رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال
♪ Peace be still ♪
♪ My darling ♪
♪ All is well ♪
♪ My darling ♪
♪ Your anxious heart may as well be stone ♪
♪ Oh, it weighs you down deeper than you know ♪
♪ Yeah, it weighs you down deeper than you know ♪
♪ Peace be still ♪
♪ My darling ♪
♪ All is well ♪
♪ My darling ♪
♪ Your anxious heart may as well be stone ♪
♪ Oh, it weighs you down deeper than you know ♪
♪ Yeah, it weighs you down deeper than you know ♪
♪ Oh darling, don't be scared ♪
♪ Of time changing us both ♪
♪ Death will meet our bodies ♪
♪ But you'll never touch my soul ♪
♪ If you are afraid ♪
♪ Well, heavens, don't let go ♪
♪ 'Cause darling, I will stay ♪
♪ As we grow old ♪
♪ Oh darling, don't be scared ♪
♪ Of time changing us both ♪
♪ Death will meet our bodies ♪
♪ But you'll never touch my soul ♪
♪ And if you are afraid ♪
♪ Well, heavens, don't let go ♪
♪ 'Cause darling, I will stay ♪
♪ As we grow old ♪
♪ We'll grow old ♪
♪ My darling ♪
♪ I can't remember when I started ♪
♪ And I'm scared of the thought ♪
Die, motherfucker!
♪ Not long now ♪
♪ It's time to say ♪
Sorry, Kimmy,
Ah!
Oh, how could you, Kimmy?
You were the best of us,
What are you smiling at?
Oh,
Sorry, I didn't know I was
smiling,
Yeah,
Did you call me a motherfucker?
Sorry, it all happened really fast,
I loved it!
If you two break anything in here again,
you're both fired,
Don't worry, he's fired me like 10 times,
Hey,
do you have a second to talk about the coffee bar?
Coffee?
Yeah, well, we were thinking-
We?
Violet and I,
If the two of you
and your friends stop fucking around,
we might actually get some customers in here,
Ones that don't need coffee in order to buy a comic book,
I told you not to mention me this time,
He loves you, hates me,
Okay, he doesn't hate you,
Just doesn't like you very much,
And this whole thing was your idea, by the way,
You said you were on board,
I'm so on board,
But it's a great idea and I want to make it happen,
But, we can't do it alone,
I'd buy coffee from a comic book shop,
I appreciate that love,
But your mom doesn't let you drink coffee,
I'd still buy one though,
Time to clock out, Princess,
Your chariot awaits,
Take that Shirley Temple,
Don't say I never got you nothing,
Where's Tess?
In the Virgin Mobile,
Well, you're early, so you're gonna have to wait,
Oh, I'll cover for you,
It's just inventory,
Are, are you okay?
Well,
Fuck,
Oh, I mean the date went fine,
but then he said he preferred
air borne clean, which makes no sense,
'Cause everyone knows he's hotter when
he is dirty and depressed, so,
I mean, obviously I had to leave,
Piece of shit,
Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
Uh-oh,
Um, I'm not really sure how to ask you this,
Oh, you're freezing,
There we go,
There,
Thanks,
So what's the selection this week?
Huh?
Oh,
"Where Are Thou?"
Yeah, it's, it's about the conspiracies,
like Shakespeare's ghost writer, the Death
of Edgar Allan Poe, Van Gogh and stuff,
Are we dating?
What?
Is, is that what you're gonna ask me?
No,
Oh, um,
well now I feel kind of stupid,
No, no, I, I mean,
we are, aren't we?
Well, yeah, that's kind of what I was hoping,
Me too, Kind of, Definitely,
Because I know we sort of skipped a few steps,
but I also, you're a, you're initially very assertive
and stuff, so I just wanted to ask you officially
if you wanted to be my girlfriend,
Is that a yes?
Ask me again tomorrow,
So is it not a bad time to ask or?
It was a bad time, right?
What's up love birds? - Ow!
You two are so fucking cute,
I just wanna rip you both in half,
Stop,
Stealing jackets now, are we?
Oh, contrary, as I believe we are still
in the denial phase, are we not?
Wee wee,
All we ask is you share when you finally gaze
upon his Haagen-Dazs,
Moving on,
Has he Frodod your Baggins?
Garbanzod your beans?
Stop,
You're lucky,
at least you got potential,
Dating scene is shit,
But you're always talking to boys,
Cute boys,
Yeah, well it's all talk,
These youths are scared shitless,
Youths?
You're 26,
They're so timid,
"What are your pronouns?"
Who cares? You wanna fuck me or not?
And then when they do,
it's a real like silent lunch situation, you know?
Wow,
Reduce space,
Hey!
Violet,
don't,
Attention, this is your captain speaking,
We have reached cruising altitude
and will not be exceeding 45 miles an hour
for the remainder of the flight,
despite the speed limit being 55,
We thank you for riding with us
on overbearing Parents Airlines
and we hope you enjoy your flight,
Hey-o, when's the beverage cart rolling by?
All in favor of a slushie, Say aye,
Ooh, Aye, - Aye,
Oh, I fucking love a slushie,
So second grade?
Yeah,
Remember Buck-Toothed Chuck?
Why do you keep calling him that?
Buck-Toothed Chuck,
You know who he was?
He literally didn't even have that messed up teeth,
He did, He did,
He had like the one,,, He had the two bucked,
One wonky tooth,
No, it was two,
Why do you keep calling him that?
He had two-bucked teeth,
Remember?
He had one little, stub of a tooth,
You guys are assholes,
You were obsessed with him,
I was seven years old,
He goes by Charlie now,
Hey V,
I forgot my wallet in the car,
Can you spot me?
Yeah,
Funions,
I love you,
I got you,
Thanks,
He goes on Charlie now,
Muh-lah
Should we have given her sugar?
Nope,
What the hell was that?
You didn't shit your pants,
It was a fart,
Just a fart,
Violet!
Oh my God,
Violet!
What?
Are you nucking futs?
We can't go near that thing,
Why not? - Why not?
It could be a satellite, a missile, radiation,
a symbio could jump out and turn you into an emo,
I'm not gonna touch it,
I'm just gonna take a look,
Violet, No,
Just get back in the car,
We can go home and pretend like this didn't happen,
I need to see it,
That thing almost killed us,
Tess, are you hearing yourself?
