Growing up, the Mount Everest of big wave riding
was just down the street,
and Tai Alonzo was leading the pack,
And I just wanted to be him,
He was like Superman to me,
Tai was am atomic bomb, man,
He blew up big time,
He was a bomb in the water,
and maybe too much of a bomb on land, too,
The first time I saw this image
on the cover of a magazine,
I was like, "Oh, what is this?"
Like, it's this guy, like,
all like, tan and, you know, there was a coconut tree behind,
Oh, my God! Like, I didn't know
that was existing, you know?
The fame thing, it just builds and builds
and everywhere you go, it's just people wanting you,
They want you to stand with them at the beach,
They want to take you out to dinner,
They want you to do something because of the prestige
of being with you,
You expect him to get covers like Surfer Magazine,
but when he got Time Magazine, no one could believe it,
It's crazy how, you know, sometimes
you can be the best ever,
but if you fly too close to the sun,
you're gonna get burned, And that's it,
You hear all kinds of stories about
what ultimately led to his getting booted from the tour,
But to me, it's,,, it's just stories,
It's part of why he's a legend,
You go climb the mountain,
and you climb the mountain, and eventually,
I mean, the mountain has a slope going down the other side,
and there's a cliff on the other side,
It appears that he climbed the mountain,
turned around, looked backwards, and fell over,
You know, I don't know what happened to Tai,
One day he was riding the biggest waves,
he was winning world championships,
he was on the cover of magazines,
And then, he sort of disappeared,
Mr, Alonzo!
Not cool! I was in the flow,
We need to have a word,
Meredith Hammer, your new Dean of Student Affairs,
What, here to drop the hammer on me?
I know, I began my new position today, Mr, Alonzo,
Now, if you'll just follow me into my office,
We can talk right here, I got some choice papayas,
some apple bananas,
-Some mangoes somewhere, -No, no,
My office, now,
Sister! Oh, I mean, Dean, It don't have to be this way,
I'm just showing you some aloha,
I can tell she just landed,
Cuz, you better hurry up
before she calls up some real cops and everything,
What you supposed to be?
Security,
Now means today, Mr, Alonzo,
It says here you've been a student for 17 years,
Oh, yeah, Unreal how much I've learned,
It's a scam,
Why you gotta say it like that?
Oh, I don't know, Maybe because you've taken
Introduction to Astronomy for 21 semesters in a row,
Yeah, I dig the stars, I'm on point, A minus student,
Yeah, And you're getting a scholarship to be here,
100%,
100% what?
100% what, what?
Okay, What are we even talking about right now?
Yeah, my girl Cheryl in the financial aid department,
She's awesome, Fill out all my paperwork,
Check all the boxes,
I don't know whether you're aware, Mr, Alonzo,
but this college is now part of a national
accredited institution of higher learning,
Yeah, I heard about that,
Offering legitimate degree programs,
Perfect, then! I'm the perfect student,
A minus, I would be the perfect poster boy,
Nope, As of today, your scholarship's cut off,
-What? -Until I see you actually
progressing through a degree program,
Unnecessary for being that way,
You know what? Can't we just maybe, you know,
do a whole do-over--
-We're finished for today, -Press the reset button
-on the whole morning, -No reset,
So uncool,
Here, take this,
Maybe, just maybe, you might reconsider to reconsider,
-Hey! That's my van!
That's where I stay!
Wait!
Wait! Wait!
Wait!
Fuck! Right there!
That's my vehicle! Why are you stealing my vehicle?
-I'm just doin' my job, -That's where I live!
And that right there is the board I'm shaping!
Campus police said you've been out there six years
in a six-hour parking spot,
Who cares? Nobody counting!
That right there is my daughter's birthday gift!
Look, man, you can come by the yard a little later on
and pick it up, but you're gonna have to pay the tow fee,
-How much? -$500,
Plus the impound fee,
Cuz, me and you, we'll cut one deal,
-I got like $80, maybe $73,
But it's in the vehicle!
With my choice papayas!
So basically, the same as,,,
you know, yesterday, and probably tomorrow,
And I'm gonna be honest with you folks,
probably for the rest of the month,
Let's take a look at the satellite map,
Oh, wow! Would you look at that! No precipitation, No clouds,
Steady daytime temperatures of 85 degrees,
So whatever,
Back to you, Mahina,
-Thank you, Doug,,, -Psst,
-,,,for that in-depth report, -How'd you get in here?
You suck as a weatherman,
Yeah, No doubt, brah, I hate it,
Besides, everyone just checks their phones, anyway,
What's the point? The weather on the island is the same
every single day,
Yeah, except during hurricane season,
Oh, it's different then? Thanks a lot, Tai,
-Yeah, -Guys, I'm on air,
What are you doing here?
Hey brah, I need to borrow some cash,
No, no can, Martini has me on a budget again,
I got kicked out of college,
Took my van, everything,
For real? How come?
Some dean from the mainland
with her panties in her bunches,
Wait, she had her panties in a bunch?
You know what I mean! She just snapped,
Kicked me out of her school,
Sorry to hear that, But maybe it's time
to pull the big boy pants on like everyone else,
Brah, I've been wearing this since 2001,
It's my lucky board shorts,
Maybe your luck's run out,
Or maybe, you know, you strangled it,
-because you got too fat, -Hey! Shh,
Guys, I'm live on the air,
So what's up?
All I need is $700 and 17 cents,
I'll pay my child support, my car, and my food,
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Check this out,
Mahina, You did that story on Nalu Ha'i Cottages, right?
-and what they're looking-- -Doug, I'm live on air,
For like two people, Take it down a notch, But for real,
Come on, Weren't they looking
for a surf instructor or something?
That was in my report,
-Yes, -There you go,
Big boy pants time,
Here, Use my phone, Call 'em,
Hey! You guys! I'm trying to report the news,
Can you please go?
I apologize to both of you,
Big boy pants,
Wasn't his lesson supposed to start at 2:00?
2:00 Hawaiian time means more like 2:30,
-Okay, Well, it's almost 3:00, -Exactly, Um,,,
He's down at the Coast Guard checking on waves
and tidal conditions,
I think you should just forget it, babe,
Are you kidding? We just hired the best instructor
on the island, I mean, you've probably heard of him,
Tai Alonzo?
Gonzo Alonzo,
You definitely don't want to miss out,
Do you really want to do this?
Woo-hoo!
-You sure he's coming? -Yeah, Totally, Um,,,
Why don't you guys head down to the beach,
and get some sunscreen going,
You know, that might take a while,
-Okay, -Take your time,
Totally,
-What's up, sistah? -Hoy! Over here,
-Woo! -Over here, Tai,
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, my,,,
-Hey, how's it-- -You're here,
-I love your enthusiasm, -No,
You were supposed to be here, like, two hours ago,
-What is this? -Employment documents,
Just sign it and get out there, You have students waiting,
-I have students? -Babymooners,
Babymooners? What is that, babymooners?
They're pregnant, I guess that's what people do now,
-They, like, surf? -Just him,
But she's definitely the one wearing the pants,
Hey, let me know if you need pointers,
-I can help you, -What are you talking about?
On the phone, You said you surf, You, like, compete--
Nah, I'm good, Thanks,
Remember, the flip side of fear is commitment,
That's a Laird Hamilton quote,
Not even! We said that at the same time,
Okay,
Oh!
