BIRDSONG CAPTAIN: Now, you hear that?
That\'s a song thrush, Now, once we strike out into the fields,
we\'ll hear a great variety of different birds,
I\'m keeping my fingers crossed for a reed warbler,
All right, team, packs on,
Oh, it would be lovely if we had packs, wouldn\'t it?
Yes, it would, Patrick,
Sorry, when you said Dawn Chorus Club,
I thought you meant we\'d be singing,
No, Just the birds, Kitty,
Will there be tits? OTHERS GROAN
Only joined so I could say that,
SNIGGERING Typical, Julian,
And you can stop that sniggering, Robin,
Robin?
Where\'s Robin?
I don\'t want to be a harbinger of doom,,,
He does,
,,,but I haven\'t seen him for two days,
Three, now you come to mention it,
Oh, no, You don\'t think,,,?
He\'s been sucked off,
Lucky beggar, OTHERS GASP
Oh, you don\'t really think he\'s gone, do you?
Wh-wh-wh-what if he has? What if he has?
What would we do?
ALL TALK AT ONCE Hold,,, Hold!
No, There he is, 12 o\'clock, HE LAUGHS
SIGHS OF RELIEF Oh, goodness, Oh, dear,
Well, that\'s a relief, That was a right old scare,
For a moment there, I thought that he\'d, erm,,,
CELESTIAL MUSIC Mary?
MARY GASPS Oh!
Just been watching my mouse family,
They had little babies,
It was very nice,
What?
PAT: It\'s Mary,
She\'s gone,
Ah,
So, who wants to see a mouse baby? Eh?
Just,,, gone?
She was there,
And then she was not there,
It was all very sudden, A whoosh and then,,, pff!
Why her? Why now? What does it mean?
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH MIKE: Whoo!
♪ We\'re going to have a party
♪ It\'s a party, it\'s a,,,
♪ It\'s a,,, ♪
Who died? HE CHUCKLES
All right, who died? Mike,,,
It\'s,,, Mary,
Mary? From the farm shop? She\'s, like, 35,
How did she,,,? No, No,
Our Mary,
Mary,
She\'s moved on, or-or passed over,
Oh, The one that smells like toast,
spies on me in the bathroom? She\'s gone?
Oh,
Oh, come here,
It\'s what she wanted, Alison,
Yeah, She was always talking about being sucked off,
Moving on,
FANNY: I don\'t think we need dwell on it,
No point fussing, ROBIN GRUNTS
Well, she\'s gone, and I don\'t know what to do!
FANNY: Ah, Going to be one of those days, is it?
I\'ll go and see if she\'s all right, poor little thing,
Well, this all looks very jolly,
Lots to sort out, I imagine, I can help if you like,
Please may I help? I\'d like help,
ALISON: Yeah, yeah, if you like,
Erm, Mike\'s booked a birthday party
for the ballroom today, Party?
Yeah, Ethel and Biddy\'s 86th birthday,
There\'s going to be cakes and tea and dancing,
Dancing?! I am all over this one,
Entertainer - booked, Wine - sorted,
Food - a tick, a tick, Old ladies, they love me,
This is going to be Button House perfection,
Jolly good, Something to organise,
Busy, # It\'s a paaarty
♪ Going to Gonna be paaaarty! ♪
CAPTAIN: Robin, there\'s a great deal to organise first, so,,,
I am sorry for your loss, by the way,
Or not loss, whatever it is,
Take your time, I got this,
Mm,
KITTY SOBS
Kitty?
Kitty, love,,,
There, there, pet,
Hey, Stop crying,
She\'s gone, Pat, She\'s gone,
No, No,
No, I mean, she might still be with us,
Gosh, Do you think?
Well, we\'re still here and we died, didn\'t we?
Maybe she\'s still here,
But just on another level,
She\'s probably looking down on us now right now and saying,,,
",,There\'s really no need to cry,"
Really?
Hello, Mary, Hello,
So, she\'s become a ghost-ghost?
Yeah,
Gosh, And how long will she stay like that?
Three months,
Well, here we go,
WOMAN: Come on, ladies, Out you get,
Hey, You must be Toby,
Hey, I\'m Mike,
Hi, Welcome to Button House,
Wow, It\'s amazing, You own all this?
