Chad!
Doing great, bud,
Almost on time for work,,,
tomorrow!
Do not fucking rush me, Ryan,
Stupid alarm didn't go off last night,
You set it for PM again?
No! This bullshit dollar store charger
crapped out in the middle of the night,
Who's fault is that?
Whoever made the dollar general an officer,
Dude shouldn't even be in a boot camp,
Maybe, you know, just don't buy your phone chargers
from the dollar general,
- Maybe you doing,,, - Yeah? Maybe, Fuck you!
Chad!
Shannon,
You stayed over?
Are you kidding? Yeah,
Did we,,,?
Uh-huh,
Was I conscience?
-Conscious, -That's what I said,
I was,
-Oh, -Nice to see you, Shannon!
- Oh, - We're late,
Oh!
Jesus! How much did you have to drink last night?
Not enough, I still hate our fucking job,
You smell like my uncle,
You're uncle's a badass,
Alright, if living in a Winnebago is
a badass, yeah,
Han Solo lived in the Millennium Falcon,
You don't see anybody making fun of him,
Wow!
You know, if that management position doesn't work out,
you should really consider motivational speaking,
I know! You're driving, by the way, I'm out of gas,
Yeah, Shocker,
This is bullshit, We requested the day off two months ago,
If we're late tonight, I'm fucking quitting,
Quitting would be too easy,
We shall revolt like the legendary outlaw Pancho Villa,
Dude, read a book,
Fuck!
Your phone is so old,
Who's Catherine?
Dude, fucking give me that, man! Nosy,
- You trying to kill us? Read that for me,
I'm just glad it's not Jane,
Like, for once,
So, who's Catherine? Do tell,
You know her, She graduated with us,
Wait is this the girl that you banged in the stacks senior year?
I mean, you could call it sex
but, uh, I was definitely not winning any awards
for that performance, If it were a race,
I probably would have had a scholarship somewhere,
"Looking forward to seeing you tonight,"
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Will probably be an early one,
Can't go all night like I used to,
What a fucking loser!
Dude, ten years makes everyone so boring,
I can't remember the last time I had a conversation with someone
that didn't start with "So, what do you do for a living?"
And they start frothing at the mouth
as soon as they get the opportunity
to they try and turn their life's successes
into a dick measuring contest,
You tell them you're a furniture mover?
Fuck no!
I am a furniture extraction engineer,
Thank you very much,
Fucking ridiculous,
You meeting up with anyone tonight?
Trina 'Double-D' Davis,
Trina, Dude, she's smart,
What is she doing talking to you?
Like I said, I'm an engineer,
Ooh, pull in here,
You know, if we were stopping to get gas
we could've just taken your car,
We're not getting gas,
I'm gonna stop in and say hi to your mom,
Thank God,
Yup, Be cool, Be cool,
Fuck it,
Chad?
Shawn,
-What's up, man? -Hey,
what's going on, man? It's good to see you,
Yeah, you too,
What are you doing these days?
You're a mover now?
Yeah, for now,
It's whatever, It's not so bad,
You know, if you're ever interested in coming back,,,
I'm fine,
Thanks,
You know, actually, it's--
They just offered me a manager role,
So I might take it,
We'll see,
Good for you,
Thanks,
Hey, I'll, uh, tell everybody at the station you said "Hey,"
Yeah, do,
-See you around, -See ya!
If we get the biggest move today
I'm gonna lose my goddamn mind,
Calm down! Kurt said he only needed us for a few hours
and then he's gonna cut us loose,
Kurt's perception of time is looser than Kobayashi's asshole,
We've got a better chance to crack the fucking Da Vinci code
than we do getting off a decent hour,
"I never want to see you again,
Take your tiny dick
and stick it down the garbage disposal,
You stupid, selfish piece of shit,"
Selfish?
Do you believe that?
I am so fucking nice,
She might come around,
-You think so? -No,
What's up, homeboys?
-What's up? -What's up?
Oh, look who decided to show up,
Fashionably late,
Yo, guys, that was insane last night,
Chad, dude, that was the biggest piano I have ever seen,
What's left of it,
Uh, alright, See you later, guys,
Ryan,
-Chad, -Morning, Kurt,
You're late, Again,
Are we?
You got off 6 hours ago, You're welcome,
My office, Now!
-Hey, Kurt, Meet me! -Okay, Kurt,
Hey, you know, I heard that,
Sorry-- Thought you said something,
Never mind,
So, here's who you're moving,
Breathe,
-Bullshit, Kurt! -Hey!
It's a bullshit estimate,
Thirty boxes, one bed and a dresser?
We asked what they had and that's what they reported,
It's a 6000 square foot house,
Who the fuck has one bed in a house that big?
-Psychopaths, -It's none of your business how much furniture people have,
My neighbor, Pete Granger, doesn't use furniture,
He stands like a cow while watching TV,
You should see his calves,
What?
Now someone has to pick that up,
I got it,
You know what? They read some reviews
of you two online and they requested you,
I'd take it as a compliment,
Oh, yeah?
Well, next time you get fucked in the ass, Kurt
don't forget to turn around and say, "Thank you" afterwards,
Look,,,
If corporate sees that you get requested,
it's out of my hands, It's corporate,
Anyway, I got this new guy
to help you out if things go sideways,
No! I've seen the guys you hire,
They're all freaks, And the last one smelled like a foot,
Yeah, he, for sure killed someone,
We do background checks now,
Anyway, this guy is different,
He's here for the summer before he starts
a football scholarship in the fall,
He wants to stay in shape by being a mover,
-Dedication, -We can try him out,
All right,
He's in the lobby, Go introduce yourselves,
Actually, Ryan, if you could stick around just for a second,
Now you did it,
Here, take these sleeves with you,
-So, what's up? -So,,,
As you may have heard
corporate is looking to hire a new assistant manager,
Oh, yeah?
Yeah,
Corporate, Lotta contenders,
Pretty, uh, stiff competition,
Uh, they asked if you'd be interested,
Fucking Kurt!
Hey, what's up?
Are you the guy?
What?
Are you new here? Are you the ball player?
Yeah, I, uh, start at OSU this fall,
I'm Kip,
Dude, you're gonna get killed,
You know, I'm flattered
but I think Chad really wanted the position,
Why the fuck did you apply here?
You can't work here if you're on a hunger strike,
Can you even lift your dick to take a piss?