I'm loving those fierce warriors I'm seeing this morning,
Now, find that giggling newborn
as you ease into
ananda balasana,
Oh, yeah, Looking good,
Happy baby pose, That's my favorite,
Stay focused,
Stay with the plan,
And imagine me feeling each and every one of you
with my life-giving manna,
If you're looking for the real stuff,
hit me up for some surf lessons at the beach,
They gonna be on point,
Oh, shotay, shotay, shotay, Oh, shotay,,,
Ignore the infantile and breathe,
Stay focused, Fight through with the breath,
Aloha, everybody, Coming at you
with today's daily rubber neck surf check,
And the surf today, oh, still pretty flat,
But gets some rogue waves every now and then,
You better watch out, Don't wanna get caught by them,
Low tide at 8:00 a,m,
And high tide coming in at 4:30 p,m,
That wraps it up for today's rubber neck surf check,
Lose the booties,
because we don't let nobody know you're tourists,
I'm sorry, who are you again?
I usually tell my students to lose the rashguard too,
YouReviewHawaii,com says that there might be urchins
or coral heads out there,
Don't worry about that, sistah, I get 'em,
This is my church, This is my playground,
I know every inch of this place,
Uh, are you the guy on the website?
What you looking at, brah? Huh?
It's just,,, she said we'd be getting instruction
from an actual pro surfer,
You know Kelly Slater? You know Laird Hamilton?
You know Andy Irons? Dave Kalama?
-You know them? -Yeah, of course, but--
Well, then, okay!
So you still compete, or,,,
-Ranked number three, -Okay, you are ranked
number three, or you were ranked number three?
Exactly, All right, Let's go surfing! Come on!
♪ Ride a wave, here we go ♪
Don't worry, Paddle out, Looking good, Looking good,
-Keep paddling, -You're doing great, babe,
Keep paddling out,
He's got a strong stroke,
You've got a strong stroke!
All right,
Go to the right towards the peak,
That's right, Paddle out to the peak,
Go to the right!
Right there! Keep going!
Paddle like he showed you!
-Hey, let me see that, -What?
What is it?
Holy!
Oh, my gosh, What's happening?
Turn the board around! Turn the board around!
Now paddle! Paddle like I showed you!
Paddle like he showed you!
-Go! Go! Go! Go! -Go! Go!
Swim to the light!
Do something! I am not gonna be widow!
Martha!
Ah! Right there!
-Go get him! -Yes! Good job!
Hoo! That was the real stuff right there!
Not everybody gets to experience that the first time!
The what? You almost killed him!
Yeah, but you will always remember that,
I think maybe I should have worn the booties after all,
Nah, Don't worry, The best way to treat vana,
you gotta let me piss on 'em,
It will disinfect and will push them out,
-Wait, what? -Yeah, I drain coco water,
I take care of that,
-I just-- -Keep him right there,
The divinity within me honors the divinity within you,
Namaste,
Oh,
-Nice work, coach, -Brah,
Can't you see I'm in the middle of a surf lesson?
As was I, A word, please?
-Let's go, -Baby, Hi, baby,
You are forbidden to talk to my students,
Not during class, not outside of class,
-Not ever, -Forget that,
This is where we start and end,
We've been surfing this spot for hundreds of years,
And your loin cloth gymnastic yoga, that's all new,
Yoga has been around for literally 10,000 years,
-So has your breath, -What?
-And your BO, -What?
-What, you deaf? -My breath?
My breath is scented with jasmine
from the Himalayan foothills,
Brah, I don't even know your name, but you make no sense,
-I make no sense? -What? You deaf, too?
Try this on for scent,
The peace of inner yoga also has a name!
Hey! You're not even wearing underwears!
My practice doesn't allow it,
-Whose breath is stinky now? -Get off me!
-Come on! Get off me!
Diaper boy attacked me out of nowhere,
Please, my name is Shivandranda,
-Whatevers, -He was looking at my students
with lust just oozing from his sacral chakra,
Brah, with that accent where are you even from?
I am the only one allowed to look at them like that,
Okay, Shh, both of you,
Listen, I didn't want to say anything,
but you leave me no choice, Here's the deal,
Mr, Kahele is way behind on bills,
The hotel might get foreclosed on,
I thought his family owned this place for, like, 100 years,
If we don't get shut down by the county first,
-Wait, wait, County? -Shh,
Point is, if we want to keep our jobs, we need every guest
to have the best experience they've ever had,
Yes, Each one must have a true,
divine experience of aloha
as do my disciples each and every day,
-Yeah,
Brah, brah, brah,
Brah, Hey,
The Babymooners, you really messed them up today, brah,
Those two? He'll never go surfing again,
And you never lose money off of them,
No, I'm not in the surfing business,
I'm in the hotel business,
You ever heard of YouReviewHawaii,com?
The wife has super viewer status,
A bad review from her gets read by thousands of people,
-Thousands, -Thousands upon thousands,
I think you guys are all exaggerating,
No,
She wrote a glowing review about the Ka'anapali Beach Hotel,
Which got picked up by The Huffington Post,
Okay, I'll go talk to 'em,
-Hoo! You do that, -Shh,
Brah, I know back in the day,
you were somebody, a big-time surfer,
I respect that, Alonzo Galonzo, Galonzo Alonzo,
I respect that, But you gotta respect us, brah,
This hotel, this place, has been in my ohana
way before missionary times,
Kings and queens would stay right here,
My ohana made like a refuge, A safe haven for everybody,
Yes, boss, I already told him all of this,
He just doesn't listen, you know?
-Shh! -Okay,
Bro, we also had plenty of celebrities,
Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra,
-You know JFK? -Yeah,
JFK and Marilyn Monroe, brother,
they'd come over here in a disguise,
take Cottage Number Six,
-You know what I mean? -For real?
For real, brah, I no kid you,
And I know you would never disrespect,,,
the Holy Trinity,
Definitely not, boss,
My cousins,
Each one of them have enjoyed our ohana's hospitality,
So you know what I'm gonna do, brah?
I'm gonna cut you some slack,
'Cause I like you, And I really need a surf instructor here,
And you can make Hawaii great again,
All you need to do is make things right
with the Honeymooners, The Honeyboomers,
The Honeybabes, Make it right, Make it pono,
-Make it right, -Yes, make it pononui,
With them and with me,
I forgive you, hermano, Embrace me,
-Just get it over with, -No,
Why's he always got to do this?
-Aw, man, -Hold me, big man,
-Okay, -Let our natural chakras
commingle,
Oh, man, this is getting weird, okay?
We don't have this kind of time,
-No, it's not weird, -It is weird,
-No, it's weird, -We are one,
No, we're not,
Remember, your eyes are the steering wheel,
Your core is your engine, The ,
Where your power pumps are,
♪ Movement with the ocean And the surf ♪
♪ Is breaking away ♪
♪ The sun is high ♪
Ya-hoo!
Nice!
Perfect! You listened to instructions perfectly!
I couldn't hear anything you were saying,
-Yeah, right, -No, serious,
I didn't hear a thing you said,
Hey, you know what? We'll review everything tomorrow,
Okay? Perfect first sesh,
You're going out?
Hey! No gliders over here! Get out of the water!
No gliders over here!
Only surfers, no gliders! No gliders!
Ha ha! This is for gliders, Woo!
White boy, let's rap!
Hey! Come on! Wait, come back!
Come on back! Come on!
You hang up there! I only say that because
-I can see it when you fly over! -Woo-hoo!
Come on, boy, let's go!
This is our spot, Get out of here,
Careless meth nut!
Dougie!
-Dougie boy! -What?
Dougie!
He doesn't live here anymore,
-Again? -Yeah,
-You kick him out again? -Uh-huh,
I was just talking to him the other day,
-Everything seemed to be good, -Bye,
-Psst, Hey! -Dougie!
What up, brah? Got kicked out again?
For buying a new video game system,
So?
And I stole some of her pakalolo,
-Okay? -Okay, shh, All right?