Look at your car,
Look,
Something this spectacular happens to us
of all people in Graham County of all places,
and you're not even willing to take a look,
What happened to Ex Astris Scientia?
Damn it Violet, I'm a barista,
Not a member of Starfleet,
Well, I'm gonna go down there,
You can either come with me or not,
You could die,
That's fine,
Well shit!
You guys coming?
Fuck yeah,
I'm sort of freaking out guys,
Oh, come on Kimmy, It'll be fun,
Oh,
uh, you okay Kimmy?
All right, just keep the van running, Okay?
Mm-hmm,
Okay,
Oh my God,
Gertie, you only had to run like 15 feet,
I wanna touch it,
Touch nothing,
What is it?
Now, I really want to touch it,
Absolutely not,
We were never here,
We didn't see anything,
This never happened,
What about your Trekky programming?
It's prohibited to interfere
with civilizations you might encounter on an expedition,
Guys!
Someone's coming!
Just breathe honey, Okay?
Gas is the one on the right, Tess,
I'm avoiding suspicion,
We're fleeing a UFO crash site
in the Starship Enterprise, Step on it,
I don't even know where we're going,
Your house,
We can't go to my house, My dad's home,
He always knows when I'm lying,
Fucking Steve,
Just go to my house,
What about your mom?
She's working late, Just go,
Reduce speed,
Shut the fuck up,
Well slap my ass and call me Sally,
What the hell do you make of that?
I don't know,
Looks like an angry little pickle to me,
Man, I gotta get a picture of this shit,
Ain't nobody gonna believe that,
Old tight little feller,
say cheese,
I don't need a photo,
No!
You are gonna have to turn around, ma'am,
It's Sheriff,
And we're on a call,
You're gonna need to move this vehicle,
Ms, Ledesma has already been evacuated,
Evacuated, Why?
A drill ruptured
an underground gas line causing an explosion,
Uh,
an explosion?
Were there any injuries?
No one was injured,
But for the safety of both of you and others,
we can't allow anyone beyond this point,
Your supervisor should have called,
The authorities have been made aware, ma'am,
She likes to go by Sheriff,
And as far as explosions go,
how big of an explosion are we talking?
Say like a scale of John Wu to Michael Bay?
What authorities?
Graham County stretches for the next 10 miles,
I assure you we are more than capable
of containing this problem,
Finnegan, you radio Macy tell her it was a,
a gas line,
Yes, Sheriff,
So what would you say if I just haul ass
and blow right past this cute little barrier of yours?
How far you think I'd get?
You have yourself a nice night, Sheriff,
Well, he seemed nice,
Full of horse shit is what he is,
Oh,
Sheriff, do you think he was fibbing?
You ever met Mrs, Ledesma?
Yes,
How'd that go?
She spit on my tie,
You know, she owns the 200 acres from here to Richmond?
Uh,
yeah, I do,
She strike you as the type of woman
who would let anyone drill on her land?
No, I do not,
Exactly,
Uh, Sheriff,
are you in a rush to get somewhere
'cause we're going off awful fast,
Where do you think?
You took the egg?
What the fuck, Violet?
I know, okay,
I, I couldn't just leave it there,
This is bad,
No it's not,
We don't even know what this is,
This is so fucking bad,
Kind of looks like an ostrich egg,
Ostrich eggs aren't that big
or blue,
Oh,
So do we
need to keep it warm like in one
of those inquisition thingies,
Mm-hmm, - Incubator?
It's what I said,
What do we do when it hatches?
Why are you all talking like we're keeping it?
My cousin works at a chicken farm,
They have incubators,
Where's that?
Hickory?
That's like four hours away, dude,
You're not serious,
No, it is like four hours,
No, I mean we have to turn that into the authorities
or animal control or something, like now,
Hey Tess, you don't think we're really gonna get
in trouble for this, do you?
No Kimmy, Tess is just being paranoid,
You bet your ass we're gonna get in trouble,
The government will be here like any minute or worse,
Any second?
The men in black, they could wipe our minds
or give us fake memories
that drive us crazy when we're old and 40,
We're not turning the egg into anyone,
Why the hell not?
We didn't ask for this to happen,
but it's our responsibility now,
Look at us V,
We can't protect anything,
I,
have to pee,
When you gotta go, you gotta go,
What was the response time?
14 minutes,
You tracked this thing from space
and you couldn't get here faster than 14 minutes?
Given the sensitive nature of your reports,
we felt that helicopters would cause too much-
I wanna know where it is
and who took it,
We have scans obtained by one of our technicians,
You know who took it?
No sir,
No?
Well, yes in a general sense,
based on the scans of the footprints,
we believe it's three women or short men,
Three women?
Or short men, plus the driver,
Witnesses?
We detoured all traffic in the area
and local law enforcement has been told
there was a gas line explosion,
What about the local?
Did she see anyone?
Catherine Ledesma,
We had to sedate her before she was evacuated,
So it's gonna be at least a couple of hours
before she can be questioned,
In the meantime, we have a team searching
for security cameras in the area
that may have caught something,
I'll do you one better,
Fuck,
Guys, I have to tell you something,
Mom, what are you doing here?
Your mom was just telling us about the explosion,
What explosion?
The one near Mrs, Ledesma's,
I knew it was on your way home,
so I just wanted to make sure you were okay,
We didn't see an explosion,
Kimmy just said you guys saw it,
Well we more heard it than saw it,
Was anybody hurt?
Yeah, is everything okay?
Not sure,
They're not letting us anywhere near it,
It was some sort of gas line explosion,
They?
I'm just glad you're okay,
Give me,
Really?
You're acting paranoid, if you are smoking pot,
do not let me find it,
Thanks Mrs, Schaffer,
Did you hear what she just said?
We can smoke pot?
They, Who's they?
G Men,
The Feds,
The Man,
Tess, I'm starting to buy into your paranoia,
Thank you,
So what were you gonna tell us?
It doesn't matter right now,
I think we should split,
Chicken Farm?
Chicken farm,
I fucking love chickens,
Uh,
Is Violet Schaffer home?