If it's windy out today, I am not gonna catch you,
Corporate's taking me out to lunch today,
Well, technically, everybody goes, but they're treating,
Golden Corral, You ever been?
Yeah,
The food makes me a little sleepy
but best steaks ever,
And it's a buffet,
so they let you take a couple to go,
You know, all I'm saying is: benefits, PTO, a future,
Nobody wants to be a mover forever,
Think about it,
And, uh, let me know by the end of the day,
So what'd he want?
Just, uh, same old stuff,
I can't believe he's pulling this shit,
We're gonna be out all night, Just watch,
And then he acts like he's doing us a favor
giving us some useless, bitch-ass new guy?
You think he's ever even moved furniture before?
I don't know, Why don't we just ask him?
Hey, new guy, you ever move furniture before?
Me? No,
Fucking told you!
Ryan, meet the towel boy,
Flat Stanley, this is Ryan,
Ryan, Nice to meet you,
Kip, Nice to meet you too,
You're playing at OSU in the fall?
Yeah, Yeah,
Jesus, man! You're gonna get killed,
Let's go!
You seeing what's her name tonight?
Who?
Jane? I don't know, Maybe,
I didn't talk to her,
Oh, uh-huh, "Who?"
Idiot,
Can you call the guy? Let him know we're 15 minutes out,
It's a lady, actually,
A what?
Give me the paperwork, I'll call,
-No, -No?
What do you mean, "No"?
You're in a mood,,
I'm not in a fucking mood!
Yeah, I'm calling,
You're a pushover on the phone,
You're-- Just drive! Pay attention,
She's hot,
What kind of a phone is that?
This, here is the Motorola XP900,
This baby has been dropped, slammed, ran over, pissed on,,,
It's even been hit by an aluminum bat about eighty yards,
Eighty five,
It's resilience is second only to the Terminator,
That's crazy!
Where'd you get it?
I've had it since high school,
Still going strong after ten years,
Wow! You're older than I th--
Yeah, Kip?
No, it's just-- you're, you're just older than, than I,,,
-Oh, yeah, Keep going, Go ahead, -No, it's just that--
-You don't look as old as you are, -Oh?
There's a good field ahead where we can bury this guy,
Can you call the lady and let her know we'll be a little late?
Yeah, already dialing,
-I didn't mean that you were-- -Kip!
One more fucking word and I will throw you out of this vehicle
faster than you can say VHS Floppy Disk,
What?
-New guy should call, -Yeah,
You brought this on yourself,
Me? I, I have never done this--
You gotta learn at some point,
You said this was peed on?
Yup,
I don't like this, dude, These houses are pretty fucking big,
We could park our house in these houses,
I know! Calm down,
We're not there yet,
Oh, shit!
This is it,
Wow,
"One fucking bed," my ass!
Oh, she said not to park in the driveway,
-Really? -Fuck that noise!
She said it's fragile cement or something,
Why? Is, is that bad?
A little lesson,
The walking distance between the house and the truck
is the biggest time factor in a move,
And how much fucking shit they have,
Oh,
It's always something,
"Can you park in the street?
Is alright if we add a few items?
Can you help us finish packing?
We have a Precor treadmill, Can you help us take that apart?
Our dressers are full of breakables,
How heavy could a hot tub be?
Did you take our dog crate? You did?
Can you take our dog too?"
Hey, game face,
-Hi, -Hi,
Hello,
How are you doing?
Fine, How are you?
We're doing great, Thank you for asking--
Let's get started,
The living room's over here,
I think that's where the biggest stuff is,
Oh, Hey, we left the door stretcher in the truck, Can you run and grab it?
Door stretcher?
Yeah, we need it, Thanks,
Oh, be real careful with the leg on this table,
You guys broke it the last time,
I've never seen that table in my life,
The last time we used your company
the guys broke it,
-So you called us back, -Excuse me,
May I interject?
What all in this room is going?
Everything,
-Everything? -Everything?
Yes,
We're moving, I told them this over the phone,
Of course you did, What you said--
We've the moving the inventory of all the items that we're supposed to be taking
that was reported to our office,
Now, that number tends to fluctuate slightly
because it's difficult to account
for every little thing that's in your house,
What, what we have on file is 30 boxes and a bed,
And a dresser,
Yeah, And a dresser,
Yeah, that's part of it,
They told me I could add some things if I needed to,
Yeah, "Some,"
Yeah, okay, Let's just,,,
check the next room,
I'll show you the upstairs,
Motherfucking, mother-shit-fucker!
Be careful with these walls, They're vintage,
I couldn't find the door stretcher,
Where'd they get this guy?
Don't worry, We won't tell Kurt,
Oh, this goes, Obviously,
Just a bedroom, Oh, there's
still some packing that needs to be done in there,
You'll need to take care of that first
and this is my oldest son's room,
Oh, it's crazy!
You never realize how much stuff you have,
Oh, Denny!
Hi, mom,
I told you to pick up in here,
I know, I was gonna, I will!
Chop, chop!
And enough with the computer games,
Oh, smells like a good game,
And this is my daughter's room,
Oh, she'll be here soon, So maybe do this one last,
Denny!
Are you packing?
Dude, she has a daughter,
Yeah,
Like mother, like daughter,
Be careful with my bedroom set,
It's Amish,
Oh, shit!
-What's wrong? -What you have here is a TechnoSleepex 6000,
Yeah, They said you could take it apart
and put it back together for me,
Of course they did!
Because we're professionally certified
TechnoSleepex technicians,
Okay, perfect,
We're gonna need a second fucking truck,
It might not be so bad,
Lift that,
Jesus!
So, all this goes,
Bedroom, bedroom,
All the furniture,
Theatre room,
Projector stays,
Oh, and this goes,
Did the treadmill come in like that or in a box?
That was so long ago, I really can't remember,
It's too wide,
-Really? Looks like it'll fit, -Nope!
- It'll probably need to be taken apart,
Forget it, My husband, he can deal with it,
Not so bad, right?
I actually think we can get this,
Just looks like a few bolts,
I think, maybe like a,,,
A socket wrench could get the job done,
What do you think?
Hello?
-Relax, -No,
Dude,
-Bro, -Chill,
I'm fine,
Be nice,
I am fucking nice,
Jesus,
Come with me, Rudy,
Actually, it's Kip,
-Alright, ma'am, -Mm,
Meredith,
Excuse me?
My name is Meredith,
Ma'am?
