Why don't we see ghosts everyday?
The truth is: ghosts are around us all the time,
But most hauntings are so small, they go unnoticed,
For exemple: a pen, A pen lid, A gravel,
A trapped sound,
A child ball, Or balls,
A wheeled bin,
Hello, I'm Vincent Dooley,
Welcome to the next in my series exploring the rare and wonderful supernatural gifts
known as, the talents,
Later, in this episode:
Do you ever have nightmares after eating cheese?
You might've eaten a ghost,
Even the weakest ghosts can posses cheese quite easily!
Due to the living bacteria, in the cheese,
But what is a ghost?
Well, they were once just like us,
I'm really sorry for murdering you daddy,
You stop, will ya?
You didn't murder him, you spanner, it was literally an accident,
What do they call it when you kill your father, anyway?
Dad slaughter?
C'mon,
I'm really sorry for slaughtering you, daddy,
C'mon sis, you're gonna be late for work,
- Oh, we're flying along here, - Yeah,
- That's grand, isn't it? - That's,, Not so hard,
Yeah,
- I wouldn't get cocky, but,,, - Yeah,
No, there's nothing at all to worry about, just listen to the soothing sound of my voice,
- Shit! - Oh, mind your language,
- Sorry, sorry, - C'mon
Go ahead,, Into first,
Ah, don- Don't bring down the, eh, you just,,,
And are you up to something, tonight?
Eh, hum, en- I'm engaged, actually, so,,,
No, you're fine,
That wasn't,,, I was just making
driver instructor conversation,
- Oh, okay, - Okay, I have zero interest there,
No one, I'm home!
Miss you, paps, Miss you, Mary Black,
What's going on in here, today,,,
Ah, lasagna! Oh! Che cosa?
I didn't really have any breakfast, so,,,
I love this tart,
Hi! This is Rose's Driving School,
If you're calling about driving lessons, please leave a message,
If you're calling about the other thing I haven't done that for years ok?
So, just leave me alone,
Hello? I hear you talk to the ghosts,
there's something haunting in me green bin,
Can you come up and take a look? I've been driven bloody mad!
Yeah, so, I lost my charger,
Could you just use you powers when going to find it?
And also, maybe have a look to see if I'm pregnant?
Oh my god!
How hungry would you have to be to eat your own baby?
- It's desperate, - A'ight, sis! It's Sailor
hear me out, you better not be up on that bouncy ball,
eating yogurt and listening to ghosts messages,
After you're not gonna call over at all, tonight's the same, just-
So, now occurred to me, my feet are killing me,
So, you can have dinner on your own, Lasagna for one, is it?
All right, go on, I'll talk to you later,
By-ye! I love you,
Hello? Is this,,, Rose's Driving School?
My name is Martin,
Martin Martin,
YOU MUST PAY
THE CAR TAX
Yeah, I remenber, but-
Thanks, Bonnie,
Dad! I'm bursting for a wee and I'm really fucking late!
- Language, Sarah! - Fuck off, dad,
Not that one, again!
Sorry, Bonnie! I'll wear it!
Stop it, Terry!
Terry, that's disgusting!
- Hmm, toast, Cool shirt, dad, - The future of woodwork is uncertain,
What happened?
Oh! Nothing, I hit it off a door,
It was mum again, wasn't it?
No,,,
- No, - Don't lie, I can tell,
YOur nose kinda twitches, you're the world's worst lier,
I push her buttons,
Why are you still here, mum? What do you want?!
What's wrong with you, Terry?
DOG HAS WORMS
See? She's just trying to help,
Sarah?
- You smoking? - Yeah,
We can't go on like this,
If you're too scared to do something, than I'm gonna call someone,
Who you're gonna call?
Rose Dooley? that psychic driving instructor or whatever,,,
Those Dooleys? That family is mad!
You know her?
No, but I used to see her father in the telly,
Crazy fella, going on about talking to ghosts,
Right, crazy father talks to ghosts,
Look, it Sarah,
I don't know what I'm doing half the time
Right? Your,,, Your mum is doing her thing to stop me from messing this all up,
- Dad,,, - What if I do it wrong
and you end up some sort of a homeless, sex maniac?
Sleeping on the streets, snorting a hash!
Jesus, dad! If you're not gonna call her or do something
I'm movieng out!
That's my lift,
Hello? Is this,,, Rose's Driving School?
My name is Martin,
Martin Martin,
Hello!
Hi! Eh,,, Rose, isn't it?
Yeah, but you know what they say- a Rose by any other name,
Oh, Sorry! So, is it Rose?
O- or do you go by another name, isn't it?
No, sorry, no, it is Rose,
Sorry, it's just like a cool thing that Roses say,
But, uhm,,,
Hi, Rose here!
Sorry, Oh my god!
Bloody thing is, demented,
Uhm, hi Rose, I'm Martin,
Ok, should we get started?
I've brought some toast sandwiches, I wans't sure how long we'd be,,,
Oh! Ok,,,
And a,,, Couple of little juices,
Lovely, is it eh?
- So,,, - Ah, and some mints!
In case of,,,
Onions, in the- in the sandwich,
- The breaths in the car, you know? - Right,
So, uhm,,,
One thing is, I think, I-
You do look like a "cool dude", with those sunglasses, but I think
for driving, it might be even better if you don't actually- - No!
No no, no, I need them, they're hm, special prescription,
All right,
Ok so, should we get it going?
Now you have nothing at all to worry about, just listen to the soothing sound of my voice
and we pop the key into the ignition, very good,
Indicate we're out, pull over,
Yeah, excellent! Oh, you just,,, Flying there Martin,
Very good,
Sometimes, it's just easy to teach, you know?
That's just fine,
You don't have- you barely have to do anything,
So now this is called "parallel parking",
And you're doing very well there,,,
Yeah, look behind you and look afront here,
Brilliant!
That's fantastic, Martin!
I would say that you are nearly ready for your test!
I've passed my test seventeen years ago,
What?
Rose I haven't been honest with you,
You did want the other juice?
No, I,,, I didn't really come to you for a driving lesson,
Oh my god, you're an external examiner? Let me just say
that thing about the mirrors I was only messing, you do need to use them,
I was going to just do a lesson and pretend to my daughter that I'd asked for help
and that you'd said no- - Wait! Ask me for help?
