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AD NARRATOR 1: You can be in Waikiki,
Less than a day away by Pan America,
NEWSCASTER 1: For the explosion of America's six atom bombs,
AD NARRATOR 2: Kodak Signet 40 is the smartest color slide camera you can buy,
NEWSCASTER 2: Well, folks, to kill some time here during this rain delay
ahead of the start of this Boston Red Sox
versus New York Yankees doubleheader,
a bit of backstory for you, if you will,
Way back in 1918, the Sox were the tops
and the Yankees cellar dweller,
That is until Boston owner Harry Frazee fell in love
with the bright lights of Broadway
and in order to finance a long-forgotten musical,
"No, No, Nanette," for those of you keeping score at home,
Frazee sold the best player in the game,
George Herman Babe Ruth to the Yankees
for the princely sum of $100,000,
It's quite a high price for a little tea for two, wouldn't you say?
Well, Babe Ruth would go on to become the king of New York
leading the Yankees to World Series crown
after World Series crown
while Boston has not won another title since,
Not one, zip, zero--
Dad, Dad, look at me,
,,,to the promised land,
Whee!
[MAKING ANIMAL SOUNDS]
NEWSCASTER 2: ,,,for the sin of dealing away the best player
to ever lace up a pair of cleats,
Boston will wander the desert forever thirsty
until they find a way to reverse the curse,
♪ O say, can you see ♪
♪ By the dawn's early light ♪
You know what else I believe in?
The smooth rich taste of Grand Slam cigarettes,
All players and fans agree
Grand Slam cigarettes are a hit every time,
♪ ,,,through the night ♪
♪ That a flag was still there ♪
♪ O say does that star-spangled Banner yet wave ♪
♪ O'er the land of the free ♪
♪ And the home of the brave ♪
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
Peanuts!
Peanuts, hey, peanuts, hey!
There you go,
Oh, there you go,
Hey!
Peanuts, here!
[CROWD CHEERING]
ASSISTANT: Mr, Fullaker, Miss Blauner will see you now,
Magnum Opie, what's this novel about?
What's the plot?
Well, I think plot is a dead
19th century bourgeois convention,
People love plots,
You dumped 756 pages of crickets on me,
This is like fake French New Wave,
You bashed me over the head with a baguette for three hours,
Well, people-- People love baguettes,
Yankee peanut slinger turned novelist
is a feel-good angle
for a venal agent like me to exploit, but uh,,,
[CLEARS THROAT]
Here's the surprise skinny,
You're a real writer,
You're a goddamn writer,
But you have nothing to write about,
You write like you haven't lived,
You're an uninteresting white man
living in uninteresting times,
You need something, Some-- Some--
Something like a war or a cataclysm,
some kind of an event,
Do you-- Do you understand what I'm saying?
Yes, I'm Caucasian, I'm uninteresting,
and I-- I need a cataclysm,
BLAUNER: Exactly,
You haven't suffered and it shows,
Well, I'm suffering right now, so,
[CHUCKLES]
I got it,
You need to commit a crime,
Some sort of Dostoevsky and Nietzschean transgression,
You need to commit a crime,
You need to get arrested,
You need to go to jail,
You need to get fucked in the ass,
That's what you need,
That'll loosen you up, but good,
A good jailhouse fucking,
Are you taking notes?
Oh, no need,
I've got it all up here, unfortunately,
BLAUNER: Okay, good,
Go,
Go sally forth and suffer,
Youngish man,
Go break the law
and come back and show me genius in five years,
Hmm?
[♪♪]
Hello, Goldfarb,
What's shakin', baby?
[CLINKS]
MAN [ON TV]: In ordinary ways,
it is a crisis of confidence,
It is a crisis that strikes at the very heart and soul
and spirit of our national will,
[PHONE RINGING]
[TED COUGHING]
He-- Hello,
[TV CHATTER IN BACKGROUND]
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT IN BACKGROUND]
Theodore?
Theodore Fullaker?Yes,
Your father's gonna be fine tonight,
They pumped his stomach,
So he tried to kill himself?
Well, that's complicated,
Your father has lung cancer and heart disease,
He's been given less than a year,
He's declined any further medical intervention,
You didn't know?
I uh, just found out recently,
When?
Very recently,
like when you just said it,
He was diagnosed months ago,
We're a close family,
Mariana Blades, death specialist,
Death specialist? That's terrifying,
MARIANA: I've been working with your father
as he confronts his death,
I had him write a letter to the universe to burn it
as an exercise, but he addressed it to you,
So I took the liberty of finding you,
Uh, did you just smell my card?
No, No?
TED: "I was conceived in 1918 on the night
"the Red Sox last won the Series,
"Sixty years of failure for me and the Sox
"and the curse of the Babe,
"But now, surely, they will win this year
"and then, and only then will I die and be redeemed,
The curse shall be reversed,"
Are you kidding me with this?He needs you,
He needs you to help him finish his novel,
Novel?
Not a novel he's actually writing down,
He's rewriting it in his mind,
A novel of his life,I don't follow,
MARIANA: Let me try and explain to you
your father's thinking right now,
There are a million ways to tell a life story,
As a comedy, as a tragedy,
as a profane fairy tale where baseball teams keep you alive,
He's trying to tell you his story in his way,
You can't-- You can't rewrite the past,
He's been a villain,
He's been a victim,
He's been a scapegoat, Now he just--
He just wants to die a hero,
[MONITORS BEEPING]
TED: Marty?
Marty, it's Ted,
Oh,
It's Ted,
It's Ted, It's Ted, your son,
Swen?No, Ted,
It's your son Ted,
Son?
Yeah,
Come, come close,
Come,
Rosebud,
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHING] Look at your face,
Oh Teddy, it's good to see you, you look like shit,
Stupid hair,Yeah, I look like shit,
Oh, yeah, Well, I got the cancer
which came as quite a surprise to me,
'cause I bought the cigarettes that were only harmful
to pregnant women and babies,
Uh-huh,Misericordia,
OD'd on Seconal, OD'd on quaalude,
And yet here I am, immortal till October,
Oh yeah, I heard, Mr, October,
Yeah, You met Mariana, huh? Mariana's a spic, you know?
Like Luis Tiant, Roberto Clemente, Juan Marichal,
Don't-- Don't say that, Don't say that word,
What, "Roberto"? Don't say Roberto?
Not Roberto, You know the word,Oh, spic,
That's just an abbreviation for Hispanic
if you say it faster,
And they are fast talkers,
That's what you get Hispanic, Spic, Hispanic,
That's not-- That's not an abbreviation,
Okay, stop, It's racial epithet, more like,
It's-- It's offensive, right?
I think it's offensive,
Right?That's right, Ted,
It is offensive,
TED: See?Okay,
MARIANA: But your father and I are friends,
Amongst friends words can change,
Epithets can sometimes become endearments,
Mm-hmm,MARIANA: Sometimes,
It's all in how you tell the story,
Right? Honky?
[MARTY LAUGHS]
MARTY [LAUGHING]: Honky,
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Yanks can't beat the Sox at Fenway pitch,
Where are you, Marty? I'm home,
They had to let me go after three days,
Like Jesus, That's nice,
[TED COUGHS] Watching the game?
Yeah, I got it on,
COMMENTATOR 1: Here's Yankee shortstop Bucky Dent,
MARTY: Bucky Dent? Ah, automatic out,
I wish they had nine Bucky Dent's,
I like Bucky Dent, He has a good glove,
Great contact hitter,
Sox are gonna blow it
like they do every year since 1918,
Ah, my chest feels like Thurman Munson's
jumping on it, that fat clutch mother,,,
[COUGHS]
I renounce God for this cancer,
Why did he make beautiful tobacco
if he didn't want us to smoke it, huh?
Ironic bastard,
[MARTY COUGHING]
Hey, wait, you got somebody staying with you, right, Marty?
MARTY [COUGHING:] Huh? What?
No,
Maybe I should come to Jersey and stay with you for a while,
Uh, just for like a-- A couple days,
MARTY [COUGHING]: Yeah,
TED: Till you feel better, Yeah,
Dad? Yeah,
What do you think?I said, yeah, damn it,
[DIAL TONE BUZZES]
[INDISTINCT COMMENTARY IN BACKGROUND]
NEWSCASTER: Well, folks, it's almost July
and the Sox are dominating the East,
while the Bronx Bombers seem more interested
in fighting amongst themselves,
MARTY: There goes the neighborhood,
Nice luggage,
So how have you been doing, Marty?
