رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال
Faithful blog readers, all four of you,
instead of a post whining about my shitty job
or bland suburban life, I'm shaking things up,
I've submitted my entry for Pitchfest,
"What the hell is that?" you ask,
Well, for struggling writers such as myself,
it's a lottery ticket of sorts,
If chosen, you get to pitch your story idea
to three established writers in the literary world,
They then choose a winner who gets published,
I've entered before, but haven't been selected,
This year though, Pitchfest is coming here to Seattle,
so I'm hoping I get special consideration
for being from the area,
You know what they say, 16th time's the charm!
Fuck me with a rusty trombone,
Quick, get vertical! Get vertical!
Hurry up! Hurry up!
I'm teaching Howard a lesson today
on acting like a douche canoe,
Cameron, you broke my computer,
What?
Howard, I just installed the RAM, like you asked,
Then why is everything on my screen sideways?
Oh no,
Oh Howard, your computer's been hit by a virus
on our network,
It's causing all the displays to rotate, see?
It's happening to everyone, you know?
Antivirus vendor is sending us a patch,
We'll have it up in a couple hours,
What?
I have to complete three dozen student evaluations
by the end of the day,
Isn't there anyone else you can contact?
Well, when we brought you the RAM, you said,
"A third grader could do what a helpdesk tech can,"
Maybe you can call one of them?
Sometimes I can't believe you're my manager,
Well, I'm young and I don't care
about money or advancement,
Which actually, according to the state,
makes me the ideal university employee,
Then why am I here?
Well, you're a writer with a family,
You need the benefits,
And you aren't qualified to do much else,
I fucking hate you,
Are we a little bit touchy?
Is this one of your sad blog post days?
Well, just stick to the funny family stuff,
Maybe people would read your blog then,
I keep telling you, it's not meant to be read;
hence, My Anonymous Blog,
You know, I need a little space
for me to mentally masturbate,
Oh, I know,
And I thoroughly appreciate your brain bukake,
Right, Paulie?
Dangit!
Come on! Let's go!
Dangit!
Great,
The mommy brigade's out in full force today,
There's Xander!
I'm gonna go say "hi,"
No, I look gross and I'm just not in the mood
to deal with Xander's mom
and her passive-aggressive comments,
Passing addresses? What's that?
It's where someone says something mean to you,
but they say it in a way that sounds nice,
Does that make sense?
I don't think Xander's mommy would do that,
I'll go check,
Wait!
Shit!
Oh, Buzz! Xander, your friend Buzz is here,
Hi Christy! My mom is in the car and,,,
And, nope!
Mom's here!
Buzz, why don't you and Xander go play
so the mamas can talk?
- But,,, - Go play, now,
Hey! So, what's new?
Me, I've just been cleaning all day,
Is that what's on your shirt?
Oh, no, This is just coffee, see?
Hey, mom, I'll see you in the car,
Uh, we better go,
You know, I was running late
and I totally forgot my driver's license,
Barely made it in time for pick-up,
Wow, I'm so self-conscious about my appearance
that it takes me half an hour just to get ready
for the grocery store,
I love that you don't even feel the need to try,
You have such joie de vivre,
Huh, Yeah,
Mm, joie de vivre,,,
Dangit!
Teddy, really smart people don't have to worry
about looking dumb,
And I think that's gonna be you one day!
Is that passing addresses, mom?
Get in the car,
We still gotta go to the store to get the pies
for the celebration tonight,
More pie! More pie!
Buzz, that's enough sugar,
But it's anniversary pie!
I need to eat more to show how happy I am,
It's fine,
When a marriage lasts 21 years,
I think everybody deserves a second slice,
Tell me more about your wedding,
It was big, right?
And who caught the bouquet?
Oh, this girl from my sorority,
She was kind of a skank,
Skank?
Uh, no, Skunk!
She was smelly,
To 20 wonderful years,
But it's your 21st anniversary?
Well, one year was kind of rough,
Which year was that?
You know, it doesn't matter,
It was a long time ago, and every couple has one bad year,
The important thing is we made it through,
and the three of you guys are our tasty reward,
Tasty?
Yeah,
A good family is like a piece of taffy,
It's sweet, it sticks to you whether you want it to or not,
and the best kind has nuts in it,
True, but taffy with nuts is kinda weird, honey,
So's our family,
Cheers to that,
Mom, can you be sure to wash my gym clothes?
Volleyball tryouts are this week,
I might not be fast, but I've got a mean serve,
I'm sure you'll do great, honey,
Did you get your homework done?
Almost,
I just need dad's help with math,
I've gotta grab him before he goes into his writing cave
for the night,
Well, maybe I can help,
Do you know how to find the y-intercept of a slope?
I do, but it's better if you figure it out for yourself,
Sure, Any other words of wisdom?
Marry someone smarter than you
so your kids stand a chance,
Nice,
I assume grandma gave you the same advice?
No, dad! Please, no!
Everything all right in here?
Daddy's gonna shock me if I wet my bed again!
That's not what I said,
I was just telling Buzz about these electric blankets
that might help him,
When they get wet, they give you a tiny little shock
so you can wake up and go to the bathroom,
But I don't want a shock!
It's just a tiny zap,
It's not like a taser gun or anything,
Frank, no,
Don't taze me, bro!
I won't wet my bed again,
Promise!
All right, but you need dry sheets
if you wanna turn seven,
Then I get a big party, right?
Maybe we'll even have a volcano fountain,
Yay!
You two almost done in here?
Yeah, Buzz just has to clean the ol' twig and berries,
And I will leave you to that,
You almost done, bud?
Maybe a half hour more?
Man, MIT better appreciate
the work you're doing to get in,
Don't jinx me, dad,
Didn't you have to torture yourself
to get into Stanford too?
Little bit,
All right, finish up and then straight to bed,
You got it,
- Hey, - Hey,
Did you get some good writing done?
I dunno, but my brain was feeling like mush,
so I figured, time for bed,
Unless you wanna,,,
You know, it is our anniversary,
Yeah, Sure,
Are the kids asleep?
Everybody except Teddy,
Well, then we can't,
He'll hear us,
What if we do it standing?
I dunno, It's kinda cold,
Can I leave my pajamas on?
How would that even,,,
You know what, I'll just take care of things
in the shower tomorrow,
Wait, What?
I mean, I knew you did that
when I was pregnant with the kids, but you still,,?
Make fist-kebabs?
You bet,
Gross, I'll be using one of the other bathrooms,
Well, don't use Teddy's,
A teen boy could seal the Grand Canyon
with the amount of spackle they put out,
- What? - Ick, Just get over here
so we can look at our Facebook page,
I posted one of our old wedding photos to our account,
You looked gorgeous,
Still do,
How come it looks like I'm the one who had three kids?
Look at all these comments,
Hold on, you passed the end,
Sorry, just let me,,,
Wait,
What?
Fuck!
What? What is it?
Who's Molly Young?
A former classmate of mine,
Check out the article link,
It says she's getting a book published,
Ooh, nice advance too,
Good for her?
What? Was she a bitch or something?