Makes me sound like an old woman,
Okay,
Do you mind if we go over some paperwork, Meredith?
Mm, sure,
We're gonna need to park in the driveway
to get this done in a reasonable hour,
Mm, I'm really worried about
that big truck cracking my concrete,
I promise it won't,
Mm, I'm just not comfortable with it,
Then you're gonna need more guys
and a second truck,
And even then, still gonna be a stretch
until we get everything done today,
Well, how much is that gonna cost?
A lot,
Twice the hourly rates
plus more because you have approximately
ten times the amount of sh--
stuff than you called into the office,
I don't know if I feel comfortable paying that much,
Look, I can tell you now
or you could face it later when you get the bill,
Or we reschedule,
You get a new estimate, we have you out sometime next week,
Oh, no,
We have to be out by today,
We have an agreement with the buyers,
Wonderful,
Well, then you're gonna need more guys to speed this up,
End of story,
Now, Kip, He is in training
so we aren't gonna charge you for him being here today,
He won't break anything, will he?
No,
But if it's just the two and a half of us
you're gonna be stuck watching us loading your stuff
while you eat your dinner,
I really don't feel comfortable with this,
Ugh, this has got to be the worst estimate
I have ever gotten,
Well, it's a two-way street,
I'm sorry to hear that,
Oh, the patio,
I forgot, There's some stuff outside,
Super,
And we're both really excited
because neither of our folks were really
gonna be able to help out much with college
but we both ended up getting full rides,
She's going to Columbia, which is like a 12 hour drive,
So if we really have to see each other, we can,
Isn't that somethin'?
So, how long have you been doing this?
I don't know, Who's counting? 6 years,
Wow, Have you always wanted to be a mover?
Yeah, you know, my dad was a mover
and his dad was a mover
and just keeping it in the family,
-Really? -No,
One day, my friend, you'll realize
that money's a real thing,
I actually went to OSU for a few years
but I had to bail out,
Really? How come?
My friend's mom got sick,
She was halfway across the country at school
and I was still close to home,
I'd known her for a long time so I offered to take care of her,
That was really nice of you,
Thanks,
Turns out that, uh,,,
playing nurse and school was a little too much,
Too bad you weren't premed,
I was,
Oh, Well, that's, that's fine, I mean--
Just keep packing, new guy,
Your true skill set lies in your silence,
Um, I'm all out of bubble wrap,
What do I do?
I don't care,
Fuck this lady! I don't understand
how people so dumb can make it this far,
Please lower your voice,
Reinforcements are on their way,
Who are they sending out?
I don't know but if it's Justin,
I swear to fucking God,
I'm gonna have an aneurysm,
Justin gets winded carrying pillows,
I'm gonna get started on the masturbator's room,
Have fun,
Don't forget to check for bedbugs,
Wait, I thought only poor people got bedbugs,
There's no politics in the choosing of their victims,
Oh, Gucci,
Don't say that,
Scoot,
I was just getting dressed,
Kip!
This one's all you, big guy,
That's crazy,
Why is there so much shit?
I'm getting anxiety,
-Hey! Hi, -Hey, what's up?
Yeah, can I show you something?
Sure,
So, I don't think I showed you this when you first got here,
Boy, doing this every day,
You probably never have to go to the gym,
Yeah, I mean, it keeps us in pretty good shape,
I can tell,
It's an heirloom,
It's been in the family for years,
It's really heavy
and valuable,
Okay,
How'd they get this thing in here?
Well the last guys broke it trying to get it in,
And we had to spend a fortune to get it fixed,
Okay,
We'll try to be careful,
Oh, thanks so much,
The cat's in here, Let's keep this shut,
Well?
Um, I'll just be in the kitchen,
Okay,
Okay?
Yeah,
Can't, can't wait to,,, Can't wait to see me?
Can't wait to see me, "Ryan, you look so good!"
No, I'm not working out,
Can't wait to see me,
-Woah, -Wow,
Hi,
Uh, we're here to, like, move your stuff,
Okay, Chad!
Yeah?
Awesome,
Meredith, Lance, Spooner,
Guys, vice versa,
-What's up? -Hey,
-Is Kurt here? -No, he's at another job site,
Another fucked up estimate,
Shocker!
Upstairs, Help the new guy,
He's about to have a panic attack,
-Dude, she's hot! -Yeah, no shit,
-She's getting divorced? -I hope so,
-Dude, this place is sick, -Yeah, but try not break shit,
Why the fuck did they hire us then?
-Yo! -What's up?
Oh, Riff-Raff, Welcome to the party,
You, uh, looking at porn on the job, buddy?
No, Maybe,
He can't watch porn on that phone, dipshit,
It's old as fuck!
Son's bedroom, End of the hallway, Go,
Help the new guy, Do something constructive,
-So sensitive, -I know,
Don't look at porn,
Hey, uh, I'm Kip,
Yeah, I'm--
Fucking gross! Dude, there's tissues everywhere!
Are they hard or soft?
Dude you could play dodgeball with these things,
Bro, this mattress is cracking in half,
-Ryan! -Yo!
Yeah?
Trina Davis is with Vito fucking Bambino,
Ew! Why?
Because he's a rich piece of shit
who buys girls drinks until they fuck him,
He's posted a picture with his arms around her
and her eyes are starting to slant,
He's, he's preparing to pounce,
Whoa! She's drunk already? What time is it?
I know that guido fuck,
He is feeding her shots,
pushing her hard to make a terrible decision,
If they, if they leave together,
I may never recover,
Look, the only women who sleep with Vito Bambino
are looking for a warm bed,
Trina went to Yale, She already has a bed,
I am here carrying furniture for a stupid-ass company
making dog-shit wage for a bitchy customer
that's probably not even gonna tip us,
And on top of that, my fucking balls are chafing,
They have been chafing since Tuesday,
We haven't gone off earlier than 11 p,m, all week
at which point, the stores that sell the ball cream
are fucking closed,
Chad!
What?!
We need to get to that reunion fast,
What's up?
I have to go pick up my son from practice,
His father was supposed to go
but he just bailed, Shocker!
So, now I have to go and leave you here,
That's fine, Go,
Well, how long do you think you'll still be here?
At least a couple of hours,
Seriously?
Seriously,
Well, can you at least text me
when you're close to being done so I know?
Sure, how long are you gonna be?
Oh, God! Who knows with this traffic?