Aside from the cancer, terrific,
I piss vermouth and shit silver dollars,
Well, that sounds lucrative if not painful,
You should get it checked out,
MARTY: Oh, I am done checking things out,
I'm done with doctors, fucking fascists,
I also got a bit of the gout and heart disease,
I actually had open-heart surgery,
but it was unsuccessful,
My heart remained closed,
That's a good one,This way for the--
The tour of your illustrious past,
Yeah,
[HINGES CREAKING]
TED: Oh God,
Marty,
[COUGHING]
MARTY: Teddy, I'm gonna order some dinner,
I'll order some pizza, You want mushroom pizza?
Mushroom pizza,[GAGS]
Can I help you with something?
Nah, I just like looking at you,
Oh, hey-- Oh, oh, no, no,
I have a system,
So I mean, do you want to--
Do you want to talk about anything?
Do you?
It's cool, We don't--
We don't have to talk if you don't want,
Sounds like you want to talk, do you?
Do I-- Do I what? Want to? Or do I not want to?
Yeah, I'm asking,TED: Whatever you want,
MARTY: Seems we are talking,
Are we?
My lips and tongue are moving
and I am forcing air through my teeth,
TED: Yeah, you're right,
That is commonly known as talking,
We're talking about talking,
It feels good, don't it?
This father-son rapprochement
after a few years of deafening silence
and unreturned phone calls?
Can't beat it,
You shouldn't smoke that shit, Not with your lungs,
[LIGHTER SCRATCHES]
[CLEARS THROAT]
[LID POPS]
[INHALING]
MARTY: Hmm,
TED: Marty, Marty, Marty,
You win, you win, you win, Look, you win,
Uh-huh, uh-huh,TED: You win,
[SPITS]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[DOOR CREAKS]
[MARTY GROANS]
MARTY: Losers and jokers,
Looks good, huh?
TED: Yeah, that's good,
Hey, what was that, um--
What's that nurse's story?
What was it? It was Mary, Maria? Mariana? Something Spanishy?
"Hey, something Spanishy,"TED: What?
[MARTY LAUGHING]
MARTY: You goddamn well know her name,
It's probably the only reason you're here
is the off chance she might show up,
Probably sniffed her card,
Forget about her, though, She's out of your league,
You don't have enough sap,
[MICROWAVE DINGS]Okay,
Thanks for that,
Yeah,
How can there be five channels?
Five channels and nothing worth watching,
Mute, mute, mute, mute, mute,
You don't have to say the word mute,
Just pressing the button is enough,
Mute, mute, mute,
[GROANS]
I don't know why you're so pissed at me, Teddy,
Your mother loved you enough for the both of us,
It made you soft,
You got no fight in you,Okay,
Well, Mom said I was sick as a baby,
MARTY: You got sick once,
One time,
And she overreacted ever after that,
One little sniffle and here came the hazmat suit,
Even if I wanted to, I couldn't get through
all that smothering mother love to get to you,
TED: Yeah, well, maybe she gave me all of her mother love,
because you wouldn't let her give you any of her wife love,
Hmm? You ever thought about that?
Well, there you go, You should thank me,
Okay, thank you for what?
Thank me for with my coldness and aloofness as a husband,
freeing up your mom to give you all that mother love
that creates confidence in a young man,
Yes, confidence, That's rich, Yeah, yeah,
I'm an unpublished loser, Marty, okay?
I'm-- I'm Mr, Peanut, for crying out loud,
Hey, shut up,
You know, if anybody else talked about you
the way you talk about yourself,
I'd knock him on their ass,
Oh, my hero, You know what we should do?
Maybe we should get the
seize-the-narrative-of-your-life death-nurse here
to coach us on our story, right?
Because I don't buy any of this new age bullshit, okay?
You cannot just change the story
because you don't like the way that you come off,
I'm not your pimp, you ingrate,Oh, well, that's how you feel?
I'm gonna pack my trash bags and I'll go,
Well, just tell me what you want me to apologize for and I will,
I don't have time,
I was a lousy husband and a lousy father,
And so were millions of other guys,
TED: Oh, thank you for that, That was really beautiful,
I especially love the rationalization at the end,
It-- It really meant a lot to me,
I'm sorry!
Okay, for what?Okay!
What are you sorry for?
What?
Everything,
Just all of it,
Just universal blanket apology,
No, No, no blankets, okay? That's cheating,
Okay, everything like what?
Blanket, I take the blanket,
TED: See? You don't even know,
It's a million little things,
Sorry for a million little things,
You happy now?
Yeah, sure,
Happy,
MARTY: Jesus, Teddy,
You wear the ring I gave your mother
on our wedding day on your pinkie,
Yeah, well, she left it to me in her will, so,,,
She didn't want you to wear it, That's weird,
That's why I gave it to Bonnie,
Who's Bonnie?
Who's Bonnie? My ex-wife,
Oh, Yeah,TED: Fuck, Marty!
Yeah, she gave it back to me after we split,
Do you remember that?It's still not cool
for you to be wearing it,
Your mom wanted you to give it to a woman,
What woman? Hmm?
Any woman with a vagina, for the love of God,
Those kind of the ones with the vaginas kind,
Yeah, well, it's vaginae, not vaginas, okay?
It's Latin, The plural of vagina is vaginae,
[LAUGHS] Oh! Professor,
That is precisely the type of comment
which will ensure that you see neither hide
nor hair of a vagina
or a vaginae for a very long time,
You know, it's almost as if you want me to apologize to you,
Oh, I'm all ears, baby,Oh, Jesus Christ,
Okay, I'm sorry Mom loved me more than she loved you,
Okay, I-- I really am,
In fact, you don't know how sorry I am
and you will never know how sorry that I am, Marty,
Enjoy your food,
[DOOR SLAMS]
I accept your apology,
NEWSCASTER: Well, sports fans, it's August,
The dog days have arrived, but the Bosox continue
to dominate the summer of '78
in their magical quest to vanquish,
the ghost of Babe Ruth,
Dad, what--? What are you doing?
You know, during my infrequent bouts of self-reflection
when I look back upon my life
and thought that what I've done hasn't amounted to much,
Then I see it laid all out before me like this,
All the years making stupid people
want stupid dreck they didn't need,
Well, it makes me want to put a gun to my head,
[SIGHS]
TED: Hey, hey, hey, hey, Come on,
A little dab will do ya, Right? That's a classic,
Double your pleasure, double your fun,
That's a-- That's a lasting part of the culture,
Stop, you make me want to puke,
I was a little cog in a big machine,
Hey, you being an ad man put food on the table,
Put you through college,
TED: Put me through college,
So you could throw peanuts at Puerto Ricans,
And Dominicans,
Burn it all,
Bonfire the inanities,
You want, I can--
I can jump in there with the rest of crappy output,
I don't think that's funny,No?
A little doob will do you?
Are you high all the time, son?
No, no,
Oh, but that is my-- My ambition,
MARTY:Ha-ha,
[DOOR CLOSES]
[COUGHING]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]MARTY: Teddy, get the door,
I'm on the throne,Yeah, yeah, I'll get it,
Oh,
Hello, the nurse of death,
Hi,
It's really nice of you to come be with your dad,
For me?
For the house,
[MARIANA CLEARS THROAT]
So how long do you plan to stay?
Uh, until one of us kills the other,
So like Tuesday,
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
You know, you look like your dad under all that hair,
No, actually I look like my mom, yeah, with a beard,
Hmm,
Well, she didn't have a beard, Not as thick as mine,
But okay,
You know, there's nothing wrong with being like your dad,
MARTY: Oh, is that the lovely Mariana?
Ah, it's yoga time,
You kids are crazy with the yoga,
Hey, Ted, check it out, I do the Jewish-style yoga,
[MARTY CHANTING]
[CHUCKLES]
MARTY: Ow!