And she thinks I'm flirting too much with the intern at work,
-You did that? -No,
Okay, maybe, And the other day,
the chick actually smiled at me,
Like, a friendly smile, You know those kind it's like,,,
-You know? -Feel good,
-It felt real good,
-Anyway, what's up? -I got that job,
Oh, shoot! Brah, congratulations,
But I didn't get my van back yet,
So I was hoping maybe I can sleep your place,
Brah, there's no way, I was just about to come cruise down
and check you out to see if I could crash with you in the van,
Hey, we'll dig, We'll figure something out,
Hey! I know it's you,
Listen, Finish mowing,
I'll pay you $20 at the end of the week,
-For real? -All yours,
But no messing around, Okay?
-Who's that? -Eh! Nobody,
Best run, I'm gonna sit on your ugly ass,
Don't sit, I gotta go,
Cannot bring your homeless friends to work,
I don't even know who that guy is,
Hey, so what? I can get a cash advance for the lawn mowing?
Mm,,, no,
Don't forget the Babymooners,
Make it pono, Make it what?
-Hey? Make it what? -Pono,
Pono,
Yeah,
Wait! Ho! Wait!
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, Hold up,
Hey, I just wanted to apologize about yesterday,
Swami boy, he can be a prima donna,
We are cutting the babymoon short,
There's no use in being on vacation
-with him in pain like this, -Why?
We have so much to do here in the Islands,
-Oh, yeah? Name one, -Yoga,
Oh, pfft, What? For like $90 a session?
No, no, everything on the house,
I'm talking golf, surfing, we have deep sea diving,
We can do, you ever did paper, scissors, stone?
Huh? We got dot-to-dots, Connect Four--
All right, We'll try the yoga, But no more surfing,
-Ever, -Okay,
-Yeah,
Come on,
So, you guys want me to get your bags?
-You work here? -Why? Who are you?
Are you or are you not employed by this hotel?
Brah, do I even know you?
Come on, man, Just answer my question,
Why? You a cop? Fed?
Dude, that wasn't even here this morning,
Oh, so you do work here,
What is this supposed to even be?
I'll tell you what it is, It's vulgar,
And it's a clear violation of Code 14716527A
of the Hotel and Recreation Use Act of 2014,
Yeah, well, it looks like somebody squatting
-and taking a dump, -Come on, man,
Yeah, because, look,
if you look good, they're squatting,
and you get boom, boom,
It's gonna cost the hotel $1,000,
And it's gonna cost them $500
for each additional day it's there,
Give that to your boss,
It's a self-portrait of a guy, that's what that is,
-Taking a dump, -I heard that,
Whoa, Like bionic ears and stuff,
-Whoa, -I can still hear you!
This thing's supposed to be on top of the roof,
I thought they were going on the side,
-Hey, boss, -Yeah?
The county inspector came by,
They're gonna fine you because of the graffiti on the wall,
Shoot, brah! I knew that guy,
He's gonna kill me and make me maki,
I'm tellin' you, boss, It's a scam,
What are you talkin' about, Tai?
I think they're trying to squeeze you out,
Oh, brah, I never think about that,
I didn't think about that one,
Hey boss, if you need somebody for dig around,
I'm your dig around guy,
Okay, dig around guy, I tell you what,
You get any information, and you got
another $20 for you at payday, Okay?
Hey, boss, I got another question,
I know it's not the right time, but,,,
-Qué? Qué? -You know my daughter, Alana?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, -I get her one weekend
-for the whole month, -Uh-huh,
She from the big island, boss,
And I was thinking, you know,
she usually stay with me
-in my van,
The van's in the shop and,,,
I'm looking around, you got some vacancies,
You think you can hook her up with a room?
Vacancies?
You pay, can can, No pay, no can,
Let's go,
Do you know how to fix solar panels?
I did one installation and I took a repair class
a couple years back,
If you can fix them,,,
and repaint the wall with the graffiti,
then, I'll throw in another $20 come payday,
Hey, uh, you think I can get an advance?
Oh, also, boss said you need to fill in
for the tennis pro later today,
A couple from China just booked,
Okay! Whenever you're ready!
Let's warm up nice and slow,
Good one! Good, Plenty of power right there,
Maybe we can work on your lobs, like the real high ones,
No, no, no, My wife wants to work on her first serve,
It's most important part of game,
All right, Okay, Give me one minute,
Ow, my nutsack,
No, no, no, The first serve, The serve,
Yeah, well, this is how I like to do it sometimes,
Oh!
Hold on, sistah, Not much I can teach you there,
I was thinkin' maybe,,,
today, maybe tomorrow,
do a surfing lesson?
-Huh? -Okay, But lob practice first,
Okay, Lob practice first,
All right, then, Okay,
What the hell is that?
Hey! No pigs in the water!
See the wave coming?
Right, Now, get up! Come on, big boy! Get up!
There you-- Ah! No!
I see it, Fire of a champion, I love the hunger,
Yeah, Surfing's my passion,
She placed third in a contest in Manhattan Beach,
That's why I brought her out here,
She said she wants
-to place first, -Oh, yeah?
We're actually here 'cause she just got divorced,
-You shut it, -Again,
I am warning you, Maya,
Thing is, I actually already know how to surf,
-I really don't need a lesson, -See, that's where you're wrong,
It doesn't matter at what level you are,
everybody can improve, Everybody,
Yeah, preach, preacher,
You better listen to this little sermon, you hear me?
Yeah, I do, and I noticed that he said everybody can,
Maybe you should work on yourself, Mom,
All right, All right, All right, Hey, that's enough,
Hey, you know what? You know how I calm down?
-I jump in the water, -Great, So I can paddle out?
Yeah, Go ahead, we'll be out there in a second,
I'm gonna talk to your mom a little bit, you know,
-Go over the basics, -Okay,
You got a good girl there,
She's a spoiled brat, You see how she talks to me?
Well, you know how teenagers are,
It's her father's fault, He is a full-blown narcissist,
Yeah, but you saw her do this,
She understands there's a higher power,
Oh, she's just pretending to be a good little Christian girl,
Really, she's vicious and cruel, Don't trust her,
Oh, yeah?
-Question, -Yeah?
Do surf instructors ever get lonely?
This is all new to me,
What If I told you,,,
that I like to give really big,,,
-tips,
You know, it just came to me that,
you know the yoga instructor? He's lonely,
You know what I'm noticing right now?
I'm just really into your skin color,
Hey, Tai, Over here real quick,
Hey, that's my manager,
Hold on for a second, I'll be right back,
Okay, my little dirty chai latte, I'll be waiting,
-No flirting with the guests, -She called me chai latte,
Okay, No going back to their rooms,
-No hanky-panky in the bushes, -You gotta be joking,
Why would I be joking?
You seeing that action?
That was one hot, vicious cougar,
fangs out, she was going for it,
Okay, Point is, you gotta stop screwing up,
If occupancy rates drop more, we're gonna get laid off,
Well, good, maybe more time for surf,
I know that's how you like to live,
but you can't expect the rest of us to also,
Used to be like that for me, Prize money, Sponsorship,
But I wasn't happy,
And you are now?
Look, I have the ocean,
I get my daughter once a month,
Once a month? And that's cool with you?
Seriously? You never wanted to compete again
after you got booted from the tour?
Doesn't it piss you off to see all the other ex-pros
with big houses and endorsement deals?
Okay, Well, I haven't had my shot yet,
I want to go pro, But to do that takes money,
-Well, get a sponsor, -That's the thing,
No one will sponsor me unless I score big
at one of the contests, And to do that,
I have to have time to train, Find a coach,
Well, you don't have to worry about a coach,
you got one right here,
I've been doing this for a long time,
Look how you ended up,
-Oh, Shoot,
I have to get back to reception, but,,,
just try to keep your board shorts on, okay?
