Just this,
It's $4, cash only please,
- Here you are, Thank you, - Have a nice day,
You too,
Hey, excuse me,
Would you like to sign a petition to support
women's reproductive health?
Uh, yeah, yeah, for sure,
- Thank you, - Absolutely,
I think what you guys are doing is, um, is great,
Thank you, yeah, every signature brings us closer
to guaranteeing our rights,
- I mean, that's very important, There you go, - Yeah,
Would you like to make donation?
Oh, um, I, um, don't have any cash,,,
- Okay, You can also make a donation online, - ,,,right now, sorry,
- Okay, great, I'll do that, I'll pay online, - Okay,
- Okay, thank you, - Thank you,
Elliot, your app is confusing and not fun,
and I'm,,, bored,
This, this is fun,
It wasn't fun,
I felt like I was buying car insurance
or making an appointment with an auditor,
But mobile ordering and delivery is the future,
If I give you a free cone,,,
will you shut the fuck up about your app?
Okay and how much for a full redesign of the app?
What about equity? I could compensate you in equity,
You know, Amazon, they started with books,
Ice cream is our books,
Yeah, I know your newborn baby cannot eat equity,
Maybe I am the next Jeff Bezos,
Well, uh, it's a bit more than I wanted to spend,
but it looks like a pretty great van,
I mean, it, it really is,
I haven't lived in it, but you definitely could,
I'm getting married, so we're thinking
of saying fuck it, you know?
Leave the system, opt out, get off the grid,
- I, to,,, totally, - We got each other, what else do you need?
I totally, I, I, I, I feel that, man,
I feel that,
Ah, Uh, let me know if you have
any questions, okay?
Yeah, no questions, I'm good,
- Oh, I'm going to check this out, - Hey, Mom,
Karen's a total bitch,
Why are you still hanging out with Karen?
- Because she texts me, - Okay,
So, we're having this nice iced tea and she starts making
all these comments about Fernando, how he's so young,
I mean, he, he is young,
Well,,, you can't judge
a person on a single trait,
You have to get to know them,
Plus he's very mature,
I think she doesn't like him because
he's Latin and he sells me weed,
Don't you mean Latino or, or maybe Hispanic?
I don't know what I mean, except that he has
a very nice shave, all his skin and no body hair,
Well, he sounds great,
Are you going to Cedric's wedding?
People meet people at weddings,
I have a failing business right now,
and I live in a shitty apartment, so,
I'm not exactly a catch,
Well, I think you're a catch,
How's your money?
I'm figuring it out,
Let me send you some money,
Mom, I'm fine, I got to go,
- I love you, - I love you, bye,
Was that your girlfriend you were talking to?
Uh, so, what do you think?
You know what, I think I'm going to take it,
Really, great, it's a, it's a great van,
- Yup, here you go, - Thank you, the paperwork's right there,
Ble,,, bless you,
Woo, they come in threes for me,
Have you ever had a, a cat in the van?
Yeah, my ex used to cat sit,
Got it,
Allergic,
I think I'll be fine though, I think everything'll work,,,
Ah, I want the van,
You see?
Now I'm fine,
- Hello, - Hey, how you doing?
Can I get a cheese slice?
- Yes, - Great,
Ooh, thanks,
Here's a tip, don't cheat on your wife,
- That was a joke, - Okay,
What does an orgy host say at the end of the night?
Thank you all for coming,
Oh, you know what? I think I'm just going
to take this to go,
What about on thanksgiving?
I'm thankful you all came!
- I'm thankful I'm leaving, - I couldn't have eaten
all of this alone!
What the fuck was that?
I am practicing my material,
- I told you not to test your jokes on the customers, - But why?
Mostly because they're not funny,
Orgy one liners, come on,
I need the practice,
No, what you need is better material,
Sorry I'm not finding mountains of
comedic inspiration serving pizza all day,
Okay, first of all, pizza's hilarious,
It's round, that's a funny shape for a food,
- Mm-hm, - You eat it with your hands,
that's very funny, You, you could use all this if you want,
Oh,
But also, I think you should go out and experience things,
get material that way,
Fuck somebody weird, I don't know,
Are you a life coach?
Did you sweep under the fridge?
- Yes, - Today?
- No, - Yo, come on, you got to do that every day, twice a day,
otherwise we get rats,
It's like a goddamn rat buffet of croutons under there,
Don't think just because you're my ex-niece I won't fire your ass,
I still don't think ex-niece is the right term,
I don't have time to say my ex-wife's sister's
daughter all the time,
- Here, - For the van?
Yeah, it's all we got so make sure you get a good deal,
- Okay, - Make sure it runs,
and make sure it's got bucket seats,
Isaac loves the bucket seats,
Buying your stepson's love with the catering van?
- Right, Okay, I'll be in the back, - Got it,
No more jokes and sweep!
I will sweep!
♪ Sweep Caroline buh, buh, buh ♪
It has new brake pads, too,
You are the first person to get underneath it like that,
If the chassis is bent,
you might as well buy a Slayer album,
- I don't get it, - Because all you'll be getting
is a piece of shit heavy metal,
Ah,
How many times did you have sex in it?
Uh, hundreds if not thousands,
Good answer,
Did you use protection?
It was an exclusive relationship,
and she had an IUD,
Hm,
What do you think?
All this new brake pad and IUD talk is great,
but it's a used vehicle, so I can only be so sure,
What's in the bag?
Oh, uh, gym clothes,
That's my gym,
Does your workout shirt have sleeves?