Oh, my God,
MARTY: Vey,
"The Doublemint Man,
"You've seen the Doublemint Man on the street,
"You may not know it, but you've seen him,
"A man who leads two lives
"not because of some chemically mandated schizophrenia,
but out of a hot conscious choice,"
MARTY: The Doublemint Man wasn't looking for anything,
But on this Sunday, he was having some control problems,
CATCHER: All four, men on four,
MARTY: His catcher Raul had a quasi-religious respect
for the black magic in his skinny right arm,
and though Raul was aware
that the gringo knew very little Spanish,
he felt his arm might be bilingual,
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
MARTY: And maybe Raul was right,
As I said, he wasn't looking,
He had a wife, kids, a good job,
But in this woman's smile was a rip
in the fabric of time,
and everything he didn't know,,,
"He didn't know,"
MARTY &amp; TED: "It was like that first fish
that was used to pulling oxygen out of water,"
MARTY: Separating the O molecule from the H2
and then suddenly, a jump onto land
and nothing but pure terrifying oxygen,
A fairy-tale man fish,
half in one world, half in the other,
suspended happily in the once killing air,
Hey, Edgar Allen Peanut, go to work,
MARTY: ♪ Rise and shine ♪
♪ And give God Your glory, glory ♪
♪ Rise and shine ♪
♪ And give God Your glory, glory ♪
♪ Rise and shine ♪
♪ And give God Your glory, glory ♪
♪ Children of the Lord ♪
♪ The Lord said to Noah ♪
♪ There's gonna be A floody, floody ♪
♪ The Lord said to Noah ♪
♪ There's gonna be A floody, floody ♪
♪ Get those children Out of the muddy, muddy ♪
♪ Children of the Lord ♪
♪ Animals, they came on ♪
♪ They came on By twosies, twosies ♪
♪ Animals, they came on ♪
♪ They came on by twosies Twosies ♪
♪ Elephants and kangaroosies Roosies ♪
♪ Children of the Lord ♪
Boston's up 5 1/2 games, Teddy,
Boston is up five and one half games over the Yankees
you tristate area elites!
Okay,You New Jersey nincompoops,
Okay, okay,[LAUGHS]
Thank you, They've heard you,
How old are you, Teddy?
Thirty-three,
How the hell did that happen?
I don't know,
You don't look right for 33,
Thank you,
Something too old and too young about you at the same time,
you know what I mean?
No, I don't,
[♪♪]
BENNY: You see, you can't change anything anyway
if you don't like it,
It's already cut,I had a full head of hair!
Benny, Tango, Sam, Schtikker,
Whoa!It's Marty!
Remember my adopted daughter, Ted,
the peanut man from Yankee Stadium?
I'm not adopted,
Ah look, one of only 12 vice presidents
of the seventh largest ad agency
in all of southern New Jersey,
Back from the dead, Marty, you look tremendous,
Loan me 50,MARTY: Fuck you,
Hey, guys, How are you doing? I'm not adopted, by the way,
This is Teddy, the little splinter,
I remember when you're yea big,
Oy vey, Oh, what a beautiful head of hair,
Would you--? Would you like a trim?
Yes, he would, Yes, he would,No, no, thank you,
I think you would look very good with a James Dean,
Word to the wise, my friend, Kojak over there,
he cuts his own hair,BENNY: Oh!
Kojak? Every day with the Kojak,
Forget him, kidding, Ow! what a grip like a vice,
So handsome, loan me 50,
[LAUGHS]
Girls, you like girls, Teddy?
Jury's out on that,
SCHTIKKER: Teddy, how about some reading material?
Weed? Club? Penthouse? BENNY: No, no, no,
You don't want that weed, Penthouse!
BENNY: That's too much,
Teddy, I read in TIMEmagazine, true story,
I can guess your age by sticking my thumb up your ass,
No, it's true, it's science,
Like rings on a tree,
Yeah, we plumbed your dad a couple of weeks ago,
Still can't sit comfortably,
[LAUGHTER]BENNY: Turns out he's only 60,
But my ass is 100,
Hey, and the squirrels have a problem in the winter
because they got to put their nuts up there, right?
[LAUGHS]
Jesus, Ted, who raised you?
[ALL LAUGH]
BENNY: Jesus, The squirrels with the nuts,
Must be big city squirrels,SCHTIKKER: Who loves you, baby?
[WHIRRING]
MARIANA: Hello?
Okay,
Hello?
Nurse of death,
MARIANA: Oh, thank you,
It's yoga time,
Oh, he, um, he already went back to bed, so,,,
Sox lost, huh?
Yeah,
Right, for the house,
MARIANA: Okay, bye,
Yeah,
Hey, wait, wait a minute,
Um, you know, I do the yoga,
Oh, this feels so nice,
You're very tight,
Yeah, I think it's like, I throw a lot of peanuts,
Well, tightness is all the peace, right?
It's spiritual, it's emotional,
it's intellectual, it's sexual,
[COUGHING]
[SIGHS]
MARIANA: So why don't we do um, corpse pose?
Shavasana, That's how we rehearse for death,
Oh, so ready,
[GRUNTS]
Hey, you like the Dead, huh?
Huh?
The-- The band you tattooed,
The Grateful Dead?
Oh, it's a band, huh?
Oh, That's weird,
I saw it in a tattoo parlor and I thought it was cool,
A band?
Yeah, it's a band, It's an institution,
Hmm,Yeah, what about that one?
The Christ one?
Very talkative for a corpse,
Yeah, well,
I like to get to know people--
Yeah, you know what?
Don't ask me questions about myself, okay?
That's not what we're doing here,
I don't want you to get the wrong idea,
Wrong idea? I have no idea,
Okay, then it's one-way street,
Okay, I gotta go,
Oh,
"Box of Rain,"Yep,
MARIANA: That's my favorite Dead song,
And "Sugar Magnolia" is a close second,
And Jerry Garcia is a god,
Okay, bye,
MARTY: Teddy, where the hell are you?
Ah, an hour of yoga
and the splinter's a trout on a hook,
If the splinter cuts that stupid hippie hair,
then I know the splinter's a goner,
Can you stop referring to me in third person, please?
And what is with the lid, Captain?
You going lugeing or something?Oh, there it is,
I've been looking for this thing for 20 minutes,
When the Sox hit a skid, I go for a swim at the Y,
I wash away their sins in the holy water
of the Young Man's Hebrew Association,
Come with me, You gotta drive, They took my license,
Fucking fascists,
If anyone knows how to drink and drive, it's me,
Oh,
You gonna get dressed?
Yeah,
You gotta get undressed first,
The splinter is aware of this,
Are you uptight naked in front of your father?
No,
I changed your diapers,
I don't recall,
Are you serious?
I-I can't, okay? Just turn around,
Turn your head, Turn around,Come on,
It can't be any worse than this, Look at this disaster,
I look like an old woman with a dead sparrow
where my cock should be,
Behold,
What happened to your pubes?
Oh, that's another side effect from the mess
the docs don't tell you about,
Penis baldness, A bald schvantz,
The horror, Balls too?
Balls too, what?
Hairless,As a couple quail eggs,
Now quit stalling and take 'em off,
No, no, no, I can't,
Take 'em off or I will,Hey, hey, don't,
Don't, stop, I can do it, I can do it, okay?
Oh, God,
Okay? You happy?
You know for the record, it goes without saying,
I was just swimming, okay?
That's a perfectly respectable prick you got there, son,
[TOILET FLUSHING]
[COUGHING]
[MARTY COUGHING]
Stop coughing,
You stop coughing,
Hey, you know, Dad, I-- I've been--
I've been reading your novel,
It's really good, actually,
You were supposed to let that piece of nonsense burn,
No, it's got some really nice writing in it,
You should save it,Yeah?
You know, when sometimes you take a really nice shit,
you spend some time admiring it,
but you still flush it down, right?
Have you ever thought about getting published?
Writing crap novels didn't feed hungry mouths,
Sox lost again, Fuck,
[COUGHS]
Going back to bed,
[♪♪]
Hey, there-- There's Teddy, Teddy!
Teddy! Hey!
Come on! Come on over here!
Come on,
It's the Splinter!
Hey!Hey, Teddy,
Good morning, gentlemen, How you doing?
Marty couldn't make it,
You know, he's not feeling too good, so,,,
I knew we wouldn't see him today,
Not when the Sox lose,
Yeah, if we did, he'd be in that wheelchair,
BENNY: Mm-hmm,
Oh, you mean like psychosomatic, huh?
BENNY: Yeah, yeah, yeah,
One time after the Sox lost,
I cut out a box score from a game they won
and replaced it in the paper,
As an experiment, right?
Your dad came in that morning in a wheelchair,
He fell asleep while the Sox were down,
He figured they lost,
We told him they made a comeback
and showed him the phony box score,
Guess what?What?