Yeah, Yeah, Well, it owns us, really,
Some pretty big loans and, er, yeah,,,
Where are the birthday girls?
And who might you be?
Well, this is Ethel and this is Biddy,
The birthday girls!
Yeah,,,
Yeah,
Well, because of names,,, nowadays,,,
So, yeah,
Right, Well, sorry we\'re a little ahead of everyone else,
but these two are just so excited,
Aren\'t you? It\'s your birthday!
Yeah! Cool,
Well, I actually just have to
speak to my wife about the, erm,,,
Just two secs,
Sit, Hi,
Well, it\'s very nice, isn\'t it?
What is it? Those little girls, They\'re so sweet,
Yeah, They\'re Ethel and Biddy,
What?
They\'re,,, Oh!
Oh, no, Mike,
They left a message, They definitely said 86,
WOMAN: It\'s a joint party for Ethel and Biddy, eight and six,
See? Ethel and Biddy, 86,
Eight AND six, Mike,
We have to fess up and just, like, cancel,
Oh, Mike,,,
Look at those little kids, We can\'t let down those girls,
I\'m useless with kids,
Ask my sister,
Mike, everyone loses a toddler
in the big Tesco\'s from time to time,
All right, All right, I\'ll get dressed
and I\'ll look after the kids, You\'re on logistics,
Ah, Logistics, Splendid,
Yeah, slight change of plan, It\'s now a children\'s party,
Oh, right, Yeah,
Oh, well, that\'s splendid, More to organise,
Of course, you can\'t physically,,,
Point me towards the enemy,
Guests, Guests,
All right, Let\'s give them a day they\'ll never forget,
Game face,
Other game face?
It\'s so good to know she\'ll be here, Pat,
I still want to tell her so much, I know,
And you can,
But only for three months, you said,
Huh? Oh, yes, I did, didn\'t I? Erm, but, erm,,,
And after that, she\'ll be gone-gone?
SHE SOBS
Oh, no, No, no, because there\'s another layer,
Another layer? Mm-hm,
But how will she get there?
She must pass through a gate,
A gate?
Yeah, The Gate of, er,,,
,,,Herbert, The Gate of Herbert,
But what if she can\'t find the gate?
Oh, but she will, for she is shown the way by a kindly man,
A wizard,
With hair,
A long silvery beard,
What\'s his name?
Larsson, Yeah, Wizard Larsson,
And you can\'t miss him,
because of his big old dragon tattoo,
How exciting, Mm,
And what happens on the third layer?
Oh, you know, nothing much, really,
KITTY SOBS
Unless you like unicorns,
Oh! Thomas,
What are you doing?
Forgive me,
I required a place to gather my thoughts,
to calm the turbulence in my head,
I know, Today\'s been hard,
but I think if we just try to stay busy,,,
It\'s all just so senseless,
Mm, To be taken at random, without warning,
Yeah, it\'s a lot to deal with,
And Mary was very special,
I still have so much to give,
So much yet to create,
Oh, you\'re talking about yourself,
If I am to be next,
I want you to know that I love you,
Yes, Thomas, I\'m aware of that,
And however hard it might be,
I want you to be happy,
Move on,
Marry another,
I am, of course, already married,,, to Mike,
Good, You must,
I am,
Good,
MIKE: And the party will be in here,
Oh,
Oh, wow,
Brave of you to have so much china at a children\'s party,
Yes, well, that\'s,,, that\'s because,,, absolutely because,,,
Because,,, Because it\'s a Mad Hatter\'s tea party, Yeah,
Is it? It is, Yes, Yeah,
Wow, Amazing,
I\'m Alison, Hi,
JULIAN: Oh, I see, Kids\' party, is it? Yeah,
Cool, Cool,
Just remember to keep an adults-only area,
Pop a bit of go-go juice in one of the teapots
and,,, boom!
So, yeah, so we\'re going to put their juice in the teapots,
It\'s gonna be great, Yeah, Yes,
Do you want to have a look at the tables?
Oh, yeah, please, Thank you, Thanks, Julian, Great idea,
Oh, you\'re welcome, Yeah, just help yourself,
Ideas guy here just hands \'em out for free!
This is just like the Cabinet in \'91,
"Let\'s invade Iraq," they said,
"Hmm, what shall we call it?" they asked,
I know! Operation Desert Storm!