Sheriff!
This should be good,
Ma'am,
Sheriff,
This is your daughter, Correct?
Is she in some kind of trouble?
Ma'am,
Sheriff,
Sheriff, She may have been in contact
with something extremely dangerous earlier this evening,
It's important we speak with her immediately,
Gas line my ass,
Violet!
Oh um,
she's not here,
What do you mean she's not here?
Well, her and her friends took off like 10 minutes ago,
Where did they go?
Uh,
Reduce speed,
♪ I've been fine, but here lately ♪
♪ This doesn't- ♪
Let's name it,
We're not naming it
because we're not keeping it,
Something cool like Gabriel or Jonathan,
I love Jonathan, - Yeah,
We are not naming it Jonathan,
♪ That never- ♪
He'll be safe at the farm,
No one knows we're going there,
Why do you have to leave our phones?
Feds can use it to track us,
♪ Dead-End job- ♪
Guys?
♪ Oh ♪
♪ My name is- ♪
The fuzz, - What do I do?
Keep driving,
Oh my God, Oh my God,
Violet!
Just drive casually,
Are they turning around?
♪ I drive my job- ♪
Nope,
♪ I fill it with it hate ♪
♪ She fills me with joy ♪
What are you doing?
I'm not,
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
What the fuck is that?
Hand over the egg
or be destroyed,
Gun!
Nothing's working,
Kimmy, don't let go!
I got it!
Guys!
Kimmy get back in the car!
Jonathan's slipping!
Can't you stop this thing?
Oh, great idea, Violet!
The car's driving itself,
What happened?
I don't know,
Tess!
Ah!
You see the, uh,,, Yeah,
Standing in front of the,,, U-huh,
Hey,
Is the egg okay?
You, big eyes, can you still drive?
U-huh,
All right, we don't have much time,
Follow me and keep close, Got it?
Hey, do you need any help?
Hi, - Hello,
I require your assistance,
So,
who wants to talk first?
You want me to go first?
Yeah, that'd be good,
Okay, My name's Dave,
Hi Dave,
Clearly you have no idea
what you've gotten yourselves into, right?
Right on,
Well,
welcome to the government's best kept secret,
That egg you're holding is
a Sherba egg,
A Sherba?
What's a Sherba?
I'm a Sherba,
And that Sherba is a female,
The last of our kind,
The last female?
La Ultima Chica, my friend
Jonathan's a girl,
Where are you from?
I mean, I don't wanna assume,
but you're from another planet, right?
A moon actually,
What about that guy that attacked us
with the fucked up eyes?
Mind control,
Probably just the dude at the right place
at the wrong time,
Mind controlled by who?
Bugs,
Bugs?
It's an abbreviation,
Of what?
How's this exposition working out for you guys?
You wanna keep up the 21 questions
or you would just wanna,
Lord of the Rings prologue this shit?
Prologue is good,
Nearly 300 years ago they discovered our moon
and bugs are greedy, blood thirsty parasites
who destroy any world they deem unworthy,
Not entirely like death star style,
but, systematically
by eliminating
the most vulnerable part
of a civilization,
In my case,
they ended
the reproduction of my species,
I've heard horror stories from other planets,
but if you ask me, their method for us was pretty fucked up,
We were on the run when my brother
found out he was carrying,
Carrying what?
My niece,
Where I'm from the males give birth,
Word,
So if this is your brother's kid, where is he?
Does, does he know she's safe?
Well,
if she's here,
that probably means he didn't have a choice,
I'm sorry,
Yeah, I'm just glad you all got to her first,
She was supposed to land here,
but I don't imagine my brother had time
to put in exact coordinates,
I have a question,
Shoot,
Why are you here?
Well, I mean,
we thought it was the last place anyone would look,
At the time, you guys had just set off an atom bomb,
Oh no, I meant Graham County,
Lots of trees,
Nice neighbors,
You heard of the Graham County Bigfoot?
Yeah,
I'm the Graham County Bigfoot,
Circling back to that whole atomic bomb thing,
You mean the Atomic bomb?
Oppenheimer himself,
So you've been here since 1945?
We landed in '47 out in New Mexico,
The Roswell crash, that was you?
Why does everybody make
such a big deal out of that?
I, don't you have a parking job
or two you weren't proud of?
Wait, wait, wait, How old are you?
For like, context purposes?
237, my dude,
Whoa! You look great,
So what happens now?
We give you the egg and then we can go home, right?
Well it's not quite that simple,
I mean, you four finding the egg is the best thing
that could have happened,
What do you mean?
There's only
so many places I can go to keep her safe,
Whereas you four can go pretty much
wherever you want without causing,
you know, mass hysteria,
V, can I talk to you for a sec?
What are you talking about?
We found the egg's home,
It's safe and now it's time for us to go,
Were you not listening?
On what planet is it safe?
Exactly, This is so much worse,
We're in the middle of an intergalactic planetary conflict
that we have nothing to do with,
Dump the egg with the furry and let's go
before our parents freak out,
No,
What do you mean, no?
I'm not abandoning Jonathan,
Jesus Christ V, it's an egg from space!
I don't care!
We didn't ask for this to happen,
I know, Tess,
I'm aware of what it is
and I'm scared and I don't need you reminding me
every two seconds that I'm making a mistake,
Why is this so important to you?
If Kimmy and Gertie wanna go back with you, that's fine,
I'm seeing this through, with or without you,
You have to go,
Someone's tripped the sensor,
Bugs?
I don't know, You'll need this,
Whoa! - No!
What are you doing? You're not coming with?
Get it as far as you can,
Some more densely populated with heavy machinery,
It'll confuse their tracking,
Oh wait, those things are tracking us,
They can track the egg's incubation band,
if they get a strong enough signal,
Well, can't you just take it off?
I mean, how important is it?
It's the only thing keeping it from hatching,
And I am not quite ready to be a parent at the moment,
I promise to keep her safe,
We second that,
Sounds great,
I deem you four the fellowship of the egg,
Let's go, let's go,
I'm not going with you guys,
What? Why not? - Tess?
I'm going home, And you should too,
What about Jonathan?
Guys, it's fine, She can go,
You guys gotta go now, Just take my car,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news here,
but I don't think any of us know how to drive a stick,
You could take the van,
I'll find a ride,
Are you sure?
