رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال
[jazz music]
[Alexis] You must be so excited for your new tennis lesson, huh?
[Emma] Yeah,
Who's my coach, Mom?
You'll see,
Ready?
-[thud] -Nice,
-[women laugh] -[woman] Oh, that's nice,
-He does that on purpose, I swear, right? -[chuckles]
[Tracey] He has to, Oh, yeah!
You know, he's doing it for us,
[light romantic music]
-[laughs] -What's up, ladies,
-Party's here, -[cheering]
Alexis!
-Yes! -Bam, Alexis!
Wine purse, she's got the wine purse,
[laughs]
So as I was saying, I'm in downtown LA in the Fabric District, okay,
Hours in the sun, I am sweating my balls off,
This guy named Tony, tall, handsome, green eyes, ,
-Mm, sexy, I like that, -Yes,
Follows me into the dollar fabric store,
compliments my legs, and yada, yada, yada,
I'm back at his loft downtown,
-No! -[shouts] Oh!
What if he was a murderer or a rapist?
Sometimes you gotta just trust your instincts, Alexis,
-Look around and find out, am I right? -[laughs and shouts]
[salsa music]
[Bob] So, she brings me another double scotch,
and I, like, pull out some cash,
And she's like, "Oh, no,
we're not allowed to accept tips, "
And I'm like, "Oh, baby, that's too bad
-because I got a tip I really wanted you to see, " -[laughs]
-Am I right? So she's laughing, , -[laughing] Yeah,
because it's fucking funny, right? And I'm like,
"Okay, here's my fucking chance, I mean, it's on my bucket list,
I'm flying first class, I gotta do it, right?"
Marco, you get your ass over here, you gotta hear this,
I'm telling him how I became part of the Mile High Club Elite,
[Marco] Oh, geez! Shit, I'm part of that club,
Have you sucked a girl's pussy at 35,000 feet?
-What? -I said, "Elite, "
Wait, how the hell did you go down on a girl in a tiny-ass bathroom?
Acrobatics, bro,
Now, mind you, I have been out
in the hot sun, sweating, okay?
And now I'm in this guy's bathroom
looking for wipes or something to refresh myself, okay?
So, under his sink he has some baby powder,
I sprinkle some on my cooch, thinking,
"He won't know, no big deal, it's just sex, "
But then he decides
-to check out the landing strip, -[woman gasps]
-Oh my God, stop! -No!
Oh, yes, And I am lying there mortified,
hands over my face thinking, "I should stop him,
I should really stop this guy,
holy fuck, I should stop this guy, "
Then I'm like, "Oh, whatever, " And I let him do it,
-[shouts] -[laughs]
Oh my God, you're such a whore!
-Thank you, -[Alexis] I love it,
[laughs]
She's got one leg up on the counter,
I'm holding the other one up and I'm just going to town, all right,
Now, this chick, so fucking loud,
-the last row in coach could hear her, okay, [laughs] -[laugh]
And he thinks he's done, comes up for air,
and he has white powder all over his face,
-[groans] -Except now it looks like
-clumps of white dough, -Oh!
-And I'm real distracted, -Oh!
-All I can think about is baking a pie, -[laughs]
Now, she's finally coming, right?
-She begins to squirt all over the place, -Oh!
-You got a squirter! Oh, you lucky fuck! -[laughing] Yeah! Yeah!
[Bob] She's hanging on the wall, fucking Spider-Man,
-She's got a leg up on the counter, , -[laughs]
I'm grabbing fucking paper towels,
shoving them under the door
to keep the first class cabin
from flooding, okay?
Fuck the oxygen masks, drop down scuba tanks!
[laughs]
So I figured I'd return the favor
and head down south, when I realize
his balls are the size of fucking martini onions,
He's a Gibson?
[Tracey] Wait, I thought that's a myth,
Fricking unicorn, right?
Get this, he has two kids,
-How? -[Debby] I don't know,
How about you and I get a burger later, Tomas?
Thank you, Natalie, but I am vegan,
[Estanley] Fuck you, Tomas, You're not vegan,
The only reason you're a yoga instructor
is for the hot chicks,
Stop snooping, Estanley,
What? 'Sup, Debby,
Hey, baby,
[Alexis] Okay, back to Gibson guy,
So, I mean, did you even feel anything?
You'll probably get to fuck him again,
Girl, hell no, There's more,
Tony dreamy, green-eyes Gibson
asked me to put a finger into his ass,
That's just a shitty situation,
[laughs]
Ladies, focus, This is yoga,
Bob, didn't you say you took your girlfriend Gloria on that trip to Ireland?
Yeah, But I bought her a ticket in coach,
[laughs]
[whispers] This motherfucker,
Oh, Marco, look, Let's do the deal,
-Let's do the deal, All right? -All right,
Here's what we do, We buy three properties,
Grenada, Ventura, Simi,
All right? But here's the deal,
Every time we meet,
you gotta bring this motherfucker!
-[laughs] -I never laughed so much in my life,
-This fucking guy, -Bobby, coming in my pocket, all right?
Hey, as long as he doesn't cum in your mouth,
[laughs]
["Stardust (2010)" by Nancy Sanchez]
♪ Stardust ♪
♪ Gripping on the ocean floor ♪
[crickets chirping]
[Alexis] Marco, baby, all I'm saying is
put yourself in my shoes,
You say you're gonna go to Phil's to be at his office
and do some paperwork stuff,
which is why you can't make it to tennis practice,
and suddenly there's a post on Tom's social media
of the three of you golfing,
Baby, I'm sorry, I sent you a text
that didn't go through, You know how shitty
the service is in Porter Ranch,
["Stardust (2010)" continues]
See, wasn't sent,
-[phone beeps] -Oh, wait, oh, wait,
-[phone chimes] -[moans]
[giggles]
Okay, Okay,
You're right,
-Babe, I had to take it, -I know you do,
-Trust me, -I trust you,
-Oh! -Oh! That's a party foul,
-you better hurry up, -Mm-hmm,
-Mm, -Whoo! [whispers] It's good,
-[grunts] Date night, Let's go, Uh-huh, -Uh-huh,
-Date night, No kids tonight, -Okay,
Okay, Hell yeah,
-it's, , oh, oh, -[doorbell rings]
-Oh, here we go, -The babysitter, Babysitter,
-Babysitter time, -Let's go,
-[Marco] Go, , Babysitter, -Let's do it, Let's do it,
I made popcorn for you and Emma, you can watch a movie,
-but she needs to be in bed by eight, okay? -Okay,
Thank you,
And don't invite any boys,
Boys?
You couldn't have found a more awkward girl,
What? Get a pretty sitter so you can stare at her tits and ass and wanna fuck her?
I ain't no fool,
[calm piano music]
[engines rumbling]
[soft indistinct chatter]
Yeah, a Gibson, I feel so bad for her,
I told her she has to see him again,
I've known Debby for 20 years,
and she's always dated the strangest dudes,
You and she never really hooked up?
-She's like a sister, -[phone chimes]
-Speaking of the devil, -[phones chimes]
[gasps] No!
-What's wrong? -Greg and Julia are getting a divorce,
Oh, damn, Are you serious?
They didn't even lead on that they were having any issues,
Babe, I'm sad, I really liked them together,
[exhales] Well, I can tell you one thing,
They are in for a wild ride,
-Divorce fucking sucks, -Oh my God, yes,
The being angry at each other while having to co-parent, ,
Oh, the mind game,
-The hurt, The guilt, , -Avoiding friends,
-having to choose friends, , -Dating,
Having to fill out those dating apps again,
I swear to God, every box that you check off,
it feels like you're stripping your bobos in front of lions,
"What's your full name?" [grunts] There goes your top,
"What's your hobbies?" There goes your bra,
"What kind of person are you into?"
There goes your chonees, Before you know it,
you're naked in front of the world,
Remember those days, babe?
No, I always wanted to get on those apps,
I thought it'd be fun, but I never got the chance,
-No? -No,
I was alone for four months,
And then I met you,
And that was it for me,
-Four months? -[softly] Mm-hmm,
You can't go two days without fucking,
It was the weirdest thing, My ex-wife's friends all reached out to me,
-You're kidding, -Nope,
They were like, "Are you okay?
Tell us if there's anything we can do for you,
Let's go out for 'coffee, '"
Yada, yada, yada,
Cochinadas ensued,
And you went along with these cochinadas?
You fucked your wife's friends?
My ex-wife, You're my wife, And yes,
[sighs] Women are strange about these things,
Men don't do that, It's bad karma,
Of course men do that, okay?
We're not even divorced, and I see some of your friends giving me the look,
-What look? -You know, the,
"I've been stuck in the desert and I just saw
a chilled beer" look,
-Thirsty, -They may look,
but my boys aren't gonna reach out if you and I break up,
You don't date your friend's ex,
That's bro code, bro,
Imagine if word got out that we were separating,
I wonder which one of my friends would reach out to you first,
[light suspenseful music]
-Have no clue, -What if we pretended to get separated?
-Divorce bait everyone, see who hits you up first, -[chuckles]
[claps] That is a terrible idea,
Babe, you know how hard it is to cover up a lie,
I mean, shit gets freaking crazy,
-And how do you know? -My ex,
She was so stressed about the affair
that she was having during our marriage,
-she got a white pube, -Ew,
How the hell do you kno, ,
You know what? I don't even wanna know,
Oh my God, babe, There's Greg,
Don't look!