Yeah,
- Do you wear tights? - In the winter,
but I wear shorts over the tights,
Trust me, it is a great van,
- You like jokes? - Yes, I like jokes,
- Okay, I'll take it, - Great,
On two conditions, First one:
if I'm not completely satisfied in two days,
I can bring the van back,
What's the second condition?
I get the book,
I can't, it's sentimental,
Okay, no deal,
- Fine, take the book, - Yes!
And now that we've finished our business,
I was thinking we could grab a drink,
Ugh, grab a drink, We might as well email each other resumes,
Uh, all right, yeah, email it is,
Enjoy the van,
Enjoy your cardio, Elliot,
Ice cream on demand,
I like that,
So I just hit which button?
Uh, the top button,
Oh, God, I'm sorry, This seems really neat,
but I, you know, high-tech isn't our brand or anything,
Uh, it's just tech,
- Huh? - It's, it's just tech, you don't have to say high-tech,
This is very high-tech, though,
It's not high-tech, it's just tech,
- Okay, - And your Instagram account
with 50,000 followers is also just tech,
No, I thought that was social,
Oh,
Hello, who's this? Girlfriend?
I like that felt hat,
That's my ex, actually,
- And she's calling you? - Yeah,
This is fascinating,
Hey, what's up?
How are you?
It's been like forever,
Uh, I'm doing great,
Doing really great,
- Yeah? - Yeah, so what's, what's up?
Well, I'm actually on this movie in New Orleans,
- That sounds cool, - Yeah,
So, we're shooting and we need a van,
and I saw your post about selling Poipu,
Really, I just sold it,
Damn, we were looking for that exact model,
Well, yeah, Poipu is no longer in my hands,
No worries, I thought it was a long shot,
I mean, they were willing to pay like almost anything,
so I figured I'd let you know,
It would've been nice to see you,
Uh, yeah, it would've been,
Go for me, Copy, wheels up for Anthony,
Sorry, um, I got to go,
I have to go pickup this nightmare
of an actor from his hotel, Um,
Talk soon?
U,,, uh, yeah,
She left no name,
Blah,
You did good, I took her for a spin, she runs well,
I, um, I drive a pretty hard bargain,
Yeah, what'd you save off the listing?
This joke book,
Well, you did good regardless,
You know, when I look at that van I don't see
a piece of shit white van,
I see pizza catering, I see putting my son through college,
I see a franchise with multiple locations,
- I see,,, - Rats, rats, fucking rats!
Yeah, how much to kill some rats?
Two weeks?
Oh, and a health inspection from city officials?
How about go fuck yourself?
Sorry I forgot to sweep,
Yeah, sweep Caroline, buh, buh, fucking buh,
I can't keep the shop closed that long,
- What should we do? - What can we do?
I got to kill these motherfuckers myself,
Are you sure?
Are you qualified to do that?
I'm not qualified, they're fucking rats,
They're a lesser species,
How long would that even take?
I don't know, but if we don't get rid of them
by the end of this week, me and you got to start looking for new work,
I'm going to get you that money,
Yeah, right,
- Nice sleeves, - Hello,
I'd like a refund, please,
Uh, is something wrong with it?
Not exactly,
Sorry, I, uh, I can't,
But you guaranteed that I would be satisfied
and I'm not, so,
But if,,, nothing's wrong with it,
I need my money back,
Come on!
My pizza shop is going to close if I don't get that money back,
It's going towards my startup,
Fuck!
How long did it take you to sell this thing again?
Like three weeks,
Fuck!
You know, my friend called me right after I sold it to you
saying she wanted to buy it,
Oh, that's perfect,
But she's in New Orleans,
Ow,
She did say they were willing to pay almost anything,
Maybe enough to justify the trip,
Let's go to New Orleans,
- Together? - Yeah, I can't go alone,
If this thing breaks down on some backwater road,
I turn into a sex starved trucker's wet dream,
Ugh, being a woman sounds terrible,
It is, So, you should be a good feminist and come with me,
Oh, that's a feminist?
Sure and, um, you get to see your friend,
and you get to go on a really long date with me,
Yeah, but you don't like me,
I have a thing for nice guys,
and you coming with me to New Orleans would be so nice,
You are a madman,
You are going on a road trip with a new crush to sell
our old van to your ex, who you're still in love with,
I'm not in love with her,
Would you be going on this road trip if Trisha
weren't the one buying our van?
Yeah, I mean I'm doing it to be a nice guy,
and, uh, get to know Kimmie, yeah,
You know, people don't do things because they're nice,
Sex, money, and ego,
You are doing it for sex and a side of ego,
She is doing it for money and a side of sex,
I'm going to keep it tucked, I'm keeping it tucked,
- All right, - Sounds fun, Have a great time,
I don't like this,
Well, it's only going to take
three days for us to get there
and then we're going to sell the van
and then I fly back,
Aren't you supposed to be making money on this trip?
They said that they're going to pay for everything,
I just have to give them receipts,
I don't trust film people, they're manic,
When I used to be a photographer I,,,
I know, I know, they're fucking you left
when you think that they're fucking your right,
- Exactly, - Well, either way,
I'm going to get some great material out of it,
- Hi, - Hi,
Sorry I'm late,
Nice tucked in shirt,
Yeah, uh, you know, Twenty three hours to New Orleans,
- what's another 15 minutes, - Oh, I didn't realize we would have company,
Yeah, my roommate's not the best caretaker of that little guy,
What's his name?
Uh, Ralph, Ralph the fish,
Ralph the fish, does he listen to Kendrick or Drake?
He listens to Drake,
That's very mainstream,
Um, don't murder me, okay?
No promises,
Mr, Road trip guy, uh, what do people do
on road trips for fun?
