You know me, This is the 12th time I've seen you,
I've seen your colleague six times,
Yeah, And this is like the 13th time I have to ask, "Where's your passport?"
- I don't have a passport, - Exactly, Next!
- No next! Espérame, Wait! Wait! - Espérame?
Okay, look, I got an asylum hearing coming up in Houston
that I've been waiting for for 22 years,
And if I get that asylum granted, I can eventually get a passport,
Please, God, I've been begging for the last six months,
after I was kidnapped and brought to Mexico against my will,
And no one's willing to help me,
Right, Yeah, you were kidnapped by the Olive Tree Cartel, it was, right?
No, no, Don't do that,
My lawyer said if I can get a laissez-passer,
I can legally cross the border,
Maybe just come to terms with the fact you're Mexican now,
Okay? Feliz cumpleaños,
All right, I'll tell you what, If you give me a laissez-passer,
I'll donate to your vacation fund,
You want to go tubing in San Marcos?
Because I can't afford more than San Marcos,
You want to bribe me?
Who said bribe? Nobody said bribe, I didn't say bribe,
I did not… Put your hand down, I didn't say bribe, I said donation,
Politicians take donations all the time,
I'm gonna need you to politely…
fuck off,
♪ Riding along in my automobile ♪
♪ My baby beside me at the wheel ♪
♪ I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile ♪
♪ My curiosity runnin' wild ♪
♪ Cruisin' and playin' the radio ♪
♪ With no particular place to go… ♪
Hey, Mo, why you want to go back to America so bad?
I mean, here you have your own place, your own business, a handsome best friend,
What are you talking about? I live in a janitor's closet,
I'm juggling all these jobs, And I got to dress like a luchador later,
- You're gonna fight a luchador? - Who said fight? I'm gonna wrestle,
They're gonna fuck you up,
The Palestinian Bear!
They're going to kill me,
Whoo!
Not the kidneys,
I may look festive, but…
I'm dead inside,
Maria never teach you how to make tortillas?
No, She's always been so busy, But I got a good grip on it,
Oh shit!
Didn't see that coming,
♪ My curiosity running wild ♪
♪ Riding along in my automobile… ♪
- It's my grandma's recipe, - That's lovely,
- Excellent, - Thank you,
No one believes I was kidnapped,
♪ I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile… ♪
Oh, so sweaty! Aw!
Man, that's my friend, but I'm glad I bet against him,
Oh God! It's real, It hurts,
Look, man, I can get you to Houston by tomorrow,
I'll hook you up with these two coyotes that owe me a favor,
Bro, I'm not doing the coyote thing,
Last time, I was on a motorcycle, Guns were involved, I almost died,
Has Maria called you yet?
- No, But she will when she's ready, - No, He's too proud to call her,
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Is that Maria?
Yeah,
She makes me wanna go to America,
Could you please go there?
- You're being mad disrespectful, - Sorry,
♪ Ridin' along in my calaboose… ♪
Hi, Mo,
- Ms, Camila, Back again, - I adore your special tacos,
I'm not depressed, That's overused,
Okay, quiet down,
I'm sad, Just really, really sad,
Borderline depressed,
No, No, I don't wanna go!
I wanna be like you, free and untethered,
Go wherever I please,
Okay, Fine,
Walk away,
♪ With no particular place to go ♪
Everyone else has,
I don't know about this embassy shit, Lizzie,
Every time I go there, it's like starting from scratch,
I know you're frustrated, Mo,
but the laissez-passer is your only option,
There's got to be a better way!
There isn't, This is the process,
Process, Okay,
You know, my friend Fernando has a line in through a coyote,
- Maybe it's worth the risk, - No!
Absolutely not, Do not do anything stupid like that,
If you get caught, it'll essentially kill your entire asylum case, Okay?
Do you hear me? Trust the process, Mo,
The process, Is this your favorite word? Is it the word of the day?
Enough! Listen to Lizzie's advice!
Hey, Mama,
How you guys doing? I miss you, Did you get the money I sent?
Yes, habibi, thank you, Thank you,
Besides missing you, all is good, Alhamdulillah,
Busy at Buddy's farm, pressing oil,
And we have our hearing next week, Hamoodi,
I know,
I'm gonna be there, Inshallah,
You're going to be there?