A hundred percent, Rash guard, too,
Good,
Look at you,
Hey!
-Oh, How was your flight? -Good, Good,
So what? You actually have a job now?
Yeah, surf instructor, But,,,
you know, they got me doing everything over here,
You know, I got cut off at the college,
Cut off? How?
Yeah, You know that scholarship
that I was using for my living expenses,
-paying for your child support¿ -Mom said you're behind,
-By like this much, -Like, by three grand,
And she said if you don't pay then I can't see you next month,
Hey, you know, I got a special birthday gift for you,
I don't need anything, Dad,
Just please pay her what you owe her,
Hey, see that? That's your room,
-Really? -Yeah, yeah, Don't get excited,
It's not the presidential suite or anything like that,
but it's something, you know?
Wow, It's nice,
Hey, by the way, how's Mom?
Why you looking at me like that?
Because you're looking at me like that,
All puppy dog eyes, Come on, Dad,
Your chances are not good,
Why not?
Because you owe her a lot of money,
And you already messed it up like 150 times,
Yeah, you're right, like your mom,
Look, I have a lot to do around here,
I have to teach surf lessons, Maybe teach a yoga class,
Tennis, I gotta put up solar panels,
I gotta paint a wall, Look, you hang out,
Go surf, Room service! It's all yours,
-Thanks, Dad, Love you, -Love you, too, Come on,
All right,
Yo, brother, Brother, I'm right here,
Right in front of you, Look,
No, no, no, No, no, I got one quick question,
There, Now, you may speak,
All right, You know those babymooners?
They're taking your classes the whole week,
Wonderful, Tai, Thanks,
Have them book with Kaila,
Here's the deal, You gotta do it for free
because that's the deal I gave them,
So you will be paying, then,
It's not for me, it's for the hotel,
I don't know, like, they're super reviewers,
A bad review would be the result of your pathetic lesson,
Come on, bro, It's no cost to you,
However, it would cost you $90 per person per session,
What? No more employee discount?
Perhaps you didn't hear me,
Ninety dollars per person per session,
That accent, where are you from?
Two words: breath mint,
Think about it,
Oh, it's you, You here for the van?
-Is that a,,, -Yeah,
-It's a blue ribbon attack pig, -Can I pet it?
Go ahead, He might take your arm off, though,
For real?
-Nah, nah, -Go ahead,
Pet him, Sweetest creature you'll ever meet,
No, no, I'm good, Hey, look, I got like $23 in my pocket,
and maybe, possibly, $70 in my van,
Look, tow bill alone is $600, man,
-You told me it was $500, -Inflation, man,
Plus, every night, man, it goes up another $50,
-Bro, why you gotta do this? -Brah, I'm just doin' my job,
You don't think you can help me out?
Maybe put me on a payment plan, like child support?
Wish I could, man, But I got bills to pay too,
Thing is, bro, the vehicle doesn't even run right now,
Look, man, $400 is the best I can do, brother,
-I don't got it, -Well, come back when you do,
You think I can get my daughter's surfboard?
-Hey, -Hi,
Hi, aloha, I'm Gina, I'm in charge
of sponsorship opportunities,
Well, thanks for meeting up with me,
Yeah, So who do you want to pitch to me?
-Oh, we'll talk over here? -Right, right here,
Oh, it's not for me, It's for my student,
Kaila Vincent, You guys gotta sponsor her,
-Okay, Is she ranked? -Trust me,
You gotta get in on the ground floor with this one,
Who are you again?
-You asking me that for real? -Yeah, Yeah, Who are you?
Sistah, Right there, See there? Huh?
In the flesh,
-Gonzo Alonzo? -Yeah,
Sorry, They said you just fell off the radar,
I'm back on it,
-Come follow me, -Shoot, sistah,
Okay, What you doing now, you little perv?
I see you, What you doing now?
-Can I help you with something? -Oh! Sorry!
This is where I usually score my meth,
-What, you the new drug dealer? -You're joking, right?
Do I look like I'm joking?
Do I look like a meth dealer to you?
Do I look like a meth head to you?
You literally just said, "This is where I score my meth,"
All I'm saying is that you could be a drug dealer,
Got him,
I'm telling you, this whole thing stinks!
You find anything on the license number?
Looks like it's registered to Conquistador Club,
I knew it!
What?
Dad, you need to calm down,
No, Alana, this is wrong!
They're gonna shut this place down so some donkey
from the mainland comes here, build his hotels,
so that they can mess up the surf for everybody,
No, This is not gonna be like Waikiki,
So what are you gonna do about it, Dad?
-There you are, boss, -Hey, brother, what's up?
The inspector guy, I think he's taking bribes,
For real? I've heard that before,
All them guys are taking bribes,
They're taking money from the big hotel,
Oh, man, I knew it, I knew it!
I'm gonna bust that guy, You watch,
Go ahead and bust him, But I tell you what,
Take care of your responsibilities around here,
The lady in number six, You know, Christian wahine,
Na ke Akua, God bless them, Everything's good,
-But they like what you did, -For real?
She wants another one-on-one lesson, Do 'em,
-For sure, -For sure? Of course, for sure,
'Cause I'm for sure, you for sure,
You know how to fix toilets?
I took one year of plumbing,
Oh! Guarantee you know how to fix toilets,
You know this right here, if I give you another $20
you can fix this toilet, I'll give it to you on payday,
When is payday?
Next payday, I'm gonna give you $20, You can handle?
Well, you know about this toilet right here?
It's special, Elvis Presley went
-right here in this toilet, -Ugh,
March 1966,
-You know how to do it? -Yeah,
Help me up, brah,
Hey,,,
Now, we turn, and we balance on your left foot,
Stay focused,
And remember that the blessing is your breath,
No, you, in the back, your left foot!
Left foot, Yeah, no, This one, okay?
This one, Yeah, Okay,
All right, Get out of here, Please, leave,
Now, roll it up like a burrito, Burrito boy, roll it up,
Very good, Yeah,
Indeed, yoga is not for the crippled or the meek,
Okay? Now, your breath is like your breastmilk,
It nourishes us in a cocoon of lactose-free lactose,
Okay, Oh, no, you don't, Okay, everyone, take a break,
Yeah, take a water break, Back in five,
-What are you doing? -When's cat cow?
-I like watching cat cow, -What are you doing here?
The boss got you on a special mission,
Then why doesn't he come ask me himself?
'Cause he cannot stand your accent and your halitosis,
Okay, I respect that,
-What is the mission? -You know the lady in cabin six?
She wants a one-on-one,
She wants to,,, You know what I mean?
You know, she wants to see what's inside your man diaper,
She's got the hots for you,
-Really? -Yeah!
Oh, yes, Yes, definitely,
Of course, you know, that makes sense,
I felt our chakras resonating,
Ooh, oh!
Mm!
Okay, Do I look like a beautiful man?
-Yeah, Yeah, go, -Okay,
-Yeah, -All right,
-Wish me luck, -Okay,
-All right! -All right!
Yeah! Go,
Okay, Come on, class, Come on, Come on,
I got something for you guys, All right,
All right, I got a special pose,
It was developed right here in the Islands,
It's called the urchin,
Or sometimes, the crouching vana,
-Well, hello, -Hi,
Delivery for Kaila,
-Sure, This is for me? -Oh, that's, your name is Kaila?
-That's me, -That's my grandmother's name,
-Beautiful name, -Thank you,
All right, Anything else?
Oh, that's just the inventory,
-Uh,,, wow, -This is the delivery,
Are you sure this is for me?