Whatever you guys are gonna do, do it now,
Come on,
Wait!
You don't wanna forget this,
Get home safe,
I will,
Holy fuck!
Kid, you gotta get outta here,
Don't move! - Shit!
Lemme see your hands!
Dave?
Hey buddy,
Where in the hell is my daughter?
What the hell is that thing?
What's up?
What did she say to you?
Why would she bail on us?
Look, I don't blame her,
I wouldn't call this an ideal Saturday night,
What are you talking about?
We're a couple of gals out saving
an alien race from extinction,
What's not ideal, V?
Uh, hey hun,
don't power on the ray gun while we're in the car,
You might kill us all,
Do you know where you're going?
Sit back and relax babes, with me at the wheel,
you got nothing to worry about,
Well,
Shit,
Ow,
Where is my daughter?
I don't know,
They left me behind,
Violet left you behind?
Yes!
No,
I was afraid that something like this would happen or worse,
So you let your best friend,
my baby, just run off into the night
with dangerous property you just stole from the government,
From the government?
We didn't steal anything,
We saved it, Violet saved it,
Okay, you know what,
just tell me where they're headed,
Respectfully Mrs, Shaffer,
I ain't no snitch,
Are you fucking kidding me right now?
Okay, That's great, That's great,
We'll just see what your parents say when they get here,
You called my parents?
Yes I did,
Are you fucking kidding me?
Have you met my parents?
Yes, I've met your parents,
I met them
at a back to school night, I think,
Oh my God, What's the matter? What?
They're gonna kill me,
They're not gonna kill you,
I, I didn't even call 'em,
You don't understand,
I, I can't be the problematic one,
They don't even talk to my sister anymore
'cause they caught her watching porn,
What are they going to do to me?
I never do anything wrong,
I don't smoke,
I don't drink,
I don't talk to cute boys I like,
Honey, Why?
My mom's a lawyer, My dad's a fucking psychiatrist,
One of them cross-examining me
while the other one's reading my body language,
They disapprove of everything that I love,
My dad almost gave himself a hernia
when I went to with the boy who wasn't Jewish,
I should have gone with V,
I wanted to,
All I could think about was my fucking parents,
Oh,
Come here, Come here,
You're tracking the egg, how?
You gave your word,
You wouldn't get involved,
Your brother wanted a fail safe,
What fail safe?
In case you couldn't protect it,
I'm sorry, but clearly you can't,
You should be sorry,
Gambling on the fate of my species,
We could make more Dave,
By murdering her!
We don't know that,
There's a high probability the egg would survive,
It's not your job to decide,
Government has already decided,
And so did your brother,
When are you gonna realize
that this is bigger than you and me?
Bigger than your brother,
Your dad was the first human we met,
He was kind,
Don't, - And he was honest,
Don't,
You can't hold him over me like this,
You may have known him, but he was my fucking dad,
That's right,
And I think he'd be ashamed,
Coward,
Agent Howell?
I have a witness to talk to,
Hey, be nice to that girl,
I need two agents to meet me at the back gate
and bring one prep kit
and a diet coke,
All right, spill the beans,
Tell me the story between you and a
secret agent man over there,
Oh, you mean
besides the fact that he wants to dissect my niece?
Sheesh,
Sounds like a great guy,
Oh yeah,
I don't know,
Yeah, I should give him some slack,
Why is that?
Ah, his dad just died,
You two, like really know each other,
Yeah,
Pop was a good guy,
Big shoes to fill,
Hmm,
I should have called,
but, you know how it is,
Yeah, I know how it is,
Sheriff?
All right, when I come back,
you're gonna tell me
about my daughter's involvement in this,
Oh, hey!
Congrats grandma!
Huh, fricking asshole, Jesus Christ,
Oh,
shit, she doesn't know,
Push!
I'm pushing!
See if anyone's here,
I'll check,
Oh, but just try to be discreet,
We're trying to lay low,
Hello!
We have a car that needs to be fixed,
Gertie, that's not discreet,
What's with the banging man?
Are you a mechanic?
Yeah, What do you want?
Well, do you sell industrial printers?
What the fuck do you think we want?
Our car broke down,
What the hell is that thing?
Sir, can you help us or not?
We're kind of in a rush,
Absolutely not,
That is the worst idea I've ever heard,
It actually is something we do all the time,
It's more humane for us to wipe someone's memory
than to just let them live
after experiencing something like an alien abduction,
What you're na,
you're not gonna wipe my memory,
are you?
Yes, we are,
Are there any long-term side effects?
Rarely,
Great,
Where's the girl?
Ah, just leave the girl out of it, Hal!
You are this close,
this close to being locked up in a lab,
Ah, munch me ya knob jockey,
Sir, the girl,
she's gone,
Why are you smoking?
My bad?
Put out an a APB on the girl and her friends,
I wanna make sure-
Hey!
You listen to me now and hear me later, city boy,
I don't give a flying fuck
about what you think you have jurisdiction over!
But,,, That is my daughter
and her friends that you have wrapped up in all of this,
And I swear to God,
you so much as such a hair on their heads
and I will fucking end you!
Do you understand me?
Yes ma'am,
Sheriff,
I don't know about you, but I am moist,
Hmm,
Hmm as in you know what's wrong?
Your radiator cap flew off,
Probably wasn't screwed on right,
Well, that's no big deal,
Easy fix, right?
Easy as the day is long,
Have you back on the road in like 30 minutes,
Great, - Woo,
How much?
Uh,
600,
Uh,
What?
Maybe I didn't hear you right buddy,
Say that one more time,
Oh, y'all being in such a rush, that's extra,
Plus you need a part that I'm in short supply of,
that's extra,
The right coolant, that's extra,
And the fact that I should be sleeping right now
instead of dealing with you three, that's extra,
I'll show you extra,
If you don't have the money, that's fine,
I'd be happy to roll your shit box to the curb,
Free of charge,
You can't leave us stranded,
We'll report you,
To who?
You gonna bitch on Yelp,
Newsflash, This is a mechanic,
Nobody's happy here,
Now get out,
Nerd,
Say what?
Journey of sorcerers,
So?
