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Oh my goodness,
Oh, hello, Welcome, I'm just reading this remarkable story about
you know, the man here, the man of the hour,
I guess it's true, fact can be sometimes stranger than fiction,
Dear old Bernie, What a story, want to hear it? Oh, why not?
What else are you going to do for the next hour or so,
Once upon a time,
in the land of the free and the home of the brave,
came a man who thought capitalism was, oh, so great, In a country much blessed,
he was very unimpressed, Believing the prosperous to be evil,
he devised a plan of upheaval,
"Free stuff for all," he opined, "On the taxpayer's dime,"
And thinking himself quite clever and grand, he attempted to become
leader of the land,
Come with me and as we go on,
you'll see exactly what could go wrong, Oh, Bernie,
Bless his cotton socks,
Bernie, what can you tell us about Hillary's email controversy?
Do you agree with the Republican's call for your opponent to be locked up?
Go for it, Go for the jugular, buddy,
You could take Hillary out once and for all,
You can be president, You can be president,
- Bernie, - Huh?
Bernie, your response,
All I've got to say about that is the American people
are sick and tired of hearing about her emails,
Oh, crap,
Crap! Crap!
Hillary!
Oh, crap,
Hi, sweetie, go wash up for dinner,
Wait a second, Stop, stop,
Oh my God, Bernard, another black eye what happened?
- Nothing, - Harris Todd steal your lunch money again?
- I will go to that school, I will break his little fingers, - I don't want to talk about it,
You never want to talk about it,
What's going to become of our Bernie?
What? Easy, easy, easy, Come on, What? He'll find his way,
No, no, no, I'm serious about this,
Is he going to be a doctor? No!
Is he going to be a shrewd lawyer?
- What are the chances? - What? Come on, Come on,
Wait, Do you think he'll be a prosperous businessman,
- It's never gonna happen! - You don't know that!
I'm sick and tired of rich kids
like Harris Todd stealing my lunch!
Let's face facts, Darcy, let's face facts,
Bernie hasn't been the same since he became interested in cloning,
Oh, stop it, You're obsessed with the Communism, As far as I'm concerned,
- I think he's on to something, - All right, at this juncture,
he'll be lucky if he becomes a pharmacist or even
a soda jerk for that matter,
From now on, I get the lunches,
I'm ready, Comrade Stalin, I'm ready,
If you want to have a doctor, well, maybe we should think about having more kids,
Huh,
We could do that,
- Come here, Come on, the hands, - Okay, you and your hands, Oh my God, No!
I totally pledge with this blood oath to dedicate my life
to never picking up a dinner check,
never donating to charity, like in the glorious Soviet Union,
Making sure the government pays for everything,
And I mean everything,
Oh my God, you're like an animal,
Ow!
Get your hands off of me!
Ow! Owee!
Oh my God, stop it!
Five alpha, take one, mark one,
I have to say, bullying Bernie was problematic,
But he was prone to fainting which needless to say made it very difficult
to shake him down for lunch money,
Because you know once I, uh,
confronted him, he did pass out right there on the playground,
Now that I think about it, uh,
I fully believe that was a tactic,
What he lacked in intelligence,
he made up with sloth,
Know our first date?
I paid for the movie and the popcorn,
and he said is it,,,
Oh, Pff!
No,
I don't know why you have to go up to Vermont,
It's a godforsaken place where there are more cows than people,
An eagle has to soar, Ma,
- So, there's a pigeon, - Technically pigeons don't actually soar,
they just sort of flap their wings around for short periods of time!
- Spitting hairs, - Freida says that they don't have a synagogue
- in the entire state! - Did Freida also tell you that Vermont has some of
the most lenient welfare qualifications in the country?
Let the boy go, Dorothy,
He's eating us out of house and home,
- I'm gonna miss you, - Ma,
- Dorothy, - All right, Ma,
Dorothy! Come here, you,
Son, just one little piece of advice,
- Yeah? - Watch out for those mountain women,
- they'll break you in half, - Mountain women, Okay, thanks, Pa,
Bernard, wait,
I found these under your bed, It gets cold in Vermont, I figured you could use them,
Okay, Thanks, Mom,
George Washington? What are you doing here?
It was either me or Jefferson, and I drew the short straw,
But why?
You are,,, you need to get your mind right,
- It's not too late, - Okay, My mind is perfectly fine,
- Thank you very much, - That's exactly what Benedict Arnold said,
- What are you insinuating? - Bernie,
This country was founded on the principles of freedom, equality and prosperity,
America is The shining city on the hill,
It's a beacon of opportunity for we, the people,,,
Woah, By we, the people, do you mean the wealthy one percent
or the evil corporations?
Believe it or not Bernie, one day,,,
you're gonna be a one percent,
- Really? - Mm,
No, I mean, that's bad,
That's,,, that's very bad, Then I'm going to change it to being
the one tenth of one percent,
Look, I've got to get to another dream for this
- Cherokee woman named Elizabeth who's about to apply to Harvard, - Right on,
You can still turn back, It's not too late,
Nah, Sorry, but I got a blood pact
with another founding father from a different country,
Hey, I know all about your Joseph Stalin, the man who killed
20 million of his own countrymen in the name
- of Socialism and really,,, - That number seems a little bit high to me,
Also, it's Communism not Socialism, by the way,
Your intransigence will define you,
♪ Move to the suburbs? ♪
Bombing moved out of state,
Gone gone to the next world,
Just,
Headed to Vermont?