Okay, do your thing,
How about you text me on your way back?
-Okay, -Okay,
Why?
To make sure we're still here,
Plus, cell phone reception's a little spotty
when you go out of your neighborhood,
-Really? -Yeah,
Weird,
Denny! I'm leaving!
Okay!
Oh, hold up,
One thing you do before wrapping dressers,
you got to make sure you check the top drawers, alright?
If there's anything fragile, we end up flipping these things
on the side and hear stuff smash,
-Ugh, that's wet, -Yo,
-She's leaving, -Shut up,
Okay, I'm leaving,
Okay, Bye!
- Let's put that truck in the driveway,
I mean, that would speed things up but,,,
Yeah, and?
Dude, if Kurt finds out, It's not gonna look good,
Since when do you give a shit about what our boss thinks?
Unbelievable!
Kip, bubble wrap that dildo,
-Is it fragile? -Nope, gonna be hilarious,
Woah! Nice,
I fuckin' knew it, dude,
Oh, God,
Holy shit, dude!
Dude, I told you, ain't no way
is that lady making ugly children,
Yeah, except for some, That fucker's adopted,
Oh, my God,
I would do so many things
for an over-the-pants hand job,
I can never imagine myself settling down,
But, like, can you just imagine coming home to that every day?
What do you think her voice sounds like?
What? Her voice?
Yeah, is it like high pitched and stupid or is it like
"Francesca"
I don't know who the fuck would ever think of that,
But I guarantee you'd piss yourself the moment she talked to you,
-I would not! -You would too!
Ahem, ahem,
-Hi, -Hi,
-Hey,
- We're here to move your stuff, - Yeah, yeah,
Okay, Um,,,
You mind if I pack some of it up first?
-Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, -No problem,
Thanks,
-Get out, -Yeah,
-Yeah, totally,
Yeah, Um,
-I, uh-- -Yeah, no,
-Mm-mm, Mm-mm, -Yeah, alright,
I told you you'd piss yourself,
Dude, there's money there,
Wow,
Look, I just don't think that Charlie's grandpa
telling him that if he just wants it bad enough,
it's gonna happen
is a great message to be sending our children,
Not to mention, that no one seems to have a problem with a grown-ass man
enslaving a rare breed of humans to grow his candy,
And where'd they all come from?
Those pumpkin faces are all dudes,
Where are the chicks?
Probably at the bottom of the chocolate river
with Augustus Gloop,
Now that's a movie I wanna see,
Guys, there's a hot girl,
-There's a hot girl here, -Where?
And I think she's into me,
Where is she?
She locked herself in her room,
-Lance spooked her, -Hey, come on, man, We both did!
Dude, what are you talking about?
You literally pissed yourself in front of her,
-It was dripping down your wet-- -No, man!
No! That's like, that's like pre-sex juice, man,
-How do you even-- -Hey!
Go work on the master,
We'll be there in a minute, alright?
Dude, she checked me out up and down,
-You get outta of our way! -Maybe for a helmet,
-Yeah, well-- -Dude, you literally
went from 6 to 12 o'clock right in front of her,
-Yeah, well, it's a mistake, -Everything okay?
Yeah, Why?
You've check your phone 9000 goddamn times today,
No, I haven't,
I know what's going on,
What? What?
You're talking to Jane,
Oh, you know nothing Jon Snow,
Look, okay, I'm not-- I haven't been--
-I barely talk to her, -Ha! I knew it!
What?
You lied to me,
That's twice now,
Like, I just asked if she was gonna be there tonight,
Yeah, why?
We were together for six years,
Usually, when you're with someone that long,
it's kinda, you know, normal
to be curious that they're gonna be at the same event as you,
You split three years ago, Put Old Yeller down already,
Old Yeller had rabies! We have medicine for that now,
She's disrespectful,
Every once in a while, you two have a little fling
it's usually in between dicks,
And then she vanishes like Casper
when he sees the fucking Ghostbusters,
Dude, you're the last person
to be giving me any kinda relationship advice,
You think I don't know that?
My mom warned me about people like me,
Sometimes you got to have a pair of balls and ask yourself
if Jane is what you really think you deserve,
Because if she's not, sooner or later,
the right one's gonna come along
and you're gonna be kicking yourself in the ass
for cashing in too early,
And as your friend, let me tell you, man,
She's gonna be something,
Let's get the fuck out of here before Trina Davis blacks out
and makes a horrible decision with somebody that's not me,
-Time is Tequila, -I know!
Yeah,
Yeah, Okay,
No,
Where'd you come from?
Go upstairs, Help the guys,
Yeah,
Yeah, Yeah,
Yes,
Okay,
No, No,
Okay,
Mm-hmm, Yup, Yup,
Okay, bye!
Who was that, Danny?
Um,,,
My mom,
Mm-hmm, What'd she say?
She said that she will be home in a few minutes
and she wanted to know if--
If you've finished packing your lotion?
Oh, that reminds me, Get me the bigger box,
Bullshit! This was not me!
You jerked it,
I hope you don't treat your dick like that,
You always put this shit on me,
-Because it always is you, -No!
Shut up! What happened?
-Lance broke it, -No!
Ah! Fuck that! I'm not taking the blame this time,
Like that time you broke that antique sewing wheel?
-She's gonna be home any minute, -Or that time you broke that kid's spaceship bed,
There's glue in my toolbox, Can you grab it?
Okay, where's your toolbox?
-There's glue in my toolbox, Can you grab it? -Yeah,
Or that time you broke that vase with that dude's ashes,
-Chad, we got to move the truck, -I-- Yeah, yeah,
You keep glue in your toolbox?
Are you kidding? I've used it six times today,
-Oh, hey, -Hey,
-Is everything okay? -Yeah, we're, um, just--
Or that time you dropped the dresser on the Pomeranian,
Dude, I don't give a shit, That was fucking ugly anyway,
Oh, my God!
Did you guys break our heirloom?
We're gonna fix it,
It's been on my dad's side for years,
Actually, you know what?
If it happened to fall of the back
of the truck on the way to the new house
I wouldn't really be that upset,
I'm sorry, We can't just make your furniture disappear,
Um, here at Movers Ultimate,
your possessions are our obsessions,
-Uh-- -Oh, besides that,
Yeah,
-What the hell?! -Mom,,,
It's, it's okay, Don't worry,
I specifically told you not to put the truck in the driveway!