So, ya any good?
You dare question my skills in my own domain,
Well, charisma's, obviously your dump stat,
That sounds like a challenge,
Hmm, let's call it a bet, skittle-tits,
One hour, and I'll give you the greatest campaign
you've ever experienced, hands down,
Gertie, what are you doing?
You know, one shot that's literally impossible,
Plus you're going off on my personal opinion,
Bet me, bitch!
Fine,
We don't have time for this,
When I win, I get to keep the shit box,
Fine,
No Gertie, I'm not gonna let you do this,
Not right now,
Violet, you have to trust me,
I know what I'm doing,
But this guy's not gonna let you-
Violet!
When I win, which I will,
You fix the ride,
Give her a tune up
and I dunno, check the tire pressure,
And disable parental control,
And disable parental speed control,
A tuneup?
Yeah,
That's extra, for being a dick,
Deal,
Hey kid!
I need to borrow your bike,
Sure,
Really?
If he buy us some White Claws then, it's yours,
White claws? What are you rushing a sorority?
He has a gluten allergy,
Okay, well I don't have any money
and I'm kind of short on time, so,
Then no bike,
I'll, I'll show you my tits,
Fine,
So no White Claws then?
Move over, you fucking homeschooler,
Later assholes!
You can confirm it's them,
No, tail them if they leave, but do not engage,
I want a team posted outside that garage
with heavy artillery,
Tell them to-
Where are Dave and the Sheriff?
Well, they said,
that you said they could take the car,
They said that,
I said,
and you let them take the car?
Yeah, you're a fun cop, I like you,
Thrilling,
Maybe you can tell me what my daughter is supposed
to be doing with this
egg thing,
Well, that egg thing is my niece
and your daughter is
the only thing keeping her safe,
Oh man, I hate to burst your bubble,
but
my daughter can't even keep a plant alive,
Hmm,
What?
Nothing,
No, you Hmm'd,
You did a Hmm, What's the, Hmm?
It is not my place,
You have got to be kidding me,
What?
Yeah, I am a single mom,
all right, yeah,
Okay, but I make it work,
I do not need parenting advice from a,
I don't even know what the hell you are,
No, no, no, no, no, no, I,
I think you're a great mom,
Right?
Fuck yeah,
I mean, Violet's the shit!
She's out there risking her life,
you know, totally non-life threatening way
for my niece,
That's not hard to understand where she got that from,
Thank you,
What did you mean by that Grandma comment?
It's so hot on this car right now,
Wow,
Forget everything you think you know
about Journey of Sorcerers,
you piss drinking product of incest,
Everything?
Everything,
Name?
Owen,
Your character name nuts-skin,
Athos, ranger from the forest of ruin,
Our tail begins on the outskirts of the forest of ruin,
The sun has set to the night of a crescent moon,
The air is crisp with the promise of fall,
The night hums with the peaceful sounds of crickets
and other nocturnal insects
with the occasional howl of a wolf in the distance,
The gear of a ranger is scattered across the campsite,
Athos,
Coal smolder beneath a cauldron,
cooking what little rabbit you have left in a stew,
Your stomach growls,
You haven't seen a woodland creature in days
and your hunger has blinded you
to the growing evil brewing
in the forest you've sworn to protect,
You gaze across the tree line,
Your instincts tell you to keep your guard up,
but your stomach has other plans,
Someone approaches,
Kimmy?
If you would care to describe your character, please,
Oh um,
I'm Puck
Puck?
Y-Yeah and I'm small, but I'm tough,
Very well, Violet,
Care to describe your character?
My name is Jadora, a half elf-barbarian,
Which half?
Owh! Asswipe!
We're looking for a ranger, Have you seen one?
He is a ranger, remember?
His name is Athos,
Yeah, but we don't know that yet,
We have to follow the campaign,
Oh right,
Who are you?
I'm a,
a ranger,
My name is Athos,
Prove it,
Could you at least untie me first?
I don't trust him,
I trust him,
He seems
nice,
And I thought you guys were pressed on time,
This campaign ain't exactly panty dropping yet,
Good point,
Violet, roll a strength check with disadvantage,
18,
Perfect,
You see the veins start
to bulge on your Jadora's neck as she tears the rope
that binds you clean in two,
Thanks for that,
Don't get all mushy on me Athos,
if you're actually the one we're looking for,
Well, for the record,
I would've just offered you aid,
I'm a ranger, it's
literally what I've sworn to do,
Goblin piss,
See, I told you he was a good guy,
I'm puck, I'm full of luck
and grumpy gills over here, is Jadora,
How'd you find me anyways?
They had a guide,
From the forest emerges,
a squatty gnome with a pointy hat, a beard,
and he's holding an obnoxiously large map,
My name is Saterri,
Don't let the hat fool you,
I'm good with maps and I get around,
Gross,
Let's hurry this up,
What's the job?
We're on a quest
unlike any you've ever embarked on before,
It's very dangerous
and we're in need of a ranger who knows his way around,
I thought you were good with maps?
I'm a gnome, not a psychic,
Okay, let's get on with it,
I've been tracking a group of rogue sorcerers,
set on opening a portal to another dimension,
I'm in need of a group of fighters
who are quick on their feet
and can help me infiltrate the location of that portal,
What's it for me?
Other than stopping cosmic chaos
and the world's possible destruction?
Reputation, and a fair amount of coin,
500 platinum,
Deal,
Let's get a move on then,
What say you Athos?
Fancy saving the world?
I suppose,
Can I see the map? - What now?
Mm-hmm,
Sure,
Roll,
And an arrow flies
through the trees killing Saterri immediately,
Wow, we're off to a great start,
♪ I've been quiet but lately ♪
♪ Just joshing, cravings make me feel sick ♪
♪ No rocking roll baby
♪ Was fun to me ♪
♪ My parents- ♪
Alright, would you like a bag for that?
Na, no,
Hey, hey, wait,
Do you drink coffee?
Na, no,
Okay, well if you did,
would you buy a cup of coffee here?
Here?
Yeah, well, I mean, not here,
but if we had another part of the store
that was like part coffee shop,
you could come in and study,
you know, read a comic, hang out with your friends,
Would you?
So like a
hangout spot for nerds?