- Why are you off to Vermont, pal? - I don't know,
- I'd rather not say, - Well,,,
I'm gonna say you're headed
to Vermont for the easy wealthy payments,
Am I right? 'Cause you know what, pal?
You've got welfare cheat written all over you,
If you must know, I've gone to Vermont to be part of the utopian commune
in the same vein as the Soviet Union,
All right, old pal, you know what?
I might not speak French, but I can understand bullshit when I hear it, eh?
Let me be perfectly clear, There's nothing wrong with Communism,
Oh, right oh, The fourth Marx brother then now, are we?
Well, actually, there were four Marx brothers, so technically speaking
if I was an extra brother, I'd be the fifth Marx brother,
Whatever, pal, You're a bit of a joker either way,
And why, pray tell are you going to the Green Mountain State?
For real, I'm not clipping the government,
I'm clipping sheep,
What's the difference?
Hello, Mother, Hello, Father,
Here I am at Camp Granola,
Camp is not so super gripping, But I think I'll have some fun,
When I stop tripping, I did mushrooms with Jill Spivey,
She developed poison ivy,
- Sanders, we need to have a discussion, - Yeah, Yeah, of course,
- What is it Miss, Qin? - Have I or have I not asked you multiple times
to clean the downstairs bathroom?
I seem to recall you mentioning something about that in passing,
However, I'm certain there are other members of this commune
that are more qualified for that particular job than me,
I'm trying to stay centered here,
but it seems pretty obvious to me
that you don't get what a commune is,
Madame, I assure you that I am familiar with the concept of the collective,
No, no, we divvy up all the household chores to maintain our existence and we share all
material goods for the betterment of all, we're creating a Utopia,
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I read the brochure,
And speaking of sharing, Why are you bogarting your stash?
That is a totally false accusation,
I want everyone to be as high as I am
or possibly even higher,
We found this under a rock in the backyard,
LSD, psilocybin, Thai sticks, Primo shit, Bernie,
I swear to you, that is not mine,
Oh, And we found this picture of you stashing it under the rock!
- That could be anybody, - Oh, really? Well, it looks like you,
- Look at that hair, - Okay, I'll come clean,
Yeah, that's me, But I swear to you, I was just holding on to that stuff for a friend,
You are so screwed,
- Did I mention that I had a blood pact with Stalin? - Congratulations,
Ouch!
What a bastard,
All right, 30 seconds, scene 10, take two, slap sticks,
Bernie Sanders,
Where do I start?
Well, for one thing, he really enjoyed doing things with other people's money,
Like the one time he organized a big May Day celebration,
He collected five dollars from everyone in the commune
for what he said would be a big feast followed by some mind-blowing fireworks,
But what did we get?
Some really bad borscht and burning,
On the front lawn,
In a loincloth,
And something just that I can never unsee
were some really lame sparklers, okay?
It still messes with my head to this day,
Dude,
All I gotta say is,,,
can you really trust a man that bogarts?
Think about it, man,
Think about it,
- Pig! - I'm definitely feeling oppressed here,
I still can't imagine how this guy became a United States Senator,
I guess failing upward is a thing in Vermont,
Oh, man,
Next,
Do you mind?
Excuse me,
I'm not a big fan of public displays of laughter,
- I find that to be very off-putting, - What's your problem, pal?
I'm working on an excuse for Why an able-bodied man has been
unemployed for 20 years, and your laughter is
a little distracting, Like, what's your angle?
- Angle? - Yeah, you know, to get the check,
I was,,, I was a foreman of the papers in the factory that just shut down,
I worked there since I graduated high school and I got two kids in college,
- So, pff, Here I am, - They're never gonna buy that,
You got anything else?
Have you tried, death of a loved one?
Yeah, more times than I can count, I'm actually running out of loved ones,
I guess that didn't take long,
Next,
An unemployable guy with no sense of humor,
You should try politics,
Like this guy, He made $100,000 just by running for office,
- That's impressive, - Yeah, he ran for Attorney General of Pennsylvania,
He raised $100,000 for his campaign,
That's,,, yeah,
Next!
Yeah, but the rub is, he only spent
$20,000 on his campaign and he freaking lost,
- Hey, - So?
So? He got to eat the leftovers,
Look at the swimming pool in his house, Right?
Look at his swimming pool, Not bad, huh?
Tell you what,
politicians, they got a license to steal
and there's no heavy lifting,
Next!
- You're up, - Are you finished with that?
- Yeah, - Thank you very much,,,
- Sure, - ,,,kind sir,
Anytime,
- Next! - Ah, we got a bitch,
Are you kidding?
Have you had any work in the past 30 days?
Just a little light carpentry, However, I'm also trying my hand at writing,
What kind of writing?
Adult situational erotica, like Anais Nin?
- Any income from this writing? - Not yet,
However, I've got a bondage fantasy piece that's getting a lot of interest,
Gross,
Thank you,
♪ Well, let me tell you a little something about me ♪
♪ Ready Saturday night I need ♪
♪ To blow off some steam ♪
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
Sanders, your banned till you pay your tax,
No, good news, good news, I can pay, see?
You know damn well it's illegal for bars to cash welfare checks,
I prefer to call it temporary public assistance,
That you're on permanently, The answer's still no,
Fine, Good day to you, sir,
- Hey, - So we were just discussing the best ways to, uh,,,
- stick it to the man, - Guys, guys, guys,
- I have it all figured out, - Yeah, you say that every time you get your welfare check,
Hey, I prefer to call it temporary public assistance,
which by the way, is the right of every human being,
Sure, Bernie, whatever,
No, I'm being serious,
We need to become,,,
politicians,
Hey, All we've been talking about are ways to take down the man,
Why the hell would we want to become the mayor?
