friend of my mom's got pregnant as a virgin,
No, That's a lie, that shit is impossible,
No, dude, for real,
How then?
Someone ejaculated on her crotch,
So what, the sperms army-crawled their way to her vagina?
Exactly,
Ok you're not going to believe this,
- Dani? - Yes,
It was all a lie,
Turns out she found out that Javier,,,
was cheating on her,,,
so she wanted to get money from him for the "abortion"
and with that cash, she got that godawful Chihuahua,
I think dying young is the best thing that can happen to you,
I mean, if some Tinder chick kills you
at least you'll get a law named after you, Imagine that,
You'll make the news
with your cutest Instagram pics because you chose them, of course,
But more than that,
when someone young dies, no matter how shitty a person you may be
people are always going to say you had a bright future ahead of you,
You may be a filthy piece of human garbage
but they will always say you had a wonderful future,
Dying young is the best shit that can happen to you,
Damn,
I'd say the best shit that can happen would be not to die,
Anyway,
So that is how Kyomi and I met,
She wasn't a psycho,
And clearly Javi had said all that because he was crazy in love with me,
And now you're going to live happily and have babies?
- What's wrong with you, dude? - Nothing, fuck it,
What kind of legal or moral loophole you got there?
Because, how is that even possible?
- Right, Rafi? - What?
That nudes are sent live,
Right? Or do you need to have a photo bank in your phone
with a little bit of titty for this one,
a little bit of nuts for that one,,, No way,
Of course! You do need stock photos,
I've sent pics wearing different bras and no one has noticed,
Got a smoke?
- I've only got a couple left,,, - Come on,
I'm pregnant, getting an abortion and people are finding out, Give me, please,
What?!
Alright, here,
Do tell,
I want to leave, People are talking about babies,
Nobody is talking about babies,
Let's tone it down with the abortion business, OK?
What does that mean?
That Juanito has a fucking big mouth,
The biggest mouth ever,
Hello, Gabi, Hello, Rafi,
- Hey, - Hey,
So, which one is pregnant?
Not you, Gabi, to get pregnant you need to have sex,
Rafi,
Chill,
Pregnancy and abortion, just like HPV, are only a matter of time,
- You've had an abortion? - Yes, Two and a half,
It sucked,
HPV, too, That also sucked,
How tragic,
Oh Gabi,
You were there when I got HPV, we did that ritual and I got over it?
I don't remember,
Right, because you "blocked out" the time when we were friends,
OK, I'm off,
Remember, Always pee after you fuck,
That was intense,
I hate her,
What if she can help us?
Please, let's not ask her for help, Seriously,
We can both do it,
- It can't be that hard, - What did she mean by a "half-abortion"?
No clue, but I don't trust her,
Girl, how long ago did you fell out? Like, get over it,
Yeah, I know, she's too much,
Hi, Excuse me,
Hello there,
Hey
Juanito told us you where pregnant, and looking to get an abortion,
What?
I told them he was a gossip boy,
But is it true?
Sounds terrible right?
I am obviously having an abortion,
This country is shit,
Yeah, this country is shit,
The world is shit,
Chile should end,
Do royals get abortions?
Of course they do,
Royal abortion,
Miss Gabriela Mejias,
Yes, but it's for my friend,
That's what they all say, It's $40,
Here you go, In cash, like it said on the website,
Alright, you can change the name, but you still have to fill this,
Alright, girls,
Tell me,
Who got the other one pregnant?
Me,,,
The test was positive,
Right, well,,,
I have to do a transvaginal ultrasound to determine how far along you are,
And see what are your options,
Right now?
Alright, relax,
Breathe in,
Inhale,
And breathe out,
Relax,
Yes, you are indeed pregnant,
Nine weeks pregnant,
It's two and a bit months,
Alright, girl,
We're on time to do it with Ms, Oprostol,
Misoprostol,
The pills cost about $200,
Ask an uncle or someone for a loan,
But don't wait too long,
Because it gets dangerous if you do, OK?
And, needless to say,,,
this never happened,
Matías,
Please leave him out of this,
Gabi, it's $200! You got $200?
No, I don't,
But you can't call that jerk, He could call the cops,
Two hours ago you were terrified of that,
Dude, I'm sure Matías doesn't even know the police number,
Look, dude,,,
Look how many jobs there are,
“Looking for 6ft, women,” We're screwed, dude, screwed!
Girl, you know I've got your back, right? It might even be fun,
Right, it's super fun to get pregnant!
Look,,,
you've got to stop with that whole “It all went to shit” attitude,
But it all has gone to shit, Gabi!
No, it hasn't! Because you've got me!