We could make rules,
Jesus, your idea of fun is rules,
Like fun rules that the whole car
has to obey for the entire trip,
- Give me an example, - All right,
rule number one: absolute honesty, no lying,
Okay, uh, rule number two: we sleep in separate rooms,
That is a great rule,
Very fun, very fun,
Um, rule number three, which is actually a fun rule:
uh, the road trip isn't over until we are
in New Orleans eating Beignets on a fan boat,
Yes, I love that rule, I've always wanted to do that,
It's the ultimate tourist adventure,
Can I interest you in the best bánh mì in New York City
before we head out of town?
That's quite a statement,
So where'd you hear of this place?
Um, my ex,
Oh, okay,
Feeding the ex food to the new girl, I get it,
Is it not fucking great?
It's very good,
I don't know if I'd call them the best, but,
Well, do you know of a better one?
No, I just think that if you call something the best
it implies that you've had, like, every single one,
Well, I'm sure I should keep looking for others,
but I don't think I'm going to find one better, so,
Hm,
I do like that they have free fortune cookies,
Uh, rule number four: every time we cross a state line,
we open a fortune,
- That's a great rule, - Yeah, I'm great a rules,
Ice cream on demand,
Oh, my God,
It's Uber for ice cream,
- It's going to be big, - Oh, yeah?
How do I, okay,
Press that, that button,
No, sorry, the, the dropdown at the bottom,
Okay,
I'm confused,
It's not that confusing, you just
kind of have to learn how to use it,
I don't want to learn how to use it,
I want to eat ice cream,
Well, once the design is updated, it's going to be better,
- Okay, rule five, - Mm-hm,
We make a collaborative dance,
Every time we stop for gas we add another move,
- What? - Yeah,
And then we perform the entire thing at the end of the trip,
Okay, that's funny,
Uh, I'm going to go call my uncle and let him know
that I haven't been murdered yet,
- Yet, - Mm,
Sorry, that's not very funny,
It was kind of funny,
Oh, Sweep Caroline,
Hi, how are you?
I'm up to my neck in rat research,
- Sorry again, - I think these fuckers are roof rats,
They look pretty sleek and agile, but I saw one this morning
that was what I would call large and robust,
which means it might be a Norway rat,
Does it really matter what kind of rats they are?
You got to know your enemy,
So how's your vacation going?
This is not vacation, this is for the business,
- Yeah, sure, - It is!
Plus you told me to go fuck someone weird, so,
Yeah, but I meant like a one night thing
where you don't leave the state,
You didn't sleep with I'm already, did you?
It's been like four hours,
Well, I don't know this guy,
You are such a good ex-uncle,
Uh, don't worry, we're sleeping in separate rooms, so,
Yeah, separate rooms,
I don't think no sex should be a rule,
It's fine, if it happens it happens,
I really think you should tell her about Trisha,
It's the right thing to do,
There's no point, I'm over her,
- What are you up to? - Oh, I'm waiting for Fernando to get out of court,
Released from court?
Yeah, he was pulled over on his Vespa
while selling weed and had to go to court,
It's nothing,
Are sure that he's the right guy for you?
Like, right now?
He's got a great heart and a working dick,
All right, Mom, All right,
What's your biggest fear?
Um, being unsuccessful,
What?
Why does that scare you?
I guess because I feel like I should be successful,
and I don't have any excuse not to be,
And if I don't do something big I'm going to feel like a waste,
Oh, my God,
What?
Nah, it's just such a privileged
white dude thing to say,
Oh, and why is that?
Because you're like defining yourself by this system
in which you have an inherent advantage
and you're presenting it like it's these shackles,
I mean, I wouldn't call them shackles,
but yeah, I think there's some competitive pressure,
Hey, at least you're honest about it,
Don't you want to be a successful stand up?
Yeah, but being unsuccessful isn't like my biggest fear,
Sorry for being ambitious,
Hey, I love ambition,
I just think that life is too chaotic for you to define
your happiness by anything other than yourself,
No paper towels,
Got to drain that vein, it's dance time,
My move both of us, your move both of us,
Okay, I don't remember your move at all,
- Give me a refresher, - Like this,
- One, two, - Yeah,
- It was like one, two, three, four, - Yeah,
- It's a step, - And then we'll just go to that one,
- Okay, all right, - All right,
Okay, five, six, seven, eight,
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
- It was bad, It was really squirrelly, - All right, well,
- we got a couple more chances, - All right, we'll do it
better next time,
One that he had of a mountain lion
that he had killed, yeah,
And it was him with the mountain lion
and it had hundreds of likes,
And people wrote, like, "Cool, man,"
Oh, Delaware,
It is rule time,
Fate shines down upon me on this day
through the great state of Delaware,
Okay,
"Great minds must be ready not only to take opportunities,
but to make them,"
"From now on your kindness will lead you to success,"
So, if I'm nice to you then you won't murder me,
I mean,
yeah, I think that cookie might have been meant
for a different person,
So, I was thinking we drop our bags, grab a drink?
Uh, I want to, but I'm pretty beat and I sort of turn
into a pumpkin when I get tired, so,
Okay, yeah,
Um, but I was thinking that we could wake up early
and go see D,C, before we leave,
Uh, yeah, I mean, yeah, I have work to do,
and early D,C, sounds very patriotic,
Okay, great,
Um,
That's very kind of you to say,
Well, tipping doesn't hurt,
Ah, thank you, TimTim46,
Oh, my God,
That was good,
Yes,
Oh, fuck,
Keep going,
Oh, fuck,
Yeah, yeah,
Uh, so, are you seeing anyone right now?