Just think about the Trojan horses,
- Horse condoms, - No,
Are you not talking about equine prophylactic,
The Trojan Horse,
The Trojans built a horse to sneak into the city of Troy, Look, never mind,
The point is that if we want to stick it to the man,
we have to get inside the gates of power,
What's the plan?
Simple, We create our own party,
And then we start running for office,
Doesn't running for election cost big bucks, man?
That's the beauty of it,
We get people to donate to our campaigns,
then after we lose, we can use the rest of the money for whatever we want,
It's all right there,
So, what are we going to call this new political party?
The Soviet Union party, SUP,
It's catchy don't you think,
You think that in the middle of the Cold War
- people are going to warm up to a name like that? - All right, All right,
Then what's your brilliant idea, Mr, horse condoms?
- Drop the Soviet, - Ooh,
- But that's the best part, - No,
Something Union,,, the something, you need that something,
- People's Union, - The People's Union? Poo,
Nah, That's no good, No, that stinks,
How about a bait-and-switch,
- Liberty Union Party, - Liberty Union Party?
"Hi, I'm from the Liberty Union Party, Give your donations to the Liberty,,,
to the Liberty Union Party,"
"We're from the Liberty Union Party,"
It's not bad,
All right,
To the Liberty Union Party,
- Woo! - I got dibs on governor,
Democrat Thomas Salmon wins the Vermont Governor's
race with 54% of the vote,
- Hmm, - Republican Luther Hackett
was second with 44% of the vote,
- Not bad, - And Liberty Union candidate Bernie Sanders
with a very, very distant third,
with less than one percent of the vote,
- You want another beer? - Giddy-up,
- Right, - Oh, hey,
Oh,
When you have a chance, could we
get a couple more drinks?
Yeah, Oh, hey, did you win your race?
- No, It was close, - At least you're trying, right?
Yeah,
Um, I'll have Alex send a couple beers,
Okay,
Hey,
That waitress, huh?
Yeah, I don't know, Bernie,
Maybe this wasn't, uh, such a good idea, Kind of got our asses handed to us,
Are you kidding me? While drinking on campaign donations,
- We'd be nuts to stop now, - Sanders, pay your tab,
There you go, My tab paid in full,
And there's an extra five
- in there for you, my good man, - Five dollars,
Yep, That's what the Liberty Union party is all about, helping the working man,
Oh, yeah? Well, this working man's going to take this five dollars
and buy that house on Lake Champlain
- I've always dreamed about, - Hey, good for you,
Jesus,
- Are we gonna smoke that or what? - Yeah, you got a lighter?
- No, - Got any matches?
Oh my goodness,
Bernie and his pals ran for every office
from Cemetery Commissioner to Governor every election cycle,
Hello, miss? No?
And as Chaucer said
in The Tale of Melibee,
"Familiarity breeds contempt,"
And for a Frenchman, he was spot on,
The more Bernie and his radical buddies ran for office,,,
Next!
,,,the worse they did,
Good day,
So,
There I was standing on the street corner,
A public thoroughfare, by the way,
My leg! Ooh!
My leg! Anyone?
And I was knocked to the ground because of my political beliefs,
Do you know the penalties for filing a fault workers comp claim?
Is it bad?
If you like spending three years in the slammer,,,
- not so bad, - Three years?
There's an echo in here?
I'm cured! It's a miracle,
There you go, There you go, Merry Christmas to you,
Ah, Please, Bernie was left once again to ponder his future,
But as quick as you can say Jerry Garcia, the perpetually unemployed
Bernie made friends with some once and future ice cream entrepreneurs,
Next election,,,
I'm gonna run for senate, I'm thinking,,,
that the Liberty Union Party having a candidate for the Federal Office
will at least double the campaign contributions,
Well, failing upwards is an American birthright,
Yeah, man, one word, Ted Kennedy,
So can I put you guys down for contributions?
Look, man, we've got ice cream to make,
Yeah, man, And flavors to invent,
Almost forgot to tell you,
I met a woman who has agreed to marry me,
I'm Santa Claus,
- Ho-ho-ho! - No, seriously,
We're going to Moscow on our honeymoon,
Oh, Moscow, Really?
You sure you don't want to just go to Youngstown?
Youngstown? Eugh,
Seeing Moscow has always been,,, my lifelong dream,
Well, good luck with that,
Expensive ice cream, as if that will ever catch on,
Oh, man, I could go for some ice cream right now,
And so, Bernie and the nice waitress from the bar got married,
and off they went,
And their honeymoon was blissful by all accounts,
No, not to the Caribbean,
No, not to Mexico, not to Cancun,
To Moscow!
So,,, want to,,,
- rock the casbah? - No, thank you,
- Come on, please, - Honey, since we have been here, all we have done
are visit the tombs of Lenin and Stalin where you weep uncontrollably,
- But I told you that those guys are my heroes, - Be that as it may,
it's not exactly the kind of thing that puts a woman in the mood,
You're kidding me, seeing the open caskets
of embalmed communists doesn't get your juices flowing?
Because it sure does for me, baby, Come on,
May I please have the toilet paper?
Fine,
- How much you gonna need? - Just give me the damn roll!
Wait,
- Can we at least pretend to have relations? - What?
They're listening,
And I want to make a good impression on the comrades,
When we get back, I am filing for divorce!
