Where's the guy with all the words?
He's tired,
I didn't hear from you this week,
You said it was inappropriate to call so,,,
Have you ever heard of the term maternal transference?
A patient can idealize their therapist as a mother figure,
and want the comfort and guidance they didn't get,
All families got it hard,
It's a lot living with the DeMarcos?
I'm good at my job, but I can make more money
working at Baskin Robins than I do here,
Why do you stay?
Because of Jeremy, He matters to me,
Thank you for coming out,
It's great you make house calls,
It's been much easier since my vaccination,
Is this an okay place to set up?
Yeah, anywhere with a flat surface is fine,
- Just one document today, correct? - Mm-hmm,
And what is the nature of the document?
A Consent to Contact form? Adoption,
California Department of Social Services?
Uh, South Los Angeles Adoption Services,
Hm,
- Do you have your ID as well? - Yes,
- Go ahead and sign, - Oh, okay,
Everything looks good,
Just need your signature here
and a thumbprint, please,
Okay,
Make sure to submit these together,
Yeah! Good! I'm good!
Feeling good today! Easy in my harness,
May I ask what has you so filled with the spirit?
Let me pick you up and show you some shit,
Bam! How you like me now?
You see that?
Open door!
The DeMarcos took Jeremy to a specialist
all the way down in San Diego,
and they're not gonna be back home till, like, 8:00,
So I'm lettin' my hair down
like Dolly Parton up in this bitch,
Sorry, I-I shouldn't say bitch,
I'm lettin' my hair down like
I'm ESL and English be fucked sometimes but, yes,
Yes, we can talk about whatever today because,,,
ya tú sabes,
So that must ease the pressure to have them gone,
Yeah, it does,
I mean, I actually slept last night,
Almost four hours, knowing they'd be up and gone,
I mean, I'm not trying to talk shit,
I feel,,,
- I feel bad kinda, - About what?
About what I said about them last week,
Like, you asked me,,,
- you asked me why I stay, - Yeah,
And I said Jeremy,
- You did, - Well, I been thinking a lot about it,
and I don't feel like you believe me,
Or, like, give it the,,,
the weight it deserves,
You know, I-I don't feel like you get it,
So make me get it,
He's not just my fuckin' guy, yo,
We're, like,,,
in love,
Do you mean in a romantic sense?
Wh-what even is romance?
Look, I'm not trying to dodge you or nothin'!
But, I don't think my life is gonna be one
that involves some sort of long-term partnership
as, like, a fucking centerpiece,
Why is that?
My,,, how I move through the world,
I don't know that it's super-conducive
to marriage or some shit like that,
People in my life are like seasons,
You know, they move through me like water,
I guess I put them into two categories,
People I love that I might fuck,
and people I love that I'll never fuck,
And Freud,
my dude, if you're listenin',
we've established
my therapist is in the latter,
I mean,
sex is just a part of the possible landscape or it's not,
Like, which is to say that
all love, to me, is romantic,
- I can understand that, - It all requires courtship,
it all requires sacrifice,
and I don't,,,
Like, if you're asking are me and Jeremy together,
no, But we're a unit,
You know, ever since I started working here, he's become,,,
he-he's in my life,
When did that become true?
- What do you mean? - Well,
I have to imagine it wasn't like that from the very first second,
There had to be a moment where things shifted, no?
When the patient goes
from simply being work to something more,
Like us?
Uh, like the late-night phone calls and shit,
No,
- No, I don't think,,, - Look, I don't know
that I have, like, a story for you, you know,
I mean, I got stories for days, but not,,,
Was there a moment?
I mean, it was just kinda easy, All right? Like,,,
he's a easy dude to love,
and he loved me from the beginning,
and not in a superficial way, It was,,,
Look, friendship for me?
It's traditionally been pretty weird,
I've never had a lot of friends
that were my own age,
You know, but-but Jeremy,
we're equals in a way that I'm not used to,
You know, he listens to me, He confides in me, He,,,
What?