-Who sent this? -Sticky, Stickybumps,
Last name, I don't know, First name? I don't know,
-Okay,
What are you doing later?
In life? Or later on tonight? Either-or, Doesn't matter,
-I'm busy, Thank you, -Okay, Okay,
-Have a great day, -I'll be back,
I'll be back for this hand truck tomorrow,
Aloha,
I won't be here,
A field that has rested gives a bountiful crop,
Whatever you say,
So I guess you know what this is, then?
Stickybumps,
I have no idea what you're talking about,
It's a surprise, You got sponsored!
I mean, we did it together,
It's all just wax?
That's what they make,
Well, I can't use all this, I need cash,
You gotta start some place,
To me, this new stuff, too fruity,
It's not bad,
-You see this right here? -Oh,
They don't make wax like this anymore,
It's my special wax,
Are you kidding me? Move it, please,
This wax, I keep in my pocket
ever since I beat Kelly Slater, and I took the crown,
This wax have mana,
Mana that will win it for you,
Hmm,
And that is why I wish to pass this on to you,
-Wow, -Instructor to instructee,
Thank you,
Ugh,
Mission accomplished,
Mission accomplished, brah? I have no idea
-what you're talkin' about, -Cottage six is booked
for another week, at the minimum,
Oh, okay, Well, that's good,
They probably liked Tai's lesson,
No, it was I, Not Tai,
-It was you? -Yeah, man,
Okay, well, they happy, you happy, everybody's happy,
-Mahalo, -Mahalo,
Aloha, Malama pono,
Malama pono, Yeah,
Okay, then,
Well,,,
Mahalo, then,
And for the record, I myself am ecstatic,
-Oh, that's good, brah,
Happy for you,
Yes, because I'm in love,
Love, Great, brah,
-Love is a wonderful thing, -I know, I know,
And furthermore, she is in love with me,
-She's in love with you? -Mm-hmm,
-The lady in six? The mom? -Yes, Mm-hmm,
She's a bit older, but it's cool,
We have a mutual understanding,
She actually said this to you, she was in love with you?
She did not say it with her lips, my friend,
She said it with her pindink-ioni,
-Pinka-dinka-oni, -Yeah,
And she impindinka await my return, so,,,
Good talk, Okay, Bye,
Yeah! My trap worked!
So it was you that would tag the walls,
Release me!
So it was or wasn't you
that would spray graffiti on the walls?
Release me at once! I command you!
So, are you claiming you never tagged the wall?
I have no idea what you're talking about,
But if you don't get me out of this immediately,
I'll be forced to use
my kalaripayuttu skills on you again,
-Just answer my question, -Release me at once!
All right, look, I'll release you, but--
Kalaripayuttu is known to be lethal,
I'm not taking you off my suspect list,
There you go,
Get up,
My Pindinka awaits,
And I sense that she is not always patient,
Cool,
You go handle Padinka, Hey, I'm watching you,
-I'll be watching you, -I'm gonna be watching you,
-I'll be watching you, -I'll be watching you,
-You, -I'll be watching you,
-You,
Yes! Yeah!
Deep bottom turn, Kisses the lip,
Boom! Perfect ten!
Oh! She gonna be a champ! Hey, you should get in there,
-I don't have a board, -Use mine!
What's the matter?
Hey, you know what I was thinking?
You can come live with me,
-For high school, -In your van?
Nah, I can get us an apartment,
-Get rid of the van, For you,
-Mom, -Oh, Don't answer that,
She's gonna ask for money,
Hey, tell her I'm working on it,
-Hey, Mom, -Tell her I'm working,
I'm working really hard on it,
That's my student, I'm her coach,
-Qualifiers next week, -You? Her coach?
100%, Hey, remember, we all equals before a wave,
-Who said these words? -I just did,
-What do you mean? -What does it mean to you?
My wife said it was Laird Hamilton
who said these words,
That guy's a freakin' liar,
I just Googled, no lie,
Yeah, well, let me see what your Google say,
Let me see,
Google said that ,
Look, hey, The thing is,
you cannot believe what the internet says,
Especially here in the U,S,
The guy, Laird Hamilton, is a thief!
He stole half the things I said and did!
The big picture is that cell phones are rotting your brain!
No critical thinking, You should be surfing,
Instead of taking selfies all day and all night,
Hey! You gotta watch the placement on your back foot,
On the drop, you gotta watch the placement of your back foot,
A couple more inches up front, you'll be a lot more powerful,
-Sounds good, coach, -How's my special act?
-Working it?
-Is everything okay? -Yeah, we're just talking,
Good session, I gotta go for my evening dip,
Maybe find some lobster for dinner,
Or people's cell phones,
-Hey, boy, Come here, -I'm comin',
Hey! Hold up, Hey! Hey!
Woo! Woo!
Brah, you know my fire knife dancer?
He's sick, He no can do this,
So I need you, brah, I need you to go ahead
and do the fire knife dance with me, okay?
Say-hoo! Okay?
I'll throw in another $20 come payday,
-Say-hoo! -Say-hoo!
-Ah-ha! -Ah-ha!
Let's do this!
This next song I would like to play
comes straight from the heart, Kind of tugs at me sometimes,
So I'd like to just give you my mana'o
and my aloha to you guys, okay?
♪ When I think about my Island home ♪
♪ I smile ♪
♪ And when I think about my Island home ♪
♪ Sometimes I cry ♪
♪ Because some people came To my island ♪
♪ And they took it all away ♪
♪ And sometimes I'd like to Hit them ♪
♪ And kick them in the shin And make them go away ♪
♪ And then Captain Cook Came on the ships ♪
♪ They brought some diseases ♪
♪ And my people They can't live,,, ♪
Oh, what a wonderful song, I feel your pain,
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, coming up we're gonna get--
Every time I sing that song,
Wonderful dancer coming up right after this,
-on the bounty,
Ladies and gentlemen, from the islands of Tahiti,
Woo!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey!
Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!
-You ready to eat some fire? -What?
Ready to eat some fire?
Anybody want to eat some fire?
Eat the fire! Woo!
-Makes no sense, -Tell me about it,
They're the ones acting like little kids,
Worse, I mean, my mom hits on everything that moves,
It's disgusting,
Oh, yeah? This is the first job my dad has had in forever,
And I don't think he's gonna have it long,
I even saw him trying to teach yoga,
And they're the ones always telling us how to act,
-Oh, please, -Yeah, I know,
Kaila! Kaila, over here!
Hey! Busted!
-Now, what? -It wasn't my idea,
Take your mask off,
No way,
Second violation, $1,500 by tomorrow morning,
So how much you pay the kid to do that?
-Excuse me? -Come on, man,
Same thing every day, When are you gonna get creative?
Don't think I can't see through your scam,
I recommend you watch yourself,
What you gonna do? Hit me with your county clipboard?
Oh, no, let me see, You're writing chapter three
of your book how you sold out the Hawaiian Islands,
Don't think I never see you
with the developer guy
-in the parking lot, -Clear violation of
A4221242242-A, insulting and intimidating
of a county employee, punishable by five grand
or one year in prison,
You!
$5 grand or one year in prison,
Okay, Mahalo, So we'll see you next week,
Okay, Aloha,
You sold my poster,
I know I'm probably late for something,
Okay, so someone from the college called for you,
A Dean Hammer? She wanted you to stop by her office,
-Why? -Didn't say,
She wants to give me back my scholarship?
She didn't say,
-What, it's selling? -Made like $8 so far,
Like, yeah, you'd have to pay for a surf coach,
-Yeah, thanks, -Hey,
It's not tragic doing something you love,
Yeah, okay, Also, you make no sense,
And you gotta stop using other surfer's quotes
-like they're yours, -Oh, sorry,
Whatever, Don't forget to call Dean Hammer back,
And remember, if you're a hammer,
you tend to see all the problems
as a nail, Okay, I gotta go,
If I'm a hammer,,,
Hey, Where are you going?