Oh, you still want it? Well, yeah, we can,,, we can do that,
What? Oh, yeah,
Yeah, do you like that?
Here we go, Come on,
Yeah, Yeah, There it is,
There it is, Oh, There it is, Come on,
Just a little bit, Just a little bit,
Yeah, just a little, Oh, a little more,
Yeah, Harder, Harder, Okay, Harder,
Good, Give it to me, That's good,
Yeah, Yeah, There it is, Yeah, come on, Dammit, that's good,
That's good, Yeah, there it is, I like it, Yeah,
There it is, Hold on, Hold on!
There it is! Good! Yeah! Yeah! Ah!
Yes!
That man,,,
is freak,
Da,
Her toilet paper needs were extremely excessive,
So, what's next, man?
Well,,, I've been submitting my short story to a number of publishers,
Author, Author,
Simon Schuster or Random House,
Um,,,
- not exactly, - What if the rating thing doesn't work out?
I have every confidence that it will,
Why don't you set your sight a little lower,
Lower than writing porn? Because I feel like that's pretty sufficiently low,
- I'm, uh,,, talking about your political gig, - Oh, yeah,
- Yeah, that's,,, that's,,, that's what I was talking about too, - Oh,
Instead of running for governor or senator,
why don't you try something more local, like school board or,,,
Or, I'm just spitballing here, man, but mayor,
Chunky monkey,
Hey, calm down, Jerry, calm down,
Chunky monkey, Chunky monkey,
What do overweight primates have to do with anything?
- Just coming up with a new flavor banana ice cream, - Chunky monkey,
Good boy, hey, good boy,
Hey, if you want to run for Mayor, we could put a petition in the ice cream shop,
And then Ben and,,, or Jerry gave Bernie the most
unfortunate of ideas,
Mayor, huh?
Ice cream for monkeys,
And like Daisy Duck and Donald Duck, Minnie Mouse
was never actually married to Mickey Mouse
and now you know the rest,,,
That's interesting, I didn't know that,
Hi, this is Burlington Mayor, Gordon Paquette,
It's been my pleasure to serve you for the past decade,
"It's been my pleasure to serve you for the decade,"
We've come a long way, but there's more to do,
I hope I can count on your vote on Tuesday, so we can keep making
Burlington the biggest city in Vermont,
"I hope I can count on your vote on Tuesday,"
- Bernie! - "Biggest city in Vermont," La-di-da,
Bernie!
- Comrade Stalin, is that you? - Oh,
- But how? - Air time is surprisingly expensive,
Even in your little Vermont,
- So, listen up, - Oh, yeah, I'm all ears,
Yes, sadly, this is your order number 227,
Order 227? Isn't that a little drastic?
You must win mayor election,
The guy in there now, he's pretty solid,
They're traitors, panic makers and cowards
will be liquidated on the spot order 227,
Comrade?
Hello?
I'm so,,,
- Hmm? - Good day,
I'd like to get my name on the ballot for the next mayor election,
Mayoral,
- Excuse me? - It's not mayor election,
- It is mayoral election, - I stand corrected,
- I bet that happens to you often, - Not if I'm sitting down,
You know, stand corrected, sitting down?
Not a fan of public laughter, okay,
So, are these signatures real
or are they just people you buy or sell dope from?
Well, both,
- What party? - Communist,
Oh, Not a lot of commies elected in Vermont lately,
- but hey, it's your funeral, - No, wait, wait, wait, um, socialist,
Um,,,
in,,, independent?
And only because you don't have a snowball's
- chance in hell of ever being elected, - Right on!
Vote for me!
God help us all,
And Bernie caught lightning in a bottle,
Gordon Paquette had been a very popular Democrat mayor
of Burlington forever and didn't take Bernie seriously,
I mean, who would,
If you're in there, you should vote for me!
A vote here, A vote there,
Oh my, Uh-oh,
All right, I'm just gonna leave this outside for you,
Mr, Sanders, Oh, no, No, no, no,
Not in the middle of the day, the lights are on, What's gotten into you?
Bingo bango, And at the age of 40,
Bernie Sanders had his first full-time paying job, mayor,
♪ Won't you take me to Funky Town ♪
- What media outlet did you say it's from again? - Teen Vogue,
Teen Vogue? You're French, That's excellent, Vive La révolucion,
- What? - Never mind, What do you want? What are the questions?
If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
If I was a tree? What is that, a trick question?
There's a lot of trees out there,
- Lemon tree, - Why?
Like Peter, Paul and the other one said,
there's a lot of lessons you can learn from a lemon tree because,,,
lemon tree very pretty and the flower, oh so sweet, but,,,
the fruit of the poor lemon tree is impossible to eat,
What does that even mean?
Well, the pretty flower represents the working man,
And the lemon, the bitter taste of capitalism,
Lemon tree, final answer,
Good day, I'm here to pick up my pay check,
- What are you getting paid for? - For being mayor,,, of Burlington,
Wait, wait, wait a second,
This isn't going to bounce, is it?
Not if people pay their taxes, no,
Rest assured,
Taxes,,, will be paid,
Wonderful,
Just wonderful, Just,,,
,,,wonderful,
My constituents,
as your elected representative,
I can assure you labors rights, managements rights,,,
I'm strictly neutral,
Mr, Mayor, how's it hanging?
Uh, low and loose, Hazel!
- Your secretary? - That's right,
She said to tell you she went to lunch,
Well, as soon as she gets back,
you can go ahead and make an appointment with her to see me
because as you know, my door is always open,
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a very important mayor business to attend to,
Something on your mind?