With what?
With my wife,
Oh, your wife? She can't drive is it?
No, my deceased wife,
I knew this was going too well,
Uhm, I'm a driving instructor and you're perfectly capable of driving
so please exit my vehicle, thank you,
I knew, this whole thing was a bad idea,
I'm sorry,
Martin?! Did your wife do that to your face?
It's just a- Ai eh,,, It's just a bump,
Bonnie said, if I'd put some frozen peas on it it would-
Wait! You can hear her when she speaks?
Yeah, why?
- Never mind, - It's just, you're so nice
to talk to, you seem like a warm person,
You seem really nice as well,
And maybe you could have a chat with my wife, you know, woman to woman?
Use your gift just to find out what's up with her,
I don't use my talents anymore,
I swore I would never again, they're too dangerous,
Then maybe with my daughter Sarah, then, tell her-
Tell her that this ghost stuff is normal?
I said no!
I understand, uhm,,, Sorry for bothering you,
Goodbye Rose,
He said I'm warm,
Do ghosts have feelings?
Ghosts, like us, can be lonely,
Stuck between worlds, they spend what little energy they have trying to get people's attention
- Ugh, leave me alone, - But try as they might,
it's hard for them to make any real impact in our world,
Stop waving at me, Brant!
Generally most people tend to think that ghosts are something to be afraid of,
Really, they are just people,
Maybe, we could help them to move on,
These are stuck people, Lonely people,
Ordinary people,
There's no doubt that Ireland has its fare share of musicians,
But there are also many who have moved here from abroad, and now call Ireland home,
♪ And I sing, la lalalala! Cosmic woman, lalalala, cosmic woman ♪
And, what was it about Ireland that made you want to move here, twenty years ago?
I was seeking solitude,
Ireland is steeped in the poetic, mystical, magic, The people are, uhm, are simple people,
Yes,
Yeah, and all that tax exemption, of course,
♪ And I sing, la lalalala! Cosmic woman lalalala, cosmic woman ♪
Few songs in rock history had such instant success,
Christian shot from anonymity to mega stardom, practically over night, But that was it,
A one hit wonder, Christians success, was short lived,
None of his subsequent records even made it to the chats,
Yes, Everyone does call him one hit winter and laughs at him, etc,
But, this new album is really gonna turn things around and we won't have to live in this shi-
Eh! Deh- d- This is, my comeback,
They say that "the devil is in the details', and with this album- Aww, the details are just right,
In the eyes of the media, the only thing cool about this Winter are his banks accounts,
And reports are they are now, all, frozen,
She promised me she wouldn't mention it!
This is why I never do interviews anymore,
Aah! And now I've misspelled Beelzebub!
Christie, darling, the phone's ringing!
Phone! Now Christian, it's your manager,
Bernard, old friend! We're in the final stages here, it's all been surprisingly easy,
I did the incantation to summon the chosen girl, and as if by, well, magic - she arrived!
The books power is really quite impressive,
Of course, after the sacrifice I'll send you the new album,
Oh, I can't wait to be back on top! Yes!
With the hit songs and money too!
Yeah, is all in my uh- my list,
No! I don't want my legs broken,,, again,
Hey you, wake up!
Oh gosh,,,
Bernie? I- I think I must go, Yes, I need to do some mastering, See you at the Grammys!
- Cl- Claudia,,, - Sorry!
God!
Ooh! The virgin!
Claudia! What in god's green under garments did you do?
What? I woke her up to ask her something and she kinda exploded and sorta fell apart,,,
It'll still work, yeah?
I just sacrificed her a bit early,
The blood moon is tomorrow night, the ceremony can only happen then!
Now I shall have to procure another virgin!
I said, sorry!
The virgin divination rod, have you seen it?
There's an ornate phallice carved into one end,
Oh, the willy stick,
Darling? Please be more respectful of my things! Seven hundred years old,
Now, once operational it always points in the direction of purity,
Let e do a quick incantation to turn it on,
Babe?
Babe!
Christian!
- What now my sweet?
- Uhm, maybe you should wait till your closer to town to turn your dick rod on?
Yes, good Idea, Yes,
And that's them leaving the church,
And that's the flowers, aren't they lovely?
Yeah and,,, That's the family together,
All dressed up,,, Yeah, I didn't know the woman,
It was a brilliant funeral,
Shall we?
Oh, Rose! I didn't recognize you,
You'd been putting on some weight,
Yeah? Thank you!
You pregnant too?
No!
- An unmarried mother like your sister- - All right!
Go on so, Noreen!
That should do you for six weeks now, no need to see you again, all right?
That's on the count, bye!
- You all right? - Fucking fusser,,,
- Blowjob? - Yes!
Actually, I rather need one,
- So, I have a date! - What?
- Your man from the butcher? - No!
You know Brian Welsh, the guy from the county counsel?
Where they put the cash machine downtown?
He's a bit dull maybe, Butcher,
That's good though, you know? 'Cause he won't be too giddy,
Rose, is giddy your way of saying sexually active?
I think so yeah, yeah!
Anyway, listen!
Noreen's just saying to me there that Christie Berk's wife has gone to jail for infanticide,
so he's practically single now, And no kids or nothing,
Just thinking you should call up and see him!
No,,, Thank you, though!
But, I think th- I think I might have met someone, maybe?
Wait,,,
What?
I'm not sure bu this gentleman, like, Martin, Martin Martin,
When we touched, something,,, There was something, all right?
I don't know, but
he was only pretending that he couldn't drive so he could talk to me,
Oh my goo! Pretending is good, go Martin!
So, what did he want to talk about?
Oh, his wife, like she's dead but she still lives with him,
Oh, for fuck's sake, one of them?
But that's an easy fix, no?
Quick ex-wifexorcism!
Sailor!
You know I can't do that!
Why Rose, what's the worst that can happen?
Aah, I kill him with my supernatural powers living his daughter to face her live alone?
Fair enough,
Well right, tell me, did you like, kiss? Oh my god, did anything giddy happen?
No! Oh my god, no!
- I thought maybe something could, but- - Yeah?
I don't know, he just-
He was crying and I told him like "get out of my car"!