No,
She was just like a majority of my classmates
who thought serious novelists
should write about depressing people
in messed-up situations,
And since I like to write about happy people
who aren't dicks, well, let's just say I didn't click
with her or a lot of my classmates,
I know I'm just being jealous,
but, shit, I thought it was my turn
to have something good happen,
Look at me here,
This guy, when we got married, he was talking with agents,
winning short story awards,
He thought life had all these possibilities,
and then one bad year sidetracked things,
He never pictured himself as some fat loser
working a shitty job living a sh,,,
Living a shitty life?
No, no, no, no,
That's not what I was gonna say,
I had different expectations, you know?
And I just never imagined my life being normal,
And normal is bad?
Normal's fine, but it was just kinda more your dream,
Honey, my dream was to have a husband
that was available to share my life with,
And look at all you've got now,
I mean, great house, amazing kids,
and a wife that is still madly in love with you
after all these years,
Look, I know it's gonna happen with your writing,
It wasn't the right time back then, but now?
I mean, you've entered Pitchfest,
and the fact that it's happening here
just proves your time is coming,
It's destiny,
Yeah, Maybe,
Look, think positive,
Maybe you should even start exercising?
Lose a few pounds before you pitch?
Well, okay, if I get to pitch,
And are you getting tired of looking at my fat ass?
No, never, You know that's not what I mean,
But it could be good for you,
And maybe we can make it fun, like, have a prize?
What do you have in mind?
I don't know,
Maybe I could dress in something hot and we could
have-a the sexy time?
Okay, I like what you're thinking,
Ooh, Right now?
But for the record,
this doesn't count as more sexy,
What? I thought you liked that one!
Honey, you are so sweet,
and I think you're hot in anything you wear,
but your bedroom instincts are a little PG-13,
Now, I don't need anything hardcore, okay?
I'm thinking something special, like shower sex?
Ick,
I feel like I'm being water-boarded every time we try that,
Okay, how about some oral attention?
Blowies on demand?
You know - one for every pound I drop,
No, Absolutely not,
Look, I might consider one for every five pounds,
If I got to our wedding weight, I'd get about 10,
Ha! No way you can do that,
What?
I could if I wanted,
Bullshit!
If you lost that much weight, I'd,,,
I'd let you put your dick in my ass!
You can't make jokes like that, okay?
That's just mean and cruel and I know that you'd never,,,
Maybe,
Maybe you don't know me as well as you think,
How many pounds to get to 185?
About 50,
- Yeah, right, - All right,
- Wait, - What?
What's the deadline?
Why do we need one?
You said I'd never lose that much,
Well, yeah, but what if you go and get cancer?
I mean, you could easily lose 50 pounds from chemo,
That wouldn't be fair,
Wait, are you saying that if I got cancer,
you wouldn't do anal with me?
What do you think?
Look, I mean, if you really want this,
you could lose it all in a few weeks,
Yeah, I could also chop a leg off too,
but I'd like to lose the weight safely,
10 weeks, That's five pounds a week,
Let's make it an even three months, Deal?
Yeah!
That's it! No backing out!
It's a deal!
Oh, I won't back out,
Just like you won't get to 185,
Night, honey,
You know, our 20th anniversary may have been platinum,
but the 21st is looking all brown,
Oh Buzzy-buzz?
Time to get up, kiddo,
Hey, I enjoyed our talk last night,
It's been awhile since I woke up
feeling this enthusiastic about something,
Really?
Oh, tell me more while I make the kids' lunches,
Well, I dunno,
It just feels good to have a goal
that I have some control over,
I think I needed something to shake up my world,
and this has definitely done that,
I'm glad, but don't tell anybody
about our little bet,
Yeah, I wasn't gonna advertise it,
but can I tell Cam?
I assume you're telling Meg and Jen,
Oh! I better grab my Fitbit,
Hey Buzz, what're you up to?
I was just exercising,
Okay, cool,
Well, let's work out when I get home, okay?
Get ready for school now,
Hey, our student worker's here!
Paulie, you are free to binge Season Three
of "Gilmore Girls,"
Some days I really regret being a sociology major,
Nikki, just enjoy college, okay?
You can regret your choice of major in about 10 years
when you're wondering why you're still working here,
Right, Cam?
Cam?
Frank,
Ooh! You're my hero,
You're going to the final frontier,
Your mission is to explore new holes,
to seek out new sensations, to boldly go
where no husband has gone before,
You read my blog, did ya?
It was a blog, Frank,
Now it's a fucking manual for married men,
Frank here has convinced his wife
to let him take the vein train to A-town,
Dude!
You put that on the internet?
I did not use those words, and it's on my secret blog,
You can read it,
Paul, send her a link,
Don't do that, Paul,
Meg, you remember how you said we never try new things?
Well, wait until you hear about the freaky shit
Frank and Laura are into,
Call me,
What?
If Meg knows that Laura's willing,
maybe she'll dance the chocolate cha-cha with me,
You want that, try proposing to her,
No, no! No, thanks,
Why buy the cow if you can punch the starfish for free?
Cameron!
What?
Nice,
I can only imagine what Meg would say
if she heard you talking like that,
You're gonna let Frank play poo darts with your ass?
I have no idea what that means,
but that is definitely not gonna happen, Meg,
So true,
There's no way the timid titmouse
lets Frank take a trip to Browntown,
Shut up, Jen,
Titmouse?
'cause she's tiny and quiet like a mouse, but with boobs?
No,
A titmouse is a small bird that makes a lot of noise,
As kids, we went to an exhibit at the zoo,
Laura got so embarrassed she couldn't even say the name
and turned bright red,
Dad thought it was hilarious
and he's been calling her his timid titmouse ever since,
That's sweet,
It's not sweet!
I mean, maybe I don't wanna be known
as the titmouse anymore,
Maybe I'm ready to get a little nuts,
Oh, you'll be getting some nuts, all right,
Laura, you know we love you,
but when it comes to things like the mommy brigade
or going outside your comfort zone,
you're still the timid titmouse,
Why would you even make a bet like this?
Frank, he started talking about that old classmate of his,
you know, the writer?
And then that got us talking about our past,
and I don't know,
He felt crappy, I felt guilty
and the bet seemed to perk him up a little bit,
Those crappy times happened so long ago,
It's hard to believe they still bug you now,
I mean, most of the time it doesn't,
but it's like a scab, you know?
You know you shouldn't pick at it,
but you see it and it's all yellow and crusty,
- Laura! - And you just kinda start
picking at the pieces and before-
- As your sister and lawyer, you've negotiated a poor deal,
You've drastically underestimated your prize's allure,
Our asses are an aphrodisiac,
Oh, an ass-phrodisiac!
Exactly,
50 pounds is nothing to a guy
who wants to what-what in the butt,
Hasn't Frank ever tried to go there before?
Yeah, of course,
Only every time he thinks I've had too much to drink,
Cam's the same way,
I'm always having to shut that boy down,
Me too, but you know, pinky tip,
Every girl knows the pinky tip,
Hell, even Cam knows the pinky tip,
You ever had the thumb?
Thumb?
It's known as the bowler's hold?
Jen's right about one thing,
This is every guy's fantasy,
Well, that and two girls,
I mean, look, the most weight Frank's ever lost
is 15 pounds and that took two months,
There's just no way he's gonna lose 50 in three,
Well, I think we probably should look at it
and see how he's doing in a month,
But if he's looking good, you may wanna prepare
to have your booty plundered,
Aaargh,
I don't wanna be plundered,
Blog people!