Oh, he's so sad and lonely,
-We should invite him to join us, -No, Alexis!
Just leave him alone, it'll be awkward,
Divorce is rough, babe,
He's our friend, We need to support him,
Oh, hey, babe, The whole town is here,
It's Tina, La Cochina,
[gasps] This motherfucker!
-Oh, wow, -The body's not even cold yet,
Alexis, just leave it alone,
-I'm gonna go over there, -No, you're not,
You're gonna sit down, you're gonna enjoy
this amazing salad,
[tense music]
- , sexy, -Thank you, I like your scent, too,
-what is it? -It's, uh, soap,
Fuck that, I want to see what's going on,
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
-No, -He needs my support, okay?
Maybe he's okay, Maybe he's not,
-You don't know, -He's fine, babe, sit down,
Babe, sit, ,
[chuckles]
[laughs] Hey, guys! How's it going?
-Hey, guys, -Hey!
Greg, how's Julia?
I don't know if you've heard, ,
Oh, I've heard,
Tina, , [chuckles] nice dress,
Thanks, I got it at this little boutique on, ,
Where're your five kids? [chuckles]
At their five babies' daddies?
I have three, and they're at home with my mom,
-Oh, Yeah, -She must be a saint,
So what are we doing here?
-Well, we'r, , hanging out, -We're just hanging out, [chuckles]
[laughing] Oh, hanging out? They're just hanging out,
-Yeah, that's what they said, they're han, , -Just hanging out,
-Hanging out, -Okay, so that's what we do nowadays,
we just hang out,
[Marco] Well, Tina, you look very pretty,
-[thud] -Thank you, [chuckles]
[groans]
Hey, Greg, Julia, is she all right?
-Hell, man, are you all right? -Yeah,
We're getting through it, but, um, ,
[clicks tongue] it's hard,
-[clicks tongue] -[Alexis] Is it hard?
-Okay, All right, -Is it hard right now?
Uh, Alexis, we're gonna, ,
-hey, guys, have a good evening, -Thank you,
We're just, , [chuckles] yeah, we'll let you guys
-keep hanging out, Okay, -Let's go,
-Okay, -Wow,
Alexis, what the hell?
You can't just go over to someone and just boom, go right into them,
[chuckling] They're hanging out? Okay,
is that what we call fucking these days?
[laughs] They're fucking, They've got the look,
Alexis, it's none of your business,
They're adults, they can do whatever the hell they want!
Shit's not right, What the hell?
[calm piano music]
[soft tapping]
What are you doing?
-Well, , -Are you videotaping them?
[soft tapping]
[hip-hop music]
[bird chirping]
[panting]
-Hi, -[Alexis] Hi, guys,
-[Marco] Good morning, -[Alexis] Hi,
Morning,
Will you still love me when we're that old?
Absolutely,
Think we'll still enjoy lovemaking?
Hell yeah! Even when your boobs are down to your knees,
I'll still tap that,
-[grunting] Tap that! -[giggling]
-Okay, Oh, oh, Like that? -Oh, oh, oh, oh,
-Like that? Okay, okay, -Yeah, Yes,
-Babe, stop, [laughs] -[chuckles]
-You're so romantic, -I know,
I'm sorry I was tripping, babe,
It's okay, I get it,
They're our friends, and you care,
-Yep, -All right, last one to the coffee shop has to pay,
-Yeah! Come on, -[laughs]
There's this, like, seven-minute ab video
-that I want us to do, It's incredible, -You wanna keep working out?
-I kind of just wanna Netflix and chill, -[Marco] Yeah, I j, ,
[Marco whispers] Oh, here we go,
[light music]
-Julia! I got you, girl, -Oh, Alexis, Hey,
-I got you, okay? -What?
-I heard, -Oh, Uh-huh, yeah, I'm fine,
-[Alexis] Okay, Hey, , -[Marco] Hey, Julia,
Hey, Marco, How's it going?
Before you hear from anyone else, all right,
we saw Tina and Greg at a restaurant,
-Oh, , [scoffs] yeah, Oh, no, -He's such an asshole,
-Alexis, please, stop, stop, babe, stop, okay, -I'm here if you need anything,
-Okay, -Julia, are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine, thanks, -See, babe?
-Yeah, Yeah, -She's okay, Let's go,
Okay, good, Hey, if you need anything at all, okay?
-You call me, all right? You wanna have, , -Oh, Okay,
a glass of wine, you call me,
-Thank you, Thank you, Okay, -All right?
You wanna put a spell on Greg's dick to shrink it?
-You call me, okay? I know a lady, , -Oh,
- , who will Vienna sausage that motherfucker, -Oh,
-Okay, -[Marco] We're gonna get our coffee,
-Thank you, -[Julia] Okay, Bye,
[sighs] What the hell was that?
-I parked the car, -Hey, , [gasps]
-See, chivalry is not dead, baby, -Bob, Bob, not now, Bob!
-Bob, get down, -Oh!
-Bob? Bob! -Marco!
-What up, bro? -Look, it's Bob,
Hey, bitty-bitty Bob-Bob,
[chuckles] Whoo!
And Julia, Mm, what's up?
You know, we're just hanging out, [chuckles]
-Hanging out? I heard that one before, -[Julia] Yeah,
-They're hanging out, babe, -Yeah,
-[Alexis] Because that's
what we do nowadays, right?
-We hang out, huh, , -[Julia] Yeah,
we don't call it fucking anymore?
-What? No, What? -Okay, Yeah, [clears throat]
Don't you just love how everybody's hanging out these days?
How about you guys? Are you just kind of hanging out? [laughs]
He's my brother,
We are hanging out,
-Alexis, they're kids! -All right, Alexis,
What the heck is going on?
[whispering] Alexis, it's not what it looks like,
We're just, , helping each other get through a rough patch,
-Whatever, Okay, -Yeah,
-[whispers] Marco? -Whatever,
I, , Hey, we're going home, and we're gonna hang out,
[Bob] He means fucking,
If you're steps, it's okay,
-[panting] -Alexis, please stop,
Hey! Hey, hey, hey! I don't wanna be running
with hot coffee spilling all over me,
Baby, what has gotten into you?
It's none of our business, These are adults,
They are our friends,
I don't know what's going on,
but I can't trust these bitches,
They all wanna hang out, They probably wanna hang out with you,
-Of course, -Mm-hmm,
Because I'm fucking irresistible,
Okay, I, , I can't with you,
Oh, come on, Alexis, that was funny,
Alexis, come on! [sighs]
[Marco] Baby, just let it go,
You can't show up to a parent-teacher conference
all pissed off about something that we have no control over,
I mean, you're liable to stab the teacher with a pencil
if she gives us a bad report about Emma,
All right? Just relax, It's okay,
Come on, take a deep breath for me,
-[phone chimes] -[Marco] Let's go, inhale,
-[phone chimes] -Blow it up,
[phone chimes]
[birds chirping]
We're getting a divorce?
What did you do?
I'm gonna test these people, okay?
I put on my Face page
-that we may or may not be getting a divorce, -[phone chimes]
-What? -[car honking]
-[grunts] -[phone chimes]
Alexis, delete the post, please,
-This is ridiculous, -I'm gonna leave it up for 24 hours,
See which one of our friends, okay,
-is gonna reach out to you to hang out! -[phone chimes]
Twenty-four hours? No, you're not,
-you're gonna take it down now, -No, I can't, okay?
-I can't trust these hoes, all right? -[phone chimes]
As a matter of fact, give me your phone,
-Let me see who's, , -Just, , no!
Baby, we're gonna get in an accident,
-How? -You're acting crazy here,
No, I'm gonna divorce bait these bitches, okay?
I am not losing another man
to one of these backstabbing hoes, all right?
Hey, relax, Cardi B, You're not gonna lose me!
I know, okay? And I'm gonna make sure of that,
[mimics Cardi B] Okay,
[sharp thud]
[children shouting]
-[beeps] -Baby, wait for me,
Hi,
[pop music]
♪ Such a bad man ♪
♪ So bad, so bad ♪
Babe, give me your hand,
♪ Such a bad man ♪
-♪ So bad, so bad ♪ -♪ Such a bad man ♪
Hello, Mrs, Laguna, Hello, Mr, Laguna,
-Hi, Miss Beach, -Right this way,
First of all, I am sorry
for what you both are experiencing at home,
-Divorce is sticky, -Thanks,
Well, we're still trying to work things out, Miss Beach,
Call me Barbara,
[tense music]
But I do have to say, I was happy to hear the news,
What?
It definitely explains
a lot of Emma's behavior,
It's pretty classic textbook
for families going through a divorce,
a second one for Emma, in this case,
The assignment was to write about your favorite room in the house
and give three reasons why it's her favorite,
"The dark chamber we call the basement
is my favorite room in our home,
It's spooky, and strange sounds are heard in the dark,
It's awesome!"
What the fuck?
-Oh, sorry, -No, [giggles]
In this other essay,
she's asked to write about a family member she admires,
She wrote about her father, Adam Sandler,
The guy from Uncut Gems?
[loudly laughs] Uncut Gems,
Bedtime Stories, babe, remember?