And then I ate a sandwich that he left,
And then I started crying too,
Wow,
You should be a sexpert on one of those magazines, Rose,
Sailor, is that how advice's like?
All right, sorry,
Well, why don't you get to know him a bit?
See if he's into you?
Like, just like that sorta thing?
Would you call him?
Oh no! I have a better idea actually, stalk him!
Stalk him?
Rose, I do it all the time! How do you think I found about Brian ####?
I would never do that,
With you in a sec,
I'm just browsing, young lady!
So Rose, if that is her real name, said she doesn't do it anymore,
- Fuck's sake,,,, - Language!
She jus refused to help? Bitch,
Don't be mean!
She seemed nice,
A bit weird,
Nice weird, I suppose, At least she didn't think I was nuts,
Felt good to- To talk about it,
You know, to somebody else, Who understood,
Ok, well, it's a start,
No more excuses,
It's me or mum, seriously!
I'll talk to your mother, see what I can do,
Aha! Your girl's got something,
The fragrant aroma of purity,
I just remembered I have a mop, thanks!
Oh my god! Hi! Christian Winter!
- Hello? - Oh my god, I'm am such a fan!
Thank you,
Yes,
Willy,,, Oh!
Will he or won't he release a new album soon, we all want to know,
'Cause I loved "Cosmic Woman"! Stunning,
Thank you, thank you, yes,
- But it was so long ago, I'd love to hear some, something,,, - Very soon!
Believe me! Working on it, right now,
Oh, cool! Ok!
By-ye!
Can I help you or something?
Oh yes, my dear,
I believe you can,
What is evil?
Well, there are those who would use their knowledge of magic for nefarious purposes,
Power, Fortune, Fame,
Behold this,,,! Uh,,,
Scrunchie,,,!
Hair of the virgin,
Bonnie? You there?
Come on love,
We need a chat!
God almighty, Bonnie! One is not gonna kill me,
There's no need for that!
The spells they cast are not incantations for luck!
Or good harvests,
They're more like bargains, struck with dark, ancient and hungry spirits,
Evil spirits, whose help comes,,, With a price,
Sarah!
Babe, dinner!
It's Good Johnson's chips!
Coming my sweet! I'm doing an incantation,
Now!
This better work,,, Or it's curtains for Christian,
Hello?
No, I'm sorry! It is Rose, sorry, I just had a frog in my throat,
What?
Can you slow down? Yeah! Of course I remember you,
No, I told you, I don't do that anymor-
Martin? Don't do anything, all right? I'm on my way over now,
Why did you slaughter me, Rose?
Telly's back,
Buy mommy,
Yes, ok Rose, you can do this!
Just go over there, save the girl,
Don't slaughter anybody again, and uhm-
Fall in love, get the guy,
And then be home in time to something to eat, maybe something light
just yogurt or something!
Hello,
Bonnie!
I'm guessing that was more than just a gust of wind,
- Yeah, sorry, - No, it's ok,
Hi Bonnie! Uhm My name is Rose,
Pleased to meet you, Ok,
Sarah is, upstairs?
Good, Ah! Those are bad luck,
Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
Martin, she's floating! She's floating, Martin!
I know, told ya! Rose, what is this?
I don't know, I was trying to stay calm there on the door but, uhm-
I'm in way over my head, I gotta go,
No, Rose, please!
Please, I don't hav anybody else to turn to!
Please, Look at her,
Could it be Bonnie?
I shouldn't have tried to eat that donut!
I push her buttons, you know?
Yeah, but I don't think that this is Bonnie, I mean- Why would she do this to her own daughter?
It's true, she never bothers Sarah,
Plus, like, with possession there's usually more vomiting and funny voices and-
Masturbating with crucifixes, and,,,
- You know, like that sort of thing anyway, - Like the Exorcist?
I've never met him,
Then,,, What is happening?
Well,,, I do have an idea,
I really hope I'm wrong,
Hello! I'm Vincent Dooley,
This week, I'm visiting the O'Callaghan farm, in West Cork,
Investigating a gloating,
- Gloating? - Yeah, a goat floating,
-Right, Ok, I see, - Uhm, Martin?
Do you think you can kinda be like, calm, and like- Do you remember that cool guy in the car?
Just to let you know this is a satanic ritual,
Satanists? Oh my god! Don't they I should've had her baptized?
This is a preparation for a virgin sacrifice,
What? Like-
Bang a goat?
Yeah, like, some demons are into that you know, just different strokes but, uhm, listen-
Only in eve of the Blood Moon,
the virgin's body will float to when the spell was originally cast,
The Blood Moon! Th-th-the weather woman was on about that, It's a weird lunar eclipse thing-
She said it was tomorrow night!
- Sarah! - Martin, no, no! No-
- You can't wake her! - Why not?
You can never wake a floating goat,
Watch this,
Martin! Stop!
Stop screaming! Shhh
I'll help you, ok?
I know this holding spell, okay? I've got some herbs-
Just be calm! Martin?
This is gonna keep her safe, ok?
So it's mainly rue and sage aand,,,!
That's the holding spell!
Do you have any fresh basil and tabasco?
What do they do?
I bought this frozen pizza, and was hoping you could kind pimp it?
I'm starving,
And now, we wait,
What a shit hole,
I got it! We need ectoplasm,
It's this type of goo that ghosts leave behind when they move out to the spirit world,
Like in Ghostbusters!
Oh, I haven't read that!
Ok, so, to break the spell-
We basically have to collect the ectoplasm of seven ghosts and rub that into your daughter's face,
Kinda of unnecessarily gross, isn't it?
No, it's just like technical paranormal stuff,
'Course it would sound weird for like, a lay person,
Ok, that's not so bad! We just go get some ectoplasm,
Martin?
You know the other day you were saying that you could hear Bonnie?
Yeah, yes, I can sometimes,
Do you now that that's a really rare gift?
- That's called a talent, - That's my talent?
Uhum,
Why couldn't I be good at something cool like DJing?
It is cool!
That was my dad's talent too!
That's how come we could work together, you know?
He could hear ghosts, they spoke through him, and my talent is basically like chatting to them?
An that's what made us such a good team,
What, so you were on his tv show?
Yeah,,, I don't like watching those ones,
Sorry Bonnie! Totally my fault,
Put a plate where the bowls are,
N-now! Where are we gonna find a ghost to get this ecto stuff?