- Is it true what they say? - Depends on what they're saying,
What are they saying?
You got one of them blood pacts with that Chinaman,
- Mao Zebradong, - Mao? No, I assure you, sir,
that I have a blood pact with a completely different communist,
Now, if you'll excuse me, now that we sorted that out,
I have mayor business to attend to,
- Parking ticket? - Good eye,
I assure you, I am far too busy to deal with things like this,
The last guy had plenty of time to take care of these particular matters,
- So what? That was him, this is me, - And how long was he mayor?
I don't know, a long time,
- All right, I'll take a look at it, - Much appreciated,
All right, Now, if you'll excuse me,
Hazel, no more constituents today,
Bernie is now the mayor of the biggest city in Vermont,
If you consider 40,000 people big, he was making bank,
Sales tax,,,
All was not right in Bernieville,
Commander Stalin,
You were expecting Avon lady?
Bernie, being mayor of a small city is peanuts,
You can do better,
What could be better than being Mayor,
If I could kill 20 million of my countrymen,
the least you could do is get your sorry butt to Washington,
Washington,,, D,C,?
No, Washington, Iowa, Of course Washington, D,C,
Now get your ass to Washington and do what you said you would do,
- We have a blood oath, - Yeah,
How?
- Blood oath! - How?
How?
I'm going to run for Congress,
Sexual Congress? Pretty sure you don't have to run for that, man,
- Unless you're desperate, - What?
No,
United States Congress, Damn it,
Oh, I don't know about that, Bernie,
How about you call me Mr, Mayor, because you know,
- people are calling me that nowadays, - Wavy gravy,
Wavy,,, gravy,
- We gonna do something about that? - Wavy gravy!
- It's his process, man, - Alright, alright, So, where are we on me running for Congress,
Oh, I don't know, the Republican that's in there right now
- is pretty solid, - Solid shmolid,
Why you so hot about it, man?
Last night I got a visit
from Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili,
- Please don't tell me you're talking to Stalin again! - Shh, Not so loud,
- Okay, Okay, - Did you know
that congressmen make $74,000 a year?
- They get a huge expense account, - Dude,
Right,,, Mr, Mayor, Please,
- You in it for the money or to help the people, man? - Wavy gravy,
Wavy gravy,
Wavy gravy, Wavy Gravy!
Damn it, Jerry, You said you weren't gonna drop acid again, man!
Why can't it be about the money and help with the oppressed?
Because they can't exist together,
Hey, vote for me, Come on,
Like a menu in a Chinese restaurant,
Bernie took a little from column A
and B, and he ran for congress,
- Care to buy a poppy? - Oh, no, no, I'm not a big believer in terrorists,
But, uh, however, I do like poppies for, uh, for other reasons,
You do understand you can't smoke these poppies, because I get that a lot,
Oh, my mistake, Well then,,,
good luck to you and your needy people, sir,
I promise that if you elect me to represent you in Washington,
I will force all wealthy people to pay at least 100% of their income in taxes
and also make them work in factories or possibly even salt mines,
Are there any questions?
- I was told there would be donuts, - No, there are no donuts,
Any other questions?
Okay,
- So, did you enjoy my speech? - It was okay, I guess,
Then perhaps you'd like to come over to my walk-up apartment
and check out my copy of Das Kapital? It's a first edition,
Yeah, you gotta be kidding me,
What did you think of my speech?
Okay,
Polls just in for the congressional race puts
Republican Peter Smith at 72%,
Burlington Mayor Bernie Sanders at 15%,
And I Don't Remotely Care at 10%,
Look, it's not that I don't agree with your position on the issue,
but I think you might want to consider toning down the rhetoric about
rounding up rich people to work in the salt mines,
Wait, so you're saying that people don't want the rich working in salt mines?
- Pretty much, Yeah, - Playing the happy game,
At least you're polling a little higher than I Don't Remotely Care,
Guys, what am I gonna do? I gave up the mayor's job to run for Congress,
There's always your porn writing career and
- public assistance, - Territory you know well,
Ice cream man is right, Always go with your strong suit,
Bernie,
Bernie!
Yes, Yes, Commissar,
- You have a higher calling, my son, - What is it?
- What is my higher calling? - It rhymes with "battery,"
Cattery?
- Cattery? - I don't even have any cats, I'm allergic,
Anarchy,
Your higher calling is anarchy
and taking down capitalism, Sheesh!
No disrespect but, uh,,,
battery doesn't exactly rhyme with anarchy, so,,,
- You dare to question me? - No, I'm,,,
- You want to go to Gulag? - I don't want to go to Gulag,
- You are going to be in Gulag so fast, - Please don't put me in Gulag,
Don't,,, don't want to be in Gulag,
Dude, Are you okay?
Yeah,
- Yeah, - Massive flashback,
- Cool, - Yeah, what were we talking about?
What you're going to do next, man,
Right,
So, what is it, back to the writing thing?
Yeah, Um, yeah, I do love that bondage fantasy piece
that people seem to really like,
There you go, Fly, Bernie,
- Fly, - Yeah,
But fate intervened and Bernie didn't
need to rely on writing porn,
So there was an assassination attempt on President Reagan,
And in the ensuing backlash, Congress proposed gun control called
the Brady Bill, The incumbent Vermont Congressman,
a republican no less, voted for the bill,
♪ This is my country my damn country ♪
♪ Give me my country you can keep the rest ♪
♪ This is my country my damn country ♪
♪ And that don't mean a thing if you don't pass the test ♪
♪ If you ain't never cheated I've been cheated on ♪
♪ Then take off your boots you rhinestone frog ♪
In fact, Vermonters love their guns, even the hippies,
And they're not inclined to vote for someone who wants to restrict
their second amendment rights, Quite right,
Yee-haw!