Adiós wheelchair, adiós cane,
He walked home,Nah, he danced,
SCHTIKKER: Cured himself, Yeah, cured himself,
Who's telling the story here?
You have to interrupt?
TANGO SAM: You, unfortunately,
Curse over cancer,
BENNY: Curse over cancer,
TANGO SAM: Curse over cancer,
Amen,
MARTY: The Ruskies dropped the bomb,
We're the only ones left,
Nothing exists outside this dream,
No world, no people, no sun, no moon, no time,
Just you and me,
10 1/2, 12, 10 1/2, shit,
8 1/2, 5, 1 1/2,
Hey, Wake-- Wake up,MARTY: Even, Even,
Dad, Dad, wake up, wake up,Ah!
Hey, hey,Oh, Teddy,
Teddy, it was horrible, Ted,What?
We had in August, We have to get back in September,
What do we have to--The lead, Teddy,
The Sox gave it all back to the Yankees,
And I had to die,
Billy Martin came for my soul like a damn Yankees,
Don't let it happen, Ted,
Don't let 'em give it all away, Don't let me die,
O-- Okay,Don't let me die,
Okay, Dad,
Don't let me die,
Please, don't let me die,
Don't let me die,
["EASY STREET" BY AMANAZ PLAYING]
[ALARM BEEPS]
♪ Get me down to Easy Street ♪
♪ If that's where You wanna be ♪
♪ Feelin' groovy Feelin' funky ♪
♪ Everyone on Easy Street ♪
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]
♪ People say a lot of things ♪
♪ Down in Easy Street ♪
♪ Get together Stand together ♪
♪ That's the only way to live ♪
[BEEPING]
Come on, man,
NEWSCASTER: Well, folks, with only weeks left in the season,
the bickering Bronx Bombers have overtaken
the Big Pit Bosox at the wire,
MARIANA: What's on your mind, Ted?
Why'd you want to see me?
Well, the fucking choking Sox are losing
and Marty's mental and physical health is
literally depending on whether the Sox win or lose,
Okay, so I am creating a safe zone around Marty
where the Sox can't lose,
Benny, some turd farmer keeps stealing my newspaper,
Well, you will be the only one pleased to know
that the Red Sox won and the Yankees lost,
Yes, yes, most certainly,
The prospects for ending the curse of the Bambino
looked very rosy for the Red Stockings of Boston,
And I, for one, I'm for Clement,
I like the way this campaign has been trending,
For Clement, We're all for Clement,
Yeah, yeah, we all are,
MARTY: Ah, fantastic, That's a pick-me-up,
That way he stays even keel, you know?
Thinking the Sox have this big lead that hasn't shrunk,
and gives us some time to, you know,
keep him healthy until the Sox get their shit together,
If Sox get their shit together,
Yeah, and I've got everybody in this bubble, okay?
I've even got the boy who delivers papers, right?
He's a Yankee fan,
We're bribing him, giving him carte blanche
to curse all he wants, as long as he acts like the Yanks lost,
whether they did or didn't,BOY: Yankees lost,
Motherfucking French kiss big boob nibble whore,
MARTY: Wow,
I like this kid,
Yeah, okay, okay, Pull it-- Pull it back,
Hey, tomorrow's another day,
It's a long season,
Eat my balls, Red Sox,
Boob penis,
Boob penis, indeed,
And look, if Marty gets wise to it,
I'll just create rainouts,
So there won't be any games for the Sox or the Yanks,
Just keep him in that house,
Time stands still,
Right, What about TV?
Don't you guys watch the games on TV?
I took the tube out of the TV,
Goddamn TV's only 15 years old
and it's broken already?
Fascists!
TED: And you,
you are the only other person
that sees it regularly, so,,,
Welcome to the Fullaker bubble of safety, Yeah?
See, I just-- I didn't want you to inadvertently
give away the standings
or the real dire situation and blow me by mistake,
You're gonna have to sit with that one a while,
He's your father, Ted,
You don't need my permission for anything,
But remember, death is the only part of the story
we can't rewrite,
And don't worry, I won't blow you,
Not even by mistake,
See you!
[♪♪]
MARTY: Yes,
Boob penis,
Go Sox!
Ass nipples, penis hole, naked sex,
fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Ass nipples?
You hear that, Teddy?
Ass nipples, baby, you know what that means,
Go Sox!
Okay, you kids, enjoy your walk,
No, newspapers,
[MOUTHS] I know,
And make sure he wears a-- A hat,
Okay, Marty? Remember your hat, okay?
[WHISPERS] No TV,
No radio,
[LOUDLY] Okay, bye!
MARTY: Bye, Mom,
Okay, time to change the weather,
[♪♪]
Come on, Jeffrey, right here,
I got-- I got everything in the back, okay?
There's a ladder waiting for you, okay?
Get right up there, You know what to do,,,
[WHISPERING]
MARIANA: Bye, Marty, See you tomorrow,
TED: Oh, hi,
I'm-- I'm so glad that you guys made it back
before the big storm,
Yeah, real whopper coming, Annie M,
Better batten down the hatches,
Bye!Bye!
MARTY: It is fixing to blow!
[MARTY COUGHING]
That's a gate drug,
TED: Narc, It's for the pain,
What pain?Exactly, How's your pain?
I don't have any pain, Fathers don't get to have pain,
Why are you acting so weird, man?
Are you-- Are you doing the cocaine now too?
Nothing, man, What are you doing?
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Jesus, that sounded like it was close,
[RAIN PATTERING]
It's weird, It was so nice out for my walk,
Yeah,
It's really coming down,Yeah, yeah,
It's gonna be a-- A rainout,
Hmm, hmm, hmm,
Day off for Mr, Peanut,
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[♪♪]
There's nothing better on a rainy day,
Oh, I've heard about this,
This is what they call, "peer pressure,"
TED: Yeah,That leads to harder stuff,
That's a gate drug,
Okay, gateway,
Come on, Come on!
All right, but do not tell Mariana, okay?
'Cause she will kill me,You didn't raise a snitch,
All right, Come on,
I'm gonna shotgun it,
That sounds dangerous,
Yeah, open up,I want that,
TED: Hold it, Hold it in,
How long?
Now, now, now, now,
[BLOWS]
[CHUCKLES]
Nothing,
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Don't touch me,
Where do they hide this stuff? It's fantastiche,
They don't hide it,It's marvelous,
Give me the phone,
I need to make some calls,
I want to tell the world about it,
TED: No, the world knows,Hello, Mr, President,
The world knows, Dad,
[COUGHS]
[LAUGHING]MARTY: Teddy,
Yes, yes, Marty,Can't feel my arm,
Oh, well, I can see, it's still there,
No, no, no, no, It's actually, it's fantastiche,
Usually, it throbs like, uh-- Like an angry jellyfish,
but now because of the reefer,
it's like it's just floating there on a bed of cotton candy,
What's so funny?
You know you're named after Ted Williams?
The splendid splinter,
That's why you're the little splinter,
Did you just say reefer?
[BOTH LAUGH]
MARTY: Teddy, watch,
Look at this, This is a latch,
[MIMICS GATE CREAKING OPEN]
It's a gate,
Opening, open the gate,
Now I'm walking through the gate,
[BOTH LAUGH]
Thanks, Marcel Marceau, It's gateway,
Teddy, let me explain something to you,
I must have all your marijuana, because my reality is abysmal,
Ergo, why remain in it?
While you, on the other hand, should not have any marijuana,
because old as you are,
you have not made your true reality yet,
Therefore, that negates the need to escape from it,
You're escaping from something that doesn't exist yet,
And I'm not even referencing your failed marriage,
Forget her, Fuck her,
She doesn't exist, okay?Okay,
But if you remade, if you remade your reality
and you found it to your liking,
then that would negate the need to escape from it
through the use of marijuana,
And if you remade your reality
and found it not 100 percent to your liking,
then you could come to me, your father,
because I would have all your marijuana
that you just gave to me in this moment right now,
And then I would gladly share that marijuana back with you,
I'm exhausted,
[LAUGHS]
You win, Okay?
You win it all, All of it,
All of the reefer is yours,
Hey, I wanted to-- I wanted to uh--
I wanted to tell you that I'm almost finished
reading your-- Your novel,
And I just, I'm loving the collagist,
postmodern pastiche stuff,
It's-- It's super cool,
I mean-- And underneath there's a--
There's a skeleton of a book there,
There is, you know?