Where are we gonna find a ghost?
Martin? Right,
You just have to let the ghosts inhabit your body and I can do all the rest, all right?
It's basically exorcising her,
Wait a minute, No way! Her?
I mean, it makes sense and also, don't you think it's time?
That's my wife you're talking about!
- Yeah, your dead wife, - Shh
She hates to be talked about,
And some times, not be talked about, She's a complicated woman!
Theses spirits, right? They're not themselves-
We could be helping her, all she needs is just like a little shove,
You are not shoving my wife!
I'm sorry, I would do anything to help Sarah but-
Killing my dead wife is not an option!
Ok! So we just gonna have to try to round some,
Thank you, Rose!
So, where on this little town we're going to find seven ghosts?
Well, actually,,,!
You might be,,, Surprised,
Hello, Rose Dooley? I've been calling you for weeks!
Why hasn't she floated ou?
Christ, why we're waiting so long? Can't we just kill the bitch?
Claudia? I'm afraid it doesn't work like that! that way, ok?
The sacrifice is a trade, you see?
A covenant between myself and the Dark One!
And then?
Yes, And then my darling you'll have the riches you deserve,
You put that tubery jape thing I like on the Satan list?
Wait!
Look!
####
There appears to be some sort of holding spell on the virgin!
The plot thickens!
Can't we just kill the bitch?
Just-
No! O? They have the girl!
A-and again! Killing the virgin is pointless! It's a sacrifice,
,,, Been through this!
Don't you get snippy with me! I'm this close with you Christian, this fucking close!
YOu think I don't understand sacrifices?
I have put up with your tragic magic for years!
I have sacrificed all our royalties to get the money to buy this fucking book , it better work!
For it to work, we must pursue them!
The Blood Moon grows ever closer!
This bloody moon better make you bloody rich!
Yes,,,
Nervous?
Wel, I mean, I told you I'm basically retired for a real long time, like so-
I don't know if you need to get somebody else I'm actually, really very rusty,
I've been calling you for weeks!
- This must be her! - Oh!
Hi,
Do you have a problem with the ghost, is it?
I don't know if it's a ghost or what-
But you see these here? I've had to move them away from the house,
They're driving the dog mental!
Here, Let me show you,
Holy shit!
- Is everything ok? - Yeah, good!
Good, thanks, How are you?
Martin, no! I absolutely can't do this, like, this is- This is demented,
I'm having a full on panic attack! I'm freaking out-
And you go there and tell her I'm having a panic attack-
I'mjust gonna try something,
Hey! you need to get your shit together, woman!
What?
Did you actually just put on a "cool" voice?
- And call me woman? - Yes,
Yes I did, And I- and I said shit, too! I am so sorry!
I was just trying to stop you from freaking out, are you still freaking out?
N-no,
Ok, c'mon,
Come on!
Excuse us, Janet, we just had some technical difficulties, but they are all sorted now!
Could I ask if have you lost anybody recently?
My Tom passed a few months ago,
I'm so sorry!
I am not,
Prick,
Tell me this, uhm-
Was Tom sorta responsible for the rubbish and the recycling?
Oh yeah,
_ I wonder if he has something to do wi- - Me Tom?
Behind this?
Well, I can't say but,,,
- Tommy? - Damnit,
Do you hear me?
I'll put you and the green bin in the lake!
- Janet, I'm sorry, please, There's absolutely no need to worry! - What?
I can take care of this, it's a very straight forward procedure, ok?
What are they spasmin' out about?
Give me you hands,
Seems to be some local form of the Dark Arts!
It's quite surprising!
Is it?
They're so soft!
Thanks,
Eh, listen Rose, where exactly does the ectoplasm come from?
It doesn't matter, you'll see in a minute,
Now, just close you eyes-
ok?
Oh, spirit on the road between life and death, I call out to you now!
Would you like tea or anything?
Tom Bern, my talents compel you to show yourself!
Oh , restless spirit! Enter now this vessel I have before me!
Whenever you're ready, please!
It's working,
Jan! Is it yourself?
Tom? Is that you?
It is I, my love,
How are you?
Gosh all mighty, I thought I'd never get rid of ya,
- Now it seems as though I was right! - Janet if you just let me do the spirit talking-
'Cause it's actually very complicated and technical?
How are you my love?
- My name is Rose- - He's three times your age, would you look at yourself!
- Janet! No! - Ah!
Who is this succubus?
I would actually like that cup of tea, please?
Dirty ol' fuck"
Is just if there's a green bin-
Right there I don't know why you wouldn't just recycle to the green bin!
Look the milk coming in for recycling!
That's perfect, isn't it?
Yeah! Uhm, you don't have to worry about that anymore, all right?
Tom, give me your little hands,
Good man, now-
Oh, restless spirit!
Untether yourself from this world,
And let the tides carry you home!
Good job!
Very good,
Martin? We did it!
Why do this have to be unnecessarily gross?
We did it,
This witch must be stopped,
We must break that holding spell,
Pumpkin?
I believe it's time to face one of my biggest fears,,,
Ducks?
No, my darling,
Tomorrow,,,
I'm going to learn to drive!
Bogger eejit,
- Oh, hello! - Hello sleepyhead!
You're up?
I'm sorry, I'm great,
Turns out taking a ghost into your body and-
puking his up ectoplasm when your daughter is under a satanic levitation spell will take it out of you,
But you're now learning so fast, though!
Good teacher!
Good teacher? Good partner!
Right, so I better go in, Bonnie will be wondering where I've been,
All right, ok, Goodnight!
See you tomorrow!
Oh, look who came crawling back,,,
I, uhm,,, I totally forgot Sarah,
So have I!
Morning!
Hello, toaster!
Long time no see, branch!
Hello little ghost lady!
Hello!
I'm sorry! I thought you were dead!
My goodness,
Yes,
So, yes, Throughout this series, we have shone a light into the darkness,
Goodness nurtures love, Love defeats evil,
Thanks, Rose,
It's love that binds the best partnerships together,
It's where true magic comes from,
- See you tonight, partner! - That's why I emphasize caution with your given talent!
So if one partner makes the slightest mistake,
the other can be sucked up into he spinning void of chaos!
Ending up stuck, or trapped! Or even worst!