I sure do love guns,
Woo! Woo-hoo!
♪ So then it don't mean a thing if it don't pass the test ♪
♪ If you ain't never spent a single night in jail ♪
♪ Then get another job and I'll see you in hell ♪
♪ I'm drawn like a moth to the neon lights ♪
♪ I need a packet of beer and someone to fight ♪
♪ Don't call yourself country 'cause your music is shitty ♪
♪ Or this Carolina boy will take you down to Fear City ♪
♪ You know who you are I ain't gonna name names ♪
♪ Just keep your hands off my country and go back from where you came ♪
Well, you know, you get the picture,
Bernie frigging Sanders becomes a United States Congressman,
Woah! Let's all dance to that one,
Yes, Think about it, Congressman Sanders, let it sink in,
So,
What's the Washington plan, man?
Well, I'm thinking that I lay low,
Wait for the country to come unravelled economically,
And then launch my plan with Soviet-style Socialism,
- Communism, - Socialism,
I thought we've been talking about from each according to their ability,
- to each according to their need, - No,
come on, man, It's all about the redistribution of wealth, man,
I mean, we've been talking about this for a while,
- No, Ben, trust me on this one, - Don't cave into the establishment,
Trust me on this one, If we call it Communism,
then all the people that we're trying to quietly co-opt
are gonna go running for the hills,
Okay, but aren't Vermonters
gonna expect you to pass legislation in the meantime?
Vermonters think that I'm a gun guy, So that's gonna buy me plenty of time,
Shotgun sherbert,
- So, guys, - Yeah,
Come here,
Yeah,
So, Now that I'm a congressman,,,
how about a little,,,
- consideration, - Consideration?
Yeah, you know, just a little bit of cash to help with
the expenses moving to Washington,
Bernie, doesn't the government pay for that?
Well, yeah, but you know,
this isn't that,
You know, I may be in a position,,,
where I could help two certain ice cream manufacturers with some, you know,
certain national distribution issues,
- Is this a shakedown? - Shakedown sorbet,
No, it's just a little,,, consideration,
Well, then,,, I'll consider it,
Cool, Yeah, Okay,
Well, as you guys know, I hate rich people,
- Man, - I hate rich people, Not that you guys are rich,
Don't make me hate you too,
- Look for a wavy gravy container in your mailbox, - Good, Good, very good, Good,
We've created a monster,
Yeah, monster marshmallow mash,
- Home run, man, - Bro,
- Yeah, - That turned the day around,
Yeah, it did,
Hey, it's the commie from Vermont!
Oh, hey, Bernie,
- What you writing? - Just authoring some legislation,
- No, no, really, what you got there? - No, come on, give it back,
Give it back! Hey, Hey! That's important,
Whoa, "I held her down and she resisted,
but I knew she wasn't into it,"
Holy shit, your legislation is a bondage fantasy?
You are gross, Sanders,
I'd like to get me a piece of that,
Someday I'm going to be in charge,
Then you're going to be first in the Gulag, first,
Ow!
This is no good,
when I'm looking at this, it's not going to work,
I mean, we're polling terrible with African Americans,
With the pipe fitters, and with rational adults over the age of 30,
This is problem why?
Because the pipe fitters are my pathway to victory,
Mm,,,
- We kill all pipe fitters, - What?
Yeah, Round them up,
Yeah, but they can't vote for me if they're,,,
Of course dead men can vote, Why you think your JFK becomes president?
Well, fair enough, but let's just,,, let's put a pin in that for now,
- Or a six inch stiletto, - Yeah, No, wait, No, No, no,
Just spitballing here, Just spitballing here,
How about,,,
we round up all political prisoners and put them in Gulag,
Um,,, I,,, I like where you're heading,
However, let's,,, let's not put the prison camps in front of the horse quite yet,
Hmm, Fine, Bernie knows best,
Yeah,
Feeling lonely and disillusioned,
Bernie made friends with someone who could help him with inclusion,
It's not easy being the newbie, is it?
No, No, if I'm being totally honest? No, it's not,
You know,,,
Tom Foley made me do a Kabuki dance in front of
the entire house leadership, My freshman year,
One time I had to do an Irish jig in front of the entire
Burlington Lions Club, so, you know, I feel your pain,
- Things we have to do to get elected, - Yeah, Yeah,
I like you, honey,
Where did you say you were from again?
Vermont, It's,,, it's, Bernie, by the way,
- Vermont? - Yeah,
Where the hell is that?
It's basically East New York,
Do you? You really like me?
Let me give you a little advice, Ernie,
Play your cards right and you can do real well here,
- Yeah, how's that? - Well,,, let's just say
I put down a down payment on a kick-ass mansion in Los Angeles
with a damn fine swimming pool,
You know,,,
money is in the Senate,
Huh, How big is your mansion?
And Bernie would get his help,
Vermont's Republican Senator decided not to run again,
Seeing an opening, Bernie ran for senate, And despite not having passed
one single piece of legislation as a congressman,
Bernie Sanders was elected to the United States Senate,
Which begs the question, are all Vermonters on drugs?
Ha-ha!
Very mature,
Ooh!