Was I credited? No, I was not, sir,
Did I get a knighthood? No, I did not, sir,
Did that berk from the Treasury
I mentioned it to in the bar get one? Yes, he did, sir,
Well, I ask you, what a business!
ROBIN GRUNTS Wow,
These guys were just asking about the tea,
The kids\' birthday tea, For the kids,
And I said we\'ve got that covered,
We have not got that covered,
Hmm,,,
It\'s all vol-au-vents and blinis,
And what are we going to do with all this wine?
You can\'t give wine to children, Alison -
even I know that,
Unless you live in France,
Right, I have to get some food for the kids, OK,
What do kids eat?
Beige,
Pat\'s got some ideas, I\'ll text you,
Yep, OK,
Trust me, Alison, If it\'s a children\'s party,
you want all the food to be the same colour as my shirt,
And shorts and socks,
We\'re talking cocktail sausages,
pork pies, Scotch eggs,
Oh, Scotch eggs!
And let\'s not forget the piece of resistance -
qu-wich Lorraine,
Yes, yes, a complete sea of beige,
But with one exception - jelly,
Oh! Yeah, That can be as bright as you like,
Preferably a colour not found in nature,
Thank you, Pat, MESSAGE SENDS
And thank you for taking care of Kitty,
It can\'t be easy,
STAMMERING: She is finding it hard to process,
But, you know, I\'m just,,, I\'m just trying
to explain it in a way she understands,
Hmm, Yeah, Right,
And I guess try not to give her, like, false hope,
Yeah,,,
Yes, please, Silver car,
In she comes,
Keeping it going, And going this way,
We\'re going this way, Keep it coming in,
I like that, And square it off,
Keep it coming, Keep it coming, We are not going that way,
We are coming this way,
Bring it in, nice and square, Hi,
And halt there,
Huh, Hmm,
Carry on,
TV: And now on ITV,
is it OK to wear joggers at your own wedding?
Hmm, Not sure about that,
But let\'s find out what those Loose Women think,
Oh, Mary will want to watch this,
Mary?
I say, Mary!
The Loose Women are on,
Mary!
Oh, Mary,
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
Alison? Yeah, yeah,
Just wondering when you\'re going to be doing food,
Oh, yeah, yeah, Erm,,,
Really soon,
Great,
They\'re noisy, aren\'t they? Never really got used to that,
My parents prefer to say "full of life",
Yeah,
Well, they are, So full of life,
And so precious,
Cos life is precious, isn\'t it?
Yes, it is, Yep,
Yeah, you\'ve got to really grab hold of it with both hands,
don\'t you? You have to enjoy it while you can,
cos it can all just be snatched away so quickly,
Erm, shall we?
Alison?
Hey! Watch it, hippy,
Calm your anger, sir, I\'m not angry!
Look at this teapot,
It\'s in completely the wrong place,
Alison! Going to move it,
I have so much to write while I still can,
I need your help,,,
Stand aside, Thorne, Stand aside,
Alison, I need a new task,
JULIAN STRAINS
CUP BREAKS Oh,,,
Blame the teapot, not me,
Hey, Alison!
Quickly now, Come along, I need occupation,
It was just a teacup, It\'s all right,
FANNY: Alison,,, Alison!
Mary\'s gone, She\'s actually gone!
What are we to do?
JULIAN: Come on, then, CAPTAIN: Please, Alison,
Come on, Captain, OK, I need you to gather all of the ghosts
in the library, Emergency meeting, Now,
Excellent, Roger all that,
All right, Thorne, come along, Quickly now, Fanny, come along,
No time to wait, Julian? Robin?
Mike, Can you take over? Oh, but I\'m on logistics,
We agreed, I know, I know, I know, but I think they need my help, Mike,
They\'re not coping with Mary moving on,
What about you?
All right, I\'m not sure I can take on all these kids, but, yeah,
Thank you, Yeah, sure,
Oh, hey, Erm,,,
Oh, hi, Mike, Sorry, just wondering -
the kids are getting a bit restless,
You did book an entertainer, didn\'t you?
Oh, yeah, yeah, I did, Yeah,
I did!
AMERICAN ACCENT: Baddabing, baddaboom,
Hello, Dolly!