I'm not quite sure how the word got out,
but suddenly my blog's viewership numbers have increased,
Fantastic and welcome!
Dangit!
I know blogging's kind of old-school,
but I refuse to post pictures of my meals or tweet,
Besides, writing's what I know,
Now, I usually post about my family
or about the struggles of being a writer,
But I assume you wanna hear about the bet,
It's fine,
I'm happy to report the diet's going well,
Now, my wife's tried to throw a few curve balls my way,
but my will is steel,
Uh, steel and rice cakes,
Hey sweetie! How'd volleyball tryouts go?
She suddenly reminds me of your mother,
Since you don't know my identity,
I think it's important to say something about the bet,
My interest in the prize is not about male dominance
or some masochistic fetish,
You see, my wife and I met at a young age,
so our sexual repertoire is limited
to what we've learned together,
Which, honestly, is pretty wonderful,
That said, my wife's "brown button" has always been treated
like a demilitarized zone,
We explore the area, but there's a definite border
we don't pass,
If I lose this weight though,
I'm looking forward to playing Lewis & Clark with her
as we map out the area,
Dear Lord! How stretchy does an asshole get?
Well, you've seen goatse,
No shit?
And then he said it was like,,,
but it was this,
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Sorry, Frank,
Time for shopping, food and fun,
We'll bring your wife back after dinner,
I got news though!
Guess who's got two thumbs
and is now entered into Pitchfest?
Oh, that's awesome, honey!
See, I told you your time would come,
Yeah, I just gotta flesh out my pitch,
prepare a full writing sample,
It's gonna take a little time,
Well, I'm getting out of your hair,
so you're gonna have the whole day,
Nice,
Ooh, but Teddy needs you to proofread his progress report,
I can do that, Okay,
And Buzz!
Can you help him with his science fair project?
Maybe have him do something
other than a baking soda volcano this year,
He does like volcanoes,
I can,,,
Yeah,
And can you please check our room for mold?
There is this funky smell in there that's driving me crazy!
I don't know,
Maybe you need to regrout the shower or something?
I can check, but,,,
- Thanks! - Okay,
And Annie is at Noreen's house,
Don't forget to pick her up at four, okay?
Good luck with the writing,
Yeah!
Yeah, okay,
So where exactly are we going?
You'll see,,,
So that's exciting about Frank,
Yeah, maybe you'll get lucky and he'll be so busy writing,
he won't have time to exercise,
That'd be nice,
Frank's already halfway to his goal
and honestly, I am freaking out,
I literally have no idea what I'm gonna do if he makes it,
I do,
And I recommend an enema one day prior,
Ugh!
Frank's lucky if I even brush my teeth before we have sex,
I think you need to calm down,
This doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing,
As a matter of fact, it can be pretty pleasurable
if you're prepared for it,
That's why we're going on this little field trip,
my sweet titmouse,
Oh, and it's right up here,
Hey, Meg,
What're you drinking back there?
Chardonnay, I filled it before we left,
Pass that on up!
Did you bring that sippy in?
So what are we looking for?
Something to help Laura loosen up back there,
I do not like the sound of that,
Excuse me, where are your Ben Wa balls?
Uh, balls?
Anal beads,
As opposed to jamming a huge rod up your backside,
you slowly pop one in at a time
until you get used to the sensation,
Ah, Here we go,
Anything smaller than that?
Honey, anything smaller is not gonna get the job done,
What job is she talking about?
I have no idea, but I'm sure she's better at it
than I'll ever be,
Here, This'll help,
How, what, where?
It's your hands-free friend!
You hop in the shower, stick this guy on the wall,
and back up onto it,
Beep!
You know way too much about this stuff,
It's called being single and 40,
Oh!
You're definitely gonna want this as well,
It's the best water-based lube on the market,
Jesus! It's Costco-sized,
And a hand-pump?
In case you have friends over!
Should I even ask?
You need this,
It will help you let go of your frustrations
and embrace your wilder impulses,
You'll go from titmouse to tiger,
It's portable pleasure, and the USB connector
makes it easy to charge,
When I'm having a crappy day at work, I'll sit at my desk,
plug this into the computer and kick back,
Ooh, so when you connect to the internet,
you like, really connect,
It's great in the car too,
This little bad boy makes Seattle traffic bearable,
Isn't that illegal or something?
While I can confirm that cell phone usage in the car
is illegal, hands-free devices are well within the law,
Okay, I think we've got enough stuff,
Can we go now?
Not yet,
If you're really gonna go through with this,
you need to dress for it,
Nightie-type stuff from this store?
Yeah, I don't think so,
Hey, the more excited you can get Frank,
the quicker the whole experience will be,
Whoo!
All right, let's see what they've got,
Hey, honey!
Where is everyone?
Buzz is asleep, dad's in the bedroom,
and Teddy's out having coffee
with a cheerleader from school,
Really?
Yeah, right,
He's downstairs on his computer,
Of course,
You know, speaking of hot dates,
the PTA sent out their newsletter,
Spring formal next month,
Yeah? You ready to go shopping?
Yeah?
Okay, Sure,
Yeah! Awesome!
Ew,
That smell is still here,
Did you check for mold like I asked?
There's no mold, and the smell's not that bad,
Just buy a few candles,
Way ahead of you!
Ta-dah!
One lovely cucumber-scented candle,
Awesome, 'cause there's nothing sexier
than the smell of salad,
How did the writing go?
Between helping the kids with homework, feeding them,
and driving them around, I may have gotten 30 minutes
of writing in,
Kids, hmph, We should get rid of them,
It's not just that,
I'm just realizing the stuff I submitted is shit,
Well, I mean, honey, it can't be that bad,
They did pick you for the contest,
It was good enough to get me in,
but I'm not gonna win with this,
My characters need a complete overhaul,
I mean, I'm still making the same mistakes
Molly and my fellow classmates would harass me for,
I'm writing nice-guy fiction,
And I still like nice guys,
I've gotta go darker,
It's like, my main character should have
some kind of addiction,
And the woman he's with,
maybe she went through some kind of trauma?
Gee, fun,
And maybe they can have a blind three-legged dog too,
I don't know,
Maybe I'll take next week off so I can focus on it,
Wait, What?
Don't you need your vacation days for Crater Lake?
I think this is a little bit more important
than a trip to Oregon,
Frank, honey, that is our family vacation,
I don't think you should give up that time
for some long shot possibility,
Long shot,
Nice,
I knew you didn't think I had a chance of winning,
No! You!
You were the one that said winning Pitchfest
was a long shot,
I just don't think it's smart
to give up family time to write,
Family time?
My whole life is family time, okay?
I eat, breathe and shit family time!
I get a little spare time at work to write
and maybe I get half hour in the evening's here
if I'm not exhausted,
but if writing's supposed to be my spare time activity,
I should just give up now,
Do you wanna go back to the way things were?
When writing was your main focus
and I was your spare time activity?
I know you still think about those times,
Why does your mind even go there?
Look, my life was on a certain path, okay?
And then, all of a sudden, it was forced onto another path,
Oh, so I forced you?