How? What are you going to do? Ya mama,
I don't know, I'll figure it out, I love you,
I love you, habibi,
Don't do anything stupid, Mo! Nothing,
I'm sorry, What? I can't hear you,
It's getting really sketchy out here with the signal,
Next!
Oh God! It's the Olive Tree Cartel,
Come on, man, How many times I gotta tell you?
I was kidnapped with olive trees by the cartel,
Yeah, that's great, You're still not a citizen though, so…
I need to go home,
My family needs me,
And I need a laissez-passer,
Who does it look like I am?
I'm behind the counter, you understand?
I'm basically a glorified cashier for the State Department,
Laissez-passers are not going through guys like me,
What about him? Can he help me out?
Ambassador Lewis? Yeah, he can do whatever he wants,
- Can I get a meeting with him? - You want a meeting?
With the ambassador, a meeting?
All right, I know-- I know it's a big ask,
But if he just heard my story for ten minutes,
I'm sure he'll understand,
Come on, man,
This means a lot to you, doesn't it?
Yeah, it's my whole life,
I can't guarantee his office will even put me through,
But if it gets you out of my life, I'll call him,
I'll be gone, Literally,
- You know who else we should call? - Hmm?
The head of the CIA, Yeah, forget Russia, Putin can wait,
As long as you get home,
That's what's priority number uno to me,
We should call an emergency UN meeting right now,
Mohammed Najjar needs my help,
- Okay, - I'm gonna make sure he gets home,
Okay, I see what you're doing,
- You see what I'm doing? - Yes,
I'm fucking with you, man, Come on,
You don't fucking get it, Okay?
I've been waiting to become a citizen for over 22 fucking years,
and all you needed to do was give me a goddamn laissez-passer, and you decided…
- Okay, Not my things, dude, - Fucking asshole!
- Guys, get him out of here, - That's all you needed to do,
That's enough, All right,
Real mature, I'm gonna do somebody a favor who acts like a child?
- Laissez passer, that's all I needed, - Okay,
- Fuck you! - Fuck you,
Fuck you and your fucking pedophile mustache,
Okay, he's strong for real,
I have an asylum hearing to get to!
- They tell me to trust the process! - So American,
Don't trust the process,
Do you wanna make it to your hearing?
Don't be a bitch,
Let me hook you up with my coyotes, They're not like cartel,
They're a very small mom/pop, you know, family-owned business,
I'm not gonna trust a guy selling weed out of his cart,
What, are you working for the feds or something?
- Hola, Camila, ¿Cómo estás? - Bien,
I'm just saying you've been bouncing around that embassy for months, bro,
You think anybody there can actually help you?
- Help you with what? - Nothing, Don't listen to him,
No, really, What? I know people at the embassy,
Oh yeah? You know the ambassador?
He's my husband,
Snagged a white dude,
Seriously?
Yes,
Shit,
CLOSED
And I've been stuck in Mexico ever since, That's why I sell falafel tacos,
I joined a mariachi band,
And I'm doing a little lucha libre wrestling on the side,
That doesn't surprise me,
You're quite muscular,
That's true, I am,
Um, you don't think it's too much to ask
to connect me with your husband for a little meeting?
Of course, you poor thing,
- Ah, - You were essentially kidnapped,
100%, I was kidnapped,
Thank you,
Tell you what, Mohammed,
- Is it Mohammed, yes? - Yes, Yeah,
- "Mo" being the short form? - Yeah,
We're hosting a small party, Friday, at our home,
for the Consul General of Monterrey,
Why don't you come?
- I'll introduce you, - Really?
I don't even know what to say,
I'll give you all my details,
- I can't promise you anything, - Sure,
But I hope we can get you home on time for your hearing,
Thank you so much for this, Really,
Uh, can I bring anything?
You're so sweet, but no,
- Although… - What?
Why don't you bring that lucha libre mask of yours?
- Yeah, - Just for a laugh,
Okay, Yeah, For a laugh,
Yes, Of course,
Oh!