Exactly, So you get what I'm saying, man?
I don't like coffee,
Get out,
What?
Leave
now,
August,
What?
Yes, Jerry,
I'm sorry,
I just got off the phone with my wife,
Is everything okay?
Oh, it's more than okay,
I'm getting a divorce,
Oh, - I'm moving to Japan
to live out my retirement as a bachelor,
Retirement?
Sir, I'm, I'm happy for you,
But what does that mean for the store?
I'm done with it,
Done with it?
Like, like done, done,
Foxstar, I know you don't give a shit,
but this job actually means a lot
to Violet an I isn't,
isn't there a way you could keep it open
while you're abroad?
I ain't doing shit,
The last thing I want is for my soon to be ex-wife
to get this place in a divorce,
Which is why I'm giving it to you
and that
redheaded girl I like,
I'm sorry, what?
Go make your coffee,
Huh,
The phrase you're looking for is domo arigato,
Huh,
Yes! ♪ Yeah ♪
Ah!
August!
Hey, Yeah,
Violet needs you,
Like right now,
Me?
We're you just dancing?
Bit dramatic,
What are they saying?
I don't speak celestial,
I do,
You do?
But if you had bothered
to ask me about my backstory?
When would I have had time to read your backstory?
What are you, what are you doing?
What do you mean?
What accent are you doing?
It's hard okay, I'm a mechanic,
I'm not Daniel Day Louie,
Who's Daniel?
Lightning strikes the archway behind the sorcerer,
A dark void begins to form in the center,
Do we attack?
Are you crazy? We'll die,
We have to do something,
You have seconds before it opens,
What's the plan, guys?
I'm a good shot, but I'm not that lucky,
Well, we have to do something,
I just said that,
Five seconds,
I have two axes,
That's two chances of hitting this warlock,
Oh, please, as if you get hit
from this distance,
Stop arguing,
We'll do this together,
You decide your course of action,
but too late,
The sigils on the ground are glowing
a bright orange,
but something's wrong,
Oh, we're fucked,
I throw my axes at the sorcerer,
If I die doing a stupid one shot, I swear to God,
Your first ax embeds itself into the stone
behind the sorcerer,
Your second ax is thrown into the void,
disappearing into the abyss,
What the hell, man?
At least I tried something,
The sorcerer is sucked into the portal,
Disappearing into the void,
then the disciples,
and then-
No,
Athos is the first to be pulled,
Jadora lets out her hand,
but only manages to grab hold of his wrist,
I used the last charge on my ring of telekinesis,
Two seconds, Kimmy,
I grabbed Jadora and Athos
and pulled him clear out of the portal,
It's too late,
What, what happens next?
I brought you a coffee,
Finnegan, where is the car?
The car's right here, Sheriff,
No, that's my car,
Yeah, I brought, just like you asked me to,
No, when I say bring the car,
I mean the squad car,
Oh,
Damn it,
Hmm, hmm, hm, hmm, hm, hm, hm, hm,
Ah!
Jesus, Finnegan,
I need you to stay calm,
That is Dave and he's our friend,
Dave?
Hey,
Hi,
Did you call local PD?
Finnegan?
Uh-huh?
Did you call local PD?
Yeah,
Oh man, I want some Funions so bad,
Finnegan! I need you to focus!
What did they say?
Who did you speak to?
I'm sorry,
I spoke to everybody,
Local law enforcement from Harrisburg to Burnsville,
And if anyone sees a minivan, they'll call,
Okay, All right, Look,
Save questions for the road,
We gotta get this guy outta sight
and we need to find my daughter,
Do you understand?
Yes, Sheriff,
Okay,
One question,
What?
Is he gonna fit in the car?
Hey man, I fit inside your mom,
I'm sorry, That was, that was insensitive of me,
Ah, I don't sweat it,
I'm not coming with you anyway,
What, what do you mean you're not coming with?
It's time for me to cash in a favor,
That makes zero sense,
August, we don't have time for this,
Unlock the car and let's go,
No, I've seen the movie sleepover,
I've been through this before,
You guys are gonna get me to make a fool
of myself on camera,
And you guys are gonna laugh,
I'm not falling for your shenanigans,
Someone hurt you and I respect that,
But I'm telling you the truth,
We have to go now,
So you are telling me
that an evil alien race is trying
to destroy the last female egg of another alien race,
And right now Violet has that egg,
Yes,
And the government already arrested you guys once,
but the nice alien helped you escape,
When you say it like that, it sounds fucking stupid,
But that's what happened, Yes,
Well, where is this nice alien? Huh?
He stayed behind to buy me some time,
And he sent you to get me,
No, but I mean, considering the situation,
I thought you should probably be involved,
Makes no sense, but okay,
So how come the evil aliens are running
around town wasting their time looking for the egg?
I mean, why don't they just blow the whole town
up from the sky?
Or better yet, beam the egg thing up to their mothership,
I don't have time
to argue fucking hypothetical situations right now,
Violet is in danger,
Your girlfriend needs your help now,
Gir, girlfriend?
You can't help but smile
as you watch your two unlikely friends Jadora
and Puck disappear through the closing portal,
And although the world may not know it,
you'll always remember,
how you saved not one world,
but two,
And that's what you call a fucking campaign,
Hey man,
you okay?
That was the best campaign
I've ever experienced in my fucking life,
I'm sorry,
Oh, that's you all done?
Great, We're square?
Oh, we're more than square,
Look, if you guys are ever in the area, you should stop by,
Will do, Thanks Owen,
And hey, uh,
I, I know we just met in all,
I don't wanna, I don't wanna come across
too eager or anything, - Oh God,
I was just thinking that maybe we could make
this a regular thing, like an ongoing campaign,
Look Owen, my guy,
Yeah,
I have a clan,
Clan, I'm devoted to,
A clan that wouldn't like it
if I was one shotting with a well,
let's be honest, incredibly talented,
class seven ranger from the next town,
It'd almost be like I was doing something, naughty,
So, so that's?
I'll see you around Athos,
Gertie, that was fucking amazing,
When did you write that campaign?
Oh, I didn't,
What?
I made it up on the spot,
What?
What do you mean?
Improv baby?
You bet the van on it, Gertie,
Improv!