I don't know, He,,,
He takes me seriously,
You know, and I take him seriously,
You gotta understand, this is a guy that people
fuckin' undermine and dismiss
every fuckin' second of his life, and he fights back,
He stands up for himself, and it's dope,
Now, we used to spend whole days at Target,
like, in front of the elevator because he needs to practice
pressing the button, and people would be like to me,
"Sir, can you just press it for him?"
And Jeremy would go off on them, and then I get to be
on my tough-guy shit,
We almost got kicked out, like, twice,
But it's fun,
Being his accomplice,
And he's my accomplice, too,
Oh, in what way?
Well, this one time, right,
his brother Daniel came back home from Princeton,
and dude had been home for all of three hours,
and his watch goes missing,
Dog,
I don't even,,, What?
What kind of fucking sense would that make?
But Daniel wasn't around,
so he didn't realize I was a part of the family,
He thought he could talk to me any kind of way,
so he accuses me, and I was like, "Fam,
"What the fuck do I want with a mid-range Movado?
I mean, if it was Patek Philippe, maybe,"
You know what I mean?
But he didn't think I was gonna clap back,
So he turns all kinds of red,
and then Daniel tries to get up in my face! I'm like, "Dog,
"I-I'm not trying to catch a felony,
but I will put you down,"
But it didn't even come to that
because Jeremy got between us,
- What, physically? - Physically!
He rolled over his foot, yo,
And that-that electric joint is heavy,
And I was like, "Yo, chill!"
But he-he wouldn't, He defended me,
You know, I never had anybody defend me like that,
Especially,,,
especially not a white person,
That shit meant something to me,
I'm sure it did,
We don't agree on everything,
Sometimes, we fight like a fuckin' old married couple,
but when it comes down to it,
even if he says some stupid shit sometimes,
his actions are louder,
I don't know a human being alive that doesn't understand
how complicated relationships can be,
Mm, sounds like you got some stories there, doc,
Let me guess, some star-crossed love shit?
Crossed, bisected, interlaced,
- zig-zagged, you name it, - Bunch of men out there
looking for you to be mommy, I bet,
You are not alone in that, Eladio, okay?
You are not alone,
- Oh,,, - So what do you and Jeremy
end up fighting about?
Look,
what I'ma say about this,
it's,,, it's just,,,
I don't have a lot of experience in disability politics, okay?
I will hear everything you say with that caveat,
It's just that, Jeremy says
a lot of fucked-up shit that I disagree with,
And primarily, his ignorance is born of class and race,
And nobody that takes care of him
shares the same class or the same race,
I mean, there was this one white boy, but he didn't last,
And look, I make $12 an hour, right?
I don't have a savings, But if I did have a savings,
I would put a fucking G-note on the fact that Jeremy has said
some wildly offensive shit to each and every one of his aides,
And I'm not super-close with those guys, I mean,
I hung out with Marlon, like, a couple times and that's it,
But from what I gathered, those other dudes,
they don't take Jeremy's bait,
I mean, I asked Marlon about it once, and he's like, "Dog,,,
you know, it's not worth it, I don't get paid enough,"
And facts,
I'm watching you, Eladio,
and your body language right now,
and I would bet you take the bait,
Every fuckin' time, yo!
But to not take the bait
would be to dismiss him, and he's not stupid at all!
His disability is literally 100% physical!
Th-there's zero intellectual component!
In fact, if you look it up,
it says, "intelligence is normal
to above normal," I repeat,,,
"Normal to above normal,"
You're saying
he's responsible for his words and behavior?
Of course he fuckin' is!
And yo! You can't roll up on me
talkin' about, "Palestine shouldn't be a state,"
and just expect me to fuckin' just, like,
finish up my Caesar salad! Like, yo, get the fuck outta here!