Hi, my name is Jane, My perfect man is someone
who would not want to be checking all of his wife's bank forms
and accounting records and such things, and is up for cashing in,
Not picky about looks but a disheveled man
is a turn-on,
And by the authority vested in me by the state of Vermont,
I now pronounce you man and wife,
Or whatever you identify as,
We're going with Manchurian Candidate and wife,
You may kiss the bride,
Flush with marital bliss, the new Mrs, Sanders
set out to do exactly what her dating profile said,
She became the President of Burlington College, and quickly put
the institution out of business,
Gross,
And fulfilling his part of the Faustian bargain,
Bernie decided to run for president,
I mean, why not?
And so today,
I announce my candidacy for
the office of Chief amongst equals,
I mean, President of the United States,
Woo! Presidential pistachio pudding,
Oh! Ben, can you do something about that?
- All you got to do is ask, man, - Come on!
- Geez! Well, where was I? - Heads up!
Oh, geez, What's going on here?
Oh, lovely looking group here this morning, really nice,
And by the way, if you can send a few dollars to Bernie Sanders, I would appreciate it,
Morning, Seattle!
I want to thank you all for being the most,,,
You better get up there, girl,
- Get up there and let him know! - Black lives matter!
Black lives matter!
Pretty damn good coffee too,
Progressive my ass,
You just as racist as the rest of America,
We ain't doing this today, Bernie,
- No? - No, we're not listening to
no more kooky crap,
Black lives matter,
- I want my microphone back, - No, It's a new day,
- Give me my microphone, - Black lives matter!
Black lives matter!
- Give me my microphone, - Black lives matter!
Black lives matter, Bernie!
I paid for that microphone!
The taxpayers paid for this microphone,
- No! - Black lives matter!
Black lives matter!
I'm thinking,,, next time I use one of those
megaphones 'cause, you know, the harder the steel,
You should have gotten the damn mic back, Bernie!
In my defence, she was a very large woman,
Look, I didn't sign up to be first lady of loser!
Figure it out!
Despite Bernie's rocky start in his tenuous relationships with
the black community, lo and behold, Bernie started to win primaries,
much to the consternation of you know who,
So, what will it take for you to cool your socialist jets and endorse me,
I am not for sale,
- Of course you are, - She's negotiating,
and, ooh, that's hot,
- Don't you let her push you around, Bernie! - Me, Tarzan, You, Jane,
- Huh? - You're the media buyer for your husband's campaign, right?
- How do you know? - Like all media buyers, you get ten percent of the ads
- you place, - No comment,
Mr, Feel The Burn here has spent a hundred million in placed ads so far,
- That's ten million in commissions, - I'm not that good at math,
So, riddle me this, Jane, what happened to your ten mil commission?
Is it buried under a rock in your backyard next to your bogarted stash?
You can name your price or you can be found by
the park police next to the cannon,
Yeah, but that's the one, that gets them every time,
This fosters the gift that keeps on giving,
So, Comrade, what is it?
All right, All right, Hypothetically speaking,
if there were a boss vacation home at Lake Champlain
that should happen to come our way,
just maybe, maybe, I don't know, maybe I should retire to that place,
A lake house? That's it?
Really? Talk about a cheap date,
And we want an Audi A8 sports car,
I'm sick and tired of driving that piece of crap Prius,
That Audi is a bona fide pussy magnet,
- Trust me, I got me one too, - Shut up, Bill,
Sure enough, See, our relationship is complicated,
I want an endorsement statement from your campaign tomorrow,
- You'll get your endorsement when I see the goods, - Don't mess with me, Bernie,
I will be President of all the land, except for the deplorables,
And I will kick your little commie ass from here to Des Moines,
And she will, if you don't believe me, ask Joe Biden,
You'll make better care for all
part of your platform and campaign in Wisconsin and Ohio,
Sure, Bernie, Whatever you say,
Whatever you say,
♪ I got a job in the valley but today I didn't go ♪
♪ I need a day off work the boss says hell no ♪
♪ I'm gonna get drunk ♪
♪ And smoke three packs of Malboro ♪
♪ And part of me thinks I ain't never,,, ♪
Even though Bernie was technically still the United States Senator,
after his deal with Hillary,
he took time out from passing his signature legislation
of getting post offices renamed to enjoy the good life
at his newly acquired lake house,
The masked wonder is here!
Oh, Bernie, would you knock it off?
I'm not in the mood,
Burlington College is bankrupt,
- So? - "So?" So, unlike you, I'm president of something,
- So? - So, I followed your Venezuela financing plan,
Venezuela?
Burlington College is finished,
And you said it would all work out,
- Did you use other people's money? - Of course!
- People's Bank, - There you go,
You did it wrong,
- What? - Yes, you should never use the bank's money
when you can use the taxpayer's money,
- Oh, so it's my fault, - You said that, I didn't,
You know what, Bernie? I think you should run for president again,
Hillary said she'd kill me if I did,
And I think she means it,
I'm willing to take that chance,
Huh,
I would just like to say, I totally hate rich people,
And I would just like to say,,,
uh, and I would just like to say,,,
I totally hate rich people?
Poor Bernie, He lost his way again,
I've done everything that I can, I thought there would be more chicks,
I got nothing, Comrade Stalin,
I'm taking a lot of crap out here,
A little help would be nice,
What is it? What is my higher calling?
Anarchy, Your higher calling is anarchy
and taking down capitalism,
I promise that I will force all wealthy people to pay 100% of their income in taxes,
And to possibly also work in factories,
Or maybe even salt mines,
Bernie was once again all the rage with the young socialist crowd,
and quickly gained the attention of a like-minded rising political star,
Are you f###### kidding?