Am I seeing anyone?
Yeah, like, dating anybody,
Oh, uh, shit,
I thought that you knew for some reason,
Oh, no, that's fine,
I'm fucking with you, I,,,
What kind of person would be seeing someone and go on
- the world's longest date,,, - I don't know,
,,,with a total stranger,
I don't know, I thought, you might, maybe
it was like a long distance thing, I, well, I wasn't sure,
I would rather cut off my clit, just clean off,
than be in a long distance relationship,
You do not mean that,
I 100% mean it,
- It's exactly the same thing, - Ugh,
Have you ever, have you ever done the long distance thing?
Uh, no, I haven't,
Actually, I had to stop seeing my ex
because she was away so much,
Ooh, not enough time to eat bánh mì together,
- Exactly, - Yeah,
The bánh mì time is very important,
Yeah, I know that about you,
Uh, and no like open relationships or anything?
No, no open relationships,
I couldn't do that either, I,,,
Yeah, it's like I, I'm okay with an open relationship
as long as you're not fucking anybody else and it's just me,
Yes, it's, uh, that's exactly the vibe,
It's like I would gladly be the CEO of your company,
as long as you do all the work and I get all of the money,
And, uh, those are just the dynamics I'm trying to go for,
That's funny, you should write that down,
- Uh, - That's funny,
Maybe I will,
What do you think about threesomes?
Uh, I've never had one,
but if it was another girl, then, yeah,
You're so cis gender,
I don't know what that means,
Uh, it means that you're, like,
you identify with your birth sex,
So, like you were born a guy and you like are a guy,
Oh, shit, look, it's the, it's America's penis right there,
Are you getting it?
Come on,
This is, uh, great content, very, very edgy,
Uh, so, what's wrong with being cis gender?
You said it like it was a bad thing,
Nothing it's just that,,,
,,,on, like, the spectrum of diversity,
you're, like, a condo that's in the suburbs in Ohio,
I like Ohio,
I mean, threesome preferences aside,
I feel like I'm decently progressive,
It's like abort the babies, harry the armpits,
free the nipples, equal pay,
Well, good,
I mean, I get it,
It's like other people's lives
by default are harder than mine,
You look like Pinocchio right now,
Do you want to go get introspective
at the Vietnam War Monument?
It is a memorial,
It is certainly a memorial,
A monument would be quite dark,
Uh, we actually should go,
I have a surprise,
I love surprises,
Ah, this is the place,
Day drinking?
I, I am surprised,
No, they have an afternoon open mic,
- What? - Yeah, the, I, I thought
it'd be fun to do, like, a local crowd on the way down,,,
You thought that it would be fun,
- For you, for you, - Okay, um, I can't,
- Why not? - Because I'm not wearing
the right clothes for starters, so,
I think you look great,
Uh, yeah, it's too sexy, so,
I, I won't be laughed at,
Okay, Uh, I guess I've never, like,
- thought about it like that, - Yeah, no, why would you?
Um, you'd probably do the thing that like most men do where
they see a woman on the stage and it's like she's either
funny or she's, like, for fucking and it's either or,
and women have to, like, pick which one they are,
and it's, it's hard, so,
- Okay, okay, - I don't want to do it,
Uh, so, what do you want to do?
I would like to leave, please,
- Okay, yeah, absolutely, - Now you know,
Let's, let's go, I mean, for what it's worth,
I think you're funny and sexy,
Okay, well, that's your lizard brain
trying to get laid, so,
Well, I don't, maybe,
- How are you supposed to know? - I'm not, I can't,
I literally can't know, based on your argument,
These motherfuckers are roof rats,
They're small and slippery, evasive,
They're like the Navy Seals of rats,
Oh, God, what's next?
Now I got to figure out if I use poison or try
to trap them like I'm some kind of urban pelt hunter,
Don't you think maybe that you should pay someone else to do that?
We're going to have the money in like a few days,
Nah, it's not just about the money,
They're in my shop, I looked them in the eyes,
It's personal,
All right, well, be careful I guess,
I'm fine,
I'm going to need some gasoline and a five gallon bucket,
Are you going to post that?
Uh, yeah, I think so,
So you, like, want people to think that we're fucking?
No, that's not the idea,
But you get that that's how it works?
Yeah, I understand people think that,
but I'm still going to post it,
Cool, Um, so, just out of curiosity, when did you break up with
that girlfriend that we were talking about?
That was a year ago,
Like, maybe she still follows you on Instagram,
- Maybe she does, - Cool, like, maybe you follow her back,
Oh, my God, that's, like, punching yourself
in the balls every time you open your phone,
My balls,,, they feel fine,
Okay, I'm just saying that makes it
really hard to get over someone,
Well, I'm over her, so,
- Cool, great, - I got this,
I'd prefer if we split it,
Uh, honestly don't worry about it,
- I, I want to split it, - I got it,
I said that I would prefer if we fucking split it,
Thank you, Jesus,
Do you want a to-go box?
No,
Can I have the rest of the sausage?
Go for it,
I'm sorry,
Wake up, fortune cookie time!
It fell over there,
This is my cookie?
"If you don't have time
to live your life now, when do you?"
"Good timber does not grow with ease,
The stronger the wind, the stronger the trees,"
They haven't all rhymed, have they?
So, you count me in,
Five, six, seven, eight,
You just took what I did and did it, Okay, ready?
- Count me in, Okay, - Five,
Five, six, seven, eight,
- One, two, three, four, - All right,
- It's Bruce Springsteen, - You're way better at timing,
- I, I did a little bit extra, - Okay,
You should be, you should be more mellow than I was,
- All right, - Ready?