I don't mean forced,
I mean, I had to make a choice,
No, no, no, you said forced,
You think I forced you,
And now, everything after that is my fault,
You blame me,
No wonder you guilted me into this weird bet,
Guilted you?
The bet was your idea,
You're just freaking out because you might have to do
something that doesn't fit
into your narrow definition of normal,
which includes everything from role-playing
"Game of Thrones" in the bedroom
to people who call writing an actual career,
And there's the blame again,
It's not about blame, okay?
It's about choices, and I had to make one,
It was either a potential career in writing,
or an actual family with you that would bring me
so much joy and happiness,
it would leak out my freaking ass!
Daddy said the A-word,
Sorry, Buzzy, You're right,
I should've said I have a lot of happiness
coming outta my heinie,
What are you doing up?
You and mommy were being loud,
I'm sorry about that, bud,
We'll try and be quieter, okay?
Why don't you hop back in bed and I'll tuck you in?
Go on,
I'm sorry,
I'm just stressed,
And you're right, I'm not gonna use my vacation time,
I'll save it for the summer,
Okay, Thanks, honey,
And I promise I'm gonna try and give you
as much spare time as you need, okay?
Okay,
We're good, right?
Yeah, of course,
You, me, and the kids,
Buzz stopped wetting his bed and I got into Pitchfest,
and none of us own selfie sticks,
It's like I said, we're taffy,
Nuts and all,
And then he gave me a hard time about my view of normal,
I mean, why is normal so bad?
I like cooking and watching network television,
and taking care of my family,
Maybe I get anxious outside my comfort zone,
but it's dangerous out there!
Oh God, why did I make this bet?
Relax, It's gonna be fine,
Also, there are a lot of good things
outside of your comfort zone, like water slides
and edible body paints and Groupons
for pole dancing classes,
You never know what you're missing until you try it,
As a matter of fact, why don't you look
inside your glove compartment,
I thought I put this back on the shelf?
Yeah, Meg and I corrected that mistake,
But I'm at Buzz's school,
You have five minutes until he's out,
Why don't you take this opportunity
to get out of your comfort zone,
and get into a really comfy zone,
Ta-ta, my sweet titmouse!
Okay,
Carpe-freakin-diem!
Oh, Oh!
Oh, okay,
This is so,,,
Ooh!
Yes,
I'll just,,,
Hey, sleepy head! Did I wake you?
Uh, no!
You're so lucky you have time to nap,
Me, between work and volunteering,,,
Christy, was there something that you neeeed?
Oh, we just wanted to talk about the bake sale!
This might not be the best time,
It'll just take one second,
I'm going around to all parents to,,,
Is that a fly in the car?
I hear,,,
My phone!
My phone is on vibrate,
Looks like the kids are loose!
Anyhow, I just wanted to remind you,,,
Mommy! Mommy! Mrs, Burke called on me,,,
Ow!
Aren't you gonna help him?
I, uhhh,,,
Frank! Frank wanted to, um,,,
The kids to, uh, first aid themselves,,?
You'll be fine, Buzzy!
Brush it off and get in the car!
I'm bleeding!
Well, you may have promised Frank, but we didn't,
It feels like I'm dying, mom,
Thank you so much,
Frank wanted, uh, it's Frank's fault!
Oh, you know what? That is him now,
I am gonna give him an earful,
'Kay, Bye!
I thought her phone was on vibrate,
Hey, you two!
I got home from work early today and, oh my goodness!
Rocket Pop!
Yeah,
Okay,
Don't ask,
If Child Protective Services calls, I'm not here,
Okay,
Hey, blog readers!
I am happy to report that there are now over 500 of you
subscribed to this blog's feed,
Thank you,
You've been a bright spot in an otherwise challenging time,
Between the diet, working on the pitch and life in general,
things haven't been too fun,
- She was shaking like,,, - You heard buzzing?
It all reminds me of this time I met a Hollywood producer
just after college,
Because I was recently married,
we talked a bit about our spouses; he was on his third,
He threw his arm around me and told me
I could have a great career or a great family, but not both,
And that I had to make peace with that,
Back then, I thought he was full of shit,
Now?
I think about it, and what he said makes my stomach hurt,
No, Mankind is counting on you,
No! You'll thank me later!
What the fuck!
Thank you,
Come on!
Oh, God!
It seems like a choice between family and career
is obvious, and it is, but well,
just because it's obvious doesn't mean it's easy,
They say that no one on their deathbed ever wishes
for one more day of work over family,
But what if that person was only a day away
from creating a masterpiece that would last forever?
I mean, how many of you
can name something Shakespeare wrote?
Okay, now tell me the name of one of his kids,
Yeah, I know,
It's a dick thing to say, but you've gotta admit,
the point's still valid,
Okay guys, Pitchfest is tomorrow,
I need your help,
Oh, so you figured out your dark and troubling character?
Yes!
It's this guy who's had a rough childhood,
It's like "Citizen Kane," except the sled's a hedgehog,
And I threw a dash of Old Yeller in there
just for good measure,
I don't know if that's as much dark as it is sad,
No, it's dark,
It's dark,
I've gotta work on my writing sample today,
so you guys cover for me and I'll make it up to you later,
What's going on, guys?
For the record, this is all Cam's doing,
What? It's just the Reddit front page,
Look at the number one thread,
Cameron, prepare to die,
Wait, wait, wait!
Lemme explain!
Meg and I were talking about the bet, all right?
And she didn't think that most guys would be willing
to starve themselves for the prize that you're getting,
So I was curious, and I made a post about your blog,
The thread's blown up since then!
Look, it's 42,000 views!
42,000?
Yeah! Surprised the crap outta me too,
Maybe you'll be a meme,
Yeah, I don't think Laura'd be too happy about that,
You didn't post this using my real name, did you?
Just your first name,
Are you freaking high?
Calm down,
I doubt Laura and the girls even know what Reddit is,
Hell, if they Googled "Frank butt sex"
they'd just be one of 1,000 results,
3,780,000 results, actually,
Paul, you should probably clear your browser history later,
Frank, all you've ever wanted
was for people to read your stuff, and now they are!
Tons of them have left questions for you too,
Come on, take a few minutes,
Your adoring fans await!
Yeah, you know what?
I've gotta work on my pitch,
You did this, You answer their questions,
Seriously?
Go for it,
I don't think that word's right,
That's definitely a guy thing,
What?
That wouldn't make any sense,
Frank, when you take your love rocket
and you put it in her shuttle bay, that's docking, right?
Scoot over,
Oh, that makes much more sense,
Okay, what about the next one?
Why is this so hard?
Molly fucking Young!
Fuck!
Goddammit!
Watch it!
The Mighty, Mighty Starbrite's on
and she's gonna fight the Taco King
and we find out who her mom is!
Come on, Annie!
Okay,
Are you okay, dad?
What did you do?
I kicked a chair,
Smart,
What the hell happened here?
That smell! It's driving me nuts,
I'm sure it's mold, Will you help me search?
Are you kidding?
I don't have time for this!
I've gotta pitch tomorrow and,,,
Goddangit!
What happened?