Nowhere at all!
Lucky I have nothing to worry about, because my talented partner never makes mistakes,
She's,,,
She's extraordinary, Extraordinary, Extraordinary,
I can't do this,
Hello there, Rose!
This is Martin here,
Look forward tu getting up and at it whenever you're ready!
I think we're really gonna kick some ass today!
So will you excuse my french,
See you soon, partner!
Bye-e!
Hello, Rose Dooley, Christian Winter the artist, here!
I hear you're rather talented driving instructor,
I should like to employ your services today, noon, at my castle, Good day,
she's extraordinary!
Hi! This is Rose, I'm on my way,
I made you a sandwich,
Thank you, my dear,
I couldn't face it right now but, perhaps, after my tutorial,
Don't be such a drama queen! It's a driving lesson, you dickhead!
Get it bloody done,
Yes, ma'am,
Ah, here she comes!
So, how are you gonna find out what she's been up to then, babe?
Guess a little clever sleuthing?
It's chocolate spread, by the way,
Hi! Hi, I'm Rose!
Delighted,
We've met yesterday, actually, outside Bargains Galore?
- Ah, yes! In the slaughter house, - NO, in the shop,
Yes, Yep,
Memorable encounter indeed,
Yeah, so,, Driving!
I've packed myself a snack, in some sense here,
It's chocolate spread,
oh, great,
Now,
´Proceed, - Ok, now!
So, both hands on the wheel!
Right? Very good! And now you just push down on the clutch,
With your foot, sorry, use you foot,
Of course, yes, yes,
That's the accelerator, sorry, that's the accelerator,
No,
You're absolutely fine, So this time push the clutch down with your foot,
Very good,
That's the accelerator again there!
No, ok, That's, yeah" That is the clutch!
Yes,
Good, but just, use your left foot,
Or use your other left foot,
Very good! Great stuff, Now we can just slip the car into first gear,
Oh my god! Are you- Christian?
Are you ok?
I think I should like to go home now, my dear,
Okay, no- Maybe you shloud, yeah,
Thank you1
Perhaps this driving is just not for me,
No,,,
I'm just a bad teacher, I shouldn't be doing this either,
Huh?
Is ther perhaps another field that yours true talents may lie?
No,
Not really, I mean-
- Kinda, but actually- - Talent is what fuels us,
What stirs our loins,
What elevates us from the beasts! And other non-amazing people,
YOu really rather just have no talents at all?
Spend your life doing this?
I just like everything to be,,,
Ordinary,
So maybe I can help,
Perhaps if I,,,
May I?
What?
And I sang, la la la!
Cosmic woman,
La la la, my cosmic woman,,,
Little better?
I think yeah, thank you,
And perhaps a, uh-
Small token of my gratitude,
An exclusive preview of my new material, It's a signed copy!
From one talented person to another,
- Oh that's lovely! - In lieu of payment, of course,
All right,
Fair well, my dear,
All right, goodbye!
Oh, sorry! The door, I'll get it,
Weird,
World class,
I was nervous you weren't going to come!
I cook when I'm nervous,
I eat when I'm nervous,
Seems we make a great team, uh?
Yeah,,,
I've got a few jars washed and ready for the ectoplasm tonight!
And,,, I made you this earlier, when I was restless,
Oh my go, that's fabulous!
This is gonna make mockery out of all my other crockery!
Thank you,
I make you a spoon when all this is done,
You like garlic?
Uhm, not really,
So what was it you wanted to chat about?
Bonnie, no!
Ah, it's gone everywhere,
Martin can you just leave that sauce and listen to me just for a second?
Yes, what is it?
I really think it's important that I tell you what happened to my last partner,
Your dad?
We were investigating a haunted pot hole, right?
And there was a woman there with her dog,
and she just held the empty lead and the dog was inside the pot hole,
And my dad said:
Some sort of apparitional portal,
You did the right thing calling us,
It doesn't look good, I'm afraid,
The best we can do for, ehm,,,
Beans,,,
Beans,,, Here,
Is to be sure he makes it to the other side,
And my dad said to me like "It's on you, Rose", you know? Like it was gonna be my turn to do it?
Now, Rose, there are two spirits at play here,
The pot hole spirit,
And Beans,
- Daddy, I can't!- Follow your heart, Rosie,
Always trust your talents,
And went to re-inhabit the spirit of the dog-
So he was like "woof woof woof woof"!
So Beans, the dog, was actually in him and animals spirits are always kinda tricky,
That's my Beans! Oh, you're a good boy, aren't ya?
But you see, the spinning pot hole was in him too so he became part pot hole part dog,
But I totally panicked and I forgot the words,
Oh, you traveler on the road between land and- Oh,
And then daddy freaked and went spinning into the middle of the road,
And the next thing I see the lorry coming down the road towards him-
An the lory driver is like "boo bu boo bu boo"!
And I was like "daddy, nooo"!
And the lorry smushed daddy,
That was it,
And then there was like a magpie up in the tree, and the magpie is like "kaa kaa kaa kaa"!
You know this kind thing? KAAA!
Kaa!
You know when that's happened to you?
So that's like, I need to tell you, You need to find yourself a new partner,
What?
I'm-I'm-I'm sorry that happened to you but-
We don't have a choice!
The Blood Moon is tonight,
And anyway I don't care if anything happens to me, she's my little girl!
Yeah, but like, I care you know?
Because I can't go through all of this again, I really can't Martin!
So I'm just gonna take my bowl and I'm just gonna say goodbye!
Just hang on a minute!
My daughter is about to be deflowered by the devil and you're telling me you won't help?
- I can't help! - What are you so afraid of?
Didn't you hear my story? Reacted to it and everything!
I made one tiny mistake and my dad actually got killed!
He turned into a dog-pot hole and he got killed!
- So what? - So what?!
No, I don't- I don't mean,,, So what!
I mean- I Mean, you're just afraid!
I am afraid? You're the one who's scared of you dead wife!
I saw what she did to the garlic! D you think I'm blind?
Rose, I know you think I'm crazy-
I don't think that you're crazy,
But actually I think you're scared! Because I think you're scared of what your life will be like without her,
Yes, I'm scared!
I am afraid and I'm fine with that,
If you don't help, Sarah is going to die!