- Yep, uh, - Okay,
- Five, six, seven,,, - Wait, give me one second,
- Okay, - All right, okay,
- Do you need a refresher? You got it? - Yeah,
- Good, - Now I'm ready, yep,
Five, six, seven, eight,
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
- That was not bad, I think, - It was good, I liked it,
All right, I'll see you in the car,
Okay,
Hello,
Welcome to the Milky Man,
what can I serve you today?
I will do a bowl of vanilla ice cream
with rainbow sprinkles,
- Got it, - And,,,
A mint chip shake,
Vanilla cone, what else?
A mint chip shake!
- Excuse me? - Mint, chip, shake,
- I want a mint chip shake! - Okay, you know, you don't have to scream,
It's just ice cream, I didn't build the speaker myself,
- Sorry! - So just full forward,
Thank you,
It'd be funny if you could just, like, scream
and have someone deliver you ice cream,
I would totally scream for ice cream,
That should be your app,
You just scream at your phone,
- someone delivers you ice cream, that's it, - Could you build that?
- Hey, there, - Thank you,
- You're welcome, Have a great day, - Thank you,
You too,
Uh, yeah, I think so,
It's just, like, voice recognition APIs,
Oh, yeah, totally,
Actually would you mind driving?
I kind of want to get started working on it,
Get it ice cream boy,
Is this dumb?
Um, I think it's great and hilarious, so,
Where are we?
Um, we are not at the Discount Inn, That's for sure,
Yeah, there's nothing discount about this place,
Um, it's called The Lion's Den,
- It's great, - And it's kind of expensive,
Hm, hold on, hold on, hold on,
Sorry, was that too much?
Um, kind of, yeah,
Uh, okay, yeah, we don't have to do,,,
No, I like it,
It's just,,, blah,
Um, I don't want to be the girl who's, like, not down,
but I also don't want to be the girl
that's like automatically down,
Yeah, okay, we can just do whatever you want to do,
- Right, totally, - I'm serious,
Sex kind of means a lot to me,
and I haven't been with someone in a while,
and if this is just a fling then it's a fling,
but I just feel, like, we should like, be upfront about it,
Now in the girl who, like, intellectualizes
any sort of physical contact,
- I'm having fun with you, - Mm-hm,
And I don't know what the fuck this is,
- Mm-hm, - But I don't think of it
like it's a fling,
I don't know if I can believe you,
I mean, you don't know, but you can,
Maybe we just shouldn't have sex tonight,
Fuck, that's hot, Come here,
How was the show, Ralph?
Did you learn any new moves from your dad?
It's weird that you keep your watch on during sex,
Yeah, I never know if I should keep it on or take it off,
Well, at least you know, like, exactly how long you last,
Just under 45 seconds,
I'm going to use that!
I would be honored if my, uh, sexual apparel choices
were translated by you into the laughter for strangers,
It will,
Oh, I have something to show you,
Oh, shit!
Is it time already?
It's just a prototype at this point,
I think he's cute,
Okay, let me record,
And say something,
Who are you?
Who are you little ice cream man?
Cookie dough!
Aw, fuck, it crashed,
I didn't expect you to say cookie dough,
It's so cool,
When is it going to be done?
Uh, I still need to partner with an ice cream place
and figure out delivery and, obviously, swap out this design,
I think that you should leave it,
It looks like it was drawn by a monkey in the dark,
who's been gravely injured,
Okay, yeah, maybe we'll keep it, Um,
Is this dumb though? It, it seems dumb,
I mean, totally, but ice cream is dumb and fun is dumb,
and life is dumb,
Things can be both dumb and amazing,
Maybe that'll be our tagline, dumb and amazing,
Just like you,
I think I'm going to sleep in the other room,
Really?
I do this windmill thing with my leg
that's been known to bruise,
Uh, okay, you sure?
Yes, Uh,
Your legs will thank me tomorrow,
- Goodnight, - Goodnight!
Oh, fuck,
You're going to make me cum,
You think you heard her masturbating?
Fernando, he thinks he heard her masturbating
last night in the next room over,
Maybe she's hyper sexual,
Fernando says maybe she's hyper sexual,
Let me put him on speaker,
Hi, Elliot, I've heard so much about you,
Likewise, nice to meet you, Fernando,
- How'd the hearing go? - Oh, it's just a ticket, Thanks for asking,
Though they said if I get caught one more time I'll be
in big trouble, so I should probably look for a new job,
You could do anything, You are so multi-talented,
You know, honey, maybe she didn't cum,
- Sometimes after sex women just need space to finish, - Hm, true,
I don't know, it sounded like she was talking to someone,
Well, you need to talk to her,
You know, it's important to have open and honest
conversations about sex in and out of the bedroom,
Especially for new relationships,
I couldn't agree with Fernando more,
You need to talk to her,
What else is going on?
Trisha told me last night she's moving back to New York,
I thought you said you were over her?
That's just something people say,
It sounds to me like you need
to have a couple of adult conversations,
That sounds awful,
Can you stop?
Just one more try,
Huh?
Rude!
After all my hard work,
I knew we shouldn't have had sex,
- What? - You're acting weird,
Like you've see the kitchen of the restaurant and you know
how they made the pancakes and you lost your appetite,
Okay, the pancakes, your pancakes were great,
Then why are you acting weird?
I'm not, it's,,,
Sorry to interrupt, do I know you?
I don't think so,
You look so familiar,
I've been told I look like Oprah,
I feel like I know you,
Hey, man, it sounds like she doesn't know you,
- so if you,,, - It's Debbie, right?