I tripped,
Hurts like hell,
Maybe we should get a mold specialist to come out,
I'm not paying for some guy to tear apart our house
'cause there's a barely noticeable smell,
That smell has gotten worse over the last few weeks,
What if we have spores?
Our family could be infected!
I am making us all doctor's appointments for next week too,
Would you just fucking stop?
God!
Look, I just found out that Molly
is gonna be a judge at Pitchfest,
So I don't have time to humor your little delusions,
There's no fungus, there's no spores,
Mushrooms could be growing out of our kids' asses
and it would still need to wait
till I figure out how to fix my pitch
so Molly might like it!
Move,
I'm making the bed,
You go do whatever it is that you need to do,
Look, just let me help you,
- No, I don't want your help, - Come on,
Just leave,
Oh God!
Are you okay?
Yeah, great,
Just take,,,
What the,,?
There's piss on these!
I told you I smelled something!
That little weasel's been lying to us!
Well, with all the pressure you've been putting on him,
of course he has,
He's only six,
I don't care!
Buzz lied, He knew the deal,
No birthday!
What? Frank, wait, we need to talk about this first,
Frank!
- Buzz! Buzz! - Frank, will you slow down?
We need to talk about this,
Will you stop?
Jeez! God, you're insane, you know that?
You've got this big fear of how everybody sees you,
so you just want everything to look normal,
But in doing that, you just bounce back and forth
between boring and psycho!
Well, at least I don't spend my days
making everybody else miserable!
God! You are so blind, Frank!
You can't even see how amazing your own family is
right in front of your face,
I thought writers were supposed to be observant,
That must make you a real shitty one,
Cameron, dude, I'm coming over,
I'm sore, hungry, and pissed,
so you better have some alcohol ready,
Oh yeah, and tell Meg to hide in the bedroom,
'cause I'm gonna vent about Laura and I'm not holding back,
Shit, No, she's calling on the other line,
No, I'm not gonna answer,
Look, I'm gonna go radio silent,
Yeah, great, I'll see you in a few,
Nice place you got here, Cam,
Very Norman Bates,
That's Master Bates to you, sir,
That's diet grape soda and vodka,
I'm not letting you ruin your diet
just 'cause you're in a mood,
Like the bet's still on after everything that's happened,
Dude, no! It has to happen,
Beg for forgiveness!
Me? After what she said?
Come on, it doesn't matter who's at fault, you know that,
Women say crazy shit all the time,
We just apologize
and then we bang out our frustrations later,
It's part of our genetical code,
You know, I am often glad you've never reproduced,
Aw, thanks buddy!
I don't even know if I'm more pissed
about being called a shitty husband or a shitty writer,
Is that sad?
Yes,
Now say you're sorry so I can visit Uranus
vicariously through you,
Hello?
Yeah, yeah, he's here,
Nikki's looking for you,
Hey, Nikki,
Sorry, I left my phone in the car,
What's up?
Okay, so, don't freak out,
but it seems that a few clickbait sites
found your Reddit thread and have posted
parts of it to their sites,
And, unfortunately, some of my friends found that online
and started posting to their Facebooks,
tagging me and mentioning
how I worked with that butt sex guy,
This is gonna get bad, isn't it?
They also figured out that we're friends on Facebook
and started tagging you in their posts too,
Please tell me you're joking,
Frank, you and Laura are kinda all over the internet,
Do you know if Laura's seen it?
I don't know, but Jen has,
Then Laura has too,
Crap,
Gotta go,
That was my fault,
Oh, was it, Cam?
Big fucking idiot, I swear to God,
Well, you know what?
What?
I love you too,
Oh, I love you,
Laura?
Laura, are you upstairs?
Laura?
Laura, are you,,,
Okay, so, I know you're angry and I know you wanna scream,
but for the sake of our sleeping children,
maybe you can be mad at me at a moderate volume?
Okay, good,
So are you angrier about the blog or the Reddit thread?
I'll start with the blog,
It just started as a writing exercise,
I honestly didn't think anybody was gonna read it,
I mean, we're kinda boring,
Not you! Me!
I'm boring! I'm a writer,
- Who wants to read about a,,, - Just stop,
You know, if we just,,,
But I was thinking,,,
You know what?
I give up,
You win,
Here, let me help you,
You know, I try and I try
to make you happy,
to make our kids happy,
to make a nice home for you, but I guess I failed,
No, it's not you, okay?
It's me,
No, in your blog, you're either talking
about how frustrated you are,
or you're making fun of the things that I do,
Everybody's laughing at the titmouse!
I'm not making fun of you, okay?
It's just, I'm sharing stories
where you do things that are funny,
There's a difference,
Screw you!
What are you doing?
I told you,
You win,
In your blog, you go on and on
about how you can't achieve your dreams
because of your family,
Well, you know what?
We're gonna mark one of those dreams off the list tonight,
You're gonna fuck me in the ass,
Honey, stop!
Okay, stop,
No, stop,
No, you know what? You don't get to do that!
Because then I've gotta hear
about another one of your dreams that I've destroyed!
That's not what I said!
Bullshit,
I read your blog,
In addition to sharing all of our secrets,
you're always fixated on our one bad year
and wondering how things would've been different
if you chose differently,
Look, I'm a writer, that's just what we do,
We think and wonder about our lives,
and then we write about it,
It's normal to wonder,
No, Not the way that you do it,
When I wonder about my life, an idea pops in my head,
and it swirls around a little bit, and then it leaves,
And then I go back to thinking how amazing my life is,
But you, you just fixate on that one decision
again and again and again and again!
Look, I,,,
You were gonna leave me,
I didn't feel like I had a real choice, okay?
In all your musings,
you act as if it all came down to you,
And that's just not the case,
The fact that we're still together,
that's not about some choice you made,
It's about the choice that I made,
So this is it!
This is your one big chance to fulfill a dream
and hang a big mission accomplished banner on your dick!
So take advantage of this now
or you're gonna lose my ass forever,
Honey, that's not what I want,
Just, here, come on,
It's fine! That's just fine,
It's done,
Blog about that,
I'm good! All good!
Dude, it's my fault about the post on Reddit,
I'm sorry, man,
Is there anything I can do?
Maybe you'd feel better if you put
some of Cameron's secrets on your blog?
Nah,
I mean, what would I even post?
Cameron likes a pinky tip up his ass during sex?
Dude!
Don't worry, we all do,
So, how bad are things?
I slept on the couch last night,
That's never happened before,
God, I've been an idiot for a while now,
It's like someone slapped me across the face
and said, "Wake up!"
Well, I'm awake now and I've shit the bed,
It's too bad you can't hide the sheets like Buzz, right?
Uh, Nikki, you forgot this!
Hey, Frank? Can I ask you something?
Sure, Paulie?
So I've read your blog, and I know you wanna be a writer,
But you've never really said why you wanna write,
Is it fame?
Is it money?
No, it's neither of those things,
I guess I have this need to make people feel something,
It's like, I wanna leave something behind after I'm gone
that makes a difference,
Dude, if that's all you want,
you don't never need to write again,
What do you mean?
I mean, you and that blog make people feel,
Tons,
Believe it or not, you were a factor
in convincing me to get married,
No shit? You're married?