We watched it together as a family,
[Marco] That was a good movie,
Okay, Uh, Barbara, ,
It's Miss Beach,
We'll talk to her, How are her grades?
Other than that, Emma's doing really well in class,
Amazing, as I expected,
Okay, I think we're done here,
[light tense music]
Thank you for being so understanding,
You're welcome,
Bye-bye, Barbara,
Bye!
[engine rumbling]
So what the hell is up with Emma's essays?
-What's up with Miss Beach? -Maybe you should focus on Emma,
Might be a good distraction
from this ridiculous divorce baiting you've started,
Did you not see them?
I have to admit, the parents were acting weird,
-So what? -I told you,
You never know who it's gonna be,
[soft tapping]
-Okay, What are you doing now with my phone? -[phone chiming]
Michelle? Wow,
I knew this bitch was always liking your posts too much,
That's a client's wife,
Un-fucking-friend,
[light blues music]
-Huh, -If you're worried about me,
just delete that post,
I can't believe I just posted this, ,
-You know what? - , and they're already commenting!
-No, it's my Facebook, okay? -Wow! Please,
Is it, , does it have your name on it?
-Doesn't it say, "Marco Laguna"? -Right,
Does your Facebook say, "Marco Laguna"?
Wow!
[loud thud]
[laughing] Huh!
[tense music]
[Marco] This motherfucker!
Okay, son of a bitch, You want to play?
[shouts] Estanley!
You piece of shit!
You reach out to my wife, huh?
I thought we were supposed to be boys,
Come out, you asshole,
What's with all the commotion out here?
How dare you ask my wife to hang out?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
In my defense,
A, she's not gonna be your wife much longer,
and B, frankly, it's your fault, [sighs]
How the fuck is it my fault?
When you got a beautiful hand model
to lower her standards when she married you, bro,
you made me believe that I had a chance,
You see?
-[grunts] -No, wait, wait, wait,
-Okay, [yells] -[grunting]
-You, , [unintelligible] -You son of a bitch, You son of a bitch!
Get off of me! Get off of me!
-[grunting] -Ooh, Oh, wait,
Bro, I know you're afraid,
I know you're petrified, You keep thinking
how you'll never live without her by your side,
-Oh, look, killer bees, -Eh! Eh!
[rock music]
-You're going to spend so many nights, , -Yeah,
thinking how she did you wrong,
-But you'll grow strong, -Yeah,
-[groaning and shouting] -You'll learn how to get along,
-Are you quoting Gloria Gaynor? -I sure am, my love,
-You like it? Oh! -It's fake, you moron!
[shouts] All right! Okay, okay!
Bro, I have chronic halitosis,
-Truce? Right, -Yeah, sure, Right,
-Truce, -[grunting]
What's fake?
The post,
It isn't real, you fool,
Alexis is divorce baiting everybody,
Divorce whating?
Divorce baiting,
She wants to find out who she can trust,
so she put the fake post up that we're getting a divorce,
-It's fake? -Yes,
What is wrong with you fucking crazies?
That's not right, I was set up to fail,
You're setting everyone up to fail,
[loudly sighs]
[birds chirping]
You know what? [panting]
You two deserve each other,
You are both fucked-up people,
And I am disgusted with the both of you,
[grunts and pants]
And get off my lawn!
[shouts] This isn't even your lawn!
[loud thud]
[Estanley] I feel so violated,
-Am I like a victim now? -She's crazy,
That's what I get for marrying a model,
Models be crazy, man,
It's all those salads and Pilates and shit,
Bitches need a burrito,
You fuckers know I can hear you, right?
[scoffs]
Alexis, you need to take down the post, baby,
People can get hurt,
Look what we've done to poor Estanley,
-[soft whimper] -[Alexis] Fuck no,
-[phone chiming] -Oh, I'll take that,
-Hey, give me, , -Oh, [grunts]
-I got it, -Tell me what it says,
-[groans] -Tell me what it says!
Alexis, these texts
are all condolences,
Tracey just reached out
to say that she's heartbroken,
Thank you, hermano,
That's what I've been trying to tell her,
Tracey wants to have your babies,
-Come on, -[phone chiming]
[light tense music]
-See, -It's nothing,
Ask her to go out tomorrow and have coffee in the morning,
Uh-uh, Because you're gonna take it down tonight,
which would make that unnecessary,
I'm not taking anything down until you go on that coffee date,
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, That was not part of our agreement,
Technically, I agreed in the late afternoon,
so I'm not breaking any agreement,
Go and have coffee and you'll see,
Then, I can kill her,
Do you hear this? Fine,
Just to prove you wrong, I will meet her,
-Oh, it's done, -[soft whooshing]
[light dramatic music]
[scoffs]
-Fine, -Fine,
Fine! [chuckling]
-[sighs] -See? She's fine,
She isn't fine,
Do you know anything about women?
I know that they need burritos,
[crickets chirping]
[cheerful music]
I love my bi-weekly mani-pedis,
[Debby grunts]
[clears throat] Well, tricks, I am off,
Got my eyebrows waxed, I got my Brazilian,
And let me just say, I am so bare down there,
I am turning myself on,
[chuckles] Drip, drip that WAP, bitch!
Girl, you know it,
What? No pedi today?
-Oh! -Uh, no, I've been banned from pedis
ever since I kicked Lila in the eye,
Sorry, Here you go,
Bye!
-Bye, -[giggles]
What a cheap-ass bitch!
-That's Debby, -Yeah,
So, Diva, when do you leave?
In two days, baby,
Damn, you've been working nonstop, that's amazing,
Right? Who knew my vitiligo would be a plus?
It's like they're hiring two Divas for the price of one,
Kanye and Kim,
That's awesome,
I think it's time for me to get back to work,
Honey, I told you, you shouldn't have stopped,
I know, but Emma's older now,
I think I'm ready,
Guess who's the photographer for my next gig?
-No! -Yeah,
I knew mentioning Mr, The-one-that-got-away
would put a smile on your face,
Okay, tell Samuel I said, "Hi, "
-Come tell him, "Hi," yourself, -No, I can't,
Oh, too busy pretending to be divorced?
It's just an experiment, Diva,
I mean, I know this sounds crazy,
but I need to know who I can trust,
Besides, it'll be over in two hours,
Mama, just like no two hands are the same,
no two mans are the same,
Marco is not your cheating ex-husband,
and you could really screw this up if you don't trust him,
-[yells] -[sharp hissing]
[upbeat music]
[yelling] No, no, no, no! That's our acidic foot peel,
[yelling]
[screaming] Kim! Kim!
[loudly crying]
The manicurist burned his hands,
-Second-degree burns, -Oh, shit,
Those bi-racial hands are his bread and butter,
-I know, -That ought to set him back,
Well, they'll just give the job to someone else,
but financially, he's set,
He has insurance on those hands
and the best doctors working on them,
You can insure your body parts?
Yep,
Should I insure my dick?
Why would you insure your dick?
I don't know, As crazy as you've been acting recently,
what if you Lorena Bobbitt me?
-[whistling] -[chuckles]
Babe, I would never chop your dick off,
-Good, -I'd kill you,
Here we go,
Go have fun on your "coffee date, "
-Love you, -Love you,
-[moaning] Come on, -[Marco grunting]
-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, -Like that?
-Okay, All right, -[grunting]
Okay, are you getting me ready for my date?
[sighs] Swirling my scent on you,
[Marco chuckles] What, ,
[wind whistling]
[light tense music]
I can't believe you're making me do this,
[indistinct mumbling]
[Tracey] Hi, Marco, God, you look great!
Coffee, biscotti, what else do you want?
Yeah,
Well, first of all, I just want to say thank you for reaching out, Tracey,
It's, um, good to know that we have friends that we can count on,
Oh, yeah, of course, Absolutely,
So what happened?
You know, basic couple shit,
You know, I left the cap off the toothpaste,
she left her, um, hair in the drain,
Oh, come on, You can be honest with me,
Was she a horrible housewife?
[laughing] The house was always a mess,
-Jerk, -[Tracey] I knew it,
I just won a bet,
-These bitches, -[Tracey] I knew it'd be an issue,
-You're old school, You wanna come home, , -Mm, Mm,
to a clean house and a home-cooked meal, [panting]
-Yeah, Yeah, -What else?
-She could be quite controlling, you know, -[softly] Oh,
Everything had to be right in the calendar,
-Even sex? -Oh, yeah,
Oops, Oh my goodness,
I'm so clumsy, I'm always dropping some, ,
Oh, good one, Tracey,
the old, "I just dropped my napkin, "
Don't fall for it, Marco, Don't fall for it,
Yeah, Oh,
-I'm sorry, -Oh! Oh!
-[panting] -There you go,
Thank you, [giggles]
[phone ringing]
Hi, hon, How are you? How's your hand?
[Diva] Not good, baby girl,
I need you to do me a favor, I need someone to cover me
-for my shoot tomorrow, -[gasps]
It's all taken care of, You just have to say, "Yes, "
Yes! Oh my God, yes!
-I'll see if I can step up to wish you luck, -But hey, uh, I'm in, ,
I'm kind of in the middle of something, all right? C, , can I call you back
or you just send me the details, please?
Sure thing, sugar, I'll put you in contact
-with Samuel's assistant, -Okay, thank you!
Congrats, baby, Love you!
Love you,
[Tracey] Oh, Ooh, this is hard,
[Marco] Do you like it hard?