-Ma'am, I can, I can explain, We-- -Lance!
Stop sniffing the glue!
Frankly, I think we're doing the world a favor,
That thing is fugly!
Oh, hi,
Did something break?
No,
Don't worry, Her bark's worse than her bite,
Hey, John,
Hey, Chad,
-How you doing? -Good,
John! Let's go!
Okay,
Who was that?
He used to come by the station,
Are you done yet?
I hope the guys finish upstairs, I'll handle that,
We're loading the last item now,
Just confirm the address and we'll pack it up,
Oh, great,
-Did you get the garage? -Yeah,
What about back garage?
What?
Yeah,
We still have all of this,
Oh, and I changed my mind about the treadmill,
If we could get that
that would be great,
I'll be in the kitchen,
Dude, fuck this shit!
These people are fucking hoarders, bro! I--
Forgot my phone,
You think she heard me?
This is gonna take another couple of hours,
Yeah, here, And then we got to go unload it all,
It might not be so bad,
Who the fuck is this guy?
I'm gonna start taking the treadmill apart,
Wow! Usually you get so angry,
Fuck!
Motherfucker!
Goddamn!
Hey, John,
Hey,
You see that spider on me? That thing was huge!
-What's up? -Nothin',
Are you,,,
Is this your job now?
You're moving out, right?
Your mom said she needed some extra muscle
to get you out of here,
Are you still a firefighter?
Yeah, you know, um,,,
I was doing that for a while, I'm doing this now,
Oh, what happened?
Um,,,
Nothing happened, you know, it's, um,,,
It's just that it fits my schedule better,
Oh, okay,
Mm-hmm,
You, uh,,,
You still part of that fire cadets program?
Yeah,
That's great,
I told my friends about you, in school,
-Oh, -I brought the photo from when the class came to the station,
This girl next to me said that she thinks you're hot,
Did she? Does she have an older sister?
-What? -What?
You know, I should probably get back to this, alright?
Your mom's paying me by the hour, so,,,
,,,got some work to do,
Okay,
Hey, John,
I'm glad you're still doing the cadets, man,
-Thanks, -You're gonna love it,
You alright?
I'm fine!
Gonna go talk to her,
Maybe I'll come,
So, how long have you guys been doing this?
Uh, like, two years,
Like, two years,
Do you like it?
Yeah, dude, It's easy as shit,
Nobody gives a fuck around here,
I got three job interviews tomorrow,
Bullshit, Where?
They're for my career,
Oh, so McDonald's, Wendy's and Taco Bell,
I told you that I'm not going back to fast food!
Holy fucking shit,
Dudes,
Nudes,
Oh, my God,
That's not that lady,
-I'm talking, -I'm fine!
She needs to be put in her place,
She's treating us like fucking Roombas,
-Then I'm mediating,
You can mediate my foot up her--
Dude,
I know, She's cute, right?
-You think she's nice? -Yeah,
-She actually smelled really good, -I'm fucking kidding,
Go talk to her,
She's busy, Besides, I just--
I just wanna get the fuck out of here,
-Okay, -Alright,
Hey!
Did you guys go to the same high school?
Jesus,
What?
Sorry, did we-- Did we go to school together?
Probably not,
Well, why--
Oh,
He thinks you can't talk to girls on your own,
Oh, I can't, Uh, this is actually a really big day for me,
Well, congratulations, You should be so proud,
Thanks, Oh, uh, can you sign a form for me
so I can get my merit badge?
How's everything going?
-Oh, great, Yeah, -Yeah?
Yeah, my mom's killing you, isn't she?
No,
It's okay,
There's nothing like a bunch of complete strangers just
throwing all your personal belongings in an undersized truck,
The fact that no one's actually had a complete meltdown yet
is an indication it's a pretty good day,
Do people actually freak out on you?
Oh, yeah, At least once a week,
Yeah, at this point, I'm practically
an unlicensed street therapist,
Hey, lady!
Excuse me?
Oh, a-- actually, that,,, Speaking of which,
-I should probably get going, -Yeah,
Good luck with that,
I'm Ryan by the way,
Susan,
Susan, alright,
You got too much shit,
The treadmill, it's not happening,
What's the problem?
I left my chainsaw at home,
Hey, everything okay?
I'm not sure,
Chad here, was just telling me I have too much 'stuff,'
I was, Except, I didn't say 'stuff,'
We are contracted to move what you report,
So I hired two more workers,
And here we are still loading,
I cannot be in charge of your crew's efficiency
or lack, thereof,
Fact is,,, is that the trucks are almost full
and we can't safely load the rest of your goods
without promising that we won't break anything,
Else,
Uh, how about we all just go outside together
and we can take a look at it,
Okay?
Okay,
Dude, this chick is smokin',
With a nicer camera, she can probably go pro,
I mean, her boobs are big enough,
I don't know if she could be, you know,
a professional pornographer or anything,
-Porn star, -Yeah,
The pornographer is the artist,
I can use this as my screensaver,
I don't know, man, It looks like she's got a lot of acne going on,
It's a beauty mark! Dipshit!
Well, then she's got a lotta fucking beauty marks,
This box fell,
And we were just picking up the contents,
May I see that?
-Ye-- yeah, -Su-- sure,
Thank you,
Don't worry about this room,
He can figure it out,
Okay, what the fuck was that?
Good enough for me, Let's get the fuck outta here,
So I'll see you over there,
Yeah, we're just finishing strapping down the truck
and probably right behind you,
You're insured,
Hey, numbnuts!
I say we can still make it for the last couple of hours?
I'm gonna murder Kurt,
I'm gonna run him over with this truck
wrap his body in furniture pads
and then dolly him to the nearest landfill,
Man, that's probably the way he'd wanna go,
You don't kill him a different way,
I'm pissed!
It's disrespectful,
This company doesn't even give a shit about us
and we're killing ourselves for it,
I agree,
Maybe we just need better management,
When I'm manager, this shit's gonna change,
Just fucking wait,
I bet the other guys are steaming right now,
-♪ Ladies! ♪ -♪ Are the reason I get out of bed ♪
♪ The day I stop lookin' is the day I'm dead ♪
-Oh, yeah, -♪ I'm not shy, I don't try ♪
♪ I don't have to magnify the size of my,,, ♪
♪ Grades! When I was in school I was a bad kid ♪
♪ If I was a character in Toy Story, I'd be Sid ♪
♪ But my teacher was hot she spoke a lot ♪
♪ And I thought I couldn't stop staring at that damn jugs! ♪
♪ I'm juiced, I'm cuttin' loose like the streets on downtown ♪
♪ I'm a horny goose I've got no game I'm not ashamed ♪
♪ It's all the same when they look at the size of my,,, ♪
♪ Penis! ♪
Yellow brick and brown garage?