-Home, -What?
Hey, what you doing here?
She's not even supposed to be here,
I told her she couldn't come, but she came,
Is that true?
Do you really think I want to be doing this, Tai?
Be the bitchy ex? I got bills too,
No, things at the college are changing, I,,,
Things change all the frickin' time, for everybody,
Brotha, you gotta grow up already,
This is from Family Court,
If you don't pay it, you don't get to see her,
Simple,
Alana, I promise, I'm gonna fix this,
I'm gonna make everything good, Hey,
Don't forget, I got that birthday gift for you, okay?
Tai, Please put it in the mail,
'Cause if you show up and you haven't paid,
I really don't want to have you arrested,
I may have underestimated you,
And I definitely underestimated you!
And how you messed things up for me and my family,
I'm sorry, The thing is,,,
I looked back over your file, Okay?
Prior to taking Astronomy 101 for 21 semesters in a row,
you actually took a wide variety of courses
in a wide variety of disciplines,
Yeah, except math, I don't dig math,
Oh! You see, that's exactly why I called you in here today,
This is precisely about digging or not digging math,
Yeah, well, you know it's just if you was a guy,
I would want to kick your ass right now,
But I'm digging the new look,
Yeah, the blouse, Your hair,
The plumeria in your ear, Wow! Looking sharp,
Real sharp, Look, you're wearing slippers,
I'm digging the whole tropical makeover,
Now, all you have to do is wear that with some aloha
instead of the mainland attitude,
Okay, So the reason I called you here today,
if you could complete just one math credit,
you would actually have your associate's degree
in several different disciplines,
Nah, no need, Math isn't for me,
You could even take the course online,
It would really help your job prospects,
Nah, I'm good,
Please, just think about it,
We want to see our students actually graduate,
It's the key to our success as well,
Please, just, you're so close,
Okay,
-No! No! No!
Hey, little man, Come up with that five grand yet?
What, you surf? Would you like a surf lesson?
-Excuse me? -Huh? On the house,
-That's not how citations work, -For real, For free!
On the house, brah, On me, What?
-I already boogie board,
Tai, boss wants a word in the office,
Hey, brah, where's Shivy Pupu?
I haven't seen Diaper Boy in a few days,
Yeah, he missed his Awakening your Magma class yesterday,
And maybe the day before, too, now that I think about it,
You know I avoid that fool at all costs,
Okay, we're gonna go with this meeting without him,
I, uh,,,
I got some really sad news,
They're gonna shut us down, brah,
Something that existed before the county,
Something that existed before there was a state,
Something that existed
before they stole the Hawaiian lands from our people,
What? Why?
'Cause I can't pay the fines, brah,
The graffiti thing that was on the wall,
That was number eight,
Then they said something about the cottages,
the zoning is not working,
Oh, We got 48 hours, brah,
-There's nothing we can do? -Like what?
I don't know, Take a pay cut?
You know, I really wanted to pay all you guys,
but that bank froze my accounts
until I can make everything right with the county,
Wait, so we're not gonna get paid for the last two weeks?
No guarantee, my friend,
Maybe you could go ahead
and teach the yoga class, brah, for tips,
I mean, I would really like,
and I hope you guys would really like that these guests
get one last mahalo nui,
One last aloha from us,
Wait, So you let me teach yoga, What about Moe?
What 'bout Moe? Let's go,
You know, in the positive column,
you can I can train together really hard,
'Cause you gotta win this surf contest,
-Not happening, -What are you talkin' about?
It's just a stupid pipe dream,
I started too late, I should have already won juniors by now,
What are you talking about? You got all the skills!
Right now, it's the best time to be a female pro,
You know what? It's actually better this way,
My aunt in Vegas has been trying to get me
to move out forever, And she could hook me up with a job,
And I'd be set,
We gotta do this one last one,
I've already decided, Tai,
Taking this job, and thinking I can make it
on the Pro Tour was a stupid idea,
I got a sponsorship and everything,
Free wax? Come on!
No, I'm booking my ticket tonight,
What's that?
This?
-Don't worry about it, -Hey!
Thanks for coaching me,
Hey! You should have let me piss on his leg
when you had the chance,
The infection spread all the way up to his knee,
We're just now getting back from the ER,
Hey, look, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry,
No, it's too late, The babymoon is over,
Are those good?
Come, sit down,
So take a look at me for a second,
I'm, like, maybe 43 years old,
Got kicked off the Pro Tour,
I messed it up with the one lady that I really love,
And I get my daughter one weekend
out of the whole month,
And even that might be ending,
And now, the hotel's getting shut down,
-What? -The county inspector came,
-Shutting us down, -Why?
Some big developer gonna come, tear this place down,
and put up a big resort,
And you're just gonna sit here and stuff your face?
You're like a cautionary tale,
-I heard that one before,
You know, it's like that half glass full,
half glass empty thing,
You know, I'm in Hawaii with the man I love,
Pregnant, Weather in Portland is sleeting, like 13 degrees,
-Exactly! -You know,
And I get to meet people like you,
You know, real people,
Not those fake, smiling concierges,
Or the aloha, maholo, aloha maids at the big resorts,
I'm talking about real people,
I know what you're talking about,
You know, the kind of people that aren't afraid to show that
they resent you for trampling all over their paradise,
Or show you a little aloha if that's what they're feeling,
And that's the thing, Tai,
They shouldn't tear this place down,
This is an authentic experience we're having,
Yeah, This hotel has been in the family
for almost 200 years!
Well, then, why are you just sitting there!
When you're down in a surf competition,
did you just paddle in? Or throw in the towel?
No, I never owned a towel,
Damn right you didn't! It's the same thing here,
You gotta fight for this place, Come on,
-Let's go! -Hustle,
As if there was a point to any of this,
let's check the radar,
Oh, boy, There it is,
Daily temperatures of 84 degrees,
Let's see if there's any precipitation,
Nope, And not a cloud in the sky,
I don't even have to look at that when I know there's none,
And that's about it from here in weather,
So sending it right back to you, Mahina,
Psst, Dougie! Dougie,
Brah, amazing how bad you suck,
I know, To be honest with you,
sometimes I feel like I want to off myself on air,
Dude, forget that, Hey, didn't you tell me one time
you wanted to be like a big, investigative reporter?
Maybe in high school,
Brah, I got the perfect case you can crack!
We're gonna blow this thing up!
Do I look like I'm gonna blow anything up?
Brah, plus the way you're doing weather,
you're either gonna get fired, or you're gonna look
just like that guy right there,
Yeah, you're probably right,
That's too bad, Can I just be honest with you?
-Sure, -You're not as good-looking
as you was before,
-I know, -Every time I see you,
-you're a little fatter, -That's not my fault,
I eat when I get bored or hungry,
-Your hair's thinning out, -Nothing I can do about that,
I take the pills, Nothing works,
You gotta remember,
do the things you fear the most,
the death of fear is certain,
-Are you quoting Laird again? -Hey, F-U! That's Mark Twain,
Maybe Confucius, Or maybe even me,
Let me grab my camera,
Yeah, That's my boy,
Dougie! You're rolling! Roll, Dougie!
Roll 'em! Yeah! Yeah!
Woo!
Yeah, come on, you frickin' , Woo!
Hey!
-Help!
-Yeah! -Help!