You've got me and I'm here for you,
And I'm the coolest friend in the whole universe,
You'll be alright,
We're going to get through this,
Very “hashtag blessing,”
I swear I'll never have sex again in my life,
Never, ever,
What are you thinking about?
It must be sweet to be a couch,
Take that off,
Actually, put it back,
For sale: beautiful couch,,,
not found on the curb and also not showered with flea spray, ever,
- How much does a couch cost? - I don't know, $100?
How can we let these idiots know
that they can have the same impact without this shitty techno?
Kombucha! Kombuchalicious!
Chile is burning!
Put out the flame!
I kind of like it,
Says the girl who also likes Tagada ride music,
I love that you mean that as an insult,
I don't get why you stopped seeing that dude's friend,
Because it ended in disaster, remember?
No way! You're full of excuses, I don't believe you,
Really, Gabriela?
Right, because he was vegan, and that other guy, didn't smoke,
He didn't like kitties and liked the band Chancho en Piedra,
He was a republican!
- He dried the pizza, - What?
We ordered a pepperoni pizza, right? Delivery comes in, everything's fine,
Then I tell him:
"Hey, you can tell a pizza's good
when there's a pool of oil on top of the pepperoni, right?"
So I look up and this dude has a napkin in his hand
and he's going straight to dry the pizza,
And a dude who dries the pizza clearly doesn't give oral sex,
No, a dude who dries the pizza is a dude who won't kiss you
after you've sucked his dick,
Chile is burning!
Put the fire out!
Look at you, you’re really good
Look at me, I’m great
It’s cold
Want me to help you?
Like the parking attendants, tell me what to do,
- Move your hands and slowly,,, - Hold this,
Bring your legs down, Slowly,
Bring your legs down slowly,
That's it, No, you're going back,
There, Maintain your core and bring your legs down,
Exactly,
- Nadia Comăneci, - I'm a badass, dude,
Rafa,
Wake up,
Wake up, dude, seriously,
Come on,
Upper-class dads are so hot, girl,
It's like they all work out,
It's genetic,
I bet Maite's grandad is just as hot,
Stop loving old dudes!
Never,
Do I look pretty?
You look unique and that's much better,
Busted,
What are you doing?
Nothing, working,
Want a beer?
Ok
It's an ancient technique I learned in Nepal while traveling in the Himalayas,
Kathmandu,
Actually, some did it this way,
Looks like you forgot how,
Do you know why Kathmandu is named Kathmandu?
Anyway, make yourself at home,
Help yourself to whatever you want,
Whatever you want,
One, two, three!
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you
♪ Happy birthday dear Maite
♪ Happy birthday to you
Darn, They had so much fun with the cake,
Oh well,
For that little trouble,
Namaste,
Bye,
Two dollars for "that little trouble"?
"The kids had so much fun with the cake,"
"Namaste,"
I should have thrown the money in that bitch's face,
For real,
But look,
Well done, you're good!
What time do we clean the apartment tomorrow?
- At nine a,m, - Are you kidding me?
No, friend, Work is work,
Man, I just got kicked out from the assignment's group chat,
No,,,
I can't believe those guys, how come?
Because I was never available when they could get together,
But I could have done the job by myself,
Oh really? Is that so?
Josefina!
Josefina, open up!
I don't want this baby!
No, I don't want it!
Uterine evacuation with vacuum aspiration is 98% effective
and significantly reduces the risk of complications,
I promise I'll behave myself from now on
and I won't kick you at night anymore,
How can a human being do this to me?
They'll see when I'm older and stronger,
Mommy! Mommy, I can't take it anymore,
Mommy, help me!
They're gonna kill me, they're gonna kill me,
She explained she had self-induced an abortion using a branch of parsley,
She was immediately hospitalized,
They removed her uterus, but there was no solution,
The branch had caused a generalized infection,
You know what I find really fake about porn?
But, about actual porn?
When have you ever seen anyone get this surprised,,,
when they see a dick?
Never,
I’m sick of this shit,
- But that is an escort job! - So? Check this out:
“Five dollars in cash per interview,” Awesome,
Maybe,
- Are you done? - No,
Let me finish this sentence and we can leave,
Alright, girls,
And ladies,
This is quite easy, Men are going to ask for your advice,
You fix and serve them the drink, and you give them advice,
Some are looking for a little friend,
Others are looking for their mom, And you,,, just adapt,
But how can you tell which one they want?
Well,,,
Look, depends whether they ask you about the other girl or not,
Nice! Nice,
I was going to say “whether they look at your boobs or eyes” but that woks too,
Also, I want any extra business out of this bar,
I don't want to find out you're giving $5 handjobs in the restroom,
Payday is every first Monday of the month,
Tips are none of my business, work it out yourselves,
I don't want any trouble finding out you're fighting over this,
Maybe we better pool the tips and split them equally?