[Tracey] Absolutely, When you dip it in,
-it becomes moist, [moaning] -What the fuck!
Oh, hell no,
[light tense music]
[leaves rustling]
-Mm, that is good, -Mm,
-I guess a hard biscotti is not the way to go, -Mm,
Anyway, Tracey, what about you?
I mean, it's been three years since the divorce?
-Mm-hmm, -How's the dating scene?
[sighs] It's pretty bleak, if I'm honest,
You know? It's hard to find a man, a good man,
especially when you have kids,
-Yeah, -Hey,
-Oh! Oh! -Oh!
-Oh, sh, , -Oh, I got it,
-[unintelligible] -I got it,
-I got it, Yeah, right there, it's coming out, -It's gonna come out? All right,
-Yeah? O, , okay, I've got it, -It's coming out, yeah, Yeah, yeah,
-You've got to dab it, -Okay, I'v, , I've got it,
-Good, good, All right, okay, I've got it, -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
-Yeah, that's good, No, no, n, , Oh! -Yeah, I, , I've g, ,
-That's good! That's good, -Oh!
-Ye, , Oh, -Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I totally went
-autopilot Mommy on your ass, -No, that's all right,
-I've gotta go anyway, -I'm so sorry,
[leaves rustling]
[footsteps receding]
[panting]
[thud]
Okay,
That was, , that was weird,
I can't keep a clean house?
You were listening to me?
Check your pockets,
You don't trust me!
No, it was Tracy I couldn't trust,
Apparently, I can't trust you either,
I was making shit up, Alexis,
I just told you the other night
how hard it is to keep up with a lie,
Why the hell was she trying to grab your dick?
Oh my God,
I, , I dropped my biscotti on my lap,
She went right into Mommy mode to try to clean it up,
-Okay, Why didn't you shut her down? -[shouting] I did shut it down!
Jesus Christ! Man, why are you so insecure?
Don't call me insecure!
You said you loved my calendars,
I've had enough of this,
Oh, so you've had enough of me? Okay,
[engine rumbling]
I didn't say you, I said this!
[engine revving]
[crickets chirping]
[dog barking]
[soft tinkling]
[soft clattering]
[soft laughs]
[soft clattering]
You made one cup of coffee?
-[slurps] -[soft clanks]
That's mature,
[phone chiming]
So you're seeing your ex-boyfriend today?
Don't be insecure,
Oh, I'm not,
I just think you're a hypocrite,
Oh, we're name-calling now?
It's for a job, I was gonna tell you yesterday,
but you were too busy on your date,
[laughing] Oh, my, ,
[slurping]
That wasn't a date,
You made me go,
This is nuts!
Look, during your date,
Diva asked me to step in for him,
I haven't worked in years, and I didn't think it was such a big deal
that Samuel would be there,
Oh, sure you didn't, but that's okay,
Go ahead, Do it,
Unlike you, I trust you,
But this guy?
Oh, this guy! He still has feelings for you, Hmm!
Oh, I've seen all the likes he's given on your social media,
"Oh, you're looking great, " "Oh, married life suits you, " [fake laugh]
You're trolling him? I haven't even talked to him or seen him in years,
-Whatever, -Whatever,
By the way, I'm going out tonight, you don't need to wait up,
Hey, go have dinner with him, Whatever,
I fucking trust you,
[thuds]
♪ I'm flying ♪
♪ I'm high ♪
♪ On life ♪
♪ Don't care ♪
♪ Don't need you ♪
♪ No strides ♪
♪ I'm flying ♪
♪ I'm high ♪
♪ On life ♪
♪ Don't care ♪
♪ I need you in my life ♪
♪ But I hate you ♪
♪ Yet I love you ♪
♪ But I hate you ♪
♪ Yet I love you ♪
♪ Sometimes I'm scratching like I have an itch ♪
♪ And sometimes I'm faking ♪
-♪ Like I don't care ♪ -[panting]
♪ But I do ♪
["I Hate You But I Love You" continues on headphone]
♪ Don't you dare even pretend, , ♪
[Miss Beach] Marco!
What the, ,
[panting] Hey, Miss Beach,
[laughing] Hi, Marco, And please, call me Barbie,
I didn't know you lived in this neighborhood,
Actually, I don't, I, ,
ran a little further than I usually do,
-[chuckles] -Just trying to let off some steam,
I understand, I bet the divorce is taking a toll,
Yeah, right, The divorce,
I like to release sexual tension by planting cacti,
[birds chirping]
That's an interesting cactus,
Hey, are you busy this evening?
Actually, I'm not,
Have you heard of The Pool Party?
-I went to one last week, -I mean, The Pool Party,
[scoffs] Sure, Are the kids gonna be there?
[laughs] My godd, , oh, you're so funny,
-Oh, wouldn't that be awful? -Oh, yeah,
Ugh, Kids, the darn kids you spent so much time with,
So I'll pick you up later?
Uh, let's just meet there,
And, um, should I wear my bathing suit or can I change there?
[laughing] Bathing suit!
You're so hilarious!
[light romantic music]
Okay, uh, bye, Miss Beach,
[Miss Beach] I'll text you the address,
-[horn honking] -Imagine being pampered like this all the time,
Oh my God, I missed this for sure,
I'm happy to hear it, But, ,
are you ready to see Samuel?
What? Okay, there is nothing there, I promise,
Honey, you and him had some crazy chemistry,
And that's dangerous,
Okay, Samuel and I were hot for each other, but toxic,
We were always at each other's throats,
And the only reason we lasted that long
was because of the make-up sex,
Well, just make sure those embers are gone,
-We want you going back to work, not back to being single, -[chuckles]
[deeply inhales and exhales]
They're ready for you, try not to fuck this up,
[club music]
[both laugh]
What the, , okay,
Don't worry about her, She's pissed
because she wanted this job,
You watch your back around her,
Oh, I'm so nervous, I didn't even get a chance to eat today, I'm starving,
[grunts] Well, grab a snack and knock them dead,
I'll see you on the flip side, baby,
I've got an appointment for some TLC
with Kim and Kanye,
[chuckling] Okay, Thank you so much,
Feel better,
[club music]
Hell yeah, we're back, bitches,
Ooh, Hell yeah,
Love crafty table,
[softly] Hi, I missed you! [chuckles]
[whispering] Oh, fuck yeah, Come here,
[mumbling]
Oh, that's, , never mind, enjoy,
[softly] I hate her, with her big titties,
[softly] Mm!
[soft rattling]
Mm!
[tense music]
Oh, fuck!
[upbeat music]
Fuck!
[spitting]
[retching]
[coughing]
[deeply inhales]
[moans]
[clattering]
-Allie? Allie, Allie, Allie, Allie! -Samuel!
-Hey, -Oh my God!
-How are you? [giggles] -How are you? Come here,
-You look so beautiful, -Oh, okay,
-No, again!
Okay, Samuel, great,
You can't kiss me on the mouth anymore,
-I'm a married woman, -Oh, that is a nice rock,
[club music]
-So, you're ready to go? Okay, -Yep,
-Mm-hmm, Let's go, Mm-hmm, -Yeah,
What? Still feisty,
-Oh, you know me, Always, -She's so feisty, I like it,
-Yeah, Mm, -No, I, , I missed that,
Actually, I haven't missed much, I've been keeping up with you
-on social media, Yeah! -Really?
Because I don't know anything about you,
Other than you're still not married,
Oh, burn,
[sighs] Well, honey, you've ruined me for all women,
That's because I'm like a dog on a fire hydrant, just, ,
-[mimics pissing] just pissing all over you, -[sighs]
[softly] Thank you for the image, Thank you,
-Okay, let's get started, Yeah? -Yeah,
Jasmine is gonna be helping us out,
Oh, I think she's helped enough,
-Okay, Alexis, take a seat, -[Jasmine] Yeah,
Uh, Jasmine, will you place
a few of those gummies in her palm for me?
Okay, Alexis, open up, Place them right there,
Beautiful, Beau, ,
-Oh! Bouncy little fuckers, -Okay, Jasmin, ,
-What happened? -Jasmine, the whol, , the whole point,
Jasmine, is to place them in her palm,
make sure they stay, okay? Let's try that,
Okay, let's do it again, Let's go, Okay,
-There you go, All right, here we go, -Mm-hmm,
-Um, -Give me hot, Roll the tips,
-[camera clicking] -Yes, roll the tips,
Now, open it up, Open it up, open it up!
Yes, [grunts] Give me a hyena, [growls]
-Oh, yeah, -[mimics hyena] Those fingertips are so sexy,
God, look at that, So, Diva tells me
that this is your first hand job in eight years,
[laughs] Hand job? Oh, you're so funny,
I get it, Uh, no, actually,
I haven't given a hand job since I was 17,
Well, looks like we'll have to change that,
I'm just kidding, I, , I'm kidding,
Okay, you know what? let's go to the chocolates,
Let's place one on the index finger,
on the tip, okay?
Gently place it there, Jasmine, Thank you,
-Okay, Alexis, -[Jasmine] Hold still,
[Samuel] Hold it there, Okay, Come on,
That's gorgeous, Come on, No, no,
-[loud whooshing] -[echoing] Open it up, let me see it, Nice,
Give me a round, Give me a round, for me,
Come on, Come on,
[indistinct echoing]
[camera clicking]
[echoing chuckles]
[whooshing increases]
Wait,
-[camera clicking] -[Samuel echoing] Yes, yes, Give it to me, ,
[unintelligible]
[laughing]
[echoing] I, , I'm melting,
I'm melt, ,
[panting] Melt, , -
-I'm melting! -Oh my God!