Oh, no,
Take me to the Golden Girls,
So, yeah, the party has sort of changed,
Hey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, relax! I got this,
Hey, what does it say on my website?
That you\'re 41?
No event too big or too small,
Whoo! I am pumped,
Hey, it\'s showtime!
GRUFF ENGLISH ACCENT: Are you joking? It\'s a kids\' party,
Is it? I can\'t do that, No way,
Please, Tony, I need this,
There\'s two little birthday girls out there, I can\'t let them down,
There\'s a buffet,
All you can eat,
And I\'ll pay you extra,
All right, you had me at buffet,
But,,, I also need the money,
Right,
It\'s showtime,
AMERICAN ACCENT: It\'s showtime!
Woohoo! OK, kids,,,
We need to talk about the elephant in the room,
What?!
No-one is coping with Mary\'s passing,
Wait, there\'s no elephant!
Now I\'m missing a party and the dancing and,,,
That\'s what I mean, I know that you\'re all ghosts,
and I know it\'s not the end of Mary\'s life,
but it is the end of her afterlife,
And,,, And,,,
If I may, Alison? Erm, yeah, Kitty,
You must not trouble yourself,
Mary is watching us now,
She is at the second layer,
Soon the wise Wizard Larsson will find her
and escort her to the Gates of Herbert,
where the unicorns await,
PAT MUMBLES NERVOUSLY
OK,,,
I do think we need closure, though,
We,,, We need a memorial service,
Thomas, I thought you could write a eulogy,
A eulogy!
Oh, yes, it would be an honour to use my gifts to help,
Yes, we must mourn,
Exactly, Yeah,
Well, in which case, you should be wearing black,
You should shroud yourself in crepe for at least two years,
It\'s only right, And we\'ll need guns, What?
When George died,,, Lots of guns, For the salute,
,,,we dressed accordingly, I shall practise gun noises,
Perhaps we should sing a hymn, Or chant to the unicorns
and give thanks to Wizard Larsson for his help,
Mm-hm, Sorry, KITTY SINGS
Unless you know where the ACTUAL shotgun is, Do you?
I\'ll go and look for it, I\'ll report back,
Yes, please, Do we need,,,?
JULIAN: I mean, look at this, Come on!
Is it too much to ask for alphabetical order?!
A spray of orchids in each room,
Do you think it should rhyme? Black armbands for the footmen,
Can we all just meet in the orchard at three?
And, erm,,,
It\'s not even in order,
,,,I\'ll sort out the rest by myself,
ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER
♪ Just listen to the rhythm of the gentle bossa nova
♪ You\'ll be dancing with \'em soon
♪ Before the night is over
♪ How can you lose?
♪ The lights are much brighter there
♪ You can forget all your troubles
♪ Forget all your cares,,, # Everybody!
MIC FEEDBACK WHINES
♪ Things\'ll be great when you\'re,,, ♪
Come on,
Downtown? Yes, thank you,
OK, birthday girls,
MIKE: Nah,,,
Can\'t have that,
Next time, kids, we\'ll just raise the roof, huh?
I don\'t know any Lady Gaga,
Perfect,
Nah, Nah,
Oh, yeah,
And when she\'s crossed that bridge
to the Castle of Tolstoy, Pat, what next?
Kitty,,,
You know,
there are only a certain number of layers,
Oh,
And when Mary gets to the castle,
her journey is over,
She has found Ludlum and the Orb of Holcroft,
She,,, She can\'t get back to us, can she?
No, Kitty,
But she is at peace,
Gentle knock,
Thomas, I thought we said three, in the orchard?
Yes,
Well, I\'ve prepared the eulogy,
and I hoped I might hear your thoughts
before I perform to the others,
Yeah, OK,
HE CLEARS THROAT
I first met Mary after I\'d been fatally shot
in the abdomen,
It was a difficult time for me, of course,
I was still grappling with a burning personal betrayal,
I was certainly melancholic for a,,,
Thomas,,,
Yes?
I think you\'ve probably made this all this about yourself,,,
,,,again,
Have I?
Yes, I suppose I have,
Damn your eyes, Thorne!
Forgive me,
But how do I,,,?
I know what to do,
But I need your help,
♪ ,,for me! ♪
Thank you, Button House,
You\'ve been a great audience, Goodnight!
SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
Tough crowd,
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
prepare yourselves for fun,,,
,,,and treats!