Plus, when it's your time to go,
you are gonna be leaving behind an awesome wife and kids,
And I can guarantee that's gonna make a bigger difference
in this world than any stupid fucking novel,
Huh,
Go home,
Fix things,
And hey, if the bet's still on and you do win,
check with me first,
Me and my hubby know all the good stuff,
Did you guys know Paulie was married? And gay?
I didn't even know the fucker could talk,
But he's right, Frank,
You have to square this up with Laura right now,
It'll get your mind right for Pitchfest this afternoon,
Pitchfest?
I can't even imagine going now,
It just seems so stupid and unimportant after everything,
Yeah, I get that, but it's fate that it's happening here,
and you don't fuck around with fate, Frank,
Yeah?
Well, fate's been fucking with me lately,
And some of the stuff he wrote in that blog?
I mean, God!
Oh, I don't know,
Aside from a few embarrassing incidents,
I think you come off pretty good,
How?
Anybody that googles my name now finds a website
where I sell my ass for a skinny husband!
Laura, you may have seen the blog,
but did you actually go through it?
Here, listen to this,,,
July 16th, my wife is nuts,
Oh, great start,
My wife is nuts,
She believes the ghost of her grandmother
floats around our home making the lights flicker,
And when a butterfly flies by,
it's her dead aunt with a message,
She even thinks some of her email spam
contains messages from a higher power,
I mean, he took that out of context!
Let me finish,
My wife believes all sorts of crazy things,
but I've gotta say, I wish I was nuts like her,
The way she sees the world is magical,
She sees beauty and hope where none exist,
That's the only thing I can think of
that would explain her faith in me,
and I'm eternally grateful for it,
That's not bad,
You think?
Laura, if a little public humiliation
is the cost of having someone
who can always see the best in you,
I'd pay it in a heartbeat,
Jen, I gotta go,
Buzz!
Honey, what happened?
We were talking about Jonah's birthday
and he's gonna have a Car Wars party,
and they asked me what kind of party I'm gonna have,
and I heard daddy last night,
So I said I can't turn seven because,,,
Because he still goes pee-pee in his sleep!
Honey,
Hey! Don't laugh,
We've all got problems, okay?
Maybe, but I don't wet my bed,
Maybe you don't, but your mother did tell me
that you like to put on her bra and high heels
and prance around the house,
And Charlie, Sarah, I don't know why you guys are laughing,
Your mother told me you two
still like to take baths together,
I'm not even gonna guess the issues you two are gonna have
when you get older,
And Drew, really?
Your mother told me you're not even showering
'cause you don't wanna get your head wet,
You need to get over that soon because, honey,
you smell like a rotten banana,
Nasty,
Look, did you guys learn a lesson here?
Okay, just shake hands, apologize and get outta here,
Sorry, Buzz,
Thanks, mama,
No one messes with my boy, okay?
No one,
We're a team, right?
And we've always got each other's back,
Oh, I thought I read that Frank
was going to have your backside,
Sorry, I couldn't resist,
Your husband is such an entertaining writer,
We know now why you always have that frazzled look,
He, um, that's,,,
Hey!
Yes, Buzz,
My mommy is the prettiest and smartest mommy there is!
Yes, sweetie,
Every boy thinks that about his mama,
Nuh-uh,
Xander's never said that about you,
Now, I want you to say,
my mommy is the prettiest and smartest!
Sure,
Your mommy is the prettiest and smartest mommy,
Say it with no passing-addresses,
Your mommy is the prettiest and smartest mommy there is,
Bye, ladies!
Oh boy, you are getting the biggest birthday party ever!
Can I have a volcano fountain?
You bet! The biggest volcano fountain ever!
As a matter of fact, let's go to the party store right now,
- Yay! - Yay!
Laura, you home?
Ah, hey,
Gee, it's great to see you too,
Sorry, I was expecting your mom,
You went to the mall?
Did you buy anything exciting?
Socks,
Neat,
Did you get a dress or anything for the school dance?
Dad, I don't wanna talk about it,
It's just girl stuff, You wouldn't understand,
I dunno, I can be pretty darn girly when I want,
Why don't you give me a try?
I hate shopping,
Now see, we're off to a good start,
I hate shopping too,
No, I like going shopping but,
when I try on clothes,,,
Nothing fits quite right?
Honey, I understand that way better
than you could ever imagine,
Maybe you used to, but you're skinny now,
I'm skinnier, but most clothes still don't fit me right,
What do you mean?
I mean, like you, I have a special body shape,
Thanks to the gift of genetics,
you and I have a similar build as to my mother,
We have strong, thick bones, solid middles,
and butts that won't quit,
It's just hard sometimes,
'cause I'm not as fast as I wanna be and, well,
guys don't always think of you
when it comes to school dances,
Hey, you have no idea how gorgeous you are,
No lie,
Maybe it's my fault for not telling you more, but,,,
Oh, fuck!
Let me go check what that is,
I'll be back in one minute, okay?
Hey, buddy!
Whatcha got there?
My report card,
Can I see?
This is great!
You got five A's and a B+,
No, I got three A's, two A minuses, and a B plus,
Yeah, but the B plus is in Spanish,
And A, A minus, who cares?
MIT does,
The average GPA for admission is 4,13,
What? How does a person get higher than a 4,0?
AP classes,
This sucks,
I'm working super-hard, and it's not enough!
I just,,,
I'll never,,,
Never,,?
I'll never do as good as you,
You were valedictorian in high school,
You got scholarships,
You won awards and stuff,
You've done everything,
Teddy, that's a very selective look at history,
Trust me, I've failed way more than I've succeeded,
Here's the thing,
Life doesn't turn out the way we plan,
but we wouldn't want it to,
It'd be boring,
The exciting stuff that happens in life
is everything we don't plan,
The unexpected wins,
Falling in love,
We just need to appreciate each moment in life
for what it is,
You and me both,
I owe you and your sister an apology,
Hell, I owe an apology to everybody in this house,
I've been so focused on myself,
I haven't even noticed what you guys are going through,
It's okay,
No, it's not,
When your mom and Buzz get home,
we're gonna go out and we're doing something fun,
Wait, dad, we can't,
You've got Pitchfest,
Screw Pitchfest, I'm not going,
I don't really think-
- You're right,
You're not thinking,
Annie, get in here!
Get this,
Dad thinks he's skipping out on Pitchfest,
Yeah, no, You're going,
Put on a clean shirt, Teddy'll drive,
and I'll text mom that we'll meet her there,
Yeah, I'm not really sure your mom,,,
Dad, we've gotta appreciate each moment, right?
What did I ever do to deserve kids like you?
You and mom survived one bad year,
Now, go get ready,
Come on!
Let's go,
Who's texting, mommy?
It's your sister,
She and Teddy are taking your dad to his Pitchfest thing,
So we're meeting them there?
Actually, I didn't think we were going,
That's why I brought you to the party store,
Besides, it's on the other side of town,
What? We have to go!
Daddy needs us,
Buzz, your father will be fine,
and it's rush hour traffic right now,
And look, don't you wanna go inside
and check out all the party stuff?
Later, I don't wanna miss dad,
Right,
Look, your dad and I, we got in an argument and, honestly,
I don't know if it'll be that helpful if I'm there,
Mom, we're going,
It's what good families do,
Besides, we're taffy, right?