-I'm melting! -Jasmine, will you help her up?
-Come, , -[laughing]
Alexis, wha, , what's wrong?
-She drugged me, -Wait, wait, wait, What?
-Did you eat the edibles? -[mimicking] "Did you eat the edibles?"
She gave them to me,
Oh my God, look at your titties,
[chuckling] They're so big!
That's a wrap, We got it, We got it, Come on, Jasmine, you can get up,
-[laughing] -No, Come on, let's go,
We got it, We got the shot, You're such a pro,
-Yes! Okay, -[soft moans]
I want a hot dog,
I will give you a hot dog, Let's go,
[salsa music]
All right, you're our last guest, You can join them by the pool,
they're about to begin in five minutes,
All right, Thank you,
[electronic music]
[indistinct chatter]
You made it!
Oh, and you brought a bag of tricks,
Some people usually wait a few times
before they dive right in,
But you're just getting all in there, aren't you?
-[laughs] -Yeah, I'm a good swimmer,
Look, I don't mean to brag,
-but I was on the JV team for four years, -[laughs]
-What's up, buddy? [laughs] -[groans] Oh, God!
Oh, man, I knew you'd come around,
-Wow, Oh! -Yeah,
-[Julia] Hey, -The whole gang is here,
-Hey, Marco, -Okay,
We've been coming to these pool parties for some time now,
Really? And you never thought of inviting Alexis and me?
[all laugh]
-Who doesn't love a good pool party, right? -[woman] Yeah,
[lively chattering]
Let's get wet,
-[woman] Let's get wet! -[cheering]
[upbeat music]
[muted voice]
-Marquito! -Ah, Jesus,
You were invited?
-Sheesh, -[chuckles]
Technically, no,
I saw your text from Miss Beach,
so I'm crashing,
But I knew you'd need a sidekick,
You saw my text? That's, ,
Oh, and I'm gonna need a ride, I took the bus,
You took the bus wearing water shoes?
It's for the environment, bro, Don't judge,
Hey, hey, I'm really glad
-that you're here, -Why isn't anyone in the pool?
That's what I mean,
Something's up, I, I, I just can't put my finger on it,
But the fact that they never invited Alexis and me to one of these parties, ,
[Frank] Can I have your attention, everybody?
[Tanya] I'd like to welcome everyone,
As always, we will go over the short rules,
I'm glad they're reminding everyone not to run,
I fell on my head so hard once,
I forgot how to wipe my own ass for a week,
The safe word is "papaya, "
-[continues indistinctly] -That's the original manager of Guns N' Roses,
-[Marco] No way, -[Bob] Yeah, bro,
I didn't know he was in the bingo,
[Tanya] , and unfortunately you can't
-come back ever again, -[laughs]
Let's begin,
[upbeat electronic music]
-Fourteen, -Boom, yeah!
Number one draft pick,
University of awesome, bro,
These people are so fucking organized,
All of this just to get in the pool?
I swear I'm gonna cannonball on these fools when I get in,
-I'm with you, -I have an 18 and a 3,
-[cheering] -Alright,
[Frank] We have a 26,
[crowd] Yeah!
-[Frank] Thirty, -That's you, bro,
Oh shit,
[all cheering]
Yeah, Alright,
Thank you, Thank you,
-Alright, -Bye,
Yeah, man, See you in the pool, bro,
[Marco] Whoo-hoo!
Hey, 30,
Hey, you are in the bomb pop room,
Follow me,
Okay,
-Here you go, -Thank you,
[mouths] What the fuck?
[door closes]
The toys are always the best part,
Oh, god, I'm sorry, is, is this your room?
It's our room, Should we change now?
Um, sure,
Oh, you mean now? Oh, oh, okay,
I'll, I'll just turn around and give you some privacy,
[exhales]
Oh, ow, What? What are you doing?
You have small wrists, I like that,
Maybe we can use it to our advantage,
What about the pool?
[groans] Meh, meh, meh,
Oh, my God, Oh, [gagging]
[whiplash]
Shut up!
[grunting]
-[whiplash] -[groans]
Oh, uh, sorry, I, , My bad,
No, honey, you're in the right room,
Close the door,
Okay,
I, uh, ,
Are we supposed to do something?
-Are those for me? -Hell yeah,
We have company joining us in just a moment,
[gasps]
No way,
My dreams are finally coming true,
I've always wanted to be in a threesome,
Can I keep my water shoes on?
Whatever floats your boat, darling,
-[laughs] -[door closes]
Hi, my name is Gunther,
[wheezes]
-[whiplash] -[Laurie] I have more toys,
[Marco gagging]
A runner! How fun,
[Marco moans]
[grunts]
You didn't say papaya,
[gagging]
-What? -Papaya, Papaya,
Get these cuffs off me, please,
-Okay, -Oh, my god,
Come on, Estanley,
[knocks on door]
Estanley,
-[woman moans] -Oh, I'm sorry,
-[door closes] -I'm sorry,
[woman moaning]
[door opens]
-[Marco] Bob? -Marco,
-Marco, here, -No, I'm good,
I'm good,
-[knocks on door] -Estanley,
-[goat bleating]
[Estanley screams]
Estanley, Estanley,
[Estanley] I've never known so much pleasure,
Marco, Hey, Awesome pool party, huh?
Uh, Estanley, we've gotta go,
Hell, no, bro,
I, I've waited for this moment my whole life,
-I'm leaving, -Wait, wait, wait, wait,
Mistress Tanya, may I please have a ride home?
I'll give you a ride, honey,
Thank you, Mistress Tanya,
You good, man?
I'm so good, bro,
Good luck,
[Estanley] Marco! Marco!
Don't forget about me, bro,
Marco! Marco!
-[Marco] What? -This is Gunther,
-Hi, -[Estanley] Can he come over
-for pizza Friday night? -Sure,
Okay, Estanley,
One, two, or three balls?
Yes, please, Oh,
[groan echoes]
[Mexican music]
So weird, I didn't think Gunther would be the one to cry,
Yeah, What a little bitch,
I did all the work,
Get me three tacos,
Yes, ma'am,
Hamburger for Tomas!
Ah-ha! I knew it,
You carrot top motherfucker,
What's this?
Mm?
A burger?
You're not a vegan,
You're a phony,
Fuck you, Estanley,
Get back here, you son of a bitch!
[Tanya] What about my tacos, fool?
Oh, my god, That's my neighbor,
Wait, wait, You know him?
Yeah,
Now this, my darling, is perfection,
-[giggles] -You've got ketchup,
mustard, mayo, relish, end to end,
All the flavor in every bite,
It looks like a mess, [chuckles]
Do you want me to make yours?
No, I'm good, Mr, Perfection,
Actually, I'm really hungry,
Oh my god, That long dog
at the Gwen Stefani concert,
That shit was perfection, Am I right?
Great concert, but I drank way too much,
My god, Shit, This just reminds me,
-Do you remember the morning after? -Don't remind me,
I drove you home in the morning,
Wait, wait, wait,
You be me, I'll be you,
-No, -Alexis, please,
No, you're awful,
-I am awful, Please, -Fine,
Thank you,
-You have to drive, -Okay, I'm driving,
[imitates car]
-Baby, do you mind pulling over, , [screams] -Okay, sure, sure,
[whimpers]
No,
-[imitates puking] -[giggling]
-[coughs] -I wiped my face like that too? Okay,
That was the most demure throw-up I've ever seen in my life,
And then you just drove off like nothing happened,
I didn't even notice until I got home
there was puke all on the side of my car,
I know, I'm so sorry,
I was such an idiot, I think we just began dating,
It took me a while to get you
to let your walls down and just be you,
Puke and all,
But you did,
You know, sometimes I think you're the last person
I really got to do that with,
That jacket looks good on you,
[Alexis] Thanks,
You think Jasmine is gonna sue me?
No, You, , she basically roofied you,
-Right, -Yeah,
We got what we needed anyway,
All I cared about was the fact
that you looked happy and that you loosened up,
It reminded me of old times,
Yeah,
-[both] So, , -[clears throat]
[grunting]
[screams]
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry,
-Oh, my god, -It was just an instinct,
-Are you kidding? -It's just an old, old habit,
-I don't know, -Old habit? [grunts]
-Let me take you to the hospital! -No, no, no, no, no, no,
It's just, you know, No, I don't want that, I'm gonna leave it in for a moment,
[indistinct] You like it?
-Yeah, Yeah, -Oh,
-Shit, God, You are a crazy fucker, -Yeah,
I am, Oh, touch it,
-Touch it? [indistinct] -Touch it,
[both grunting]
Oh, this is getting weird,
Yes, It hasn't hit the bone yet,
Alright, Alright, So go deeper?
[both moaning]
[Marco moaning]
[groaning]
[grunting]
[gurgling]
[shivering]
[comical music]
[crickets chirping]
[romantic music]
[groans]
Hey,
[giggles] Hey,
Do you hate me?