Come on, Come on,
-What's your name, boy? -Ethan,
-Your last name, -Leftin,
-Are you getting this, Dougie? -Yeah, copy that, 10-4,
Camera's rolling, Sound is speeding,
-Hey, Calm down, Dougie, -I'm calm, We are live!
Hey, now that we rescued your skinny ass
out of the water, you're gonna tell us
who would pay you for graffiti that wall,
-You're on national TV! -International!
-It was the guy from the county, -Louder!
-Describe the lowlife, -He gave me $75 each time,
-And I only did it-- -Okay, spare us the reasons why,
you skinny-ass punk, Describe the guy that paid you,
-Calm down, Dougie, -I'm calm!
I think his name was Peter Poulet,
You know, the guy who wears his pants a little too high,
Yeah, and the male camel toe situation,
-I noticed that too, -Ugh, disgusting,
Yeah, But who paid him? Who are you working for?
-Yeah, who's paying him? -I don't know,
Hey, boy, You like who shut down this hotel?
You like this place called Waikiki?
That means no more kiting for you and the crew!
So what you gonna do?
I don't know, I'm sorry,
I only did it so I could buy a new kite,
I'm not done with you yet, You're coming with us,
The office should be right down there,
Hey, after we do this, I gotta get back,
teach my yoga class,
-You do yoga? -Yeah, Shut up,
Don't judge eagles based on opinions of turkeys,
Wo-ho, snap, I was rolling live on that one, brotha,
Wait, how is that thing even live?
-How 'bout I kick your ass live? -Dougie! Come on, Dougie,
All right, On the count of three, go ahead,
Three, two,,,
Wait, wait, wait, On one, or go after?
-Three, -Three, two, and then one?
-Yes, -Or go--
-Three, two, one, then go, -Okay, On one,
-Yes, -Or one, and then go?
One and then go, okay,
All right, class, It's time for the crouching vana,
Some of you guys who wasn't here, or missed it,
basically, what you're gonna do is, you're gonna put yourself
into a tight ball,
Okay? You're gonna hold your breath,
Okay, Everybody, come on, Follow me, Get down,
Into a ball, Like an urchin, There you go,
That's the crouching vana, Now, hold your breath,
All right? All this breathing thing
that Shiv is talking about, how breath is the breastmilk,
that's disgusting! It's not even important!
What's important? Holding your breath,
What if we get wiped by a big-ass wave,
or someone drops a nasty pooey on you? Huh?
Hold your breath,
Speaking of farting,
anybody have to share something with the class?
Okay, because, you know, that kind of offering
-is acceptable,
It actually sounds like someone needs help,
Okay, Hold on,
Stay there in urchin!
And remember, don't breathe!
And don't forget, tip, tip,
-I knew you were kinky,
Hey, but if it feels good for you, then it's okay with me,
If you okay with it, not passing any judgment,
Always gotta be the good Samaritan,
-What?
I can't understand what you're saying,
What? You want me to set you free?
-If I do that,
you better play fair, For example,
who has priority over the beach?
Anytime, anywhere, forever?
-You, -Okay,
What took you so long?
What are you talking about?
I've been here for 17 days and 17 nights,
More like five hours, but nobody care,
I've got to get out of here, Untie my hands and feet,
I do that, you're gonna owe me,
Oh! You want a Green Goddess too?
Added a splash of vodka,
Nah, I'm good, That stuff make me crap my board shorts,
Who said you could take his gag off?
What you doing gagging him? I mean, like, I understand,
because there are many times that I wanted to gag him,
And who gave you permission to ask for help?
But I was saying the safe word,
Well, I couldn't understand you,
You know what? Hey, get out of here,
I'll handle this, Get out of here,
-But we had something special,
-But it hurts too much, -Well, love hurts sometimes,
Hey, Hold on, Hold on,
Get ready, Hawaii, because the real story
is going live this afternoon, Press conference and everything
Scandal of the century right here!
No, Mahina, stay right there, People want to know the truth,
We're gonna go to commercial break,
Wait, stop, Get off me, 'Cause we are not gonna go
to commercial because people want to know the truth,
I have secret footage to show everybody,
No, because I am sick of being just a weatherman, okay?
I have more potential than that Everyone has more potential,
even Miss Mahina has more potential,
And here we go,
Thank you, boss,
So what we have uncovered here
is that this guy right here
is a pawn, And the kid he paid money to
even more of a pawn, and getting money for somebody else, right?
So why don't you tell everybody,
why don't you tell the whole world,
right now, who you work for,
I was taking bribes from an executive at Conquistador,
What else?
Their goal was to run this place into the ground,
Buy the land cheap and build a luxury resort,
Ba-bam! I got that, I was rolling,
-and I got that on tape, -Hey! Dougie, calm down!
-Calm down, -You're going down,
So why don't you tell everybody where this guy's at right now,
I think he's at that surf competition,
What?
Yeah, The Conquistador Club is the main sponsor
trying to get in good with the locals,
For real?
Surf competition today?
Yeah, Swell filled in, I got called this morning,
So what are we waiting for? Let's go!
Hey, Quitting, easy, Daring to triumph, hard,
-Is that Yoda? -No, it's actually
a Laird Hamilton quote,
How many of you guys want to see this badass
surf in a competition today?
-Got to listen to the people, -Okay,
But only if you do this,
-What's this? -Online math class,
I already signed you up, And I can coach you,
Okay, But surf first,
-Okay, -Let's go,
Aloha! Coming at you with today's daily
rubber neck surf check, And surf today is unreal!
It's pumping in the three to five-foot range,
Perfect time for the finals,
And I think I'm going to enter the longboard event myself,
'Cause the water is so perfect today,
And that wraps it up for our rubber neck surf check,
Pristine conditions for the 22nd annual
International Competition,
Okay, Patience, Patience,
Come on, Come on, There you go,
There you go! Perfect!
Okay, All right, Bottom turn,
Smack the lip, Smack the lip hard!
Ba-boom! Oh, Tuck in,
Tuck in, Aha! There you go!
-Yay! -Yes!
You saw that? Ten!
I'll take a perfect ten from you, and you,
and you! Yes!
-Yes! Yes! -I tell you,
she might be a newcomer, but she surfs like a pro,
All that confidence and poise, And you know what I heard?
Her coach is Tai Alonzo,
-You remember that name? -What?
That's one of the great surfers of Hawaii,
I know, I know, What ever happened to him?
-I thought he was dead, -Gonzo,
Gonzo Alonzo,
Hey, are you signing up for open longboard?
-I don't compete anymore, -Why?
I got kicked off the tour,
But I heard it was only a ten-year suspension,
-Yeah? -And it's been almost 20,
Yeah, maybe,
Look at you trying to get all mathematical on me,
-,,,new woman, Kaila Vincent, -Oh!
-Kaila Vincent, -What I told you, huh?
-Good job! -Yeah,
But now, it's your turn, Masters longboard,
I mean, since you say you're a master and all,
-Yeah, I'm good, -That's what you always say,
But I think we'd all like to actually see it,
Yeah, who wants to see him try?
-Don't forget,
Stay right where you are, because coming up next is
the men's longboard surfing championship,
-Woo-hoo, -And I have to say,
back in the day, you know--
I heard about your longboard,
Oh! We got Alonzo
dropping into a beautiful wave,
Whoa, He's way more flexible than you'd think,
Look at that opu on that board,
Yeah!
He's got another one, folks,
Carving it like a Thanksgiving Day turkey,
-Oh, yeah,
Woo!
Yep, There it is,
His signature dead cockroach,
He's gonna take that one all the way to the bank,
-Congratulations, -Yeah!
And of course, this comes with a $3,000 check
from Conquistador,
-Alonzo! -Dougie, You rolling?
-We are live! -Roll, Roll,
And congratulations to you, Mr, Alonzo,
You don't remember me, huh?