So you argue with him,
Yo, dude is wrong about most shit
because he's white, not because he's disabled,
- Understood, - And the things he believes are-are
fuckin' largely incorrect,
uh, uh, ahistorical, lack critical thinking,
and that's not my fault! But to not engage with him
on that level feels ableist,
Would you have this much empathy for Jeremy,
and empathy from my point of view
translates to patience,
if he wasn't disabled?
I,,,
No, Probably not,
Is that not in itself ableist?
Or,
at the very least, a form of
a condescension you seem to abhor in others?
I,,,
Maybe,
But I really do feel empathetic toward him, yo,
Like just because his sphere of influence is small and wrong,
doesn't mean his heart is wrong,
His heart is,,,
it's my favorite heart in the world, yo,
Like, real shit,
So,
dude is mad religious, right?
And one time, he asked me to take him
to this evangelical church in Beverly Hills,
I thought you said the DeMarcos were Catholic,
They are, but, um,
but his friend was, like,
giving a sermon or preaching,,,
I-I don't know what it's called,
but his friend was the one doing the talking,
- Got it, - And,
most of it largely fuckin' sucked,
He-he did say one interesting thing, but,,,
on our way, we got into an argument because I told him
a story about an ex of mine, and he started saying
I'm going to Hell because I had sex out of wedlock,
I'm like, "First of all, who talks like that?"
So, I'm already heated, and by the time we got there,
honestly, I wanted to leave his ass,
But, before the service started,
we hit the bathroom, and the stall was so small that,
like, we barely could fit in there,
I missed up with the pee bottle,
Now, I'm covered in piss, which wasn't his fault,
But-but, we already weren't speaking,
so, you know, it didn't help,
Now, anyone with even a cursory familiarity
with the Bible will tell you that
it's a common theme that a man who could not walk
meets Jesus and, suddenly, he can walk again,
But what I didn't know with my dumb-ass was that
these evangelical motherfuckers take that shit seriously,
Like, it's not a metaphor,
So, halfway through the sermon, they start trying
- to lay hands on him, - No,
Yeah, yo, They were yelling, like,
"Heal him! Heal him! He will walk again!"
It was fucked up, yo,
and, obviously, this pissed Jeremy the fuck off,
So now, my man, who was
just trying to talk to me on some "holier than thou" shit
five minutes prior,
is cursing out the entire congregation,
and I'm like, "We gotta get the fuck outta here,"
But, at one point, my man was,,,
Yo, at one point, my man told the pastor to suck his dick,
- This is his friend? - Yes, ma'am,
He-he told this man to suck his dick from the back,
Yeah, I know,
And then we ended up sneaking into a movie,
and he bought me a new T-shirt,
But the most important thing to me was that
he apologized,
- For saying you were going to Hell? - Yeah,
And the most important thing to him was that
I had his back,
You know, I didn't,,, I didn't try to rush him out of there,
I waited till he spoke his peace,
and then we left,
He's lucky to have you,
Luck? Shit,
That's not a word to associate with me,
But, that's the one thing the pastor said
that made sense to me,
The whole thing was a mess,
but just because someone is wrong about everything else,
doesn't mean that they don't have insight about something,
Then, you know, at one point in the sermon,
before all hell broke loose,
the pastor said,
"Grass isn't greener on the other side,
The grass is green where you water it,"
And that's me and Jeremy,
It's not perfect, but we tend to it,
You know, like, we fight, and then we come home,
and I draw him up a bath and make sure
he's got the lavender bath salts that he likes,
and the water's hot, but not too hot,
We shed the day together,
I'm gonna say this again
so that you can hear it,
Jeremy is lucky to have you,
Yeah, whatever,
I'm just a sucker,
- and so is he, probably, - Wait, no, Hey,
I'm not dismissing any of what it takes
to be in a relationship like that, Not at all,
I'm simply trying to convey
my appreciation for the person that you are,
What did I miss?
Nah, All good,
Really? 'Cause I'm not getting an "all good" vibe here,
Would you be open to hearing how I'm feeling right now?
Cool, Sure,
Truthfully?