No, Never,
It's the opposite,
I love you,
[whispers] I love you too,
I took the post down last night,
-You were right, -Whoa, whoa,
[chuckles] It was stupid and immature
and I should have never done it,
That was a big mistake,
Can we just forget it ever happened?
Yes!
I want nothing more,
So, ,
you took it down with no explanation?
"For better or for worse, we aren't divorcing,
I'm sorry to everyone who worried about us,
We love you, "
Aww, that's perfect,
[giggles]
But could you repeat one thing? Um, ,
-Yeah, -Could you repeat the part
when you said the words "You were right"?
[giggles]
[calm music]
Oh, you liked that, didn't you?
-Mm-hmm, -Oh, you were so right,
Again,
-You were so, , -[both moan]
- , right, -Yeah? [chuckles]
[both giggle]
-All right then, -Mm-hmm,
-[Alexis] Mm-hmm, -[phone message beeps]
Oh, my god,
Oh, my god, babe, I have some amazing news,
Babe, what's wrong?
Debby sent me this,
Okay, I, I can explain,
Did she send you the one where I stabbed him in the leg
with the pencil right after?
-You're unbelievable, -Marco?
-No! -Get off me!
Babe,
[door opens, closes]
Bitch,
God,
[music blasting on speaker]
I tried to tell you that she's out of your league, bro,
Ugh! Fuck you, Estanley,
Everybody is in my league, man,
Alright? I'm not short, I'm not tall either,
I'm good-looking,
I've made something of myself,
Listen, so is Alexis really sad?
She should be,
-I'm the best thing she's ever had, -[holds laughter]
Is she angry? Like "I'm gonna have a revenge fuck with some rando
to get back at that motherfucker" angry?
Or, or, or is she angry
like, "You know what? Fuck Marco,
I'm gonna blow all his friends
because I'm an independent woman, "
What? That's, ,
She kissed him,
Why would she be mad?
Guys, guys, What's with the questions?
We're just trying to figure out
if it's a good time to ask her out now
or just wait a little bit,
You're cool with now?
Are you fucking kidding me?
-God! -You two are supposed to be
-on my side! -[groans]
-Fucking son of a, , -Jesus,
-Calm down, man, - , bitch,
-This is a brand new shirt, you motherfucker, -Jesus,
-Christ, -Goddammit,
Alright,
[Estanley] You know what? The way I see it,
you must remember this,
A kiss is just a kiss,
A fly is just a fly, It, ,
Ah, fuck, How, how does it go?
The fuck are you saying?
Well, what I'm saying is once you love her screw,
they still say "I love you, "
And that's the shit, man,
That's totally the shit,
That's the shit,
I love her, I love her,
[Estanley] He's passed out,
-Let's sharpie his face and his balls, -Yeah,
-[crickets chirping] -[Estanley] Did you bring the sharpie?
[Bob] Fuck,
[Estanley] Fuck,
[snoring]
Save me, Save me,
I'm the king, I'm the king,
Oh, god, Oh, god, Oh, god, Oh, god, Oh, god,
No,
[distant bird squawking]
[groans]
[clears throat]
Coffee like you like it,
How did you know I was here?
Estanley ordered pizza from our pizza account,
[laughs]
Babe, I'm really sorry,
Samuel kissed me, but I swear I didn't kiss him back,
You know what, Alexis?
I warned you that something like this would happen,
But you ignored me,
So this is all your fault,
-I know, -The divorce baiting, sending me on a coffee date,
and then I get violated at a pool party,
-What? -Never mind,
You have trust issues, Alexis,
Your walls are up with me and they won't come down,
And I feel that that will never happen,
But I can handle knowing that they may never come down,
but you not trusting me
and then you go out and you kiss your ex,
[exhales] Wow,
[distant birds chirping, squawking]
I need time alone,
Wait, babe,
Man, is he pissed at you,
[distant bird squawking]
[distant car honking]
[knocks on door]
Come in,
Hi, You busy?
Oh, hey, Debs, Come in,
Take a seat,
You know, I, ,
I just wanted to check on you, so I brought you lunch,
Oh, wow, That was very nice of you,
Shit, I guess it is lunch,
Yeah, Ahi Poke,
Are you serious? That is my favorite,
You've always got my back,
It wasn't that hard, honestly,
You're posting lots and lots of poke pics,
-Poke pics, -[laughs]
Right,
Hey,
-About the video, , -Oh,
I just want you to know I was absolutely tortured
all night about it,
But I thought if it were me, I would want to know,
So I had to send it,
Hm, I get it, I get it,
Well, you did the right thing, Thank you,
And I'm sorry that you were put through that,
And I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision,
So thank you again,
-Okay, -Right,
Oh, by any chance, is there any sriracha?
Oh, uh, no,
That's okay, It's okay,
I always have extra in the drawer here,
[seductive music]
Ah, found some sriracha, , Jesus,
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Debby,
Debby, what are you doing?
-[Alexis] Hi, Becky, -[Marco shushes]
[Alexis] Oh, you look so great today,
Is he in?
Oh, yes, Mrs, Laguna,
I'm sure he'll be happy to see you,
Oh shit, Oh shit, Come on, Come on,
Can you please hold his calls
and not let anyone disturb us?
-Sure thing, -Thank you,
[suspenseful music]
Hi, baby,
Hi, Oh, good,
You're closer to forgiving me,
Oh, we're good, baby,
-[grunts] -[Alexis] Yeah,
-Oh, we're good, -[chuckles]
I see you have lunch,
Awesome, Because I brought you dessert,
Oh, wow,
Wow,
I know you've been wanting me
to give you a little show,
Stay right there, baby, Right there,
-I just, , [clears throat] I want to take it all in, -[Alexis giggles]
I want to look at you for a moment,
Hey, girl,
[gasps]
Alexis, nothing happened,
Debby, tell her I didn't do anything,
Oh shit, I didn't do anything,
[sobs]
Debby,
Why? Why?
[crying]
[emotional music]
Baby, what are you doing?
I knew it,
Knew what?
When your ex-wife's friends reached out to you after your divorce,
you could have said no, but you didn't,
There are plenty of women who would have slept with you,
Were you secretly lusting after them
while you were married?
Baby, please stop doing this,
Stop doing this,
This is so messed up, Marco,
[sighs] You asked me to let my guard down,
You set us up for disaster,
You've always had one foot out the door,
You have never let me in,
And this whole divorce bait thing,
it wasn't that you just couldn't trust your friends,
You couldn't trust me, You never have,
[zipper zipping]
So this is my fault?
-I didn't say that, -I'm leaving,
I, , whoa, whoa, Where are you going?
This is ridiculous, We're married, baby,
Diva still can't work,
and the company really loved what I did,
They offered me a campaign,
I've already worked it out with Emma's dad,
I'll be gone for three weeks,
Well, I'm so glad that you worked this all out,
Uh, let me guess, is your ex going to be there?
I shut that down, Marco, He's not even an issue,
Wait, wait, Whoa, whoa, You're gonna give all this up for that jerk?
-Oh, stop being insecure, -I'm not insecure,
That fucker ain't got shit on me,
Oh yeah, Well, at least he's never hurt me,
[emotional music]
Neither have I, Alexis,
Fuck,
[birds chirping]
[phone ringing]
[Alexis] Hey, it's Alexis, You know what to do,
[phone line beeps]
[mutters angrily] Where are you, Alexis?
Why you do this all the time?
[sighs]
-[door opens] -[Bob] Marco,
You shouldn't leave your back door open,
Weirdos can just walk right in,
Present company not excluded,
Marco, This is a mantervention,
-A what? -We're intervening on your hall pass
because we know you're gonna fuck this up,
Take notes,
I, , I'm not on a hall pass, guys,
Alright? I don't want to see other women,
This is every married man's dream,
Guys, this isn't a breakup,
You don't think she's out there banging that stallion?
-I do, -I wouldn't call him a stallion,
While you sit here moping,
she's out there riding him like a bull,
-[imitates moaning] -I bet he's pulling her hair,
-"Ah, Pull my hair, " -All of her hair,
-"Pull my hair, baby, " -Doing the stuff
you won't even dream of doing,
-Fuck stuff, -All the, ,
Jesus, Bob,
What the hell's your problem, man?
We're just trying to help you get laid
before that window of opportunity closes on you, man,
Shrinking and shrinking and shrinking,
You gotta dive through before it closes,
I don't want to get laid,
[laughs]
I don't think he does,
The best part is, you can do it all
from the comfort of your lumpy-ass couch,
What are you talking about?
Virtual dating, bro,
It's what you always said you wish you got to do,
You don't even got to touch a girl,
so you can do all kinds of kinky stuff,
completely disease free,
Oh, wow, Bob,
-Mm, -So you're saying I can look at naked girls
-on my computer screen without even touching them? -Mm,
Man, I think that's called jerking off,
-Yeah, -It's a revolution in dating,
Oh, I remember my first FaceTime fuck,
She had me do things that no one else has ever made me do again,
Like what? Go on a real date?