And I'm even digging
the star-crossed Romeo and Juliet plot,
you know, of all things,
I mean, the writing, it's lived in,
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, it's lived in,
[CLEARS THROAT]
It's not a novel,
What do you-- What do you mean?
It's a journal, Teddy,
My life at the time,
I just wrote it up in artsy-fartsy novel form
and threw in some curve balls
to throw the snoops off the scent,
Snoops, you mean Mom, me?
A journal? What do you mean? Wait, wait, you mean it's true?
The story about this-- This Eva woman?
Did you love her?
What does the book say?
What?
Why didn't you-- Why didn't you leave then?
'Cause it wasn't right, Okay?
That's when I got into the Sox,
Buy me some time during the day
when I could sit and daydream about Eva,
Nobody could bother me when I was watching the Sox,
Remember, Teddy?
I could be elsewhere, you know, anywhere,
Disappear into my own mind for years,
And then one day I found that I wasn't thinking about
Eva Maria Gonzalez so much,
I was thinking about the Sox,
Maybe the Sox and Eva had merged and become one,
At any rate, after a while
it just didn't seem to hurt so much anymore,
So you-- You--
You checked out of both worlds, hers and ours?
This isn't an apology, son,
My life was shit and I made it that way,
because that's what I deserved,
Well, that may be what you deserved,
but we-- We deserved more from you,
Mom and me,
I don't want to fight anymore,
I can't help your mother,
God rest her soul,
She deserved better and I wish I could have talked to her more
when she was alive, but I didn't,
And you, whatever,,,
Whatever you need or needed,,,
can't you just believe that,,,
Can't you just make believe that I'm giving it to you
or I gave it to you?
Can you do that for me, Teddy?
Can you--
Can you lie for us?
Can you lie for me?
I gotta go to bed,
I think I smoked too much of the reefer,
NEWSCASTER: Well, folks, with only eight games left to play,
the Yankees are still holding off the Cinderella Sox,
Do you hear the chimes of midnight, Boston?
Dunellen,
[♪♪]
So many Gonzalezes and not enough dime,
Hola, is Eva Gonzalez there?
Por favor,
Hola, is Eva Gonzalez there?
No Eva Gonzalez aqui?
You don't speak English? Hello--
No, no, I don't speak Spanish,
[LIPS SPUTTER]
Does your father know that you're looking for this woman?
No,Hmm,
I just-- I just want to know what is real and what is not,
I want to know why, or meet--
Meet the reason why my father checked out,
Maybe I just want to know why I'm-- I'm absent too,
you know, like my-- My father, or not, uh,,,
Whatever, This,,,
This hole inside of-- You know,
why I give up so easily?
At what?
At everything, everything,
My marriage, life, my writing,
I mean, I think this is above my pay grade,
I'm a death specialist, not a life specialist,
See, that is-- That's fucked up,
That's where I-- I just think you're wrong, you know,
I think that-- Sorry, but I think that your--
Your seize-the-narrative stuff is too abstract, you know,
I'm-- I'm the guy who's saying let's really do it,
Let-- Let's help Marty rewrite his love story,
Let's change this tragedy into a fairytale, right?
I think your hope and ambition,,,
are beautiful,
And ridiculous,[LAUGHS]
Which is a winning combination,
TED: I got nada Spanish,
So I might need a little help tracking down this Eva Gonzalez,
How do you say building?
[IN SPANISH] Camarón,
I just love all these post-war camaróns,
That's really good, Ted,
What about that car?
Uh, that's,,,
[IN SPANISH] Culo,
Hmm,Yeah,
I-- I know it's wrong,
but I just love all those big old gas-guzzling culos,
[SNICKERS]
Eva Gonzalez?
Here you are,Thank you,
TED: Eva? Eva Gonzalez?
Eva Gonzalez?
Is that your big plan now?
You're just gonna yell her name?
You think that's gonna work, Nancy Drew?
No,
I guess they had a deal about this other woman,
Eva, your mom and dad, and you,
No, there was no deal,
My mom didn't know and neither did I,
I'd say you both knew enough not to want to know more,
which is totally understandable,
But the problem with getting into the habit
of not knowing what you know
is that eventually you lose touch with what you do know,
and you don't know it anymore,
and then you don't know what you know, you know?
And then when you remember,
it can be a very unpleasant surprise,
Wait, were you just speaking Spanish?
'Cause I didn't understand a thing you said,
Yes, you did,
Eva![LAUGHS]
E-- Eva Gonzalez!
Eva!Eva!
MARIANA: Eva Gonzalez!Eva Gonzalez!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[THUNDERING, RAIN PATTERING]
Come on, boys, bring the thunder,
MARIANA: Okay, little Lord Fenway,
I'll tell you something personal,
Yes, Finally,
I wanted to be an FBI agent,
Why, you narc?
[BOTH LAUGH]Why?
I had a lot of anger in my life at one point,
'cause I wanted to feel protected
or wanted to be the protector,
And I even went down to Virginia
and started my training, and I asked my instructor,
"What's the most important thing you can tell an agent?"
And he said, "If you get shot, you don't have to die,"
I-- I don't get it,
'Cause they see a lot of agents who die
from gunshot wounds that aren't fatal,
Because your brain sees the bullet and the blood
and goes, "Oh, I've been shot, now I die,"
That's good shit,And that's when I realized
that the mind is a much more
powerful protector than a bullet,
And I made a change,
From narc to death nurse,
[LAUGHS] That's a story I wish I could write,
Well, you can't, 'cause it's mine,
And if you do, I'll shoot you,
Hmm,
BOY: Ass nipples!
Fucking big titty rainout!
Fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
[CHUCKLES]
TED: I've written 12 unpublished novels,
Again, not to brag, but I don't--
I do think I might have the--
The record for peanut vendors who-- Who write,
MARIANA: Hmm, That shows,,,
Delusion?
Hmm, perseverance,
Purity,
And delusion,
Señor Peanut! Whoa,
Señor Peanut! Aqui!
Ah, yeah, sí, sí! Ah, yeah,
Aqui, Cacahuete,
Cacahuete,Yeah, I'm famous, Señor Cacahuete!
[LAUGHING]
These are my people,Mr, Peanut!
I'm like the Beatles of legumes,
You can't take me anywhere, These are my people,
MAN: Quick catch!TED: That's right!
Hi, hello,
Your eyes,,,
Splinter?
No, Eva Gonzales?
MARIANA: Holy shit,
It worked,
Come on, Dad,
What have you got to lose?
She said she wants to see you,
I thought, you know,
maybe you could get some of that,
uh, what's that word you use?
Closure,Closure! Closure,
Closure's for morons,
Spiffy, spiffmeister looking spiffy,
I look ridiculous,
I look like a vertical corpse, like a pterodactyl,
People love dinosaurs,
You look super fly, Mr, Fullaker,
I would be proud to be on your arm,
Spiffmeister,
[POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Hello?
[♪♪]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]
I cook for you!
[ALL LAUGHING]
I thought he was cute,
He was really cute,TED: What happened?
EVA: I don't know, but I liked that haircut,
You want me to help you with it?
I'm giving it right back,
I kind of think I look like I'm his son,
[♪♪]
[GASPS]
Oh, my,,,
Those are good-looking people,
EVA: We were so young,
So for how long were you guys together?
MARTY: Oh,
How long together?
We were never together in the first place,
We were both married,
My husband died 15 years ago,
I was a very moral, amoral man,
What about the journal?
Can't believe everything you read,
TED: I just feel a little weird,
like I'm betraying my mother kind of,
MARIANA: No, it's very beautiful,
And I'm kind of proud of my boy,
He's saying something,
Come on, come on,
[EVA SPEAKING SPANISH][WHISPERING] Come on,
[MOUTHING] Stop! No!
I need a translator, Come here,
I need a translator,
They're so goddamn cute,
[EVA SPEAKING SPANISH]
What-- What'd she say?
What'd she say?
She says even the old lion is still a king,
It's very Telemundo, but surprisingly effective,
TED: Mm-hmm,
"That's right, lover, I've dreamed of your touch,"
What?
That's what she said,
Oh, Oh, right,
[EVA MOANING][MARTY CHUCKLES]
EVA: Papi,do it, papi,
"Yes, Daddy, Do it, Daddy,"
Okay, it was half in English, Maybe we should,,,
[EVA MOANING]
Right now, she's basically giving him ownership of her ass,
Signing over the deed,Yeah, okay, I got the--
I got the gist, thank you, Let's-- Let's go for a walk,
Let these frisky kids have some privacy,
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
I can hear culonow? Why are they talking about cars?