Us sweet nuts gotta stick together!
And our second judge is Margaret Smalls,
professor of literature at Shorewood Community College
and author of "The Misogyny of Hemingway,"
Hey, you came!
Ha, that's what she said,
Yeah, well, I wasn't given much of a choice,
So I miss anything good?
They listed the order of the pitches, and you're last,
Works for me,
Anything else?
And our final judge is novelist Molly Young,
With her recent success, it's obvious
that she knows a thing or two about the art of the pitch,
Hey, any word from your mom yet?
No, not yet,
She's probably on her way though,
Don't worry, there's a lot of pitches up before yours,
She'll make it,
And now it's time for our first entry,
as Helen Rotaru comes to the stage
to pitch us on her new book, "A Taste for Life,"
My book is for woman who is suffering
from post-partum depression,
These recipes gonna bring you back from the sad moments,
These recipes, with placenta,
you can make smoothies and stew,
You're gonna enjoy so much-
- Did she just say placenta?
This is gonna be fun,
Buckle up,
This is my book, "Suicide Begins With S,"
My story is about a teenage boy
who suffers from depression,
The lifelong relationship between a woman and her dog,
The next great young adult fantasy novel
is a 2800 page epic,
My story is called "The Man Bun Killer,"
Two topics that are extremely dear
to the tween girl heart,
Allow me to elaborate,
One, unicorns,
And two, systemic racism and bloody violent social upheaval,
W is for wrist, a boring way to die,
Slice down not across, or don't even bother to try,
And so she met these guys
and spiked their kombucha,
Performance enhancing drugs,
I mean, that's what any good pinball player would take,
any good athlete will tell you,
Curry placenta, jambalaya placenta,
And then, plot twist,
The horses are the colonialist Christian white oppressors,
It's not as easy as they make it look in the movies,
If you use a knife, it doesn't cut through the bone,
He gets a call from his doctor telling him
that he has testicular cancer,
These little balls, when you bite, it pops in your mouth,
Just day in and day out, smelting balls,
People who are not used to eating placenta,
they definitely are gonna like the pate,
He tried out some crack cocaine, you know?
Just as one does,
And they even, in a primal ceremony,
dose him with mescaline and endow him
with his own unicorn horn,
Everybody knows once you try crack,
you really can never return to where you once were before,
Puts the bodies in five different bags,
And she realizes that unicorns
are really just horses with horns
and there's no difference between them,
Rainy days bring me joy, of that there is no doubt,
Make you feel like you are swallowing your kid's soul,
But sunny days and kittens
make me want to blow my brains out,
And finally, the crescendo,
Placenta scramble, and avocados on the side,
Maybe she kept the man buns though,
They're soft,
"Dances with Wolves" meets "My Little Pony,"
Namaste,
And all of this happens on Christmas,
Thank you,
Okay,
So we're down to our last pitch of the day,
Following this, the judges will tally their scores
and announce our winner,
So without further ado, will Frank Tsigas
please come to the stage?
- Yeah, - Come on, come on, come on,
Go, Frank,
My name is Frank Tsigas, which is what he just said,
So my pitch today,,,
Oops! Sorry!
Please, do continue with your pitch, kind sir,
So my pitch today is a little different
than anything else you've probably heard,
It's about a guy,
A nice guy, who's relatively unexceptional
except for one thing, his family,
He has a family unlike any family that's ever existed,
He has a wife that means more to him
than anything in the world,
They met young, and instead of doing that dance people do
where they break up and get back together a dozen times,
they just stayed together because they knew
how rare a love like theirs was,
Now, sometimes this guy took this love for granted,
so his wife had to smack him,
But every time he got smacked,
his appreciation for his wife grew a thousandfold
and fortunately, he grew a little less foolish,
And because this couple had this amazing love,
they were able to create three amazing kids,
Their oldest was a boy, and he was the kind of kid
every couple wishes they could have as their first,
His heart was an open book, and anybody who met him
just knew he would change the world one day,
Their second child was a girl,
and she was the definition of joy,
She had a light within her that shined
on all those lucky enough to enter her orbit,
She was a sunflower, bright and strong,
Now, a couple with two great kids might think
they're pushing their luck with a third,
I mean, they could end up with some horrible kid
who grows up to be an Instagram celebrity or something,
Fortunately, they had an awesome little boy
who was observant, funny and adventurous,
He possessed more power than an atomic bomb,
and he made their family perfectly complete,
Aw, somebody wuvs you,
The man has a way with words,
True, but it doesn't look like the judges
appreciate it much,
And the nice guy was looking up
when he should've been looking down,
but his family always brought him around,
He realized his good fortune,
and the nice guy was just oh-so grateful,
Nice kids, nice wife, nice life,
But wait!
The story of this couple is only beginning,
Because,,, because this "nice" guy
and his "nice" wife,,,
they have a, uh,,,
A dark and disturbing secret!
Yes! A secret,
And do you know what that secret was?
Do you know?
Ummm,,,
Yes!
It was a sexy secret, about sex!
You see, this nice guy, he was into all kinds of weird,
perverted sexual acts,
Stuff his nice wife never could have imagined,
I mean, he was a sexual deviant,
Deviant seems like a strong word,
Deviant! Yes,
He was into stuff like role-playing with costumes and props,
like, spatulas and ice cubes, and, uh,,,
stuffed animals,
But then it got dangerous!
And the wife discovered the more dangerous it got,
the more she liked it!
Really?
Yes, she liked it in the story,
It was kind of like she was becoming addicted to his,,,
His, ummm,,,
Rocket Pop!
Stop! I wanna see!
Oh yeah! She was really addicted to that Rocket Pop!
I like Rocket Pops!
Teddy, cover his ears!
Who's gonna cover my ears?
As things were starting to get a little bit dangerous,
she started thinking,
how far is this gonna go?
We just can't keep going like this,
So she decides to make her husband an offer,
An offer that, apparently, every guy on the planet wants,
Two girls at a time!
Butt sex!
Oh,
And she thinks if I have this one-night only event
that this is gonna cure him,
cure both of them of their forbidden desires,
So the night of the big event comes,
and the husband and wife, they ready themselves,
No, no, no, no, no, Please let this be a dream,
A very bad dream,
Come on! Wake up, wake up, wake up!
And they start things slowly, carefully,
his big salami meat thing in her butt-space-hole,
It's like a car crash,
A really sexy car crash,
What is wrong with you?
The more that it's going on,
the more she's kind of finding she's enjoying it,
She does?
Once again, in the story,
But then, all of a sudden,
they're farther into the depravity,
and then they're farther, and then they're deeper,
and then they're really farther and deeper,
and farther and deeper,
And then, Mr, and Mrs, Nice kind of realize
that they've lost themselves in a sexual abyss,
Forever searching for darker and crazier ways
to satisfy their sexual beasts within,
Uh, I mean, the end,
Namaste,
Hey, I missed it!
What happened to the nice guy and his wife?
Did she get a Rocket Pop?
Sorry, but we can't seem to locate your writing sample,
Oh, you know what?