I'm a huge fan,
Dude, do you know how lucky you are?
Can I buy you all's breakfast?
She hates it when people try to buy her things,
That was fucking weird,
So, we're not going to talk about what just happened?
Really?
There's this hot chicken spot in Nashville
- where they put,,, - Uh, I'm a cam girl,
What?
I'm a cam girl, like, I take my clothes off
on the internet for money,
It's not sex, it's just me,
All right,
So, that guy at the diner?
That's never happened to me before,
I've heard that it can happen, but,,, I usually don't broadcast
to locations that I'm in, but,,,
- Road trip, - Right,
Does this, uh, ruin our fan boat plans?
Nah, no, nah, it's all good,
I should get some gas,
I'm going to hit the bathroom,
- Do you want anything? - Uh, I'm okay,
Do you mind if I use your laptop?
I need to send an email, mine's dead,
Sure, here you go,
Thank you,
$4,
- Here you go, thank you, - Thank you,
A peace offering,
For what?
For dropping my sex work on you like that,
Uh, I'm okay, thank you,
Come on, Mr, I scream for ice cream doesn't want any?
You have to live the brand, bro,
I just don't like the freezer dried ones that much,
Fine, it's cool,
I'll just have both of them,
I don't know if I like the chocolate or the vanilla more,
Mm, so good,
Oh, my God!
You sound like last night,
Last night doesn't even compare,
Are you talking about me or, uh, your internet friends,
Either,
So good,
- All right, all right, - Mm-hm,
This is good,
It's very good,
Look, my ice cream is screaming,
Sorry,
- You know what we should do? - Hm?
Some more sweet, sweet dance moves,
- Five, six,,, - Seven, eight,
one, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight,
I think it was a little different, but we'll work on it,
Oh, my God, my ice cream,
I need a napkin!
Okay, I've got questions,
I have the cam questions,
Are you sure you want to get into this?
Yeah, If I want to be okay with it, I want to know how it works,
I don't think you're the kind of person
who's, like, okay with it,
- I could be, - Okay,
So?
How many people watch?
Uh, it depends, Sometimes it's a couple and sometimes it's a few thousand,
- A few thousand? - Yes,
And they pay you like cash or?
Uh, yeah it's all taxed and legitimate,
So, it's, like, PayPal or, like, sometimes it's Bitcoin,
Bitcoin,
And what are they paying for?
Are you sure you want to know?
Yeah, yeah, I want to know,
Okay, well it's kind of techie,
so maybe you'll think it's cool,
Give me one second,
All right, so,
When I cam, I put this inside of me,
Here you go,
- Hold onto it, - Okay,
Become friends,
Uh,
- So, I'm touching myself, - Right,
And someone wants to participate,
- Okay, - Uh, for a small price,
they can make this happen,
Whoa,
And I can control it with the app like this,
Ah!
Uh, that looks like a nice app,
I think it's a nice app,
I'm going to give this back to you,
Cool, it's clean,
- I promise, - Good to know,
Yes,
It doesn't, like, define me though,
I think it used to and I moved past it,
To comedy?
I mean, that's the dream, yeah,
Cool,
If it makes you feel any better,
I have never told anybody any of this before,
Thank you,
You are welcome,
If you're going to punish
your significant other for cheating on you,,,
- Right, - ,,,I just feel like making
hot chicken is like a really half assed way to go about it,
Okay, so what would, what would you do?
Um, I would like pretend like I'm going to go down on him,
and then just like bite his dick off,
- Okay, - Clean off,
- Note to self, never cheat on Kimmie, - Yeah, please,
Um, I just saw a sign for an open mic and I was wondering
if you wanted to check it out as audience members,
No pressure,
You know what?
- I think I want to do it, - Really?
You're dressed appropriately,
- Fuck it, - Fuck it,
- Let's go, - How many times have you done stand-up?
Like to an audience?
Technically never,
- Really? - Yeah,
This should be terrible then,
- Hello, - Hi,
Uh, I would like to sign-up for the open mic, please,
Okay, uh, yeah, just put your name down,
You get three minutes and then, uh, it's a lottery,
So I'm just going to pick your name out of a bucket,
Okay, um, great, I'll just,
And then it's, uh, five bucks and it's a two drink minimum,
- Okay, - It's five bucks and a two drink minimum?
Yeah, it's an open mic,
Trust me, you want the drinks,
Um, I'm going to go and practice over there,
I'm going to try not to throw up, and then when I'm done with that
I'm going to meet you back here, Okay,
Okay, yeah, whatever you need,
I'm actually 37,
Uh, wow, I should've had that wine,
This is, uh,,,
This kid's going to be so disappointed when he founds out
that Harvard doesn't have a Ghostbusters, uh, you know, wing,
But there is a cancer research,
So, um, and me, you know, I need work,
So, like, basically I'll go out with anyone,,,
You have to go,
What?
I can't do this with you here,
Please, go,
I'm sorry, I'm freaking out,
- I still have to order another drink, - Fucking go,
- I'm sorry, - Some women call me filth,
Uh, so, we're having a great date,
He's walking me in, we're walking toward my apartment,
So I'm like, yes, career, okay,
And he goes she doesn't know
about the gang bang I'm planning upstairs,
- Um, when I,,, - So, my parents are, are divorced,
which is why I do this,
- Uh, or my parents,,, - But, um, they just
both include a lot of, uh, sitting down,
and, um, what else, sitting down,,,
You ever be in your girl's asshole and you taste something
in there that's like too fancy for you to have bought,
so you're just, like, "Is my girl stepping out on me?