I don't know, Your dad's Spanish is quite sincere and specific,
He's saying that--Okay, no, no, no, no,
No specifics, I don't need specifics,
EVA: Ay, papi, Ay, papi! No, no, no papi,
I can't-- I can't unhear this, I need to get out of here,
I'm dizzy, My ears are bleeding,
I will-- I will wait for you in the culo,okay?
[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]
[MOANS AND LAUGHS]
[SIGHS]
Alone at last,
MARTY: Yeah, I thought those kids would never leave,
[♪♪]
[GRUNTS AND COUGHS]
Was I such a bad man back then, Teddy?
No,
You weren't such a bad man then,
[COUGHING]
[CRYING]
[♪♪]
[BABY CRYING]
[GASPS]
[COUGHS]
What the hell?
[♪♪]
You've got to be kidding me,
How bad can it be, right?
How bad can it be?
[♪♪]
Dad?
[CAR HORN BLARES]
MAN: Hey asshole, get off the road!
Dad?
Oh, shit,
Dad? Dad?
Dad?
[PANTING]
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
Oh, they blew it,
Losers,
They blew it all,
Losers,
[GRUNTS]
Dad?
Dad! Dad!
Dad, Dad,
No more lies, Teddy,
No more lies,
[MARTY GRUNTS AND COUGHS]
Some-- Somebody help us! Please call an ambulance!
[COUGHING]Help!
Help us![SIREN WAILING DISTANTLY]
[MONITORS BEEPING]
TED: You were right,
It's a stupid bubble,
When the bubble burst, he couldn't take it,
It's all my fault,
Maybe,
But ultimately, this isn't about you,
Well, goodbye, Ted,
Goodbye?
I can't do anything for your father now,
It's not personal,
Oh-- Okay, last night felt pretty personal,
It was,
And it was beautiful,
But it was a mistake,
and unprofessional of me to get involved like that,
You can report me if you want,
Oh, okay, yeah, I'll report you for blowing me by mistake,
Okay? That's what I'll do,
I'm s-- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I-- I--
I'm trying to get to know you,
You know, I just need a little bit more time,
I'm rusty at this-- This boy-girl thing,
Why?
Why do you want to get to know me, huh?
'Cause you want to be my savior now too?
No,You want to make my team win?
You want to make it rain when I want a rainy day
and take all my suffering away?
Just put me in a little pain-free bubble,
like a little fucking princess,
Well, go ahead, I'm waiting,
Make me a promise,
Do you have that power?
Do you?
I didn't think so,
And make no mistake,
I don't help people live,
I help them die,
Everybody's dying,
NEWSCASTER: Well, sports fans, after tanking much of September,
Boston is holding on tight,
only one game behind with three to play,
Do you believe in fairy tales?
[MONITORS BEEPING]
MARTY: Baseball is the only game that death is jealous of,
Baseball defeats time,
Only baseball has the possibility
of going on forever,
Peanuts!
MARTY: As long as you don't get that third out
in the ninth inning, there's a chance you could win,
A chance that you could play on,
A chance that you will never die,
TED: Sox made up the game, Dad,
They're still in there,
See?
I'm not making it up,
[CAR HORN HONKS]
"We regret to inform you,"
I regret you,
I regret every one of you,
Every one of you,
[♪♪]
Hey, Dad,
Just digging around in the basement,
And guess what?
Guess what I found?
We're gonna wake up today,
Okay?
[HOWLS]
[GRUNTING]
[MIMICKING MONKEY GIBBERING]
♪ O say, can you see ♪
♪ By the dawn's early,,, ♪
♪ Early light ♪
♪ What so proudly we hailed ♪
NEWSCASTER: Well, folks, if you're a Red Sox fan,
this is nightmare material for you,
After 162 games and 60 years
of being removed from the promised land,
the Red Sox and their dreaded rivals the Yankees
will have to play a tiebreaker game
to see who will advance,,,
Now that is some of your best work, Benny, my boy,
Teddy, you did the right thing,
Yeah, I don't know, I don't know,
No, don't beat yourself up,
It's a beautiful thing you did for your father,
Ask Schtikker why he carries that purse,
Tell the kid why you carry the purse,
It's my wife's,
Yeah, and how long has she been dead?
Ask him how long she's been dead, Ted,
How long has your wife been--
Ten years,Ten years,
Ten years,
Death cannot beat love,
TANGO SAM: Just like the Sox can't beat the Yankees,
Loan me 50,
Hey, Dad, playoff's in a few days,
Now, you can wait for the Sox to win
to rise up out of that bed,
or you can get up right now and come with me to Fenway,
Do you smell that? Huh?
Smells like Boston,
Smells like baseball,
Smells like the end of a curse,
Huh?
Come on, Marty,
[MONITORS BEEPING]
I'm sorry, Dad,
I'm sorry I'm such a screwup,
I'm sorry,,,
Mr, Peanut not splendid splinter,
I-- I got in your way,
I got in the way of your writing,
And I've,,,
And I'm sorry I abandoned you, and I punished you,
and so many things,
[SOBS]
Forgive me, Dad,
Forgive me,
Forgive me a million things,
Did you say two tickets?
[TIRES SCREECH]TED: Fenway or bust!
Ooh, look at this,
From Mariana, Isn't that nice?
Oh, Lord, look at that,
I'm good,
Don't you know what it means
when a woman makes you food, you idiot?
I'm sure she cooks for lots of people,
Well, if she does, it's none of your goddamn business, is it?
Fine with bologna,
Mm, More for me,
Those fried bananas, how are they?
Plátanos,jackass,
It's like eating an angel's ass,
Here, try some,
No, no,Come on,
No,
Dummy,
Fuck chemo,
This food is gonna cure me,
I am starting to feel like my old self, you know that?
[COUGHS]Maybe not entirely a good thing,
[LAUGHS] You got a cold?
No, it's just my old cough,
I've always had it since I was a baby,
Yeah,
Baby,
Here, wear my scarf,
It's-- It's 80!
You're 80,You're 10,
I don't need this,
What are you doing?I'm feeling good,
The air,
Mm,
Let's not take the highway,
What, back roads?Yeah, we got a few days,
Take the road not taken, huh?
Sure, Let's get a little lost,
Yeah?
You better know where you're going, Mr, Boston,
♪ Where do you think ♪
♪ You're going to? ♪
♪ And the road you're taking ♪
♪ Has no end ♪
♪ Kelly, my friend ♪
♪ Come back to me ♪
MARTY: If you don't make a play for her,
you'll be masturbating to her memory
for the rest of your life and die alone,
Mm, That's nice,
That's really nice,
Just the paternal wisdom that I've been yearning for,
Father knows breast,
Take it or leave it,
Yeah! I think I'll leave it,
MARTY: I never saw her laugh till you showed up,
What? MARTY: Mariana,
She never laughed at any of my stuff,
I'm too mean, You're not mean like me,
I never saw her laugh till she laughed at you,
At me? Oh,
At you, with you, inside you, in front of you,
Who cares? She was laughing,
Nothing beats making a good woman laugh,
Uh, so hey, where am I going up here?
Where do I-- Where do I go?
I don't know,
Well, this is getting to be your neck of the woods,
No, it's not,
You're from outside Boston, Dad,
No, I'm not,
The journal says you were born outside of Boston,
and you, as a young man, traveled all around New England
on your Triumph motorcycle,
I can't ride a motorcycle,
Yeah, but you were born in Boston,
No, I've never even been there, actually,
What? What?
What?
Why are you a Sox fan?
I grew up in New York, and I lived in Jersey,
and I like rubbing people the wrong way,
[COUGHING]
Will you wear the scarf, okay?
Just take the-- Take the scarf,Dad, forget your scarf!
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV]
Teddy, call Animal Rescue,
Huh? Why?
I think there's a wounded duck in here,
[FARTS]
Oh, jeez, Dad![LAUGHS]
Oh!
Oh, well, I love fried bananas, but--
[FARTS]But they don't love me,
Sorry, it's just self-defense,
Oh, that is wretched,
That smells like coffee,
peanut butter, blue cheese, and death,
Well, sorry, Wait for it,
[FARTS]Oh!
Not sorry,
Next stop, bean town,
[FARTS]Oh!