That's all I meant!
But this wouldn't be making a mistake, This, would be not even tring!
♪ Satan, Satan ♪
♪ SATAN, SATAN ♪
World class,
♪ You still on my mind, Oh! And even though I manage on my own ♪
♪ My heart is low! My heart is so low, as only a woman's heart can be ♪
I saw the guitar there and,,, She really liked that song when she was small,
Is just lovely, Martin,
Especially sung in a male voice,
I have it on cassette and in my, uhm, car and I have it on cd at home,
Rose, I'm sorry about that,,, Mild burst,
_ No, it's ok, Anyway, you're right, like- - Listen Rose, it's ok,
You don't have to explain it to me, I understand what it's like,
Well,, we better go Martin,
That ectoplasm isn't going to collect itself!
So I better change my shirt!
Ok, anyways,
I'll wait downstairs, so,,,
This shirt's lovely on ya!
Thanks!
Is it a donut? Can I have a bit?
No,
Oh! That's Sailor there, ok,
Now, just so you know, she thinks we're on a date tonight, so,
Why?
She somehow, like, got the impression that we like, got giddy last night, like,,,
Like-
Or like-
I don't know, whatever it's like,
Gross,
I know, that's what I- She's demented, like,,
Not a chance!
Hi! Nice dress, it was granny's is it?
Oh, hi! You're Martin!
- Hello Sailor!- Hello Sailor, oh you have heard that one before, Martin?
And yeah, it's a nickname and no, I'm not gonna tell you my real name-
- Sailor, stop, would ya? So where is this baby then?
She's upstairs, There's no need to check on her,
I wasn't planning on it, do you know how long it takes me to get the stairs?
Yeah, just ring us if she wakes or anything,
And don't go upstairs!
- Straight away, just give us a ring, - All right, chillax!
- Geez, you two will get along just fine- - Seriously, don't go upstairs,
Go on!
Thanks, Sailor,
What a shit hole,
You have several new messages,
Christ,
My nana Diedra has appeared to me in the kichten,
I can't even face me cocoa puffs with her staring!
You think it looks like Hitler?
Or a turtle, maybe?
Or the Hamburgler?
Nah, it's definitely me nan' Diedra old eyes,
Why is he here? Watching me?
I mean, could nana Diedra have a message for you? Like-
She's annoyed about something?
I've collected a lot of money for a sponsored work,
There was no work,
I think she's warning me to change my crooked ways,
Bingo,
That's it, yeah,
I'll have a quick chat with her,
Good job,
Rose Dooley?
Your help would be greatly appreciated,
It's been weeping constantly for two days,
I'm quite spooked, actually,
These tears are Seven Up,
It's mother!
She adored Seven Up!
Ey chaps, the chips won't stay in the pan! The costumers are gonna leave us,
Is there anything you can do?
Good job Martin,
Excellent lads! See you out,
It's nearly dawn,
We are running out of time!
I spot him out in the back, going through me bins,
And how big was this, wolfman?
Hard to say, but geez, I wouldn't mess with him,
Out for blood, he was,
And you said he had ginger hair?
Oh definitely!
I shinned a torch on him and his hair was as orange as a- as a,,,,
,,, An orange?
####, that kinda colour you know?
Sniffy nose and uhm, sharp fangs argh!
I suppose if you were a red tempered person you'd became a ginger werewolf,
Four legs, and a long tail on him too!
Mr, Daily, was it a fox?
I'd say it was, yeah,
All right, Good night, so,
Good luck love, Will call again, soon!
Oh, shit! Me keys,
We're one short,
I can think of one more,
This place gives me the creeps,
Haven't been here in ages,
Just out here, yep,
Not since,,,
On the funeral actually,
That makes me feel bad, I should probably visit her grave more often,
You know, it's just around,,,
Here, actually,
What? This was your plan all evening, to bring me here?
I'm sorry, and I think you know what you need to do,
I'm a coward, Rose, We've already established that,
Beaten down, held captive by a dead person,
You never asked me how Bonnie died,
Well-
Yeah, there never seem to have a good time but,,,
I made Bonnie a wooden clock,
And everyday, at the exact time that we got married-
The little wooden me and the little wooden Bonnie would pop out and kiss,
It broke and killed her,
That wasn't a very good story!
It's not as good as yours,
I really didn't commit to it in the same way,
Eight years later,,,
Look what I've become!
Well, that's all changed now, ok?
Because this? This wasn't you fault!
You know what Rose? Since I've met you, you've made me see what's possible,
And I'm not talking about ghosts and spirits and all of that!
You've made me realize that,,,
Well, it's time!
I can move towards the light!
Me too, Martin!
You know, I used to think I was invisible,
Like, until this, I felt like I was a ghost too, You know?
And it's awful!
And I don't wanna feel like that anymore,
And I'm sure Bonnie doesn't want that for you either,
Thanks, Martin,
I never felt this alive!
And it's because you believed that I was real,
I know that we are gonna do it!
Save Sarah?
Yeah, obviously!
Let's do it!
- Ok,,, - Let's do it,
Who's this?
How was your date?
- Sailor! You have to go, I'm sorry, - What?
- Yeah, come on, - Brian, set me up there, will ya?
HI, I'm Brian Welsh by the way,
The local county counsel,
Shut up, Brian! Jesus,,,
She knows something's up!
What the fuck was that?
Yeah, no, we're running out of time, ok? We have to get her out now!
What? What's going on?
I don't have time to explain 'cause it can sack me a few minutes-
We have to exorcise his dead wife, Bonnie, or else we won't get the ectoplasm we need to save his daughter-
Because, otherwise she's gonna be ravished by hell demons,
- Just explained it there, ain't it Rose? - Yeah,
Anyway, I-I- I'll set up!
Okay, cool,
- I'm gonna head off, anyone in? - Shut up Brian, will ya?
Why didn't you tell me what was going on?
Well, cause you thought we had a date, like- And you were so proud of me, I don't know, it felt nice,
I'm always proud of you,
Thickhead,
Thanks,
So, nothing going on then?
Nah,,,
- Ok, all set up, Rose! - Ok, great!
Would you want me to stay?
Would you?
- Yeah, help me up! - Ok,
- Rose? -Yeah?
This is actually fucking deadly,
So exciting!