Because I know I can't afford no steak,
Uh, thanks,
All right, hey, hey, Freddy Franrico, everybody,
Huh, not too bad, not too good,
Okay, you guys ready for your next comic?
Say, yeah!
- Yeah, - I'll take it,
Great, all righty,
Let's see who else we got,
Okay, all right, This next girl,
very, very funny, Uh, you guys may know her,
She directed A Bug's Life, pretty good film,
Uh, keep it going for Kimmie Chatman, everybody,
Come on, let's go everybody,
Here we go,
Um, hello,
At least someone's going down on me,
Okay,
Um,
Start packing up,
- Yeah, - How do I do that?
Thank you,
Okay, yeah, come on, everybody, huh,
Funny, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hilarious alert,
Ah, Kimmie, Kimmie, Kimmie,
Sounds like a nail salon,
Oh, my God,
I freaked out,
- I can't do this, - What happened?
Uh, I choked, I fucking choked,
- Isn't that part of it? - Uh, No,
having them laugh at your jokes is part of it,
and I looked at their faces
and it was just, like, I didn't exist,
Like blankness,
Uh, so what now?
You do it again,
Yeah or maybe I'm better off
hiding behind my computer screen,
I think that I might learn to play the banjo now,
And that was the instrument that stuck out?
Mm-hm,
What?
Uh, I'm actually just kind of tired,
Right,
I told you that you weren't the kind of guy who could handle this,
Yeah, sorry, I'm not, you know, excited about the idea
of you fucking me and then, immediately,
going to fuck yourself for money,
You're a fucking hypocrite,
What?
You claim to be this, like, open minded guy,
and now listen to yourself,
I guess I have my limits,
Does that make me a bad person?
It makes you full of shit, yeah,
Yeah, because I don't understand how
you could ever do what you do,
Of course you don't understand,
You're fucking rich,
- I work my ass off, - So what, if you fail
you go home to a mom whose got
a guest room with, like, 14 pillows on the bed,
And that's my fault?
No, but if I fail I go home
to a mom who's passed out on the floor,
So what would you do in my situation?
I,,,
I don't know,
Yeah, um, I also used to not know,
and then, I figured it out, so,
Can I have my laptop, please?
You don't have it?
You were the last person who used it,
Uh,,,
You kissed me and then we danced
and I forgot it at the rest stop,
I'm sorry,
I'll buy you a new,,,
It had all of my Bitcoin on it,
- I'm sorry, - I'm taking this,
What the fuck are you doing?
Fuck you, Ralph,
Do you want to read me a joke?
Uh, I'm not feeling very funny right now,
Only a few more miles to New Orleans,
Hey, hey,
- Hey, how's your timing? - Here we go,
Uh, about a few hours,
We all good for the van?
Yeah, we'd love it by the golden hour,
so we need it stat,
I'm excited to see you,
Uh, yeah, same,
I hope you're getting some good use out of that
joke book if you still have it,
Um, I'm driving, so I should go,
I'll see you soon,
Are we selling this van to your ex-girlfriend?
Rule number,,, ah!
Fuck!
Get the bench in there, to the side there,
Oh, my God,
- I can't believe you're here, - Hi,
You are literally saving our production,
- Thank you so much for making the trip down here, - Hi,
Poipu, so many memories,
Aw, you must be the one with the IUD,
Go for me,
Copy, copy,
Sorry, crazy day,
Uh, the stunt guys have been fucking up,
so we've been kind of scrambling,
Hence, the need for the van,
So, how does this work?
Go for me,
Switching to two,
Go for me,
Copy,
They should've been wheels up with the first team 15 minutes ago,
Copy, back to one,
Ugh, sorry,
Hey, first team,
Totally get it,
So, let me call the producer and get you paid,
Thank you,
Hey, there,
Oh,,, absolutely,
Only because your pool game is atrocious,
No way,
Okay, rematch tonight then,
Hey, so, I got the van that we wanted,
Yes,
I am the sourcing master,
No, I haven't paid for it yet,
Really, they drove all the way down here,
Okay,
Okay, copy,
Stop,
Okay, bye,
I'm so sorry, but, um, they cut that stunt,
so we don't need the van anymore,
Are you fucking kidding me, you giggly bitch?
You have to buy the van, Trisha,
Honestly, this sucks, but it's not my call,
We drove all the way down here from New York,
And we'll still cover those costs,
I think you can sell it when you're down here,
That's fucking ridiculous,
I feel so terrible, can I buy you guys
- a drink to make up for it? - No, it was so great getting to know you, Elliot,
and I'm so happy that I could help you guys reconnect,
Please enjoy your drink,
And we fucked two nights ago,
Not last night though,
Hold on,
Kimmie, I'm sorry, I didn't know this was going to happen,
Which part?
You selling the van to your ex-girlfriend?
Would've been relevant information for me,
Oh, yeah, like you camming the entire way down here?
That's different,
- This is for you, - Ralph,
I'm sorry, let me make it up to you,
No,
So, all you have to do is then, uh, scream into your phone,
Oh, my God,
So silly,
I love it, Is this the final design?
No, that's actually why I sold the van to pay a designer,
Ah, good call,
Shit, I forgot PC,
Do you mind getting these?
- PC? - Uh, petty cash,
Production lingo,
Petty cash, I have petty cash,
I can help you out with that,
- So, what else are you working on? - This is it,
I, uh, decided to quit consulting and go all in on it,
Oh, I didn't realize this was like your main thing,
You told me I should do that if you remember,
Right, I just,
I just thought it would be, like, more serious,
This is serious,
You expect people though to scream at their phones?