Can't say that I do,
I always knew you was a criminal,
Okay, What do you want?
Hey, guys, see this executive
from Conquistador Club?
He's bribing the county inspector,
I said he's bribing the county inspector,
Get this guy off the stage, Get this guy off the stage,
Get him, Get him!
Come on! Dougie! Let's go!
Already got 'em,
-Come on! -I'm rolling,
-Stop him! -Come on!
Hey-hey, not today, honey,
Big brah,
-Doug! You got the footage? -You know I did, brah!
Five-o, what's going on over here?
Officer, I got everything on my camera,
I got confessions, incriminating evidence,
everything, You need it, I got it right here,
Calm down, Dougie, Calm down,
Hey, where you at?
Oh! Man,
Yeah, no, I can respect that,
I've done that many times myself,
Officer, see the guy swimming towards Tahiti?
-Yeah, -He bribed the county inspector,
Tried to shut down the hotel,
-Oh, roger that, -According to U,S, Code 20-218,
that's a felony, Three years prison time,
Oh, you really know your stuff, huh?
I took one year of criminal justice,
-I'll let you take that, -I'll do that,
I have business to take care of,
I gotta take my $500 check and go pick up my van,
-Oh, thank you, -Yeah,
Hey, Coach, This is for you,
So you can see your daughter,
-For real? -Yeah,
You can pay me back when we get paid,
For real?
It should be about next week, bully boy,
How's it, brah?
-Moment of truth, huh? -Yeah, cashed my check,
I got your $500, and the rest goes to my ex,
Look, man, I saw you on the news,
-For real? -Yeah, I thought that was
a cool thing that you did, man, stopping the developers
-on the hotel and the beach, -Yeah, but it wasn't only me,
Look, man, I hooked you up on the van, man,
I put a new battery in it, man, Tuned it up, man,
And put some new tires on it for you, man,
-Solid, man, Thank you! -Yeah, man,
Runs good enough to get you home, man,
The bug over there, that is home,
And I found a new parking space,
-Yeah? Where's that? -At work,
My boss is solid, He's cool with that,
You'll never be late for work, man,
I never thought about it that way,
Right? Yeah, man!
-Here you go, brah, -All right, brotha,
Not bad! Four out of five stars,
-Woo! -From the Super Reviewer,
Super Reviewer, You know this whole idea of Time
wanting to change the name of this hotel?
Number one Aloha Surf Hotel Retreat and Spa and Yogurt Shop,
Whatever he did is actually working,
You know, it is crazy, but we're showing up
at all the top of the searches, At the top of the searches!
-How does he even know that? -He went to school,
Went to college, And whatever it is,
he's pulling us out of this nosedive,
Woo-hoo!
-Checking out? -Yes,
But we also look for tennis pro,
Oh, sorry, he's gone for the day,
-Oh, -This is for pro,
Eight hundred eighty-eight dollar, Very lucky number,
-Lucky number, -What?
Yeah, the pro, he throw my phone in ocean,
It was best gift for us,
We know each other now,
Really know,
Only pictures in our head,
Romantic-y pictures,
We're really happy to hear that,
And we will tell all China about this place,
And the funny little tennis man,
He teach us the way to true love,
No selfies,
-Thank you, -Thank you,
-Aloha, -Mahalo,
You better give that to Tai,
You okay, brah?
You know, being like that for 17 days and nights--
It was like six hours,
Having my voice robbed of me for the first time,,,
gave me some time to think,
-That's a good thing, right? -I don't know,
I've been thinking I should probably go back to New Jersey,
Maybe not a bad idea,
You might ask yourself,
but what about the thousands of students that need me here?
Who love me and, like, adore me,
Might ask, but didn't,
You know, I realized that they don't really love me,
They just love the myth of the person
I'm telling them that they can be,
It's narcissism,
Oh, you're getting deep, huh?
It's Maya, It's an illusion,
Because,,,
because I've just been really regurgitating meanless words
that I learned in a creepy Ashram in Karnataka,
You're right, We're in Hawaii nei,
We should be out there riding the waves,
If you like, I can show you tomorrow,
-Tomorrow I fly, -What you gonna do?
I've been taking online real estate courses,
Oh, You got my blessings,
Hey, man, don't mock me, okay?
Hey, what's your real name?
-Can you tell me your name? -No, I can't do that, man, No,
-How about Joe? -No,
How about Bill? Milton?
-No, -Tommy?
-No, -Mitchell?
-No, -Logan?
Not even close,
Hey, you know what? Um,,,
I got something for you, okay?
Here, this is yours now,
Oh, I got something for you too, brah,
Here, Yours,
Keep it fresh, bro,
Hey, thanks, brah,
Hey, shaka, okay?
Dad!
-Dad? -Alana!
What you doin' here? Is this your weekend?
No, but you gotta get dressed and cleaned up,
Surprise, I made this for you,
Happy early birthday,
Whoa,
Dad, it's, it's really beautiful,
-Thank you, -You're welcome,
Okay, but we gotta go, and you need to get dressed,
-I am dressed, -At least change your shirt,
-Why? -You passed!
-I passed? -Yes, Let's go,
Completing just that one math credit
actually vaulted him into our college history book,
Yeah, Dad! Woo!
Because that one final math credit
means he's actually completed degrees in the following,,,
And I'll list them alphabetically,
Alphabetization optimization,
astronomy, auctioneering, biohazard removal,
bagpiping, baking, cannabis studies,
couples therapy, criminal justice,
fermentation sciences, midwifery,
paralegal studies, paranormal studies,
plumbing, puppetry, solar installation,
and turtle husbandry,
So why don't you come on up and get your degree,
Mr, Tai Gonzo Alonzo!
Yeah!
What a unbelievable time, I feel official,
Hold on, sistah, You forgot one thing,
Philosophy of surf!
My apologies, It is also, indeed, on the list,
-Proud of you, -Thank you,
All right! Yeah!
So I say this to all the kids out there:
It pays to stay in school!
Ya-hoo! How's the young bums?
Woo!
You know, Tai,
we should try kiting one of these days,
Brah, there's nothing more sad than a surfer that used to surf,
Who said that one, Dad?
I don't know, But I think I will claim 'em,
-Hey! -Get out of here,
♪ Watchin' people pass me by ♪
♪ Anything to pass the time ♪
♪ Weird to think We're all the same ♪
♪ But completely different Ain't it strange, uh-huh ♪
♪ Oh, I see This world surrounding me ♪
No doubt, Look, I hate it, okay?
What's the point? They just check their phones,
What? Yep, Huh? Tai!
-You suck as a weatherman, -Hold on a second,
I don't suck that bad,
I forgot my line,
-Keep doing it, -Oh,
So what are you gonna do about it, Dad?
-Watch,
Okay, Cut, good,
Psst, Brah,
Cut! Can you hear that?
Huh?
You do it already?
Elvis Presley put his okole right here, brah,
And went,
Portuguese bean soup all over the place,
-What's wrong with you? Hey!
Indeed, Yoga is for the meek and the cripple,
Anyways,,, listen!
I'm holding a fart so bad, you guys don't even know,
I'm so used to it, I wouldn't even know,
Do the thing you feel the most, and then you suddenly die,
-That's what I said, -No, you said go on one,
-Three, -No smiling, Cyrus,
-Oh, -cut,
Hilarious,
That's all right, It's your van seat, It's not mine,
-So get it on camera, -How's it?
-Moment of truth, huh? -Yeah, look, hey,
I cashed my check, I got your $500,
-And I think--
Sorry,
-Keep rolling, -The pig's still going there,
♪ One more day, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ One more day, oh, oh, oh, oh