Jinx, jinx,
[LAUGHS]Coming in hot,
[FARTS]
Oh, that sounded like a question,
Well, there's your answer, [FARTS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
It smells like an aquarium fucked a sock in here,
[LAUGHING]
I'm gonna call the front desk and complain about us,
No, no, no, it's just a couple of assholes
trying to talk to each other,
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[FARTING]Oh! Ooh, Uh-oh,
Whoopsie,
Okay,
["SUNDAY MORNING" BY AMANAZ PLAYING]
♪ Sunday morning ♪
♪ I was sitting outside ♪
♪ I saw Maggie ♪
♪ Coming on nowhere to me ♪
♪ She said ♪
♪ She tells me she loves me ♪
Hey,
Right in my hand,
Yeah, that's a nice catch, Dad,
MARTY: You know, leaves don't actually turn colors,
The colors are already in them,
They're just covered by so much green chlorophyll,
Well, when winter's come, and they conserve energy,
the trees stop making so much chlorophyll,
and it's then that the reds and the browns
and the oranges become visible, but they were always in there,
Just took impending death to make them known,
Come on, boy, It's fucking nature,
Best teach,
[CHUCKLES]
[COUGHS]
Stop coughing,[COUGHING CONTINUOUS]
Stop coughing,[COUGHING]
Stop coughing!Okay!
I hate that godforsaken cough,
I'm not doing it to piss you off,
I've-- I've always had it, You know that,
I know, I know, I know,
I know,
[COUGHING]
Teddy, Teddy, I can't breathe,
Teddy, I can't breathe,
I need air, Let me out of the car,
Okay, hold on,Can you pull over?
Okay, I'll pull over,Please, please,
I need air,Just one second,
I need air,Okay, okay,
MARTY: Stop the fucking car,
Teddy,
[COUGHS]
Do you want your oxygen, Dad?
No, no,
Dad, the oxygen,No!
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
TED: Dad, you-- You okay?
When you were 9 months old, you got your first cold,
Your mom and I were new parents,
We didn't know what to expect,
We didn't want to rush to the doctor
with every little sniffle, so we-- We waited,
But you didn't get better, You-- You stopped smiling,
We brought you to the doctor, and he gave me this look like,
"Why the fuck did you take so long?"
They rushed you to the hospital,
You had double pneumonia,
and they gave you intravenous antibiotics,
and they gave you a spinal tap,
They put this big, thick needle in your little back,
You tried to cry, and,,,
But your throat was so raw
from all the crying you'd already been doing,
You didn't make any sound,
It was just a kind of a silent scream,
and I wanted to kill myself,
Doctors couldn't figure it out,
but I-- I knew you were dying,
I knew it,
So I waited for them to leave, and I--
I leaned into your little face,
I said, "Come out of him, you weak Nazi motherfucker,
"How dare you hurt a child?
"How dare you attack a little boy?
"Come out of him and into me, Get out of his lungs,
I command you, and get into mine,"
And I-- I inhaled you,
[INHALES AND EXHALES]
I saw a darkness open up in front of me,,,
and it was the darkness of the world if you died,
And I saw there was no getting over losing you,
There was no coming back from that for me,
That I might live,
but life would have no meaning or joy ever again,
It's all right, Dad, I-- I-- I lived,
Yeah,I lived,
You did, You did,
But I-- I couldn't love you like that again,
[SNIFFLES]
I got too scared,
I got too scared to love you like that,
I was a coward,
And I think that as a child you sensed that,,,
that my love was off,
And it broke you,
[SOBS]
It broke you in a place that's too deep to be fixed,
I'm so sorry, Teddy,
I should have never been a father,
Forgive me,
Yeah,
[CRIES]
Forgive me,
That's why Mariana and I clicked,
You mean-- You mean Eva?
MARTY: No, Mariana, She--
She lost an infant daughter to pneumonia,
That's-- That's the tattoo on her ankle,
The little girl's name was Christina,
We understood each other,
We both got stuck in a moment,
We both got too scared to love again,
Come on, let's get back in the car,
[♪♪]
[IGNITION STARTS]
[CROWD CHEERING]
REPORTER: Who's gonna win?We are,
[ALL CHEER]REPORTER: One thing is certain,
These are the greatest fans in the world
here in October for the World Series,
Dave Rodman in the bleachers here at Fenway Park,
Right, gang?[ALL CHEER]
Hey, hey, hey!
ANNOUNCER: Well, folks, this is it,
Call it what you will from the annals of history,
the Rubicon, Waterloo, whatever you choose,
It's do or die for the Boston Red Sox
and the New York Yankees,
who have ended the 1978 campaign
with identical records of 99 wins and 63 losses,
And later today,,, [COUGHS]
a one-game playoff loss,
Only the second ever,,,
MARTY: Boy, this is a beautiful parkway so close to Boston,
Keeps seeing signs for the water,
Think we can make the shore?
Do you think we have time to stop?
Yeah, well, we missed the national anthem,
Big deal,
I want to see the water,
You bet,
I, for one, feel lucky to be alive to watch
history being made on this partly sunny
and brisk October day,
All right, now time for our starting lineup,
For the New York Yankees,
leading off, the center fielder, Mickey Rivers,
followed by the captain, the catcher, Thurman Munson,
Batting third, the right fielder,
Sweet Lou Piniella,
followed by the designated hitter, Reggie Jackson,
Always a threat,
Following Jackson, the DH
is the third baseman, Graig Nettles,
Then, of course, the first baseman,
batting seventh is Roy White,
Then the tried-and-true veteran,
second baseman, Ryan Doyle,,,
Game's started, Dad,
We should go soon,
Let's go, Sox,
TED: We should get headed to Fenway,
MARTY: Yeah,
Can't we just stay here another minute?
It's so nice,
This is what looking at life through death is like, Teddy,
No sweat,
All beauty,
I wish I'd been dying my entire life,
,,,followed by the first baseman, George Scott,
batting eighth, and rounding out, batting ninth,,,
[SIGHS]
Corpse pose,
Oh,
We should really get going, Dad,
Dad?
[GASPS]
[♪♪]
ANNOUNCER: A home run by Yaz,
Yaz! Yaz!
Holy shit, what-- What inning is it?
It's the third,
TED: The third?MARTY: We're up!
TED: Shit!MARTY: Yaz!
TED: Let's go, It's the third, yeah,
MARTY: We're up,TED: Dad, come on,
We got to go, Hustle,
MARTY: This is me hustling,
ANNOUNCER: That'll bring up
the third baseman, Graig Nettles,
0-1 on the day is Nettles,
Here's the pitch,
TED: I can't believe we missed half the game,
'cause you had to have a nap by the fucking water,
MARTY: Well, I'm sorry, I'm dying of cancer, Teddy,
Who made these road signs, Franz fucking Kafka?
Dad, where are we?
Why don't you have a map?
We had a map,
I let you throw the map away,
because I thought you were from Boston,
Life doesn't come with a map, Ted,
That's not helpful,
Says you,
,,,is first at bat,
and pops this one out to second,
Burleson able to block out the sun and makes the catch,
MARTY: You suck, Bucky,
Dad, I got the munchos,
I need seven more Twinkies, stat,
It's the munchies, Dad,
Right,
Hot damn!
Think we can score some hash?
No, No, we cannot score any hash,
Absolutely not,
I don't even know if we're in Massachusetts,
I think we're in fucking Vermont,
MARTY: I know exactly where we are,
We're gonna be there in time for the ninth
when Yaz squeezes Thurman Munson's weak pop fly
and we celebrate with the Boston faithful,
Shotgun,
Oh!Okay, that's it!
Oh, burned my tongue,Okay, that's it!
You're cut off! You're cut off!
No more reefer for you, Okay?
Jim Rice will be the American League's most valuable player,
Rice gets a hold of that one,
and Rivers is unable to get there in time,
The ball drops in for an RBI single,
MARTY: Ah, suck on that, Teddy,
TED: There is no Massachusetts Turnpike,
MARTY: Who cares? We're up two-zip,
Mystic Valley,
What am I even looking for?
It's I-90?
Oh, Teddy, don't you get it?IEV,
Teddy, there's no I anything,
Hmm?
It's like I'm trapped in a maze
with a babbling fool,
Here we go, the top of the seventh inning,
The Red Sox and of course, in their rabid--
TED: It's already the seventh?MARTY: Yeah,
TED: There's no highway up here, Mr, Rand McNally,
I recognize that thingy over there by-- That thingy,
Jesus Christ, I've been driving us in a circle?