So cool you're using your talent again,
Brian!
Now!
I seal this pact with a drop of blood!
Now,
You're ready?
Oh, spirit on the road between life and death, I call out to you!
Open now the gate, so that the living may speak with the dead!
I summon the hence onto thos realm,
Bonnie Martin, Of 25, Parkmoore Drive-
My spirit compels thee to show yourself!
Bonnie?
Get the fuck out of my house!
Bonnie?
Sailor, can I go home?
I see what's going on here,,,
- You fancy my Martin! - No!
You just wanna get rid of me so you can get your dirty paws on him!
That's not it at all!
Martin is mine!
Sarah! Is mine,
An this house is mine,
Bonnie! You loved Martin and Martin loved you! But-
Do you remember your wedding day?
Do you remember what you told him?
No anal?
Didn't you also say to him "until death do us part"?
Bonnie, I'm so sorry but it's time for you to part!
The hair of the local witch,
Now to block her talents!
- What's wrong? - I don't know,
Someone's interfering with me talents!
Break the holding spell!
Look at your there,
On your knees, like a ragged down low whore,
A vote for me is a vote for progress,
Rose, c'mon! Trust you talents!
You wish to be ordinary?
Allow me to grant that wish!
Bonnie Martin! Look for safe place,
Trouble the living no more!
Leave this space and this realm!
Oh, Jesus!
Brian?!
Get a handful of that, take those jars and run upstairs and rub into his daughter face!
- Right now! - Quickly, hurry up!
Good lad!
Ok, Martin? Wake up!
Martin? You said you were gonna make me a tool!
Oh no! It's happening again!
O Martin, I'm so sorry!
Rose?
What?
Martin? Is that you?
- I'm here, - You are?
Oh my god!
Rose!
I knew it you dirty whore!
No!
Martin?
Martin can't come to the phone right now,,,
So get the fuck out of my house!
Oh my god! Ok-
MArtin? I'm just gonna try something ok?
Did you just slap me?
Yeah, sorry,
It's-it's ok, what happened?
I kinda went wrong,
- There's no one up there! - What?
Sarah!
She's gone! What did you do?
Martin, leave her alone,
Where is she?
I've messed up and, she's been summoned to the sacrifice!
Oh no,,,
Martin, I'm so, so sorry!
I'm shite? I'm a slut?
Is that what you were going to say?
Ehm, is Martin possessed now?
Bonnie!
No! No one talks to my sister like that! NO!
Hello mister magpie!
I think I need your help,
Blokes! Stop fighting!
We need to follow this magpie!
Follow the bird,
Ah, that makes sense,
Wait! You're going too fast!
You'll let them get away,
Hey, let me drive this shitehole!
We lost him! We lost mister magpie!
- Thanks for the lift anyway guys, just let me off here, - Stop Brian, will ya?
Bonnie? Bonnie, Sarah is being kidnapped,
What? Martin, you eejit!
No, leave him alone!
How in god's name did you manage that?
It's not Martin's fault!
Of course it is! He's a tick!
That isn't true and you need to leave him alone,
You've been holding him hostage up in that house for years!
Himself and poor Sarah!
I'm sorry about her!
Wait, is that her?
Hold on!
She is not a baby?
It's Christian Winter!
It's Christian Winter this whole time?
- Creepy little fucking- - Satanist!
Ill tempest, The local witch,
Yeah, I said boiled rice is fine!
How long?
Ok, but if it's any later I won't be paying,
There are more pressing matters my dear,
Sarah!
Martin?
Martin, no!
No, Martin, don't wake her!
No, Martin! Never wake a floating goat!
Darling, set your lock in, please,
You unsacrifice my daughter right now, before I come in there and pull those stupid bloody eyebrows off!
Refrain from shouting, you'll wake the virgin and ruin this for everyone!
Come here you little,,,
Jesus Christ, you're like a pair of school girls!
Oh fuck this!
Ah, the virgin!
Zip! I wanna get home before my chinese arrives!
Is this yours?
Oh! My index finger!
Everybody! Get into the fucking car!
Winter is a dead man!
Let my new age of darkness begin,
We're almost out of time! Anyone have any ideas?
How about we ring the bell and pretend we're delivering something?
Jesus, Brian,
See? I was right!
Good one, Brian! Your contributions are getting better!
The mongol in the back was right,
Here we go! All thanks to Brian!
Yes! High-fives, everyone!
Oh, sorry, high-four, Bonnie,
I think it's weird you brought the bird,
Hold on mate, I said special fried rice, not boiled!
Sorry, Miss, the dock says boiled-
Special fried,
- No, look, boiled- Special fried! Can you not hear me? Are you deaf?
If you're deaf you really shouldn't be taking phone orders,
I'll be back as soon as I can,
Fifteen minutes or it's free!
Hear me powers of the night!
The Blood Moon is nigh!
I offer this sacrifice in honor of you!
Chinese is here, love!
I got it for free, too!
I can't wait, I'm starving! I'll put yours out for you though,
I offer this sacrifice, in honor of you,
Sanctified with virgin blood!
- And with this impure bloo- - Spoons or chopsticks, love?
Spoon or chopsticks?
Please dear!
I'm in the middle of some-
Now, with virgin blood,
and with impure blood,
I pray you'll accept this sacrifice, or let life be ever extinguished from my soul!
I know she's floating and that looks really good and all, but-
If the demon is just gonna fuck her a bit, and then tear her to pieces,
why don't we just kill the bitch?
Wich is mine?
The kung pao,,,
Thank you,
Goodnight my sweet,
Now where was I? Ah, yes,
That's the door!
Ok, Now, nobody be scared, ok?
Brian, I'm in labor! Those two contractions were very close together!
Oh shit, Sailor!
Ok, you just sit down on here now, I'll tell Rose,
You will not!
You keep your mouth shut, do you hear me? There's much more important things going on right now,
More important? How could it be more important?
Brian!
- I'm sorry,,, - Ok, good man,
Just stick with me in case I need ya, ok?
Come on,
Impure blood!
I pray you'll accept my sacrifice!
- Or let life be ever extinguished from my soul! - Sarah!
What have you done to her?
Yeah, and give me back my scrunchie!
Can one man just sacrifice a virgin in peace?
No, Christian! Put her down!