Looks like a literal piece of shit,
Dude, there's no way this is it,
Check the GPS again,
This is it,
This place is a dump!
What the fuck did this chick do? Put it all on black?
Are we ready?
Yes, ma'am,
Okay, I'll start by showing you out the back,
Out back,
Dipshit!
Okay,
Kitchen, obviously,
Living room over there,
Couches, chairs and tables on either side,
Here and here,
Oh, my Chaise lounge, here,
Is it gonna fit?
I-I'm just saying, like, if it doesn't fit, we, we, uh,,,
We, we could put it in the garage,
We, we'd put it in--
We put stuff in the garage when it doesn't fit,
We put, put it in the garage,
We keep telling him he's difficult to take places,
Hmm, Yes, I measured,
Master bedroom over here,
Dude, don't!
So, you'll be happy to know that all my bedroom furniture
is staying on the first floor,
What the fuck?
- Oh, my Gosh! Oh, my Gosh! - Yeah,
I hope we move them next,
Oh, yes,
I'm sure they make thicker glass,
I'll show you the other bedrooms,
Bedroom, bedroom,
Bedroom,
What about that big wood thing?
-Ooh, my heirloom, -Yeah,
That goes in the master,
No attic? No basement? No greenhouse? No gashouse?
No Zen garden?
Mm-hmm,
No second garage?
Mm-hmm, Not this time,
Great,
He's just really excited to get started,
So I got the call when we were in a restaurant,
-Really? -I was talking to the guy from OSU
and he told me that I got the scholarship
-and then when I-- -Oh, my gosh,
When I told my parents, they started freaking out,
-Like, in the middle,,, -I can't even imagine,
,,,of this, like, packed restaurant,
They were like, standing up and cheering, It was--
-It was really sweet, -Hey,
-That's amazing! -Really, I cannot wait for next year,
-It's gonna be so fun! -I bet,
Sorry, uh,,,
His sharper must've slipped out,
He does that sometimes,
Oh, actually, uh, Kip was just telling me
he's the first person in his family to go to college,
-Really? -That's so awesome, Kip,
Thanks, Yeah, we're all really excited about it,
Kip! Get your bitch-ass out here!
What did he do?
Nothing, That's just how he talks to people,
So, uh, your room,
Yeah,
Yeah, it's, it's nothing though,
One second, Sorry,
Everything okay?
-Yeah, she's just my,,, -Your girlfriend?
Not, not exactly, Uh,,,
Old girlfriend?
Old wife,
Oh,
Yeah, I know, right?
Uh, I'm divorced,
How hot is that?
She's just, um, I don't know,
Anyway, uh,,,
So where do you typically live?
Oh, my God!
That was my wall!
Great place for a poster?
-I live in Columbus, -Your work out that way?
Not exactly,
Boyfriend?
Internship,
Hopefully, a job one day, soon,
Considering I'm the oldest intern at the office,
You know, there's something to be said about
age and life experience in the workplace,
Oh, yeah? What's that?
Well, just a hunch,
But I bet you do actual work
instead of just swiping through your phone on Snapchat filters,
You're quite the detective,
My missed calling,
Hey, uh, I promise I usually don't do this
but would you maybe wanna go
and get a drink with me some time?
You seem really nice, Um, but,,,
I don't wanna get in the middle of anything,
I-- You wouldn't, I promise, This is nothing,
Would you just run out of battery already?
Thanks, though,
Where do you want this one, big guy?
Uh, there,
Right here? Alright,
That looks heavy,
Yeah, it's pretty heavy,
Probably not for you, though,
Look at those guns, man, Have you been working out?
You got to be driving all the girls at school crazy,
They only do hand stuff,
I bet, Wait, what?
Left, Left,
-Right, -Right,
Definitely right,
-Yeah, -Right, Right,
-Right, -Right,
-Holy shit!
Dude, let me see this,
Dude, this is the hottest girl I've ever seen,
Just give it,
Oh, dude! She's an Instagram model,
-I mean, they're only on here to like, build their brand, -Whatever,
- Oh, yes! - Dude! Holy shit! She likes me,
-No way! Let me see this, -Come on, man, Get your own
Dude, no! Go back, I wanna see her again
She has to be missing like a fuckin' foot or something!
Hey, new guy,
What's ridin' in your pants?
Yeah, looks like you shit yourself,
Fuckin' is Chad always such a dick,
-Yeah, -Sure
Let's get this,
Why?
Uh-uh, Fuck that!
Come one, Are you guys pussies?
Let's get this!
Alright, Just--
Show us what you got, new guy,
This is stupid,
Just get my back on the way down,
Yeah, just,,, Fuck this,
You ready?
Aw, Chad, you're still good with children?
-Does he you know about your court order? -Oh, fuck off!
I heard you finally got the balls to talk to Susan,
Congrats on the chest hair, That's huge,
-Oh, did you? -Yeah,
New guy said you targeted her,
Tried to swipe his worm,
That's fucked!
-Swipe his worm? -Mm-hmm,
Even if it were at all true,
-that analogy is complete-- -Shit!
You got it?
Yeah,
Careful with the top,
I got it,
I'm losing it
You good?
-Wait, wait, wait, Yes, -Oh, it hurts, It hurts,
No kidding, Stop squirming, Jesus!
I gotta-- I gotta play football,
Jesus, there's blood everywhere
What?
Kidding, Your foots' gone,
-What? -Chad,
Alright, alright, alright,
Lift slow, lift slow, lift slow,
Shit,
Kip, you got a compound fracture, man,
What does that mean?
It means we need to get the boss,
Come on,
You're alright,
I gotta play, I got to play football
-in the fall, -I know, You're alright, You're gonna be okay,
-I got to play! -You're gonna be okay,
You're gonna bounce back,
He's not playing anywhere this fall,
-He had a full ride to OSU, -Seriously?
-Yeah, -What's he weigh? 90 pounds?
Wet, maybe,
See ya,
Shit!
Damn!
This is where she's moving?
It's where we're puttin' her stuff,
Hey, is she around?