- Sounds good? - But you don't know how others work,
Maybe yes, maybe no, That's none of my business,
I don't want any trouble,
Another thing, if you're on your period
I'd rather you stay at home that day,
But will we get paid for that day?
What? Why?
So if we're on our period, we can't come
and we won't get paid either? That's not fair,
Wasn't this supposed to be a waitressing and sales job?
But if a side gig comes up, you can't turn it down,
How long have you done this?
Almost ten years,
And I have my own house, a beach house,,,
And what are you doing here?
You should take us to that beach house! We want to go!
This shit was a waste of time,
But you were so into it,
Still, it was fun, And for $5? A hoot,
Two hours with that old pig aren't worth $5, buddy,
Anything helps, my friend,
♪ You
♪ Deserve something
♪ Tender
♪ And I
♪ Want to
♪ Wreck you
♪ Mo,,,
♪ ,,,re
♪ Than ever
♪ Mo,,,
♪ ,,,re
♪ Than ever ♪
I'm pregnant and I need you to wire me $100 to get an abortion,
What?
But,,, I thought you came here to fuck,
- What? - Yeah, you're all dressed-up and cute,,,
Well, you got me pregnant, man,
No, there's no way,
What do you mean? We were at Nico's, You as a punk, me as Britney, remember?
- Are you sure? - Yes!
I went to a sketchy doctor and all that crap,
But you told me not to use a condom,
Why the fuck would I do that, you idiot?
Hold on, Rafa,
What did the doctor tell you?
That I'm pregnant,,,
and just in time to get a pill abortion, which is the easiest,
What?
That's it, It costs $200 given that it's illegal and shit,,,
and I need your share,
Rafa, I mean,,, stop it with that,
What the fuck do you mean, an abortion? Let's talk about it,
I can break up with Trini, you can take a break from college,
Private colleges let you do anything as long as you pay tuition,,,
And you've been smoking and drinking all this time!
I'm not keeping it, man!
But how can you not keep it? It's going to come out so cute!
I can ask my dad for money to help us get started,
He can get us a crib or something like that, and,,,
Look, asshole, This decision has already been made, OK?
If you're going to be such an idiot about it, bye then, I'm out of here,
You can erase this conversation from that narrow skull of yours,
And you don't owe me a cent, OK?
You got this when we met, right?
I'm taking it as partial payment, and fuck off, you asshole,
♪ I fall
♪ From the ninth cloud
♪ Sometimes
- ♪ - Sometimes you see it and you,,, ♪ - Hi,
Got a light?
Nope,
With that one I can light this one,
You're going to put it out,
Check this out,,,
I've got a bunch,
Nice,
♪ I fall
♪ From the ninth cloud ♪
- Sometimes,,, - You sing beautifully,
Why are you talking to me?
Do you know me?
Do I look like a teenager to you, huh?
What's with that?
It's for sale,
So you can buy more beer,
I'll give you the beer but don't steal the guitar, please,
Look, you brat,,,
didn't you hear me sing?
I know about music,
I can tell you how much that guitar is worth,
I can help you sell it,
Careful,
♪ I fall ♪
That guitar ain't worth shit,
You won't even get $5 for it,
Are you sure?
Have I ever lied to you, huh?
Come down, asshole! Come down!
I'm going to fuck you up!
I'm going to kill you, motherfucker!
Yes!
Liberation!
Liberation! Liberation!
Buddy,,, where are you going, friend?!
Buddy, let's face this together! Buddy!
Buddy!
What did I tell you?
That the “ladies of nice appearance” interview was a waste of time,
No, dude, about Matías,
That he didn't know the police number,
You said that, but yes, I agreed,
How much was it?
Almost everything we had scraped up,
Come on, Rafa,
Wake up,
We have to be on time,
Seriously, We need the money,
- Come on, - I don't want to,
Wake up, please,
Do we really need to go?
Dude, should I remind you how much
your public disorderly stunt cost us last night?
That bitch abandoned me!
Come on,
Get up!
What? That's where fallen ice cubes go,
Everybody knows that,
Can you pour me a bit more?
That's fine,
Thanks,
No, I want clear soda,
- Is that good? - Yes, thanks,
To make money, you need to invest some money, right?
There's a Ukrainian doctor on the regular internet who does it,
But the real content is on the deep web,
Huge zits,
Sounds nasty,
No, it's not,
At first, pus comes out, and that can be gross,
But I find it quite enjoyable,
I doubled my salary,
At first you need to invest money,
To make money, you need to invest money, isn't that right?
Supposedly it's because human beings were made to find it enjoyable,
Like, anticipation creates an endorphin,
So you can watch this for 30 minutes without blinking,
It's like being on molly,,,
but with coke,
The other day I went to work like that and it was awesome,
Are you sure it wasn't speed?