What if you lost? - Did we? No,
I knew from the second Owen saw us
that he'd fix our ride,
Are you clairvoyant?
No, Kimmy,
All men are the same,
Easy to read,
Not August,
Oh no, him too,
He wants you like Luke wants Leia,
Gross,
I don't know,
He's not like other guys,
I know that sounds stupid and cliche,
but it's true,
Yeah,
Well he's a million times dorkier,
which you love for some reason,
And the fact you two aren't bumping butts really gets
on my tits man,
Uh-huh,
You know how to get there?
Sit back and relax, V,
Smooth sailing now,
♪ Got lost again ♪
♪ And something- ♪
Oh!
Who are you people?
Where's the egg?
The what?
The humans transporting the egg,
Tell us where they are
or perish,
They just left,
I don't know where they were going,
Tell us now or suffer,
Oh!
Ugh!
I don't know anything
about any egg dick mouth,
Dilcon,
Ah, ah!
Oh!
Uh,
Oh,
No, no, no,
No, Wait,
Wait, we, we can talk about this,
Please, ah!
Ow!
Ah!
♪ Harm me with harmony ♪
Yeah, this will do,
♪ Hey, drop a load on 'em ♪
Let's see what we got here,
No, thank you,
♪ O,P,P,- ♪
Oh, what are you?
♪ Frame by frame it ♪
♪ To have y'all jumpin' shall we singin' it ♪
Oh,
♪ The O is for other ♪
♪ P is for people scratchin' temple ♪
Okay, We're good, go, go, go, go, go,
♪ That's not that simple ♪
♪ It's sorta like another way to call a cat- ♪
No,
♪ It's five little letters that are missin' here ♪
♪ You get it on occasion ♪
Don't mind if I do,
♪ The other party is a game'n ♪
♪ It seems I gotta start to explainin' ♪
♪ Bust it ♪
♪ You ever had a girl and met her on a nice hello ♪
♪ You get her name ♪
♪ And number ♪
♪ And then you feelin' real mellow ♪
♪ You get home, wait a day, ♪
♪ She's what you wanna know about ♪
♪ Then you call up and it's her girlfriend ♪
♪ Or her cousin's house ♪
Ah! Ga, ga, ga, ga, ga!
♪ Boy, that's what is scary ♪
♪ It's OPP, time other people's what you get it ♪
♪ There's no room for relationships ♪
♪ There's just room to hit it ♪
♪ How many brothers out- ♪
Ah! Nuggets!
♪ Who thinks it's wrong ♪
♪ 'Cause I was splitting and co-hitting at ♪
♪ Well, if you do, that's OPP you not down with it ♪
♪ But if it don't, here's your membership ♪
♪ You down with OPP ♪
♪ Yeah, you know me ♪
♪ You down with OPP ♪
♪ Yeah you know me ♪
♪ You down with OPP ♪
♪ Yeah you know me ♪
♪ Who's down with OPP ♪
♪ Every last homie ♪
♪ You down with OPP ♪
♪ Yeah you know me ♪
♪ You down with OPP ♪
♪ Yeah you know me ♪
Damn it!
♪ Yeah you know me ♪
♪ Who's down with-♪
Ah, ah!
♪ OPP means something gifted ♪
♪ The first two letters are the same but- ♪
Get it,
Stop it, no,
God, Ugh,
Would you just stop, Stop it,
Tape, Agh,
Ugh!
Ah,
Okay deep breath,
Yes,
You got it,
Yes,
Ah, Who's the Sherba? I'm the Sherba,
Dave's the Sherba,
Maybe it's just not meant to be,
You bumming me out, bro,
What do you want me to say?
I thought you were my wingman?
The coat to my jacket,
The thunder to my lightening,
Ah,
Here goes nothing,
So did she say she was my girlfriend
or mention anything about it?
Well, you guys hooked up, didn't you?
She, she told you guys that?
The store,
cool,
Maybe I,
I don't know,
Isn't that your guys' like whole dream plan thing?
That was when things were simple
and we had that cool unspoken feelings kind of thing,
But I mean, now it's real,
But that's good,
Right?
Well,
being business partners complicates things,
Why?
You guys love each other,
She, she said that?
Like, like she said, love?
What are you? Five?
She laughs at all your jokes,
All of them,
You're like,
moderately funny,
Cool, Okay,
so you don't think
the store is gonna ruin anything, right?
Um,
No,
How do you know where they're going, anyway?
My parents installed a tracker
on my car 'cause they're crazy,
Oh, I'm,
I'm sorry,
Don't sweat it,
What the hell am I doing?
All right guys, you're ready to go?
Guys?
I'm sorry, Violet,
August?
This isn't what I signed up for,
No!
August?
What? What?
Pull over now,
Here?
Pull over,
I feel so much better,
What the fuck is wrong with you, man,
What's going on?
Are you dying?
I don't know,
Dude, talk to me,
What's going on, man?
You're freaking me out,
No,
I'm fucking scared, Gertie,
No, no, no, no, no, no babes,
Holy shit, V!
I know,
It's not funny,
Will someone please just tell me what's going on?
She's pregnant, Ding Bat,
With what?
A baby,
A baby?
Wait, wait, You had sex with August?
Does he know?
I mean, he was there,
No, does he know he's the father?
Wait, he is the father, right?
Tell me he's not the father,
Look, you two are the only ones who know,
Oh my God,
Dude, this is the best night ever,
Well, not for you,
Does this mean I'm gonna be an auntie?
In spirit, yeah,
So like, so what do we, what do, what do we do man?
What do we, we take you to the hospital or like-
I'm not having the baby right now, Gertie,
Yeah, So then like what,
what are we, what are we gonna do?
Help me man, I'm freaking out,
Guys, right now,
we just need to get Jonathan to safety,
Okay,
Well you know what this makes you now V?
You're a MILF,
Dude, shut the fuck up,
Sheriff, I'm sorry,
Finnegan for the last time, it's fine,
I know, I just should have checked the gas,
Sheriff?
What?
Can I ask you a question?
Depends,
Are you doing all right?
Don't I look all right?
Well, yeah,
No,
Violet's got herself mixed up in something,
I'm just scared,
That's all,
I didn't know you got scared,
I don't,
I just don't what's got her in such a rush,
I mean, one second,
she can't even tie her own shoes?