'Cause she called the office earlier
And I put on her hold until she hung up,
Yeah, Yeah, she's inside,
Shit!
Oh, uh, how's Kip?
Ambulance just left,
Uh, Chad said he looks like
he's not gonna be playing football next year,
Or ever,
That is a shame,
That is the sixth claim against our insurance this month,
Fuck! Corporate is gonna be so pissed,
How's everything else going?
This is bullshit, Kurt,
I want a raise,
Yup, Keep hammering down, guys,
-Shut up, Kurt, -Yeah, shut up, Kurt!
Alright,
Ha-ha,
Hey, um, have you, uh
thought about that position?
No, You--
Dude, we, we've been busy--
Yeah, you know, 'cause I told everyone
you were really interested,
I think it's a really good fit,
You are practically in, bro,
Okay, yeah, Thanks!
Okay, Cool!
Huh?
Yeah, I got to go to the hospital,
Really hope he doesn't sue,
-Hey, man, look,,, -It's cool dude,
Fuck!
I thought you guys didn't have to put things back together?
Uh, we don't,
But, uh, these beds can be kinda tricky
and it looked like your mom had a lot going on,
Yeah,
This whole thing's been,,,
really freakin' her out the past few weeks,
Really?
Couldn't tell,
It's alright,
If you'd like, I can help you, uh,,,
take a look at your bed too,
Professionally, uh,
Um, yeah,
I think I can figure it out,
Thank you, though,
Knock, knock,
Hey, boss!
Wanna get off your ass and give me a hand?
Thanks,
-I got to go, -That really is just how he talks?
Yeah, It's all set,
What's up?
-What's it look like? -You want top or bottom?
Your call, supervisor,
I'm not your supervisor,
Be careful with the mill, There's a split in it, Okay,
boss,
I'm not takin' the job!
Why?
It doesn't feel right,
Don't be a pussy, take the job,
I'm not being a pussy,
I just don't want it,
You do, You just don't have the balls to take it,
I mean-- Incredible!
This seems to be a recurring theme with you these days,
This is so uncomfortable,
No, What's that supposed to mean?
Say it,
Why? You know what I'm talkin' about,
What? You talking about Jane?
Yeah, Jane,
You guys are together and then you're not,
She's got you high on cloud nine and then
she's back down on six other dudes,
Stop talking about her like that!
Listen to you, man,
She's turned you into such a little bitch!
She's not even that hot,
She looks like Kurt's wife,
Is everything okay?
Fuck you, man!
Yeah,
He just needs a minute,
You might want to wait inside,
Hulk!
Can you put Bruce Banner back on the line?
We weren't finished talking,
You know what? You don't even know
the half of it, So, stay the fuck out of it,
Oh, I am sorry, You loved her?
No shit, I did!
No, fuck it, I do, so what?
That makes one of you, man,
Seeing how she treats you, that bitch is bad medicine!
You don't think I know that?
You don't think that I spend everyday
tryin' to forget about her?
But you wouldn't know anything like that
because the only person you ever give a shit about
is yourself,
Or maybe it's just easier for you
to feel sorry for yourself than to move on,
Pump the brakes, alright?
The fire department didn't quit you,
You quit the fire department,
So stop slumping around acting like the world owes you shit,
Unbelievable,
-Fuck you! -Oh,
You have no idea where I had to go,
You don't have a fuckin' clue, And you're over here
bitchin' and whining about a girl,
Some fuckin' girl!
You haven't-- Have you ever had to--
You know what?
You're a crybaby,
-Fuck you, man! -Fuck you,
If I wasn't a professional
I'd beat your ass right now,
How are you a professional anything
when you are a full time bitch?
Just, stay down!
Piece of shit!
We should probably do something,
Yeah,
Fuck you, bitch!
Lick my balls, bitch!
Fuck you!
It's ruined!
I'm calling your manager,
You know what?
Go for it!
Would you like to complain about this?
Tell him it's consolation for us
taking it up the ass all day,
Technically, you're free to phrase that however you'd like,
Hey, look,
I'm sorry about your Hutch,
There's no excuse, I promise I'm gonna do whatever I need to do to
get it fixed,
I shouldn't have given a shit about that
Hutch,
Well, that'd be convenient for me,
My ex-husband, It was his,
I thought if I held on to it,
it'd give him a reason to come after me,
But I left him!
Why would a person even think like that?
Oh, my God,
Look at this place,
How did I even get here?
I have gone so far backwards,
Hey,
-Hey, hey, -Oh, my God,
-Relax, -No, I'm fine,
I'm 28,
I have no clue what it's like to be,,,
-40, -Oh, that's so nice of you!
I'm 41,
Okay, 41,
But, we get a divorce move at least once a week,
So this is not my first rodeo,
I, I mean, last year, I had to move a guy into a storage unit,
What's that?
Storage unit,
You mean like a,,,?
Like, a storage unit,
Cement walls, single bulb with the timer on it,
And, I mean, I helped him plug in his mini-fridge and everything,
Oh, my God!
But, like, the guy unloads to me
about how his, his wife had just
stabbed him in the heart with a knife,
I think he was speaking metaphorically,
I think,
Uh, look, The guy's broke,
Smells like a brewery, yada-- I understand,
It's, it's tough,
'Cause you're such an expert,
No, but,,,
I'm divorced,
Oh,
Yeah, But then, the other month
I helped this, uh, this one couple move in
and I mean, they,,, They were--
They went the ringer
for a long time before they found each other,
And they both told me how they
thought that they just lost everything,
There I was,
I was helping the move in to their dream home together,
Were they young?
Were they-- No!
Focus! Look,,,
The point is, is that it's not over
until you say it is,
The future may seem overcast
but there's always sun on the other side of the cloud,
Oh, that's so,,, stupid!
No, look, It's science, Like,,,
It may not be tomorrow
but one day you're gonna be able to see it,
And after a hurricane
it's so bright that you're gonna need a,,,
You're gonna need sunglasses,
The hurricane being my marriage?
Or this move?
Uh, both,
Look, you have a lot going for you,
more than you give yourself credit for,
Ryan,
-It's Ryan, right? -Yeah, it is,
You guys are doing a good job,
Thanks,
Just, uh, remember that when we give you the bill,
Looks like you're gonna make it tonight,
Good job today, guys,
Hit me with it,
This is when we started,
This is when we finished,
This is the mileage fees,
Wow,
So, that's like the whole day,
Yeah,
Because we were here all day
and night,
You couldn't have worked all that,
Didn't you take any breaks?