No, no, no,
No, dude,
I got there like three hours early,
There's a gym on the first floor that's super pro, and I was like,,,
,,,hours holed up in my room watching that,
My family was very worried,
Dude, even I was worried,
I ate lettuce all day, only lettuce,
Then I had a vision,
And I thought,,,
“Gross,”
- And so I decided,,, - ,,,to go vegan,
Forever,
- Gabi, can you fix me a drink, please? - Me too, please,
Anything else?
What the fuck?
You don't have to do it,
I'm not so sure about that,
Not sure about what?
I don't know, About you not needing my help,
Oh so you want to go down that road? For real?
I don't know what road I'm going,
Drop the act, I'm sick and tired of you not saying what you mean,
Say it,
- Say it, - You'd have to be stupid not to see it,
I'm trying to help you, and you're being a total jerk,
You know what? Your life is so dull you have to get involved in mine,
No one asked for your help,
Are you seriously saying this shit to me?
What the hell?
Don't you realize,,,
that if it weren't for me you'd end up having that baby out of fear?
No one asked for your help,
Are you kidding me?
It's obvious,
Helping me with this shit would make you look like Mother fucking Theresa
and I'd owe you my life forever,
I can't believe this,
Chill out, You're going to hurt the baby,
What baby?
This isn't anything,
Are you OK?
It's laced with 2C-B,
Girl,,,
A heads up would be nice,
This party is dead,
Where are we going?
To a place where you need a password to get in,
That changes constantly following an algorithm,
which you can only access if you can hack an ATM,
Cool
There?
No, over there,
Good morning,
How much money do you need?
Like $100, I think,
One hundred dollars,
I'm going to lend them to you,
I don't know when I'll be able to pay you back,
Do you think I need the money?
Buddy,,,
I'm not your buddy,
Better watch out, I'm going to fuck you up,
OK, Done,
Wakey-wakey!
Good morning, goodbye,
Come on, get out already!
Please,
Not you, Hey, You,
You stay,
Spoon me,
Not like that,
What did you wish for?
That if the pills don't work
the baby won't come out a ginger,
Here, put them away,
You have to place four pills under your tongue,
Keep them there for half an hour,
Then, swallow them with water after that half an hour,
Then, wait three hours, and do it all over again,
Try to bleed it out in a bathtub, to check if the clot came out,
Some girls even use a strainer, But that's a matter of personal taste,
And of course,,,
You need to be with someone, No matter what,
Yes, of course,
No, no, I just sell them, that's it,
No,
I'll give you ¾ of this cigarette for you to ask away,
Does it hurt a lot?
More than you imagine, but much less than raising a ginger,
Come on, Don't worry, princess, it's going to be OK,
Look, in this fucked-up world, I'm your fairy godmother,
I've been a godmother to a lot of girls like you,
All shivering like a scared mouse, just like you, Now they're doing great,
I wish all this would be safer,
less expensive,
But in the meantime, we're here for each other,
Except when you need company because I've got shit to do, OK then,
Needless to say, none of this ever happened,
Gaby, could you please turn it down a bit?
No,
You're 15 cents short,
I said you're 15 cents short,
Hey!
- Hi! - Hey!
Could you please turn the music down?
Should I turn it up? Sure!
When does it end?
Never! Just kidding, in about three minutes,
What are you doing here?
I saw the pills on the couch that we couldn't sell,
How did you find me, you psycho?
Easy, you always come here to cry,
Should we order pizza for the abortion?
Get out of my head,
Never,
Fucking disgusting pills,
What did you think of your new bestie Candy Nemesis Jane?
When I was over at her house, I never found the bathroom,
I don't think she has one,
Look, it says here you have to lift your core
and stretch your legs,
If the world ended tomorrow, who would you regret not hooking up with?
This dude who was my classmate,
He was super in love with me but I blew him off,
And now he's super hot,
More or less,
What about you?
No, I have no regrets,
No, you still have about 15 minutes left,
Hello, Carla?
Hi, it's Gabi,
Hey, could you send us a pizza,,,
with double pepperoni? Same as always,
- Cheese, cheese, cheese,,, - And double cheese,
A cousin,
I also hooked up with a cousin of mine,
But I didn't hook up with him,
Oh, you didn't?
Done?
Yes, seems like it,
Do you want to come in and see?
No, gross,
OUTSIDER GIRLS
You know what?
Now, at this stage in my life,,,
I feel ready for a threesome,
Dude, I always thought I'd be the third wheel,
that I'd have to go watch TV in the other room,,,
But now I really feel ready to keep up with a threesome,
Beautiful, my friend,
Beautiful, Lovely,
But count me out,