No, like call her repeatedly
while her phone was on vibrate,
She wrapped that phone up and made it disappear,
Oh, I had that bitch on speed dial,
-[imitates moaning] -I'd call, stop, call, stop,
-call, stop! -[moaning]
We're sorry, Your call cannot be completed as dialed,
-Mm, -Mm, Sounds magical,
Now, there are some things you might have forgotten
since you're always jumping from one marriage directly into another,
I, I'd tell you to fuck off if that weren't true,
You gotta remember, the hotter that chick, the crazier she's gonna be,
Come on, guys, This is bullshit,
Alexis is hot, but she's not crazy,
She's just really insecure,
And she makes up things in her mind
about people that aren't true, and, um, ,
Shit, she's crazy,
-Go on, -[Estanley] Okay,
[clears throat] We've taken the liberty
of creating you your very own online dating profile,
What? That's my computer, man, I've been looking all over for it,
I took it off your nightstand this morning,
By the way, he is really an ugly sleeper,
[Bob] Add that to the list, No sleepovers after getting laid,
-[Estanley] No, no, no, -But nonetheless, you are getting a ton of hits,
-I am? -[Bob] Hell yeah, bro,
You're a successful divorcée
who looks like one of those high school teachers
who bangs all his students,
-You're every woman's dream, -[Marco sighs]
Yeah,
Sure,
-[chuckles] -All right, All right,
Heck, I'll try it, But just not right now,
-All right? -Okay,
-Yeah, all right, -Yeah,
You'll see, This is good for you,
You know, stress builds up
-in a man's nut sack, -Yeah, Okay,
[Estanley] It has to just get out,
-[Marco] Oh, great, Thanks, doctor, -Wait,
-Where are you going? -You gonna finish this?
First my laptop, now my pizza?
You got anything else?
Get out of here,
[soft dramatic music]
[phone keys clacking]
[door opens]
Hey, Is the van not here yet?
Uh, nope,
Oh,
Look, uh, you're doing a great job,
It's like riding a bike, You never forget,
[chuckles] Yeah, but I don't know how to ride a bike,
-First time I tried, I broke my leg, -How did I not know
that you didn't know how to ride a bike?
I don't know,
Okay, you know what, this is my new mission,
But first, ,
I have something, Give, , Give me a second,
-Okay? Wait for it, -[scoffs] What?
You can trust Samuel,
[bachata music on phone speaker]
Look, I'm not a total jerk,
Little bit of a jerk, Not a total jerk,
I saw that you were sad,
And when you were sad,
when we were together, we, ,
used to have the most amazing makeup sex,
-Okay, but not anymore, -[groans softly]
[both chuckle]
[sighs, clears throat]
But dancing used to make you smile too,
[cheerful music]
May I?
-Come on, -Okay, [clears throat]
-[phone dings] -[panting]
-It's the van, [chuckles] -Oh,
-Good, -Yeah, All right, Um, ,
Uh, I'm gonna get my things, All right,
[footsteps receding]
-[dog barking] -[crickets chirping]
Oh, shit,
How did you guys get in here?
Told you to lock your door,
-Marco, in just a moment, , -Hmm,
you will begin your virtual sex life,
You have a real fake date with Cherry,
Wait, you mean right now?
-Now or never, -Yeah,
-Later, -[Bob] Good luck, bro,
Wait, you two, What are you doing?
I don't know who the hell is this,
-[Bob] Get it, -[door closes]
What the, ,
[Cherry over video call] Hello?
I'm here,
-Hey, -Marco?
Uh, Cherry,
-Yeah, that's me, [giggles] -Hmm,
You look way better "in person, "
[giggles]
-Thank you, -You, , You're very pretty,
Oh, handsome and sweet,
Check and check,
Oh, you have a checklist,
Absolutely, [chuckles]
Well, this is my first virtual date,
-No way, -Hmm,
Cherry's popping your cherry,
-[giggles] -[laughs]
Hey, do you wanna play a game?
Sure, What game?
Strip Two Truths and a Lie,
Okay, got it,
I'll guess first,
Let's see, I've traveled to Japan,
I've traveled to Amsterdam,
And I've traveled to Spain,
I think you've traveled to Spain and Amsterdam,
Wrong, I've always wanted to travel to Amsterdam,
Okay, Well, here I go,
-[giggles] -Whoa,
-Geez, -My turn,
I play guitar,
I play with dolls, [chuckles]
I play with myself,
Um, I'm gonna go with the guitar and yourself,
-Wrong! [giggles] -[chuckles softly]
[mischievous music]
Say hi to James and Ann,
Oh, that's, , interesting,
Oh, you're serious, You want me, ,
-[chuckles] -Hi, James, Hi, Ann,
[in Ann's voice] You lose, Marco,
Take something off,
Oh, nice pecs,
[in James's voice] Are you a dirty boy, Marco?
Excuse me? Cherry?
James is talking to you, Marco,
Aren't you going to answer him?
Oh, yes, James,
I, , Okay, [chuckling] Oh, my, ,
Li, , Listen, uh, Cherry,
You seem really nice, but this, ,
-Rub your nipples for me, -What?
No, I don't, Look, , You know what?
This was fun but I'm gonna, ,
James wants to go into the deep cave,
Okay, here we go,
Switch to his wet suit, [chuckles] Yes,
Oh, imagine this was your face
and it was going into my deep cave,
-Your what? -Here he goes,
spelunking into my deep cavern,
-[gasps] Oh, -[mouthing] Oh, my God,
It's so dark in here and humid,
Um, listen, listen, I, I haven't spelunked anyone but my wife in four years
-and I just, I think I gotta go, -What?
You said you were divorced,
Yes, From my ex-wife, But my new wife,
I mean, my, my current wife and I, ,
-[Cherry's grandma] Cherry! - , we're going, ,
Cherry! Are you in there again?
-Dinner's ready, -Jeez, Grandma!
I'm on a frigging date! I am not hungry,
[Cherry's grandma] Oh, I hope he's a nice boy!
No, Grandma, he's not,
He's just another liar, like Grandpa!
[cherry's grandma] Well, don't make a mess in there again!
You know what, Grandma? I will have that dinner,
I'm wasting my time here,
Whoa,
-Are you fucking kidding me? You're watching this? -[muted]
Get out of here,
[traffic humming]
[lively music]
[clears throat]
-[grunts] -What the heck are you up to, Samuel Gray Junior?
I told you I had a mission,
-I rented bikes, -I see that,
-I did, -[chuckles]
And the only way to get them back
is if you and I, we ride them back to the store,
Yeah, if I break my wrist,
-I will kill you, -You won't break your wrist,
-Come on, You can trust me, -Can I? [chuckles softly]
Ish, Trust me, ish,
Okay, Well, listen, This is a helmet,
-[chuckles softly] -Okay? Safety first,
-No, let me clasp it, I got it, I got it, -But my hair,
I know, It's okay, It's just hair,
-Ow! -What?
-[laughing] Just kidding, -No, Don't do that yet,
-I haven't even put you on a bike yet, Okay, Okay, -It's fine, It's fine, I had to,
This, darling, is a bicycle,
-Okay, -Okay? Okay,
All right, So listen, the brake here is everything,
If you feel like you're losing control, you put your feet down, ,
- , you press the brake, -All right,
-Repeat, -F, , Foot down, press the brake,
-Got it, -Beautiful, Okay,
-Foot on pedal, -[chuckling] Okay,
-Come on, you can do this, Okay? -Okay, All right, Mm-hmm,
-All right, I'm gonna count, -Okay,
-One, -Two,
-Go, [grunts] -[gasps]
-I got scared, Sorry, -But you have to let go
-of the brake, -All right,
-You got this, Okay? -All right,
-Yeah, -All right,
-I'm gonna push now, -All right,
-All right, Go, -[indistinct]
-Oh, my God, You're doing it, -[chuckling] Oh, my God,
-Ah! Oh, my God, -You got this, Alexis, Straight, No, no, no,
Straight, straight, straight, Straight, straight,
-[chuckling] -Remember what I said, You got this, okay?
-Oh, my God, -Yep?
-I'm doing it, -Yes,
-[screams] -Yes, It's like drinking
-a Coca-Cola, Right? -Wait,
-Oh, my God, I'm doing it, -Yeah, you are,
-I'm doing it, -I'm right here watching,
I'm right here watching, Look at that,
-Are you holding me? -No, no, no, Yeah,
-Oh, my God, -Yeah, no, I'm holding you,
-Wait, wait, -No, I'm holding you,
-I'm not holding you! -[screaming]
I'm not holding you,
Yes! You're doing it,
-[thud] -Oh, my, , That was fucking great,
-[groans] -Are you okay, Alexis?
-Yeah, -Oh, that's fine,
[grunts] A bush in your face never hurt, huh?
-I hate bushes in my face, -I know you do, [groans]
[mellow music]
You got this,
Remember what I told you, okay?
-Ah, ah, [indistinct] -[screams] Oh!
[both groan]
[laughing]
You know, you're actually a pretty good teacher,
[chuckling]
Uh, I'm actually a better rider,
Yeah, Let me show you some tricks,
Hey, Allie, you rolling?