Yeah, I do, actually,
It's okay if something new in tech looks like a dumb toy,
Because it can be dumb and then amazing,
Well, you nailed it,
Uh, it's great seeing you, Trisha,
I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm joking,
You're not, you're not,
Elliot, I want, I want you to come play pool with us tonight
and, and meet Charlie and the rest of the crew,
We're all going to be in New York soon,
Charlie the producer that turned down the van?
Yeah, he feels terrible and he wants to apologize,
Have you guys slept together?
You broke up with me when I moved,
Was I supposed to just twiddle my thumbs?
No,
It's just funny because he fucked me, too,
Uh, this should cover both of us,
Five, six, seven, eight,
This thing is sick,
It is very sick,
Why are you selling it?
I desperately need the money to save
a family business by the end of the week,
Very cool, very cool,
Say, anybody ever tell you you got kind of
a Natalie Portman thing going on?
No,
Does this thing fold down, like a bed?
Gross, probably, I don't know,
- I'll take it, - Thank, fuck,
If you let me buy you a drink tonight,
Sounds like a win-win for me,
Cash please, thank you,
What's this for?
Fucking hot,
How did he die?
I guess I never really took
that good of care of him,
I think it just run its course
and you shouldn't beat yourself up over that,
May Ralph rest in peace,
You wanted a new fish, What type?
Another one of these, actually,
I wouldn't do that,
Every time you looked at your new fish
you would be reminded of Ralph,
Even if you wanted to recreate what you had with Ralph,
that's not possible,
You should start out fresh and experience the, the new
and exciting things a new fish can provide you,
even though it's not perfect,
You know, goldfish, they're less maintenance,
they're a bit more hearty,
and I think you'd really be pleased with that,
Okay,
- Thanks for everything, Jim, - You betcha,
Hey, I, uh,
I need to cancel the design if you haven't started it yet,
Sweep Caroline,
The Rat King!
God, do you know what that refers to?
No, it's just a term that I've heard,
It's when a bunch of rats get their tails knotted together
and end up in a terrifying medusa ball of rodents,
I've seen it,
Jesus,
So, how'd it go?
Uh, it was great until it was terrible,
That sounds like most relationships,
Yeah, good point,
I guess we did just cut to the chase,
This looks like it's going poorly,
Very poorly,
They're everywhere,
I've been having nightmares that the rats are cooking
the pizzas and setting traps for me,
I'm sorry,
I have a little bit of money,
I should have more soon,
Yeah, it's time to call the pros,
We got this,
Thanks, Sweep Caroline,
♪ Buh, buh, buh ♪
Kimmie, sorry for everything,
I know how you feel about men buying you things,
so if that's the case here, please, cathartically smash
the fortune cookies and not the laptop,
The hard drive is for your Bitcoin backup,
Hope to see you making people laugh on stage
someday soon, Elliot,
I do like the little ice cream, man,
and how it looks like he's melting,
I've kind of come to love the imperfection of it,
Okay, are you ready to see how it works?
I'm, I'm ready,
Okay, it's a hot summer day and you're not
near your favorite ice cream shop like this one,
but you want ice cream,
So, all you have to do is just open our app
and,,, vanilla ice cream sandwich!
You yell at your phone and it delivers you ice cream?
I mean, well, you, you scream, technically, but,
I scream at my phone all the time,
Right, so, are you interested?
How does it get delivered?
Hi, Gus,
Mint chip,
Mint chocolate chip,
Chocolate, Cho-co-late,
Chocolate,
Who are you?
Who are you little ice cream man?
Cookie dough!
This isn't the makeshift fan boat experience
I was hoping it would be,
Beignet?
This is your fan boat experience?
I mean it's not as good as the real thing,
but, hopefully, it works as an apology,
- Wait, did you go? - Yeah, they wouldn't refund my money,
Well, I did the finale of our dance alone,
No!
How was it?
- It was terrible, - Ugh,
It was really, really awful,
Do you want to come in?
- Yeah, I do, - Okay,
And those are for you,
I, uh, I feel like I fucked everything up,
Because you did,
I know, I'm, I'm sorry,
Hey, shit happens,
I'm sorry that I told your ex-girlfriend that we had sex,
I sort of cock blocked you there,
Uh, it's okay, she was fucking that producer,
Hey, he fucked me, too,
I said that actually,
Yeah, it was pretty obvious,
Was it?
Uh, you're working,
Um, um, so, I'm going to go,
Um, but I was thinking we could go grab a drink sometime,
You know, like, exchange resumes,
I don't think so,
- Why not? - Because we tried and it didn't work,
But I want to see you again,
Oh, but that's not up to you,
- Let me try, - Look if there was something that I could say
to make you understand that this is truly and deeply over,
I would say it, but those words don't exist,
So I'm just going to close the door,
So, feel free to tip me if you're enjoying yourself,
Almost ready,
The last time I tried this it was pretty painful, so,
All right, you guys,
So, this guy that I slept with wore his watch,
and he knew exactly how long he lasted to the second,
Is this thing on?
Uh,
That one needs some work, but I still think
it's a strong premise, you guys,
Okay, I just wrote this one,
Um, wow, dating is tough, you guys, Uh,
There's no good advice out there, no matter who you ask,
because everybody is either in a relationship
and out of touch with what it's like to be single,
or they're single and have no idea how to date,
so why would you ask them?
That would be, like, asking a fat person how to diet,
Oh, you guys like that one,
Okay, great, uh,
Thank you for the tips TimTim84 and RubRubbings,
Nice to see you guys as always,
And,,, AnonymousFan28,
thank you all for the support,
friends old and new,