Just go to www,myanonymousblog,com,
That's gonna give you the most accurate representation
of his writing,
I promise, you're gonna love it,
Okay,
Thank you, contestants,
I think our judges are going to have a very hard time
finding a winner from this group, but they're gonna try,
Let's give them five minutes to tally their scores,
While I really appreciated your pitch,
it didn't seem like the judges were that into it,
That's why I did what I did,
I hope that's okay,
Ummm,,,
Thoughts?
Yeah,
I'm telling Jen the titmouse is dead,
Look, I've got so much to apologize for,
My attitude, I'll fix it,
The blog, I can end it,
No, just stop,
I forgive you for everything,
And I want you to keep blogging,
You're a writer, and a really good one at that,
Okay, but for every whiny post I write in the future,
I'm gonna write three posts about how lucky I am,
Oh, you better!
Hello, everyone,
I've been asked to announce the winners
of this year's Pitchfest, but before I do,
I wanna say that you were all great,
So let's start with our runner-up,
Michael Hodges for "A Darker Shade of Black,"
And now, the moment that you've all been waiting for,
The winner of this year's Pitchfest,,,
Delilah Moonraven for "Suicide Begins With S,"
Oh my God! Oh my God!
I am so sorry, honey,
Thank you,
Look, don't be,
I like my story, our story, a lot better,
Look, we need to go out as a family tonight,
We need to just celebrate,
That sounds really nice,
but won't going out ruin your diet?
You said it last night, the bet's over,
No,
You worked really hard and I made a promise,
but you still gotta meet the deadline,
Actually, that's probably a good thing,
because I've still gotta catch up on my training,
Training?
My dear anonymous readers,
thank you for coming back to the blog,
I was thinking my numbers might go down
after my identity was exposed,
so I was surprised when they grew, and they grew a lot!
Hang on for some updates,
It's not gonna hurt,
It's gonna be fun,
Yes!
Oooh!
It's a little poke,
Like a little tap,
I'm just gonna tap it in,
Just tap,
So, do you remember that Hollywood producer
who told me I could either have a great career
or a great family?
Was he ultimately right?
I can't say for sure,
but I know I made the choice that's right for me,
Besides, I recently heard that producer was hit
with a bunch of sexual harassment lawsuits
and his wife is leaving him so, you know, fuck that guy,
Come on, Laura!
Don't be the titmouse,
Just put it in your butt, It's fun,
Lately, I've started to believe
that the definition of success
is being able to enjoy what you have,
Everybody expects you to be the titmouse,
but you're gonna be fun, Laura,
You can be the fun one,
I can be fun!
Now, does this mean you shouldn't want more?
Well, hell no, but the more should be looked at
as the cherry on top of a sundae,
It's not really necessary,
It's just a tiny addition to something
that's already pretty great,
Beep,
And of course I'm talking about ice cream
because I'm nearing the end of my diet,
It's almost prize time!
Now, for those of you expecting to read a graphic account
of the event, well, there's fanfiction sites for that,
Boardwalk! You owe me a thousand bucks!
Okay, maybe I will post something,
but expect it to be vague with lots of euphemisms,
USA!
After all, what happens in Browntown stays in Browntown,
USA! USA!
USA!
Oh beeeeeeeep,,,
Laura, honey?
I dropped the kids off with your folks!
They're ready for their sleepover,
We're all good!
So how would you like to begin this romantic evening?
Huh,
Looks like you have some romantic ideas of your own,
Laura?
That's what I was going for,
For you,
Thanks for the roses,
Yes, most definitely,
Oh,
Okay, you just wanna get right down to it?
Honey, I've been getting ready
since you left with the kids,
So, yeah,
Are you nervous?
I feel like that dog that chases the car,
Once they catch the car, I don't know what to do,
Well, let's get you undressed
and see if we can't figure something out,
Ooh! I've got a little something sexy planned,
Just one second,
Oh, helping me get my daily potassium?
You know, it has a-peel,
Oh yes, it does,
And it's ripe!
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
If your plan is to get me all hot n' heavy
so I won't make it to the end, that's a good plan,
Look, we can just do regular stuff tonight,
A deal's a deal,
You put up your end, so,,,
Now I get your end?
Sorry,
I'm gonna miss these puns when they're gone,
Give up the puns, and there's a better chance
this can happen again,
Really?
Well, we'll only know if we give it a try,
Do we have any lubrication?
It has a pump?
Huh,
Geez,
I haven't been this nervous since our first time doing it,
Nervous or excited?
Both,
How about you?
Both,
Are you ready?
Here goes, um, something,
Oh my God!
Oooh,
I love bananas,
Dipped in strawberry volcano fountain?
Yes! Genius!
Want some nuts to go with your 'nana?
Cameron! I thought you were better than jokes like that,
He's not,
Did you enjoy it? Did she enjoy it?
You brown-trouting son of a bitch, I'm so horny,
Are you gonna do it again?
Yeah, I'm not answering any of those questions,
Frank, come on, you've gotta give me a hint,
Give me something,
Fuck it! Spill it!
Uhhh,,,
Aargh!
No way,
I'm not answering any questions
about what did or didn't happen,
You're just gonna have to use your imagination,
Okay, please stop using your imagination!
Oh, calm down,
Even in my mind, you're still kinda boring,
Gee, thanks,
You know, maybe one of you wanna share
some intimate details about your sex life?
So Cameron finally asked me to marry him,
I just had to make him an offer like Laura's,
What?
And how is that gonna lead to nuptials that last?
Simple,
I said he can't cash in until our 10th wedding anniversary,
If you need help writing that prenuptial agreement,
you let me know,
Okay, so Nikki and Paulie are here and so are the girls,
Thank you,
So what's this big news that you said about in your email?
You guys make another bet?
No,
So about a week after Pitchfest,
I got an email from my old classmate, Molly,
And because Laura mentioned my blog in the pitch,
Molly read it and she loved it,
And then she told her agent about it, her agent loved it,
and now the agent is working on a book deal
to publish my blog and the story of our bet,
Oh my God! And you're okay with that?
Yeah, sure, It's no big deal,
Yeah, it became less of a big deal
when I said we could use the book advance
for a family trip to Hawaii,
I was getting sick of Oregon,
- Buzz! - Buzz, a happy birthday,
We've gotta wish you a happy birthday!
We've got cake!
Here we go,
Okay, since I'm to blame for this blog's fame,
if this gets made into a movie,
I get to be played by The Rock!
If he gets to be played by The Rock,
you're writing us a sex scene!
No,
Okay, first, I never wanna picture this guy having sex,
And secondly, I think that's kinda putting the cart
before the horse,
I can't really see any studio wanting to make a film
of my blog,
I mean, what kinda demented individual
would wanna sit through a family comedy about butt-fucking?
Oh, Nikki!
My new agent wants me to keep up my social interaction
with my blog fans, so I've set up a livestream,
Could you get us while we sing happy birthday to this guy?
All right,
Okay,
Happy birthday,
So, what'd you wish for?
I wanna go to the happiest place on earth!
No way, We're not switching out Hawaii for Disneyland,
Not Disneyland!
I heard daddy talking to Uncle Cameron,
He said the happiest place on earth is Browntown!
I wanna go too!
Browntown! Browntown!
Browntown!
Nikki, cut!
No way,
Browntown!
Browntown! Browntown!
BROWNTOWN!
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