This is over!
No, my dear,,,
Quite the opposite,
It's working!
- No! - No!
God no! God, no,,,
Sarah!
I'm ba-ack!
♪ Just another beautiful tuesday! With a the moon lit night at the castle ♪
♪ Yeah! Bye-bye, bye at the docks ♪
God! It's not working! Why isn't it working? I killed my wife for this!
- And two virgins! - I'm going to fucking kill you-
You talentless prick!
Your daughter's life was my paint brush, she helped me create a masterpiece!
A two disk masterpiece called: Yester me!
To be hon- I think, Tittle TBC,
Martin, be careful, you're finger,,,
You fight like a girl!
- You're right, dickhead! - Bonnie,,,
You killed my Sarah, you puntz!
You have a strange fight etiquette!
Sarah? Sarah!
What?
Sarah!
Burger and chips?
Oh, my baby girl!
- Thank god! - Noo!
Get back in there! Get back in the hole!
I don't think this is over!
Oh shit, Charlie!
The Dark Lord!
I've done a small wee,
I am Astaroth!
Hello!
Eater of souls!
Which one of you mortals summoned me forth?
I did! That'd be me, Astaroht, my Lord and Master!
Oh, it's wonderful to meet you, finally!
Let me serenade thee, my keyboards are just killer!
Silence!
You have broken our contract!
Now, we will feast on your soul!
I-I-I sent you a virgin, I followed the instruction, my Lord!
Did you really think you can deceive us?
She is no virgin!
What?
Wes, she is!
Uh oh!
Sarah?
Is that true?
My precious flower,,,
Deflowered, more like, Martin?
Was it Charlie Dawn, that little fucker? I knew he was sniffing around!
Who said it was a guy anyway?
Martin, It doesn't matter, ok?
We can deal with this tomorrow,
You are grounded, young lady!
Stop!
Kids start so early these days!
Silence! The Dark Ones must be satisfied!
The ritual must be completed!
We need another virgin!
But I have not prepared any more virgins!
There're- There are no more virgins!
We'll take that one!
Me?
What?
Really?
No!
Hardly!
Hold on! What about Deklin O'Donnel?
Yeah! What about Deklin O'Donnel?
Only the tip went in,
Tremendous news!
Now, come!
No, you're grand Thank you, though,
Come,
No!
HOld on!
Martin, do something, would ya?
I'm not strong enough!
Oh god!
Kill it!
I've seen you about the town, you filth beast,
Never liked you mush to b-
You damned, filthy winged rat!
Just let go, there's no point in all of us getting dragged into hell!
I really don't wanna lose you!
- Oh my god you're having a baby! - I am!
Well, there's something that you could do!
If I'm no longer a virgin, I'd be safe!
- But I- - YOu know, if we get giddy!
If we do it!
Here? like-
Better than being gang banged by demons in hell!
God, ok!
Do you know how to do that?
I absolutely don't!
Just get the fuck down there and figure it out!
- You know, normally I do a lot more foreplay! - Ok,
But we have limited time and my good finger is,,,
Don't worry about it!
There's something coming out of one of the holes!
- It's a baby! - Definitively!
DO you need me to kind of, uhm,,,
Oh, I see what you 're doing now, yeah, yeah,
Oh perfect! Oh thank you
Alright, yeah,
He likes it when you cup his balls,
Hey, Bonnie!
That's a little advice, you know? Girl to girl,
Ok!
What are they doing?
Oh, we're only doing this so Rose won't be a virgin!
What?
And because we're madly in love!
Kiss me, you fool!
My good eye!
Rose, really? No way! Oh fuuuuuuck!
You animals! She must remain pure!
Hey Sarah? Stop him!
In retrospect, perhaps I should've just killed the bitch!
No!
Oh, thank you Bonnie!
That is just what I needed,
Look after them for me, would you?
Not his balls! Martin and Sarah,
Yeah,,,
I didn't for a second think you meant his balls,
And I'll definitively mind Sarah and Martin,]
Look after his balls too!
Yeah, alright, Bye Bonnie!
Now I can tell everybody that my first time was a threesome!
Oh my god! Could that be possible? That that's our,,,
Oh no,,, What?
He's so cute!
Oh my god, Sailor! Like, how did you manage to do this?
Brian helped her,
Congratulations, Brain,
Wow! Hi dotie! Hello baba!
Rose? he's dying,
Oh my god,
Martin, we need to do it again,
Wow, relax Rose, I know you're making up for lost time b-
NO, I don't mean that, I mean-
There's a spirit in there?
I just thought it was a sound bird,
Oh, spirit on the road between life and death, I call onto you now,
Open up the gates so that the living may speak to the dead!
Rose, girl, It's me,
Daddy!
It really is you?
I'm so so sorry!
No, Rose, You did nothing wrong!
Sure you were only a- UhnUhO!
Child,
No, I should've saved you,
Rose,,,
There's nothing to feel gulty about,
Just, look at all the people you have just saved!
Daddy!
Is it really you?
There's someone I want you to meet!
Oh, Faddie,
Daddy, I told you never to call me that,
Yes, sorry! Sailor,
Look after each other, won't you?
Of course we will, but daddy, we just miss you so much!
I know, Rose,
I'll always be watching you two,
Now, Rose, I'm sorry but I must go,
Fly into the light daddy!
Fly towards the light, pops!
I love you!
Rose, you did it!
- Martin? - He's free!
Vincent,
His name is Vincent,
I think he's hungry,
There's some of Christian's curry sauce over there, do you reckon he'd eat that?
No,
Hello?
Oh,sorry to interrupt,
I have special fried rice here,
And some free chicken balls to say sorry for the mix up!
Yes!
I am starving!
Three months later,
- Heya! - Hi-i!
How are you?
Well what do you think?
Wow, that looks great!
- Yeah? - Yeah! Lovely,
It's good, isn't it?
Yeah! Y- Extraordinary is one word though,
Oh, is it?
It's grand, we'll fix it later,
Oh yeah?
There's,,, Something I wanted to talk to you about,
Well, you know how much you mean for me and Sarah,
Yeah, of course! And that you really like, mean the world to me as well!
Well,,,
Oh my god!
We could do this earlier,
Rose Dooley-
Will you marry me?
No!
THE END