I don't care about other men, Daniel,
I care about you,
That's why I'm telling you, Daniel,
I don't like you putting pressure on me like that
with the famous wedding,
All right,
Hey, it's Maria, You know what to do,
Hey,
Um, sitting here watching TV,
Having dinner,
Um, just want to say thank you for setting me up with your tías,
I mean, Tía Rosa is so sweet,
Tía Luisa…
She's very opinionated,
Look, I know I said a lot of things that I probably shouldn't have,
I was just having a lot of feelings,
And it's normal to have feelings,
I mean, if I didn't, then I'd be a sociopath,
Uh, I'm not a-- I'm not a sociopath, I'm…
Because, you know, I'm like anti-sociopath,
I'm just really tired,
I'm just really, really tired and, uh…
What I'm trying to say is--
- Message sent, - Son of a bitch!
You know what disappoints me, what makes me sad,
is when someone pretends to be one way and isn't,
when they try hard to win over others and then their mask falls off
and they turn out to be someone else,
Maria…
How beautiful you look!
My princess!
- I've missed you! - Then why did you abandon me?
Abandon you? I would never,
Do you think you can just walk back into my life?
Love has made me such a fool,
I would be a fool if I were ever to abandon you,
That is not the case, Maria,
I love you,
My love,
Why do you scorn me so, Maria?
- Hamoodi! - Mama!
Why did you leave us?
I didn't leave you, Mama!
Take the key and go home,
A key?
Hamoodi,
Crystal?
Oh, Crystal, it's good to see you,
- A key! - Habibi!
My love,
You ruined everything,
What's wrong, darling?
Just thinking about a dream that I had,
Ay, are you okay?
Mm-hmm, Yeah, I'm fine, It's just a little pinch,
- You know, I called Maria, - Ay,
- And? - What did she say?
Nothing, It went to voicemail,
Voicemail? How many rings before it went to voicemail?
Two, I think,
Two? Ah! She's not gonna call you back,
Ay, Luisa!
But it's true,
- Do you love her? - Of course I love her,
If you really love Maria, give her this,
It was her grandmother's,
I can't take this,
He cannot take that,
Why not?
You're not ready to ask?
I don't think she wants me to ask,
Of course she doesn't want you to ask,
Not now, maybe,
Let me know when,
But I have known Maria since she was a girl,
And I know what I see in her eyes when she sees you,
Disappointment,
Shut up,
No, you shut up, It's true,
Now you know your heart now,
I know you will make things right with Maria,
What if she says no?
Oh, she's gonna say no, Of course,
Either way, it is hers to keep,
- Thanks, - I'm so happy for you,
Oh, thank you so much, Tía Rosa,
Thank you very much for that,
- Maria's gonna be so happy, - I don't think so,
- Why do you hate me so much? - I don't,
I'm honest, I'm an honest person,
You? Honest person?
- Always with the blah, blah, - Oh, always what?
Leave the man alone, Let them be,
- Cheers, - Cheers,
- Hi, how are you? - Hi,
Coming through,
- Go right ahead, sir, - Thank you,
Hi, how are you?
Wow! It's so beautiful,
- Hola, - Señor,
Mmm,
- Oh! - Excuse me, Mo!
- Llévese los tacos, porfa, - Sí,
- Gracias, - I am so happy you came!
Oh, thank you for having me, really, I feel so underdressed,
Oh my God! You look amazing,
You look amazing,
- You just saved me, - You're saving me,
I mean, thank you so much, really, I can't thank you enough,
Oh no, I hate old people and small talk,
- So boring, - Yeah,
You want anything to drink? Sit, Come on,
No, I'm good, I don't really drink, but, um…
Well, there's champagne, wine, beer,
- No, I'm good, Um… - Just a little bit of the champagne,
- No, I'll do-- I'll do, uh… - No?
- Topo Chico con lemon, - Sì, señor,
Ah,
- Poquito? - No, I'm okay, really,
- Okay, I'll do this myself, - Thank you, though,
It's that kinda day, huh?
Kidding,
Mmm, You know, I brought the lucha mask for a laugh,
I got my ass kicked, by the way,
They said it was fake, but they beat the shit out of you,
- Really? - Yeah, they really do fight,
I love that you brought the mask,
Mm-hmm,
I adore the texture of your beard,
- Excuse me? - Your whiskers,
Oh!
- How do you keep them so supple? - Yeah, I get that question all the time,
I have a fantastic beard routine,
Yeah, It's all to do with the oils and combing process,
- Yeah, - Can I touch it?