Next minute, she doesn't need me for anything,
I mean, she's always gonna need you, Sheriff,
I mean, heck,
I feel like I need you most of the time,
That is it,
What?
That is the problem right there,
I make myself available for everybody else,
And then when she's at home,
I'm at work,
Sheriff?
What?
Do you need a hug?
No, I don't need a hug,
All right,
Finnegan, God all mighty,
Sorry, it just looked like you needed a hug,
What?
I needed a hug,
What are we looking for here, V?
Dave said machinery confuses the tracking,
So we gotta turn some shit on and keep the egg close,
Something like that?
Hey Violet!
You know how to power this shit on?
Mine needs a key!
This door's locked!
I don't know,
Did you try that one? - Yeah,
Cover your ears!
Fuck!
Okay, Okay,
Freeze!
Keep your hands where I can see them!
They're up,
Don't move!
Hands up! Freeze!
FBI!
We have the target in sight,
Detain them
and secure the assets,
Sir, I think we might have a problem,
What problem?
Hello?
Come in,
Lower your weapon!
Ah!
Uh!
Hey!
Give it to me you fuck head!
Ahh!
Hello? Run Violet,
Shit,
Don't fuck with my friend!
Uh!
Ugh!
What have you done with the egg?
Mom?
Oh,
oh,
Are you okay? Are you hurt?
What are you doing here?
The big blue guy told me everything,
Dave, where is he?
Sheriff,
Drop your weapons!
No, no, no, no, no, Don't shoot, don't shoot,
They're under mind control,
Mom, Kimmy and Gertie are still over there,
They need help,
Come on,
What? What are you doing?
Just trust me,
What are you doing?
I'm keeping you safe,
No, no, mom, Seriously,
Seriously,
Mom,
Oh, where are you going?
You got this right?
I do?
Oh, heck,
Give us the egg or perish,
Are, are there any other options?
Click, click,
Oh shit,
What the fuck?
Did you do this?
What do you think?
I fucked up that guy pretty good though,
Yeah, you did,
That a girl!
Whoa!
Whoa,
What? What? I'm too quick for you,
Huh? Huh? Huh?
Ha!
Wha!
Oh, Oh no,
Oh good God,
What?
Um,
Um, um, um, um, um, um, um,
Woo!
You just got schooled,
Ugh!
Ooh,
Oh shit,
Surrender the egg,
Bite me bitch,
No, shit,
The egg is ours at last,
Hey,
Uh!
Fuck!
Uh,
Are you okay honey?
Are you okay?
Where's my husband?
And what's up with that guy?
Owen?
Can't we just have a normal weekend?
No one enters, No one leaves,
Uh,
Sir,
Ah!
Hey!
Uh, uh, oh,
Are you hurt?
Mom, I don't know what to do,
I'm scared,
Honey, it's okay to be scared,
When I knew I was having you, I was scared,
But it's okay 'cause you're not alone now,
And I know I haven't been around enough,
but I promise you the-
Oh,
Ah,
Ugh,
What are you guys doing here?
Chilling,
What am I doing here?
Where's Kimmy?
She's right,
Hey dickhead!
Kimmy, you fucking legend! - Yeah!
She just, she just killed that guy, didn't she?
Yep,
Yeah,
You okay?
He was right, you know?
I am a coward,
You know, it's not too late to change that,
Uh! - You okay?
Holy snapping duck shit,
What'd I miss?
Dave!
Where'd you go?
Oh, the guy
on Proximus Sentari owed me a favor,
I think it's time you take her,
Thanks kid,
You did great,
Thank you,
Violet?
Tess,
I missed the whole adventure, didn't I?
Next time,
What the fuck?
I figured you two had a lot to talk about,
Go,
I,
I love you,
You promise?
Violet, I have loved you for
stupidly long time,
Even though I'm sort of weird,
That's my favorite part,
I have to tell you something else,
Something that's gonna change things forever,
I have to tell you something too,
Crap, like, mine's pretty dramatic,
Mine's biblical,
You go first,
Wow, Okay,
Hold out your hand,
Uh, I already have keys to the shop,
Yeah, but
these ones are Jerry's,
Are you for real?
We've gotta learn how
to make a pretty good cup of coffee,
Oh my God!
Oh, oh,
So,
so many, so many
emotions,
Oh,
Now tell me yours,
Mine's so much bigger,
How much bigger? - Huge,
Are you dying?
No,
Um,
Hold out your hand,
Um, close your eyes,
No peeking,
Okay,
So what are you doing after this?
You smell disgusting,
Walk away,
Okay,
Is she okay?
She's fine,
I'm sorry,
I'm not gonna let you take her, Hal,
They'll come for her Dave,
And next time it won't be me,
You've gotta take her far away from here
somewhere where no one is going to find you,
Yeah, What about you?
What are you gonna do if they find out?
Doesn't matter,
Make sure she has a chance,
Bob would be proud,
Hey kid,
Me?
Yeah, you want to go on a ride?
To space?
Yeah, I mean, it'd be a quick run,
but technically you'd be able
to call yourself an astronaut,
Nobody tell my parents,
What's your favorite Barry Manalow album?
♪ A journey waiting to start ♪
♪ Imagine us going far ♪
♪ Cause they ♪
♪ Couldn't change that ♪
♪ My love ♪
♪ Life has only begun ♪
♪ Our feet were fashioned to run ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ And we'll go ♪
♪ Farther than we've been ♪
♪ A journey waiting to start ♪
♪ Imagine us going far ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ And we'll go ♪
♪ Farther than we've been ♪
♪ Ever before ♪
♪ Are you giving me a chance ♪
♪ Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh ♪
♪ We're not made to fear ♪
♪ What's before us dear ♪
♪ And so you see ♪
♪ It's what I've been telling you ♪
♪ It's nothing like it seems ♪
♪ It's what I've been telling you ♪
♪ Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh ♪
♪ It's what I've been telling you ♪
♪ Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh ♪
♪ It's what I've been telling you ♪
♪ A journey waiting to start ♪
♪ Imagine us going far ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ And we'll go ♪
♪ Farther than we've been ♪
♪ Ever before ♪