Yes, Jane, I understand, The College is bankrupt,
There's nothing I can do about that from here,
Listen, Oh, Somebody's here, I must go,
Must go,
Miss Ocasio Cortez, pleasure to meet you,
- Likewise, I'm sure, - Take a load off,
So,,, here we are, two people of different generations trying to take
the country downtown to Socialism Town, corillo,
Sure, Sure,
Together we can make history,
Ah, I understand that you were a bartender before,
- That's right, - Well,,,
can we discuss something that has been on my mind
- for quite a while now, - Climate change,
Huh?
Income inequality,
- How do you make a Manhattan? - Excuse me?
Yeah, I've always been confused, do you use whiskey or bourbon?
I can't believe you just asked me that,
It's always confused me,
- That is totally a lit question, - Lit,
People often say that you could use bourbon or Canadian whiskey,
but you really have to use rye whiskey,
Otherwise you're mixing up a whack insult to a proper Manhattan,
Well, that answers that question, thank you,
And I like to make sure that the orange peels and bitters
- are good and smushed up in the bottom of the glass, - Smushed, Yes,
- Oh, and make sure you pour the sweet vermouth slowly, - Slowly, Got it,
And I can't stress this enough, but don't over shake the whiskey and vermouth
once it's in the ice, because if you over shake it, it will dilute the whole thing,
I'm totally against diluting, just tell the greedy corporations about that!
- Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, And,,, - What, for God sakes,
One more thing, people often mistake a Manhattan
- with an Old Fashioned, - And this is an issue for you?
It's a tragic mistake because a Manhattan is sweetened with sweet vermouth
and an Old Fashioned is sweetened with sugar, Yuck,
- Uh, Bernie? - Oh, look, The cat video,
Aw, that's so cute,
So, there you have it,
A tale so curious it may seem quite spurious,
Do as you want, do as you hunch, but please remember,,,
there's no such thing as a free lunch, Chin-chin,
I hope he enjoys his lakeside house,
Maybe I'll get an invite, What a bastard, eh?
And he's got this wonderful private bank in the south of France, I hear,
But probably just a rumor, Lights out,
Oi, oi!
Got what you asked for,
I need a drink, Proper Manhattan coming right up,
Here,
That's a bag of dirt,
Yep, I dug it up just like you told me to,
♪ ,,,move to a town that's right for me ♪
I have to put dirt on my, uh, my opponent,
Oh, I got that too, And for future reference,
it's actually opposition research,
Yeah, Or oppo search, as some of us in the biz like to call it,
Oh, well, that's good, We'll go with that,
♪ Talk about ♪
First off, turns out Pete Buttigieg is gay,
- He's married to a man, - Really?
- Yeah, Oh, there's more, - Very good, Very good,
Well, I'm not too sure about the reliability of me sources on this one,
but Elizabeth Warren has been pretending to be Native American,
When really she's an Asian woman, That's totally different,
Totally different,
- Anything else? - Oh, yes, I have,
Get ready, Okay, so, I found a dossier,
all right, in a dumpster right behind Hillary Clinton's house,
It said Donald Trump once paid hookers,
and get ready, to urinate on a hotel room bed in Moscow,
Hey? Oh, you're gonna hit him really hard with that tidbit, now aren't you, hey?
- Hey? - I am so screwed,
- Proper Manhattan, - Oh, yeah, Thanks, love,
That's nice, I'll have that, Good on you,
- Are we there yet? - Patience, Comrade, Patience,
♪ Won't you take me to Funky Town ♪
If I'm being honest, I'm not really thrilled
the way either of these two jokers turned out,
How could you say that? I was Mayor of Burlington,
- Careful, kid, - Yeah,
Bernie is accessing his feelings,
- So we all need to support that, - He could support my boot up his ass!
Yeah, Well, I'm not the one that took my wife to Moscow on a honeymoon,
- What a loser, - Ha!
Oh, yeah, at least I wasn't an incel, pal,
Okay, let's all dial back the hostility meter a few clicks,
I wouldn't have had that heart attack
if this guy hadn't got addicted to Twinkies, the little shit,
- Dial it back, - Yeah, well, you wouldn't have embarrassed us all if you
didn't fold like a cheap five dollar suitcase to Hillary,
- What he said, old man, - Yeah,
What I got to say about that is,
Ah! Ah!
Yeah, Bernie's fantasy bondage porn story was,,, pretty creepy,
I mean, trying to have your wife have sex with you while the KGB listens in is,,,
quite frankly beyond the pale,,, even for me,
♪ Kill the signal ♪
♪ Rewrite the message ♪
♪ Point the finger ♪
♪ Count your possessions ♪
♪ Hope you sleep tight tonight ♪
♪ The lunatics have taken over the asylum ♪
♪ I hope you sleep tight tonight ♪
♪ The lunatics have taken over the asylum ♪
♪ Hate when they tell you to hang ♪
♪ Love when they say it's okay ♪
♪ Still you have nothing to say anyway ♪
♪ And you don't even know you're a slave ♪
♪ Lies are shining ♪
♪ Truth is fading ♪
♪ If hope is coming ♪
♪ I'm still waiting ♪
♪ I hope you sleep tight tonight ♪
♪ The lunatics are taking over the asylum ♪
♪ I hope you sleep tight tonight ♪
♪ The lunatics have taken over the asylum ♪
Hasta la vista, Bernie,
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