Okay, sorry,
-Where do I sign? -Mom!
Yeah,
There's something on my bed,
-What is it? -I don't know,
Looks like bugs,
No!
Bugs?
Dude, don't say it,
Shit!
Damn it!
Denny!
What?
What? My pimples?
Those aren't pimples,
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Please tell me that is not what I think it is,
-Dude! -Bro, that is disgusting,
I'm gonna throw up,
No,
No, no, no!
I can't get bedbugs,
Not in my new home!
Fuck! We're gonna have to decon,
-Where are they? -Even if we only see them on one bed
they could be anywhere,
Everywhere,
I, I can't have my stuff in here,
Well, I can't!
I can't get bedbugs, Not in my new house!
Put it on the curb, I don't care,
Can you put everything in the garage?
Ma'am, you can't guarantee not having bedbugs
once everything's been inside,
But it'll help,
Please,
Help me,
Oh, my God!
I can get everything treated easier
if it's all in the garage,
Please!
Help me,
Oh, this house, it's, it's all I have,
Ma'am,
Don't call me ma'am!
I can't start over like this,
I'm gonna have to charge you for it,
Fine! Just get them out!
Christ!
Yeah, bro, No,
Fuck that shit, Dude, she has fucking bedbugs,
Hey, you don't have to help
but you're gonna have to spray yourselves down anyways,
Yeah, No shit,
I was already gonna after carrying
the son's jizz screen of a fucking mattress,
Dude! She's going through a divorce, man,
Goddamn fucking gross motherfuckers,
That's the last of it,
Wow, Moving isn't cheap,
That's why it's a luxury,
What do I do now?
Call an exterminator,
Congrats on the new house,
Everything's gonna be fine,
Thanks,
I'll be sure to request you when we move out of here,
Please don't,
Oh, my God!
We forgot the cat,
No,
Hey,
I just, I just wanted to say thank you
for helping with my mom,
I know that this whole thing was a huge pain in the ass,
But, I really don't know what we would've done without you guys,
Happy to help,
And I'm sorry about the bedbugs,
Just,,,
Don't,
I don't even feel comfortable standing out here,
I swear I can feel them crawling all over me,
-Whoa! Don't move, -What?
Oh, my God! Get it!
Get it! Get it!
That's not funny,
-Sorry, -Argh!
Well, um,,,
I should probably go find a field
to burn these uniforms in, so uh,,,
It was great meeting you,
Yeah, um,,,
Here's my number,
Just in case, you know,
you figure out your situation,
Thanks,
You wish,
Alright, partner,
Good seeing you,
Take care of your mom, alright?
Good seeing you too,
I'll see you around, buddy,
Later, sport,
Good luck with,,,
,,,life,
Thanks,
You guys head home, I'll decon the trucks,
Good job today,
-Later, -Later,
I'll do it,
You go make the last dance
or whatever the fuck they do at a reunion,
Chad,
What?
Do you remember Jerry Dabernackle?
Who the fuck is Jerry Dabernackle?
We graduated with him,
When he was a skinny freshman,
he decided it was time to step into the weight room,
How do you think he felt after that first day?
Uh, terrible,
Kind of like when Janet Reesely hit you in the nuts
but, probably worse 'cause your balls didn't drop yet,
But he was determined not to be a pussy and kept lifting,
What do you think happened?
If he was persistent,
then his scars recovered and he got stronger,
He could barely walk the next day,
-I believe it, -Yeah, but he was a tough cat,
He kept lifting,
He spent all of high school living in that weight room,
And he got stronger,
I mean, so strong
that he felt like nothing could happen to him,
One day, he's deadlifting,
525, he's 6 foot, 190,
Uh, I mean, the guy is a tank,
Yeah, that's not bad,
Doesn't like spotters, Hates them,
Feels like they're like erasers on the end of a pencil,
They anticipate mistakes,
Oka, that's, that's bad-ass,
Yeah, breaks his back,
-Fuck! -Mm-hmm,
So there he is, Laying in his bed,
One day,,,
he's on top of the world,
The next,,,
he can't put his own socks on,
Can't wipe his butt,
What do you think he does next?
I don't know, What?
Bounces back,
Sucks it up,
Like muscle,,,
all pain leads to bigger gains,
So, he says "Fuck off" to the physical therapist,
Says, "Fuck off" to his family feeding him meals,
Says, "Fuck off" to his best friend
who brought him a birthday case,
Wait,
We never went to school with a Jerry Dabernackle,
Dude,
He got the gains,
But he was never healing,
Dude,
I know you're hurting,
Whatever it was that happened
I know you did your best,
I'm proud of you,
And I am lucky to know you,
And if you ever wanna talk about it
I wanna be your spotter,
Look at me,
Even Han Solo needs Chewbacca,
You, my friend are a rainbow in the dark,
And you're Def Leppard with a little bit of Coldplay,
And that's fine!
-I love you, man, -I love you, man,
It's a great band, by the way,
Mm-hmm, I know, I know,
-It's a great band, -I know,
I fucking knew it,
Look, this manager job
I think you should take it,
If it makes you happy
-It'll make me happy, -I don't want it,
To be honest, I don't think either of us do, It's convenient,
Would you rather have sex forever with Shannon
-starting tomorrow,,, -Mm-mm,
,,,or have sex forever
with the hottest girl of all time,,,
-Mm? -,,,starting ten years from now,
Honestly, I'd probably have a hard time
only sleeping with one person,
Look, your business with Jane,,,
it doesn't matter that her flute's been tuned up by half the orchestra,
Sometimes you got to put Old Yeller down,
And it's not her,
It's Susan from earlier,
She says,,,
"Thanks again," Smiley face emoji,
My man!
Are you kidding me? Come on,
Oh, my God,
-You know what I see when I see us? -What?
Couple of cowboys riding against the wind,
Last time I checked, cowboys don't cry,
Fuck you! I wasn't crying,
I just-- I get so angry, sometimes I bleed tears,
Well, you were bleeding a lot, Should we stop by the hospital?
I can take care of myself, I'm a fucking paramedic,
Oh, excuse me, Dr, Badass,
Well, technically, I'm more bad-ass than a doctor
but, fuck you,
Hey!
What hospital do you think Flat Stanley is in?
Should we go visit him?