Make way for the Mad,,,
,,,Hatter!
DANCE MUSIC
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
CHILDREN EXCLAIM
Yes!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who likes sweets?
ALL: Yeah!
I can\'t hear you, I said, who likes sweets?
ALL: Yeah!
ALISON SIGHS
Thank you all for coming,
I realise that today we\'ve all been running away
from the one thing that unites us all,,,
,,,the one thing that I think we\'ve all been feeling -
grief,
I know we all have different ideas
about what we should do,
but I thought we should take some time to remember Mary,
Thomas was going to say a few words,
GHOSTS GROAN
I thought that words could help us make sense of all this,
But I was wrong,
So, instead, I\'ve asked Alison to gather some items
to help us remember Mary,
Oh! I know, Yeah,
FANNY: Our Loose Women,
A photograph of Michael?
Yes, well, she was very, ahem, fond of,,,
She fancied him, She fancied him,
Erm,,, I hope you like the basket,
I made it last year,
according to Mary\'s instructions,
GHOSTS: Five potatoes high,
Five potatoes high,
SHE CLEARS THROAT
Erm, I thought it best not to have a cremation,
GHOSTS AGREE
But, erm, we could bury this beneath the tree,
And we could come and remember her,
or pray or whatever it is you believe in,
Well, thank you, Alison, I shall say a prayer for Mary,
And you don\'t have to wear black, by the way, Thank you,
Doesn\'t suit you, Fine,
Good, Well, lots to do, so, erm,,,
Captain, Yeah?
It\'s OK, You don\'t have to be busy any more,
I understand,
I mean, we all do, Yes, but,,,
But if I stop, then,,,
I know, I know, It\'s OK,
And, Julian,,,
You know, today reminds me of when Maggie\'s cat died,
She was so angry, we had to hide the nuclear launch codes,
I\'m not angry with you lot,
It\'s a perfectly normal reaction, Julian, Mm,
Hey! What you all doing, long faces?
Party\'s getting real good in there,
Robin, what\'s wrong with you, actually?
I mean, are you not affected by this at all?
I\'ve been around a long time,
Like, a really long time,
VOICE CRACKING: I\'ve seen this happen so much,
I can\'t do this every time,
The pain,,,
,,,I deal with it in my own way,
Perhaps we could have a moment\'s silence,
For Mary,
FAINT DANCE MUSIC AND WHOOPING
You know, I think Mary would want us
to have some fun, too, Eh?
SHE LAUGHS Yeah,
MUSIC: Gangnam Style by PSY
MUSIC OFF
Oh? GRUNTING
Who thinks they won?
ALL: Me!
I can\'t hear you - who thinks they won?
ALL: Me, me!
You\'re all winners, You\'re all just too good,
Well, now you can just dance,
MUSIC RESUMES
Yeah, there we go,
Thank you, Oh, hey,
Thank you for taking over,
Course,
I love you, I don\'t tell you enough,
And what are you talking about? You\'re great with kids,
Yeah?
Yeah,
Cake, Hmm?
We didn\'t replace the birthday cake,
Oh, no, no, Don\'t worry, I\'ve got it covered,
OK, Yeah,
ALL: # Happy birthday to you! ♪
MIKE: Who wants cake?
CHILDREN: Me!
Me,
CAPTAIN: Five, six, seven,,,
No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, Wait, Wait,
Has anybody seen Humphrey? Anyone?
PAT GASPS You don\'t think that,,,?
HUMPHREY: Oh, there you all are,
I\'ve been on guard duty,
I didn\'t fall asleep,
Oh,,,
I\'ll tell him,
Erm,,,
CAPTAIN: Uh, n-no,
No, I\'ve got this, Katherine, HE CLEARS THROAT
Humphrey, now,,, Yeah?
,,,I\'m afraid I have some rather sad news,
This is what I do,,,
,,,every time one of us moves on,
I find them a star,
That\'s where we go, Whoosh!
Back to the stars,
Clarence,
Godric,
Elizabeth,
William,
HE LAUGHS William!
Annie,
Which one\'s Mary?
HE GASPS How about that one?
Brightest in the sky,
That is International Space Station,
Cool, Cool,
That one,
Has a twinkle, Hmm,
That one,
Goodbye, Mary,