Sure,
Mmm,
- Yeah, - Oh, Exquisite,
Okay,
Exquisite,
You should be very proud,
- Don't worry, I'll introduce you in time, - Okay,
What's it like being in this political life like this?
- You know, not depressing, per se, - Mm-hmm,
Though sometimes it does graze the border,
I'd say more… lonely,
Yeah, I get it,
I get it, I was talking to a stray dog who wanted nothing to do with me,
I had snacks in my pocket, He could care less,
- Looked at me and just said-- What? - What happened to your finger?
Nothing, It's from a tortilla press, Just a little pinch,
- Let me put some cream on it, - It's not necessary, It really--
Don't be silly, I insist, Follow me,
- Okay, - Now,
All right,
- Not here, - Oh,
Let me see,
Uh…
Does that feel good?
I'm feeling something, Yeah,
- Um, shouldn't we get back there? To the-- - Can I confide in you?
Of course, Mm-hmm,
Promise me you won't laugh,
When I was a little girl, my mother took me to see Lawrence of Arabia,
Mm-hmm,
Know that scene where Peter O'Toole gets caught by the Turks?
And they strip him down,
pinch his skin,
tied him up to a bench?
No, I don't, I think we should get back to the ambassador,
Well, it left quite an impression on me, and ever since, I always had these…
I guess you could call them fantasies,
- It's strictly role play, of course, - Okay?
With me not being Lawrence, but…
someone similarly compromised,
Ah, Wizard of Oz is a good movie,
- Yeah, - It's wholesome, family-friendly,
- It's all about going home, - "There's no place like home,"
No place like home, Exactly, And I need to get home,
That's the whole point of me coming here, So you could help me get--
- Is this home? - No, No, no, no,
N-- No, No, No,
Uh, listen…
This… What the…
- Where is your mask? - It's…
You know, it's--
I brought it, just like you asked, but I didn't--
I love it,
Would you put it on?
I… I can't do that with you, We gotta…
Let's not, Your hair is so nice, I mean, we gotta…
We gotta get back, you know, We should definitely get back,
Gather for the Ambassador's speech,
They just said speeches!
Be a good wife, Go listen to your husband's speech,
- I hate speeches, - Okay, uh…
- They're boring, - Maybe this one will be good,
You have to walk out first,
Fuck!
They're gonna fucking kill me,
- I will talk to him, Okay? I promise, - Mm-hmm,
Gracias, Ambassador,
- Buenas noches, - Mm-hmm, Buenas noches,
Hasta luego, Gracias,
Gracias,
Would you take care of my friend? He's so lovely,
Mo, How are you?
I'm well, Thank you so much for having me,
We're gonna fix this, Have a seat,
Uh, no, Not that one, This one,
It sounds like what you need is a laissez-passer,
Yes, Exactly,
- It's not a problem, - Are you serious?
If you can get me some supporting affidavits by Monday morning,
I will have you at an Astros game by Tuesday night,
Love the Astros,
And I think they do have a game on Tuesday,
This was a real Hail Mary for me, Thank you so much, Ambassador Lewis,
Well, it's really my wife you should be thanking,
She's taken quite a shine to you,
Oh, she's, um… She's very kind,
So you like her?
I mean, I like a lot of things,
I like tarneeb, It's an Arab card game,
- Yeah, I know it, - I like Elvis,
I like bananas in pancakes,
I'm gonna be straight with you,
Most of my life, I've been a very powerful man,
But that kind of power dulls the senses in the, uh…
the less public aspects of my life,
It makes it so that I tend to seek out moments
where I can discreetly lose control,
- You understand what I'm saying? - No, I… I don't,
I want you to sleep with my wife,
In your Palestinian Bear mask,
While I watch,
Come on,
Nothing has to happen between you and me,
All right? I won't touch a hair on your head,
Ambassador, I'm… I'm in a committed relationship,
At least committed to a relationship, So…
- Is she in the United States? - Yes,
She will never know,
Um, so let me-- Let me just, for clarity,
You want me to, um…
canoodle your wife or do you want me to noodle your wife?
I want you to have sex with her,
Look, that's not gonna be able to work,
All right? I have real performance anxiety,
I dated a girl once, She had a dog,
He was staring at me, I was staring at him,
He was like, "What are you doing to Mommy?"