Yeah, I got, , I got you, okay,
Watch this,
[energetic music]
[Alexis laughs]
[Samuel grunts]
-[groans] -[thud]
-Oh, [chuckles softly] -I'm okay,
-Okay, -Keep rolling,
All right, I'm rolling, ,
-[loud clatter] -[Alexis] Oh,
S, , Samuel, uh, ,
[gasps]
I think you're bleeding,
No, I'm not bleeding,
Oh, shoot, I'm bleeding,
But I'm okay, No, no, no,
I have just one move I wanna show you,
Keep rolling the camera, Allie,
-Keep rolling the camera, -Oh,
O, , Okay, Yeah,
[groans]
-[groaning] Oh, God, -Ah, ah, [exclaims]
-You okay? -Oh, oh,
[clears throat] I'm good,
[grunting]
I'm good, I'm good,
Oh, Oh,
[crying] Stupid bike,
[mumbles, cries]
[indistinct] bike reading,
[mumbles, cries]
[jazzy music]
[groans]
♪ We know we know ♪
♪ Our world will change ♪
♪ Fork in the road ♪
[music continues playing muffled on speaker]
You know, being sad makes you frown,
and frowning gives you wrinkles,
-Better, -[chuckles]
I'm sorry your job got cut short,
Yeah, Samuel not only got a concussion,
a broken tooth, but he also fractured his leg
and his coccyx bone,
-You broke the boy's dick? -No,
-His butt bone, -[sighs]
He's such a show-off, I had forgotten about that,
I was so distracted by his blue eyes,
-I forgot how self-centered he is, -[Diva] Wrinkles,
[sighs]
If Marco and I split permanently,
I'm gonna have to tell Emma I'm gonna get another divorce,
You know you don't really want to divorce Marco, baby,
but your ego is getting in the way,
-Why don't you tell me how you really feel? -You don't honestly believe
Miss I Showed Everyone My Titties At Lunch
was really Marco's fault?
That bitch puts fucks before friends,
And he's successful, loyal, and sort of good-looking,
Shit, your post put out the bat signal
-for all them bitches, -[sighs]
Why didn't you tell me this a month ago?
Would you have listened?
You weren't ready,
And I really wanted you to take the job,
I knew you and Marco would be okay,
Marco will forgive you, baby,
-[sighs] -You'll think of something,
Hey, give me another bottle, ladies,
I know what we're trying to do here,
Okay,
I deserve that,
Tracey accidentally included me on the group text for the nail party,
I came here to apologize for lying
and posting that Marco and I were divorcing,
I was really sad, Alexis,
I ate a pint of ice cream every night
and gained, like, ten pounds,
-[sobbing] -It's okay, You still look great,
I'm so sorry,
You all may not know this, but, ,
I have trust issues,
[all] We know,
Oh, [chuckles] Okay,
-Look, -[melancholic music]
I'm on my second marriage, All right?
And I'm fucking up big time,
I'm making all the same mistakes,
And now I've pushed you all away,
I'm really sorry,
Can you please forgive me?
Of course we can forgive you,
[chuckles softly] I'm sorry too,
I mean, we've all acted a little crazy
at some point or another,
-[chuckles] Right, -Yeah,
Yeah, [chuckles nervously]
We heard about Debby,
And we all unfriended that bitch,
-Yes, -Oh yeah,
My girls,
Ladies, ,
I need your help with something,
-Hmm, -But first, ,
- , let's get fucked up, -[dramatic music]
[laughing and screaming]
-Cheers, -I missed you bitches so much,
-Come on, -This is just what you need
to get your mind off things, You'll see,
The bumping music, the sexy bodies, the libations,
-It's my element, -I thought your element
was more the, uh, tomato sauce and cheese vibe,
-[chuckle] I am a man of many tastes, -[Marco] Hmm,
[mischievous music]
Marco, when you walk through that curtain, ,
your life will effectively change,
-All of your dreams are about to come true, -[inspirational chime]
[mischievous music]
Damn, didn't work, I'm still here,
[scoffs] Cute, Come on,
Guys, nobody's here,
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, No, no, no, no,
This is not one of your online dating scheme disasters,
-I, , I can't be put through that again, guys, -No, no, no,
-No, I'm not, , I don't wanna do that again, Please! -[cross-talk]
[sighs]
[upbeat music]
Welcome to Alexis' Lingerie Fashion show,
Marco, will you please, ,
take your seat?
Okay,
-How long did you guys know about this? -[inaudible]
-Mm-hmm, -Huh?
[sighs]
The most important job a friend has, ,
Is helping out his homie,
-Wow, -The first out tonight
is Tina La Cochina,
[Estanley] Whoo!
Oh, Jesus,
[Diva] No need to worry, Marco,
Alexis has invited Tina,
Your bride wants you to know that she knows
that temptation is everywhere,
but she trusts you,
-[chuckling nervously] -Hi, Marco,
-Hi, Tina, -[laughter]
-Oh, whoa, -Miss Tina is wearing
the trashiest thing in her closet,
provided for her by her last conquest
before he dumped her for the nanny,
Fuck you, baby daddy number three,
-[all cheering] -[indistinct] Tina, All right,
-[Bob] Whoo! -[Diva] And here we have Julia,
She chose this piece because it's the lingerie
her soon-to-be ex-husband
provided for the woman with whom he's cheating,
She slashed it with a box cutter,
but she lost so much weight from the affair,
she fits into it now,
Why let it go to waste?
-Hi, Bob, -Looking hot, baby,
-Yeah, [laughs] -Yes!
And we have Estanley,
Oh, Estanley is here to remind us
that all shapes and sizes can be sexy,
Just add a little confidence
and even you can pull this outfit off,
[laughing]
All right, Okay, Enough, Estanley,
-Enough, -Yeah, Go, Estanley, [giggling]
[gasps]
[in James' voice] Are you a dirty boy, Estanley?
-[giggling] -Yes, I am,
-Do you, , -She completes me,
-[laughs] -Are you c, ,
[both laugh]
Bob, that's the one, ,
-Yeah, [laughs] -The one, , Oh, Jesus,
Here we have Miss Beach,
who is a school teacher by day
-and a naughty girl by night, -Yes,
-[whiplash] -Oh,
I teach the hardest lessons after school,
I bet you do, Barbie, I bet you do, [chuckles]
I got a hard lesson for you,
Next we have Natalie and Tracey,
Remember, Marco, you can look, but you can't touch,
You should only be dipping your biscotti into Alexis's coffee,
-[Marco] Oh, my biscotti, -[Bob laughing] Yeah,
-[Marco] Oh, hello, -Hi,
-[Tracey] Hi, Marco, -[Marco] Oh, hi, how are you?
-[Tracey] Ooh, Biscotti, -[Marco] Tracey,
-Oh, -Okay,
[all laughing]
And now the moment you've all been waiting for,
I present to you
Mrs, Alexis Laguna,
[soft music]
Baby
[chuckling] Baby, baby, baby,
[romantic music playing on speaker]
-[moaning] I've missed you so much, -[sighs]
I missed you, too, I missed you, too,
Oh, my God,
[paddles clatter]
Who gave those to you?
Who gave them to you? Bob, did you, ,
Get over here,
[soft romantic music]
-I'm sorry, I acted like an idiot, -You did,
-And I love you for it, -[chuckles]
Baby, divorce brought you to me and me to you,
No matter what shit comes our way,
I wanna work through it with you,
I'm not good at that,
I know,
And sometimes my insecurities get the best of me,
Oh,
I know that too,
I wanted to show you that
-temptation will always be around, -Mm-hmm,
But I've realized that if I want to stay married, ,
it's got to be about our relationship,
I trust you, ,
and you make me happy,
Do I make you happy?
Absolutely,
You're crazy, You know that?
Oh yeah, [laughs]
But I prefer your brand
of crazy over anybody else's,
I choose you,
[soft romantic music continues]
One more thing,
What?
Champagne,
I'm so happy you two are back together,
-Champagne, sir, -Thank you,
And a grape juice for you,
-[both chuckle] -Thank you,
Grape juice, baby?
I won't be drinking for the next seven months,
Why, , Why is, , Why?
[gentle music]
Are you, , D, ,
Are we pregnant?
Oh, my God, baby,
[upbeat Spanish music]
We're having a baby!
[Bob] What?
[Estanley] Oh, my God!
[Marco] Hey, hey!
[lively chattering]
[Estanley] Can you believe this?
This is amazing,
[cheering] Yeah!
[all cheering]
-Hell yeah, -[Estanley] Check them out,
Well, you know, I figure, A, a divorced man
has already gotten all of his cheating out of him
and, B, I don't want kids,
I saw what they did to my mom's vagina,
-Ugh, [giggles] -[exhales shocked] How did you kn, ,
No, I'm not gonna be touching that one,
Yeah, Neither did my dad,
That's why he cheated,
[giggling]
Oh, you like cars, huh?
Yeah, sure,
Do you prefer a straight-six or a V8?
-Oh, I'm kind of allergic to tomato juice, -[laughs]
-All natural here, -What? Bravo,
Wait, Do you want to touch them?
-I would, -Okay,
Okay,
-[laughs] -I think they are real,
-They're very real, -Is the other one real?
No, just, , just the left one
-actually, -Hey,
Let's go somewhere else, This, ,
I, I wanna get a tea bag,
-I'm sure you do, -Hey, you get it?
-Don't, , Don't listen to him, Come on, -A tea bag, bro,
-Come on, -You get it, right?
-Tea bag, -[Julia] Stop,
Tea bag, You guys know what I'm saying,
-Right? -What are you? Two? Come on,
Tea bag, He gets it,
[mouthing] Please let me be called,
I hate being called last like in fucking sports my whole life,
Being the chubby kid in gym class,
the chubby kid at softball,
I hated that,
[music continues]
[cheering and clapping]