I cannot believe,,,
Yes,Okay, I'm gonna,,,
No, no, no, no, no, let's go,We're gonna turn around,
We're gonna go back to where--
They were doing good when we were down there,
so let's get back down there and freeze,
Come on, let's go,Back down to the water?
Yes, They were ahead when we were down there, Teddy,
I don't think we have time to freeze, Dad,
I got a bad feeling, We got time,
They got two men on, They should take Torrez out,
I'm getting paranoid, That's the thing with the pot,
Get paranoid? Oh, shit, Teddy,
Oh, I want a cigarette so bad!
ANNOUNCER: Now it is Yankee shortstop Bucky Dent,
Hit a fly ball to right
and popped up for the shortstop,
MARTY: Right here, they had the lead,
Go, go, go, Freeze, freeze, freeze,
Freeze!Okay, okay, okay, look,
It's Bucky Dent,
Freeze, freeze,
It's in the bag,Freeze,
We're in the seventh inning,
And every opportunity missed will grow more and more costly,
Checked and took low,
Ball one,
Chambliss at second, White at first,
They had successive singles with one out,
Now the bench batter Spencer retired on a fly ball to left,
Right, Short and right,
Holding his glove up, Shielding the sun,
Foul at the plate,
Dent will stay,
Try to shake it off,
Two out, two on, two-nothing,
Boston top of the seventh,
Hit high in the air to left field,
Going to the corner,
It's over the wall!
It's a home run for Bucky Dent!
Oh, Bucky Dent!
Just cleared the top of the wall in left,
Bucky Dent,
It's okay, There's still--
There's still a couple innings left,
We'll come back,
Let's go find the stadium,
Come on, it ain't over until it's over,
It's over, And the Red Sox fans
are stunned here at Fenway,
Let's look at it again,
TED: Dad?
There it was, Up over the plate,
Hey, Dad!
But so close, Just barely,
What are you doing, Dad?
What are you doing?
Bucky Dent,
Jesus fucking Christ,
Bucky fucking Dent,
[BIRDS SQUAWKING]
ANNOUNCER: Yankees win,
[CROWD CHEERS]
And so on this day, October 2nd, 1978,
it is a gloomy day for the Boston Red Sox,
They're gonna leave a bit somber,
If the Red Sox had won,
this joint would be jumping,
But it was not to be in 1978 for Boston,
Ron Guidry and Bucky Dent, I'll tell you one thing,
I know you've never hit a bigger home run in your life,
I'm not even gonna ask that, Never,
It's the biggest hit of my career, I think, right now,
REPORTER: Well, the one thing, too, you were almost down and out,
And I know that you,,,
[♪♪]
MARTY: I should have seen it coming,
It's never Babe Ruth that blindsides you,
Never William Mays, Mickey Mantle,
or Reggie Jackson,
It's always the little thing you didn't prepare for,
The little tickle in your throat
that puts you in your grave,
It's always Bucky Dent,
Don't let the Yankees fool you, Teddy,
Life's not like the Yankees with their rings and champagnes,
Life's not about winning,
Life's about losing,
Life belongs to the losers,
Like you and me, Teddy,
Don't ever forget that,
Me and you, Mariana,
Bucky fucking Dent,
Yeah,
I won't forget it, Dad,
God bless Bucky fucking Dent,
[♪♪]
Dad?
God bless Bucky fucking Dent,
[♪♪]
[PHONE LINE RINGS]
MARIANA: Hello, Mercy Station,
He's gone,
I'm sorry, Ted,
TED: It's okay,
It's-- It's time,
He was amazing,
What more can I say?
He sure was, He was a man,
MARIANA: And you're a man too,
And a son,
A good son,
And Mariana, I, um,,,I know,
What do you know?
TED: I know about her, you know,
Your tattoo, your daughter Christina,
I-- I'm sorry,
Yeah?
Yeah, I get it now, I get why,
The one-way street, anger, the bullets,
I get you,
Mariana,
Yeah?
Just because you got shot
doesn't mean you have to die,
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT]
I'm sorry, Ted, I have to go, They're calling me,
Life goes on, huh?
Yeah, for some,
[♪♪]
TED: Look at that fairy tale,
The barbershop boys did that,
How do you choose whose story gets to be history?
Hmm? What do you mean?
TED: Well, your story's
kind of a French arthouse bummer,
MARIANA: What?
TED: Two scared, lonely people,
you and me,
Meet cute, make love,
and walk away from each other,
My story has to find
semi-broken people,
but trying to heal and love on one another,
You think I need a co-writer, huh?
No, no,
I think you need a witness,
I-- I think we-- We all need a witness,
I just want to clarify,
Are you trying to make a move
like an hour after we took your father to the morgue?
Marty would have wanted it that way,
[BOTH LAUGH]
I like when you laugh,
Makes me want to cry,
Have you ever been in love before?
Sure, Once,
Yeah, once upon a time,
And what happened?
What happened is what happens,
It ended,
And you think this is gonna be different?
Why?
Because my dad's dead and suddenly I'm-- I'm next,
And everything's new,
What if I don't love you?
Well, then I'll wait,
What you doing?
Waiting,
[♪♪]
♪ Father, lay your hand Upon my head ♪
♪ So it's only consolation ♪
♪ Although, we have The same disease ♪
♪ I'm afraid we may need Different medication ♪
♪ So relax, sit down ♪
♪ And talk to me ♪
♪ Father lay your head Upon my shoulder ♪
♪ You don't even need A reason ♪
Let's go,
♪ Sometimes we make The same mistakes ♪
♪ We find ourselves ♪
♪ In different situation ♪
♪ Oh boy, I'm not An ordinary boy ♪
♪ I'm not an ordinary son ♪
ANNOUNCER: And a ground ball stand by Foulke, he has it,
He underhands to first,
and the Boston Red Sox are the world champions,
For the first time in 86 years, the Red Sox have won
baseball's world championship,
Can you believe it?
[♪♪]
♪ Oh, boy I'm not an ordinary boy ♪
♪ I'm not an ordinary son ♪
♪ Our life has just begun ♪
♪ Oh, father, you're mine ♪
♪ Father, lay your hand Upon my head ♪
♪ I said it's only Consolation ♪
♪ Although we have The same disease ♪
♪ I'm afraid we may need Different medication ♪
♪ So relax ♪
♪ Sit down ♪
♪ And talk to me ♪
♪ Oh, boy I'm not an ordinary boy ♪
♪ I'm not an ordinary son ♪
♪ Our life has just begun ♪
[♪♪]
♪ People just keep Moving around ♪
♪ Trying to find A place in the sun ♪
♪ Laying the towels And the troubles down ♪
♪ Wait till you feel like The day's too long ♪
♪ Nowhere to hide Nowhere you belong ♪
♪ Put your hand down ♪
♪ Feel the heavens Come down to you ♪
♪ Love is all you need ♪
♪ That's what the Book of John Taught you ♪
♪ But you wanna see Clouds above ♪
♪ I know that Better than anyone ♪
♪ Because, my darling It's the rain you love ♪
♪ It'll always be raining In the sun ♪
♪ Years from now When you're old and gray ♪
♪ Stories of your beauty Just amp to hearsay ♪
♪ The way I look at you Will make young again ♪
♪ His humble cause will gather Clouds above ♪
♪ My words will seed Those clouds with love ♪
♪ Our memories will rank Sweetness around the pain ♪
♪ A fist full of love ♪
♪ And a box of rain ♪
♪ Baby, baby Now I won't be long ♪
♪ If you're feeling down And put upon ♪
♪ Nothing this strong Could ever be wrong ♪
♪ It's always Raining in the sun ♪
[♪♪]
♪ Now wait here ♪
♪ I'm not a meteorologist ♪
♪ Or an untrained astrologist ♪
♪ And I don't need no ♪
♪ Weatherman ♪
♪ To tell me ♪
♪ Where to take a stand ♪
♪ Baby, baby As the heavens descend ♪
♪ You and I will say amen ♪
♪ 'Cause all cold front Will move along ♪
♪ Baby, baby As the heavens descend ♪
♪ You and I will make amends ♪
♪ Meet me back here Where you belong ♪
♪ It's always raining ♪
♪ It's always ♪
♪ Raining in the sun ♪
[♪♪]