I was like, "I don't want to do this while you're looking,"
And then, it just went down, And it just doesn't work,
Mo, take a breath,
- Mm-hmm, - It's gonna be okay,
We're just gonna take it slow,
Okay look, if this is what it takes to get me back to America,
then I'll call my friend Fernando who will definitely do it,
Wait, I'm… I'm… I'm…
For sure he'll do it,
I'm sorry, do you think I'm asking you to sleep with my wife
in exchange for the laissez-passer?
- Yes? - Oh my God, No… No!
- No? - No, that is not it at all!
Yeah, okay, now I can see how you would think that given the--
But no, Oh!
Wow!
I am so sorry!
- Oh man! - Ha!
- That is not the deal, - No apologies needed,
- So I can still… - Of course!
- Oh, and I don't have to… - No, I mean, unless you want to,
- No, I don't, But I mean, she's gorgeous, - He does not want, Okay!
- Know what? Forget I even brought it up, - Brought up what?
- I don't even know what you're saying, - Come on, Let's have a drink,
All right? A little, uh, mea culpa for any discomfort I may have caused,
No problem, No, you know, I normally don't drink, but, I mean…
Here's to your safe return, And a peaceful end to the conflict,
What? Conflict?
Israel-Palestine,
What?
Uh, nothing, Don't worry about it,
No, please, What is it?
Well, it's not really a conflict, Right?
Excuse me?
I… A conflict implies there's two equal sides,
There are two sides,
Well, one side is occupying another, so it's…
And the occupation, if that's the word you insist on using,
is the basis of the conflict,
So you're for the occupation?
No, Wait, Do not put words in my mouth,
That is not what I said,
Then where's the conflict?
A conflict is a protracted disagreement, yes?
Sure,
Is the situation a protracted disagreement over land?
Yes,
Well, all right, then,
To the end of the conflict,
And the occupation,
Goddammit, I am trying to use terms here that we can both agree on,
You can't agree on occupation?
The term "conflict" includes the occupation!
"Conflict" is used when you're like, "I can't make lunch today,"
"I have a conflict,"
Not when there's a military occupying power,
And you don't have the balls to say it, so fine, You know what?
Let's toast to peace, Come on, Everybody loves peace,
Let's toast to peace, Come on, Come on, please,
You know what? I got a toast for you,
Get the fuck out of my house,
How's that for a toast?
Have fun spending the rest of your life in Mexico,
Just take a deep breath, Let's start over,
I will call for the fucking Marines, so help me God,
- I didn't want to talk about it, - Get the fuck out!
It's still not a conflict,
Sorry,
Oh, Ambassador?
Uh, your wife had this finger all up in her mouth,
Little twirl, All,
And you didn't watch,
Prick,
So you couldn't just take a shot of mezcal and fuck the man's wife?
Am I supposed to sell out my people?
Yes, It wouldn't even be you selling out your people,
It'd be the Palestinian Bear,
Call your coyote friends,
I only have two days to make it to my asylum hearing,
I'm gonna do it,
Can I help you with the baby?
- No, no thank you, - I'm here for you,
Let's go, Hurry, okay?
Oh God!
Oh no!
No, no, no, no,
Oh no!
Where are you going, friend?
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Look ♪
♪ This ain't a tan My skin the same color as sand ♪
♪ From the motherland Look down and see the world in my hands ♪
♪ Government bans I'm just here to fuck up the plans ♪
♪ Dance after dance Just like the world's stuck in a trance ♪
♪ Amen ♪
♪ There's nothin' more priceless Than bein' free ♪
♪ Immigrant, that's why they hate me Just for bein' me ♪
♪ We ain't wanna leave overseas We were under siege ♪
♪ Leave us in shallow graves But still the love is deep ♪
♪ Bloodline royal, need our seat back ♪
♪ 40's in the foil Had to boil where I sleep at ♪
♪ Tell you that they love you That they loyal, they can keep that ♪
♪ They don't want the soil Just the oil that's beneath that ♪
♪ Back to feed the people Fuck your pity and your feedback ♪
♪ Racin' with time It's gettin' hard to even keep track ♪
♪ They sold democracy for a discount ♪
♪ Nothing's addin' up That's why I gotta make this shit count ♪
♪ When freedom comes Better lock your door… ♪