I'm frustrated,
If I have it right,
I simply paid you a compliment, and you shut down,
Yo, I come to therapy for help, yo, not for compliments,
Don't you?
I know your childhood lacked
any real acknowledgment of your worth,
The disregard of your feelings, of you, by your mother
that persists to this day,
which is why this,
between us,,,
You cast me in the mother role with the hope
that I can be able to do the things she can't,
Acceptance, attunement, approval,
But when I approve,
you can't hear it,
You don't know what to do with it,
There isn't a place built inside you
that can hold it,
So where does that leave us?
Ooh,
Damn, doc,
That's some fucked-up shit,
No wonder I don't fuckin' sleep,
That's a nightmare,
Yes, indeed, It is some fucked-up shit,
It is also the "X" on the treasure map,
There is gold under our feet, if you're down to dig,
What do you mean?
There's a concept in modern psychology
known as re-parenting,
where the therapist guides the patient
to a moment in their childhood where they were wronged,
and respond as a healthy, secure parent would
to help make the repair to the inner child inside,
You gonna rock me to sleep or some shit?
Role play can occur,
but it's rare and a bit fringe,
I generally start with inviting you
to close your eyes,
Okay,
Now, picture a place from your childhood,
Somewhere you felt safe,
I don't know that I've ever felt safe,
but I remember a room,
What's in the room?
I don't know exactly,
but there was a window,
a mango tree,,,
The squirrels used to play with the rotten fruit
outside in the summer,
Wonderful,
We'll use that to establish space,
Let's fill in some of the details,
Can you look down for me?
What do you see?
Uh,,,
It's a notebook, maybe,
One of the ones with the big-ass blue lines
and the-the red dotted line in the middle
for when you're just learning how to spell,
What does it say?
I'm sorry, I,,, I don't know why I just went there, but,,,
If there's something upsetting in a memory this early,
I think it's important that we look at it,
"I'm sorry,"
Nothing to be sorry for,
Nah, that's what the paper said,
And how old are you in this memory?
Eight, maybe,
Somethin' like that,
What does an 8-year-old have to be sorry about?
I don't know, man,
That summer, I,,,
I don't even know where I got this shit from,
That's the first summer I started masturbating,
I don't,,,
Should we even,,,
I don't know that this is relevant,
It's all relevant,
You were sorry for,,,
- masturbating? - No, It's just,,,
it's the only thing I did that whole summer,
My moms thought I was sick because I always wanted
to be in the bathroom, and then, at some point,
I don't know if it was the news or the TV,
I got it in my head that
masturbating gave you AIDS,
- AIDS? - Yeah, and I don't even know
if I really knew what that meant,
I guess it meant death
'cause I thought I was gonna die,
and I thought it was my fault, so I was
writing a letter, apologizing to my mom,
Did you give your mother the letter?
Yeah,
How did she take it?
What do you think?
Then I'm going to be your mother in this moment,
I'm going to give you the understanding
you deserved,
Hey,
I got your letter, El,
Now, I-I know
that it must be so scary
to be dealing with something very normal
that you think might hurt you,
- but,,, - Can we actually,,,
Can we not?
I-I-I,,, I'm not trying to be resistant or, like, difficult,
I just,,, Look, I-I get it,
Maybe there is something fuckin',,,
I don't know, Now-now, I feel creepy,
No, of course, No pressure,
This doesn't seem like the path for today,
Yeah-yeah, I don't think me talking about
touching myself will ever be the path,
No, that's the thing, Eladio,
A good parent can show up,
especially in the uncomfortable moments,,,
- Can we actually, like,,, - ,,,and,,,
Is it okay if we end early today?
Yeah, uh-uh,,,
Of course,
Hi,
Dr, Ahmadi, this is,,,
It's nice to hear your voice, too, Listen,
the reason I'm calling is I have a patient I wanna refer to,,,
Male, Mid 20s,
Disordered sleep, uh,
previous bipolar diagnosis,
I think he,,, I think we,,,
Can both really use your help,